The Smallville Files - Astonishing Tales

The Return Of Spike-iac

2008-02-28T00:00:00+11:00

Starring Clark Kent (Tom Welling) as Superlad, Lex Luthor (Michael Rosenbaum) as Sinead, Chloe Sullivan (Allison Mack) as TIAC, Jonathan Kent (John Schneider) as Bo, Martha Kent (Annette O'Toole) as Boring Old Ma, Lionel Luthor (John Glover) as Porthos and Lana Lang (Kristin Kreuk) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard.

Hang onto your hats, people (if you're wearing them. If you're not, hang onto the tops of your collective heads). This is one heckuva Smallville.

It begins with a recap of the last three seasons or so and then segues neatly into Bizarro-Superlad and Lana in bed, catching the morning sun, Maggie May-style. Of course, sunlight has a tendency to crumble Bizarro-Superlad's face (just as Rod Stewart alluded to), so rather than allow that to happen, B-S suggests that the pair of them breakfast in Paris.

"I'll fly you there myself," he says. And, presumably, rotate the Earth as he goes, to ensure that it's also morning in France.

"Kryptonians can't fly!" sneers Lana.

"You dismissive, ignorant sow!" retorts B-S. Or perhaps he just thinks this. It's hard to tell when one's yelling at the television screen.

Instead, Lana vows to make them a very special dinner. "Our own special Paris," she says, as if this makes any sense.

Bizarro-Superlad, baffled, suggests she returns to bed. She's so much prettier when she's not talking he finds.

"I guess I can spare two and a half minutes," she says, proving B-S's point perfectly.

They shag through the opening credits. Which by my count is only fifty seconds. But let's not split nits.

After the credits, Lil' Julian is introducing himself to Porthos. "Porthos, I'm a clone of your dead son, Julian. I was created by Sinead for reasons that remain unclear."

"Luckily, I'm precisely the kind of venomous old reptile who can teach you."

"No, no, no," says Porthos. "Where's the subtlety? The underplayed innuendo? The layers of meaning? You have a lot to learn about being a Luthor, Lil' Julian." He smiles evilly. "Luckily, I'm precisely the kind of venomous old reptile who can teach you."

Meanwhile, Lana's sitting in a room surrounded by computers, pretending she knows how to use them all. This is made more difficult because she's mixed Macs with PCs and Linux boxes. I think she even has a Wii™ in one corner. She stumbles around their various interfaces comically.

Bizarro-Superlad comes in. "Explain this week's plot to me," he says. For there is no time for dilly-dallying. Not this week.

"Spike-iac is back!" says Lana. "He's killing random homeless people."

"Just like Rudy Guiliani," says B-S.

"Yes," says Lana. "And, like the former mayor, he's sucking all the trace metals out of their corpses before moving on." She shakes the Wii™ nunchuk. Her Mac reboots. "Now," she continues. "I've averaged out the co-ordinates of all the dead bodies. I assume, without a shred of evidence, that Spike-iac must be standing perfectly still at that point."

"I assume that also," says Superlad. Because isn't there a writer's strike going on? Or is that over? It's so hard to tell.

He heads off and meets up with Spike-iac, who is torturing rats for our entertainment.

"You're not Kal-El," says Spike-iac. "You're just Bizarro-Superlad. Aren't you concerned about what he's going to do when he comes back to find you schtupping Lana?"

"Nah," says B-S. "He'll just move onto that one with the norgs. My real problem is this: the yellow sun has a tendency to turn my skin into stone. Sooner or later, even Lana's going to notice."

"You could consult Dr Dax-Ur," suggests Spike-iac. "He's a Kryptonian dermatologist who happens to live on Earth these days. To make an appointment, you need to activate that little shield thing that Superlad and Kara found back in that beauty pageant episode earlier in the season. Remember that?"

"No," says B-S, speaking for all of us.

Spike-iac then compares B-S to a mollusc. Which caps the scene neatly.

B-S heads off to visit TIAC and insists she help him find the shield. "You have access to the script for Episode Three, don't you?" he says.

"I'm kinda busy," says TIAC.

"Ha ha ha," says B-S. "Seriously, I need to find that shield thingy." He grabs her arm.

That's enough to make TIAC suspicious. She wonders aloud why B-S can't remember where he put the shield at the end of that episode. "You never forget anything," she says. "Your mind is like a titanium trap."

We don't even have time to wonder whether she means a trap made out of titanium or a trap designed to capture titanium, let alone in what sense Superlad's mind could compare to either of these items, before B-S snaps.

"Listen, bitch," he says. "Just tell me where the freakin' shield is, okay?"

Humph. Well. Nobody talks to TIAC like that (apart from Jimmy-James Olsen in the bedroom). She tells Superlad to talk to the hand, and after a good forty-five seconds of him taking her literally, the scene ends.

Happily, the next scene is one of Luthor sniping. Porthos and Sinead meet up in the mansion and show Lil' Julian how it's done. The layered meanings, the underplayed innuendo. The sniping and backstabbing. It's all there, people! It ends with Porthos declaring Sinead to be 'depraved' and 'lost'.

"Lost," says Sinead, rubbing his chin in what one assumes to be thought. For, after this season he'll have plenty of time for guest appearances in other, infinitely better written shows.

TIAC heads over to tattle about Superlad to Lana. "The Superlad I know wouldn't just forget about a shield from seven episodes ago!" she says.

"Really?" says Lana. "Maybe you don't know him as well as you thought." On one level, a typically bitchy response. And yet, on another, a fair point. Because, seriously, the Kryptonian kid? Not the sharpest tool in the Kent barn.

TIAC's not going to be outbitched. "Lana," she says. "Unlike you, I've been part of Superlad's inner circle for ages. I know when he's not himself. This is either silver kryptonite, red kryptonite, Bizarro-Superlad, mind-control, black krypton--"

She's interrupted by the return of Bizarro-Superlad, who tells her that he and Lana are leaving Smallville. TIAC, inexplicably upset by this, given that she lives in Metropolis, storms out.

"Fuck off, Bizarro-Superlad."

Lana and B-S discuss the friggin' shield some more, with Lana eventually suggesting he go look in the fortress for it. The SS Jor-El is not at all welcoming. "Fuck off, Bizarro-Superlad," he intones. "You are not welcome here." Which is certainly to the point.

B-S does so, and the SS Jor-El frees Superlad to go fight him. He zooms back to the Kent farm, where he tells Lana about the existence of Bizarro-Superlad. She, in turn, tells him (Superlad) that she slept with him (B-S).

"What was he like?" says Superlad.

But there's no time to hear the answer. B-S has gone back to consult with Spike-iac, who tells him the new plan. "I'll distract Superlad. You kidnap Lana."

"You're an advanced hyper-intelligent construct?" says B-S.

"Hard to believe, innit?"

Superlad, meanwhile, has popped in to see Porthos. "Porthos," he says. "Bizarro-Superlad is back. He's been living with Lana while I've been trapped in the Fortress."

"A 'hello' would be nice," says Porthos. But because he's the SS Jor-El's emissary, he fills Superlad in on how to defeat Bizarro-Superlad. "You need to hit him with blue kryptonite."

"That makes no sense," says Superlad.

"Also," says Porthos, ignoring him. "There's a Kryptonian dermatologist living on Earth. He sells blue kryptonite as a side-business. He's the one you need to visit."

"Why didn't you mention this other Kryptonian before?" asks Superlad.

"Ha ha ha," says Porthos. "There'll be plenty of time for reasonable explanations for my unfathomable actions later," he lies. He goes on to explain about the shield and how one activates it (you have to tap it three times and say 'There's no Kryptonian dermatologist like Dr Dax-Ur'). "Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go dine with my cloned, dead son."

"Of course," says Superlad, assuming that's some kind of euphemism.

But it's not. Because after Superlad leaves to badger TIAC (who, naturally enough, has stolen the shield), it's revealed that it's not Porthos at all, but rather Spike-iac in disguise.

Superlad, now armed with the little shield, heads off to visit Dr Dax-Ur. He declares Superlad's skin to be 'dreamy'. He also goes on to tell Superlad that he (Dr Dax-Ur) has a wife and kids and, uh, no powers, thanks to a hideous blue K bracelet.

