The Singles Gym Blog

10 Top Holidays For Singles

2009-02-14T10:35:02+00:00

Hello!

I just found a great little article on the Top 10 Holidays for Singles and thought it would be great to share it with you!

While it’s aimed at getting away for Valentine’s Day, I thought it was a great resource for singles any time of year.

While this article is really for the UK market, I’d love to hear what travel companies you would recommend, for singles, in your country too.

I’ll then put all the recommendations on a special page on my membership site for everyone to enjoy.

Here’s the link:
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/travel/holiday_type/singles/article5719403.ece

Enjoy!

Wishing you a great day!!
Susanne

"He's Just Not That Into You"

2009-02-09T17:46:48+00:00

He’s Just Not That Into You is the story of a group of 20 - 30 year olds who are trying to navigate their way through the love, relationship and dating maze. The movie, tells the story of four women not getting what they want in a relationship - whether it is a phone call, a date, or a proposal. In the movie, the women are to learn the psychology of dating - both the “rules” and the exceptions to the “rules.” And in my view, it’s also about stereotypes, outdated, misguided and limiting beliefs about dating, love and relationships.

As the movie bears out in the end, the characters find themselves and they find love, once they let go of these “rules” and beliefs.

The movie opens showing a young girl being treated badly by a boy. Going to her mother for comfort and advice, she is told that he is behaving this way because, of all reasons - he likes her! As you watch this scene you get your first glimpse into the absurdity of what you and I accept as some of the relationship, love and dating “rules” that we carry with us into our adult lives.

Whether your man is sleeping with someone else, doesn’t like you, won’t propose, or isn’t calling, “He’s Just Not That Into You” gives the women in the audience a harsh dose of reality that their girlfriends are too nice to say. Trying to read the signs of the opposite sex, each of the women in the movie, hopes she is the exception to the dating “rules”.

Watching the different situations play out can be like déjà vu from your own past dating experiences.

Take, Gigi (Ginnifer Goodwin), for example, who is so desperate to find the man of her dreams, that she doesn’t read the “signs”, even when Alex, (Justin Long), the friendly barman spells them out to her. She sees and believes what she wants to believe, only to be disappointed and let down each time. What drives her is the fear that she’ll end up on her own. Anyone is better than no one. It’s only when she lets go of her “need” that she finds the man that is really right for her.

Alex, on the other hand, has the complete opposite experience. He is a “player” who doesn’t get emotionally involved with the women he dates. He stays in control, not allowing any of the women get too close and not allowing himself to get too close to them either. It’s “safe.” It’s only when he drops the stereotype that he finds and falls in love.

Then there is Anna(Scarlett Johansson), who at first, appears to be quite independent and together. You quickly realise, however, that she defines herself by being in a relationship. She can’t be on her own. She’s partly involved with Conor (Kevin Connolly) the estate agent, who she keeps on tow, coming back to him when her other relationships don’t work out. At the end of the movie she is on her own and is heading for India for three months to “find herself.”

Conor, it looks like really wants to be in a settled relationship, but you soon realise that he is hooked into the ‘game’ of trying to get the woman he can’t have. He keeps compromising what he wants, in order to stay in the relationship. Eventually, however, he is able to let go of that need to have her and when he does this, he meets Drew Barrymore. Drew has been in charge of the marketing for his real estate business, but which up until this point, he hasn’t even really noticed.

There is also a married couple in the film, Janni (Jennifer Connelly) and Ben (Bradley Cooper), who were struggling to keep their relationship together. Early on in their relationship, Janni gave Ben an ultimatum. He had to either marry her or the relationship was over. He conceded and married her and is now struggling with how he feels about having done this. The couple don’t face the growing distance in their relationship. Instead, she becomes obsessed with the redecoration of the new house and he becomes obsessed with Anna. In the end, their relationship doesn’t survive.

And finally there is, Beth (Jennifer Aniston) and Neil (Ben Affleck), who seem to have the most together relationship except for one sticking point - the different meaning they both give to the institution of ‘marriage.’ According to the “rules,” if the man you have been together with for some years – 7 years in their case – doesn’t want to marry you, he never will. Ben loves and is committed to Jennifer, but doesn’t believe in marriage. The belief or the ‘rule’ that drives Jennifer to end the relationship is the one that says, “if he really loves you, he will marry you.” After observing her married friends, Jennifer realises that she and Neil had a much happier and healthier relationship. In the end, both Jennifer and Ben let go of their limiting beliefs – and guess what happens? Ben proposes to her and yes, it looks like they will be living “happily ever after.”

