My therapist told me to craft my own version of the Twelve (12) Steps since I am always pointing out the illogic in several of the Steps. I’m not trying to replace AA’s 12 Steps, but rather, formulate my own personal set of steps or guidelines for my own recovery. Each person has a unique recovery program, or at least they should, in my opinion.

1. Don’t drink, don’t drink, don’t drink. Yes, my program is one of abstinence. A few people in recovery believe they can drink in moderation or controlled, but I’ve already tested out that theory, and it doesn’t work for me.
2. Work on and achieve acceptance. Accept your disease, but recognize that it’s ok not be happy about it and that you did not aspire to become an alcoholic. It’s ok to hate that word, alcoholic.
3. Actively participate in AA. Embrace those steps which you believe in, and the fellowship. Discard the rest. Stop analyzing and pointing out deficiencies with AA program. It does no good. Reconnect with your Judaism to achieve some kind of spiritual foundation, whatever that may be.
4. Go to private therapy as outlined by your therapist.
5. Exercise, take care of my body, and eat healthy.
6. Stay in frequent touch with your sponsor.
7. Do Steps 4 and 5 of the AA program the way it’s laid out. It’s important to take that personal inventory and clean out all the “baggage.”
8. Stay away from trigger locations, including bars, certain restaurants, parties and gatherings until I feel 100% confident I can deal with the situation without drinking or craving a drink.
9. Do the making amends steps 8 and 9 of AA the way it’s laid out. It’s equally important to say your sorry to all the people you have hurt. But you can only do this once you have a solid foundation for recovery or else it’s just words.
10. Seek rewards and gratification for a job well done and successes through healthy choices and inner confidence.
11. Forgive yourself of all your past mistakes and focus on the future and the joy and happiness a sober you will bring to yourself and your family.
12. Try to limit acting like a lawyer in recovery by over-analyzing everything and trying to “out-smart” the disease. Keep it simple. Again, if you don’t drink, you’ve done a good job for the day.

As the horrible details started to emerge from Sandy Hook, CT on Friday, the pit in my stomach grew more painful. My productively and concentration level at work became less and less. I was holding back tears all day. I drove home with my dad who had not heard all the details. When he learned that little children had been shot in cold blood, he went catatonic, and he’s not a particularly emotional person.

I have two precious little ones at home, a third-grader and a first grader. They are the world to me, and one of the main reasons I stay on the path of recovery.

I cannot even imagine the horror, grief and devastation the parents of Sandy Hook must be going through.

I came home early Friday from work. I played Wii with my daughter while my wife took my son out for an appointment. She was Rapunzel and I was Flint Ryder from the movie Tangled. After every level we cleared, she ran to me with a huge smile, a hug and a kiss. We had a blast.

My wife came home with piles of sushi from our favorite Japanese place. We devoured our cucumber and avocado rolls, edamame, salmon sushi and my favorite, “Blackjack” maki with eel, sweet potato, avocado and black tobiko. (If you don’t know, I love sushi!).

We lit the menorah and celebrated the 7th night of Hanukkah. We played some more Wii all together, and the kids started fighting with each other. Everything was normal.

My kids had no idea that 20 kids had been shot cold earlier in the day. It could have been their school. (G-d forbid).

Yesterday, we kept the media off. We had a cozy day at home with a fire going, more Wii, drawing, and I did a little work.

We are going to talk to the kids today about the shooting. Most of the parents around here are taking a proactive approach on the assumption that kids will inevitably find out what happened and they will talk.

I’m sure there are folks out there who have turned to their substance of choice to deal with the shootings.

I have not, and have no desire to. My family needs me now.

Hey there. I haven’t posted in a long, long time. Life, work, family just got in the way.

Quick update. Things are going well. Still sober and very much active in AA/recovery. Still haven’t got my head around the AA dogma, nor do I think I will ever really. Heading to my favorite speaker discussion meeting tonight actually. Love to get the shit off my chest!

I won that week long trial I had during the summer. Yes! I also received a very prestigious honor for legal writing. I cannot divulge what it is because I would jeopardize my anonymity.

This year is shaping up to be my best year ever for my law practice. Double yes! Funny how productive one can be clean and sober…

I had a bad bout of pneumonia back in October and I’m still coughing up crud. Not fun! (Flip side is that when you’re that sick, you have no desire to drink alcohol!).

I need to get back to working out and lose some weight. (Don’t we all…).

My family and I have had a great Fall and early winter season doing lots of fun activities.

I will leave you with this article I came across today.  A Lawyer’s Life Cut Short on the AmLaw Daily about Ryan Farley who died of alcoholism at the young age of 39.

