TSGYK

Generally Messed Up Situation

2012-11-09T15:16:00.001-08:00

How is it that someone like David Petraeus can have any sort of affair? I mean, not only was he a 4-Star General, with almost four decades of military service, but he was the Director of the friggin' CIA (confirmed, coincidentally enough, by a vote of 94-0). Sure, that's a job that in itself is a fun, fancy, wet bag of secrecy, but at his level, he's constantly a part of the public eye - not only on Capital Hill, but in our own homes as we've followed the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan for what seems like ever.

And I'm sure the blogosphere will continue to drip their theories on whom he tangled with. One theory already points to Elizabeth Warren. Although, personally, I'd find it quite Hollywood-esque if it turns out to be someone affiliated with a very naughty foreign entity.

Is he into redheads?

Whatever the case, I do hope this isn't some smokescreen for another potentially larger thing, like being Bengazi-related, or a potential blackmail issue, as an FBI probe contends.

At least he should be able to keep his retirement pay which, if it's anything like fired 4-Star General McChrystal's payday of over $12,000 a month, he'll at least be able to retire in style, possibly here.

Shocked, not shocking

2012-08-27T18:26:00.000-07:00

It shouldn’t shock too many people that there are terrorists in the military (although these guys refer to themselves as an anarchist militia). Having spent close to a dozen years in the military, this does not surprise me in the least bit. I remember visiting a friend on an aircraft carrier, not too long after I first joined, and he told me point blank which part of the mess decks not to sit in because I am white. I stared at him with a look of indignation, thinking, ‘how is this allowed to happen? Doesn't the chain of command prevent these situations from occurring?’ Sure, if they find out about it. But it doesn't stop just because it’s frowned upon and discouraged. In some cases it’s merely “waived”, like this Army CID (Criminal Investigative Division) brief pointed out.

Parts 1 and 2 of an expose of gangs in the military

There’s always been that thought: Military or Prison – judges can hand out verdicts to wayward youths on the brink of a lifetime behind bars; be a ward of the state or a service to your country. And while the Army, Air Force, and Marine Corps make someone on that path of unrighteousness ineligible, the Navy, on the other hand, is cool with waivers depending on the severity of evil doings. Regardless, though, gangs ranging from your garden-grown white supremacist to the really nasty MS-13 have without a doubt solidified their active recruiting ranks while serving in uniform. And, unfortunately, many of these ranks come in the form of children whose parents are serving.

So while the heinous acts committed in Georgia last year are shocking in detail, the fact that there exists a rather large number people whose goal isn't to fight all enemies foreign and domestic but use their new training and paychecks to continue to fund and retain their status as untoward affiliations, is old news indeed.

Hey there, Snuggle

2012-07-14T17:51:00.003-07:00

We take a lot of stock in what we put into our bodies. We look for Organic, non-HMO, non-GMO, non-ELO, non-LMFAO, etc., etc., when strolling down the aisles. But when it comes to cleaning products, either for our bodies or our clothing, what do you look for? Do you stay with "green" stuff that is good for the environment, or stuff that isn't tested on fluffy little bunnies (here's a list that PETA says do test on animals)?

Regardless, there's a fun ingredient that most products use these days. It's called "Fragrance". There's a fabric softener out there with a very adorable teddy bear on it that has "Fragrance" listed as an ingredient. What does this mysterious product entail? Well, according to the International Fragrance Association, www.ifraorg.org, this ingredient could be any one of these:

Acetanisole

4-Methoxybenzoic acid

Styrene

Benzonitrile

Benzyl alcohol

Benzaldehyde

Anisole

α,α-Dimethylphenethyl alcohol

Pentadecanoic acid

Grass, hay, ext.

Juniper, Juniperus virginiana, ext., epoxidized

Octanal dimethyl acetal

2-Ethylbutyl acetate

Heptanal dimethyl acetal

Hexyl isovalerate

Hexyl 2-methylbutyrate

α,α-Dimethylphenethyl formate

α,α-Dimethylphenethyl butyrate

Hex-2-enyl acetate (isomer unspecified)

3-Hexenyl 2-methylbutanoate

Benzeneethanol, 4-(1-methylethyl)-

α-Methylcinnamaldehyde

Methyl phenylacetate

Phenylacetaldehyde dimethyl acetal

Phenylacetaldehyde ethylene glycol acetal

Diphenylmethane

Diphenyl ether

α-Amylcinnamyl alcohol

α-Hexylcinnamaldehyde

p-Tolyl phenylacetate

Ethyl phenylacetate

Ultramarine blue (die)

2H-1-Benzopyran-6-ol, 3,4-dihydro-2,5,7,8-tetramethyl-2-(4,8,12-trimethyltridecyl)-

Isobutyl phenylacetate

Benzyl phenylacetate

Anisyl phenylacetate

Isoamyl phenylacetate

Phenethyl phenylacetate

Geranyl phenylacetate

2-Propanol, 1,1',1',1'-(1,2-ethanediyldinitrilo)tetrakis-

Triethanolamine

(tri-)Acetin

Zanthoxylum extr.

2-Hepten-4-one, 5-methyl-, (E)-

Phytyl acetate

4-Heptanol, 2,6-dimethyl-,acetate

2-Methyl-4-phenyl-2-butanol

2-Methyl-4-phenyl-2-butyl acetate

2-Ethylhexyl acetate

Di-(2-ethylhexyl) adipate

Methyl cinnamate

Benzyl isobutyrate

Ethyl cinnamate

Benzyl butyrate

Benzyl isovalerate

Benzyl cinnamate

Phenethyl acetate

Phenethyl isobutyrate

Dibenzyl ether

Phenethyl butyrate

Phenethyl cinnamate

Cinnamyl acetate

Cinnamyl propionate

3-Phenylpropyl isobutyrate

Cinnamyl isobutyrate

2-Phenoxyethyl isobutyrate

Cinnamyl butyrate

Phenylacetic acid

Acetanilide

p-Tolyl isobutyrate

2-Methyl-3-(p-isopropylphenyl)propionaldehyde

3,7-Dimethyl-1,6-nonadien-3-ol

Carbonic acid, ammonium salt

Benzyl valerate

1-Naphthalenol, 1,2,3,4,4a,5,8,8a-octahydro-2,2,6,8-tetramethyl-

.β.,.β.,3-Trimethyl benzenepropanol

p-Tolylacetaldehyde

4-(p-Methoxyphenyl)-2-butanone

p-Anisyl acetate

p-Propylanisole

Anethole (isomer unspecified)

γ-Octalactone

3-Phenylpropionaldehyde

Cinnamyl alcohol

Cinnamaldehyde

Benzyl formate

γ-Nonalactone

Phenethyl formate

Cinnamyl formate

γ-Undecalactone

2-Ethyl-1-hexanol

p-Tolualdehyde

p-Methylanisole

Eugenyl phenylacetate

2-Phenylpropyl acetate

Methyl 2-[[3-(1,3-benzodioxol-5-yl)-2-methyl-1-propenyl]amino]benzoate

1-Phenyl-3-methyl-3-pentanol

Citral propylene glycol acetal

2,2-Dimethyl-3-methyl-3-butenyl propanoate

Bicyclo[2.2.1]heptane-2-carbonitrile, 1,3-dimethyl-

Menthone

alpha-Cyclohexylidene benzeneacetonitrile

3-Methylbutyl 2-methyl-2-butenoate

p-Menth-1-en-8-ol (S)