“For the first time in history, every couple is on their own to discover how to build a healthy relationship and to forge their own vision of how and why to be together” John Welwood

Rather than continue to follow limiting, outdated, unhelpful, misguide and stereotypical beliefs about relationships, which don’t seem to be working in the modern world anyway, isn’t it time you take charge of your own relationship happiness?

Get Real! Be more of who you are and let others be more of who they really are too!

Valentine’s Day -- How Do You Survive It When You Are Single?

2009-02-05T11:04:05+00:00

Are you single this Valentine’s Day? Let’s face it, of all the holidays we have all year, the worst time to be single has got to be on Valentine’s Day! The shops are full of Valentine’s cards oozing with romantic messages addressed to my darling husband’, ‘beautiful wife’ or ‘gorgeous girlfriend’.

Everywhere we look, we see beautifully decorated chocolate boxes and exotic red roses, special displays in the jewellers while restaurants everywhere advertise their romantic Valentine’s specials.

Through flowers, fragrance and jewelry, the media portray this day as the one day of the year set aside for love, romance and passion so not having a date on Valentine’s Day can evoke feelings of loneliness, self-doubt and lowered self-esteem. The easiest thing would be to find he nearest stone and crawl under it!

Valentine’s Day is a glaring reminder that you are still single -- or worse, that you are single again. It’s a reminder that you still haven’t found the person of your dreams and it may leave you wondering if you ever will.

So what are you supposed to do on Valentine’s Day when you are feeling the blues that you are single? If you are feeling down as Valentine’s Day approaches take heart because there are plenty of ways to ensure you stay happy.

So here are my top suggestions for you this February 14th.

Remember Valentine’s Is Really Just A Commercial Enterprise

Remember that Valentine’s Day is a commercial holiday. It’s not about love and relationships. It’s about selling flowers, cards, chocolate and champagne. Think of how many people get sucked into the false belief it’s about love. Oh yes, think about all the money you are saving too.

Celebrate Your Choice To Be Single

Don’t define yourself by your relationship status. Your relationship status is not your identity. You could easily be in a BTN relationship (Better Than Nothing) and just going through the Valentine’s ritual. Remind yourself that you chose to be single as opposed to being in an unhappy relationship. Feel good about that choice. Remember many people are in a relationship they can't wait to get out of or feel too scared to leave.

Do Something That Really Celebrates Your Independence

Get together with other singles as a way of celebrating and affirming your decision to be single. Have a great night out! Do something that really defines your independent status. Take the day off work and do something you normally don’t have time to do.

Do Something That Moves You Closer To Meeting Your Ideal Partner

If you are single and don’t want to be, plan in advance to do something that doesn’t put you in the path of cooing couples. Use the opportunity to do something new, something that might be the first step to meeting the kind of person you want to meet -- an art class, a keep-fit session at the gym, a film club.

Pamper Yourself – Indulge

If you are single and don’t have a partner, extend the meaning of Valentine's to include doing something for other members of your family to show that you appreciate them. Send flowers to a good friend. Send a card to your children! Invite a group of your single friends over for some fun and laughter that reminds you you don't need a partner to have a great time.

Do Absolutely Nothing

Stay at home and put on your favourite videos, eat and drink exactly what you like. Indulge in your favourite magazines. Put on your favourite music. Dig into your favourite novel.

If you think about the bigger picture, Valentine’s Day is just another day, really. Some countries don’t celebrate it and if you were there, February 14th would feel just like any other day. It’s the meaning you attach to February 14, that will ultimately decide how you cope with that day.
Whatever you do, the overriding message is -- don’t indulge in self pity. You choose your attitude to this day – make it a positive one!

10 Sizzling Dating Tips for The New Year

2009-01-05T13:57:17+00:00

Every year on January 1st we make resolutions to manifest our dreams – maybe it’s a better job, more money, a new home, or and exotic holiday. Why not do the same for your love life? If you ready to be in a relationship and you want to find your ideal partner, why not make that your new years resolution? You can choose to be the author of your own love story. One woman who is taking control of her love life is Neenah Pickett.

