The Skip-Raid

I tried something new! Pt. 1

noreply@blogger.com (The Mayor) — Thu, 26 Jan 2012 22:23:00 +0000

Since my diet leading up to 2012 was basically this:

...I decided it was in my best interest to expand my palate and try some new foods. I went over a list of foods I've never tried with my friends and they were mostly astonished to know I'd never eaten things as basic as margarine. Alright, so here we go. This week I tried 3 new foods. Have at it!

New Food: MANGO
Tried it at: A restaurant
Thoughts: I went out for vegetarian Thai food with two of my friends, and they convinced me to try mango in salad form first. I've heard from some people that mango on its own can taste woody or dirty, so dousing it in vinegar and mixing in onions seems like a good idea. This was actually really good. I've tried mango-flavoured candy before, and this is not the same. At all. Then again, it would be like comparing prosciutto-wrapped melon to Sour Watermelon candies. Mango tasted kind of like fruity cabbage. It was crunchy and juicy and tasted good with the onions and carrots.
Overall Rating: I liked it! I'd eat it again. I'm very afraid to try it on its own though; I've been tricked by foods covered in vinegar before. You ever tried pickles without vinegar? THEY'RE SO PLAIN!

New Food: BOK CHOY
Tried it at: My house
Thoughts: Bok choy was...something. I wasn't sure what to expect. I thought it might taste like spinach, but it was more like celery. It was plain and stringy. I know it's good for me (it's got fibre, right?) but for the most part I was unimpressed. I think it's one of those foods people eat because it's healthy (like spinach) and not because it's delicious (like candy or cheese). The only thing that was really hard about bok choy was knowing how to eat it. Do you eat it plain? Do you put it in stuff? I decided to put it in soup (but more on that later).

Overall Rating: It's okay. I'll probably eat it again because it's super cheap and I know it's something my doctor would probably tell me to eat. Update! I found out it's low in fibre, but very high in Vitamin K (aka Who cares, what does that shit do?)

New Food: MISO PASTE
Tried it at: My house
Thoughts: For a very long time I refused to eat miso soup. It looked gross, it had tofu, I thought it would make me barf (I was convinced it was liquid MSG). Finally I tried it and really liked it, but it was super mysterious to me. How was it made? What made it salty? Why is it good? What is umami? So I've only had miso soup a handful of times, but I know I liked it. I decided that it was time I bought miso paste from the Japanese grocery store and see if I couldn't make soup at home. It is absolutely the easiest shit I've ever made. You throw a spoonful of paste into boiling water and stir. THAT'S IT. Add whatever you want to it, and you have soup. It is seriously my new favourite thing in the world. I bought miso paste last weekend and I've made soup 4 times in less than a week. This soup also has tiny Japanese noodles in it - something I've also avoided for nearly 30 years (because I don't like the texture of noodles that are both smaller than and larger than spaghetti noodles. I'm too picky). I didn't include them in this list though because - really - a noodle is a noodle (except for soba noodles, which still look like they were invented to make me gag). In case you're wondering what's in this mess: miso paste, noodles, bok choy (represent) and a poached egg.

Overall Rating: I LOVED it! I plan on incorporating miso paste into my weekly diet. Next up: putting it on fish (oh, this has FAIL written all over it).

So there it is. I tried 3 new things and none of them totally grossed me out. I'm starting to think trying new foods was a good idea. Well, I say that now, but wait till we get to like Part 3 and I'll be dry heaving all over my computer.

84th Annual Academy Award Nomin-awww, who gives a shit?

noreply@blogger.com (The Mayor) — Tue, 24 Jan 2012 17:11:00 +0000

So, it's that time again; Christmas morning for film nerds. This morning the Oscar nominations were announced by Jennifer "Imma kill it in Hunger Games" Lawrence and some old guy. Sorry! Don't have time to Google his name, we have movies to talk about! Lots and lots of great films! Terrific, wonderful - WAIT, Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close was nominated for Best Picture? Oh shit, I take it back. When I said "great films" I really should have said "mediocre 9/11 movies with Sandy Bullock and some kid who looks like he has assburgers". Moving on. So here is what we're dealing with this year. One caveat: I am not gonna rip on all the movies listed, because there are some I'm really really excited about.

Okay, so first let's talk about Supporting Actors and Actresses aka the bras of the acting world (what? Exactly. See above gif).

SUPPORTING ACTOR
Kenneth Branagh (My Week With Marilyn)
- I still haven't seen this movie a) because I'm lazy and b) I don't like Marilyn Monroe. SORRY! She was the ScarJo of the 50s. I was talking to someone at work about this and we both agreed that if she hadn't died, she would be 80 and covered in plastic surgery and married 10 times and would, basically, be Zsa Zsa Gabor. Anyways, Kenneth Branagh is good and everything, but he's not going to win.
Jonah Hill (Moneyball)
- Whatup shawty? Lemme holla at chu a second, boy. How you doin, Poppa Waffles? I ain't seen you 'round much, ever since you got your nose surgically attached to Brad Pitt's ass. Why you gotta play me like that, boo? I ain't good enough for you? Aww, I'm sorry. Homie, you know I don't play like dat. Gimme a call when you need a date to the Oscars. Naw, you ain't gon win, but we'll go to IHOP after the ceremony anyways. XO - The Mayor.
Nick Nolte (Warrior)
- Nick fucking Nolte?? Oh boy, he's not going to win, but imagine if he actually shows up?!?! PS - if you want to hear something funny, find the Superego episode with John C. Reilly, Don Dimelo, and Nick Nolte. It's terrible (terribly funny, that is). Oh, and I'll say it now: is Nick Nolte the new Mickey Rourke? Everybody loves a comeback.
Christopher Plummer (Beginners)
- Done! Give Captain Von Trapp the award and be done with it (also I just like to see Canadians win).
Max von Sydow (Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close)
- I know he's not, but his name sounds like something I heard in high school history class while learning about Nazis. I cannot be the only one here, right?

SUPPORTING ACTRESS
Berenice Bejo (The Artist)
- Did not see! Do not know! Me no care!
Jessica Chastain (The Help)
- I know she's a good actress and everything, but I heard an interview with her recently and she is SO insufferable. She's definitely one of those people who refers to acting as "her craft". EW. Just barfed in my mouth.
Melissa McCarthy (Bridesmaids)
- She isn't going to win. Sorry! Oscars don't go to funny people. I'd like her to win, but she won't.
Janet McTeer (Albert Nobbs)
- Who? Even after Googling, I'm like "really...WHO?"
Octavia Spencer (The Help)
- She will probably get it. I heard she's really good, and from the clips I've seen on YouTube, she's enjoyable. Although...I don't wanna get all MLK Day on you guys...but doesn't it feel a little unsettling that there are two women of colour nominated and they're both for maid characters? Me no likey. I mean, obviously The Help is a good movie; it just sucks that when black actresses get nominated it's for maid parts or shitty welfare queen parts (Precious), or 2 minutes of screen time (Doubt). Crap, can Hollywood catch up to the rest of the world please? End rant. I'll go back to fart jokes now.

Speaking of stinky room-clearers, here are the nominees for most likely to do that weird prayer-hands/mouthing the words 'thank you' when their names are called:

ACTOR
Demian Bichir (A Better Life)
- I'd like your first name better if it was spelled with an A instead of an E, but it is pretty hot that your last name sounds like 'bitchier', so...you're a winner to me.
George Clooney (The Descendants)
- DEAR LORD NO. This man doesn't need another circle jerk in his honor. He will probably win for that fucking Lilo & Stitch Have a Crisis movie.
Jean Dujardin (The Artist)
- He is super adorable. If he wins, I hope he brings the dog on stage.
Gary Oldman (Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy)
- COMMISSIONER GORDON/SIRIUS BLACK 4 LYFE!
Brad Pitt (Moneyball)
- Am I way off base for saying that Brad Pitt is not a good actor? Like, he really isn't, right? I'm not wrong. Maybe it's because any time I think of Brad Pitt I think of him in Thelma & Louise where he's teaching Thelma how to rob a store and he's using the hairdryer as a pretend gun. That's...embarrassing.

ACTRESS
Glenn Close (Albert Nobbs)
- How cute is Glenn Close, btw? I think she's the greatest. Alex Forrest, respect. She might get this, actually.
Viola Davis (The Help)
- Damn, homegirl can act the shit out of anything. I love Viola Davis. Here's a fun game: find any picture of her and tell me it doesn't look like her skin is being lit from within. She glows. She's a human with glowing, radiant skin. I love her to bits, but she's not going to win this.
Rooney Mara (The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo)
- NEXT!
Meryl Streep (The Iron Lady)
- Bitch, pick out a good dress, cause I don't wanna see you crawl on stage wearing any two-piece mother-of-the-bride get-ups. You leave that drapey, tent-y shit at home.
Michelle Williams (My Week With Marilyn)
- PLEASE BRING BUSY PHILIPS AS YOUR DATE!!!! You guys kill me.

BEST PICTURE
War Horse
- It's about the war. It's about a horse. I liked Seabiscuit better.
The Artist
- I sort of hope this wins. Anything to prevent The Decendants from winning, and I feel like a different movie would be good. What am I talking about? I just wanna see that dog get on stage.
Moneyball
- Oh, the baseball movie that isn't Field of Dreams? Right. NEXT!
The Descendants
- It will probably win because there is one group of people that runs Hollywood and they are...George Clooney Lovers. And yes, I haven't seen it; what of it. I don't need to see the movie about a rich white old guy from tv's ER who lives in Hawaii and has 'pwoblems' to know that I won't like it.
The Tree of Life
- Maybe?

Midnight in Paris
- Remember Drillbit Taylor? You, Me, and Dupree? Shanghai Noon? Exactly. Just thought I'd remind you.
The Help
- This definitely won't win, but I'm glad to see people liking it. It's nice to have a movie with a solid female cast that isn't Sex and the City 3: 2-Hour Shoe Commercial.
Hugo
- Maybe? I'd be okay with that.
Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close
- BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Now that that's out of the way, let's take a look at some figures. I'll direct you to my PowerPoint presentation I've set up.
IMDB rating: 6.2/10
A.V. Club rating: F
Metacritic rating: 46/100
Basically, what we have here is something that should be nominated for a Razzie, not an Oscar. I mean, this sounds like a total pile of shit. WTF? How was this nominated? You mean to tell me EL&IC was better than The Muppets? DON'T TELL ME THAT.

AAAAAANND THE REST!
- I'm really glad to see The Muppets nominated for best Original Song. It's going to win, for sure, which means that we're going to have Bret McKenzie and Jason Segel on stage (and maybe Amy Adams? And maybe Muppets?!?!?!?)
- There isn't an Animated Feature I'm really rooting for this year, but if I had to pick one, I'd say Rango. I mean, I'd love for Puss in Boots to win, but that's just because it is Beverly Hills Chihuahua with cats.
- Documentaries is a snore-fest this year. The only one I really know is Pina, and I know it because I refused to see it (sorry, but I just cannot embrace modern dance).
- I'm psyched about the Foreign Language Film category. I still want to see A Separation and Monsieur Lazhar (which is from Canada - aka Quebec, where all of our Foreign Language Entries come from).
- Kristen Wiig got nominated for Original Screenplay because...? Really, I'd like to know. I hated Juno, but at least I can admit it deserved that Original Screenplay Oscar that Diablo Cody got. Ugh, whatever, send all your hate-mail to skipraid@gmail.com

The 84th Annual Academy Awards will be broadcast on February 26th, 2012. I'll probably live-blog the whole thing because I'll be in Chicago and, really, what does one do on a Sunday night in February in Chicago? Right, pizza eating.

Is This the Name of a Real Candle or Just Some Shit I Made Up?

noreply@blogger.com (The Mayor) — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 23:07:00 +0000

I rip on a lot of dumb girl things: hair extensions, high heels, going to the gym. I think it's because I see them as stereotypical and common. Don't have any outside interest? Go to the gym a million times a day and talk about it with anyone who will listen. Need to feel constantly 'pretty' while at the same time severely limiting your mobility? Wear 5" heels to an amusement park. So while I try my hardest to be above bullshit like that, there is one dumb girl thing that I am totally obsessed with:

Scented candles.

I love scented candles. I like ones that smell like perfume and ones that smell like baking and ones that smell like candy and pine trees and beaches filled with seashells. My house is nice, and yet I junk it up with no less than 10 huge glass jars from Bath and Body Works. My home doesn't smell bad without candles; I don't know why then I feel the need to make it smell like Caribbean Escape. I don't understand. I wasn't raised around candles (my mother was afraid we'd burn our house down) and I'm certainly not into Glade air fresheners or sprays or Febreeze or anything. But as long as I have something to burn and make my house smell like cider/gingerale/fresh leather, I am so beyond happy. And yes, I know that lighting a shit-ton of candles is dangerous; obviously I've had accidents where hair has come a little too close to a flame and singed off a few inches. WHO HASN'T? And yes, my house looks like there is a permanent seance going on at all times. WHAT OF IT? Enough about me being the Crazy Cat Lady of candles. Here's my point:

I've noticed that, like nail polish, naming conventions for candles can be classified somewhere between 'cheesy' and 'embarrassing'. It's terrible. Just call the candle what it smells like. Vanilla. Apples. No Smell. Don't call it something like Soft Blanket or Cherries on Snow ("Ah Christmas...chestnuts roasting on the fire, jack frost decorating your windows, cherries scattered amongst the snow like splattered blood from a careless drive-by shooter"). I thought it would be fun to play a game called Is This the Name of a Real Candle or Just Some Shit I Made Up? It's easy; all you need to do is read through the list of candle names and guess which ones are real candle names and which ones were arbitrarily made up by me. It's the game that's sweeping the nation! Not really, but just for a second pretend that guessing candle names isn't a complete and utter waste of time. Okay, GO!

Garden Hideaway
Midnight Cove
Cottage Breeze
Midwinter's Cameltoe
Mountain Lake
Sunset Cheddar
Intimate Backscratch
Christmas Wreath
Secret Itch
Damp Sleeping Bag
Mrs. Claus' Cookies
Crippling Silence
Papa's Moustache
Deep Sadness Sunrise
Springtime Tulip Parade
Adult Acne Splendor
Sparkling Skintag
Crystal Meth Mist
Surprise Rash
Daddy's Denial
Motionless Cat
Crisp Model Airplane Glue
Pending Adoption
Beef Taco Siesta
Fire Damage
Lover's Shuffle
Discount Rectal Exam
Citrus Waltz
Christoph Waltz
Rose Petal Terrace
Shimmering Sweatpants
Secret Boner

Some of my favourite episodes of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

noreply@blogger.com (The Mayor) — Tue, 17 Jan 2012 19:23:00 +0000

It is my knowledge that some people have never seen It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. I'm not entirely sure why this is; it's terrific. I thought I'd think about some of my favourite episodes and tell you about them. PS - just so you know, this is a terribly lazy post. I've always wanted to write about It's Always Sunny, but halfway through this post I realized that it's much better to just watch every episode and see for yourself how good it is. Reading about it isn't as good. Well, maybe this is one to save for when you need to spend 6 hours in a hospital waiting room? Yeah, I'd say so. Enjoy!