He also mentions that he created Spike-iac. "This was a mistake," he confesses.

"No shit," says Superlad, tactful as ever.

Anyways, Dr Dax-Ur sells Superlad some blue K, and he heads back to Lana, who is in, uh, Green Arrow's apartment (?). Bizarro-Superlad is also there, so there's a scuffle. Eventually, Lana somehow gets hold of the Blue K. She admits that she's never been more in love than she has been with B-S over the last couple of episodes. So she kills him (B-S) with the blue K.

What can I say? The girl has issues.

That's more or less that. Except, of course, for Spike-iac tracking down Dr Dax-Ur, sticking a metal spike in his brain and stealing all his knowledge.

And, of course, Sinead organising for Lil' Julian to be executed after that previously mentioned dinner with Porthos. He toyed with a fishing boat execution but decided it was a little too Godfather 2. Also, might get blood in his tackle box. So, instead, he has a mugger shoot Lil' Julian and flee. Porthos falls to his knees and vows to fight crime dressed as a bat (I assume).

Sinead celebrates (how else?) by playing snooker with himself.

And any episode that ends that way earns an automatic A+.

Next week: The return of Green Arrow! Now, with added Black Canary.

Discuss this episode at KryptonSite

TIAC's Da Bomb!

2008-02-19T00:00:00+11:00

Okay, people. It's late February. Surely it's about time I took a look at the Christmas episode of Smallville, right? Sure, we've dealt with some Christmas rubbish in previous years (I mean, Lexmas?!?), but maybe this year'll be a good'un. I am nothing if not a cock-eyed optimist.

It starts well enough, with Lois and Lil' Julian Luthor (who remains her editor despite his newly revealed identity. Over eighty percent of newspaper reporters in Metropolis have at least two identities. That's a fact.) making out in a storage closet. Just as Lil' Julian is about to wield his 'blue pencil', Lois breaks off. "Now, can I just confirm that the only reason you're assigning me all the good reporting jobs is because of my reporter's nose. Y'know, rather than the rest of my awesome body."

"Hmm?" says Lil' Julian, eyes almost making it up to her chin. "Yeah. Sure. Whatever."

TIAC, meanwhile, is worried about the ongoing absence of Superlad. He's been missing for the past two weeks. Sure, that's one thing to be worried about. Another thing one might be a tad worried about is the fact that she has a bomb on her. This latter fact is revealed to Lois via an anonymous phone call, as a way of getting her (Lois's) attention. A little over the top, perhaps, but then, Lois is a renowned scatterbrain.

After the opening credits, we abandon the whole TIAC bomb thing for something infinitely better - namely, a Luthor sword fight! Guys, it's been too long. Porthos is sitting out this particular bout, but stepping up to the fencing plate is Lil' Julian. He and Sinead swirl their rapiers about with gusto before adjourning to distinctly un-rapierlike conversation.

"I don't think Lois should interview you," says Lil' Julian. "She's got some kind of special nose? Or a sinus infection?" He shakes his head. He should pay more attention to what Lois is saying, but, really, where's the incentive?

"I'm Sinead Luthor. I always find a way to win."

Sinead laughs Lil' Julian's concerns off. "Trust me, dude. I think I can handle the 'interviewing' skills of Lois Lane." He laughs some more. "I'm Sinead Luthor. I always find a way to win." Y'know, despite the evidence of about 900 issues worth of Superman comics.

Abandoning Sinead's unjustified overconfidence, we head back to Lois and her nose. She's talking to the guy on the phone, who is explaining that he's an escaped Luthorcorp clone. Also, he's ageing super-rapidly (just like Sharon Stone) and will be dead in a few days. He wants Lois to expose Sinead's failure to use moisturising lotion on his clones.

Lois looks around and finds some poor schmo on a phone. Reasoning that this must therefore be the bomber clone, she hits him on the head with a ridiculously large stapler, fracturing his skull.

"Deactivate the bomb!" she insists. But the schmo doesn't respond. His eyes have rolled back in his head. Blood is also coming out one ear. Lois presses the redial button on his phone and gets somebody other than herself. Oh, perfect, she thinks. She drops the schmo to the ground, straight onto a pair of scissors. Still, no time to worry about that now. Or, indeed, ever.

The clone calls her back and insists Lois finishes the story or else he'll blow up TIAC. Well, with Lil' Julian off fencing with Sinead, I guess somebody's gotta crack the editorial whip at the planet. And threatening to blow up the more useless employees is certainly one way to do it (right, Perry White?).

Back at the farm, Superlad returns. He and Lana embrace in front of a horse.

"Enough of this," says Lana, getting straight down to business. "While you were gone I had time to think about our relationship. I think it would be best if I just dropped my insane obsession with bringing Sinead undone. Ignore his criminal antics completely. Just focus on us."

"I completely agree," says Superlad. "I think we should team up and bring him down together."

So, whatever lesson the SS Jor-El was teaching Superlad for the past fortnight, it clearly had nowt to do with listening skills.

Nevertheless, Lana shows him some woman who was infected by some alien entity in an earlier episode. "She was exhibiting random, incoherent speech patterns--"

"Kinda like TIAC?" says Superlad.

"Only much worse," says Lana. Superlad shudders. Lana goes on to explain that she also had metal poisoning and antennae growing out of her head and so forth, so Lana quarantined her. Because Lana apparently runs a private hospital now.

Over at the Planet, Lois is trying to get a signal to TIAC. She writes a note to her, saying 'You're Da Bomb!'. TIAC smiles and gives her a thumbs up as she wanders over.

"I'm off to visit Superlad," she says. "He's just got back after being away for two weeks, so I'm sure he and Lana would welcome my company."

Lois reads a text message from the clone advising her not to tell TIAC about the bomb on her. Or else, 'KA-BM'. Oh, come on, thinks Lois. We don't have to shorten every word in a text message, do we?

"Are you okay?" says TIAC. "You seem odd."

"Nah," says Lois. "I'm peachy." Because, y'know, using the word 'peachy' in casual 21st Century conversation is not in any way odd.

"Well, I'll catch you later," says TIAC.

"As long as you don't explode," says Lois, hoping this subtle hint might get past the bomber clone, but still be sufficient enough clue for TIAC to unravel.

"Exactly," says TIAC. "I'm da bomb!" And off she scoots.

Straight into an elevator where she is joined by Jimmy-James Olsen. The pair of them banter awkwardly. "So, Superlad's cousin's kinda hot," says Jimmy-James, before realising that might be a poor opening gambit.

Fortunately, TIAC trumps him with "Hmmm... I think I've got a bomb on me."

"And, then, for ease of plotting, the elevator stops."

And, then, for ease of plotting, the elevator stops.

Meanwhile, outside, the bombing clone reminisces about the memories that were implanted into his mind. Some gibberish about Christmas photos and family gatherings and so forth. Lois agrees that, if you're going to have memories implanted, they're kinda tedious ones to go with. Why not, for example, memories of the first couple of Godfather movies?

"But I have my own tedious, real family memories," she points out, unnecessarily rubbing in the 'real' aspect. "So please don't blow up TIAC," she concludes, without explaining what one thing has to do with the other.

"Only if you make Sinead confess to his cloning activities."

"Oh, come on," says Lois. It would be easier to just let TIAC explode.

Meanwhile, TIAC, for no clear reason, is standing on Jimmy-James' back and leaving a phone message for Superlad. Explaining about the bomb and wishing him a Merry Christmas.

"Why would you call Superlad before, oh, I dunno, 911?" says Jimmy-James. He is furious enough to 'accidentally' tread on her phone, destroying it.

TIAC makes up some bizarre lie to explain this (something to do with being philosophically opposed to SWAT teams and their overly phallic response techniques). Jimmy-James, typically dim-witted, buys it.

Lois is now interviewing Sinead. After a couple of powder puff questions (eg 'Where do you purchase your powder puffs?'), she gets down to both the nitty and the gritty.

"What do you know about Project Gemini?" she asks. "My sources tell me you run some kind of ant farm. Except instead of ants, it's humans. And instead of a farm, it's a lab. And instead of a source, it's a crazed clone bomber."

