The Skip-Raid

CNTM Post - delayed till Monday

noreply@blogger.com (The Mayor) — Fri, 17 Jul 2009 16:14:00 +0000

I know, right? You're probably like "birch please, what else do you have to do but sit at your computer and criticize crappy Canadian models?"
Well, you smartass, I actually had a lot to do this week, so that means you have to wait till Monday to get the re-cap of a lifetime. Needless to say, the finale had me acting like some kind of fool:

Whereas Ty could barely contain busting his nuts all over his Television:

See you on Monday for the run-down low-down! It's going to be almost as good as a Four-Four re-cap (pictures! videoclips! MORE JAY THAN YOU CAN HANDLE!) so you best get your lazy summer asses back here in 48. Peace, I'm out!

I think I found the best video ever.

noreply@blogger.com (The Mayor) — Fri, 10 Jul 2009 15:41:00 +0000

Every once in a while you come across a YouTube video so amazing, you need to share it with the world. Well friends, meet Jill - a child who is learning about periods. This video has it all: laughs, cuteness, gross depictions of menstrual blood, a mom with a fierce wig, learning through aggressive repetition, awesome vintage clothes and furniture, but most of all, a very charming and inquisitive little girl with Down's Syndrome (not to mention great style). Anyways, Happy Friday!!

CNTM Cycle 3, Episode 7: the one where the dogs walk on their hind legs

noreply@blogger.com (The Mayor) — Wed, 08 Jul 2009 01:59:00 +0000

Ty: Linsay can't win this. She would be the worst winner of a Top Model show ever.
The Mayor: Miss J!!!!!!
Ty: That was the most badass entrance ever. Maryam doesn't bare the skin cause it would usually equal a good snake in the sheets when she's not looking.
The Mayor: Oh god, walking around in their underwear? Chile...this is going to be a 20-minute boner for you.
Ty: I know! I should get the ice pack ready. Ewww....reeks like sex...not a nice thought. Although.....I probably wouldn't mind that smell if it meant Meghan were involved
The Mayor: Nikita walks like she's been up and down a stripper stage. I can't believe that Linsay is that natural cruising down a runway - doesn't she wear Mukluks 24-7 up in the Yukon?
Ty: “Rock the sock”. ummm...isn't that what twelve-year-old boys do?
The Mayor: Isn't that what you do? Rock the Sock? Rock the Tube Socks?
Ty: I knew you would go there
The Mayor: Ahahaha! Of course!! Dresses made out of toilet paper? Ugh, this is like a Bridal Shower. Yes!! Did you see Miss J's face when Maryam walked?!?!
Ty: Yeh. He was embarrassed for our entire country
The Mayor: Fuck! Maryam just ruined Linsay's dress! Although I guess she can't help it; terrorism is in her blood. Don't fight it, homegirl, take those bitches down!!
Ty: She was born with a grenade in her hand, just like Linsay was born with a smoke and a Blue Light in her hands
The Mayor: Just like Nikita was born with brass knuckles and a Mean Girls-style Burn Book. Oh my god, Maryam is a bitch!!! Fuck! There might be a fight in this episode!
Ty: Maryam is way too ESL for this shit. I wish that Meagan had dropped that hand
The Mayor: Look, if Meghan had dropped that hand, you wouldn't have seen anything you hadn't already seen at sleep-away camp when you were 12 years old. 12-YEAR-OLD BOY-BODY DISS!! Linsay won; she gets to pick out a new pair of Kamik Skidoo boots.
Ty: “Ewwwww...these don't smell like gasoline! There's no goose feathers in these!”
The Mayor: "She won't even understand what we're saying" - Nikita. Oh girl, stop it - you're going to put me out of a job.

Ty: “We weren't saying it in a mean way”.....right. That was totally nice of you to be borderline racist
The Mayor: "We were only making fun of her shitty New Canadian accent...that's like, way normal, right?"
Ty: Yeh. I do that to everyone I meet that doesn't speak like me. It's a Canadian tradition...just like apologizing before you do anything wrong and fucking moose
The Mayor: Oh wow, these CoverGirl shots are making those ANTM ones look good. That's not a compliment
Ty: Of all people, I understand that
The Mayor: OMG! I finally realized who Meghan reminds me of in these shots! LINDSAY LOHAN

Ty: F to the NO
A. She's not drunk
B. Her vag is clearly covered
C. She isn't a fuckin treasure map of freckles
D. She probably isn't inventing a new form of VD in her vag
E. She isn't a ginge
The Mayor: I'm sorry I just dissed your woman
Ty: I know....that's why I feel the need to beat down the Lohan
The Mayor: Ahaha - there's a girl who needs a good beat-down, a hot shower, and a shot of penicillin
The Mayor: So...they just put bangs over Nikita's...bangs? What?
Ty: Okay, honest Meagan criticism...when all the other girls are 'prettied' up, she doesn't stand out as much
The Mayor: That's right girls, drown your sorrows with booze! Ugh, Meghan is a Skinny Bones Jones. Can you admit that?
Ty: No. No I can't
The Mayor: You'd break her pelvic bone. Well...not you. But another guy might. DISS
Ty: DISS INDEED
The Mayor: I'm really on tonight
Ty: Did Jay handwrite that note?
The Mayor: An intern who gets paid in Olay soap did
Ty: I think Maryam was just giving herself a breast examination. Oooookay....who's going home? Not Linsay, that's the only sure thing
The Mayor: Okay, I'm going to go with Nikita.
Ty: Not a bad call
The Mayor: I could be way off, but I really think it's going to be Big Scunty N
Ty: I think Maryam has to go. HAS TO
The Mayor: I think the bottom two will be Nikita and Meghan
Ty: Really?
The Mayor: ZOOLANDER WALK-OFF!! Goddamn, this show is more and more Zoolander every week. What is Nikita wearing? She looks like a goddamn fool walking the ho stroll
Ty: Jay won't let this shit go! Doesn't he know that no rez folk ever get into fashion? For them, it’s a stretch to be asked to be in the SEARS catalog
The Mayor: Oh Linsay - that looks horrible. Her mouth looks like it's covered in Pepto Bismol-flavoured semen

Ty: ewwwww!
The Mayor: Maryam is so going home - her walk is a nightmare, and that shot is gross.
Ty: It is. She's dunzo. It is a weird shot
The Mayor: "It rocked my world" - Mike Ruiz. Really? WTF? Meghan is getting the shit kicked out of her. Well, homo-styles (aka General Bitchiness)
Ty: yeh. she was up against a lot. I'll console her
The Mayor: That shot looks like it was found in the back of a free weekly newspaper
Ty: Mike knows. Mike knows
The Mayor: Nikita is getting it from Tight Shirt Mike Ruiz. Ouch. Caliente.
Ty: I think he just squirted some poutine out his pooper
The Mayor: Maryam is going to fly a plane into Linsay's igloo
Ty: Two racial slurs in one sentence!
Ty: Wow. Trans am doesn't get it. She just plain doesn't get it
The Mayor: That was a gang-up. Oh man, you know what this means? Next week is the Final Three!!
Ty: can Miss Jay always be on panel?
The Mayor: Oh man, Linsay took it! You go, gas huffer! Nikita came second? What? Really?
Oh fuck, Meghan and Maryam...it's going to be Maryam for sure.

Ty: Clearly Trans Am is going home
The Mayor: You know what this means? Maryam's visa is going to expire and it's right back to Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
Ty: Next week!
The Mayor: SEASON FINALE!
Ty: Damn. I have no idea how it's going to play out
The Mayor: I'm calling Linsay.
Ty: Man, at this point it's tough
The Mayor: Pick your girlfriend, you scrub!
Ty: Okay. Fine. Meghan

As if, MTV - it's about frenching time!!

noreply@blogger.com (The Mayor) — Tue, 07 Jul 2009 02:57:00 +0000

I am hy-purr-ventilating right now out of sheer excitement because I have just received the best news known to HUMANITY. What? No, Adrien Brody didn't ask me to be joined with him in Holy Jewtrimony (...not in real life, at least. Sigh...dreams...the only place the LAPD can't issue a cease-and-desist on celebrity stalking). Anypsycho...

Oh yeah! Big News! Okay, so I was reading Jezebel and they announced that MTV will be releasing EVERY SINGLE GODDAMNED EPISODE OF DARIA ON DVD!! The bad news? I need to wait till 2010. Fuck, cammon! We can get every single piece of shit television show on dvd and yet it is taking you FOR-EV-URR to get Daria to disc? There had better be some amazing extras on that shit, because you know I am willing to wait in line and pay top dollar. Sike! I will wait outside Wal-Mart till security goes on break and then steal it. Fuck, who am I kidding? I'm going to line up and buy it.

Anyways, since MTV shot Daria, execution style, in 2002, there are like no clips on YouTube. For shame! But even if there were, I would have still posed this clip of the theme song with those terrific end-credit pictures. I used to get so excited for the end of each episode so I could guess the Pop Culture Reference. This one is great - someone has compiled a bunch of them. My favourites? Tom Sloan as Slim Goodbody, Mr. DeMartino as Divine, Jane as Flavor Flav, and the totem pole. Crap, can I just get cryogenically frozen till 2010 plz??

The Skip-Raid Interviews Mark Little

noreply@blogger.com (The Mayor) — Fri, 03 Jul 2009 02:19:00 +0000

Hello hello everyone! It's that time again for another Skip-Raid interview! Okay spoiler alert! I don't give no red-hot-nevermind if you hate reading my interviews, but this one is a big one for two reasons.
1. This is the first interview I have done that was featured on VICE
2. This is my 10th interview!!!
I know, I can hardly believe it! It seems like just yesterday I was writing obscenely threatening letters to Joe Mathlete in order to coerce him into an interview, and now I have MASSIVE CANADIAN CELEBRITIES banging down my door just to sniff my hair (anydelusion...)

Okay, so this week we sit down with the very funny, very nice comedian Mark Little. The very rare few of you will know Mark for his stand-alone acts, but the greater majority of you know Mark from the sketch group Picnicface. And those of you who are still totally clueless will know Mark from Powerthirst, which needs to be fucking buried already, please?? We get it, Powerthirst is Crystal Meth in a can. Anyways, go ahead and read that VICE article for all the questions that got chosen (and it will set up this interview for you) and then come back and read the rest (aka The shit that got cut like a man-stealing chola). Our sincerest thanks for being a real sport and answering all our dumb Qs.

Full name: Mark Thomas Little.

Occupation: I manage to get by doing stand-up shows, sketch shows, and the occasional writing job. Plus I win $25,000 like every year.

