The Smoking Cupcake

The Cupcake has moved...

2010-01-18T07:22:00.001-08:00

Unless you're the asshole that keeps posting ads in the comments section of my Bad Lieutenant posts, feel free to navigate to my brand new page found at www.thesmokingcupcake.com.

See you there!

The Case for Bad Lieutenant: Part II

2009-10-24T16:18:00.000-07:00

The Smoking Cupcake responds to Andrew Wells (see “Comments” section from “The Case for Bad Lieutenant”):

This notion of conventionality that Mr. Wells rehashes (I use the word rehash since, from his argument, it's clear that he didn’t read the Cupcake’s original post closely enough) is an oft heard complaint with all things New Order, no more so than in the reviews of Never Cry Another Tear – which, coincidentally, was one of his original points. It’s also a complete crock of shit, for conventionality is a simple, subjective term elitist-types like to throw around when evaluating works of art. Debating a work’s conventionality is a lot like debating something’s “quality” – what’s quality to one person isn’t necessarily for another (for more on that, see: Pirsig, Robert M. and his many discussions of the concept) (It also brings to mind Jules Winnfield’s take on sewer rat during the final scene of Pulp Fiction: “Hey, sewer rat might taste like Pumpkin Pie but I’d never know ‘cause I’d never eat the filthy mutherfucker.”).

Anyway...

The Cupcake thought it was evident that he wasn’t defending Never Cry Another Tear as a masterwork. Nor was The Cupcake vague by any stretch of the imagination that Sumner et al. have indeed become, to use Wells’ term, conventional over the years – that is if you want to use that term the way he apparently defines it. The Cupcake prefers to think of this as, say: maturing, experimenting with other directions, or, heaven forbid, getting older and simply not giving a fuck about changing the shape of modern music and settling comfortably into elderstatesmenship status. People like Mr. Wells that constantly complain about stuff like conventionality with New Order are missing the boat, especially when they make ridiculously egotistical statements like: conventional listeners “cannot (or prefer not to) identify the lack of substance in the work as many of the surface elements remain in place.” If I wanted to dumb the discussion down in this manner, I could just as easily say that elitist snobs aren’t listening hard enough (which, evidently, they aren’t) and would do well to invest in a good set of headphones, crack open a beer and spend the next 45 minutes in an uninterrupted Bad Lieutenant-induced listening session but that’s too easy.

The evidence…

I can only surmise that by the term conventional, Wells means that latter day New Order et al. have consistently mined the same song structures, pitch points and chords over and over, with repeated effect and success but, through a photocopy-like process, a noticeable disintegration of brilliance and luster has slowly emerged with each repeat of the process. I’m not really sure what to say to that. Am I supposed to, for example, hold it against the band that they’ve knocked out more tracks like “Jetstream” in the last 20 years instead of “Ultraviolence?” If Wells wants to take the time to explain why one track is more conventional than the other, I’m all ears. The Cupcake prefers to hear in a track like “Jetstream” the fundamental building blocks that “Ultraviolence” laid down, not hassle them for sounding conventional. It’s all still there, some people just choose to ignore it and bitch about things like conventionality like a little pig-tailed girl named Sally.

In case Wells hasn’t noticed, New Order have, since around the Brotherhood era, sounded, at least by his rather thin definition of the term, “conventional.” Logically, after three records on which they were trying to pin down their direction and the contain the various mutuations of the sound their Joy Division beginnings produced, by album #4 a repeatable yet unique sound had emerged. From that point forward, everything they’ve done has pretty much followed that blueprint with tweaks here and there. And, most importantly, every time any of them individually, or the band collectively, deviates from this blueprint, they’re accused of being things like conventional or boring or trying too hard to milk past success with limited results. I don’t get it. Take a track like “Crystal” for example. Not only didn’t it sound like anything any other band was doing at the time (or now for that matter), it sounded perfectly unconventionally conventional enough to have been found on any record New Order ever recorded, save for Movement. You can’t have your cake and eat it too – something the reviewers and detractors keep trying to do over and over every time some new red meat comes out to review. Never Cry Another Tear has tons of unconventionally conventional New Order moments, but that’s not the point, because Bad Lieutenant have also clearly charted their own direction and sound conventionally unconventional in their own right. If anyone knows of any other bands that are putting out tracks like “This Is Home” other than Bad Lieutenant, drop that knowledge on The Cupcake pronto.

Moving on (no pun intended)…

I’m not really sure what Wells' point is in saying “there’s nothing wrong with being a conventional pop listener.” It certainly sounds like he thinks there is. If he truly doesn’t look down his nose at conventional pop listeners, he likely wouldn’t have taken the time to introduce the conventionality angle, nor would he have taken the opportunity to make the veiled dig that The Cupcake’s original piece was produced because he felt “personally attacked” that discerning listeners (like, presumably, Mr. Wells) and reviewers pointed a bunch of shit out that The Cupcake didn’t agree with. As I flatly stated several times in “The Case for Bad Lieutenant,” my original gripes were about how, technically, the album was reviewed, not that the reviews were only saying the album was merely okay. If someone, anyone, had written a review that avoided each and every pitfall The Cupcake made note of in Part I (e.g., Barney’s less than stellar lyrical prowess, etc.), he would have been perfectly content to accept it from the “everyone’s entitled to their own opinion” school of reasoning. But they didn’t do that. They chose instead to write a series of trite, shallow and ill-formulated reviews, largely ignoring the actual record.

Never Cry Another Tear has not been given a fair shake in the music press. Its been on the receiving end of drive-by journalism from the beginning. The only personal attack The Cupcake suffered was one of multiple counts of exposure-to-shitty-journalism.

TSC
10/24/09

The Case for Bad Lieutenant

2009-10-21T13:51:00.001-07:00

OK. I won’t hide it. I’ll just come right out and say it. I love Joy Division. I love New Order. I think Electronic’s first record is one of the best records of the 1990’s. “State Of Shock” and “What Do You Want from Me” repeatedly cattle-brand my psyche. Even “Superhighways” competes hard with New Order’s better singles. So, while the pure cane sugar of Joy Division’s original blueprint has certainly been watered-down with artificial sweetener over the years, there has never been any justifiable reason to question the collective concept of New Order. This was no truer back in 1983 when Power, Corruption and Lies came out than it is now with the debut release of Barney’s new project, Bad Lieutenant. Unfortunately, music critics, being the fickle, contradictory (more on that later) and generally unhappy lot they are, have been whittling away at the New Order legacy for a while now. It started with Republic, extended through all the various side endeavors and the New Order Version 2.0 years and, not surprisingly, continues with the ridiculously trite reviews of Never Cry Another Tear.

Now, I’m not going to sit here and waste anyone’s time purporting that Never Cry Another Tear is a 5-star affair worthy of Technique-like adoration, but I am going to use all my Vincent Bugliosian powers to set some shit straight because nothing annoys me more than flimsy, clichéd arguments that are outright unjustified. Don't worry, I’m not going to “review” Never Cry Another Tear. Reviews are inherently subjective (even though they should be objective), so any critique I could offer has already been contaminated by the beginning of this article, thus providing the likes of Petridis (which sounds suspiciously like detritus...), Roffman, Ashman and Ewing a Nagasaki-like yield of explosive retort.

My aim here is purely prosecutorial against crimes of the ivory tower variety. No more, no less.

There is one assumption in what follows: If you’re reading this, I'm assuming you’re already familiar with the story. This is no Joy Division 101, etc.

Barney writes shit lyrics.

This complaint mystifies me, and if I have to see it one more time, I’m taking hostages. How many times do we have to be reminded that Bernard Sumner isn’t William Shakespeare? Is it really necessary to kick the poor guy in the nuts every time you review one of his records by repeatedly using terms like “cringe-worthy” and “riot inducing?” We’ve known this for the 30 odd years he’s been the one penning the lyrics, and it hasn’t bothered us in the least. I still don’t know what the fuck “Blue Monday” is supposed to be about, but the lyrics sound cold, foreboding and mysterious, which is, I assume, the exact feeling Barney was going for. Moreover, until recently, I don’t recall his peculiar talent with the pen bothering most in the critical world. It was almost like, all of sudden, some asshole critic zeroed in on “Slow Jam” and the microscope of redundant criticism started flowing like that spooky and unstoppable acidic blood in Alien.

Generally, we laugh the same way Barney laughs in “Every Little Counts” at his frequent, yet endearing, simplistic lyrical structures. And you know why, cuz no one really gives a shit about its simplicity because Sumner’s work has always been about the sum of its parts, not one great talent making up for a multitude of other deficiencies. Not only is pointing this shortcoming out a completely unnecessary dig at Sumner (and, in Bad Lieutenant’s case, Jake Evans as well), it tells all of us that have appreciated everything Sumner’s been involved with that the reviewer has completely missed the whole “arrangement + execution axis” of New Order’s brilliance.

Anyone who’s listened to New Order knows the lyrics are mostly a peripheral to the overall experience. In fact, Sumner’s unorthodox voice/delivery often creates an additional dimension to the music that enhances the meticulous arrangements and execution. I’ve often said – and my guess is almost everyone reading this article would agree – New Order are a feeling. Their music is existential. So what if Barney gets things jumbled and resorts to grade school rhymes on occasion? I can still tell what he’s trying to say regardless because the arrangements and execution of the actual music tell me exactly what I should be hearing.

With all apologies to Barney, who I’m sure puts genuine effort into writing lyrics (at least it looked that way in that Prozac documentary), lyrics to a New Order song are what dialogue is to a Stanley Kubrick film - most of the time merely complimentary and 90% of the time purely a function of the music. Kubrick, like any great visual artist, was a master at communicating feeling via image. Sumner and New Order at large are masters at communicating feeling via their command of the aural; an achievement that is much more abstract, and surely 10 times more impressive, than using rhythm as a backdrop to storytelling (one of the many reasons I avoid rap, spoken word, REM, etc with pandemic-like apprehension).

What’s funny is I thought this was common knowledge to anyone that knew fuck all about the band (e.g., critics) and their many incarnations. Yet rarely, if ever, does one see the critical mass acknowledge this fact. Apparently, if you believe what the critics say, Never Cry Another Tear suffers mightily from lyrical shortcomings.

Utter bullshit. The day Barney starts making anything other than opaque sense or writing like Morrissey is the day I set my record collection on fire.

Never Cry Another Tear sounds too much like, but only “sort of” like, New Order, but not enough like New Order given their preternatural gift of artistic advancement.

Confused? I am too.

I suppose you can have your cake and eat it too when you critique music for a living. See, on one hand, its perfectly acceptable to trash a band like U2 for deviating from their original recipe by recording Zooropa or taking that road to its logical conclusion by recording an album like Pop, thereby forcing them to abandon all creative experimentation and, as a result, back to recording stone-aged U2-by-numbers records like All That You Can’t Leave Behind. Yeah, U2 move a lot of product, sell a shitload of concert tickets and have legitimately established themselves as the elder statesmen, but for a band I don’t care for all that much, I was crushed when Bono and crew deep-sixed the experimentation of the 90’s in favor of safer waters. I was actually beginning to like them.

With New Order, and by extension here, Bad Lieutenant, it seems the opposite is true…but only at times. Since Technique, the critical word has revolved around New Order failing to maintain their "edge" and producing predictable album after predicatable album. During the Get Ready era, they were even accused of, ahem, poaching off of their past to fill in gaps that existed from a lack of ideas. This latter accusation (there’s no other word for it) has been routinely used when looking at Bad Lieutenant’s effort. In fact, Neil Ashman of Drowned In Sound actually writes a disclaimer at the beginning of his review telling us he’s not clever enough to objectively review Never Cry Another Tear, opting instead to measure it against New Order’s back catalogue . Five words came to my mind after reading said disclaimer: what a load of shit.

Most of the reviews (even the ones without disclaimers) predictably follow the same structure, basically: Never Cry Another Tear isn’t a bad record because it sounds like New Order, but it only sounds like New Order-without-the-bass and we really wish Barney would just “invent” another “sound” because he’s been part of a band that dependably did that a whopping two times in 30+ years of making music. And these are the same people that say Sumner’s lyrics are simple.

This is the deal – and, again, you already know this. New Order have always sounded like New Order because no other band in the history of recorded music has ever sounded like New Order. Yes, they evolved, and, yes, there are clear nuances between, say, Power, Corruption and Lies and Republic. That doesn’t change the fact that every New Order record still has the New Order “sound.” It doesn’t change the fact that every New Order record has an electronic component and an acoustic component and when the band is firing on all cylinders, they manage the unique feat of combining those two halves seamlessly and creating, undeniably, a sound all their own. Even in advanced age, that sound is still unique and driving. And feeling. And, yes, when you take one or two elements away, there is a certain hollowness, but that shouldn’t, and doesn’t, torpedo the rest of the effort.