Lil' Julian interrupts. "That's hardly the kind of questioning we expect from a Daily Planet reporter--" Despite all the evidence to the contrary.

Sinead interrupts him. "I don't know what she's talking about," he says. "Except instead of talking, it's babbling. And instead of 'don't know', it's 'precisely know'."

He's about to explain everything, but the clone bomber, who is listening in on the conversation, but apparently not that closely, instead decrees that Lois pull a gun out of her handbag and aim it at Lil' Julian. "Unless you tell me what's going on," she says. "I'll kill Lil' Julian."

Sinead rolls his eyes. "Whatever."

Lois goes on to bore us all with the cloning bomber's tedious memories. Sinead, coming to the rescue of loyal viewers everywhere, knocks her unconscious with a conveniently placed Pulitzer.

The cloning bomber emerges from the shadows, armed with even more tedious memories and an anti-Pulitzer shield. Eventually, Lil' Julian realises that the cloning bomber has the same tedious memories he does. And, hence, that they're both cloned from the same DNA.

"You've aged terribly," says Lil' Julian, to the cloned bomber.

"I agree," says Sinead, and shoots him (the cloned bomber).

The cloned bomber dies, cursing his choice to not bring along an anti-bullet shield to accompany the anti-Pulitzer one. Out of spite, he detonates the bomb on TIAC.

Rather than explode the bomb instantly, however, it starts a sixty second timer countdown. Why? So TIAC can confess to Jimmy-James that she's a meteor freak. And he can kiss her in return. Because, hey, when you've got less than a minute to live, you'll kiss pretty much anything.

And, of course, the countdown timer gives Superlad sufficient time to superspeedily race to the elevator, tear the door open, catch the pair of them mid-snog, shake his head sadly at their mutually desperate choices, pick up the bomb and hurl it into space, where it explodes harmlessly (except for the passing helicopter, obviously).

And that's all. Sinead buys the Daily Planet to prevent Lois's story from running. Which is overkill, but, hey, when you're a bald billionaire, you can get away with a little overkill. It does, however, infuriate Lil' Julian, who demands to live his own life. Sinead ignores this demand, so Lil' Julian, uh, breaks up with Lois. Ha! That'll teach him? Jimmy-James and TIAC discuss her meteor freakiness and how it enables her to heal other people, at the expense of hurting herself in equal proportion. ("That's, like, the suckiest superpower ever," says Jimmy-James. "Agreed," says TIAC.)

Oh, and the Superlad we've been watching all episode (or, the nine minutes of screen time he actually had)? Was actually Bizarro Superlad. Turns out he real one's still trapped back at the fortress, in an ice prison. Lana? Cares not one jot.

And, once again, the Christmas episode brings my cockeyed optimism undone.

Next week: Onto some 2008 episodes.

Discuss this episode at KryptonSite

Zor-El With A 'Z'

2008-01-10T00:00:00+11:00

The episode opens with Superlad sitting alone at the farm, looking at a photo of his mother, pondering just how tedious that episode that featured her was. SBH wanders in, sprouting inexplicable lies about how awesome a surfer (!) Jimmy-James Olsen is, before disappearing up the stairs to her room. As she leaves, Superlad hears the voice of the SS Lara calling out to him.

"Help me, Superlad," she calls. "Please. Just let me have another guest appearance on your show. I will be much more interesting this time around."

Superlad, numbskull that he is, listens. He traces the voice to the barn and one of those damn Kryptonian crystals. He takes it to the fortress where the SS Jor-El gives him one of the usual lectures.

"He turns back to the hockey game on ESPN."

"Superlad," he says. "Remember your Kryptonian heritage. Don't succumb to human feelings. Yada yada yada." He turns back to the hockey game on ESPN.

But Superlad, stunning everybody, fails to listen. "I want to see another episode featuring the SS Lara."

"You fool child," says the SS Jor-El. "Last time around was awful, sending viewers worldwide to sleep, draining the energy of loyal chroniclers who had been watching the show from Episode One. Viewers who had sat through all of Season Four without complaint, Superlad. Season Four. Where Lana was a witch! And you want to subject them to the SS Lara, again?!"

"Sure," says Superlad. "Why not?" For he cares not a jot for the viewing public. Those implacable geeks!

He plunges the crystal into the Mother-Restoring Crystal Slot, and the SS Lara returns to life. "Hey, Superlad," she says. "You sure grew up fine and buff."

Superlad smiles. It's true. They embrace awkwadly, as the SS Zor-El watches mysteriously from the shadows.

We do the opening credit boogie and return to the Kent Farm where the SS Lara starts weaving her sleepy spell again. SBH emerges from upstairs and awkwardly embraces the SS Lara. "Hey, Aunt SS Lara. You're back for another episode?" She looks warily at the camera, apologetic dimples flashing all over her face.

"I certainly am," says the SS Lara. "Superlad rescued me from a crystal."

"But in doing so, surely that means the SS Zor-El was released also?" says SBH, shooting a concerned frown at Superlad.

Superlad senses the eyes upon him and stops buttering his toast. "Hmm?" he says.

"The SS Zor-El is dangerous," says the SS Lara.

"Mmmffrph. Sure," says Superlad, between chews. He swallows the crust. "Doesn't matter. It's three against one."

As the SS Lara wipes the Nutella™ off his chin, SBH looks into the distance, unconvinced by Superlad's proposed teamings.

And rightly so, for shortly thereafter, the SS Zor-El appears at the barn. "Hey, SBH," he says. "I had a feeling I might find you at this barn." More awkward embracing.

"I know you tried to kill your brother," says SBH, for she knows how to fire up a father-daughter reunion.

"I didn't succeed, though, did I?" says the SS Zor-El. "So I can't be that bad. Come. Let us be a family. You, me, the SS Lara and Superlad."

The music swells. SBH is swayed by the SS Zor-El's smooth tongue (not literally, people. That would be gross. I mean that she listens and believes what he has to say. Tch). "You used to sing to me as a baby," she says. "All the grunge classics. Oh how I loved your smooth rendition of Hunger Strike."

"And I shall sing it to you again, later tonight. Now, scoot off to the fortress, set up the karaoke equpiment and wait for me."

Off she scoots. The SS Zor-El moves onto the Luthorcorp building where he beats the snot out of Porthos Luthor. The reasons for doing so are unclear. It may be that he knows Porthos held the SS Jor-El's spirit for a bit. It may be that Porthos just needs the occasional beating to keep the season fresh. Either way, there's quite the pummeling. Before he can land the killer blow, however, Superlad shows up.

Superlad punches the SS Zor-El through the window. Ha, he thinks. Take that. He kisses his fist and goes to look outside. But the SS Zor-El flies up, up and away. Damn, thinks Superlad. Really must get onto that flying thing soon.

Superlad heads back to the farm and brings the SS Lara back to a random apartment building in Metropolis, where she'll be 'safe' from the SS Zor-El. To 'ensure' this, Lana also shows up.

"SBH sent me over here," explains Lana. "She said you might need my help."

Superlad cocks an eyebrow. Not bloody likely. "Actually, what I think she wanted was for you to meet my mother."

"Oh," says Lana. "Goodie."

"Lara, meet Lana," says Superlad. "And vice versa, of course."

"Lara?" says Lana. "Lara, Lana? Lara, Kara? Jor-El, Zor-El? For Krypton's sake, people, let's try a little bit more name differentiation here. This is not a... not a... what's that word puzzle where you change one letter at a time?"

"An acrostic?" says the SS Lara.

"No."

"The Jumble?" says Superlad.

"No." She gives him one of those evil Lana glares.

"A cryptic crossword?" tries the SS Lara again.

"Did you even listen to my description?" says Lana.

"Battleships!" tries Superlad.

"Oh, for fuck's sake."

Superlad leaves the two of them to have an awkward mother-in-law, daughter-in-law word-gaming tea party, but not before putting on a blue kryptonite ring the SS Lara gives to him. "It's Kryptonian tradition," she explains.

It's freaking hideous, thinks Superlad. But he wears it anyway. Because he's never had any issues with Kryptonite rings before. Right, kids?

