The Skip-Raid

I don't know whether to laugh or cry.

noreply@blogger.com (The Mayor) — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 02:54:00 +0000

SPOILER ALERT! My no-heart laughed and laughed...but I also felt bad for the bunny. You can tell he'd rather be in the arms of Alex Forrest than be forced to bash his paws on that piano. By the by: what do you think BB Stands for? I'm going to guess Bobby Brown (imagine?) but it's probably Bitchthisis Bullshit. Will someone check this rabbit's ID? This shit is going to keep me up at night!

Sidebar - shoutouts go out to my BFF who uses her boyfriend's cat Jean-Luc in the same way. She holds him up and makes it look like he's driving a car. Oh animals! Always making sure we're entertained (and well fed).

Happy Monday! Y'all want a Do, Date or Dump?

noreply@blogger.com (The Mayor) — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 02:24:00 +0000

Okay, so it's Monday night and I'm halfway The Big Bang Theory. I recently reacquainted myself with BBT after an extended hiatus (I'm not sure what else I was watching. Maybe some crappy VH1 show? Yeah, I'll go with that). Anyways, I was sitting here thinking of a post for tomorrow and realized "wait a second...this show is full of hotties (UNLIKELY). Why don't I do a Do, Date or Dump about The Big Bang Theory?" So here we are. Let's get nerdy!

Leonard (Johnny Galecki)
Shit, this is hard, because am I DD-or-D'ing their characters or the actors who play them? Because would I Dump Leonard (sorry, but I find him too whiny. And short. I know, I'm shallow) but I would Date Johnny Galecki. HEY - don't act like you didn't have a huge crush on him during his David Healy days (or his Russ Griswold days. You sicko).

Howard (Simon Helberg)
I LOVE Howard, so it's definitely a Do. Plus, I love his charming Jewwyness and those turtlenecks. And it's funny - this is totally a reverse of the Leonard/Johnny Galecki paradigm. I would totally Do Howard, but Dump Simon Helberg. It's like Nerd + Charming + Jew = Adorable! But Charming + Jew = Swarthy (ergo, not adorable).

Rajesh (Kunal Nayyar)
Um. Dump? I think? Ouch, and I hate saying that because I know at least a handful of you out there are shouting RACIST!!!1! But allow me to meet your racism with a tolerance: I would Do, Date, and Run Drugs for both Russell Peters AND Kal Penn (especially Kal Penn). I dunno - Rajesh doesn't do anything for me; he's like a brown Fez.

Sheldon (Jim Parsons)
DATE DATE DATE!!! I love Sheldon so much, and I don't care that he would Asperger me to death, I want to marry him. He can talk down to me anytime. I'd let him put his smugness in my stupidity (that doesn't even make sense). But sadly...I think that Jim Parsons may be gay. Which means, in no uncertain terms, does he want to put his peen in my vajeen. I did a rudimentary Google search, and it seems he's straight, but there are also rumours he is dating Kaley Cuoco (STEP OFF BITCH), so I don't even know what to think. So I'll finish with this:

Dear Jim Parsons

Look, I know you're a big-time celebrity, and I'm just a mildly-famous blogger, but I really think I could make a great wife. For example, I have amazing hair. This is important because you need to be seen with a terrific looking lady at all your big-time celebrity fuckfests. As well, I am not fat anymore, so I won't break red carpets or Johnny Galecki. Thirdly, I am very funny. This is important because you will have to be funny all day at work and you will want to come home and not be "on". I will make you laugh, and make you tasty dinners. Speaking of which, I am good at making eggs and toast, so we'll always have Breakfast for Dinner (everyone's favourite!) I'm also good at cereal (both hot and cold). As well as my kitchen skills, I will do sexy stuff with you but you need to constantly compliment me on my great hair and amazing skin. I used to have terrible acne and hair that looked like a bleached-out Halloween wig, and now I operate on compliments and narcissism. Deal with it. I am tall, like you, and I am prepared to tolerate that you're from Texas. One time I had a layover in the Dallas airport, and it was lovely!

Anyways, just marry me, K? I'll make you cookies.
xoxo

The Mayor

Not being depressed and mopey: 1 Year Later

noreply@blogger.com (The Mayor) — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 02:03:00 +0000

Hey friends! Let's all gather around the fire for little chat, shall we? Pull up a chair. Warm yourself a mug of Postum. Put on your sweatpants. Are you comfortable? Good. Let's chat.

It was exactly one year ago that I broke up with my boyfriend and moved out of the apartment we shared, and I was pretty bummed out about the whole thing. In the event you don't remember (or you never read it because you were thoroughly disinterested in my life) you can re-read it here. It's coming back to you isn't it; remember how mopey and sad-sacky I was? Good lord. I was like a 3-legged dog mated with a Cure album - SUPER SAD. Anyways, a year has passed and I thought it would be cool to go back and re-assess the Pros and Cons list I made about being single. What's changed in a year? What's stayed the same? What's with these lazy Skip-raid posts, am I right?

Being Single is Really Great

2008 I like that I don’t have to share by bed anymore
2009 Um, half and half. I'm a snuggler, and sometimes I miss having someone to cuddle up to.

2008 I can drink Diet Cokes for dinner and no one will tell me I “need to eat better”
2009 Yeah, this lasted for all of 9 months and then one morning I woke up looking like a fat-ass. I had to start eating like an adult (which also means I lost a shitload of weight. WIN)

2008 I can talk about my TV/real life crushes out loud
2009 Still do. I LOVE YOU, JOEL MCHALE!

2008 I will watch Extreme Makeover: Home Edition without anyone telling me I am watching shitty TV
2009 If anything, I watch even more shitty TV than I have in my entire life. I love it. Do you think I could watch Toddlers and Tiaras if I still lived with my boyfriend? Well...I could, but I'd never hear the end of it.

2008 I watched How I Met Your Mother for the first time, just because I wanted to oogle Jason Segel and Neil Patrick Harris
2009 ...and now I watch it regularly for the sharp writing and clever story arcs.

2008 I want to buy nice underwear now
2009 AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! I'm still in the same crappy American Apparel I was in a year ago. Maybe I'll start buying nice underwear (unlikely).

2008 I can go to the mall for 4 hours if I want to
2009 Oh, and I do. I also kill time at the Library now, and one time I spent an hour and a half in a Starbucks.

2008 I love pretending I give a shit when people talk about marriage (big mistake, suckers)
2009 I don't even pretend anymore. That "big mistake, suckers" has been promoted from parentheses to lead-in sentance.

2008 I can do anything I want
2009 I really can. Right now I am spending my extra time watching The Larry Sanders Show on DVD and learning French, and no one is telling me I'm neglecting them or not spending enough time with them. It's terrific (so is The Larry Sanders Show, by the way)

Being Single Licks Homeless Assholes

2008 I am lonely as shit
2009 Yeah, I was lonely in the beginning, but that was just during my adjustment to single life. I haven't felt true, profound loneliness in a very long time.

2008 Christmas is the loneliest holiday for single people
2009 I made this blanket statement before Christmas. I had a feeling I'd be spending my holidays like a Cathy-comic, so I decided to do everything in my power to reverse this. I baked. I hung out with friends. I made Christmas cards. I went for snow-walks. And last year I had a pretty good Christmas.

2008 I want to go to the movies with someone
2009 Not really. I started going to the movies by myself and I LOVE IT. If you have never gone to the movies by yourself, you need to try it. It's great! Plus, no one eats all your popcorn and you get to take the rest home and eat it in bed (that sounds like something Liz Lemon would do).

2008 I sometimes want to wake up on Saturday morning and have brunch with someone
2009 ...and I do. I call up my sister or a friend or go by myself. A man sitting across from you does not a brunch make.

2008 No one is here to laugh at my jokes
2009 Fuck that. I have a roommate who laughs at my jokes, and I have my mom (who is very patient and a real saint) who listens to my lame jokes on the phone. Plus, I have you turds (I know, single tear).

2008 I feel like I need to go to the gym
2009 I didn't need to go to the gym, but I did need to stop eating cookie dough for breakfast. I learned the hard way (aka getting too fat to fit into Urban Outfitters clothing).

2008 I don’t like having to shave my legs
2009 My friend Franca introduced me to Nair Wax Strips and now I can go weeks without worrying about whether or not my legs are gross. In general, I keep the same personal upkeep I did when I had a steady, except now I maybe wear makeup more often and I use hairspray.

So all in all, I'm still single. That's not to say I'm not dating; I just don't have a reason to change my facebook status just yet. So to all of you sad-sacks out there who are in the same, boat - cheer up! Life goes on, and being by yourself isn't bad - it's what you make of it. If you choose to mope and be sad and get fat and cry all the time, then that's what you'll be - a big, fat, crying Cthulu. Or you can realize how awesome your life is and go from there. High fives and smiles.

xo

The Mayor

America's Next Top Model, Cycle 13, Little People, Big World edition: EP 9 - And Then There Were Four

noreply@blogger.com (The Mayor) — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 18:27:00 +0000

Last night on ANTM was like a Ripley's Believe It or Not: we had a REAL, FAMOUS short model as the guest judge! And who was this currently-working (and not for JC Penney) model? That's right! None other than Victoria's Secret/Sports Illustrated/Maxim/Frequent Teenage Boy's Masturbation Subject Marissa Miller. But she wasn't there just to roll around in the sand for 13 minutes and show the girls how to walk on their tippy-toes; she also gave them hope for their own careers!

"Not only am I an American Supermodel, but I'm also 5'8!"

Yeah, I am so sure it has nothing to do with these:

You too can have a career that makes your father feel he made some pretty significant parenting mistakes during your formative years! All you need is enough money for a set of good boobs, a nose job, regular spray-tans, a full set of veneers, and the constant feeling that there is someone younger and prettier who will take your job. Fun times!

But honestly, having Marissa Miller guest on the show is like Oprah guest on a reality show called America's Next Top Black Female Television Host. "Hey ladies! If you work hard enough, you may have a career as successful as mine...but probably not, so don't get your hopes up." Could you imagine any of these girls doing what Marissa Miller does?

Yeah, I'm sure Maxim would sell a million copies. Sarcasm.

Moving on. I can't believe we've made it this far; last night's episode gave us our final 4 shawties, and can I say? It wasn't the four I had assumed. If I were to go back to my initial reaction to the models, I would have predicted Lulu, Brittany, Erin, and Nicole. But shocker amongst shockers; I really didn't think Sundial would make it this far. Week after week, she shot like one of the orphans from an off-off-off Broadway production of Annie.

Although there's nothing 8-year-old raggamuffin about this:

What is going on here? Sundial looks great! And yet, this wasn't enough to save her. In the words of Lilo & Stitch:
Ohana means family, family means no one gets left behind.
Burn! Looks like you got left behind, Sundai! Just like in real life - you're not part of a family (OUCH. That was hurtful, even for me. Anything for a joke with this one). Let's move on before I make anymore "Sundai is from a broke-ass home" jokes.

Now for the winner, Jennifer. Doesn't this look like a Photoshop-Frankenstein? I feel like they just pieced together body parts and threw Jennifer's head on the top. And what the hell are they trying to sell in this shot? My Memaw's bolero jacket and an ill-fitting white swimsuit? No thanks.

Nicole Nicole Nicole...here's something my roommate and I thought of last night while watching this shitty underwater Cirque du Soleil; how much of these poses are planned, and how much is pure luck? Posing underwater isn't a skill, it's just something you try to do and hope you don't look like a complete fool. Don't get me wrong - Nicole owns this shot - but so would I if you put me in makeup and threw me in the water and told me to "pose for your life".

Oh Laura. Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Has Laura won anything? I feel like they're keeping her around just for her down-home charm and homespun catchphrases. Canada has Can-Con laws; does America have Hokey Yankee laws? Does every show on American TV need to have an element of Southern American Republican Backwards-ness? Let's look into that. Someone get me the Google.

Last, but not least (but mostly last) we have Erin aka Bratty Bratty Brat Brat. Okay, so two people get the boot next week AT THE SAME TIME, and I am really hoping that Erin is the first to let the door hit her where the good lord split her. Sweet jesus, she is irritating. I feel like someone needs to take her down a few pegs and lay her ass out at a party. It would be like in A League of their Own when Tom Hanks whips the mitt at Stillwell and hits him in the face.

Next week on ANTM...
Two bitches get the boot, two models will march that catwalk like call girls on the Ho Stroll, and all of us will feel stupider for watching this crap. Love you long time! See you later!