5,6,7,8-Tetrahydronaphthalene-1-acetaldehyde

Benzoic acid, 3,7-dimethyl-7-octen-1-yl ester, (-)-

Rhodinyl phenylacetate

Tridecanal

2-Methyl-4-(2,2,3-trimethyl-3-cyclopenten-1-yl)-4-penten-1-ol

Hexanoic acid, 6-(acetyloxy)-, ethyl ester

Isobutyl 3-(2-furan)propionate

Anisyl alcohol

γ-Heptalactone

Ethyl propionate

Methyl acetoacetate

Diethyl malonate

Ethyl butyrate

Acetal

Propyl butyrate

2,4-Xylenol

Isoamyl propionate

Isobutyl hexanoate

Acetaldehyde dipropyl acetal

Citronellyl formate

Geranyl formate

Geranyl acetate

Rhodinyl propionate

Geranyl propionate

Neryl propionate

Ethylene brassylate

Decahydro-β-naphthyl acetate

Decahydro-β-naphthyl formate

Styryl acetate

2-Methylundecanol

2-Hydroxy-2-phenylethyl acetate

Ethyl trans-2-butenoate

Isopulegyl formate

ω-Pentadecalactone

3,7-Dimethyl-1-octanol

dl-Citronellol

Citronellal

Geraniol

Nerol

Isoamyl butyrate

Geranyl butyrate

Ethyl heptanoate

Ethyl octanoate

Ethyl laurate

3-Heptanone

Propyl propionate

p-Cresol

1,4-Dichlorobenzene

Dimethyl succinate

3-Octanone

Methyl hexanoate

2,6-Dimethyl-5-heptenal

Methyl heptanoate

Alcohols, C12-15-branched and linear, ethoxylated

Oils, oat

2,5-Pyrrolidinedione, 1-(1-acetyl-2,2,6,6-tetramethyl-4-piperidinyl)-3-dodecyl-

Propanethiol

Ethylene glycol

2-Methyl-2,4-pentandiol

1-Hexyn-3-ol, 3,5-dimethyl-

Hydroxycitronellol

Hydroxycitronellal

3-Methyl-2-butenal

2-Pentanone

1,3-Butanediol

Butyric acid

3-Mercaptopropionic acid

1-Methoxypropan-2-ol

Methyl 2-pyrrolyl ketone

o-(Methylthio)-phenol

dl-Menthone

1-Methyl-3-methoxy-4-isopropylbenzene

Pinocarvyl acetate

3,3-Dimethyl-5-(2,2,3-trimethyl-3-cyclopenten-1-yl)-4-penten-2-ol

Myrtenyl acetate

4-Methyl-2-pentanone

4-Methyl-2-pentanol

Isopropyl acetate

γ-Valerolactone

m-Cresol

Resorcinol

2,4-Dimethylpyridine

2,6-Dimethylpyridine

2,6-Dimethylpyrazine

Ethyl isovalerate

Benzene, 1,3,5-trimethyl-

3,5-Dimethylphenol

2,6-Dimethyl-4-heptanol

2,6-Dimethyl-4-heptanone

Cyclohexanol

Cyclohexanone

Phenol

Acetic acid, C7-9-branched alkyl esters, C8-rich

Acetic acid, C8-10-branched alkyl esters, C9-rich

2-Methylpyrazine

Octyl isobutyrate

Butyl isovalerate

Geranyl isovalerate

Butyl butyrate

Hexadecanolide

Butyl 10-undecenoate

Dibutyl sebacate

5-Hexen-2-one

Valeric acid

Propyl acetate

n-Pentane

Ethyl formate

Succinic acid

Fumaric acid

Isobutyl acetate

Isopropyl myristate

Ethyl decanoate

Octyl butyrate

Diethyl sebacate

2-Methylundecanal

Methyl decanoate

2-Heptanone

Isoamyl formate

Valeraldehyde

Pyridine

Piperidine

6-Methyl-5-hepten-2-one

Dipropylene glycol

Chlorophyllin, copper sodium complex

Cedrene

Santalol

Isojasmone

Glyceryl monooleate

Methyl octanoate

Methyl 2-octynoate

2-Octanone

Heptanoic acid

Hexyl alcohol

2,4-Hexadien-1-ol

Diethylene glycol

Ethyl octadecanoate

Ethyl oleate

Heptyl alcohol

Heptanal

Ethylene glycol monobutyl ether

Diethylene glycol monomethyl ether

Methyl 2-nonenoate

Methyl 2-nonynoate

Methyl undec-10-enoate

Methyl laurate

Nonane

1-Octanol

Diethylene glycol monoethyl ether

Propane, oxybis[methoxy-

Oxirane, methyl-, polymer with oxirane, ether with (1,2-ethanediyldinitrilo)tetrakis[propanol](4:1)

Geranyl linalool

Xanthan gum

1,3-Butanediol, 1,3-diacetate

Hexyl octanoate

(+)-(R)-Citronellol

Benzoic acid, 2-((3-(1,3-benzodioxol-5-yl)-2-methylpropylidene)amino)-, methyl ester

Benzoic acid, 2-[[3-(4-methoxyphenyl)-2-methylpropylidene]amino]-, methyl ester

Linalyl isovalerate

Myrcenyl acetate

E- and Z-Oxacyclohexadec-12(+13)-en-2-one

Pentanedioic acid, 1,5-dimethyl ester

Nonanoic acid

Heptyl acetate

2-Undecanone

Octyl acetate

Decyl acetate

Triethyleneglycol

1-Decanol

Decanal

Octyl formate

Diethylene glycol monobutyl ether

Undecanoic acid

10-Undecenoic acid

Methyl hexadecanoate

Oh, and just so you know, there are about 75 pages of ingredients. Blogger had a hard time with this list.

So....it might be something to ask when you've got a washer full of unmentionables and you're about to drop in a cup full of Isoeugenyl acetate.

You sure you want your underoos covered in "fragrance"?

Muy caro el día del padre

2012-06-03T15:05:00.001-07:00

While I am a Dad of two pretty rad offspring, I’m not big into Father’s Day. I feel it’s another one of those great days invented by a deluge of marketing majors without any hope of breaking into the big world of advertising. So they bashed their brains together and put the XY to Mom’s Day. As fun as that sounds, it was really a six decade holiday in the making, having gone through Congress several times, starting in 1913, before finally being solidified into our nation, and most of the world thereafter. But, hey, let's face it, 1913 was the Worst Year Ever.

However, if you are a fan of Father’s Day, and your spouse or kids or some random dude on the side of the road enquires with that oh-so-simple of questions: What do you want for Father’s Day?, you should take my advice and go all out this year. Tell ‘em what you really want: A dinosaur.

I’m not kidding, folks. There’s an auction house out of New York that will gladly sell you a T-Rex skeleton for the basement bargain price of only $950,000.

Or maybe, you can dress your surrogate husband in one of these, ladies!

Although, to be honest, that might be out of the fiscal reach of most of us non-1%ers. However, if you’d rather fast forward your desires about 65.5 million years, and spend considerably less dosh, how’s this for pretty bad-ass: Leap Motion Technologies can turn your crusty old Lenovo into something Tom Cruise would be proud to presume people guilty on.

Maybe Oprah will let me jump on her couch and herald this new-fangled technology!

Or, maybe you're like me, and (naturally) worried about the eventual zombie apocalypse, you would rather be fully prepared for the eventual lights out. Then check this site out. Each item is individually hyperlinked to their respective retailers. And this is great, because it's hard to find Atovaquone, Alpha Clips, sporks (side topic: I'm upset that I had to add the word "spork" to my laptop's dictionary), and a Mossberg 12 gauge in one place.

Get with the times laptop maker dudes.

So there you go denizens of Earth who are flummoxed each June with what to get that dude who either helped in creating you or the rugrats that sit in their rooms feeling entitled. But for me, I'm easy. I'll take a panic button light switch for my office.

Economic Bullies

2012-05-12T15:20:00.000-07:00

So this news story about Presidential hopeful Mitt Romney having shorn the scalp of a supposedly gay teen back in his prep school days is really giving the left-facing media a firestorm of jokes, jabs, and jests regarding his potential ability as the leader of the free world. But should something that happened almost fifty years ago end up being a nail in a coffin if this truly becomes a downward spiral and the end of his Oval Office hopes?

Or will we be able to shrug it off and say that stuff just happened “back in those days,” that what is considered a hate crime today was considered, back then, just kids being kids? And while, according to him, he doesn’t recall the specific incident, he did issue a blanket apology for any hijinks he may have played during his high school days.

