The Skip-Raid

What ever happened to?...Breaker High edition!

skipraid@gmail.com (The Mayor) — Wed, 28 Jul 2010 20:27:00 +0000

Breaker High! My god, how long has it been since the last time I jumped on my parent's couch with a massive mug of Diet Coke and watched the dumbest show about high school students on a cruise ship? Well...actually, not that long ago (something I am not proud of). Ooh, know what was even better? When YTV had that Breaker High/Student Bodies power hour; holy shit, do you REMEMBER Student Bodies (Stuuudent Bawd-ayyyyys)? Well, you'll have to reminisce later because today is all about Breaker High, but specifically what the hell happened to the kids from Breaker High? Obviously we know that one of them went on to become ULTRA A-LIST FAMOUS (but more on him later) but the rest kind of dissipated into obscurity. Anyways, here is a quick primer in the event you grew up without a TV and have no idea what Breaker High was all about:

Teenagers going to High School on a cruise ship.

Yep! That's about it! Nothing else, really. Just a bunch of dumb storylines and crappy non-sequitors and shitty teenage romances. Also there was a teacher that was a raging homo and the ship's Captain was a hard-ass on his son (who was one of the students). Also it had one of the best opening sequences EVER PUT TO FILM:

Just when you get that stupid theme song out of your head, I've brought it back! Try all you want to muffle the screams of NA-NA-NANANA-HEY-HEY! CARRY ME AWAY!! but it's not going to do any good. That song drills itself into your brain like an earwig. Also, remember how in the late 90s everything was super shiny and metallic and spandex and MILLENNIUM and space and futuristic? Holy shit, what did we think was going to happen on January 1st, 2000? We were all of a sudden going to throw out our jeans and t-shirts and start wearing that V-front silver jumpsuit of the future? Oh my god. Anyways, let's take a look at who's been nominated for two back-to-back Emmy awards, who was in Snakes on a Plane, and who has strongly considered giving BJs for a hot meal. Let's go! Carry me away!!!

Alex Garcia (Kyle Alisharan)
Oh my god, remember Alex? He was one of the two hotties on the boat (which begs the question: just how many students were on this boat?). Anyways, Alex's character was just about as one-dimensional as you can get: he was a jock, he was Latino, and if one trait was mentioned in an episode, you know that the other wasn't far behind. Anyways, the actor who played him, Kyle Alisharan, doesn't seem to have done much lately. He was in two episodes of Dark Angel (credited only as Operative), 1 episode of Mysterious Ways (I know, I've never heard of it either), and, this may be the best, played an airport worker in SNAKES ON A PLANE.

"I got to get my motherfucking agent to get me some motherfucking work!"

Ashley Dupree (Terri Conn)
Ashley was my favourite character because she was the only one that seemed believable. When you think of what kind of kids would spend a year in high school traveling around the world on a luxury cruise ship, who do you think of? Exactly: rich spoiled Americans. Ashley was a bitchy millionaire's kid who pranced around the ship like her shit fails to stink and, guess what, I loved it! How could you not enroll your kid on a private cruise ship school and NOT expect them to have a massive snobby attitude? Although I did hate the stupid Col. Sanders accent she had; she sounded like a redneck minstrel show (see also: Paula Deen). Now on to the actress who played her, Terri Conn (now Terri Colombino). She has actually had a decent career! After Breaker High, Terri got a few small roles on ABC/TGIF shows (Brotherly Love, Step By Step, 7th Heaven) and then transitioned to the world of soap operas with a spot on As The World Turns where she been in 669 episodes.

Um, what?!?! Do you understand that she has worked, steady, for 12 years? That's insane for an actress. She's essentially Susan Lucci. Also, she's been nominated for two Daytime Emmy awards. I mean, it's not a real Emmy, but it's pretty damn close. Good for her!

Cassidy Cartwright (Wendi Kenya)
UGH. I hated Cassidy so bad; she was supposed to be a tomboy, but also kind of a slut, but also fashiony? Nothing made sense. She was like 1/3 Jenny McCarthy, 1/3 Carmen Electra, 1/3 OBNOXIOUS. Also her character was saying the dumbest shit; um, correct me if I'm wrong, but don't you sort of need good grades to go to a prestigious high school on a boat? I can imagine there is a very long waiting list for that sort of thing, and they probably don't let just any moron bubble-head skank come aboard. Also Cassidy was in love with Max and they were always playing up this can't-be-tamed relationship, but they never got into DeGrassi High territory, so no one ever really mentioned sex or anything. It was the most pointless relationship on the show. Cassidy IRL (Wendi Kenya) is much more boring and sad. Post Breaker High, Wendi went on to play Cassidy 2.0 on Malibu CA. Yes, that Malibu CA: the one that was created by Peter Engel (who's list of TV shows should be a What ever happened to? in their own right). But, once that was canceled, it looks like she's struggled to find decent work. 1 episode of 7th Heaven? The part of "Hey Girl" in a movie no one saw called Single and Dealing With It. And, the saddest of all...the part of "Sexy Towel Girl" in a direct to DVD movie called Winter Break. Oh dear. Oh, also she hasn't aged well either :(

It looks like someone's been spending too much of her residuals cheques on plastic surgery. Slow down, homegirl! You're starting to look like The Joker!

Jimmy Farrell (Tyler Labine)
I sort of had a bit of a crush on Jimmy because I knew that a) I didn't have a chance with Max or Alex because their self-esteem is too high and b) Jimmy was actually sort of funny. Although Jimmy did have a case of Adult High School Student disease wherein he never looked a day under 30 (not good when you're supposed to be playing 16). Anyways, Tyler Labine will never be at a loss of work because he has that down-home American, hick farmer redneck, Paul Blart Mall Cop-ishness to him that the Midwest loves (even though he is from Toronto and not American in the least).
But he's a likeable guy, pretty funny, decent looking, good timing, etc etc but above all, he seems to have a great agent. I felt like I had to scroll forever through his past work to find Breaker High, and even then it was like "Holy shit, he was on that show? And that one! And that movie! Dayum". Here is a short little list of some of the stuff he's done since BH:
Get Carter, Dark Angel, My Boss's Daughter, Boston Legal, Zack and Miri Make a Porno, Reaper, and that kind-of terrible but not horrible Malcolm in the Middle rip-off Sons of Tuscon. Oh! And in 2005 he played John Belushi in the made for TV movie Behind the Camera: The Unauthorized Story of Mork & Mindy which sounds AMAZING. I need to find that on DVD.

Max Ballard (Scott Vickaryous)
BWAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHH!! Did anyone believe that Max was actually that bad-ass?? I love when TV producers are like "make him brooding, make him dangerous" and they give him a leather jacket and tell him to sneer at everything. You know what would have made him really dangerous? Making him a weed dealer with undiagnosed mental illness. Anyways, Scott Vickaryous (Vicky-arrie-uss? Vicko-rarry-uss? CHANGE YOUR NAME) acted a lot in the early 2000s with bit parts in Boston Public and Get Real, but hasn't had a decent job since 2007. Well, if you count the lead role in a movie called TV Face a decent job (I wouldn't). And can we look at his current head shot for a second?

Oh my god, dude. Take it easy with the Patrick Bateman eyes. I wanted to see if we could find him on Facebook, and this (I swear to god) is what I found:

Yep. Two listings. The first is probably a fake account, in which case - who the fuck would make a fake account for an obscure Canadian television actor? But let's pretend for a second it isn't a fake account; imagine if he used a picture from Breaker High as his profile picture?!?!?! Now take a look at the Scott Vickaryous fb page: TWO FANS!!!! I know cats on Facebook with more fans than this guy.

Denise Williams (Persia White)
The character of Denise was irritating at best; every single episode was her freaking out over her grades, tests, exams, papers, etc etc WE GET IT, YOU HAVE CONTROLLING PARENTS. She also didn't care about boys or parties and was a super wet blanket. I'm starting to think that before Breaker High was canceled, they were about to reveal that Denise was actually an undercover cop or a journalist masquerading as a student to try to get a good story. The only stories she got were transcripts from bugging the student's cabins that went a little something like this:
"Um, did anyone else see Denise's stomach in the shower today? She has tons of stretch marks and a c-section scar. Also I saw her driver's license and the birthdate was scratched out and on top of it, written in pen, it said TEENAGER. I'm starting to think she's actually like 40".
Anyways, on to post-BH work. Persia White got some very decent acting jobs because she's a very decent actress, but the best, THE BEST, role she has ever had was on the UPN show Girlfriends (pronounced Gurrrr-fraaaaanz). It was basically Living Single, but with more finger snaps and that disapproving pursed-lips/side-eye face (YOU KNOW THE LOOK). It was canceled in 2008, but she still seems to be getting work. Good for her! Downside: she's the owner of some very unfortunate tattoos:

Tamira Goldstein (Rachel Wilson)
WORST. CHARACTER. EVER.
But I guess playing the worst teenager on television does show range, and she has been steady with work ever since. But. Her last two acting credits are for Saw VII (what is that, 7? Shit, we need to stop with the Saw movies) and Republic of Doyle which is a Canadian show on the CBC that people only watch when there isn't golf or a Magic Bullet infomercial on to watch, so...there's that. Also her credit in Saw VII is for someone's Mother (it literally just says "Mother") which means I can totally guess every line she has in the movie:
"Oh my god, where is my son/daughter?"
"Why won't you tell me where my son/daughter is?!?"
"Oh my god, HE/SHE'S DEAD!!!(sobbing)"

Sean Hanlon (Ryan Gosling)
Last, but not least, we have Sean Hanlon, the love child of Vince Vaughan in Swingers and those Khaki Swing GAP commercials form the 90s.

Anyways, do I really need to re-cap what Sean Hanlon has been doing after Breaker High? Besides starring in my dreams almost every night for 8 years, he's done a shitload of amazing movies, been a cool guy, looked hot all the time, and dated Rachael McAdams, who's performance of Regina in Mean Girls will always make me love her and forget any crappy movies she chooses to do. I wish so hard they were still together, but I know that Ryan Gosling has possibly moved on to Michelle Williams (yes, that Michelle Williams) which is awesome to say the least.

SWOON. MARRY ME.

Um, can I has?

skipraid@gmail.com (The Mayor) — Mon, 19 Jul 2010 21:17:00 +0000

I'd prefer a tattoo of the Old Timer's Breakfast, but that's just me.

Breaking Bad Spin-offs

skipraid@gmail.com (The Mayor) — Wed, 14 Jul 2010 20:20:00 +0000

Ever since its premiere 2 years ago, I have been obsessed with Breaking Bad despite the fact I had never seen it. Based on what I had heard, it sounded right up my alley:
1. It was on AMC, the network that gave us Mad Men
2. It was about meth (awesome!)
3. It had Hal from Malcolm in the Middle (love!)
4. It tries to out-HBO HBO every episode (awesomer!)
5. It was set in New Mexico (I love the desert and Mexicans)
Anyways, due to the unfortunate circumstances surrounding my not having cable, paired with my computer being so old that I cannot download TV shows, along with a DVD rental store that doesn't enforce late-fines, I was stuck without. The closest I came to Breaking Bad was when Bryan Cranston and Aaron Paul appeared on Joel McHale's The Soup. Well, thanks to a friend with several external hard drives, I have been able to watch every episode of Breaking Bad in succession, and let me tell you - it is everything I thought it would be. Every episode is amazing, the acting is terrific, the set design is gorgeous. Walt and Jesse are amazing, that goes without saying. In the pilot episode, I thought I might hate Hank, but it's exactly the opposite; Hank is completely enjoyable. I love Jesse's drug dealer friends (especially Badger) and felt sad when Combo was shot. Hell, I don't care that he essentially recycled his Mr. Show with Bob and David character back from the grave, because Bob Odenkirk's Saul Goodman is awesome. My only issue is this:

The 2nd and 3rd-tier characters are ANNOYING AT BEST.

Seriously. Every scene Skyler is in makes my stomach turn. She is THE. WORST. I remember watching the scene of her smoking while pregnant (remember how pitifully bad-ass she was trying to be?!?!?!) and that woman gives her such a disapproving look? I seriously wished that that woman was planning to leap through the window and beat her ass. And Marie - OH LORD, DON'T GET ME STARTED ON MARIE!!! My only guess as to why she is still on the show is that she is a) sleeping with every member on set and/or b) her father owns AMC. Anyways, I thought it would be fun to imagine what kind of crappy spin-offs might come from Breaking Bad:

Skyler would obviously be on some kind of stupid Lifetime shit about a single mom trying to raise both a baby and a disabled son (to which she would constantly remind everyone within ear-shot). Also, it would have a heavy Christian influence; she strikes me as that kind. Maybe it's because she's so judgmental and pious. Skyler's weekly battles would flip-flop between judging people's life choices and feeling sorry for herself, all while working in an art gallery that sells nothing but work by Thomas Kinkade. Oh, and I almost forgot - she'd sing stomach-turning renditions of Marilyn Monroe's Happy Birthday every chance she got (BARF).

I like to imagine that Marie, after being busted for shoplifting for the 40th time, would finally have what's coming to her: that's right, 10 hours community service and probation! Marie wouldn't serve any time in prison since her husband is one of the Feds, so she gets off easy. Part of her sentencing involves moving her from her cushy private doctor's office job to a (GASP) publicly-funded Hospital! Hilarity ensues in the form of Danitria, her parole officer (played by Sherri Shepherd) who's catchphrase "I ain't babysittin' no crazy white woman!" becomes a national catch-phrase. Danitria checks in ALL THE DAMN TIME (which makes no sense in real life, but plenty of sense in TV life) much to the chagrin of Head RN Chet (played with obvious desperation for acting work by Topher Grace). Also, just like in Breaking Bad, Marie wears purple all the time (what is she, a fucking Power Ranger?)

Walt Jr. is a bit of a love-hate problem for me. On the one hand, he's a great portrayal of Cerebral Palsy and a teenager. On the other, he really doesn't add anything to the show (except for that one time he bitched out Skyler for buying regular Raisin Bran instead of Raisin Bran Crunch. "It's not hard Mom, it says Crunch on the box"). But Walt Jr. isn't much more than just that character that pops into a scene to be like "Hi! Remember me? I'm one of the reasons why my parent's relationship is so strained!" Anyways, I like to imagine Walt Jr. in some kind of crappy Disney Channel/ABC Family show like Wizards of Waverly Place or iCarly or The Suite Life of Zach and Cody (I'm not proud that I was able to list that). After his parent's marriage breaks up, Walt. Jr. is sent to live with an Aunt we have never seen or heard of until now in Los Angeles. She's a teacher at an inner-city hip-hop school and she thinks Walt Jr. might do well with a change of scenery, but is scared that he might not fit in and that the other students might make fun of him. Little does she know that it's Walt Jr. who will ramp their world! See what I did there? It's called a pun. And yes, I know that we never see Walt Jr. in a wheelchair, but that's besides the point. Maybe he can be in a wheelchair in the show? Anyways, the show ends up being a heavy-handed attempt at lessons of tolerance, which fails once kids stop and think "what the fuck is a hip-hop school?"

I mentioned these spin-offs to a friend of mine, who also thought of some. Dare I say that some are better than mine (not Walt-chair Accessible, that shit is gold).