Romancing the Stone

noreply@blogger.com (The Mayor) — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 16:55:00 +0000

Hey friends. As you know by now, it's no secret that, despite my undying hatred of hippies, I love hippie stuff. I am very easily tricked into buying the dumbest of shit when I walk into a Grassroots or Noahs; many times I have left a health food store with a paper bag full of pills that smell like a hamster cage. What I'm getting at is that I am an idiot. Here is but a small selection of retarded shit I have gotten into:
- all-natural shampoo bars (which, ps, don't work for shit)
- washing my face with ground-up rice powder
- the Diva Cup (which is actually decent and not that crazy)
- drinking hemp oil
- soap made from coal
- tea tree oil mouthwash (which tastes like hot garbage)
Needless to say, someone could sell me Special K re-labeled as Mother Earth Crunch and I would spend $12 on it. But there was one last dirtbag hippie threshold I had yet to cross: Crystal Deodorant.

Okay, so in the event you are well-adjusted and normal, allow me to describe what crystal deodorant is. It's a magic crystal that you put water on and rub under your arms, just like deodorant. Then you put it back into its container to dry, or possibly recharge, I'm not sure. One of my good friends has been using crystal deodorant for a while, so I decided to ask her to give me a few pointers on making the switch:

The Mayor: Okay, while I have you...let me ask you about hippie deodorant?

Ilana: Yes

The Mayor: Okay, so where did you hear about crystal deodorant? Because you are the first and only person I know to use it.

Ilana: The natural food store on the Danforth across from Canadian Tire. [Her boyfriend] actually used it first, and then I jumped on the bandwagon. And I think my friend Kim uses it, but yeah, not a lot of people.

The Mayor: When you don't use deodorant, do you smell that bad? Because I reek. One time I tried the Lush Deodorant Powder and I smelled so gross.

Ilana: It depends - when I'm not working, I don't think too much, but I work in a room with steam tanks so by mid-afternoon it always gets pretty warm, so I would be concerned to not have deodorant on.

The Mayor: Okay, but on like a regular basis - like if you didn't wear anything, you wouldn't smell?

Ilana: I'm not too sure really cause I always wear it. I realize this is not at all helpful.

The Mayor: It's cool. I think I may be I am an obscene smeller.

Anyways, I decided to document my journey from Dove Original to Crystal Deodorant. My sincerest apologies to the good people at Dove; you make a great product, but I am a moron and am easily convinced into buying bogus beauty products.

DAY ONE
Bought a crystal deodorant from The Nutrition House. I can't remember what kind (I tore off the label out of embarrassment) but I don't think it matters. I think the instructions told me I'm supposed to keep it in the fridge, but that's retarded and nobody tells me what to do, so its staying on my bathroom shelf.

DAY TWO
I followed the directions and wet it and put it on. I hate the feeling of wet armpits so much. It didn't dry completely so I had to wear a loose t-shirt. I kept smelling my arms to make sure it wasn't smelling like shit. When I went to bed I smelled my arms and they didn't smell terrible - I was even wearing a dirty shirt from the day before. Not bad.

DAY THREE
I couldn't smell if I was stinking, so I asked my roommate to smell my armpits, even though I thought I was crossing a line. I told her why I needed her to put her nose in my armpit and she told me that she uses crystal deodorant too, as if it's some kind of secret society. I feel like I'm in the Stonecutters now.

DAY FOUR
As of day four the deodorant was working (UNCOOL) so I decided to wear a tank top and grow out my pit hair to throw a wrench into things. Tanks tops always make me smell and pit hair - self explanatory. By the end of the day my armpits still don't smell like anything!

DAY FIVE
Crystal deodorant is Chronicles of Riddick. I wore the same shirt from the day before (that I also slept in) and it was fine all day. Blarg. I was hoping to smell like an out-of-work Persian cab driver.

DAY SIX
I finally shaved my arms in prep for Halloween, and also to test out how much this deodorant would sting when I applied it to freshly-shaved arms. It didn't sting. Miracle! I also spoke to my best friend and she told me she got tricked into crystal deodorant once too, but she reeked up the place. Apparently it's all the 'toxins' coming out of your armpits. What? I know.

DAY SEVEN
A whole week and I am really used to this magic deodorant. I like it a lot better than my old stuff, and I truthfully can't see myself going back to regular deodorant. There are no cons, only pros:
- reasonably priced (like $10 I think)
- lasts a year
- no smell (both perfumey and BO-y)
- no weird stains in your clothes
- still works in the morning
And trust me when I say it works - I smell terrible when I don't wear deodorant. I always sleep with my arms over my head and one time my ex-boyfriend came into the bedroom where I had been sleeping, opened the door, and his eyes started tearing up from the smell. He had to air out the room before he came to bed. Albeit this was when I was using only natural deodorant powder instead of drugstore deodorant, but still. According to him, it smelled like something had died in our bedroom. Fantastic!

OVERALL GRADE: Oh, for sure I give health food store Crystal Deodorant a big A+

The Dumbest "Sexy ___" Costumes of 09

noreply@blogger.com (The Mayor) — Sat, 31 Oct 2009 23:38:00 +0000

Hey Spooks! Wait...uh...can someone double check for me on the term 'spook'? Can I use that? Even on Halloween it feels wrong. Anyways, I'm writing this from the hallway of my house where I'm anxiously waiting for Trick or Treaters to come to my house and rob me of my sweet sweet candy; and you know I give out good shit. No single-wrapped gumballs or foamy strawberries here! This year I'm giving out handfulls of caramel squares, Tootsie Rolls, M&Ms, Reese, KitKats, and Smarties. And when I say 'handfulls', I mean I give each kid like 8 or 9 treats. I've learned that candy is a currency for children and that the more candy I give, the less chance I have of getting my house egged.

Moving on. You know that every year I do some kind of costume breakdown, and this year I have decided to tackle the touchy subject of 'Sexy ____' costumes. You know what I mean; costumes that are more or less underwear paired with some kind of accoutrement to make it an 'idea'. Kind of like this:
This is a Sexy Cop, and this is the bread and butter of both boring Sorority skanks and fat wanna-be girls alike. Hell, it even has its own phrase: Slutoween. It's true: it's the only day of the year a girl can dress like a total slut and no one can say anything about it (Thanks, Mean Girls!)

And this post actually sprang from a joke on Facebook. A friend of mine joked that they were going as Slutty Balloon Boy for Halloween, which is actually pretty good. You can take any Noun and add the prefix of Slutty, and you have a completely viable costume. Here's proof!

Sexy Wednesday Addams
Okay, this is bizarre to me because a) the Wednesday costume is pretty cute to begin with. Short black dress, stripy socks, long black braided wig, headless dolls and, more disturbingly, b) Wednesday is an 8-year-old girl (paging Chris Hansen). Nothing says sexy like "Hey boys, my name is Wednesday. I'm learning fractions and next week we start our weather unit in science. My favourite band is the Jonas Brothers and my favourite food is pizza"

Sexy Al Gore
"I love recycling and being green and am very concerned with my carbon footprint. Which is exactly why I bought this costume: it's made from 100% man-made fibers, sewn by Chinese sweatshop workers, and I plan on throwing it in the garbage after wearing it for 5 hours. I love the Earth."

Sexy Olive Oyl
This is unreal. First off, who in our generation even watched Popeye? This costume is about 20 years too old. The Popeye I know is Robin Williams and Shelley Duvall, so if you're going to go as any Shelley Duvall character and make it "sexy", go as Sexy Wendy Torrance.

Sexy Mental Patient
And now an entry from the good people at Horribly Tasteless Costume Warehouse...we have Sexy Mental Patient. This is the blackface of the mental illness world. Am I offended? Not really - I'm more offended that someone would willingly choose a costume that prevents drinking. Who doesn't get loaded on Halloween? That's fucking mental.

Sexy Hobo
"I have pubic lice, severe schizophrenia, and an addiction to methadone. I sleep in the bathrooms at the mall. Wanna watch me make out with another girl?"

Sexy Guitar
I don't understand anything about this costume. What a random Noun to pick. It's like you looked around your room and went:
"Sexy...coffee table? No. Sexy...TV Stand? No. Sexy...guitar? I think I could make it work...". But no, you didn't make it work. You look like the result of a 14-year-old boy getting three wishes from a Genie and the first one is "I wish I could fucking marry my guitar!" Sure enough, 9 months later your guitar gives birth to this monstrosity. But just when you think it doesn't get any lamer than a guitar...

Sexy House
On the costume website they say that this is the 'She's a Brick House' costume. Ha. Ha. I get it, it's a pun. Know what sucks about puns? EVERYTHING. Know what else sucks about this costume? You're dressed as a house. You should be punished for your crappy costume choice.

Sexy Bob the Builder
Santo Dios, what the fuck is wrong with her feet?!?!?!

Sexy Freddie Kruger
This bitch would be the first to die in a Nightmare on Elm Street movie.

Sexy Rocky Balboa
Ugh, no comment. I...just can't. This is too lame, even for me.

Sexy Santa
Ho ho ho! I'm Santa! Or the general idea of Santa! But if you take away my over-sized candy cane and Santa hat, I'm just your average run-of-the-mill slut:

See? People people people. Adding a hat to lingerie does not a costume make. You're making your fathers cry.

And finally, the most retarded 'Sexy ____' costume of them all. When I saw this, I couldn't even fathom a guess at what it was supposed to be (I tried, but every idea started with the word "whore" and ended with a question mark). Here it is, the sluttiest of all Halloween costumes:

Sexy....Uh....What?
THIS. IS. NOT. A. COSTUME. This is black underwear, a bra, a mesh hoodie, and leg-warmers. This is in no way "dressing up" for Halloween. Are you a cold stripper? Are you the visual representation of low self-esteem? Are you legally retarded? DING DING DING! We have a winner!!

Happy Hurloween!!

noreply@blogger.com (The Mayor) — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 15:34:00 +0000

You know it's not Hurloween without a picture of John O'Hurley (aka Seinfeld's J. Peterman). God, I will never tire of that joke (despite the fact that it isn't all that funny). Anyways, this week's ANTM post will be arriving to you bright and early on Monday, so watch for that. I'm sorry I'm bumping it, but today is a very big day! That's right - the day before Halloween, my most favourite of all holidays. I was thinking of a good post to write for today and tomorrow, but I could only come up with one, so that will be tomorrow's post. But today? Today I have stolen a great list from our friends at The Onion. I read it this morning and knew I couldn't write anything nearly as funny as this, so here we go:

Halloween Safety Tips

Halloween, though lots of frightful fun, can also be full of potential dangers. Here are some tips to make your kids' All Saints' Eve an All "Safe" Eve:

- Pack your child's rectum with razor blades to make him/her less desirable to would-be molesters.
- Always trick-or-treat in groups of 400,000.
- Many troublemakers and dangerous people come out on Halloween night. To be safe, trick-or-treat in early March.
- Safety and self-defense go hand in hand. Be sure your child's handgun has at least a 10-round magazine and is at least .38 caliber to ensure stopping power.
- For optimum safety while trick-or-treating, be sure your child does not encounter fright-master screenwriter Kevin Williamson.
- Equip your child with special cyanide-filled false tooth for use in case of capture.
- Be sure child closes eyes before you drill eyeholes in mask.
- Beat would-be child murderers at their own game by poisoning your kids ahead of time.
- Dress your child in all-black costume to make him/her virtually invisible to potentially dangerous motorists.
- Tell your kids that if they see anything suspicious or scary-looking–for example, ghosts, goblins or witches–they should run to the nearest neighbor's house and call the police.
- Pack child's costume with safety flares.
- Before sending children off, give their anuses a good dollop of lube. This will help prevent their tissue from tearing when they are sodomized by maniacs.
- Do not ring doorbells under any circumstances.

I fucking bought this!

noreply@blogger.com (The Mayor) — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 02:33:00 +0000

EW. Are you looking at this? What am I, Toddlers and Tiaras?? They're called Bumpits (trust - you NEED to see this website. It is out-of-control classy). Whatever - it's not like I bought it for real. I need it for my Halloween costume. I'm dressing up as my life idol:

That's right! My costume this year isn't the most original, but it is the easiest and cheapest. I already have the same hair colour (WIN) and now I have the accoutrements for the hair-do. Thanks to American Apparel I have a pair of shiny black spandex leggings and just bought a cheap and trashy white and black leopard print top for $16. All I need is a box of candy marked BON-BONS and a cigarette with 2 inches of ash hanging off the end. The only sad part is that I don't have a guy to go as Al (who I would be pressuring for sex). I might post pictures. Might.

