The Soccer Mom Files

Show of Your Dixie Dukes!!

noreply@blogger.com (Kirsten) — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 20:33:00 +0000

Better late than never! Let's get down to some honorable mentions in the Mom Likes Me Best Caption Contest.

First of all, Kerrie made me laugh with

"X" marks the spot!

But then Lola really made me laugh with

"X" doesn't mark the spot.

Some more good ones include:
Haley with

Billy Ray then yelled to Bubba, "Lookie here boy - standing next to mah sisters a makin mah south rise agin!

Me-Me King with

Look away, Look away
Look away, Dixieland.

Staci with

In an effort to impress Bubba, who swore that the South would one day rise again, Bobbie Jean cut up a Dixie flag, tied it to her body, and watched proudly as it rose down south. It wasn't until after she posed for the picture did Bubba finally explain that the south he was talking about was not the one below her navel.

Bill's Bayou had some great ones, including:

Bubba Joe went to match.com and got what he wanted after entering "Racist Mufffin Top Camel Toe FUPA"

and

Winner of the 2009 "Miss Wish I Was Blind In Tennessee" competition

and

The last thing Bill remembers is Kirsten asking "Does this outfit make my butt look big?"

and

Sadly, Bubba's catch was well over the size limit and he had to throw it back.

and

Laugh if you must, but I wonder how many of you women would look this good after giving birth to 14 of your cousin's kids.

I had to go with Bill's Bayou and Nooter for a double win today because Bill had so many good ones and Nooter had this one and they both really made me LOL. Even though they went against the rules and mentioned me! Anyway, here they are...

Kirsten is tempting me. Must not mention Kirsten's name with respect to this photo. Put down the coffee and step away from the keyboard. Kirsten's payback is a bitch. Do not think "Kirsten" when looking at cellulite.

and Nooter with

clearly this is not kirsten and she is not standing with her cousin/fiance and that is not her wedding dress and this was not the happiest day of her life.

A Full Length Mirror Could Be a Good Investment

noreply@blogger.com (Kirsten) — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 16:11:00 +0000

I can't wait to see what you guys come up for this classy picture!

Funny Cat Lady...

noreply@blogger.com (Kirsten) — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 05:25:00 +0000

Sorry it has been taking me so long to post my winners every week! I really appreciate everyone who participates.

I have noticed a trend lately. I would like to thank YOU Nooter and YOU Bill's Bayou for making this personal with:

kirstens prom photo

and

Not to be outdone by Octo-Mom, Kirsten (now only 6 weeks pregnant) shows off how she got a doctor to insert 27 fertilized eggs into her uterus.

All I have to say is that payback is a bitch, gentlemen!!

On to a couple of honorable mentions:

FreakSmack with

Marlene was thrown into a jealous rage when she came home from
"Frank's Gun and Golf Emporium" to find her husband with Sparky, a male prostitute with a love for cut-offs, and wristbands. Marlene did what any God fearing, gun toting, mother to be would do and emptied a clip into Sparky's Mitsubishi Eclipse. I think it's safe to say Marlene's mood swing was justified.

Lola with

Back stage at the Maury Povich show, Jolene confronts her baby daddy.

Buford and Bubba are so relieved they dodged a bullet.

Jeremy from We Took the Bait with

Give the pallet of Huggies to the guy in the Daisy Duke shorts, and nobody gets hurt....

Mooog had two good ones this week:

Inside the annual WalMart job fair.

and

Proof positive that guys will fuck just about anything
.

Those were great, but the winner this time is Cat Lady Larew with

Register now for our parenting classes. Satisfaction guaranteed or you ammo back.

Does Mom Like YOU Best?

noreply@blogger.com (Kirsten) — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 15:39:00 +0000

Alright, kids!! Here's what you have to work with for today's caption this contest.

Mom Likes Me Best (The Winner, Not the Guy in the Picture)

noreply@blogger.com (Kirsten) — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 15:46:00 +0000

Let's get to the winners from last week's caption contest. Here's the picture...

Honorable mentions:

Nooter with the delightfully smartassy

moooooog35 seduces his first wife, the treehugger

The aforementioned mooooog35 with

Julie was depressed when she discovered, upon reaching the end of the rainbow, that the leprechaun was at lunch and had left creepy Earl the copy guy to cover for him.