- "Marie'd Under the Law" : Marie's moved on after years of shoplifting, and has become the world's greatest thief. After moving to Washington D.C., Marie must keep her life as a super-criminal secret as she steals from those her husband has sworn to protect. [Thursday at 8pm on ABC]
- "8" : Krazy-8 is given a second chance after he repented his sins shortly before his murder by an unforgiving drug dealer. Now a ghost who can only be seen by children being pressured to try drugs, Krazy-8 is on a quest for redemption. Each child he turns away from meth and towards Jesus brings him one step closer to heaven. [Every single morning at 5:30am for the next 20 years on Christian Broadcast Network.]
- "Ted" : Leaving the rat-race behind, everyone's favorite womanizer and corporate mastermind Ted Beneke leaves New Mexico for the sunny shores of Vancouver. Are the women of Canada ready for Ted? [Ted is now played by veteran comedy actor Ted McGinley. On Global on a timeslot that will change each week until it's cancelled. Funded by the National Film Board]
- " 'Criminal' Lawyer" : After going underground in witness protection, Saul Goodman starts up a new practice in LA. Defending the worst sleaze California has to offer each week, Saul exploits the weaknesses of the American legal system to get the job done. [Sunday at 7pm on FOX. After winning numerous Emmys, will be pre-empted by football repeatedly until people forget the show ever existed.]

Trey Songz/Gay Songz

skipraid@gmail.com (The Mayor) — Tue, 13 Jul 2010 19:44:00 +0000

Okay, so my friend Ilana told me this story the other day and I have been laughing about it since. I was talking about how I change the word girls to squirrels in every song that I sing, and she one upped me, MAXIMUM CAPACITY! She happened to be in the same place as a Christian-themed parade once and there was a float that kept playing Haddaway's What Is Love? but they changed the words from "What is love" to "God is love". EXCLAMATION PERFUME, hello?!?! Are you hearing me? A bunch of Christian teens needed a catchy song for their float and they chose a gay anthem from 1993 and lazily changed What to God. I could not stop laughing; I liked to imagine them singing into megaphones and all of a sudden the streets are filled with cutoff jean shorts, mesh tank tops, and bushy moustaches. I also immediately thought of the gay boat cruise from the Pilot episode of Arrested Development. Amazing.
Also I wish wish wish I wasn't so tall so I could wear these. WHY AM I 6 FT TALL?!?!?!?!
Lastly, I'm on a really big donut kick right now. Num num num, I could eat 7, but not 7 crullers, because those are GROSS.

I love this with my whole heart

skipraid@gmail.com (The Mayor) — Mon, 12 Jul 2010 18:59:00 +0000

Kiss Kiss Hug Hug Things I'm Into!

skipraid@gmail.com (The Mayor) — Tue, 06 Jul 2010 21:01:00 +0000

Okay, so I love getting hyper-into things (which would explain why I have been thinking about that fish condo NON STOP FOR REALS since yesterday) and I thought I might share some stuff I'm super into right now. I remember back a long long time ago I asked someone a question like "what are you really into right now" (I think it was Frasier Young, but I'm too not-into Googling that) and he made a cut-eye-comment about that being the kind question from a Tiger Beat magazine. Well! Who cares? It's fun to be all about stuff sometimes! It's summertime; if there's any time to get heavily involved with shit, it's now.

BREAKING BAD
Okay, I know I'm a little tardy to the Breaking Bad party, but it's not my fault! I don't have super-duper cable and my computer is an old 2002 iPad that has been dropped too many times, so I can't download TV shows. Plus, whenever I go to the Film Buff, it's always rented (Note: the Film Buff is a really cool movie rental in Toronto that isn't Queen Video: because that place has been crawling on all fours across the bridge to Lamesville, a la Stand By Me, for quite sometime now). NANNYWAYS, I started from the beginning and usually watch about 4 episodes in one sitting and now I'm in the middle of Season 2. Stray observations:
- I love Hank!!! I thought he'd be such a dickbaggy character in the beginning, but I am really loving him. Also it's so sad that it looks like Walt jr. looks up to him more than his own dad :(
- Skyler is SUCH. A. BITCH!!!!! I really hate her character and I hope she dies in childbirth. Spoiler for myself: I know she doesn't, but honestly, if any of the writers out there are reading this (they're not), can you please please please have her blow up in a meth essplosion?
- Am I the only one who finds Walter White hot? And not Bryan Cranston, either, because we always knew he was hot (Hello! Dr. Tim Whatley!!!) but I mean Walt. I think Walt is hot (especially when he shaves his head).

- Walt jr. actually has CP in real life - cool!
- My favourite secondary-character is definitely Jesse's friend Badger.

BURGER KING
Okay, for the longest time I was extremely loyal to McDonalds. I used to imagine being on death row and requesting 2 Big Macs (no onions) filled with poison. That would mean I would die by slowly falling asleep right after eating the most delicious burgers known to man. WELL! Can I tell you that I recently discovered The Whopper? I know. I can't believe I wasted so much time on that McDonalds shit. I also just found out that the Whopper only has 670 calories; I know, I'm sure there are plenty of you scoffing and turning up your nose going "670? EW. I hope you choke, you fat pig" but really, that's not terrible considering I usually eat a small yogurt for breakfast and toast for lunch. If anything, I'm losing weight (UNTRUE FOR LIFE). Anyways, Whoppers are really really out of control delicious and I totally understand how these guys feel:

I do not want to imagine the rising anger in my heart if I were to go to Burger King and they told me they don't sell the Whopper anymore. I honestly don't know what I'd do. Actually scratch that, I know exactly what I'd do: I'd ask for 2 cheeseburgers dressed like Whoppers. I"m sad :(

DRAWING
I know it's silly, but I've recently got back into drawing again. A few friends and myself (shoutout to Ben, Albert, and Steph aka Grandmaw's Kids PATENT PENDING) have started getting together to draw comics, and I have been training myself to use a Wacom tablet to draw portraits. For example, here's my personal idol Chloë Sevigny:

Here's Salt-n-Pepa:
And everyone's favourite bloaty drug addict, Lohan!
My sister says it looks more like Khloe Kardashianiahan. Either way, it's super unflattering. In other news, I'm running out of people to draw. I'm thinking that I might do Kesha (refuse to type that dollar sign), Busy and Amanda from Ready or Not, and maybe Rich from Fourfour (which means I also should do Tyra). Oh! And I've been drawing perfume bottles. Look out, Britney Spears's Curious, you're next!

REVLON BLACK CHERRY LIPSTICK

I used to use Clinique Black Honey all the time till death do us part, but lately I wanted something a little less balm a little more standouttish. I feel like Summer is lipgloss overload; everyone and their mom puts away dark, thick lipsticks in favour of balm and gloss. Why?!? Summer is the time to gonuts for donuts on lipstick! I have three that are in my regular rotation: a very thick, bright electric pink gloss (that I accidentally threw in the trash and had to fish out - not good), a VERY BRIGHT purple-pink colour (I think people have been calling it thistle), but this super dark, black-purple is my favourite. And people! Stop saying it's So 90s: in the 90s, you either wore black (cause you were goth 4 lyfe) or matte brown (that you had to sneak out of the house and put on on the bus, like some of us). People weren't that hot for dark purple lips, k? Not 90s.

REPLACING THE WORD GIRL WITH SQUIRREL IN SONGS
Seriously, try it! It makes Katy Perry's California Gurls much more tolerable. If you think you're up to it, you can also make up squirrel-specific lyrics:
California squirrels/we're furry animals
Tiny paws/with nuts in our mouths
Now, I can't say this is something I just got into; my best friend and I have been replacing girl with squirrel for years, but for some reason the summer is a great time to make up goofy songs and stupid jokes. Drop down and getcha eagle on, squirrel!

PRESIDENT'S CHOICE BLUE MENU SELTZER
Oh my god, I could drink 8 bottles a day of this stuff. It's just water and carbonation and a tiny bit of natural flavour. This picture is of a bottle of cucumber flavour, but I have never seen that at my grocery store. I prefer lime, hands down, but I also like the pomegranate-blueberry one. Seriously, it's JUST WATER! I have no idea why I'm addicted. The flavour is so mild that you can barely taste it, and it's so good on a hot day (which brings me to my next point....

COLD SHOWERS
Okay, first things first, I need to stress that I am about to complain about the heat (like anyone isn't, doye) but that my American readers need to understand something about the weather in Canada. "Hot" for you is about 100 degrees, right? Oh shit, this is going to get confusing because I need to make it so my Canadian readers also understand the temperature...okay, let's try this:
100 degrees F for you is very hot. 100 degrees F for us is a little less than 40 degrees C, which is also fucking hot. Duh! Even though the units of measure are different, the temp is still the same. Now on to my point: "cold" for you is about 50 degrees F, which for us is only 10 degrees C and...sadly, not terribly cold. It's not warm, either, but it's sweater weather. Now compare that to our average winter temperature: -20 degrees C. That's -4 degrees F. That's like Hoth to you people. So imagine Canadians, who aren't terribly bothered by freezing, death-cold, carve-out-a-Tauntaun-and-hide-inside weather and then throw the same hot weather at us. Exactly, we have trouble adapting. Anyways, I don't have air conditioning in my apartment so it gets a little hot (and by a little, I mean like it feels like I have the oven on all the time) and I have needed to come up with creative solutions to help me sleep. Here is what I do:
1. First things first, move as if you're in slow-mo; you're in your own home, you have no where to go. Moving fast and doing things will only have you working up a sweat.
2. Run a bath and let it sit. You want it to be room-temperature.
3. While you're waiting, find a book or a magazine you'd like to read! Right now I'm reading Ruby by VC Andrews (it's SUPER TORRID)
4. Settle into your bath with your book, a bottle of seltzer, hell - turn on the tv, and stay there for about 1/2 hour (or longer) till your body temperature drops.
5. Get out, and only partially dry off - you want to have a cool mist on you.
6. Sloooooooowly walk to your bed
7. Lie on your bed and turn on a fan, full-blast, and angle it on your body.
8. Relax and close your eyes. Don't think about the heat. Let your mind wander off. Soon you'll be asleep!

ORANGE HAIR
When I got back from Florida I decided to try to strip my own hair. Not really a great idea, but it's just hair, so who cares? It didn't go brown like I thought, but lightened up to a blondie-orange colour. Kind of like Shelley Long in Troop Beverly Hills (aka THE BEST IN THE WEST IN THE EVER!!!)

Okay, my hair isn't nearly as good - it's straight (wamp wamp) and I have dark roots coming in. Oh, and I found out that I also have a buttload of greys in the back. So my hair is orange-blonde on the bottom and grey-brown on the top (best mix ever?) Anyways, I luv it, so not changing for a while! My roots are only about 3" long, so I can't wait for my hair to be half-and-half (DREAMY!)

PJ SOLESSeriously, how fucking amazing was PJ Soles?!?! She got to kiss Bill Murray AND sing with The Ramones AND was her own stunt-double in Carrie AND was also in Halloween AND was super cool forever! I really wish I could be her, but I look super bad in hats.

THIS CAT
Um, hello? Best ever? Want to snuggle for life!!!

This is what its come to:

skipraid@gmail.com (The Mayor) — Mon, 05 Jul 2010 17:16:00 +0000

Yep, that's a Fish Condo. It's $31.50 at the Umbra store. I almost bought it today, but then the tiny green alien that only I can see or hear slapped the shit out of me and told me not to spend my money on such retarded shit. But here's the thing; I regularly think about my fish as if it were a cat or a dog. Here are some examples:

1. When my first fish Gil passed, I was so distraught that I replaced him with a similar looking girl fish and named her Gilly.
2. When I went to Florida for a week, I left Gilly with a friend. I was very nervous in doing so and actually considered bringing her with me a la What About Bob? in a mason jar strung around my neck.
3. I have tested out 3 different fish foods and found the one she likes best.
4. I buy her "treats" (dehydrated brine shrimps).
5. She has a dark spot on her head that keeps getting larger and I am very concerned it is cancer.
6. I have Googled the sentance "How to diagnose/treat cancer in fish"
7. I cut down the fake plastic fern in her bowl because I could tell she wasn't enjoying how large it was.
8. I'm concerned she's putting on too much weight.
9. I want to get another fish so she doesn't get lonely.
10. I CONSIDERED BUYING HER A FISH CONDO

That last one stung me real hard to type. Ugh. I am one of "those people". But seriously, can fish get cancer? I don't want to bury another fish! (This is some Erin Brockovitch shit!)

The Fancy Food Show (there's such a thing?)

skipraid@gmail.com (The Mayor) — Tue, 29 Jun 2010 16:03:00 +0000

Hey everyone! So as I was reading one of the 40 blogs I usually paw through on the daily (I know, I need a life rull bad) and I was directed to photographs from the 2010 Summer Fancy Food Show. I know, right? That's a thing! I am well-versed in the Candy Expo and Snackstock and Meatapalooza, but never have I heard of the Fancy Food Show. Here's what I took from it: their definition of 'fancy' is clearly very different from mine. I would consider Liz Taylor-scented lobster-stuffed-with-tacos on a bed of sheep's dreams to be the fanciest of the fancy (well, that and Fancy Feast, which served in a crystal dish is tremendously classy and fancy). So let's take a look at what they consider to the be pinnacle of Fancy Foods, shall we?
BACON SALT
What is it? Well, the name doesn't lie - it's bacon salt. So, bacony salt, I guess? It looks like something you'd sprinkle on corn.
Is it fancy? Not really. This looks like something you'd find on sale at Wal-Mart. Also, the fact that 2 of the 4 flavours are Original (artificial bacon flavour) and Natural (naturally flavoured with bacon), it's not exactly something you'd find Donald Trump shaking on foie gras.
Would I eat it? Yes with an S, but No with a but: I would eat this once. Maybe twice. But a staple of my dinnertime seasonings it would not be. Here's the thing about bacon: it has a lovely smokey, meaty, salty, cured flavoured to it that really difficult to reproduce into an artificial seasoning. Artificial bacon, to me anyways, always tastes like when Japan tries to re-create a typical western food: it's sort of the same, but just weird enough to make it unsettling.

TRUFFLE SHELLS
What is it? Get ready to be grossed out! It's a real eggshell filled with creamy truffle. And yes, I did say real eggshell. Because it's not like foil-wrapped eggs haven't been doing their job for the last 30 Easters...
Is it fancy? Not really, it's more like a weird indulgence. I mean, sure - they're very delicate and fragile (two common attributes to fancy things) and filled with fancy chocolate (the bread and butter of the fancy world of the borgeois). But I still can't get over the fact that it's chocolate in a real, gross, used-to-have-a-slimy-egg-in-it eggshell. It's like filling a hooker's panties with extra-rare beluga caviar; sure it's fancy, but it's still in something you normally find in the garbage.
Would I eat it? Allow me to tell you a quick story. When I was a kid, maybe 14, I thought it would be really cool to melt down chocolates and fill hollowed-out egg shells with the candy. I then put them in the fridge to solid up, and when I took them out I cracked off the shells to reveal perfectly-shaped chocolate eggs! Oh wait, no. I cracked off the shells to reveal a hunk of shitty chocolate covered in the thin membrane normally attached to the inside of the eggshell. Oh, and in one I found that weird umbilical cord that is sometimes still attached to the egg. So, to answer your question: no, no fucking way would I eat this shit.

ECLAT CHOCOLAT
What is it? It's a hunk of chocolate on a stick that you stir into a mug of hot milk.
Is it fancy? No. Do you remember when you could find chocolate-covered plastic spoons in every coffee shop and gift store in the mid-90s? I do, and I remembered even back then I was thinking to myself "who the hell doesn't have access to both chocolate and a spoon?" It's not fancy at all - it's the same as fancy hot chocolate mix. Ever since people started putting chili peppers into hot chocolate, the hot cocoa game has been upped. If you want to fancy up cocoa, you need to reach a little higher than chocolate-clump-on-a-stick.
Would I eat it? Of course I would eat this, but the key word here is eat. I do not have the patience for boiling milk, stirring the stick, waiting for it to cool off, etc etc. I would eat it like corn on the cob.

