The Sizzling Mess

DID MISCHA EAT MARISSA OR SOMETHING?

2014-05-05T22:40:00.000+01:00

Okay seriously Mischa Barton what the fuck happened to you? The actress who was once known for playing regulation hottie Marissa Cooper in The OC was seen grabbing lunch in LA the other day and she's totes piled on the pounds. Even her poor dog looked on with an expression of disgust as she clutched at her burger and Starbucks drink. You need to ditch the junk food, hire a trainer and stop eating cause otherwise you're headed for Kirstie Alley territory.

[Image via X17]

MONICA GELLER IS JUST A DISTANT MEMORY...

2014-05-02T13:15:00.000+01:00

It makes us kinda said that Courteney Cox feels the need to do all this shit to her face cause she used to be so pretty. The former star of hit TV show Friends posted a pic to her Instagram account of her filming a new movie, so while that hair is most likely a wig those lips are very much hers (or not). It's like she's just been told her entire family died in an airplane crash and this is her expression of sadness. The frozen dead eyes and puffy fish lips are just awful and you'd think her "natural is the way" BFF Jennifer Aniston would at least say something.

[Image via INSTAGRAM]

WHAT WORLD ARE YOU LIVING IN MARIAH?

2014-05-01T09:00:00.000+01:00

Okay so it's well known that Mariah Carey always employs a body double or just airbrushes herself to shit on her album covers but this one takes the fucking cake. Everything about her body on the left has been digitally altered and then on the evening that this photo was released she was dumb enough to wear a skin tight black dress to her album launch party which of course revealed the truth. Mariah has always been a foodie and we're guessing that getting into that black dress was like trying to put toothpaste back in the tube. The poor woman needs to realize that she's a big bird and just live with it or she should just starve herself like Xtina.

[Image via DEF JAM/SPLASH]

THIS IS THE FUTURE OF LINDSAY LOHAN TOO...

2014-04-30T14:30:00.000+01:00

Seriously WTF is going on with Tara Reid in general? Her career has been on a downward spiral since American Pie and her weight is always going up and down although more down of late. The mediocre actress was papped walking around LA the other day and the bitch looked skeletal to say the least. With the exception of the air bags in her chest she pretty much looked like a fake skeleton stolen from a high school and then put in a trashy LA outfit. We hope she gains weight before she dies and she really needs to fix the gold color of her hair too cause it's rank. Oh dear... it's pretty evident that these celebs need us in their lives.

[Image via WENN]

TANNING MOM MUST BE BLIND IT'S OFFICIAL...

2014-04-29T23:05:00.000+01:00

Patricia Krentcil aka Tanning Mom always brightens our day cause we love that she thinks she actually looks good enough to leave the house looking like this. Anyone who thinks this is presentable should be sectioned under the mental health act cause she looks like a $2 hooker with chlamydia and that's being nice. We just don't understand how that patchy tan can go unnoticed when she looks at her reflection in the mirror...well unless the cracks in it cause a blur. Seriously though go buy a loofah and some industrial strength scrub and take a shower cause you look disgusting.

[mage via MEDIA PUNCH]

EWWW PLEASE JUST STOP WEARING SHORTS!

2014-04-28T09:45:00.000+01:00

Something must be hiding inside Lena Dunham's thighs cause that shape just ain't normal for a white girl unless she majorly lucked out on the gene lottery. Seriously though this bitch makes Nicki Minaj look anorexic. The annoying main star of HBO show Girls was seen walking (those poor shoes) in NYC wearing some horrific shorts that showcased her nasty legs and God knows what else from behind. Furthermore we noticed how oddly shaped her midriff is and how small her tits are...it's like the textbook definition of a pear shape but gone wrong. We get that she's a good writer and bla bla bla, but all we really wanna do is shove a sock in her mouth.

[Image via SPLASH]

THE REAL LILY SURE AIN'T A PRETTY SIGHT

2014-04-25T19:00:00.000+01:00

Lily Allen is apparently making a return to the spotlight cause for some reason she thinks she's relevant and interesting. The truth is obviously that her savings account is getting low and she wants more $$$ cause she's a fashion whore who lives beyond her means. Anyway the pop star (trying to not laugh) was snapped leaving a club the other night in London and the poor bird looked like a rough mom who needed some sleep. Also is anyone confused by the lyrics in her latest song Sheezus cause it would seem that she believes she's in the same league as some pretty big singers and it's just erm a little awkward cause she's Lily Allen?

[Image via XPOSURE]

WHEN FASHION QUEEN'S GET IT OH SO WRONG

2014-04-24T15:25:00.000+01:00

Now we've only ever done one other post on erm we guess style icon Olivia Palermo cause let's face it the bitch looks good about 99% of the time. Unfortunately for her she rocked up to a movie premiere this week in NYC looking like she'd been hanging out with the Tanning Mom. Her hair was also very close to Cousin Itt territory as it looked like her head was being consumed by some odd follicular being. Such a shame when someone like this gets it so wrong but at least she's not as lame as Whitney Port right.