A must read for any attorney struggling with addiction. Poor guy….

Take care, Dick

It’s been a long time since I’ve posted here. I just finished a long trial where I was working around the clock until last week. The trial went well. I did my best, and I received very positive feedback from my client, opposing counsel and even the court officer! After, I spent some much needed vacation time with the family on the beach, and played a bunch of golf. I’m feeling rested heading into the busier Fall season.

Hijacking The Brain, How Drug and Alcohol Addiction Hijacks our Brains – The Science Behind Twelve-Step Recovery

During my time-off, I read this amazing book called Hijacking The Brain, by Louis Teresi, M.D., a Harvard neuro-scientist and also a recovering alcoholic. This book, for me, was like a gift from heaven. As you could tell from previous posts, my analytical attorney brain has always asked the question, “How does the 12-step program of Alcoholics Anonymous really work”? Forget the blind faith and the answers from old-timers (“It just does..”). I needed evidence, data, and scientific proof. Well, this book answers the question and explains a lot more about the chemistry of addiction. Here are a few passages from the book:

Just as viruses hijack a cell’s RNA and DNA, drugs of abuse hijack the brain’s core reward pathway to promote continued use. Just as the cell’s survival is dependent on its core DNA and RNA, so is the survival of the organism dependent on an intact brain reward pathway. By hijacking the brain’s reward pathways, drugs of abuse—through changes in emotions, cognitive function, and behaviors—all too frequently lead to severely negative consequences for the host/user, including death.

This “hijacking of the brain” is the central theory of the book. It seems common sense to any alcoholic or drug addict, but to “normal” people, they don’t really understand how alcohol and drugs literally change the brain. It’s like brain damage. Well, not like it, it is brain damage.

Addiction is due to a dysfunctional, substance-dependent reward system, and is characterized by a stress state and cognitive impairment. Once an addict takes a drink or drug, the brain’s limbic reward centers are activated strongly while, concurrently, the stress-response is activated and decision-making centers in the frontal lobe shut down. The body is reacting to a foreign substance that disrupts the nervous system. There is elevation of the stress hormone, cortisol, and a generalized increase in the activity of the excitatory nervous system, particularly in withdrawal states and in reaction to life stress. There is associated cognitive decline characterized by poor decision-making and judgment.

Dr. Teresi talks quite a bit about addiction’s effect on the brain’s limbic reward system — our primitive reward center. As he concludes, “mood altering drugs hijack the brain’s reward centers, leading to compulsive thoughts and behaviors to acquire the mood-altering substance. Consequently, thoughts and behaviors needed to survive are displaced; all the addict or alcoholic wants to do is more of his or her drug of choice.” Any alcoholic can attest to the overwhelming and powerful forces of craving and obsession to drink, and how hard it is to “fight” those forces. Moreover, addition compromises the alcoholic’s cognitive/front lobe functionality — literally making you stupid and incapable of thinking clearly and rationally. Hence, the reason why very smart alcoholics (like myself) engage in incredibly stupid and self-destructive behaviors.

With exposure to drugs or alcohol the stress hormone, cortisol, is elevated throughout our bodies, which potentiates and perpetuates the addiction and further cause’s cognitive impairment and damages other organ systems.

Dr. Teresi also discusses the stress hormone, cortisol. I know stress is one, if not the biggest, reason why I drank. The irony is that drinking at first calms you, but then turns on you, flooding the body with nasty stress hormones, and perpetuating a vicious cycle of wanting to drink to relieve the symptoms of stress. I didn’t really understand this process before reading this book.

Chronic Low Grade Agitated Depression: addicted individual experiences a chronic state of low-grade agitated depression due to abnormally low release of brain reward chemicals. This state is dysphoric and generates an urge to find something—anything— that will relieve this state.

The Big Book famously describes an alcoholic’s state of being “irritable, restless and discontent.” This state of feeling “yucky” is actually chronic low grade agitated depression, and is completely normal and common in early recovery and beyond. Whew, and I thought I was going crazy feeling like crap all the time…

The positive, empathetic socializing experience of the Twelve-Step group makes the addict “feel good,” which is why it is essential for recovery. Several empirical studies support this hypothesis and indicate that social reward is processed in the same brain reward centers in the limbic system as non-social reward and drug addiction. Working the Twelve Steps involves surrendering to a Higher Power and “letting go” of fear, resentment, guilt, self-pity and self-loathing. These emotions are known to be associated with stress physiological states, as exemplified in high autonomic nervous system tone: high blood pressure, elevated respiratory rates, and elevated cortisol (stress hormone) levels. Twelve-Step programs emphasize living along the lines of spiritual principles of honesty, humility, tolerance, patience, acceptance and empathy.