RAW GREEN BUSH TEA (snicker)
What is it? Fancy-pants green tea. Which brings me to my next point...
Is it fancy? Oohlala, it looks like it! Tea automatically gets the Fancy Pass when it comes loose in a tin and not just a crappy box in crappy bags. Also the flavours are fairly fancy: Orange Red Carrot and Black Currant Cardamon are quite chi chi. I feel like Mango Chili has been done, but I won't turn my nose up at it. But Plantain Coconut? That's a little too Celestial Seasonings for me.
Would I eat it? Oh, for sure! I'm a big tea drinker and such a mark for expensive teas. I once paid $20 for a small bag (because I'm a rube and the salesperson saw me coming). So I would pass on the plain green option, but the other four I could see myself serving to friends (well...maybe not that carrot one).

MACKIE'S OF SCOTLAND HAGGIS AND CRACKED BLACK PEPPER POTATO CRISPS
What is it? Potato chips flavoured like pepper and lamb with secret hobo spices.
Is it fancy? Nope. Wacky potato chips are about as fancy as a fart in the dark. I mean, you can actually get generic potato chips in weird and interesting flavours for like, $1.99 a bag. Plus, the chip market is so hyper-saturated that you need something really crazy and out there, like chocolate-dipped potato chips, to stand out (ps - those exist).
Would I eat it? Sure, but I wouldn't pay more than $2 for a bag. I mean, let's face it - there's no greater flavour than All Dressed, so why bother?

THIS DOESN'T REALLY HAVE A NAME
What is it? It's just super raw honeycomb.
Is it fancy? I will say yes, because it is fiddly and difficult to use and there is a much simpler version of honey out there that comes in a bottle shaped like a bear. Plus, you probably can't buy this at the grocery store - this looks like some farmer's market shit.
Would I eat it? Yes and No. Yes, because I love honey, love mixing honey into salted butter and spreading on toast, love putting honey on yogurt and corn flakes and into tea. And No, because have you ever actually eaten honeycomb before? Honeycomb is 25% wax, which means that your teefs will be full of wax and your toast will be covered in wax and your tea will have wax floating on the top, etc etc forever and ever amen.

LEGRAND PESTO
What is it? It's pesto in an airtight bag. This is apparently good because air spoils pesto? I guess?
Is it fancy? Pesto is sort of fancy. Well, it's one of those mainstream fancy things, like spinach and artichoke dip, or dark chocolate.
Would I eat it? No, because pesto is GROSS.

479 POPCORN
What is it? Fancy seasoned popcorns!
Is it fancy? Can't you read? Of course it is! I think that popcorn is the new fancy snack. Kettle chips were pretty big about 10-15 years ago, and now that people have latched onto Kettlecorn like remoras on a shark, popcorn might just get its due. The flavours sound really good: Madras Coconut Curry and Cashews, Ginger Sesame Caramel, Vietnamese Cinnamon Sugar, Alderwood Smoked Sea Salt (I feel fancy just typing those!)
Would I eat it? Yes, for sure. Also I would want to buy and try all 4 flavours (good job, 479 Popcorn). But really, why has no one done cinnamon sugar popcorn before? It seems like such a no-brainer!

THIS ONE, LIKE THE HONEYCOMB, ALSO DOESN'T HAVE A KICKY NAME
What is it? It's a natural Himalayan salt plate that imparts a light salty flavour to foods served on it. They recommend cheeses and meats.
Is it fancy? Hells yes. I wouldn't be surprised if these salt plates sold for $200 each.
Would I eat it? You'd think the better question would be Would you eat off of it, but no - I would eat these. I think I'm part horse, because I love licking salty things (no need for a That's What She Said joke, people). My mother used to have this Christmas decoration of a salt dough Santa Claus that I used to take off the tree and lick the feet of. Then my aunt gave me a salt dough clown for my room and I used to take it off the wall and lick his back. Later I received a salt lamp that I was told had healing properties, but I used to just sit on the couch licking it. So yeah, I would buy this thing, but I would just end up eating it. Not a good investment.

American Food

skipraid@gmail.com (The Mayor) — Fri, 18 Jun 2010 01:44:00 +0000

Okay, so a month and a half ago I promised to regale you with tales of my trip to Florida. Well...I'm sorry, but you should have known how late I might be with this post. First off, it's very picture-heavy, which means a lot of uploading time (aka time I could be using to sleep or watch The Cleveland Show). Second, I really wanted to make it funny! I find a lot of the time I write an "America is like this/Canada is like this" article, it ends up being kind of lazy with the same punchlines you've heard many times before ("Hurrrrrrrrr Mericans are fat"). Anyways, the part of Florida I was staying in wasn't very trashy, which means that I wasn't able to take any good pictures for us to laugh at. The Sads. But I was able to spend plenty of time in the grocery store and took lots and lots of pictures of fatty 'Merican foods, sugary sweets, cheesy sodium-laden treats, and all-round Enemies of the American Heart Association and those fighting the good fight against diabeetus. Alright, are we ready??? I like to call this post:

Americans are Fat for a Reason
or
Vacationing Canadians are Self-righteous and Smug

I can easily predict that even as I am lying on my deathbed, with one foot in death's door, I will still be completely blown away by the flavours of American yogurt, with the Yoplait brands in particular. For instance, not only is the Key Lime Pie flavour (which has a flavour profile that includes lime, creamy-ness, and buttery crust) available in Yoplait's original recipe but the Whips! recipe as well. That means that the average American consumer needs (nay, demands!) their yogurts vary in texture but also maintain the same flavours they have come to love. Also they want their yogurt to taste vaguely of buttery citrus pie (BARF).

Last year the flavours that really blew me away were Boston Cream Pie and Cinnamon Roll. This year it was Raspberry Cheesecake and Red Velvet Cake. I wish to address each separately:
Raspberry Cheesecake: Here is something I do not understand. I don't get why people want their yogurt to taste like cheesecakes. It seems really weird and gross, especially knowing that there is no actually cream cheese component to the yogurt. Now, the raspberry is a whole other sack of hammers; there isn't any actual raspberry preserve in the yogurt. It's flavouring. The whole thing is yogurt and flavouring oils. Are you fucking hearing me?!!? This foodstuff is meant to smell and taste like something from The Cheesecake Factory, and the only correlation between the two is that the flavour of this yogurt was actually created in a factory (like Frankenstein's monster, natch). It's just so Futurama to me, like food pellets or that gum from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory that tastes like a roast beef dinner.
Red Velvet Cake: Besides being the new bacon, red velvet cake is something I would never, ever associate with a yogurt-based food. The cake gets its flavour from cocoa and vegetable oil (look it up, the oil is what makes it different) and the icing is cream cheese frosting. Let's add up the flavour profile of this one:
Cocoa + Vegetable Oil + Red Dye #2 + cream cheese + flour/baking soda/eggs = yogurt
In what weird, fucked up world do you want to eat yogurt that very vaguely tastes like cake? Please, I want to know! Find me a fatty who lives for this stuff beyond its foodstuff novelty; I need to know what went wrong in the womb.

Okay, so back to my thoughts on yogurt texture. In Canada, our yogurt usually comes in 2 textures: regular and light (the obvious difference is that regular is creamy and light is typically runnier and thinner). Now, I say usually because sometimes you can find mousse-like yogurts (which aren't that popular because they taste like crap) and very thick yogurts like Liberté Méditerranée but they're both kind of a niche thing. Anyways, in America they have tons of textures: regular, light, thick and creamy, whipped, fluffy, smooth and light, chalky, gritty, syrupy, etc etc. And they are really really popular; I guess Americans, not content with the broad catalogue of flavours, also needed an expansive stable of mouth textures for their yogurts (for a second I forgot I was just talking about yogurts. People! Americans have a million varieties of EACH. KIND. OF. FOOD. I just don't get it).

This is terrific for two reasons:
1. America is able to make even shitty vanilla creme sandwich cookies look tasty by adding adorable, contemporary animal graphic design to their packaging.
2. Hello?!? Does no one at Publix know that Vanilla Gorilla is the nickname for both a white guy with a big dong and/or the guy who cheated on America's Sweetheart Sandra Bullock?
Note-of-shame: Yes, that package is empty :(

This is the Hidden Valley Ranch wall at Wal-Mart. EWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!! Number one, ranch dressing is so fucking gross; it tastes like stale, shitty milk mixed with a package of dip mix from the Dollar store. Number two, it makes salad taste like a daycare. Number three, ranch dressing reminds me of crappy parties where someone puts out a tray of dried up carrot sticks and bruised celery and a huge bowl of ranch for dipping. BARF. Look, I don't want to claim to be some kind of high-falootin' big shot: I love shitty chicken caesar salads and mozzarella sticks and the like, but ranch dressing is the lowest of the low. Fun fact: next time you watch A&E's Intervention, count how many times you see a bottle of HVR. I bet it's more than 3!

On to a much sadder, less fun to make fun of subject: Pop Tarts. At least yogurt and salad dressing are purchased by grown adults who are able to make their own food-based decisions with at least an ounce of Food Pyramid consciousness, but Pop Tarts are marketed, made, and sold exclusively to children. Note: I am a grown-ass adult and the odd time I will purchase Pop Tarts to eat as a snack, but for the sake of argument, can we just agree that Pop Tarts are a child's foodstuff? Okay, good. So yeah, Pop Tarts are sold under the guise of fast, on-the-go breakfast food, despite the completely obvious fact that there is no pediatrician or nutritionist that would ever recommend any child eat Pop Tarts for breakfast. So let's just play Devil's Advocate for a second and pretend that you're a lazy mom (notice how I didn't say lazy broke mom? Exactly - that's because serving-to-serving, cereal and milk is much cheaper than Pop Tarts. Truth; Pop Tarts aren't even for moms on the F-Stamps). Okay, so you're a lazy mom who can't take two seconds to make her kid a decent breakfast and you throw a Pop Tart into the toaster. Would you not feel like CPS would come and collect your children if you fed them Blueberry Muffin Pop Tarts? Yeah, those are practically part of the raw food diet compared to these:

Amazing. Vanilla Milkshake and Hot Fudge Sundae. Breakfast that tastes like Dairy Queen. Also I love this:

25% less sugar? Thank Christ, I'd hate for Deremy and Jerrick to get Type 2 Diabetes.

This one is the best: Frosted Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough. So it's sweet pastry filled with cookie dough-filling and frosted with chocolate icing. So it's dough and dough and icing. This sounds like cheesecake...WAIT A SECOND! It all makes sense! Americans need everything to taste like cheesecake. Which brings me to my next thought: why hasn't Pop Tarts created a cheesecake-filled varietal? What's that? Pillsbury Toaster Strudels beat them to it? Of course. Those sneaky bastards.

Well, if this isn't the most obvious sign of the apocalypse, then I don't know what is. In the event your vision is bad, this is a whole wall of Oreo cookies. This particular wall happens to the be second of two Oreo cookie walls in Wal-Mart. That's right! In Wal-Mart, there are two Oreo cookie aisles. Two. TWO FUCKING AISLES. These are the same people that still don't want gays to get married or legislate Universal Healthcare because it will 'ruin the country'. Fuck that, the fatties ruined America a long ass time ago. Hey America, know how many Oreo aisles we have in Canadian grocery stores? 0 AISLES. That's because we have a small section for cookies to ensure that people don't gorge themselves half to death. Meanwhile, back at For Fucks Sakes...

Oreo Blizzard cookies.

Even gum in America is dessert. We usually get these wacky gum flavours too, but they never do too well. I guess people up here get grossed out if gum isn't mint or cinnamon. You know what? Our loss, because this gum was fantastic! It didn't taste so much like pina colada as it did sweet pineapple, which was refreshing. Pineapple gum! Great! So good I chewed every piece in 3 days and wanted more. Although I think it was just the novelty, because it isn't very practical. Imagine eating a shawarma and then eating a piece of pina colada gum? Yeah, I also just barfed a little in my mouth.

Grits! Is there anything more 'Merican than grits? Canada has Cream of Wheat, but we eat it differently (sugar, sometimes cream). Americans like their grits savoury and cheesy (or plain with salt and pepper). I think that grits are an amazing staple of the diner breakfast and really wish they would replace potatoes in the Canadian breakfast 4-square (eggs/meat/toast/potatoes). They're warm, not terrible for you, have a decent amount of fibre, can be made cheaply and quickly, fill you up. However (oh, you knew there was going to be a however here). Just like what Quaker Instant Oatmeal is to actual oatmeal, Quaker Instant Grits are not really grits. They're very high in sodium, fat, calories, and are chock full o' artificial flavours, such as:
RED EYE GRAVY & COUNTRY HAM (ew, what?)
CHEDDAR CHEESE (okay, that's not terrible)
AMERICAN CHEESE (isn't American cheese just fake processed cheese? Why would you want your grits to taste like that?)
BUTTER (oh hayul naw. Is real butter not readily available any more?)
COUNTRY BACON (why is everything "country"? I'm not retarded, I get that pigs can't be farmed in downtown Detroit. But it's the same as using the label "farm fresh eggs". Obviously - to put "sewer cultivated eggs" would be totally stupid).
Grits are one of those things that you should be able to add stuff to on your own, like pasta. Imagine seeing Pesto 4-Cheese Roasted Garlic Spice pasta? Right? You get where I'm going with this.

Alright, enough negativity. America does do some foods way better than Canada. Case in point, Fage greek yogurt. Why why why WHY don't we have this in Canada?!?! I would sell my sister for Fage. I would commit murder for Fage. This stuff is so good, I need to move on because I'm about to cry thinking of all the terrible things I would do to ensure Fage was brought to Canadian supermarkets.

Country Gravy aka Sawmill Gravy aka Baby Jesus Tears is one of those things you can't describe until you've tasted it. 4 of your 5 senses are working against you to ensure you don't ever ingest it:
SIGHT: It looks like semen
SMELL: It smells like sausages cooked in semen
TOUCH: Its gooey, like...a wet baby diaper (I bet you thought I was going to say semen)
SOUND: It sounds like semen. What? Exactly.
and then...
TASTE: It tastes like a cold winter's eve by the fire. It tastes like the first rain of Spring. It tastes like a baby's smile. It tastes like sausage and butter and saltiness and cream and heart and love and soul and God.

Hells to the no, Bobby B!!! Crush comes in two flavours in Canada: Aluminum Can Orange and 2L Plastic Welfare Bottle Grape. Both aren't very good. But in the US of A you can get Strawberry Crush? Orange Crush in the bottle?? Also, if you'll note in the picture, people don't get pissy when you move the bottles around. Would you like 2 of each flavour? Well, go right ahead, good sir. In Canada, someone would give you cut eye for doing that.