One of my favorites, Reforming Geek, who roasted me one day on her blog. I haven't forgotten and am planning my revenge. Watch out, geek!...with...Um, my Engrish not so good. I know I said "wood" but I only meant..er....trees and stuff.

Ed Adams with

Pornography for nudists. Clothed models.

nonamedufus with

After about a half hour into the session, Brian's aperture was beginning to expand.

Bill's Bayou with

In low light, he drops his drawers and becomes a tripod.

The winner of last week's Mom Likes Me Best Award is:

The Mother with

Taking a nude photography course, Bill misunderstood the nature of the assignment.

Halloween Party Fun!

noreply@blogger.com (Kirsten) — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 13:46:00 +0000

I would love any ideas you might have for my Halloween party this weekend. We're having a party for the kids and their friends and I'm trying to think of some good games. I've already come up with the traditional, "tried and true" games like:

-Bobbing for thumb tacks

-Pin the clever on the loser kid (He's coming, thank God!!)

-Trophys for the best and worst costumes. (Usually the home made ones are the worst!)

-Dwarf tossing (I'm renting them for the night and they will be dressed as li'l monsters)

-"I've Got a Secret" game. You should see their faces when I tell them there's no Santa. It's precious!

-"Ghost Hide-n-Seek", where you take the loser kid and have him hide. No one goes to look for him.

However, I would love some non-traditional, original games to play. Any suggestions?

Caption This Wednesday

noreply@blogger.com (Kirsten) — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 15:16:00 +0000

I apologize in advance if you lost your lunch due to viewing this picture. Why not make the experience worth while and caption this before you leave?

Last Week's Mom Likes Me Best Award Winners!

noreply@blogger.com (Kirsten) — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 16:30:00 +0000

Sorry for my late post of last week's caption this contest. Life keeps getting in the way of my blog fun!

Honorable mentions:

Bill's Bayou had a bunch of good ones including:

Lawrence wasn't getting enough beatings in high school so he came up with this idea for his senior picture.

and

It's not the size of your column. It's how you use it.

Cat Lady Larew with

Nicholas poses for the cover of his new magazine, Ass Nick and Old Lace

P.L. Frederick with

“Make-up is one way to successfully hide a zit. Here's another.”

Mike WJ at too Many Mornings with

Stephen chose a highly unorthodox way to announce his sexual orientation to his mother and father.

Nooter with

moooooog35's high school yearbook photo
(hee hee!)

and Lola with

I feel pretty,
Oh, so pretty,
I feel pretty and witty and gay!

And now for the winner! It's mooooooog35 the simple, yet hilarious:

Somewhere, out there, a father cries uncontrollably.

Caption This Wednesday

noreply@blogger.com (Kirsten) — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 14:07:00 +0000

I know you guys can come up with something great with this! Caption away!!

Creamcicle Leisure Suits!!! Mmmmm!

noreply@blogger.com (Kirsten) — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 15:46:00 +0000

Sorry for the delay in announcing the winners of last week's caption contest! I hope it didn't ruin your whole weekend! Let's start off with some honorable mentions.

Nooter with

finding out her birthday party stripper was going to be a johnny depp impersonator was a little more than nana could handle all at once.

and

roy now realizes crashing a sorority house reunion party wasnt going to be as much fun as the original.

Bill's Bayou with

A new television mini-series based on the true story of a Social Security extortion ring is coming to CBS: "Hurl, Pearl, and Earl"

Haley with

Hilda felt ill when she learned that her long awaited key party was only going to be four people: sister Kate, cousin Dewey, Hilda herself, and the cameraman hired to document the proceedings.

renal failure with

Ethel's creamcicle pants suit was making Martha ill. Her imaginary drinking buddy Slab Beefchest, however, was nonplussed as always.

Me-Me King with

The escort service promised Guido that the girls would be experienced and that they loved to party.

CatLadyLarew with

With Thelma down for the count and young Edwin not far behind, Florence was well on her way to winning "Last One Standing".

Candice with

Granny is in the process of having a heart attack, but F it. Who wants a gin and tonic?

Mike WJ at Too Many Mornings with

Leonardo DeCaprio realized his acting career had taken a serious downturn when he realized he was not only starring in a porn film with Betty White and Rue McClanahan, but partying with them at a Holiday Inn.