Blanketing silly hijinks:

So what should be made of this apology? In fact, what should be made of this story as a whole? Right after the President goes and throws his support behind gay marriage his rival-to-be is now branded a homophobe? Timing is a fickle bedfellow, isn’t it? Funnily enough, North Carolina’s banning of gay marriage comes at a juicy time when the health of the economy seems to be the hot topic. The ironic thing about that is the fact that socially intolerant communities suffer economically.

But back to bullying for a second. With recent statistics (which I will take with a grain of salt because 44.7% of statistics are made up) saying that each day 160,000 kids in America refuse to go to school because they are bullied, we cannot brush over the fact that children are dying absolutely needlessly because other kids are pushing them to it. It makes me wonder if those who think bullying is a rite of passage, like this dude, were bullied themselves?

On a side note, if Jamie Dimon was bullied as a kid at The Browning School, would he have still grown up reckless enough to allow JPMorgan Chase to lose $2 billion in one day and then scoff it off as just another day at the office?

Jamie Dimon, JPMorgan Chase CEO: Too big to fail? Maybe. But not too big for an ass-whoopin'.

I wonder what celebs like Christian Bale, Brittney Snow, Zooey Deschanel, and Robert Pattinson, would say about an economic bully like Dimon?

The Video Games Made Me Do It

2012-04-25T22:16:00.001-07:00

A good friend of mine, Tony, runs a YouTube channel designed to help sucky gamers get a little bit less-sucky. Just the other day we were chatting about how we both agree that a good bad guy can make or break any game, regardless of graphics, soundtrack, voice overs, etc. So we brainstormed for a bit and came up with a top 15 of the best bad guys over the last couple of decades. We'll get a bit old school and even a bit weird. Feel free to disagree, but we'll take you to the mat. That's just the way it is, especially where opinions are concerned, right?

Here's a bit of what they do over at VGMMDI.

Anyways, this list by no means is meant to piss off fanboys, as easy as that is. So, please, don't take this to heart. But if it does offend you, well, get over it.

#15 – Sander Cohen (Bioshock)

While the obvious choices in Bioshock might be Andrew Ryan or Fontaine, I would certainly beg to differ. Sander was an evil sonofabitch. He was smart, like only an extremely evil asshole could be. Nothing pleased him more than encasing you in plaster if you walked into Fort Frolic. Good luck getting out of that hardened goop as your body slowly liquefied while he stared at you through a mask that only Guy Fawkes could truly appreciate.

#14 – Arthas (Warcraft Series)

Even before he became the Death Knight, Arthas was well on his way to utter diabolicalness, even if the clues were subtle. You could see it in the way he took care of business for his father. Need to go to the bank, Dad? Here, how about I slice everyone in half? There: the line’s empty.

#13 – Dormin (Shadow of the Colossus)

I’m sure Wander thought that Dormin was an answer to his prayers, offering his powers to resurrect Mono. And, because nothing comes without a price, Dormin proves the point with as much gusto as possible: by possessing Wander’s body and becoming the god he once was. Nothing truly says “I got you, sucker” like a once-powerful god using you to kill his enemies then thanking you by jumping into your soul and taking over.

#12 – Sarah Louise Kerrigan (Starcraft series)

Not only was she trained as a psychic assassin by the Confederacy to combat the Zergs, but then she was captured by the Zergs, turned into the love child of Medusa and a camel spider, and used her powers for intense evil, slicing and dicing her way through the known Universe.

Whyyyyy aren't I collecting royalties?

#11 – Dracula (Castlevania series)

If the most iconic weapon in a series is called the “Vampire Killer” you know, as a bad guy, that you’re doing something right. The Belmont family has to try and kill this sucker every hundred or so years as he keeps on getting himself resurrected. You gotta hand it to a bad guy who just won’t stay dead even though, technically, he’s dead. So there. Deal with it.

#10 – Bowser (Mario Brothers series)

So King Koopa is a lovely fella; he’s an anthropomorphic turtle with a penchant for felonies. But, unlike his compatriots throughout the land, he sports a groovy spiky shell and some nasty claws. Throw in some ginger locks, and you’ve got one ticked-off Testudine.

#9 – Bobby Barrows (Clock Tower)

When turning the heels of most shoot-em-ups into a straight-laced horror game, you’ve got to get the ambiance right. And using Dario Argento’s Phenomena as source material certainly can’t hurt. Besides, if a 9-year-old kid with scissors is scarier than his purple beast brother, you’re doing it right. That friggin’ giggle haunts me. Especially when I’m alone on the crapper.

Mom! My brother is, like, so dead! He tried to give me a haircut again!

#8 – Nemesis (Resident Evil 3)

If you’re going to name a character after the Greek Goddess of Vengeance, you’ve got to back up the badassiness. Nemesis lives up to his name. Dip him in acid and he’ll just get ticked off and probably shove a rocket launcher up your cooter. Take away his raincoat and he’ll violate you with his super extendo tentacle arms. Nemesis was more aptly portrayed here than in that really unfortunate Star Trek movie of the same name.

#7 – Sephiroth (Final Fantasy 7)

I think that if I found out I was created in a totally fucked up experiment by a totally fucked up corporation, I’d grab an 11 ½ foot sword and tear through the countryside as well, in an attempt to totally fuck it up. Then I’d (naturally) decide to become a god to rule over the entire planet. Good job, Sephiroth.

#6 – Diablo (Diablo series)

Take your pick: Warrior, Rogue, or Sorcerer; regardless of your super-special powers like repairing junk or recharging your staff (cue Beavis), at some point you’ll end up facing Diablo, the towering beast who destroys villages in the blink of an eye. Let’s hope you can figure out how to prop those eyelids open with your charged staff as you try to defeat the Lord of Terror. Yeah, good luck with that.

#5 – Dr. Wily (Mega Man series)

Note to all the Powers That Be: if an egomaniacal scientist creates a series of humanoid robots initially designed for good, thank the motherfucker. Because if you don’t, he just might decide to get seriously ticked off, reprogram the robots for full combat mode, and try and take over the world. This will be your first and final warning.

#4 – Lavos (Chrono Trigger)

Lavos came to earth millions of years ago and started absorbing bits and pieces of every species’ DNA in order to choose some random time, let’s say, oh 1999, yeah, that’ll work, in which to wipe the slate clean and start anew with his own version of humanity. While I personally think he chose 1999 because of the incessant airplay of Creed, it may have something to do with the messed up Julian calendar we currently use and some sort of end-of-world brouhaha. Whatever the case, Lavos will suck you in, gargle your soul, and spit out your bones on a whim.

I know, I know, he seems a bit dated. Well, so would you if you were, like, a gazillion years old.

#3 – Ganon (Zelda series)

If you’re the final boss in anything, you can’t be a pussy. Ganon doesn’t let you down. His mission: kidnap chicks, get some magic, take over Hyrule, and then move on to the rest of the world. What truly helps him be a pillar of the badass community is not only his invincibility, but his lack of satisfaction with the power he has. He keeps going, and going, and going (and sometimes killing, and killing, and killing).

#2 - You (Every game you play with a choice)

Whether it’s Fallout, Mass Effect, or Grand Theft Auto, you, my friend, never pick the happy-go-lucky teeny bopper, do you? Noooooo, you have to go all crazy and get yourself some scars, and guns, and nunchaku; and go around stealing cars, running over women, nuking towns and simply running amok. You are an asshole.

There's the little punk who got me kicked out of my Warcraft Guild for taking too many bathroom breaks. Guess I should've worn a diaper as well, eh?

#1 – Kefka (Final Fantasy 6)

So while the bulk of our list consisted of people or things that turned bad, or were thrown into situations that made them bad (even Kerrigan had a bug up her ass from the get-go (get it?)), rarely is a character designed as a nihilistic psychopath infused with magic. Seriously, if you’re going to fuck with magic on a genetic level, and don’t mess it up, there’s something wrong with you. And, as a guy who’d rather poison millions through the water supply rather than waste time fighting like a regular dude (hellooo US government, are you reading this?), you’ve got some really messed up neurons firing in your brain.