Ah, Coffee Mate. Those who like it, like it a lot. In Canada, we have 5 flavours: Original, French Vanilla, Hazelnut, Irish Cream, and Double Double Mate (which is just sweet cream). In the US, they have close to 30 FLAVOURS. Now, most of these are seasonal: for instance, you can only get Peppermint Mocha in the Winter, Pumpkin Spice and Vanilla Chai Latte in the Fall. But in general, walk into any grocery store and you'll find many flavours of Coffee Mate, like this little guy here - Belgian Chocolate Toffee. I know I was bitching and moaning several pictures up about how America gets a 4-hour boner for yogurt flavours, but this makes sense. You can get different, fun coffee options at Starbucks, so why not at home? Plus, Coffee Mate doesn't pretend it's something it's not; it knows its nothing more than flavoured, powdered non-dairy creamer aka straight-up chemicals. Plus, it lasts a long time. This particular container of Coffee Mate was gifted to the recipient on May 10th and was completely used by June 21st. That's value.

As a fervent baker, I am always on the lookout for cool baking ingredients, syrups, spices, etc. These blew me away - they're very tiny caramel balls. Seriously, can you comprehend for a second that I used to MAKE THESE?!? I would take a shitload of caramel squares, unwrap them all (that's the worst), cut them with scissors into 4 pieces, roll each piece in my hands to form a ball, curse at God. My only regret is that I only bought one bag and not 40. I think I will make cookies with these.

Finally, I have made fun of Americans in the past for Cheesecake flavoured Jell-O pudding (a slander I fully stand behind) but sometimes they get it right: case in point, Jell-O coconut cream flavour and white chocolate flavour. I have yet to sample the coconut cream pudding, but I have a very good feeling it will be amazing. The white chocolate flavour, however, is quite bittersweet. In Canada, we used to have this flavour but it wasn't a big seller, so it was discontinued. Can I tell you how delicious it was? The white chocolate flavour was so mild and nuanced, it was almost like what Vanilla should be. Very very good. Anyways, they pulled it and I have spent the past 2 years combing Dollar Stores and food banks (just kidding...or am I?) looking for the white chocolate flavour with no luck. When I'm in the US, I always buy a box because it's so nice. I like to make it for dessert when I have company. Note: it tastes very special when you put fresh raspberries in it before it sets.

Anyways, that's it! That's all the gross-tastic (and delicious) foods I found in America. I can't wait to go back to see what new things I can find (Spoiler alert! I bet they'll be very fatty).

American Apparel: Hits and Misses (well..mostly misses)

skipraid@gmail.com (The Mayor) — Tue, 15 Jun 2010 18:37:00 +0000

About two years ago, I wrote about the crappy styles at American Apparel, which was funny, but sort of like shooting fish in a barrel. I mean, most of the clothing 2 years ago was designed around the theory of If it's tight it's right. Well, not anymore, apparently. Forget about Dov Charney sleeping with all the female staff; there's a new attack on American Apparel:

They hire based on appearance.

I know, right? SHOCKING. A store with a reputation for being image-centric is hiring staff based solely on good looks. Of course, the whistle blower this time is gossip site Gawker. It seems like every other day they have a new article on how sleazy and shitty American Apparel is. In case you have 8 hours to kill, feel free to read their entire back catalogue of Won't Somebody PLEASE Think of the Children!-worthy posts, such as:

American Apparel Has a 'Full Body Head to Toe' Employment Policy

American Apparel: Internal Documents Reveal Uglies Not Welcome

And my personal favourite, American Apparel's Complete Guide to Grooming

But really, what are we worried about? It's common knowledge that American Apparel sales have been in the turlet: they recently announced a $17.6 million loss for the first quarter of 2010. Wamp wamp. It could be because they are trying really really hard to re-brand themselves as classic American, late 80s/early 90s Ralph Lauren upper-class casual (which is a huge leap from late 70s/early 80s spandex camel-toe fat hooker swimwear-as-outerwear look they were aiming for as of 2008 and/or the EVERYTHING WE SELL IS THIN AND GREY look of 2009). Will it work? Meh, who knows. Alls I know is they are still selling some really ugly shit.

Okay, so this just kills me. It's not terrible, per se - I mean, it's just a wintertime nighty-night onesie. But seriously, could you imagine your boyfriend/husband wearing this? I don't speak for all men, but all the guys I know/have shared a bed with usually get so hot at night they sleep in their underwear. Hell, I grew up with a Dad who never wore pyjamas, and one time I saw him wearing a full shirt-and-drawstring-pants pyjama set and it was WEIRD. I was like "Dad, this is more traumatic than seeing you in your worn-out underwear". So I cannot imagine the kind of guy that would actually wear a full onesie. I imagine this guy's father looks at this picture of his son and thinks "I made so many mistakes raising Geoffrey...."

Okay, so two things about this are making me barf in my mouth.
1) The zipper. EW. My uncle used to date this lady named Barb (who pronounced it like Beyurb) and she was all about the zippered bathing suits. I should also mention that she was clinging to a style that was popular about 10 years prior - this was like, the mid-to-late 90s. Anyways, one time her kids came over and used my sister and I's Super Soakers and we were PISSED. Long story short, bathing suits with zippers always makes me irrationally angry.
2) The denim. I cannot stand anything faux-denim. Actually, I'll take it one further - I don't tolerate denim as a first-layer. That means no denim tank tops, bras, or short shorts. That means you, 80% of the Summertime public. I just can't handle those super short jean shorts - they're so trashy. I don't care that you paid $100 for them; it still looks like Christina Aguilera in her Dirrty days. Anyways, denim-print things are just so gross. Imagine cordouroy print? Wool-print? And it's ALWAYS on a spandex-type fabric too, which is 100x worse. Anyways, this bathing suit is my nightmare.

While the second image of the model isn't terrible (it's still bad, but not bad enough for me to barf up my lunch) the first image says "I can't wait to spend this month's cheque on that knockoff Coach purse down at the flea market", which is to say - yes, I am alluding to the fact that she looks like she collects welfare.

This picture does not do this coat justice; it is much worse in person. I saw it and was like "ew, is that sweatpant material?" and yes, yes it is. It's a jacket made from sweatpants, and it fits exactly how you would think a jacket made from sweatpants would fit: Awful.

These riding pants are thick and tight, which means one thing: crotch rot. And for the rest of us who aren't anorexic or a size 0, it means something else: DHB (dumpy horse butt).

This whole look reminds me of the crazy alcoholic drug-addict mom who used to live on my street and flip-off the neighbors. And for those of you who didn't grow up with such a colourful character, let me tell you: more sad than hilarious. You'd think such a lady would be the basis for many a "oh my god, when I was 11" stories, but it was more like "oh my god, this one time my 9 and 6 year old neighbors had to sit in their garage on paint cans on a really rainy night because they were locked out and their mom was getting drunk at a bar".

She's 3 lbs away from a seriously offensive gunt.

Blue Velvet the movie: amazing
Blue Velvet the fabric: not very forgiving

"Shit...I can't really go topless to Gamp-gamp's funeral, but it's sooooooo hot outside. But Nan-nan will kill me if I show up with no shirt on. But it's soooooo effing hot outside!"
"God Julian, just wear the mesh tank. We're already late"

The issue I have with this shirt is that it's so baggy that one could not effectively wager a guess as to whether or not the wearer has man boobs, thus entering into the critical apex before one gives the green-light to intercourse. Jokes! The reason I hate it is because it's fucking stupid looking.

This is some straight-up Jackie Earle Haley/Little Children shit.

This skirt looks like that dare VICE had about a year ago where people had to find 5 days worth of the shittiest second-hand clothing and make a friend wear every outfit. I can't imagine how one could possibly make this skirt any more tolerable.

Erp. Apparently this is how you make that skirt more tolerable. Like honestly, it's fun to rag on American Apparel's clothing, but sometimes they put out something so fug that even Dov himself must say "Wow, guys...maybe let's sober up first before putting these pants into mass-production". I cannot see even the hipsterest of hipsters wearing these pants. The only person dumb enough to try it would be Kesha (I refuse to type that dollar sign) and you and I know she's pretty special in a "honey, pass the gasoline - I can't believe the dangerous-inhalant cravings I've had during this pregnancy."

In other "It looks like I pooed my pants" news...

American Apparel was successful at bringing back the fanny pack, mom jeans, sweatshirts with cats on it, pastels, and that nylon rope you use to hang sunglasses around your neck. Now they're working on pleated poly-cotton pants and knit button up vests. I'm no math professor, but if [(X + Y) x Y/Z] + (irony x 2) = STOP TRYING TO MAKE MIDDLE AGED SEXLESS MIDWESTERN MOM HAPPEN. It's not going to happen!

Out of all the clothing in all the world, can I tell you that this t-shirt is the style that gives me the chills the most? I don't know what it is, but it's making me sick just looking at it. Maybe I was molested once by a weird European guy in a threadbare scoopneck t-shirt and I have chosen to block it out of my memory. Or maybe it's just that scoopneck t-shirts look fucking disgusting. I dunno. I'll go with number two.

And finally, the piece de shit (ugh, sorry - that doesn't even count as a joke) is this whole look, but let's break it down piece by piece, shall we?
1) Unless you're a Dad or a golfer or a tennis pro, polo shirts are pretty lame. They look like you work at Subway or Wal-Mart and always smell like B.O. Buttoning them up does not save them; it makes them look much, much worse. Add to that the fact that they always look worn out, no matter the colour or how many times you wash/don't wash it.
2) Woven belts reminds me of dorky boys who get mushroom cuts till they're 12 and always have a teen-stache and love family trips with their parents and their whole closet consists of t-shirts from various American landmarks and all their friends are a good 5 years younger than them and they sit down to pee and they have never called their junk a wiener or dick but a penis-with-a-hard-P. I don't want to wear anything that this kid wears.
3) The pleated pants. In seafoam green. Norther Reflections has just contacted their lawyers.
All in all, I like to call this look 20-year-old Late in Life Lesbian. If I were to do a mood board for her, it would involve tons and tons of cat hair and a sports bra.

Monday Post re-runs :(

skipraid@gmail.com (The Mayor) — Mon, 14 Jun 2010 16:47:00 +0000

Hey everyone! Okay, so I was planning on writing something awesome for today, but this weekend was a beeet of a mess. First off, Friday night was me moving all my stuff into a temporary housing situation. Not fun. I feel like Royal Tenenbaum living out of a hotel. Second, Saturday was one of the best/worst days of my life: best because I saw Neil Hamburger and worst because I got diarrhea at Neil Hamburger (and yes, I will be telling you the story of that. Maybe Wednesday). Third, Sunday I was out all day petting dogs at this thing called Woofstock (yes, it is a dog festival and yes, all the dogs drop acid and hump furiously). So yeah, I was really busy and didn't have time to write you something good. My bad. Please accept this old post from June 10th of 2007 (HOLY SHIT 3 YEARS AGO) titled Muppet Babies: Where Are They Now? I guess I wanted to re-post this one since I was recently talking about the Muppet Babies growing up and how messed up I thought it was that baby Gonzo was all about chickens and eggs and shit and then he grew up to date chickens. FACT: in a Muppet Babies book I used to read over and over and over again as a little girl, baby Gonzo slept in an egg and his nightlight was a chicken. That would be like me sleeping in a sperm-shaped crib and my nightlight is a penis, right? I dunno, there's something weird and unsettling about that. Or maybe I'm just reading too much into it. Anyways, enjoy!

New Jelly Belly flavour? Habmursaaaay!

skipraid@gmail.com (The Mayor) — Wed, 09 Jun 2010 20:04:00 +0000

Picture courtesy of The AV Club.

Okay, so this week I was reading The AV Club's annual post about The Sweets & Snacks Expo (previously named the All Candy Expo) and I got really excited to see that Jelly Belly will FINALLY be releasing a new flavour! Remember way back in September 2007 when I asked (nay, begged!) for a new flavour or two? Well, looks like someone at Jelly Belly finally took 10 minutes from filming clips for Unwrapped to think up a new flavour and it is....

HONEY!

Yeah, okay...that's a little boring, but it works. I mean, would I want to eat a whole bag of honey flavoured jelly beans? Probably not, but I wouldn't spit it out if I got it in an assorted bag. Anyways, it got me to thinking about jelly bean flavours again, so here are some more ideas.

And yes, it's clearly a very very slow week.

FRUIT FLAVOURS
To me, the fruit flavours are what keep the Jelly Belly brand in business. Sure, there's a certain fun that comes with wacky flavours like pudding and buttered popcorn, but the majority of beans in the bag are fruits. And it seems like they have done every single flavour; hell, they have just about every berry and citrus. But they are missing two: green grapes, lime. They have tons of lime-flavoured beans (mojito, lemon lime, etc) but no straight-up lime. And green grapes are delicious, but why do they call them white grapes in the US? I never understood that.

CANDY FLAVOURS
The candy flavours don't seem to really make it in there because, lets face it, if you want something Snickers-flavoured, you'll buy a Snickers. But some flavours go really well and aren't necessarily candy bars themselves: dark chocolate mint, chocolate caramel, cookies and cream. I feel like all of these could be really good (especially that chocolate caramel one). Make it pls.

FOODS FROM YOUR FRIDGE
I couldn't classify these that well (not candy, not fruit) so I guess they fall into the same category as Peanut Butter (ie. Stuff that really shouldn't be made into a gelatinous bean). Maybe I should have named this category WEIRD ONES, but that is a naming convention better left for beans flavoured like boogers and poo. Here are one I thought of: sweet cream (creamy but not vanilla. Maybe like a buttercream?), rosewater, cream cheese (gross?), baked brie (okay, this could be delicious. It would be creamy and cheesy and a bit buttery and pastry-like. Ew, maybe I just want to bake a brie when I go home), sweet tea (black tea with honey and milk), vanilla-mint (too toothpaste-y?), chocolate milk, ice cream sandwich (I guess that's sort of like the cookies and cream one), custard (vanilla pudding?), red bean paste. And I know I mentioned before but WHY CAN'T THEY MAKE A RED LICORICE FLAVOURED BEAN?! It can't be hard.

Is it too soon to nominate her as 2020's Corey Haim?

skipraid@gmail.com (The Mayor) — Wed, 09 Jun 2010 14:25:00 +0000

Lindsay, Lindsay, Lindsay. I've followed Lindsay's downspiral for over 3 years now, and I really do wish her the best with her recovery. God, grant her the serenity toBAHHAHAHAHAHAHA I can't do it!! I can't! She's just too fucked up! Like honestly, in the beginning I was seriously rooting for her; how could she not have avoided a cocaine problem? I mean, her whole life is a recipe for disaster:

How to Make a Failing Actress
- 1 fame-hungry New Jersey mother
- 1 fame-hungry alcoholic father
Mix together and immediately pimp offspring to a talent agency. Age several years in the spotlight and be sure to mix in plenty of over-the-top back-patting and shallow compliments to ensure maximum narcissism. Once aged to about 15-16 years, add the following:
- 1 hit movie
- 1 dozen members of an entourage who's sole purpose is to aggressively inflate her ego
- Several heaping pay cheques (be sure to avoid agent's advice that you should invest the money in a college fund).
Note: Be sure NOT to include any accountability or rules, otherwise you might end up with a Dakota Fanning.
Once the actress is full self-centered, rapidly add the following:
- 1 40 oz. bottle of vodka every 2 hours
- 2 cocaine dealers (make sure to borrow against the other when cash isn't readily available)
- 1 fame-hungry mother who makes terrible management decisions
- 1 fame-hungry father who went to prison and found Jesus
- Several rehab centers that work on the "sign yourself out when you think you're sober" policy
- add GET FUCKED UP to taste

Seriously. Know what's BEYOND to me? The judge ordered she wear that SCRAM anklet (and I will not Google what SCRAM stands for because I love calling it a SCRAM. I imagine it was put on her ankle by a crusty old man. Scram, whydontchaz!) Anyways, bitch has this anklet on for 1 week and she's already set it the fuck off. UM, WHAT?!?!?! This is some Leaving Las Vegas shit! Remember how Nicholas Cage can't go 30 minutes with Mommy Juice or he'll get the shake-ums? Holy shit, that's Lindsay Lohan (I won't even get into the ending of Leaving Las Vegas where SPOILER ALERT! Nicolas Cage drinks himself to death because, well, that's just too morbid).

