The Skip-Raid

I'm taking a break from The Skip-Raid...just for a bit.

noreply@blogger.com (Admin) — Tue, 29 Oct 2013 05:10:00 +0000

It's not you, it's me. I haven't stopped writing about dumb stuff; I'm just doing it somewhere else now! If you still want to read my insane ramblings, click here. Don't worry, it's SFW (unless your work will fire you over hot sluts, not-the-one Abuelitas, hood rat stuff, or Kardashians).

Terrible sketch ideas

noreply@blogger.com (Admin) — Tue, 20 Aug 2013 23:47:00 +0000

I've been writing sketches.

They're not good.

Actually, change that. Some are okay. But most are a nightmare of bad ideas and difficult-to-process. Here are some of the sketches that haven't made it far enough to be adopted by a nice family.

- Two roommates, one is Jesus. The first roommate confronts Jesus about that stupid Footprints story, claiming that Jesus is only elabroating on a story where he took his dog for a walk on the beach and the dog got tired, so he carried it.

- A 4:20 conspiracy theorist who claims that 4:20 aka Weed Day (or Weed Hour) was only invented to distract us from 9/11. 4 times 2 is 8, which is 1 less than 9. Plus another 1 to represent a joint.

- President Cat. An American election is rocked by the news that ill-informed citizens vote a cat into office. The cat was put on the ballot as a joke by a senile Republican senator. The cat wears tiny suits.

- Freaks and Geeks and Riverdale. This is exactly as bad as you think it would be.

- Billboard Kings. Two douchebags who sell billboard real estate.

- Two real estate agents who's selling point comes from two things: they're fraternal twin brothers named Brad and Chad, and they have an inside scoop on which homes had violent murders committed in them. "We tell you what others try to hide, cause we're honest and we're twins!"

- A company that buys old cellphones just so they can read your pathetic text messages.

- Dads of Style. Like Sons of Anarchy, but with baby boomers on scooters.

- Shitty Tales of Horror: a show like The Twilight Zone that has real life scary, but mostly shitty, stories. Finding a roommate on Craigslist. Trying to buy a used bed from Goodwill. Being asked to watch a friend's terrible short film. Having to go poo in a public washroom at a crappy mall.

- Moliday, the Mom Holiday. A resort designed specifically for Moms. Everyday you wake up and are given dummies to dress and feed and "send to school". Then all the Moms join each other in the great room to watch Live with Kelly and Michael or The View. Once they're done, they can choose to either drive to the mall to buy shit from Yankee Candle or have coffee at Panera Bread. In the evening, there's a low-impact group Zumba class and everyone shares stories about their most successful child.

- Windchimes, a resort for late-in-life lesbians.

- A focus group of people testing out new neck-bandannas for dogs.

- A lady who keeps saying "I'm not too fussy about...". A lot of quick cuts of the lady saying things like "I'm not too fussy about the way she handed us our bill", "I'm not too fussy about the way that young man looked at me", "I'm not too fussy about having diarrhea on the plane".

- Air Buddies 6: Buddies Be Trippin! The gang of 5 retriever puppies find themselves in the middle of "the hood" with no way to get home. Their only hope is to make friends with a rag-tag group of strays. Yes, there is a chihuahua who keeps saying "Loco, man!" and he's voiced by Carlos Mencia.

- Special wedding ring. It has everything! Celtic knots, pieces of moon rock, a diamond from the Kate Hudson/Anne Hathaway classic Bride Wars, it's platinum and gold and nickle-free stainless steel, it plays Etta James "At Last", the inside is engraved with Lord of the Rings shit.

People Watching at Starbucks, Pt. 1

noreply@blogger.com (Admin) — Thu, 15 Aug 2013 03:33:00 +0000

I've taken to spending a lot of time at Starbucks. I feel like as long as I'm out of my apartment, I'm doing something productive. I'm not saying that what I'm doing at Starbucks is productive; as I type this, I'm listening to Weird Al and sipping on the remains of an iced green tea while I try to think of jokes. If I was at home, I'd be on hour 5 of a Netflix marathon, so really, you be the judge.

I see a lot of people at Starbucks. It's at a shitty corner of Sunset Blvd, so you can always expect some real garbage people. Speaking of crazies, I just whipped my head around frantically to look out the window because it got dark really quickly and it's only 7:56. I'm very confused. Isn't it supposed to stay light out till 10:00pm in Los Angeles? That can't be right. Anyways, here are the real looney-bins at Starbucks this evening.

There's a guy over near the bar where they give out the custom drinks and he's rooting through an open suitcase. It's a small black carry-on and he's looking at it like it's the first time he's opened it. Maybe it is? Maybe he stole it from the bus station. He's wearing over-stuffed cammo pants and about 12 black t-shirts. He just put another one on. Sealing up the suitcase now, and hiding it under the bar. You'd be almost sure he's homeless, except he's working on a better laptop than mine, which means he at least has half his shit together.

The guy beside me spent nearly 2 hours on the phone with either eBay or PayPal (I am still not entirely sure). He kept arguing that they wouldn't refund his money/wouldn't put through a purchase/something crackpot sounding. Over and over again he kept mentioning that his dad just died and his mom got sick, so he's come to Los Angeles to clear out her storage locker, and all the banks around here are Bank of America and he doesn't trust them. He also keeps claiming there's a glitch on the Amazon site. What? What's the glitch? He never specifies. Now he's playing online poker so loudly that another patron had to ask him to turn it down. As I write this, he's taking a Hooters commemorative pin off a paper backing and pinning it to his shirt.

There's a fairly normal looking guy sitting back towards the bathrooms playing cards and drinking out of a 2L jug of water. Oh, now he's standing up and getting ready to leave. Don't forget your jug!

There's an older man who is always at this Starbucks working away on a laptop. He also has a dog-eared copy of the dictionary on the table. He's constantly making eyes at slutty-looking girls who come in. Today he gave his card to a very slutty-looking gym rat. It had the worst logo I've ever seen. It was white with a black film reel and film cascading across the top. I guess he's supposed to be an agent or a talent scout? Oh my god, this city is depressing.

UPDATE: Hooters pin Amazon trouble phone call is now reading a magazine.

There is a very fancy business man. He's wearing a nice grey suit with a red tie and a white shirt and good leather shoes. He has nice glasses. His car is outside and it's a red, white, and grey Mini Cooper. Oh my god. He twinsies'ed with his own car. He got a ticket for parking too long and he whipped it off his car with such a flourish it looked like an Olympic event.

There is a big fat guy who's drank two trenta (you know, the mammoth size) caramel frappucinnos. Those are like 1200 calories each. I am afraid for him. I want to give him a hug and tell him that water sucks, but sometimes it's necessary.

There is a girl who looks exactly like Naya Rivera, but isn't. Hollywood sucks. You either look like yourself, or you look like someone famous. But no one wants to look like themselves here. Am I already Hollywood-jaded? I think I might be. BITCH I MIGHT BE. I've been in Starbucks too long.

There is an old man in a bucket hat who is here every single time I'm here. He's writing something on his laptop. I'd like to believe it's a novel, but in all likelihood it's just pages and pages of hjfdshajkdhfsjkfh.

UPDATE: Sleazy man is looking at me. Maybe he's looking to expand his stable of sluts by lowering the bar? I see you boo.

There is a table with two men, two women. The men are in their 40s, overweight, wearing chinos and golf shirts. They're talking about iPhones. One of the guys said "The iPhone is a beautiful device". What? Oh my god, who says that? Sitting with them are two women, late 20s/early 30s. Both wearing 4" heels, very tight tube dresses. They both look like tightly-packed sausages. The one girl is wearing black satin and it has tons of crummy silver studs on it. The other is wearing a white patterned dress with black mesh side panels. She's not wearing a bra, but she is wearing high-waisted Hanes underwear. It looks like the world's shittiest date. It's definitely the world's most depressing table at Starbucks.

Another table has an odd coupling. Older man, 50s. Salt and pepper beard. Grey golf shirt. Short, but also wide. He looks like he farts a lot during sex. His lady is slim, long pretty hair. Fashionably dressed. She's helping him on his laptop. They're filling out a gift card together. Again, not entirely sure what is going on here. I think they may be married. But it feels wrong. It feels like watching the backwards-stair-walking scene from The Exorcist.

A family just walked in and the dad is wearing a fanny pack. Good job dad; you're wearing the uniform that says "I am not from here". All you need is your wife to be trying to make heads or tails of a Hollywood Star Map. You're definitely not going to get robbed on La Brea.

There's a girl, no makeup, working off an ancient Macbook. Wearing an Earwolf t-shirt, cut-off jean shorts, a grey cardigan. She just finished listening to Whitney's "I'm Every Woman". She's been nursing the same drink for three-and-a-half hours. It's time for her to go home and tuck into some Netflix.

Introducing Summer 2013's Abusive Boyfriend Anthem: "Redneck Crazy" by Tyler Farr

noreply@blogger.com (Admin) — Thu, 15 Aug 2013 01:47:00 +0000

Your mind immediately cut to Chris Brown jumping in his car with a Louisville Slugger, headed for Tyler Farr's house, right? So the only reason we're taking about this garbage is because it was the most repeated song on my road trip across the US. In some parts of the country I'd only be able to get one or two clear radio stations: New Country or Republican Talk Radio. Since I'd rather blow my brains out all over the dashboard than listen to a 90-year-old Republican compare abortions to the Holocaust, I'd listen to New Country stations. Of course, since the radio gods really hate me, they'd make sure that any time I turned on the radio, I'd be catching the tail end of a Top 10 list. And who was always #1? Tyler Farr's classic-in-the-making, perfect for a slow-dance, country ballad "Redneck Crazy". Have you been looking for the perfect daddy-daughter dance for a Quinceanera? A beautiful ballad to eulogize your recently deceased mother? Look no further! Tyler Farr has written a song he should be truly proud of. Not only does it make him sound like a Jason-level psycho, but it also serves as a permanent reminder for all women in the future to never, ever engage in a relationship with Tyler Farr.

Is it really that bad? I don't know. You be the judge. Let's break down these lyrics, shall we?

Gonna drive like hell through your neighbourhood
Park this Silverado on your front lawn
Crank up a little Hank, sit on the hood and drink
I'm about to get my pissed off on

First off, I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that neither Tyler Farr nor his lady live right in the middle of Manhattan, so the neighborhood he's driving like hell through is probably a residential subdivision, and quite frankly that's unsafe. Have you ever tried to drive recklessly through a neighbourhood? I have, and it only lasts a few feet before you eat shit over a speed bump. Also, parking a truck on a front lawn? Something tells me this is not so much of a threat as it is just a local custom. Tyler Farr then jacks up the Hank (Hank who? Hank Hill? Hank Williams? Uncle Hank from Breaking Bad? Be specific, dum dum) which, again, stupid move. Have fun draining the battery in your truck while you treat your truck hood like a fucking picnic blanket and drink alone. But the best part is the line "I'm about to get my pissed off on". That sounds like emotional procrastination. I'm about to feel angry; right after another 4 episodes of Homeland, k?

I'm gonna aim my headlights into your bedroom windows
Throw empty beer cans at both of your shadows
I didn't come here to start a fight, but I'm up for anything tonight
You know you broke the wrong heart baby, and drove me redneck crazy

Jesus, does this guy's dad own a Chevy dealership? Clearly a dead battery is no worry for Tyler Farr. Just turn on the lights, crank up the radio, plug in a George Foreman grill, call for a tow when your truck won't start. All the while he's drinking so much he's able to throw multiple beer cans at her front window, which means he either came prepared with a bag full of cans, or he's slamming beers so fast that he's able to throw multiple cans before she gets up and calls the cops. Look, I'm not saying Tyler Farr isn't an intelligent guy, but something tells me he's no stranger to pounding beers at a rapid pace. I mean, the guy made the decision to drag race his truck through a family-filled neighborhood (I like to imagine he hit several of those plastic SLOW DOWN turtle signs on the way over).
Let's talk for a second about his claim that he didn't come to his lady's house to start a fight. Oh, fuck right off, Tyler. What a pussy. He's the type to antagonize a woman, but he's also the type who will throw beer cans at a dude and do loud burnouts in his truck on the front lawn and then get all "HE HIT ME! DID YOU SEE THAT??" when the guy comes out and knocks him on his ass.
So he's claiming she broke his heart. Oh my god, what a baby. If he was a teenager in the suburbs, he'd be cutting himself and crying along to The Cure. Although I will say this: I was cheated on once and I wanted revenge. I was also, like, 19-years-old and a girl, so really - Tyler Farr has the emotional control of a 19-year-old girl.

Wish I knew how long it's been going on
How long you've been getting some on the side
Nah, he can't amount to much by the look of that little truck
Well he wont be getting any sleep tonight

So it sounds like Tyler's lady has been fucking on the low for a while and he didn't catch on. Excuse me? Really? Well, look - if I've learned anything from Maury, it's that not-so-smart people take a while to pick up on things. Again, not insinuating that Tyler Farr is a dum dum or a fucking idiot. I would never. But the best insult he was able to come up with was that the guy has a small truck. So he's saying that big truck = big penis? Holy shit, Tyler Farr is that guy who buys a Ferrari because he's over-compensating. Forget the dick-joke for a second, Tyler Farr just pulled a rich-high-school-asshole by making fun of his car. Jesus Tyler, what's next? You're going to call him out for wearing knockoff Abercrombie? Then he wraps it all up with saying that guy won't be getting any sleep tonight. Wait, you just said you didn't come to fight. I'm confused.

Did you think I'd wish you both the best, endless love and happiness
You know that's just not the kind of man I am
I'm the kind that shows up at your house at 3am

Tyler Farr, king of the rhetorical questions! No one thinks you're going to wish them the best of luck, dummy. The only person who would react to an affair like that would be someone who suffered a severe brain injury. But I'm starting to think I know why his lady would cheat on him. She's got a controlling, hot-head boyfriend who may or may not be an alcoholic and who is a terribly irresponsible driver. He loves fighting and bragging about his truck. She's scared to leave him out-right because - DUH - he'd probably go Redneck Crazy on her ass and put her in the Redneck Hospital (aka Walmart walk-in clinic) so she hooks up with a nice guy who drives a sensible truck so that when her asshole boyfriend (Tyler Farr) finds out, she has a little bit of protection when he shows up at her house at 3am, drunk off his face, ready to fight.