The critics here are convinced that Never Cry Another Tear is, simultaneously, sort of okay because it sort of sounds like New Order but claim it would have sounded better if Hooky actually played bass but would have been even better, without Hooky, had Bad Lieutenant pulled an acid-house-style revolutionary rabbit out of their hat. And contradiction abounds.

As a great admirer of their unique art, whether it be as a collective or separate, I can still be objective and say some of this record does sound like a 10th generation New Order photocopy. But, it’s also been 26 years since Power, Corruption and Lies (the first New Order album where an identifiable course was charted...) and, by my count, Never Cry Another Tear is in actuality a 16th generation photocopy . So, should it surprise anyone that, absent Peter Hook, portions of this album sound vaguely (but not too vaguely!) like New Order? No. After 26 years, is anyone surprised that there’s a vaguely watered-down quality to the New Order-like elements? No. Does it surprise anyone that now, having cruised to the latter side of 50, Barney might actually prefer to merely refine the sound he helped propagate along with just a handful of other people? No. Is there a reason why no one is pointing any of this shit out? Yes. To put it simply, it's way to easier to peg something you can’t quite comprehend or accept on a band being lazy or boring or both – which is pretty much what every reviewer has done in Bad Lieutenant's case.

It should surprise no one that the reviews make little reference to the fact that Bad Lieutenant isn’t New Order. If more was made of this relatively simple (there’s that word again) concept, perhaps the album would have been evaluated objectively. Speaking of comparisons, non-comparisons and general vibes that would have been warranted…

This is home.

In all those aforementioned references to New Order, Mr. Detritus et al somehow forget to mention the most New Order-influenced track on the entire record, “This Is Home.” More than any other track, the song structure here is classic New Order. From the opening bass chords that should instantly remind you of 1978 to the near-perfect confluence of the electronic-acoustic mix New Order own the patent on, “This Is Home” is no fuzzy photocopy. It’s a pure original, Hook or no Hook. Add in the sweeping, building final third that includes a mandatory bass solo, combined with the abrupt, hollow ending, and you’ve got what I wouldn’t be surprised to learn is one of those mysterious leftovers from the Waiting for the Sirens’ Call sessions we keep hearing about.

So why the fuck is this song not mentioned in all those ill-founded comparison arguments? I can’t be completely sure, but my guess is it has something to do with Jake Evans’ vocals…

Jake.

If there’s one thing I hate more than unjustified arguments and critiques, it’s the lazy-reviewer tactic of simple (again!) comparisons. I’m not talking about saying things like “Bad Lieutenant sound like New Order” – as I’ve already said, in a roundabout way, that’s an understandable and rather complex comparison. I’m talking more about saying things like “Jake Evans sounds like INSERT NAME OF DEEP/DRONING/HE OF THE HEART-FELT DELIVERY BRITISH CROONER OF CHOICE.” This has been a most popular way of avoiding any actual substantive evaluation of Jake Evans and his contribution to the record.

Jake does sound like Jimi Goodwin. He also sounds like Noel Gallagher. So the fuck what? It’s not his fault God blessed him with a voice whose frequency is in approximate range to another British singer that, unfortunately for Jake, has sold over 100 million records in the last 15 years. Of course, the one thing that’s lost is Jake sounds more like Jake than anyone else I could compare him to. In fact, if I was Jake I’d take those comparisons as compliments…until I realized that I sound better than either of them.

Holding these comparisons over Bad Lieutenant’s head like they’re a minus instead of a plus is ridiculous. This guy can belt. I can see why Barney referred to him as a “gifted” singer in the publicity leading up to the album’s release. Why his voice is being held against him is a mystery to me. And if you’re going to evaluate him, let’s hear why he’s allegedly not a good fit or voice instead of how singing an admittedly Gallagher-esque tune like “Head Into Tomorrow” disqualifies him from being a decent vocalist. His inclusion adds yet another dimension to the music that further separates Bad Lieutenant from New Order. It’s a shame the reviews resort to nickel and dime comparisons that tarnish his contribution.

Steve’s drumming is pedestrian.

This won’t take long because the same reviewer that made this assertion also made it a point, nay; a cornerstone of his review, to say that Bad Lieutenant is clearly a “guitar rock” band. If so, logic would dictate that on Never Cry Another Tear, the human drum-machine otherwise known as Stephen Morris would be relieved of his former duties that often required him to maintain 100 bpms over and over. In this new incarnation, of course the percussion is going to sound thin – if you drop the caveat that he used to be forced to keep up with, among other things, electronic sheep, the drumming sounds perfect. Sometimes, it’s that obvious people.

Absolutely ridiculous.

Postscript.

I hope Bad Lieutenant’s future output is reviewed with greater objectivity and, more importantly, originality. If Sumner and New Order are indeed as widely respected as described in every one of these reviews I’ve taken issue with, an unbiased ear is what they deserve the most.

Maybe Hooky will fare better upon the release of his Freebass material. If it ever comes out.

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2009

My farewell to President George W. Bush

2009-01-21T08:41:00.000-08:00

Dear Mr. President,

With all the hoopla of your successor’s inauguration festivities, I thought it would be a great opportunity to write you and let you know about the many ways your exodus to Texas will affect me. See, I figure since we’ve shared the last 8 years together, largely on your terms, you might like to hear what an average American like me will ultimately think of as Marine 1 sails you away:

I will miss your giant Presidential-seal belt buckle.

I will miss your skills as an “opening day” pitcher. If Presidential success was based on skills such as these, you would be President for life.

I will miss your sneak-attack, impromptu back-rubs of female foreign heads-of-state.

I will miss Bob Woodward books about how totally ass-f***ing-backwards your administration ran the war.

I will miss your affinity for bold, yet sometimes misguided declarations. For example you knocked my socks off when you told Saddam that he had “until sundown” to leave Iraq before our invasion. Very, very Dallas of you, sir!

I will miss your eloquence when reading children’s books.

I will miss your stiff arms.

I will miss your command of folksy sayings such as the “fool me once” adage that you were able to use to such great effect.

I will miss your boss door-opening skills, especially the time when you displayed them in front of the entire Chinese press corps.

I will miss your deft piloting and landing skills (on an aircraft carrier at that!).

I will miss your physical fitness, which was no doubt responsible for your cat-like reflexes during that whole shoe-attack thing.

I will miss having you show our Olympic athletes encouragement.

I will miss your ability (or lack thereof) to enunciate.

I will miss knowing my President, the keeper of the secret codes, can use a chainsaw.

I will miss your extreme pretzel-eating.

I will miss the look on Vladimir Putin’s face that says, “What the hell is this guy talking about?!” so frequently seen whenever the two of you got together.

I will miss those killer orange-jump suits you’ve helped make so fashionable down in Guantánamo.

I will miss your truly unique vocabulary including words like evildoers, strategery and unificator.

I will miss that deer-in-the-headlights look you got every time you had to remember a foreign leader’s name.

I will miss seeing you have to endure hanging with Nancy Pelosi (I’m not singling you out here, I feel bad for President Obama on this issue as well…)

I will miss your insufficient troop-deployments to Afghanistan.

I will miss your relentless quest to reduce American’s civil liberties to that of a banana republic.

I will miss your effort to privatize the military courtesy of “respectable” American “security and logistics” companies like Blackwater and Halliburton.

I will miss starting wars with sovereign nations under suspiciously flimsy circumstances.

I will miss your undeniable ability to prepare the country’s emergency-response infrastructure for catastrophic natural and man-made disasters.

I will miss New Orleans.

I will miss your inability to explain, let alone understand, complex issues of geo-politics, economics and military strategy.

I will miss being reminded on an almost daily basis that 9/11 occurred on your watch. Thanks for making sure we all remember you were the asleep-at-the-wheel Commander-In-Chief leading up to that crisis – its taking responsibility that counts!

I will miss your VP, Darth Cheney, and his hypocritical, foul-mouthed, perverted slant on life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.

I will miss massive abuses of power such as the U.S. Attorney firings that resulted from ideological differences and, more importantly, spite.

I will miss the systematic dismantling of our economy and the Capitalism it once represented.

I will miss Barney.

And most of all, I will miss how you located Osama bin Laden and brought him to justice just like you said you would when you were standing on that pile of 2,800+ smoldering dead Americans low those many years ago. You've outdone yourself in honoring those patriots as well as the 4,000+ American soldiers killed since we invaded Afghanistan : )

You, sir, changed our country and the world. I don’t think anyone will ever be the same again. Many, many thanks!

Sincerely,
The Smoking Cupcake

Outpost Transmissions - Volume 22

2008-12-07T01:57:00.000-08:00

Right out of the oven:

Broke cat owner (a relative term in this economy, I suppose) extracts Mr. Gray from local shelter with baseball bat, bad attitude…FOX News’ Chris Wallace causes ruckus at Nixon/Frost screening…Local teen helps protect family jewels with appropriately timed trip to bowling alley…Judge previously convicted of giving inappropriate attention to Mr. Johnson during proceedings still can’t get shit together…Exuberant karaoke singer learns how not to hot-dog the hard way…Christmas tree condom-giveaway leads to usual holiday conflict between Jesus and reality – in one witness’ words, “They had been placed on the floor with a sign inviting people to ‘help yourself’. A similar message was placed elsewhere in the church by other exhibitors offering sweets.”…And finally, in case you’re at a loss for the perfect Christmas tree ornament, why not try reindeer pooh?

The unintentionally funny Wikipedia entry of the week:

Andre “Bad Moon” Rison: This is pretty standard stuff until about the 2nd paragraph of the “Early Career” section…then it’s as if Larry David takes over.

Pirates! (and the obvious consequences…)

I keep reading these reports of heightened pirate activity off the east coast of Africa. While The Cupcake would never make light of terrorist activity, I have to say…with everything else going on, we’re now on the defensive with, ahem, pirates?! From what I understand, the pirates we’re talking about are just a bit more advanced than, say, Johnny Depp. And they’re much more cunning – just the other day one band successfully seized an entire oil tanker.

Now, forgive me, perhaps I’m not completely up on East African maritime protocol, but my gut reaction to pirate activity to the tune of $110 million in one haul is, well, confused. For example, where are you going to take a super tanker to off-load her merchandise? What could you possibly gain by killing the crew (because, of course, you’d still be left with the same difficult-to-unload merchandise, not to mention the mammoth ship itself)? I always thought that pirates were in it for the quick score. You know, treasure in buried trunks and stuff like that – that they’re in it now for voluminous, hard to move commodities seems counter-productive to me from a business point-of -view. I mean, they tried to hijack an entire cruise ship…I guess, at the end of the day, the brazenness being displayed and the success with which the crimes are being committed speaks to the general insecurity of the world at large.

Mumbai. London. Madrid. 9/11. It would be too presumptuous to suggest that the United States served as a catalyst for all of this ill-will, however; insurgents’ ability to expose security gaps seems to be the biggest threat to both U.S. national security and world security in general. Its not about weapons of mass destruction. Its about being a big enough fly in the ointment to disrupt major military response and protocol. Achieving this (as they largely have) renders the notion of the U.S. as a “lone superpower” misguided and purely inward-looking nationalistic rhetoric. In our violent path to the ultimate end of being the last one standing via multiple tactical missteps such as Chile, El Salvador, Panama, Cambodia, Iran, Cuba et al., we have put into motion exactly the sort of resistance we sought to avoid: an impossible-to-define-or-detect world-wide insurgency. And a very concentrated, well-funded one at that.

Our focus on technology in the absence of any real investment in ground troops, combined with limitless debate on how to defensively spend a weakening dollar (owned largely by foreign interests at this point) has paved the way for only one thing; a long protracted fall. Without a clear target, the fall of our empire is a foregone conclusion. And, with the greed evident throughout the foundations of the American economy, and other American interests world-wide that continue to suffer, everyone would do well to start reading The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire. If the pirates were ever lucky enough to get on Jeopardy, they’d kick a lot of ass.

You should check out:

XTRMNTR

Outpost Transmissions - Volume 20

2008-10-19T22:06:00.000-07:00

Right out of the oven:

Teen prankster bumps into World’s Grumpiest Gun-owner during ill-timed toilet-papering...Rick Tenan goes from 60 to 0 in one second, illustrating Reason #785 to never go hang-gliding…Wallace the pit bull goes on injured reserve for the 11th Annual Purina Incredible Dog Challenge’s Frisbee event after, ahem, eating spatula…Rattlesnake takes up residence in mailbox, provides mailman with all-expenses paid trip to hospital…Police looking for piece-of-garbage thief instead find piece-of-garbage child-sex-predator in actual garbage…”Cheeta” the (illegal) monkey lands owner in jail after being discovered while riding bitch during routine traffic stop…And finally, Mr. Johnson makes unexpected appearance on Survivor, angering the 2 people who still watch Survivor.