So really - what the hell do you do with someone like this? Her parents are in total denial that she's a fucking drug addict and an alcoholic (well, her mother at least. Michael Lohan seems to be genuinely worried while the TMZ cameras are rolling). She has no friends. Her drug dealers have turned on her. Hell, she's working on a biopic of Linda Lovelace right now that is rumoured to be nothing more that 120 minutes of soft-core porn with a couple of beat-downs thrown in for continuity's sake. Does anybody else see Lindsay Lohan as a sort-of Dana Plato/Corey Haim hybrid? Cause I do, and it's sort of like watching a really low-budget circus sideshow, except that her trick is being a mess. And know what the worst part is? That when she dies, and she will die from drugs/booze/pills/wrapping her car around a tree, her People magazine cover will look like this:

I hate that! They always make it seem so tragic and shocking like "wait, what?!? Not (insert D List celebrity drug-addict here)! I was laboring under the delusion that they were going to live a long, sober life! Why, God, why would you take such a productive member of society away from us! They had so much more to give!" Obviously we should know who's at fault here:

Doye, you and me.

If we just stopped watching E! and Access Hollywood and reading US Weekly and InTouch and Perez Hilton, and stopped reading their Twitter feed (I'm sorry, I refuse to use the word 'Tweet') and STOPPED CARING ABOUT THEM, Lindsay would go away. So would Heidi Montag. So would Kendra Wilkinson and Kim Kardashian and every other famous-for-nothing celebrity. Know what the worst part is? I honestly would not get star struck if I saw a Kardashian (I really could give a shit) and yet I still buy US Weekly. What is wrong with me?!? I try to convince myself I buy it for the lame fashion advice, but really - I don't dress like anyone in US Weekly. Ugh, anyways, when Lindsay Lohan finally implodes, I'll be there with bells on, but only because I can't quit Means Girls Lindsay Lohan. Crap.

In other news, I promise a much better post that this one in the near future. I know, I have failed you as a parent (like Dina Lohan. OMG FULL CIRCLE!!!)

Canada's Wonderland or How to make a shitty amusement park

skipraid@gmail.com (The Mayor) — Thu, 03 Jun 2010 13:54:00 +0000

Canada is a huge country (bigger than America, nutlickers!) and yet there are some things we just don't really have a grasp on. The first is population: our country is massive and yet we only have 34 million people living in it. Merica has 9 times more people (304.5 million to be near-exact). Geographically speaking, Canada is a great country. Lots of space, clean, tons of trees, and yet no one wants to live here. Meh, what can you do I guess. So along with population, another thing Canada just can't get a handle on is amusement parks. We just do. not. understand. them. Like, we know they're fun (just about every Canadian kid you will ever talk to has been to Disney World/Disneyland) but when it comes to making our own, we suck so hard at it. Let me break it down for you like this:

Population of Chicago: 2.8 million people
- number of amusement parks near by: 2 (Darien Lake and Six Flags)
Population of Toronto: 2.5 million people
- number of amusements parks near by: 1 (Canada's Wonderland). And if you don't like Canada's Wonderland, you're more than welcome to pack up the kids and drive 7 hours to Montreal to go to Canada's Wonderland's shitty, Dollar Tree knock-off, La Ronde.

So yeah, in the whole country, there are 4 theme parks: Playland in BC, Galaxyland in Alberta, Canada's Wonderland in Ontario, and La Ronde in Quebec. Four. Are you hearing me?!?! There are like 40 in America. Shit. Anyways, Canada's Wonderland is the biggest one in the country, but that doesn't necessarily mean its the best. There is literally no theme to this place. For about 10 years it was owned by Paramount, so everything was movie-themed, but they were bought out (or backed out, or sold it or something) so now everything is a shell of its former self. For instance, what was once a roller coaster called The Italian Job (you got to race around in little Mini Coopers!) is now called Backlot Stunt Coaster. Um, lame? You still ride around a track that looks like LA and New York and inside cars that are vaguely Mini Cooper styled, but it's a backlot? And a stunt training facility? I know, it's just really questionable. There was a ride called Top Gun that was, doye, a ride made to mimic fighter pilots, and then Paramount bought the park and really souped up the Tom Cruise-edness of the ride, but when Paramount left, they had to change the name. Why? It was Top Gun before Paramount bought it! Now its something so gay like Flight Deck. Ugh. I kept thinking to myself "If you're going to make a theme park with fun roller coasters and rides (and, honestly, they are all really fun and scary. Way more fun than Disney World, but not nearly as good as Universal Islands of Adventure) and call it Canada's Wonderland, why not make it Canadian-themed? How much fucking fun would that be?!?! You could have different areas of the park like the West Coast (Natives, fishing, rockies, snow boarding, totem poles), Alberta (cows, cowboys, rodeos, hot springs, mountains), the Prairies (um....wheat? Farming? Okay, not a good example), Ontario and Toronto (urban, fast, multi-cultural, it would be like little New York City), Quebec (Hudson Bay shit, French, Old), the East Coast (fishing..again, lobsters, Newfies, Islands). And everything would be beavered-and-mapled right up. Would that not be fucking amazing?!?! You'd actually get tourist who want to see a Canadiana-themed park. Its the same reason why people go to Las Vegas; cool looking themed shit. Oh yeah, and tons of gambling and hookers. Anyways, I was there last week and decided to take a few good pictures for all of you. Canada's Wonderland really is a spectacular waste. Enjoy!

Okay, so if you look up pictures of Canada's Wonderland online, you're probably going to find something like this:

When in reality, it's more like this:

That is bleak. I mean, it wasn't even a really crappy day or anything either. But it makes the park look ghetto as hell. Oh, know what else makes it look ghetto as hell? Hand stamps.

Are we still using hand stamps as proof of admission? Have we not matured into the world of tagged bracelets or something? Also, in case you can't tell from the picture (and let me just assume you can't) that's a stamp of Peppermint Patty from the Peanuts gang. Now would be a very good time for me to make a joke about it being LGTB day at Wonderland or something, but I want to touch on the Peppermint Patty thing a few pictures down. Stay tuned.

While waiting in line, you are bound to see some amazing tattoos. Now, this one is really difficult to see, and it was my 5th very solid try to capture it, but it's a portrait of a baby (I'll just assume her daughter) who has passed. It says RIP BABY MAIA 2008 and there is a cross growing from the baby's head. Now, I can't pretend to know what its like to lose a child, but I can *almost* be sure that if I were to lose my child, I would not elect to commit that child's legacy to my back fat via a really terribly rendered tattoo portrait. But then again, this woman has matched her banana clip to her tank top, so she must know something I don't.

This guy's shirt said PURE VIKING but it reads as PUBE VIKING. Also, what?? That's like me wearing a shirt that said MONGOLIAN WARLORD. Actually, that's not terrible...

Okay, so this lady was DEAD SERIOUS about her outfit, and then she opened her mouth and I knew why; she was Eastern European! Look, as someone who is 1/2 European, I can verify that we choose some terrible clothing in hopes of looking glamorous and stylish, and end up with FAIL. This woman had been touched by the elegance fairy in several places:
- THAT HAIR!!! Are you seeing that? It was bright bright orange red with gross vanilla highlights. Also it was a few days too dirty.
- There is nothing I hate more than mock-turtlenecks, but when you add the weird late-90s quality of a halter, then throw it in the microwave with spandex? Lawdamurrcy.
- Those pants were in my nightmares for days. I cannot tell you how fearful I would be if someone forced me to wear them. Because I could. not. do. it. First off, they were supposed to be much looser than skin-tight. I think. Also they were white, and let me tell you, I do NOT wear white, ever. I doubt I will wear white at my wedding. I just think it looks gross on everyone, no matter the skin tone. Also, those pockets?!?! Santo dios, those pockets. They were like glued to her thighs. And finally....the toe. They were there with their 8-year-old daughter and she seemed to be embarrassed of them. Well, at least one of them knows the score.

In one part of the park there is this fantastic little river that is just lousy with fish. People don't really care too much about them (LAME) but the ones that do are usually Ed Hardy-wearing guido families who are feeding them peanuts and candy and sandwiches. Um, NO. Fish don't eat your shitty food, they eat fish pellets. However, they are the biggest fish I have ever seen in such crappy water (I'm sure the vomit run-off throws the toxicity levels through the roof) so who am I to complain? There are more and more every year, so maybe they live off sandwich meat and sugar? Or children that fall into the river? ONE CAN DREAM.

A friend of mine is a toy designer and I mentioned once that if you ever want to make a character cooler, just give them sunglasses. Welp, looks like sunglasses are out and surfing is IN! Look at old Papa Tom there, donuts in one hand and not a care in the other. It's a good thing that they didn't give him sunglasses or we might have something that is too cool on our hands (Rule No. 2 about coolness: don't alienate your audience). PS - in case you don't know what Tiny Toms are, you should google it. They are very tiny, hot donuts that are put in a bag with whatever kind of sugar you want. I always get cinnamon sugar, because apple cinnamon is gross and cocoa is bland. Powdered sugar is a good alternative if the cinnamon sugar looks like it has debris in it (which it usually does).

On to the best part of Wonderland, the gift shop! The Canada's Wonderland gift shop used to be AMAZING!! It was as good as Disney World but it was filled with Hanna-Barbera characters, so everything had amazing retro-Flintstone and Jetson stuff on it. I still have a red Captain Caveman glass from years and years ago that I use when I brush my teeth. Anyways, now it's nothing but shitty faux-Ed Hardy and booze-themed stuff (which makes sense I guess, since I saw tons of people wearing Jersey Shore t-shirts). Anyways, they have this thing going where Canada's Wonderland is trying to re-brand itself as badass so everything is Ride Warrior this and Ride Warrior that. But really, you have to be at least 4 foot 5 to go on most of the rides, so how badass is it to be riding behind two 13-year-old girls wearing Hannah Montana t-shirts?

Canada's Wonderland (in the late 70s/early 80s) had a section of the park that was Medieval themed. Well...it still sort of is, but in the most basic, ghetto way possible. For some reason, all the souvenirs are aggressively Medieval and D&D looking. Like honestly, who the hell goes to Wonderland and goes "Fuck, if I don't commemorate this trip with a crappy gold dragon shotglass, then this has been a wasted day". I couldn't even be bothered to flip it over to see the price tag because anything over $0.99 would be a massive waste of money.

What's worse than glittery Canada's Wonderland shot glasses?

Glittery Canada's Wonderland martini glasses :(

Okay, so remember how I was saying I wanted to tackle Peppermint Patty in her own post? Here's my issue - why are they trying to de-dykeify Peppermint Patty with this pink shirt? Sorry, but decades of damage have been done to her image; giving her a pink shirt does not a straight girl make. What's next, Marci gets LASIK and starts wearing nothing but bikinis all the time? Will one of them hook up with Linus and get pregnant? I mean, it's not like Peppermint Patty was a militant feminist who took joy in emasculating Charlie Brown (that's Lucy's job). I can't imagine there were enough parents writing in to...whatever company owns Peanuts...that "all the characters are timeless and sweet and funny and my kids have really grown up with them. But recently my daughter has taken an interest in sandals and soccer and her and her best friend are inseperable and I am pretty sure she's leaning towards being a gayelle, so can you please femme-up Peppermint Patty before I'm asked to attend a Commitment Ceremony?"

Okay, so the t-shirts are pretty bad now too. The old shirts used to just have the names of the rides on them, which is super cheesy, but kind of cute. Now they're mildly sexual or trying to cash in on pop-culture blips. Take this one, for example. Coaster Hero? What? How is riding a roller coaster comparable to playing a videogame inside? Ugh, the worst part is I'm sure that there will be tons of 12-year-old boys wearing these shirts, and then, in 5 years there will be tons of these shirts in Value Village.

Remember when I said most were mildly sexual? Nothing says "wait, what?" like a shirt that is a parody of the "My other ride is your Mom". And yes, I know that it's originally a bumper sticker that's like "My other ride is a Tauntaun" or "My other ride is a horse" or some shit, but the "My other ride is your Mom" has killed this one-fun idea. Also, the kinds of kids who are buying these shirts are no where near old enough to drive a car, so what's their regular ride? The back seat of their Mom's Dodge Caravan?

I won't lie, this wasn't terrible. I would buy this and wear it if some kid barfed on my shirt and I didn't bring a change of clothes.

So yeah, even though I rag on it, I kind of feel the same way this pillow feels (except that I would never, ever buy something this retarded).

This is the part where The Mayor tries to explain CATS

skipraid@gmail.com (The Mayor) — Mon, 31 May 2010 18:44:00 +0000

Okay, so yesterday I was able to cross another item off my bucket list and saw the 1980s musical CATS. Guess what, people? CATS isn't a guilty pleasure for me; I feel no guilt over my love for singing, dancing, leotarded anthropomorphic animals. Let me give you a little back story about me wanting to see CATS, okay?

Note: Now would be a good time to get a drink or use the bathroom if you don't give a shit about flashbacks or stories about my childhood. Peace! See you in 10 minutes.

Okay, so CATS was released in 1981, before I was born, but it was one of the longest-running stage musicals of the 80s and I was bombarded with the commercials on TV telling me not to miss this once-in-a-lifetime experience. We didn't have a cat at my house (my mother was allergic) but my Aunt had a cat named Blackie that I LOVED. Also I was TURBO OBSESSED with Thundercats and I assumed that CATS would just be like Thundercats LIVE! aka A Good Time Had By All. Anyways, I begged my Mother to take me and she always refused; I think she saw CATS with my Dad and they both didn't like it (her other argument was that I would be bored to death since all I watched on TV was action cartoons like She-Ra and Spiderman and the lack of 'splosions would have me fidgeting all through the show). There was no way I could win; even if someone had volunteered to take me, my parents would have shut them down, told them to save their money, or, if they really wanted to give me a once-in-a-lifetime experience, to buy me a Thundercats VHS tape that I would no doubt watch till VCRs became extinct at the hands of DVD players. When I moved schools in Grade 4 I heard talk that in Grade 6 all the kids got to attend a play in the city. The rumor was that we might see CATS, but it turned out that we would see The Phantom of the Opera aka SUPER BORING LAME TIME. I really didn't give two craps about seeing Phantom because later that year my grandparents were going to take me to see Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat aka The Bible Just got a Whole Lot Sexier, Amirite? (Which, I must say, is a really fun show for both kids and adults alike, but you probably already knew that). Eventually CATS stopped playing in Toronto and I never got to see it.

Fast forward to the future! So I mentioned this to my Aunt, that I have never seen CATS, and she arranges a girls-day with my sister and my Nana. Seriously, you have no idea how excited I was - I refused to spoil the show by reading the Wiki article on it or YouTubing any songs. So what did I think of it? Um, here is something nobody tells you:

CATS is FUCKING CONFUSING.