I would really love to hear the girl's version of this song, or even the other guy. I feel like if it was the girl, the lyrics would be like:

Finally I'm safe in my home, got my dog and a sweet man
I'm blinded by highbeams shining through my bedroom window
Oh shit, it's my asshole boyfriend
I've told him sixteen times we're done, but he's too fucking stupid to process big words

Also, at some times, don't you feel like Tyler Farr is trying to write the male version of Carrie Underwood's "Before He Cheats"? Except it doesn't work, because getting revenge on a cheating man is very different from terrorizing a woman. Carrie Underwood: cheeky! Tyler Farr: somebody please call the women's shelter, you may need to free up a bed.

So there we have it! What does it say about middle America that this is their favourite song right now? "Yeah, play the one about the guy who gets drunk and goes to his girlfriend's house at 3am to kill her and her new boyfriend!" It's like someone wrote music and lyrics to the OJ Simpson/Nicole Brown saga. Not exactly heartwarming. But trust me, it's better to imagine that than to imagine that his girlfriend is Gretchen Wilson singing "Redneck Woman". Honestly, don't listen to that song; it will make you start to sympathise with Tyler Farr. NO! But really, don't listen to either song unless you really hate yourself.

A Primer on Energy Drinks, or Which Version of Satan's Piss is Best.

noreply@blogger.com (Admin) — Mon, 12 Aug 2013 00:16:00 +0000

I'm a grown baby. If you put me in a car, two things will happen: I will get carsick, and then I will fall asleep. It's something I assumed I would grow out of, but here I am - nearly 30 years old - rolling a paper lunch bag over a plastic grocery bag in preparation for a trip to my parent's house. That's the trick, really; you need both paper and plastic. Plastic for the obvious reason, you don't want the bag to leak. Paper because you want something with texture and structure to grip with your hands. Vomiting into a plastic bag is awful; I still remember doing so in the back of my parent's Buick station wagon after my mother has played Russian roulette and guessed which bag had the hole. Surprise! She's holding the one without a hole, and I'm in the back trying to move the vomit from one side of the bag to the other, making sure it doesn't spill. Ah, summer memories.

When I decided to drive across America this summer, I knew I needed to be more prepared than just having enough maps and sunscreen. Vomiting wouldn't be an issue: if I'm a passenger, I just need to make sure I don't read anything or sit in the back seat, and I actually don't get sick when I'm driving. The real challenge would be to not fall asleep. While driving. I know, I really hope there aren't any State Troopers reading this right now. I have an affliction I have self-diagnosed with called Highway Hypnotism. Essentially, the minute I hit a deserted long-stretch highway, my brain turns into one of those old timey black and white spinning wheels and then my eyes turn into those spinny things, and before I know it I've forgotten my name and I can't remember which state I'm in. It's not good! I feel like it's right up there with being totally drunk or texting an essay while driving.

There is only one known cure for Highway Hypnotism: getting totally jacked up. Since I am too poor for uppers, and I don't exactly want to get pulled over for being high out of my skull on methamphetamine, I get jacked on energy drinks. But what energy drink is best? What drink will get you through the mundane nothingness of Kansas or keep you alert enough to get you and your car through the Colorado rockies without crashing your car into a tractor-trailer? I decided to rate a few energy drinks (aka Liquid Legal Crack) for you so you can be prepared for your next long road trip!

NOTE: I did not review Red Bull because one time I drank so much Red Bull and vodka that I was barfing for days and I thought I saw a dragon, so I am not touching that stuff again. It's violent and not of this earth, especially when you chase a 6-pack with an expired Old El Paso taco pizza kit.

Day 1: Starbucks Refresher Energy (Strawberry Lemon)
This drink is nice, because it has the advantage of tasting good both cold and warm. Sometimes you leave a drink in the car while you make a Target run, and you come back to the car and want to finish your drink. This was my situation with the Strawberry Lemon Refresher. Great cold, not awful warm. As far as energy, this was decent. It kept me buzzed through the boring parts of Michigan (so...all of Michigan then? KIDDING). Taste-wise, this was great; it didn't taste like medicine and it didn't taste like syrup. Dare I say it? It actually tasted like strawberry lemonade. Well, if you put strawberries, lemons, aspirin, and whatever guarana is, into a juicer and then blended the juice with pure, uncut cane sugar.

Day 2: Starbucks Refresher Energy (Orange Melon)
I had such great success with the Starbucks Refresher Energy in Strawberry Lemon that I decided to try to make magic happen again with Orange Melon. Surely it would taste delicious and give me the energy I needed to not drive into oncoming traffic, right? WRONG. It was so gross I poured it out. I knew that if I didn't drink it, I'd be putting myself in jeopardy, so I slammed what I could and just dumped the rest. How can you fuck up orange? Oh, I know, by adding melon to it. WHY. There is no reason. No one likes melon; that's why it's always the last fruit on a fruit tray. I can't describe the taste well enough except to say that it felt like a joke flavour. Like Starbucks decided to release a drink similar to those gross Harry Potter Jelly Bellys where they taste like dirt and bugs and stuff. Starbucks was like "let's make one taste like citrus gasoline, just for fun!"

Day 3: Monster Java Coffee + Energy (Vanilla Light)
THIS SHIT IS MY JAM. It tastes like sweet coffee syrup. Nothing about this tastes like an energy drink. So naturally, I slammed it fast and it was like someone lit a match under my ass and I drove like fucking Speed Racer. Remember in Fast and the Furious how he hits the NOS button and the car drives through space and time? That was me, but in a Honda Fit. After about two hours, I crashed super hard and we had to switch drivers, because all of a sudden it felt like my heart was pumping cement through my chest and my one eye wouldn't stay open.

Day 4: Rockstar Recovery Energy + Hydration (Orange)
Pro: This tasted just like a refreshing Sunny D.
Con: It did nothing to wake me up. It did, however, make me laugh at a joke at a joke for 10 minutes. So yes, it makes you stoned.

Day 5.1: Illy Issimo Cappucinno
I decided to go old school and get a coffee drink with a buttload of espresso in it. Why not? I needed a control. How do the energy drinks compete with an unhealthy amount of coffee? The Illy Cappucinno, in theory, should have woken me up. It did nothing. It was like Italian tryptophan.

Day 5.2: Starbucks Double Shot (White Chocolate)
This, like the Monster Java, was delicious. No complaints. Drank it very very fast (like a kid at a birthday party who was just given a giant Orange soda and needed to drink it before their parents took it away). It kept me very alert, and alert is different from jacked. Alert is rested, focused, steady. Jacked is more like, well, jacked. It's like someone gave you a pill and went "you need to take this in a room without moveable furniture".

Drinks I wish I had tried:
I really wanted to see how the Mountain Dew Kickstart measured up to the Starbucks Refresher Energy, but after my terrible experience with the Orange Melon one, I was wary of orange flavoured things. Sure enough, I bought the Rockstar Recovery Energy in Orange, and it was delicious, but still. There's something very trashy about drinking Mountain Dew before noon. Wait, fuck noon, it's trashy to drink Mountain Dew at anytime.

I also wanted to compare original Monster with the Monster Java. Obviously anything coffee flavoured will be delicious, but I had a difficult time getting over the hump that is original Monster. It doesn't list a flavour on the outside, you can't really tell what it's going to taste like. The can just has a giant green M on it. I was really scared it would taste like Red Bull. A girl I know used to drink two Monsters every morning. That seemed very impressive to me, because she was actually really mellow. I feel like Monster no longer had any effect on her (spooky).

There's something to be said for the Monster/Rockstar/etc. that say "plus" or "extra" or "full throttle". I really wanted to try one, but I was scared I'd just end up pulling the car off the road and weeping. It seems that those are for real hardcore energy drink people. Or people who have seen things.

And, on a final note, NOS Energy Drink. I'm sure you've seen them - they look like nitrous canisters? I couldn't bring myself to buy one. They look like something a 14 year old would buy to look tough. I feel like they should be shrink-wrapped in a 2-pack with a bottle of AXE body spray. And I bet they tasted like piss.

Driving Across Murrica

noreply@blogger.com (Admin) — Thu, 08 Aug 2013 21:55:00 +0000

DAY 1
We crossed the border between Sarnia, Ontario and Port Huron, Michigan in the morning. Obviously the first thing I had to do was go to Cracker Barrel to eat some delicious old tyme trash. We drove a long way and managed to cross the Michigan/Indiana border before the night time. After driving in a car and seeing nothing for 5-7 hours, things get a little stale between yourself and your significant other. I suggest trying to engage your partner in a Will.i.am and Britney Spears sing-a-long. Sometimes it will not be well received (this was the case for myself) but maybe you might have a willing partner who wants to sing the "I wanna scream. And shout. And let it all out" part so you can do the "When we walk into the club. All eyes on us" weird british-accent Britney part. That night we stayed in a state park and turned the back of our car into a little camper. Now, I don't have a picture of this, but you can paint it yourself with your imagination: a Honda FIT and two 6-feet-tall adults sleeping in the back. Luxury! I only tossed and turned about 8000 times.
US STATE SHOWDOWN: Michigan vs. Indiana. Well, Michigan was boring as shit (save for all the exploded truck tires littering the highway. That was interesting), and Indiana reminded me a lot of Pawnee, so Indiana takes it. GOOD JOB, INDIANA!

DAY 2
We drove the next morning across the Illinois border. Illinois is nice. Land of Lincoln, right? We stopped at a truck stop and found an old Texan long-haul trucker with a mini Australian Shepherd. I was allowed to pet it and he told me he got lonely in the truck so he decided to get a co-pilot. His daughter convinced him to get a mini Australian and he named her Cheyenne. I DIED. She was so adorable and he loved her. When we were leaving, we saw him in the truck and she was in the passenger seat with her paws on the dashboard. UGH, I'M DYING JUST THINKING ABOUT IT. Then we drove to Missouri to stop in St. Louis. Time change! We're now an hour behind. I saw buildings for ITT Tech, Everest College, and University of Phoenix all in the same place. The future leaders of tomorrow can be found in St. Louis, apparently. I forgot that Nelly was from St. Louis till we were driving out and I saw his restaurant. I really missed an opportunity to do a city-wide Nelly/St. Lunatics tour. We had dinner at Sonic (America's Drive-in, apparently) and they were so slow, I felt like I needed to go inside and teach them about the concept of a sandwich (bread, meat, sauces, bread. Do it again. Get it right this time. No, cheese doesn't go on top of the bread). That night my boyfriend and I got into a fight over sleeping in the car vs. sleeping in a musty tent, so he got the tent and I got the car. Neither of us slept very well. I'll pretend that's Missouri's fault.
US STATE SHOWDOWN: Illinois vs. Missouri. Illinois relies a bit too heavily on the Lincoln shit, but he was the best President, so can you blame them? Missouri felt very banjo/inbred, plus that slow-ass Sonic is the clencher. Illinois is the better state. GOOD JOB, LAND OF LINCOLN.

DAY 3
I woke up that morning to the inbred screams of "THAT'S IT, WE'RE GOING HOME. CATHERINE'S BACK-TALKING ME ALREADY AND CALVIN'S IN THE DIRT. PUT AWAY THE TENTS, I'M DONE". Oh nice, our campsite was beside a redneck family! They had squeezed 3 kids, 3 dogs, a fat-ass mom, jerk redneck mom's new boyfriend (you know when you can just tell?) three tents, paddle boards and swimming shit, two dog pens, coolers for days, chairs, fireworks, cases of Mountain Dew, and 5 sleeping bags into a rusted-ass Dodge Caravan. The Beverly Hillbillies are looking at their car like "shit, I hope you got triple A, cause that car is a fucking mess". We packed up and moved on. The final straw was when I was getting changed and the mom (in a fucking stage whisper) goes "UGH. I can see her bra! This is a FAMILY CAMPGROUND". Oh, I'm sorry that me putting on a shirt insulted your delicate flower eyes. Is now a good time to mention that your kids look like they were born beside a nuke site, or shall I bring up that every time you get in your van you void the warranty (yes, even vans have a weight restriction). That afternoon we drove to Kansas City and took in a ball game. Baseball is fun, so no complaints about that. Kansas City Royals stadium has decent food, I'll say that. Here's the 'but'. The Royals stadium is built way out of town, like between the Suburbs and Mall Central. It's also off the highway. Like, on an off-ramp. And no matter where you sit, your view is of the freeway. Nothing else. Just cars buzzing by, people going to the mall, trucks chugging along the interstate. It's awful. It's like city planners were like "Okay, as you all know, the only lots we got approval for were the old abandoned haunted burial ground and the off-ramp from the interstate. Where do we put this ball diamond?"After that, we skipped across the border to Kansas.
US STATE SHOWDOWN: Missouri vs. Kansas. As I've explained before, Missouri is just awful. St. Louis isn't bad - I mean, they're trying. I saw a couple of rainbow flags and there is a great slavery museum (that sounded bad. It's actually an amazing museum dedicated to slavery, Lincoln, prolific slaves, etc. It should really be called the White People Are Terrible, Come See Some Proof That We Suck-museum, but that's too long.) However, the rest of Missouri is a sinkhole, so Kansas takes it. GOOD JOB, FIRST 3 MILES ACROSS THE BORDER KANSAS!

DAY 4
This was a tough day. We drove for 8 hours through Kansas and saw nothing. Remember two seconds ago where I said Kansas was a better state than Missouri? I WAS WRONG. If there was a pie graph of kansas, it would be divided equally between the following:
- Pro-life billboards
- Anti-evolution billboards
- People giving unsolicited advice about 'homaseckshulls'
- Farms
It was awful. The worst came when we were at a McDonalds and we were surrounded by tables of old men and ALL OF THEM were talking about 'homos'. One guy said that 'homosexuality is a hogwash sandwich' and that 'back when we were younger, they just kept to themselves. Now they gotta bring all that garbage into Washington and rub it in our faces'. It was my turn to then stage-whisper "I would argue with them, but I know they're all going to die soon and that's good enough". Seriously, fuck Kansas. It was a non-stop homophobic/anti-choice/sexist gangbang. Which, in a way, is super ironic; when most people think of Kansas they think of Judy Garland, Somewhere Over The Rainbow, and a soft-spoken Steel man. After driving through nothing but fields and windchimes for hours, we arrived in Colorado and stayed the night in Denver. Denver is awesome. We treated ourselves to a hotel and dinner and walked around the city. I know people make fun of Portland and Austin as being hipster-meccas, but seriously - watch out you two. Denver is coming for your ass. Denver is your Nomi Malone, coming to out-hipster you and take the throne.
US STATE SHOWDOWN: Kansas vs. Denver. Oh my god, do I even need to explain this one? I feel like anyone with half a brain in Kansas gets on the first bus they can flag down and rides it into Colorado. For being diverse, happy, clean, having bike lanes and recycling, not making me feel like a redneck was going to pull a shotgun on me because I didn't vote for Mitt Romney, Colorado takes it. GOOD JOB, STATE THAT ISN'T A HATE-FILLED BAG OF DICKS.

