Had a conversation yesterday with a friend who has suffered much. I mean, a lot! She has been a good sounding board for me over the last years as we have walked through Joanne's situation. She definitely has a unique perspective. A lot of times when we talk we get a chuckle of of the things people say to try to make us feel better. Obviously we are quick to acknowledge that people really do want to be an encouragement but sometimes that uplifting word just creates more questions than it does answers. So here's one:

God promises healing, but does that mean that He promises healing on this side of Heaven or is He more often talking about the restoration that will occur in each and every one of His children what we pass away and enter His presence? I need to go back to scripture and re-read some of the key passages on healing and view them through this lens. 

My friend talked about the fact that both doctors and the scriptures can be correct even if they seem to be saying completely opposite things. Doctor: no, you're not going to get any better. God: I will heal you. In an eternal perspective both of those things can be true. 

Interesting food for thought. Would love to hear your take on this in the comments.

Toben

This morning in devotions I was asked to read Isaiah 40:31. I am sure many of you already know it. It says:  

"But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles."

I was at the doctor, who I have been with for the last 10 years, this week and we were talking about Joanne's situation. One of the doctors was pretty blunt and just told me that Joanne was as good as she was going to get. Her "18 month window" was closed and that she would spend the rest of her life in her current condition. Minutes later a PA came in to do some other tests and she brought up Joanne and said, "Don't listen to what anyone tells you. Joanne can get better. You just have to have faith and keep trying." Wow, what whiplash! Who to believe?! 

Joanne's primary doctor was pretty blunt about the "18 month window" too. He said we may see little improvement here and there but for the most part we are at where we are at for the rest of Joanne's life. 

So what do I do with old Isaiah 40:31? What does it mean to "mount up with wings like eagles?" I am writing this because I totally confused. I don't want to get my hopes up that some miracle is going to happen and Joanne is going to be healed.  But I also don't want to deny God's power. How foolish would that be as a Bible believing Christian? 

So I sit here stuck between eagles wings and gravity. The gravity of the situation pulls down and down and down without ceasing. But the Word promises flight. I don't want to live in fantasy land and I don't want to live in constant disappointment, but I also don't want to underestimate God. Hmmmm....

Anyone have any insights on this one? I'm not looking for simple answers and would love to hear from people who have beat the odds (especially medically) to be restored in the name of Jesus.

Toben

 

Today for devotions I took the staff through an interesting exercise. We read Psalm 23 from three different versions of scripture: the KJV, the NIV and The Message. As we read each translation I had the staff circle the passages or words that jumped out at them the most. The interesting thing was that everyone selected something totally different in each translation/paraphrase. Even though the meaning is the same in each the different phrasing drew emphasis to different parts of the passage. Makes me realize that when I am studying scripture there is real value to taking a peek at other translations. Anyhow, the experience caused me to draw a parallel in my life.

Everything I do can have different "translations." Depending on the day my translation may be the "Woe is Me" translation. Or maybe it's the "Super Dad" translation. And there are many others. So I am wondering what it might look like if in the midst of any given situation if I took just a minute to stop and thing about what other translation I could apply.

An example: Every night I give Joanne a little help with her shower. The last thing I do before I help her put on her PJs is that I get on the floor and dry off her feet. Now obviously I look at this activity as the "Servant Husband." Here I am, the selfless guy drying Joanne's feet for her so we can get those jammies and her night brace on. Problem is I get the "Servant Husband" crossed with the "Woe is Me Husband" too often. After all, crawling around the bathroom floor is not the greatest. But what if I looked at this activity through another lens. What if I looked at it through the "Bringer of Joy Husband." Joanne LOVES this time of day. She loves her showers, and her jamies and crawling into bed all clean and shiny. So can I celebrate her joy with her? Of course I can! I just need to read from a different translation. How much cooler to be the "Bringer of Joy!"

Example number two: I drive Audrey to school each morning instead of making her take the bus. Can you guess the translation I read when I have to get up so early every morning to complete this task? "Poor Selfless Dad!" Here I am, poor me, dragging myself out from under the warm covers to face the day about an hour earlier than I would like. And boy, when I look at it through this translation Audrey definitely picks up on it! She isn't fooled. She knows I am feeling sorry for myself and maybe just a little resentful of her. But my other translation, and the far better one is "Listening Dad." I get a whole 20 minutes in the car just me and Audrey; I get to hear about her expectations for the day, any concerns she has, what she is looking forward to. I get let in to her life. Wow, to be "Listening Dad" is such a privilege whereas "Poor Selfless Dad" gives me a false sense of entitlement...and grumpiness.