What the hell is going on here?

noreply@blogger.com (The Mayor) — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 03:10:00 +0000

Damn, I just got schooled by a baby!
But seriously, what the fuck is going on here?

Oh Asians, stop it!!!

noreply@blogger.com (The Mayor) — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 01:17:00 +0000

Why do you rule so good??? I don't know what the hell this commercial is for, but there are so many things right with this clip that I don't even care. First, I want that girl's hair and outfit. Second, I want those dance moves (I can't dance - sadface). Third, all the girls from Peanuts? Fourthly, what the hell language is that and can I learn it? PS - can someone please remix this so I can set it as my ringtone?

America's Next Top Model, Cycle 13, Little People, Big World edition: EP 7

noreply@blogger.com (The Mayor) — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 21:41:00 +0000

Hi guys! Okay, so it looks like we have yet another week where Ty and I bailed on our weekly ANTM chitter-chat, but that's okay! I'm still going to go over this mess of pictures, and just think - we're getting over the hump of boring. Hey, it happens in every reality show: the first couple of weeks are the best because that's where you get the largest cluster of losers and fuck ups. Then, as the losers get eliminated and the numbers slowly start to dwindle, fuck up fun times start to get few and far between. Then, before you know it, you're down to the last two turds in the toilet. Then it's over! I know, circle of life really. Anyways, let's get on with this shall we? I have some turds to flush. And speaking of turds...is this not the most ethnically diverse Final 7 we have EVER seen on ANTM? Can you believe it?!? This is so weird!

1. Rae (The Single Mom)
Okay, you know what's so crazy? I totally wasn't into Rae until last week when she really let her personality out, and now that I like her she's gone. This reminds me of a song, but I just can't put my finger on it. Sads. Oh well, it's for the best - Rae can go home and be a mom aka WHAT SHE SHOULD BE DOING.

2. Brittany (The...uh...Smart One?)
You know, I keep getting this feeling that Brittany will be next. She came in so strong but she's been fading as of late. Could this be the end for everyone's favourite 8-year-old Boy Skeleton?

3. Laura (The Hillbilly)
Anytime Laura pops on screen, I immediately think of this:

...which means I DO NOT want to see the face she makes when she gets eliminated. We need to be honest with ourselves here: Laura isn't going to win :(
I know, sads. But it's true - she's just too much hillbilly for the high-class world of midget modeling. The minute Tyra gives her the axe, needs to get herself an agent and start doing commercials. The possibilities are endless: Jimmy Dean Breakfast Sausages, Cellino & Barnes Injury Attorneys, First Response Pregnancy Tests, and finally - the most respected of all hillbilly commercial options - WAL MART.

4. Nicole (The Ginger)
I know that Vegas odds place Nicole high on the 'safe bet' list, but I just can't put all my money on this phony pony. Again, I can't predict her going far and it has nothing to do with her abysmal personality. Nicole is Sarah Plain and Tall, looks wise, and not in the good way. Nicole reminds me of this:

Seriously, does she not totally remind you of The Great Depression?

5. Sundai (The Black One)
Last night my sister and I were going to a party. She was having a really tough time picking out an outfit, so I advised her of the mantra I use when getting dressed: If you can't do hot, do cute. For instance, I am not a 10. Hell, on my best day I can barely pull off a 6. So I wont delude myself into thinking I'm a total babe. Instead, when I get dressed I go for Someone's mom in the 60s or 1970s Girl Scout. Sundai really works Cute; unfortunately cute does not a successful model make.

6. Erin (The Bitch)
I can see Erin being in the final 2, and you know - I'm going to go here - I can see her taking this thing too. She wants it so bad. Either that, or she needs to take a shit 24-7. I dunno - what am I, a doctor?

7. Jennifer (The Asian One)
Oh-kay! I loved Jennifer's commercial! I actually believed it, and that is very rare; as we all know, the ANTM commercials always look like hostage videos where the model is reading the script with such verbal distress it's as if she has an AK-47 pressed to her head. Not our girl, Shanghai Wonk-eye - she owned that shit pretty hard. Good for her! She better keep it up, because we NEED an Asian to win. As a white girl I know how sub-par my looks are to even the homeliest of Chinese girls, and I'm sick and tired of them getting kicked out early on in the game.

Episode notes:
- I don't know how I feel about this revolving door of C-List celebrities, but I will tell you this: I DO NOT approve of Kim Kardashian looking at Nigel like that.

For real, Ty and I are not afraid to shank a fat-ass bitch. We have nothing to lose, Kim; get your own mega-hot noted fashion photographer.

Next week on America's Next Top Whythehelldoesanyonecareaboutthis:
the final 6 go on an incredible journey to the international destination of...Hawaii? What? Are they mid-western retirees? How ghetto has this show gotten that they can't even book an out-of-country trip? Poor Laura - this was her opportunity to finally cross a border and bitch gets shanked by Tyra's genie pants budget. Oh wells - let's hope they do some kitschy photoshoots. I want to see this!!

Aw, so cute! You know who's going to rule these hula girl photoshoots? DON'T FUCK UP JENNIFER.

Cleansing the Stone

noreply@blogger.com (The Mayor) — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 00:29:00 +0000

I'm a pretty well-adjusted adult. I was raised by two level-headed people in a very normal house: we were allowed to watch The Simpsons and eat peanut butter out of the jar with a spoon. We had curfews and tutors and swimming lessons. We learned how to bake and use the washing machine and were allowed to babysit kids in the neighborhood. I only moved twice as a child, switched schools once, and went to church. Sure, my father went through a phase where we only drank powdered milk and our mother forbade Flinstone's Children's Vitamins, but in the grand scheme of things, that pales in comparison to parents who refuse to let their kids wear digital watches or eat anything that casts a shadow.

So it is with every fiber of my being that I harbor a shame so deep and so secret, and so fucking retarded, that only a complete idiot that grew up around flakes and hippies could understand.

People, I LOVE crackpot New Age shit.

I love it and I completely fall for it every time, and I'm not just talking about rookie stuff like Astrology or Dream Decoding. Conspiracy Theories, Lucid Dreaming, you name it, I can guarantee I showed an aggressive interest in it (well, at least for a week or two). But there is one super-crackpot aspect of New Age healing that I am crazy about:

Crystal Therapy

I will let that sink in for a second. No no, take your time, I'll come back to you after you're done rolling your eyes. Can we continue?

Alright, now that you have sustained lasting ocular nerve damage, I will explain (to those of you who don't know) just what Crystal Therapy is. Crystal Therapy is the utilization of the spiritual and healing properties in gemstones and crystals to bring about balance and wellness. And how do you use such gemstones and crystals to heal what ails you? Well you place them on your body, of course! But I'm sure you're sitting there thinking: "But Mayor, how do you know which gemstones and crystals to use?" Oh my goodness, it's easy, but super-secret, so you can't tell anyone, okay? Inside each gemstone and crystal are hidden healing powers that only reveal themselves to the stinky hippie who is printing them out on corresponding cards. I know, right? MAGIC. For instance, I have a piece of Aventurine, no bigger than a raspberry, that I carry with me all the time. It is supposed to stabilize my mood and bring me good luck. Does it? Well, let me tell you - it has an amazing placebo effect on me, and that alone is worth the $3 I spent on it.

Two weekends ago I was visiting my mother and father up north and we decided to drive two towns over to shop on their main street. They have a great antique store where I have bought two 1960s pea-green bedside table lamps and many a ceramic bird, and their Salvation Army resides in an old supermarket and is filled with old lady handbags. So we're walking and all of a sudden I smell patchouli and realize that we are standing right in front of a New Age store called The Love Tree. I know, right??? I don't think I could have picked a flakier name than that if I was this girl:

After 10 minutes (although I am sure it felt like 3 agonizing hours to my mother) I picked out a small, flat piece of Yellow Jasper:

In case I forgot why I was buying this little yellow piece of Earth-turd, I was given a card to help me remember, and thus smugly mention to anyone who asks why I'm carrying a discoloured rock:

Yellow Jasper is a protective stone, shielding against negativity and depression. This stone channels positive energy, increasing feelings of well-being, and builds confidence.

Shields against depression? No need for anti-depressants anymore - hell, I'm flushing them down the toilet as I type! But honestly, there are like hundreds of different stones and they all 'heal' you in the vaguest of ways. None of this makes sense. Not one bit. But that doesn't mean I don't carry stones in my pocket and place them on my throat and chest as I lay in bed reading.

So we're in The Love Tree, I have picked out my yellow jasper, and I'm approaching the cash register to pay. The woman behind the counter was reading a book - maybe a romance novel - and smelled fairly normal. When she asked me if I would like her to cleanse my stone, I thought nothing of it. I figured she'd rub a little Purel on it, maybe put it in a little dish of hot water and lemon, like at a fancy restaurant. Not so. She took the jasper over to a wide-mouthed white marble bowl. It was about 18 inches high and 18 inches wide, with thin, smooth sides and a heavy matching rod. Kind of like a really big mortar and pestle. After placing the stone in the base of the bowl, she began running the rod around the lip of the bowl, slowly at first, which made a soothing low hum of a sound. With an increase of speed, the sound intensified to a loud ear-piercing drone. The whole time the woman was running the rod around the bowl's lip, she had her eyes closed; which is good, because I was clenching my mouth tightly to ensure that I didn't burst out laughing. It was so retarded - and the worst part was that she wasn't stopping! I stood there for at least 3 minutes before I told her to stop and that I thought my stone was clean enough.

She removed the jasper from the bowl and wiped it with a soft cloth. Why she did this, I have no idea - it's not like the stone was wet. She rang me in ($1.35) and started to wrap the stone in tissue paper, where I stopped her.

"It's okay, I'm just going to put it in my pocket" I said.

This is when that New Age bitch gave me the dirtiest look and WHIPPED the stone at me. It literally shot across the counter. What the hell?!? I guess putting my stone in my filthy pants pocket defeats the purpose of cleansing it in the marble bowl of magic. I mean, what the hell did she think I was going to do with it? Take it home and put it in a shrine surrounded by incense and oranges? Oh wait...

So the stone is still in my pocket. I think I voided my warranty by doing so, but I don't care. Its placebo effect can't ever be washed off.

America's Next Top Model, Cycle 13, Little People, Big World edition: EP 6

noreply@blogger.com (The Mayor) — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 03:49:00 +0000

The Mayor: Can I tell you that I'm eating Girl Guide cookies right now? Americaaaaaa, Fuck Yeah!
Ty: can I tell you that I ate Thanksgiving leftovers and feel uncomfortably full - like an American after....oh, any meal I suppose
The Mayor: I love Thanksgiving leftovers. I could seriously eat nothing but dressing. Ew, know what my dad calls it? "Liner".

The girls are now getting in to cars to drive their asses through LA traffic for the go-see challenge. I could have done without this, as it was boring me to tears, but I do what I've gotta do to please you people. You can thank me by sending me a Skoal basket.

The Mayor: Oh noes...the go-sees are always the worst! Is there something wrong with me because I hate go-sees? Am I go-see predjudiced??
Ty: over-under on how many accidents we see.....< or > than 3? FUCK! where's the smash-up derby!!!!
I haven't been to one of those since the Uxbridge Fair
The Mayor: Me neither. I really enjoy Demo Derbies
But that's cause my blood is straight Kraft Dinner cheese sauce. White Trash 4 Lyfe.
Ty: squeeze that Our Compliments prepared mustard onto that No Name Hot Dog!!! Wrap that shit in Wonderbread! Mutter a racial slur!!! FUCK YES!
The Mayor: Know why I would fail this challenge? Because I can't drive worth a damn and I can't read a map for shit.
Ty: of course the Asian woman isn't driving!

The Mayor: So they're in a room with swords and ninja stars and martial arts shit, and my first thought was "Jennifer is going to sail through this". Um, what?? When did I turn into someone's backwards Grandma?
Ty: Man....some 15 year old pimply World of Warcraft dude just popped a boner of Ogre proportions. Lots of fetish shit tonight...
- diaper rash
- swords
- harnesses
- asian shit
- Mr. Jay
'stabbing apparatus' - I have one of those too. IN MY PANTS!

