The Soul Reporter

New Location

2011-07-28T23:46:00.000-07:00

The Soul Reporter

~Where Home & Soul Join

New Location. New Look. New Idea.

I will no longer be posting here. Check me out in my new location NOW & Subscribe

www.nikkisacredspace.com

A Soul Tune-Up is a Turn-Inward

2011-06-20T23:36:00.000-07:00

Today's Soul Report:

I posted I would do it, and I did. I had my Day of Nothing. See there- that's my foot, sporting my TOMS, serving my impulse to find a bench and just sit. No phone, computer, responsibilities, nothing (although obviously, I had a camera), just me, and it was fabulous. I only reached for my phone, that was sitting face down at home on my nightstand, twice. It was easy and effortless to be with nothing but me.

I took myself to lunch. I ordered chili and a pot of peppermint tea at Penelope's Cafe. The day was cloudy, just how I like them. A bit cool, but an outdoor fireplace blazed next to me. I listened to a mother and a son gossip about relatives who just left their home. I observed everyone had someone, and if they didn't they had a book. There was one man, an elderly gentleman, a regular who chatted with the owner who sat alone, like me with his bowl of chili. No book. No phone.

After my last sip of tea, I drove down the road to Descanso Gardens, where I spent the day. I traveled light. Prada pouch filled with just wallet and keys, and my camera. I had only been in the entrance of this beautiful place, and wondered if there would be a bench or two where I could sit. There were so many benches in just the right places, I could pick and choose, which one spoke to me. The first was a solitary chair. I had hoped one was near where I spotted the roof of a cottage. I've always wanted to live in a cottage.

The sun was peeking through the gray, and the air became muggy and warm. The chair was under no protection, and I soon left. Found a hummingbird unafraid of my standing so close.

There was a wedding party wandering with their agenda-induced photographers. I went wherever they weren't, finding myself not wanting to be surrounded with the traditions and bothering's of our society. More bothering's occurred- constructions sounds beyond the fence, which were soon drowned out by a small waterfall.

Children screamed. Groups of youth, laughing and talking loudly. I found a rhythm of sitting on benches and exploring the gardens. Of flexibility with noises and wondering...where is the quiet reverence...? Why must we make so much noise everywhere we go...?(small children excluded. I had a high-pitch screamer and despised the dirty looks).

Again, no one was alone- me, and then I spotted a couple more- elderly women. As if they visit often. Sun hats on. Walking shoes present. Silent. Reverent. Moving to a slow-paced and present rhythm. Like me, without the sun hat. Is it possible to move in this way even while I am 39? Must I wait for solitude and presence when I've aged enough to know it's the moment that matters?

My peace grew as I moved further from the road more traveled. I sat at this bench for a long while. Sat until truth was present.

I envy the squirrels. All of nature is theirs to wake up to everyday. They are one with it. My life seems so far removed from this way of life. These things---phones, televisions, the agenda of this ego-driven modern world. Responsibilities. But as much as it might seem this day was about what's not right- the noise and the bothering's of the world- the moment on the bench was more of an affirmation of what my soul needs. It needs nature. It longs for communion. Solitude. Space to return to the the slow-paced rhythm of my soul, which only appears slow against the back-drop of our fast-paced world.

We move like this because we forget who we are. We lose touch with our pace. We think we will succeed if we are fast-movers. Recall, the tortoise and the hare. The mystery- what we seek is in the moment, moments we often miss running to win like the hare. My oldest daughter turned 19 last week. My youngest turns 11tomorrow. I recall our little Lilli laying on our bed, newly born. The rest is a blur. I desire no more blurring. I desire clarity. Richness. Depth, and a pace which allows such pleasures.

My Day of Nothing was enough to remind me there is no bonus in stress. In force. In fast. NONE. I no longer need to be addicted to the chemicals it gives. Peace. Relaxation. Ease. This is my new fix.

Today's Soul Tip:

Nature runs through our veins. We are alive with it and it is alive with us. Spend as much time with it, and if nature doesn't make your soul sing and bring ease to your steps, offer yourself daily doses of what does bring you back to your natural rhythm. It will give you a much needed tune-up.

Namaste,

The Soul Reporter

Glimpses of Solitude

2011-06-20T16:39:00.000-07:00

The Wisdom Knock

2011-06-16T00:01:00.000-07:00

A Speaking Engagement:

On living consciously, knowing we ARE creators....

Take a listen:

Every 13 Years

2011-06-15T23:35:00.000-07:00

Today's Soul Report:

It seems to me, there is indeed a significant change, which happens around age 39. I heard a wise elder say, every 13 years. At 26, and there-around- I received an inheritance. I bought my first house. I got married. I opened a business. I bought a dog. I got pregnant. Life then was about living the dream of a child, my inner child who craved the secure arms of a family and a home.