10. The Gang Gets Racist (aka the gay bar episode)
Pilot
I am a huge television junkie; if I could give a back-alley hj for it and cook it on a filthy spoon in a derelict flophouse, I would. But something I never, EVER do is watch the pilot episode of a television show. I feel pilots don't accurately reflect the show's characters and themes. There's usually far too much exposition. So I while I have seen every episode of The Sopranos, Parks and Recreation, and Strangers with Candy, I have never seen their respective pilots. However, one I have seen, and loved, was "The Gang Gets Racist". One caveat, though. By no means would I consider this to be the 10th best episode of the series; I include it on this list because it is the only pilot episode of a show that doesn't deviate too severely from the rest of the series. I think it's a great example of a pilot working well on its own, and at the same time introducing you to every character without the typical "this is ___ and he likes a, b, and c. This is ____ and they have a ____ addiction. Next week we'll get into some plot, trust us, but for now please enjoy the television equivalent of a Facebook profile". So here's the episode: the gang wants to drum up some new customers for the bar. Dee is dating a guy who can make this happen, so Paddy's Pub becomes the most popular bar in Philly overnight. At the same time, Charlie wants to prove to his crush that he's not racist, so he starts dating a black girl. The girl finds out she's being used, Charlie looks like a racist, the pub turns out to be popular only because people think its a gay bar, Dennis acts gay to make more money that Dee, Dennis gets blackout drunk and has sex with a dude. You know, typical pilot material.

9. Who Pooped the Bed? (aka the one where Dee runs head-first into a parked car)
Season 4, Episode 7
The argument that girls aren't as funny as guys isn't just repetitive, it's also very very true. I know, I'm sorry! But really, if you take away girls talking in baby voices about abortions and rape jokes (Sarah Silverman, I'm looking in your direction...) you really don't have as much to work with as guys do. This is why I love this episode. While the main story is Dennis and Mac trying to figure out who pooped Charlie and Frank's bed, the B-story is that Dee wants to form her own Sex and the City-style group. It's supposed to be the supporting story, but to me, it is much funnier (that says a lot too, cause I love poo jokes). And for those of you who've seen this episode, you know that the best part is easily when Dee bolts from the boutique and runs head-first into the parked car. I have a feeling that's the most re-watched scene in all 7 seasons.
Oh, and as to who pooped the bed? Spoiler alert: It was Frank.

8. Hundred Dollar Baby (aka Dee's moustache)
Season 2, Episode 5
I never saw Million Dollar Baby, but it doesn't mean I can't come into this episode and know what's going on. Everyone on It's Always Sunny interacts well with each other as a group (doye - it's an ensemble show) but sometimes we get cute little one-on-one stories, this time with Frank and Dee. Dee gets into boxing, Frank sees an opportunity to exploit this, Dee begins taking steroids to compete against one of Frank's rivals, Dee gets a moustache, Dee gets far too aggressive, Dee tells Frank "I'm going to paralyze this bitch." The B story is good too - Mac and Dennis get Charlie into street fighting - but it's Dee on crazy amounts of drugs that really makes this episode worth watching (and hearing someone describe her as looking like "a Holocaust victim in pageant makeup").

7. The Nightman Cometh (aka The Play!!)
Season 4, Episode 13
After much talk and lead up to the gang getting in to music and Nightman and everything, we FINALLY get to see the opus that is The Nightman Cometh. The first introduction of Nightman might be one of the best episodes (more about that later), so I was suspicious of a whole episode dedicated to Charlie's super scary creation, Nightman. Holy shit. The musical is great. I love that after this episode aired, Charlie, Dee, Mac, and Charlie went on the road and put on The Nightman Cometh in real life and it was crazy successful. I would have loved to have seen that, but moving on. The best part is the ending. I actually don't want to talk about this episode anymore because there is no way to describe it than saying that the ending is one of my favourite endings on any show EVER.

6. The Gang Gets Invincible (aka the one with Green Man)
Season 3, Episode 2
Mac and Dennis try out for the Philadelphia Eagles during a fake tryout day. They are convinced it's real and that they will make the team. Dee puts on a shitty moustache and also tries out. Charlie puts on a lime-green spandex onesie, thus marking the first time we see Green Man. Frank gets high on acid. The McPoyles show up. I love this episode.

5. The Gang Wrestles for the Troops (aka the one with Roddy Piper)
Season 5, Episode 7
If you hate wrestling, move on, because this episode will not be something you'll like. It's all about wrestling. Rowdy Roddy Piper is in it (he plays a crazy so well, I certainly hope we see him again). I'm getting lazy with my descriptions, so let's just let this picture tell you the whole story:

Yep! That's it! They've drawn on abs. Go watch this episode now (also it's a good Artemis episode).

4a. The Gang Buys a Boat (aka the P Diddy shrimping boat)
Season 6, Episode 3
4b. Mac and Charlie Die, Pt. 1&2 (aka The Duster)
Season 4, Episodes 5&6
Two-fer! I tied these two because I wasn't sure which one I like better. Mac and Charlie Die is a really good two-part episode. It's not the best, but I didn't want to leave it off this list, because there are some really good parts: the duster, the sex party, Dee riding the bus. Mac's Dad. Paddy's Glory Hole. So it stays on the list.
The Gang buying a boat is the best episode from the 6th season, but it's rated underneath Dee Reynolds: Shaping America's Youth (see below) for one reason and one reason only (spoiler alert: it's not a great reason, but whatever). So Dennis and Mac want to buy a boat, and obviously they buy the world's shittiest boat. They get Charlie and Dee and Frank to clean it up for them. Obviously they do the world's shittiest job. Dennis talks about the reason why he wants a boat; Mac is sure he's confessing a crime to him. Dee dances like those inflatable windsocks you see at used car lots.

3. Dee Reynolds: Shaping America's Youth (aka the one with Lethal Weapon 5)
Season 6, Episode 9
All you need to know about this episode is that Mac and Dennis film a sequel to Lethal Weapon and it is INCREDIBLE.

2. Sweet Dee's Dating a Retarded Person (aka the Nightman episode)
Season 3, Episode 9
On the whole, the idea of Dee dating someone that she's constantly trying to prove is/isn't retarded is great. The cut between the first scene and the title card is the best one of the whole series. On the surface, Dee dating a possible retard is enough for a solidly-written episode, but it's the introduction to Charlie's creation Nightman and Dayman and The Gang starting a rock-and-roll band that makes this episode one of the tightest, funniest episodes of television I have ever seen. Dennis and Charlie and Mac decided to start a band (why no, after all - Dee's retarded boyfriend is a musician) and it's obviously going to be just terrible. I love where everyone goes when they think of stage personas. I love that no one is good at music. I love the name The Pecan Sandies. But there is nothing greater than the scene where Charlie is sitting on his couch in his long-johns with silver spray paint all over his face, singing the song he wrote, while Dennis sings along and quietly removes the can from his hand, shaking his head "No". I have watched that scene more times than I can count. Almost every day I say "What isssssss....going on here". Amazing. Amazing. Amazing.

1. The Gang Reignites the Rivalry (aka the one about Flipadelphia)
Season 5, Episode 12
Not many people would put Flipadelphia first. I'm okay with that. The thing that I like the most about this episode is how they're always willing to keep the characters so terrible that they're willing to almost kill one of the gang to make a point. Case study: Years prior, The Gang is kicked out of an annual flip cup tournament. The ban is finally lifted, so they request a showdown with their rival bar (which is now a fancy wine establishment). They proceed to move on to a frat house instead and challenge them to flip cup. Someone gets poisoned. That's all I'm saying. It's terrific.

The Slots of Las Vegas

noreply@blogger.com (The Mayor) — Thu, 12 Jan 2012 21:56:00 +0000

Despite not being a big drinker, gambler, hooker sex haver, or David Copperfield fan, going to Las Vegas was one of those things I felt like I needed to do once in my life. I had heard it described many different ways from people, ranging from "the most fun you'll ever have in your whole life" to "the worst place in the entire world". I'd say my experience rated somewhere in between. I went with someone I liked and could have fun with, so it didn't matter if it was totally bogus, because we'd still managed to find things to make fun of. Look, there are some cool things about Las Vegas: you can drink wherever you want, drinks are cheap, buffets are plentiful and delicious, lots of shiny things to look at, and...uh...that's really it. The buffets. That's the only reason you should go. Oh, and they have a decent Target right in town. Oh my god, what am I saying? I am the un-coolest.

Whatever, I'm over it. Since there's nothing to do at night in Las Vegas (except for see "shows", which is code for "you are going to pay $200 to see lipsynching/water acrobatics/crappy magicians/Holly Madison") besides getting drunk and shouting "VEGAS, BABY!!", we decided to wander through every hotel to see which ones were cool and which ones were lame. SPOILERS AHEAD: They're all lame. Every single hotel looks amazing from the outside, and then you go indoors and it's like you're in a shitty strip mall. The only thing that's actually really fun is going inside the Paris hotel and repeating "Oh my god, it's like I'm in Paris!" over and over again. Trust me, you're not in Paris. You're not even in Paris, Texas (I WISH). In the event you were curious, yes - we did go inside New York, New York hotel and go on that roller coaster through "Manhattan" which should really be re-named "CONDEMNED ROLLERCOASTER". There was a sign outside that said "Must be 54" to ride. Hours of operation are subject to weather conditions and other circumstances which may suspend service. In the event of very high winds or very low temperatures, the ride will be closed". Can you guess what the weather was like when we rode it at 9pm? Let's put it this way - my hair was tied back and I was wearing my winter coat. I was sure I was about to die, which is super depressing when you think about ways to die. In Vegas? I'd feel terrible for my parents; imagine having to explain to people how your child died? "She's no longer with us. In November, she died in a freak rollercoaster accident on the New York New York ride in Las Vegas. No, we're not seeking legal recourse; there were 100mph winds and it was 0 degrees Celsius. She rode at her own risk." Not exactly something to write on a tombstone.

One of the things I liked the most about Las Vegas was the slot machines. Gone are the days of the one-armed bandit; now they all look like those crappy video lottery terminals in shady bars that gambling addicts get hooked on. None of them are cherry or bell-based anymore either - everything is cartoony and has weird characters and there are lots of theme ones, but not cool theme ones. I saw many The Hangover slot machines which was, in a word, depressing. The majority of the slot machines I saw sounded like names for strip clubs. What's that, you say? You'd like to see pictures? Here we go!

Magic Woods would be a men's strip club with a Sherwood Forest theme. Throbbin' Hood and his Hairy Men (Friar Fuck, Little Big John). Or maybe like a Sword in the Stone theme?

Full Moon Diamond reminds me so much of when Serena turns into Sailor Moon. Also it sounds like Engrish: "Place treasured coin into acceptance slot so as to play top quality luck game, Full Moon Diamond! May your luck shine!"

Obviously Jewels of India would be all Bollywood'ed up, but like everything, time would take its toll on Jewels, and before you know it it would be staffed entirely by white girls named Jazmin.

Oh wow, this feels...very racist. I don't really want to make a joke about China Mystery because it feels like something that should have never been greenlit, but if I had to...well, so be it. China Mystery sounds like an STD you'd get from an unlicensed Singapore massage parlor. HEY-O.

Siberian Storm could be the strip club that exists in that fancy ice hotel (I shouldn't have to provide a link because EVERYONE has seen that fancy ice hotel. I think it's in Sweden. I DON'T CARE EITHER WAY).

Must...not...make...joke...about...obese...strippers...

Why are those dwarves pointing at me? Why are their crotches covered? Why do their little hats look like condoms? What do they plan on 'blasting'? What does the shape of a barrel have to do with anything? Why is that one on the right wearing protective splash-back goggles?

Lil' Lady. Not so much a stripper-y game so much as just an odd way to market a slot. I get that it's bug themed, I really do. But let's play devil's advocate for a second and pretend you can't see the bugs. Does Lil' Lady not seem a bit...pedo-y? Could they not have called it Lucky Lady and still gone with the ladybug theme? That lady ladybug is wearing some pretty whorey makeup too, which leads me to believe she hasn't been using it for very long. I think this game is about an underage ladybug. Holy shit, I just figured it all out: any guy who sits down at Lil' Lady and plays it for longer than 5 minutes gets a free visit from Chris Hansen and Dateline NBC. NAILED IT. It's a pervert tester.

Black Widow: Where the strippers seduce you, begin a dedicated long-term monogamous relationship with you, pledge their love to you through respect, kindness, and faithfulness, quit their job as a stripper because all they want is to "stay at home and raise your kids", wait for you to propose, spend 10 months planning their dream wedding, encourage you to both sign up for extensive life-insurance policies, invest in a low-interest home mortgage on a fixer-upper, trade in your sportscar for something with less mileage, and then KILL YOU AND COLLECT THE INSURANCE MONEY AND MOVE ON TO THE NEXT RUBE.

"Show Dogs, home of the ugliest women on the strip! These dogs will give you a bone! Show Dogs, where it always smells like over-used indoor wee-wee-pads! These mutts are used by the police to sniff out horny dudes! Show Dogs! Let them sit in your lap (for $10). These puppies can't eat people food, so put the wieners away, guys. Show Dogs! Be careful, some of them have fleas due to poor grooming habits. Show Dogs, where inconsistent training methods have left us with some of the unruliest beasts this side of The Dog Whisperer with Caesar Millan. They might bite you, but only because they're crazy. If you get bit, call your doctor and ask for a syringe filled with the most potent penicillin money can buy. SHOW DOGS! Open till 2am."

White Orchid aka Ghost Pussy (It's haaaauuuuunted!).

Add another R in Forest, and I'm sure that's at least 400 registered names in the state of Florida.

Graceful Lotus. What. The. Holy. Fuck. Is this another Indian-themed slot machine? At least this one is a little less culturally-insensitive than Jewels of India (is it even?) This doesn't actually sound like a strip club; it sounds like a respectful, demure escort service. "Here at Graceful Lotus, we make sure to use as much care as Vishnu's many arms to ensure you are always satisfied. Service, Elegance, and Class: that's the Graceful Lotus difference. OUTCALLS ONLY."