The Mayor: Tyra's weave looks expensive. I wonder how much it costs.
Ty: more than what I make in a month
The Mayor: Jessia White looks like Blu Cantrell
Ty: oh dear lord - Hit 'em up Style!
The Mayor: LOVE

BRITTANY
The Mayor: Oh my god, that woman was such a bitch to Brittany! LOVES IT. But for real, you DO NOT put your shoes on the table. Also, Brittany's mouth bothers me. I'm not sure why.
Ty: There's a reason why you look past Brittany, it's because she's this close to not being there. Brittany needs a shape - period.
The Mayor: Speaking of periods, Brittany probably doesn't get hers anymore - are you seeing how skinny that bitch is?
Ty: I do see that...she only bleeds due to penetration
The Mayor: Oh Ty....that was horrible, even by my standards
Ty: I do what I can do to keep you on your toes

ERIN
The Mayor: Erin's is just so blah to me - it looks like if anyone was up on a wire with a bunch of weapons
Ty: Yeh - she's boring
The Mayor: I couldn't think of who Erin reminded me of, but now I know!!! Selena Gomez, the white version:

Use your imagination a little. PS - this is some epic photoshop.

JENNIFER
The Mayor: "I would not book Jennifer" - ouch! Is it because the bitch has troubles with the eyes?

KARA
The Mayor: AHAHAHAHAHA - are you looking at Kara's poses??? They are terrible!
Ty: Oh no...almost a whole episode without smize. Smeyes? How the fuck do you spell that shit? -Wait....who cares, I'm never going to mention it again
The Mayor: I think it's Smize. Actually, I think it's stupid. Oh lawd, her posing looks like someone who has been in a wheelchair all their lives walking for the first time. Also I love that all the comments for Kara are like "her hair is dirty", "she looks messy", "Kara makes me nauseous"
Ty: Kara woke up next to an extra from Hot Shots Part Deux and really doesn't know where she is right now
The Mayor: Kara woke up next to Ricky "Wild Thing" Vaughn’s stand-in

LAURA
The Mayor: Yes!!!!! Runner up is my girl Cracker Barrel!! "It's diggin inna mah legs...that's definitely a negative" - oh Laura, always with the obviousness

NICOLE
The Mayor: You called first - Nicole. She deserved it. She's good, has a great attitude. Thumbs up. But…Nicole looks like she's wearing a diaper filled with poo. Oops! I Crapped My Pants, if you will.
Ty: Has Nicole really given any of these catty bitches a reason to hate her?
The Mayor: Not really - she's such background that you can't find a reason to dislike her. I, however, hate her because she's a drip. She finally won, which doesn't mean a damn thing. She got a jank-ass dress from Forever 21 and some danglies. Whoop. Dee. Doo

RAE
The Mayor: Rae, what are you doing? Stop making fun of Laura - she's the best and you are a dumb slut who chose her life path based on Madonna's Papa Don't Preach.
Ty: Rae could play Skeletor in the all girl version of He-Man and the Masters of the Universe
The Mayor: Rae looks like background in a shitty direct to DVD Star Wars movie
Ty: That was a great Minny accent...I want to do Rae wrapped in flannel during a Twins game...with visions of Kirby Puckett in my head
The Mayor: Rae totally gave me some Drop Dead Gorgeous. Amber Atkins. Eh-elle-eh-bee-eh-em-eh. Alabama.

SUNDAI
The Mayor: Yikes, does Sundai have a tongue-ring? Ew! And you called bottom for the millionth time - the bottom two were Sundai and Kara, with Kara being cut...like her foreskin during her bris. Mazel Tov!

Next week on America's Next Top Shawty:
The Mayor: Ew, why is she crying so much? Stop it. That is not very becoming. Also I love this Young Jeezy/T-Pain Autotune "wannabeon taaaaap" song.

"I've got a dick in here" - My sister ringing in this Thanksgiving

noreply@blogger.com (The Mayor) — Sun, 11 Oct 2009 23:14:00 +0000

*Note: not me, but I wish!

Hello friends! I just wanted to let you know that we'll be back on Tuesday with a big fat greasy ANTM post (I know, I totally flaked on last week) and that I want to wish all my Canadian friends a Happy Thanksgiving (aka Smallpox-riddled Blankets to Natives Day) and a Hap-hap-happy Birthday to yours truly, ME. That's right - tomorrow is my birthday and I'm taking it off. I'll be spending the day eating leftover turkey, wearing stretchy pants, and Irishing up every drink within arms reach (aka Mom, you better hide the booze).

Aight, I'll see you all back here on Tuesday afternoon, and I promise to have two good posts. It's my gift to you. Speaking of which, I'm sure you're wondering what to get me for my birthday. It's not too late! Feel free to pop into your local 7-11 and get me any of the following:
- Computer cleaner
- Diet Coke
- Skoal (I prefer mint)
- Thompson's Water Sealer
- BeneFibre (I am ADDICTED to that stuff. Seriously, expect a post on that soon)

See you soon kids! Peace!

4 hyped up movies I don't give a shit about (sowwy)

noreply@blogger.com (The Mayor) — Tue, 06 Oct 2009 02:28:00 +0000

4. Craptastic Mr. Cocks
Listen, I am a big Wes Anderson fan; I used to want to marry Max Fischer and I tried to base my life off that of Margot Tenenbaum's. Hell, I'll even throw a bone at The Darjeeling Limited. But are you looking at this? Okay, let's strip this down to the legs, shall we?
- take away the Oscar-winning voice actors (that means sayonara George Clooney and Meryl Streep)
- take away Henry Selick, who jumped ship to do the outstanding Coraline (and yes - we're talking Nightmare Before Christmas stop-motion king Henry Selick)
- pretend you have never seen the ultimate in Roald Dahl film adaptations, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, aka The World's Best Movie About a Child-killing Factory
So what do we have left? A crappy, sub-par Dahl story with stop-motion puppets. Sorry Wes Anderson, we already have that: it's called James and the Giant Peach.

3. Poomelia
Ugh, I have seen this trailer about 9 times and every time I want to shout "BITCH DIES AT THE END". Wait a second - I think I have found Hilary "Seabiscut" Swank's lucky pony-foot: homegirl only takes parts where she dies at the end. Boys Don't Cry? Shot by Peter Sarsgaard. Million Dollar Baby? Killed by the racist Gamp-gamp from Gran Torino. The Next Karate Kid? Well...actually, I guess she was the one to kill that franchise, but I digress. I just hate when people do movies purely for the Academy Award nomination they are sure to receive. Ugh. Such Hollywood bullshit. Also, no offense - but Amelia Earhart wanted to be the first woman to fly across the Atlantic (or whatever - I am too goddamn lazy to Wiki that) and she EPIC LIFE FAIL'D. So, no offense to the estate of Amelia Earhart, why do we care? Are we awarding people with biopics now based on being a Runner Up?

2. Shit It
Okay, first off - I didn't mind Juno. I hate Diablo Cody ("I was a stripper! Have I told you I was a stripper?? Totes McGoats STRIPPERZ!!!!!") and I hate hate hate her stupid made-up wannabe-Heathers dialogue. And I really hate Ellen Page; she is over-rated and I am ashamed we have the same country stamped on our passports. And I can't let that affect my judgment. So here are the reasons why Whip It will be two hours of annoying'ness:
- Kristen Wiig's camera mugging. UGH. Am I the only one who is sick to death of how over-exposed Kristen Wiig is? Like, I get it - she is funny - but is she as good as Tina Fey? Answer: HELL TO THE NO, BOBBY B
- choosing Ellen Page as the star over Alia Shawkat? I'mmmmmmmmsorry?
- Drew Barrymore as an actress? Sure, she's adorable, and Grey Gardens proved she can act. Drew Barrymore as a director? Um....sorry? Did I miss something? Oh yes, I did - it seems I slept through Hollywood Nepotism 101: Getting Directing Work Because You're Hollywood Royalty. Being Gertie from ET does not a director make.

UPDATE: I sort of want to see Whip It now. I know, I totally wrote this post last week, and since then I have been swayed. I'm sorry - I'm the worst :(

1. Where the Wild Turds Are
I know that my readership just dropped faster than a shit in my pants after a 2-day Taco Bell bender. Everyone and their Gam-gam loves Where The Wild Things Are and I DON'T. GET. IT. Look, you can't say it was because I didn't read it as a kid (sorry, didn't - I had more fun being outside shitting in sand pails) so let's just judge this for what it is, aight? A movie about a mopey emo baby who has a dream about big monsters. And while we're on that topic; can someone call up the offices of Jim Henson and alert them to a possible copyright infringement? Holy crap, do those monsters look a little Great Muppet Caper to you? Yeah, I know. Also, allow me to be brash for a second: Spike Jonze is OR (over-rated). YOU HEARD ME. Yes, he did Being John Malkovitch (amazing) and he directed some fucking music videos in the 90's. But he is NO Michel Gondry (FIGHTING WORDS). Yes, fighting words x2. Ugh, it's like, WTWTA is too deep for kids and their parents. The only segment of society WTWTA appeals to is...wait for it...dumb, pretentious 24-28 year olds. And what do dumb, pretentious 24-28 year olds love doing? Downloading movies. So WTWTA will make, what, $3 million at the box office? Splendid! It will make about as much as Jennifer's Body. Hoo-rah. And for my final argument, if you're going to make a movie about a past Caldecott Medal Winner, it better be THE MOTHER FUCKING SNOWY DAY.

Ask My Mom!

noreply@blogger.com (The Mayor) — Mon, 05 Oct 2009 13:29:00 +0000

Hey friends, welcome to Monday! And welcome to Ask My Mom, where you asked your very important life questions and she answers. And remember - to Ask My Mom a question, simply email skipraid@gmail.com or leave it in the comments! Alright, hop in to your mom jeans and let's do this! Let's chat with the cuteness that is my mom, Mumma D.

What is the best recipe for Polish Apple Cake, and do I have to be Polish to enjoy said cake?
- Cake Lover

If you really want the BEST Polish apple cake recipe email me! Btw....it's called Jablecznik...apple cake just sounds too boring. As to whether you need to be Polish to enjoy it...duh!!!!...It's CAKE!

(5y)14y-7+9=y-4
Solve for y and don't forget to show your work!
- Sleepless in Seattle

Thank you Sleepless in Seattle or as I'd like to call you-Smartypants in Seattle! Y oh y r u posting a math problem here? I'm here 2 give work/relationship advice and 2 answer recipe and shiba inu questions! The good folks over at www.kumon.com would b more than happy 2 assist u with your "problem" Good luck! (geez...there's always 1 in every crowd)

At work there is another employee who is a serious b-word. This person is really unbareable. I think its because their life is crap, so they have to take out all their shit on everyone else. So heres my question: do i just ignore them and keep feeling sorry for them or should i tell them off. i should mention i really want to tell them off.
- Anonymous

Please define "a serious b-word": baby, browbeater, baker? If it's what I think it is.... (b as in witch ;) then just make up some crazy rumour that'll get her/him fired and your problem is solved....right?! KIDDING! Always take the high road. Arrange to meet this person to discuss this problem and how it's affecting you. Could be that their home life is in shambles or they're dealing with a medical problem and they just need someone to talk to. If they don't want to discuss their personal problems then meet with your boss and explain what's been happening (with documentation) DON'T tell this person off!! You may end up looking like the baddie (especially if they start wailing) and it could affect YOUR employee status! It's up to your boss to manage this workplace problem..not you.

Hi Mom. If i eat beets, and then go to the doctors for a urinary tract infection, and they see my pee is red...will I get time off work?
- Rachael

First off....you should seriously think about getting a new Dr. if you can pull this one off :/ Believe me, with or without the beet(le)juice you'll definitely be staying home with a UTI!! For heaven's sake... you must have been absent from health class the day they taught "taking care of your body" ....probably home with another UTI, poor thing :( Take those beets and use them for their intended purpose...borscht! (Another Polish recipe) Simmer up a tall pot and share with your co-workers after you've returned from sick leave ;)
Seriously though...do pay attention to your urine rainbow spectrum...yes, including pink and blue! M.D. may be my moniker but I'm no Doctor so always check with your health professional if you're feelin' blue!

Tip of the day: If we're honest with ourselves we've ALL been "serious b-words" at work at least once. Showing care and compassion may diffuse a person's anger and help them understand they need to leave their problems outside the workplace....managing stress is hard. If all else fails.....bake a Polish apple cake and offer her/him a corner piece :)

America's Next Top Model, Cycle 13, Little People, Big World edition: EP 4

noreply@blogger.com (The Mayor) — Thu, 01 Oct 2009 01:51:00 +0000

The Mayor: HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!
Ty: Indeed. I am 45 today!
The Mayor: Oh dear, Brittany might not be around by the end! Can you feel it? Are you getting that vibe? Ooooh, Sam Fine is like a broke-ass botoxed Benny Ninja
Ty: He is. Where is Benny Ninja Lava?