Neenah, is a woman on a mission to find her ideal man in 52 weeks. She is a 42-year-old media consultant from New Jersey. Neenah launched a website on Thursday, New Year’s Day, called www.52weeks2findhim.com . Her mission is to meet her future husband by New Year's Eve 2009.

It might be considered online dating to the extreme, but Neenah thinks it's so simple, it just might work. A man can just go on her site and fill out a profile. Rather than trawling through hundreds of dating adverts, a man can easily go to her website and learn about her and watch the videos. And it’s not just her picture you see. You see lots of different pictures of her and she has posted videos on her site too. She has friends talking about her and she has enlisted the help of a life coach on her mission to find her ideal partner.

While that may not feel like the right approach for you here are 10 dating tips that will help make your love life sizzle in 2009 and best of all, these tips are all under your control. If you put in the time, effort and commitment, you can be the author of your love story.

1. BE OPEN- Often we decide something is not right for us before we even give it a try! For example, I hear many singles say, ‘Online dating is for losers.’ They have never tried it before, yet are making a negative judgement call. If you do this sort of nay-saying, take a step back and try something new. It obviously does work as I hear more and more about people who found each other through online dating. If what you’re doing isn’t working try something new or different. You never know what will come of it…

2. GET A LIFE - Often singles wait around for the perfect partner to come save them from their unhappiness or to make them feel good about themselves. Meanwhile they won’t travel, buy a house, take a holiday or pursue their own dreams. If you are happy with who you are and you love your life, you are much more interesting and attractive. Write down some things you’d love to do this year and make them happen for yourself. You’ll be a radiant and more interesting date.

3. LEARN TO DEAL WITH REJECTION- “No” is just a word like yes. Often when we are rejected, we go into what i call a ‘freefall.’ We reject ourselves, we tell ourselves that no one will want to date us, which then makes us feel worse about ourselves and in the end we give up – thereby creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you want the person that is right for YOU, then being rejected is just a normal part of the dating process. Rather than seeing it as being rejected, think of it as a ‘sifting’ process. The ‘rejections’ are just a form of sifting out until you find the person that is ideal for you. Just move on and keep dating.

4. BE CLEAR ABOUT WHAT YOU WANT- It helps to be clear about what you really want when you are looking for the right mate. Take some time and make a list of the qualities that are most important to you. Also know what you won’t accept. Make sure your list is reasonable because no one is perfect. Think more in terms of your enduring core values. It is at the level of values that couples are made or broken. With your eye on the target you are sure to hone in on more appropriate matches.

5. TAKE CONSISTENT ACTION- In order to manifest goals, we need to take action. Pick two things a week that you will do to meet new people and hold yourself accountable for going out. To get the best results, you need to be willing to put in the time and effort. If you don’ do this, you will only find the partner of your dreams while you are sleeping.

6. ENLIST HELP- Everyone does better with a cheerleader or team. If dating is hard for you, enlist some support. Gather your single friends to go out with you to events. Ask the people who love you to fix you up. If you want confidential support, consider hiring a professional dating coach like myself, to keep you in action and on track this year.

7. LOOK BEYOND ‘YOUR TYPE’- Often we pick the same partners again and again, even if the package looks different. As I constantly say, if what you are doing isn’t working, now is the time to try something new. Sometimes it’s the man an inch shorter than your height restriction that sweeps you off your feet and proposes, or it’s the woman who is older than your age restriction that you meet and who makes you happier than you ever dreamed possible. Get out of your own way and give someone new a chance. You may be very glad you did.

8. LEARN WHAT ‘STOPS YOU” IN DATING & MOVE PAST IT- Examine your past dating patterns, limiting beliefs, actions or defensive styles. To learn more about this, get my e-course Get Real! 3 Steps To Creating Your Ideal Relationship. Get some relationship coaching and understand how you get in your own way.

9. STAY POSITIVE- Just because you haven’t met the partner of your dreams yet, doesn’t mean you should give up on love. Commit to having a terrific year and meeting all kinds of new prospects. Begin your dating year with a powerful context like, ‘This year will be the best romantic year yet!’

