After the age of sixty-five, we start to feel ourselves aging with all our aches and pains.  Those of us that end up spending time in a nursing home will stay an average of 2.9 years.

Women in particular are more prone to be destined for long term care as we live longer than men and tend to develop more chronic ailments.

Nursing Homes have a cost of care average from $30,000 to $100,000 a year and it is increasing.  In-home care can vary in costs but is estimated to range from $8,500 to $70,000 a year depending on what is needed.

Unfortunately, most of us will pay for this care from our savings – the money you and your husband worked for and saved during your lifetime.

One final avenue available for help with long term care needs is your family.  But few families today are prepared financially and emotionally to maintain a high level of support for an extended period of time.

I’m no expert on this but one way to avoid becoming a financial burden on your family is to purchase long term care insurance but it’s not cheap.

Long Term Care Policy (LTC)

Statistics show one of three will use their long term care insurance policy (LTC).  Policies generally offer up to $240 a day for nursing care and $40 to $150 a day for home care.

Benefit period is the length of time benefits will be paid – range from two years to lifetime.

Average stay is 2.9 years so consider a four year to lifetime benefit.

Inflation options to keep pace with rising long term care costs.

Elimination period is the time during initial confinement before benefits will start.  This period could go from zero to ninety days.  The shorter the elimination period the higher the premium.  You should have only one elimination period no matter how many times you may need care.

A rider that if you don’t use the benefits you or your beneficiaries can get some money back but this can increase your premium cost up an extra 35 percent.

Home Health Care (HHC) – care at home that covers at least two years or 730 visits is often recommended.  Be sure to check out all your options- care at home as well as in an institution.

Guaranteed renewable every year for the rest of your life.

A pre-condition - It should not require a stay in a hospital  for benefits to begin.

Does not require that the home health care be done by a professional health care worker

“Personal care” is covered as well as intermediate care.

Adult day care is covered.

Offers a grace period to keep your policy in case you forget to make a premium payment.

“Outline of Coverage” document from your agent that summarizes important features.

“Gatekeepers” that you must meet before you qualify for benefits.  The most common of these are Medical Physician saying you need the care, cognitive impairment like Alzheimer’s or activities of daily living (ADL).  When you cannot perform two of the six ADL’s you may qualify – bathing, feeding, dressing, transferring, continence and going to the toilet.

“Restoration of benefits” – If it’s not a lifetime benefit make sure your policy has this feature so if you recover and leave the nursing home and are not re-admitted for at least 180 consecutive days  the company will restore your original full benefit period.

Premium is based on your age and health at the time of purchase.  In most cases the earlier you buy a policy the better.  Once you begin receiving benefits you no longer have to pay premiums.  In most cases, the total cost of a LTC policy is far less expensive than the cost of one year in a nursing home.

A good guideline is to not spend more than 5 percent of your monthly income on premiums. Be sure you don’t purchase a LTC policy if you can’t afford the premiums for the rest of your life.  Example: at the healthy age of 60 the yearly premiums could be between $2,000 and $3,000 a year.

Above is a list of points for reference only.  It you are interested in this it’s important that you consult your financial advisor or insurance agent for more details.

We think that the future will bring happiness but it won’t.  As soon as that future moment comes so does grief if it hasn’t already been dealt with.

The trick is to be in the moment with no need, no attachment and just gratitude for what is good in your life.

As we near the end of our own life will we realize that we missed out on life itself?

I do my best to be in the moment, knowing as I do that it comes with the good and the bad.  I believe that if I life in the moment, the next moments will be just as good or better.

The key is to be here now, with awareness and gratitude.  You will attract more of the good things in life and appreciate them longer.

I fully realize you may be thinking that you have too much pain to feel grateful for anything at all.  But there’s always something to be grateful for.  It’s a matter of choosing to see it.

Be grateful for the roof over your head, your friends, your meals and your life.  Start wherever you can, because feeling grateful is the fastest way to attract a miracle.

In fact, feeling grateful lets you know that the miracle is already happening.

“Children grieve through short spurts and then may return to a normal activity,” said Deborah Hutton, a supervisor for chaplains with Providence Health & Services in Olympia.

When children resume their normal behavior patterns and activities, adults may mistakenly believe that the children are just fine, dismissing children’s need for grief support. This dismissal can leave them feeling sad, confused and acting out their feelings.

If your community does not offer a grief support group for children, consult Children’s Grief Education Association, www.childgrief.org, where you will find information on children’s grief responses, how to help and what to say, a support group locator and survivors of suicide information.

Your grandchildren may tell you how they feel or what they believe about the loss as they play with blocks, enjoy the outdoors or draw pictures. So pay attention.

This is a great article to help us understand a child’s grief and for more information please go to : http://childgrief.org/childgrief.htm

Some widows want to keep their husbands Facebook page open so that people can write on it.  They also like to go back and see past comments that their husbands had posted.

“Some people like it, because it’s a way for them to memorialize their person who has died, and they can look on it and it makes them feel like they haven’t been forgotten. I think they’re changing the way that we grieve through the use of Facebook, “says Sanderson, a Grief Center Coordinator for the Northern Illinois Hospice and Grief Center.

The other side is that widows are feeling lonely and using Facebook too much can actually increase their loneliness.  It’s healthy to be with other people and not always be by yourself.

Another thought is that Facebook page may be setup to send automatic messages, like birthday well wishes and it can freak people out to get a Facebook message from their dead friend or family member.

This is a decision that could go either way but just in case you ever want to close out your spouse’s social media accounts you should be aware that you will need their passwords to do so.