The Mayor: Concealer, bronzer, mascara, gloss? My 4 are Blush, blush, black eyeliner, pills. I need double the blush cause I am WHITE.
Ty: How do men end up makeup artists? Do they have a moment when their 14 and stealing their mom's coverup for a zit and then....presto they want to be around makeup?

The Mayor: Nigel and his wife? R U JELLIS?!?!?
Ty: I am. I'm jealous of their walls. And sheet. And toilet.
The Mayor: "Makeup is not about changing the way you look" - BISH PLZ. I use makeup to not look like a half-melted baby bird. Wow, I really like this Walmart challenge because, DARE I SAY IT, sometimes I have seen some good clothes at Walmart. I am white trash, it's in my blood. Racing around Walmart? Laura is going to shag-ass.
Ty: Laura is sharpening her elbows. Oh no! Laura! This was your dream!
The Mayor: SNAP. Laura is eliminated already?!?! She just made Middle America cry. Cry tears of gravy and grits. I wanna eat those tears
Ty: Tears that are on sale. Rollback tears
The Mayor: $2 or $3 tears. Okay, Erin is an asshole - I saw how she was throwin' them bows. Bitch is a bruiser

Ty: No one is surprised it was Tyra. If there's a chance for her to be the focal point, she'll take it. I'm surprised they haven't had a shoot where they model beside a life size cutout of Tyty

The Mayor: Tyra wishes every week was Tyra Plays Photographer week
Ty: DUH!
The Mayor: I'm surprised they haven't just called the show TYRA and it's a continuous loop of her posing. Kind of like how CITY-TV shows The Log on Christmas Day. 8 hours of The Log. It's mesmerizing

The Mayor: China Chow? That sounds like slang for Chinese food
Ty: Bad slang....like 80s mom slang
The Mayor: "Call up Mr. Pong's and get my ass some motherfucking china chow"
Ty: White suburban stoned gangsta slang. “You don't look completely present”. I'm going to use that on the dumb kids when they say 'present!' during roll call
The Mayor: I can imagine girls say that about you when they see you with your pants off. "You don't look completely present"

ASHLEY
The Mayor: Ashley's picture looks like something from an old 1984 Chatelaine magazine
Ty: Ewwww! Chatelaine! Cancon!
The Mayor: WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAZ happening? How is Ashley skimming by? This is a damn dirty shame.
Ty: This was a power move on panel by Tyra

BIANCA
The Mayor: Bianca looks like Wesley Snipes' mom. Big Mamma Snipes
Ty: Big Mamma Snipes...bet she didn't do her taxes either
The Mayor: "Is Bianca the verb, and not the noun?" - Tyra, you probably didn't even get your damn GED.
Ty: did I just get a grammar lesson from Tyra?
The Mayor: Bianca looks SO much like an athlete! She's like the third William
William's sister. The one they keep in the basement

BRITTANY
The Mayor: Whoah! They should stop showing Brittany's body - she's making Holocaust survivor's weep
Ty: wet vag hug! I told you Brittany was good. You need to believe me more

ERIN
The Mayor: Erin...lawd....why is she crying? Get over it! This limo is like a fucking Crybaby Daycare
Ty: Erin's eyebrows would look just fine on an old man's face....imagine them on the Hef
The Mayor: Are you looking at Erin? Bitch is going to take this. Can we just give her the trophy now? Sidenote - the trophy is just a glossy 8x10 of Tyra
Ty: Are you sure it's not a bronzed statue of Tyra?

JENNIFER
The Mayor: Dear Makeup Artist: Work on making Jennifer's eye not so...how you say....fucked up. Can I say something SO terrible? Jennifer looks like a horrible Asian stereotype. Like, Jennifer looks like what racist grandparents think Asians are. Jennifer is missing a cat and a computer. Maybe superimpose her in front of a well-made car
Ty: And a 'teeheehee' laugh
The Mayor: THAT'S JAPANESE. I'm talking Chinese
Ty: You said Asian!
The Mayor: Okay, I should have been more specific. Know Your Asians. Also, Jennifer was getting a little personal with that floor
Ty: Jennifer just showed us her O-face

KARA
The Mayor: Whoah! Kara's nose is as wide as her face
Ty: Kara does have a memorable face....I would remember it as it chewed off my weenis

LAURA
Ty: 'It was really enjoyment' - good grammars Laura. Laura is getting a wide-on over this....she needs a westinghouse fan from Walmart to cool the fuck down
The Mayor: Laura looks like an organizer for the Ride to End Cancer

The Mayor: Laura's outfit looks incredible. I love Wanda Sue
Ty: Wanda Sue will design an Oscar Gown. She has a sellable designer name
The Mayor: I want that outift. You have no idea

NICOLE
The Mayor: "Nicole's hands look like Gollum" - you mean Nicole's face looks like Gollum, right? Nicole's everything looks like Gollum
Ty: You no talk bad bouts Nicole. Nicole and I are tight. And by that I mean that I think Nicole is probably tight
The Mayor: Nicole has an outtie. I wish I had an outtie. I have a very deep innie. To the point where it grosses people out. It's a black hole (which is also what they call my vagina)
Ty: I have an innie / outie ... which is what I call intercourse
The Mayor: AHAHAHAHA. No, you call intercourse "up and down" or "tired hands"
Ty: 'Tired hands' That's golden
The Mayor: From now on, can we please call masturbation "tired hands"?
Ty: We can and will

RAE
The Mayor: Rae needs some serious Proactiv
Ty: I think that's preggers acne. Sooo...Rae is good. And by good, I meant that.
The Mayor: Rae looks like she'll burn down the school on prom night with her mind

SUNDAI
The Mayor: Sundai is making me sleeeeeeeepy
Ty: She looks like that fun girl at the office that loves to go out despite having to get up early to drag her 'rug-rats' to hackey practice

Next week on America’s Next Top Model…
Ty: Benny Ninja!
The Mayor: Benny NInja? Lil Mama? Jabberwockeez?
Ty: Jabbbeeeeewockkkies!
The Mayor: This is going to get out of can-troll! Next week is gonna get Harlemisha
Ty: Good times on the horizon

Ask My Mom!

noreply@blogger.com (The Mayor) — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 21:23:00 +0000

Hey friends! Have you ever had a problem that didn't know how to solve? Been in a jam and didn't want to face the judging tone of your partner or parole officer? Needed advice, but didn't want to ask anyone close to you, so that you can keep hiding how shitty your life is? Oh my god, guess what? I have a very temporary band-aid solution for you! I have spoken about my mother before on The Skip-Raid, and for all of you out there who know my mom know that she is full of very helpful, usually funny advice. Trust - my life is in constant shambles - I get advice from my mother on the daily. And with that being said, my mother needs a rest from me; there is only so much she can do with me. I'm hopeless. The woman needs a vacation. And your problems are just that vacation!!! Hopefully this can be a bi-monthly thing (if you like it) but I need your help. Y'all need to write in with your questions. All questions will be kept anonymous (or you can think of a funny handle to use) so don't hold back - ask my mom any goddamn thing you want. And you can send them in one of two ways: leave your question(s) in the comment's section of this post or email it to skipraid@gmail.com

So get going! Ask my mom anything! How did you give birth to such a bitchy turd? Fuck off!!! Questions like that will not be tolerated!

America's Next Top Model, Cycle 13, Little People, Big World edition: EP 3

noreply@blogger.com (The Mayor) — Fri, 25 Sep 2009 01:11:00 +0000

The Mayor: Fuck, I wish we could video-blog like Pot Psychology. But nawt gon happen
Ty: That would require me not looking like a bag of feces though. Ugh - Tyra brought up super smieyes again....that's proof that she shouldn't procreate

The Mayor: Look at this little saucy pup! I want a kid like that! Holy shit, Diva Divanah is breaking it off
Ty: So this little girl.....will go through at least four marriages in her life...there's a prediction. And at least 4 different addictions to over the counter drugs
The Mayor: Oh yeah, that little girl is going to eat a shitload of pills

During this episode they have a shitty Seventeen magazine-sponsored fashion show where they pit the girls against tall girls (aka Real Models)
The Mayor: Oh snap! They're going to get their asses kicked!
I love side by sides - tall girls vs. midgets
Ty: Oh, so now they're going to show us real models, not fuckin lollipop gang members
The Mayor: And probably one or two from past seasons
Ty: Nothing makes me feel more superior in every way than standing beside a short person for an extended period of time
The Mayor: What in the name of Walmart prom is with this fashion show?
Ty: These are horrendous
The Mayor: This is the shittiest fashion show they have ever had on the show
Ty: I would really think twice about boning a chick if she had one of these dresses on. But in reality, I would really only think twice about boning the chicks with dicks in these dresses
The Mayor: You would still do it. You'd be like "can you tuck that? Bokay, let's do this. TY IS RONERY"
Ty: Move aside wang! (That could also refer to her overprotective body guard)

ASHLEY
Ty: Ashley has some broke ass skin
The Mayor: I would love to give Ashley a facial. You would love to give her the other kind of facial
Ty: Listen...I wasn't going to go there...not every one of my thoughts involves me being The Sperminator
The Mayor: That's the best nickname you could make up for yourself? Sperminator? I would have gone with Crystubatron
The Mayor: Ashley's face isn't smizing...its more like bragging. Bragging that her mom drank heavily during her pregnancy.
Ty: Bragging that she would struggle to find a white person in Uxbridge

BIANCA
The Mayor: Bianca looks like a straight-up broke, black version of mental illness / head shaving Britney Spears
Ty: Ha! “My main goal is to work on my face” Yes Bianca, the face is a rather important part of modeling (or....”work on my face”...that's what the directors will be telling the male costars to do in your next career)
The Mayor: Bianca reminds me of a character from A Different World...but a male character
Ty: Dwayne Wayne?
The Mayor: Yes! Dwayne Wayne!!!!!
Ty: Fun fact....did you know that A Different World is the first time I realized that black people could make fun of each other's skin tone? Before that I guess the nine-year-old version of me believed that they didn't notice the difference. And right around that time is when I went through a phase where I would refuse to refer to people by their skin tone - we were watching Hear no Evil, See no Evil and I wanted to make a comment about Richard Prior being funny but I didn't know his name and despite the fact that he was the only black dude on the screen, I would only refer to him as 'the man in the hat'
The Mayor: You are a shame racist
The Mayor: Who was beating up Bianca? Ah yes - Lisa Bonet
Ty: Denise. She was my favourite....cause we all saw her boobs and the Cos got angry
The Mayor: Denise was badass

BRITTANY
The Mayor: Britney won? Meh, don't even care! Brittany looks like a Real Housewife of Boring County

ERIN
Ty: Erin could easily step into the role of cracked out 18 year old mother of three

JENNIFER
No comments for Jennifer this week. She fell in to the background (kind of like that lazy eye of hers)

KARA
The Mayor: Whoah, Kara has a terrible walk.
Ty: Kara, your chin has more weight to it than most of the girls in total. If Kara's looking for work she could easily find employment cracking coconuts with her jaw
The Mayor: Kara has the face of a frat boy
Ty: She probably has the underdeveloped penis of a frat boy too
The Mayor: WHOAH Kara has Summer Eyes!!!! Summer here, summer there
Ty: And a summer sack...summertimes it's there, summertimes it's not

LAURA
Ty: If I saw Laura doing a walk in the frozen food section of Walmart I would.....wait...I'd be ashamed of myself for buying frozen food from Walmart....That's the equivalent of stealing toilet paper from the welfare office
The Mayor: Most people don't walk down the aisles at Walmart; they roll, on their Jazzies. And Rascals
Ty: Would you rather have a rascal or a peg-leg?
The Mayor: I'd rather have a peg leg. TERRY FOX ALL THE WAY
Ty: Good answer, proud Canadian
The Mayor: Laura sort of looks like Paris Hilton in this shoot. Also, Laura is ALWAYS HAPPY. I love it

LULU
The Mayor: Nicole: DON'T HATE ON LULU
Ty: Do you have a sticky box for Lulu?
The Mayor: I do - I would scissor Lulu. Wait, how does that work again? I don't think I want to do it if it's what I think it is…

NICOLE
Ty: “5'13”?....umm. “You instantly just gave me 3 inches” - me too!
The Mayor: So that puts you up to...what...4 inches?
Ty: I get an assist on that self deprecating penis joke
The Mayor: You really do. You walked yourself into that store
Ty: I did...I didn't even think to check if it was open, but it's you...so it's always open
The Mayor: True. My crayche never closes
Ty: That's what it says in the bathroom stall at Hooters
The Mayor: You mean in the bathroom at your dad's work
Ty: Ew!

