The Single Life Series

Loving each other by Leo Buscaglia....Part 1

2012-05-02T05:12:00.002-07:00

One of the best books on love and human relationships I've read in a while is called Loving Each Other by Leo Buscaglia Ph.D. Written in the early eighties yet the work is very relevant today. In the book he goes through a fact finding mission regarding what people require from a loving relationship. In the book he defines two types of relationships.

A primary relationship defined as the closest person with whom you presently choose to relate, or are forced to do so, on a regular basis in your daily life.
A secondary relationship defined as the person you choose to relate with, or are forced to do so, on a regular basis, but with a lesser degree of intensity and day-to-day encounter than your primary relationship.

He conducted a survey where he asked respondents to name the qualities which they felt were conducive to maintaining a loving, growing relationship and those that were most destructive. In addition they were asked to define a loving relationship and to offer advice they would give to those engaged in the process of forming a lasting relationship. Below is the series of questions that were in the survey. Readers are encouraged to conduct their own personal survey before delving into the results of Dr Buscaglia's survey. A lot can be learned about yourself, your needs and expectations by answering the same questions.

What do you consider to be your primary loving relationship?
What three qualities do you believe to be most conducive to the continual development of love and growth in this relationship?
What three qualities do you believe are most destructive to a loving relationship?
What do you consider to be your major secondary relationship (parent, spouse, child, etc)?
What three qualities are most conducive to helping these secondary relationships to last and grow?
What would be, for you, an ideal loving relationship?
What advice would you want to give, based upon your experience, to someone seriously entering into a primary loving relationship for the first time?

Quote from The Invitation by Oriah Mountain Dreamer

2012-03-10T12:20:00.003-08:00

Every time that I feel despondent or feel like completely giving up on love, I always remind myself of the simple yet important truths, clearly stated in the quote below!

“It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain! I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it, or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul; if you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see beauty even when it's not pretty, every day, and if you can source your own life from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, “Yes!”

It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up, after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done to feed the children.

It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you, from the inside, when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.”

Online Dating

2011-08-22T22:58:00.000-07:00

True story! In trying out online dating I came across this letter sent to me by an interested man. Obviously I’ve changed the details to protect identities, please do tell me what you think?

My dearest Mary

I'm James from Cape Town, a gentleman par excellence, looking to build a happy and exemplary family life with an exceptional young lady.

To this end, I've looked at many profiles and pictures on the site. Yours truly stand out, buttressed by the sterling qualities and personality traits they reflect.

Indeed, I find your profile very pleasant and your picture strongly suggestive of an accomplished and a remarkably attractive and sexy young lady. I do therefore feel you'd suit me in most respects.

I'm in search of a best friend, life partner and companion, lover, and wife. If I find her, I promise to love, cherish, and support her, and to be faithful to her. I need her well-mannered, well groomed, and well educated. It's also important to me that she be kind and compassionate and family-oriented, subscribing, like me, to old-school values.

A high-flying professional and intellectual, I hold many university degrees, including a PhD in Economics and a MBA, and I'm a Project Director of a billion-rand industrial development project. Although I live and work in Johannesburg, I'm frequently in Cape Town, where I've my main residence, for professional and personal reasons.

Urbane, suave, and courteous, especially to women, my demeanour and tastes are aristocratic. My hobbies include collecting of antique furniture (my residence looks like a museum inside!) and classic vintage cars, Jaguars in particular, reading, and writing. I'm usually in my element with a plume and inkpot! And I do, of course, enjoy a conversation with a close friend over a delicious, health meal.

As for values, I'm old-school, I've hinted, placing family first, pursuing hope, faith, and love and eschewing bitterness.

Thirty nine years old, I'm a proud and devoted, although divorced, father of two children, a girl, 9, and a boy, 5.

Do please have a look at my profile, to see if you'd like it. I may be reached at notadenzelwashington@live.com.

I’ve posted a pic of me on the site, for your benefit, and do hope you'd like it. However, I'd also like to send you a few more pics of me, so you get a much better sense of what I look like. While not exactly a Denzel Washington, I like to think of myself as well-built, good-looking, charismatic, especially when speaking, and very pleasant of character.

I'm eagerly waiting to hear from you.

My fondest regards,

Greg

End of the Road

2011-08-21T11:50:00.000-07:00

Oh here we go again, yet another relationship coming to an end. With this one I really have no idea why we’re breaking up, okay I’m lying I do know. I’m so tired though of being single, come on I’ve been single all my life when is this tide going to turn?

There comes a certain age where you just get tired of being in and out of relationships and you just want to settle down. Not necessarily get married but just be in a stable relationship with a sane person who knows his way around your body. Cause honestly the thought of having to start over again and train yet another potential boyfriend to navigate your body and locate all your hot spots is just not as exciting as it used to be.

You see once you get to a certain age as a woman you become in tune with your body and know exactly what makes you happy. And it is never really nice having to deal with all the awkward fumbling that sometimes happens when you initially get together with some people.

Although there are those that sometimes surprise you and are just excellent from the word go but those ones are normally not keepers. They dabble too many times into too many inks and hence the prowess.

So where to start people? Where does a fully grown mature woman meet a man nowadays? Well I think for a change I will try different avenues. Maybe do something that I have never done before. Whatever it will be, you will be the first to know. Here we go so wish me luck!

While I wait...

2011-08-18T09:36:00.000-07:00

When I was young, I was six or seven years old I had an exchange with my dad which I clearly remember to this day. They were talking about children and marriage and I jumped in and declared that I was never going to get married! I have no idea where that came from and from an early age I always felt like I was not destined to marry.