Where you live: Halifax.

I heard you were home schooled. Does your mother talk in riddles? Because all the home schooled kids I know had insane moms.
Aw man that's totally a comedy lie. I have a joke about being home-schooled which doesn't quite work as well if I say, "Imagine I was home-schooled." But yeah, I know a few kids who were home-schooled and their moms were crazy. Crazy in the way you have to be if part of your identity is a fundamental distrust of teachers.

What have you done with your $25,000? I am imagining some kind of crude Scrooge McDuck set-up.
If you're referring to Scrooge's healthy banking strategies, then yes, I'm all McDuck. If you're referring to the fully doublooned swimming pool, I'm missing the mark. (Note: I was trying to think of a way to say I put it all in the bank, and the best I could come up with was "healthy banking strategies." Yep.)

I heard that Halifax is amazing in the Summer but depressing as hell in the winter. Can you confirm this?
Confirmed. Winter is six months long and bullshit. But nobody leaves because summer is like a beautiful awakening from a long roofie nap.

Do you have a good story about losing your virginity?
I have an awful story involving a college dorm room, a bong hit (incidentally, the loss of my bong virginity as well, a moment which has since been renamed The Precursor), and a stranger. Yes, I was in college at the time. And I don't think she knew it was my first time. I carefully hid that information by lying.

Are you now too famous for Picnicface?
Definitely.

Sometimes you write a sketch that involves girls. You can approach this two ways: put on a wig and a dress (like Kids in the Hall) or make the sketch less-funny and get actual girls. Why did you choose the latter? It's not like wigs are expensive.
If this was a live interview, you could write [laughs] before my answer. But would you? Most sketch groups are all dudes and sometimes dude-time gets a little boring. That said, I played a tranny hooker in a sketch once. Wigs everywhere.

My sister is more partial to Kyle. Meh, to each his own.

What are your thoughts on Roman Danylo? (it's no secret that I fucking hate that assclown).
I haven't seen much of his stuff. Comedy Inc. was obviously terrible, but it's hard to know who to blame for that. I think I've seen one too many pictures of him topless for my liking, though.

What was your best/worst Hallowe'en costume?
I was Harry Potter for three consecutive Halloweens once. I think that answers both your questions. Actually last year I built this swarm of bees to wear over my shoulder and went as Macaulay Culkin from My Girl.

Please imagine what the most amazing tattoo would look like:
BJ Novak has a joke about wanting to get a tattoo of the Chinese symbol for cliche. I think that would be pretty great. That or a white picket fence around my bicep.

Which racist stereotype do you think makes the least amount of sense?
Ethiopians are skinny. I went there last year. Those motherfuckers is pluuuump.

Tell us an embarrassing story:
I feel like I've told a few already. I make videos for youtube that a good number of 12-year-olds enjoy. That's pretty embarrassing.

Who's talent or skill do you wish you had?
Bill Murray, Louis CK, Mike Birbiglia -- for various reasons. I wouldn't mind Demetri Martin's ability to craft perfect jokes, either. Oh, also, LeBron James.

What are your favourite television shows right now?
There's this British sitcom called Peep Show that's maybe my favourite comedy of all time. Eastbound and Down is also pretty funny. My guilty pleasure right now is True Blood. It's 90% godawful, but the cliffhangers are crazy good. Plus I'm pulling for the Paquin. It's nice to see her playing something other than jailbait. That's not a Piano reference.

Have you ever been so high you've convinced yourself that you're dying?
No.

What was the last fight you got into?
Grade 3? Dude punched my eye. Same guy who'd pulled my hair out in Grade 2.

Was there anything you were apprehensive about putting in your act or into a Picnicface video?
Only with regard to my parents. They just don't like it when I play rapists or pedophiles in the videos. They thought I was going to be a professor. Some dreams die hard.

Will you marry me? (If the answer is no, I should maybe mention that I own my own waffle maker?)
My roommate has a waffle maker so the deal has yet to be sweetened. In any case, I think I'm saving myself for an American girl so I can green card on out of here.

Your ideal sandwich:
I'm a fucking vegetarian now, so no sandwich will ever satisfy me again. If I ever kick the shit, though, I'm going straight to McDonald's for a McGangBang. (What is it, a double cheeseburger surrounding a McChicken? Amazing.)

CNTM Cycle 3, Episode 6: the one where we say goodbye to Babyvoice McGee

noreply@blogger.com (The Mayor) — Wed, 01 Jul 2009 02:52:00 +0000

Hey turds, guess what day it is today? That's right, It's CANADA DAY! And what better way to celebrate fur trade, white people treating Natives like crap, beer, maple syrup, beavers, and freezing cold Armageddon-like winters like a Canada's Next Top Model re-cap! I know, I really should be nominated for some kind of Canadian Culture Award. Oh, but I don't do it for the awards. Heart of gold, has I. Okay, let's get into it!!

The Mayor: I just yelled at a jar of pickles. I went on a Clark Griswold rant at work. "Hallelujah, holy shit! Where's the Tylenol?"
Ty: were they kosher pickles? Are you an anti-Semite?
The Mayor: They're Polski Orgorki - the pickles of my people
Ty: Your people are good people. K - models....when you leave the house, you ever think one of the girls top shelved anyone? Like...the girl that left that is.
The Mayor: Oh my god, this just got 10000x more ghetto - a shoot in the CN Tower
Ty: Oh goodness. Cancon
The Mayor: Nikita’s gonna hurl! Barf! Barf! Barf!
Ty: Is Scunty crying? Whaaaaaaaa?
The Mayor: OMG that's Rebecca?!? Wow - she actually looks worse
Ty: She looks a little more than completely different
The Mayor: PS - plastic surgery. Wow, their trip is NYC?? Oh fuck, passports?? That's like the N-word for Maryam; homegirl cringes something serious
Ty: Can't they put her in the trunk like a migrant Mexican worker?
The Mayor: I know! Throw a blonde wig on her and she's waved right through
Ty: Is this a dig at passport Canada? I never realized that Scunty has birth'n hips

The Mayor: I guess Nikita does have some big hips. Wow, this job has turned me into a Gay Man
Ty: “Maybe Obama stayed here?” Yeh...sure...maybe Obama's basketball sneaker collection was housed here
The Mayor: That SO isn't Jay's apartment - you know his home is wall-to-ceiling glitter n' mirrors
Ty: Glitter, mirrors, silver hair dye and anal beads
The Mayor: Ew, does Nikita have a tongue ring?
Ty: I wouldn't doubt it. You know....for the gritty look, not for dirty BJs. As a straight dude, I would hate that...cause as much as it might feel 'different' I would know that the tongue in question was made as such for the insertion of penis only and for sure, there had been more than one trial run
The Mayor: FUCK! Did they just say 'Richie Rich'?!?! FUCK YES!!! HEATHERETTE!!!!!
Ty: Girls changing in cabs....just like the morning after a night with me
The Mayor: Richie Rich is my idol

Ty: I'll tell you something I would do to Meaghan in 2 seconds flat
The Mayor: Ahaha - Meghan jokes - your bread and butter
Ty: Did Linsay have a tat on her ass?

The Mayor: Yes she did. Reserve tats
Ty: Injun tats. I need to go for a bit....Meghan head-bobble joke combined with Meghan in a bikini. Scunty is going to be L-A-T-E…which could stand for Loser About Town Eh? How could anyone not love Meghan?
The Mayor: Meghan is good - she's very enjoyable. What is Maryam doing? Oh, nothing. Dick to the All
Ty: Eating cereal....then barfin it up
The Mayor: SOOOOTAN!!
Ty: SUTAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE HIS SHIT. Wait....that was a little too gay
The Mayor: Sutan is off the chain. Changing haircolour? Please Sutan, visit me - my hair is diss-gross-ting. "Some people are just born cool...and I'm one of them" – Linsay. Wow, I wish. Some people are born massive dorks...and I'm one of them
Ty: Cause she was born without the 'd' as in the 'd' in 'not an In-d-an. Sutan has admirable scruff. I aspire to that. Can we just forget about Maryam? I feel like I did already
The Mayor: I know - she is such a snorefest. Ambien Express. Nole always mentions products like he's got a knife to his throat

Ty: AHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Mayor: WHAAAAAAAAT is going on there?!?! She looks like a Goth Sandra Bernhart!!!
Ty: Heather's 7 head is TOO MUCH
The Mayor: Linsay looks like the classy Rez mom who reads Cosmo. "Ah lurve me som Mike's Hard Crannbarry Lemminaids!"
Ty: Yeh, she's the one that all the little ones come to for advice on how to use salamander blood for nail polish and pine needles for eye shadow. So Maryam is going home, right?
The Mayor: I dunno - she should go home. She's a tard sandwich
Ty: With a side of Persian ESL
The Mayor: Linsay looks like she's going to our High School Prom. Did you go to prom?
Ty: I did. I hated it. And now I spend all my Spring organizing prom for the school I work at
The Mayor: Ahahaha - that's awesome. Meghan has great style. Love what she's wearing.
Ty: Me too!
The Mayor: What? This job is turning you gay. Wow, that is straight-up cut and paste - that is NOT Photoshop
Ty: Yeh. This is amateur.
The Mayor: Nikita's looks so boring…and yes, dare I say it, Urkel
Ty: she's more Eddie Winslow
The Mayor: Yeah, I can't believe I'm saying this, but her shot is the most believable
Ty: but Linsay still has green skin
The Mayor: Heather's teeth are a little Secret of NIHM
Ty: Yes. They are awful.
The Mayor: Maryam Maryam Maryam...stop talking girl

Ty: WHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAT? She doesn't get things
The Mayor: Maryam is killing me. Oh fuck, Jay?!?! How are you getting fleeced by this!?!?
Ty: Shut up J...she sucks
The Mayor: Maryam's shot was just...so....Canada's Wonderland "Make Me a Model" Booth
Ty: Did Jeanie just throw the axe down on Maryam?
The Mayor: Tru Rez Crew! Liiiiinsay
Ty: easy call
The Mayor: Gawd, Nikita loves crying. The bitchiest girls are the weepiest babies. Maryam?!?!?!!? Whoah!
Ty: WWWWWHHHHHAT??? This is dumb. She's dumb. Go make some goat shawarma

The Mayor: I wanna see Nikita freak out, Celia-style. Heather? Scuntalunt?!?!
Ty: I don't like either of these bitches, but still....this sucks. I feel a boycott coming on
The Mayor: Whoah! Heather is gone?! I predicted she'd be in the top 3! Noooooo!
Ty: Me too. Jay didn't even have anything insightful to say
The Mayor: At least now you can stalk her and make her shimmy her bony ass down your runway
Ty: She's no Meghan
The Mayor: Ahaha. Close second though. Beggars can't be choosers
Ty: True
The Mayor: MISS J!!!!!! Hells to the Yes, Ty Ty!!! You know you’re excited! GET PUMPED
Ty: I am excited. Honest. But I also have to pee

RIP Billy Mays

noreply@blogger.com (The Mayor) — Mon, 29 Jun 2009 01:29:00 +0000

God Fucking Dammit!!! What crawled up Jesus' ass that pissed him off so bad he had to start picking people off one by one?? First Ed McMahon; that's fine, the man was old and probably missed Johnny Carson all sorts of bad, so let the man have fun up in Pepaw Heaven. Next it was Farrah Fawcett, and look - this is gonna sound callous, but it's not meant to be, ok? But the woman had cancer for 3 years and she battled it tooth and nail and finally her body gave the fuck up (that's what happens - cancer wins. Cancer is a turd. It's the douchebag of the illness community). Then MJ, which SUCKS cause we have all busted our shit to Billie Jean or Thriller at least once in our lives. But Billy Mays?!? William Motherfucking Mays?!?! Mister OxyClean?! The non-Crystal Meth man's Sham-Wow Vince?!? I am actually really sad about Billy Mays, because he gave me a constant supply of amazing infomercials (and you KNOW how much I love infomercials). And to all my dick-bag friends who keep texting me and emailing me "You killed Billy Mays"...KNOCK IT OFF!! Billy Mays was a class act and it is too soon for jokes. Too soon.