Don't get me wrong, it's amazing and the songs are so good and 80s and synth-y, and the sets are really cool, and all the actors had phenomenal voices. But there is like, no plot, at all. I am going to try really hard to explain the plot of CATS to you:

PLOT SUMMARY
So the show opens and there are a shitload of cats on the stage in a junkyard (?) and it's nighttime. Apparently there is going to be some annual cat-party thing where a wizard cat (?) or like, an old cat is going to pick one cat to be the Prom King. They sing a lot about this party. I think it's like the cat Oscars or something. Anyways, they spend the next hour introducing all the cats. All the songs are like this:

"This is Skimbleshanks and he is orange and he rides the train and he is a super guy!"

or

"This is Bustopher Jones and he is fat and he likes food and he is a super guy!"

After about 9 or 10 introductions, the old lady scraggle cat sings Memory and then we get to intermission. This is the part where I wait in line 15 minutes to use the bathroom. After intermission, the cats sing more songs about introductions and at one point in time I am pretty sure I witness cats having sex. With 10 minutes left in the show, a cat dies/goes back to her home planet (?) and the play ends.

Are you confused? So am I. Here are the questions I have for Andrew Lloyd Webber:

1. Do the cats live on Earth or in Outer Space?
No seriously, I still have no idea whether or not they are on Earth or some weird cat-planet. In the beginning it looks like a spaceship comes down from the sky, but it could also be a lit cloud that represents heaven...or something...? I have no idea.

2. What time in history are we?
I wanted to believe the show was set in the 80s, but then they kept talking about Queen Victoria, so....yeah. Because I don't know much about the Victorian age, but I am almost positive they didn't have trippy synth at the turn of the century.

3. Are the cats strays or just house cats that come out at night?
I felt like they were all cats with homes and families, because one of the cats (Rum Tum Tugger) talks about how he is always being let in and let out and how he frustrates people cause he can't make up his mind. Then again, all these cats seem to know each other pretty well which makes me think they're all BFFs who don't have homes.

4. The cats in CATS are all super-high-energy and managed to gymnastics their asses around that stage for 2 hours. Cats in real life are not nearly this active. I suggest you rename the show BORDER COLLIES.

5. What was with all the made-up words?
I got really confused and would have loved a glossary at the beginning of the Playbill.

6. Seriously, did that cat die at the end or go back to her home planet?!?!?

CHARACTERS IN CATS:
Rum Tum Tugger
Okay, from what I gather, Rum Tum Tugger loves to have sex. He also has a wallet chain attached to his pants, which makes little sense to me because why would a cat need a wallet? Also Rum Tum Tugger's owner should strongly consider neutering their cat as he is like the Charlie Sheen of the cat world.

Skimbleshanks
This cat likes to ride on trains and is sort of the rail yard mascot. Just like Tama!! Adorable!!

Mungojerrie and Rumpelteazer
They steal stuff? They're like shoplifting teenagers or something.

Macavity
He might be the Devil, but I would assume that in a play about cats the Devil would be a dog or a Vet or something.

Old Deuteronomy
He is like Mr. Burns.

Mr. Mistoffelees
This cat is magic or a magician or Criss Angel. I'm not sure which, although he does wear a jacket with tons of rhinestones on it, so I think he may be Ed Hardy.

Grizabella
Okay, so this is the cat that dies at the end. She is really old and grizzly (oooh, hence the name!) Throughout the play the other cats don't really like her (there isn't a backstory given, so maybe she was a bitch to them or something. Or maybe the cats are just assholes) and then at the end they love her...right before she dies. Just like in real life!

So yeah, that's CATS in a nutshell. Speaking of nuts, my seat was close enough to the stage that I could see all the cat nuts up close in person. Thanks, Spandex, for making me lose my lunch!

This is some Harmony Korine shit!

skipraid@gmail.com (The Mayor) — Fri, 21 May 2010 16:12:00 +0000

As I've mentioned before, my house is right on the water and once summer rears its hot, sweaty face I'm usually out on the beach every day after work, all day on the weekends, etc. I'd like to say I'm doing hood-rat stuff like smoking Js under the pier or hooking up with hottiez in the sand (that last one just made me feel itchy), but usually I'm reading. Yep. I sit on the beach and read, and when the mood strikes me I'll settle into my Mexican poncho-blanket for a nappy-nap.

So last night I was walking along the beach with a rocket popsicle when I came upon two lovlies freaking the shit out of squares:

Are you seeing what I'm seeing? Let's zoom in a little (WARNING: Not safe for people who feel embarrassed for other people or people who get that weird pit in their stomachs after watching David Lynch stuff)

Okay, so here is what was going on: the photographer was mid-20s (maaaybe mid-30s?) although the picture makes him look a lot older, I promise he was way too young to be wearing a speedo. He had tons of camera equipment on the bench across from the beach, and he had light meters and shit tucked into the back of his speedo. The woman sitting on the concrete block was definitely in her 80s, and was posing for a portrait. Okay, so here are my questions...

1. Why was the photographer wearing nothing but a speedo? It wasn't that hot out yesterday (as you can see by Memaw's sweater/slacks combo).

2. Why didn't he find a more romantic or pretty spot to take a picture than on that ugly ass cinderblock?

3. Why did he stuff his light meter down his crack?

4. Why did the memaw not take off her hat?

5. Why was he shooting directly into the sun? (Note: the sun was setting and he was pointing his camera to the west).

So many unanswered questions. All in all, it looked pretty heartbreaking. Decrepit old woman posing for pictures while some Greek boner is thrust in her direction. I really wished I had known the back story here, but I guess I will be left to my own devises and guess what the hell was up with those two.

Guesstimate 1: He is currently enrolled in a photography class and needed to do a project on the elderly. He called up his Nonna (Oma? Granny?) and asked if she would sit for a photo shoot down by the beach. She doesn't really want to do it (which would explain why she wasn't dressed up) but gives him a hug and tells him she hopes he gets an A+
...however, this doesn't explain the speedo. I would assume his Grandmother would tell him to "put some clothes on" so I think this one isn't going to work.

Guesstimate 2: The old woman, with one foot in death's doorway, decides to cross "have sex with nubile young Greek artist-type" off her bucket list and enlists the help of Craigslist to make her dream come true. Part of her fantasy involves sitting for a portrait session, so he rounds up as much professional-looking equipment he can find in the trash and pretends to take pictures of her before they make sweet sweet love in her senior's condo on top of a plastic-covered couch.
...nope, Grandmas don't know how to use the internet, let alone know what Craigslist is, so this one is out too.

Guesstimate 3: The man in the speedo works at a retirement home and has fallen inexplicably in love with one of the women on the 3rd floor, Mrs. Iris Finklestein. He has asked her to join him on the beach while he takes a few pictures of waves. In the throws of dementia, she obliges, but only because she thinks he's President Taft. They go to the beach and he strips down to his underwear in the hopes she finds him arousing. She doesn't.
...not much about this scenario makes any sense at all, so I'm going to say this is the most unlikely of the options.

Guesstimate 4: He's kidnapped her.
...but why would he need to kidnap an old woman? And why isn't he in some kind of weird underground bunker or shitty apartment with tinfoil on the walls? Moving on.

Guesstimate 5: The guy is actually a photographer and has spent the whole day at the beach taking shitty pictures of sailboats and seagulls. He was aggressively convincing himself that it was much warmer during the day than it actually was by wearing nothing but a bathing suit. An old woman, out for an evening walk, approaches him to make conversation (because she is so lonely and hasn't talked to anyone in a week). He tells her about the seagulls he shot. She then asks him if she could pose for him, to which he agrees, because he is sick of shooting seagulls (and also because she reminds him of his Grandmother who is still back in Greece). He tells her to get comfortable and she tells him that she thinks sitting on the concrete block will make her look glamorous, like Veronica Lake or Lana Turner. She turns her head to the side and lets him snap a few shots. He then tells her he's out of film (he's using a digital camera, but she doesn't know this) and asks "would you like me to mail you a few pictures?" She assures him that that's not necessary and that she hopes that she meets him on the beach again soon, and maybe he'll have the pictures on him then? They part ways, she walks back to her apartment and lies down on her bed, where she breathes her last breath of air before dying. Her son finds her the next morning in bed, unresponsive, a smile on her face, with a bookmarked passage beside her:
"Is there any nicer thing to me, to make a friend down by the sea"
...holy crap, that's fucking BLEAK. I really can't believe I just wrote that. I need to see Macgruber immediately before I start cutting myself. PS - I just made myself cry (and all I did was just re-tell the story of the old woman from Titanic).

Guesstimate 6: They're both bat-shit insane.
...Bingo! This is probably the likeliest of scenarios.

Guesstimate 7: Gerry Jablonski's mother is turning 90 and his wife has been on his case for a week now about getting some nice pictures taken of her so they can put a birthday announcement in the paper. Gerry is cheap as hell and hires his buddies brother-in-law who is desperate to break into the world of wedding photography but needs to build up his portfolio. After chatting with him on the phone (he seems like a decent enough guy) the photographer agrees to pick her up at her condo and drive her around to a few nice spots and take some shots. He chooses some really unnatural places, like a carnival, the beach, and in a bathtub (something he saw on MySpace that he thought might look cool). She's almost 90, so she totally forgot he was coming and didn't have time to "put on her face" or go to the cleaners to get her suit pressed, so she wears what she wore to the grocery and bank that afternoon. As it turns out, the photographer is a recently paroled sex offender (explains the bathing suit and partial boner), not to mention a terrible photographer. The elderly woman returns home and yells at her son over the phone that she specifically said she didn't want a "foreigner photographer". She made no mention of the repeated back massages he attempted to give her, because she secretly liked it (but turned him down every time because she likes playing hard-to-get).
...I give this one even-odds. It sounds like something from Modern Family, and I like that.

Hey, remember me? It's The Mayor!

skipraid@gmail.com (The Mayor) — Thu, 20 May 2010 15:15:00 +0000

Hi everybody! (Hi Dr. Nick) It has definitely been a while since I rapped at you last (2 weeks! That's like 2 years in the blogosphere). Anyways, the reason for my absence was a lot of things. I was on vacation, I didn't have wifi, I came home with a burn, I didn't want to write about the burn, getting back into work was tough (try going from running an office one minute to doing jack shit the next then going right back in to running an office. It's not easy. Especially with a peeling sunburn). Anyways, I have time now so I'm going to cover a few things for you now!

1. While I was in Florida, I didn't do much; I swam a lot and tanned a lot and slept. It was just what I wanted my vacation to be. I went shopping a bit, but for the most part I just relaxed and ate cookies and looked for shells. With that being said, I have a lot less Skip-raid material to work with than last year, but don't get it twisted: I still have some good Skip-raid material to work with. Sometime this weekend I'll be doing a post (with pictures!) on the subject you all seem to like the best: AMERICAN FOOD. You know it! While I was in the US of Weight (TURBOPUN) I took a lot of pictures of American food, snacks, drinks, gums, candy, etc etc etc. All of it deliciously gross and over the top.

Panda-wich? More like Panda-monium! Could they not have panda-monium? So yeah, expect that soon-ish.

2. I have been in a glass case of emotions since I found out that NBC has put Parks and Recreation on hiatus when they return to new episodes in the fall. You all have no idea how this has affected me. I hate knowing that tonight will be the last new episode I see for a while. Goodnight Leslie Knope. Goodnight Ron Swanson/Duke Silver. Goodnight Tom and your buggy eyes. Please don't leave me with nothing more than this poster of the Pawnee Parks Department's Most Wanted Pests List:

3. ANTM. Where do I start....hmmm...

Look, we all knew from Week 3 that it was going to be Krista, right? I was at least hoping for a Krista/Angelea Street Fighter-style showdown, but Tyra and ALT robbed me of such a thing, so we were left with Krista and Raina. I know. In other news, how much does Krista look like a 1930s tramp in that picture above? I know, right?

"Just one more state, just one more. I know I kaint be ridin' these rails much longer! There's gotta be work in Missurrah, I just know it! The old grey mare...she ain't what she used to be!"

Anyways, Krista won (yay!) and I predict she *might* get work, but it's a serious longshot. I mean, she kept talking about how she was giving dark-skinned girls a chance to follow they're dreams and to know that one day dark-skinned girls will get just as much work as light-skinned women of colour. I know, cry me a "I don't care what I have to do: bite, scratch, kick, beat chu down and ya momma too" river, right?

Teyona's shanking Krista some serious cut-eye for life with that one. So yeah, those are my thoughts. I ended up missing a couple of ANTM episodes, then all of a sudden, they did one of those 4-models-down-to-1 episodes where they cut 3 girls and crown one the K-Mart Special in 60 minutes. There you have it! We have 14 top models now, which means the US unemployment rate just skyrocketed a little. Tear...GOD BLESS AMERICA!!!

Florida!...so far

skipraid@gmail.com (The Mayor) — Wed, 05 May 2010 14:50:00 +0000

Hey everyone! Okay, so here is what is going on. I have no wifi at my hotel and wthe only way I can get wifi is at this weird convenience store with couches and FOX News playing on a giant flat-screen. So...all the Florida goodness will be coming to you next Monday May 10th. Right now I'm going to keep enjoying my vacation, drinking buttloads of margaritas, and getting lousy with skin cancer. So for now, please help yourself to the post I wrote while waiting at the airport. Enjoy!

Tennessee Mountain Home

Hey everyone, welcome to Florida Week! This is bigger than Christmas to me, f’rollz. Last year I spent a week in the states and blogged it all for you (see Florida Week, Original Recipe) and this year I am ultra-fortunate to spend another week in the classiest, most elegant state in the union (sorry Alabama. Get a few more gift shops featuring Jesus in a neon clamshell and we’ll talk).

Anyways, here is what has happened so far into my trip:
1) My flight was scheduled to leave at 6:40am. When preparing to board a plane outbound to another country you are advised to arrive at the airport at least 2 hours ahead of time. This means I was at the airport at 4:40am. This means I had to leave my house at 4:00am. This also means I had to wake my ass up at 3:00am (”I’m doing the drywall down at the new McDonalds”). UNCOOL FOR LIFE. There are several things I do-not-do, and waking up at 3am is very high on that list, along with “hold in farts when sharing a bed with a loved one” and “choosing dignity over value-for-money at KFC”.
2) If you don’t know anything about Toronto, here is the WikiTravel version: it’s very cultural, the largest city in Canada, one of the largest in North America (that’s right – we’re bigger than Chicago, assholes), decent government, good fashion, and only about 6 months behind New York City as far as coolness. I had to change planes in Memphis on my way to Florida, and let me give you the Geocities version: LOW RENT. Memphis TN is like fucking Hot Tub Time Machine: a good 10 years behind everyone else in North America. In 10 minutes I counted 5 pairs of Adidas tearaway pants. Do you remember those? I do, and I remembered they were stupid looking way back when I was 14 too. A guy wearing a Duke University visor just winked at me. Everyone is wearing Oakleys. Starbucks is a ghost town. It’s really weird.
3) There was a tornado warning in Memphis! Also it rained a foot! Crazy! Now, outside of a plane this is an enjoyable thunderstorm; cuddle up inside with some hot chocolate. But when you’re sitting in a tiny 50-seater plane and its chugging around the tarmac and you keep getting told that “we’ll lift off once the tornado warning falls from RED to ORANGE”, then you start thinking some Final Destination shit.
4) I barfed on the plane :( EMBARRASSING. The turbulence was so bad I felt like I was on a rollercoaster, and nothing I did could get my mind off it. Here’s something fun to think about: airplane bathrooms are barely large enough to pee in, not at all easy to barf in, so please tell me how one would have sex in it? Really, I’d like to know who the hell is having marital relations in that horrible, horrible tiny Tinkerbell toilet. When I got sick I got it everywhere: my shoes, my jeans, the bowl, the floor, the sink (I know, how the hell?!?) and I was aiming so furiously.