I believe in marriage, wholeheartedly. I believe that one should marry once, for life and stick it out through thick and thin. So in my quest for the one I’ve always taken that into consideration. I’ve always known that once I take that step, it would be a step that I would never want to go break no matter how tough things got. So the man had to be some kind of wonderful, he just had to be worth any sacrifice I would have to make in the future.

Now in my thirties unmarried I wonder whether those words I uttered at such a tender age were some form of self-fulfilling prophesy. It’s not like I’ve never been asked, it’s just that I’ve never been asked by someone I wanted to yes to.

There is a saying in Xhosa that “Umendo waliwa ngumthakathi” loosely translated to, you cannot say no to a marriage proposal. I have said no more than once and sometimes I wonder. I do believe though that there is nothing wrong in holding out for the best for yourself even if it means that you are alone for a while. Because I’m not going to marry a man that I can see in our relationship cannot keep his hands to himself, what do I then expect is going to happen in the marriage.

A lot of us ladies to like turning the blind eye to glaring realities about our partners. That’s one of my mother’s favourite saying, “My daughter if you want to be married, then you must be prepared to close one eye and keep the other open”. I am incapable of doing that; I have failed dismally each time I’ve tried. I do feel that it is unfair that we have to compromise our integrity as women just so that we can have a ring on our finger and change our last name. That is not what marriage should be about.

It should be about two people who have decided to work towards the same goals and achievements in life and do this working with each other instead of against each other.

The number of unhappy marriages out there really scares me because it does not take a lot for a human being to be happy. It’s a decision that one makes and if you meet each other half way you should be able to achieve this. We just allow our issues and egos to get in the way of the potential true happiness that marriage can bring two people in the right frame of mind. It all starts in the mind.

All in all what I’m saying is that despite my childish declaration, I’m someone who believes in the institution of marriage and who takes it seriously. And because of this fact I would rather wait until I meet someone that will work towards the same goals and achievements as me. Someone that I can share my life with and walk with in this long journey called life. In the meantime though I will definitely enjoy myself with the ones that will come into my life while I wait.

The Facebook Pickup Method by Derek Lamont

2011-08-13T00:31:00.000-07:00

Check it out here you will need acrobat reader to be able to access the document.
Enjoy!

Jimmy Tran and his Mediocre Penis

2011-08-08T07:37:00.001-07:00

As I was watching Russell Simmons Def-Poerty the other night, along came an Asian poet reciting a poem about his mediocre penis. Immediately I thought, how brave, because most men like to be viewed as well-endowed and never want to be associated with mediocrity when it comes to their manhood.

Jimmy was bold enough to admit that his penis is not so huge; as to kill stereotypes about Asian man, but at the same time not so small; as to make him a laughing stock, but that it is just average.

His openness, honesty and forthrightness was extremely refreshing. In an era where men are more and more obsessed with having larger penises and longer lasting erections and businesses are exploiting this through offers of surgical procedures, ointments and herbal remedies for enlarging penises. And here was a man amongst all of that noise clearly saying that he’s average and he’s okay with it.

Fact is not everyman is going to be lucky enough to be born with a penis that is blessed with both length and thickness. A few will lie in this category but the majority will be found in the long-thin and short-thick range. And then there are always the unfortunate few that are in the short-thin category.

But it always amazes me though how men in the last category always act as if they have no clue that they have small penises because really when it’s small, you know! Men are always comparing their penises with each other when growing up and believe me women do talk as well. So as a sexually active guy you will definitely know where you stack in the rankings.

But once in a while you will find yourself in a situation where you will literally be caught off guard waiting for something to happen, for the little man to grow only to find out that he’s ready for action. That is exactly the moment where I reserve the right to change my mind. Because the terms and conditions of our mutual attraction was with the assumption that at least the equipment was up to the task. Would it not be better if we laid our cards on the table so that I can be aware of what I’m getting myself into and avoid a potentially embarrassing situation for the both of us?

As women we know that not everyone falls under the first category and really most of us are not too keen on it, most of us are not size queens. We are pretty happy with average as long as it’s also got thickness. But sometimes even if you have drawn the short stick (pun intended), it’s what you do with it that’s more important.

This poet reminded me of a friend of mine who was master at dealing with the subject of his small penis. He was upfront about it when talking to a woman. His favourite line was “Look love, I’m not going to lie to you or beat around the bush. I have a small penis; it’s a fact; can’t be changed. But believe me the other stuff that I can do, will keep you coming back for more and forget all about size.” And he backed it up; he wasn’t just all talk, like I said, women talk! But in his case the talk was never about how small his penis was rather what he did with it and all the other things that he could do.

When it comes to love making really size is not the most important thing. And some men with large penises have no idea how to use them. They act like their penis size is all they need to bring to the table and as a woman you should be grateful and mesmerised. A word of warning, the era of the average sized man is upon you. And if you don’t pull up your socks, you might find your woman being taken by a smaller sized man than yourself. Average sized dudes know that they need to work that much harder and are not afraid to go down town. When they are with a woman they always bring their A game with them cause they know that they have just one chance to knock it out of the park.

In case you are wondering where you lie in the greater scheme of things, the average length of the male penis when erect is between 12,9cm and 15cm with a width of 12,3cm and 95% of all men lie in the range of 10.7cm to 19.1cm in length. So take out your measuring tapes and rulers and check how you measure up. It’s interesting to note though that there is actually no correlation between race and penis size as per some stereotypes but there is a relationship, albeit it is small, between the man’s height and foot size and his penis size. That one was for you ladies, no more nasty surprises!