He leaves the building, where the SS Zod confronts him and beats the snot out of him. Superlad, naturally, has no powers, thanks to the ring. He also can't get the ring off because he's retaining fluid. How embarrassing, he thinks, bleeding all over the place with fat fingers.

The SS Zor-El makes his pitch to Superlad. "Come on, kid. Let's conquer this world as a family. People complain much less that way."

"You're. Not. My. Family," spits out Superlad.

"Dude, I'm your uncle," says the SS Zor-El. And he flies off before Superlad can explain how he wasn't speaking literally.

The SS Zor-El flies up to the apartment, interrupts Lana and the SS Lara's awkward tea party. (Sample dialogue: "Lana, fight your dark side." "But SS Lara, I'm not as strong as you." "You were last week. You had superpowers like nobody's busi-- Anagrams!" Heavy sigh. "No.") Lana tries to stop the SS Zor-El from kidnapping the SS Lara. She is thrown into the wall for her temerity.

Superlad takes her to the Lana Ward of Smallville Hospital and then heads back to the farm. He tries to grind the ring off his finger. TIAC shows up and suggests using soap instead.

"No!" says Superlad. "Never!!"

The SS Zor-El meanwhile has returned to the fortress, where he explains his plan to SBH. "We have to repopulate this planet," says the SS Zor-El. "I shall breed with the SS Lara. We are not blood relatives - our children will rule this world. You will breed with Superlad to produce idiot peasants to tend the crops and make us bitchin' capes."

"What about the Earthlings?" says SBH.

"Nobody breeds with the Earthlings. Especially that Jimmy-James Olsen. Dear God, girl. What do you see in him?" But before SBH can answer, the SS Zor-El starts switching over crystals in the Crystalline Eclipse Generator. "This eclipse I'm now generating will eradicate all the humans."

"How does that work?" says the SS Lara.

"Eclipses are awesome. Just ask Heroes."

"Enough of your lip, woman," says the SS Zor-El. "Eclipses are awesome. Just ask Heroes. If I say it will kill all the humans, then that's what it will do."

He heads back to find Superlad, so the breeding can start. But without luck. "I've searched everywhere," he says on his return. "Can't find him."

"Did you look properly?" says the SS Lara. "Or did you just have a boy look?"

Before the SS Zor-El can answer, SBH tries to stab him with a Kryptonian dagger. The SS Zor-El takes it off her and decrees that she spends five minutes in the Naughty Corner.

With no explanation as to how he got there, Superlad shows up with a piece of kryptonite. He knocks SS Zor-El down with it, removes the eclipse crystal and then, at SS Lara's insistence, destroys the crystal that brought the SS Lara and SS Zor-El into existence. They disappear, along with the power-removing blue kryptonite ring on his finger. Handy tip for ring-removers everywhere.

And that's the episode. Obviously, SBH wakes up in a foreign city with no memory. Because, y'know, Heroes did that too. Superlad returns to furious barn chores. "There's no need to beat yourself up," says Lana.

"Not with my super-invulnerability returned, no," agrees Superlad. "But I sure can give these hay bales a pounding." He demonstrates for far longer than most of us would deem sane.

Meanwhile, in a tedious subplot that only gets interesting at the end, Lois and her editor have been snogging all over the place. Lois worries that the editor's decision to hire her was based on hedonism rather than journalism. After consulting his dictionary, he claims this to be not so. They snog some more.

Despite this, both TIAC and Sinead (in a daring snooker scene, the likes of which we haven't seen for some time) encourage Lois and the editor (respectively, but how awesome would it have been in reverse?) to break up with one another. The pair of them pretend to do so, but not particularly convincingly with their post-break-up conversation littered with phrases such as 'keeping your pants on' and 'giving you a leg-up'.

But for those of you wondering why, in Luthor's name, Sinead would be advising the editor of the Daily Planet on romantic matters, the answer comes out at the end, with the revelation that the tedious editor up with whom we've been putting most of the season is, in fact, Sinead's brother. No, not the one from the Season Two episode, who remains conveniently forgotten. He is instead the one that allegedly died as a baby, forming the foundation of most of Sinead's psychological issues. I refer, of course, to Lil' Julian Luthor.

That would be a suitable cliffhanger, but the writers go for a different one. Namely, Superlad back at the fortress, getting yet another lecture. "I told you that another episode with the SS Lara would once more be tedious and dull. But you didn't listen. It is time you were taught a lesson."

Fade to black.

Next week: Superlad learns a lesson. My money is on Art History.

Discuss this episode at KryptonSite

Whole Lot Of Shakin' Going On

2008-01-04T00:00:00+11:00

So suddenly, and with scant warning, the Smallville Files arise from their slumber to document the goings-on of the seventh episode of the seventh season. Sure, it's about two months late, but what was I going to do? File it in '07?? Messing around with three sevens like that is a sure way to summon forth some kind of malevolent demon. Any half-competent numerologist will tell you that.

But now it's 2008 and I'm free to sally forth.

Speaking of freely sallying forth, Superlad and Lana are riding horses around the farm, wind blowing slow-motioningly in the breeze. Eventually they ride past a windmill. Lana pulls hard on the handbrake and Stompy screeches to a halt.

"Hey," she says to Superlad. "A windmill! Awesome!! Let's stop here."

Superlad sighs. Always with the windmills. But off he gets, for he is determined to show Lana a romantic time, and if windmills get her off, then so be it.

Lana is deeply suspicious. "You're being awfully nice today. Truffles. Champagne. Not heat-visioning my horse when I pulled ahead in the race. Usually when guys behave like this it means they accidentally wrecked your car or slept with your sister."

"You don't have a sister, Lana," says Superlad. Believe me, he's checked. "And you won't let me drive your car."

But Lana's no longer listening. She's busy gazing up at the windmill. "Aren't windmills the best!?" she hollers.

Superlad sighs again. If only there was a piece of kryptonite about so he could pass out and end this date. And lo! There is. He collapses happily. Lana goes to pick up the kryptonite and hurl it away, but as she does so, a storm starts, lightning hits the windmill and (as we've seen previously) the basic laws of electromagnetism transfer Superlad's powers to Lana. She catches the windmill and gloats her way through the opening credits.

"It makes windmills look like tedious spinning wheels."

After the opening credits finish, Superlad and Lana are racing around, now horseless, at superspeed. They re-emerge in the barn. "This is so awesome!" says Lana. "It makes windmills look like tedious spinning wheels."

Superlad, of course, is being a big 'let's be careful now' weiner. "Let's be careful now," he says to Lana. "These powers can be difficult to control."

"Don't be such a wiener," she says. "Let's have some super-sex."

"I don't think that's such a good idea," says Superlad. Before he can explain why (ie he finds Lana a bit creepy-looking these days), she's torn his clothes off and they're rumpy-pumpying all over the place, earthquakin' it up with their super-nooky.

Afterwards, Lana makes waffles back at the farm and wants to talk. Superlad does his best to stay awake. "I wish this happened a long time ago," says Lana. "Y'know? I always tried to guess what your life was like but there was a part I could never get close to."

"My little Man of Steel?" says Superlad.

Lana ignores him. Her voice softens. "No matter how hard I tried, I could never really know you," she says. She beams with joy. "Not until now."

Superlad assumes she's talking about 'knowing him' in the biblical sense and tucks into those waffles. "Uh-huh," he says, mouth full. "That was some mighty shaggin', all right. Pass the syrup, willya?"

TIAC bursts in, complaining about seismic tremors rocking Smallville.

"Probably us," says Superlad, idiot grin all over his melon. He explains to TIAC all about the lightning and the windmill and the kryptonite and the sexual marathon that naturally resulted. He goes into far more detail than anybody is prepared for.

"Eww," says TIAC. "But she should be careful. When SuperNerdling got superpowers, he went crazy. And that time Bo got them, he had a heart attack. And let's not forget Dr CunningLinguist, who got Kryptonian powers, then blew up in a barn full of nitroglycerine. You don't want that to happen to Lana, do you?"

Superlad hesitates in his chewing. "Which one?"

But it's too late. Lana's already dipping her toe into Lake Bonkers. She tries to explain it to TIAC as the pair of them have a girls' night out in the following scene.