Truly trivial observations of the week:

John McCain and Sarah Palin, as well as their more conservative supporters (otherwise known as lunatics), have been telling me recently that Barack Obama is a terrorist because his name sounds like “Osama.” (Cue audio track: crickets, crickets, and more crickets…)

The same people are telling me that, because he wants to raise taxes on 5% of Americans and cut taxes for the remaining 95% so there is some balance between who pays the collective bills around here, he is somehow a Socialist. While The Cupcake normally tries to avoid tactless statements like “I doubt Sarah Palin could clearly articulate what Socialism is even if she had a political science textbook in front of her”, I have to say, I doubt Sarah Palin could clearly articulate what Socialism is even if she had a political science textbook in front of her.

Let's get some things straight about Obama: He is not a terrorist. He is not a Muslim. He is not a Socialist. He is not a radical. He is not related to Saddam. If you make less than $250,000 a year, he is not going to raise your taxes. He is not part of the Rebel Alliance. He is not radioactive. He is not the 16th "Named" storm of the 2008 Hurricane Season. He is not a fugitive from the planet Krypton. He is not a Pod. He is not going to run America into the ground (unlike some people I can immediately think of).

Moving on...

The Cupcake is very bummed out about Paul Newman. There aren’t enough people like him in the world. Salad dressing. Race cars. Philanthropy. Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. Cool Hand Luke. The Hustler. The Color of Money. Vanity Fair published this brilliant article just before Newman passed.

Speaking of disappointment...

Whenever I visit downtown Decatur, GA, it boggles my mind that people go there to burn life’s most precious commodity; time. Other than the killer Nathalie’s Fish House and the truly remarkable Café Lily, Decatur is quite the void: lots of middle-aged yuppies that take themselves way too seriously (think “Stuff White People Like”), restaurants that take themselves way too seriously, shops that take themselves way too seriously – I swear, even the squirrels look like they take themselves way too seriously. It’s all very superficial and very perplexing.

By the way...

Ignoring the obvious election sketches, is it my imagination or is Saturday Night Live on the ascent recently? That Andy Samberg-Mark Wahlberg thing was ridiculous. And, I can’t even think about MacGruber without laughing my ass off…

You should check out:

The Cupcake just returned from a trip to San Francisco…the music haul was impressive: The Germans clocked in with Cape Fear; a visit to Rasputin’s yielded the used find of 2008 ($5!): The Orb Live ’93 double-disc set – headphones required; underrated Factory Records alums A Certain Ratio represented with double-disc retrospective Early; and the flavor of the month, The Lovetones, were the steal of the trip ($1!!!) with Meditations.

Outpost Transmissions - Volume 19

2008-09-12T23:30:00.000-07:00

Right out of the oven:

Trouser snake meets real (and real venomous) brown snake during roadside stop for bladder relief...A fair assumption is that Gordon Russell Cromwell has seen Pulp Fiction a few too many times…Last week it was the child-molesting magician (surely you remember “Long Island’s Favorite Magician”), this week it’s “Trim-Trim the Clown” getting popped for, naturally, child molestation…Newly hired Principal teaches 4th and 5th graders “lesson” with bag of poop…Since we’re talking feces – memo to all petty parking lot thieves: if you’re being chased on foot by the two dudes whose truck you just broke into, avoid port-o-lets at all costs…An “unusually aggressive bear” boards Vancouver boat to eat salmon fisherman (great bear action-shot!)…And finally, in other bear news this week, drunk zoo employee in mood to hug enters panda enclosure and, to no one’s surprise, leaves with severe wounds to leg, arm (another great bear action-shot!).

The “now it’s all making sense” moment of the week:

Well, the smoke has cleared (depending on where you’re sitting) and it’s become quite evident why McCain selected Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin: if he had nominated anyone with any legitimate experience and a platform and/or resume worth talking about, this election would have stayed squarely focused on issues. Instead, we’re getting a lot of bobbing and weaving (almost 2 full weeks after her nomination, Mrs. Palin is finally giving a solo interview), absurd allegations (“lipstick on a pig”) and a complete smoke-screen of dirty politics that has all but relegated Obama-Biden to Ed “Second Banana” McMahon status. What’s more is that, in concert with the claims of gutless right-wing parrots like Glenn Beck and Sean Hannity that she’s not getting a fair shake in the media despite wildly positive coverage thus far, only scant coverage has focused on how under-qualified and extreme Palin is. I’ve heard how great her speech at the convention was. I’ve heard how she appeals to undecided moderates (if this is the case, that voting-block needs to be renamed). I’ve even heard how she’s overshadowing McCain in popularity.
.

So, in what will surely be a vain effort to counteract the overwhelming impression that this “hockey mom” is something other than what we’ve been told, I’ve spent the last week collecting some facts about Sarah Palin that few want to acknowledge:

- While Barrack Obama was community organizing on the South Side of Chicago, Sarah Palin was a local television sports broadcaster, not the Mayor of Wasilla, AK. What was I thinking? Her belittling was spot on – why would anyone admire a kid just out of college that worked on behalf of people who had (and still have) very little hope in one of the most depressed areas of the country more than a sports broadcaster with a cool nickname?

- Her “important” stint as Mayor, once it finally arrived (Obama was already a State Senator at this juncture) – the cornerstone of her alleged qualifications as compared to Obama – came in a town of about 6,000 people. She won her second term by a margin of about 800 votes, though only about 1,200 people voted. By comparison, Barrack Obama won his second term in the Illinois State Senate by a margin of 45,000 votes.

- As Mayor, Palin apparently considered having certain books removed from the pubic library and then had the librarian fired when it was indicated that that move would be unwelcome.

- In an apparent grudge-reaction, Palin has been tied to the illegal firing of her former brother-in-law, a state-employee. As of today, her husband is now being investigated by the State of Alaska for his role in the scandal.

- Palin has gone on record saying she doesn’t think humans have anything to do with global warming, yet flip flops on the issue a la John Kerry.

- Like Elwood Blues, Palin is convinced that our troops in Iraq are on a “mission from God”.

- For some reason, Palin thinks Iraq had something to do with the terrorist attacks on September 11th, 2001. Good thing the troops are on a mission from God.

- Palin is a strict Christian that has gone on record advocating the teaching of fiction (read: The Bible) alongside the teaching of strongly supported scientific theory (read: On the Origin of Species) in pubic schools – for however long she’d allow public schools to remain a staple of the American dream. Of course, if the Republicans keep running the economy, there won’t be an American dream left to take advantage of.

- And, while we’re on her religion, the right-wing media (a.k.a. the mainstream media) have repeatedly hassled anyone making even a remotely critical reference to Palin’s religious affiliation as “bashing” – I guess they would know all about that tactic given the bashing Kerry took in 2004 for having had the integrity to A) volunteer for Vietnam (Bush dodged the draft) and B) voicing his well-considered opinion about it after he served admirably.

- Palin is staunchly anti-choice when it comes to abortion, so much so she would be against it even in the case of her own daughter being raped.

- In addition to the numerous falsehoods made by her Republican colleagues at the convention, she herself blatantly lied on at least three occasions.

I let the facts speak for themselves. What little evidence The Cupcake has presented here should tell you the only fact that is of any importance: not only is Palin ill-prepared, but she poses a massive threat to the integrity of public servants, our civil liberties and the fine line between church and state. It’s a shame no one else is reporting her story in these terms. It looks like the media are fine with giving the “Straight Talk Express” a free ride right into the White House.

You should check out:

An EP Collection by Balun; obscure lo-fi, Aphex Twinish outfit that benefits from being less Aphex Twin and more lo-fi. Honorable mentions for the week include: the return of Oasis and the pre-Dig Out Your Soul-release track “Falling Down,” and both new Chemical Brothers tracks (“Keep My Composure” & “Midnight Madness”) featured on their unnecessary 2nd “best of” compilation Brotherhood (though the album does come with an allegedly badass bonus disc of “Electronic Battle Weapon” versions 1-9).

Outpost Transmissions - Volume 18

2008-09-03T11:47:00.001-07:00

Right out of the oven:

Hanky-panky with park bench leads to ill-timed encounter with police, emergency workers…Got a beef with City Hall? Why not send them a pair of edible goat testicles!...I wonder if it’s mandatory that you be completely hammered before taking the stage as Ted Kennedy while performing at, ahem, political karaoke?…Squirrel on “nut hunt” (Spiegel Online’s words, not mine) puts the smack down on TV broadcast…Brutus the bull mistakes owner for pin cushion…Speaking of bulls, Mr. Zantrex The Bull reacts badly to being spray-painted with blue food coloring…Don’t people like Robert Infantino always seem to A) have nicknames like “Long Island’s Favorite Magician” and B) claim things like peeping and possessing child porn are big misunderstandings?...And finally, the things they have to live with in Australia – Melbourne jogger runs afoul of AWOL kangaroo and pays for it with impromptu boxing lesson.

The “everyone is asking the wrong question” moment of the week:

Since Sen. McCain’s August 29^th announcement of Gov. Sarah Palin as his Vice Presidential choice, everyone on both sides of the aisle has been going crazy over her qualifications, background and personal life. Not that this furor should be unexpected, nor is it unwarranted despite Sen. Obama having said repeatedly that Palin’s personal life should not have anything to do with being considered for President. I guess the way Obama sees it, Bush got a free ride twice on the personal background ticket so why challenge it – let’s win on merit instead. And remember, Bush’s rides came despite him being an admitted recovered alcoholic (maybe), an alleged draft dodger, an alleged cocaine abuser and, in general (no alleged here), the world’s worst businessman. If issues of this magnitude didn’t matter in 2000 and 2004, why should they matter with respect to a lowly VP nominee? In the immediate, Palin's issues - excuse the pun - pale in comparison to the one question everyone should be asking: What happened to all the other astronomically more qualified suitors for the VP slot?

Is John McCain, decorated war veteran, long time public servant, dedicated father and owner of who-knows-how-many-homes actually expecting me to believe that this was his best choice? Is he expecting me to believe that since he shored up the nomination six full months ago, this was the yield of his scouting labor? Are we to be confident in her even though he made this decision after only meeting with Palin for the first time the day before he asked her to run with him. What happened to Charlie Christ? What happened to Mitt Romney? What happened to Rudy? I’m so mystified that I’m even asking what happened to Mike Huckabee! Are we expected to believe that all of these guys got beat out by a 21^st Century version of June Cleaver that can get you a good deal on a snow-mobile? I mean, let’s face it, no one gets along great and I know McCain had his problems with Huckabee, Rudy and Romney during the primaries, but if Biden could get away with the Fuzzy Zoeller Award of the Year and still get picked, than surely fences could have been mended. How can McCain possibly reconcile the numerous ideological differences between himself and his running mate in a convincing enough fashion to win?

Life is truly stranger than fiction...which leads me to believe that one of three things is happening here:

The former top options all removed themselves from consideration because they don’t want to be on a ticket that gets drubbed in November.
George Lucas has overthrown Karl Rove for control of the Republican Party and is desperately trying to make up for those shitty Star Wars prequels by showing he can write drama.
McCain will yet be proven right. Gov. Palin will show that she indeed possess talents not yet visible to the naked eye and will prove everyone wrong through staunch political savvy, undeniable mastery of issues – both domestic and foreign, exemplary oratorical skills and a complete lobotomization that will make her palatable to anyone who: still believes in the Theory of Evolution; anyone not living in Alaska, Montana, Wyoming or any other locale where you pack heat waiting for the Russians to invade; anyone who thinks the government should mind its own f***ing business when it comes to what we do with our bodies, etc, etc…Naturally, none of those things came through successfully in the acceptance speech that was written for her at the RNC. Unless, of course, you consider success to be transparent jingoism, baseless attacks on the opposition (e.g., raising taxes - don't the Republicans have anything else they can use?!), a total lack of policy discussion (oh, pardon me, she did mention drilling for oil several times), yadda, yadda, yadda - don't believe me? Read the transcript for yourself here. Outside of the few zingers lobbed Obama's way, her speech was an insult.

So, The Cupcake is still left scratching his head. Any way you slice it, the thing that scares me the most is that the First-Son-In-Law might be this guy (nice mullet by the way) in another 4 months.

You should check out:

The soundtrack to Rumble Fish by Stewart Copeland – drummer from The Police creates an unforgettable soundscape to one of the most overlooked movies of the 1980’s. Added bonus? You get to hear Stan Ridgway from Wall of Voodoo sing something other than Mexican Radio.

Outpost Transmissions - Volume 17

2008-06-01T20:17:00.000-07:00

Right out of the oven:

End-of-school-year Amherst pranksters get creative with utility golf carts using spray-paint, super glue…Grizzly bear runs out of honey, decides to chew on man’s head instead…Pinnacle Airlines pilot gets hammered, ends night on the receiving end of Police helicopter search-light wearing only sandals and wristwatch…Cow saves woman’s life by headbutting her in the stomach…Acrobatic race-horse makes mockery of Eight Belles… To horror of neighbors, lazy home-owners (and possibly cheap) enlist the help of goats to maintain yard…Garry Kasparov, still smarting after that whole Deep Blue thing, gets attacked by radio-controlled penis…Despite the five empty beer cans in her possession – 4 under the driver’s seat and 1 in her, ahem, purse - NY teen claims intoxication through kissing…And finally, innocent road-side piss after bender leads to mistaken identity, fatal gunshot to chest.