DAY 5
Before we left Colorado, we stopped at a Target and I found a nice dog to pet. I actually followed the owners from their cars and waited for them to tie her up outside. Then I pounced and showered her with love. I have a porblem. Moving on. Once you drive out of Denver and through the mountains, it instantly turns into the desert. It's really weird. All of a sudden you go from breathing cool crisp air to inhaling dust and scorpions. The instant you cross the border into Utah, you are bombarded with Mormon churches. We decided to camp in the desert that night. I was actually very cool. Our view was dust, tumbleweeds, sunset. Our neighbor was this old southwest cowboy who was fascinated that we were from Canada. He said he always wanted to go to Canada, but it looks like everyone is always protesting. Truth! We love protesting. I told him to go to Alberta where they don't put up with that shit and he'll feel right at home with all the rodeos and cattle drives and such. When we woke up, we discovered there was no shower at this campground and we were disgusted, because both of us were starting to smell like terrible humans.
US STATE SHOWDOWN: Colorado vs. Utah. Colorado wins simply because I like the snow-covered mountains more than the red-rock desert. That's all. Utah was very friendly, despite all the Mormons (actually, Mormons are the ones who keep to themselves and are fairly decent, right? I don't know). Colorado takes it. GOOD JOB, BRAH.

DAY 6
We took a detour that brought us to Salt Lake City. Both of us really wanted to see SLC just purely out of wanting to gawk at the Head Mormon Compound. Salt Lake City is very weird; on one hand, you have these hipsters who are trying very very hard to make this city cool, but on the other hand you have tons of Mormons making it safer than Disneyland on Military Appreciation Day. Two sides fighting so hard against eachother. But really, note to hipsters: Salt Lake City isn't cool. Stop trying to make it happen. Driving out of Salt Lake City takes you along the salt flats. What are salt flats? Google Utah Salt Flats. There, mystery solved. We walked on them and I tasted it to make sure it was really salt. It is! It's also weird because it feels like it should be cold like ice, but it's normal temperature. Utah borders Nevada, and the second you cross the border you're greeted by SO MANY CASINOS. We went to a grocery store and there was a casino in the grocery store. It was weird and sad and I did not like. We stayed in the Nevada desert/prairie and we got to see so many bunnies and prairie dogs up close. It was so cool. Our tent was on top of a warren.
US STATE SHOWDOWN: Utah vs. Nevada. Tough one. Based solely on the prairie dog sightings, I got to go with Nevada. GOOD JOB, ONE ARMED BANDITS!

DAY 7
We had to drive through Reno to get to California, so we thought it would be a good idea to go walk around Reno for a bit. THIS WAS A MISTAKE. Reno, Nevada, is so sad and weird and awful. There is a reason why RENO-911 was made. It's a constant sketch idea. Everything you see could be made into a scene starring Lt.Dangle. It's literally the Biggest Little Mistake of a City in America. We drove out of Reno, shell-shocked, and into California. We drove through the mountains and trees and it felt SO Northern California. It was breathtaking. Ew, that word is so gross. We visited the Donner Party memorial; there is a giant statue that shows how deep the snow was. Learning about that was facinating. I always just thought it was a group of people who got lost in the woods and one person snapped and ate everyone, but that's so far from the truth. Turns out it was a group of people looking to relocate and they get snowed by a fast-talking hustler who thinks he knows the way. They end up in a massive snowstorm on a trail they need to blaze themselves, they run out of food, everyone is going crazy because they were supposed to arrive in September and it's now November. People are passing out and dying because they're cold and working too hard and have no food. Finally a few people start eating corpses because it's the only thing that will keep them alive. A rescue group finds them and (I think) that rescue group also gets stranded with them. Another rescue group finds them and helps them to safety. The snow was like 20 feet deep. It's insane. We didn't sleep in that state park cause it gave me the creeps. The park we stayed in was so nice; we put up our tent against the lake.
US STATE SHOWDOWN: Nevada vs. California. Easy. California, especially northern California, is like something out of a movie. So cool. GOOD JOB, NOW TAKE THE 101 TO LA CIENEGA AND GET OUUUUUUT OF HEEEERE!!!!

DAY 8
It took us about an hour to drive to San Francisco, which is where our friends live. We stayed there for a week. San Francisco is very cold, you can't swim in the water, lots of rich people, very fancy and nice, has great food. I reccomend going.

DAY 8 PLUS A WEEK OR WHATEVER
We drive 6 hours to Los Angeles!

Okay, so I also saw a lot of animals on this trip (no, I'm not refering to the people of Reno). Here are the animals I saw:
- Rabbits
- Deer (2 walked right in front of my car at night time)
- Raccoons
- Big-horned Sheep
- Wild Turkey or a Road Buzzard. Still not sure what I saw.
- Pheasant
- Prairie Dogs
- Gopher
- Deer with stubby horns. Again, not sure what I saw.
- Bison
- Donkey
- Cows (duh, no biggie)
- Steers
- Horses
- And obviously dogs. Duh, dogs are everywhere. AMERICA'S MOST COMMON PET.

I'm baaaaaack, babies!

noreply@blogger.com (Admin) — Thu, 08 Aug 2013 20:08:00 +0000

Ooooh, dat feels good. My ass-groove in the couch that is Skip-raid is right as I left it. Now, where was I? Oh yeah, pimping out Mad Men reviews to you like you all had some kind of Mad Men weekly review addiction that prevented you from living a normal life. Well, I'm back to writing normal stuff (as IF my obsession with Pete Campbell last season was normal. I'm covered in my own side-eyes right now). Let me give you a quick summation of what the hell has been happening for me to drop you like a hot bag of trash (that's unfair - we're all just lukewarm bags of donation clothes).

- I moved to MURRRRRICA. WHIP OUT YOUR WAVING FLAGS AND SCREECHING EAGLES AND LOPSIDED BREAST IMPLANTS!!!! That's correct, I finally moved to the land of sweet nectar (Mountain Dew Kickstart), salty nuggets of truth (Chile Limon Doritos), and hot greasy pride (In-n-Out). It's only temporary though because I need to go back to Canada. I'm, how you say, not here legally, so eventually I will need to go back to Poutineville before La Migra catches my border-jumping ass and sends me back to Canada's version of Uncle Sam (Monsieur Jean? Oncle Samuel?)

- I'm here for acting/improv classes. HERE'S AN ALEVE EXTRA STRENGTH FOR YOUR EXTRA STRENGTH EYEROLL. I know, I never thought my life would take such a tragic turn, but here we are! Some of you (5 out of the 10 regulars) know that I do comedy stuff in Canada, but it was always a dream of mine to train with UCB (which, up until like 3 days before I left, my friend Abbey thought was University of California at Berkeley. Lols. I could barely get into University of Phoenix). But it's great and I'm learning to be a better clown and bring lols to the yard.

- I have a car now. BEEP BEEP I'M A MOTORIST. I've gotten fairly good at driving which, honest to god, was literally the only thing I used to be total garbage at. I could do most things with a modicum of skill, but driving was just like, hands in the air, "I give up". So I'm driving myself around and talking to myself like Morgan Freeman in Driving Miss Daisy (I also play the Miss Daisy part).

- Brief interjection: I'm writing this from a Starbucks at Sunset and La Brea (that sounded so The Californians. WHAAAAAAARYOO DOING HURRRR?) and there is a salesman on his phone right beside me to my left. He's dressed very niceley and he's got his laptop out and some notes. He's on his phone and he's conducting business meetings from Starbucks. Sorry, did I say business meetings? I meant cold calling people. But it's very clear we're in a Starbucks; you can hear the espresso grinder, they're fucking blasting the Norah Jones, there's a constant voice calling out drinks. Guy, no one believes you're in an office when your client on the other end needs to plug her one ear to hear over the sound of "GRANDE AMERICANO ONE PUMP VANILLA FOR KAITREESHA! VENTI GREEN TEA LATTE HALF WHIP ONE SWEETENER FOR CARL!" Also, the Norah Jones just switched to Lady Antebellum or some shit and one of the employees just came to our area and yelled "SIR YOU NEED A KEY FOR THE MENSROOM". I'm dying.

- How did I get to California? I drove. Yes, I drove from Canada to California. I'm a car commercial. We played innofensive indie pop the whole way too and most of the trip I had my arm out the window doing that arm-surfing-a-wave-of-wind-in-slow-motion thing. NO! But I did drive with my boyfriend and we camped the whole way here. I will be writing about that in another post. Why? Because you get a lot of material when you spend a day in the shithole that is Kansas state (NOT EVEN SORRY).

So that's that! Expect me to short-out the servers at Blogger because I'm about to be posting more than I ever have.

More Mad Men!

noreply@blogger.com (Admin) — Wed, 01 May 2013 14:12:00 +0000

It's that time again! I've written another Mad Men recap of this week's episode "The Flood". You can read it here! Fun fact - my sister told me that the last time I linked to a Villain article, I put the wrong web address in, and it took people to a Toronto restaurant called Thai Princess. Look, maybe it was a careless mistake. But maybe it was completely intentional. Can you blame me? Thai Princess has been serving the greater metropolitan Toronto area for nearly 20 years now with its delightful combination of fresh ingredients and quality service. Thai-it today! You can Thai to resist it, but you won't last long! Thai as you might, you'll never find a finer-tasting Thai! I'm Thai-ing really hard to think of more Thai puns, but it's not happening. And no, I won't resort to Bangkok lady-boy jokes! I'm too classy and demure.

noreply@blogger.com (Admin) — Thu, 18 Apr 2013 18:21:00 +0000

It's back! Time for me to hustle another Villain Mad Men review! Even if you don't watch Mad Men, you're sure to find it...at least marginally entertaining.

Mad Men recaps - now at Villain.com!

noreply@blogger.com (Admin) — Wed, 10 Apr 2013 21:26:00 +0000

I'm throwing myself back into writing episodic television recaps and instead of beautiful glamorous trash like ANTM or Drag Race or Housewives, I'm doing highbrow television Emmy bait, but in the least highbrow classy way possible. Look, if I can give you any indication of how I'm still the same ol' me you have grown to love, it's that I mention The Hammaconda in the very first sentence. Even if you don't watch AMC's Mad Men, I think you'll still like reading my episode reviews. Read the first one here!

I'm back! For a bit...

noreply@blogger.com (Admin) — Mon, 25 Feb 2013 18:27:00 +0000

Hey you guys! I know that the last time I was here was in August (can you EVEN believe it?!? Yes, you can, because I am lay-zay) but I'm back, temporarily. I know I let The Skip-Raid slow a bit, but it's only because I got mondo-busy and needed to put something on the back burner to simmer away until all the pieces stick to the bottom and the kitchen smells like burnt rice. And here we are! Regardless, here is some stuff you can get into while I get back into it.

I recently wrote a piece for Villain about the Oscars, or rather what I thought I knew about the Oscars. All-in-all, it's nothing more than a platform for me to express how much I despise Anne Hathaway. You'll enjoy it, I promise.

I've been recording a live show called Pitchcast at Toronto's Comedy Bar. If you can't make it to Toronto (which, really, why would you?) you can download it in the iTunes store. It's called Pitchcast with Paul Beer and Richard Sibblies. It's a lot of fun and you might learn a thing or two about film! Just kidding, it's rude and there's lots of yelling and we all get very competitive. But it's fun! Guh'ead, download till your little heart's content.

And, when in doubt, if you need Tumblr gifs in your life, make your way over to my Tumblr which is updated a lot and usually has pretty funny things.

See you real soon!

Do you want a short comic book?

noreply@blogger.com (Admin) — Mon, 20 Aug 2012 16:04:00 +0000

Hey guys.
I kind of dropped off for a while. It was only this morning when I realized that I hadn't written anything since July 12.

That's more than a month. I don't know if we can call that laziness or busy-ness (I almost typed it as business. DERP) but I will say this; it's time to write more.

Here is what's been going on in my life:

1. I finished an 8-page comic book. It's all short comics and dumb jokes and stuff, but it's pretty cute. If you'd like one, email skipraid@gmail.com and I'll send you one, for free!

1a. I've been trying to draw more. Not really for anything, just for my own good. Here is my personal tumblr with all my drawings.
http://allisondavey.tumblr.com/

1b. Now you know my real name. As my sister said "Who the fuck cares? You think Sarah Silverman had a stage name with her jokes?" No, but isn't it fun to imagine what her stage name would have been?!

2. One of the reasons I've been so busy (business) has been because I work part-time at a nail art shop. It's called Pinky's, and if you're ever in Toronto, you need to come by. We do really awesome nail art; none of that crappy paint-flick nail art from $10 manicure places.

3. I'm growing Monarch Butterflies again this year. So far I have two caterpillars that hatched on August 17th in the evening and they're super tiny and super cute. This is one of the two (I don't have a picture of its twin, because they were hiding):

So this guy will grow up to be a butterfly that will fly down to Mexico for SPRING BREAK!!! WOO! BEADS!!! SHOTS!!!

Not much else is new. When I can think of something, I'll write it. Peace.

I haven't forgot about you, boos.

noreply@blogger.com (Admin) — Mon, 25 Jun 2012 21:59:00 +0000

Like Larry Burns, it appears I've put a GONE DRINKIN sign on my chair (my chair being The Skip-Raid) because I haven't written anything for you in nearly 2 months. I get it! I'm lazy. That's not actually true; it's just that I have a few other stupid projects in the works and I've been dedicating time to them. Remember: stupid babies need the most love.

Regardless, I'll be back soon. I just need to think of something funny to actually write.

See you in the car,
~~Milhouse~~ The Mayor

What ever happened to?...2GE+HER edition!

noreply@blogger.com (Admin) — Wed, 02 May 2012 21:05:00 +0000

When talking about the MTV made for TV fake boy band 2Ge+her (pronounced Together) I feel like there are two types of people:
A) those who have never heard of 2Ge+her, and even after a rigorous Googling, still don't recognize any of it, and B) those who FUCKING OBSESSED WITH 2GE+HER.
I was obviously in the latter category. When MTV (in Canada, MuchMusic) first aired the made for TV movie (which was a thinly veiled copy of NSYNC and the Backstreet Boys) I knew I was going to love it. First off, it was a satire; it lampooned everything that made boy bands great and/or stupid. It was incredibly tongue-in-cheek. It was self-referential and completely under-rated. The acting was wooden (on purpose), the story was ridiculous. But if you've never seen 2ge+her, the movie or the TV show (thank GOD they made an episodic TV show) you need to understand that they also recorded incredibly spot-on boy band songs. They were like the Weird Al of 1999 shitty boy band pop. I actually downloaded every song released and listened to them without embarrassment (and I fucking hated NSYNC, Backstreet Boys, O-Town, 98 Degrees, et al).

