Can I help you? 

Well, I can at least share with you (through my blog) some of the stories from widows who have suffered the same loss as you have.  The growth that takes place when you share your stories is remarkable.   There is a healing process – a learning of who you are as a person and not as a couple.

Can others help you?

Yes, especially other widows because they understand your broken heart. You may have to go online to find widows for support and encouragement. Are you interested in a private Facebook group that has NO men and NO business, a group for widows only? If so go to the search bar in Facebook and type in “The Sisterhood of Widows – Private Group for Widows”. When it comes up click on “Join” and fill out the request. This private group has rules that are strictly enforced so please read over them carefully.

Can you heal your broken heart?

Well, you can use your pain to motivation yourself to find your new path .  It’s not easy and it takes a lot of hard work, but you can do it.  After all,  your life is worth rebuilding.  It is a difficult journey but I know you have the strength and stamina to make it.

Start by reaching out to others that understand your journey, keep a journal, read about widows that have travelled your path and make an effort to get out of the house and do something positive – just for you.  

Treasure your memories: both the ones in the past and the ones in your future.

To Our Shared Journey,                                                                                       Mary Francis is a Certified Grief Recovery Specialist®, Certified Law of Attraction Facilitator, Early Intervention Field Traumatology (EIFT) and Author/Founder of “The Sisterhood of Widows”

Many doctors diagnose our grief as mild depression and reach for their prescription pads.  We may be caring for our bodies, but we often take lousy care of our spirit, our mental health.  It’s important that widows protect and replenish their emotional energy.  The good news is that all widows can develop the skills they need.

First, you need to recognize some of your mental energy drains:  Loss of a loved one, toxic people and bad habits like worry, guilt and loneliness.  Since we are all different, give yourself a break as you work this out.  Don’t listen to others when they claim that your needs are “selfish”.  It’s never selfish for a widow to put energy back into her life.

Mental Energy Drains

Other people’s expectations – Don’t buy into their dreams.  Personalize your life to fit what you can do to be more of who you really are.  There will be people out there that only want to control you – they are using you.  It’s important to understand that they will do whatever we allow them to do.  Instead set yourself free and follow your own path.

Envy – It’s hard as a widow to see others happily married.  But comparison is a loser’s game.  You don’t know what their marriage is really like behind closed doors.  Chances are you wouldn’t want it if you had it.

Worry – Worry is about things you can’t control.  It never comes up with good ideas and just torments us.  There are far too many heartaches as a widow to stress over them all, so we must choose the ones we determine are worth the effort.  Some things are just not worth the energy we spend on them.  The cure to worry is action, doing one thing to help you cope.  Example:  Writing in your journal.

Unfinished projects – Decisions not made and delayed projects drain your energy.  Just make a decision, even one imperfect decision is better then none.  Insecure widows have difficulty making decisions because they are on their own and nervous of making the wrong one.  They are used to sharing the responsibility with their husbands and don’t trust themselves to do the right thing.  All you can do is your best, knowing that as you make decisions you will learn and gain experience.

Over Commitment – Are you always saying “Yes”?  Feel your power by saying “No” every once in a while.  If you don’t want to do something and yet say “Yes” out of fear of rejection then you need to acknowledge that fear.

Toxic People – If we want a more peaceful life, it stands to reason that the people we spend time with should not be complicated, intense or stressful.  If the people around you are peaceful it will help you to remain peaceful too.  Look at your friendships and if they are not nurturing you then consider making some changes.

Protect yourself from mental energy drains. Our emotional energy will increased the more we learn what our drains are, and what we can do to lessen them.

To Our Shared Journey,                                                                                      

Mary Francis is a Certified Grief Recovery Specialist®, Certified Law of Attraction Facilitator, Early Intervention Field Traumatology (EIFT) and Author/Founder of “The Sisterhood of Widows”

We all have negative thoughts but we don’t have to dwell on them.  We are told that we simply have to change our focus, like changing the radio station we are listening to.  I wish it was that simple, but while grieving our mental health is already weakened.  It’s important to keep repeating to yourself, ‘I am in control and I don’t have to listen to negative thoughts’.  It’s true, you don’t have to accept or endure negative thoughts.

Instead, I’ve personally changed my negative thoughts to, ‘I am healthy and I can accomplish my dreams’.  If you want to live a more positive life then you can’t focus on the negative – those thoughts just aren’t a match to positive living.

When grieving, we need support but often someone does us wrong, and we think ‘Get even, Hold a grudge or Block them’.  These negative thoughts will poison your life.  Pay attention to your thoughts and guard your mind.

