The Soccer Mom Files

Old School Wisdom

noreply@blogger.com (Kirsten) — Tue, 30 Mar 2010 14:24:00 +0000

Parenting tip of the day:

"Not soon enough. Laboratory tests over the last few years have proven that babies who start drinking soda during their early formative period have a much higher chance of gaining acceptance and "fitting in" during those awkward pre-teen and teen years. So, do yourself a favor. Do your child a favor. Start them on a strict regimen of sodas and other sugary carbonated beverages right now, for a lifetime of guaranteed happiness."

In your face, all you organic, no sugar moms! Who's the smart one now?!?!?!

Sorry for Being So Late!!

noreply@blogger.com (Kirsten) — Mon, 01 Mar 2010 17:13:00 +0000

Sorry for not judging this past contest! I have had to be away from my blog for a few weeks. Now I'm back and ready to get on with it. I hope I have at least one reader out there left! Anyway, here goes...

Here the picture I gave you guys to work with:

Here are some great ones:

CatLadyLarew with

After the unparalleled success of his toilet paper head gear, nothing else seemed to go right with the rest of Sam's inventions.

nonamedufus with

They may have called her shit-for-brains, but Mei-Li felt she was really on to something with her latest invention intended for people who, when arguing, tend to go off in all directions.

Freak Smack with

Finally, a practical
shoe for the mermaid with fallen arches.

Bill's Bayou with

"When dog shit in shoe. You wipe out with toilet paper. Then turn shoe around and wear side with no shit. I sell million of this."

Nooter with

professor farnsworth had a sure fire winner for this years inventors convention - the handy h1n1 'sneeze block' dispenser unit. unfortunately he couldnt remember where he put it so he had to go with an older invention, the 'give yourself a swift kick in the butt' shoe. ever the optimist, he was still hopeful of his chances...

and

after the alien abduction and, um, examination, pat started having all sorts of wonderful new ideas

This MONTH's winner is Renal Failure with

Hi it's Vince with the Shoe-Wow!

Caption This

noreply@blogger.com (Kirsten) — Wed, 27 Jan 2010 16:15:00 +0000

Not sure where to start with this one...

I'm Not Worried

noreply@blogger.com (Kirsten) — Mon, 25 Jan 2010 19:15:00 +0000

Is anyone else ever scared of their kids sometimes?

Or is it just me?
I'm sure it's nothing...

Personal Foul

noreply@blogger.com (Kirsten) — Fri, 22 Jan 2010 16:23:00 +0000

Thanks to everyone for your funny captions for this pic.

Let us begin with some honorable mentions...

Lola with

Yet another reason why football needs to eliminate the touchdown dance. You knew eventually someone was going to take it too far.

Bill's Bayou, as usual, had more than one great one with

Super Bowl? I'll show you my Super Bowel!

and

Personal foul or foul person? You decide.

and

"Go deep! GO DEEP!"

Nooter with

hey big boy, how bout if i put this ball between your uprights then we can go back to my place and practice our illegal procedures? yeah?

Those were all great, but Mooooog35 made me LOL with this one:

Desperate for sex, Randy misunderstands when someone in the stand told him that 'Eli Manning sucked.'

You get another one of these, Moooog! You probably need another trophy case by now. I hope all this glory doesn't go to your head. BTW, if you want to see Jesus in a Snuggie, stop by Moooog's blog today.

Caption This

noreply@blogger.com (Kirsten) — Wed, 20 Jan 2010 13:12:00 +0000

Since the Super Bowl is coming up, I thought I would do a football themed Caption This contest today. Anybody game??

You Stuck That WHERE?!

noreply@blogger.com (Kirsten) — Tue, 19 Jan 2010 16:38:00 +0000

ALWAYS read the small print. Don't ask my husband how he knows this.

Mom Likes Jules Best!

noreply@blogger.com (Kirsten) — Mon, 18 Jan 2010 17:18:00 +0000

Thanks to everyone who participated in the caption contest last week. Let's get started with some honorable mentions before I crown the new, "Mom Likes Me Best" winner.

Mooooog35 with

Ten bucks says this guy gets through airport security.

