This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
As an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

-Rumi

Like many of you, my husband and I set up our Christmas decorations this weekend. Well, I should clarify; I demanded and orchestrated an elaborate (if an apartment can be elaborate) Christmas decorating time.  I had strong opinions about everything, down to the size of the tree, the color of lights, and the placement of our hanging snowflakes. This did not become apparent to me until my husband, after hours of my madness, mentioned that he had been sorely misrepresented and under-acknowledged.

But I NEEDED this Christmas to be good. I NEEDED our Christmas to be different, to be ours, alive, predictable and clean. In my seeking this out with ferocity and tenacity, I had dampened what was happening, numbed out what was really underneath the surface.

I didn’t know until I sat down to assess what was really happening that I had a considerable amount of pain underneath the surface. Heartbroken actually. I had been holding, for weeks, a terrible gnawing at my heart but I hadn’t quite been able to put my finger on it. And so, like a good Irish-German girl does, I just kept going. I would try to tap into it when I had the space, but nothing would ever came until the fullness of the Christmas season arrived over the weekend.

Sometimes grief works like this. You can tell something’s there, or that something is missing , but it takes a ton of happy people, beautiful surroundings, feelings of joy to hit you and then BOOM…grief.

And within minutes of acknowledging what is really inside, “There you are, I see you”. I say through my wet eyes and warm face.

Perhaps grief will visit you too this Christmas.  Maybe your grief has already arrived.  Maybe just spending a little time checking into your inner world reveals that hint of heartache of what you’ve lost, what you don’t have yet, or that uncomfortable mixture of joy and sorrow.

For me, I was trying to avoid familiar feelings of loneliness, confusion, and unpredictability by creating my perfect holiday décor. In my attempt to make it through Christmas without more pain, I forgot to honor what losses still needed my attention and my holding. I needed to remember and spend time with the pain of not having my brother here anymore. I needed to acknowledge that everyone who loved him is still feeling the absence of him almost 12 years later. He was that cool, beautiful and free! I need to hold the fact that my family has been through a lot and we are not put back together yet and may never be. I needed to acknowledge that things like family dynamics and unresolved relationship injuries are also losses, and quite painful in fact. Regardless, I needed to acknowledge the losses and sense into all of those people who know pain and are making it through it.

Sometimes we have to let ourselves grieve another layer, even if the losses took place a long time ago. So let that happen. These are tender areas of your life that need to be held tenderly and not bulldozed through. It may seem counter-productive to feel it during a “joyous” season, but times like this can open us up to deeper healing and acknowledgment.

Light a candle for these losses , sing to them, send hugs to them, hold them, support the feelings with your hands on your heart, rock them gently, dance with them, pray for them, write to them, breathe, cry, feel them while your house (or apartment) is full of Christmas lights, smells and sounds, and speak to them from your heart.

While I have been blessed with an incredible partner, lover and friend in my husband, our marriage and our life together has not always looked like the rosy, continuously uphill growth curve I envisioned at twenty-five when I spoke my vows. Even though I later learned that it’s normal to have “seasons” in marriage–times where growth is more apparent and you feel more connected, and other times where you feel out of sync or like connection is especially difficult (and I wish someone had helped me to have more realistic expectations of marriage! (See: premarital counseling), I still struggled with disappointment when things got hard. I felt frustrated when our relationship felt slow to change, stuck, or even (I imagined) stagnant, and I worried that the difficult season would never end, that we would never be able to make peace with our differences.

Those differences became apparent early on. My husband and I pretty quickly learned that our family cultures were very different and that we had learned different ways of handling conflict. Coming from a German family that highly valued truth and clear thinking, I was taught to speak my mind and to express myself confidently in words. The upside of that is that I feel free to share my ideas and opinions and that I am not afraid of conflict. The downside of that is that I feel free to share my ideas and opinions and that there was a lot of conflict (Read: constant arguing) in my family.