In honor of Billy Mays, the classiest real-life Al Borland in a denim dress shirt, I present to you my favourite Billy Mays dub:

RIP Michael Jackson

noreply@blogger.com (The Mayor) — Fri, 26 Jun 2009 14:35:00 +0000

Look, I know that it's gonna be pretty much the status quo today that every blogger, newspaper, LOL Cat, etc will be talking about MJ's death, and - don't get me wrong, I wasn't really a fan - but something seems really sad today. It's not that the King of Pop died yesterday - to me (and most of us) that Michael died right after recording the song from Free Willy. And it's not that we're losing an international star - he was really only big in Japan and Germany, amiright? Hell, we're not even losing a talented musician; we can thank Quincy Jones for Thriller. It's that 3 kids lost their dad yesterday; 3 kids who don't really know their moms. 3 kids who don't really have a support system that is free from fame-whores and money-spongers. Hell, you know you've got it bad when the next best male role model in your life is Jermaine Dupri. And forget about all the child-touching shit - we all know he was pretty inappropriate with those kids - but on the whole he seemed like a decent dad. His kids could go to birthday parties and to the library without having a shitload of papparazzi following them (ahem - Angelina). And when push comes to shove, they will probably be fairly well-adjusted kids. But for now they have to go through the mourning of their dad, their only parent, and that's a fucking tragedy.

RIP MJ - you gave us Beat It, which in turn gave us Weird Al's Eat It, and for that I will always be truly thankful.

CNTM Cycle 3, Episode 5: the one where my cable is down and Ty has to describe the episode to me like I'm Ray Charles

noreply@blogger.com (The Mayor) — Wed, 24 Jun 2009 01:56:00 +0000

The Mayor: I can't find it!! I think my cable is down or something!
Ty: You're not checking out Dan Levy right now?
The Mayor: I can't see it!!
Ty: is your cable really down?
The Mayor: 11, 14, 20, 22 are black
Ty: Is Ted Roger Jr. fuckin your antenna? damn bitch.....that blows
The Mayor: I'm really pissed right now
Ty: you should be - this is somewhat entertaining. Meaghan just admitted to doing coke. and of course, I'm imagining where she would do a line off of...WHOA Rebbbbbeakkkkka admitted she is GAY GAY GAY
The Mayor: What? No way! Lez or bi?
Ty: I think straight up lez
The Mayor: Weird! I totally didn't get gay-vibes from her at all, but I have piss-poor gaydar. I once hit on a guy in assless chaps and a shirt that said "my other shirt is anal sex"
Ty: Heather is getting a little cocky. umm...I suck at this 'recap in chat' shit. Umm...Harry Potter commercial?
The Mayor: what, we're on a commercial?
Ty: your cable situation isn't helping. Oh god....gay Trevor is interviewing them on the red carpet
The Mayor: I love gay Trevor!!! Trevor Boris, right? I want to marry him!!! I'll be his beard
Ty: I saw him once on the TTC...he seemed pissed
The Mayor: he gave you the stink eye? nice
Ty: Linsay seemed quite intelligent...one point for the residential school system

The Mayor: She could be faking it. Like in My Fair Lady
Ty: Trevor liked Meaghan the best...I guess we something in common
you know, other than the liking balls in our face
The Mayor: Meghan is good, I'll give her that, but she talks like a sped. All I hear is "bar bar bar bar I'm Meghan"
Ty: The prize is 4gs at Holt Renfrew and scunty Nikita won.

The Mayor: WHAT?!?!!? I would give what's left of my virginity (spoiler alert: barely anything) for that
Ty: I don't think Holts wants that. I don't think Bargin Harold's wants that. Meaghan just opened up about her injuries and insecurities....I'll let you fill in my comment

The Mayor: “I'll fill her with my insecurity" is what you would say. in this case, insecurity refers to the shame you have over your very small, very inverted penis
Ty: close.....but I was going for “I wish she'd open up about the crazy vag injury I gave her and talk about how insecure she'll be when trying to find another guy like me”
The Mayor: AHAHAHAH you'd injure her with your rampant herpes. "Ow, my itchy vagina! I am very insecure about these weepy sores"
Ty: Meaghan is at the Dentist
The Mayor: time to get out The Big Book of British Smiles
Ty: now they're getting set up to do their photo shoot in pairs. they're trying to sell a phone or some dumb bullshit
The Mayor: what? this is turning into 1 big, lame commercial
Ty: Yeh, it certainly is
The Mayor: who is paired with who?
Ty: Blondies, Marayam and Linsay. how the fuck do you spell that? Miriyam?

The Mayor: Maryam. It should be Miriam...but some parents choose to be assholes
Ty: Mary Am
The Mayor: Trans Am
Ty: Will I Am. So Rebbbbekkkah is paired with scunty, and they hate each other
The Mayor: No doubt. Everybody Hates Scunty
Ty: Oh gawd....they're having a food fight in their loose fitting tops
The Mayor: what?
Ty: I need to go for awhile
The Mayor: you're getting a furious boner right now, I know it. this is what classifies as Canadian Porn - throwing food at each other while wearing shirts that are 2 sizes too big
Ty: there's usually toques involved
The Mayor: And beavers. YOU DECIDE WHICH KIND
Ty: I already have. MAKE IT STOP!
The Mayor: Are they still wrasslin?
Ty: they're getting preened for judging. Rebbbbbbeeehhhakkkka had a minor freak out. Mike looks like he's on Gay Safari
The Mayor: Mike is on the hunt for Ass-Tigers
The Mayor: speaking of ass-tigers, what are you doing for Pride?
Ty: Ummm...I haven't decided yet. I'm suffering from fatigue right now, so I need to see how much I can give.....and by give I mean take. and by take I mean take up the poop shoot
The Mayor: remember - your ass knows no bounds. let your ass be the garbage man and let it take a dozen dirty loads

Ty: Man......Heather has some broke ass teefs

The Mayor: This is some straight-up Nosferatu shit!
Ty: Meaghan stole heather's spotlight. I think Rebbbbbeeeeeekkkkkah is going home
The Mayor: Called it! I knew she was going home from last week. Who is coming in first? I'm gonna guess Meaghan
Ty: I think you're going to win
The Mayor: yeah, it's her time
Ty: Meaghan is #1 in our hearts and in judging and in my dreams. God...Linsay's skin is SOOO green!
The Mayor: Too much weed. Native weed.

Ty: We were right. Rebbbbeehhhaaakkka went home. And scunty was bouncing up and down when it was announced.
The Mayor: Really?? What a bitch!
Ty: Yeh. But that's old news.
The Mayor: Goodbye Rebekkkkkkkah. See you never!

SOMEONE PLEASE MAKE A REMIX OF THIS!!!

noreply@blogger.com (The Mayor) — Tue, 23 Jun 2009 00:55:00 +0000

I had a baby!!!

noreply@blogger.com (The Mayor) — Thu, 18 Jun 2009 00:33:00 +0000

Sort of!!! I should probably change that to I now own a baby. A baby fish, that is. You didn't think I could actually get pregnant with a human baby, did you? My uterus is filled to the brim with STDs and balloons of cocaine and chicken tetrazzini, and there is no way it would accept a selfish baby building a house inside.

Anyways, meet my little bundle of gills:

I know, right? Fucking adorable. Like a kitten stuffed into a panda. After work, a friend and I decided to go get fish. Our boss came in to our office this morning with her 6-month-old human baby and we were snuggling him and cuddling him and encouraging him to sit up and roll over and then our uteruses started burning so hard for a baby friend. So we decided to placate the ticking timebomb in our ladyparts and get some fish. Since we work downtown, the only pet store for miles is in Chinatown (TRYING SO HARD TO NOT MAKE JOKE). We each paid $9 for our children and $4 for a container of freeze-dried worms. These little fuckers love dried worms - it's like their meth. We also went to a kitchen store in Chinatown and bought $2 bowls for our new kids and a few bbq pork stuffed buns for us because it is mentally taxing to become a single mother and I had to reward myself with delicious Chinese buns.

Anyways, I'm at a loss; I don't know what to name it. Also bad news: I don't know if it's a girl or a boy. There isn't a foolproof way to guage if a fish is a girl or a boy, or gay or straight for that matter. For all I know, I could have a young Harvey Milk in my fishbowl. So what I need are some ideas on what to name it. I sort of liked Judge Judy, because if it's a girl, then that's great, but if it's a boy, then I can say that I named him after Judge Reinhold (the best!). I also like Pyjamas and Cinnamon, and I think I could also get behind Terrance. You tell me - what does this fish look like?

I know, right? I want to name it something good, like Zitty or Pooter. So send me your thoughts! Leave all possible names in the comments! Nothing will be turned down - if all you can come up with is Chuck or Nicky, well, I don't care; I need to know what to call him when I leave for the weekend. "Hey Rocky, mamas gonna go to the dunes this weekend. I left some uncooked pasta on the counter and some Skoal in the fridge. I'll be home on Monday. Luuuurve Yoooooooo!"