So that's what I want to think about and work on. What translation am I in today? What are some of your favorite translations?

Toben

 

Joanne's Kindle Fire died. I mean really, really...really died. I figured that the warranty was for a year and hers was two years old, so I went to Best buy and got her a new Kindle Paperwhite, which as it turns out is pretty lame once you are used to a Kindle Fire. So anyhow, Joanne is obviously being gracious about the situation but it's clear that she is not stoked. SO I figure, "what the heck. I'll call Amazon and see if they want to hook us up." So I call Amazon and the tell me that yes, we are way out of warranty but that Joanne is such a good customer and has Amazon Prime, etc. that they would be glad to extend the warranty and that they will have her a new Kindle Fire here by Tuesday. Seriously!? That is some freaking customer service! Of course they can see that Joanne is a heavy user and that they will more than make their money back. So no harm, no foul. I boxed up the Paperwhite and Best Buy returned it so it's all good. Way to go Amazon!

Toben

Now that the house is sold and Spring break is over and we are back into our routine I have a little of time to think...and decisions to make. And I think our whole family has some identity issues to wrestle with and settle into. 

Joanne has been robbed of her identity in a way that I'm not sure many of us (at least I) can't comprehend. Everything that she was all about is all about gone. I'm not going to go into depth on this because I feel like I have covered this ground in many other posts. But I think some of her identity will be restored when we get our own place. We are probably going to get through the school year without a change but I am looking around on the web at places in District 20 that might be a good fit for us. I have been surprised to find that a number of different apartment complexes have handicapped ready apartments. That's pretty cool! Joanne can really get around a regular house, but it's nice to have the extra wide spaces for her to get through and grab bars in the bathroom. 

The girls identity has been deeply affected too. They went from being homeshool kids, to Christian school kids  to public school kids. They too lost their house and they left their friends in Denver. Emma has made new friends but I think Audrey is still a little gun-shy to make friends--she is really struggling to get attached or to trust people. I get that. Again,the next phase for us is to get our own place. I think they'll feel more "planted" once we move.

I have had something weird happen as a result of selling the house. Joanne and I have been home owners for almost 20 years. Now we aren't. A house is not my identity but it does feel weird to not be a land owner any more. In fact I think in colonial America my lack of property ownership would not allow me to vote. I too am looking forward to having a place of our own, but I have to say that of all of us, I have benefited the most from moving in with Mom and Dad. They have been such an amazing help to me personally. I feel like I have support. There is part of me that makes me never want to leave, but at some point we have to get back out on our own.

One weird challenge for us is the cats! They lived at the house in Denver until it sold, and since then we have had them at our friendly neighborhood kennel. We go visit them a lot but we are desperate to have them back with us. I think the kennel is an OK set up and they are well cared for, but I think they need a home for the time being until we can have them in our apartment. So if any of you out there want to cat sit for a month until we move, just let me know. That would be a huge relief and blessing!

I guess that's about it for now.

Toben

 

 

Don't gasp, but we didn't go to church this Easter. I think it may be a law that you must attend and Easter Service. But we didn't. Instead we watched a Catholic Easter Mass from the National Basilica. It was incredible! The way they do mass is so reverential and formal and feels appropriate for the remembrance of Christ's resurrection. In most churches I have been to it feels like the pastor knows he has one shot to talk to all the people who only come to church once or twice a year. If I was a pastor I would probably do the same thing. But in the Mass we watched, it was clearly a celebration of Christ's rising from the dead and it wasn't at all evangelistic. In fact Joanne commented that it really was an "insiders" service. If you weren't familiar with the way Mass is conducted you would be utterly lost at the Easter Mass. I wonder if the Catholic Church does a "starter Mass" for those new converts to sort of fill them in on the why and wherefores of Mass?

Anyhow, this was probably the first Sunday in our lives that we weren't at a service for Easter. There are many reasons that we decided not to go. Some of them were probably valid and others were not, but I know for me that I am in the midst of a Dark Night Of the Soul and that I am struggling mightily with my faith. I don't think it's hit me until recently that that's where I am. And the rest of our little family is there too. Joanne struggles, Audrey struggles and Emma, being the age that she is, struggles in her own way. We are all dealing with so many "non-Christian" emotions--anger, fear, sadness, shame...did I mention anger? We are still very much asking the question, "Why did this happen!" The price to pay has been so great!