MURRICAN FOOD!!!

noreply@blogger.com (The Mayor) — Wed, 11 Jan 2012 23:14:00 +0000

Hey friends! Okay, so I was going through some pictures of my trip to 'Murrica from last month and realized I hadn't written about two really great parts about my trip (food and slot machines). Also, I think I want to make that a t-shirt - Food & Slot Machines. Because really, if you had to think of a better slogan for Vegas, can you think of something that defines that place more than food and slots? Exactly. It's just a sea of endless buffets and penny slots (U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!)

Moving on. I need to stress to you that this Murrican Food post isn't going to be as lengthy as they have been in the past, and there is a good reason for that. The short answer is this: people in California eat like normal human beings. I KNOW HOW BIZARRE THIS MUST SEEM TO YOU. For real though, their grocery stores and Targets are sort of like Canadian ones, where there isn't the gross amount of Doritos flavours or its-basically-dessert yogurts. Sure, they still have Murrican food, but it's not like Florida, where you have an entire wall dedicated to Oreos. So I scoured the food sections of better Targets and gas station snack aisles and have 3 unique food items to present to you.

Fudge Covered Ritz
You know a foodstuff is so totally American when you are both appalled and interested. This is how I felt about Fudge Covered Ritz (also - off topic - but is it a legal thing that they can't say Chocolate-covered Ritz? Why is it always Fudge-covered? It's not fudge! Fudge is dense and blocky and you get slices of it cut at the fair. You don't melt it down and coat things in fudge. I need to further investigate this. Someone get Keith Morrison on the line). At first I was like "Wow. Only Americans would need their crackers dipped in chocolate because they dip everything in chocolate and it's not enough for them to spray tons of Cheez-Whiz on Ritz and stuff them with fake peanut butter" and then common sense slapped me across the face and said "those look god-damned delicious and you'd be a liar if you said otherwise". TRUTH! Chocolate-covered Ritz crackers? Count me in! I really should have bought a box (regrets).

Sugar Cookie Pop Tarts
And next up on our Foods That Were Surely Forged in the Pits of Hell tour. I mean, really Pop Tarts, are you out of ideas already that you're now just making the filling what the outside is? The shell of a Pop Tart is essentially a sugar cookie (a shitty sugar cookie, but tomato-tomahto, people). I don't see how this would be enjoyable; sugar cookies, in their most basic form, are a vehicle for icing and decorations. Nobody goes "Yum! Plain sugar cookies! Make mine undecorated!" Plus a sugar cookie is dry; how could you make a warm, gooey filling from a dry substance? Pop Tarts have a very standard, easy to follow formula: dry pastry outside, warm jam filling inside, sometimes a sheet of frosting on the exterior for cosmetic purposes. The Sugar Cookie Pop Tart defies all decent snacking laws: pastry outside, warm gooey sugar cookie filling inside (so what then, an eggy sweet custard? Damp cookie dough? TELL ME!!!) and a shitty printed picture on the outside for purposes meant to make me vomit. I do not want to eat this.

Rice Krispie Treats Sheet
I should have put my foot in the picture for scale, I really should have. Then you'd realize you were looking at a nearly 2 feet wide block of Rice Krispie square. I like that it tells you the weight - 2 pounds. That's like an underweight baby. Also, Rice Krispie squares are so light and airy that it's mind boggling to imagine how dense and large you'd need to make a square to have it weigh 2lbs. Fun Fact: This giant sheet of Rice Krispie Treat is ready to serve at your next birthday party, office party, baseball or soccer game, picnic, or Holiday party (aka All By Yourself in the comfort of your own home without the judgmental eyes of family/co-workers)! Second Fun Fact: I found this on the bottom shelf at 7-11 (GROSSSSS).

In and Out Burger
This was the first meal I ate in California, and let me tell you...those fries are fucking disgusting. They tasted like bland matchsticks made from shitty Sunday School construction paper. I've tasted better fries in dreams (and trust me, I have a LOT of food-based night terrors, so I know what I'm talking about). The burger was delicious, I'll give it that. For a fast food chain cheeseburger, this was probably the best. There's a place in Toronto that makes a better shitty flat cheeseburger, but let's pretend it doesn't exist to outsiders, and we'll just say this was amazing and that I can't wait to have another. The drink I got was pink lemonade (nice) but I should have gotten Diet Coke, because Murrican cheese and Diet Coke give me a contact food high so strong it takes a cold shower and a tazer to bring me out of it. To answer two of your questions:
- Yes, that is Christmas wrapping on the burger. It was Santa driving a sleigh over California. Charming.
- Yes, that is a cheeseburger without the meat. I was dining with a vegetarian, and that sandwich is just tomatoes and onions. FAIIIIIIIL.

Bag of Gas Station Snacks
While driving back to Las Vegas from Los Angeles, we stopped at a gas station and bought food to eat before we got on our red-eye flight. Quick - name the worst combination of foods to have sitting in your stomach as you fly 5 hours in the middle of the night? That's right, caramel, spicy chips, and Cactus Cooler. In the event you have no idea what Cactus Cooler is, allow me to explain: if Hell is prison, Cactus Cooler is its pruno (after the wardens piss in it, of course). Cactus Cooler is like weak watered down soda, like flat pop. The main flavours are orange (like the crappy orange drink you'd get from McDonalds after your team loses their soccer game) and pineapple (like if someone murdered Ananas from Téléfrançais and harvested his body for juice). Look, I'm making it sound totally disgusting, but if you were 4 hours away from a midnight flight to Toronto, you'd be chugging watery pineapple-orange drank too.
PS - Those Sabritos haven't been eaten yet, which means when they do get eaten, they're going to be stale as hayyyyyyull.

A post wherein I talk about Beyonce's "baby" and do everything I can to dance around the legalities of internet slander.

noreply@blogger.com (The Mayor) — Mon, 09 Jan 2012 14:20:00 +0000

This weekend I was greeted with the news that Beyonce (no I will not add that bogus accent to the E) Knowles and Jay-Z "gave birth" to a baby girl. Beyonce "checked herself in" to a hospital. Question: Is it even considered a hospital if no birth is even happening? I mean, really - she and Jay-Z just met at a check point. If this was a Craigslist transaction, they would have met the birth mother at the bus station or in the washroom near the Old Navy at the mall (which is where I like all my shady Craigslist dealings to go down. Lots of people/witnesses).

So anyways, Beyonce packed a bag full of her favourite "birthing clothes" (aka A metric tonne of hush money), loaded up Mama Knowles and her jacked wigs into the car and sailed into a rented floor of a hospital. No, I won't be fact-checking which hospital it was. Does it matter? Nothing medical happened this weekend. Fuck, they probably wouldn't have needed to change the bedding if it weren't for Gwyneth Paltrow being there, getting high off her own supply (of farts, cause you know that snobby bitch loves the smell of her own farts). Ugh, I just hate how dedicated to the charade they are that the rent out a whole floor of a hospital to play "pretend baby birth" when they could have just faked the whole thing at home with a pretend midwife. Why go to all the trouble? I mean, we all know that "baby" that was "living" in Beyonce's pooch was nothing more than foam, polyester fill, and velcro straps.

Oh, and PS Beyonce - you had a scheduled C-Section? Church Lady sez: How conveeeeenient. Know what else starts with C? Cash, conspiracy, child-that-didn't-come-from-you, Colombia (where the birth mother is from? I'm grasping at straws here). You wanna prove you had that baby?? SHOW US DEM SCARS. Oh, you won't? Because they don't exist. Exactly. No no, don't worry about it. It's not like your made-up story about a C-Section is now physical proof that you had a child, and if you don't have a massive C-Section scar, then you made the whole story up. Shoulda said you had a natural birth! Whoops! Remember that for next time (also something to remember for next time: don't go on TV with a shitty fake baby-bump pillow that deflates the minute you sit down. LEARN).

The thing I'm looking most forward to is waiting a few months and trying to figure out who that baby looks like. I'm going to guess...NEITHER OF THEM. I'm going to guess that Blue Ivy or Ivy Blue (or whatever this bought-and-paid Kijiji baby is named) is going to look a) not like Jay-Z and b) way too perfect (because obviously Beyonce is a shallow bitch who wants a baby with perfect hair and perfect skin and looking like a toddlers and tiaras child with glitter and makeup and 4" heels).

The biggest question here is: WHY THE FUCK DO I CARE ABOUT THIS?!?! Seriously - I should not give a shit. And the worst part is, I don't hate Beyonce. Homegirl does A LOT to make it difficult for me to hate her. Please see this, this, and this, and tell me a small part of you went "yeah, okay, she's pretty awesome". Right?!?! It's the worst! I'm trying so hard to get the truth out about Beyonce's "fake" pregnancy and "fake" birth and there's a little part about me that's going "Chill out bitch. If she wanna fake a baby because she don't wanna lose that body, let her fake-a-baby all she want". So conflicted. Being a Beyonce Birther is tough work. Regardless, do you ever think the baby's real mom will ever come forward with the truth? Do you think that the money will never be enough and she'll sell her story to TMZ or something and try to get fame-rich? Do you think I'll eventually move on to another weird celebrity conspiracy theory? God, I hope so, cause this Beyonce one is killing me.

Welcome to 2012, End of Days!

noreply@blogger.com (The Mayor) — Tue, 03 Jan 2012 21:51:00 +0000

I swear that will be my last End of Days joke for a while. I need to think of some better 2012 jokes than just run-of-the-mill Mayan Calendar stuff, but it's difficult to find time between cheeseburgers and continuing my sworn dedication to the Beyonce birther movement (as in Yeah right that bitch is birthing a baby. More like pulling out the pillow and cutting a cheque for some serious hush-money to a Honduran woman). But I digress.

I was doing some thinking on what I wanted my New Years Resolution to be. I always make tons, and never end up doing them (see: Stand-up comedy, drawing more) but this will be the year I make attainable goals! Goals that I, the laziest fucking human-sloth, can accomplish with even the most minimal effort. Here we go! Here is what I plan on doing this year:

Trying New Foods
This one is exciting for me, since I have a super limited palate. Basically I'm ultra-boring and don't eat anything unless it's meaty, cheesy, or a Pizza Hut pizza with the meaty-cheesy stuffed-crust. I was trying to think up foods I haven't ever eaten (or have eaten, literally, once in my life) and I came out sounding like Charlie on It's Always Sunny ("I've never eaten a pear"). Here's what I plan on trying this year (oh yes, I will blog about it. The internet is nothing but a place for people to post pictures of their meals, amirite?)
- Mangoes
- Tofu
- Ethiopian Food (I just do not even know what it is, but it sounds like it will give me searing hot diarrhea)
- Bok Choy
- Mushroom soup (I haven't willingly eaten this since I was about 7)
- Any kind of mushroom that isn't the small round white kind
- Eggplant
- Plaintains
- French Onion Soup
- Artichoke (the kind from the grocery store, not the delicious kind that comes in a jar filled with vinegar and oil)
- Soba noodles
- Prawns
- Roasted Garlic
- Leeks
- Fiddleheads
- "Roasted Vegetables" (I know this sounds weird, but anything that is ever advertised as having roasted vegetables, I steer clear of. I have never had that gross mix of roasted zucchini, peppers, and onions anywhere near my mouth).
- Almond Milk
- Nut Butters (I've only ever eaten peanut butter. I mean, really, why would I eat anything but?)
- Tequila (I've never tried tequila. It seems gross to me)
- Margarine (I've eaten this once)
- Marmite/Vegemite
- Strawberry syrup for milk
- Yellow Peppers (I've eaten orange and red, so I'm assuming it will be similar)

Obviously I'll come up with more, but for the most part, I'm super picky when it comes to food. Considering I've only been eating avocados for 3 years, this should be interesting (aka I might barf).

Drawing Comics
I draw a lot, and a lot of my funniest jokes can be worked into small stories. I think I'm going to draw some more short things for the internet. Two ideas I have so far: a character called Jewish Cat and the idea that Christians now need to baptize their unborn babies in-utero in the event they miscarry and they still want their fetus to fly up to heaven.
I NEVER SAID THEY WERE GOOD IDEAS.

Finally Watching Friday Night Lights
Seriously, can you think of another lame network drama that people are so unashamed to love? For the longest time I was referring to it as 7th One Tree Hill Heaven: Football Years, which I know is wrong (or is it? They are super religious, right? Or maybe just focus-on-the-family-ish? But it's about teenagers? I have no fucking clue). Whatever, the point is, FNL seems like the kind of show I could get in to. As well, smart people and people with good taste in television seem to like FNL with the fury of a thousand teenage acne explosions (ew) and I am usually pretty trusting of other people's opinions.

Get back into Archer
I really let this one drop off, and I'm ashamed. Archer is such a good show and you all know how huge of a boner I have for Jon Benjamin, plus I don't hate Aisha Tyler anymore (it wasn't her fault she did The Santa Clause 2 & 3, she just had a crummy agent). Long story booooorrinng, Archer will be up next on my Netflix (aka I keep going to my local DVD rental and begging them to buy a new copy to replace the one that keeps getting stolen because I have no internet and therefore, ipso facto, have no Netflix).

Get Regular Haircuts
This seems like a dumb resolution, but I only ever get about 2 hair cuts a year and my hair looks like a discount "Rocker Grunge Girl" wig (dance around the description all you want, WigCraft, but we know you're talking about Courtney Love) at a off-highway Halloween Superstore. So this year I'm going to cut my hair every 6 weeks. When did I get so boring? Oh shit, DON'T ANSWER THAT. I can't handle your truth.

The Best of 2011: Movies

noreply@blogger.com (The Mayor) — Mon, 19 Dec 2011 15:21:00 +0000

This year I saw a lot of bloated garbage. Truth be told, I enjoyed a lot more old movies this year than I did new ones. I don't know why; movies sucked this year maybe? I don't know. Anyways, long story short, I saw 4 movies this year that I actually liked. Here's a breakdown of them in about 1 or 2 sentences:

Bridesmaids
At first I hated it. Then I talked to people and realized I was stupid. It's pretty good, right? Melissa McCarthy is the best.

Martha Marcy May Marlene
I love cults. I love movies about cults. I love this movie.

The Muppets
Loved it. Loved it. Loved it. I smiled the whole time I watched it. Everything about The Muppets was charming.

Cedar Rapids
There is no movie this year I quoted more, re-watched more, and wished I'd owned on DVD more than Cedar Rapids. I love this movie. I want to watch it tonight again.

Movies I still want to see:
Tabloid, Into the Abyss, Terri, Win Win, and maybe if I get around to it, I'll eventually see Drive.

