The Sophisticated Gentleman's Guide to America

The 13 Worst Superhero Films

2012-09-13T12:35:00.000-07:00

In honor of the upcoming Halloween season, I’ve written an article about the one thing that truly frightens nerds to our very core: terrible Superhero movies! In a genre that requires massive and constant suspension of disbelief, these films have gone above and beyond the call of disappointment. Abandon all hope ye who read onward.

13. Green Lantern.

This film just narrowly made the list by the way it squandered so much of its perceived potential. The Oa stuff is great (all 3 minutes of it)! Everything else? Pretty much unbearable. Ryan Reynolds tries his hardest, along with Mark Strong as Sinestro, but literally everyone else, aside from the Oa designers and effects gurus, could not be forced to give one shiny crap about this movie. Blake Lively drags this into the realm of utter misery, making it the first time I couldn’t understand the plot of a film because the actress was constantly and randomly conveying absolute nothingness, making all of the stakes seem completely inconsequential.

12. the Spirit

“the Spirit” is incoherent, yet beautiful, like a dream. Rented it twice by accident, still can’t remember any of it. Even Eva Mendes’ bare butt couldn’t save this vague abortion. Frank Miller needs to sober up.

11. Masters of the Universe

Pitch: Let’s take He-Man out of Eternia and put him in the 80’s with a synthesizer subplot that is absolutely useless! After the pretty-cool first 15 minutes, this rapidly descends into a dated, two hour face palming session. I will give credit where its due to Billy Barty for his awesome fried chicken eating / stealing.

10. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 3

Steve Barron’s return to his greatest film got some hopes up, but this effort was ultimately heartless. Aside from the “Corey Feldman/ Donatello is a pedophile” subplot, the Turtles look the worst they ever have, inexplicably. Casey Jones, who was so awesome in the first film, essentially gets a glorified cameo this time around, babysitting wacky, ancient, Japanese Samurais, present day. I understand that “Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure” was awesome, but that doesn’t mean that EVERY film should be “Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure.”

9. Captain America (1990)

2 words: rubber ears. Captain America (“Revenge of the Nerds” jock extra, Matt Salinger) manages to be a superhero for approximately 5 minutes before getting strapped to a rocket and launched into some icy water, freezing him until 1990, where he becomes just barely a fish out of water but still seems plenty damn comfortable. Cap’s great strategic mind is only shown when he repeatedly fakes like he’s gonna vomit, then runs away from the enemny, multiple times, throughout the entire film. Red Skull has a face for 98% of the movie, and is Italian. Pre-Captain America, Steve Rogers is still a huge, muscular, dude, but his clothes are baggy (special fx!). This film and the shame caused by his offspring are obviously the reasons J.D. Salinger fell off the face of the Earth.

8. Steel

“Steel”: where for some random reason, Shaq builds rubber armor and hits drug dealers with a hammer. For the record, let me just state that evil Judd Nelson ONLY works in the Breakfast Club. Oh yeah, and Shaq can’t act, and somehow doesn’t quite come across as a super-genius (I know, I know, hard to process when he played such a convincing rapping Genie is Kazam). But he really likes Superman (but only in real life)!

7. Batman and Robin (1997)

Amazingly, remarkably bad, as if it intentionally so. The dialogue is somehow all one liners and childish puns. I have heard rumors that the script was in fact a coloring book. Batman and Robin carry lasers, rubber lips, and ice skates in their boots. The sometimes amazing Uma Thurman gives us her absolute worst. Batman is the friendliest, nicest father figure on Earth. PS: Michael Goughes’ Alfred death faces are hilarious. Also: Evil Hockey Players. Really? Really?! Okay, okay, I'll chill out (GET IT?!).

6. the Last Airbender

You can tell the plot to this did not express itself easily because most of the film’s dialogue is narration. While the cartoon series, “Avatar: the Last Airbender” is arguably the greatest American animated serial of all time, this film failed to capture ANY of what made the show so profound. The plot involves a bald white kid, who for some unexplained reason is stuck in a block of ice, but then for some reason two pilled out white kids break him free and are like, "Whatever." Most intelligent viewers swiftly left the theater when, about a third of the way in, our protagonist Aang shows up to an enslaved village of EarthBenders and says, “Remember you are Earth Benders!” to which they all instantly remember this fact and immediately take back their town via rock levitation. Kudos to M. Knight Shyalaman for inventing the term “Race Bending” in regards to the whitening of the cast, and Indian-ing of the villainous Fire Empire. The studio obviously gave up on this about midway through as there are literally scenes of Aang practicing his bending, with NO SPECIAL EFFECTS UTILIZED. Meaning the actor is pretending to telepathically control the elements, and the elements are sitting there doing NOTHING. Also, mad props for a climax where our hero refuses to fight and the bad guys just give up and leave because they see a big wave (in the TV series, Aang power zords into a huge water monster and kills an entire army). Arguably the worst fantasy film ever.