So there you have it. Feel free to agree or disagree.

There are 5 Ninjas in this Post

2012-03-30T13:04:00.002-07:00

I don’t know how you feel about it, but Iran gets somewhat of a bad rep. While this isn’t anything new, what with recent sanctions, and the Pentagon saying that Iranian submarines are laying in wait in the Persian Gulf, just waiting to pop off our ships. But now Reuters has claimed that Iranian ninjas (yes, ninjas) are the West’s greatest threat. The British media organization says that these “assassins” are being specially trained to take out foreign invaders. Like the National Guard.

But Reuters is taking a hit here as the Iranian ninjas are fighting back…via the courtroom. They’re filing a defamation lawsuit against the media outlet which is saying that their study of ninjutsu is actually a secret training ground and they will stand up and fight any invaders. Well, who wouldn’t stand up and fight for their country against any invaders?

He did not stand up for his country. Although, I can't really blame him...

From what we see, it’s tough enough as it is for a female Iranian, living in Iran, to have athletic outlets. Their rugby team can't seem to catch a break. Even their soccer team got banned by FIFA because their moral dress code won’t allow the women to play without a hijab. Really, FIFA? What’re they hiding in there, the Hand of God?

I really feel bad for these girls. With very few known outlets for recreation, for something as asinine as this to come out of an international news junket is pretty pathetic. No wonder Reuters up and left town before the frenzy took place. Maybe it was just a typo, or, like the Atlantic says, it was an error corrected in time, but full details are sketchy. But it's out there now, good or bad, true or false, and everyone now knows that Iran's got some bad-assery going on in the fitness clubs.

Blistering My Ear Holes

2012-03-14T21:23:00.001-07:00

Having recently moved into a temporary location while awaiting certain circumstances to fall into place, I have been forced to succumb to that most dreadful of daily happenstance: commercials. My DVR currently resides in another State so my typical 22 minute episode of Happy Endings (watch 'em here without commercials) has unfortunately stretched to a full 30 minutes. Betwixt the guffaws and shenanigans I sit on a very small couch watching 15 to 45 second spots on orange juice, Hulu+, and the great Satan, JP Morgan Chase.

But while patiently waiting on PBS’s showing of The Phantom Of The Opera at the Royal Albert Hall over the weekend, I flicked over to some random station and was assaulted by this commercial:

Does anyone see what’s blatantly wrong here? At 0.04 there’s a quick couple of seconds of what appears to be a choir clapping and do-do-doing the theme to Violent Femme’s Blister in the Sun, along with quick clips of a beatbox, a woman on a violin, and a bad-ass sitar player.

This guy sweats badassiness from his sitar

Listen, I'm in no way throwing blantant dislike to this particular airing (or am I?), but I find that, contextually, this was a poor song choice by the advertising folk at HP. Maybe next time, dudes, you'll just use Magnum P.I. to sell your wares.

Can we take stock in STOCK?

2012-02-09T11:04:00.000-08:00

Remember way back when, in 2003, when Martha Stewart got into a wee bit o' trouble for selling stock a day before ImClone tanked a few years prior?

Or last May, when Galleon Group hedge fund maestro Raj Rajaratnam got fined a fun sum of $10 million, an 11-year prison sentence, and had to give up close to another $54 million in illegal awesomeness over a 7-year period of lavishness?

Or when Mike Milken, formerly of the Forbes' 500 richest dude's list, was charged on 98 counts of racketeering and securities fraud, and served a couple of years, reduced cos he canaried on his compatriots?

But do you recall when former House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) made a bit of cash on insider dealing with Visa's IPO?

Or maybe when Rep Spencer Bachus (R-AL) bought a whole bunch of stock right after a meeting with the House Financial Services Committee, where he was then the top dog, as they discussed the eventual collapse of the economy?

For you and I, and probably your mom, too, insider trading is illegal. If we get wind of something happening in a company before it's publicly made and then capitalize financially on that knowledge, well, we'll probably get busted and not have enough political connections to warrant a plea-bargain giving us a nice white collar sentence.

Admit it, white collar prison is totally cooler than your house.

Unless, of course, you and I and your mom are in Congress, the laws that pertain to us do not pertain to them because they wrote laws saying it doesn't pertain to them. Now there's a nifty idea...

Some crazy do-gooder, former Rep Brian Baird (D-WA), introduced a bill known as the Stop Trading On Congressional Knowledge (STOCK) Act before Congress (H.R. 2341). This was in 2007...six years ago! Every year it would get it'd get shuffled around. Seriously, though, why would Congress pass any bill that would limit their awesomeness? Any bill that isn't passed while Congress is in session gets dumped until someone re-issues it the next chance they get. But it wasn't until "60 Minutes" got wind of this that it popped into the civilian hemisphere, becoming public knowledge and, therefore, more fuel for our public outcry.

Thankfully, today, it passed. Un-thankfully, though, is the provision that House Majority Leader Eric Cantor (EP-VA) had stripped: that those financial analysts who hunt and peck through the financial industry, seeking information and tips about the markets, to register as lobbyists (even though many of them are) and have them fall under the STOCK Act.

But the Senate version did add a great little part: The Pelosi-provision. This stops those with knowledge of IPOs from capitalizing on that knowledge before the general public.

All in all, this is a great day for the rest of us. To hold everyone accountable for the same crimes should be common sense. And now the term everyone applies to those who make the rules.

Get a Whiff of This

2012-02-03T13:10:00.000-08:00

Have you ever whiffed the scent of hypocrisy? I mean really got down in there, just buried your face betwixt the folds, covering your eyes and mouth to heighten your olfactory senses, and just inhaled?

I bet that if you did, you’d catch the scent of a million moms. Specifically, One Million Moms, an offshoot of the American Family Association, itself designed to remove all filth from our society (FYI: North Korea has the market pretty well cornered on that).

Some of OMM's recent “wins” have been:

1) Getting crappy shows like MTV’s “Skins” and NBC’s “The Playboy Club” yanked from their respective line ups. TSGYK surmises that that would’ve happened regardless. However, put that in the win column.

2) Convincing the epitome of fine, wholesome family dining, Chuck E. Cheese to remove their adverts during ABC Family’s “Pretty Little Liars” (just picked up for a third season). This is a win because I’d rather have them advertise their 540 calorie (1255 mg sodium) pizza during “Little Einsteins”.

3) And persuading Toys “R” Us to pull their ads from “Two and a Half Men” is genius! You know, because obviously the target demographic for that show is seven year old girls, not their parents who are placated into purchasing items from said store for said child. Winning!

The list goes on and on. Feel free to read more here.

But what’s currently got their mom-jean-hugging undies in a twist this time? Why, it’s Ellen Degeneres. It appears that her gig as a spokesperson for JC Penney is insulting “traditional families”. Being openly gay is a no-no to these million moms (FYI: some reports say their actual member numbers hover around 33,000, but it’s not publically known info).

The voice of Dory: ruining traditional families for almost a decade.

Hey, OMM, here’s a question: have you stopped, or have you ever worn, makeup? Ever used an American Express card? Ellen’s pitched those as well. Ready…FIGHT!

Anyways, JC Penney has no intention of dropping Ellen as their spokesperson anytime soon. And 3 million daily viewers of her talk show agree. You’re assed-out in the numbers game there, OMM.

Oh, and as a side note, yet still fun and important information, OMM’s “parent organization”, the American Family Association, that lead the crusade to have Lowe’s pull adverts from “All American Muslim”, were branded as a hate group by the Southern Poverty Law Center. Just thought I’d throw that in there.

And speaking of hate, my lovely wife, not an OMM, but an actual Mom (unlikethis OMM member), got me onto a story yesterday that has tickled me pink:

Since 1982, Susan G. Komen for the Cure® has invested around $2 billion into breast health education. In doing so, they’ve created quite a racket when it comes to “pinkwashing” our lives during Breast Cancer Awareness Month (October). That’s nice. Sometimes I forget breast cancer exists.