UPDATE! I have decided on Gil. I was reminded that Gil is the name of Bill Murray's fish in What About Bob? and is the name of my favourite Simpson's character.

CNTM Cycle 3, Episode 4: the one where the girls dance like hoochies and Rebekkah has a breakdown

noreply@blogger.com (The Mayor) — Wed, 17 Jun 2009 18:10:00 +0000

The Mayor: omg - Rebekkah is talking to her dad???? I thought she was talking to her boyfriend!!
Ty: Gross. I'm glad we got to see the girls eating. Do we get to see them ralphing next?
The Mayor: IRINA LAZAREANU!!!!!!! Amazing! My fav! Uh oh - Maryam needs some serious ESL lessons. Rebekkah is fucking annoying.

Ty: I just fell in love with Meghan even more. Cause Rebekkkkahhhh made her want to ralph. that's two ralph references!
The Mayor: Ralphie - you'll shoot your eye out!
Ty: did Mike paint that shirt on?
The Mayor: "Trying to draw charisma out of every girl" - GOOD FUCKING LUCK
Ty: I would do something ridiculous to Meaghan in a burlap sack
The Mayor: "Whaddup?" Oh Nikita. Such class.
Ty: wait....if she's dyslexic, doesn't that mean she can't read at all? or does that make me wicked ignorant?
The Mayor: Linsay reminds me of Nina Presson from The Cardigans. "I'm not as well educated". Girl, it’s a miracle you can speak the Queen's English at all.

Ty: residential school system!
The Mayor: Should I be getting turned on by Mike Ruiz?
Ty: I think he wants you to be
The Mayor: Heather just totally won me over by pronouncing all the designer names right. Channel?? CHANNEL??!?!?
Ty: Channel 12 news?
The Mayor: AHAHAH. Dwar - FUCK! These girls want to be models? They can't even pronounce common designers
Ty: wait....I'm a 20 something male and I know how to pronounce this shit! you know, because I often say....sweetheart, can you take your Dior panties off my head please...or.....I love how that Dolce dress looks on my floor
The Mayor: you wish. it's more like "damn girl, lemme try on those Dior panties!"
Ty: or...., “I can see your pubes through those busted up Old Navy drawers”
The Mayor: AHAHAHAHA
Ty: Meghan needs to stop haunting me
The Mayor: Meghan is great, Heather is great. Rebekkah is annoying. Nikita is a scunt. The rest? SNORE

Ty: Final three.....Meghan, Heather and Nikita? okay....calm down...they're in a Dermo office
The Mayor: I need to pay attention to this, cause my skin is BROKE. YES - look how close they are!?
Ty: are you having a chick boner over this?
The Mayor: yes - I can only imagine what mine would look like
Ty: I kinda want to see mine
The Mayor: I want my skin analyzed. mine would break the machine
Ty: where is this place? can I write that off you think? Olay ad!
The Mayor: I want to take that Olay online quiz - although my Dermo has already told me not to use stuff from the drugstore. Rebekkah is going home
Ty: 'I can feel people watching me' ummm.....yes, they're called your demons
The Mayor: what a loser
Ty: Yeh...she's totes going home. Nikita is heartless
The Mayor: oh man, crying in the utility closet - it's like they've been spying on me!
Ty: ha! Tara’s skin looks worse than ever now that I know to focus on it
The Mayor: Oh my god...did they put the only black girl in black-face? Oooooh...that's racist!

Ty: is there such thing as brown face? Or Asian face?Meghan....I'll give you a reason to cover up your mouth

The Mayor: did Meghan just say her mom would make her practice smiling with her eyes??! Made Up Story Time
Ty: are you getting sick of these Meghan comments?
The Mayor: Rebekkah stayed there? what? ugh, get over it
Ty: did Nikita just pick up her gitch? does that imply that she runs around without it?

The Mayor: Ew - nice massive neck zit, Rebekkah
Ty: maybe it's an anxiety zit. Or an 'I'm a big weirdo' zit. or a 'I'm unique, but only because I hate myself' zit
The Mayor: whatever, I want to see it popped
Ty: of course you would. Pimple popper m.d. Tara is going home. Just sayin. Mostly for racial reasons. To continue the 'brown cut-down'.
The Mayor: I’m gonna say Tara is hitting the pavement tonight
Ty: I already said that! - you must have been getting a wang in the pooper when I mentioned that
The Mayor: I am. Ow! knock it off, Tito!
Ty: Nikita is fuckin good

The Mayor: yea, I'll admit it. Whoah, Tara - way to mess up something so fucking simple. Linsay just 1/2 macked on Jay
Ty: Jay doesn't get down with the wigwam love
The Mayor: AHAHAHAHHAAHA. He'd rather take a teepee to the papoose
The Mayor: omg - Meghan’s little dance - adorable!
Ty: Meaghan......I'll give her experience working with her mouth
(you saw that coming)
(maybe she will too)
(booya)
(!!!)
The Mayor: (I get it!!!) how you did you become the rude one? you're the classy one. you're showing me up
Ty: I am? oh....was that in my contract? maybe you need to amp up your love for Mike
The Mayor: this would be so much easier if Nigel Barker was around. I'd be so much easier if Nigel Barker was around
Ty: fill in the blank: I would like to ____ on Mike's rippled chest and _____ in his Quebecois face
The Mayor: um....shit and fart?
Ty: boooo!
The Mayor: what would you have put!
Ty: 'run my fingers over like a book of Braille' and 'breathe the scent of poutine and liberal politics'
The Mayor: Wow- that's sexual. I know what you're dreaming of tonight
Ty: Linsay, the judges feel that they needed a 2nd last and you lost the coin toss
The Mayor: Linsay, we needed to scare your Indian ass into working harder
Ty: were those the sounds Jay makes when....wait...I AM the dirty one!
The Mayor: you are.

Chicken Tetrazzini

noreply@blogger.com (The Mayor) — Sun, 14 Jun 2009 22:54:00 +0000

Okay, so just watch this clip from The Soup:

Now you need to watch this. This is my ringtone, my kitchen timer, the 1st dance song at my wedding, the lullaby I will sing to my children, the song I want played as they lower my ass 6 feet into the ground. Please watch this before it blows up and your Mom is emailing you a link in an email that says "have you heard about Chicken Parmigan?? I LOL-ed so hard!!! It's better than Rick Astley Rolling!"

I have seriously watched this remix about 40 times since Friday. As I type this, I'm actually drawing out a tattoo that reads PAWL LOVE IT drawn in script over a plate of chicken tetrazzini. FUCK!! I want that tattoo! If you draw it out and scan it in, I will (strongly consider) get it on my arm. Or neck. Neck seems like a good choice.

I Dreamed a Dream (with Zits)

noreply@blogger.com (The Mayor) — Fri, 12 Jun 2009 01:55:00 +0000

My sister and I are pretty well known for having bizarre dreams; I have mentioned this before. We even had a blog about it way back in the day (but, due to extreme laziness on both our parts, it fell by the wayside). Anyways, I had an awesome dream a couple of nights ago and I thought I'd share.

Okay, so I keep having this reoccurring dream where I miss too many classes and I can't graduate University - and this is totally gay cause I graduated University 3 years ago, so there is no reason that I should have weird school dreams, but I have this dream at least once a month. This dream borrows on that theme, but it's set in present day. I get a call from my high school and they tell me that, due to a computer glitch, I am missing 2 credits and that if I don't come back and re-take the classes, then I will get fired from my job and will have no hope of finding another one. Apparently a lot of high schools had this problem and they're calling back all their students from a specific graduating year. So my boss at work was like "okay, go back, take your two classes, re-graduate, and come back in like 2 months or whatever and we'll see you soon".

I packed up my shit and moved back to my old town. My parents don't live there anymore, so I decided to sublet an apartment and make the best of it. On my first day back, it was so weird - a full school of 15-18 year olds and then like, 100 25-year-olds. For the most part, the kids ignored us - we were just "that year that had the computer fuck-up" so we had our own wing and our own lunch room. Anyways, everyone from my graduating year was back, including the losers who still live in that shitty small town. They were so excited because Wal-Mart and the gas station gave them a leave of absence so they could come back to high school and re-live their glory years. This one guy pulled up in his truck on the first day and started crying and shouting "I'm home! I'm home! This is the happiest day of my life!!!" I was like "fuck this, I wish I could be doing this online" and started rolling in to class in the morning mostly drunk. It didn't matter - all we had to do was take 2 bullshit courses (like, Canadian History or Ecology or something) so you didn't have to be smart or awake.

There was this guy I didn't recognize so I asked a friend who he was. They told me he only came to our school for 2 weeks, but it was when the glitch happened, so technically he needed to repeat the classes at our school and not at the school where he graduated. He was super hot and really funny and cute, but he has HORRIBLE acne. He was instantly adopted by the popular kids (who all re-joined together, but mostly cause they all never left town and still work together at Tim Hortons). I can't remember his name in the dream, so let's just call him Brad. They would always say the same thing: "Oh my god, Brad is so funny! It doesn't even matter that he has terrible acne!" They were constantly mentioning his skin. Even teachers were saying shit like "Brad's a really sharp guy; you almost forget about his skin!"

Anyways, one day Brad sits beside me and goes "Listen, I know that even without my horrible skin I'd probably still be hanging out with the cool kids, but I need to let you know that I'm not like them".

"What? Oh, yeah, sure. I don't give a shit. I'm not happy I'm here doing this make-up class nonsense. So whatever. Do you want something?"

And he keeps pressing me going "I'm not a dickbag, I'm serious. I'm a lot cooler than these hicks. I just needed a group to join, that's all".

"Again, I don't give a fuck."

So he sighs and goes "fine. Maybe this will change your mind" and he slips me a piece of paper with a pencil drawing on it. I turn it over and it's a hand jerking off a can of Diet Coke. There were the up/down lines and everything. Any normal person would look at it and see a person shaking up a can of soda, but I saw a dick joke in it. Why? Because I have major issues is why and I can turn anything normal into something inappropriate. So I look at him and go "will you marry me?" and he says "yes. I was waiting for you to say that forever".

And then I wake up.

Okay, anyone who has had contact with me over the past week could easily analyze this dream. The high school stuff is based on me talking about my 10-year High School reunion. There is this girl I went to high school with who has been planning it for the past like, 4 years (get a life) and I mentioned to someone that I don't want to go because I don't think I could control my asshole-ness at it. I would probably say something about how I'm so happy I didn't get pregnant by my high school boyfriend who now works for a landscaping company and totally ruined my life, and I'd end up insulting 60% of the girls there, so it just wouldn't be worth it. Plus, Facebook lets me know who is successful and who is a fucking loser, so I don't need a reunion to talk about how awesome high school was and how it was the best years of our lives (seriously? Get over it).