5. Alyas Batman y Robin

75% Philipino. 25 % English. 100% Unintelligible. Bat Boners. Bat Beach Boys song and dance numbers every 10 minutes. Midget Spider-Man. Am I forgetting anything? Ah yes, Bat Coffee.

4. Hero at Large

John Ritter stars in this prequel to Kick Ass. Nuff said'.

3. Superman 4: the Quest for Peace

A homo-erotic He-Man Villain with the voice of Gene Hackman! Long, monotonous Superman monologues discussing Nuclear Proliferation! Ducky! Massive love interest confusion also ensues as Margot Kidder is too wacked out of her mind on drugs or insanity to be considered desirable to any non-Norman Bates types (but is still contractually bound to appear in this series), thus giving us a random, vapid hot blonde for Supes to fly around with (Mariel Hemingway, who can inexplicably breath in space). I can’t even imagine what this film would have turned into if they had used the footage they’d shot of a mentally disabled, New-Wave Bizarro. Obviously the reason Ernest Hemingway killed himself. PS: Superman confirms rapist status this time around with blatant overuse of the “Super Kiss.” Shame on you, Superman. Shame on you.

2. Son of the Mask

“Son of the Mask” takes everything from its dumb yet entertaining precursor and dumbs it down to a level I’m assuming is meant for babies or people who are overall distracted/ can’t understand English. What stands out as the worst part of this awful film is Jaime Kennedy’s musical performance of “Can’t Take My Eyes Off of You.” It boggles the mind that a producer recorded this, put as much effort into salvaging Kennedy’s off key performance as possible, fails, and yet still inserts the song into the film, completely devoid of charm, humor or talent. But what of the sometimes great Alan Cumming as Loki? Before this film I had no idea that Cumming was an obvious cocaine addict spiraling out of control and into dementia. This film will makes you go back and hate Nightcrawler in X2. This sequel also does away with the major plot point of its prequel that the mask only works at night, so, for die hard “Mask” fans, no, this film is not meant for you either. The make up effects people were not briefed on which "Mask" sequel they were working on, and eventually settled on a green version of Rocky Dennis' face for Kennedy. There's not even any bad catchphrases this time around (Smoookin'!).

1. Catwoman

This is the eye of Madusa of all Superhero flicks; watch, and you will surely lose a piece of your soul if you watch the whole thing. Halle Berry seductively licks a tuna can, and that is somehow the best part. Mind blowingly, life alteringly non-sensicle, poorly acted, horribly edited, non-plotted, with the worst Superhero costume in the history of cinema. Absolute, silver screen, vomit. This is how Berry want from winning the Oscar, to starring in WWE films with David Otunga. Pardon me, I have to go gouge out my eyeballs for remembering this film exists. On a scale of 1 to 10, the film is the least amount of fun since those fish that swim up your urethra and hulk out.

0. Spook

Seeing this 10 minute Superhero flick is believing.

Dishonorable Mentions: Ghost Rider, Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance, X-Men Origins Wolverine, Hulk.

THE 5 PERFECT SUPERHERO FILMS.

2012-08-22T16:21:00.002-07:00

Please note: this list isn’t the 5 MOST perfect Superhero films, this is the list of the ONLY 5 perfect Superhero movies (sorted by perfection). Not to say these films don’t potentially have minor plot holes, these are the films that aren’t CRIPPLED by them (I’m looking at you ‘Dark Knight Rises’). These are films where the pace goes by undetected, where moments of levity don’t induce boredom or face-palming, where the romances don’t feel forced or may not even be included (‘SuperMan: the Movie’ just barely missed this list because of the Lois Lane interior poetry monologue). Bad acting is nowhere to be found in any of these movies, even from minor characters or glorified extras (as in: that bored, monotone fireman mentioning the “poor souls” who died in the apartment building fire in 'Spider-Man 2' like he was complaining that there wasn’t enough mayo on his BLT). Without further adieu, here is the perfect listing of perfect Superhero movies:

5. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

"Yo girl, lemme' show you the secret of my ooze."

