The Smell of Rain

Something is Wrong.

2012-01-06T14:28:00.000-08:00

I'm not like normal girls. First of all I don't often get along with any females nor males. I feel strange feelings towards everyone and everything. I often stare at everyone assuming once they stop talking I'm supposed to kiss them bye. Most people associate this as me being a harlet. Seeing as this occurs no matter who the person is nor how much I despise them. I just know this isn't normal and I'm thankful I know better than to kiss everyone goodbye. This is one of my more humorous traits. Or one of the only. Another one is how I'd do anything to be covered in bruises. Even if how they got there is of a more serious matter I should deal with I ignore the pain for as long as I can and i just indulge in these markings that show someone or fate really let me have it. Almost as though I associate them as being what I deserve. At night I have to take 6-8 extra strength sleeping pills before I can even feel drowsy, I'm on such high alert at night because I'm afraid of who's in my room and how close they get to me. I feel them watching me and the idea of their hands clenching to the side of my bed has already made me subconsciously sleep as far from the edge as possible. I don't like when people I see touch me. I especially don't like when things I can't always see touch me. The idea of their hands tearing through my bed and grabbing onto me and clenching to my arms and face and neck and legs. Making me unable to move nor scream or fight. But yet the idea that they'd go for my throat brings me to another strange trait of mine. My interest in suffocation and drowning. The fact that neither of these repulse me nor scare me. I'm greatly intrigued rather. I've drown at least 3 times in my life and remember most of it's sensations. Especially a brief moment of bliss as I sat watching others pass by. I felt invisible. If they did see me why didn't they try to save me? Perhaps all bystanders are too intrigued by allowing another to die infront of them just to know what it's like. Anyways I feel that the cause of these traits did not just occur. Nature vs. Nurture. I do not believe that one day my little self decided I'd debate whether to embrace one in tender arms or hurt them and with only one do I still feel alive these days. I was not born to be likely to get shot down by police. But I'm sure if you talked to me about my family we could find a better reason.

She Says Goodbye.

2012-01-05T15:34:00.000-08:00

In all honesty I can tell you my name, but if you ask me to talk about who I really am that's where things get sticky. I can't let alone talk about things I like about me because everything I like seems to have a counteraction that makes me want it to be someone else's. That's where she came from. Taking all of me that I like and separating it from myself to form someone else. If you were to meet her you'd think she was phenomenal. She's gorgeous and so brilliant she's almost mythical. But to me she's very much real. For all that nonsense that I hate about me the fragile pieces and the loose strings and amnesia. That stayed. For all that she is good she is just as bad. If not worse. Almost as though she stole my life from my body leaving this hollow person to roam the world. But of course that is not enough. She wants me dead more so than any girl who hates me. More so than any life i've touched. If anyone dares to beg to differ they should meet her. Of course they will, she hates competition. Not out of fear of losing but more so the annoyance it casts. If you were to have met me before things went wrong and before I lost it all you'd realize I'm nothing like what you would have thought. There's a subconscious tone of mine that tries to build walls and pretend I'm normal, I'm fine, you could even say strong. But once those walls fall down and the darkness drains all strength, the lime light shows that I'm scared, lost and built with glass bones. Within those walls is a divine person a virgin to life. But yet she's living in a place where darkness oozes through the seams. She is trapped within her own fortress and in due time she will die. Then there will be nothing left of me. Not even my other half would survive without her light.

I'm just notifying anyone out there that this is a sign that we're dying.

Iam

2011-10-22T14:09:00.000-07:00

I am this little creature that hangs off your every word, the one you claim to love but throw aside as if it never existed. You claim to do what's best for me by leaving me alone. You do not have the part of me that is made of stone. You hold the infancy of me, the unexposed youth of me that I boarded off from the world. Rather than seeing this as a chance to change what the world has done to me, you leave me. On the ground in the mud. As I lay there I cannot move I am but an infant who was never taught to walk. I strive to stand and move along on my own. But here I am in the mud waiting for someone to come along, someone I can hold onto until my legs strengthen and I can stand alone. But no one will come, because of what you've made me. I am no longer a temptation to others but a disease they want to rid of. Awaiting my time before those in the white jackets come to rid of me I hope you stop taking pity in yourself and acting in such selfish ways. Someone still loves you, but unfortunately you will never love them in return.