The Best of 2011: Podcasts

noreply@blogger.com (The Mayor) — Mon, 19 Dec 2011 15:21:00 +0000

This is a new category this year! 2011 was officially the year I stopped listening to music and started to get heavily into radio programs. 2011 will forever be the year I became the lamest shit in the universe. Whatever. DON'T CARE. Podcasts have given me a new way to be an introverted, antisocial shell of a human being and I am okay with that. In the event you're old or a dum-dum or you just have no idea what the internet is, a podcast (shorthand for...uh...iPod broadcast? Podular Casticulitis? I don't fucking know, and I'm sure as shit not going to put forth the effort to Google it. Nothing about The Skip-Raid has ever been about education or bettering yourself, so you're going to have to go elsewhere for news and functional thoughts).

Anyways, here are the podcasts that I listen to with such frequency that I could probably categorize them as religions on my yearly census form.

8. The Tobolowsky Files
Here's a fun fact! Ned Ryerson from Groundhog Day has a podcast and it's incredibly entertaining. Stephen Tobolowsky has been in just about everything (including a one-episode role in Community as the professor who teaches the Who's The Boss class). All this podcast is is an hour or so of Tobolowsky talking about something that happened to him on a movie set, which would seem pompous and boring if it weren't for Tobolowsky's incredible gift of charming storytelling. He is so good. I like to put on The Tobolowsky Files when I need to fall asleep; his voice is so reassuring (I think it's because he's from the South). Anyways, Stephen Tobolowsky is easily one of my favourite people in the whole world and I just love that he's making an oral record of his time in Hollywood.

7. Doug Loves Movies
I am not a stoner. I love Stoner King Doug Benson. Doug Loves Movies is very simple: Doug gets a few friends together and they talk about movies in a live club setting. The odd time he records them without an audience, and these are my favourite episodes. I don't know what's wrong with me - I just hate hearing an audience. I think it's because I usually laugh at the things no one else laughs at, so I get stupid judgmental when the audience laughs at something and I think "That wasn't even that funny...". Plus when he records in a studio, I think he's higher, which makes it much funnier. Oh, Doug Benson, you chubby drug-addict, I love you.

6. This American Life
I SWEAR I'M NOT ONE OF THOSE!!! I used to think that people who listened to TAL were total boring pieces of crap who loved the smell of their own farts; then I finally listened to an episode (thanks to CBC Radio 1 airing it on Sunday nights at 11:00pm) and I am in looovvvveeee. Oh, Ira Glass. Ira Ira Ira Glass. You adorable bespectacled smart urban chosen person. TAL is really lovely EXCEPT when they get people on who tell stories in that weird, drawn-out breathy way? "Thattttttt....was the final.....time....I saw....my.....faaaaaather....at the...chicken..raaaanchhhhhhh".

5. Superego
Oh boy, do I ever love talking about Superego! Except that it's SO DIFFICULT to explain, but I'll try:
- 4 comedians
- all good at improv
- I think a lot of the sketches are improvised?
- good guests (Patton Oswalt, Andy Daly, Paul F. Tompkins)
- they do a lot of fake commercials?
- it's only 30 minutes long - give it a chance.
- IT'S THE FUNNIEST, SO START LISTENING TO IT OKAY?

4. Mohr Stories
My friend Tim got me on to Mohr Stories, Jay Mohr's podcast that he records from his house. Jay Mohr is the craziest guy; he started doing stand-up when he was like 15 or something, did SNL, accidentally fell into acting, got Jerry Maguire, got Picture Perfect, was supposed to be the next big thing, didn't, sort of fell into obscurity, did a great show that nobody watched called Action, does stand-up again. But he is the cutest, sweetest guy who has all these stories about acting and his family and how he was a dickbag when he was drinking (he's sober now), how he's constantly scared he won't get work. Plus, here's something I bet you didn't know: Jay Mohr is one of the best impressionists you'll ever hear. He is SO GOOD. Also I think I fell in love with him when he had Kevin Nealon on and he was talking about SNL and Nealon kept being like "what are you talking about? I don't remember that sketch..." and I was like "I DO! JAY, I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT!!"

3. How Did This Get Made?
This is the best idea for a podcast and OF COURSE it was made by Paul Scheer (you genius dum-dum who is funnier than I'll ever be). Paul Scheer, June Diane Rapheal, and Jason Mantzoukas talk about a shitty movie. They usually have a guest (my favourites have been Adam Pally and Kumail Nanjiani) and the movies range from truly shitty classics (Battlefield Earth) to current crappy bombs (I Know Who Killed Me). It's always funny, even though sometimes you get 4 people talking over each other and you want to yell ONE AT A TIME into your speakers.
The first one you should download: The Mac & Me episode. HOLY SHIT.

2. How Was Your Week?
I just discovered Julie Klausner, and that makes me feel like a stupid shit. How did I ignore HWYW for as long as I did? Oh yeah, because every time I was in iTunes I'd go "Girl Podcast? NEWP. See you never" which is wrong and stupid (but also a little true. I mean, I tried to give The Apple Sisters a chance, and that's something I deeply regret). Anyways, Julie Klausner is very funny, very Jewish, very into The Real Housewives of EVERYTHING, hates Patti Stanger, loves basset hounds, knows a lot about Broadway, and has funny friends and gets good guests. Also she never sucks up to her guests, which is something I really enjoy. Anyways, Julie Klausner is my new idol and I look up to her like a big sister. PSYCHO!

1. Sklarbro Country
HENDERSON!!!!!! OSBALDESTON!!!! Folks. If you happen to be a citizen of the calming shores, then I don't need to explain to you why Sklarbro Country is on this list. I don't need to explain why it's number 1 on this list. I don't need to explain to you why you should donate money to Earwolf Studios to keep Randy and Jason recording podcasts for the next 10 years. I don't need to explain avalanches, punched waterfalls, racist Vin Scully, Randy Moss's dog, the 11's and 12's, Bruce Jenner, Sam Elliot, "Ziggy played the Sklar", Monday Night Jihad, brief obsessions with LA Law. In the event you have no idea what the hell I'm talking about, Sklarbro Country is twin brothers (Randy and Jason Sklar) and they talk about stand-up comedy, sports, and indie music. Look, I hate sports as much as the next sport-hating hateful sportsmonger, but this podcast is so easy to listen to. You don't need to know anything about sports; you just need to know what's funny. Get on the iTunes and download as many episodes as you can. Immediately.

Best of 2011: Television

noreply@blogger.com (The Mayor) — Mon, 19 Dec 2011 15:20:00 +0000

Some people are movie people and some people know everything about music. I am proud/ashamed/back to proud again that I know as much about television as a million Wikipedias. I love television. Be it crappy, shitty, campy, stupid, low-brow, I think you get where I'm going with this. So here is a list of the television shows I couldn't do without this year. Please note: 30 Rock isn't on this list. IT KNOWS WHY (it sucked hard this year is why).

11. Any show about Kardashians
Ew ew ewwwwww I can't believe I'm saying this, but this year I really got into Keeping up with the Kardashians. What the hell is wrong with me? I'm not a stupid person. I'm not obsessed with celebrities or tight dresses or hair extensions or listening to people speak as if they're emerging from a coma. But for the love of god, I totally got into the unholy army of attention that is the Kardashian family. I cried while watching all 4 hours of Kim's pretend-fairytale-princess wedding.

10. The League
I wasn't sure that I'd like The League. I started watching it because it has a few of my favourites in it (Paul Scheer, Jason Mantzoukas, Nick Kroll), but it's about fantasy football, which is...you know. But it's so funny. Seth Rogen finally made our Dirty Randy dreams come true (above) after a million jokes about a character that I was sure didn't exist.

9. American Horror Story
Thought it would be lame; pretty much awesome. I like to describe it as Twin Peaks on a McDonalds budget. It's so stupid and campy and the acting - DIOS MIO - the acting!!! It's SO BAD. But it's enjoyable and dumb and scary.

8. It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
...will always be on this list. Always.

7. Happy Endings
I was seriously the biggest Happy Ending bigot you'd ever meet. I didn't know it, I didn't want to know it, I thought it was dumb, I hated Casey Wilson. My friend told me to keep watching it and give it a chance. After watching 3 continuous episodes, I'm really into it. Hell, even Elisha Cuthbert is growing on me (and everyone knows she was the WORST part of the show. Now she's getting better). I like it. I don't mind that it's the show that bumped Cougar Town. I want it to stay on the air.

6. American Dad!
American Dad will always be funny to me, even though it's a Family Guy spin-off. It is, and it isn't. It's barely a Family Guy spin-off; the only real similarity is that Brian the Dog talks and Roger the Alien talks. But Roger the Alien is one of the best characters on television and HE ISN'T REAL. I watch the show just for Roger now (well, and Francine. And Steve and his friends. And when Roger dresses up as Martin Sugar. Oh god, I'm laughing to myself now). Anyways, you're probably not even watching American Dad and that's alright, because some of us are and we're a very loyal legion of dorks and will never let this show get canceled, so you can totally start watching any time you want.

5. Angry Boys
I got so obsessed with this show. It's so good. Well, some parts are lame - I don't totally love S.mouse. Actually, that's not true - I love S.mouse's interactions with his father and girlfriend. And I love when he's driving through the ghetto blasting Slap My Elbow and the thugs walk over to the car and they peel away and he mouths "what the fuck". Also I hate Chris Lilley for making me laugh at this show one minute and then cry the next. OH GOD, GRAN! When Kerri-Anne died - ugh. I'm a loser, this just in.

4. Parks and Recreation
This season gave us Tammy 1. Also it gave us Tammy Zero. Holy lord, WHY DON'T MORE PEOPLE LOVE THIS SHOW AS MUCH AS ME?!?! Fuck, let's continue this conversation below, shall we?

3. Community
Speaking of shows people don't love as much as me...Community: The show that is almost canceled! Lord love a duck, how is it that people haven't fallen in love with Community? Oh wait, I know - it's the same people who nominated Zooey Deschanel's riveting turn as Jess in The New Girl for a Golden Globe award. EW EW EW EW I HATE PEOPLE. If you want to know why Community is so good, go to the YouTube and type in Community + Kiss From a Rose. Oh god - HOW DOES IT ONLY HAVE 35,000 VIEWS?!?!?!?

2. Breaking Bad
I didn't put a picture of the show because - really - how can you beat a picture of Aaron Paul dressed as a chicken and Bryan Cranston dressed as Tio Salamanca? You can't, good answer. So this year I flip-flopped on Breaking Bad pretty hard. The first part of Season 4 was terrible - I think Bryan Cranston was given far too much creative control. But then the last half of the season? Holy shit, no spoilers, but WHAT THE FUCK, GIANCARLO ESPOSITO?!?!?!?!?! God damn. Give that man an Emmy. Give him an EGOT. I don't care. He's the best. Anyways, it would have probably been given the #1 spot if it weren't for all the splotchy episodes in the beginning.

1. Louie
Yep. We all know this show is incredible. Just start watching it if you're not already, okay?

Honorable mention:
Extreme Makeover: Home Edition
Every fiber of my being feels regret when I turn on the TV and dedicate 1 to 2 hours of my life to this show. It's the SAME DAMN SHOW EVERY WEEK. Sad family is sad, Ty Pennington gets drunk and crashes his car into their shitty house, Ty announces he's building them a new house, sad family goes to an ABC-approved vacation destination (aka Disney World), crew spends thousands of dollars turning their house into lots of painted plywood and black and white photographs and shit with family trees, sad family comes home, MOVE THAT BUS!, sad family's dreams have come true, I cry on my couch into a bowl of Doritos.

Of course this list does differ a bit from last year. What's missing?
Law and Order: SVU
It was well-publicized that 2011 would be The Year Without a Stabler. Me no likey. SVU is Detective Elliot Stabler, and Detective Elliot Stabler is SVU. Now SVU is a bunch of new cops, barely any Ice T or Richard Belzer, Olivia Benson has been scaled way back, and no Chris Meloni. What a shame. That show could have gone on forever (thanks to nutcases like me who love to watch new ways for network television to be creepy and disturbing while maintaining a PG rating). Instead this season will probably be its last. Dear NBC: if you cancel SVU, please just make a new show called Stuffy Cops Learn About Internet Sex Stuff that Teenagers are Totally Doing (But Probably Not). "Hey chief, take a look at this. Turns out kids are using games like Angry Birds to create fake online avatars where they live out sexual bird-themed role-play. It's nothing but a new way for predators to get their rocks off".

Dragon's Den
If you're American, you know this show as Shark Tank (which - really - is it even on anymore in the US?) But in Canada we have Dragon's Den and it used to be my favourite show...until...they totally replaced one of the judges with this new guy who is a total wet blanket. And also Robert Herjavec is growing out his hair and it looks SO GROSS.

Cougar Town
PLEASE CANCEL 'THE NEW MANIC PIXIE DREAM GIRL HOUR WITH ZOOEY DESCHANEL' AND BRING BACK COUGAR TOWN.

I went on vacation; here are my thoughts.

noreply@blogger.com (The Mayor) — Mon, 12 Dec 2011 16:10:00 +0000

So you might have noticed that I have been absent lately (BAHAHAHAH who am I kidding? No one noticed this.) The reason for me being MIA has been a terrific combination of laziness, business, and going on a vacation. Unlike my sister, who goes on vacation like it's her job, I never leave my house. It's just that I'm not particularly enamored with the idea of traveling. Besides, is there anything more douchey than when rich white kids talk all wanderlusty? "You need to attend the school of life and get your degree in world cultures. This year I'm taking 3 months to get my masters in Exploring the Streets of France". That's cool, but if I don't show up for work, I don't get paid, so I can't exactly leave town for 6 weeks. Am I jealous? No, I have Google street view; I've seen everything I need to without the smug attitude that comes with saying "You haven't lived till you've seen the sunsets of the Serengeti".

Anyways, my idea of a vacation is absorbing as much low-brow culture as possible; I think that's why I love Florida so much. Is there any other state that fully embraces how trashy it is? I feel like if you called Alabama or Georgia 'a pile of garbage', some native would go "Hey, come on now, Atlanta just got that new contemporary art museum, so that ain't so bad." Meanwhile, if you said the same thing about Florida, the response would be "Hell yeah, we're trash! Fucking proud of it! I ain't putting on pants just cause it's my daughter's wedding. Fuck all y'all snobs." And yeah, I love this. I love how self-aware Florida is. I love how I feel both totally unwelcome and embraced with both arms wide open every time I visit. I like Florida because I fit in; I want to surround myself with other trashy people and eat at Cracker Barrel and we all look around at each other and think "There isn't nobody in here with a proper haircut; we're all in this together." Also, fat people.