Josh, on the other hand, is from a Mexican family that highly valued harmony and togetherness. He learned to make friends quickly and to get along with almost everyone. The upside of that is that he keeps the peace and is a joyful, sensitive soul who is easy and fun to be around. The downside of that is that he keeps the peace (Read: avoids conflict) and that he grew up feeling uncomfortable with dissenting opinions, sometimes taking them personally.

You can imagine how this seemingly small area of our marriage–different styles of handling conflict–has had profound repercussions on our life together. In the disappointment of my unmet expectations, there have been times when I allowed the ripple effect from that fundamental difference to carry me out to sea, emotionally far away from my husband. In the midst of an essentially good and healthy relationship, I have at times lost all perspective and felt lost and unmoored.

But there is hope, friends, there is hope. What has been helpful for me was finding resources that gave me a new perspective, committing to a group of friends who have challenged me to look more deeply at my own relational patterns, and seeing a spiritual director who has helped me to find more grace for both my husband and myself.

I have recognized that many of us allocate far more time, attention and resources to maintaining our cars than we do to our most intimate relationships. We take our cars in for services and oil changes every 3,000 (cough, 5,000) miles, but we rarely make time to do the sort of relational “tune ups” that help our relationships stay strong, healthy and satisfying for the long haul. So I thought it was time to remedy this problem and to share some of what I’ve learned in my own relationship and in my professional work counseling couples with you–I created a three part series of date night “tune ups” for couples in August called Summer Lovin’ where couples can take time to connect more deeply and to learn tools for communication and understanding. Each week has a different theme and you can attend one, two or all three nights. I hope to see you there!

Week 1–Fanning the Flames of Love: Nurturing positive loving feelings toward your partner
Week 2–Finding our Song and Singing in Harmony: Engaging and connecting in sensitive moments
Week 3–Making Up and Making Out: Learning about relational repair and restoration

Summer Lovin’ series will take place Wednesday nights, August 5, 12 and 19.

Being a 150% kind of person has its blessings and its curses. You are extremely reliable, hard-working and you usually feel wonderful when someone asks you to do things like be second in command or be upfront on the biggest holiday in the church calendar. Of course I felt wonderful…for like 5 minutes. Don’t get me wrong, I love being involved, in serving and being transformed by the process, but I don’t believe I should say yes every time.
I thought I’d finally discovered what it meant to choose my health over the happiness of others. I thought I was done with trying to resolve my own inadequacies and perfectionism by being everyone’s go-to person, but the ridiculous stomachache and fever that also showed up that weekend, begged to differ.  Clearly it’s still an issue.  I made myself sick and exhausted, and now my tank is empty for the people who are closest to me.

I have always been a yes person, to everyone but myself.  I have spent countless hours (…years) pursuing approval & the satisfaction of others because that’s what felt good. I learned very quickly to avoid the discomfort & potential of rejection that came with saying “no” by becoming good at a lot of things. All of that “yes”-ing gave me a sense of control over others and my well-being. Someone needed a swim coach, check, a yoga instructor, check, a team captain, check, a dependable friend, check, a new perspective, check….and the list goes on.

I have learned and am still re-learning that pursuing success & flattery, heroism & achievement, can really bite you in the ass.   A frantic rhythm of life causes us to lose access to our truest self.  We get stuck overriding ourselves, living in hyper-drive and can’t imagine life without it.  When we try to slow down, we feel tremendous shame and guilt.  Trying so hard to please everyone and feel significant that we lose sight of the essence of who we are.  We lose the ability to live fully alive.

Slowing things down, resting, re-assess our surroundings, is incredibly uncomfortable. But we desperately need it.  We need to lean into what our deepest and most truest self is saying and begin to tolerate that ick that comes with saying, “I can’t”.

I have been trying to lean into that uncomfortable rest state for a long time now and it is getting easier.  I actually am beginning to feel more alive when I go there. I often feel relief now, like I have more space and energy to be fully present for the things & people that matter.