Nothing shouts CURE CANCER NOW! like deep fat fried genetically altered birds.

But it’s gotten sorely out of hand. It seems that for the Cure is a registered trademark, according to Komen. Unfortunately, the US Patent Office doesn’t really agree with that. The only thing they’ve got trademarked is the running pink ribbon. And a couple of phrases with “for the cure” embedded. But they’re trying to get everyone else to stop using the non-trademarked phrase. You’d better be a corporate sponsor if you plan on displaying it! Translation: you need to pay Komen a bunch of money if you want to support breast cancer without them attempting to cease and desist your ass. Because, let’s face it, cancer has now become a sexy marketing ploy to the tune of some $400 million a year for Komen alone. How much of that goes to actual treatment in the form of awards and grants? Only $22 million. Oh, and the CEO makes about $450 thousand a year. That’s the entry fee for five thousand participants in Race for the Cure.

Hypocrites.

Here's a brown ribbon to support your shittiness:

p.s. here're some more recent shenanigans that Komen is embroiled in.

Betty Crocker Would Spin

2012-01-16T21:53:00.000-08:00

The world is in a kerfuffle right now! People are screaming from the rooftops! Wives are slapping their husbands (husbands are retreating to their man caves)! Smaller animals are attacking larger animals with very little provocation! Chaos, I tell ya. CHAOS!

Why?

Because a TSA agent in Las Vegas confiscated a cupcake. Last month, a woman from Massachusetts tried to board a plane at McCarran International Airport, no doubt enroute to some savory destination, when her confectionary carry-on was sequestered for having too much of a gel-like substance. She had purchased a cupcake in a jar designed to instantly add seven pounds to your ass. But that fact is neither here nor there. What is important is two things: one, if you want one go to the store that started it all: Wicked Good Cupcakes, in Cohasset, MA, where it’s since been dubbed the National (Security) Velvet. And, two, the TSA agent was right to confiscate it.

A Dallas, Texas news site says the TSA Agent considered it “gel-like” although no transcription of his exact words have been made public. However, what is public, are the TSA guidelines for these so-called “gel-like” substances.

To the TSA, liquids and gel have already been part of a few bad-guy plots in the last ten years. So they’re pretty succinct when they deal with liquids. The problem with Rebecca Hains, our tasty treat transporter, is that she admitted having no problems getting through Logan International but, Vegas peeps were giving her icing the stink eye! (FYI: stink eye).

Boom goes the awesomeness!

Let’s get back to the TSA requirements for a second. You can plainly read the “Other Items” section towards the bottom of the page where they highlight ge:; the somewhat good gel (hair gel) and somewhat bad gel (flammable gel), and the limits of each. (Ms. Hains did not indicate which size of jar-filled-junk she was transporting, the 8oz or 16oz size.)

Fair point, hair gel can be completely and utterly bad as well.

So, I’m sure you’re thinking. “What the hey, icing isn’t gel?” Well, actually, it kinda sorta definitely is. According to Practical Food Rheology: An Interpretive Approach (Ian T. Norton, 2011), because of icing’s flow (rheology being the study of the flow of matter), it is categorized as a “gelling agent” due to the alginate added in order to keep it somewhat steady.

So, what does this all boil down to? The TSA agent in Logan was wrong not to confiscate the cupcake (if it was in either 8 or 16 ounce size). And that Rebecca should not have admitted to carrying a “gel-like” substance onto an airplane across State lines. Now she’s a felon. Booyah!

Be a Better Bad Guy

2011-12-31T14:43:00.000-08:00

When I get a moment, I'll plop down in front of the ol' plasma and enjoy some serious fiction. I'll watch stuff like Burn Notice, Castle, The Closer, and, when I need my used-to-be-in-the-Navy fix, Hawaii Five-0. But one of the things that puzzles me, and I fervently blame the lack of writing prowess, is how whenever a bad guy or organization goes about kidnapping a scientist or doctor to do their evil bidding, it’s just the one person that gets snatched, and then they hold the family or an animal or the entire world as ransom or some other token of necessity in order to complete their task. They use this one person to concoct a virus capable of decimating the eastern seaboard, or a rocket that can turn the Congo into a shiny, glassy, parking lot. But they stop with the one idea. And if these plans get foiled, which they often do, well, then they’re up shit creek, right? And the good guy with the powerful mustache defeats the evildoer, and not only rescues the super hot particle physicist chick who was held hostage, but her eleven year old cousin as well, and maybe a school bus full of nuns or puppies (or nuns carrying puppies).

Dads, better hide your super hot particle physicist daughters from this hero!

And this is where the bad guys fail. They are so narrowly focused on one problem with only one solution. Any management firm worth their salt will tell you that conflict resolution begins with identifying the issues and discussing multiple outcomes. Why don’t bad guys think like this as well?

If you need to release a virus on an unsuspecting population, why do it with ten canisters in one mall? Why not do it from one canister in ten malls? Makes it harder for the mustachioed hero to track them all down and shut them off. And, my gosh, if you’re going to use a remote detonator, have a backup timer as well.

And, if you need to build a missile to destroy some forlorn country, why only build one? I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen the bad guys spend millions on one friggin missile. Seriously, you can buy most parts cheaper in bulk these days, just ask any soccer mom who shops at Costco. Here’s a great place for bulk electronics!

Think this soccer mom buys in bulk? Her personal assistant(s) might.

Anyways, my point is, all you bad guys out there need to get more creative. Do a bit of Googling before you decide that laser beam eyeballs are the only route you take. Why not take that brilliant idea and combine it with a couple more and voila!, you’ve got an invisible robot army that shoot laser beams through their eyes.

But this is just a start, horrible nasty people who are hell-bent on destroying us. Let your imagination run wild! Find multiple ways of destroying us all. Don’t stick with just one thing or you’ll find yourself thwarted by the ‘stache.

Just sayin’.

It's a USPS Christmas

2011-12-24T12:27:00.000-08:00

It’s no secret that the US Postal Service is hemorrhaging money. With kickback charges in Detroit, slashed delivery schedules in most markets, and stamp rate increases everywhere, it seems they’re just another governmental entity in dire straits and all a kerfuffle. But in these tumultuous economic times, it’s nice to see that someone in this melee of craziness is going above and beyond this Christmas season.

Children everywhere make their lists, dotting I’s, crossing T’s, ensuring that each letter is duly legible so when Santa checks his own list, twice, he can make sure he’s bringing the kids exactly what they want . Mine are no exception. My daughter wrote to him, asking for a dollhouse and specifically mentioning her younger brother as well, saying he’s been good and therefore deserves a train. So they posted the letter to Santa Claus, North Pole, stuck a self-addressed stamped envelope inside, and plopped it into the special red Santa Mailbox at the local PO mailbox.

A few days later, the kids received a letter back from Santa. He wrote each kid individually, my daughter got a letter on snowflake paper, my son’s had a gingerbread theme. And each were personalized, thanking the kids for being good to each other, and “always remember to help others”.

Amazing. For the USPS to take the time to answer this letter goes above and beyond. It adds a little bit of cheer to something that, for many, can be a difficult time of year. I appreciate that they did this. I appreciate the attention to detail in their words, mentioning specifics in the return letter. In no way did it feel like a canned response.

For this little touch of Christmas Spirit, I thank you, USPS, for taking time out of a very busy holiday season, to add a little bit of awesomeness, and help keep the magic of Christmas alive and kicking.

So we're gonna treat Santa right this Christmas, assuming, of course, he delivers his promises. And we're gonna tip the Postal Carrier, and probably the waste management folks as well, because, let's face it, everyone could use a little bit of help this year.

Gluten free, sugar free, butter free, and taste free cookies. And a nice tall glass of vanilla soy milk. Merry Christmas from the Best Coast.

Cherries and Lemons and Bars, oh my!

2011-12-06T13:49:00.001-08:00

It's no surprise that there's a serious lack of money going around in the world right now. And my current home state of Washington is no exception - almost everyone is operating in the red, having to cut awesomeness like park funds, social services, and music programs. Because, let's face it, there's absolutely nothing worse or more a waste of time and money than an evil, money-sucking, good for nothing, high school band playing in the park. Duh!