Unfortunately, some of us have a bad habit of tuning into negative thoughts.  We are drawn to the drama they provide.  Don’t let this become you.  It’s hard enough while grieving to keep our emotions under control.  We don’t need to add fuel to the negatives by giving them our attention.

If you see a couple you might have jealous thoughts such as, ‘Why do they still have each other? And it’s not fair.’  You may be drawn into negative thoughts of loneliness, but don’t get sucked into this.  Stop and focus on what you’re thinking – if it doesn’t serve you then focus on positives.

If you keep your mind filled with positive thoughts, your grief will be easier to handle.  As a widow you will have setbacks and disappointments so you have to be especially on guard.

Negative people are toxic so don’t accept their hurtful words about what you can’t do, what you should do and all the things they think you aren’t doing right.  Don’t allow their lies to become your negative thoughts.

To Our Shared Journey,                                                                                      

Mary Francis is a Certified Grief Recovery Specialist®, Certified Law of Attraction Facilitator, Early Intervention Field Traumatology (EIFT) and Author/Founder of “The Sisterhood of Widows”

If you experience intense depression your therapist is likely to recommend a psychiatrist or physician who will evaluate whether or not depression medicines will be helpful.  Some widows worry about the long term effects of antidepressant medication and their physician can help with all the pros and cons.

Different antidepressant medications may be prescribed depending on the particular symptoms you have and the specific effect you and your physician want to achieve.  The side effects may include dry mouth, drowsiness and weight changes.

Antidepressants can restore the brain to a more healthy balance and you may need it for a few years.  Although some widows benefit from taking antidepressants longer, it should always be done with careful consults with your physician.

It is important for you to follow your physician’s directions in taking and stopping antidepressant medications. Doses sometimes need to be increased or decreased slowly to achieve the desired effects.

When we are depressed we imagine that our future is bleak and negative.  This anticipation of negatively is called “hopelessness”.  A negative attitude towards the future, in its most extreme hopelessness can contribute to thoughts of suicide.  The core belief may be that “I’m worthless” or “I’m un-loveable” or “Life will never get any better than this.”  Almost all widows who are grieving think these types of self-critical thoughts at one time or another.  These thoughts are damaging because they contribute to low self-esteem and block our healing.

If you feel traumatized and vulnerable stop and ask yourself “What if?”  That question will take you out of fear, to where you can make a conscious choice.  “What if” I exercise three times a week?  “What if” I sell my home?  “What if” I stay and get the maintenance support I need?

It is often helpful to increase activities that give us a sense of accomplishment.  When we do activities that are enjoyable or that accomplish something, we usually feel better.  These activities need not be expensive or time consuming.  They are often everyday enjoyable events that we can do, but sometimes we need the helping hand proper depression medicines can give us.

To Our Shared Journey,                                                                                      

Mary Francis is a Certified Grief Recovery Specialist®, Certified Law of Attraction Facilitator, Early Intervention Field Traumatology (EIFT) and Author/Founder of “The Sisterhood of Widows”

Your loss is influenced by your marriage, manner of their death, your emotional support, age and background.  Don’t compare your grief journey to others or make assumptions about just how long your grief will last.  Take a one-day-at-a-time approach that allows you to grieve at your own pace.

Don’t be afraid to talk about the person he was and the memories that allow for both laughter and tears.  It’s important not to ignore your grief and to talk about the death of your spouse if you need to.  It’s okay to speak from both your heart and your head.

You may feel confused, disoriented, fearful, guilty and angry all at the same time.  These emotions are all normal and healthy so permit yourself to feel and don’t be surprised if surges of grief suddenly come out of nowhere.  Seek out those people who encourage you to be yourself and are willing to acknowledge your feelings.

Understand your physical and emotional limits while grieving.  Pay attention to what your body and mind are telling you.  Get some rest, eat balanced meals and don’t feel guilty about how you’re dealing with the death of your spouse.

Hold your memories close to your heart even though they may make you emotional.  It’s not good to turn our emotions off and be numb to our grief.  It’s important to remember that healing doesn’t mean forgetting.

When you start to feel worried, panicked or angry, stop and pause.  Take some time to acknowledge how you are feeling.  Sometimes our broken heart needs some time to calm our minds.  Do something different.  Take a break, listen to music, go for a walk or enjoy time with a friend.  It may be just what you need.

Start with a single step – the simplest thing you can do that takes you in the direction you want to be.  Ask yourself, “What’s the simplest thing I can do TODAY to get started?”  Even when things seem to be falling apart around you, try to find time to see what blessings you still have.  It’s very healing and it will help your broken heart.