Sadly, most people didn't get the joke and it was canceled after two seasons. Oh, also because one of the main characters died in real life and it was difficult to replace him. But more on that later! Before you read any further, you should familiarize yourself with 2ge+her's biggest hit, U + Me = Us (Calculus). I played this song till the wheels fell off, let me tell you.

When you get a chance, go to YouTube and listen to the following:
- Say It (Don't Spray It)
- The Hardest Part of Breaking Up (Is Getting Back Your Stuff)
The thing I really wish the most is that MTV would release the movie and both seasons on DVD, but I doubt that will happen; the fan base might be a bit too small. Besides, we're still waiting for Breaker High on DVD, am I right??
UPDATE: Apparently the remaining four got the green-light from MTV to film a Where Are They Now/Behind the Music mockumentary. I CANNOT WAIT.

Alright, let's see what the boys of 2ge+her are up to now!

Jason "Q.T." McKnight - The Cute One
(Played by Michael Cuccione)
Q.T. was the baby of the group, a joke that was exaggerated so much, you were almost sure he was about 13-years-old. Just for fun, Google Jason "Q. T." McKnight and tell me that's not just an Italian-looking Justin Bieber. Q. T. was the Nick Carter, minus the meth addiction and subsequent meth-face.
What are they doing now?
I cannot make jokes, because this is super sad. MTV was on the fence about a third season, but Michael Cuccione died before a decision could be reached. Everyone decided 2ge+her couldn't continue without him (because really - how do you work around Q. T. dying? THAT'S TOO DEEP). Michael Cuccione died from Hodgkin's lymphoma and he was only 16, so he's up in Heaven now, macking on all the sexy lady angels. WHAT? Exactly. Fun Fact: David Hasselhoff flew to British Columbia to attend his funeral. Awww.

Jerry O'Keefe - The Heartthrob
(Played by Evan Farmer)
I suppose that if 2ge+her had a straight man, it was Jerry. Jerry got some good lines in, but for the most part, the writers just let him react to people. Jerry was the Brian Littrell, the Justin Timberlake, and to a lesser extent, the Nick Lachey.
What are they doing now?
I feel like Evan Farmer should have a much better career, but you take what you can get, you know? You probably recognized him in Austin Powers in Goldmember as a young Number Two. Right? He was decent!

Better than the guy who played young Dr. Evil. His face looked like a weird penis. Anyways, after his acting career didn't explode like it should have, he focused on being a TV host (or "presenter" as British people say). Did you ever watch While You Were Out? I did. He hosted it for four years. After that, he moved on to CMT to host the CMT Top 20 Countdown. Not too shabby.

He still looks good! Not bad for someone who's turning 40 this year. Fun Fact: he's a licensed pilot and in 2008 he built his own single-engine plane and flew it cross-country. Excuse me???

Chad Linus - The Shy One
(Played by Noah Bastian)
Chad
What are they doing now?
Noah Bastian's IMDB isn't exactly bursting at the seams with work. His last job was in 2008 on a movie called - wait for it - The Adventures of Food Boy. It stars some nobody kid from High School Musical who isn't Zach Efron. If you want to watch the shittiest trailer I've seen in a long time, click here, but be warned - it is just awful. But this isn't about The Adventures of Food Boy (his superpower, by the by, is to make food appear in his hand. That's all. Good luck stopping a nuclear weapons expert with toast). Moving on. This is what 32-year-old Chad Linus looks like now:

Not...so good. Ugh, I feel like an asshole critiquing a total stranger, but...this is the internet, you must be new here. I think I liked him better with the Sun-In. I did some digging and found a Twitter account that hasn't been updated nearly as much as it should be (come on buddy, you're unemployed. You should be working Twitter like the rent it due tomorrow). I also found a personal webpage that looks like some Geocities bullshit from 2001. Upgrade Noah - get a Wordpress account!

Mickey Parke - The Bad Boy
(Played by Alex Solowitz)
I honestly cannot name any 'bad boys' in boy bands. They all seem really harmless. Maybe, I don't know, A.J. from the Backstreet Boys? Was he bad? He was an alcoholic, right? Ugh, I cannot even be bothered to look that up. Regardless, Mickey was my favourite character. I cannot recall, but I think there was a storyline where he shot someone? That can't be right. One of my favourite quotes:
"Mickey Parke has one ho and one ho only, and that's Mickey Parke."

What are they doing now?
Raise your hand if you thought Alex Solowitz was going to be as successful as he is? Go look at his IMBD; the guy is working steady. I mean, he's not in any Emmy-winning shit, but that's not the point. A dollar is a dollar. And yes, I just followed him on Twitter.

I love that this is his picture on Wikipedia. It looks like 80% of the pictures you see on PlentyOfFish.com - "Pay no attention to the lady beside me. She's not my ex-girlfriend or anything!" Fun Fact: he did voice work in the amazing video game L.A. Noire.

And I could NEVER make fun of him as much as I ragged on Noah Bastian, because he gave me one of my favourite scenes from Ghost World. "Do you serve any beer or alcohol?"

Doug Linus - The Older Brother
(Played by Kevin Farley)
Without question, Doug Linus was a parody of NSYNC's Joey Fatone. He was fat, losing his hair, "The Funny One", and way too old to be crushed on by 15-year-old girls. I loved his character. He was so out of shape that when there was a dance number, I would be drawn to watching him in the background. Every move was so half-assed, it was incredibly funny. I think that Doug was my favourite character (second only, if ever, to Mickey). Fun Fact: It's Chris Farley's younger brother!
What are they doing now?
Kevin Farley is one of those guys who will always get work, so regardless of whether or not 2ge+her was canceled, he had nothing to worry about. Obviously he'll never eclipse his brother, but he's doing a good job of making his own career and not just sponging off his last name (yes, I'm speaking about you, Jim Belushi).

My only wish is that he'd stop accepting everything his agent gives him. I mean, come on Kevin - you were able to get roles on Curb Your Enthusiasm and The United States of Tara. You don't need to take every Seltzer/Friedberg parody movie that comes out. Update: Never mind, I spoke too soon. Looks like he's shooting a mini-series with Rob Lowe and Bill Paxton about the Civil War in 2013. Okay buddy, looks like you took my advice. Send me a muffin basket.

After doing these "What Ever Happened To..." posts, I've added a new part at the end. It's not bad enough that I've publicly shamed those who's success has never been matched, but now I'm going to rate their failure. I'm calling it:

HIGH SCHOOL REUNION TROPHY TIME

The award for most successful goes to... this one's obvious - Kevin Farley. While he may not have A-list name recognition, you know who he is the second you see him cameo in something. Plus, he's filling the funny fat old guy acting ditch in Hollywood. Like I mentioned before, if Kevin Farley moved away from the type of easy roles he gets (aka anything on the Disney channel, Air Bud films) and took really good HBO comedies, I could see him being nominated for an Emmy. No really, I'm not being sarcastic! He'd be really good on Breaking Bad or something.

The award for 'best hustle' goes to... Alex Solowitz. I mean, the guy isn't broke, but he hasn't exactly been on the cover of Us Weekly either. I feel like he's due for a break. Get him on a CSI or an NCIS as a recurring character and I think he'd work his ass off. You can tell the guy is trying; I doubt he's sitting on all that juicy 2ge+her money in his Santa Monica beach house. He's got the opposite problem of Kevin Farley; Alex Solowitz needs to take any and all auditions/roles he's given. Get your face back out there buddy! Surely someone needs to cast the part of "Dickhead Jock #2".

The "Best Career Advice" award goes to... definitely Evan Farmer. I don't know who's Jedi he was a Padewan to, but he needs to send them a nice bottle of wine every Christmas. It's like Evan Farmer knew that handsome dark-haireds are a dime a dozen in Hollywood, so he picked up his family and moved to Nashville. Big Fish! Small Pond! Good Move!

The award for most likely to use the pick-up line "Yes, I was on that MTV show from more than a decade ago" at a bar goes to... Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome to the stage Noaaaaaaahhhhh Bastiaaaaan!!! Oh, I'm sorry...you think I'm being unfair? Let's just let this picture do the talking for me:

Seriously. This would be like if you were in your High School's production of The Pirates of Penzance and your Twitter was like "im steve h aka major-general stanley, boii". Yeah, exactly. It would be FUCKING LAME. Noah, it's time for you to realize that your face is fucking weird, you can't really act, and you need to go back to college or something and become an accountant. You can't keep telling rich girls in the bar that you were Chad Linus in order to mooch drinks. Unless that's working for you, in which case, Mazel Tov, you gold-digging man-whore!

I was on a juice cleanse! It was terrific! Sorry, did I say terrific? I meant bullshit.

noreply@blogger.com (Admin) — Tue, 03 Apr 2012 19:11:00 +0000

After reading what felt like a million posts on xojane about juice cleanses, my friend Lj and I decided to go on a 3-day juice cleanse. Aw, fuck it, let's be honest - it's a juice fast. The only food you eat are your fingernails after you've nervously chewed them all off from starvation anxiety. So people can call it a detox or a cleanse or a refresh, but it's essentially liquid starvation. Here's how it works:

- For 3 days, all you eat and drink is juice. No food. Just juice.
- You get to drink 6 water-bottle sized juices per day.
- Everything you eat needs to fit in the juicer (except for things like bananas that go in the blender)
- You drink 5 types of juice: Green (kale, spinach, apples, kiwi, banana), pineapple-apple-mint, beet-carrot-apple, lemonade (lemons, cayenne pepper, maple syrup, water. This sounds familiar to you? That's because it's the stupid liquid diet Beyonce went on to lose weight for Dreamgirls. I know, I'm rolling my eyes too, don't worry) and cashew milk.
- Let me explain cashew milk to you for a second. First, you need to soak raw cashews in water for 2 hours till they're flaccid. Then you put them in a blender with water and grind them up till it looks like dog food. Then you blend in a banana. When you're done, it should look like fake vomit from You Can't Do That On Television.
- If you want to cheat, you can eat a fruit. One fruit. MAKE IT A GOOD ONE.

So my friend and I bought tons of produce and fruits and juiced for like 3 hours. We bottled everything in the same-size water bottle and got really excited for the prospect of looking like 90-lb models. I was very excited. Juicing is fun! My skin will be so radiant!! I will have energy to burn!

The Night Before
I went home and put all my juice into the fridge and watched it for about 3 minutes. I just sat there, crouched down, looking at it. I wasn't sure what I was expecting; I know that it wasn't going to start talking to me. But I suppose I just wanted to make sure I was serious about it. It finally dawned on me that I wasn't going to chew anything for the next 3 days, and that all the food in my fridge was going to spoil, so I ate all the cheese in my fridge. I sat on my couch eating slice after slice of havarti while watching Metropia.

Day 1, Morning
I had a dental appointment at 8am, so I had to wait forever for my first juice. By the time I cracked my first juice, the taste of orange fluoride on my teeth was so vile that a water bottle of gasoline would have tasted delicious. I drank the green juice really quickly (because it was delicious) and I felt pretty full. It wasn't the worst. I followed it up with a bottle of water, then peed twice.

Day 1, Lunchtime
I thought this would be difficult, since I work in an office and everyone makes their lunch right near my desk, but it was fine. I think I was satiated by my smug sense of health. "Oh, just so you know, I'm only drinking fruits and vegetables, so have fun on your white-bread-and-pasta death bed." Trust me, this lasts all of 3 hours. I think this might just be a symptom of exhaustion, because I was FUCKING TIRED. I was so sleepy, that I had to be careful of blinking, so as to not keep my eyes closed for too long.

Day 1, Afternoon
Around 3:00pm I start to get a crazy headache. Like, migraine crazy. All I wanted to do was take a nap on someone's couch or under my desk or on the toilet. It was NUTS. It didn't help that I was super exhausted and barely able to focus. I felt like I wanted to fight someone.

Day 1, Evening
After work I walked home while drinking the cashew milk. It was so unbelievable. I cannot describe to you how gross it was. It was like drinking almond butter. A cup and a half of almond butter. It was so thick, it felt like I was swallowing vomit. It tasted sort of like vomit, so this wasn't helpful at all. The whole time I was walking home I was freezing. The minute I got home, I crawled into bed and watched Little House on the Prairie. I went to sleep at 10:30pm.

Day 1 Verdict: I feel like I have a really bad cold and my body is shutting down. My skin looks terrible and my head is killing me.

Day 2, Morning
I woke up at 8am, unbelievably tired. There is no reason why I should have been so sleepy; I slept like a baby. Oh, maybe because my body is starving itself? YES.
I got to work and treated myself to a green juice that looked like sludge and tasted like kiwi skin (which...major truth...wasn't the worst).

Day 2, Lunchtime
Oh boy, what I wouldn't do for lasagna. My desire for lasagna is second only for my desire for a nap. I'm super tired. Oh, and the juices are already boring me. I eat an apple and give people an indignant SO WHAT face.

Day 2, Afternoon
I've cheated again, this time with a whole wheat cracker. DEAL WITH IT. It tasted so good. It instantly made me feel calm (I think I have food issues). Regardless, my legs didn't feel like feathers anymore.
UPDATE: I had another. It was delicious.

Day 2 Verdict: I don't feel as much like shit as I did yesterday, but I do have a headache that wont go away. My skin still looks weird, but my stomach isn't as bloated as it usually is, so...that's good? Also someone told me my face looks thinner. THINNNNERRR!!!!

Day 3, Morning
Last night I juiced the rest of my fruits and veggies, but mixed up the order and recipes. Gone was the cashew slop. Goodbye too-sweet beet juice. Hello apple juice and pineapple juice and one I like to call "Mixed Bag". I drank a bunch of apple juices in the morning and it made me feel great!

Day 3, Lunchtime
Guess who's unable to focus on their computer monitor? Oh, I dunno, maybe Ray Charles over here. I had two crackers to get me through a pressing set of emails, then washed them down with a pineapple juice. My vision was restored! Hurray! My blood sugar, on the other hand....

Day 3, Afternoon
You know when you're able to smell your own breath? Like you get secret whiffs of it here and there and you're like "whoah, that's definitely from me"? I did that today twice but couldn't put my finger on what my breath smelled like. Then it hit me: OLD PEOPLE BREATH.

Day 3 Verdict: This day was alright since I threw caution to the wind and made my own schedule, which was: Drink a juice when you're thirsty, pray for the sweet hand of death when you're done. My hands were really clammy today and a friend told me they felt like what he'd imagine Stephen Hawking's hands felt like. So you're saying I feel like a genius, eh?