The Walk

2011-04-10T18:34:00.000-07:00

I cut across thirteen times before having to go down three separate times. Sometimes when I walk alone I feel dirty, I imagine that I'm the biggest slut to ever exist. I feel my music is my soundtrack to my own so called life, and to be honest I imagine myself as a television program. Because my life is just that eventful. I hate when I try to fool others. A mass amount of people still can find what I try to hide. I don't want to talk to them any longer. I want to just act around them. Completely make them believe it's all hunky dory. I wish everything just drifted away from me like smoke and that it was that easy. I wish that pain didn't take revenge in time. I wish there was a pre-written book about my life. Telling me it all. Who will love me, what i'll be, where i'll be and what all I will see.

Things get really hard though, and I always feel alone. And those who I want to be there for me I either feel I'm trying to impress them, or hide myself from them. I think so much and so hard on everything that I just hate everything. I hate the idea that perhaps one day they'll replace me.

But for now I'm going down and cutting across and drawing these pathetic hearts on my arms.

3D and Courses

2011-03-26T15:05:00.000-07:00

Because also in my next art semester I have 3D I feel obligated to use it as an excuse to make this. Or a few of these. I wish my school had a jewelry making course. But I'm quite excited for 3D, though a teacher I dislike may be teaching it.

I've gotten this idea that for year 12 I shall take Media, Journalism, AP1 English (a University leveled course), Multi-Credit Art, and Creative Writing. While Possibly taking an online History course (or two).

Then I shall do a Victory Lap and in which I shall take: Fashion, Hairstyling and Aesthetics, Business/Marketing (I want to have a shop one day, so this may be needed), Parenting, Food and Nutrition, Apparel and Textile Design, and another Fashion course IF POSSIBLE.

And I'm considering doing another year to take what is known as "Specials" generally I'd be studying/mastering in two areas of my choice. My choice would consist of either Drawing, Textiles, Printmaking or Painting. Those I really happen to love.

Clearly I love learning seeing as I didn't give myself any "spares." Oh well.

I Need It

2011-03-26T14:30:00.000-07:00

I wish to have grey hair and a star mask please. I feel I could make it work somehow, maybe incorporate it into the wave I had planned? I really like this, perhaps far too much. But I surely really like this. Running it past my mum may turn to her and I in an fist fight, but I may just save up for it myself. I think personally that if I had this colour I'd look well more matured. Plus it's not like I haven't been drawing myself as a blond a lot recently in my drawing class. I just felt it kind of well.. fit.
Plus grey hair and smokey eyes and some crazy colour of lime crime lipstick would be most stellar.

I'd probably die my eyebrows black and i bet taking care of my roots would be a pain. But oh well a well needed investment I say.

Seeing as I'm not entirely fond of my face I too see that as an investment. So I need to Lime Crime my face, and actually think what I should do with my appearance.

This Isn't Entirely A Verbal Post

2011-03-26T14:00:00.000-07:00

This has to do with Lime Crime, and my obsession. I'm soo obsessed I know in order for me to get some I need to have 23$ on my paypal account. For 1 lipstick. WELL WORTH IT THOUGH! And here's why...

Alice

2011-03-26T13:13:00.000-07:00

Though how devilish they are I think I wish I could have gossiping flowers. I take interest in gossip, no idea why. But I do. I wish I could be let in on things, though how devastating they may be. I like being in the circle, and aware of all.

This Valley is Cruel

2011-03-26T13:09:00.000-07:00

I don't know how long I've lived here, and I don't know how somehow I know this town like the back of my hand. But I'm jealous because so many others can leave there home and head on over to a friends house in town. Where as I feel completely alone in this town. I either know no one or generally this town consists of people i hate(highly dislike). No one's real here, no one's nice. Ignorant Valley people who are going nowhere in life. They bullied me and treat me like sh!t, now I'm going places just to be able to tell people about them. To have them feel embarrassed. As I become someone and they spend their sad lives thinking "I knew her." None can call me their friend.

Drop Out

2011-03-26T12:55:00.000-07:00

I wish it were possible for me to be like Third Degree Burn, drop out of school, have no family, live almost alone and be doing something I love. There's an enormous amount of things I love to do. I'd kill to be a writer, a self publisher, an artist, a photographer, a dancer/choreographer, an actress, a director, a screen writer, a roadie, a paid partier, a party planner...