"I wish you could feel what this is like," says Lana. "But you can't. Because you're ordinary. But if you could, you'd know that I've been given a gift and it's my duty to use these powers. I could break into any room, unlock any door, solve any mystery. You're always snooping around for your stories and stuff - if you had these powers, you'd use them all the time."

"But you're not a reporter, Lana."

There is a pause while Lana lets this sink in. "I may not be," she finally says. "But maybe... I am."

"Uh, no," says TIAC. "No. I'm really rather sure you're not."

"Fine. Be a bitch!" shrieks Lana. And she storms off.

Speaking of humans who borrowed the ol' Kryptonian abilities for a bit, let's look in on Sinead. He's talking to Dr Cleancut, one of his scientists, who has brought him a vial containing the remnants of Spike-iac's ship.

"Look," says Dr Cleancut. "It's evolved into a liquid."

Sinead peers in. It has. But it's never going to convince the Creationists. Still, the two of them have a bit of fun shaking the vial around and zapping it with electricity, seeing just how cranky they can make the liquid.

Very Cranky Indeed, is the final verdict. Satisfied, they lock it in a mansion safe, because they're pretty sure that will annoy the criminy out of it also. Lana, who has been watching all this from a room full of monitors, while dressed in black leather, runs over to the mansion, breaks into the safe and steals the Spike-iac Liquid. She attempts to coo it to sleep with a Kryptonian lullaby, but to no avail.

Instead, she takes it to The Daily Planet and offers the story to Lois and her editor. When neither of them is interested, Lana kicks Lois through a glass door with a superkick. "That's for being so much taller than me," she says.

Cut to Luthorcorp HQ, where Porthos is having phone sex with Senator Boring Old Ma. "Oh, Senator Boring Old Ma," he says. "Tell me more about your fillibustering." He listens intently, squeezing a rubber ball furiously. "That is truly remarkable," he moans.

Superlad wanders in. "Oh dear god," says Porthos. He hangs up hurriedly and turns to Superlad. "Thanks to your mother," he says. "We've finally got a senator who is going to put Kansas on the map!"

"No wonder our tourism industry is in such a sad state of decline."

"Whoa!" says Superlad. "Kansas isn't already on the map? No wonder our tourism industry is in such a sad state of decline." He punches his fist furiously, cursing those coastal cartographers.

He quickly recovers, however, and explains to Porthos all about Lana's superpowers and how he fears it may turn her to evil. "Oh Superlad," says Porthos, ruffling his hair. "You don't have to worry about superpowers turning Lana evil. I had the superpowers for a bit, remember? And I'm not evil." He laughs insanely. "Of course," he says, rubbing his beard. "Lana may already be evil." And he goes on to explain about how Lana had him locked in a wood cabin earlier in the season.

Porthos then compares the Superlad-Lana situation to that of Samson and Delilah. This obviously goes straight over Superlad's hirsute head. Nevertheless, he heads back to the farm to poke through Lana's stuff and see if she's ever taken a basic hairdresser's course.

He's interrupted by Sinead, who is chock-a-block full of the taunting. "a)," he says. "Lana's stealing stuff from me. b) She's using superstrength to do so. c) She's clearly still obsessed with me. d) She's also clearly been keeping secrets from you. e) You don't trust her either. f) I'm still a lot richer than you are." He then motors off magnificently in his Porsche.

Unfortunately, while he's busy barking orders to Dr Cleancut (Dr Cleancut insists on communicating via barking and Sinead is willing to tolerate this idiosyncrasy), Lana steps out in the middle of the road. Sinead slams on the brakes and Lana walks up the car bonnet, punching through the windshield and kidnapping him.

Superlad and TIAC, meanwhile, have broken into Lana's Isis Foundation where Superlad swiftly finds a back room full of monitors connected to dozens of secret cameras hidden throughout the Luthor Mansion, an idea she from the movie Sliver. She got several other ideas from Sliver, also, most of which caused earthquakes earlier in the episode.

"Tell me you didn't know anything about this," says Superlad.

"Trust me," says TIAC. "I didn't know anything about the La Femme Nikita hidden behind the facade of our Florence Nightingale."

"Prrfwhat?!" says Superlad, getting very confused now. "Who? Does this have anything to do with Samson and Delilah?"

TIAC ignores him, manages to hook into Sinead's mobile phone and hears Lana busting into his car. "What address will the next scene take place in?" demands Lana over the phone. Sinead tells her.

"Well, that's convenient," says Superlad.

He zips on over to the next scene where Sinead and Lana are having an inexplicable smooch and a debate about whether or not it is right for Sinead to track aliens for security purposes. Like most debates, it ends with Sinead invoking the story of St Paul and the road to Damascus and Lana therefore hurling him into a distant wall.

Superlad shows up. "Lana! What are you doing?"

"He started going on about St Paul and the roadies for Damascus," says Lana. "Do you know what he's talking about?"

"I think they're a heavy metal band," says Superlad. "Like Florence Nikita and the Delilahs."

"You're such a know-it-all!!" says Lana, furious. They have a fight. Lana kicks Superlad into some electrical wiring. Some kryptonite tumbles from a beaker. Superlad picks it up and Lana's powers are removed. She is electrocuted and dies.

Ha ha ha. Of course she doesn't die. But the Spike-iac Juice is loose!

And that's obviously all. There are a few scenes to wrap up. Lois and the editor of the Daily Planet make out, because it's been almost three weeks since Lois has made out with somebody.

Superlad and Sinead have a bit of a chinwag about how Lana's obsession with Sinead is stronger than her love for Superlad. He pulls out detailed charts that show the relative strengths to four decimal places. "See?" he says. Superlad can't make head nor tail of it, but pulls out some recent seismology charts as a counterargument.

And TIAC tells Lana that if she ever tries to hurt Superlad again, she (TIAC) will kick her (Lana's) butt. "You don't have superpowers any more, do you?" says TIAC. "No," says Lana. "Then I will kick. Your. Butt," repeats TIAC.

And finally, Sinead urges Dr Cleancut to find the Spike-iac Juice. "If we don't find it, we'll have a front row seat to the apocalypse," he says. "Darkseid's planet?" says Dr Cleancut. "No, that's Apokolips," says Sinead. While those two are bickering over homonyms, the Spike-iac Juice infects Dr Cleancut's assistant. So that's gotta be trouble, surely, Darkseid or no.

Next week: A much shorter delay.

Discuss this episode at KryptonSite

Kara Crash!

2007-11-08T00:00:00+11:00

There have been terrible episodes of Smallville before. You know it. I know it. The whole freakin' planet knows it (even people in places that have never seen Smallville. That's how bad they've been). But I fear there has never been an episode as skull-bustingly dull as the one most recently foisted upon us.

"But how, Indy?" you cry. "Doesn't this episode feature guest star Ms Helen Slater, the star of 1984's Supergirl: The Movie?" How can her interaction with the current incarnation of Supergirl, aka Smallville's very own Super Blonde Hottie, be anything but riveting television of Emmy™-award winning quality?"

To which I reply, "Did any of you see Supergirl: The Movie? Or did you just stand in the video store, smiling goofily at the pretty girl on the poster?"

I digress. Let's stifle our yawns and get into this episode. It opens in, I dunno, Kandor, which is crumbling around Zor-El and SBH. They speak in stilted, expositionary dialogue, filling in new viewers with SBH's Story So Far (ie sent to Earth to rescue Baby Superlad, frozen in a lake (just like Gene Wilder!), freed from the lake only to find Superlad grown up and handsome as all get-out, vows to fly around the world looking for a crystal and showing off her midriff).

We are jolted awake by SBH, back in the present day, bumping into a plane in mid-air before flying off into the opening credits.

We rub our eyes and move into the episode. TIAC brings Superlad up to speed on SBH's collision with the plane. The pair of them look concerned and squabble about whether or not Superlad should be responsible for bringing her back to Smallville.

Suddenly, Jimmy-James Olsen rocks up. "Hey, either of you two seen SBH? Boy, is that girl scrumptious!" Which is insensitive and oafish even for a TIAC ex-boyfriend.