RAE
The Mayor: Rae has Mom Pooch
Ty: Pooch? Ponch? Does she still have some uterus protrusion?
The Mayor: Pooch. It’s like a baby gunt. Rae's is so boring. Snooore
Ty: yeh. Rae put me to sleep. She needs to go bottomless next week to wake up the part of me that likes her
The Mayor: um, her massive, stretched-out mom-vag?

SUNDAI
Ty: Sundial's was good - I believe it.

The Mayor: Okay, the winner….Kara? What?!?!?!
Ty: It should be Nicole, not fuckin Seabiscuit. WHAAAAT - Ouch, Lulu vs. Brittany
The Mayor: Oh man, Lulu is goan
Ty: Brittany is too good to be here.
The Mayor: Brittany? What? Bish plzha. Ew. Is Lulu wearing a onesie? For that reason she should be gone. Okay, next week. Owe! Mai! Gawd! They do a challenge in Walmart. Clean up in Frozen Foods - Laura got a wide-on!
Ty: Ewwwwww! Vag juice and frozen spinach in the same place....gross

America's Next Top Model, Cycle 13, Little People, Big World edition: EP 2

noreply@blogger.com (The Mayor) — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 01:57:00 +0000

The Mayor: What the hell channel is this in again?
Ty: ummm...08? like the year that either of us last had meaningful sex
The Mayor: BWAHAHAHA - funny and true
Ty: I know....that's my thing
The Mayor: Oh well...there's still 3 months left in 09! (crosses fingers)
Ty: (crosses penis)p.s. these women should be way more attractive
The Mayor: I know...they truly are a comely bunch of little persons
Ty: think of all the years that ANTM has been on...sorry, cycles...and then all the shorties who didn't make it....and we're stuck with this ugmo crew?

The Mayor: Oh my god, I hate when they do these skits. I feel like I'm watching Uxbridge community theatre
Ty: is this Dan Levy's more gay out of work actor brother?
The Mayor: SuperSmieys? Smiling with your eyes = smieyes. Uh, that is Smerrible
Ty: OKAY - she's taking this 'making up word thing too far'. she's making my penis go insmies me
The Mayor: She's making me want to punch-a-smieyes my television
Ty: So I've just questioned how we've wasted hours of our lives watching this....I could have written a thesis
The Mayor: I know - on my death bed I will be holding my grandkid's hands and say "I wish...I hadn't watched...so much....shitty television"

Ashley
The Mayor: Ashley is finally talking and it's the equivalent of a bitchy girl in a club bathroom. "She was being rull irritating”. I can't believe Ashley didn't get sent home. She is crucially crappy
Ty: She's irrelevant

Bianca
The Mayor: Bianca looks like Lil' RuPaul
The Mayor: “Isis looked more feminine than Bianca” - Love you, Jay!

Ty: Damn....that was harsh Jay....you look more manly than the chick with the dick
The Mayor: Bianca looks like a discount tranny sex doll

Brittany
The Mayor: Brittany done good.

Courtney
The Mayor: EW, are you looking at her? This isn't America's Next Wang-Haver
Ty: Courtney has mom hair in her 20s. Can you imagine the Northern Reflections she'll have in her closest when she's 40?
The Mayor: Courtney can sell the shit out of JC Penney mom jeans. Courtney doesn't need any blurring in the chest. She doesn't have boobs, she has pecs
Ty: “I feel disabled in the boot”.....again, my point....could you imagine all the girls watching this who are ACTUALLY FUCKING DISABLED?
The Mayor: "Wah wah wah he made me keep my boot on. I'm a whiny bitch. Also....very mannish". The boot is the least of that dude's problems. Courtney looks like she's pushing out a dump. I bet they did a gender test on Courtney and she failed.

Erin
The Mayor: Erin is looking very crack-head…and she wins it?
Ty: Damn!
The Mayor: Crazy! Well, she's good. I'll giver her that.
Ty: True, and I'd hump her, so I'll give her that (in my dreams)

Jennifer
Ty: How can you have a lazy eye and have people use you FUCKING FACE to sell shit?
The Mayor: Paris Hilton Syndrome aka A Case of the Ocular Lazies. Jennifer can't smile with her eyes because one is straight-up dead
Ty: She should go pirate
The Mayor: Jennifer looks very "me so horny! Me love you long time, GI. Licky licky sucky sucky". Also, I don't want to sound like someone's racist grandpa, but Jennifer's skin is really yellow
Ty: Whoa. You just stepped it up. Are you going to say that her head really does look like a zipper next?
The Mayor: What? I don't know what that means
Ty: It's a racist thing
The Mayor: What does that even mean?
Ty: ummm...? I got it from Gran Torino

Kara
The Mayor: Whoah - Kara looks straight-up Sears. She’s such a snore. When do we kick her off?
Ty: After they find Kara's self-amputated scrot swimming in a toilet bowl of blood

Laura
Ty: Man....the country bumpkin has some lips on her...she could land more than one load on those puppies
The Mayor: Laura smize’ing = thinking about Cracker Barrel's grits and hash brown casserole
Ty: I really don't see how anyone can take her seriously when she sounds like Dolly Parton
The Mayor: TAKE THAT BACK - Dolly is my hero
Ty: you take Dolly Parton seriously?
The Mayor: Yes, I seriously base my life off Dolly. She's the best. If I have a daughter, I will name her Dolly. It's also my grandma's name, so it works on two levels
Ty: Right - so I'll shut up about that now
The Mayor: Laura has definitely made out with a 1st cousin
Ty: and she's been to at least third base in a barn

Lulu
The Mayor: Lulu: that girl isn't handling that weave well…but she does look both cute and sexy in that shot. How does that happen?
Ty: Cause she's gay...that's how it happens

Nicole
The Mayor: Nicole has terrible legs. She's like a bow-legged peg-legged Ginger pirate
Ty: Nicole was good - she can be friends with me
The Mayor: You mean friends with your ween, right?
Ty: That's what I mean every time I say friends
The Mayor: I WANT WANT WANT Nicole's hair. She's a human turd, but I want her hair.

Rachael
Ty: Do you know how much eye juice would come out of Rachel's eye if I were to poke her with my ding dong? I could bottle that and sell to Africa
The Mayor: EW! Nobody needs it in the eye.
Ty: I bet Rachel does
The Mayor: I can’t believe Rachael went home. She actually had a chance. That's so weird that they would boot her before Bianca or that other black girl who's name I can never remember...Ashley?
Ty: Oh no. 'Some sort of personality'.....harsh.. true....she did have potential. She's going to have issues after this...sunglasses....everywhere, all the time....that'll be her thing

Rae
- no comments for Rae this week. Meh

Sundai
The Mayor: Sundai - cute. Too cute. Cute doesn't work for me.
Ty: She's 5'3 - she has to be cute...it's her thing
The Mayor: Sundai is very Chili from TLC
Ty: Is she the dead one?
The Mayor: No, Left Eye is dead. Although the other 2 have dead careers, so....

The Mayor: And here's to Jay looking like Jon Gosselin mated with Pride Day...

Ty: horses! see....I know...I picked the theme out before we even got started. NUDE! I'm going to be okay.....trust me
The Mayor: Good call. Also, isn't that a thing - girls popping their cherries while riding horses?
Ty: I've heard about this
The Mayor: Your dick is going to break from pressure

The Mayor: WHAT? Lauren Conrad? Shit - this is getting ultra-ghetto
Ty: oh, and buy the way here's L.C., who had nothing to do with show at all
The Mayor: By the way here's LC who needs a paycheque
The Mayor: LC is like "remind me to send my agent a muffin basket for keeping me relevant"
The Mayor: Alright, next week. "Put your eyebrows down" - I AM USING THAT
Ty: If I hear someone say smize during this next week, I will club them with my cock. I'm guessing you'll say that that won't hurt at all
The Mayor: You're like "I need to club them with my cock, because I'm starting to get carpal tunnel and I need to give my wrist a rest"
Ty: Or that

There's a fucking freeloader at my house and I want them OUT

noreply@blogger.com (The Mayor) — Sun, 13 Sep 2009 01:28:00 +0000

We have a little saying at my house:

Actually, I'm lying: I never even heard of that poem till I found it on a decorative plate at Value Village for $0.50, but it works, so I ain't gonna fight it. Right now I have a shitty living situation on my hands, and I am not sure how to deal with it. Wait, before I get to that, I should probably tell you about the house I live in so you can get a better idea of what I am dealing with. I have two room-mates, both about the same age as myself. I would like my own place, but as anyone who lives in a big city knows, rent ain't cheap (especially not in Toronto, where decent 1-bedroom apartments rent for $1200/month). And co-habiting isn't so bad; our house is huge, so we barely ever see each other. We have a two-storey home in The Beaches, a really quiet, small neighborhood in the east end of Toronto. It may not be the coolest neighborhood, but it's safe and quiet and our rent is fairly cheap and our house is nice and clean, so no complaints.

So yeah, there has always been three people in our house, up until about 1 month ago. Now we have three gainfully-employed, rent-paying room-mates and one unemployed, mooching degenerate. Fuck him. He eats our food, is fucking filthy, he's swarming with a shit-ton of diseases, shits wherever he wants, and his only job is to piss me off. He moved in without asking and we are having a hell of a time getting rid of him. I think he's been here long enough to claim squatter's rights (pfft...typical). Now, this would be where I would make a joke about how I'm obviously describing my out-of-work, bum of an ex-boyfriend, but I just can't; you could at least call the cops on someone like that. Maybe take up your shit with Judge Judy. But what I'm describing is way worse than a freeloading guy. People, this is Def Con 5...we have a mouse.

Editor's Note: For all the assholes giving me a serious case of the side-eyes right now and mumbling some catty shit about me over-reacting, well you can shove a mouse up your ass, because having a mouse in your house is fucking nonsense.

I first noticed the mouse in the garbage. He was perched on the side eating the remains of a sandwich (hey, no judgment - we've all been there). So I hopped on my bike and rode down to the little hardware store to buy a snap-trap. I wish I could say that I chose the snap-trap because I knew what I was doing, but really it was just because I am cheap and wasn't willing to eradicate the mouse with anything over $1.50. The saddest part was that I had to get the guy to show me how to set it a couple of times, and he kept setting it off with his fingers. He was the sweetest Korean man and every time he would set it off, he would go "okay, okay, rets try dis again..." and I would go "NO! It's cool, I got it! You're going to break your fingers!" And then he would put up his hand in the "Oh, but I insist" way, and would proceed to set it again, and snap it again on 1 or 2 fingers. "OH! OW. You think you get it, and then it snap on you, and it hurt so much...so, so much...okay, rets try dis again".

So I went home, set the trap, baited it with peanut butter, and left it behind the trash can under the sink. The next morning I checked to see that the trap was okay and that it hadn't flipped itself or gotten set-off by someone throwing some garbage in and missing the can. I found the trap flipped-over, and was instantly pissed-off. "Fuck me, can't people in this house be more careful?" Then I looked closer and saw a foot. HELLS TO THE YES, BOBBY B!!! I caught the mouse! Now, the obvious thing to do would be to put on some gloves and pluck that furry bastard from his wood-and-wire hell, but I like to do things in the most difficult, intrusive way possible. So I called my only male room-mate to dispose of the body. He's originally from Brazil, where I hear they have cockroaches the size of your shoes, so I didn't think he'd mind handling a tiny dead mouse. He obliged, but winced through the whole ordeal like a 50's housewife. After Betty Draper had thrown out the mouse, I re-set the trap with some more peanut butter and left it again behind the garbage can. You know, just in case one of the mouse's bereaved family members decided to seek vengeance on me. Weeks passed, no more mouse. Home free!

This brings us to this morning. I'm sitting on my bed watching zit videos on YouTube (as I usually do on Saturday mornings) and I see a shadow pass by my dresser. I lean down to check it out, as I am sure it was a mouse (but I want to be sure) and sure enough this shit-for-brains mouse is staring at me from under my dresser. I tried to catch him, but he ran. He ran all around my room, and then hid behind a bookshelf. I frantically pulled the shelf out to get him, trapping him on both ends with the large rock I use as a door stop and my collection of very heavy VICE magazines. As it turns out, mice can hop over things, and he hopped over the rock and ran into my room-mates bedroom. I followed him in and watched him scurry into his hole like the cowardly little bastard that he is. I wasn't sure what to do, so I stuck the vacuum down the hole and tried to suck him out. FAIL. Didn't work. So I just patched the hole with silly putty until I can think of a better solution.