Not only does this first entry into one of the most massive franchises of all time perfectly display the very best of all its characters (with the excusable exception of Donatello trading science for all the pathos that being Corey Feldman entails), it deftly introduces everything without the tedious Superhero origin story set-up, utilizing a montage for their origin that puts the Incredible Hulk’s heartless ADD opening to shame. Its funny, its action packed, its kid friendly and the characters are genuine with real emotional shortcomings and everyday problems. The Turtles each carry their own distinct personalities and Jim Henson’s peeps deserve an Oscar for every scene where Raphael rage weeps (about 1,000 times better than Hugh Jackman’s overly-sensitive-jazz-dance-enthusiast Wolverine ever could). Unfortunately all the live action sequels are awful, and TMNT does work as a follow up, but only in comparison to the truly wretched ‘Secret of the Ooze’ and unnecessary ‘Turtles in Time.’

Best line: “You must be studying the abridged book of Ninja Fighting.” - Raphael

4. The Dark Knight

Plot hole: If Joker had just landed on Batman's balls, this fight would have been OVER.

Batman Begins was a great building block for this fantastic movie, the only film in Nolan’s trilogy where we get a FULLY REALIZED Batman. Heath Ledger’s Joker is arguably the best/ most fun super villain of all time, and he takes Batman to limits of a sanity and endurance threshold which he had never crossed before on the silver screen. The death of Batman’s main squeeze was a pleasant and effective surprise, and Christian Bale’s mournful and emotionally damaged performance added even more depth to the evil and insanity lurking beneath Joker’s powdered makeup and mascara. The mystery surrounding Joker added so much more intrigue into the character as well, cementing him as an impenetrable specter, something more than a man (matched only by Darth Vader in ‘A New Hope,’ and formulaically copied for a vague Bane in ‘Dark Knight Rise.’). Gary Oldman, Morgan Freeman and Michael Caine all add loads of gravitas in their respective roles, grounding this film in an intense and beautifully acted reality. The subtext and grim ending created a superhero universe that, maybe for the first time in Hollywood, wasn’t black and white. It set up a dream third act of the trilogy that, unfortunately Heath Ledger’s death effectively neutered. Joker’s final comments in the Dark Knight about battling Batman “forever” mean nothing, as do Commissioner Gordon’s goose-bump inducing closing lines, “He's the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now. So we'll hunt him. Because he can take it. Because he's not our hero. He's a silent guardian, a watchful protector. A dark knight.” So instead of being that, the Dark Knight Rises gave us a Batman who was only Batman for a year, and some subpar villains (Bane: a henchman who’s an amalgamation of Winnie the Pooh and evil Sean Connery, being led around by Miranda Tate [some boring, doughy french chick who wants to blow up Gotham cause the ghost of her estranged dead father was all like, “Wouldn’t that be awesome?!”]).

Best line: “Do you want to know why I use a knife? Guns are too quick. You can't savor all the... little emotions. In... you see, in their last moments, people show you who they really are. So in a way, I know your friends better than you ever did. Would you like to know which of them were cowards?” - Joker

3. The Avengers

"All right guys, lets just hold these action poses until he wakes up... should be any minute now..."

Thank whatever Deity you praise that the previous film incarnations of the iconic Avengers introduced these characters with so much depth and humor, that it seemed impossible for this movie to be bad. And then we got the greatest director imaginable to handle this (arguably next to Spielberg). I say ‘we,’ because this was made FOR AND BY comic fans. Bright, sparkly, canon-accurate super suits? Yup. Wit and humor at every turn? Correct! Getting the chance to see every superhero live up to their most-heroic and bad ass potential? Epic! BlackWidow and Hawkeye were subtle and effective. Loki had his origin story as the plot of Thor, so it was great to see his destructive force utilized to its true potential. Iron Man was hilarious and kudos for this being his first primarily non-improv’d outing. The Chitauri overall were great action-fodder just being powerful enough to pose a threat, but not too powerful that our heroes couldn’t seriously and beautifully smash them (I felt like Cap battling a Chitauri squad in the bank was a cherry on the character cake, showing how and why this World War 2 fox hole grunt was made to lead a team of super-misfits). Also: Best. Hulk. Ever. This was the comic book movie we always felt we deserved and never thought we’d get. There is so much hope for the impending sequel that I can’t help but fathom that it will surely disappoint its limitless expectations.