And the winner is nonamedufus with

On the second day of our Thanksgiving family reunion Mom dons her favourite liesure suit and Gramma makes room for turkey and cranberries.

Now is the Time We Roast Da Old Man!

noreply@blogger.com (Kirsten) — Thu, 08 Oct 2009 16:09:00 +0000

One of my fave bloggers needs to put his helmet on and get ready to be roasted. It's none other than the Crotchety Old Man! He's been having to deal with some serious medical problems and he needs some ridicule from me to make him feel better.

Crotchety was my first bloggy friend. I had some fish on my blog that you could feed by clicking on them. He used to like to come over and feed my fish. Poor guy thought they were real. For old time's sake, why don't you feed some of Crotchety's fish on the right. Shhh! Don't tell him they're fake.

Poor guy doesn't understand. Of course he doesn't, he's old! I know what you're saying. You're saying, "But, Kirsten, just how old is Crotchety?"

He's so old,
he walked into an antique store and they kept him.

He's so old,
Jurassic Park brought back memories.

He's so old,
the key on Ben Franklin's kite was to his apartment.

He's soooo old
he knew Mr. Clean when he had an afro.

He's sooo old,
when he reads the bible he reminisces.

He's so old,
here's a picture of him at his last birthday.

I know he looks like a chick here, but give him a break, he's old. Unfortunate choice of glasses...

That's all I have to say about Da Old Man! Get well, we love you!!

Caption This Wednesday

noreply@blogger.com (Kirsten) — Wed, 07 Oct 2009 15:24:00 +0000

I hate to disrespect Nana, but someone's gotta caption this!!

That's Offensive!!

noreply@blogger.com (Kirsten) — Tue, 06 Oct 2009 04:06:00 +0000

This week is quite exciting for me since I get to roast two fellow bloggers. That means I get to talk trash about people! I always say, if you don't have anything nice to say, then sit next to me.

I will make this a two parter. (According to spell check, "parter" is not a word, but you know what I mean, so whatever.) I digress...

This part will be my official roast of Chelle B., the Hello Kitty lovin', Jesus' taco eatin',
The Offended Blogger. I would tell you the truth and say that I love being offended by her blog every day, but this is a roast so I won't go there. I also won't say that I wish her the best with all of her stressful health problems of late.

I have to say that for a while now, I wanted to steal from Chelle. I guess I should come clean and just say it. Now that I think about it, I did steal from Chelle. I just haven't used said stolen property yet. I read one of her posts from at least a year ago, and saw this...

It was right there for the taking. I fell in love immediately. It says everything so beautifully. It could easily be used for any occassion on this blog. I saved it for all these months. Now I must come clean. Chelle, I coveted your picture and I downright stole it.

Wait a minute! This is a roast. not a confessional for my past transgressions. That's right, Chelle, I stole from you and I would do it again! And another thing! I hate Hello Kitty, guns and guys named Jesus that make tacos out of their roach coach!! If you don't know what I'm talking about, then go check out The Offended Blogger and get offended now.

Also, go check out Quirky's roast while you're at it.

Fun with Renal Failure!

noreply@blogger.com (Kirsten) — Fri, 02 Oct 2009 15:42:00 +0000

Thanks again to everyone for participating in this week's caption contest! It's hard to pick just a few, but here goes.

Honorable mentions:

Me Me King with

Okay, ladies, keep your hands off my berries.

moooog35 with

Luke Perry's career really sucked after 90210.

and

..later that day after a tough round of golf and many mimosas, Jimmy found himself seeds-deep in the old broad to his left.

and

Worst. Porno. Ever.

nonamedufus with

It was ladies only day at Augusta but Jimmie was sure they'd let him play because he was a fruit.

And this week's winner of The Mom Likes Me Best Award is the always funny renalfailure with

The Lesbian Khaki Camel Toe Invitational Tournament is brought to you by Smuckers' Jelly. Now in Strawberry!

Thanks again to EVERYONE for participating!!!

Let's Hear It for Strawberry Guy!

noreply@blogger.com (Kirsten) — Wed, 30 Sep 2009 15:28:00 +0000

All right, kids! It's Caption This time again. Let's see what you can do with this...

Now go check out my friends' blog contests. Ettarose and nonamedufus

Sometimes Less is More

noreply@blogger.com (Kirsten) — Tue, 29 Sep 2009 19:55:00 +0000

I love Americans! We always come up with the best ideas!