The “I expect better from The Washington Post” moment of the week:

Unable to peel away the layers of complexity involved with the “brokered” deal in the DNC dust-up yesterday, The Cupcake decided that it would be a good time to start chipping away at another equally volatile issue: leftist media bias. Why this issue at this time? Well, Howard Kurtz of The Washington Post felt it necessary to kowtow to, of all entities, the Clinton campaign in this borderline-ridiculous piece on May 28th; “MSNBC, Leaning Left and Getting Flak From Both Sides.”

While I do not consider MSNBC balanced by any stretch of the imagination, it’s imperative to note that quoting opinions from the likes of McCain strategist Steve Schmidt, White House counselor Ed Gillespie and Hillary Clinton lieutenant Terry McAuliffe as support that MSNBC is an out-of-control tool of the political left is laughable at best. What would you expect that collection of stiffs to say, “MSNBC is doing a great job?”

Ed Gillespie’s quote was the most offensive of the lot, asserting that MSNBC is somehow eroding the credibility of NBC News with their "blatantly partisan talk show hosts like Christopher Matthews and Keith Olbermann." Really Ed? I have reservations about watching my local FOX News affiliate for the weather report thanks to the blatantly partisan talk show hosts harbored by FOX News…hasn’t Kurtz ever heard of Sean Hannity? Hasn’t he ever heard of Bill O’Reilly? Wasn’t the President’s former Press Secretary previously employed as a lead news anchor for FOX? Does Karl “The Architect” Rove have a recurring gig on any other major news channel? How much more blatantly partisan can you get? Schmidt’s quote was close behind, accusing MSNBC of being nothing but a tool of the Democrats for attacking Sen. McCain. Again The Cupcake must ask, what is FOX News? I’m at a loss. As much as I am infuriated with the Clintons right now, I do not have such a short memory that I’ve forgotten about the absolute denigration FOX News blatantly threw their way starting back in 1996, well before Monica Lewinsky actually gave them something to crow about.

I personally make it a point to watch FOX News as often as possible – as Capt. Marko Ramius once said, it’s wise to know the ways of one’s adversary. The arguments made, and more importantly the reasoning used, on FOX News is so often conservative in its slant, I feel like I’m living in Berlin, circa 1939. After watching for 30 minutes, I realize that I should be afraid of everyone and everything right down to the Peace Corps (cuz they’re out to dominate the world too!). The blind (aka ridiculous, unearned, suicidal et al.) support for all things Bush and the smugness of Hannity and O’Reilly are rarely founded in logic or political history. Hannity and O’Reilly’s radio shows are even more ridiculous – and I know because I listen to them each and every day. Even the conservatives who call in and question something as black-and-white like our alarmingly low troop strengths and over-stretched deployments get hammered as being left-wing doves. Face it, if you’re not G. Gordon Liddy, you’re not going to get a fair shake from FOX News.

I respect MSNBC for ratcheting up their partisan coverage. It’s about time someone in the “liberal media” used their alleged corner on the market to balance cable-news coverage out. Were it not for MSNBC’s new-found freedom of speech threatening their winnowing support and flimsy arguments, the Republicans (as well as Hillary’s cronies) wouldn’t be making these points. Nevertheless, MSNBC, FOX News, CNN, yadda, yadda, yadda…does it really matter? News has become, like everything else our media spews out, so entertainment-centric and anti-intellectual in its production, delivery and interpretation; accusations of media bias are most certainly irrelevant.

Unfortunately, the magazine model of media now applies to the consumption of news; the advent of cable and the Internet have relegated the public to sheep that will only consume their most personally accepted point of view so they can continue living in their comfortable bubbles. Heaven forbid people take it upon themselves to challenge their preconceived notions, show some intellectual back-bone and demand coverage that is indeed “fair and balanced.”

We get what we ask for.

You should check out:

Like quirky? Like indie? Like quirky indie? Musicality by Salako is for you (Tiger, go straight to iTunes now!). Don't let the Sesame Street-esque record cover fool you, this is almost brilliant. Honorable mention for the week also includes: Miracle Cure by Blank & Jones featuring guitars and volals from the one and only Bernard Sumner; Paul Weller meets Noel Gallagher on the stompin' Echoes Round the Sun...

Outpost Transmissions - Volume 16

2008-04-30T12:26:00.000-07:00

Right out of the oven:

Former Creek County Oklahoma judge Donald Thompson released from prison after serving 20 months for ill-timed penis pumping...Family vacation comes to a hazy end after mom and dad pass out in hotel bar, leaving one, two and six year olds to fend for themselves…Are you a dog person or a cat person? Anthony Dill emphatically answered that question for a group of shocked onlookers (who just happened to be kids) while managing to incorporate urination along with a number of other visual aides…18-year-old out on drunken-early-morning-pedal-boat-joy-ride goes for broke in the “let’s try to get multiple rescue workers killed” sweepstakes…In other bizarre Canadian news this week, dust-up over tree branch leaves 76-year-old, literally, breathless…Florida doctor, Pasco County Fire Rescue go the extra mile to show why they got rejected for that guest appearance on Law & Order: SVU…And finally, Los Angeles drunk driver learns how not to ask fellow motorists for assistance after driving the wrong way in a carpool lane and flipping his car; what a night.

The "Mission Accomplished" moment of the week:

For those of you out there with short memories (e.g., the 30% of people that still think Bush knows what he’s doing), May 1 marked the 5th anniversary – let me repeat that, the 5th anniversary – of the President’s most memorable photo-op. No, not the one where he couldn’t remember the “shame on you” saying. No, no, not the one where he convinced the Chinese that he’s a complete f***ing idiot. I’m talking about the no-less-infamous one aboard the U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln where he declared victory and an end to all “major combat operations” in Iraq. If he had still been alive to see this debacle, Lincoln would most certainly never have stopped throwing up. In fact, I’ve felt like throwing up several times over the past few days watching the Bush team bob and weave like Sugar Ray Leonard around questions surrounding that fateful appearance.

Paring the issue down to its most simplistic fundamentals, just what would Bush call the last 5 years of the war if major combat operations ceased in May of 2003 and we indeed won the “Battle of Iraq” (his words, not mine)? And, what are we to term those soldiers killed since May 1, 2003 if they weren’t killed as a result of “combat operations?” Perhaps collateral damage? According to the Washington Post – whose statistics come straight from the Department of Defense just in case anyone wants to cry foul – over 4,000 troops have now been killed as of April 28th, 2008. And, even more infuriating, roughly 97% of those 4,000 fatalities came after the “end of major combat operations” according to http://www.antiwar.com/ – they get their statistics from the Department of Defense too. So, let’s do some quick math, shall we? These statistics mean that roughly 3,900 American soldiers have been killed in Iraq since the President told us that the war in Iraq was over. Hard to believe that we’ve lost almost 4,000 troops in the 5 years since the war ended when we only lost 100 or so when it was taking place, you know? That seems counterintuitive to me…if these last 5 years didn’t involve major combat operations and our mission was indeed “accomplished,” then how come so many soldiers have been sacrificed since?

Even more disturbing are the Iraqi civilian fatalities which, depending on who you believe, range anywhere from 30,000 (Bush’s number) to 650,000 + (Johns Hopkins School of Public Health’s number) (click on the tab entitled "Iraqi Security Force and Civilian Fatalities" at the top-right of the chart that comes up). Personally, I think the World Health Organization’s estimate is likely the most accurate considering that, unlike Bush (who stopped counting in 2005 – what a great way to keep the number down!), WHO actually went door to door and surveyed over 9,000 households in over 1,000 neighborhoods on things like how many family members got decapitated the last time insurgents came over for dinner. Call me crazy, but I think I’ll live dangerously and take WHO’s reputation over the Bush Administration’s in deciding who’s making a more honest stab at being accurate – especially since they’re still counting and all. Put it this way, if you can convince me with a straight face that only 30,000 Iraqi civilians have lost their lives since the 2003 invasion, you might want to try selling me a car. Or crack. Either way, you dazzle me; you’ve got a lifetime customer.

Oh, and by the way, if all of the above wasn’t convincing enough that major combat operations are indeed not over – we’ve spent half a trillion dollars since May 1st, 2003 according to the National Priorities Project (they get their statistics straight from Congressional Budget Office estimates). A half trillion! And for that price tag, we still can't fit our troops with the body armor they need.

Abraham Lincoln would be throwing up indeed. Everybody should be throwing up.

You should check out:

Feeling down about what you just read? Don’t fret, let Cut Copy transport you back to the late 1980’s, that not-so-refreshing time when things also sucked thanks to a man named Bush being in the White House. Pick up a copy of their phenomenal In Ghost Colours. No, they’re not actually from the late 80’s but they sure as f*** should be.

Help the Cupcake Out:

Visit iGuard's Web site and register if you haven't already. It takes 30 seconds and you can sign up with Advil, no prescription drugs necessary!

Outpost Transmissions - Volume 15

2008-04-02T13:15:00.000-07:00

Right out of the oven:

Agitatated neighbor and apparent John Denver-hater murders 8 guests attending ill-timed John Denver karaoke party next door, including the gunman's brother-in-law...Locomotive, tractor-trailer and police sharp shooters remind rogue cows to stay out to pasture...Mail fraud reaches new heights in under-garment fashion trends...Irritating cat-next-door leads to more irritating dope bust...In other pet news, Spuds MacKenzie ingratiates himself with new owners by mistaking mother and daughter for a 6-pack of Bud Light...Judge Judith Shriar lectures defendant on the seemingly obvious: "Regardless of what's going on in the home and background, you do not take two knives to the bedroom and stab your husband in the penis and buttocks."... And finally, San Diego police think the skull found behind area hot dog stand might be related to the skull-less skeleton found on the other side of town last week. I think I'd take that bet.

Bonus material:

The Cupcake recently took a trip to NYC. L. Jon Wertheim of Sports Illustrated referenced the article I wrote about it here (scroll down about half-way for the bullet and link)…

Juno what? Juno sucked.

I finally got around to seeing Juno last week. You know Juno. It’s the film about the pregnant teen and her Superbad boyfriend with sharp dialogue and a killer soundtrack shepherded by stripper-cum-Oscar-winning-
screenwriter Diablo Cody. A surefire recipe for “indie” brilliance one would assume. Hmmm…seems a funny thing is happening to “indie” cinema – it’s starting to get awfully predictable and formulaic. The problem is not what’s wrong with Juno, it’s what’s right with it.

Even Tarantino has rarely written more finely crafted dialogue than the dialgoue you'll find in Cody's Juno – it’s just that gangsters are usually the ones saying it in his films, not annoying teenagers who apparently face no parental consequences for committing the ultimate teenage unforced error. Let’s put it this way, if all American 16 year olds are this sharp and acerbic, we’re gonna be outsourcing jobs in the State Department to India 20 years from now cuz no one else on the planet will be able to stand us.

Juno also has all the casting staples to satisfy the "indie" palate; you have the formerly-laughable-but-now-accepted-has-been (Jason Bateman), the currently-laughable-but-desparately-seeking-street-cred-wannabe (Jennifer Garner – who, in her defense, is very good in this film), the talented secondary actors whose names are not, and likely never will be, house-hold names (J.K. Simmons, Allison Janney), the standard flavor-of-the-month (Michael Cera) and, of course, the discovery-that-has-since-gone-mega (Ellen Page). Considering every other indie film on the planet has been following this formula since the quasi-indie progenitor Easy Rider, perhaps a rethink is in order. By virtue of adering so strictly to this formula, the narrative played out rather predictably.

And then you have the pregnancy thing…“indie” has started trending toward socially-blind and feel-good as opposed to socially-conscious. Films like Drugstore Cowboy and Requiem for a Dream were difficult to watch and tackled issues the major studios wouldn’t dare go after. Juno would have been great if actually having an abortion had been addressed (you know folks, that happens too). That decision was glossed over as a mere inconvenience and treated a woman’s right to choose with Mel Brooksian tact through its portrayal of the “neighborhood” abortion clinic. I wanted to throw up. If right-wing fundamentalist Christians have infiltrated American cinema, this is surely their Plymouth Rock. Put it this way, most everyone in Germany circa 1939, excepting the Jews of course, thought Joseph Goebbels’ inlfuence on culture was all shits and giggles too until the Allies discovered Auschwitz.

To its credit, Juno offers a magnificent soundtrack and the cinematography is truly beautiful. Its willingness to sell-out, however, supersedes these two achievements. Its hip-quotient prevents Juno from getting out of its own way and is, simply put, trying too hard to be indie. You can’t be lo-fi, it just happens. And therein lays the problem with Juno; it came off as a studio-film in indie clothing.

I understand Diablo Cody’s working with Steven Spielberg these days. What a surprise.

You should check out:

Rambo & Leroy – Last One Standing; The last band to open for a fully-functional New Order. If I need to say anymore, don’t waste your time.