"... Superlad's Kryptonian glance gets much the better of the exchange rate ..."

Superlad and TIAC exchange glances (thanks to the falling US dollar, Superlad's Kryptonian glance gets much the better of the exchange rate).

"What's the matter?" says Jimmy-James. "You guys look weird."

Superlad snorts. "I don't look weird. I look buff." He flexes a bicep as he points to TIAC. "She looks a little weird, yes."

TIAC ignores Superlad's latest cruelty and explains to Jimmy-James that SBH is in Washington. Jimmy-James opines that she may well be doing 'the tourist thing'.

"Nobody does tourist's things on my watch," says Superlad.

"You don't even wear a watch," points out Jimmy-James.

"Wait a second," says TIAC. She stares at Jimmy-James. "You know something," she says, despite the evidence of the previous minute and a half of dialogue.

So Jimmy-James lets it be known that SBH is off to Washington to find the crystal that was stolen from her spaceship. Jimmy-James goes on to explain how he knows this, by recounting most of episode five in laborious detail.

We doze off for a bit and wake up to find Superlad and Porthos embracing awkwardly. Superlad lies to Porthos about which side of the family SBH comes from (he says she comes from the left-hand side of the family). Porthos responds with some hastily concocted lies of his own (some gibberish about protecting Superlad from the government).

We cut to a government lab where government scientists are studying SBH's crystal. Head Nerd Scientist reports on the chemical structure of the crystal.

"It contains beryllium, aluminium sulphate, traces of cocaine, recycled cardboard and... seven percent unknown."

"Well, that's ominous," says The Special Federal Agent In Charge Of Examining Extra-Terrestrial Crystals Recovered From Spaceships.

Before Head Nerd Scientist can explain to TSFAICOEETCRFS that the seven percent unknown portion of the crystal was due to him losing interest in analysing it, Sinead bursts in. He makes some ludicrous threats to TSFAICOEETCRFS (something about getting an easier to remember nickname) before storming back out again.

The whistle blows. "Yabba dabba doo!" shouts HNS, and he heads off to the pub to get wasted. SBH is waiting for him and effortlessly fogs up his glasses with her smoulderingly subtle seductive wiles.

"Want to do the nasty?" says SBH.

HNS nods like an idiot.

"Then tell me everything about any crystals you may have been examining in the past few days," says SBH. "I find that so hot."

And HNS spills everything (including his mid-strength beer!). SBH leaves him in the lurch, zipping off to his lab, where the crystal is missing!

Just when it seems we might stir into full wakefulness, Lana and TIAC have a scene together, where they discuss the fact that Lana's opened up a 'Shelter For Meteor Freaks And Assorted Superpowered Weirdos'. They discuss endlessly whether or not Lana should tell Superlad about the shelter. One is hard-pressed to understand why she would bother, given that Kryptonians don't need to sleep.

"Back for some more horn-rimmed lovin'?"

We wake back up to find SBH confronting the Head Nerd Scientist again. "Hey baby," he says, showing off to his friends. "Back for some more horn-rimmed lovin'?" He giggles like an idiot and high-fives another dork.

"Where's the crystal?" demands SBH, lifting him up against the wall.

"She's so hot for me," shouts HNS back to his friends. One of them runs over and low-fives him.

Before this scene can degenerate any further, Superlad shows up and insists that SBH put him down and come outside to squabble about the crystal and Zor-El and the Martian Manhunter and that plane she almost ran into before the credits and family bonds and at what point one should conceal one's navel.

When we wake up, it seems that SBH's flown away and got herself captured by TSFAICOEETCRFS, who wields kryptonite handcuffs for just such an occasion.

He straps her into that remembering machine from Season Three. Remember that? No? Well, you need to settle into the remembering machine and take a trip back.

She starts remembering a time she came to Earth back in Season Negative Two, and bumped into Superlad's Mum (The SS Lara, played by the previously discussed Helen Slater). Our eyelids grow heavier, heavier, heavier with every passing second of this scene until finally... we're fast asleep.

And by the time we wake up, the episode's all over. Some fragments of the episode tantalise us at the edge of our dreams. Zor-El trying to seduce the SS Lara (ew, creepy), the SS Lara hiding a Polaroid™ of herself behind a photo of Boring Old Ma (ew, tedious) for reasons that aren't at all clear and Porthos showing up to save the day by shooting the bejeezus out of TSFAICOEETCRFS with a sawn-off shotgun (take that, ya overly-long acronym).

But that's about it, really. I assume Jimmy-James continued to taunt TIAC by overtly flirting with SBH, because, heck, why would you ignore such comedy gold. And I vaguely recall Sinead and Porthos having one of their understated threat-a-thons, with all the unmitigated evil that invariably brings. Sinead reveals that the much-ballyhooed writer's strike that may end the season early is all part of his plan to leave the show ASAP.

And, of course, it turns out that Superlad's stolen the crystal because it has the SS Lara's DNA inside it, which makes it a collector's item! He pops it in a mylar bag.

Boring, boring episode. I give it multiple Z's and try to summon sufficient energy for...

Next week: Captain Caffeine!

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Lana Does Something Interesting

2007-10-30T00:00:00+11:00

It will surprise none (ie all) of you to hear that Hollywood has come to their senses. Rather than shoot a movie version of the fictional comic book Warrior Angel in some kind of fully equipped studio, they've opted for the artistically 'unusual' alternative of shooting it on the, uh, Kent farm.

Obviously.

TIAC has been given some ludicrous explanation for this decision, but even she can't bring herself to convey it. Instead, she reminds loyal viewers (and, more particularly, the less loyal viewers who haven't kept track of this kind of minutia - for shame!) that Warrior Angel is a comic book in the Smallville universe with implausibly close parallels to Superlad's own story.

For example, Warrior Angel has a girlfriend who tantalises us all by getting herself into deadly situations without actually dying. This extends to the actress who plays her, who drives off in a car at the end of one scene. But not just any old car - one of those pesky ones with no brakes.

She starts to scream. "Oh, come on," says TIAC. "A car accident? This isn't Season One." But Superlad's already zipped to her rescue, catching her as the car explodes around her.

And we dance to the opening credits.

"Why Lana got the screaming edition, he'll never know."

Next day, Lana brings the paper out to Superlad. "Superlad Kent saves movie star!" screams the headline. Why Lana got the screaming edition, he'll never know.

"Y'know, after seeing those kinds of headlines over all the years, you'd think I might have worked out your secret sooner," says Lana.

"But then again, you're not very bright," says Superlad.

Lana nods in agreement, as Superlad is summoned to visit Movie Lana on set. It proves as unedifying and dull as visiting the real one. Happily, TIAC shows up to liven things up by revealing that somebody jimmied the accelerator and cut the brakes.

"Jimmied the accelerator?" says Superlad. "Gotta be Jimmy-James Olsen, then. Mystery solved." He leans back and eats a croissant.

TIAC ignores him. "Somebody's trying to kill you, Movie Lana," she says.

Superlad snorts. Good luck.

Over at the Daily Planet, Lois Lane and Editor Smarmy are squabbling about the Luthors. Lois has discovered that Luthorcorp has bought a whole heap (1 whole heap = 32.4 acres) of land around the dam from last season's finale.

"This is the true Sinead Luthor," says Lois. "Forget his recent charity work and assorted philanthropy. The real story is in this nefarious, um, purchase of land."

"This is the most boring story lead in history," says Editor Smarmy, and forbids Lois to get involved lest ratings plummet to all new lows.

But there's little chance of that, because look who is making his triumphant return - Porthos Luthor! He's regained consciousness, strapped into a bed, Misery-style by a crazy woman named Marilyn. It is unclear whether this is supposed to be the 80s pop singer who gave the world Calling Your Name but I'm going to assume it is.

"Why didn't you take me to a hospital, Marilyn?" asks Porthos.

This might seem a reasonable question to you and me. But not to Marilyn, who is all affronted, and insisting Porthos write a new novel that brings Misery Chastain back to life.

"I think you've got me confused with somebody else," says Porthos.

But Marilyn won't listen. Also, Porthos has a bear trap on his arm, so if she has confused him with somebody else, it may well be Yogi Bear.