I wish I was born in the time where all this was capable for a drop out. I'm still in school and I still love learning. I just don't want to be in school.

I Hate My Head At Times

2011-03-26T12:43:00.000-07:00

I quite like his hat. For some reason feel I want to talk about me and hats/helmets. Odd but there's a reason behind it.

I can pull off hats, like caps and such. But yet I can't tell what the size of my head is. I often get hats that give me headaches cause they're tight. So I wear them so they're nearly falling off, but then of course they fall off.
I cant wear other peoples hats cause they are massive usually.
And I find that when I go to get helmets I'm a smaller size but yet the helmet looks massive on me.

Though physically I feel big headed, emotionally I feel really self conscience about the size of my head.

April 15th

2011-03-26T12:35:00.000-07:00

After April 15th I have a new semester in art. Unfortunately I may not have my beloved Heene. BUT however I have painting. I really love painting. I was in the painting class on Friday. I was ripping paper for my print class and was watching their presentations of their abstract pieces. I personally don't do abstract. But then found an inspiring piece..

I really quite love this. Like It's surely abstract. Now don't get me wrong I'm not doing EXACTLY this, I may not be capable of such. But the general idea I like. Knowing me I'd do a portrait of some half woman half fox creature, a demon or a mermaid. OR perhaps a unicorn or a mustache. All would make for a fantastic absract piece.

High Society

2011-03-26T12:29:00.000-07:00

I wish I hung out in a really posh crowd still. I love how romantic and smart they were. How when we had heart to hearts it felt like we were alone in the universe together. I really liked feeling like I was better then so many others. Looking in a mirror and looking like I was some rich b!tch. Being able to have pictures taken and look like someone who would be reblogged 1000 times on tumblr in a half hour. I can't dress entirely like myself because my group of friends is just... judgmental, childish, still teenagers. I'm in the art department, I know what people expect of us. I want to be a fashion icon at my school. I want to bring back my posh.

Please Home

2011-03-26T12:20:00.000-07:00

I stumbled across this really modern house and if I were to aquire it I'd make it look like rustic and as if nature had over grown it and as if it were semi falling apart. Anyways here it is..

I like this, BUT I prefer dark stained wood that has grey hues. A grey/charcoal marbled tile. Black/charcoal grouting, and little light blue hues here 'n' there.

I like this, but yet again. Dark wood stain with a eroded grey hue/feel. but i like the white. I just kind of want it to look dark... Makes me feel like some creature of the night.

I especially love this, I no doubt would add like an entire wall just to be a bookself cause I'll have enough books for such. I'd add hanging little light bulb plants near a small indoor garden where the plant and books are. Stain everything in a dark wood finish that has that grey hue I clearly love. Cover that one entire wall in a collage of pictures, and same for my bedroom just in addition grey walls.

No Love From Behind

2011-03-26T12:00:00.000-07:00

I generally still feel quite uncomfortable when around those who are gay. I believe the thought of anal and head seeing as they are things I'd NEVER do and for head rarely ever do that the thought of when being told about my gay friends sex lives and the thought of my own boyfriend perhaps even one day being in that type of relationship it makes me extremely uncomfortable. No matter how much I tell them I doubt they'd ever stop. If anything they just distance me as a friend because they say I don't "accept" them. I accept love in every form. But love from behind makes me uncomfortable and I rather just not be told EVERY gruesome detail. Please and Thank you.

Meaning in the Makeup

2011-03-26T10:43:00.000-07:00

I feel so uncomfortable with my body once again. I just wish life had simulators to change myself and only myself to every little detail.
For my face I'd keep some of it the same. I'd remove all redness, darken my freckles, clean up my eyebrows so they are permanently perfect, add either a monroe or angel bites (piercings), make my eyes bigger, make my eyelashes longer, give my skin a grey ill looking hue. Make my forehead look less like a fivehead, remove the dark rings around my eyes, and add this more i'm dieing discoloration to them.
I want to be thin, like twiggy but healthy, like a yoga instructor: thin but with muscle. Pretty much like a majority of celebrities. I want to have a body that appeals to everyone. A body no one could judge. I want to be perfect, flawless in every way.
I want to have a longer torso, I feel so stumpy and that my hips are so distorted and gimpy. I want slightly larger boobs and a longer neck.
I want to still be short and adorable. But I want to be able to have an outstanding ability to make people's jaws fall off.