Now I know in writing this that all those emotions are not "non-Christian." Lots of believers wrestle with these very feelings to one extent or another. In fact I can sit here and think of literally a dozen families that struggle. Maybe not just like we are struggling, but struggling just the same. I think it's central to the human experience. I have often said that no one gets out of this life unscathed and I truly believe that. We all take our shots.

One thing I wrestle with is that Joanne's stroke happened over two years ago but to me it's like it happened yesterday. I am still reliving those minutes and hours right after her stroke on a frequent basis--I have flashbacks and different things can set it off. It can be the spot on I-25 where I got the first call from Audrey that something was wrong with mom to seeing Audrey or Emma's phone numbers come up on my caller ID. I can instantly be transported to a very anxious place. I get a tightness in my chest...

I wonder why this hasn't passed. I wonder if I will feel this way forever.

And what's worse is that I know Joanne is feeling these feeling more deeply than any of the rest of us. It is her life that was taken from her. We had a couple of long talks over the weekend and she is still so very much in mourning from all that's lost. My favorite is that she says she watches advertisements for cleaning products on TV and desperately wishes she could buy a can of Scrubbing Bubbles and go clean a bathroom! She longs for the day when she could wield a bottle of Windex. It is truely the little things that mount up and remind us of what has passed.

So the resurrection. What does that mean to us? Here is the best way I can put it. To me it feels like much of our life was put in a coffin and buried when Joanne had her stroke. Things that were became no more. And that coffin was buried. Now, every once in a while a little something will be resurrected. Maybe we'll experience it on a walk around the Garden of the Gods or a drive up into the mountains. There will be a moment of normalcy or even happiness and it feels like we are stealing a little something back from the grave. And even though it seems unlikely, I am still hoping that one of these days God will choose to resurrect something big! Maybe it will be a restoration of the girl's relationship with Joanne. Maybe it will be a physical ability on Joanne's part. Maybe it will be the rediscovery and ability for Joanne to do something she loves. Who knows what it could be, but I am ready, anticipating those little resurrections. How I wish they would come faster!

Joanne made an interesting comment this weekend. She said, "I wonder what Saturday was like for the disciples?" They lost Jesus to the cross on Friday and then what? I imagine that the grief was punishing but I also wonder if there wasn't some hope against hope that Jesus was really going to come back. All I know is that it must have been an excruciating day. Of course Sunday changed everything for the entire course of human history. 

I feel like it is our perpetual Saturday. And I can tell you, we are all waiting expectantly for our metaphorical Sunday to change the course of our family's history!

Toben

We decided to sell the house back in August. With my job being in the Springs and with new opportunities developing there the daily 2 hour commute was really hindering my ability to do what I needed to do to be successful in my work. On top of that, my parents offered us a great place to stay and an enthusiasm to jump in and help with Joanne and the girls while we made the transition. So in early Fall we began to pack up the house. It was a process that took months! We couldn't have done it without help from our families but I am happy to report that the Sunday before our closing, we were finally able to say, "It's finished!" That's almost 8 months to the day from when we decided that a move would be best!

We closed on the house on Monday. What a process that is! Forms flying everywhere, signatures and initials on everything. The closing agent then has to check and double check that everything is in order. Then the forms get sent off to the new mortgage company for their final approval, which means you sit for an hour and wait after all the paperwork is done. We were there with the new buyers and got to talk to them about the house, how much we had loved it, and the neighborhood and how we think they will fall in love with it the way we had. They were definitely as excited to be getting the house as we were to be moving on.

Finally after all is said and done, they handed us a check and that was that. We are no longer home owners. What mixed emotions! We truly loved our house but driving 2 hours a day to get to the office just didn't make any sense. And even though the school situation for the girls wasn't bad by any means, their new situations are better. Audrey is fitting in a little better at a smaller school that is a little less intense then Cherry Creek and Emma is finally being challenged in getting to take some "talented and gifted" classes. All good. Emma has made some good friends, so praise God for that! Audrey is still looking but it is only a matter of time before she finds someone to pal around with. I pray daily that just the right friend will come along for her.

Now my commute is 5 minutes! I can't express what a difference that makes! I am so much more relaxed and productive. 