Air Traffic – Fractured Life; The Cupcake was lucky enough to review this album for Astralwerks Records here. Lower-grade Coldplay. Below-average Athlete. Still some good tracks here…

L.A. On Film

2008-02-26T08:44:00.000-08:00

Over the weekend I was at a Circuit City browsing around and found a copy of the 1992 Laurence Fishburne film Deep Cover for $6. Being a Cupcake that apprecaites everything and anything that is deeply discounted, especially something as badass as this film, I scooped it up like Baskin-Robbins. I was introduced to this film a long time ago by my compadre Isaac and had forgotten how well done it is. Put is this way, most of the time there's nothing better than a bunch of gangsters doing a bunch of ganster shit.

Watching this film over the course of the next couple days, it began to occur to The Cupcake that movies involving the City of Angels are never easy endeavors. Even the comedies carry with them a sense that L.A. is a less-than-forgiving place wrought with desparation and depression. So, following this epiphany, I began an internal debate over my favorite L.A. films...to properly do this, however, I first established 4 simple ground rules:

- This is not a "top x" list - I hate "Top 10s" (with maybe the exception of Letterman's) and made a 2008 resolution with myself to get away from rank-ordering things - its trite and too subjective. This rule will also absolve me of having to include every film ever made that had some connection to L.A. Instead, this is just a collection of films that I personally like.
- For a film to be included, L.A. needs to be the setting's focal point. This means that, theoretically, Die Hard could not be considered an "L.A. film" since 90% of it takes place inside Nakatomi Plaza.
- All genres count.
- Because celluloid depictions of L.A. are usually so desparate, desolate (morally, anyway) and depressing, I've assigned each film a depress-o-meter rating where 1 means its fodder for Disney audiences and 10 means "fasten-your-seatbelts-for-Requiem for a Dream-style-anxiety".

Here we go, in no particular order:

Collateral (2004): Tom Cruise with gray hair, cool suit and a very difficult job (hitman). Jamie Foxx with almost no hair, sweat suit and a very difficult job (cabbie). Way better than Heat (see below) in my opinion since it dispenses with the pleasantries and extraneous character development and instead moves at almost-real-time through a meticulous night of witness "tampering" on behalf of a Colmbian drug king pin. Cruise, despite his tendency to annoy, is flawless as Vincent. And Michael Mann uses the city of L.A. visually in a way that is superior to any other film on this list. Depress-o-meter says: 5

Deep Cover (1992): Larry Fishburne is killer as an undercover narc working for the DEA that, at the beginning of the film, has never taken a drink or done any drugs thanks to a personal tragedy that befell him as a child...by the end of the film, he approaches the threshold of self-destruction but is stone-cold (Steve Austin!) cool enough to reel himself in just in time to nail both the distributor & the king pin he was tasked with bringing down as well as unforseen-yet-alluded-to elements of corruption in the state-department and the CIA. Other stand outs include Jeff Goldblum (WTF is he doing in this film?) and some actress named Kamala Lopez-Dawson that plays the scariest crack-addicted mother ever. Depress-o-meter says: 7

Blade Runner (1982): OK, so my rules don't exclude future "interpretations" of L.A., a weakness perhaps. Nevertheless, this 40s-style noir-thriller set in 2019 is replete with flying cars, extreme pollution and the coolest picture-scanning equipment this side of reality. Not so much depressing as it is a stark indictment of how for-granted humans take living and life itself - despite, of course, Rutger Hauer killing everything that moves. The star that burns twice as bright burns half as long. Depress-o-meter says: 5

Save the Tiger (1973): Harry Stoner. Morally decayed, tax-cheater, makes an extra buck by getting clients laid...put it this way, Jack Lemmon won an Oscar. Pinned into a corner, Harry decides to burn his warehouse down to collect an insurance settlement after giving the most rapid-fire, 4-minute cinematic world history lesson in, well, history. And the final scene would make Dick Cheney weep. OK, maybe that's stretching it, but you gotto save those tigers. Depress-o-meter says: 7

Fletch (1985): "I write a column under the name Jane Doe" says Chevy Chase at the apex of his career as L.A. Times investigative reporter Irwin M. Fletcher. The one-liners roll like tumbleweeds as he tries to figure out why Otter wants to be murdered and why Norm doesn't make any money off the drugs he sells out of his burger shack on the beach. Fred "The Dorf" Dorfman. Oldsmo-buick. Matress Police. I rest my case. Depress-o-meter says: 2

Escape from L.A. (1996): Not as good as its predecessor, but 10 times campier. Escape from L.A. again visits a sort-of-post-apocalyptic world where the the nation's fate (or in this case, what's left of it) rests in the hands of Snake Plisskin. This time L.A. has been separated from the mainland thanks to the "Big One" and has been relegated to a deregulated Las Vegas. Kurt Russell reprises his role with flair, but Cliff Robertson as a Christian fundmentalist President is truly eerie. He actually reminds me a lot of George W. Bush. Good bad fun. Depress-o-meter says: 2

Heat (1996): Billed as a "Los Angeles Crime Saga", Heat is a serviceable cops & robbers film of the highest technical order. DeNiro portrays a master-theif searching for one last score before disappearing to the greener pastures of, uhm, New Zealand. Pacino is the detective who stalks him. The film is great to look at and the set-pieces are executed with cold percision. Unfortunately, too much time is wasted on useless character developement (e.g. Pacino's annoying wife, DeNiro's forced romance). Why, for example, is Natalie Portman even in the film? Mann would have been wise to adhere to the nuts & bolts approach he took with Thief, a film that touches on many of the same themes but doesn't get bogged down in them by keeping it stripped down and centered around the trade-craft of burglary. Despite these flaws, the cornerstone of this film, the bank robbery scene, is epic: Italian suits, automatic weapons, Brian Eno soundtrack and the longest, frenzied shoot-out ever recorded on film. Depress-o-meter says: 5

To Live & Die In L.A. (1985): Secret Service agents track master-counterfeiter after said counterfeiter offs fellow agent. William Petersen is awesome as agent Richard Chance; played sarcastically with a streak of Harry Callahan. Unfortunately for Dick, he takes a shotgun spread to the face about three-quarters into the film, leaving the audience with no more protagonist - the ulitmate trick that went over like a lead balloon with the studio. The DVD contains an alternate ending preferred by the studio execs that is, seriously, one of the worst things The Cupcake has ever seen - how do you survive a shotgun to the face? Why would there be a secret service station in the middle of nowhere on a mountain top in Alaska? Great use of L.A., especially the rush hour chase going the wrong way on the freeway. Depress-o-meter says: 7

Chinatown (1974): In my humble opinion, Chinatown is the best L.A. film ever made, but we're not ranking here so I'll refrain from any more comments like that. Nicholson is incredible. Dunaway is incredible. Huston is incredible. The writing is incredible. The cinematography is incredible. The score is incredible. Even the extras are incredible. No spoilers or pontification here...just see it for the first time or for another time. Its a masterpiece that says more about L.A. than any of these other films combined. Depress-o-meter says: 9

Honorable mentions:
- Pulp Fiction (1996) - Don't be tellin' me about no foot massage!
- Less Than Zero (1987) - Its better than you remember and a helluva lot more depressing...
- Colors (1988) - Sean Penn. Robert Duvall. Excellent.
- Friday (1995) - You ain't got no job and you ain't got shit to do...
- Boyz N the Hood (1991) - Depress-o-meter says: 10
- Fast Times at Ridgemont High (1982) - More Sean Penn. More excellence.

Outpost Transmissions - Volume 14

2008-02-19T12:04:00.000-08:00

Right out of the oven:

One minute you're at a holiday party thrown by your boss, the next minute he's sending 20,000 volts through your nuts...In other testicle news this week, the Cupcake was relieved to learn that cooler heads prevailed in the Virginia General Assembly, leaving "Truck Nutz" as an acceptable form of protected speech for the time being (special thanks to my girl Jessi out in San Diego for turning me on to deez'nuts way back when)...They do things a little differently out in the Bay Area - Palo Alto reviewing plans for converting cow manure to electricity...Ocean Shore, WA red-necks start using, uhm, brains, develop cool new, though likley inefficient, deer-hunting technique...Problem: You've run out of spare change and desparately need some for the soda machine. Its snowing outside. You're girlfirend has borrowed your car so you have no means of transportation. Solution: Steal a backhoe from a neighborhood construction site, drive it to the nearest car wash (sure to be vacant given the weather conditions) and excute reliable "car-wash-coin-machine-backhoe-jack" robbery using aforementioned stolen construction equipment...In a coldly precise, .203 BAC performance, Stephen Wayne Wolf secures his record 19th drunk driving conviction after hit and run accident...And finally, the Jack Tripper of the frog world becomes part of Three's Company-style mistaken identity the hard way. As one veternarian put it, "You shouldn't be kicking toads to death anyway, it's far better to catch them up and pop them in the freezer." Good advice Doc.

The "George F. Will makes an interesting point" moment of the week:

I've always admired George Will, albiet at an arm's length. Depsite his conservative leanings, he generally approaches politics from a concurrence of realistic political philosophy and solid political strategy. And he has a sense of history unsurpassed in the punditry world. In this morning's Washington Post, after reminding everyone how ridiculous the Democratic Party's nomination process is, he focuses squarely on the absurdity of Hillary Clinton's continued assertions that her "vast" experience should somehow automatically relegate Barack Obama to the back-burner (Thank Christ someone finally did!). Essentially, George reminds us that the experience she keeps touting includes, as he puts it, "everything she has done since school, from her years at Little Rock's Rose Law Firm to her good fortune with cattle futures, as presidentially relevant experience." Most of which, I might add doesn't add up to a hill of beans in political accomplishment. And, in an even more astute observation, he duly notes that Abraham Lincoln was merely a one-term Congressman prior to being president. If I recall correctly, his mug is on our currency, and more than one piece at that - ok, so the penny is somewhat inconsequential, but its still, as Vincent Vega once termed it, legal tender. In fact, Abe's one of a select few presidents to acheive that feat to my knowledge (Washington and Jefferson being the others - correct me if I've left someone out). Gee, look what a lack of experience can get you...your face immortalized on a coin and a bill, not to mention a monument the size of the Astrodome.

Perhaps if the major "liberal media" (another fallacy for another blog) weren't so wrapped up in horse-race coverage, someone other than a conservative columnist like George Will would have pointed this stuff out already. Infurating? Not really. Depressing is more like it. Which leads me into...

A non-denial denial? moment of the week (so far):

Wow. Looks like they'll be burning copies of The New York Times in overdrive throughout red-state Amerikkka...just after the Cupcake defends Senator McCain against the barrage of unfounded and ridiculous criticsm leveled toward him from the likes of Rush Limbaugh, the Times breaks a potential bombshell of a story about his possible philandering and influence peddling. T'is not the Cupcake's place to pass judgement on an issue of this magnitude, but I can say that working in public affairs myself, I can smell a non-denial denial a mile away - and, so far, the McCain camp's responses have been riddled with them. Take, for example, the first official response:

"It is a shame that The New York Times has lowered its standards to engage in a hit-and-run smear campaign. John McCain has a 24-year record of serving our country with honor and integrity. He has never violated the public trust, never done favors for special interests or lobbyists, and he will not allow a smear campaign to distract from the issues at stake in this election."

"Americans are sick and tired of this kind of gutter politics, and there is nothing in this story to suggest that John McCain has ever violated the principles that have guided his career."

It would have been nice if, in addition to telling us about his war record - need we be reminded of that under this circumstance? - or his disdain for special interests or how sick of this "kind of gutter politics" we all are (we're not, we just say that), the spokesperson issuing this statement mentioned that the accusations are completely and utterly false. Hmmm, didn't see that anywhere.

In McCain's defense, he did issue a statement that first targeted the article as being untrue (hardly a denial) followed closely with an emphatic "no" when asked if he was ever romatically initimate with the lobbyist in question (that's what we were looking for Johnny). Man, for a self-described straight talker, it sure took a while for him to tells us he didn't sow a final oat or two.

And, as for the Times, I hope the hell they're right because if they're not, they just dropped a gold mine of fodder for Hannity and crew to tee off on Tiger Woods-style.

You should check out:

Hail Social. Straight outta Philly. In the words of Tom & Ed, extra supa dope. Nice lo-fi artwork. Killer lo-fi beats. Check out at all costs.

Outpost Transmissions - Volume 12

2008-02-04T09:11:00.000-08:00

Right out of the oven:

Landscaper acquires WWII memento the hard way, loses clothes (they were burned for disposal by the fire department) and receives one of those cool fire-hose showers like the one from Silkwood...Welcome to the neighborhood! "Stressed" elk makes itself at home in man's dining room...Cornwall man identifies reason #684 to never go hang-gliding (Featuring killer rescue footage!)...Our specials tonight include frozen ferret, frozen house cat and frozen, ahem, sea otter!...Snowball antics elicit your average, every day shotgun/machete response...What a way to get it - innocent stop at port-o-let on way home from meeting yields a lifetime of nightmares...And finally, unsuspecting kite flier encounters 50 MPH gust, becomes airborne to the tune of 20 ft and, in what won't be a surprise to anyone, falls on face and suffers severe back injuries. Justin Pugh, manager of the local kite shop, summed it up best: "What happened is just a freak gust of wind catching him off guard, I think."