Watch out! These bad-ass hooligans will mess you up!

So as this lovely land scrapes around the bottom of the fiscal barrel and tries to cut whatever it can (except, of course, the lawmaker's own inflated salaries, benefits, perks and mistresses), one of the ways of making that money is in gambling, something heretofore associated exclusively with tribal land casinos. The State is now considering allowing slot machines in non-tribal casinos, and therefore hoping to reap the benefits of your addictive personality. Don't think you have an addictive personality? Bet you won't click this link: DON'T CLICK IT

Am I the only one who thinks this is a bad idea? Is there nothing we can do here that'll get us some much-needed mulah? The answer, it seems, lies in the viaduct replacement. In 2001, the Nisqually earthquake damaged part of the Alaskan Way Viaduct, requiring either extensive fixes or total replacement. It looks like the total replacement should wrap up in 2015 with a brand new tunnel. Until then, though....

They wanted the new project to resemble the Tunnel of Love in Kleven, Ukraine.

While I do believe that the tunnel in and of itself is a groovy idea, what's not a good idea is what the DOT (Department of Transportation) had to agree to do in order to get funding for the tunnel project itself: make a museum, called Milepost 31 (because this is the location of the start of the tunnel on Highway 99). The city plans on spending $490,000 to make a museum out of mud pulled from the site, along with glass bottles and all manner of wood chips, silt, and junk. Now, to be fair, they're also pulling into the fold some pieces from other museums, like the Museum of History & Industry, and the State Historical Society.

Washington lawmakers travel the world in search of the best museum-quality mud exhibits:

So they're gonna take stuff from other museums, add stuff they hope to find in the boring of the tunnel, put it all together, and charge you to see it all. Good job, dudes.

One of these things is not like the other...unless you're in Congress

2011-11-20T18:23:00.001-08:00

This is a test for all my readers. It may be tough. I know, I know, we're about ready for a Thanksgiving break in the U.S. school year. But I promise this won't take too much brain power to figure out!

OK, here goes:

Which of the following is a vegetable?

A: This cell phone

B: This cucumber

C: This pizza

If you answered A, you would be someone suffering from Pica. If you answered B, you would be correct. However, if you answered C, you would be in Congress.

Executive Bitching Consultant, LLC

2011-11-03T20:31:00.000-07:00

I’ve got a friend who absolutely despises getting nickel-and-dimed by anybody, let alone billion dollar corporations. As a woman who used to own her own small business, she fully understands the necessity for not only understanding fair business practices (i.e., don’t murder your competition, even if you think their juicy skull would look much prettier with an axe in it), but in recognizing a good deal when she sees it.

It's common knowledge that the more tan you are, the less people will notice the ax in your head.

On the flip side, her BS detector will go into overdrive if she gets a whiff that someone is trying to pull a fast one. If this happens, well, batten down the hatches cos you’ve just conjured up a demon. It’s not like she goes medieval on them, per se, but she absolutely will not get off the phone until any situation has been rectified to a mutual agreement.

Case Study #1: Yesterday, 11022011, she spent an hour on the phone with Citigroup, who had charged her $.50 on a credit card with a zero balance. Her response to that was why did they have to send her a 4 page bill for a bogus charge that costs less than the postage required to mail it? I asked her what the reasoning behind the charge was. Maybe her contract stipulates that a minimum balance must be present at all times. Turns out she had paid a bill on time…but on time in the wrong time zone. So she spent a few hours bouncing from one customer service rep to another right after the birth of her son, mind you, to get this sorted. They dropped a $35 late fee but a month later charged her a $.50 late fee for not paying the bill on time which had already been reversed. It seems like the bank will charge a fifty cent fee to those who had been charged late fees, even if it was reversed. Chiefly, you will get fined for paying back the money you owe. She ended up getting the $.50 charge dropped. Unfortunately for corporate America, that just riled her up. Her next target was DirecTV.

Case Study #2: For years, her family has been loyal DirecTV subscribers, essentially paying out hundreds of dollars for a service that, at times, was spotty at best. But when HD showed up and made that $4000 TV pay for itself, she was all in for getting the technology, and until this billing cycle, she had a set bundled price. Now, DirecTV told her that her deal only applies to those who pay with direct deposit, i.e., they'll take your money ahead of time and good luck trying to recoup it later. The conversation with the Customer Service Representative got so heated that she was transferred to Advanced Customer Care, the ‘help’ center for those who complain extremely well. Don’t you wish you could talk to those folk? After more light-hearted communication, she ended up with a $10 credit and 3 free months of HBO as long as she modified her grandfathered billing plan that no longer exists.

She should go into the advocacy business. She should be an Executive Bitching Consultant. Teach you how to stand up for yourself – even if you’re (somewhat) wrong – in order to let the businesses know that what they’re doing isn’t as annoying as you can become. Even if you’re not mean, or utter a single F-bomb during the process which, in some cases, can take years to develop, persistence will triumph. Slow and steady wins the race, my friends.

When it was all said and done, she only saved herself $10.50. But the point was made: you can fight, and win against, big corporations. You may be little, a drop in the golden parachute bucket, but they need you to pay these little fines and fees. Everyone, all the millions of subscribers and account holders pay these fees every month without challenging them. That’s what the business understands. You’d rather pay $.50 than deal with Customer Service (if you’re lucky enough to get through to an actual human being). And when all these people pay, and not fight, the money goes straight into the coffers, as much as we’d like to think it’d go into keeping prices down (bag fees, anyone?).

We need to advocate better. Your overall mission is to not only have them drop whatever exorbitant charge is being applied, regardless of size ($.50 x 3.5 million account holders per month = a Lotus, private school for the kids, a penthouse for the mistress, and an island tax shelter in the Bahamas), and then have them give you free stuff for your troubles. If enough of us stick up for ourselves, like Bank of America giving up the $5 fee , then they won’t even try such shenanigans and might, instead, attempt to go from Good to Great.

Occupy Wall Street, The Flamethrower: You’re Doing It Wrong

2011-10-26T11:30:00.000-07:00

As grassroots demonstrations go, Occupy Wall Street has hit the big time. From its conception last summer by a Canadian activist group called Adbusters, to its recent push across the globe, including 26 European countries, like Scotland and Estonia (you’ll need to translate that page); along with 12 Latin American countries, like Columbia and Puerto Rico, the flame has obviously been lit.

So is it any wonder that somebody finally decided to start commercializing the whole event? A Long Island, NY, couple have taken action to start selling stickers, buttons, sweatshirts, and, with any luck, Occupy Wall Street hobo bags.

Glad those kids made a cohesive line.

“Where’s the harm?” you might ask. “Valid question.” I respond. The harm, though, comes in what it takes to actually commercialize something. You could start by filling out and submitting this 31 page, form. But the fee for this single form varies depending on how you fill it out. I’ll give you an idea of some of the fees associated with filing a trademark. You can read the whole thing here.

Filing a paper form - $375

Filing a Statement of Use - $100

It gets uglier if you’re going international:

The Madrid System for the International Registration of Marks calculates their fees in Swiss Francs. So, just submitting an application fee, using the XE currency converter widget, an application (in color) is 903 CHF (Swiss Franc), which is $1023.00 USD. That’s just the friggin’ form.

Anyways, I can see the allure of branding the protestors. Why not make some cash money off this world-wide phenomenon against capitalism? Anyone see the irony in this? Apparently not the originators as they think this is a good idea. I'm sure they'll be able to get something going in an attempt to make a quick buck. But as much money as they'll have to shovel up front, along with the 3+ month wait list (and don't tell me there won't be someone sitting in the patent office thinking they can stall this for another 9), they'll still have to contend with the protesters, many of whom are against this sort of commercialization to begin with.