Me-Me King with

Mondomango discovers lip syncing is very difficult while wearing the traditional e-coli-petri-dish.

Bill's Bayou with

In his right ear, he can hear the ocean. In his left ear, he can hear Billy Ocean.

Nooter with

click-click-dirk dressed in high style for his hot date with the new anglo aid worker krrrz-tnnn

Don with

Say hey! Me, reggae and my AK! Wurd up!

CatLadyLarew with

Bangle bracelets, shell necklace, lip disc, AK-47, iPod... what more could a girl want?

This week's winner is the very creative, Jules, with

Dear Mom and Dad,
Funny story, I met some new friends over the weekend on a yacht in the Mediterranean, and I woke up in Africa.
Those warlords are NUTS!
Anyway, I need some cash. Fast.
You can text, but please don't call. I won't be able to talk.
Love,
Son

Thanks everyone!!!

Good Day, Sun Shines!

noreply@blogger.com (Kirsten) — Thu, 14 Jan 2010 16:09:00 +0000

I hate when I get comments from scammers trying to get me to sign up for some get rich quick scheme or some other bullshit scam. That's why it's a breath of fresh air to get the following comment yesterday. I would love to share this opportunity with all of you. I don't know about you, but I'm totally in!!

Good day, sun shines!
There have were times of troubles when I felt unhappy missing knowledge about opportunities of getting high yields on investments. I was a dump and downright pessimistic person.
I have never imagined that there weren't any need in big starting capital.
Now, I'm happy and lucky , I started take up real income.
It gets down to choose a correct companion who utilizes your money in a right way - that is incorporate it in real deals, and shares the profit with me.

You may get interested, if there are such firms? I'm obliged to answer the truth, YES, there are. Please get to know about one of them:
[url=http://theblogmoney.com] Online investment blog[/url]

The fact that it comes from, "Anonymous" gives me greater confidence.

You're welcome!!

UPDATE:Don't judge, but I actually went to the site and as you might expect, the grammar is pure comedy and it makes absolutely no sense. I thought it was funny until I noticed it gets way more traffic than I do. Basically, you can just put a bunch of words up there that make no sense and get more traffic than I do. I'm a loser.

Caption This Contest

noreply@blogger.com (Kirsten) — Wed, 13 Jan 2010 12:50:00 +0000

I can't wait to see what you come up for this one!

My Work in Action!

noreply@blogger.com (Kirsten) — Tue, 12 Jan 2010 17:39:00 +0000

I would like to thank everyone for wishing me a better Monday yesterday. My day got 100 percent better when some of my readers were kind enough to send in pictures of themselves in my uni-sex clothing line. Thank you, loyal customers!!! (If you don't know what I'm talking about, click here.)

I would love to share more of my genius at work. You're welcome for making the world a more attractive place!!

Here is Dave from Wisconsin whimsically pairing formal black gloves with a sundress. Nice thinking! Eating potato chips with said gloves is another great idea.

Here we have Tiny and Duane from Texas. Tiny enjoys all kinds of extreme and dangerous sports like wearing horizontal stripes on this boat.

Here is Jacques Strap from France wearing a daring outfit that turned out to be a big seller. Who knew? You wear it well, Jacques!

Finally, we have Lee Nover from suburban New Jersey. This is my show stopper. It is quite avant garde and not for everyone, but Lee rocks it!!

Someone Has a Case of the Mondays! : (

noreply@blogger.com (Kirsten) — Mon, 11 Jan 2010 17:47:00 +0000

I hate this Monday! I'm having trouble getting into the spirit of doing a bunch of crap I don't want to do. I got up and had a nice big cup of....

...coffee... I thought that would make me feel better, but it didn't. Then I remembered this:

Thanks, whoever you are! Now I feel better!

My Business Genius at Work

noreply@blogger.com (Kirsten) — Thu, 07 Jan 2010 20:20:00 +0000

Some of you might have noticed that I haven't been blogging for the past few months. I have a reason for that. I have been busy with a couple of business ventures that haven't exactly taken off the way I had hoped. I thought that maybe some of you could help me figure out what I'm doing wrong.

My first business venture was genius! How many times have you been getting ready to go out and wondered out loud, "Why can't I seem to find great looking uni-sex clothing??"?