I hadn't been on a vacation in over a year, so I decided to take a week off work and go somewhere with a guy I just started seeing. I was told this would be either the best idea or the worst idea, but really - who cares? I'm not donating a kidney. This time I wanted to branch out and go somewhere different than the East side of 'Merica; I know the South inside and out, and I could probably drive Florida with my eyes closed, so we decided to find the second trashiest place in the U.S. and settled on Las Vegas. Spending a week in Las Vegas is enough to drive anyone to kill themselves (especially in this post-The Hangover world we live in), we also decided to visit Los Angeles. All in all, we put our feet in three different states: Arizona (for like 30 minutes), Nevada (the biggest little eyesore in America), and California (home of former disgraced Governor Arnold "Jingle All the Way" Schwarzenegger). Here is a summation of my vacation:

DRIVING
We flew into Las Vegas, but after that we drove everywhere. Rental cars in the U.S. are so cheap, I cannot wrap my mind around it. It cost us a little over $100 for a week; that's how much I'd pay to rent a car and drive up to my parent's house in Northern Ontario for a day. For an extremely busy pedestrian city like Las Vegas, driving was super smooth and easy to do; there is literally no traffic in that city. Thousands of cars, no traffic. I guess good city planning? We drove out to the border of Nevada and Arizona, drove to the Hoover Dam, drove to Los Angeles. The drive to LA was amazing; tons of mountains and deserty-things, but I'll talk more about that later. Okay, so everyone talks about how driving in LA is insane and those people are 100% correct; you cannot fall asleep when you're driving in Los Angeles or you will get rear-ended or crash into a Starbucks or run your car off a cliff like the wheelchair kid in Mac & Me. Luckily we drove like Mad Max the whole week and never got into an accident. I know that people joke about the traffic in LA a lot, but it wasn't really ever a huge issue (this could be because Toronto is a nightmare when it comes to traffic, so I'm used to it).

THE DESERT
I always thought it would be awesome to drive through the desert, so we made our way west on a small highway. The trip took something crazy like 6 hours, but it was worth it because I saw a cactus (you know the kind that look like a person with their hands in the air during a bank robbery?) We also drove through Joshua Tree National Park and I saw snake holes. Also there was snow on the ground in some parts. I know, right? WTF. Also everything looked like Road Runner. I felt like I was in a cartoon.

FOOD
Santo dios. We ate a lot of food out of trucks parked in parking lots. All of it was delicious. I want to live my life forever eating out of food trucks. I ate a Pogo that was just cheese. JUST CHEESE. I ate a bun with mac and cheese in it. I had fish tacos from Mexican ladies. Also I drank my first Four Loko; Jesus Christ, I have never drank anything so disgusting in my life (and I LOVE the taste of cough syrup).
I also tried In-and-Out burger for the first time in my life too; this is a big deal, since cheeseburgers are my favourite food and I consider myself to be a bit of an expert. I will say this: I liked In-and-Out, but they're no Burger's Priest.
For the first time in my life I saw lemons and oranges growing on trees, on people's front yards no less! It was really remarkable and made me feel like a child discovering something for the first time. I felt bad taking fruit off people's lawns, so one night I crept up to a house and ripped some oranges off a branch and ate them in the car. Here's the thing about oranges straight off the tree - they're not really sweet. They taste more like orange bathroom cleanser. They smelled wonderful though.

WEATHER
It was always about 20 degrees in Los Angeles. I can't believe that. I'm used to 0 degree Decembers.

RADIO
There are like a million Spanish stations and the rest are good rap stations.

CHRISTMAS
Everyone was buying real-live Christmas trees and everyone's house had tons of lights on it. And if you don't celebrate Christmas, there were tons of glitzy Hannukah decorations on everything. LA is a very festive place for a city that doesn't get any snow.

CELEBRITIES
I honestly don't care for celebrity culture. Actually, scratch that - I fucking love it, especially bony junkies like Lindsay Lohan, but in regards to getting star-struck over people, I just don't. I'm more likely to get star-struck over character-actor Stephen Tobolowsky than George Clooney. So I wasn't actively looking for celebrities while in Los Angeles (and really - would that make for a boring-as-hell trip or what?). But I did see some people that I thought were cool.
Mike Tyson - I physically bumped into him by accident because I'm a clumsy asshole. I am taller than him, which felt super weird, because I always imagined he was 7 feet tall.
NeNe Leakes - NeNe was staying at the same hotel I was, which made me feel very fancy. Because if NeNe Leakes doesn't represent class and elegance, then I don't know who does. I felt a little star-struck over NeNe because people know how I feel about the Real Housewives franchise (aka I LOVE IT). I considered asking her for a picture, but then decided to bask in her glamour from afar while I checked in.
Patricia Field - There was a gala (EW) at my hotel wherein the biggest celebrity there was Kendra Wilkinson (so, the saddest event ever) but Patricia Field was there taking pictures with people and she looked so happy and adorable. I hope I'm her when I'm old (her, or Betsey Johnson).
Amanda Bynes - I'm pretty sure it was here, but it could have been someone else who's had too much work done for someone under 30.

That's about it. I have a post about Vegas slot machines soon and will also be talking about two 'Merican foods that I found totally unnecessary (aka Total Necessary). Peace!

Do you like free Michael Jackson stuff? Not so fast, Jermaine...

noreply@blogger.com (The Mayor) — Fri, 18 Nov 2011 15:03:00 +0000

The last time I went to karaoke with my friends, someone picked "Billy Jean" and I pulled an asshole move wherein I said, out loud, "Oh, come ON. Really?" The place we normally go to plays weirdo Korean pop videos while you sing, but at the classy place we went to, half the time they played the actual videos. So Billy Jean comes on and I realize the video they set it to was that Motown 25 performance. The only thing I could think was: Jesus christ, he moonwalked the shit out of that song. And then I felt like a turd for being a downer about Billy Jean.

I've written about Michael Jackson before. I've made it clear I wasn't a huge fan of him, but rather I was a fan of the stuff he begat.
- "Stark Raving Dad" is one of my favourite episodes of The Simpsons
- I love "Eat it" and "Fat" by Weird Al
- Is there anything more 90s than Macaulay Culkin in the "Black or White" video?
- I love Vincent Price and I love Thriller
- Captain EO was the first 3D movie I ever saw and I remember annoying the hell out of my parents by fumbling with the 3D glasses every 2 seconds

So last week I was approached to give away a couple of copies of Michael Jackson: The Life of an Icon. What is it exactly? Well, why don't I let the articulate press release tell you?

Available 11/1 on Blu-ray and DVD. See Michael Jackson, one of the most recognizable and popular entertainers of all time, like never before in the feature-length tribute Michael Jackson: The Life of an Icon. Known to millions of fans worldwide for his record-breaking albums, groundbreaking music videos, mesmerizing dance moves and humanitarian efforts, his true story has never really been told...until now. This unprecedented look into the King of Pop's fascinating life includes all-new interviews with his mother Katherine Jackson as well as siblings Tito and Rebbie Jackson, family, friends and music legends such as Smokey Robinson, Dionne Warwick and many more.

...And I said: "It features Tito AND Dionne Warwick? Yes."

So do you want a free copy? I have 3 to give away, and all you need to do is the following:
1. Decide that you like free DVDs
2. Email me with your favourite piece of Michael Jackson pop-culture. It can be a story, an esoteric reference from TV ("No man. He made Thriller. Thriller." - Chappelle's Show), something material (remember the Michael Jackson dolls??). Anything! Just tell me something that reminds you of Michael Jackson.
3. Email me, The Mayor, at skipraid@gmail.com with your story.
4. Have one of the 3 best stories and you get a DVD. For free. I pay for S&H.
5. It's that easy.

So seriously, if you like MJ and you like documentaries and you like old-ass footage of The Jackson 5 and lil' Janet and Liz Taylor and Bubbles and stuff, email me and you might find a DVD in your mail box. You can do with it what you wish! Hell, Christmas is coming up; you could always get a head-start on your re-gifting.

And now for some fun Skip-Raid legal!
Winners will be notified by email, all information sent to skipraid@gmail.com is confidential and never will be given out for marketing/sales use, etc etc. The Skip-Raid respects your privacy and can promise you won't start getting weird shit in your inbox. DVDs have been generously provided by Universal Studios Home Entertainment. Any company who releases Uncle Buck on Blu-Ray is ok in my books. Thanks, Universal Studios Home Entertainment.

Shame Crushes

noreply@blogger.com (The Mayor) — Wed, 16 Nov 2011 18:45:00 +0000

My favourite podcast right now is How Was Your Week? with Julie Klausner. Look, I know I go through phases where I say something is my favourite and then I forget about it like 3 weeks later and then it gets canceled and I lament that no one got into it and now it's ruined for me and bla bla bla. I have a feeling we'll be revisiting this once Community gets canceled (WHICH IT TOTALLY WILL BECAUSE IT IS 2011'S ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT). Julie Klausner's podcast, in the event you are not familiar, is her chatting with people (mostly funny, sometimes interesting aka Book People) and talking about television. Julie Klausner loves (read: love/hates) Bravo's Millionaire Matchmaker's Patti Stanger almost more than me. I say almost because there was a time in my life when I used to follow Stanger's dating advice to the T (like, I wouldn't kiss anyone on the first date because Patti says it means you're cheap. In reality, when a date is going really well, and you shake the guys hand at the end of the date, it is very confusing for them and they're usually throw off by how much of a shithead you are. And to answer your question: Yes Yes I have ended many dates with handshakes. I'll write about dating some other time, because right now I'm talking about Patti Stanger and podcasts and not about me being a complete socially-retarded loser).
Anyways. I was going back through all the old HWYW's and found an awesome episode with Rob Delaney where she asked him about his shame crushes. Obviously, these are people you should be ashamed to have a crush on, and not like, crushes on a cousin or your cat or something (cause that's something you shouldn't be ashamed of, amirite? Joking! Unless you want to marry your cat, in which case, a hearty Mazel Tov to you). His shame crushes were pretty typical: Tom Hardy, Fran Drescher, Phylicia Rashād dressed as a cop, Octomom. I mean, they're gross, but nothing to be particularly be ashamed of. This got me thinking: Who are my shame crushes? Oh shit, here we go...

Hank Kingsley (from The Larry Sanders Show)
Hank is old, wears good suits, has a deep voice, and would totally take you out for dinner to a really nice place. Probably steak. Maybe surf and turf or something. Do I want steak and lobster? Meh, why not. Although I would also do Larry Sanders, Artie, and Phil the Writer too (...not at the same time. Hey-now.) Maybe that's not the best example.

Abraham Lincoln
Forget that Lincoln maybe, sort-of, might have been, was pretty much proven to be gay. Let's look at the facts:
- tall
- looks good in a hat
- worked the shit out of the half-beard
- freed the slaves
I don't see how you can argue against the last one, really.

Will Forte
I should NOT have to justify this one, and I should also not be ashamed. What I SHOULD be ashamed of is the moment I fell in love with him (Lazy Horse Mattress & Bedding commercial. Look it up. Then call my therapist).

Randy Newman
Yeah, THAT Randy Newman. And not like, 'Randy Newman in the 70s with the awesome hair' either. Present day Newman. Fuck, while we're at it...

Alfred E Neuman
I mean, if he was a real guy. I like the string tie and the gap in his teeth.

The Burger King
YES I WOULD

Daniel Tosh
This is probably the most shameful of the whole list. He's so douchey and mainstream; he's like Dane Cook. I bet he has sex with girls with implants. I bet he calls his friends bros. I bet he wears polo shirts. Why do I want to marry him so hard?

Lamar Odom
I don't much care for jocks. But lord love a duck, there is something so charming and cute about Lamar Odom. Maybe it's because he's with She-Hulk (Khloe Kardashian) and that tells me that looks don't matter to him.

Dr. Drew Pinsky
I'd also take Dr. Oz. Yeah, throw his hat into the ring too.

Fancy French Chippies

noreply@blogger.com (The Mayor) — Mon, 14 Nov 2011 17:53:00 +0000

Holy shit, sorry for the two-week hiatus, everyone! I would say I had a good reason, but that's not true. I just got lazy and got really into naps and Starbucks. Can we talk about Starbucks Holiday Drinks please? Okay, I get that some of you are rolling your eyes because Starbucks is so evil and run by Satan and destroying America and we are the 99% etc etc etc, but just shut up for a second, okay? Starbucks isn't evil, doesn't run small coffee places out of business, doesn't treat its employees like crap. It's not the worst. Besides that, November 2nd they release Holiday Drinks, and I totally lose my shit. Eggnog lattes. Gingerbread lattes. Peppermint mochas (ew, not that good actually). All I wanna do for 2 solid months is drink eggnog and eat gingerbread. 2 months. Don't care. Anyways, the reason why I brought it up is because I have been drinking at least 1 eggnog latte a day, and today was the first day I brought my own eggnog to work to make eggnog lattes all day long. I might have a problem. Moving on.

A little while ago, my friend Caitlin went on a trip with her boyfriend to Paris. I got really excited because I know that France is the place where you can get mustard-flavoured potato chips. So I asked her to bring me back some. Cut to two weeks later when she gets back and wasn't able to find me any (FUCKED AGAIN!!! This happened when my sister went to France too) but she did bring me back chips, albeit not vinegary-yellow-mustardy ones.

In case you don't read French, the bag is telling us that these are Lay's Bolognaise flavour chips. They're always so tasty/delicious even though they have 25% less salt and they're not made with palm oil (two things I don't care about. The bag could say 250% more salt and filled with illegal, rare, extinct palm oil and I'd still NOM NOM NOM right down to the bottom of the bag).

I wasn't entirely sure what 'Bolognaise' meant; I know it's a spaghetti sauce, but my knowledge of Italian foods doesn't extend that far past Chef Boyardee and The Olive Garden, so I did some research. Bolognaise is a meat sowsa that is just like, beef and tomatoes and garlic and onions and stuff. Pretty basic. I think that's what you get when you get anything from East Side Marios (that, and IBS. Oh, and all you can eat garlic loaf). But on the chip package it looks like the main flavours are tomatoes and basil. This would make it...Marinara? I dunno. I ate them to find out.

Damn boo, them chips is orange. I was expecting red or brown (ew). The smell was very potato-y; it wasn't really "Italian" or tomato-y. The only exposure I've had to either of those flavours is Ketchup chips (delicious) and Pizza Pringles (fucking gross).