Fear keeps us on the go, holds us back and keeps us from acknowledging our innermost, truest self but it doesn’t actually take us anywhere.

We need rest.   We need to put the breaks on once in a while.  In rest, we say yes to our deeper self, yes to finally nurturing the parts of us that have gone un-nurtured, yes to being fully present, fully alive, right here, right now.

I’m practicing everyday, trying and sometimes failing, but I’m making progress.

If you need the opportunity to slow down a bit and practice taking care of yourself, come to the workshop “Just Breathe” happening this Saturday!

Find out more & register…

If you are happily in love and looking forward to the day, good for you!  Enjoy! Celebrate!  But if this weekend you are feeling a little fragile and disappointed, know that you are not alone.  And if you are torturing yourself, saying horrid things to yourself,  (“What’s wrong with me”,  “I will never find someone”), let me attempt to rescue you with this:  Here are some things I wish the grown ups had told me when I was in my twenties and desperately looking for my person.

Myths about love and romance:

1. “When you meet the right person, you will just know”.

While it’s true that many people report just “knowing” the first time they met the person they married, it’s also true that about half of those people already are or soon will be, divorced.  This is the thing nobody wants to talk about.  Though exciting, this compelling feeling is not a reliable predictor of a successful relationship.  It’s just chemistry, based on hormones, fermones, wishes, dreams and pixie dust.  Chemistry is fun and thrilling ,which is not a bad thing,  It’s just not a great foundation for making life-altering decisions.  If you have chemistry with a guy who’s a jackass to his mom, he’ll soon be a jackass to you.  If you have chemistry with a girl who’s constantly critical of her friends, pretty soon that’s coming your way too.

Take your time getting to know this exciting person.  Give yourself a year or two before you decide if this is your person.  Enjoy the hormones yes, but pay attention.  Observe their behavior.  What does it tell you about their character, their values? What do you think about that?  Is this the person you want to parent your babies, face financial stress with, walk through illness with?  Words are great but behavior tells you the truth.  They are showing you who they are.  BELIEVE THEM!

2. Real love is easy.

While some of us are not discerning enough, others of us are too quick to call it quits.   We get scared when there’s conflict and we run.  While leaving a relationship that’s fraught with fighting and tension might be exactly what you ought to do, it’s important to accept that any significant relationship is going to include conflict.  There will be plenty of times when we annoy, frustrate, or unintentionally hurt each other.  There will also be times when things are so bad that we intentionally hurt each other.  This is bad news but it’s the truth about us.   While we are capable of deep and sacrificial love, we are also regularly self-centered, self-absorbed, self-protective.  That means that if we stay in relationship with someone for more than a month or two, there will probably be some trouble.  Being a couple means finding ways to keep moving toward each other even on bad days.

3. Life begins when you marry.

Some of us are on hold, waiting for someone to make our life feel meaningful.   This is a waste of your potential and giftedness.  Rather than spending  too much energy on looking for your person, focus on your own growth and development.  A remarkable guy/girl is not looking for someone who is sitting around doing nothing.  They want someone who knows who they are, knows what they feel passionate about, knows where they are want out of life.   Figure those things out.

Be the kind of person you want to attract.  Don’t waste your time with partners who are not your equal. Please! Please stop dating down just because it’s better than nothing.  This again is a waste of your time.  It slows you down, even damages your development.  And it makes you unavailable for someone who is worthy of you.   Better to find ways to take care of yourself when you are lonely than dumb yourself down to be with someone who isn’t a match for you.  Getting married isn’t the beginning of your life, it’s something wonderful that occurs while you are living your life.

When I actually stop to think (or stop, lay & think about it), I am reminded that my life isn’t about the list, or the laundry, the emails waiting for my reply or the messy house. Life is about being alive and connecting to myself and others. When connecting is scary, I try to find something else to do other than feeling and dealing. I make lists of to-dos, make sure I have everything right, and run from my feelings. That only works for so long. Eventually, I’m paralyzed by what I’ve been trying to avoid.