Au Revoir Plissken

2011-10-19T17:50:00.000-07:00

In my former Navy life I had the opportunity to travel much of the world. Through the venue of shipboard travel, we were afforded the somewhat luxury of visiting luxurious places. Typical destination vacations one would normally pay over three grand to visit. Granted, hotel accommodation was essentially the same method of travel: the gun-metal gray ship that got me there to begin with. We couldn’t really afford half the places we visited, like Norway, Malta, and France, so we slept in our 3x3x6 rack just until the hangover passed and we could hit the port again.

In one particular port somewhere in Spain, a group of us grizzled veterans (i.e., those of us with one or more deployments under our belt) decided to take out some of the green Squids and show them a good time. “When in Rome” becomes apropos no when there’s no such thing as a drinking age. One of these particular trips had us taking out a young Sailor who had come into the Navy, like most of us, right out of high school. The year was 1998. While I had only graduated three years prior, it seemed to me that this kid knew very little about the world. He seemed to know even less about his own country. Case in point: he’d never heard of Bruce Springsteen. We discovered this juicy bit of gossip as we led him down to the red light district to lose his virginity (that’s a whole different story).

Fast forward to the present. I’ve met someone who’s never heard of Kurt Russell. This I find bizarre. I gave him the benefit of the doubt. Maybe he’s seen a couple of his movies and not realized who the actor was. But, upon questioning, he’s never seen Tombstone, Stargate, Big Trouble in Little China, or Escape from New York. Now, I don’t blame him. It’s not like he’s avoiding these movies because they’re over ten years old, he’s just never seen them. Upon further review, he’s never seen The Godfather (I, II, or III), or Pulp Fiction, either.

Are we failing this generation by not exposing them to the classics? Sure, the term “classics” is subjective – my Citizen Kane may be your Dude, Where’s My Car, but I really, truly, hope not. Where's the disconnect between this generation of movie-goers? Have they seen the new Star Wars flicks before the good ones? Do they know that The A-Team was a TV show? I personally think George Peppard is spinning in his grave, Joe Carnahan.

Can you feel the rolling around down below?

The point I'm hoping to make is that movies before 2000 should be de rigueur viewing. One cannot assume that anything before 2000 is absolute crap. Oh, and FYI, Gerard Butler was going to be in the Escape From New York remake. So was Jeremy Renner. This is what Russell thinks of anyone taking on that role. remake. If you watch it before the original I will find someone to kick you because I am passive aggressive.

Don’t Blame my TiVo

2011-10-12T13:08:00.000-07:00

An article on Deadline.com today posed an interesting question about DVR use. It asked whether or not skipping over ads could portent box office disaster. The movie in question is Summit Entertainment’s (the distribution/production company behind such lofty blockbusters as Step Up 3D, The Beaver, and Furry Vengeance) upcoming release of The Three Musketeers. The article points to a sampling survey of thousands of TiVo subscribers throughout the country.

I feel, however, a more potent question should be: Does making a sucky movie portent box office disaster? Granted, director Paul W.S. Anderson tends to make some flashy action flicks, like the Resident Evil franchise, and hence put his wife, Mila Jovovich (no complaints from this writer), into many of his films, but a flashy action flick does not a blockbuster make (Watchmen anyone?).

Are the film’s backers already doing damage control? Musketeers has already been released in six markets: Austria, Germany (where it was filmed), South Korea, Spain, Thailand, and United Arab Emirates. It has grossed a wee bit over $20 million. Not bad, you say? Well, with production costs hovering right around $100 million, they’ve got a bit of catching up to do to even break even. Most flicks like this really require a strong US opening to make its money before being considered a flop. Unless you’ve made Waterworld, of course, which did much better overseas: $175 million to the US domestic take of $88 million. Flop? I think not! To be fair to this Costner pick, though, the hype was too much and many wanted this movie to fail. But I digress…

With so much being spent on advertising these days, should production companies fear the DVR? Absolutely. Take, for instance, the huge uptick in product placement these days. Try and find a show without it. Extreme Makeover: Home Edition flaunts Sears and Ford; The X-Factor shoves Pepsi down your throat, in a fun reversal of Idol’s Coke-ness; The Office hawks Cisco and HP. And don’t get me started on any CW show. I believe we’re seeing so much more random, and not-so-random, placement because we’re doing our best to avoid commercials altogether

At least 30 Rock does not-so-random right.

Listen, I’m not complaining at all. This is now a part of life, because of our need to remove the constant barrage of advertising. Just this past weekend, I was at Fadó Irish Pub in Seattle (ironic use of product placement) watching the Ireland v. Wales rugby match (sad face). Someone asked me why it wasn’t as popular in the States as it seems to be everywhere else. My response was because there’s very little room for commercials during the broadcast. The only time play truly stops is during halftime. Seriously, if someone gets injured they just play around him.

Underwater rugby: The only sport tougher than regular rugby.

While advertisers tend to get around the lack of commercial breaks by putting banners and graphics highlighting sponsors all over the field and stadium, it isn’t enough to capture the joy of a 30 second ad spot on upcoming releases for swashbuckling movies. At least, however, they’re doing it right, unlike a recent online ad during a baseball game:

Mabelline: not doing it right.

So, will skipping of movie commercials hurt the overall box office take of The Three Musketeers? Maybe. Could the potential awfulness of the movie hurt the overall box office take of The Three Musketeers? Definitely.

Loss of the American Spirit

2011-10-05T16:47:00.000-07:00

Herman Cain gave an interview today with the Wall Street Journal where he lambasted the protestors on Wall Street, saying that those affected negatively by all the wanton corporate greed which led to excessively poor betting and economic turmoil that has in some way affected every single person on this planet, have only themselves to blame. Essentially, it’s not the bank’s fault you’re not rich or powerful, it’s your own fault. It’s your own fault for the automobile industry collapse. It’s your own fault for the shady lending practices that are now being fought in federal court. And, if you’re a Veteran, it’s your own fault that your orders are so darn confusing to JP Morgan Chase bankers that all they can do about it is foreclose on you.

Here’s the deal, though: to an extent, he’s right. While I don’t agree with many of his ideas, chief among them that gay people are ‘godless’, I do see where he’s coming from when it comes to the economy. Some people are naturally born into wealth; kids with trust funds and McMansions built off polo grounds where divot stomping is a past time.

Divot stomping: only rich people may do this task.

The rest of us have to toll in the 9-5 world affectionately known as ‘The Establishment’. We have to sludge through traffic each day to sit in a desk, gossip around a cooler, sludge through the traffic going the other way, go to bed, and then do it all over again. And for those without jobs, like many of the Occupy Wall Street protestors, it’s even worse. They probably wish they could enter the daily grind.

But the arguments, the protestations that the banks and corporations MUST CHANGE NOW and … do what? Apologize and give back the billions it lost or gave in very un-cool CEO payouts? (Sidebar: Meg Whitman, HP’s new CEO, has accepted a $1 salary. Don’t let that fool you. She’ll still rake in millions in stock options and performance goals.) The point is, don’t be silly. You shouting at buildings locked up like Fort Knox is only going to increase the selling of Halls cough drops. Hey, guess what? Hall’s used to be owned by Pfizer. Go figure.

Anyways, back to Herman Cain’s interview statements. If you read around what he said you could come to the conclusion that what he’s actually attacking is our sense of entitlement. We get all this great stuff, this American Dream, because we deserve it. We deserve a white picket fence. We deserve 2.3 kids, a cat, a dog. We deserve to retire at the age of 65. We deserve to move to Florida and bake under the sun till cancer rears its ugly head.

No, we don’t. Not unless we’ve earned that right. Maybe we should all have been given a bailout. Maybe, like those housewives of Wall Street, we should have been given some TARP funds to spend as we wish in an effort to ‘stimulate’ our local economies. Hmm…$220 million spread across 220 million individuals. You can buy a mean piece of Bazooka Joe.

”I will order a large bowl of soup.” ”Waiter, this bowl is wet!” “That is your soup, sir!”

Did you know? The noise in a Discotheque might damage your hearing amounting to a deduction of 17 points from your army health grade.