Two things. First off, it didn't taste like Ketchup and it didn't taste like Pizza Pringles. I wouldn't describe them as tomato/basil though; it was more like a salad dressing flavour. All Dressed? Yeah, maybe like a bizarro French All Dressed. It wasn't very tangy, the way you'd expect a tomato chip to be. It did have elements of basil, but not that kick that says "I have basil in my mouth". The best way I can describe it is that it doesn't taste like cheese and it doesn't taste like creamy. It's the absence of flavour. Second, the flavour wasn't really sprinkled on, like Canadian and America chips. It's like it's baked or fried into the chip? It's odd, sort of like a greasy little taste package. I didn't complain - I ate them all.

So would I eat these again? Yeah, probably. They weren't gross, but they didn't hit the spot like a mustard chip would (then again, nothing will). Next time you're in France, buy some. Eat them with lunch, but not with dinner - they're too light a chip. What's a dinner chip, you ask? Easy - Doritos, or anything Sour Cream & Onion.

What's it like to celebrate Hallowe'en with kids?

noreply@blogger.com (The Mayor) — Mon, 31 Oct 2011 14:12:00 +0000

So, tonight is one of my favourite days of the year. I spent two nights this weekend in a home-made squirrel costume, watched 6 Treehouse of Horrors, made both pumpkin and spiderweb cupcakes for work, ate tons of pumpkin and caramel flavoured-things, and have gorged myself on candy (and it's only Monday morning). Tonight I'll eat pizza and watch John Carpenter's Halloween and fall asleep to The Shining. So excited. But my night might be much more different from yours if you have kids. Since I don't have any kids (that I know of! Hey-o! Wait, that jokes doesn't make sense if you're a girl...) I don't know what it's like to get excited with your kids, hand out candy, carve a pumpkin you'll be terrified will end up smashed against your house, the constant fear that teenagers will egg your car, and the inevitable sorting of candy from possible razor-blade-laced apples when your kid dumps their pillowcase of treats all over the floor. So I thought I'd ask someone with kids what it's like. When I was growing up, my best friend Marina lived down the street from me and her parents loved Hallowe'en as much as mine did. She moved way up north when we were 10 and I haven't seen her since (unless Facebook counts). But she is a regular reader/commented of The Skip-Raid, and she's got a good sense of humor, so I thought I'd ask her what it's like to celebrate Hallowe'en with children. Marina and her husband have two kids: Randy, who's in school, and Nala who is 3. We chatted over email about what her kids will be dressed up as, who gives out the candy, babies with goiters, and one of our old neighbors who might be in prison or dead. Let's learn about Hallowe'en, shall we?!?

1. What are your kids going as for Halloween?
Randy wants to be Mario, but it’s near impossible to find overalls for him, and Nala is going to be a pirate.

2. If they had no say in it whatsoever, and you didn't have to worry about judgey mommies, what would you dress them as?
Hmm... that’s hard. I really pushed for Randy to be Inspector Gadget but I couldn't get him to go for it. I had it planned so well in my head. I also tried to talk him into this ridiculous looking Pikachu costume, but he wouldn't go for that either!

3. What's Halloween like in your neighborhood?
KIDS EVERYWHERE. And they don't even friggin say trick or treat anymore so when they don't we just open the door and give them blank stares... its awesome

4. Do you guys carve pumpkins?
Yes!

5. Do you make pumpkin seeds in the oven? Do your kids eat them? I used to annihilate those when my dad made them.
Yes, I make 2 kinds though, seasoning salt, and then seasoning salt mixed with chili powder, it's really good. One year I burnt them though so that was a bummer, and it also sucks when you hardly get any seeds out of a pumpkin!

6. What kind of candy do you guys give out?
Usually chocolate and those Maynard candy thingies, like sour patch kids and Swedish berries. And then a bag of live saver suckers or something

7. Who stays home and who takes the kids out?
We used to do one side of the street each, but now I make him do the walking and I hunker down at the end of my driveway with blankets and tea.

8. When they bring home their candy, what's the weirdest/lamest stuff they've ever gotten?
Peanuts in the shell... no one wants that! Oh and he did get a fortune cookie one time too. My neighbor gives out glow sticks, which are maybe lame to older kids, but the smaller ones love it. Last year some lady contacted the online newspaper in our city and reported after eating a candy from our neighborhood she was foaming at the mouth. That was freaky, until police investigated and it had nothing to do with the candy she ate. I guess she was just foaming.

9. Do you ever take out the crap and give it out to other kids? My dad used to do that. I feel like kids knew that by 8pm, my house was exclusively giving out small shitty gumballs.
HAHAH yes! One year though, when we just moved here, my husband panicked about it, ran to the corner store and got full sized chocolate bars and those airhead candy things... and we got like 2 kids after that. And he got Oh Henry bars, and I don't even like those, so it was stupid.

10. You let the kids keep the cans of pop?
Yeah, why wouldn't I? Now you have me thinking about it!

11. Do kids still do Unicef?
I've only seen one kid with a box.

12. Do you keep money out for Unicef, or do you just tell them you do don't that stuff?
I'd give it I guess, depending on the looks of the kid. Haha, that’s terrible, but really I would. I remember people used to have a candy dish, and a penny dish at the door!

13. How do you decorate your house: super scary or just theme-y?
Theme-y

14. Is there is a house in the neighborhood that does it up really crazy?
Not in this neighborhood, but the neighborhood I grew up in there was a man who went all out, until teenagers ruined it one too many times and he got mad and never did it again.

15. Do you remember the Hallowe'en that we were trick or treating together (this is going waaaay back) and there was that house around the corner from yours that was the same model as your house (it was right near Brandon Rozer - holy shit, remember him? I think he's dead or in jail now) and their dad used to answer the door dressed like Frankenstein? I totally lost my shit. I think Amber was there too. Like, I remember freaking the fuck out and just running.
HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHA yessssss! OMG, well first of all, Brandon Rozer - I do remember and I used to have him on Facebook. The ONLY reason I remember him, is because I believe that my first time hearing a racist comment was from him. He said, "My dad says all Germans have square heads." And I pictured that FOREVER. I bring it up probably once a month. He also told everyone his middle name was Rad. As for Frankenstein, I believe the one kids name was also Randy, and he had a lisp. Not sure if its the right house but I do remember being terrified of the Frankenstein man. Oh, remember that guy Kade who lived behind you almost and got stung in the neck by a bee so that Ellen woman who had the baby with a hernia stuck half an onion on it? Hahaha I hope you do. That Ellen woman was crazy by the way.
*Note from The Mayor: the Frankenstein dad wasn’t Randy-with-a-lisp’s Dad, it was someone else. But I will mention that I had a major crush on Randy-with-a-lisp when I was 7. Oh, and it wasn't just a lisp, it was also a crazy speech impediment. What? Exactly.

16. Tell me about some of your Halloween costumes from when you were a kid.
Ok, That is a huge difference from me to my kids. I buy my kids their costumes. The majority of mine were made by my mom, and she would make all 3 of ours! I have been a witch, clown, bride, baby (ew) scarecrow, hiker (?) umm... I can't remember any good ones that I was. My sister had good ones, like Tasmanian devil, ninja turtles and Simba.

17. You have cats, right?
Gizmo and Soup are the kitties.

18. Do you dress up the cats?
I tried one year to make Soupy a Tinkerbell costume but she hated it and the wings wouldn't stay straight when she walked

19. Do your kids just lose it when they get all their candy home? Do you have a hard time putting them to bed?
They go to bed ok, and don't really lose it the way I remember being insane. I sorted it all by type and sat there all goo goo eyed. Maybe they will get that this year? Although Randy caught Nala eating rockets the other day from last Halloween that she found in the cupboard and absolutely went bat shit crazy about how he was saving it because it was "lucky candy."

20. Do you enforce the winter coat rule, or do you let them walk around in their costumes, the whole while they're promising you they're "not cold at all".
Yeah, they usually wear snowpants, hat, mitts and coats. It’s freezing out there!

21. Where do you buy your Halloween candy?
Usually Walmart in Michigan, the have better stuff and its not 50 dollars for 5 candies. I hate how expensive it is!

22. What's your favourite sandwich?
CLUB!!! I tried a Ruben last time I was in Michigan and it was SO bad! I also got a chicken fried steak and that was weird too.

Shitty Sexy Hallowe'en Costume Bonanza!!

noreply@blogger.com (The Mayor) — Tue, 25 Oct 2011 20:45:00 +0000

If Hallowe'en was a science experiment, the one constant would be that sluts absolutely go crazy for it. Every year on the last Saturday in October, sluts 'round the world take part in a ritual as old as time (or at least the mid-90s) wherein only the vagina and nipples of one's body are covered by items that only vaguely remind the wearer of a specific idea. Creativity be dammned; on the eve of Slutoween, anything is a considered a costume. Orange bra and booty shorts? You're a traffic cone. Long black tank-top? You're a nun. Panties and black rimmed glasses? You're a nerd.

On Jezebel.com this week, they had an article about alternatives to the "sexy" costume for women. The message was pretty easy to understand: Hey ladies! You don't need to go as something slutty! Here are some creative costumes that people will think are really cool (even if they're sort of boring, like Amelia Earhart and shit). Of course, every single comment was like "OMG guys!! Sexy costumes are soooo demeaning! All they do is objectify women! This year I'm going as a sexy toaster as a joke!" But it's like, um what? You're still going as something "sexy", even if it's arbitrary and tongue-in-cheek. There were a million "I'm dressing up as Sexy Abraham Lincoln!!!" Yeah, har har, you're a genius.

I've written about slutty, trashy Hallowe'en costumes before, and this year I think women have managed to out-slut themselves. Here we go - the skankiest, stupidiest, shittiest costumes you're bound to see staggering home drunk at 3am on October 29th.

Sexy Candyland Pop Singer (aka Katy Perry)
If there's one thing I hate, it's dressing up as popular singers for Halloween. Remember two years ago when EVERYBODY was Lady Gaga? It's just the most obvious and typical. Plus, everyone knows who you are, so it's not that clever (look, if my Grandmother sees you out of the corner of her bad eye and knows you're the "young lady who sings that California Squirrels song", then you didn't work hard enough at a good costume).

Sexy Katy Perry rip-off No. 2
Again with the Katy Perry costumes. Look, her stage persona is campy and skanky on purpose; to dress up like Katy Perry is to say "I am dressed up as someone who makes millions of dollars shooting whipped cream out of their boobs". Speaking of which...

Sexy Katy Perry rip-off No. 3
I will admit: for a slutty costume, this one is pretty good. It's just straight-up skanky. There's nothing coy or cutesy about this. This is underwear with whipped cream titties. The only reason this loses massive points is because you will no doubt have to walk around holding up the canisters all night long and forego your use of hands ("OMG how will i do shots?!?!")

Sexy...uh...The Bomb (?)
So, what - you're Sexy Outdated Slang? Next year you should go as The Hand ("Hey boy! Talk to me! Get it?! BUY ME SHOTS!!") Also, who but white 40-year-old Bros said 'the bomb'? Wasn't it da bomb? EW, WHO EVER SAID DA BOMB?!?! (Maybe Sisqo?)
Final thought: This costume makes you look like you're wearing a giant, shit-filled trashbag diaper.

Sexy Wet T-Shirt Contestant
Oh wow, this is...classy and demure; I'm sure you're parents would be very proud. This is one of those costumes where I think "Honestly, there's not much between this and topless, and topless is Free. You paid too much".

Sexy Trophy Wife
The only person who chooses this costume is one who's husband has banged so many secretaries his dick smells like photocopier toner.

Sexy Blow Up Doll
Whoa! Hey now! This is more disturbing than it needs to be. It looks like a cross between a traditional Sexy costume and the pig-faced doctors from The Twilight Zone.

Sexy Pinocchio
The Pinocchio costume only works for guys (well, frat guys and guys who have suffered from head injuries) because they can make tons of stupid wood-themed double-entendres and jokes about "why don't you sit on my nose and I'll tell you a bunch of lies" jokes. Ugh. I am really glad I'm not friends with people like that (Who? Andrew Dice Clay?) Also, is there anything less sexy about those shoes? They look like dinner rolls.

Sexy Where's Waldo?
The first time this was done, it was funny. The second time this was done, it was charming. The 17,824th time this was done, it was fucking DONE TO DEATH.

Sexy RoboCop
Nothing about this is sexy. Well, okay, maybe the stripper heels, but everything else about this is just super weird and doesn't make a lick of sense. How is she RoboCop? Was there ever a Lady RoboCop (RoboParkingEnforcement?) I would just absolutely love to know what kind of woman chooses this costume, and then have her tested to see what kind of rare neurological disorder she has.

Sexy Rosie, the Jetson's robot maid
OMG YOU'RE CARRYING HER DECAPITATED HEAD AROUND AS A PURSE.

Sexy Shrek's Wife
This makes little sense to me, because why wouldn't you just go as a sexy viking or sexy warrior? Why does it also have to be Shrek-themed? What kind of boring sad-sack loves both Shrek and being sexy so much that they want to work it into a Hallowe'en costume? I don't get people.

Sexy Marvin the Martian
Know who would love this costume? Black dudes from 1994. Remember when everyone wore thugged-out Warner Brothers t-shirts and shit? There are pictures of me, circa 1995, wearing a t-shirt with Bugs, Daffy, and Taz G'd up from the feet up (and then pictures of them in reverse on the back of the shirt) floating around on the internet somewhere. But that doesn't mean that 15 years later I'd be really into dressing up like a Marvin the Martian stripper.

Sexy Jason Voorhees
This looks more like a Linebacker for the Friday the 13th-themed football team. The model for this also looks like a serial killer version of Kim Kardashian. I'm so confused by what's going on here. Why would Jason wear a jersey with his face on it? Why isn't her face weird and mangled underneath the mask? When did Jason get such beautiful hair? Look, the only people who should be allowed to dress up as Jason are 13-year-old boys who just watched the movie for the first time last summer. Case closed.

Sexy Michael Myers
More like Sexy Disco Myers, amirite? What in the name of cameltoe hell is going on here? Here's the thing about serial killer costumes and women: Ladies who are REALLY into serial killers/horror movies will go to great lengths to cosplay the shit out of their costume. You will swear you're looking at the REAL Leatherface or the REAL Captain Spaulding. Never would they buy a cheap-looking polyester jumpsuit and go as "That, like, scary guy from that Halloween movie.". You know who's going to hit on you while you're wearing this? Total weirdos.

Sexy Chucky
Jesus Christ, Bride of Chucky has a jokey sexy character in it already, so why would you go as Sexy Chucky?? Go as Jennifer Tilly as Tiffany!! Come on, the movie is practically handing you an overtly-sexy costume, and you choose to sex-up the little boy doll instead? WTF?

Sexy Green Hornet
What's worse that going as Sexy Green Hornet?