OVERALL VERDICT
This juice cleanse was one of the dumbest things I've ever done. Whenever people say that juicing gives them energy or their skin is luminous like the moon and stars or that juicing makes them feel spiritual and one with god or allah or Hanukkah Harry or whatever is a total bullshit liar. They were probably healthy to begin with. But for someone like me (who, no less than 10 minutes ago Tweeted Taco Bell Canada to ask when we're getting Dorito-shell tacos) juicing is a pain in the ass and a total shock to the system. What, if anything, did I learn from this? Well, two things:
1. I need more vegetables in my diet, if for nothing more than interesting-coloured poo.
2. I love shitty food. DEAL WITH IT.

Look, we're all going to die. I know, your precious little heart can barely take it. But you need to realize that you will die. And soon. And it's not going to be pretty. Whether you treated your body like a temple or gang-banged McDonalds every day, you're going to end up the same. Dead. Oh sure, McDonalds might put you in the grave a little earlier; then again, you might be a vegan who didn't install your carbon monoxide detector properly and die at 46. The point is, you don't know how long you're going to live. There's no sense in worrying if your ass is getting fatter or your hair is thinning. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a very cold Diet Coke waiting for me in the fridge that I must drink.

Katy Perry Part of Me music video: If GI Jane was made for dum-dums

noreply@blogger.com (Admin) — Fri, 23 Mar 2012 19:52:00 +0000

*This post is dedicated to my best friend Lj who continues to defend and love Katy Perry, despite tons of evidence that Katy Perry is completely ridiculous.

Recently I dedicated 3 minutes to my life watching Katy Perry murder Jay-Z and Kanye's N****s in Paris. Scratch that. I watched her kidnap, chloroform, torture, assault, murder, and dump the body of N****s in Paris in an isolated creek. Every second was just a total nightmare; I don't think anyone anywhere was sitting around lamenting the fact that they hadn't heard N****s in Paris sung-rapped by a privileged Christian white girl. "Why God WHY hasn't Katy Perry fumbled her way through one of 2011's best raps! Why?! Why hasn't she replaced every N-word with Ninjas and S-word with Ish? MY LIFE ISN'T COMPLETE!!" - said no one. Regardless, I watched that train wreck twice and hated myself for every minute of it. Katy Perry covering Jay-Z and Kanye is the KFC Famous Bowl of music.

I can't say I'm totally biased; I love Katy Perry for what she's done in the world of nail art. Ask any one who's really into nails and they'll tell you she was one of the originals at the helm of the recent nail art revolution. I know, it's sad that we live in a world where that's a thing. Our Grandparents fought Nazis on the shores of France so we could have nails with $50 plastic gemstones on them. Then again, we also live in a world where I still wildly speculate that Beyonce wasn't ever really pregnant and the whole thing was a show, so really - let's all weep together. What's I'm trying to get at is, I don't think that Katy Perry is a total piece of garbage. I mean, she's not a bag of snakes. She's barely in the same cesspool as a Real Housewife. So my bff messages me going "OMG Katy Perry's new video - SO STUPID" and I was like, obviously I need to watch this. And I did. And it's SO DUMB, people. So I broke it down shot by shot. I figured that posting screen-grabs was better than actually listening to the song because, as we all know, the only people who can truly appreciate Katy Perry's music are the Deaf (and maybe people who have recently suffered severe brain injuries).

Katy Perry's Part of Me (aka my agent thought now would be a great time for me to release a shitty song about revenge and 'girl power' and being stronger and shit because I totally just got divorced and FUCK YOU, RUSSEL BRAND, I'm totally over you and not bitter about our sham marriage falling apart).

We open with Katy Perry playing TOTALLY NOT KATY PERRY because, for real you guys, she's dressed like some mid-western small town-hick, which means she's JUST LIKE YOU!! She's sitting in her 'shitty' car looking at something in the way a monkey looks at a tick.

And in this case, the tick is a locket. Talk about 'Every kiss begins with WTF?' Does any one in the history of ever wear lockets like this anymore? I feel like the only reason they're even made is for exposition purposes in crappy music videos. "I'm forlornly looking at a locket, which means someone is either cheating or dead".

Uh oh! Not dead! The shithead in the locket is RIGHT INSIDE THAT OFFICE!! Ooh, look at Pissed Katy Perry charge in there. That cropped jean jacket means business.

Well if it isn't Millimeter Peter. HA HA HA HA KATY PERRY YOU ARE SO CLEVER!!! Forget the fact that no one EVER would have a sign up in their office like that. Millimeter Peter isn't a nickname, despite how many throws through Microsoft Word Art. Katy Perry - so good at dick jokes now. OMG YOU ARE SO EDGY!!!

Holy shit, I hope that wig is insured because Katy Perry is acting it off the rails! Do we give out Oscars for music video acting? Because Katy Perry should get ALL OF THEM, EVER. She is a serious actress, you guys. Look at that point. And those eyes! Eyes that scream "REMEMBER HOW I WAS IN THE SMURFS?!?"

Today's performance of Millimeter Peter will be played by...FourFour.com's Rich Juzwiak?

Holy shit, Katy Perry SLAMS the locket down on his desk in a defiant move that says "you are SO out of my life!" The only thing left for me to do is pretend to rage drive!"

"OH YEAH, RAGE DRIVING!!!" Also, I don't advocate actually watching this piece of shit video because, doye, it will leave you with barely two brain cells left to rub together, but you NEED to watch it for the part where Katy Perry rage drives. The car is CLEARLY on a trailer being driven down a street, but her hands are jerking the steering wheel back and forth, like how little kids do on those toy steering wheels. The only thing missing is Katy Perry making vroom vroom noises and begging for a ziploc of Goldfish crackers.

Katy ends up at - god knows where - I don't give a shit. A convenience store I suppose. IT DOESN'T MATTER. Nothing in this steaming pile of cat turds matters. But she sees a bulletin board with a bumper sticker (a bumper sticker???) for the Marines. The best are all the fake ads around it. My personal favourite is in the bottom left, the green crumpled piece of paper that say HANDYMEN. Or Indymen? Or Andymeu? and then 7 numbers. "Hey, are you looking for a Handyman on a cork board at the Circle K? Call me! I'm HANDYMEN! 1-310-821! I can fix anything!"

With acting skills like these, I think we've found the perfect Emmy for a 2012 Mannequin reboot.

In one of the video's most confusing scenes, Katy Perry knowingly looks at a Marines bumper sticker (that has like, no information on it), runs to her car, hauls out a duffel bag from her trunk (like, really hauls out. She looked like a fucking garbage man) and sets up in the gas station bathroom. I'll let that sink in for a second. Someone who looks like that is living out of her car (???) and thinks nothing of hanging out in a gas station. Look, it's already been established this is during the day, during a work week, and Katy Perry is just chilling like a villain at the 7-11. Katy Perry is either a murderous criminal drifter, or just a lazy, jobless sack of shit.

Easily the best scene is when Katy Perry cuts off her wig. It's so melodramatic and terrible, I watched it twice (I missed a lot of stuff the first time because I was laughing too hard). This scene was some Extreme Makeover: Talentless Moron Edition fuckery.

After she cuts off her hair (WHY) she wraps down her chichis with some old mummy costume from Halloween. There is literally no reason why she would need to bind her boobs. This isn't 1968; you don't need to Victor/Victoria your ass to get into the service. Also, where did she get all these supplies from?? Katy Perry's carrying around some broke-ass poor-man's Mary poppins carpet bag that contains scissors and bandages and...

Eminem's hoodie from 8 Mile. It's so weird, because the whole time I'm like "you can cut your hair and tape down your boobs all you want, Katy Perry, but I still don't think you're taking this decision to join the Marines seriously" and then she throws up that hood and I'm like "OMG I WAS SO WRONG"

It's a good thing you cut off all your hair, because it's not like you couldn't have just pulled it back like EVERYONE ELSE. Doesn't she look like 'Riding the Bus with My Sister'? Her face in this shot is priceless; she's so DURRRRRRR. Katy, learn from Simple Jack - everyone know you don't go full...you know.

There's an extensive montage of Katy Perry going all GI Jane on us. This is seriously the face of a person who has never held a gun in their life. She makes the least convincing marine. Who the hell was the on-set weapons trainer for this shoot? The guy who trained Jessica Simpson in Major Movie Star?

My nightmares now have a new gif, and that is Katy Perry climbing down a ladder like a spider monkey.

My question is this: did they pad her midsection in this video, because she looks like she's wearing one of Beyonce's spare fat suits. When did Katy Perry have that much gut? That's a husky woman. Oh shit, I think I got it! They superimposed her face over an actual Marine, since we all know Katy Perry is too dumb to handle the rope wall herself. Look at that face! If that isn't the definition of DURR, then I don't know what is.

And the award for the most pathetic, clumsy way to hold a weapon in a shot goes to...Katy Perry stabbing at a dummy with a bayonet. I mean, obviously this isn't Full Metal Jacket or anything, but it felt like a kindergarten play about 'Nam.

To remind us why Katy Perry is ACTING FOR HER LIFE! we get an over-the-shoulder shot of a letter that basically says "bla bla bla letter from back home stating obvious that someone misses you". In case you think it's from her boyfriend, I'll remind you that the only people who write letters in pencil on lined paper are elementary school children. Ergo, we have evidence that Katy Perry is maintaining correspondence with an 8-year-old boy, ipso facto, Katy Perry is Pedobear.

Then she's all "Hey, remember when I was wearing that shitty wig? Me too LOL"

In case you've been wondering What the Hell Happened to Lori Petty? Just kidding. Although I wouldn't put it past Katy Perry and her dumbass bff Rihanna to put what's left of their coagulated brains together and think up a terrible Tank Girl-themed video. In case you're wondering, both of these skeezers should be playing kangaroo people.

Oh boy, have I ever wanted someone to get caught in the line of fire...KIDDING (am I?) All her faces in this video are either dead-eyes/mouth-agape or AARRGH PUSHING OUT A SHIT.

Oh fuck. For real?

God damn it. Someone needs to be fired for this. This is so embarrassing and stupid. She's in basic training. She's been in the Marines for like, a week. No one else is wearing cammo makeup. WHY in the FUCK is she putting on sniper makeup?? For fucks sakes people, someone sat down with an artist and storyboarded this out. SOMEONE THOUGHT THIS THROUGH. This was an idea. Someone got paid too much money for this.

Lastly we get some eye-rollingly bad shots of Katy Perry dancing like a spastic used-car-dealership windsock man under an American flag. Quick! Someone let the flag touch the ground so it has to be burned (assuming everything under the flag is destroyed too).

She was dancing like Nell, from the movie Nell (aka like a feral child who grew up in the woods aka NOT WELL).

The end shot is Katy Perry pulling out SERIOUS ACTOR FACE to show us all that she's not like the girl she was in the beginning! Which was...uh...gas station girl? Girl who used to take baths with her boyfriend? Girl who didn't seem to have a job, and was emotionally unstable to approach her philandering boyfriend at his place of work (very classy, by the way. Nothing say "mature enough to be in a stable, adult relationship" like changing into your partner's office and throwing a hissy fit in front of his peers. ME ME ME!! ALL EYES ON ME! I HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY!!) The end game here is that Katy is now mature and, like, totally above all the bullshit and lies, you know? For real. Man, she's so smart. This was the most poignant, deepest music video of 2012. Oh wait, sorry, did I say poignant? I meant piece of crap. This video was like a visual representation of all the junk they pull out of the homes on Hoarders. Tons of stinky flat cats in this one, all set for the 1-800-GOT-JUNK truck. Let's be honest for a second (HA) Katy Perry can't act worth shit. I've seen better acting in a Stanley Steamer commercial (from the dog, as he's dragging his ass across the carpet). I know they just repealed Don't Ask Don't Tell, but do you think someone could institute Don't Let You Act, because this is bringing hundreds of years of shame to the Marines. And soldiers. And people. And anyone with eyes who had to watch this shit for 3 minutes. Oh boy Katy, please stop starring in your own 3-minute short films and hire actors so you can stick to what you're good at (bahahahaha NOTHING!!!)

The Shittiest Easter Candy

noreply@blogger.com (Admin) — Fri, 23 Mar 2012 16:08:00 +0000

I love Easter time. I love how much candy is available. I don't mind telling you that I normally gorge myself on caramel-marshmallow eggs and Creme Eggs. My sugar spikes so high I actually consider keeping 9-1-1 on speed dial. Anyways, when I was in 'Murrica a few weeks ago, I thought I'd take a walk through Target to see if I couldn't find any grotesque American Easter candy. Stuff like Cookies n' Creme Doritos (in pastel colours!) and the like. I spent a good 15 minutes scouring the snack aisle, but was getting frustrated. I couldn't find any Easter candy in the candy aisle, which I thought was really odd. I left candy and snacks and started meandering.

I went wandering and found a 'seasonal' section that was, I'm not kidding you, 4 aisles of candy. 4 aisles. Do you understand how many bags of pastel M&Ms that is? Too many. I thought it would be fun to have my own Easter Bunny hunt and try to find the grossest bag of Easter candy. As it turns out, I didn't need to look very far. Ladies and gentlemen, please help yourselves to some Brach's Black Jelly Bird Eggs.

Here are my thoughts:
1. These aren't jelly beans. They're "Jelly Bird Eggs". They've tried to make these Easter-y I guess? Springtime? Make them bird eggs?
2. This doesn't read as "bird eggs that are jelly". It reads as "eggs that are from the elusive Jelly Bird". Which sounds straight-up gross.
3. THEY'RE BLACK. Black is not an Easter colour. It's Halloween, and maaaaybe Goth Day (when is Goth Day? Every day for your sullen teenage nephew. PS - Halloween is his Christmas).
4. I don't think there has ever been a child alive or dead that likes black jellybeans.

This is just a terrible Easter candy. A bag of all-black jelly beans. Ugh. Good one Brach's, you lazy sons of bitches. Don't ever make these again, okay?

New American Cereals

noreply@blogger.com (Admin) — Tue, 13 Mar 2012 17:01:00 +0000

I feel like I've been crossing the border an awful lot lately, and thankfully I've been going to a lot of Targets and grocery stores. Oh, I've been doing other things too, but the highlight is always taking a look at what my 'Murrican neighbors are eating. It's fascinating. I always feel like Nell (from the movie Nell) wandering into town from the forest when I walk down the cereal aisle. So many new colours! Look at this, cereal made from pudding! Alright, let's see what blew my mind this time.