The guy with really bad skin is based on a waiter we had last Thursday when we went out for dinner after my sister's graduation. He had HORRIBLE skin and I told my mom that I want to marry someone like that because I love dermatology and zits and stuff and we would be perfect for each other: he has zits that need to be picked, I love picking zits - it's a match made in heaven, really.

The coke-can jerking off? Well, that's probably in reference to Zach Galifinakis from The Hangover in the scene where he is manipulating the baby's arm to make it look like he's beating off. Gross, but also sort of funny.

Okay guys, see you on Monday. Have a great weekend! Masturbate a Diet Coke can for me!

CNTM Cycle 3, Episode 3: The one where Nikita is a bitch and Ebonie is delusional

noreply@blogger.com (The Mayor) — Wed, 10 Jun 2009 02:56:00 +0000

Ty: WOW - this is a little sexual
The Mayor: Whoah! Tara! Jizz on the face much?? Rebekkah looked like a tard. This is like a fucking MySpace photo shoot.
Ty: looks like a tard? more like a card carrying Tardclub member (they get discounts on suspenders)
The Mayor: Nikita is a fucking biiiiiiiiiiich! Pfft - you are a failure. Betty Draper is actually doing well! Meghan is the CNTM Allison.

Ty: Oh shit. That's totes Betty.
The Mayor: These look like the Juergen Teller for Marc Jacobs. Good job Lens-aye.
Ty: Gamgam can't eat fruit! it gives her the runs. The scoots.
The Mayor: Ahahahah - fruit is nature's broom. Ebonie is from Bahamas?? What is she, Rihanna? Fuck - Maryam doesn't have a visa or a passport or something. Did Nikita just say shit balls dick fuck?

Ty: I suppose....is she a terrorist? Nikita is class, pure class.
The Mayor: Fuck, who DOESN'T have a passport?? It takes all of 30 minutes to wait in line and apply. THANK YOU Linsay - I have no sympathy for tards.
Ty: WAIT - did you see that animated Jay looking like the big dude from Prozzak?
The Mayor: Nassau, Bahamas - courtesy of iTravel2000.com...call 1-866-wow-deal (and get away for less)
Ty: Jonathon Carroll going to be there?
The Mayor: I wish! That man is haaaaaaat! Fuck, have none of them ever been on a vacation before?
Ty: Nole could easily pass for a migrant worker
The Mayor: This shoot is going to be all kinds of boring Castaway Brides?? The fuck? Ooh! I want that dress.
Ty: All these ugmo photographers just make Nigel look better - and kill my dream of becoming a photographer just to pray on the bruised egos I create with my stinging criticism of their modeling abilities.
The Mayor: Tara fucked uuuup.
Ty: 'model pain'? is that like, the pain of your boobs disappearing
The Mayor: The pain of never having a period again?

Ty: Wait.....is Linsay an Injun? is that why there's no D in her name?
The Mayor: wait - who punched who?
Ty: Linsay apparently did.
The Mayor: Rebekkah CLEARLY has Rain Man-levels of Autism. Like you! Jokes.

Ty: Yeah! I would love to be Rain Man...I could freak out at any time and get out of any situation. Like....'ahhhhhhhh.....a phone bill! I hate those...ahhhhhhhh' and then Charlie would show up and make it go away. Did you get that Linsay thing? That she grew up on a reserve? North of Edmonton?
The Mayor: She did? She's a Gas-Sniffer? A Boozer, a User, and a Loser?...wait, that's Jerri Blank
Ty: Bitch is gonna get swept away like a hipster haircut.
The Mayor: "fuck! she cried! that bitch!" you said it, guuuurl. "Heather...Meghan...." no kidding - you two are interchangeable
Ty: yes. I dream about both equally
The Mayor: rude!! nobody needs to imagine you and your j-mail
Ty: I had something ruder typed, but I got some flack for being too crass last week. I think it was the hands down my pants line.
The Mayor: What? I loved the hands down the pants line! Ebonie's ego is getting out of hand - she's defs going to be in the bottom two this week
Ty: So....I have a bit of a thing for Meagan now. It's not the braces...I have no desire to feel what it would be like to lick R2D2. I think it may be the ears.
The Mayor: Okay, I am seriously involved with a bag of Jalapeno Jack from Kernels
Ty: Involved to the point where you're going to introduce them to your parents?
The Mayor: Oh yeah, jalapeno jack is the fucking shit.

Whoah!!! Ebonie's face is ICK! NAST! Oh fuck, Ebonie! No!!!! You're gone girl!!!!!
Ty: It looks grotesque...how could that be anything but a fucking horrendous criticism? No one says 'actually I disagree' in an island accent and gets away with it.
The Mayor: Oh Linsay - what's with the bangs? Girl needs some lessons
Ty: Lessons on buying Rez smokes?
The Mayor: Rebekkah's is great, but she thought about a dead dog? Uh....so, she's a virgin then? Meghan looks like Zuul from Ghostbusters.

Ty: Don't leave me Meagan! Wouldn't be the first time I said that to a girl from Winnipeg...oh gawd...too much personal pain!
The Mayor: uh....what?
Ty: I'm becoming too real!!!
The Mayor: So clearly there is a Meghan out there with an airtight restraining order on you.
Ty: Airtight....
The Mayor: Am I missing something? Do you get down on the brown (liquor, that is)? That's a native joke; they love brown liquor. Maryam's is like...meh.
Ty: Can we stop the use of 'kudos'?

The Mayor: Nikita-Bitchita - wow - that is so Corpse Bride but in a terrible, lazy way.
Ty: that was great 'suck it up and do the job' I use that line ALL THE TIME (the caps make it more believable, right??)
The Mayor: Yeah - it definitely doesn't make me think you say it to yourself while you're bent-over on your bed trying to auto-fellate yourself. Ooooooh - TOO CLOSE TO HOME. But you have, right? all guys try it. Don't lie. YOU SO HAVE!!! and recently, I bet.
Ty: I'm sure we all tried it once
The Mayor: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA
Ty: But unless you have a rib and some vertebrae removed, there's really no point in trying again it's not like you grow the ability to do it over night maybe that's why guys go to yoga
The Mayor: Rebekkah is going to get #1 this week. Linsay – meh. Ebonie - meh meh. OMG - she is so Edith Piaf!!!
Ty: she is. totes
The Mayor: Nikita is a straight-up scunt.
Ty: but...she'd probably be crazy in bed which, you know, makes up for things....always
The Mayor: Oh yeah, but she'll make your dick itch - trust
Ty: Just like a big wang makes up for all the shitty things guys do, right?
The Mayor: Absolutely
Ty: okay....so who's going! EBONIE!
The Mayor: Nikita or Ebonie. Jay hates Nikita, so ...it's a toss up Heather?!?!?!?! THE FACK? Meghan next? What?
Ty: Should have been female Raymond Babbitt oh god...I just had a moment
The Mayor: Maryam now? Whoah, Rebekkah is getting she shaft. HEY-O (dick joke).
Ty: Meaghan...'I would totally be down for that' - I can think of so many things I would like that to be the answer to.
The Mayor: knew you were going to say that. Nikita??? Did we already forget about her being a massive bee-sting??
Ty: brown cut-down! Ebonie looks 40+

The Mayor: Erm - this is turning into Canada's Next Top White Model. It's gonna be Tara. HOLLA!!!!!!!!!! Ebonie is going back to folding sweaters at Talbots! She is PISSED - look at her. If looks could kill, she'd have burned down urrbody in there are motherfucking Carrie White.
Ty: Whateves...Ebonie was going to start putting on weight really soon. and that would have been awkward for everyone PANIC ATTACK next week! Fun! other's public pain is great
The Mayor: I know - I live for this Rebekkah is going to start thinking of her dead Shi-Tzu and then it's all downhill.

A Very Lazy Canada vs. Merica

noreply@blogger.com (The Mayor) — Mon, 08 Jun 2009 13:31:00 +0000

I haven't done a good Canada vs. Merica post in a while. It's not that I don't like doing them (I do!) but it's so hard to come up with interesting Canada vs. Merica comparisons. I mean, it's easy to do the old "Mericans are fat lazy stupid religious racist homophobes who live at Wal-Mart, and Canadians are spineless culture-less boring pussies" but who want's to retread that old chestnut? Exactly. It's like that old "Black guys drive like this/White guys drive like this" joke, which is funny and everything, but not exactly new. Anyways, I have a good one planned for this week (or next?) but I'm kind of behind on things to begin with. I am up to my eyeballs in interviews (I have 3 that I should have written yesterday...and didn't...because I chose to bake cookies instead) but I promise you will get more out of me this week than a Canada's Next Top Model post (which I PROMISE-PROMISE I will be doing tomorrow with our good friend Ty. I ditched him last week, and I won't be doing it again).

Anyways, today's C vs. M is a little convoluted, but it works. Okay, so last week my sister and I were at Value Village. For my Canadian readers, you know that Value Village is the Mecca of second-hand shit. You can get the best clothes there and like, 90% of the people I know have furnished their home completely with things from VV. It has many nicknames: VV Boutique, The Illage, Village du Valeur (en Francais) but mostly people just rush the words together like Vallavillage. Now, in Merica, you have the exact same thing (it's owned by the same company) called Savers. I know, it doesn't have the same ring to it as Value Village; Savers sounds like a place where single moms go to buy off-brand diapers, and Value Village sounds like a quaint little hamlet where people go to purchase special treasures. Plus, Value Village doesn't have homeless men defecating in the aisles (ahem...Goodwill).

But I will say this about Value Village - they aren't picky with what they sell. For instance, one time I saw a dress with vomit all down the front. I told my sister about it and she goes "Oh yeah! That purple one! That was gross!" and I was like "Uh...no, this one was beige. You mean there are two dresses in this store that are covered in vomit?" Also, the picture frame section is amazing. Not only do they not remove the picture inside, like this one:

Need I remind you that this was in someone's house? I'd really like to imagine this was taken on their honeymoon in Nassau (mildy appropriate) and not on a family vacation (wildly innappropriate). And sometimes you get a frame with the original picture in it...sort of:

"Madison! We don't talk like that. It's Please take me to ice cream." But I love the idea of getting on someone's shoulders like Master Blaster and kicking them in the ribs and shouting "H'yah! To the living room! I desire television!!" Unfortunately, I'm 5'11, so the chance of me finding someone tall enough and strong enough to carry me on their shoulders limits me to a Gheorghe Mureşan / Manuel Uribe hybrid.