HOW IS THIS BITCH STILL ALIVE...FOR REAL?

2014-04-23T22:50:00.000+01:00

We genuinely don't understand how Gabourey Sidibe both continues to walk the earth and also breathe in general? The actress isn't just huge she's mammoth and must live in multiple zip codes due to her larger than life frame. While we liked her in Precious and AHS Coven there ain't no denying that this bitch is one epic walrus. Surely her heart is crying on a daily basis and her toilet must literally hate her and sweat in fear after every meal she ingests.

[Image via GETTY]

YOU KNOW ANGELINA LOVES SEEING THIS

2014-04-22T08:05:00.000+01:00

Poor old Jennifer Aniston is the girl that's always going to be pitied no matter what her net worth grows to. She's got the career (luck and timing at best) and the cute girl looks when she's made up, but one thing she ain't is a natural beauty people. On top of that it's gotta hurt your self esteem for life when you're man was tapping another woman's pussy behind your back and then left you for her...oh and it makes it all worse when the woman was Angelina Jolie. We'd love to be a fly on the wall when Jen & Ange are doing their weekly grocery shop...talk about about a soap opera.

[Image via GC/WARNER BROS]

NOBODY WANTS TO SEE THIS SHIT HONEY

2014-04-21T12:20:00.000+01:00

Lauren Goodger is either really clever and has a fitness DVD in the works or she's just a fat mess who's more deluded than Madonna is about her career. The former TOWIE star was papped "working out" in clothing about 50 sizes too small and it really did look evil. To be honest we pity the poor onlookers who were trying to do their daily workout without bringing up their lunch. We just can't think of any men who would want to procreate with this mess.

[Image via FLYNET]

BRITISH WOMEN ARE SO CLASSY AIN'T THEY?

2014-04-04T19:55:00.000+01:00

No the above is not a group of pigs playing dress up, it's actually a group of women wearing their finest to the opening day of the Grand National in Liverpool. Wow we're actually surprised we kept our lunch down whilst writing that opener. Anyway we just had to give these ladies their extra 2 minutes of fame cause they really do look like a bunch of beasts...and that's being polite. We're guessing the first bird on the left pulls in shifts as a barmaid to make ends meet cause she's got that brassy Northern look and let's face it that outfit has Primark written all over it. We don't even know what the second woman is if we're honest but we'll go with a hooker that's experiencing cum erosion on her teeth. The third is obviously the best looking out of them all but those legs are just evil and the salesperson should be fired just for selling her that dress. Last but not least we'll take a guess and say the pig in the floral dress works as a hairdresser (nothing to back this theory up of course), but she does look like one of those birds that always has an excuse to not start the diet and ends up looking like Free Willy and feeling insecure in her holiday snaps. Now we ain't perfect but what you've just read is what we like to call saying it like is people.

[Image via DAILY MAIL]

DREAM LOVER HAS BECOME CAKE LOVER...

2014-04-03T22:40:00.000+01:00

We honestly don't get what goes on in the kitchen of singer turned beast Mariah Carey these days. The high note songstress was papped leaving her apartment in NYC yesterday and judging by her fat ass cheeks it looked as though she'd been back on the pies again. Seriously did someone just inflate her head cause it looks fucking huge? At least she kept her massive tits and thighs hidden cause we know MC loves dressing like a whore, although it doesn't work when your body resembles the frame of a pig honey. Just pick a side like Nicole Richie and Kirstie Alley have and stay there!

[Image via AKM/GSI]

YOU AIN'T NEVER GONNA BE COCO CHANEL!

2014-04-02T13:15:00.000+01:00

Liza Minnelli gets a lot of heat from us but if you look like this then you're bound to be our favorite hot mess. The campy singer was seen attending a charity event in NYC the other night and judging by the above snap she was trying to channel Coco Chanel and failed miserably as per usual. The dressy hat, curled sideburn, fake beauty mark and excess pearls screamed drag queen and as usual the deluded star thought she'd looked a million dollars. You've gotta love hot mess fag hag who thinks she's the shit though!

[Image via GETTY]

EVEN SHARKS WOULDN'T RAPE THIS MESS

2014-04-01T12:50:00.000+01:00

One of the reasons that we love Tara Reid is that she's such a hot mess and still actually believes that she's hot and everyone wants to fuck her. The actress who now does shitty TV movies (let's face it American Pie was the height of her career) posted a pic to on Twitter of her splashing around on the beach in Malibu and boy did it look rough to say the least. The poor bitch has always just had that cheap and used look and of course the fuck off fake tits and anorexic frame don't help. We're guessing Californian chicks must age amazingly well with all that sun exposure and poor diet.

[Image via TWITTER]

WE CAN'T FEEL THE LOVE TONIGHT FOR ELT...

2014-03-31T19:25:00.000+01:00

Poor old Elton John was finally snapped out shopping in LA the other without his famous round spectacles and let's just say we now get why he wears them all the time. The campy legend was seen browsing a wig store (shocker) in the Hollywood area and we're hoping he was planning to replace the dodgy rug he was papped wearing. What's going on with that bloodshot eye though and you'd think with all his dosh he'd get those eye bags removed wouldn't you?