Best line: “Puny God.” - Hulk

2. the Fly

"Its so damn hot. Milk was a bad choice."

This 1986 remake of the 1958 camp classic is notoriously the first time that director David Cronenberg (recent hater on Superhero films) was able to channel his body modification horror into an outlet that actually made sense. Although I’m sure Cronenberg would argue against the notion, this film is essentially a wildly inventive formulaic super hero origin story. Here’s the plot: Nerd meets girl, nerd has experiment that goes awry and gives him super powers, nerd gets girl, nerd fights biker thugs, nerd saves baby Eric Stolz’s life, nerd melts hands off of villain/ romantic rival in climactic battle, nerd gives up girl because he loves her too much and doesn’t want her to get hurt as a result of his awesome power and the consequences they entail. Sound familiar? Recast that baby and you’ve got Sam Raimi’s ‘Spider-Man.’ He even gives himself a SuperHero moniker: “Brundlefly.” Jeff Goldblum gives his greatest performance as passionate scientist ultimately corrupted by the search for knowledge and power. Geena Davis gives her absolute best as the spunky journalist caught in extremely desperate circumstances. Chris Walas’ award winning effects have never been better or more gruesome. The Fly may in fact be the #1 movie to not eat while watching (okay, I suppose its neck and neck with ‘Human Centipede 2’). The action is well shot and satisfying, and the abrupt ending is emotionally wrenching, forever placing this monster flick as one of the great tragic romances of all time. The sequel is serviceable, but if watched back to back there is a major lapse in quality.

“My teeth have begun to fall out. The medicine cabinet is now the Brundle Museum of Natural History. You wanna see what else is in it?” - Seth Brundle.

1. RoboCop

"I am gonna' finger-bang you so good."

Its the story of a man who becomes a machine that evolves back into a man. Its gritty, dirty, hardcore political and social commentary the likes of which will most likely never be seen again in a post 9/11 propaganda driven America. Paul Verhoeven came over as an immigrant from the Netherlands, was horrified by our greed is good, everybody has a price culture, and made an iconic all American superhero film that successfully rips us a new anus with its monumentally deprecative subtext. Its graphically vulgar, the violence is brutal to say the least (people melt, explode, and get their genitals shot off), and the humor is dark as midnight on a moonless night (“Let’s give him a hand,” - says Red Forman while Officer Murphy’s hand is turned into gore confetti). Weller’s physicality was overhauled thanks to expert mimes and break-dancers, allowing him to give an unparalleled superhero performance. The film is action packed, funny, sad and uplifting. It transcends the genre in just about every way imaginable. There's not much if anything to criticize, and the deuce ex machina of the genocidal ED 209 being defeated by stairs is more hilarious than convenient. Unfortunately, I can’t recommend watching the sequels or the TV show under any circumstances. All the nuke in the world couldn’t make them entertaining. To be expected though, this was one film franchise that was too good not to be corrupted.

Best line: “Bitches, leave!” - Red Forman from ‘That 70’s Show.’

Agree? Disagree? Please leave your thoughts below. Also, feel free to love, hate or criticize MY superhero film via youtube:

Does watching this make me a bad person?

2012-04-18T21:27:00.001-07:00

If you've ever had the urge to watch two crazed hobos mangle each other with barbed wire and take turns lighting themselves on fire, then the below clip is for you. Surprisingly, the most enjoyable aspect of this gruesome, sado-massochistic dance party is the Japanese crowd who, at multiple times, respectfully flee in terror, and at others very patiently and empathetically get punched in the face by a blood blind Terry Funk.