It's that time again!!!!

skipraid@gmail.com (The Mayor) — Fri, 30 Apr 2010 20:15:00 +0000

Oh Flo Rida - someone should have used some of their money to buy the time of a financial planner (a wise investment if there ever was one, says I). Anyways, back to what Flo Rida was saying...I'm going back to Florida and I'm taking all of you with me! Check back on Monday for a new post about Florida, Americans, sand, hotness, shorts, smelly feet, pale skin, Bud Light Lime, malls, Cracker Barrels, airplanes, in-flight snacks, and FUN FUN FUN!!! Also sand crabs :(

See you on Monday from a totally new country!!!

My gift to you!

skipraid@gmail.com (The Mayor) — Tue, 27 Apr 2010 20:06:00 +0000

That's right friends! In my spare time I like to make paper toys, and finally have finished one of my own. When I first started making one I wanted it to be simple and cute. Looks like I succeeded, because this little squirrel is ADORABLE. Anyways, it's super simple to put it together. Here's how:

1) Click on the image above to enlarge it.

2) Print it out. It's already formatted for a sheet of 8.5 x 11 piece of paper, so just make sure that it's at 100% and everything.

3) Use cardstock. If you don't have cardstock, you can use normal paper but it wont be as strong.

4) Print it out!

5) Using sharp scissors (ask a grown up to help you with this part!) cut out the squirrel's body, tail, and ears. Don't cut where there is a dash-line - that's where you need to fold!

6) The pieces that are mirror-images of each other (ears and tail) need to be glued together.

7) On the squirrel, make sure that the lines on the head and bum are cut though - that's where the tail and ears go.

8) Fold all the sides of the squirrel. This will make it much easier when you glue the sides.

9) Using a glue stick, glue the white folds inside the squirrel's body. Hold them in place till they dry (about 30 seconds).

10) Stick the ears into the ear-slots and the tail into the tail-slot and VOILA! You have a very happy squirrel to sit on your desk! Enjoy!

America's Next Top Model, Cycle 14: stanky-stanky glue edition

skipraid@gmail.com (The Mayor) — Thu, 22 Apr 2010 15:21:00 +0000

Could this picture represent Cycle 14 anymore? I feel like they could bottle the energy from this seasons ANTM and sell it to college kids looking to score some downers.

Krista
Know what's crazy? When this shot came on I was STUNNED that this is the one they chose. During her shoot, don't you think she provided much more Grace Jones'edness? This kind of left me feeling empty, sort of like when you open your stocking on Christmas and don't find a clementine. I mean, it's still filled with awesome stuff, but the absence of a clementine is a bit of a let-down. In other news, I'm *almost* sure Krista is going to win this, just like she has already won my heart with when she uttered the phrase:

"I don't care what I have to do: bite, scratch, kick, beat chu down and ya momma too"

Oh Krista, you are a GEM!

Angelea
Coming in second for my favourite model (and most likely to have the HUGEST meltdown when they are eliminated) is Angelea! Ooooowee, are you looking at this shot?!? Right now I'm reading a book about Crips in the California prison system in the 80s called Inside the Crips by Colton Simpson (Read it, it's CRAZY) and Angelea totally seems like a gangbanger's girlfriend. I know she went to a RedBook College, bitch! Don't mean she can't make a shank out of melted plastic cups and cut yo ass.

Raina
She has that quality about her that screams "I'M BORING, DON'T GET INVOLVED IN A CONVERSATION WITH ME! IT WILL ONLY FRUSTRATE YOU."

Jessica
Jessica is such a classic Mean Girl. She acts super nice and friendly and all "Oh my god, I love your skirt! Where did you get it?" and then two seconds later she's cut-eyeing and deadpanning "that is the ugliest effing skirt I have ever seen".

Alasia
Bokay, Alasia...how do I feel about Alasia? I feel like I don't really like Alasia, but I really like this shot. Dare I say it: I think she should have been ranked higher. I definitely think this shot is better than Rania's, and I *almost* like it more than Angelea's (AND YOU KNOW ANGELEA IS MAH BOO). So while I know that Alasia's days are numbered, I also have faith that she will have a career ahead of her when she grows up a little. Also her hair looks like Hetty King.

Alexandra
Okay, were the rest of you totally shocked that Alexandra didn't go home?!? I don't like Anslee AT ALL, but I think she was robbed last week. Anslee was far better than Alexandra; did you see Alexandra trying to model?!?! Holy crap, that was depressing. Add to that I have no idea whether or not Alexandra is supposed to be plus-sized or not. As someone who has the measurements of a standard American plus-sized model, I can tell you - she is NOT plus-sized. She's just a fat model.
All hate mail can be sent to skipraid@gmail.com

Anslee
As said before, despite smelling like dookie, Anslee's shot isn't nearly the turd-in-the-punchbowl that Alexandra's was. You know, elimination this week was such a toss-up for me. Here were the pros and cons of each:

ALEXANDRA
Pros: her face is decent, has good hair
Cons: lawdy where do I start, terrible body, constant rigor mortis poses, no creativity, no drive, zero personality, bland bland bland, no chance of winning Cycle 14

ANSLEE
Pros: really good bone structure (including that crazy jaw), good eyes, has the drive
Cons: is a mom (NO MORE EFFING MOMMY-MODELS!!), complains too much, always giving the cut-eye, talks about how she wants to be a model to give a better life for her family

WINNER: yeah, Alexandra is less annoying. If Anslee wants to 'give her family a better life' (her words, not mine) she should take some night courses with Everest College and become a medical lab tech or a business administrator or the manager of a Business Depot or something. Seriously, I hate people that are like "If I just keep living my dream, and working hard, and playing all the clubs and bars I can in the tri-state area, I WILL be a rock star and make a better life for my family". Um no, if it hasn't happened yet, it won't (sowwy) so you should a) grow up and b) take responsibility and get a job that will pay your rent. I think letting Anslee go was a good idea; it's high time she realized that modeling isn't in the stars for her and the best way she can provide a decent life for her family is if she's with them (not hanging around Tyra's cameltoes). Speaking of Tyra...

When she mentioned they're going to New Zealand, did you not IMMEDIATELY think of Flight of the Conchords? I did. Maybe I need to read more books. Wait, scratch that - cause ANTM is just as tunnel-visioned. Their first photoshoot in NZ will be with sheep, and the episode after that will be a Lord of the Rings themed shoot. So yeah, stereotypes; yr doing it right. Anyways, if they DON'T do a FOTC-themed shoot, they are missing a serious opportunity. Bret and Jemaine aren't doing anything right now anyways (I'll tell you what they SHOULD be doing: a sequel to Eagle vs. Shark, but I digress).

Anyways, next week they're off to New Zealand! Krista and Angelea get to ride first class (LUCKY!) and they do a shoot with sheep on a hill. I'm going to just throw this out there: Alexandra is going home. And if she doesn't, then it's very clear she has made a pact with Satan and we should await the upcoming apocalypse. See you next week!

Listomania!!

skipraid@gmail.com (The Mayor) — Wed, 21 Apr 2010 16:33:00 +0000

50 THINGS I LOVE
1. Elementary school lice checks
2. When a strange dog lets you pet it
3. Falling asleep after a warm mug of NeoCitran
4. When a baby laughs at you
5. When you gather all your hair and feel the ends after a fresh hair cut
6. Toy Fare magazine
7. Cookie dough before you add all the dry ingredients
8. Cold beer in a hot tub
9. Reading in the bathtub
10. Lime popsicles
11. Sitting on the beach before it gets too hot
12. Kraft Dinner
13. Having a nap at 4pm on a Saturday
14. Piping icing on cake
15. Black eyeliner
16. Snuggling up in a duvet, but poking your feet out
17. Watching the 4th hour of The Today Show with Hoda Kotb and Kathie-Lee Gifford
18. When you show a crazy religious zealot indifference (it drives them crazy when they can't argue)
19. The Beach Boys 'Pet Sounds'
20. When people use their/there/they're correctly
21. When people remember esoteric cartoons and television shows from 20 years ago
22. The sound of cracking open a cold Diet Coke
23. Presenting someone a birthday cake with lit candles and the lights off
24. When a baby falls asleep on you
25. Offering an elderly man your seat on the streetcar and he declines because it would be impolite to take the seat of a lady
26. New earrings
27. Picking my face
28. Long-running jokes
29. When a friend farts in front of you for the first time and it's 1/2 awkward 1/2 hilarious
30. Trying a new cereal
31. When little kids explain complicated stories
32. Low-brow humor
33. Making paper toys
34. Riding your bike in the dark
35. Very aggressive thunder storms
36. Seasons 3-10 of The Simpsons
37. Giving someone a friendship gift (when you find two of something and you keep one/give the other away)
38. Staying overnight in a hotel
39. Before and After pictures (especially plastic surgery ones)
40. RuPaul
41. Sitting on a roof
42. Costco samples
43. When a cashier rings up your purchase and they forget to charge you for something
44. Curling irons
45. Fireworks
46. Waving to my sister at work when I walk to the bank
47. Miniatures
48. Bad teeth
49. Yellow roses
50. Friendly squirrels

50 THINGS I HATE
1. Girls who wear stilettos/high heels to amusement parks
2. People who hate their relationship, are ultra unhappy, argue constantly, are emotionally abused, but won't break up because they've "invested too much time in it".
3. Farmville. Also see: people who play Farmville.
4. Moms on the streetcar who completely ignore their screaming child (US Weekly, texting, staring blankly out the window) until the minute you make an innocent comment like "sounds like someone needs a nap!" then they get all Rock of Love Bus on your ass, screaming "don't tell me how to raise my child! mind you own business, bitch! was he talking to you? come over here and say that to my face! my baby ain't done nothing wrong! Dyson can scream all he want, he don't need none of your stank!"
5. People with painfully boring names spelled in incredibly contrived ways: Ashleeigh, Kayeleigh, Maddysonn, Jessykah, Brayndonn
6. When cupcakes are treated like puppies ("Ooooooh! So cute!!! Nom nom nom!! I wish it had more glitter :/)
7. Long-haired cats that don't get brushed and their fur gets matted
8. People who's homes reek of litterbox. You do realize you have an animal defecating in the same environment you prepare food, right?
9. Racism, sexism, classism, homophobia: what's the point? Life is too short to get hung up on lame differences. Also it makes you look like trash.
10. People who say "In Canada we speak ENGLISH! If you can't speak English, get out of the country!" These are usually the same people who couldn't pronounce 'Immigration' properly if they had access to a "My First Speak and Spell" (also see: White Trash)
11. Comparing Diet Coke to cigarettes. NOT THE SAME. Please tell me just which cancer I will get from drinking Diet Coke and how long it will take. I'm happy to wait, really.
12. The Secret
13. The suffix "-ista"
14. Women who talk about their wedding being the best day of their lives. WTF? Your wedding was the best day of your life? How fucking boring is your life?
15. People who's fb profile picture is of their wedding...that happened more than 3 years ago
16. The phrase "I don't *get* 30 Rock". Look, I know you're still pissed that Everybody Loves Jim Belushi got canceled, but stop taking it out on people with decent taste in television
17. Transition lenses
18. People who use the term 'cheers' when they should be using 'thanks'
19. People who describe themselves as 'hipsters'
20. Girls who talk about feminism like they invented it, yet date the biggest douchebags
21. People embarrassed to go to dinner/a movie/vacation on their own. Own it! What are you afraid of? Being alone can be really great.
22. Cilantro
23. When people let their dogs crawl all over you and excuse it by saying "they are SO FRIENDLY!!" No, they're not friendly - they just have no boundaries
24. People who deny racism by saying "I have a black/asian/white/whatever friend". No, you don't - you have a brown guy at your work/a black neighbor/a white doctor/an asian relative-through-marriage. Just because you have had contact with someone of another race than yours doesn't excuse your backward comment
25. People who give me the 'bitch is racist' eye when I tell them I don't like Chinese food. I said Chinese food, not Chinese people. I'm sure there's tons of Chinese people who look at poutine and bear claws and think BARF
26. The phrase "I don't wear skirts"
27. Yelling at the elderly. It's heartbreaking
28. People who baby-talk words. Saying 'appies' instead of appetizers, 'peeps' instead of people, 'flippies' instead of flip-flops.
29. The banality of the Sex and the City lifestyle. EW
30. People who eat food in the grocery store while they shop. I don't know what's worse: that you're THAT hungry or that you're THAT bored
31. Joggers that refuse to take Christmas Day off
32. Anyone who pays $13 to see Epic Movie/Date Movie/Meet the Spartans/Disaster Movie in the theatres
33. When someone acts like they have discovered a blog about 6 months too late "Oh my god, I just found this HILARIOUS website called Stuff White People Like"
34. Artists who act like they are doing groundbreaking work by spending $20,000 of Canadian Arts Council grant money by placing a lone desk in an empty room. You are bullshitting yourself if you think you're contributing to culture.
35. Being embarrassed by a TV show/band/movie and referring to it as a "guilty pleasure". I'm don't feel guilty about LOVING cbc's Dragon's Den, you shouldn't feel guilty about loving How It's Made.
36. Talking about how your eyes change color. No shit, everyone's do.
37. That 905-er date-rapist uniform of a striped button-down shirt, distressed jeans (excuse me, "denim") and black leather pointy dress shoes. This is how wardrobe will dress the extras in 2030's version of Hot Tub Time Machine
38. When people act like I'm some mennonite, backwards polygamist's wife when I tell them I don't download TV shoes. Sowwy! I like to watch them on TV. Stop acting like I'm resisting technology, I just like to sit down on the couch and watch TV shows one episode per week.
39. Needing to have the most current version of a phone. No, my phone doesn't have 3G or browsing or mp3s or shit - I use it for talking and texting. Again, stop acting like I'm resisting technology. I just don't care.
40. Locavores. Guess what? Unless you live in a home that is 100% solar powered, your dumps power your internet, you make all your own clothing from weaving recycled fibres, being a member of the local food movement doesn't mean shit.
41. Hating the TTC. If you hate it so much, don't take it. Ride a bike, learn to walk, get your driver's license.
42. When small-towners make a big deal out of saying "Merry Christmas" instead of "Happy Holidays". If you live in a small-ass town 8 hours north of Toronto, I bet that your contact with Muslims, Buddhists, Jews, and Atheists is pretty slim, so you're really not rocking anyone's world by screaming Merry Christmas in their face. But when you come to a city where you're surrounded by a million different cultures, try not to prove "who's holiday it really is!" to everyone you see, okay? You look crazy.
43. When good people die too early
44. When horrible people live till they're 101
45. When teenage girls get pregnant and feel like abortion is this barbaric, soul-stealing option. Know what *might* be worse? Being a 15-year-old mother who has no interest in raising a child.
46. Acrylic tips on toenails
47. A million dirty silver piercings all up the side of one ear. 1996 called, they want you to stop being gross and maybe just knock it down from 9 to 2.
48. People who try to fudge a reason for their shitty tattoo. Did your dad die from AIDS? Instead of getting a convoluted neck piece involving a butterfly, a pocketwatch, and lotus flowers "in his memory", why not donate that $300 to AIDS research; trust, he'd want it that way.
49. When people won't reveal their middle name and are all like "OMG it's soooooo embarrassing!!" and then you find out it's something like Emily or Bradley.
50. Clip-in hair extensions

An Open Letter to Lay's

skipraid@gmail.com (The Mayor) — Tue, 20 Apr 2010 14:20:00 +0000

To whom it may concern

I have been a long time customer and thoroughly enjoy your product line. While I haven't eaten Doritos since you stopped making the delicious Tandoori Sizzler variety, I still consider them to be an excellent example of fine snack making. But the reason I am writing is to suggest a new chip flavour, one that has been bizarrely absent from your extensive catalogue of chip flavours.