Kool-Aid Drinking 101:

In the wake of Senator John McCain's big night (and yes, it was big), the Cupcake thought it only fair to momentarily shift focus to the Republicans for a change. Now that McCain is clearly the "frontrunner" for the Republican nomination, its appropriate to comment on the recent backlash against the Senator from the utlra-right-faction of the Republican party otherwise known as the Conservative Media Community and their bretheren (e.g., Orange County, Evangelicals, etc). His success on Super Tuesday will no doubt only serve to further agitate this clan. Indeed, they will talk of how Mike Huckabee and Mitt Romney established themselves as the true "conservative" candidates (by that, I assume they mean ignorant biggot and wolf-in-sheep's-clothing-with-good-math-skills, respectively). Let me tell you, if you're surprised that Huckabee won in places like Georgia and Alabama, you need to go sign up for an adult-ed Political Science course. And with the Mittster...let's put it this way, if you can't win your home state (or in this case states), you don't deserve to be in the running to begin with - his victories were even more inconsequential than Huckabee's, if not at least as expected. McCain is in no trouble and will have no problem whatsoever securing the nomination. Why? Because the "true" conservatives of the party have decided to take back their party - these Republicans understand that having the Democrats think you're okay is a helluva lot more beneficial to everyone than having the slim fringe of Evangelical America and talk-radio think you're okay. Which brings me to the McCain-bashing...

The McCain attacks have been eerily ridiculous (think Bizarro-world Superman...nice try at the old bait & switch Ann), tasteless/shameless (Rush Limbaugh couldn't hold Bob Dole's jock strap) and, not surprisingly, completely unified. The Cupcake can understand these conservative "pundits" holding a level of apprehension, or even distaste, against someone who is, in many ways, a liberal Republican. We're dealing with people that have all been living high on the hog for over a decade, first feasting on the carcass of Bill Clinton and then feasting on the propserity he and his Republican predecessors sowed. What I don't understand is why they hate him so much? I've been giving that a lot of thought and the logical explanation is: he represents the end of their reign. He has refused to drink the same kool-aid this faction has been drinking since 2000. You know the kool-aid I'm talking about. It's the kool-aid that has: A) the economy in the toilet, B) the richest 1% of this country riding the other 99% like those burros that take people up and down the Grand Canyon, C) our military mired down in a travesty of unwarranted privatization and alarming depletion because of over-extension (oh, I forgot, you go to war with the army you've got...) and D) a large majority of the other 193 countries on this planet ready to kick us off the island.

In fact, given the wild popularity of John McCain with the Republicans that have already voted in the primaries, things are looking pretty good for a general election showdown that very well may have the Republicans retaining the White House. If anything, the general eletcion, if held now, would be decided by a razor-thin margin - which, to the Cupcake anyway, is mind-boggling considering roughly 70% of the electorate disapprove of the job George W. Bush is doing. In other words, if "pundits" like Rush think McCain of 2008 resembling Dole of 1996 is bad, they'd do well to game out the fact that a Mitt Romney or Mike Huckabee of 2008 would look a lot worse - my guess is that they'd suffer the same fate Barry Goldwater did in 1964. At least Bob Dole walked away with a reasonable amount of self-respect intact. I think this Republican primary season has shown undisputably that the small-ruling elite of the Republican party is about to be deposed...the party of Lincoln is ready to come back to its roots of fiscal conservatism and respect for equality by telling those that have created all these divisions in our county to take a hike.

Recognizing that their legacy, indeed their very claim to fame, is at stake with this election, this core of "conservatives" is lashing out the only way they can. They know a McCain victory would relegate them to side-show freaks a la Joe McCarthy - a mere footnote in American history eventually regarded as misguided and ridiculous. These people are so afraid of change it makes me ashamed that they call themselves Americans. To viciously tarnish a man that has given so much to this country is appalling. And to suggest that this man would be soft on terrorism and defeatist in Iraq after what he's been through- first as a Naval aviator, next as a POW for over 5 years and then as a politician who has proudly exercised his right to independent thought - is ludicrous. By the way, no "pundit" has any shred of military experience, let alone combat experience - Limbaugh comes the closest with a Vietnam deferment...

Besides themselves, the only people Ann Coulter and Sean Hannity have to be upset with for turning most regular, tax-paying, rational Republicans toward McCain are those currently in the White House. In fact, based on the primary results so far, it seeems the large majority of people voting in the Republican primaries want to field the strongest candidate possible so they can win. Nevermind that, the Hannity types are too blind to see that a McCain presidency, if supported in the right way, could place the White House in Republican hands for elections to come. They would rather tar and feather their best option at redemption than say, "Hey, you know what? our guy has screwed things up good, everyone is against us and maybe the pendulum does need to shift back if we want to retain power." Of course, you'd never catch them saying that. They all have too much of that Nixon pride that so famously worked against rationality.

Well I, for one, say thank you for the near-sightedness guys, its very much appreciated!

You should check out:

I've been reading a lot lately...most recently, I started Flight of the Falcon, the true story about Christopher John Boyce's escape from prison and the subsquent manhunt. If you've ever seen the film The Falcon and the Snowman, this sequel to that film is a must read. If you haven't, then see the film at the very least. For a quick tutorial on this true story of treason with side dishes of falconry and drug dealing, check these out:

Falcon #1 (this one's a little slow to load)
Falcon #2

Outpost Transmissions - Volume 11

2008-01-16T17:01:00.000-08:00

Right out of the oven:

Bakersfield teacher offers to trace (yes, trace) Mr. Johnson for some unsuspecting students - surprisingly he's only charged with two counts of "annoying" the students...One minute yer' havin' a Denver omelet, the next minute someones sticking a, er, crowbar in yer' face!...Talk about being in the wrong place at the wrong time: Park Ranger tracking rogue elephant spends night tied to tree after being mistaken for punching-bag by irate locals...Ign.com's Obscure Character of the Day column comes up with it's most piss-your-pants-funny entry yet, reminiscing about everyone's favorite weak-minded storm-trooper...While we're talking Star Wars, did anyone see this lunatic on American Idol? Or how 'bout this disaster?...Clown school President not clowning around when it comes to anti-clown editorials (be sure to read "chippydog's" two reader comments)...Wait a minute, I thought they were steadfastly saying (through their lawyer, of course) that they were merely victims of a visit to the zoo gone wrong? Oh that's right, most victims usually drink vodka, smoke dope and then taunt a 350 pound Siberian Tiger...And, finally, eyewitness accounts of rigged end-of-semester party at Canadian trade school report: "The first sign something was wrong was when the dizziness and nausea began to set in.

The "I really hate politicians, especially ones named Hillary Clinton" moment of the week:

Hillary Clinton has decided that the only way she can convince people to vote for her is to appeal to their lack of informed decision-making prowess by simply leveling attacks, no matter how skewed or preposterous, at her chief rival, Sen. Barack Obama. What really smokes The Cupcake about this manipulation is the blatant Republicanistic tactics she's been employing. From her "let's take the wind out of an entire movement's sails by playing armchair political historian" interpretation of the impact Martin Luther King had on his own movement to the implication that Obama in any way somehow supports the very un-liberal Reagan administration, she's sunk to a new low, even for someone named Clinton. Surprisingly, though, having been forced to re-evaluate Bill Clinton's legacy both against George W. Bush's ascendancy (the direct result of Oval Office fellatio and subsequent lies) and Barack's meteoric rise, her tactics look even lower. Especially when it comes to the double-standard she keeps propagating about her implied "vast" experience versus Obama's short political life...the last time I checked she'd only been a Senator for 7 years, with her most newsworthy contribution from that position being her vote on the Iraq War that authorized Bush's cowboy pilgrimage to the Middle East. This, of course, was preceded by her time in the White House, most famous for her failed health care policy, Filegate and the death of Vince Foster. So, she's right about her experience in a sense: she's proved to be a Washington-establishment lackey, someone who is unable to build a coalition to push through legislation, a criminal and, possibly, an accomplice to murder. That experience sounds like par for the course - in fact, it sounds oddly similar to the current President (I'll give Bush the benefit of the doubt that he's never been implicated in a suspicious suicide)...The way I see it, the best part about Hillary's campaign so far has been the collateral impact articles like this one have had on my funny bone. Other than that, I continue to be unimpressed with the other Clinton and am fully behind the Senator from Illinois. Obama brings a freshness and enthusiasm to America the same way Bobby Kennedy did in 1968. And, I don't think its a coincidence that that was exactly 40 years ago this year. We've had 7 Presidents since then; 1 resigned, 1 was impeached, 2 were related (and, not coincidentally, both bad), 1 was great (Am I the only person who understood what Barack meant when he was talking about Reagan?), 1 was not so great and 1 wasn't even elected. And, anything great accomplished during that span of time has been largely undone by the current administration...this country needs the hope Obama represents a lot more than a resume.
11th Hour Disclaimer: Today's Washinton Post featured an interesting editorial highlighting not only the hypocracy of Clinton's attacks toward Obama's Reagan observations, but also reminded us of another Presidental candidate who once praised the former President...a little man named Bill Clinton in 1991.

You should check out:

If you liked Cloverfield and haven't seen either of these sites yet, check them out asap:

Geeks of Doom
Cloverfield Clues

By the way, is anyone else out there tired of hearing people whining about the shaky camera thing? Seriously, these have to be the same losers from college that used to complain about professors who didn't speak English as a first language...

Outpost Transmissions - Volume 10

2007-12-13T18:40:00.000-08:00

Right out of the oven:

An uncharacteristically photogenic Akon pleads not guilty to fan-tossing charges despite lawyer's claim that it was a "spontaneous reaction during a live concert that Akon deeply regrets." Hmmmmm, interesting defense strategy...Montel Williams makes his demolitions expertise public knowledge by threatening to blow up newspaper intern, staff...Damn, can't W get anything right?! (and, by the way, someone needs to get Tony Blair on some serious drugs cuz its evident from this Barney-cam train wreck that he's in denial about the whole getting-kicked-out-of-office-
thanks-to-his-affiliation-with-Bush "thing")...Interesting Kangaroo factoid of the week: they can swim, they just can't box and swim at the same time...Interesting masturbation-accident factoid of the week: if you get a big metal ring stuck around Mr. Johnson, try using a hand grinder...Reason 537 to never go hang-gliding, followed closely by reason 538...And finally, Bishop Thomas Ray Clute shows vandals who's boss by restoring his oft vandalized holiday display: "It's very vulgar some of the things they do with the stuff and write on it, but I just tell them and we come back. We replace it all and make it look like it never happened" - I'm taking a wild guess that this guy has never done any of the following: thrown darts, taken target practice, shopped at Target, seen the film Targets...

The "I wanted to throw up after that Barney-cam thing, but then I came across this" moment of the week:

So, for those of you that read my last post indicting pop stars for their willingness to hawk anything and everything for money, I present as corroborative evidence, verbatim, the latest fragrance copy for "L", the new frangrance "developed" by former punk-rebel-shit kicker and current poser-sell-out-and-apparent-chemist, Gwen Stefani (emphasis and observations added):

"Dillard's is pleased to introduce L, the new L.A.M.B. fragrance by Gwen Stefani. The iconic style of Gwen Stefani pushes boundaries beyond music and fashion (Ozzy Osbourne pushes the boundaries beyond music and fashion...) in this debut scent. The signature fragrance is a masculine and feminine fusion (Ooooo, sounds too intersting to ignore, truly ground breaking!). The luscious floral scent is bursting with sparkling freshness and notes of watery greens, and wraps you in the warmth of sensual musks (Are we buying perfume or getting a spa treatment?). L, a L.A.M.B. fragrance by Gwen Stafani, is available as eau de parfum spray, shower gel, and body lotion (Of course it comes in all 3 - America is all about options!) at Dillard's, dillards.com, or by calling 800-345-5273." (Courtesy of, Vanity Fair, November 2007, p. 32)

Wow. Disturbing is, I think, a pretty apt word for this...

You should check out:

Hidden Shoal Recordings (http://www.hiddenshoal.com/); bad ass bands, bad ass downloads and bad ass art work...of particular interest should be Monocle's Outer Sunset - two words: Spooky, Killer

Outpost Transmissions - Volume 9

2007-11-30T12:52:00.000-08:00

Right out of the oven:

In case you're still looking for Christmas gift ideas for that special someone in your life, Demeter Fragrance Library proudly presents: Play-Doh Cologne...Kangaroo quits his "mob" in favor of making humans look stupid...British teacher in Sudan executes "poor judgment" (otherwise known everywhere else in our solar system as completely rational, sane judgment) by letting her 7-year old pupils select the "M-name" to recognize their class, ahem, teddy bear...Predictably, local radicals deem the prison sentence for her transgression too lenient and, instead, call for her execution ...Seemingly-can't-miss reverse penis-psychology (pop-up warning) fails to sway jury...As Steve Martin once exclaimed, "He hates these cans!" - to that, I give you, "He hates these ox testicles!"...Let's see, I've heard of dog fights, cock fights, prize fights, bull fights and cat fights, but sledgehammer fights?...And finally, fake-bar-employee slashes actual-bar-patron's face over unpaid $4.50 tab after they both got thrown out...