...going as Sexy Sidekick Kato.

Sexy (or regular?) Lady Gaga
Please. Please just let this costume die. Know what this costume is? It's your kid 20 years in the future going "OMG one year my mom dressed up as Lady Gaga!" and every other kid in the class goes "Mine too."

Sexy Scarecrow
How close do you have to stand to the microwave in order to be so brain-dead that this is the best you could come up with? No, I'm serious. Like, 2 inches away? 1 inch away? "I'm old clothes that a farmer stuffs with hay and sets up in the field to scare away birds...but also sexy."

Sexy Mrs. Potato Head
Mrs. Potato Head, by nature, is a very rotund large woman. For all extensive purposes, we can also say it's a characteristic of her relationship as well; both her and her husband are persons of larger carriage. So why is this one so skinny? I would never go as Sexy Biggest Loser Contestant or Sexy Gabourey Sidibe; it doesn't make sense. Also, imagine dressing up like this and meeting someone who grew up in like, The Sudan or something, wh never played with Mr. and Mrs. Potato Head? Imagine explaining that to them? "Well, okay, so it's a potato, and you have eyes and noses and mouths and stuff and you stick them into the potato, and then you have a person? But the person looks like they have a potato for a head? Oh fuck it, WHO WANTS TO BUY MEEEE REDBULL SHOTS!?!?!"

Sexy 1980s...Person...?
Are we not done with 80s nostalgia yet? I mean, I remember 10 years ago when 80s nostalgia was massive. I'm not above it; I thought Oingo Boingo was amazing and I totally died over mismatched earrings. But now that I'm not 19 years old anymore, and way more jaded and negative, I can realize that the 80s were just dreadful. What was I trying to get at again? Oh yeah, this was my round-about way of saying that no one ever dressed like this in the 80s. No one. This is like what Disney World will dress animatronics up like on the Rockin' Retro Regan ride (opening Summer 2046). I really love the t-shirt though; nothing says "ambiguous costume" like having to wear a giant clue on your shirt. And really, if you're going to go as a lady who loves the 80s, go as the original.

Sexy Penthouse Magazine Cover
And finally, we have the sluttiest of the sluttiest, the lamest of the lame, and the laziest costume made for skanks you've ever seen. Drumroll please: you're going out for Hallowe'en dressed as a publication used for wanking! That's it. You're dressed as masturbation. You're porn. Look, I'm no Prudie Judy, but this is straight up sad. How many levels below ground floor does your self-esteem-elevator need to plummet before you look yourself in the mirror and say "This year I'm going as jerk-off material"? There's nothing coy about this either; you are literally a magazine that dudes beat off to. All ranting aside though, wtf is with the pants? In the picture, she's bottomless, but then a crotch with legs in yoga pants are there? This is some weird David Lynch/Twin Peaks shit. The Girl from Another Place with Two Crotches. Shouldn't she be nude on the bottom? Or just like, always sitting down or something? THIS DOESN'T MAKE SENSE! Look lady, next year save yourself $40 (plus $15.95 for shipping and handling), wear your underwear (it's fine, it's Hallowe'en, no one will notice) get guys numbers at a party, and send them pics of your crootch. There! Your costume is Sexy Sexting, and you didn't spend a dime. You're welcome.

Crappy Halloween Costumes

noreply@blogger.com (The Mayor) — Fri, 21 Oct 2011 20:01:00 +0000

You know that every year I write about Hallowe'en costumes, and this year will be no exception. I might do baby costumes, or I might talk about shitty pet costumes, but I'll probably just go safe and make fun of slutty costumes. However, one thing I won't be talking about is shitty knock-off costumes. Why? Because my internet-blogger-bestie over at MommyBogYay already wrote an incredible post about crappy copyright-infringey store-bought costumes and I urge you to read it. Very funny, very clever, and not a poo-joke or an F-word to be found (sometimes I feel like you deserve better than that).

I cannot believe I have never written about Hallowe'en candy

noreply@blogger.com (The Mayor) — Mon, 17 Oct 2011 19:58:00 +0000

Look, let me first start by saying that I don't feel comfortable making fun of children. We've all had out moments where we're criminally lame and embarrassing (Ref: Myself, ages 3 through 23) so there's no reason to be critical of a child; they don't know any better. So I'll keep this comment short and to the point: what the hell is this kid supposed to be dressed up as? A Christian? The visual representation of a client meeting? Is he Microsoft PowerPoint? (He's Christian PowerPoint, right?) I found this image by Googling Kid with Halloween Candy; parents, don't put pictures of your kids on the internet. 10 minutes in Photoshop and I could turn this into a meme. Moving on.

My birthday is on October 12th, and its position in the middle of the month heralds in several fun, important dates.
1. Right after my birthday I know I have a little more than 2 weeks till Hallowe'en
2. The day after Hallowe'en, stores start putting out Christmas things and TV starts showing Christmas commercials
3. The middle of November is American Thanksgiving, which means that Christmas is just around the corner
4. December 1st happens and all I do is watch Home Alone and Christmas Vacation all day long.

Well, that makes me sound like the coolest ever. Anyways, right after my birthday I sat back and started thinking about Hallowe'en. How many pumpkins would I put out on my office desk? How much candy corn will I eat? What will I dress up as? And with that, I realized that after almost 5 years of writing about both Hallowe'en and candy on this blog, I have never EVER written about Hallowe'en candy. That seems weird to me. So, without further boring exposition, here is a breakdown of my all-time favourite Hallowe'en candy, and the shit I used to throw into the sewer before I'd get home.

MY FAVOURITES!

Large candy bars
Obviously, this isn't common. You'd be lucky to get one large candy bar, maybe two if luck was on your side and you hit up the rich houses before they ran out. Large candy bars were usually cut up by my parents and split between everyone in the kitchen.

Mini candy bars
One thing I've noticed about the miniature, or 'treat-sized', candy bars in the USA is that they're much smaller than the ones in Canada. This is a good thing if the house you're going to gives you a small handful, but chances are you're going to get one (8-year-old me says: "Fuck...what a gyp!")

Caramel squares
I know a lot of people who will classify this candy as the type that gets thrown out, but I used to straight-up covet caramel squares. I would sneak them and eat them in my room, since their wrapper is so small and clear, it was easy to hide the evidence.

Starburst
I enjoyed receiving starbursts because they usually came 2 to a pack. Although the cheap parents used to rip open the packages and just give you a single wrapped candy. Um, I'm sorry, but if money's that tough for you guys, maybe you should consider turning off the lights and not celebrating Halloween (oh fuck, that was unnecessarily bitchy).

Candy Corn
It's not that bad.

Hallowe'en Kisses (molasses candies)
I didn't much care for these as a kid, but now? Holy shit, I luuuurve thems!!!

Bags of Ketchup chips
The odd time you'd get a very small bag of ketchup chips. I have no idea where the people bought them, because up until like, 2005, you couldn't get very small Halloween-sized bags of chips. So I'd eat them, but I would just have no clue how this person came into 100 small tiny bags of ketchup chips that didn't exist outside of Halloween.

"EWWW, TAKE IT BACK" AKA THE WORST

Cans of pop
I used to hate cans of pop for two reasons:
1. I didn't like Coke, and it was ALWAYS Coke
1.a. If you went to a broke-ass house, then it was RC Cola or No Name Cola-like Soda
2. They were too heavy and used to weigh down your pillowcase

Apples
After all that "they hide razor blades and child molesters in apples" talk that you're taught in school, who the fuck would be dumb enough to hand out apples? Plus, it's the holiday where you give CANDY TO CHILDREN. Kids get enough apples the other 364 days of the year.

Home-made cookies/candy apples/bags of loose candy
My mom used to give homemade treats to the neighborhood kids that knew her, so that's like - 5 or something. The rest of the kids got pre-packaged candy. My mom was smart. She knew that if she gave Spoooooky Rice Krispy Treats to a bunch of strange kids, they'd just end up in the garbage.

Single gumballs
WHO THE FUCK IS SO CHEAP THEY GIVE A CHILD ONE SINGLE CELLO-WRAPPED GUMBALL?!?!

Bags of Rippled chips
Is there anything grosser? Rippled chips remind me of seniors, crappy parties, Costco, and the chip that's always left over when you put out 4 kinds. Kids don't want this. They want full-sized chocolate bars, athankyou.

Hey boy, can I holla at you? Let me holla at you.

noreply@blogger.com (The Mayor) — Thu, 13 Oct 2011 20:52:00 +0000

The other day, I was perusing the celebrity gossip blogs (I make it seem like I just stumbled upon them. As to the if) and I saw this delicious piece of headline pie:

Someone get me an extra-strength parasol, because the sun is blinding me from where THE HEAVENS HAVE OPENED ABOVE!!! I have been chasing this chubby like a chubby chaser chases a chub like nobody's business. I practically made it my job. I was like Robert De Niro in Taxi Driver, except instead of making a contraption that shoots my gun from my forearm to my hand, I made one that shot Jimmy Dean-brand pancake-wrapped-sausages. I'd stand in the mirror, like "You want tacos? You want a family pack of tacos? I don't see any other fat, 27-year-old Jewish dudes who starred in Superbad. You want tacos?" and then in my dream, he'd be like "Yes, I want the fucking tacos! Marry me so we can eat a shitload of seasoned ground beef stuffed into corn or flour tortillas!" And you know what? I wouldn't worry about getting south-of-the-border sick around Jonah Hill either, because I bet he would be a total gentleman (WHERE AM I GETTING THIS FROM?)

When I saw that there was the possibility of him dumping that waffle-digging trick, I won't lie: I got happy. Christmas morning happy. I shouldn't, of course, because when the hell would I ever EVER be at the right place/right time to meet Jonah Hill, let alone seduce him with gravy? (Chicken or Beef, his choice). The reason I got so happy was because the headline chooses to mention that he gained a shitload of weight AND THEN dumped his girlfriend. Like, he was only keeping her around till he got skinnay, and then he boom-bitch-bye'd her like a previously-viewed blu-ray copy of Cyrus at Blockbuster. Yeah, sorry, but have you seen Jonah Hill since he lost 40 lbs? That is some scary Christian Bale shit, people! It's not like he lost the weight, tossed off some nerd glasses, let his hair down and the captain of the football team was like "Wow. Please go to the prom with me." It's like he made a deal with the Devil and lost the weight with the help of some Dorian Grey reverse-aging painting, except he got so weird and scary looking, kind of like his face is trying to escape off his head, and then there's a M. Night Shyamalan-twist when you find out that Jonah Hill IS the painting! And that's why he's so gross looking now! And the painting has just gotten more handsome?! Fuck, did I just describe a retro Twilight Zone episode? Back on topic...it's not as if Hill became this super hottie and was like "Oh fuck, girls want to have sex with me now, not just because I'm famous, but because I'm attractive!" That will NEVER happen. No one will ever utter the words "I don't care if Jonah Hill worked at Footlocker and shared an apartment with his mother, I'd still totally bang him" because that sentence does NOT exist in the English language.

So Jonah, just accept the fact that you're meant to be a fatty. I have! In fact, I'll embrace it. If you date me, I'll find fat stores with cool clothes and help you dress cool (I keep saying cool because I imagine that at 300+ lbs, you must sweat a lot) and I won't encourage you to work out or be fit or have more energy or "be active". You'll never ride a bike or hike a hill or use the stairs, and there won't be a couch too comfortable for your fat fat ass. I'll take care of you boo. I'll take care of you till heart disease "takes care of you" and I got to drop 9 Gs on a supersized casket.

Stories like this bum me out.

noreply@blogger.com (The Mayor) — Tue, 11 Oct 2011 17:24:00 +0000

I can't even write a proper sentence about this article, so I'll sum up my feelings in one word: QUITTER

How old is too old for saddle shoes?

noreply@blogger.com (The Mayor) — Wed, 05 Oct 2011 13:55:00 +0000

I know, it's a weird question, but it needs to be asked. For more than two months now I have had my heart set on a pair of white and black leather Bass saddle shoes, and today I think I'm finally going to buy them. I'm like Wayne in the music store when he wants to buy the guitar ("Oh yes, it will be mine"). But then I caught my breath and thought for a second: "Bitch, you be too dayum old for this foolery". Wait, am I? When did I get too old for stuff? I mean, sure, I'm almost 30 years old (holy fuck, typing that out made me crap a little) but surely I'm not too old for saddle shoes. I would say that the cut-off date for 1950s teenybopper footwear would be 40, but then again, it won't be till I'm out wearing them on the street and some stranger walks by me and utters something totally bogus and assholey, and I totally re-think my life choices.

I can sum up my personal style with one mantra: If you can't do Hot, do Cute. I, for instance, could not do 'hot' to save my life. I'm very tall with strong features and I look friendly. I laugh too much and say gross things. For me, hot is something uncomfortable that involves a flat stomach and drinking strong drinks and knowing how to look cool while smoking. So while I can't do hot, I can work the shit out of cute. Nobody looks more adorable in party shoes and polka-dot tights and bright pink lipstick and 60s dresses. Does it have a bow on it? Good, give it to me and attach 8 more bows. Does it have a collar? Does it have an adorable print on it? Does it look like candy or flowers or rainbows or cats? Geev to meee. So keep this in mind as you read the following, otherwise you're going to be thinking to yourself: "well why the hell is she wearing this stuff to begin with??" With that, I ask you: Am I too old for this shit?

Pigtails/Ponytails
Sarah Silverman is, without question, the patron saint of pigtails. How old is she, like a million? She can still pull it off. But again, the question is...until when can she pull it off? The thing I always think of when I put my hair in pigtails like this is Tig Notaro's line from The Sarah Silverman Program when Big S is doing something obnoxious and she goes "That's going to be so cute when she's 40". I'm always like "Holy crap, that could be said about me! I'm not that far off from 40! Oh god, someone please hit me with their car and make it look like an accident."
So am I too old for pigtails/ponytails? There's no debate: I look super adorable in pigtails. But should I be wearing them to my office? Probably not. I'm going to say I really only have about 5 more years before it looks weird.

Big plastic rings
I have a collection of necklaces that are so ostentatious and gaudy, they'd make Nicki Minaj jealous, but when it comes to rings, I have two pieces I wear all the time. The first is a small gold band with a tiny diamond chip that I bought myself (in no way did I buy it in a Waiting to Exhale "I don't need no man to make me happy! I'm mah own woman! I buy mah own rangs!"-way) and the other is a light blue plastic heart ring that came on a bottle of nail polish. I wear them almost every day. But once day I was at H&M with my friend and I came across a red plastic ring that was shaped like an apple. My friend was like "You NEED to get that. It's so you" and I was like "Really? Are plastic raver rings my thing? Is that how you'd define my style?" And obviously a few years ago I wouldn't have thought twice; I would have bought it. But again, I was like "I think I may be too old for plastic rings shaped like apples." I think maybe because it seems like something a Kindergarten teacher would do: wear tons of plastic, brightly-coloured jewelery to keep the attention of 20 four-year-olds.
So am I too old for big plastic rings? Not yet. For now I'm keeping them (and thinking about going to H&M on my lunch break to buy that apple ring).