Frosted Toast Crunch. Okay? Here's the disconnect: Cinnamon Toast Crunch is supposed to be like cinnamon toast. French Toast Crunch is supposed to be like french toast. Frosted Toast Crunch is...frosted toast? What the hell is frosted toast? Toast dipped in sugar? I don't know. Just call it Frosted Cinnamon Toast Crunch or Sweet Toast Crunch. "Hey mom! Skip the pancakes, I want frosted toast this morning! What's frosted toast, you ask? Toast you've dipped in cake icing, you fool! Now MUSH! Make that icing!! Frost that toast! H'yah! Whoah fella, take it easy. We'll get through this toast-frosting together."

Another toast-like product, but this isn't anything to make fun of. General Mills has re-released a bunch of cereals (Lucky Charms, Cocoa Puffs, Count Chocula, Honey Nut Cheerios, Original Recipe Cheerios) in their original (or at least 1970s) product packages. I really wish we could see more retro packaging. Take a look at the Frosted Toast Crunch box up there and then look at this. Seriously? Way cuter.

Yep, that's it. Just wanted to look at the box. I almost bought it too, but then I remembered that it's just Cinnamon Toast Crunch, and that it is plentiful and delicious in Canada.

Life Strawberry Crunchtime and Apple Cinnamon Crunchtime. I wasn't sure what to make of these. I mean, can we even call it Life cereal if it's not woven multigrain squares? Life cereal squres, in my opinion, are little DIY wicker placemats for Barbie dolls. These look nothing like something you would set Barbie's table with. I don't see why Life decided to go ahead and roll these out. They're not really promoting the benefits of its health or nutrition, and it's nothing new (there are a million apple cinnamon cereals on the market). Life's reputation is the whole "kids like it, moms like it too" kind of feel-good bullshit, but Life isn't that healthy. When you break it down, it's a low-fibre cereal with an awful lot of sugar for something you think is "good for you". I don't predict a long shelf-life for the Crunchtime cereals. Maybe it's just me though; I see cereal as falling in to one of two toilets. Cereal is either very healthy and low-fat and delicious when you sprinkle it on yogurt and full of raisins and nuts and grains and you need to add honey or sugar because it's very bland, but will move everything out of your bowels, so you win at breakfast OR cereal is a pressed square/circle/animal shape that is covered in sugar or flavour powder or cocoa or candy and is mixed in with marshmallows or flavour pockets or toys or secret glitter or colours that make your milk turn neon or silver. Healthy or hate-food. Nothing in between. My choices are Cheerios or Marshmallow AlphaBits with Added Sucralose. Moving on. I need to talk about Cheerios.

What in the fuck is up with Cheerios lately.

I've written previously about how Cheerios cereal has grown disgusting flavoured heads like a morbidly obese Cerberus. I honestly wasn't sure it would get any worse than Chocolate Cheerios. That, to me, felt like the biggest flipped-bird in the cereal aisle. Cheerios is such a perfectly simple cereal; if I had to do a comparison to something else, it might be Cheerios:cereal as Oreos:cookies. You can't beat them. They're healthy, easy to eat, mildly sweet in a grainy way. The only way to make them a little tastier is Honey Nut Cheerios. Hell, I'll even give them Apple Cinnamon Cheerios (even those aren't that good, but they manage to be simple and delicious enough). Multigrain Cheerios? Okay, fine. But if you're that concerned with health and multiple grains in your breakfast, just go nuts on a piece of whole wheat toast instead. Then we got Fruity Cheerios (aka Broke-ass Froot Loops). When they got bored of that shit, they forced Banana Nut Cheerios on us (which my sister passionately advocates. I, on the other hand, maintain they taste like childrens flu medicine).

So I found that Cheerios has birthed two new cereal offerings, thus confirming the fact that General Mills has made some kind of unholy Rosemary's Baby-like pact with the devil.

First up is Peanut Butter Multigrain Cheerios. In case you didn't notice, they're NEW. No shit, huh. Let me get this out of the way: I hate how Cheerios is trying ti market themselves as Cereal 4 Skinnies. NEWSFLASH: all cereal is low in fat and calories. Cereal is like, 200 calories a bowl. Even Lucky Charms. Even that shit Krave (and it has chocolate filling). So seriously Cheerios, stop acting like eating Peanut Butter Cheerios is going to put you in a bikini. The kind of people who will buy Peanut Butter Cheerios are also the kind of people who are going to eat 3 bowls on the couch while screaming at Maury Povitch on the television (am I in my underwear too? I'll leave that up to your imagination. Spoiler alert: it's a trick question, I'm in sweatpants). Alright, enough grandstanding. Would Peanut Butter Cheerios be the worst? Probably not. But they do remind me of Captain Crunch's Peanut Butter Crunch cereal, and that sort of makes you hate yourself when you eat it, so...is this the KFC Famous Bowl of the cereal aisle? Not quite. But our next offender, however...

You're looking at this, right? These are Dulce de Leche Cheerios. In the event you're not familiar with your sugar-based sauces, Dulce de Leche is cooked sweetened condensed milk. It's a very milky caramel sauce. THIS IS CARAMEL CEREAL. In case I cannot make this any more clear to you, this cereal is essentially caramel corn. This is Caramel Swirl Ice Cream. This is Halloween Candy for breakfast. Oh, naturally flavored you say? Thank god! I'd hate to know that my caramel-covered Cheerios are fake. Fuck me, was this cereal created by Paula Deen? Is this some kind of social experiment by Morgan Spurlock or something? Jesus Christ. And yet they stole Frosted Cheerios away from us like some jackass Patrick Bateman. "A-Ha-Ha! You poor loser. Look at you scramble for your Frosted Cheerios like a rat". Look, General Mills, if you're covering Cheerios with chocolate and peanut butter and FUCKING CARAMEL then at least bring back Frosted Cheerios PLEASE.

The first Easter Peeps of 2012!

noreply@blogger.com (Admin) — Wed, 07 Mar 2012 21:38:00 +0000

Hey everyone! So as you know by my last post, I was in 'Murrica just a short while ago. I bought many delicious food stuffs, mostly candy. But one thing in particular I was saving till I could get good and ready to review it! And that thing is...drumroll please...

The Peeps Crispy Rice Marshmallow Treat! Now available at finer stores near you (laughs laughs, wipes tears from eyes, I think I bought this one at a gas station or a Walgreens. Actually, scratch that. I bought this adorable, puffy, rice-and-marshmallow-filled bunny at CVS). Luckily I'm going to 'Murrica again this weekend, because there are so many wonderful Easter candy offerings on the market right now. As you all know, I follow the Peep product line like Davy Jones followed Whitney up to Heaven (Too soon? Not soon enough? Not relevant? Exactly). I receive weekly emails from the good people at JustBorn and Peeps and eagerly anticipate what they'll do each Easter season to thrill those of us who wait like good children for the eve that Zombie Jesus emerges from the tomb. Last year I was very impressed with one food stuff in particular: the Peeps chocolate-covered marshmallow chick. They came in milk and dark varieties, and the inside marshmallow was a soft, smooth yellow lump. I was just astounded at how yummy they were. I will definitely be going back to buy more, since we STILL don't have those in Canada. I won't, however, be buying any Original Recipe chicks, since I still have TWO FULL BOXES of Christmas Trees and Snowmen left over from Christmas. I should get to those first (This just in! Your ass says you really don't need them).

Okay, so here is what I saw when I opened the mylar package. I knew it was going to be blue, but this is some bright Nicki Minaj wig blue. Like, bright bright. I was sure that Victorian-era street urchins would look at me and go "Eer ya go mum, lemme try that for ya. And whiles I'm at it, you want me to go into the mine and see if the canary is still alive?" I have neon nail polish that looks at this and goes "SLOW DOWN, YOU'RE JUST CANDY". Also I love that it is in no way shaped like a bunny. Maybe the shape of the bunny at the end of Fatal Attraction, but no bunnies I've ever seen. So in the event you're still looking at this and thinking to yourself "Wait, so this is a mass-produced consumer item?" I'll describe what we're looking at. It's a crispy rice bunny held together with turquoise marshmallow-sugar-syrup, sprinkled with bunny-shaped candy sprinkles. HAPPY EASTER?

It's not tremendously large; it's a decent sized serving, akin to a large Rice Krispy square (oh, there's a Canadian thing! In 'Murrica, you usually call them "Rice Krispy Treats" or "Crispy Rice Treats" or Marshmallow Treats" but in Canada, we ALWAYS call them Rice Krispy Squares. Always. Doesn't matter the brand of crispy rice, or what cereal is used. If I use Golden Grahams, I still call them "Rice Krispy Squares with Golden Grahams". The more you know!) When I bit into it, I was fully expecting a stale, puffy, crunchy mouthful. Instead it was soft, sticky, pulled apart easily, easy to chew. This was very fresh - it tasted like my mom just made it (although my mother would be dissgrossted if I ever suggested she make these).

Lastly, I need to describe what these tasted like. I was ready to barf. I tried it near my kitchen sink. I like gross things, but not gross food. I have a very limited palate. Eh, not really when it comes to candy though. I'll eat most anything. Anyways, I was sure I wasn't going to like this. It smelled extremely artificial, like a birthday cake factory explosion. And yet it tasted like...vanilla? Sprinkles? It was good! I ate it all, and have been contemplating going to a drug store/Target and buying another (or 10). I really liked it. It's not Peeps by any stretch of the imagination, but it was delicious and marshmallowy and artifical and candy-like. Look, we'll put it this way: I fully expected to hate the Peeps Crispy Rice Marshmallow Treat, it turned out to be good, and I thought I'd be head-over-heels in love with Birthday Cake-flavoured Oreos, and I just about spat those into the trash. SO GROSS. They were like an oily birthday cake discharge. It was the food equivalent to Rihanna and Chris Brown's vocal masterpiece Birthday Cake. Point is, don't buy them if you like your tooth enamel, because all of it will be gone about 4-6 minutes after eating Birthday Cake Oreos.

God bless 'Merican Foodstuffs

noreply@blogger.com (Admin) — Wed, 29 Feb 2012 17:11:00 +0000

Hey yous guys! So this weekend I was in Chicago, Illinois for a fun three-day-adventure in the coldest city known to man. Oh hai America, you could have told me to bring a hat. Would have been super duper. But you didn't! So I kept warm the only way I knew how; by eating so much I fell into a food-coma every night at 11pm. Actually, it wasn't so bad (just a few shades warmer than Hoth). This was actually the first time I stepped off a plane in Toronto and went "PRAISE CHEESUS, MY EYELASHES AREN'T FROZEN". I wasn't in Chicago for any particular reason but to enjoy a 3-day weekend, a cheap flight sale, and eating pizza. TRUTH! It was great. I ate Deep Dish Pizza for the first time and it was very very good. Like a tiny, crunchy bed filled with cheesy, saucy puppies. But this post isn't about delicious food, it's about 'Merican food, so let's get to it.

First, let me say that American grocery stores have the most fucked up names. Aldi, Publix, Jewel Osco, Topps, Winn-Dixie. I guess Canada's aren't much better: Metro, Loblaws, Sobeys, Independent. There's actually a chain in southwestern Ontario called Zehrs (pronounced ZAY-urrs). That's what we shopped at as kids, Zehrs. To this day, I still call 'plastic bags' Zehrs' Bags. One time a friend of mine asked for a 'Zehrs' bag' and a bunch of people went "a WHAT??" and I was like "A Zehrs bag you dummies. He needs a Zehrs bag. You guys don't keep your plastic bags?"

Okay, enough nostalgia. So the grocery store where I took these pictures was a Jewel-Osco. Nice grocery store, but no Publix. Publix is my FAVOURITE grocery store ever. Tons of crazy, shitty 'Merican food (but also good produce. WHAT the HELL am I talking about??) Second, Chicago reminds me a lot of both Montreal and Toronto. With that being said, their grocery stores were also like Montreal and Toronto. Nothing super ridiculous or crazy, food-wise. Maybe it is just the state? I mean, you know that if you need caloric-nightmares, you go to Florida or Alabama. Illinois was very much like Canada; lots of healthy stuff, nothing too ostentatious. I combed Jewel-Osco like the Child Catcher in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang looking for Surf-n-Turf flavoured potato chips or Wedding Cake-flavoured Fruit Roll-Ups.

With that being said, I have found some good ones. One caveat though: NO YOGURT!!! Yoplait needs to step up its game, because there hasn't been a new dessert-flavoured yogurt released in like, a year. Although maybe it was Illinois fault; maybe they just haven't received a shipment of Pecan Pie Non-Fat Yogurt or Deep Fried Mars Bar Mousse Yogurt. Alright, let's get to it! Starting with the most important meal of the day: Breakfast.

Kellogg's Krave cereal. This is crunchy chocolate cereal with a delectable chocolate filling. So, it's cookies then. You're eating cookies. This sounds gross. I love chocolate, but this is too much. I remember being a kid and seeing an ad for Teddy Grahams cereal on TV and knowing my parents would NEVER buy it for me, so one morning I got up early, poured myself a bowl of Teddy Grahams cookies and watched as my father lost his shit over me eating a bowl of cookies and milk. When I think back, I'm like "What a dummy! How was I so unable to differentiate between cookies and cookie-shaped cereal?" NOW YOU DON'T HAVE TO!!! Krave: is it cookies or cereal?!? It's both! It's cookies and candy and cereal, all rolled into one! U-S-A! U-S-A!

Kellogg's Nutri-Grain Yogurt Bar, you made me positively sick to look at you. That filling looks like barf, number one. It's strawberry yogurt filled, number two. JUST EAT STRAWBERRY YOGURT!!! That filling must be so revolting. It would have to be much thicker and less damp than yogurt. Alright, sounds like we're talking either cheesecake or oil-based "creme". FUCK YOU, BREAKFAST!

Kellogg's Eggo mini Muffin Tops. I have no words (except that Kellogg's is featured a lot in this post. It appears that they may be the benchmark for terrible food ideas).

Kellogg's Pop-Tarts in Wildlicious. To me, and with help from the picture, it seems that 'wildlicious' flavour is a combination of cherry, strawberry, and orange. I have no issues with this as a food-stuff; cherry-strawberry-orange sounds like it would be absolutely delicious and breakfast-appropriate. Berry-citrus. Okay! I'm on board with that! The reason it's on this list is because it is lazy. Kellogg's Pop-Tarts has a long-standing reputation of bringing us the grossest fillings in American Pastry History. Ice Cream Sundae. Birthday Cake. Sugar Cookie. Strawberry Milkshake. So a cherry-strawberry-orange filling is not only off-brand, but deeply disturbing. What's next? 1/2 Sugar Pop-Tarts? All-natural fig filling? 100-mile diet, locally farmed apple?? I do not like this Pop-Tarts. Not one bit. Go back to filling your tarts with the likes of Caramel Corn and Spicy Queso.