Mustard.

Please don't turn your nose up at the suggestion. I have been dipping plain Lay's in yellow mustard for years, just like one would do with pretzels, and it is delicious. I first decided to dip chips in mustard after realizing that it is the only condiment I put on hot dogs or hamburgers (ketchup is too sweet for me and relish is just gross. I'm a fan of dill pickle and not so much of sweet pickles). Mustard is tangy and spicy and tart and the flavour! Can you think of something better? Wait - don't do it, you'll ruin my theory. Anyways, sour tangy flavours and crispy chips are a proven success: Dill Pickle chips are very big with the kids, and Salt and Vinegar are a staple at birthday parties and movie nights. Even All Dressed, which can easily divide a group into lovers and haters, is a big seller. No one even knows the base flavours for All Dressed. Go ahead, try to name it; oh, there's images of foodstuffs on the bag, but have you ever given All Dressed to a blind person and asked them to name the flavour without using the term 'salad dressing'?

*Note: With a little research I have discovered that All Dressed chips are a Canadian thing, just like Dill Pickle and Ketchup. Seriously, can you imagine a world without Ketchup or All Dressed chips? If any of my American readers would like to try All Dressed chips, please email skipraid@gmail.com and I would be happy to mail you a bag. They are delicious and you would not regret it.

So I must ask - why hasn't there been mustard-flavoured chip yet? You have done everything - EVERYTHING - and yet you've missed a very lucrative snacking opportunity in a yellow-mustard-flavoured chip. I don't see why you wouldn't make a mustard chip; you are very well-versed in the world of chip-flavoured fails. Need I mention Roasted Chicken? And don't get me started on the disgusting Pizza flavour (I have no idea how you equate parmesan-barf with pizza flavour, but I guess that's why I'm not in the chip business). Also you have made literally zillions of cheese-flavours; how many do we need? How many people have written you begging you for another 4-cheese blend? May I assume 'none'?

As well, mustard chips will do well in all markets. Please note the following:

SPORTS
Mustard chips aren't for pussies. You're not a pussy are you? CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! U-S-A! U-S-A!

DRUNKS
Mustard reminds people of pretzels, which reminds people of bars, which reminds people of beer, which reminds people of getting wasted, which reminds people that 'holy shit, I better eat something before all this booze gives me alcohol poisoning'.

TEENS
This ain't your mama's potato chip! Mustard is X-TREME! Mustard is sour and tangy and your taste buds will EJACULATE WITH EXCITEMENT!!! Wait, can you say 'ejaculate' on TV?

KIDS
You can't spell Mustard without the word 'tard' and calling people a tard is funny! Poop! Toots! Booger!

PEOPLE WHO LIKE TO CASUALLY GROSS OTHERS OUT
We all know that person - they go to a Chinese food restaurant and order the grossest thing on the menu (like chicken faces or squirrel tails or something) and they act so worldly while they choke it down. Well this could be the chip for them! Not content with eating Spicy Curry or Wasabi or Poutine chips, they could grab a bag of Mustard and act like everyone else is the dummy for not wanting to ingest the overwhelmingly strong flavour of yellow mustard.

DOGS
Dogs will eat anything!

OLD PEOPLE
The tangy, strong taste of Mustard Chips will be cathartic for their weakened taste buds.

FATTIES
Oh man, fatties will eat anything

BLOGGERS
Oh man, bloggers will try anything

HIPSTERS
They'll eat them as long as no one else is. The minute someone in a suit or a pair of Crocs is seen eating them, they they will be lost.

I really can't see anyone not liking Yellow Mustard chips; I mean, mustard and pretzels has been a pretty solid couple for the past...I don't know...hundreds of years? Why not chips? And besides - what new flavours are you putting before the production of mustard chips? There are only so many ways you can do cheese and BBQ. And another thing. STOP TRYING TO MAKE LIME CHIPS HAPPEN. It's not going to happen. They taste stupid, so knock it off.

Just focus on Mustard right now. I promise it will be a best seller. Also can you mail me some samples? Me love chips long time.

Sincerely,
The Mayor

America's Next Top Tourette's Syndrome Shout-a-thon

skipraid@gmail.com (The Mayor) — Thu, 15 Apr 2010 19:33:00 +0000

Ugh, I feel you girl. I had my mitts over my urs during the whole episode too! Okay, so last night I watched my first episode ever of Cycle 14. I DO NOT count the first episode where we meet 24, then watch them get cut down to 16 then cut down to 12 or whatever. I just don't have the patience for that nonsense and it's all such a shuffle that not one girl leaves an impression. So. Many of you wrote in to me asking why I wasn't covering Cycle 14; several of those letters were rich with pleas that I return to watching the show and writing posts dedicated to Tyra et al. And here we are! I made time last night to get familiar with the ladies of ANTM:C14, and let me tell you - BIG DISAPPOINTMENT. Um, what the hell happened to this show? Language that was once catty is now straight-up verbal abuse. Models that were once unique or goofy are now tragically bland and pedestrian. I really feel like this Cycle should have been called ANTM: Stories from the Mall. Also, is it just me, or do they all take themselves WAY too seriously? It appears that no one has told them yet that they don't have a future past the show (just ask Jael or that fat girl with all the scars...what was her name...you know, she was kind of black? Had a weave? Not ringing a bell, eh? Meh, don't lose any sleep over it). So maybe it's because I'm a little older or a little more mature (UNLIKELY) but I just couldn't handle all these retarded girls yelling nonesensical jibberish at each other. Tracie from Jezebel made an excellent point (which I will be quoting FOR-EV-R):

I've never really understood why these girls—and reality show participants—have such a boner for "realness," which essentially comes down to saying mean things to people's faces, instead of in the much more comfortable setting behind their backs.

Um, exactly? Every conversation is the same:

Dumb Bitch 1: You act like you have all this confidence, but we all know you don't know shit!
Dumb Bitch 2: Whatever, I don't deal with uneducated people.
Dumb Bitch 1: Did you just say I was uneducated?
Dumb Bitch 2: I can't hear you, your mouth is ugly.
Dumb Bitch 1: You can't talk about nothing cause you don't know me!

The one sentence that wraps up every idiotic reality show argument is "You don't know me!" What the hell does that even mean, you don't know me? What does it matter if I met you last week or have known you for 10 years, you're still legally retarded. Anyways, it seems like this week's arguments leaned heavily on the Angelea/Brenda dynamic. Speaking of Angelea, homegirl has great taste:

Hells yes, I own that necklace!, plus plus I wear it at least once a week (which means I should probably stop wearing it so much). Anyways, here are my thoughts on all these used pads (aka They're gross! Get it?) and I'm doing them in the Tyra call-out order to keep things on point:

ANGELEA
Okay, this girl is a-ok in my books. I couldn't decide whether or not I loved her (she's from Buffalo NY which I LOVE) or hated her (she's lousy with obnoxious ghetto hand gestures). But she won me over with this quote:

I went to college. I went to a RedBook top 150 schools, bitch, look it up.

Well played Angelea, well played. This put her over the top for me. Anyone who can boast their college was featured in RedBook (which is essentially Ladies Home Journal) with zero irony and 100% real fucking pride gets a big thumbs up for me. Plus, let's look at her picture for a second. It's decent. I wish I had loftier praise for her, but let's just call this shot what it is: not terrible. Especially in a sea of just bizarre shots. Her "character" on the subway was supposed to be a fashionista or fashion editor or something. Essentially she was supposed to pull off chic and....she did, so high fives all around for Angelea (who went to college, bitch!)

KRISTA
I really like Krista's look, and I think it's because of her skin tone. I know that there's this horrible thing in the black community where light skinned blacks are "prettier" than dark skinned blacks, but honestly? I think that women like Alek Wek and Gabourey Sidibe are just gorgeous. Their skin looks like it's lit from within. Anyways, I want to see her go far. She seems sort-of normal so who knows? Maybe she'll be gone in a week (ANTM contestants are like goldfish: you think they're doing well, and in a week they're floating upside down in the bowl, stinking up the kitchen).

RAINA
What in the name of Crazy is going on here? I feel like Raina is giving us the worst Liv Tyler has to offer (aka Jersey Girl). So I say, go back to Jersey, girl! Ahahaha, just kidding! But seriously, see you when you get eliminated :(

ALEXANDRA
Is this girl's schtick that she's got a lazy eye that would make Paris Hilton jealous? I don't know if that's her actual eye or some art director just got carried away with the Adobe, but there is something very off about her face. Heidi Montag is giving this picture the side-eye and thinking "Dayum, bitch went under the knife with Stevie Wonder."

ANSLEE
Not a good model, not a compelling shot, but that outfit, MY GOD, that outfit! Can I haz please? Also, isn't this the bitch with the kid? Ugh, do I really need to launch into my tirade about Moms and Modeling? In the event this is your first time at this rodeo, here is my theory:
If you are a Mother, a Model you cannot be.
Sorry! I know, it's cruel and judgmental and I'm a bitch, but honestly? Modeling is hard work. You are traveling from country to country every week, starving yourself to maintain a very unrealistic body type, immersing yourself in the culture of fashion, surrounding yourself with $400 flip-flops and $900 jeans. Please tell me how raising a small person with two feet on the ground and a brain in their head works into this equation? Exactly, it doesn't. You're a Mom, you missed the Good Ship Modelpop, deal with it.

JESSICA
Ugh, THIS BITCH?!?!?!?! I just cannot believe this girl got through as far as she has! Okay, I shouldn't completely discredit her; she does have a good personality, an inner positivity, and the strength and drive to become a model. HOWEVER. Does her face not look so JC Penney? I feel like she should be modeling Clean and Clear, not Chanel. Also, what in god's name is up with her "character"? I know she was supposed to be like, 'some girl going to the club' or something, but where I'm from, her look is straight-up $10 blowjobs. That's right, I called her a hooker. I'm baaaaaaack!

ALASIA
I cringed so hard when Tinsley Mortimer asked her about her favourite designer and she said, and I QUOTE:
Louis V. I love Louis V. He's so cute.
History lesson! Louis Vuitton has been dead for 118 years. As well, Alasia said she liked "Loo'wee Vee" because "he is so colorful". Um...we're still talking about the handbags best known for their brown-on-brown patterns, right? People with no working knowledge of fashion LOVE Louis Vuitton (and Gucci, for that matter). It's like they learn about fashion from the knock-offs on Canal Street and Chinatown. I don't anticipate seeing Alasia in the Top 3.

BRENDA
Speaking of finding a turd in the punchbowl (what?) we have Brenda, who's face looks so much like that of a casual meth user, I started to get the shakes (what? times two). Brenda was being so righteously annoying in this episode that I made a promise to myself: if she isn't eliminated this week, I will not, no matter what the circumstances, even if there is only ANTM or hockey playoffs on, will NOT watch next week's episode. Yes, I hated her that much. She was just such a sour piece of crap, you know? No talent, no unique look, no personality. Why the hell was she there in the first place? Did she bribe Tyra with lace-front wigs? Or Andre Leon Talley with the whereabouts of Han Solo (yes, that was a thinly-veiled allusion to ALT's resemblance to Jabba ther Hutt).

Well, I think I will be watching again next week. Now that we're down to the final 7 (and rid of proverbial ass-pimple Brenda) I have a bit more interest. Also, let's hope there's more Nicole!
Boring! Stale! Bland! Soda Cracker-ish! Oh Nicole, please come back - you add a much needed element of pasty-beige to this Sleepy Time Snooze Fest. Alright, I'm out! See you next week!

Can we accept Josh Groban as Cool yet?

skipraid@gmail.com (The Mayor) — Tue, 06 Apr 2010 17:49:00 +0000

Seriously, this guy takes so many balls to the chin and for what - FOR WHAT? For singing the sweet melodies that lull your Memaws to post-Meals On Wheels dreamland? For being discovered by The King of Mom Jams himself David Foster? For singing ear-bleedingly terrible songs like The Prayer or You Raise Me Up? Okay, all good reasons...but I don't think dismissing Josh Groban as 'that guy who sings the shitty music your parents put on during dinner to cut the terrible silence' is entirely fair. And here's why:

1. Josh Groban can laugh at himself
My personal heroes Tim and Eric called on Josh Groban to film a cameo for Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job! wherein he plays himself singing the terrible, shitty songs of Casey for a television commercial. Playing himself. Singing retarded songs. In operatic tenor. 100% in on the joke. Imagine that phone call?
Josh Groban's agent: Hey Josh, it's David. Okay, so I got a call from Adult Swim and they want you to film a skit for the Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job!
Josh Groban: Sure!
Josh Groban's agent: Okay, um...it's just that the skit is you, Josh Groban, doing covers of those terrible Uncle Muscles Hour songs by that retarded kid...and...the joke kind if lies in that it's...you singing them. Josh Groban. Because you're a terrible, hackneyed singer who's main fan base is moronic middle America.
Josh Groban: When do I start?
Josh Groban's agent: Josh, I don't think you understand. The joke here is that it's you. Josh Groban.
Josh Groban: Did I stutter? I SAID WHEN DO I START, ASSHOLE!
Also, please don't lie to me and tell me you didn't get a boner when he was singing Cops and Robbers.

2. Josh Groban makes Twitter a little less obnoxious
Okay, when I say I hate Twitter I mean I HATE Twitter. It's just so pathetic; people answering the questions nobody asked, 40 times a day. But that's been covered a ton (really, does anyone find Twitter something more than just one huge circle-jerk?) But after reading Josh Groban's tweets (EW. I hate using that term) my heart melted a tiny bit. He's actually fairly entertaining and (GASP) not incredibly self-involved.

3. Josh Groban is funny
You have to admit, he's got timing (unlike that bloated ham Clay Aiken). Plus, he's a great go-to in the event you need 'uptight suburban white guy'. As I have heard, Josh Groban and Jimmy Kimmel are friends. Hello! Jimmy Kimmel! That guy barely likes anyone.

And here is a picture Josh Groban posted to his Twitter. Come on, it's not hilarious, but it's not terrible either.

4. Josh Groban is hot.
Yep. He is, deal with it. I mean, he's like a cuter Andy Samberg, right? Handsome Jewwy good-looks, tall-ish, decent teeth. Oh, and did I mention January Jones let him hit it for 3 years. Know who else she let hit it for 3 years? Ashton Kutcher.

Yes, this man is in the same vagina-league as Mr. Demi Moore. Which means that if I let Josh Groban Raise my Prayer (ewwww, what?) he would have to be very, very desperate to agree to it. He's a billionaire, hangs out with Jimmy Kimmel, and fucks hot broads. Also he's nice as shit and extremely humble. I'm sorry, why are people ashamed to say he's cool again? It's not like he's a notorious dickhead who is constantly declining to grant dying kids Make-A-Wishes or parking in the handicapped spots at Starbucks or anything. Hell, I think the worst he does is smoke weed now and then and drink at Grammy after parties.

So yeah, can I please call a moratorium on the Josh Groban haterade? I'm not saying you should start downloading Ave Maria or anything, but let's just appreciate him for who he is: a pretty cool guy who sings like someone your Grandmother would love (well, if your Grandmother isn't already into Michael Buble - some Gamgams are LOCO over him).