Anyways, the second part of this C vs. M is dedicated to my boss who just returned from a vacation in California and brought me back some Tylenol PM. We don't actually have this in Canada, and it's a damn shame. It's really a simple drug: 10 parts regular Tylenol to 1 part sleeping pill. That's it. It will take away a headache or sore back and will lull you off to sleep. It's genius, and yet the Canadian FDA doesn't think it's safe or some bullshit. And yes, it's true that Americans self-medicate mroe than anyone else on this planet, there is something to be said for practicality. I find that regular Tylenol keeps me awake; that means that if I have a splitting headache, I have the choice to a) go to bed and try to fight my way through it or b) take a Tylenol and stay up till 2am. Nonsense. Plus, have you ever had Neo-Citran? It's Tylenol PM in liquid lemon form. Canada can be so backwards sometimes.

Big-ups to my sister today!

noreply@blogger.com (The Mayor) — Thu, 04 Jun 2009 13:35:00 +0000

Today my sister is graduating from University aka Art School aka Not A Real University. I joke! I joke cause I went there too. I won't name names, but it's the very famous Ontario art school that takes 20 grand and gives you exciting job opportunities such as: waiter, swing-shift manager at H&M, professional bum, and drug dealer. I know, right? Amazing! Anyways, she actually worked much harder than I did when I went there, and because of that I have put on my Sunday Best and will be sitting through 5 hours of name-calling and honorary degree-giving.

So what's today's post about? Uh...I'm not sure...here's a picture of a shirtless Russel Brand to placate you. Enjoy!

CNTM Cycle 3, Episode 2: Random Thoughts w/ Ty

noreply@blogger.com (The Mayor) — Wed, 03 Jun 2009 13:35:00 +0000

Okay, so last night Ty and I didn't watch CNTM together; he was at his house, I was at an ice cream party. The upside was that ice cream is delicious. The downside is that we only have notes from one of us today. Sorry! Originally I asked Ty to send me his thoughts on last night's episode and I would add to them but honestly? His comments were way funnier than I could have thought up, even though at times he is so off-topic that it's like reading a CNTM essay by Rain Man. So sit back and enjoy all that is Ty being funny, while I silently cry because I can't think up new jokes.

When did this become a Crest commercial? Nole's authentic enthusiasm for product placement rivals his enthusiasm for coochie.

So who's going home? I bet on Jill - she loves the cock more than she loves modeling. Looking at the group after make-overs is really underwhelming - Jill looks even more like a tart - I love that word, tart. When Jshe looks at her self in the mirror she sees the shadows of balls resting on her chin. Jill's roots are more tragic than a little girl AND a puppy stuck down a well - question: aren't roots to girls super embarrassing? Isn't it akin to having a treasure trail? So, over under.....how many dicks has Jill sucked: 35 - over/ under? I'm going to go with over.

Obviously Jay's learned a little bit of drama / narcissism from Tyra - violation of the fashion code? Isn’t this a little old? How many times have 'fashion crimes been mentioned and used as an incredible boring vignette or the entire basis for a show (Clinton, I'm looking at your flaming ass)? Jay hates the word fierce? How does he survive Tyra? Man, he must have a serious drinking problem.

I hate that they're in the Holt's on Bloor - this whole Toronto thing takes away all the mystic from the show, like, I feel as if I have somewhat of a chance with these girls (especially Jill - I could convince her I play for the leafs or maybe she'd been impressed if I even know what the 'leafers' are or that I have leaf in my car that blew in during the fall and even though it's June, it's still stuck under my passenger side floor mat - she'd like that). God - this entire show makes me want to move out of Toronto. Oh fuck - the AGO? I HATE that I've been exactly where there's a photo shoot - did you know that I get into the AGO for free? Shit yes I do.

Linsay's skin looks green - I mean, there's olive, but......she's closer to pickle.

Maryam is going to win - hands down (my pants!) - wait...gross, you don't need to know that and come to think of it....she kinda freaks me out, she looks like an extra from the Scorpion King.

Meaghan looks so much less 'Winni' with her blonde do - did you know that we call queen and Bathurst 'little Winnipeg'? Or 'mini winni' for short? Nothing beats a good native people joke - the braces must be seriously setting off some dude's fetish to have his wiener dragged through a barbed wire fence, either that or to relive high school.

Ebonie looks like someone's mom - who's going to pick the kid's up from soccer practice and fall asleep watching Jag reruns. Ebonie totes shops at Smart Set.

Rebeccah...ummm....

Very few girls can pull off that incredi-short bang look- Nikita isn't one of them. Man, nothing is classier than a short banged 'Muppet' swearing all over the place - I'm sure Fozzie's comedy routine would have worked a lot better if he could drop f bombs like it was the bizarro cold war. Umm....also...was Nikita on the can? Man....fetish hounds are going to love this shit - ha!

Why are they all calling their moms? This makes them even more accessible / unattractive.

Wow - a build an outfit challenge at H&M? How much do you want to bet that their outfits fall apart at the seams before Jay can even look at them? I swear that Madonna must pee on those clothes or something - everything I have ever bought from there loses it shape like a post marriage suburban wife after the first wash.

Does that one dude have 10 abs? Is that possible? Where does the food go? Do you think those male models get tired of flexing? Isn't it so much easier to be a girl model? I mean, all you need to do is not eat - dudes, they have to do a lot of work.

Picnicface!!

noreply@blogger.com (The Mayor) — Sun, 31 May 2009 23:33:00 +0000

First things first, remember back to Friday when I said that I might have some big news today? The big news is that I was asked by VICE magazie to write for their blog. I know! Whoever thought that the littlest shitstorm that could (The Skip-Raid) could help me to get a job. Anyways, that's my big news. I haven't written anything yet, so when I do, you know I will be pimping it out like a shiny new hooker on the ho stroll. Moving on - I actually have a post for you today.

Okay, so in general, I'm not a fan of Sketch Comedy. It's just so degrading; everyone is making those stupid "get it??" faces the whole time and laughing at cryptic inside-jokes that the audience wouldn't get even if they were there when the joke was created. Ugh, and don't get me started on Improv; watching improv is sadder than watching a sack full of puppies get run over by Hitler's car.

However.

I LOVE Picnicface. And yes, I am fully aware that they are considered a 'sketch troupe'. EW! Don't you shudder at the word troupe?!? It's so lame! Anyways, where was I going with this? Oh yeah, bokay. So Picnicface is alright with me. They are based out of Halifax (a place I wants to move very badly) and make funny videos for YouTube. Also, if you're Canadian and over the age of 20, you might recognize one of the members; that's right, it's Andy from Street Cents!! And if you're American, and didn't get that reference at all?. No worries, I'm gonna try to do a Street Cents post sometime soon to explain it. It was a great show. Maybe I'll also throw in some Jonovision too.

Anyways, Picnicface has made a tonne of videos, so I have tried to narrow it down to a few of my favourites. These are the ones I could watch over and over again. The videos below are all dedicated to Joey (who introduced me to Powerthirst), Ilana (who lived in Halifax and went to see them all the time), and Nathan and Stephanie (who know how teary-eyed I get when I think about how much Hey Africa! we used to watch). I've also listed what I think are some of the funniest lines from each, so if you don't have time to watch each clip (dick) then you can use my handy Quotable-Quotes to replace all your outdates Borat phrases. Enjoy!

Powerthirst
This is the one that really started it all, I guess, and with good reason - it's hilarious. You've probably seen this 20 times, but in the off-chance that you haven't, here it is.
Quotable-Quotes:
"Sound the alarm - you're going to be UNCOMFORTABLY ENERGETIC."
"These aren't your dad's puns...these are energy puns. TURBOPUNS!"

Powerthirst 2: Re-Domination
This is the follow-up to the very successful Powerthirst (see above, dumbass). Anyways, is this one funnier? Please see the joke about Crystal Meth (you know that I can't pass up a good meth joke).
Quotable-Quotes:
"You've had the worst, now have the thirst....quencher!"
"JUICE SPRINGSTEEN!"
"Powerthirst: it's like Crystal Meth in a can! It's Crystal Meth in a can! Powerthirst is Crystal Meth."

NFL Crunchtime
I must have watched this one the most out of any Picnicface video. Although I have a very hard time convincing people that NFL Crunchtime is funny; I usually get blank stares. Maybe they just don't get all the prison rape jokes or the Shawshank references.
Quotable-Quotes:
"Does that jersey come in mens? Does that face come in mens? Does your mom come in mens? (I wanna sex your dad)"
"The Tennis Crotch"
"Time to switch pee with your maid. Better hope she had a background check. Arriba! Am I right? GIMME YOUR PEE, ROSA!" "J'ess, meester muscles"
"Or assert yourself and become the rapist. You're a big guy, you played football. Take advantage of that"
"Ask the warden's wife if she wants to ride the pony-snake all the way to Tunatown. If she doesn't answer immediately, she wants it. Or she doesn't know where Tunatown is."

Hey Africa!
I will admit - this one take a while to get to the joke, and even then, the joke starts to get a little sour. I don't make it all the way to the end (but I don't think I should hold it against them). I'd say that on any given day of the week, I usually have the Hey Africa! song stuck in my head.
Quotable-Quotes:
"Heyyyyyy Africa! Cheetas? Scary?"
"Heyyyyyy Africa! What about a little puma?"
"Africa...still curious about this puma."

Real Zone!
I want to marry Mark so bad. I would also marry Kyle in a pinch. I wouldn't marry Andy because he's not my type. So I'm really hoping Mark (or to a lesser extent, Kyle) doesn't come down with the Super-AIDS anytime soon.
Quotable-Quotes:
"The first time I saw a digital camera, I was like whaaaaaaaaat is this? Real."
"I wrote it to accommodate Andy Bush's racism!"
"Your voice goes lower when you talk about Asians cause you hate them so much!"
"I'm going to go hate more Asians."

Women in Comedy
I hate when people try to make a statement about women not making funny comedians. IT'S TRUE! We're terrible at stand-up! There have only been, like, 5 that don't make me ashamed to be a lady (and I'm counting Silverman as 3 people here). So this sort of plays off that. Because it's true - Evany and 'The Other One' are mostly just filler. Picnicface should have just gone the Kids in the Hall route and bought some wigs and dresses and done the lady parts themselves (Mark can do my ladyparts. HEY-O!)
Quotable-Quotes:
"Aw shit man, that's why they call you the Bone Wolf!"
"It's a boom mic." "It's a bang mic."
"Guess who...your period!"