Numerous lines of research have shown that the processes of empathetic social interactions and spiritual practices stimulate the brain’s limbic reward centers, normalize hormonal imbalances and, therefore, we can hypothesize that these “natural” rewards replace those of the addictive substance. With empathetic socialization and spiritual practices, stress is reduced, lowering the blood cortisol level, increasing parasympathetic tone and stimulating oxytocin release.

Here are the goods. Participating in a 12-Step program makes the alcoholic/addict feel good and feel better. It’s a simple as that. Also, the fellowship of AA and 12 Step programs reduces stress and increases the release of the “good” hormones. As any AA member knows, we often feel much better leaving a meeting than when coming in!

Brain imaging studies also show that spiritual experiences achieved through intense meditation and prayer decrease activity in the area of the brain that orients our bodies in space, encouraging a blurring of the normal sense of self. This brain activity can stimulate feelings of mystical unity, “oneness,” peace, and even the sensed presence of God or other invisible entities.

Dr. Teresi advocates for lots of meditation and prayer, citing numerous studies that it makes the alcoholic feel better and heal those damaged neuro-pathways. This is an area which I definitely need to work on. In the morning, I do some reading out of the Hazelden 24 hour book and have begun to pray now and then, but I would love to find a weekly meditation group or class.

Well, that’s all the time I have today. I highly recommend picking up the book!

One day at a time, Dick

Just a quick note because I’m crazy busy at work preparing for a big jury trial starting next Monday.

I’ve been “stacking” up meetings — which around here means simply going to more meetings than usual for a particular reason. So I’ve been hitting around 5-6 meetings/ per week, up from my usual 3-4. My particular reason is that I’m under a lot of work stress due to an upcoming trial and that’s always been huge trigger for me. So I want to keep an even keel heading into my trial, and the meetings give me an opportunity both to decompress and to vent on being stressed out. You see, when I was young and stupid, I used to say “stress is not in my vocabulary.” But of course it was. I just didn’t know how to deal with it properly.

As I shared at a recent meeting, if I had lost a trial, I would have had a few drinks. But had I won, watch out — I would have drunk even more. I used alcohol as much, if not more, to “reward” myself for battling through stress or a successful outcome at work. Success was the trigger.

So now as a recovering person, I know what my major trigger situations are and I’m actively building up a defense to it. Pretty common sense stuff when you think about it.

Well, back to the trial preparation!

One day at a time,

~Dick

As many of you know, I’ve been looking into the SMART Recovery program for a while. I wrote about it previously in this post, Is Smart Recovery A Smart Choice For for An Alcoholics Anonymous Member? I can say that for this alcoholic, it was a smart choice, and I got a lot out of it. I’m just going to add this 1x/week meeting to my recovery program, and continue to go to my regular 3-4 AA meetings a week.

What appeals to me about the SMART program is that it’s based on the current thinking and research in addiction and cognitive/behavior strategies  – something that unfortunately Alcoholics Anonymous has failed to fully embrace. Overall, the meeting was very similar to my counselor-led group sessions at Hazelden which I got a lot out of. My guess is it is also similar to most out-patient group sessions led by addiction counselors.

The meeting was held at an air-conditioned conference room at a local hospital. Definitely more comfortable than a stuffy, hot church basement. The meeting was led by a trained facilitator. He was an alcoholic, and I assume that he went through some type of SMART training to be certified as the group facilitator. Very nice guy and managed the meeting very well.

The first part of the meeting was a “check-in.” Everyone at the meeting had the opportunity to introduce themselves and speak for about 2 minutes or so about why you were at the meeting or how your week was (or anything bothering you for that matter). Unlike AA, there is no requirement that you have to identify yourself as an alcoholic, addict or any type of label. There seems to be quite a few folks very new to recovery, so I’m sure they didn’t necessarily feel comfortable labeling themselves an alcoholic or drug addict right from the start. I’m so used to AA that I introduced myself in the usual “Hi I’m Dick and I’m an alcoholic.” SMART meetings are open to any type of addict so there were folks there struggling with drugs, alcoholic, over-eating and some just dealing with severe depression or anxiety. It was an interesting mix of people struggling with addiction.

The second part of the meeting was a bit unstructured, and I think intentionally so. Unlike AA, at SMART meetings, cross-talk and a healthy back-and-forth is actually encouraged. The facilitator actually started asking me questions about my recent struggles. Whoa, I was a little taken off-guard, but it was a good thing. Some other folks chimed in with comments and questions – which were good and got me thinking about some things I wasn’t doing in my own recovery. One or two questions/comments were a bit off-target, but that’s the nature of the beast. Actually, there was this very annoying guy who kept interrupting me and others with inane comments. That doesn’t happen in AA, obviously. The discussion then took on an organic flavor with participants discussing such topics as dealing with drinking events, relapse, trying to stop cigarette smoking, and the benefits of psycho-therapy and anti-depressant medications.