These two men have one the most highly regarded and longest running cross-continental feuds of all time. Their legacy proves that you don't have to be good looking or graceful to evolve into a self made legend; you just need to, at an early age, severely damage that part of your brain that tells you not to tangle up yourself or anyone else's face in barbed wire/, and then run with that without evolving into a serial killer or accidentally killing yourself. It still confuses me how/ why they didn't die here. Could there possibly be a hidden and ancient art of avoiding major arteries while wildly swinging a barbed wire wrapped 2X4 at your best frenemy? We may never know as the modern era of publicly traded, family friendly PG pro wrestling has silently and casually neutered itself and in turn, the worst parts of ourselves that secretly and despicably love watching people get horribly fucked up. Is this making the world more sane? Are we all desensitized from the wanton violence and gore beamed into our minds every day by TV, movies and video games? Is it strange that I consider Cactus Jack gently delivering a rib breaker instead of a stiff power slam outside the ring to be a sweet and tender moment of true friendship?

the 10 Super Hero Movie Costumes They Didn't F*ck Up

2012-01-15T10:08:00.000-08:00

10. Thor (Thor)

(Thor: huge Judd Nelson/ Breakfast Club fan)

Ripped straight out of the comics, it'd be hard to track down a fanboy who had a single gripe with this Asgardian Armor. The costume gets extra points for being painfully impracticle (Chris Hemsworth often dealt with searing pain and immobility while performing in it), while managing to look like exactly what one would want to wear in a cosmic battle with a whiny brother.

9. Batman (Batman Returns)

(I'm sorry I tried to fool you into thinking these were real muscles; I won't let you down again)

Many may cry afoul of this choice, as the 1989 Batman is considered the classic, but his fake abs and chesticles were lauded at the time and drew the resentment of everyone who had actual muscles on their torso. Also, look closely and you'll see he's wearing Nike's in #1. The Returns outfit looked more protective and stylish, the optimal choice for any sadistic millionare crime hunter. It also beats out Nolan's two Batsuits as their headpieces are large and awkward, and they both look terrible in the light. Oh, and Joel Shumacher's bat suits are obviously not on here because of their nipples (that's what he gets for molesting Corey Haim to death).

8. Fantastic Four (Fantastic Four)

(Why did Chris Evan's head have to be photoshopped on here? He wasn't even famous yet, where the hell was he?)

People love to hate on this movie; well, direction, script, acting and Dr. Doom's voice aside, these costumes looked great; one of the few instances where they actually looked better than in the comics. So don't hate on the costume designers, hate on everyone else.

7. Diabolik (Danger Diabolik)

(Danger Diabolik is watching you poop)

The very incarnation of complete bad-ass, Diabolik is quintessentially defiant to the platitude of Film Producers who insist that films need to add more pouches and seams onto every super character, lest they look comic-booky and destroy the reality of the film.

6. Sinestro (Green Lantern)

(I believe in a world where hugs AND drugs can coexist peacefully)

While Hal Jordan's costume often looked fake and cheesy when presented on planet Earth, Sinestro and his environment of Oa complimented each other and made them seem like the only real things in the movie. He also came off as more of a bad ass threat than in any of his previous visual incarnations (dig the scars man).

5. Nite Owl II (Watchmen)

(I dare you to not stare at my Tokyo robo-undies)

Probably the least faithful adaptation in the entire Watchmen wardrobe, Nite Owl's costume was flashy and regal, while Dave Gibbons had originally designed it to be bland and gaudy; underlying intentions and metaphors aside, the film's Nite Owl II looks like a shiny, golden, super-god, and that's pretty cool.

4. the Joker (Dark Knight)

(Zombie Heath Ledgar seen roaming downtown hollywood for brains/ pills)

Redefined a character that everyone thought they knew, made him dangerous and put new emphasis on the phrase, "psychotic, homicidal-maniac." The implication: that comic book characters could be intended for mature audiences, was revolutionary.

3. DareDevil (DareDevil)

(Daredevil: what happened when the shit met the fan)

Ben Affleck is a talentless void of charisma; but at least this suit covers most of that up. The eyes, the horns, the leather; they turned a guy in bright red spandex into something demonic. Aside from Colin Farrel, this costume is easily the best thing in this movie.

2. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: the Movie)

(You know I'm played by Corey Feldman, right? LOOK AT ME!!!)

For some reason they were never able to replicate the realism of the first film's outfits; much like RoboCop, the series took a major dip in quality and is mostly regarded as kiddie fluff with the exception of this one perfect movie.

1. Venom (Spider-Man 3)

(Conclusive evidence that Venom is in fact British)

Topher Grace was a terrible Eddie Brock, and this film isn't good by any means, but damn if Venom doesn't look completely horrifying and accurate. Many cite his inclusion in this film as the reason why the movie sucks, but being as it is, Venom is the only reason this movie warrants any re-watching. Even if Sam Raimi "never got him."