I just want to like myself with out having to wear makeup.

New Hair..

2011-03-26T10:31:00.000-07:00

I've been wanting to change my hair recently. Though I love how ruby red my hair is I want a change.
Sure I must wait for this to fade, not to mention that being red I may need to actually get someone to TRY to remove as much of it as possible.
I was told to dye it blue, and I agree blue would be awesome. But I want it to look like a wave and in order to do that I'd need to capture what waves truly grace our eyes with.

There is off white, teal, some light greens, and well blue.

There is a lot of shading in waves, a lot of transitions and harmony of colour.
Clearly I was going to be in for a challenge.
My first thought was to get my sister's roommate to do almost what she's done to her hair to my own. It generally looks like this..

I believe it's known as "dipped." This way I can make the top/roots dark blue, and lighten it as it comes down to the blond. Eventually mixing a personal blend of "Mystery Colour" to the lighter sections. Hoping it comes out in a random ocean like feel.

My option number two is to go to my hair salon and pay like 300$ for it to be done, which is in my opinion a good investment. But yet again so is... my bunny, school, a new phone, a laptop *a mac book*, and a trip home.

Decision making is surely not my forte.

Killing in The Name Of (His End)

2011-03-26T10:17:00.000-07:00

He really shouldn't have hurt me. Though it's not like he didn't ask for this, constantly scaring me with the talk of an end to him. Not caring that he made me want to end myself. Everything has an outcome and this one was his end.
I remembered not to go and get attached. I just went to his house and did what we always did. watched tv, played video games and talked. I told him I wasn't hungry so he didn't use the oven or anything.
I personally couldn't smell the gas nor could he. But I knew it was there.
He also told me of all his family's plans for the day. I held back a smirk as he said his father may be getting promoted, his mother won a prize and his brother got invited to one of the greatest parties in town.
Little did he know it was all me. Little did he know my intentions.
As I went to go I ensured to leave my lighter on the desk where he always sits. I said bye but he insisted on a hug. The strange feeling it gave me, something was up.
I went and walked to the bus stop but rather sat on the bench in front of the church and waited fifteen minutes as the sun set before calling him.
I grabbed my phone and dialed his number. He seemed happy I called, I told him that I had left my lighter there and was considering coming back for it. He said he was just upstairs but would go down in a second. He seemed happy at the thought of me returning and said that he felt something different. He said that he felt amazing when with me. I heard him walk downstairs and into his room. He continued ranting on about this new world of feelings for me. He said to me "I think I love you" right as I heard the lighter click, and then felt and watched the explosion.

As shrapnel flew through the air, a large chunk hit the cross on the top of the building sending the cross torpedoing towards the ground and myself. As it abruptly impaled itself into the ground in an upright satanic pose I ended the call and said to myself "It's better to know then think."

Killing in The Name Of (Continued...)

2011-03-26T09:59:00.000-07:00

I made the plan, it was completely flawless. I just needed to call in some favors. You see my father isn't a typical valley dad. His past got him into a bit of a situation. You see he had the head leader of this biker gang that's feared throughout this world by the throat in a boat in the middle of a lake. Asking him which side he wanted to go in because either way he's in huge sh!t. So my dad needed protection I guess, protection for himself, his wife and his daughters. So he got protection, from places where good protection comes from "The Mens Club" sounds like a clean association for gentleman. Though to my later years I learned that as a child my father spent a majority of his weekends in jail: this was the men's club. As benefits to this protection we have the men who protect them have grown close to me. A majority of them I call my uncles, though no family connection what so ever. The plan was clean. I needed someone in the business of checking the gas meter to go in and change a few things. Make that meter that detects high amounts of gas in the air "malfunction" and for him to leave a note saying any strange smell is due to tests they are currently doing on the entire system. This note will only be seen by my friend. He will be the only one home. I plan to get the wives of my uncles to snatch his mother away to the spa telling her she won an all expenses paid trip to the best spa around, and by around I mean it will be far out of town. His father will be called away to work, seeing as a few of my uncles are higher in power at the business he works for. When the "Big Man" calls you in, you don't question you just go. And for his brother, generally distracting him is simple. Get women, booze and some mary jane and you wont see him till the next weekend. My plan was in action the last step was all up to me. I just needed to do this one personally.