On to snacks. Merkts/Kaukauna spreadable processed cheese. I understand that the midwest loves cheese (really, who doesn't?) but there was an awful lot of spreadable, tubbed cheddar in the cheese aisle. I think this is supposed to be like fancy Cheez Whiz? Why do we need fancy Cheez Whiz? Just eat real cheese. Life is hard sometimes guyyyyyyyys!

This picture may be confusing, but it's a bunch of single-packed giant pickles packed in brine. Just some huge pickles. Allow me to show an average-sized hand holding said pickle:

Forget about the length of that sucker, it was the width of a hand! Hoo mama, cut me off a piece of that! It's not the size of the pickle, but the motion of the ocean, AMIRITE?!?! Aside from making wiener jokes (which we did) I also marveled at a single, giant pickle. Do NOT get me wrong - I love pickles, and I would probably love this. But this seems like too much. It's also totally weird! You're not supposed to put pickles in bags and bring them to lunch! Hello - has no one seen Uncle Buck? (Remember when he packs the kid's lunch and Macaulay Culkin gets a dill pickle in a ziploc bag?)

Jell-O color-changing vanilla instant pudding. This specific brand is called "Mixchief" (get it? Mischief? So lame) and it turns your pudding green. That looks about as appetizing as lower-back surgery. This is just awful. What is wrong with parents?? Who would buy this?? Remember that terrible green ketchup from a few years back? When will parents finally put down their foot and say "NO. NO I WON'T BUY YOU PUDDING THAT LOOKS LIKE THE HULK'S RUNNY STOOL."

Nabisco's Berry Burst Ice Cream Oreo. Oreo has been trying to think up new flavours for a long time. I don't blame them; we're in a recession, and Original Recipe Oreos aren't going to keep the lights on in the Nabisco factory. Sorry, did you just say that Oreo is the world's best selling cookie? That it literally has no competition? It's an incredibly simple cookie to make and is usually free of artifical flavours and colours? It's almost the same recipe they've been using since the beginning? Oh, okay! Then WHY THE FUCK WERE THESE MADE???

Look, if you're going to change anything, just change the shape to little footballs. Same great taste! Tiny football shape! Get 'em for game day! Friday Night Lights! Go Team Go! U-S-A! U-S-A!!

While in Chicago, I discovered that there is a rather large Mexican population. This was evident in their grocery stores where the "Southwest/TexMex" section was simply labeled "EL FOOD". I really wanted to try Mexican chocolate (because I love Abuleta hot drink mix) and I bough this tiny chocolate bar called Carlos V for $0.39. You can't see on the bottom, but it says "Milk chocolate-style bar". Yep, that means just what you think it means...it tastes like cheap, shitty Easter chocolate. Carlos V is supposed to be the King of Chocolates, but I can tell you first-hand that he is the king of a terrible, dilapidated candy factory. He makes Willy Wonka look like Lenin.

The Carlos V bar is like a Magic 8 Ball, but instead of predicting your future, the chocolate dares you to eat it. "You want me?" it asks? Both sides should say NO. Or one side could say 'NO' and the other could say 'SI. ME GUSTA DIARREAH.'

Chocolate Twizzlers. Oh boy. Where do I start with this? Chocolate-flavoured licorice. It's bad enough that licorice isn't even black anymore. Whenever someone says 'licorice' you immediately think of red, vaguely-strawberry flavour. Ugh. I also like that it's branded as a low-fat snack. You know what else is low-fat? An apple. A small piece of dark chocolate. Not a whole bag of chocolate-flavoured Twizzlers (because, let's be honest with ourselves; nobody opens a bag of Twizzlers and doesn't try to finish them before they get stale, which is IMMEDIATELY).

Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream in Karamel Sutra. Nothing says "Yum! Ice cream!" like hundreds of sexual positions. This was a huge mistake, guys. Huge mistake. No one wants to think about recently-divorced moms and their new weird boyfriend Chad trying out The Crouching Lotus-pouch while eating ice cream.

Duncan Hines Amazing Glazes. Two bottles, same product? Is one supposed to be respectful, decent, and Christian, and the other is dark and sinful and for 'lovers' to pour on their crotches while eating Karamel Sutra? America, why u so hard to understand sometimes?
PS - in case you haven't guessed, I think this looks fucking disgusting.

Speaking of disgusting! Philadelphia Indulgence. It's tough to see, but there are 3 flavours here: dark chocolate, white chocolate, milk chocolate. Aaaaaannnnddddd...it's Philly cream cheese whipped with chocolate! It's a dip! It's a spread! It's only ever going to be eaten by the morbidly obese as a low-cal heart-smart alternative to canned Betty Crocker frosting! ME GUSTA.

Last but not least, we have a new champion for the "Which 'Merican Food is Giving the Biggest Middle Finger to Middle America" contest...GOLDFISH! What was once a tasty cracker snack given to toddlers is now a giant stinky prison orgy between salt, sugar, artifical flavour, palm oil, "BAKED, NOT FRIED!" (which means it's as healthy as a carrot) and the letter X. Can I give you some perspective here? In Canada, we have Original Goldfish, Rainbow Goldfish (which is just naturally-coloured cheddar), Pretzel Goldfish, Xtreme Cheddar (okay, fiiiine) and Chocolate Goldfish. In the US, you have Flavour Blasted Chocolate, because regular chocolate just isn't enough for your desensitized tastebuds. Make it extreme! Chock up the flavour!! It should be like a flavour explosion ripping through your gums!!! But look - whatever - sometimes you want super-chocolatey cookies. I'm not exempt from this; I enjoy taking Double Stuff Oreos and pushing two together to make an ultra-thick cookie. So I'll give Xtra Chocolatey a pass. But Vanilla Cupcake flavor blasted Goldfish? Ummmm....what? Look, I've said it before and I'll say it again: what the hell is the flavour profile for "Vanilla Cupcake"? It's like saying something is 'lasagna-flavoured' - it's made up of so many elements, that it could literally be anything. Vanilla Cupcake would be:
- cake flavour
- vanilla
- butter
- a sticky sweetness that comes from icing sugar
- sprinkles (sprinkle flavour?)
I just can't. Look, we had our time with bacon-mania, and now I'd like to see cupcake-a-palooza come to an end too. Also I would die a little inside if I had a kid that asked for these at the grocery store. Not because I'm a health nut, but because I would hope that my kid could tell the difference between Vanilla Cupcake Goldfish and ACTUAL cupcakes, and would ask for the second.

Up next in the Parade of Horrors is Goldfish S'mores Adventures. I love it. The only adventure awaiting the person who buys these is the long arduous trek from the couch to the fridge. So in case you can't tell, these are chocolate and honey (aka Plain) fish and fish-shaped marshmallows. You're supposed to put them together? And eat them like a S'more? Whut? That doesn't make sense. There's no melty part to this. It's just cracker-cracker-dried out marshmallow-cracker. That makes for a very dry mouth. Here's my major qualm with this product (BAHAAHAH - as if I only have one): it's that it would be very very easy to make a S'more-flavoured graham. The base is already graham cracker. Add some teeny-tiny chocolate chips. Swirl some "marshmallow" flavour into that graham (hell, use the Vanilla Cupcake flavour) and there you go. You would have a cracker that tastes like a S'more. But why even bother? Remember that S'more candy bar that NO ONE bought because it was gross and why the fuck would you eat a S'more flavoured candy bar when you could make the real thing in your microwave and it would taste 10000x better? Or remember that cereal, Smorz, that NO ONE is buying because nobody wants to eat dried up marshmallow flakes with chocolate-flavoured dry cereal because S'MORES AREN'T DRY AS A FART? S'mores are gooey and hot and taste like campfire and summer and outdoors and charcoal and wooden sticks. They don't taste like stale, fish-shaped grahams.

Last, but not least, is Goldfish Flavor Blasted Slammin' Sour Cream & Onion. Slammin'. Who uses the word "slammin" anymore? Who EVER used it? And why would you want crackers that taste like Slammin' Sour Cream & Onion? Who made this, Guy Fieri?? Throw some sunglasses on that fish and you basically have Guy "Tex Wasabi" Fieri.

That's better. Come to think of it, why isn't he the spokesperson for Goldfish? I mean, they've abandoned everything else about Goldfish: the simplicity, the charming jingle. Someone should animate an obnoxious, fake-Italian with bro-hair and unnecessary wraparound sunglasses that shouts phrases like "SLAMMIN" and "SO MONEY" while flying through the air in a flavour-dust fart explosion.

One last thing. If 'Merican food has taught me anything, it's this: in the future, people won't be eating foods in pill-form. They'll simply be eating popcorn seasoning, washing it all down by chugging VitaminWater by the 2L bottle. Eventually there will be no Goldfish; it will all be Xtreme Flavor Blast and Xtra Flavor Coating and Sour Powder and Cake Glaze. Essentially, our diet will be Toppings and Sauces. U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!!!!

Dobermans might not be Satan's Dog

noreply@blogger.com (Admin) — Fri, 24 Feb 2012 15:39:00 +0000

So remember last week how I referred to a Doberman Pinscher as "Satan's dog"? Yeah, I remember too. Thanks to anti-Doberman propaganda like UP! we've all been conditioned to believe that if you encounter a Doberman, you're pretty much screwed and you should write your will asap. Anyways, in the past when I've talked shit about dog breeds (ahem - Pitbulls) I would usually end up with a shitstorm of hate mail (from - ahem - Pitbull owners). What can you do, you know? I guess the minute you buy a certain breed of dog you give up your sense of humor. So I knew that someone, somewhere would probably read what I wrote about Dobermans or Dalmatians and think "THAT. FUCKING. IGNORANT. BITCH. I am going to leave SUCH a comment on their blog to teach them a lesson." And that's fine - I like reading ranty, poorly-edited comments and emails. It brightens my day. So when I finally received an email about referring to a dog as Satan's Dog, I was pleasantly surprised that it said this:

I own a Doberman and laughed when you called them Satan's dogs. Mine doesn't have her ears done so she doesn't look so scary. I think they should all have floppy ears. But they are Satan's dogs. They're assholes!! Stubborn, hyper, and my dog is a life support system for her gut. She is good for scaring the junkies next door but if you owned one of these dogs you'd see what suckies they really are. Never had a more clingy dog in my life.

Oh boy, that was a nice email! It made my day! I love when people can laugh at their pets. Then my day got a million times better when she SENT ME A PICTURE OF SATAN'S DOG. Her name is Meadow, by the way. Meadow!

Are you looking at this cute-pie?? This is a far cry from Alpha. Meadow's owner also told me she has a picture of her in a Cone of Shame too. WHAT?!!? I'm such a sucker for dogs in cones. I asked Meadow's owner if I could post her picture online and she told me to because "her Gramma will be proud to show her friends". OH MY GOD, I'M DYING!!! I love the idea of some lady with pictures of a dressed-up Doberman on her fridge or telling her friends about how obedience school is going for her "Granddoggy". Holy crap, pets are the best, right? I honestly can't think of anything better than a dog or a cat right now.

So there you go. This dog is adorable and I love her and I wish I could hug it. If you have a dog or a cat, go hug it for me right now!!! I promise I'll reward you handsomely (I'm going to 'Murrica this weekend, which means...ANOTHER AMERICAN FOOD POST!!! It's been too long).
Happy Friday, everyone.

The Best Dog in the World is...

noreply@blogger.com (Admin) — Thu, 16 Feb 2012 18:15:00 +0000

This little guy!!! His name is Malachy and he's a Pekingese (one of my favourite dogs because they look like facial hair come to life). The Westminster Kennel Club named him Best in Show which means he'll be dining on Purina for the next year (instead of generic-brand Happy Dawg Dog Kibble, which is what he'd get if he came home A LOSER). He is seriously so cute, it's making my heart hurt. Normally I find out who won Best in Show and scream out "FIXED!!! THIS FUCKING SHOW IS FIXED!!" because it's usually a doped-up Boxer, but this year they finally got it right. Forget muscle tone and markings and teeth; give the cup to the cutest furball that done showed up. So congrats, Malachy! You get to sleep on the bed this week and eat out of the garbage all you want! You deserved it. But what about the six other dogs who went home losers? Kidding, they're all winners in my heart (except for Boxers, because they look gross). Let's see who was up against Malachy and see if they stood a chance, shall we?

Name: Playing with Fire (but they call him Cinders. Awww)
Breed: Wirehaired Dachshund
Best of: Hounds
I like wiener dogs a lot. There's something so charming about their faces; I like to imagine them all dressed up in a formal tuxedo with a hat and a cane and it makes me laugh. There's something I don't really like about this wire-haired one; I kind of like the short-haired silky ones better. This guy looks dirty, like he lives in a gas station mensroom.
How does you compare to Malachy? No comparison. I'd rather snuggle that Pekinese all day long. Cinders is cute and tiny, but he's not a floating mustache.

Name: Spotlights Ruffian
Breed: Dalmatian
Best of: Non-Sporting
Awww Dalmations. Nothing brings a couple together more than adopting more than 100 dalmations, all the while praying that one of their erstwhile friends doesn't try to steal them and skin them alive in order to make a floor-length dog-fur coat. Wait, what were we talking about again? Oh yeah, this Dalmation.
How does you compare to Malachy? Doesn't. I don't care if they are pals with Firemen; did you know that Dalmatians have the highest bite-rate? Wild.

Name: Captain Crunch
Breed: German Shepherd
Best of: Herding
Oh shoot, he's a cute pie. Look how soft that fur is. I bet he really likes to fetch stuff.
How does you compare to Malachy? Pretty close. While I don't love German Shepherds, I do love when they're mixed with things. My parent's dog is 1/2 German Shepherd and 1/2 Siberian Husky and she is the cutest damn dog you've ever seen. If I had to choose between owning Malachy and Captain Crunch, I'd probably pick the Captain.

Name: Caught Red Handed
Breed: Irish Setter
Best of: Sporting
I just cannot get away from the fact that this dog probably always has a freshly killed mallard duck it its mouth. Right?
How does you compare to Malachy? No comparison. This dog looks like it smells like a pond.

Name: Veni Vidi Vici
Breed: Doberman Pinscher
Best of: Working
Look how fancy this little lady is. Click clack make that money, honey.
How does you compare to Malachy? I like Dobermans, but they always sort of look evil. Isn't this the type of dog Satan owns? This is Satan's dog, right? I mean, I heard he was showing his dog at Westminster this year; this has got to be Satan's dog.