Halifax
This one doesn't have a solid, funny-throughout vibe, but it does have select spots that are very clever. For example: making fun of the Halifax explosion.
Quotable-Quotes:
"Splodey! I'm tragidorable! A dig-dig-dig-dig-tragedy!"
"Halifax is a SEX KNIGHT!"
"Halifax's favourite A-Team character was VAN."

He Totally Jewed Me
How do you top an inappropriate joke about 'jewing' someone? With an even more offensive joke about pedophilia. Very uncomfortable to watch (except for that joke at the end - amazing).
Quotable-Quotes:
"That is horse SHIT"
"Soooooo...he gave me the green light."
"Answer me these questions three. Question the first: will I diddle you? Question two and three: refer to question one."

Lawyers
I don't love this one, but you need to watch it in order to get the context of the joke below.
Quotable-Quotes:
"Poor? I'll sue poverty, give you the money, take the money as my fee, put you back on the streets."
"Fuck Away!"

Larry Rosen Bonus Footage
Goddamn, this whole sketch is an entire Quotable-Quote. There isn't anything not funny about it. My sister and I went to a massive garage sale on Saturday and one of the guys running it was shouting like Shuck Johnson - it was amazing. He kept yelling about the amazing deals and who bought what and was rhyming it all.
Quotable-Quotes:
"I gotta give a shout-out to my man Larry! Thanks for picking me up off the street, Larry!"
"Taste my meat-fingers of justice! Wheelbarrows of fuck-money finger-justice, all for you!"
"If the truth hurts, then call me the truth...huh huh ho."
"I'll sue the paint off your overalls, Murphy Brown's in-house lover!"

If you should die before you wake...

noreply@blogger.com (The Mayor) — Thu, 28 May 2009 13:38:00 +0000

Hey, you remember that Clown Bed that Homer made for 2-year-old Bart on The Simpsons?

Yeah! That one! Now, don't get me wrong - that's the creepiest bed I've ever seen, especially since I have a crippling fear of clowns (and no, smartass, I've never seen It). But you know what's just-as-creepy, not-as-quoted from that episode?? Grandma Flanders wandering the halls and screetching at Bart "Can ya help me with mah psalms?!?" Anyways, have you ever reminiced about the Clown Bed and thought "If only someone would make it much, much more visually, soul-shakingly distrubing..."

Tah-dah! Jesus hears your prayers and he answers them - PROOF. This picture was sent to me by a long-time reader (a-thank you) and when I saw it, I actually recoiled a little. That face - Santa Maria! It's like Bart's bed mated with Salad Fingers. That poor cat - imagine its jagoff owners? I can only imagine (judging solely on the bed and the shitty half-plastered wall behind it) that they are two complete shroom-head Juggalos. How do I know this? I dunno - I'm just judgemental I guess.

Anyways, I felt like I needed a little preamble first to hype yo asses up. There won't be a post tomorrow at all; the next post (a good one) will be Monday. Just like my sister noted a few days ago, I haven't been updating much this week (especially with all thet Jon & Kate escandalo business) but I have a VERY GOOD REASON for this, which I will announce on Monday. Get ready for it kids! You will be pumped, I promise. Very big news.

Okay, that's it. Git off mah lawn!

- The Mayor

CNTM Cycle 3, Episode 1

noreply@blogger.com (The Mayor) — Tue, 26 May 2009 22:45:00 +0000

Well! We're back again, for the 3rd time EVER! Canada's Next Top Model is like a Leap-Year - it only happens every 4 years, and when it does, it's pretty uneventful. Anyways, if you are Canadian, then you will get 100% of the jokes in these CNTM posts. And if you're American? Well - you might need to refer to any of my Canada vs. America guides, because this shit is chock-full of Canadiana. JK - it's mostly just filled with crappy SEARS-grade models and too much Jay Manuel. Okay, so first off, I think I need to stress what The Cycle 3 girls are up against:
Yep, that's CNTM Cycle 1 winner Andrea Muizelaar. Stiff competition, am I right? All they need to do is avoid eating an entire bag of Oreos before bed each night and I think they can easily surpass Andrea in terms of success and booking jobs. I wish I could say that this picture is a tragic victim of my piss-poor photoshop skills, but sadly - this is a current picture. Yipes. Anyways, let's talk turds!

The Mayor: "Thousands and thousands of girls applied" - so, like, 2000 then?

Ty: Yep. High schools are bigger than that. Man...there's some bad ass skin in this set.

The Mayor: I know! I hope one of the challenges involves Proactiv. Holy shit, how old is that woman in the hood? 40?

Ty: I think she's lost...she was probably the cleaning lady from the building just out for a smoke. Why can't this frog have a right-on lumberjack accent? That would be hot; like....je suis le poutine.
The Mayor: I love poutine. I also love Boris beers. NOLÉ!!!!! Fuck yes, you know I love me some Nolé!!!! Wait - braces??? Did you see braces? YES!!!! 80'S GLAMOUR!!! This is the photoshoot Jesus will give me in Heaven.

Ty: Is someone shooting this on their digital camera? The film looks rather Cancon’esque. I feel like they might sell 'cancon' film in film stores.

The Mayor: I have already made three good comparisons.
Jill looks like a Hooters girl:

Linsey looks like a broke-ass Rumer Willis:
The Mayor: And Rebeccah looks like the picture you would find in an antique locket from Value Village:
Also, I made a note of their "occupations" and here is the breakdown:

Ty: K. I'm ready for a lot of 'students'

The Mayor: Sales/Retail (4), Student (5), Receptionist (2). OMG - this bitch is terrible.

Ty: Who's this one? The blondo?

The Mayor: Jill is porn porn porn. She handles that snake like it’s a dick.

Ty: I feel like I could convince her that the secret to modeling is hidden down my pants.

The Mayor: Maryam is like Wynona Ryder. I LOVE THAT WOLF!! I would be snuggling it's brains out.

Ty: K, so I am predisposed to hate Meaghan...just a warning.

The Mayor: Meaghan needs to get rid of those mouf-tracks. Nikita is terrible.
Ty: 'It's a snake honey' - sounds like being 15 again

The Mayor: Tara doesn't get what the hell is going on. Alexandra looks like a broke mob wife.Rebecca is a hipster wet dream. She's like a lady Robert Smith.

Ty: When someone says 'specific type of model' doesn't that mean ugly?

The Mayor: It means "good luck trying to get work". Does that bobcat have 1 eye?

Ty: Maybe it's trying to wink at Nigel.

The Mayor: I'd like to wink at Nigel...with my brown eye! EW.

Ty: EWWWW! (if you can do that, you don't need to be broke...ever)

The Mayor: Whatever - don't act like you wouldn't let Nigel go downtown.

Ty: Ummm....I suppose you're right. So....this Linsay chick has at least a scrot...

The Mayor: Oh for sure - there's a wiener down there.

Ty: Maybe the balls are gone, but there's some 'man' around her can.

The Mayor: Heather? Bokay...

Ty: Heather has a Nicole Kidman thing going on.

The Mayor: They're staying at the Soho Met? BROKE!

Ty: I have a better view from my deck

The Mayor: I have a better view from my toilet. Whoah - that's the gayest mural of Jay. My friend Ilana just texted me "Free sample-sizes of Pantene - I must be a super star or sumptin!" AHHHHH I LOVE SEALS!!1!!! I WANT IT!!

Ty: Turn down the chick.

The Mayor: This is the fucking stupidest thing I have ever seen. Ebonie just needs to move to Brampton already and work at Old Navy.

Ty: Ohhhh....here's the fashion shoot. This looks like a tourism video.

The Mayor: "We got an email on the LG laptop! Come - gather round on our Leon's kitchen table! Oh my god! Look at this pleather-faux-gator handbag from Winners!!"

The Mayor: "Where are dey? On da turd floor?" Someone's gotta work on that GTA accent.

Ty: That one photoshoot at the beginning was it?

The Mayor: There better be good judges.

Ty: Jeanne rules. I enjoy her work.

The Mayor: Jeanne Beker - ugh, she is like a brunette Kathy-Lee Gifford. Or like, a brunette Kristen Wiig doing Kathy-Lee Gifford. She's always talking in that stupid cougar-diction. Is Heather wearing jean shorts? Ugh. Barf.

Ty: Jorts? She's dressed like one of my students. Meaghan looks like the best looking girl left over at the end of a post high school party that I guess I'll try to make out with but only cause I'm eight sheets to the wind and bored.

The Mayor: ...you'd make out with one of your students? Perv!!! Maryam's is good - she will be around for a bit. Jill needs to get a couple pairs of Spanx. Her Life Goal is to be one of George Clooney's cocktail-waitress girlfriends.

Ty: And have him fall asleep on top of her.

The Mayor: That's my dream too.

Ty: Well....I should admit I've thought about.

The Mayor: That doesn’t make you gay. That makes you human.

Ty: So who's going home? Clare Huxtable?

The Mayor: Hhmmm...I dunno. Heather has the personality of an expired condom. Jill is straight-up FHM

Ty: Rebbehakaakja or however you say it looks like the chick from the band 'St.Vincent'. Look that shit up. Tiffany needs to go home and be with her love child.

The Mayor: Linsey is the Celia of CNTM - old-ass memaw.

Ty: Yes – agreed, and therefore I hate her. And why isn't there a fucking D in her name?

The Mayor: Cause she's a turd-sammy? OOOhhh - who's going home?!?!

Ty: K - Tiffany is my bet…and I won't let you forget that you thought she would be top three for a couple seconds.

The Mayor: I want Tiffany to be my stylist. PS - Jill definitely has a BF who is into Triple A Hockey or Lacrosse (aka The Sport of Date Rapists)

Ty: I would put it at about 80% that she's boned a Lindros.

Email from my sister:

noreply@blogger.com (The Mayor) — Tue, 26 May 2009 13:49:00 +0000

guuuuurl wtf is your problem
you should be writing daily now!!!!!
here are some topics since you are too dum dum and lazy wazy to think of any
1. jon and kate plus 8 season premier = you watched it right?
2. centreville
3. how poor you are
4. how smelly you are
5. how single you are
6. hahah
7. kidding
8. you know i wuv woo
9. but seriously start posting more than once a week, sharpen your skilllz

My Favourite Tings

noreply@blogger.com (The Mayor) — Fri, 22 May 2009 15:36:00 +0000

Well, for this week at least. My tastes change with the seasons; I know, I'm fickle. Anyways, like Oprah, I love to give back to the community. Oprah gives out Ugg boots and DVD players, I give out STDs and hush money. Jokes! I'm a saintly-little-angel who no longer has crotch crickets.