Killing in The Name Of

2011-03-26T09:40:00.000-07:00

I told him not to be stupid, But who ever listens these days?
We were talking like any other occasion. We had made plans for me to come over on Friday, I intended to use his house as a base. Stay in the room that has the best escape. I was going to use him for I was needed the next day in town and wanted to have the upper hand by being able to bus from a simple location. Using a guy who you call your friend, isn't the best sounding but it's not like he hasn't done worse to me.
When talking of the plans he went and created a disaster, though I was the one who brought it up. The question of what am I to you? What do you want from me? His friends who are mine too know to answer this one to what I want to hear. They usually say how they want to be in my life and runaway with me someday. Not as lovers though you can tell that they'd want that to be part of the plan. Using forever and runaway when talking to me, usually gets me interested/ on board.
But his idiotic response is why I did what I did.
I was tired of him using me, I was tired of thinking he was being sincere. I thought he cared, I really did. But he FINALLY explained himself. He came clean.
Apparently I was never a friend to him, in fact it's hard for him to have female friends. The reason we stopped being as close is because I don't put out. Though one only knows the very given reasons of why I don't. Besides my strong attachment and loyalty to my boyfriend I've sprinkled that with disgust for who he's fucked in the past and impaled a "friend card" into this poisonous cake we call a friendship.
But he decided to tell me. I wasn't his friend at all, probably never was. This entire time he had just wanted into my pants. He wanted to see how much I'd let him do to me because how attached he made me to him. I told him I don't need him, I said he could go die.
But he told me that one day I'd come crawling back to him.
I had to prove him wrong. So I did something I never thought I'd do. Something I never thought I would go through with. But I did it.

Poetry is Painful

2011-03-19T23:09:00.000-07:00

Boy says:

Do you still love me?

Girl says:

i dont know, since you wanted to break up with me my love fought for you. i felt i was at the end of a plank with you having a sword to me trying to push me off and that both hands clenched your sword holding onto it ripping through me. so clearly it was strong. but everyone grows weak the more they bleed and if anything my flames grown small.

i still love you i always will. but i can say that my feelings have changed.

Cruetiny: A Definition

2011-03-09T10:38:00.000-08:00

Cruetiny: (Crew-tin-knee);
A word I created to mean a cruel destiny. Crue originating from Cruelty, and the Tiny is not referring to the size of the cruelty but how ever the fate the be sat upon us all.

They Did Me In

2011-03-09T10:35:00.000-08:00

It all started in a chair. My first taste of medications. The first hook that dug into my young flesh. All for some act of boredom that bloomed from my neglect. Taken to ER to get it all out. I couldn't breathe, But I was still stubborn. I refused medication, so they strapped me down into what my mum refers to as "Something from the Silence of The Lambs." They sedated me and forced my medications into my skull. This was the first taste of it.

Soon later in another chair I sat scared for my wit of what would happen, the drills turning, the sound of sour breathing on a creamy coast of wall. In walked the dentist who told me of what was going to be done. They wanted to give me needles, in my youthful mouth. I cried so they gassed me with what they call "Laughing Gas." This hypnotic gas took me away and soon enough they were done. But what they had unleashed in me had only just begun.

My body became dependent on that land they took me to. The pain killers and gases really did in to be true. I never thought of it like this before. But ever since my time began in 1994 my path was marked in the stars and a cruetiny was formed. They made me go there they made this happen. The caused my addictions to watch if my body would fathom.

Solitude Gifts

2011-03-09T10:14:00.000-08:00

I don't like the packing up aspect of moving. As I sat on the floor taking all these things that cluttered my home and made it a comforting structure to me and putting them in newspaper and on top of one another in boxes. I thought this is like taking the home out of a structure. There is less home here for me now then there was before. I now spend time thinking of those objects all folded away from my eyes. I feel worried for their safety for they are all so fragile. Though I never knew of their existence, they all were packed away by me. We became acquainted and connected and I can still feel them.

I hope moving in is soon so I can take them all out of their nice little packaging like fresh presents.

When It Comes Time

2011-03-09T10:00:00.001-08:00

I feel like this is a reasonable ending.

But don't worry now, I still have a to-do list. Once I complete that this will be fate.