I know. Me too. I decided that I would start the world's first uni-sex clothing line. I hired some models from the local methadone clinic and was clearly on my way to vast fame and fortune.

Here's a picture of Daryl in a midriff baring spring look. Why aren't men allowed to show off their assets? Since he's got it, why not flaunt it.

Not everyone has the belly to get away with Daryl's outfit. However, some men have legs for days like Wade here. I've come up with a great skirt look that says, "I'm still a manly man."

I have left my show stopper for last. Elrod's finale look says that he's a manly man, yet he still enjoys a good mani/pedi every so often like the next girl. I love his look, however Elrod and I had a few creative differences. While I don't agree with his choice to pair this look with the red knee socks, I'm happy overall with his interpretation of my vision. He obviously wears it well.

Any ideas as to where I went wrong? I'm chalking it up to the current economic crisis.

The Christmas Caption Winner! So Last Year...

noreply@blogger.com (Kirsten) — Tue, 05 Jan 2010 16:17:00 +0000

I'm back! I would like to apologize to all my fan (thanks mom) for being so late in judging this ever-so-important contest. Let's get started with a look at this week's picture...

Let's see what some honorable mentions we got this time!

Bill's Bayou with

Fruitcake? I got your fruitcake!

domesticgoddess with

If I have to match my sisters again next year I will shit in your stocking...Merry fucking Christmas.

Lola with

Cindy couldn't stand Britany's swearing anymore so Britany switched to sign language.

nonamedufus with

Sally, how do you feel about all the neat gifts that Santa brought you? Sally?

The winner has to be Bill's Bayou with the funny, yet wordy

The first time on film, this was not the only time Kirsten has been seen giving this gesture. Some of the more significant moments follow:

Christmas 1973: "Kirsten, do you want to come see President Nixon read 'The Night Before Christmas'?" (see photo)

May, 1979: "Kirsten! We're all going to Baskin Robbins for sundaes. Want to come?" (see photo)

August 1984: "Kirsten, I can't believe your younger sister is getting married before you! Come congratulate her." (see photo)

June 1989: "Honey, come help your father off the toilet. He's had too much to drink." (see photo)

September 1993: "Ma'am, do you know how fast you were driving?" (see photo)

February 1998: "C'mon Honey. Let's try for child number eleven." (see photo)

June 2003: "You have to understand, we can't have your kids coming to school and chewing tobacco in P.E." (see photo)

November 2007: "Lady, please don't put your cigarettes out in the cauliflower." (see photo)

January 2010: "When's this contest going to be judged?" (see photo)

It's the "January 2010" one that got me.

I am going to be back working on my blog more this year. I hope you will come back and enjoy the hilarity!

Caption This, Christmas Edition

noreply@blogger.com (Kirsten) — Thu, 24 Dec 2009 16:16:00 +0000

Merry Christmas to all! May the spirit of the season be with everyone!

Mom Likes Ed Best

noreply@blogger.com (Kirsten) — Wed, 23 Dec 2009 15:53:00 +0000

And now, for the honorable mention captions for this lovely picture. We had some great ones this week. I would like to thank all of you for being able to laugh at this man's misfortune along with me. Now I don't feel so bad! Anyeay, here goes...

Lola with

I thought Red Bull was supposed to give you wings?

I guess not so much when you drink it in too many Jager Bombs.

Jeremy from We Took the Bait with

Motor vehicle accidents account for over 5000 fatalities among college students each year.

Attempting to navigate stairs after multiple rounds of beer pong claims one victim each year.

This is Tyler....

Mooooog35 with

Jimmy always let people walk all over him.

Bill's Bayou with

On the "Ladder of Success", Timmy only made it as high as "Drug Trial Participant."

and, I'm going to hell for this one...

Six more grandchildren and Maw Maw will have the wheelchair ramp she needs.

Anonymous with

Sean entered a six step program but sadly only made it to the second step.

This week's winner is Ed Adams with the simple, yet hilarious:

Who moved the fucking caution cone again?!?!