Stedman was written a book called “Identity” and it’s a great book on taking control of who you are and on how to define your identity and path in life.

I strongly recommend his book as it puts the power back into your hands and will help you achieve our goals.

• Family
• Fun
• Health
• Work
• Life’s Purpose
• Money
• Relationships
• Self-Image
• Self-Growth
• Travel

Almost all of my decisions will fall within one of these ten groups.  What I soon realized is that many of these life choices don’t require actual change but further knowledge or a change of perspective.

We cannot, for instance, change the loss of our husband.  We can only change ourselves and our reaction to the loss.

As widows clear thinking is hard to come by as we have been thrown completely off balance and into the unknown world of single life.

Flexibility is the ability to choose how we respond to our life events.  We need to be flexible so we can use clear thinking when we make decisions.

Clear thinking and flexibility don’t come naturally when you are widowed.  You have to seek out positive resources and work your way through the grief.  Don’t give up and get swallowed up in your pain.

Take control because it’s your life and it’s up to you to make the life choices that need to be made. What we change will switch us to balance, harmony and self-empowerment which in turn will result in a new life of accomplishment.

But there are still times when they come washing over me and I found this last month hard to handle.  It has been over five years since Donnie died but on his birthday he would have been fifty-eight years old.

All our plans for retirement, enjoying the cottage and travelling died with Donnie.  We lose so much when our husbands die and it takes time and effort to get back on track.

We need to grieve but after the tears and shock we are faced with confronting a life that is strange – a non-couple, single again life.

We need to find support that understands our confusion and pain – change our way of thinking and expand our horizons.  It sounds easy but it’s not!

I looked after my grandchildren this past weekend while their parents were away.  While doing their laundry I wondered if my son wore the same size pants as his father.  Silly, isn’t it – the thoughts that pop into our minds.  But while folding the laundry I couldn’t resist looking at my son’s pant size.  And there it was – he wore the same size as his father.  Such a silly and unimportant fact and yet it was important for me to know.

Birthday’s, holidays and anniversaries will come and go but grief can still be overwhelming as you realize that all your dreams and plans have been totally wiped out, never to come true in the ways you had imagined.  I felt that Donnie was always going to be the other half of what made me feel whole and it took me a while to feel complete again.

Dealing with the loss of your spouse is a process that takes time.  Grieving also takes hard work to find your bearings again and to feel like you are a valuable, though single, person.  But if you continue to put forth the effort and give yourself time, you will eventually heal and find your way.

Feelings are a big part of what makes you a distinct person.  Coupled with your thoughts, beliefs, and values, they contribute to your uniqueness.  What you feel isn’t right or wrong, good or bad – Feeling just are. 

Your feelings will change over time, especially as you begin to work through them and create new thoughts and behaviors.  Grief doesn’t go away on its own; it needs to be dealt with openly and honestly.

I know the role of the caregiver – I lived it 24/7.  There were times when the well-meaning advice of others was difficult to receive because I was in the midst of an incredible journey.  I so very much wanted to do it “right.”  It was easy to forget myself – and I didn’t mind.

There would be time for me … afterwards.  I do realize now, however, that I might have been stronger, better, wiser and more helpful had I listened to some advice.  Hindsight is such wonderful vision!

The End Of Life Experience Thru The Eyes Of The Caregiver

The “experts” tell me there are three things a caregiver must do –  eat right, exercise and get enough sleep.

I cannot eat! There is no taste, nor any aroma, that stimulates my senses.  Often my stomach turns at the very thought of food.  Friends bring cakes and casseroles,  not knowing that my loved one can barely swallow and so their gifts go stale upon the kitchen counter.  My body is weak and I know it craves nourishment, but I cannot eat.

Exercise?

Some days I can barely lift my body from the chair.  Some days, the spoon I lift from soup bowl to my loved one’s lips seems heavy and my hand shakes.  There are days I walk from room to room without focus, unable to remember the task I wanted to perform.  Is that exercise?

I lift the phone to my ear to answer endless phone calls  from well-meaning friends and family.  Is that exercise?  Anything more would surely cause my heart to burst for I am so fragile I fear my body will break.

Sleep? What is sleep?

I keep one ear on alert to hear the call of my loved one.  I have promised to always be there to answer.  Sometimes I doze, then awaken, fearful that my loved one might have called for me. I watch for a moment.  I listen for a breath. Sleep? What is sleep?

Who is the person who has spoken this advice to me?  Is it someone who has walked in my shoes,  for surely they would know the impossibility of their advice.  Yes, everyone tells me to take care of myself first,  but do they understand the magnitude of a caregiver’s mission? These care giving days will end and I must be certain they were lived to the highest level of sacredness.

Yes, I am prepared to sacrifice my well-being for the sake of my loved one.  There will be time enough to eat and exercise and sleep.  Right now, my mission calls.  I am a caregiver.

They need understanding and patience, comfort and acceptance, but are often missed because we are experiencing our own grief and loss.

• Choose a time to talk to your child without interruptions and distractions.
• Choose a place that is quiet and comfortable – like a walk in a park.
•  Be relaxed and open to what they have to say.
•  Be aware of their age and level of understanding.
•  Keep focused on the child by giving them your full attention.
•  Listen patiently and if you don’t have the answers just say so.
•  Show your love and faith that things will work out.
•  Be aware that children watch how you are acting with others because your actions are more powerful than your words.

It’s hard to tell a child that death is part of life and we grow from it, but we can help each other by just talking openly about the death of their loved one.

Children are just small people and in their grief need the same thing we need – kindness, understanding, compassion and love.