The next part of the meeting was an exercise led by the facilitator. Using a white board, we did a Cost-Benefit Analysis of drinking/using versus not. We all threw out reasons why drinking was a “good thing” and benefited us – dulls pain, makes us feel good, increases sociability, it’s fun, we like it, etc. Then we brainstormed all the costs and downsides of drinking – unhealthy, financial ruin, harms loved ones, affects career, legal consequences, it’s a depressant, shame/guilt, makes us act irresponsibly, etc. Seeing all the reasons on the white board, it was, of course, a no-brainer that drinking/using provided far more in “cost” than “benefit.” This may be a “duh” moment for any “normie” but for us alcoholics, it was helpful to see it in writing in front of us.

The last part of the meeting was similar to the first, kind of like a recap. We went around and shared what we got out of the meeting and what we were looking forward to or what we intended to work on for the following week.

All in all, it was a positive experience, but I can already tell that for me, just using Smart alone, won’t cut it. I still need the AA fellowship and diversity of meetings, and I still need private therapy and the online recovery community as part of my own recovery program.

I received a handout at the end of the meeting which summarized the principles of the SMART Recovery program, which I’ll share here. It’s somewhat similar to the AA Twelve Steps but without the Higher Power/God piece. Some appealing ideas….

1. Completely accept that you are fallible. Your fallibility including thinking in a manner that greatly hinders you in your individual pursuits and in relating to people with home you live, work and associate.
2. Intensely focus on eliminating your emotional upsets quickly (as soon as they occur) and regularly (several times a week). Follow this practice to give yourself more freedom from self-defeat and toward happiness.
3. Forgive yourself your mistakes. You will make many of them. Practice effective self-help techniques and you will eventually improve your behaviors and your abilities to change. Tolerate others’ shortcomings and forgive their mistakes. Keep your friendships even with their problems, because you won’t find any that do not have them.
4. Accept that you are a creature who thrives on happiness, delight, joy, and love, and work to develop your ability to find and achieve these in as many ways as you can.
5. Accept yourself with your mistakes and shortcomings.
6. Work and practice, and you will eventually improve your abilities to change.
7. If you have attended SMART Recovery meetings and found them helpful, continue to attend and help yourself and others.
8. Continue your Rational-Emotive education through reading REBT books and other materials.
9. Work on upsets quickly (as soon as they occur) using DIBs (Disputing Irrational Beliefs) and the other REBT techniques you have learned.
10. Work and practice – practice and work!
11. Absorb yourself in a long-term interest that brings you happiness!

I’m interested if anyone reading this blog has experience, good, bad or indifferent, with the SMART program. Comment below!

One day at a time, Dick

With the nice summer weather upon us and the abundance of parties, I have been having a hard time. July 4th weekend was particularly difficult. A cold beer would have really hit the spot….

I’ve determined that my current program needs some changes. I’m going to get a new sponsor.  I have fallen out of touch with my current sponsor, plus he’s not the right match for me anyway.

I need to get back to regular therapy. I still have a lot of unresolved issues stemming from my upbringing and genetic makeup. No matter how much success I have or material goods I obtain, I have this hole in my soul or something that I need to fill with reward and recognition. The two mottos I most remember most in my household growing up was my dad’s “We don’t play to win, we play for blood” and my mom’s “Just get over it.” So that’s what I did. I was an assassin who killed and maimed the competition while simultaneously burying inside all negative feelings and emotions. Instead of killing the enemy, it turned on me, and I wound up destroying myself. I need to find some type of peace within my inner soul so I don’t feel the need to dull the pain.

I checked out a Smart Recovery meeting on Monday night, and I really liked it. It reminded me of the group sessions we did at Hazelden. A lot more constructive cognitive help than you get at a typical AA meeting. I will definitely go back.

I have become increasingly disenfranchised with AA. I love the fellowship but I still cannot get through some of the doctrine, especially God/Higher Power piece. I wish I could be more spiritual because I see how beneficial it is to people, but I can’t seem to get there without a huge internal debate and argument. Being a lawyer in recovery sucks sometimes. I love my friends in AA and I love the fellowship. So I will keep going to my 3-4 meetings a week.

Well, that’s about it. Feeling pretty shitty about it. Then I feel better. Then shitty. I just want to get it. Why is it so hard?