10. LEARN FROM EVERYONE YOU MEET- Just because each date won’t turn out to be your husband, does not mean that it was a waste of time. Choose to appreciate something and learn something from every date. It will leave your dates feeling great and you will find dating to be a much more positive and valuable experience then ever before.

Happy Dating and have a terrific year!

An Awesome Singleton Christmas - Ten Reasons why Being Single at Christmas is simply fabulous.

2008-12-21T12:52:21+00:00

Being single around the holidays can get you extra seasonally depressed. Everywhere you go, you see couples choosing knick-knacks together, buying new Christmas decorations, holding hands and kissing in front of store windows. They seem so blissfully happy which just makes you feel even worse as you are face Christmas on your own.

I've been there and yes, I've had a great time - being in love and getting showered with expensive gifts! There is no denying it, it’s great when you are in a happy relationship during the holiday season. The problem is that when you are single again, it’s so easy to think about the idea of being in a relationship with rose tinted glasses, remember the good times and forget all the bad times. It’s to easy to indulge in a bit of self pity and convince yourself of how miserable it is being single at Christmas.

And to make matters worse, well-meaning - (but slightly annoying!) friends and relatives keep asking you whether you have met that ‘special’ person yet and you have to admit that that special someone still hasn’t materialized.

“Did you meet anyone interesting last night?” asks your Mom after your work holiday party.

“Are you seeing anyone special?” asks your aunt at Christmas dinner, after glancing at your empty ring finger?

“You work so hard, do you even have time for a relationship?” asks your nosy coworker after a bit too much punch.

In my last blog, I wrote about how easy it is when you are feeling this way to fall into the holiday relationship trap If you are single this Christmas, rather than pressure yourself to be in a relationship, or stick with someone who really isn’t right for you, how about remembering the awesome things about being single during the holidays!

So here it is, my top ten reasons why being single at Christmas is awesome!

1. You are footloose and fancy-free. You can do what you want, when you want and with whom you want. I was out on Friday night, for example and met some new people who subsequently invited me to go out with them the following evening. I was able to accept their invite on the spot and had another great night out the next night – it was unplanned, unexpected and completely spontaneous.

2. When you are single and the holiday parties start rolling in, there are no arguments about which parties to attend. You don’t have to argue about why your partner doesn’t want to spend time with your friends and colleagues, or why you don’t want to hang around your partner’s friends and colleagues. You can go to every single party you are invited to or not go at all. The choice is yours.

3. Nothing can ruin a holiday quite like walking on eggshells around potential future in laws -- or buying of meaningless presents for a bunch of people you only just met or whom you don’t even really get on with. When you are single at Christmas time, the only family you’re obligated to see, are the ones you are related to.

4. You can take the money you are saving by not having to buy a partner and their family presents, and instead get yourself something special. You can indulge, buy anything you like and make your holiday extra special.

5. You don’t have to live up to someone else’s expectations or traditions around Christmas. You can create your own – be as conservative or wild as you want them to be! Stay near home or go off on an adventure holiday with a group of friends or with a singles group.

6. Do you prefer a plastic tree or a live tree at Christmas time? Do you prefer candles or tinseled decorations? Do you like to decorate early in December or just before Christmas day? When you are single, there are no arguments about how the house will be decorated or when the Christmas boxes come out from the garage or the loft. You can decorate your house just the way you like at Christmas time and put the decorations up just when you want to - or not at all.

7. When you are at a party, you won't get trapped talking to one person all night, like often happens when you are in a relationship. You can work the room and meet loads of new people.

8. When you are out celebrating, you don’t have to worry about having to leave the party when your partner wants to. You can stay for a very short time or be the last one standing.

9. People are more jolly and happy during the holiday season and they are more open to meeting new people. With more celebrations going on during the holiday season, you can randomly hook-up with whoever you want to, no mistletoe necessary...

10. You don’t have the pressure of entertaining and trying to impress everyone with your amazing hospitality or culinary skills. You don't have to hide any frozen food packages or spend hours getting your home squeaky clean, because there is no one is there to judge you. Organise a get together in a restaurant instead!

So go and enjoy this holiday season and enjoy being single - it's awesome!