Caption This!

noreply@blogger.com (Kirsten) — Thu, 17 Dec 2009 20:24:00 +0000

Pikachu?! I hardly knew u!

noreply@blogger.com (Kirsten) — Wed, 16 Dec 2009 05:45:00 +0000

I don't know why, but for some reason, this photo is one of my favorites. I knew you guys would come up with some good captions, so here are a few honorable mentions:

Reforming Geek with

"And this little piggy cried wee, wee, wee, all the way home"

Bill's Bayou with

"Gays Know Fashion"

Another stereotype smashed.

and

After losing the last Pikachu doll, David anchors them on the outside with pink fur-lined handcuffs.

Tbis week's winner is the always funny mooooog35 with

Investigators could not decide which was worse: The kidnapping of Pikachu itself, or the ransom photo they received.

Caption This...

noreply@blogger.com (Kirsten) — Thu, 10 Dec 2009 23:52:00 +0000

I saw this picture and knew that my comic genius readers could come up with nothing but brilliance for this picture...

Still WTF?!

noreply@blogger.com (Kirsten) — Tue, 08 Dec 2009 15:21:00 +0000

Let's get started with some honorable mentions for the caption this contest.

moooooooog35 with

Linda thought something completely different when Ed told her that 'dessert was on him.'

Funnyrunner with

Sadly, Bob's experiment with bird poop as a salve went terribly awry...

Mrsblogsalot with

I swear the real banana's here someplace

Lola with

Fred wanted to make himself more a'peelin' to his wife so he decided to make himself a banana split. (Don't ask where the cherry and nuts are.)

nonamedufus with

Hector wasn't sure, but he was beginning to think the tip he left the waitress might not have been big enough.

Nooter with

moooooog35 submits his application and photo, hoping to become the new president of the bananarama fan club

mooooooog35 with

If covering yourself with cream cheese and banana chips after shaving your head while sitting in flip flops is wrong, I don't wanna be right.

And the winner of the Mom Likes Me Best Award this week is FreakSmack with

"Thanks to the new bananna and yogurt shingles treatment by RONCO, I no longer have to be a shut in, for fear of being embarrased by my unsightly sores and blisters. THANKS RONCO!".

WTF!?!?!

noreply@blogger.com (Kirsten) — Wed, 02 Dec 2009 18:07:00 +0000

This should be good. I dare you to make me laugh with your caption!

Sorry, Baby Seals Are People Too!

noreply@blogger.com (Kirsten) — Tue, 01 Dec 2009 21:02:00 +0000

We had some good captions this week for the bear picture. I can't find it on my computer, so scroll your lazy ass down a little and see what picture I'm talking about.

Back? Good, now let's separate the men from the boys. Honorable mentions:

Moooog35 with

..and many years later as she gave yet another motivational speech, William would wait until the time was right, just right, to exact his revenge on an unsuspecting Goldilocks.

Nooter with

patty the polar bear waited for the chance to show off her 'baby harp seal squares' at the thirty-second annual lady-quilters auxiliary convention and brunch in nome alaska

nonamedufus with

Betty had obviously made a mistake. Instead of the women's workshop on Global Warming, she'd mistakenly stumbled upon the forum on Hot Flashes.

And I had to give it to Bill's Bayou again for

The vote to legalize eating baby seals was defeated with only one vote in favor of the measure.

This Should be Beary Easy

noreply@blogger.com (Kirsten) — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 14:17:00 +0000

It's time to caption this...

Mom Likes Bill Best, Again...

noreply@blogger.com (Kirsten) — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 05:34:00 +0000

Thanks to everyone for some great captions this week! Here's the picture and some honorable mentions:

God with

Even though the crafty prostitute left Dave simmering in a dirty hotel bathroom soaking in ice without a kidney or liver or some other important internal organ, he was bound and determined to attend the tailgate party.

Mooog35 with

The line outside Walmart's first 'job fair.'

and

Once again, more evidence as to why the North won the war.

SplitRock Dozer with

Thats the last time I let Roger put "his stuff" in my cooler.

There were some great ones, but I have to give it to Bill's Bayou this week for the HIGHlarious

Ok. Who took a Schlitz in my ice chest?

Caption This Nascar Fan for Fun and Prizes!

noreply@blogger.com (Kirsten) — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 15:37:00 +0000