Peter Pan shirt collars
I have a problem. I own this shirt and I wear it underneath EVERYTHING. I'm wearing it right now, as a matter of fact. And every single pay day, I think to myself "You should probably go buy another one of those shirts" even though - what's the point - I'm just going to keep wearing the white one until a) it turns gray from the wash or b) it turns yellow from sweat (OH SICK!) But I love it. I feel very 'me' in shirts with Peter Pan collars.
So am I too old for Peter Pan shirt collars? At the present time, no. I still look as cute as a button. But the minute I start to get wrinkles, I need to switch to pointy-collared shirts, or else I will look exactly like Better Davis in Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? (is that so bad? Wait, don't answer that...)

Wacky nails
I have never mentioned this before, but I have another tumblr that is successful in its own right. And...it's a nail art blog. It's called Oh You Fansy, Nails? and you should probably take a look at it. If anything, it's further proof that I am completely mental and probably should get a CAT-Scan to determine how many brain cells I have left (spoiler alert: I watched an episode of Glee last night, so I'm going to guess I have two cells remaining). My best friend and I do our nails all the time and we're really good at it, but are we too old to be doing this kind of thing? I baby-sat my 8-year-old cousin a few weeks ago and she was ENAMORED with my nails, so that leads me to believe I might be getting too old for this. Then again, people older than me are super dupes impressed with my nails and don't give me that condescending look that says "you're such a special gem, aren't you?"
So am I too old for wacky nails? Hell no. They're my thing. I will never let these go.

Knee socks
In grade 7 I wore white knee socks to school and like 2 seconds after getting off the bus, two dumb sluts from my class (who I won't name....Cory and Ashley) told me I was wearing them wrong. Apparently I should have been wearing them over my knees. Um, no you dumb slags; I was wearing mine just under my knees because I was trying to look like Marcia Brady, not Cher from Clueless. That did not deter me from wearing knee socks all the dayum time (until winter, when I would graduate to tights all the dayum time). My legs aren't as skinny as they once were, so I'm walking a fine line between 'cute knee socks' and 'why are you wearing soccer socks with that dress?'
So am I too old for knee socks? I'm going to give myself a definitive 'yes' on this one. I think that the cut-off for knee socks is either 25 or 15 lbs, whichever comes first.

Colourful hair
As mentioned in a previous post, my hair is half blue. The other half is blonde and brown, which is really nice. Kind of like business on top, meth addiction on the bottom. I told myself I was going to keep this hair for the summer, and then cut it all off come fall, but here we are - October 5th - and there's no hair cut in sight. I actually really like my hair like this, but then again - it could just be because it's trendy. Get back to me a year from now and see what I have to say about it.
So am I too old for colourful hair? Probably. But until I look in the mirror and go "oh, gross!" I'm keeping it.

Move over hugging David Sedaris, this is now No. 1 on my bucket list

noreply@blogger.com (The Mayor) — Fri, 30 Sep 2011 17:54:00 +0000

Okay, so one of the best things about working with your friends is that you're constantly talking about cool stuff during the day. I mean, obviously hanging out with your friends at night is awesome too; but usually it's the kind of hanging out that involves booze and candy, so you're super hyped up and shouting at each other and nothing makes sense and everything is like "fuck dude, that's the best idea!!!" but then you wake up and you get a text that says "an all-you-can-eat cake buffet would be totally gross" and you can't help but agree. So daytime work friends are the best: catching up on last night's TV, joking about work stuff, dreaming of lunches and that end-of-day magic hour where you know you're going home soon and you're just sailing. This is the stuff I didn't get when I worked from home. So if you'd asked me 10 years ago if I'd ever see myself working in an office, I'd probably have said that I'd rather kill myself; now, after working on offices for a while, I realize there's nothing more fun.

Anyways, a friend of mine just started working with me and it's been fun. Most of the day is spent actually working, but then we'll break up the day with sentences starting with "have you ever seen..." and ending with a YouTube address. Yesterday was no exception. I was talking to my friend about how I can taste the difference between all cola brands, regular, diet, Coke Zeros, no matter what. I'd be willing to go to Vegas with this skill (I'm also pretty proficient with lemon-lime sodas and root beers, but still have difficulty telling the difference betwene Dr. Pepper and Diet Dr. Pepper, which in itself is a testament to Diet Dr. Pepper tasting like regular Dr. Pepper). Then he was like "Have you ever seen that soda pop store with all the sodas?"

UM NO?!?!?!?!

Why have I never known about this?!? So he sends me the link to a clip on YouTube about Galco's Soda Pop Stop. Please PLEASE take a minute and watch this. It's awesome.

So obviously, the first thing I do is Google them and see if they have a website. Of course they do. Galco's Soda Pop Stop's website is just terrible; the logo has been set in my least favourite typeface (Curlz. Oh god, just typing that made my soul sad). Plus, with those fucking MS Paint colours, I feel like I'm looking at someone's shitty Anglefire-hosted NSYNC-tribute page. Seriously, someone needs to help them out here: either splurge for the $300 you can pay a graphic design student to make you a rudimentary website or just don't have one. You're a store that sells liquid in glass bottles. People come to the sodas. You don't ship them. I feel like I can guess how low your profit margins are after you factor in shipping tons of breakables across the country using a postal service that does not give one shit about how many times you write FRAGILE on the box. I digress.

Galco's Soda Pop Stop is located in Los Angeles (of course!) and sells a jillion different kinds of soda pop. Be still my diabeetus-having heart. I feel like if I went (pfft, what am I saying. If. More like when I go and blow close to $400) I would have a very difficult time picking out a favourite. People who know me know that I am a very loyal Diet Coke drinker, so I'm afraid nothing would be better than that (and really, that goes for anything. Name something better than Diet Coke. You can't, exactly). Quick story derailment: I've been listening to Jay Mohr's podcast Mohr Stories a lot recently (it's really terrific, and was recommended by a work friend - of course) and there's a part where Jay is talking about how deep his alcoholism ran when he knew he could have someone put down 14 unmarked beers in front of him and he could name all 14. Instead of me going "oh shit, that guy was a little too involved with beers" I went "so what? I could do the same thing with soda pop". Give me a break, I'm powerless against this disease. Actually, I shouldn't joke about that; my parents are actually concerned that I drink too much Diet Coke, like the way someone would be concerned you smoke too much meth or shoplift too much. I know that Diet Coke will never kill me (please provide me with documented proof before you email me with the subject line IT'S BEEN PROVEN, DIET COKE WILL KILL YOU) but I like to imagine 50 years down the road I'll be filming a PSA wherein I'm wearing a bathrobe, ranting out loud to myself, scuttling around a filthy kitchen, while a Jon Hamm voice-over says "Diet sodas have been proven to deplete brain function" and in the background you hear a tinny child's piano slowly play out 1-2 Buckle My Shoe or Turkey in the Straw or something. Sidebar: Why are PSAs so fucking creepy?

Anyways, to get to my point. I just need to let you guys know about this place. If you live in Los Angeles or California or just like road trips and bottled sugar water, then get your asses to Galco's Soda Pop Stop. Write me a letter and tell me what Heaven is like.

8 Fall Haircuts You Definitely Love, or Hair! It's Dead: Stop Giving a Shit

noreply@blogger.com (The Mayor) — Thu, 22 Sep 2011 21:39:00 +0000

After reading a post on the internet about all of Katy Perry's food-themed costumes (most of them fruit, all of them stupid) I was directed to an article on Fall Hair. Why do I care about hairstyles? I don't really. Then again, I have written about hair before on The Skip-Raid, so I figured, why not again? I mean, it's a slow week. Sometimes you need filler material that tests how funny you can be when given a boring subject.

The InStyle link was for a slide show called 8 Fall Haircuts We Know You'll Love. Really? You know I'll love them? I don't know about that. Love is a pretty strong word. Not to mention that I have the hair of a 16-year-old who makes shitty decisions:

If my hair was a Halloween wig sold at Value Village, it would be called Skid Wig or Dropout Hair. Anyways, back to the slide show. According to InStyle, it's time I traded out blue tips and at-home bang-trims for one of the 8 following hairstyles. Which should I choose?!?!

Dianna Agron's Shaggy Bob
WHAT IT IS: "I call this haircut a 'shab,'" says hairstylist Giannandrea, who created this look for the star. "It's a cross between a bob and a shag." The hair is cut above the shoulders, and then razored from back to front at a slight angle. "This is the kind of style that comes to life with the styling."

This hair cut looks like total shit. She looks like a Eurotrash tourist. Next!

Evan Rachel Wood's Punk Rock Crop
WHAT IT IS: A short on the sides, long on the top cut. "Because the hair covers the ears, the cut looks feminine," says Townsend. "Boys haircuts are trimmed around the ears."

First off, someone explain to me how this is 'punk'. Please. I just have no idea. Second: unless you're Evan Rachel Wood, this is called Mom Hair, and you're going to look like you've given up on life if you cut your hair like this. Any girl over the age of 19 who gets this hair cut is making a terrible mistake.

Ashlee Simpson's Perfect Pixie
WHAT IT IS: A cool update on the retro pixie: Short in the back with a swoop of asymmetrical, face-framing bangs. "The long bits on the side are so flirty," says Townsend.

Using Ashlee Simpson as an example for anything besides that of a washed-up has-been (never was?) is in-excusable. I just cannot stand how she's trying so hard to make 'cool, urban, L.A. celebrity' thing happen. YOU WERE ON 7TH HEAVEN, HOMIE. Never forget.
But about her hair - this is just long-short hair. "Make my hair short, but keep it a little long" is what I would imagine you'd tell the hairdresser.

Jennifer Love Hewitt's Long Bangs and Bob
WHAT IT IS: Thick, arched bangs and a straight bob cut three inches below the collarbone. "This cut is all about those blunt ends," says Townsend. "There are some soft layers on the underside of the hair, but the appearance is very sharp and very modern."

I don't care how much you church it up, this is just straight hair with bangs.

Tyra Banks's Wavy Bob and Straight Bangs
WHAT IT IS: A long bob that starts at the shoulders and gradually tapers to the collarbone. "Because her bangs have those choppy ends, the straight line isn't too severe," says Townsend.

This is just wavy hair with bangs. You could also say that since we're dealing with Tyra, this is just 'wavy wig with bang option'. Hey-o! It feels like years since I made a good Tyra Banks wig joke.

Heidi Klum's All-Over Layers
WHAT IT IS: The polar opposite of a mom cut. "Heidi's hair is mid-length, which can get a little dowdy, but because of the dimensional layers sliced throughout, it has a great shape and isn't one bit matronly," Townsend says.

This is straight hair with no bangs. This is...just normal hair? Is this a style?

Cat Deeley's Classic Long Layers
WHAT IT IS: Chunky, face-framing layers with tapered ends. "These layers are not about blending. This is not the '90s Jennifer Aniston look," says Townsend. "You really want to have your stylist cut two distinct sets of layers at the chin and at the collarbone."

Longer hair with no bangs. This is like Heidi Klum's hair, but longer.

Katie Holmes's Barely There Layers
WHAT IT IS: Extra-long, chest-length hair with subtle thinning at the ends to prevent the styling from looking Marcia Brady.

This is long hair with no bangs. This is like Cat Deeley's long hair, but longer. And brown.

So, to sum it all up, the hairstyles you'll love are: choppy shitty mess, mom hair, long-short, straight hair with bangs, wavy hair with bangs, long hair, longer hair, very long hair. OMG I LOVE THEM ALL!!! I CAN'T CHOOSE!!!!!

I get emails from terrific people

noreply@blogger.com (The Mayor) — Wed, 21 Sep 2011 18:08:00 +0000

Since starting this blog too many damn years ago, I have been on the receiving end of a couple hundred amazing emails from strangers and, major truth, I fucking love it. Sometimes the emails are really positive and cool and neat. I have personal emails from a couple of my heroes (the best being from Michael K which, seriously, I will NEVER DELETE no matter what. Oooh, that sounded like some Misery shit. Michael K, you in danger, girl). But above all, it just makes it feel like writing a blog isn't a total waste of time (cue the sound of a hundred eyes rolling).

When I'm not getting good emails, I'm getting boatloads of spam. But under all that spam, there are several brutal emails from people that I just cannot ever delete because they are too awesome. Here's the thing about hate mail: it's just so precious. It takes a lot to sit down at a computer and finely craft a scathing, acidic letter to someone. I appreciate that, because it's way too easy to just anonymously write "ur a fucking looser" in the comments section of a post. You have to really dislike someone to write a letter. So anyways, I got this gem in my in-box this afternoon. Have a look:

(It goes without saying, but you'll need to click on the emails below in order to make them big enough to read)

So yeah. That exists. Since I'm lazy and have no quality of life, I have no problem publishing people's emails they've sent. I mean, I'm not a totally hateful dickhead, so I at least blurred out his email address (I think that secured my spot in heaven). I'm still unsure as to why this person (let's pretend it's a dude for argument's sake) felt like they needed to write me this email, but they did, so let's discuss. Here's what I took from it:

1. This email came from a very cool person. They're doing a cocaine study. Allow me to go ahead and guess the outcome of this study: Cocaine makes people act like obnoxious shitheads. There you go, I just saved you a bunch of time and money.

2. They think I should learn to cook (or at least stop being so lazy). Well, I can't argue with that; I am incredibly lazy and I can't cook for shit. Last night I had spaghetti and Trix cereal for dinner.

3. "Kinda funny"? Hell, I would have also accepted barely funny, marginally funny, and funny if you just spent the afternoon painting an enclosed space.

4. This person thinks that if I "comment on the normally commentless" (not a word, but whatever) or "crack an egg" it will improve my quality of life and/or increase my stock as a woman. I'm sure that may be correct somewhere, but for now I'm resting on the fact that I have a terrific ass.

5. You found my blog because you were trying to find out if Ryan Gosling was on Breaker High? Here, let me IMDB that for you...

6. I don't understand the first PS

7. I definitely don't understand the second PS

All this left me with a head full of confusion, so I wrote back this:

Sorry guy! Wish I could help you work through your problems, but I have no idea what the fuck you were trying to tell me with that email. Thanks for writing!