I know this because I’ve powered through many days without giving a shit about how I am doing, while caring a great deal about what’s best for others. When I’m doing this, my inner world becomes a mess – anxiety, headaches, breathlessness and TONS OF TENSION. Trying to live in disconnect is no fairytale. I avoid one kind of pain while creating another.

So I’ve started to respect my body’s messages, because I can’t reason my way out of tired feet and heavy heart forever. I have to believe that I am laying down for a reason and that it’s for my own good. I don’t know the reason yet, but I give it a whirl. I am beginning to put some faith in my body. It does what it’s doing because it knows what I need in order to find healing and deeper rest.

Laying here I am reminded that I am having a hard time accepting that I have limits. I am having a hard time accepting that I have some feelings that require attention & acknowledgement. So I go through them, not around them.

Presently, I am struggling through big feelings about the anniversary of my brother’s death and worries about some relationship struggles taking place around me. I am feeling powerless over these things. And I hate feeling powerless.

I know that my big feelings need to be felt. Like a cut on the arm that heals if we keep it clean, give it attention and apply good things to it, I need to let myself heal. I might let myself cry or ask for hugs, or punch a pillow, or spend a few days protecting my time because I know I’m a little bit more sensitive than normal. Sharing my feelings and sensations with safe people who listen well and don’t try to fix me, like my husband, close friends or family, will lighten my load.

For now, I must lie down for a period of time, honor my feelings and the process that helps me be truly alive. I remind myself that I am not stuck here, that I will not be sad forever and that I will at some point get up to tackle my list, but right now I need this, because my body knows best.

What I’m really going to do is wear more sparkles. I know, I should probably choose something more significant like read War and Peace or learn to play the violin, but sparkles make me happy. And they make other people happy too. I mean, how can you not smile when you see someone in a sparkly skirt in the middle of the day on a Wednesday. It just makes you feel good, like there’s a party waiting for you right around the corner. Who can’t use more of that? And a little shot of joy helps fortify you for the really hard stuff you have to do every day. Like being nice to your spouse when they are being a butt, or NOT selling your children to the gypsies when they won’t go to bed, and forcing yourself to think before you speak even though so-and-so deserves an earful. Or getting out the door when you’d rather lock yourself in the bathroom. Or feeding your body real food when you’d rather eat cheetos. . . . You get my drift. So much to work on ALL THE TIME!

Life is hard. Do something just for you. Wear sparkles.

We were talking about this at the office the other day and Lisa (Kemble) wondered if she, in her late 30’s, is too old for sparkles . I said, that’s ridiculous, you are never too old for sparkles. Eighty year old women look amazing in sparkles!
So this is what we are doing. Prepare your heart. Expect sparkles at the Soul Care House.

But this is how they roll. This is what makes Christmas fun for them. Their goal is to pick a tree big enough to cause trouble. To make it hard to get into the living room, or to create a fire hazard because there are branches literally sticking into the fireplace. Selecting a tree is not about looking for fullness or symmetry, it’s about shock and awe.

Somehow this has become one of our traditions. Without my knowledge or consent, the boys have commandeered the tree picking. No girls allowed. Too much trouble, they say. So now the girls heat up cider, (these days fortified with whiskey since the kids are grown – Katie’s contribution), and pull out the Christmas socks for however many of us there are on tree day.

The truth is, they rescued us from what used to be a less than peaceful trip to the tree lot. While other families are holding hands and singing Kumbaya, we (mostly Ken and I) are fighting for power (“But that tree is ugly!”) and are inches away from an all-out brawl. So, clearly, even with the hose in the house and the damage to the ceiling, this is way more fun.