Don’t give up.  Keep telling yourself, “I’m going to do one positive thing today.  I’m not going to give up.”  It helps to appreciate the good thing you still have in your life.  The more time you spend doing that, the more positive energy you will bring into your life.

After the death of your spouse you will need people to share your emotional feeling with, people who will be there for you.  Sometimes we tend to withdraw or back away from people we care about.  We don’t want to worry them, but we all need the support that comes from talking about our problems and concerns.

It’s a misconception that we should be happy all the time.  Our goal shouldn’t be to always be positive, but to manage our emotions.  People who care about us will help us to find a balance between our grief and positive feelings that will lead us forward.  We don’t “move on”, but we do need to “move forward” and not get stuck in grief to the point that our broken hearts can’t heal.

To Our Shared Journey,                                                                                      

Mary Francis is a Certified Grief Recovery Specialist®, Certified Law of Attraction Facilitator, Early Intervention Field Traumatology (EIFT) and Author/Founder of “The Sisterhood of Widows”

I care about your pain and your broken hearts, and I wish I could help more.  I hate that you’re going through this because as a widow I totally understand your pain.

While everyone mourns differently, typically it takes time to heal before one’s grief would start to soften and not be so sharp.  Widows need to look for ways to heal their broken hearts, while still accepting that it takes time to heal and grief cannot be rushed.  For many, peace comes with the help of a therapist who specialized in grief.  Be honest with yourself about how you are coping with your loved ones death.  Don’t hide behind the mask of, “I’m okay”.

For online support follow my Blog at www.thesisterhoodofwidows.com.  There are also three free guides that you can download off my website.  In addition to my Blog and Guides go to my Grief Support page for lots of other online Grief Resource Sites that are free (I am not paid to promote them).

For local support find other widows that are further alone in their grief and talk to them.  No one understands better than another widow that has already travelled this path.  They also understand that it takes time to heal so they will not rush you along.

In life it is important to try new hobbies and adventures.  Start something new, something that takes your focus off of your grief so that your broken heart will have time to heal.  Reading is one of the most effective defenses against loneliness.  Reading helps us to forget about our pain; fiction, comedy and biography are a brief break from our grief.

Lastly, pets help us grieve as time heals.  If you don’t have a pet consider volunteering where you can work with animals.  Their unconditional love will help your loneliness and also your broken heart heal.

To Our Shared Journey,                                                                                      

Mary Francis is a Certified Grief Recovery Specialist®, Certified Law of Attraction Facilitator, Early Intervention Field Traumatology (EIFT) and Author/Founder of “The Sisterhood of Widows”

True friends are the people who are there to throw you a life line when you’re drowning in your grief.  They help buffer you against the stress and loneliness of life as a widow.

A woman’s ability to nurture her friendships is one of the reasons why life is easier and she has a longer lifespan than a man.  Friends often do for us what our family can’t.  We can talk to them about the things that are taboo among family members.  They also provide another point of view without judging us.

Few people need to be taught how to make friends, but keeping friendships going can be tough.  Yes, you are grieving!  But friendships can’t be put on hold indefinitely without losing them.  Keep in touch, send a note, write a message, go for coffee – just make sure that you let them know that you still value their friendships even if you are not feeling sociable at this time.

You will keep the line of communication open by staying sensitive to each other and by acknowledging that you’re temporarily at different times and stages in your life.  Let your friends know you are not going to be available as much but that you will still make time for them.

When friends make a mistake or say something they shouldn’t please don’t give up on them.  There’s good in friendships and hopefully things can be turned around.  They just don’t understand our grief and how our broken heart is.  How can they?  We don’t even understand our own emotions.

So, my answer to the question “What are friends for?” – is they are something solid to hold onto while everything else is falling apart around you.  You can talk about everything; the old times and the new.  It’s so therapeutic to be with people who know you so well that you don’t have to hide your grief.  It’s a safe place to be and I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

To Our Shared Journey,                                                                                      

Mary Francis is a Certified Grief Recovery Specialist®, Certified Law of Attraction Facilitator, Early Intervention Field Traumatology (EIFT) and Author/Founder of “The Sisterhood of Widows”

You may feel intense sadness knowing that someone you love is dying and you may fear what life will be like without them.  It helps if you keep talking to them about how you feel, say things you want said.  Talk about the things you are thankful for, express your regrets, frustrations, guilt, fear and anger.

Take time to care for yourself and accept all the offers of help you get.  If your religious then draw on the resources of your faith.  Find some quiet time for yourself to meditate or just take a walk by yourself to reflect on anticipatory grief.