Back at the Kent Farm and Movie Lana is 'rehearsing' a scene with Superlad. It's a scene where she pushes him to the ground and smacks a wet one on him. Superlad's not having any of this. One sex-crazed Lana is more than enough.

Speaking of the original Lana, she shows up and breaks up the Movie Lana-Superlad clinch. "I didn't realise Movie Lana was staying here," says Lana.

"I figured that's what we do every time somebody tries to kill you," explains Superlad. "We move you into the farm. Might as well shovel her in as well. With SBH flying around elsewhere this episode, we have to keep the babe ratio up. Right?"

He winks at the camera. Lana ignores him and offers instead a theory as to why somebody's trying to kill Movie Lana.

"Oh!" says Superlad, surprised. "We need a motive?"

"Lots of people are unhappy with this movie version," says Lana. "Y'see, they've kept mostly faithful to the comic book version... but with one crucial difference. In the comic book, Warrior Angel's girlfriend dies."

"But in the movie... she doesn't."

"That would be the 'difference' part, yes."

Superlad looks over the printouts of various blogs and websites Lana's brought with her. "These guys are crazy," says Superlad. "Blogs. Forums. And what's this all about?" He scans through some fan fiction. "How on Earth could Warrior Angel be pregnant? He's a man. Men don't get pregnant. These are some psycho hombres!"

Lana snatches that one away before Superlad can see the sig on it. "This is the one we think is trying to murder Movie Lana," she says, pointing to a different printout. "He does some kind of idiotic recap of the Warrior Angel stories, full of all kinds of lame jokes and brain-dead name-calling. And he obviously despises Lana."

"Despises Movie Lana," corrects Superlad.

"Uh. Yeah."

So Superlad decides it's time to visit Sinead. "Look, Sinead," he says. "You're a massive comic book geek, right?"

"Not at all," says Sinead. "I gave up comic books years ago."

"So you can't help me understand this random comic book quote from the person trying to kill Movie Lana?"

Sinead reads it. "That would be issue 5," he says. And he pulls open a convenient office drawer which contains every single issue of Warrior Angel, all bagged in Mylar™ and in Mint Condition.

He pulls one out, decreasing its value considerably, and explains how, in this particular issue, Warrior Angel's mortal enemy shot his (WA) girlfriend dead.

"And she stayed that way?" says Superlad, wondering how that might work.

As Sinead nods, we cut to that Crazy Recapper replacing the blanks in the gun with bullets. To help the stupider viewers out, the boxes are labelled 'BLANKS' and 'BULLETS'. He hands the gun to the guy playing the villain, who manages to shoot Movie Lana.

Unfortunately, Superlad's shown up at the fourth-last moment and caught the bullet in mid-air and at superspeed without anybody seeing him.

Except for, y'know, Crazy Recapper, who watches him unfold his hand with the bullet in it.

Lois, meanwhile, has donned a far sexier than expected pair of glasses and is using them to snoop around in Luthorcorp. Sinead interrupts her.

"Why would you purchase land around the dam?" asks Lois, as if anybody cares about this storyline in any way.

"I didn't authorise the purchase of any land," he says. "That goes against everything I now stand for."

Lois shows him the deed of purchase. "These initials are very girley," says Sinead. "It may be Porthos."

Speaking of Porthos, it turns out that, despite all the hair, he is not, after all, a bear. So he escapes from the bear trap by tearing his wrist to pieces. He then knocks out Marilyn and makes a run for it through the forest, before he is smacked in the head with a shovel.

A shovel wielded by Lana. In the most interesting thing she's done since that kiss with Scabby Abby, it turns out Lana is responsible for holding Porthos captive.

Back at the Kent Farm and Superlad interrupts Movie Lana mid-massage. He's received a comic book from Crazy Recapper with a message inside threatening to reveal Superlad's secret. "It's not at all safe in the farm any longer," he says. "You stay here and wait for Lana to return. I'm off to talk to TIAC."

"Can't you stay here with me until Lana gets here?" she says.

"Of course not," says Superlad. "I just told you it's not safe here. Tcch."

Off he heads to the Daily Planet where he disrupts TIAC from work. "Can you track this comic book's owner?" says Superlad.

"Because comic book readers are so dangerous, the government tracks all purchases and stores it in a special database ..."

"Of course," says TIAC. "Because comic book readers are so dangerous, the government tracks all purchases and stores it in a special database I should be able to effortlessly hack into." She does so and gives Superlad the Crazy Recapper's address.

But when Superlad gets there, Crazy Recapper's nowhere to be seen. He has, however, left a webcam behind which allows him to explain that he's going to turn Superlad into a hero.

That's far too confusing for Superlad to work out, despite Sinead's detailed explanation of Warrior Angel's ascent to heroism earlier in the episode. Luckily, TIAC was paying attention and explains to him how Crazy Recapper's going to try and kill Lana to make Superlad a hero.

So Superlad heads off to find Lana and Movie Lana. They've both been zapped with a cattle prod by Crazy Recapper, who now has Lana dangling over the edge of the building.

"Sorry, dude," he says. "You've got to die to make Superlad a hero."

"You haven't seen this show before, have you?" says Lana.

But Crazy Recapper won't listen. He drops Lana to her death. Except, of course, for the fact that Superlad shows up and jumps over the building after her.

Uh, Superlad? You can't fly.

But as we've seen before, he can fall like nobody's business. He out-accelerates Lana, falling beneath her, where he catches her and holds her until they land atop a Buick, which they destroy.

And that's all. Sinead tracks down Porthos and tries to save him from Marilyn. He doesn't quite succeed, with Marilyn pulling a gun on him. Fortunately, Porthos escapes and beats Marilyn to a hideous bloody pulp with a nearby stone. Ha ha ha! Take that, you Boy George wannabe!

He then confronts Lana about the, y'know, kidnapping and holding him captive and stuff. Lana denies everything - "I don't even like Stephen King!" - and tells Porthos not to tell Superlad anything.

"I'm the one who makes threats here," he says. And goes on to talk about precipices and tumbling and darkness and why Stephen King's books are vastly underrated ('especially the earlier ones'). Lana refuses to listen to him until he grows that glorious mane back.

And, of course, Sinead tracks down Crazy Recapper in an insane asylum and offers him his complete comic book collection if he'll reveal Superlad's superpowers. Crazy Recapper refuses. Boy, he is crazy! Sinead mutters and moves over to his calendar, crossing another date off. Seventeen to go.

Next week: A guest appearance by Bizarro Lana, who dies, Kenny-like, every single episode.

Discuss this episode at KryptonSite

Blame It On Dean Cain

2007-10-23T00:00:00+10:00

So, given the choice, what element of Season One of the show would you most like to see return? A multi-faceted, morally ambiguous Sinead Luthor? Fresh, original twists on the Superman mythos? Genuine tension and intrigue? Or that chick who talked to bees?

If you went with Bee Girl then you're in luck, because after some typically awkward dialogue between TIAC and Jimmy-James Olsen, wherein he reveals he's bought tickets to the latest Bowling For Soup concert, she espies Bee Girl leaving the Death Claw. TIAC follows her outside and confronts her.

Bee Girl reveals she's no longer a meteor freak. She's been cured by Dr Dean Cain. There is, however, a catch. "When they took away my powers," she explains. "They took away some of my memories as well. The last six years, in fact."

TIAC does some calculatin'. That would wipe out memories of the entire show. Where does she sign up?

But, of course, Bee-Minus Girl pays for her tattling by being chloroformed and kidnapped by the previously discussed Dr Dean Cain, just in time for the opening credits.

Back at the Kent Farm, Lana's making breakfast for Superlad. SBH emerges, dressed scantily.

"Wow," she says. "You're well trained. Why did it take so long for you and Superlad to get together?"

"He was afraid he'd kill me with his super-wiener."

"And now he's not afraid any more?"

"Y'know," says Lana. "Since my return, it hasn't come up."

Before either of them can explore this any further, Superlad emerges down the stairs. "This smells great," he lies.

"Yeah," says Lana. "But we're out of maple syrup."

"Lana is idiotically impressed with this brazen display of superspeed and shoplifting."