Name: Chelsey
Breed: Kerry Blue Terrier
Best of: Terrier
I don't like a dog who's face is hidden by damp fur. I would not want this animal kissing me.
How does you compare to Malachy? Does not! Yesterday I told you about how I feel about terriers. I would never trade a terrier for a fluffy meringue like Malachy.

VERDICT
Malachy the Pekingese wholeheartedly deserved to win Best in Show. He's a sweet little toy with perfect fur and a happy face. He looks like the kind of dog a rich Emperor would have (and probably make him wear a tiny little hat). Malachy, I wish I could hug you.

The Six New Breeds of Dog at Westminster 2012

noreply@blogger.com (Admin) — Tue, 14 Feb 2012 22:46:00 +0000

For some people, this week has already been an exciting one. There's been lots to talk about: Whitney (RIP), Beyonce's baby pictures (aka Señorita Bought-and-paidro. Seriously, have you seen those pictures? Who's the mom, Eva Longoria?) Nicki Minaj at the Grammys (aka Whaaaaat was happening there?), Grandma-donna at the Superbowl, one week till the Oscars, etc etc. There's a lot to cover. But you know what? A million other blogs have said it all much better than me. You wanna hear about Whitney? Go read what Rich at FourFour wrote. Want to know everything else? Dlisted. Exactly. I get all my news from Dlisted (is that sad? Whatever, I'm over it).

So instead I'm going to write about something topical in my world (The Land of Loners and Weirdos). This week is the Westminster Kennel Club Dogs-a-Poppin' K9 Showdown (I don't think it's called that) and I am amped like you wouldn't believe. I love watching dog shows. And yes, obviously I love Best in Show (but who doesn't?) There are so many things about the Westminster show that I love:
1. The dogs. The dogs are all clean and snuggle-ready. I wish I could snuggle them all (all but the Boston Terriers because those dogs are HELLA GROSS).
2. The dogs are all happy. I hate when people get all shoulder-chippy and act like they're the voice of the dogs and complain like "the dogs are treated like cattle. They're stuffed into small crates and paraded about like pieces of meat. It's degrading. Would their lupine ancestors do this in the wild? What about the 99%? WHAT ABOUT ALL THE POOR SHELTER DOGS?!?!!?" and it's like, chill the fuck out for a second.
A - You're a cat owner, right? Exactly.
B - The dogs love it. Anyone who has a dog knows they love being preened over and given non-stop attention. The dog show is essentially a week-long holiday for the dogs. 7 days of pets, snuggles, treats, and everyone is talking to them in baby talk. "Ooooh, Mummy is so proud of you Skittles! Look at how you turned your tail out on that last canter! You are just too much! Have this whole bag of Snausages! I WUV WOO."
C - The number of shelters dogs being adopted right now is at an all-time high (thanks to education on back-yard breeders and puppy mills) so ease up - just because someone wants to show their 20th Pug doesn't mean Scamp is being given the nite-nite-needle.
3. The handlers. Not all of them are overweight (most though...most), but all of them have terrible style. They're the kind of people you look at and go "you know what? I get that they're wearing slacks with pleats and socks from 1993, but I bet the treat their Shih Tzu like a King." And they do!! They're all so dedicated to what they do. Dog handlers don't do that shit half-assed; they're in it to win it. And if they don't win it? They don't care, because they go home with a little furry prize that loves them no matter what. It's a win-win.

Anyways, I'll probably end up writing about the Westminster show more this week (because I owe yous guys) but for now I want to write about the 6 new breeds they've included in this year's show. I heard that they were only letting in 3 new breeds, so the double number was a pleasant surprise. Plus, they're all breeds that deserve to be included. But please don't confuse my acceptance for tolerance; I will quit this bitch the minute they allow Puggles and Goldendoodles to compete (NOT IN MY LIFETIME).

Here are the 6 new breeds that people will be talking about (and by people, I mean sad losers who follow dog shows).

Breed No. 1: AMERICAN ENGLISH COONHOUND (Hound Group)
From what I read, the American English Coonhound (something...about that name bothers me. Can we call it a Raccoon Hound please?) came from Virgina Hounds.
Pros: Speed, endurance, an "excellent voice". Also is pleasant and sociable to both humans and dogs. That's cute!
Cons: Needs regular exercise to stay in shape. Don't adopt this dog if you love naps, I guess.
Do I likey? Yeah, me likey. She's cute. I'm not a fan of all those visible nipples, but I'm sure I could put a dog-Snuggie on it.
I'd name it: Whiskey, Tupper, Rocky, Poochy. Or, maybe something Southern, like Flapjacks or Woodpile.

Breed No. 2: CESKY TERRIER (Terrier Group)
From what I read, the Cesky Terrier was developed to be a muscular hunting dog that could work well in a pack.
Pros: Lean and graceful. Loyal to their owners.
Cons: Reserved around strangers (which is the nice way of saying they're total assholes to new people).
Do I likey? Me no likey. I hate terriers. The only kind of terriers I like are ones that look like Toto or Verdell from As Good As It Gets. I don't like how they get that weird damp stained mustache thing. Why does that happen?!!?
I'd name it: I don't want to get attached to this thing, so I wouldn't name it, but if I had to, I'd pick Smokey or Ned Flanders.

Breed No. 3: ENTLEBUCHER MOUNTAIN DOG (Herding Group)
This is the smallest Swiss breed of dog. He always has three colours in his coat and the pattern is always symmetrical. That's about it!
Pros: Amazing work ethic, easy to train, and "an unusually intense bond between the Entlebucher and his master." Um, ew? That doesn't sound right.
Cons: You need to socialize the shit out of this dog, or he will be a living hell for the rest of his life. Oh, also the energy they have as a puppy will be the same as when it's 16 years old. Holy crap, it's like living with ADHD-dog.
Do I likey? Oh yesh, me likey!!! I love the working dogs. There's something about their faces that I adore. The square jaw, the thick furry coats, strong shoulders. I would like to own him, except I don't want a dog that would never settle down (even though you keep going "Seeeeeriously, SETTLE DOWN!! I am NOT PLAYING WITH YOU!"
I'd name it: Cuddle, Eyebrows, Skipper. I was thinking of naming it something that sounded like IKEA furniture, but then I realized I'm a dumb-dumb and that Ikea is Swedish, not Swiss. GOOD ONE, STUPID. Also I might like to name him Blackie.

Breed No. 4: FINNISH LAPPHUND (Herding Group)
Oh my god, can you stand how cute this is?!?!!?!? Guess what his job is? He's a reindeer herding dog!! OMG. HE WORKS FOR SANTA.
Pros: Strong, agile, expressive faces, love their owners, friendly with all people, highly intelligent, eager to learn.
Cons: Get this - THERE ARE NONE. It's the perfect dog, everyone! Throw out your Yellow Lab and adopt a Finnish Lapphund! Although - if I had to wager a guess - I'd say a con is combing that hair. It looks like it gets all tangely.
Do I likey? Me likey!!!! I want it!!! I want to cuddle it so hard!!! You can be my Lapphund, little Finny!!!! I'll give you so many snacks and then when you get too fat, I'll buy you those littel doggy stairs that they sell in the SkyMall catalogue.
I'd name it: Finny, Puffers, Piffers, Puffins, Smoochy, Pooter, Muffin, Pim-Pim-Puppy, Tap Dancer, Whisker Whispers. ANYTHING!! I'LL CALL YOU ANYTHING!!!

Breed No. 5: NORWEGIAN LUNDEHUND (Non-Sporting Group)
He's also known as a Puffin Dog. Okay, that's adorable. They have opposable thumbs to help them climb rocks. Again, adorable. I saw one of these guys on the street the other day, and I did a double-take because I thought I was looking at a wolf-fox. It was the cutest thing I've ever seen.
Pros: Alert, cheerful, mischievous.
Cons: They're not allowed to hunt puffins anymore, so you know these guys probably have an insatiable need to kill something. I have a feeling you'd end up with a lot of dead rodents and squirrels at your doorstep.
Do I likey? Ooooh, I likey so much. They're so cute. Like mini siberian huskies or something. I would like to own one.
I'd name it: Snooki

Breed No. 6: XOLOITZCUINTLI (Non-Sporting Group)
THIS IS NOT A DOG.
HIS IS AN ALPO-EATING NIGHTMARE.
IT'S NAME SOUNDS LIKE WHEN YOU PLAY AN ALICE COOPER RECORD BACKWARDS.
I NEED AN OLD PRIEST AND A YOUNG PRIEST.

I tried something new! Pt. 1

noreply@blogger.com (Admin) — Thu, 26 Jan 2012 22:23:00 +0000

Since my diet leading up to 2012 was basically this:

...I decided it was in my best interest to expand my palate and try some new foods. I went over a list of foods I've never tried with my friends and they were mostly astonished to know I'd never eaten things as basic as margarine. Alright, so here we go. This week I tried 3 new foods. Have at it!

New Food: MANGO
Tried it at: A restaurant
Thoughts: I went out for vegetarian Thai food with two of my friends, and they convinced me to try mango in salad form first. I've heard from some people that mango on its own can taste woody or dirty, so dousing it in vinegar and mixing in onions seems like a good idea. This was actually really good. I've tried mango-flavoured candy before, and this is not the same. At all. Then again, it would be like comparing prosciutto-wrapped melon to Sour Watermelon candies. Mango tasted kind of like fruity cabbage. It was crunchy and juicy and tasted good with the onions and carrots.
Overall Rating: I liked it! I'd eat it again. I'm very afraid to try it on its own though; I've been tricked by foods covered in vinegar before. You ever tried pickles without vinegar? THEY'RE SO PLAIN!

New Food: BOK CHOY
Tried it at: My house
Thoughts: Bok choy was...something. I wasn't sure what to expect. I thought it might taste like spinach, but it was more like celery. It was plain and stringy. I know it's good for me (it's got fibre, right?) but for the most part I was unimpressed. I think it's one of those foods people eat because it's healthy (like spinach) and not because it's delicious (like candy or cheese). The only thing that was really hard about bok choy was knowing how to eat it. Do you eat it plain? Do you put it in stuff? I decided to put it in soup (but more on that later).

Overall Rating: It's okay. I'll probably eat it again because it's super cheap and I know it's something my doctor would probably tell me to eat. Update! I found out it's low in fibre, but very high in Vitamin K (aka Who cares, what does that shit do?)

New Food: MISO PASTE
Tried it at: My house
Thoughts: For a very long time I refused to eat miso soup. It looked gross, it had tofu, I thought it would make me barf (I was convinced it was liquid MSG). Finally I tried it and really liked it, but it was super mysterious to me. How was it made? What made it salty? Why is it good? What is umami? So I've only had miso soup a handful of times, but I know I liked it. I decided that it was time I bought miso paste from the Japanese grocery store and see if I couldn't make soup at home. It is absolutely the easiest shit I've ever made. You throw a spoonful of paste into boiling water and stir. THAT'S IT. Add whatever you want to it, and you have soup. It is seriously my new favourite thing in the world. I bought miso paste last weekend and I've made soup 4 times in less than a week. This soup also has tiny Japanese noodles in it - something I've also avoided for nearly 30 years (because I don't like the texture of noodles that are both smaller than and larger than spaghetti noodles. I'm too picky). I didn't include them in this list though because - really - a noodle is a noodle (except for soba noodles, which still look like they were invented to make me gag). In case you're wondering what's in this mess: miso paste, noodles, bok choy (represent) and a poached egg.

Overall Rating: I LOVED it! I plan on incorporating miso paste into my weekly diet. Next up: putting it on fish (oh, this has FAIL written all over it).

So there it is. I tried 3 new things and none of them totally grossed me out. I'm starting to think trying new foods was a good idea. Well, I say that now, but wait till we get to like Part 3 and I'll be dry heaving all over my computer.

Is This the Name of a Real Candle or Just Some Shit I Made Up?

noreply@blogger.com (Admin) — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 23:07:00 +0000

I rip on a lot of dumb girl things: hair extensions, high heels, going to the gym. I think it's because I see them as stereotypical and common. Don't have any outside interest? Go to the gym a million times a day and talk about it with anyone who will listen. Need to feel constantly 'pretty' while at the same time severely limiting your mobility? Wear 5" heels to an amusement park. So while I try my hardest to be above bullshit like that, there is one dumb girl thing that I am totally obsessed with:

Scented candles.

I love scented candles. I like ones that smell like perfume and ones that smell like baking and ones that smell like candy and pine trees and beaches filled with seashells. My house is nice, and yet I junk it up with no less than 10 huge glass jars from Bath and Body Works. My home doesn't smell bad without candles; I don't know why then I feel the need to make it smell like Caribbean Escape. I don't understand. I wasn't raised around candles (my mother was afraid we'd burn our house down) and I'm certainly not into Glade air fresheners or sprays or Febreeze or anything. But as long as I have something to burn and make my house smell like cider/gingerale/fresh leather, I am so beyond happy. And yes, I know that lighting a shit-ton of candles is dangerous; obviously I've had accidents where hair has come a little too close to a flame and singed off a few inches. WHO HASN'T? And yes, my house looks like there is a permanent seance going on at all times. WHAT OF IT? Enough about me being the Crazy Cat Lady of candles. Here's my point:

I've noticed that, like nail polish, naming conventions for candles can be classified somewhere between 'cheesy' and 'embarrassing'. It's terrible. Just call the candle what it smells like. Vanilla. Apples. No Smell. Don't call it something like Soft Blanket or Cherries on Snow ("Ah Christmas...chestnuts roasting on the fire, jack frost decorating your windows, cherries scattered amongst the snow like splattered blood from a careless drive-by shooter"). I thought it would be fun to play a game called Is This the Name of a Real Candle or Just Some Shit I Made Up? It's easy; all you need to do is read through the list of candle names and guess which ones are real candle names and which ones were arbitrarily made up by me. It's the game that's sweeping the nation! Not really, but just for a second pretend that guessing candle names isn't a complete and utter waste of time. Okay, GO!

Garden Hideaway
Midnight Cove
Cottage Breeze
Midwinter's Cameltoe
Mountain Lake
Sunset Cheddar
Intimate Backscratch
Christmas Wreath
Secret Itch
Damp Sleeping Bag
Mrs. Claus' Cookies
Crippling Silence
Papa's Moustache
Deep Sadness Sunrise
Springtime Tulip Parade
Adult Acne Splendor
Sparkling Skintag
Crystal Meth Mist
Surprise Rash
Daddy's Denial
Motionless Cat
Crisp Model Airplane Glue
Pending Adoption
Beef Taco Siesta
Fire Damage
Lover's Shuffle
Discount Rectal Exam
Citrus Waltz
Christoph Waltz
Rose Petal Terrace
Shimmering Sweatpants
Secret Boner