So anyways, here are the things that are ruling my life this week. The fun part about this is you get to peek into how ghetto my life is. Enjoy!

Ever since I got clean and sober from Diet Coke (I have since fallen off the wagon several times, by the by) I have needed something cold, refreshing, and not booze to replace Sweet Liquid Brown. Goddamn have I found it - Stewarts Key Lime. Now, you probably know Stewarts as the company who makes the delicious old tymey root beer and orange cream sodas, but those are for trick-ass hos.

Depending on where you live, Summer is right around the corner, which means it's high-time someone put some meat in my buns!!! The bad news is, I'm a BBQ Wet Blanket - I HATE hamburgers, and hot dogs are usually out of the question (one time I ate a package of 8 raw wieners and I had chest pains for days, so it pretty much ruined it for me). Instead I usually opt for the Yves veggie wieners which gives me all the delicious snouts-n-assholes taste I have come to love without the excruciating chest pains.

One of my favourite animals is the Squirrel. They are soft and funny and so goddamned happy it kills me. Plus, they love to put nuts in their mouth which makes them OK in my books. Anyways, I have really started to hone in on my squirrel-whispering skills (as you can see in this picture). I can lure them without anything in my hands; it's as if just being near my gentle, soothing voice is enough for them. One day I will get one to sit in my hand and I will pet it. I will also pray to Jesus that the squirrel doesn't bite me because squirrels have diseases and eat dogpoo and I don't want none of that business.

COFFEE MATE HOLLA!!!!!! At our office we usually have cream in the fridge for our coffee, but sometimes someone will go to Costco (big ups to Justine!) and pick up the mammoth drum of white powdie. I'm salivating just thinking about it. I have put Coffee Mate in almost everything: coffee, tea, chai lattes (made with The Mate), hot chocolate, a cheap yogurt flavouring, and one time (when I was very very poor and all I had was Coffee Mate) I mixed it into a mug of boiling water and drank it like steamed milk. I AM NOT ABOVE THIS.

I hate Flippy Floppies. I know it's cool and hipster-y to hate on Flip-Flops, but I really really don't like wearing them. My feet always get blisters and the soles get so damn filthy. But. I did get a pair of these ugly-ass beige/skin coloured ones from Old Navy, and they are gross as the day is long and I LOVE THEM. They make me look like Amy Winehouse trolling the streets of Camden shoeless.

Of course I can't have a Favourite Things post without showing a couple of YouTube clips. The first comes courtesy of my sister, Alex, who I firmly believe was Black in a past life. She has very curly hair, she sucks her teeth a lot, she knows a lot about movies like Baby Boy and Booty Call. Plus, she did see Norbit in theatres.

I really really want to marry this guy. I'm serious.

The Skip-Raid Interviews Jonathan Goldstein

noreply@blogger.com (The Mayor) — Tue, 19 May 2009 13:56:00 +0000

Today we're sitting with one of my favourite writers and humorists, Jonathan Goldstein. If you're American, then you will know him from NPR's This American Life and if you are Canadian you know him from CBC Radio 1's Wiretap. Either way, he has a new book out called Ladies and Gentlemen, The Bible! Our sincerest thanks for being a great sport and answering all my Qs.

Full name: Jonathan Goldstein

Occupation: Writer, radio producer

Where you live: Montreal

Do you mind that I shorten the title of your book, Ladies and Gentlemen, The Bible! to LAGTB?
Lag Tuberculosis. Go right ahead.

I heard you read the “David and Goliath” section of LAGTB on Wiretap and it was very funny. When I bought the book I went home thinking “This is going to be high-larious”.
I hope it was. Seriously. I’ve read Robert Altman say that if someone's not seen one of his movies, he always feels up for screening it just for them, to watch them watch it with virgin eyes. I’d love to watch someone reading the book and asking them what they thought was funny every time they laughed. Or even snorted.

On the reverse cover of LAGTB, David Sedaris gives you some pretty lofty praise, calling you “the funniest and most original writers I can think of”. May I ask you why, after reading that, you didn’t up and leave your wife for him? I’m not saying you have to force yourself to be gay, I’m just saying it wouldn’t kill you to pretend if it meant getting with Sedaris.
David Sedaris is gay?

Do you ever get jealous of Ira Glass’ Jewwy good looks?
I’m too beautiful to live, but he is, too. And he’s taller. And such a head of hair! Here comes the pain…

I don’t know if you read Amazon reviews, but I do (I love them) and, in general, your book Lenny Bruce is Dead has very positive reviews. Although I did find one person who hated it and wrote:

“This book was not funny or interesting. It is sort of like those columns Larry King used to write..... I want a pastrami sandwich,.....isn't the Godfather a great movie,..........I remember when the Yankees won all the time....”

You have to admit, that’s pretty funny.
My dad can be a very funny guy. Funny and cruel.

Your beard looks fantastic, by the by. Do you ever put on black Wayfarers and pretend to be MC Bedbugs (Joaquin Phoenix)?
I think Joaquin Phoenix pretending to be Joaquin Phoenix is more than enough for everyone.

In the Wiretap episode “Fake It Until You Make It”, you get into an argument with a fact-checker over a radio interview you did. Do you understand how neurotic that made me?
No. Are you a fact-checker? I just read Dan Baum refer to New Yorker fact-checkers as being like soldier ants. In a good way.

It’s not easy to interview a writer because you keep second-guessing yourself “Is this question too lame?”
Not at all. Wait, what’s the question?

Do I come off sounding like a goon?
You sound nice.

When is the last time you really second-guessed yourself around someone cooler than you?
I second guess myself all the time. Third and fourth, too. Even while I’m first guessing myself. Even right now. And now. I’m sure you’re way cooler than me, I mean, look at me— I’m a complete mess.

In the same Wiretap episode you are interviewed for an oral report by your nephew Zak. This is a two-part question, I suppose. Do you really have a nephew Zak?
Define “really” and “nephew.”

Are Zak and Jake from Two and a Half Men the same person?
I’ve only watched that show a couple times. Are Zak and Jake the two men of the two and half men equation? Oh…. And you’re wondering if it’s like the fight club? Where one is hallucinating the other? Or maybe the little boy is hallucinating them both and really he lives in a Chechnyan orphanage. That would be so awful. It would make an interesting final episode, though.

Have you seen the trailer for the film Year One? You should try to piggyback LAGTB on its success like a remora on a shark.
I have seen it, and it looks so incredibly funny that I find it painful to watch. Maybe I could stand outside the theatre with copies of the book, looking like a Hare Krishna.

What is your one sacred cow, the one thing you won’t dare make fun of?
Someone else’s real pain.

A regular feature on The Skip-Raid is when we play the game Do, Date, or Dump with popular television shows or movies. And, like it or not, we’re playing it now (with some familiar CBC Radio 1 faces). Please cite why you have chosen either ‘do’, ‘date’, or ‘dump’ for each person:
Do, Date, or Dump:

Andy Barrie
Andy Barrie’s gay?

Stuart McLean
Do. It would be so folksy. I’m imaging it taking place during a hay ride.

Randy Bachman
Do then dump the instant he started talking about coming up with the riff for “No Sugar Tonight.”

You grew up in both Montréal and Brooklyn , but you are neither a French-Canadian Tam-Tams Juggler, nor Rosie Pérez. How did that happen?
My father is from Brooklyn. My mother is from Montreal.

What is your favourite animated show on TV right now?
I always have to say The Simpsons. But I love South Park, too. And I was sad to hear King of the Hill is going off the air. It can also sometimes be great.

What's the last fight you got into?
I was walking home from work a couple of weeks ago and some drunk guy on the street threw a can of Coke at me and we both stopped and yelled at each other chest to chest. He was obviously wandering around looking for a fight. It was really weird. You learn a lot about yourself in such situations. I knew it was stupid to be allowing this crazy person make a stupid decision for us both, but at the same time, I felt like if I backed down I’d regret it. So I stood there taunting him and at a certain point it became clear to me he wasn't going to throw the first punch. This emboldened me and I started calling him out more. At a certain point I realized he wasn’t actually looking to hit someone so much as he was maybe looking to be hit. That wasn’t something I felt ready to do, though-- throw a first punch-- and in the end, I walked off and went into a Mexican restaurant and ate a plate of tacos and drank beer. I was intending to go home and have some leftover tofu stir fry but I passed the place and felt like I’d earned tacos. I ate them with gusto.

The best kind of people in Montréal / The worst kind of people in Montréal:
I don’t know if I’m equipped to answer this. I don’t get out much. But generally speaking I love people who indulge me.

This is Jonathan's newest book, LAGTB. It can be purchased at almost any book store or online, so honestly - you have no reason not to buy it. I'd give you mine, but, you know...then I'd be out $20.

Something I’ve never understood was the desire to meet an author and have them sign their own book. It’s like if someone brought you a bottle of wine and you asked them to sign the label. Do you think it’s cheesy, or do you get flattered when someone approaches you with a copy of Schmelvis and a Sharpie?
I always get flattered. And a little embarrassed.

In other news…I see that you will be in Toronto as part of your book tour for LAGTB. Will you sign my copy of LAGTB? (Editor's Note: this was a week or two ago, so don't start saving your pennies and planning a road trip to Toronto).
I’m so sorry. I’m so late handing in these answers that I already met you and I did sign your book. Please think of me as the kid who gets extra time to hand in his test because he has some sort of deficit disorder.

Back in 2006, it seemed like more homes had copies of Lullabies for Little Criminals than they did the goddamned phone book. After much scoffing and plenty of snide comments like “pfft…why don’t I just go read The DaVinci Code” I finally read it. Wow. I’m an asshole. It’s a terrific book. Will you please apologize to Heather for me?
I don’t believe in making apologies for other people.

Your ideal sandwich:
A smoked meat sandwich at Schwartz’s. Man. It’s after midnight in Montreal and I’m wondering if it’s still open…

Programming Notice

noreply@blogger.com (The Mayor) — Sun, 17 May 2009 18:33:00 +0000

Hey turds! There won't be a post tomorrow because it's a holiday here in Canada. It's called May Two-Four and it's the celebration of beer. Just kidding! It's Victoria Day, but it's nickname is May 2-4 because it falls on May 24th, and Canadians love drinking, so we celebrate the long weekend with beers and fireworks. It's already Sunday afternoon, so I need to get started on a case of Molsons and rigging up some illegal fireworks, so I'll see you all back on Tuesday.

Sidebar - on Tuesday there will be an AMAZING post, so make sure to get sober by then and come back.

Peace!