"No problemo," says Superlad. He zips off and picks some up, returning in the blink of an eye. Lana is idiotically impressed with this brazen display of superspeed and shoplifting. SBH, not so much. She goes to give him grief about his hypocrisy on the non-display of superpowers front but is interrupted by a sudden guest appearance from J'onn J'onnz, The Martian Manhunter.

"Stay away from Kal-El, foul temptress," says J'onn, straight to the point as always.

"Talk to the hand," says SBH. She goes to punch him, but Superlad intercepts. The pair of them squabble over whether or not J'onn is a worthwhile friend or, alternatively, a complete tool, before SBH races off at superspeed.

Lana watches all this. "Let me guess," she says. "You're from Krypton, too?"

Superlad and J'onn laugh and laugh at this. "No," says J'onn. "I'm from Mars."

"Try and keep up, Lana," says Superlad, sneering. "Prrrfffrt. Krypton."

So Superlad and J'onn discuss the secret history of The SS Jor-El and Zor-El. Those wacky brothers apparently hated one another and tried to kill one another at any opportunity (just like Bobby and Peter Farrelly). J'onn warns Superlad that he can't trust SBH and must find her crystal before she does.

"Oh, sure," says Superlad. "SBH's crystal. Right. I'll ask her about it when she gets back."

J'onn pinches his nose and explains again about the 'not trusting' thing.

Over to the Luthor Mansion and Sinead and Dr Dean Cain are discussing Mussolini and meteor freaks and train conductors and memory loss (although not necessarily in that order).

Sinead's concerned that some of the cured meteor freaks have disappeared. "You know anything about that?" he says.

"Hmmm?" says Dr Dean Cain, who'd been thinking about the next scene instead.

So let's follow him over there. He puts on a classical music record (Please Hammer, Don't Hurt 'Em) and prepares to slice open a restrained and squirming Bee-Minus Girl. "Sorry, Bee-Minus Girl," he says. "But I have to cut you open so your organs can be used to extend the life of my comatose wife."

"Well, why didn't you say so..." says Bee-Minus Girl. She lies back calmly.

Over at The Daily Planet, TIAC's blowing off Jimmy-James and his Bowling For Soup tickets, in favour of research into Dr Dean Cain's activities.

"Aw, man," whines Jimmy-James. "Enough with the meteor freaks already. I wish they were all locked away somewhere, then I might get a chance to see you sometimes."

"Would you, Jimmy-James?" asks TIAC. "Would you??"

But instead of answering this peculiar and revealing question, he storms off. Storming in to replace him in the whole 'let's not let TIAC get any work done' role is Superlad. "I need you to help me find SBH's missing crystal," he says.

"Sorry," says TIAC. "I'm busy dealing with my own life."

"Ha ha ha," says Superlad. "Nice one. But this is important."

"And so is what I'm doing."

"Fine," says Superlad. "Be like that." Some people are so self-absorbed. He storms off too, back to the barn.

Somehow Lana's found a script. She takes TIAC's role and fills Superlad in on Dr Dean Cain and his freak-curing. Makes no mention of the memory loss or the senseless patient-butchering, however. Probably distracted by a passing mirror before she got to that bit.

Meanwhile, over at the Daily Planet, SBH has shown up, wearing one of Lois's awesome singlets (aka tank top) from early Season Four. Jimmy-James stands up and takes notice.

"I need you to help me find out information about the spaceship from a couple of episodes ago," she purrs. "You're very smart when it comes to cameras. I bet you can clean up the footage from Lois's video of the ship." And she looks up at him with wide eyes.

"Hnnnhhh," says Jimmy-James, brain cells scrambled. "You're blonde."

"You're my hero," says SBH. "Call me when you're done." She kisses him on the cheek and leaves.

"Hnnnhhh," says Jimmy-James again, idiot grin all over his melon. "Pretty."

Over at TIAC's place, Superlad has confronted her about Dr Dean Cain. "I think you're going to allow Dr Dean Cain to operate on you and remove your freak status," he says.

"And the memory," says TIAC. "Don't forget about the memory loss." She explains about this aspect.

"Really?" says Superlad. "All six seasons? Gone?" He picks his nose in thought.

Naturally, by now, Sinead has found Dr Dean Cain dragging Bee-Minus Girl's corpse out to a random cemetery. "This is so sloppy," says Sinead. "That I'm afraid I'm going to have to shoot you."

And he does. But Dr Dean Cain is (obviously) immortal, so he gets back up and knocks Sinead out. Before he can kill him, however, Superlad shows up and hurls Dr Dean Cain into an electrical generator. "Take that," he says, unable to think of anything wittier.

While all this is going on, Jimmy-James and SBH flirt over Chinese food, while Jimmy-James' Commodore 64 renders Lois's footage. It finally finishes. "Wow," says Jimmy-James. "The government stole the spaceship. Wait until I tell TIAC."

"You can't tell TIAC," says SBH. She bites her lip and tilts her head. "This just has to stay between you" - she caresses his chest - "and me."

"Hnnnhhh," says Jimmy-James. "You've got a belly-button."

TIAC sees them and gets all upset. She takes her opportunity to storm off, but not before carefully and overtly placing an envelope with a message to Jimmy-James in the bin.

She heads off to visit Dr Dean Cain who tries to chloroform her. "This is standard medical procedure," he yells, knocking over chairs to get to her. TIAC runs, but not fast enough.

He straps her into a gurney and wheels her in beside his wife. "I'm going to chop out your heart and put it in my wife, so she will live forever."

Then he waits until she wakes up and tells her again.

Superlad has by now dropped in on Jimmy-James. "Where's TIAC?" he says.

"We had a fight," says Jimmy-James. "Boy, I could really use somebody to talk to about it."

"Not interested in that," says Superlad, dismissing him with a wave of his hand. "Read me that letter." And Jimmy-James reads him TIAC's letter. It's kinda rambling. "Skip a bit," says Superlad. Jimmy-James skims down to the relevant bit, which is that she may not remember Jimmy-James after tonight.

Superlad, overcome with envy, heads over to Dr Dean Cain's office, where he bumps into Sinead.

"And here's a photo of a border collie puppy."

"Look at these pictures," says Sinead, holding up his mobile phone. "I used image recognition technology to track him down. Here's a photo of Dr Dean Cain in World War Two. Here's a photo of him in 1888. Here's a Polaroid of him in 1675. Here's a group shot of him and Jesus wearing T-shirts that say 'Best Buds 4-Evah'. And here's a photo of a border collie puppy. That's not Dr Dean Cain, but it's awfully cute, wouldn't you agree?"

And Superlad has no choice but to do so.

"He's immortal, Superlad." He intercepts Superlad's next question before it's even asked. "Not the puppy. Dr Dean Cain." He pauses dramatically. "Dr Dean Cain is immortal."

"Well, he couldn't have gotten far," says Superlad, proving rather difficult to impress. And they deduce he must be in a deserted Lois and Clark: The New Adventures of Superman set.

Superlad races over there and prevents Dr Dean Cain from butchering TIAC. The pair of them fight a bit until Dr Dean Cain accidentally severs the equipment keeping his wife alive.

"Teri!!" he shouts. "What have I done??" He looks a little closer. "Wait. This isn't Teri Hatcher..." He sighs, defeated. "I'm on the wrong goddamn show. I thought this was a rather peculiar episode of Desperate Housewives."

TIAC looks at Superlad and shrugs. Seemed pretty standard to her.

And that's all. J'onn takes Dr Dean Cain away. "You didn't kill him, did you?" asks Superlad. "Dude, he's immortal," says J'onn. SBH shows up and they squabble again about whether or not Zor-El was a traitor, before SBH flies off, midriff on furious display.

Superlad then confronts Lana about the ten million dollars she stole from Sinead. "Yeah," says Lana. "But you stole some maple syrup." "Then we'll call it even," says Superlad.

And, finally, just for a laugh, Jimmy-James and TIAC break up. Can't remember why, but it doesn't matter, does it? Any episode that ends with TIAC's little heart breaking always gets a couple of bonus points. Total Score: 2/10.

Next week: I assume SBH continues to toy with Jimmy-James' 'mind' some more.

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