What has happened to our spirit? That indelible drive to better ourselves? That need for personal accomplishment that can only be derived from hard work? Has the greatest generation taught us nothing? Or are we so stuck in a service economy that each means of production, except for food production, has to be shipped overseas because we absolutely WILL NOT work for anything less than $10 an hour?

I think it’s about time we got over ourselves. Four states had a surplus last year: North Dakota, Arkansas, Montana, and Alaska. These states are in the black. There are so many jobs available that many industries are having a hard time finding people to work. It’s as if no one is willing to work unless the job is on a coast somewhere. The migration away from industry is alarming. Don’t get me wrong, I know it’s hard to uproot a family and move to another state, especially if you’d rather not. Just ask any service member about moving. They often move every two years, four if they’re extremely lucky. But is it better to get yourself in a line of hundreds to pick up a check each week just to buy diapers, or go somewhere and actually succeed without it being handed to you?

Why doesn’t anyone want to live here?

I think it’s time we got off our asses and got back to work. But creating jobs won’t fix anything; no one will be creating anything anytime soon. Occupying current positions certainly will. Be willing to relocate. Be willing to regain that spirit that brought us here to begin with. Be willing to change yourself and your expectations. Or bitch about it and accomplish nothing.

One Word Movie Reviews, Part 1

2011-10-01T18:02:00.001-07:00

Transformers: Dark of the Moon

Meh.

Great Balls O' Flamin' Fat

2011-10-01T16:55:00.000-07:00

So a coroner’s inquest into the death of Michael Faherty, aged 76, has returned the very X-Files-ish (né Fringe-ish) verdict as spontaneous human combustion. While the first case ever reported happened in 1470, with the most recent U.S. case happening in 1986, it stands to reason that the controversies surrounding this phenomenon range from the devil to arc flashes, both being rather fun ways of explaining really bad deaths.

The Devil - a pain in the ass since Isaiah 14:12

Whatever caused the demise of this unfortunate soul is between the individual and God. This whole case seems a bit off-kilter as well. The pathologist said he probably didn't die of heart failure, a conclusion based on the examination of completely cremated remains, which also indicate cause of death could not be determined. What gets me about this whole incident, however, is the fact that the family is satisfied with the extent of the investigation. Doesn't mention if they're okay with the verdict, though. Could you be okay if someone you love is burned to death and the coroner concludes that the death was a result of mysteriously bursting into flames? Now, I'm not here to mock the Irish health system. A lot of my family live there. But I think I'd ask for a second opinion, maybe even a 3rd.

This'll cook your rump:

You must be 21 to enter...Starbucks?

2011-09-27T21:12:00.000-07:00

Like any business, regardless of venture, the worst thing that can happen is stagnation. Just ask Wendy's; they just changed their burger after 42 years, although some companies change so much, one tends to forget what the original marketing scheme was to begin with. Remember when Google was known as BackRub? Or when Nike was known as Blue Ribbon Sports? If you do, you’re old. J

So it stands to reason even a company as diverse as Starbucks would want to venture into different markets. No, they’re not changing their name, and only sort of changing their logo. No, it’s what they’re not doing at five of their Seattle branches. You see, since October of last year, the quintessential Seattle taste has been modified to tackle what food chains like Applebee’s and TGI Fridays have been pimping for a while: the afternoon booze-up. While this isn’t news, per se, what’s made the recent rounds in the local towne shoppes is Starbuck’s shun of Washington wine. The new Issaquah branch only serves one native grape.

Seriously, though, I could give a rat’s ass the selection they serve when it comes to alcohol, but it’s enough to really get some Seattleite’s panties in a bunch. The word is out that local wineries are throwing CEO Shultz the stink eye. Let’s hope that this doesn’t turn into an ugly spout of slapping between two passive-aggressive Washington cultures.

The Greatest Thing the Devil Ever Did

2011-09-16T20:19:00.000-07:00

I try to refrain from lambasting our current administration - everyone knows that the world economy is in the dumps. So when a 'super committee' gets appointed to slash over a trillion from the budget over the next decade - if they can't, then it becomes a mando-slash, slated for 2013 - I start to worry anew. The problem, besides their monumental endeavor, is in keeping transparent. But let's be realistic here - can anyone with any sort of power in D.C. expect their job, especially if it potentially takes money away big corporations who love free government money, to remain transparent and without influence? Short answer: Yeah but no but yeah but no but yeah but no.

The Super Committee get ready for the strenuous budget sessions:

So who's on this committee? More importantly, who are their biggest donors, i.e., lobbyists?

6 Democrats:

Senator Patty Murray - Washington State.
Senator Max Baucus - Montana
Senator John Kerry - Massachusetts
Congressman James Clyburn - South Carolina
Congressman Xavier Becerra - California
Congressman Chris Van Hollen- Maryland

6 Republicans:

Congressman Jeb Hensarling - Texas
Congressman Dave Camp - Michigan
Congressman Fred Upton - Michigan
Senator John Kyl - Arizona
Senator Pat Toomey - Pennsylvania
Senator Rob Portman - Ohio

Opensecrets.org is a great resource for who's at the top of the Lobby List. At the top of the 2010 list shows Portman and Murray at numbers 4 and 5 respectively. Kerry, Clyburn, and Toomey are also on the list. And with over 11,000 lobbyists (that we know of), who have already spent over $1.5 billion this year already, with insurance, real estate, and Big Pharm rounding out the top 3, is it any wonder why we're in such complete disarray?

I am in no way implying that this committee will be unduly influenced. However, even the lobbyists are saying that they're excited about breaking into this group. These guys are arrogant enough to publicly go out there and attempt to hack their way into the ranks of the rank and file.

We know that the super committee won't be in a bubble till November. They'll go home, they'll watch TV, they'll talk to their buddies on the squash court. But what they should really consider is holding these sessions as if they were a grand jury in the most important court case of all time. This, however, is not one of those cases. Unless you're a lobbyist.

Beware the Squash Court Lobbyist!

So, it looks like we'll have another special group of special rich special people being given special amounts of special dollars into their special coffers and we'll get the special end of the special pain stick.

They Still Stand in China

2011-09-10T09:33:00.000-07:00

There is a theme park in Shenzhen, China, called Windows of the World. It's a globe-based attraction where you can visit nearly every part of the planet, all in miniature form. You can tour Paris, India, Romania, and Washington, D.C., in a little under 3 hours. You can meander through the Jurassic Era all the way throughout history, from the pyramids of Giza to the skyscrapers of Manhattan. Speaking of which, the theme park has two very distinctive towers, reaching higher than the rest.

While here in the States, we can sometimes go to great lengths to make sure that we never forget, something this blatantly obvious makes you wonder if having it there is just too much. It's not like China isn't aware of the events that occurred on 9/11, but if images of NYC to many Chinese do contain the Towers, should they be removed? Instead, should the new towers, with 1 WTC slated for occupancy by 2013, replace the 1:15 ratio reproduced for tourists? Maybe they're waiting for the site to be complete. You can contact them at (0755) 26602590 and ask them.

Whatever their reasoning behind keeping the buildings, I don't think it's in any way malicious, nor designed to be insulting. It may simply be just the way many Chinese view NYC, and America in general. While we in the West can go day to day knowing the ins and outs of our country, assuming we watch or read any national news, we probably don't have too much knowledge of what's happening today in China, without it being marred in some scandal that directly relates to us, or a tragedy that makes world news if only because a Western journalist was there to begin with.

For a country and culture that remains predominately tight-lipped as to its inner workings and political thoughts on a world stage, an "amusement park" like this needs to change. We cannot show glory without first recognizing the horrors that brought us there. Like politicians trying to remove slavery from U.S. textbooks, or President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's denial of the Holocaust, trying to subvert fact in the face of commerce, or pure ignorance, is simply wrong.

I think the park, as a whole, is a great idea. It's important to learn about the world as much as we can. And if we cannot afford to visit it, we might as well get as close as possible to the real thing. But that interpretation cannot be an old version, or what we thing people see. At the very least, they should put up a sign, informing tourists that the buildings are no longer standing. Compassion goes a long way.

Never forget.