0. IRON MAN (IRON MAN 1 & 2)

(Iron Man knows what this city needs: MORE POT-HOLES)

Perfection. Nuff' Said!

Closing thoughts:
Why can't they get the Punisher even close to right? Spider-man's lame 3d costume webbing kept him off the list, as did Robo Cop's overall bulkiness. Also, Captain America's duds are passable but constantly teeter on the verge of hilarity.

Honorable Mention:

Power Rangers: the Movie

(Hey, at least they tried)

Also:

Robin (Batman & Robin)

(Disqualified for possessing rubber nipples)

Agree, Disagree, wanna' Troll? Please leave a comment below and let us know how you feel!

How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the X-Men Prequels.

2011-09-26T10:16:00.000-07:00

When X-Men First Class came out, I was thrilled to view a new entry into a franchise that I love. Although quality had dipped with the last two films (well, just about dropped off completely with XMO: Wolverine), I still enjoyed them and never expected them to be left out of the film canon. Thusly, I was quite surprised to find that these two films had been cast away; what's that you say? Both bald and hairy walking Xaviers? Emma Frost, again but older in a previous time period and better but still not accurate? It seemed there were a million inconsistencies nagging at me, because I like a good, epic story that travels over the course of many years (my favorite book ever is One Hundred Years of Solitude by Gabriel Garcia Marquez). I watch Star Wars from episodes 1 to 6, every time. I have a 2 year old son, and I'd like to think that when he is 5, I can show him these massive, winding epic fantasies that could go anywhere and still make perfect sense. It required a bit of stretching as this timeline inexplicably jaunts from 1963 to in, "The near future," but here is how I learned to stop worrying and survive the prequels. [It should be noted that I will not be filling in any gaps with direct comic know-it-all (like Saying Azazel is the son of the Devil and continuity shifted when his portal was disrupted so the timeline changed)].

In XMO: Wolverine, its been 6 years since Logan was in a black ops unit, and an unknown but seemingly brief amount of time since he battled for his brother's right to rape in the vietnam war (latest that could be: 1975), when he rescues a young Cyclops, Emma Frost, and Banshee (kid w/ red hair who was forced to wear a chastity belt over his mouth). A walking, cue ball-esque Xavier then transports the kids to his school via the Blackbird, or X-Jet, whatever they call it, and they fly away to what everyone obviously thought was going to be X-Men First Class, until everyone realized XMO: Wolverine was an abortion and tried to distance themselves from it as far as possible.

In the 1963 First Class universe, we had already seen an (at youngest 10 year old) Cyclops, and he's definitely not over 20 in Wolverine, so we have to assume that time in general is frakked in this universe. If the mutant X gene can make someone super smart (Beast), perhaps technology, fashion and cultured advanced more rapidly in this universe as well. But how could Professor X walk? He's beaming thoughts into Cyclops' head in this scene, and since he's supposed to be crippled at this point, we can only assume that the Professor is not actually there and is in fact telepathically beaming an image of himself to the refugee mutants (thats why his face is so poorly CG'd too, duhhh).

Why did Prof. X have to introduce himself to Cyclops (Scott Summers) if Havok (Alex Summers) was somehow related (in the comics their brothers with Scott as the older, but we can assume the age difference has been flipped) to him and had been a friend and Student of Prof. X? Well, Havok is kind of a dick, and he's been in solitary confinement since the start of First Class, so he might not have too much contact with his baby brother. As far as Banshee and Emma Frost go in this scene, their names are never actually revealed, so we can assume they're just relatives of the alternate First Class versions of themselves.

Why is Professor X bald? We can assume he's lost his vanity and shaved his head as Beast requested in First Class, because it makes Cerebro easier to use.
In X-Men 1, Prof. X says he was 17 when he first met Magneto, yet in X-Men First Class, Charles has just obtained his Doctorate and is definitely in his late 20's when he meets the future super-villain. However, there is a moment of recognition when Charles comes across Erik's presence in the ocean. Perhaps it was a presence Charles had come across before, maybe when he was 17? I mean, Magneto and Charles are the two most powerful (level 4, although Phoenix was a 5) mutants at this point in time, so you'd probably remember if you passed a really angry mutant on the street and read his thoughts about killing nazis with gold. Works for me.