I went on with my day. I made lunch, did some laundry, worked for a bit on some editing work. Then around 8pm I saw another shadow from the corner of my eye in the kitchen. This time, the mouse ran from the fridge to under the dishwasher. Fuck mouse, why you joke me?? I double-checked the trap under the sink and found it set, but totally stripped of any bait. What? Did the mouse do that? I re-set it, of course, but what if he does it again? In case you were wondering, this is what the set-up looks like:

Look, I don't pretend to know anything about mice and their social acceptance of proper habitats, but does this not look like the mouse ghetto to you? Any mouse hanging out around here is definitely either a drug-dealer or a schizophrenic or something. Definitely a mouse who was dealt a shitty hand in its youth, that's for sure. Anyways, I'm crossing my finger that the trap gets him, but there is a good chance it wont. What if the mouse is wise to my game? What if he is allergic to peanuts? What if he is extremely malnourished and he isn't heavy enough to spring the trap? I know that I should be exploring a few other avenues in order to rid myself of this unwanted house-mooch, so I did a little research. Here is what I have so far:

Problem: There's a mouse in my house!
Solution: Buy a cat
Okay, so when I first moved in to this house, we had a tabby named Rick James (see post on outing my neighbor's cat). His owner was my room-mate Shannon, but then she decided to move out and take him with her (obviously). Anyways, while we had Ricky, we never ONCE saw a mouse. Now, I don't know if it's because he would catch them and eat them, or because the mice just instinctively knew there was a cat nearby, but we didn't have a mouse problem. So the obvious solution would be to get another cat; yeah, you would think that, but allow me to present this equation to you:
Mooches food + tears up your shit + dumps in the house = Mouse
Mooches food + sheds hair on your shit + dumps in the house = Cat
See what I mean? It's like I'm replacing one crappy animal with another, except that when you go on vacation, you don't need to beg a friend to house-sit the mice.

Problem: There's a mouse in my house!
Solution: Put down some glue traps
Okay, so before I have the PETA people on my ass, I would like to stress that I don't like to see animals die. Don't get me wrong - animals are tasty and make for great car interior material and, if properly prepared, their penises cure what ails ya, but I do not like watching them die. This is why I like snap-traps; because by the time I get to them, they are already up in Rodent Heaven, scampering around with Jesus and Stuart Little. Glue traps aren't as gracious; they make you hear the mouse die. GROSS...but very effective. All the mouse needs to do is run over the trap (they can't see it - it looks like the floor) and they get stuck. Well, sometimes they are feisty and they rip their own feet off to escape (that's some Rambo shit). But 9 times out of 10, they just wait there for you to come and drop a boot or a can of Chunky soup on their heads to put them out of their misery. Now, you all know that I love gross stuff, but I am not sure if I could kill a mouse with my own bare hands.

Problem: There's a mouse in my house!
Solution: Remove it in the most humane way possible
Um, are you fucking kidding me? NEXT.

Problem: There's a mouse in my house!
Solution: Rat poison
This is apparently a nearly fool-proof plan because Warfarin is like surf-n-turf to mice, so they will always ALWAYS run and gorge themselves on it. So that's the upside. The downside is that they then run back to their homes to lay on the couch with the top button of their pants undone watching re-runs of Seinfeld...where they die. The bad part is their homes are never right in the middle of your kitchen floor, where you can see them, but in the walls. And these motherfuckers STANK. One time I had a mouse die in my bedroom wall and it smelled like someone had put potpourri sachets of feces in my underwear drawer and lit my dresser on fire. Using Warfarin to get rid of the mice is like making a pact with the Devil; he'll get rid of the mice, but there's always a catch.

So yeah - if you can tell me how to get rid of the mice (mouse, mice...there's definitely more than one of those assholes) then please, PLEASE leave your suggestions in the comments, or email me at skipraid@gmail.com

Whoever gives me the best mouse-massacre'ing suggestion will win a prize. I haven't decided what the prize will be yet, but in all likelihood, it's gonna be a dead mouse. Goodnight everybody!

America's Next Top Model, Cycle 13, Little People, Big World edition: EPISODE 1

noreply@blogger.com (The Mayor) — Thu, 10 Sep 2009 03:01:00 +0000

Hello ladies and welcome back to another cycle of Americaz. Next. Tawp. Mawdull. With me as always is the noted fashion photographer, Missssster Ty from Tyland, and our newest friend - a Costco-sized bottle of Dayquill (so I can Irish up my coffee). Anycripplingdrugaddiction, this week we were given A Very Special 2-hour ANTM chock-full of auditions, eliminations, and...well...whatever this is:

In the words of Barney Stinson: Thanks for playing; see you never.

Ty: So, here's a preamble....I'm predisposed to not like any of these bitches. I have bizarrospanno syndrome - tall girls make my urethra flutter, short girls not so much
The Mayor: Fuck this...I'm glad I'm 5'11. Fuck you 5'7 cholos
Ty: Yeh! Short is shit
The Mayor: Amanda is gross with a capitol G. Sundai is my FAV right now!!!!

Ty: Sundail? Does she tell time? I wish they would make them blow a banana or receive a motorboat or something.
The Mayor: EW! I was hoping you would have gotten laid this summer so that we get 100% less "I want __ to suck my ____" comments
Ty: You hoped, I hoped and we all failed....bring on the sexual comments!
The Mayor: What’s with all this Crying for Christ garbage?
Ty: You mean Christ doesn't make you cry?
The Mayor: He does. My vagina cries for Christ. That was VERY rude
Ty: No, that wasn't rude at all...I love to picture crying vaginas
The Mayor: I bet you do
Ty: I should make a pledge to not talk about vag so much during our chats
The Mayor: Jennifer is really pretty

Ty: Is she? I have no meter for Asian women...sorry. Does that make me from Uxbridge?
The Mayor: Really? I though white guys loved Asians. Fuck, Courtney is Kate Gosselin on crutches

Ty: Oh good Jesus loving virgins...she does
The Mayor: Sundai is fantastic. I would be friends with Sundai
Ty: Sundial has ISSSSSSUES. Does that mean she's easy?
The Mayor: Sundai needs the Tyra show. Cry girl, cry!!! Sundai would love to let you stick the tip in
Ty: Emptiness that can be filled with, oh...I don't know...some sort of phallic object?
The Mayor: Lulu didn't strike me as a lez
Ty: Naw, true....she doesn't have a 'I love the poon' vibe

The Mayor: Nicole sat by herself because she is a Debbie Downer
Ty: I paint at three in the morning? Good for fucking you Emily Carr.

The Mayor: Oh...em...gee....that country girl is like a Loretta Lynn minstrel show

Ty: Oh god...it's a broken foot...stop milking it like my prostate....if it was a diabetic amputation, we'd maybe feel a little more sympathy. 'I really wanted to walk' try telling that shit to the quadro 12 year old watching this show and crying into their wheelchair arms
The Mayor: YES! MAKEOVERS!!!!
Ty: Why are they blowing their load like a 13 year old with Cinemax left alone for a couple hours? Makeovers make the first couple episodes worth watching. Ty Over....that's what you call it when I fall asleep on your couch after 12 beers an you don't have the guts to wake me up
The Mayor: Erin looks like Celia
Ty: Which is not good

The Mayor: Sidebar, I think Erin also looks like Slutty McKevin Spacey-Fucker herself, Mena Suvari.

The Mayor: Oh shit, Courtney looks like Seth Green
Ty: I'm sure every woman wants to hear that they look like Seth Green

Ty: Man...there's a shit lot of eyebrow dying going on here
The Mayor: Country Girl is getting purdy

Ty: Kara has chest hair
The Mayor: You're just jealous. Oh my god, Laura is the BEST! I love that denim outfit she just held up. GIVE. TO. ME
Ty: Required hot tub scene!
The Mayor: Cue Tyler's 30-minute erection
Ty: Boiiiiiiiiing
The Mayor: It's more like "errrTHUD" Can't. get. it. up
Ty: Well, according to my inbox, that's what happens
The Mayor: Kara reminds me of Brooke Sheilds

Ty: Blue Peengoon? She also has a Denise Richards thing going on.

Charlie Peen?
The Mayor: That's amazing
Ty: There's a fruit bat on ANTM!!!! The Fruit Bat will haunt my dreams in the wrong way.

The Mayor: Bianca - "still waters run deep" - what is with this Maya Angelou shit?

Ty: Why, cause she's black? Why not Emily Dickinson....fuckin racist
The Mayor: I'M NOT A RACIST!
Ty: That's the first thing that raging racists say. Oh Nigel....the man I wish I was (gave you an assist there). Go ahead and say 'the man I wish was inside me'
The Mayor: The man you wish was power topping you
Ty: That sounds like it would hurt
The Mayor: Hurt something good
Ty: You said it sister
The Mayor: I wish I had an accent like Laura
Ty: I hate Kate Gosselin's hair and everything else about her
The Mayor: I know, she is THE. WORST
Ty: Women with 'product' in their hair is up there with comb-able arm hair and an adam's apple on the list of turn-offs. So who's going home?
The Mayor: I think Bianca or Courtney
Ty: My money's on Bianca
The Mayor: Okay, besties!!! Rae - of course

Ty: Brittany was math slutty....she loves the right angles in her rhombus

The Mayor: She loves to coSine a rhombus
Ty: Lisa, thanks for coming back so we can boot you and your eyebrow monsters back home again

The Mayor: Oh Lisa....nice to know ya, see you never. Lisa, there's always Hooters
Ty: But she's ethnic!
The Mayor: Los Hooters?
Ty: That's better

Editor's Note: Oh, and this is Ashley. She was very boring this episode and no one cares that she was in it. Ho to the Hum.

America's Next Top Shawty

noreply@blogger.com (The Mayor) — Tue, 08 Sep 2009 21:03:00 +0000

Okay, first off - are you looking at this fuckery? What in Inspector Gaga hell is going on here? Ugh, and you KNOW some dumb Pussycat Dolls-loving moron is looking at this going "Oh em gee - I would KILL for a trench'suit. I wonder if Guess makes them?" Well, Svetlana (I'm assuming this dumb broad's name is Svetlana), tonight at 8pm you'll get to find out! The long-awaited return of ANTM is finally happening, and I for one could not be happier. Cycle 12 was a dud, and don't even get me started on the shit-show that was Canada's Next Top Model...I just can't talk about it, it makes me too upset. I can imagine it's the same way a stressed-out parent approaches talking about a druggy son: just hanging their head in their hands and weeping.

So let's move on to better things. ANTM is finally in its 13th Cycle, but this one has a clever, wacky twist. The twist is that they will actually produce a model who gets work. AS TO THE IF, BOBBY B. As of right now, the most successful ANTM model is Adrienne Curry, and that doesn't say much. That's like saying "I had 12 gallstones removed, and one of them went on to be used as an example in an Everest College medical class!" No, the twist is that all the models are under 5'7. I know...file that under who gives a hot dump. So are you ready to hurl insults and pick apart each model like we always do? You betcha! Let's get started, we've got some uglies to bump!

Ashley, 22 years old / Occupation: Artist / Height: 5'6
Okay, here is my first beef with the ANTM models: in order to be a decent model, should you not have some kind of style? Ashley is just so boring to me. And bish plz, "artist"?? As to the if. Something tells me she either designs shitty greeting cards or paints sunflowers ("Van Gogh is just such an inspiration to me"). Ugh, I need to move on from this girl because she is giving me a major case of the sleeps.

Bianca, 21 years old / Occupation: Student / Height: 5'7
Dye homegirl's hair blonde and you've got Amber Rose 2.0. NOT A COMPLIMENT. Bianca is...um...I can't even describe her. She looks so lost, there are too many styles working here. Also, check this one for a penis, k? I'm pretty sure this is a dude.

Brittany, 21 years old / Occupation: Student / Height: 5'5
Ah, the Classy Cocktail Waitress look - so timeless. Whatever, this girl looks like she may get far. I could see her doing Guess ads or Forever 21 - I mean, that's nothing to write home about, but it's better than Old Navy and a kick in the ass.

Courtney, 22 years old / Occupation: Cheer Instructor / Height: 5'4
Cheer Instructor? Rolls eyes. You're a cheerleader, plain and simple. Hope you didn't burn any bridges with the Minnesota State Athletics Dept., because I have a feeling you will be crawling your old-ass back to them very soon (crawling with those massive shoulders and huge arms...what the hell?) Hey Courtney! Here's a cheer for you!
Someone run and tell Miss J
Bitch was born with a d-i-c-k
22 is too many years
If you're lucky you'll book Sears

Erin, 18 years old / Occupation: Student / Height: 5'6
This girl is straight-up Neutrogena. I wonder what her makeover will look like? Right now I'm not getting a feeling from her - she could either be Top 3 or a Dud.