And it is an unspeakable blessing to have my mom and dad around for Joanne and the girls. It's just a really good fit for us to be there. In the next couple of months we will get our own place and that will be an adventure. Joanne is leaning toward renting a house. The only thing Audrey cares about is having a basement that she can move into. Emma wants a TV in her room.  And me? I don't want to move anywhere that will require any kind of yardwork whatsoever. I don't want to mow, fertilize, shovel, rake or trim anything! I want someone to do all that for me. So I am thinking condo or townhouse or even a decent apartment. And we need to stay as close as possible to my folk's place as they will still be helping with Joanne. And I want to be close enough that I can still watch Nuggets games with my dad and crash in for dinner a few nights a week. 

Joanne wrapped up her watercolor class at Bemis Art School on Tuesday. He mom and Shanna came down to take her to class. they painted Aspen trees. The class has been good for Joanne. I think she has enjoyed it and it is another opportunity for her to get out of the house and have an adventure. She is probably going to take a drawing class or a calligraphy class next. 

Another fun thing: a bunch of Joanne's friends and her mom and sister came down tot he Springs to take Joanne out for a birthday lunch. They went to Marigolds, which is a great lunch place, and I think everyone had a nice time. I will say however that with no plans today, Joanne is excited to get a day in her PJs. 

The girls are on Spring break for the next week. I envision a lot of sleeping for Audrey. Even Emma is starting to sleep a little more. It's like a switch gets flipped and all of a sudden kids can just sleep and sleep. Then at some point as an adult the switch flips the other way and you just can't get that kind of sleep any more. Weird!

I guess that's about it. Thanks for all the prayers about the sale of the house. THe timing was close to miraculous--our house was under contract four days after we listed it! I am not going to chalk that up to coincidence but to God's goodness!

Prayer requests:

1. Praise God for Emma's great love for her new school, for her new friends and for new challenges.

2. Please pray that Audrey would find a good friend.

3. Please pray that when the time comes we will find just the right place to rent.

Toben

 

Today is Joanne's birthday! 

Birthdays post stroke are definitely different than pre-stroke ones. It is a chance to look back and remember things in a different context. For example, for her 39th birthday she moved from Kindred to Spalding. She had to transfer in an ambulance adn it made her ill. Not a happy day. There was cake but she couldn't eat it. Not a great birthday.

Last birthday joanne was in her walking boot from her achilles surgery and we went to a TobyMac concert. Much better than 39 but it is contextualized by her surgery and everything that went along with that. 

This birthday is marketed by transition. We close on the sale of our house on Monday. We have been living with my folks and thinking about what the next few years will look like. So as I think back in the future on this birthday it will be the transition birthday.

And here's what I have to say: Joanne, you are the light of my life. I can't imagine what it would have been like to try and do life without you. I am thankful to God that He left you here on this earth when he could have so easily called you home. I know it has been a tough couple of years, but we are making it, day by day. I love you Joanne. Thanks for sticking around. It is my pleasure and blessing to get to serve you and my privilege to be your husband.

Toben

At Family Talk our theme this month is On the Front Lines. It has a lot to do with issues involving military families and what they go through as they protect our nation and the principles on which it was founded. As I hear these stories I am blown away at the commitment and sacrifice of our soldiers (both male and female) and their families. But as I have been reflecting on this theme, I have been struck by the ways so many families are on their own "front lines." The words that have echoed in my head are "being on the  front lines is the price you pay for doing what is right."

Many, many families I know suffer because they do the right thing. We are bombarded every day with stories of people who suffered because they or someone in their family did a wrong thing. There are addictions, and affairs, abuse, and negligence. And those are terrible things. But there are a lot of families that suffer "for righteousness sake." Where are those stories in the popular media? Mostly they get tacked on to the end of a newscast or they end up as a footnote on some website. I wish those families that do the next right thing, time after time, got more attention.

Those of you who have followed this blog know that our little family has been on the front lines with Joanne's stroke. I won't go into details here because you already know them and there are almost too many challenges/sacrifices to list when you add kids and extended family into the mix. Everyone in our family in on the front lines--trying to do the right thing and paying a price for it.

Add as a matter of fact, as I look at other friends and family I realize that everyone I know is on some sort of front line or has recently been there. What the heck!? 

The thing that is a real kick in the gut is that I can remember times when our family wasn't on the front line. I can remember times of relative peace and prosperity. And I didn't appreciate them! How foolish of me, how short sighted to not celebrate those times. I took them for granted. I feel like an idiot that I didn't revel in the blessing we were experiencing. 

Anyhow, I would be interested to know who else feels like they are on the front lines. And if you are not, please, do me a favor and CELEBRATE! It's right and appropriate to revel in God's goodness!

Toben