Seinfeldian moment of the week:

In an odd twist of fate, the formerly great Miami Dolphins running back Ricky Williams had yet another comeback cut short last Monday night. If it was anyone else, I would consider a routine, season-ending injury a shame, but given the bar this guy has set, I'm a little disappointed. I mean, what happened to the Ricky that used to compress himself in his locker due to a major psychological disorder? Or the Ricky that used to wear his eye-shielded football helmet while conducting post-game interviews? Or how 'bout the Ricky that decided to live in a tee pee? Whatever happened to the 2002 league rushing champion who gave it all up after declaring dope-smoking his #1 priority? I miss that Ricky. I was looking forward to welcoming that Ricky back into the fold.

Unfortunately for all of us out there awaiting the next head-scratching move from #34, he went quietly this time by running the ball on Monday night a mere 6 times. On his 5th run, he got "stepped on" and after attempting a 6th run, he left the game injured only to find out later that the torn chest muscle he received in the aforementioned "stepping" incident will render him out for the remainder of the season.

Wow, after 2 years in football purgatory (aka Canada), multiple off-the-field issues and a career that, thus far, closely resembles the EKG read-out of a heart-attack victim, I was expecting a little more than a season-ending game-related injury. He could have at least injured himself at home using a weed whacker (pun intended) or something. Oh well, at least he'll be back in 2008, healed up and ready to go. Well, maybe he'll be back...

Did you ever notice?

So, the other day The Smoking Cupcake was flipping through a recently purchased copy of MAD Magazine - yes, that MAD Magazine - and came across a very prescient observation: it used to be seen as honorable for pop-culture icons to avoid product endorsements and cool to speak their minds. That made me think...whatever happened to that code? Since reading that comic, I've noticed idiot pop-stars everywhere hawking clothes (Fergie), perfume (Diddy) and even cable subscriptions (Beyonce). Cable TV...you've got to be kidding me?! And of course, when pop stars endorse something remotely meaningful like, say, free speech (Dixie Chicks), they're boycotted and kicked out of the hive for creating a disturbance. So, to this I ask: If its inappropriate for me to hear The Dixie Chicks' opinions on The President, then how is it not inappropriate to hear how great Beyonce thinks Direct TV is? Does she know anything about microwaves and fiber-optics? My guess is a resounding no. So, why are poeple more inclined to take her word for choosing cable, yet scoff at the opinions of fellow taxpayers?

When did the priorities of our populace get so screwed up and what sort of example is it that we revere a pop star for telling us how great his vitamin drink is (50 Cent - glad to know he's into nutrition, I would have never figured...) yet show nothing but disdain for those that attempt to get people thinking about how screwed up their country is by exercising free speech? I think at somepoint someone on Madison Avenue, in collusion with Congress and the rest of the machine, said, "Hey, I've got a great idea, let's sucker people into surrendering their freedom of independent thought by taking these completely transparent opinion leaders and using their influence to sell the gullible sheep of America a bunch of crap they don't need! That way, they'll think they're super important, lose what little voice they have and inadvertently give up their self-determination though pacification and debt accumulation!" That (fascist) sounds (fascist) suspiciously (fascist) familiar (fascist)...

How and when this reversal of focus started would make for some startling revelations, I'm sure...or a killer dissertation.

You should check out:

Synthetik by Komputer...if you like Kraftwerk and/or were lucky enough to stumble over I Start Counting or Fortran 5 in the late 80's or 90's, this is the disc for you

Outpost Transmissions - Volume 8

2007-11-06T12:37:00.001-08:00

Right out of the oven:

Driver's Ed instructor institutes unique training method involving a carrot and his pants...surfing the Internet often leads to finds of epic proportion; for example, did'ya ever notice the pimp in Superman: The Movie? What about Mr. Kinney from RoboCop? Or how 'bout those poor bastards Doctors Hunter, Kimball and Kaminsky from the U.S.S. Discovery?...When antelopes attack: Abe the Bongo Antelope gores handler with horns after disagreement over who was going to sleep in the barn...Woman hits giraffe with car in South Carolina; I've been telling people for years that those South Carolina giraffes are vicious...Local youths (or as Vincent Gambini would say, 'yutes) pull the old bait and switch, replacing man's elaborate Halloween display with giant can of Mountain Dew - someone needs to sign these boys up as Presidential campaign pranksters while there's still a chance...Poncho the alligator assists the Sweetwater, FL Police Department in burglary bust by eating perp...And finally, giving new meaning to that old adage about using everything you've got, Mario Gomez leads Vfb Stuttgart to victory with his penis...

Its shit like this that's gonna bring the situation to a head - The Jules Winnfield Observation of the Week:

Recent news of the Clinton campaign's event-question planting raises more than a few, uhm, questions and brings back several bad memories. In addition, the story appears to be gaining some traction, as it should, headlining on the front page of CNN.com throughout the day today (11/13) and appearing with varying levels of visibility on other outlets' sites such as The New York Times, FOX News and the L.A. Times. Surprisingly, the always-ready-to-bash- Democrats-named-Clinton FOX News rendered this story less important than Fred Thompson (speaking of needing some traction...) getting the National Right to Life Committee's endorsement. Perhaps FOX News is fair and balanced! Just kidding...the Cupcake's guess is that abortion stories trump Clinton-gaffe stories 9 out of 10 times in Conservative American media, especially on FOX News. In any event, I certainly hope this question-planting story gains a lot of traction because it highlights the main drawback I've had about Hillary from the very beginning, the very drawback I've been preaching to both my Republican and Democratic friends from the get-go: The artificiality and shiftiness of Hillary, and now her campaign, is something to be considered very seriously and something to be extremely concerned about. Don't vote blindly because you hate W or love Bill. Hillary is not the antithesis of W and makes Bill look like he invented the word genuine. The Smoking Cupcake is, of course, not going to run out and get on the Romney train or get box-seats the next time Barrack Obama's 2008 World Tour comes to town, but I am not going to blindly follow the center-left's obsession with getting Hillary (or any Democrat) elected at all costs for the sake of trying - and I stress the word trying - to undo the Bush administration's multiple failures if they can't walk the talk. Her candidacy, indeed her post-White House political career, has been nothing more than a well-orchestrated smoke and mirror show to get her to this point. She has to prove she's got ideas, as well as balls, and this incident supports the long-held notion that she's got neither. People wonder why this country is so apathetic when it comes to the way its led and who does the leading. You need look no further than students being strong-armed into suppressing their voices in exchange for status-quo campaign staff-fed questions so as to avoid making the candidate answer a legitimate inquiry. Where is Mr. Democratic Process in this scenario? Clearly, he's in the bathroom taking a dump, or perhaps he's off in a corner sleeping on the job. Who knows, but I'm not so idealistic to turn a blind eye to the fact that most campaigns do things like question-planting. The problem here is the slick and shifty way the campaign and the candidate have thus far dealt with this PR nightmare. My guess is, should she get elected, we would all do well to get used to the lack of genuineness and the sheer artificiality of the Hillary we've seen so far.

You should check out:

You don't need to know who Joy Division were, nor do you need to know who Ian Curtis was, to enjoy Control. Although I am admittedly partial to the band (and all of its offspring), this film is essential viewing. The fact that someone had the balls to even make it says it all...

Outpost Transmissions - Volume 7

2007-10-16T18:57:00.000-07:00

Right out of the oven:

This will make me think twice the next time a friend asks me to hold their sword for them...Cat earns keep by randomly picking winning lottery numbers...Talk about your rotten luck; 20-year affair ends with loss of penis, life...Hey kids, let's eat some testicles to help raise money for charity!...After exerting as much mental effort as possible in planning what he thought would be the perfect thrill-seeking convenience-store hold up, Robinson Rivera sets pace for Stupidest Criminal of the Year honors...Rouge cow executed for crimes against Cambodian villagers...While we're on the subject; phantom bull described by witnesses as clever, sneaky, elludes police for hours in Miami Lakes (the accompanying picture says it all)...And, on a final note for the week; Christian Clown Klutzo busted for clowning with kids - and, in a bizarre twist of fate, other, law-abiding Klutzo from same town forced to retire because of mistaken identity...

WTF? moment of the week:

In a less than surprising revelation October 9th, the Bush Adminstration proved their incompetence yet again...According to the SITE Intelligence Group, a secret video of Bin Laden was obtained and subsequently passed on to 2 high-level Bushites with the caveat that they not reveal their possession of the tape until Al Qeada itself released the video to the general public. This, of course, did not happen and within hours the Administration officials had made its existence common knowledge to numerous intelligence agencies, cable news (Let's get it right on FOX so we can scare the shit out of every Republican in the country!) and, generally, every major worldwide broadcasting outlet. That, in and of itself, is disgusting and simply provides more support for those that argue that the White House is untrustworthy - remember, these are the same untrustworthy people who made me actually feel sorry for John Ashcroft after Alberto's strong-armed Corleone-esque hospital visit was recently revealed. Unfortunately, the exposure of Bush et al as untrustworthy deal-breakers with unparalleled near-sightedness is nothing compared to the years of work by SITE that went up in smoke in a matter hours thanks to the cowboy attitude we've all grown so accumstomed to. So, add this one to the growing list of failures accomplished by the Bush Adminstration:

- 9/11
- Closed-door energy talks with Enron

- Intelligence Book-cooking

- Guantanamo

- Tora Bora

- The "end" of major combat operations

- Abu Ghraib

- Madrid

- London

- Domestic Surveillance

- The Gestap...whoops, I mean The Patriot Act

- Hurricane Katrina
- The Walter Reed Hospital disgrace

- Prosecutor Firings

- Alberto Gonzales
- Blackwater

- Intelligence Mishandling

- and it goes on and on...

Is there (a more reprehensible person on the planet than Ann Coulter)?

In case you missed it, her foot-in-mouth disease reared its ugly head again the other day on the Big Idea with Donny Deutsch when she asserted that, not only should America be comprised of nothing but Republicans, but America should be exclusively Christian as well. Deutsch, being Jewish, naturally asked her to explain herself to which she leveled the normal, biggoted slander we're used to from her, asserting that Jews should be "perfected" and that, essentially, Christians are better. Whether said in jest or out of true feeling is not certain when watching the clip. What is certain, however, is that even remotely biggoted remarks like it are common from her, hence her continued appeal as a flashpoint for the left and a martyr on the right. Her constant twisting of the facts, propogation of hate and absolute reluctance to recognize that we're all in this together is so beyond disturbing to The Cupcake, I cringe just thinking about her. What's even scarier to think about are the millions of Americans out there just like her. If anyone needs perfecting, its her (and them). Wait a second, I forgot, I'm not a biggot, so to merely suggest such a course of action is against my faith in the American people to judge for themselves what lines of reasoning they want to believe. However you personally slice it, God help us.

You should check out: With Signs Following by Creech Holler...to use one of Jules Winnfield's favorite adjectives; these guys are the baddest-ass mushroom cloud-laying mutherfuckers I've heard in a long time. Their set at Star Bar was unreal, check them out at all costs

Lagrange Point

2007-10-12T17:03:00.000-07:00

Lagrange Point: the five positions in an orbital configuration where a small object affected only by gravity can theoretically be stationary relative to two larger objects

Every once in a while life has Lagrange Points. Perfection slips in and out of reality, yet sometimes it can hold the line and maintain its integrity far after, theoretically, it should have dissolved. There are a few things in The Smoking Cupcake's life that have achieved - and thankfully maintained - Lagrange Points. Some of these revolve around an absolute synchronicty between people I know (e.g., Mrs. Cupcake, Isaac, etc.), others revolve around media (e.g., Electronic's first album, Thief, etc.) and still others are preserved as the most tender, real and sacred days past. Today, most likely in concert with much else contributing to this phenomenon - time with a certain respected celebrity friend, a center at work whose fragility simply refused to hold, unexpected conversations with the sincerest of old friends, etc. - I came upon an album that caught me by such surprise (though it shouldn't have), I can consider the experience a true Lagrange Point to add to all the others.

What album you ask? Mary Star of the Sea by ZWAN.