Jennifer, 23 years old / Occupation: Model / Height: 5'5
1. You're not wearing pants.
2. YOU LOOK EXACTLY LIKE JON GOSSELIN
3. You're already a model?...chile, sit down with mama. Modeling ain't working out for you. It's time to quit, go back to school, get yo GED, maybe work as a paralegal's assistant. Get off the couch, go to Everest College.

Kara, 19 years old / Occupation: Student / Height: 5'7
Kara immediately gets -1000 points from me for wearing a shitty dress with an exposed zipper. SO. LAST. SEASON. Also, those boots? You look like a crappy cartoon character. Although she could walk right off my monitor and into a Marciano ad, so...I guess she's not that bad. Not good, but not bad either.

Laura, 19 years old / Occupation: Waitress / Height: 5'6
I would be DYING if Laura had done some amazing 70's styles instead of this cheap Wal-Mart get-up. How much is she reminding you of Sissy Spacek? And, since Sissy Spacek is one of my forever heroes, I like Laura. DON'T MAKE ME REGRET THIS DECISION, GIRL.

Lisa, 19 years old / Occupation: Student / Height: 5'5
Lisa is sassy and pretty, but remember how they don't like pretty? This could work against her. Also, she could be a one-trick pony - this could be her look. Hand on hip, head ghetto-crooked to the side, face that says "yeah, I stole that Starter jacket. And I'll steal like 7 more by the end of the week. Now what did I miss in History class?"

Lulu, 19 years old / Occupation: Student / Height: 5'7
Fix. Her. Hair. Other than that, Lulu will definitely be in the Top 3.

Nicole, 18 years old / Occupation: Student / Height: 5'7
OMG Nicole, I love your shirt! I had the same one in Grade 10! Remember when shirts like that were cool? And strappy sandals with jeans?!? So Britney Spears 2001. Are you being "retro"? You're adorable! You're like a little martian who doesn't know anything!

Rachel, 18 years old / Occupation: Customer Service / Height: 5'5
She kind of reminds me of a 1/2 black Emma Stone. Right? Kind of. She is different looking, but I don't think I could actually see her booking anything. If I saw her in a magazine, I would be like "Whoah! Did they fuck up the photoshopping on this girl or something? Because she looks really weird."

Rae, 21 years old / Occupation: Stay-at-home Mom / Height: 5'6
Stay-at-home Mom at 21? More like stay-at-home-poor-judgment-haver. Oh, and you shouldn't be on ANTM...you should be STAYING AT HOME BEING A MOM. Fuck, are you retarded?!? Your chance to fly around the world living the jet-setting glamorous life of a model flew out the window the minute you walked past the Smishmorshan Clinic.

Sundai, 18 years old / Occupation: Student / Height: 5'3
Sundai, save for the crappy spelling of her name, looks like a fun ball of messy. No makeup, hair that looks like a raggy weave; this bitch doesn't give a FUCK. And I like that. Plus, this girl is tiny-short, so you know she's going to be like an out of control terrier. I can't wait to see her go crazy on someone.

Gross Alert! Ear wax videos are the new zit-popping videos

noreply@blogger.com (The Mayor) — Thu, 03 Sep 2009 00:50:00 +0000

Hello friends! Here at The Skip-Raid we're big fans of gross stuff: zits, poop, butts, tonsil stones, etc etc, and you know I'm always in the mood for new gross shit. Well, this summer my love for zit-popping videos finally moved out of my basement and out into the world. I still have tonsil stone videos living at home, but the house still feels empty, so I decided to adopt a new gross-video genre to replace it (honestly, even I am no longer completely sure of what I am talking about anymore).

So I searched high and low and auditioned several types of gross-out videos. First there was bot fly extraction, which (dare I say it) was even too gross for me. I really just like gross stuff that naturally occurs in your body without living in Nairobi for 3 months. Bot flies - no good. Allow me to explain: a bot fly is a larvae that will insert itself into your skin. Then you have to remove it, which usually involves squeezing or pulling with tweezers. Then a long, stubby white-ish worm comes out. It's gross, trust; but if you really want to see it for yourself, just type bot fly into the YouTube search, and you'll have everything you've ever needed to know about parasites. After dabbling in stubby African worms, I tried getting to know our good friend MSRA/staph infection videos, but really - once you've seen one wound dressed, you've seen them all. After MSRA came cysts, at-home surgeries, eye infections. Nothing fit. Ingrown hairs? SNORE. Hammer toes? DOUBLE SNORE. Things were starting to get very bleak, until I got a double ear infection. THAT'S IT! Ear wax! Why had I not thought of it before? Ear wax is perfect, and the videos have it all: small cameras, little lights, close-ups, tweezers, hair folicles, crusty shit, crevices. SWOON.

So welcome to our introduction of Ear Wax Videos! And for the sake of my weak-stomached readers, I have added a gross-out rating to help you decide whether you should watch or not. I know, you can thank me later with a muffin basket.

Okay, this first one isn't so bad - it really looks the same as what comes out of a clogged vacuum cleaner.
How gross is it? I'd give this a 3/5. It's gross, but not so gross your gag reflex will get a workout.

This next one is more funny than gross; it's an at-home extraction (excellent) and it's more about the process and shirtless guys than gross wax. That isn't to say there isn't a great payoff at the end (also, from now on, every time I pop/extract something, I plan on saying "I made that!")
How gross is it? Oh my god, like a 1/5. Not gross at all, actually.

Okay, this one is pretty damn good; it looks like a demo from This Old House. Tear down the walls, boys!
How gross is it? Um....4.5/5. When they finally remove that huge piece, I actually yelled HAY'ULL NAW out loud.

This last one is a nice reminder that while we're stuck here in North America with crappy-ass Q-Tips, our friends in Japan can pay to have Soft-Spoken Technician-San gently massage the crap out of their ears. WANT.
How gross is it? Can I rate in the negatives? Of course I can - my blog, my rating system: -4/5. This is the opposite of gross; I actually felt very relaxed listening to it (plus, how happy is the guy at the end? Oh Japan - I love you).

Two words I bet you never thought you'd never hear to describe the documentary The Boys: HOLY FUCK

noreply@blogger.com (The Mayor) — Sun, 30 Aug 2009 15:29:00 +0000

About a week ago on CBC Radio 1 (I believe on Q, but I can't really remember) I heard an interview with two guys, Greg and Jeff Sherman. They were talking about a documentary they made about their fathers Bob and Dick Sherman, who wrote pretty much every song in every Disney movie during the late 60s/early 70s. I was starting to fall asleep during this interview, so all I really took from it was that it was 100 minutes about the guys who wrote It's A Small World. Later in the week I remembered that interview and thought "let's check what my good friends over at The Onion AV Club thought of it". Turns out they, and pretty much every other movie critic loved it, so on Friday night I crawled up to Yonge and Dundas Square (Toronto's shitty version of Times Square) and bought a ticket to see The Boys: The Sherman Brothers' Story.

Holy Fuck.

This was seriously the best movie I have seen in a long-ass time (and I saw The Hurt Locker, friends). This is a near-perfect film. I cried about 4 times during it, and left the theatre feeling really sad. These guys wrote some of the best movie songs of the 20th Century...wait, no, scratch that. Some of the best songs, period. But overall, it's an amazing story about two brothers who are super different, not friends at all, didn't speak to each other outside of work. Also they were bffs with Walt Disney and there is some BEYOND adorable footage of him in the film too (sidebar - can I get on a soapbox for a second? To all the people who talk about Disney being a multi-billion dollar evil corporation: go see The Boys. I think this movie was made for you. To remind you that you are a smug prick, yes, exactly).

Maybe I'm biased about The Boys: my favourite era of Disney films is definitely the late 60's/early 70's, when the films were really story-driven: One Hundred and One Dalmatians, The Sword in the Stone, The Jungle Book, The Fox and the Hound, The Rescuers, The Aristocats, Robin Hood. It just seems that eveything before that was very Princess-driven (aka Life sucks till you find a rich man) and stuff after was very slick (slick, but good - I won't hate on Beauty and the Beast or The Little Mermaid, which kick so much ass. Did I just say that The Little Mermaid kicks ass? Ugh, I think I did. Someone hand me an Ed Hardy du-rag to mop up my rediculousness).

Anyways, here are a few songs from the Sherman brothers' catalogue that are amazing and really adorable:

"Mother Earth and Father Time"
- Charlotte's Web
Quick fact: after Disney died, the Shermans started to hate Disney a bit so they left and went out to other studios. They scored Charlotte's Web, which is a great movie if you have never seen it. Also, I'm of course referring to the 1970s animated one and not the 2007 one with Dakota Fanning (lame). Anywhogivesashit, I LOVE this song; so much so that I would love to have it played at my wedding. This is the song Charlotte sings to Wilbur right before she dies. OUCH. My baboon heart - she hurts just thinking about it! I couldn't find the original from the movie, so instead please enjoy this crappy collage of fat-college-girl pictures of fairies and nature and shit.

"Feed the Birds"
- Mary Poppins
In the film they talk about Mary Poppins a lot - it was their most successful score - but I learned that Disney's favourite song (of any Disney song) was Feed the Birds. Oh. My. God. Could you pick a more depressing song to have as your favourite? Walt Disney was goth before goth was goth. Sidebar - Feed the Birds is a really beautiful song.

"Hushabye Mountain"
- Chitty Chitty Bang Bang
Oh hello, it's another amazing lullabye, courtesy of the Sherman brothers. I wanted to post this song as well to compare to Feed the Birds. They're essentially the same song, right? Well...yes and no. There's something inherently depressing about this one. Where Feed the Birds has a sort of positive, storytelling element to it, Hushabye Mountain is sort of bleak and hopeless. Am I being smart? Oh shit, I think I am. I better move on before this shit becomes a thesis paper.

"Let's Get Together"
- The Parent Trap
Okay, this song wouldn't be nearly as cute if it weren't sung by Haley Mills (aka Miss Bliss!) but this song still works. Also, how cute is The Parent Trap?? I need to start basing a lot more of my clothing style off that movie.

"Heffalumps and Woozles"
- Winnie the Pooh
Two words: FUCKING. SCARY. This song really freaked me out when I was little (I'm sure I'm not the only one). But now that I watch it 20 years later...it's actually pretty tame. Something else I learned? A Heffalump is an elephant, and a Woozle is a weasel. I'm slow.

"Everbody wants to be a cat"
- The Aristocats
TELL ME THIS SONG ISN'T AMAZING. Do it. I'll wait. If you can look past the very (ahem) gentle stereotyping of characters, you can see that it is a fantastic song. How can you argue with lyrics like:
Everybody wants to be a cat
Because a cats the only cat
Who knows where it's at

"Scales and Arpeggios"
- The Aristocats
This is just adroable.

"I wanna be like you"
- The Jungle Book
Find a kid out there who doesn't know this song. Exactly.

"Up Down / Little Black Raincloud"
- Winnie the Pooh
This is what I like most about the Sherman brothers: they were terrific at making sad lullabies (Feed the Birds, Hushabye Mountain), upbeat danceables (I wanna be like you, Higitus Figitus), and then sweet little short songs (Scales and Arpeggios). The work they did for the Winnie the Pooh series is just that: perfect, short little sweet songs. Little Black Raincloud is just too precious.

"Substitutiary Locomotion"
- Bedknobs and Broomsticks
Love love love this movie and everything about the songs in it too, but this song sticks out to me. I think it may be the same reason I like Let's Get Together: the person singing it. Who doesn't hate Angela Lansbury?? Who? A soulless bastard, that's who. I also like it because it seems like a b-side from Mary Poppins.

"Higitus Figitus"
- The Sword in the Stone
This was one of my FAVOURITE movies when I was a little girl. Yes, I said girl. I think all kids could related to Arthur: he was awkward, 12-years-old, not sure of himself. I really do weep when I think that The Sword in the Stone was replaced by High School Musical. Ugh.

"Me Ole Bamboo"
- Chitty Chitty Bang Bang
Without this song, we wouldn't have the song below. They are both near-perfect songs.

"A Bag of Weed"
- Family Guy

Conclusion: get out there and see The Boys as soon as you can. It's really terrific and way less of a waste of money than The Time Travellers Wife. Plus, the film is filled with great interviews by Julie Andrews, Dick Van Dyke, Debbie Reynolds, Ben Stiller, Roy Disney, Jonathan Landis, Leonard Maltin, etc etc, why am I convincing you? Go out and watch it!