I Hate This Monday!

noreply@blogger.com (Kirsten) — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 15:46:00 +0000

I'm in such a crabby mood this morning! Everything is pissing me off! Nothing can get me out of my blues this sh^%$!*y monday morning. Oh, wait a minute...

Thanks officer!!!

Nothin' But Winners Today!!

noreply@blogger.com (Kirsten) — Fri, 25 Sep 2009 15:37:00 +0000

Thanks to everyone who participated in this week's contest! Please check out the comments to see ALL of the great entries. For now, here are some honorable mentions:

VABookworm87 with

While visiting a friend, Tom hoped to visit the county fair. Tom's friend was more than happy to loan him some "festive" clothes for the occasion. Unfortunately for Tom, who is totally blind, his friend has a sick sense of humor.

Bill's Bayou with

Coincidentally, Saint Joseph's elementary school no longer has it's annual "Bring Your Father To School" day.

Me-Me King with

Melvin embraces the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy.

Lola with

Mardi Gras at Bert's place. Bert, if I give you my beads, promise not to flash me your melons, k?

...Bert, let go of the bottom of that shirt now.

And the winner of the coveted Mom Likes Me Best Award is:

nonamedufus with

That melon diet can be tricky but I'm willing to try if I can just get my head around it.

Caption This!

noreply@blogger.com (Kirsten) — Wed, 23 Sep 2009 15:58:00 +0000

I can't wait to see what you can come up with for this!

Thanks Trichup Oil!!

noreply@blogger.com (Kirsten) — Tue, 22 Sep 2009 15:26:00 +0000

People of Wal-Mart

noreply@blogger.com (Kirsten) — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 15:19:00 +0000

I don't have a lot to say today other than to let you in on my new favorite website. It's right up my alley! My cousin told me about it and now I'm addicted. It's called, People of Walmart. Enough said...

Mom Likes Me Best Award!

noreply@blogger.com (Kirsten) — Fri, 18 Sep 2009 15:15:00 +0000

Thanks to everyone who captioned this lovely pic.

Honorable mentions include:

nonamedufus with

Jethro, their first born was such a turkey that Betty-Jo and Cleetus hoped to have better luck with their next child.

Blonde Goddess with

Glenn Roy was pleased to find that Becky Lee's daddy still included the dead turkey dowry even though it was a shot gun wedding.

Single&Married with

ummm...he is checking to see if she is done yet?
(he knows the turkey isnt, duh)

mooooog35 with

Linda decides to play it safe and include both potential fathers of her baby in the picture.

and one for my mom,

She's wearing white after Labor Day?!?!?

Now for the winner of the Mom Likes Me Best Award! She happens to be one of the coolest bloggers around, Quirkyloon with the very creative,

(Alanis Morrisette voice)

"I'm red-necked, and I'm laughin,
I'm dumb, but I'm knocked up.
I'm not sure it's his baby.

"And what it all boils down to,
Is that Bubba hasn't got it figured out just yet.
Cuz he's got one hand on my belly and the other one is holding a turkey leg!"

Thanks for playing everyone!

Caption This Turkey

noreply@blogger.com (Kirsten) — Wed, 16 Sep 2009 15:30:00 +0000

I'm at a loss with this one. Where to start? Please help me with a good caption!

My Patrick Swayze Crush

noreply@blogger.com (Kirsten) — Tue, 15 Sep 2009 16:16:00 +0000

I know it wasn't shocking news, but I was kind of taken aback when I found out that Patrick Swayze died yesterday. He was too young to die and my heart goes out to his family and friends.

I first decided that I had a crush on him when I saw the 1986 movie, "Youngblood". Now that I look at this picture, I wonder what I was thinking! That was a great movie, because it also had the totally cute Rob Lowe too. Try not to laugh at this awesome picture.

That's my fond memory of Patrick Swayze. RIP!

Kanye, Your Mom Must Be So Proud!

noreply@blogger.com (Kirsten) — Mon, 14 Sep 2009 16:13:00 +0000

Today is a big day here at The Soccer Mom Files. It's the day that Billy Bob Thornton is officially dethroned as the biggest douchebag on Earth!! Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the newest toolbox of the millenium, Kanye West.

UPDATE! This guy never stops!