But why in X1 does Charles tell Logan that the kids call the teachers X-Men, when really in First Class, its Moira McTaggert who came up with the name? Because Charles thinks its a stupid name and that superheroes are cheesy (hence the black ops look), but that still doesn't mean he didn't want Wolverine to think he was cool and join his super hero boy band.
But why does Charles say that Magneto helped him build Cerebro when we see in First Class that Hank built Cerebro?

Hank's was obviously a prototype, and Magneto could've helped build the newer Cerebro during the time of First Class, or, later, as he and Charles didn't leave that story as mortal enemies or anything but as two friends with drastically opposed belief systems. He could've even built it as a favor since, you know, he crippled his best friend and all.
How come Mystique doesn't acknowledge Charles more, since they used to be BFF's? They've grown apart and battled numerous times since then; at the very least, she doesn't kill him when she poisons Cerebro, so that could be read as a subtle gesture of good will. What about Victor Creed in Wolverine and Sabretooth in X1? Well, in each, neither is referred to as the other's name, so Sabretooth could be Victor's bastard child, but I prefer the logic that without Hugh Jackman's effeminate Logan in his life, Victor just let himself go wild, maybe got a little experimented on by Magneto or Striker in the process, and joined a Norweigan Hair Metal band.

Moving onto X2. Nightcrawler: Yep, soon after First Class, Azazel and Mystique got bored, humped each other, had a baby and gave it up for adoption; works for me. Beast (Dr. Hank McCoy) on TV, looking like a normal honky without blue skin? His beastly visage might get better or worse depending on biological factors; or, as a scientist, he never stopped looking for a cure and still has never found a permanent one (I'm not going down that whole holographic projection bit from the comics, I prefer to only have one shape shifter in this universe, especially when something like that would come in so handy on every single mission). Oh, and why has Beast's blue look changed? He's evolving, dummy!

Reverend Striker having a goatee in Logan's dream? It was only a dream (maybe with some pre emptive intuition of whats to come, if you buy that sort of thing). Also, Striker's Dad was in First Class for no reason? Yeah, ok, its lame, but whatever, government runs in the family I guess, evil Kennedy prototypes, gotcha'.

And now we find ourselves at X3, which I do not hate at all, as I find that even in areas where its lacking, there's still enough depth from the two previous films to carry the gravitas of the finale. So we start off with a Walking, bald Prof. X. We hear his footsteps, he needs to open car doors to get out of them, so I'll surmise that this isn't a telepathic projection as I did with the end sequence in Wolverine. Here I'll go with some inspiration from Grant Morrison's run on New X-Men, and say that Magneto is fusing metal into Xavier's spine to keep him upright, just to grant an old friend the opportunity to walk again, if only for a few moments. They don't even have to be on great terms during this. Magneto pledge's no allegiance to Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters in this scene, but is obviously aware of the massive benefits of having Charles help a mutant evolve further both academically and physically. When they bid adieu, Charles goes back to the wheelchair and that's that.

Oh, and can we just make it official that Xavier and Magneto were fucking each other during First Class? Its definitely implied, and the story does need at least one legendary romance. Come on, don't be a prude, its just better that way! All in all, if you're a sane and rational human being, these minor inconsistencies probably don't bother you. But, on the off chance that you're an anal retentive, slightly obsessive compulsive uber-geek like me, I offer you here the slightest shred of peace to your mind. And no, I'm sorry, I don't know how to make X-Men Origins: Wolverine not suck. But I still enjoy it anyway.

Excelsior!

10 REASONS WHY PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING IS THE HIGHEST FORM OF ART.

2011-09-21T22:31:00.000-07:00

For those that aren't familiar with it, Professional wrestling (or more specifically Sports Entertainment, as branded by the WWE) is akin to improvised, sadomasochistic ballet. The WWE is one of the most successful entertainment corporations in the world, with some of the longest running, highest rated television shows. Somehow in spite of this, the WWE, and the "sport" as a whole, are mostly referenced derisively as the lowest common denominator in popular media. Despite the intensive years of practice and self sacrifice, Sports Entertainers are often looked at as a cheesy, scantily clad alternative to Nascar Drivers. In truth "Rasslin'" is not only equal to the "higher arts" of poetry, theater, dance, song and visual constructs; it is an amalgamation, taking those concepts and twisting them into something miraculously awkward and stunning, who's true fans remain un-jaded by pretentious status quo and never miss a show. Here are the top 10 reasons why Professional Wrestling is the highest form of art:

People get paralyzed and sometimes die for this art OFTEN.