[Image via GOLDEN EYE]

DOES POOR ANTONIO ACTUALLY FUCK THIS?

2014-03-21T13:40:00.000+00:00

Whatever happened to the cute Melanie Griffith that graced out screens in Working Girl people? Nowadays the poor bitch looks more like a Beverly Hills science project than an aging actress and we don't get why she continues to screw with her face. Even a $4,000 Balenciaga jacket in goat leather can't save her from looking a freak show which is incredibly sad. Even money can't save this bitch no more so maybe she should do a Mia Farrow and become a weird "I am of the Earth" freak who adopts every kid she lays her eyes on.

[Image via GETTY]

WE LOVE A WOMAN WITH AN ANKLE TATTOO

2014-03-20T23:05:00.000+00:00

Angela Raiola aka Big Ang seems to get uglier by the minute cause judging from the latest pics of her sunning her massive tits on the beach in Florida she's got even more scary. The big lipped and full chested Italian reality star is mainly known for getting drunk, sucking cock and saying outrageous shit...but this is of course why we love her. You've gotta love a legend even when they're cheap as fuck and sport tattoos above their pussies.

[Image via SPLASH]

THIS BIRD WAS BORN TO BE ON CORRIE...

2014-03-19T19:30:00.000+00:00

When you're born in Leeds you've never got much chance of being classy and good old Beverly Callard from Corrie is living proof of this. The rough Northern bitch was papped leaving her local pub in Manchester the other night and looked like an old slapper who loves cock to say the least. We heard that she glassed a younger girl in the face for trying to chat up her fella...allegedly. The tacky metallic dress, rank gold nails and campy pose are what this woman is known for and we doubt she'll ever change. You've gotta love a rough bit who tries though don't you?

[Image via REX]

PICKING UP THE PIECES...OF BROKEN MIRROR

2014-03-18T10:50:00.000+00:00

Holy shit balls peeps! Paloma Faith was looking fucking dog rough the other day whilst out on a run in Hyde Park and according to sources passers by were gagging cause bitch looked so fugly. Overall it's a bit annoying and he tunes are mediocre at best, but boy does the poor woman look like the back end of a bus without slap. The singer is known for her glam retro appearance and now we get why she cakes on so much shit.

[Image via GETTY]

WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU LOOK LIKE HONEY?

2014-03-17T16:15:00.000+00:00

Oh honey why have you still not bought a mirror? Lauren Goodger really doesn't understand just how fucking mucky and nasty she looks cause bitch turned up to some shitty product launch recently looking like a walking turd. The former TOWIE star seems to like resembling a diarrhea strain cause that tan just ain't going nowhere. All we wanna do it rip out the extensions, wipe all that muck off her face and stick her through a car wash.

[Image via REX]

MR GRAVITY EVEN HATES ON 60'S ICONS!

2014-03-07T21:30:00.000+00:00

Twiggy used to be known for her waif like figure and big eyed appearance, but fast forward 40 ish years and you can see that we do in fact live in a cruel world. The former model was seen running errands around London and although we know she's not 20 anymore the woman looked rough. At least brush your hair and lift the chin up when you know there's paps around.

[Image via GETTY/FLYNET]

SELFIES SHOULD DO YOU JUSTICE HONEY

2014-03-06T14:00:00.000+00:00

We're not sure if Nicki Minaj understood that when you take selfies you're supposed to look hot and not like some ghetto bitch who looks like she'd give you a black eye for the last seat on the subway. Anyway the Starships singer apparently thought she looked fuckable enough cause lady posted the above snap on her Instagram account sans make-up and to be honest she looked rough as shit. At least she ditched the wig and has taken a more natural approach, but in a way we can kinda see why she shovels on so much slap #justsaying.

[Image via INSTAGRAM]

HOW THE FUCK IS THIS WOMAN 60 YEARS OLD?

2014-03-05T18:25:00.000+00:00

Okay so we know that it's totally unfair to follow an Adele post with someone this hot, but y'all can't deny that Christie Brinkley is one smokin' hot bitch considering the woman is 60 years old! The supermodel was papped walking the pink carpet at an event for Barbie (she doesn't look THAT young) and lady was a force to be reckoned with. She flaunted her shit hot curves in a slinky Victoria Beckham number and we literally think she had the carpet sweating. Who in God's name is this woman's plastic surgeon?

[Image via GETTY]

MOTHERHOOD IS TREATING YOU WELL #LYING

2014-03-04T11:50:00.000+00:00

Oh honey why've you let yourself turn into such a mess? We know Adele shat out a baby in the last year or whatever but it looks like she's still eating for 2 judging by the snap above. The singer was papped walking round London sans baby and looked rather special if you catch our drift. Maybe she'd recently had some dental work done cause her lips looked a little dodgy to say the least. We're not sure what she does these days besides eat and spend her royalties (rich bitch), but we hope some new music is in the works.

[Image via VANTAGE]