~Dick

My sponsor texted me the other day: “You alive? Still sober?” I had to laugh because I just got back from the most fantastic family vacation to Disney World in Florida. I replied, “Yes, very much so!” (On a side note, DisneyWorld is an awesome venue for a sober vacation, especially if you have kids. Be wary of Epcot World Showcase, though, as there is quite a bit of public drinking going on).

The vacation would not have been possible without all my hard work over the last 6 months on my recovery. Not to mention that we could afford it now because my business has been so great during this time as well! I am very grateful and thankful for this.

But, there is also a double edged sword with quick success during recovery. Learning from past experience, one can start taking recovery for granted, and start slipping into old unhealthy mind-sets of over-confidence and denial based thinking. I have continued to attend my 4 meetings per week, and this has kept me grounded.

But I will share a hard moment recently during a night out for my wife’s birthday at a nice Italian restaurant, watching other diners enjoy their wine. “Ah, a glass of nice red Italian wine would be nice, I thought…” So the disease is always just below the surface, ready to pounce at a moment’s notice. My wife asked me if I was ok, and in the past I would have gnashed my teeth and said I was fine. But I was honest and said, no I wasn’t ok, I was have a hard time. I felt bad for her because she doesn’t know what it’s like. But fortunately the food came shortly after and the hand-rolled pancetta tortellini with cream sauce wiped out that craving completely! They say food kills the appetite…and in this case, the craving.

I hope someday that I won’t feel jealous pangs that I cannot enjoy a nice glass of wine at a fancy dinner. My friends in AA always say “this too shall pass.” In the meantime, I just have to recognize that I’m still in early recovery and I cannot control my thoughts, just my reaction to them.

Anyways, that’s all I got today. Carpe Diem and all that.

One day at a time…

~Dick

“The Situation” Sobers Up

If you don’t know who Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino is from MTV’s Jersey Shore reality show, you’ve lived under a rock for the last few years. The show is a maelstrom of booze, partying and debauchery depicting the lives of a bunch of 20 year olds living on the Jersey Shore.

One of the “stars” of the show, Mike “the Situation” Sorrentino, just came back from treatment for prescription pain medication addiction. Surprisingly, The Situation seems to have grasped some of the basic principles of recovery. I was particularly impressed with Mike’s articulation of the “one day at a time” philosophy in the face of a question about him being afraid of relapsing, and his being humble in the face of what is surely a humiliating set of circumstances. I also appreciate how Mike describes the first days in treatment with the emotions hitting you “like a ton of bricks.”

For Mike, like all fellow recovering patients emerging from the safe cocoon of treatment, the real work of sobriety has only begun. As a sober person, Mike’s career choice and lifestyle in the entertainment industry will surely give him a huge challenge. There are reports he may have a live-in sober companion during the next season of Jersey Shore.

Unfortunately for Mike, the reality show industry feeds off of the antics of alcohol and drug fueled “cast members” like Snooki and Pauly D. While disappointing, the average reality show viewer will be quickly bored of Mike heading to a 12 step meeting instead of clubbing. Maybe Mike can get on the new reality rehab circuit with Dr. Drew and company!

Seriously, I hope The Situation is able to stay sober, and wish him the best in his recovery.

One day at a time…

~Dick

Just a quick blog before I leave for our Disney family vacation (which is directly related to my sobriety!).

Last night at my favorite AA meeting — a speaker discussion — the topic was our past. For me, my past, and its associated wreckage, is a double edged sword. On the one hand, I still harbor quite a bit of shame, guilt and remorse about all the stupid things I did when I was active. On the other hand, I know that but for my past, I wouldn’t be where I am now in such a good place.

Letting go of your past is a very important step in recovery as the guilt and shame can literally eat you up inside and cause you to pick up. This reminds me of a meditation passage we read every morning at Hazelden from the 24 Hour A Day book:

There are 2 days in every week about which we should not worry, two days which should be kept from fear and apprehension. One of these days is yesterday, with its mistakes and cares, its faults and blunders, its aches and pains. Yesterday has passed forever beyond our control. All the money in the world cannot bring back yesterday. We cannot undo a single act we performed. We cannot erase a single word we said. Yesterday is gone beyond recall. Do I still worry about what happened yesterday?

I love that passage.

Do I wish I didn’t get pulled over for a DUI? Of course. Do I wish that I didn’t relapse after going to one of the best treatment facilities in the country? Of course. But through my falling down, I wouldn’t have hit rock bottom and had that “gift of desperation” that so many of I needed to finally accept and surrender to the disease.

I cannot change my past. The only thing I can do is live in today.

One day at a time…

~Dick