For us, creating a merry Christmas is partly about acknowledging and letting go of things that don’t work for us and trying something new in its place. Just because we did it when we were kids or because other families do it, doesn’t mean we have to. If it doesn’t serve us, if it doesn’t facilitate the making of happy memories, what’s the point? How many times have we ended up stressed or hurt and angry, trying to do something just because we thought we were supposed to. The value of traditions lies not in getting them done but in the memories they create, and the ways they bond us together. Letting go of one that doesn’t work creates space for something that does. But it will probably take some negotiating. Maybe this year you’d like to start that conversation with your loved ones. Invite them to share their desires for this holiday season and brainstorm together. What do we want to keep doing together? Are there some things we want to let go of? What new things would we like to try?

I hope your Christmas is mostly sweet this year. For sure some things will go wrong – someone will be grumpy, something important will be forgotten, perhaps the tree will catch fire (a good possibility at our house) but in the middle of all the imperfect, I hope you will have some lovely, tender, bonding moments with the people you love.

From all of us here at the Soul Care House, a very sincere wish for a very merry Christmas!

This fall’s Brave Board was a big success! We encouraged people to post the brave steps they’ve been making in their lives to share with the Soul Care community, and it’s been amazing to watch it fill up.

Some highlights:

• I’m following my heart’s desire to surf!
• I’m spending time with all my emotions (even the scary ones…anger! sadness)
• I can feel deep vulnerability without shame
• I am asking for and receiving help for the first time
• I am learning that following my passions does not make me selfish, it makes me brave

Our art journaling group, Learning to Live Out Loud, hosted by therapist Lisa Kemble, was also an amazing journey of taking risks and seeing people find their voices in new ways. A few of the participants were even brave enough to let Lisa photograph some of their artwork to share with you—I hope you find it as beautiful, moving and brave as we do.

Living Out Loud was such a hit that we’re going to offer the group again in January! Sign up here.

So, the next time you get the chance to be with someone you adore, someone who makes your life richer, perhaps you might tell them how awesome they are. Give them more of you and invite them to do the same. Tell them you love it when they let you in, when they show you their tender underbelly. That they are never more lovable to you than when they are being their truest selves.  And perhaps they will say the same to you. Because you, my friend, are not too crazy for the people that love you either.  You do you.

I thought about this recently when I read blog post by Shauna Neiquist (http://www.shaunaniequist.com/put-pride-board/). She shared that in her son’s class, his teacher had created a board on which she would post tests and papers that they could be proud of, as a way to affirm them and their hard work. It was called the Pride Board. I thought this was a lovely idea for kids but maybe we adults could use one too.

Most of the time we’re doing quite the opposite. It’s like somewhere inside of us we’ve installed a big ugly Shame Board, and are regularly covering it with sticky notes that say “You’re not doing enough, You’re not good enough; People only see you as an addict; No one respects you; You should work-out more, eat more kale, call your grandma more, . . . .” Every day, we add to our Shame Board, cutting ourselves down, reminding ourselves that we are not ok, buying into those messages that we’ve been carrying around for years, reinforcing those horrible voices.

So we decided to do something tangible as a community to counteract that. Something that would fly in the face of those lies.

We’ve created a Brave Board and set it up in our living room as a way for us fight against our Shame Board. And we are inviting our team, our clients, and anyone who wanders in to take a minute to acknowledge the hard, brave things they are doing to take care of themselves and their relationships. If you’re wondering if you have anything to offer to our Brave Board, let me help you out:

You are brave when you drag yourself to therapy or recovery.
You are brave when you say NO to something or someone that’s not healthy for you.
You are brave when you set boundaries.
You are brave when you confront someone in a grown-up way.
You are brave when you go to SA.
You are brave when you cry
You are brave when you let people in.
You are brave when you take a risk.
You are brave when you make healthy choices for yourself.
You are brave!

So next time you come to the Soul Care House, we invite you, before or after an appointment, to take some time, and create an anonymous post on our Brave Board. Share with our community a courageous step you are taking in your life. We want to celebrate with you! Let’s inspire each other and let’s be proud of the hard work we are doing! Come on, show us your brave!! Cue Sara Bareilles…again. (love her!)