This album had been recommended to me by so many people that know me, I'm ashamed that its taken me more than 6 years from its release to actually give it a listen (apologies around, especially to Cian's sweet mother)...Nevertheless, I've finally gotten around to it. After hearing it now for the 4th time in a mere 4 hours, what surprises me the most about my reluctance to listen to it upon its release is that Billy Corgan cut it almost immediately on top of his brief stint as a contributing member of New Order during the Get Ready sessions and that album's pre-release mini-tour. I guess, never being a huge Pumpkins fan (blasphemy!), my subconscious reluctance precluded a college-try of a listen back in 2001. I couldn't have underestimated an artist or a record or a vibe more than I did with this absolutely brilliant stab at superstardom redux.

This is a true grower, gaining importance with every listen as the layers, both musically and lyrically, come out like a Seurat. Moreover, as you peel away these layers and superimpose them on the era that it was recorded, Mary Star of the Sea quickly bridges that flux between the death of Britpop, the disintegration of great Emo and the incoming wave of neo-post-punk (see The Killers) that was the early 2000's - fucking fantastic, yet unclassifiable. Imagine, if you will, Carnival of Light era RIDE mixed with Technique. A bitter and unthinkable [or even unfathomable to the uninitiated] proposition, true. Yet, in 2001, it seemed a perfect proposition to anyone that lived through both Shoegaze and Madchester. It suspends a time that never really existed - a Lagrange Point if you will.

Fucking brilliant. The perfect album for those waning days of summer, even if its already autumn.

Outpost Transmissions - Volume 6

2007-10-03T12:51:00.000-07:00

Right out of the oven:

Apparently, Will Smith doesn't think his career has had enough misfires - this idea sounds like a steaming turd of a mistake before it even sees the end of the tunnel (I guess next they'll let Adam Sandler helm a remake of Rocky)...High riding tensions in the School of Media Arts at Chicago's Columbia College lead to donkey cock, firings...I don't know, after scaling 29,035 ft. at temperatures hovering around 14 degree Fahrenheit, maybe you'd feel like taking your clothes off too...Kansas has its share of problems: tornadoes, harsh winters, renegade llamas...Leave it to a bunch of clowns to open up shop in a country where they routinely execute cabinet ministers and military leaders for going against the grain...Good times go bad when skunk gets yogurt container stuck on head...And finally; German tourist who allegedly threatened to kill passengers on board by opening an exit door at 30,000 feet learns how not to get a free in-flight cocktail the hard way...

Scary George W. Bush moment of the week:

About a month ago I posted a link for a recent Congressional Research Service report outlining the many problems associated with employing private security contractors in war zones like Iraq and Afghanistan. Unfortunately for all of us, this intriguing document came much too late as Blackwater, the largest private security contractor in both Iraq and Afghanistan, has recently been bathed in negative headlines, showing itself to be a less than great investment for American goodwill around the globe. For example, its evident from every report The Cupcake has read, most notably this eyewitness account about the Heat-style shootout on the streets of Baghdad on September 16th, that no matter which one it is, the contractors our government has hired operate well outside of normal military protocol. With an air of recklessness already imbedded in my mind from the Iraq mess, I then came across this deplorable story of a seemingly avoidable 2004 plane crash in Afghanistan where a plane piloted by Blackwater contractors deliberately altered course to make their own attempt at the Kessel Run that resulted in the deaths of everyone aboard, including the three U.S. troops that Blackwater had been tasked with transporting. Infuriating you say? Of course. Preventable? Not necessarily. Why? Two words - corporate malfeasance. Until this country wakes up and places the defense of our nation squarely on our military's shoulders once again rather than on mercenaries who are better paid, financed and supplied, corporate malfeasance will be the reason we lose in Iraq, Afghanistan and God knows where else. If our military fails its our fault. If a contractor screws up its their fault. Disgraceful...and all this under the keen, watchful eye of W, self-appointed "Savior of the Middle East." You're doin' a heck of a job Bushie, keep it up!
11th Hour Disclaimer: For any right-leaning readers out there quick to label me anti-military or anti-Iraq or whatever, U.S. military reports made available just this morning (10/5/07) clearly indicate the 9/16 Blackwater incident in Baghdad was completely unprovoked.

Is there (a more tormented soul than O.J. Simpson - as asked a couple weeks ago)?

Yes, as a matter of fact a new candidate has emerged...Michael Vick has definitely entered O.J.'s orbit by having those nasty, yet totally not-unexpected, state charges brought against him. Then, as if dodging defenders and cutting hard for the end-zone for one of his patented whipped-cream-on-shit touchdown runs, it then emerged that he failed a September 13th drug test. The Cupcake will be the first person to say that the Michael Vick circus that came to town all those moons ago has indeed gotten out of hand and has, in most circles, worn out its welcome. However, did anyone bother to notice that he apologized, showed contrition, accepted responsibility and found Jesus on August 27th, yet didn't test positive for dope until the 13th of September? Clearly, that 2 week-period was life-altering to the point where he was able to get his priorities straight and get his life back on track - giving him the benefit of the doubt, one can only assume he was reading the Bible high as fuck. Way to keep keepin' it real Mike.

You should check out: Once Upon A Time in the West by Hard-Fi...following up an album as good as Stars of CCTV was daring enough, for it to be this superb is an accomplishment of epic proportions

Outpost Transmissions - Volume 5

2007-09-25T09:37:00.000-07:00

Right out of the oven:

Face it, some people, like Charles Hoyle, have a death wish...Guillermo gets 5-years in the fun house, a deportation after he serves his sentence and the rest of his life without his testicles...Cartoonist takes it to the limit one more time with the Muslim world, creating the usual mass hysteria (this picture says it all - when is someone gonna introduce these people to quaaludes?!)...The state of Idaho might want to consider adding a driving-while-passengers-have-intercourse-in-back-seat section to standard driver's ed curriculum after Joshua Frank loses control of his SUV...In case you're at a loss for creative gifts to give this Christmas, Celebtrity Skin and Bodily Fluids is selling, among other things, hermetically sealed canisters of Mike Tyson's poop...“When he saw me, he said he was bathing, and asked me if I had some shampoo.”...Any of you guys out there having trouble, er, attracting women? Well, maybe you should try bathing yourself in urine...And, on an electrifying end note for the week; "I don't remember what happened. One minute I was taking a leak and the next thing I knew I was in the hospital!"...

Scary George W. Bush moment of the week:

I have no doubt that most of you would name the Nelson Mandela moment as your top pick, but giving the President the benefit of the doubt after reading that response in context, I'm confident it was blown out of proportion for a cheap laugh, most notably by The Daily Show. So, all jokes aside, the truly "Scary George W. Bush Moment of the Week" for The Cupcake was stumbling across this Dan Froomkin article from The Washington Post regarding Bush's compentency, and more importantly, the real impact of his administration's consolidation of power within the executive branch through his use of political patronage in rewarding long-time loyalists with key administration positions. There once was an administration that thought/practiced the way this one does - consolidation as a necessity to maintain control, categorically lying to the public about a misguided war, using the wheels of the federal bueracracy to elimate its enemies...and they were forced to resign so we could all start over. If you're getting the Nixon vibe I'm putting out, great. If not, you should probably brush up on your American history.

Hopeful "Generation Y is not completely asleep at the wheel" moment of the week:

In a show of true defiance, J. David McSwane, Editor-In-Chief of the Rocky Mountain Collegian at Colorado State University, stuck to his convictions and refused to pull his very concise editorial. Good for him. If only more news outlets had the balls this kid does, we'd be a lot better off.

You should check out: Three Days of the Condor Original Motion Picture Soundtrack by Dave Grusin...most of this album could have just as easily been found in the porn of the 70's - killer stuff

Outpost Transmissions - Volume 4

2007-09-16T18:04:00.000-07:00

Right out of the oven:

On one hand, there could have been worse things to take your frustration out on; on the other hand, cows for target practice?...Area deer suffering from mid-life crisis decides to end it all...Excuse me, flight attendant? I asked for a bag of peanuts, not a bag of penis!...Ever wonder what celebrity you look like? The people at My Heritage have that and a lot more to offer...Sending e-greetings is, in this day and age, passe to say the least, but someecards.com has the opportunity to pump a lot of new life into your on-line greetings...What, exactly, was the best part of Lillian Dunn's morning? Was is the whole driving-with-a-blanket-over-her-head thing? Maybe it was running head-on with her car through the front door of the police station? No, wait, it was definitely the part where she gave that curious, just-almost-mown-down officer the finger in defiance of his concern for her and then sped off...Vanity taken to a new level: Neuticles for your male dog to keep him looking, uhm, virile...and, on an explosive ending note for the week; this suicide-land-dispute-resolution-dinner party sounded like a sure-fire blast...

WTF? moment of the week:

The Smoking Cupcake likes Kanye West as much as the next guy, especially in light of him keeping it real during the Katrina telethon, but his rant at the MTV VMAs last week was absolutely ridiculous...And when I say ridiculous, I don't mean ridiculous because I had a problem with him being upset about not winning despite being nominated for 5 awards. Disappointment, anger, etc...all that I can understand. With probability being like gravity, one would think it safe to assume he's taking home one of those 5 awards. That said, my beef with tha'K to-the-anye is that he was so pissed about not winning an MTV Video Music Award, the single-most irrelevant award given throughout the entire irrelevant award circuit. I mean, are ya' kidding me? It's not like he got stiffed for an Oscar or a Grammy. He got stiffed for a Moon Man! What's even more impossible to believe is he was that upset yet had nothing to do with 2 of the 5 nominations he received (and, technically, a third since being nominated for the Quadrulple Threat of the Year Award merely meant he'd been nominated for 4 other "awards"). Follow my logic: Kanye was nominated for Best Editor and Director. My guess is that Kanye knows as much about video editing and directing as the Cupcake knows about nuclear fusion (my knowledge of which begins and ends with the first 10 minutes of Escape from New York). In fact, according to MTV's own web site, he had absolutely nothing to do with the editing or the directing of the video nominated in both categories. So, why on Earth was he so pissed, for example, about missing out on the Moon Man for Best Editor? Why was he even fucking nominated if he didn't actually do the editing? Mystifying...

Is there:

A more tormented soul on the planet than Orenthal James Simpson? The Juice outdoes himself yet again in Las Vegas to the tune of armed robbery. If we can just get a grand theft auto and imbezzlement or something, maybe he can be nominated for Quadruple Threat of the Year at the 2008 VMAs.

You should check out: Carnival of Light by RIDE...undervalued and overlooked gem from the progenitors of Shoegaze despite abandoning the wall of sound

Outpost Transmissions - Volume 3

2007-09-06T09:24:00.000-07:00

Its a good thing there were no other kangroos reported missing in the entire country of Germany (shocking, I know) or else the cops might have had trouble identifying Skippi...Taking parody to a whole new level, the latest in ghetto fabulous footwear is even offered in kids sizes - just in case any of your little ones at home are aspiring drug lords (free shipping too, woo hoo!)...I was beginning to think bees (or lack thereof) would be the death of us...Larry Craig isn't the only conservative who likes public restrooms as Operation Summer Heat nets Episcopal preist, among others, in North Carolina...Those Orlando squirrels are vicious I tell you...Ah, the things that lead to severe genital bruising: "He pronounced her name May-gan, instead of Mee-gan, prompting Conroy to get upset"...When I think of animal attacks, buffalo rarely come to mind, especially unprovoked buffalo...The victim — described as a “quiet family man” — was attacked after playing pool with pals at a bar in Washington, Tyne and Wear...I'm glad Michael Vick realizes what he, you know, did was immature and that he has to, you know, grow up...The recent GAO report on the less than adequate performance of the Department of Homeland Security comes as no surprsise..."Those fireworks were meant to go up 30 to 40 feet in the air," he said. "And they went off in his face instead!"...and, finally, ever wondered what it would be like to own a lighthouse of your very own? Check out these digs located 3 miles off shore in the middle of the Delaware Bay...

You should check out: ...and this is our music by Brian Jonestown Massacre (thanks to Charli for her immaculate directions)...Anton is on his game big time

Outpost Transmissions - Volume 2

2007-08-21T13:54:00.000-07:00

The Smoking Cupcake has had his usual disjointed week...

What a way to have your girlfriend wake you up for accidentally urinating on her...Has anyone else out there thought about the long-term consequences of the government's trend toward private security contractors in Iraq? The Congressional Research Service did and they uncovered some troubling ramifications that our crack, money grubbing team at the White House surely considered when employing so many of them...Have you heard about that other war we're losing?...Carnivals, and the carneys that work them, have scared the shit out of me for years..."I remember watching people sing karaoke," said Lawrence, a 5-foot-8 woman still in obvious pain. "And then the cops kicked my ass"...I think this op-ed from the Orlando Sentinel sums up my version of the Michael Vick fiasco quite succinctly...Since we're talking dogs, seems Chucky the dog had a serious problem with his owners not getting any mail yesterday (don't the owners always say "it was a freak accident?")...Pete Doherty has got to be stopped!...Neighborhood hawk provides area man with uncommon household problem...

You should check out: Dreams by The Whitest Boy Alive (many thanks to Robbie and Cassavetes)...yes, it runs out of gas toward the end, but the record cover alone make this worth repeated listens