At some point in our lives each one of us will face anticipatory grief.  But for all that, it’s one of the least understood emotions.  The more of ourselves we have invested in another person, the more deeply we feel the loss.  It’s like we are beginning to feel the loss of a part of ourselves.  We can’t really start to find our way back until we accept that the loss is coming.

Grieve is a painful and frightening process that each woman travels in her own unique way.  There is no proper, normal way to handle anticipatory grief.  A quiet person may respond with increased quietness.  An efficient person may become even more efficient.  Some will clean the house from top to bottom, while others won’t be able to move off the couch.  We act the way we do because that is our way of handling our anticipatory grief.

Be open to finding strength in your faith, friends, family and your own life experiences.  Your heart is starting to break apart and there are no words of comfort that will help.  Spend this time with your loved one, speak of your memories, of your love and get all the hugs you can.

To Our Shared Journey,                                                                                      

Mary Francis is a Certified Grief Recovery Specialist®, Certified Law of Attraction Facilitator, Early Intervention Field Traumatology (EIFT) and Author/Founder of “The Sisterhood of Widows”

Friends came over, but I don’t remember talking.  I just remember thinking that my world will never be the same again.  And then the tears came and I cried in bed, in the car and at work.  After a while, my tears became just another fact of my new life.

I worried that it would always be this way and that I’d find life just too upsetting to cope with.  But that didn’t happen, as after a time I could smile again and share my memories.  It’s a curious feeling, this gift of tears while healing from a great loss.  Although part of me wanted to mourn forever, something nudged me back into life; the life of friends, grandchildren, celebrations and gratefulness.

In the toughest of moments we need to believe that if we just take one more step than we will be okay.  Each step forward helps us to feel that we are capable of grieving and healing.

There is no strength without challenge, resistance and often pain.  When grieving it’s hard to accept but the problems we face will build our courage, discipline and hope.  That’s where strength comes from – your ability to stand up, face resistance and step forward.

Your biggest fear may have been to lose your husband, it happened and you lived through that horror.  The gift of tears helped your broken heart heal so don’t hold back because of what others may think.  I know you can take the next thing that comes along, so take one more step forward.

I learned that being happy didn’t mean that I had forgotten Donnie.  My tears had washed my pain away and I became more in touch with the person I once was.  That was my broken heart healing.

To Our Shared Journey,                                                                                      

Mary Francis is a Certified Grief Recovery Specialist®, Certified Law of Attraction Facilitator, Early Intervention Field Traumatology (EIFT) and Author/Founder of “The Sisterhood of Widows”

How you interact with others and your past experiences will influence how low or high your self-esteem is.  But the past is just that and your present day self-esteem is still within your control.

For example, if you compare yourself to others and you believe you come out on top, your level of self-esteem would be high.  However, if you come out at the bottom, your self-esteem could drop. The common saying, “Comparison is the thief of joy” is especially true for widows while they are grieving.  Comparing our lives to others, especially friends who still have their husbands, will only diminish our lives and lower our self-esteem.

This is where your perception of yourself may have no reality or truth.  If you want to build up your self-esteem you have to stop the criticism from both others and yourself.  You need to find your true value and believe me, it’s much higher than you think.

That is not to say that you think so much of yourself that you don’t value others.  If you have a true sense of self-worth you don’t have to be the center of attention.

We all worry about what others think of us, but we need to understand how little they do!  We are not the center of attention for everyone around us, so don’t be obsessed with what others are thinking about us.

We believe what we tell ourselves, but what if our perception is terribly distorted?  Where our emotions are involved, our negative assumptions may become a self-creating prophecy.  Once you recognize the limitations of how you look at yourself you can make different choices in how you respond to life around you.

This is the moment where you start holding yourself accountable for your own self-esteem.  Question whether your perceptions are grounded in fact or are your beliefs thwarting your healing?

Real self-esteem is based on finding areas where we can improve ourselves.  Healthy widows know that they will always be a work in progress.  They control their own growth, healing and self-esteem.

Pay close attention to your life and focus on what will build up your self-esteem.  Each of us has our own struggles and successes.  The worst thing we can do is compare ourselves with those around us.  Don’t believe all that you see on your friends Facebook page.  They don’t post the bad moments and believe me they have them.

To Our Shared Journey,                                                                                      

Mary Francis is a Certified Grief Recovery Specialist®, Certified Law of Attraction Facilitator, Early Intervention Field Traumatology (EIFT) and Author/Founder of “The Sisterhood of Widows”