Nuff’ said.

2. Gloriously Self-Indulgent and Bizarre.

Vincent Kennedy McMahon is a weird motherfucker, and at the end of the day he’s only out to please himself, which ultimately makes for a unique and sometime off-putting but often enjoyable viewing experience. The week of Linda Mcmahon’s Senate election, Vince ran around with her campaign slogan taped to his naked ass. Mae Young gave birth to a slimy hand on live TV. That's just the tip of the inexplicable.

3. Freedom of Speech and Live TV.

It literally amazes me that children run around screaming “Suck it!” all day. Stone Cold Steve Austin made the middle finger a more common gesture than the peace sign. CM Punk (who is currently the best thing they have going), speaks directly from his mind and often comes off effeminate, ego-centric and redundant, while still managing enough catchphrases and "pipe bombs" to make a great montage for next week’s build up to the PPV. WWE is a constantly shifting, beautiful mess.

4. Audience Participation.

I love it! They have instant feedback as to what works and what doesn’t. If someone really, really sucks and everybody says so, that person gets fired! Conversely: you can pick a hero and send them on their journey towards stardom. The crowd are your united brethren! Unless they’re not, and then you have...

5. Inter-Audience Feuds.

I “almost” get into a fight every time I go to a live event. Either some douche won’t put down his stupid sign that is blocking everybody’s view, or some neanderthal who thinks wrestling is real takes personal offense to my cheering for a "bad guy" (heel) and my insistence that their stolen victory was righteous and well deserved. You pick the wrestlers you love, you pick the wrestlers you hate, and then you talk shit to anybody with opposing beliefs; its much more cathartic and honest than any anonymous internet talkback.

6. Songs can’t get thrown off a 16 ft. steel cage, through an announce table and onto concrete. A ballerina has never been intentionally hit so hard a tooth shot out of his/ her nose.

Vincent Van Gogh didn’t lose his ear while painting, and he didn’t wait til’ the painting was done to notice.

7. Constant Controversial White Bread, Offensive, XenoPhobic, Honky Loving Subtext.

WWE will aways hold the shock factor card because it continues to evolve within new models of discrimination (i.e. this shit’s racist). Take for instance The Awesome Truth: the Caucasian "Miz" struts around in posh, pressed suits, while his tag team partner "R-Truth" wears the same bullet proof vest with shitty New Jersey Boardwalk airbrushing every week. Miz speaks eloquently with poise; R-Truth hallucinates and babbles with no coherent train of thought. Reverend Slick ate fried chicken while he rapped about being a “Jive Soul Bro.” Kaientai modeled their speech and mouth movements to old Godzilla movies and attempted to cut off a white man’s penis because he had sex with an Asian chick. Alberto Del Rio and Jinder Mahal are heels because they are foreign and rich. George "the Animal" Steel was so mentally disabled he would eat the ring posts. "Eugene" also had a more severe neurological handicap that required him to ride his opponents around like horsies. Cryme Time. Latino Heat. Its incredible that the stereotypes that held past generations down in the depths of despair are completely tolerated in this capacity. As shocking and ignorant as it is, its a breath of fresh air when drowning in a constant toilet of political correctness. I’m sorry, I know, I’m an asshole. I like to feel a range of both positive and negative emotions while being hypnotized by my boob tube. Which leads me too...

8. Its Sexist.

My wife hates it. Almost all of the women have fake breasts, and are only granted less than four minutes each week for a full match, where they are primarily encouraged to contort into jack off positions. Just like women have their Sex and the Cities and My So Called Lives, Men have rasslin’. Not to say that women can’t enjoy it, its again just nice to have something so overtly manly. Which also leads me too...

9. It Allows Whatever Gayness Lingers in My Subconscious to Feed on its Overt Homo-eroticism.

Goldust was trying to push his bisexuality on us (as was the lesser Rico), thus he was evil. Yet these men were less scantily clad, toned, oiled up, and beautiful then the men grinding on them and kicking their asses for being fags. I’m not gay, I’m just saying that maybe having an excuse to stare at men’s asses and abs in an implied totally heterosexual way keeps me from actually going out and getting gay.

10. Daniel Bryan.

See: any of his matches. See also: Brian Danielson.