My energy was used to organize, stabilize, and analyze what was going on inside, and outside of me. To try and maintain this life, and my emotions I used various methods of control- I wanted to figure it all out.' This way proved useful. I gave stability and an orderly home and flow to our family. And with my analytical brain power, I did figure out quite a bit about myself and the emotions I was feeling. So much so, the dream of the child lost its glow. I wanted more. It was time to grow.

Much has changed since I was 26. And here I go again, 13 years later. I am in a new territory, still trying to use the old map. But little by little, as my eyes open to this new territory, that map is shredding away. I sense the new space, and I am close enough to the old way to remember its characteristics. I can discern the old from the new.

When anxiety enters, I know I have picked up the old map. When I start to rush through a moment, any moment, I am grasping the old map. When I notice my body tightening and I am forcing a moment, a project- an outcome, the old map is covering my face as if a large gust of wind blew it there.

If we are actively involved in our evolution we will enter a new era. It may be at 39, as it is for me. This new era asks that I not force. That I not beg. That I not manipulate. Or condemn. Or control. Or resist. Or recommend. Or figure out. It asks I just let be- let be with an understanding of the connection to my deeper self. It asks I stop doing what's not working, what does not feel good, even if I think I should. Even if I have in the past. It asks for no more rigid rules and invites infinite flexibility instead.

This year, my year of 39, I've declared to be my "fittest year ever," or should I say fittest year yet. This declaration has been the juice, which fuels working out 6 days a week, lifting weights and working up a good sweat. For the first 2 months, it felt good, and then something changed. I was getting tired. I gained weight. My pants were, and are tight. Pants that fit months ago just fine. The only significant change I could see was a large trapezius muscle making me look like a big-necked, weight-lifting man. Oh, and my arms were not falling nicely to my sides. Ugh...

Through the month of not feeling good, and being displeased with the results, I kept at it. I pushed- If I just stick it out, this fat will turn to muscle and burn it off and those big, bulky muscles will define and lengthen. But, soon I wasn't willing to do what was not working. A recent quote I read, "If it's not happening now, it's not happening." How long am I going to keep waiting for something to happen? I suppose when we are younger, in our 20's and 30's we think we have a lot of time to keep waiting for something to happen, but at 39, approaching 40, time feels different. Death is no longer an idea that is out there somewhere, it is a truth, which is alive and real. It's coming.

If we want to transition through our "aging"process with less suffering, we must be willing to let go the mentality of our younger years of pushing and fighting, and "keeping the status quo" for hopes of a better something...

I have given up the push to be thin, to be fit, to prove something to myself and the world- that it is not too late for me. That I can make something of myself, even if I am a "late bloomer." I've nothing to prove. I don't want to spend the second half of my life this way. I don't want to prove my worth. I want to BE my worth. And I am, thanks to my father pointing out the subtle energies within. For more information, I suggest googling or reading up on this. For me, just this description of subtle energies was enough to soothe my aching muscles, gritted teeth and the worry frown upon my face.

Do things like yoga, tai chi, he said. I've done yoga, but it has been uncomfortable with my tummy and tight muscles- so I resisted, but today, rather spontaneously, instead of sweating on the elliptical and enlarging my trapezius, I went to yoga class. My spine stretched in cobra. My legs felt relief while they stretched upward. Downward dog was still a bear, but I trust the flexibility is there. I'm having an a-ha moment right now---I wanted to see my muscles, ultimately see and feel my strength. This is why I lifted weights. Am I going to still lift weight? Maybe, but differently- Strength is flexibility and fluidity, not balkiness and rigidity. Which do I want?

Isn't it interesting as I move to the flexible core of my soul, where these subtle energies are present, my body turns to meet me and moves toward yoga, tai chi- movement with fluidity and flexibility. A certain natural rhythm. I am okay with saying good-bye to the old map in this way and all of the other ways. It is no longer needed. I am new. More alive in body, mind and soul, but how can I know it, if I keep reading the old map? How can I let the weight, literally and figuratively, of the old slough off, if I keep picking up the old map? If I have a moment, where I pick it up, I know how it makes me feel when I do, and feeling stress and anxiety is not how I want to feel anymore. It's about being at ease. Relaxed, and yes even in this crazy, dynamic world we live in.

Today's Soul Tip:

What's not working for you? It's okay to let it go. You won't miss anything. You won't fail. The courage to let it go is a reward in itself. Letting go puts you in new territory. Listen to the subtle energies within you. Move through the energies that grab and seemingly betray you to the energy which supports you and sustains you. How---? Answer the question of what's not working, and ask with intention to be shown a new way, perhaps a more subtle way- then listen, and respond accordingly. As Joseph Campbell reminds, listen to your body and your soul. They know.

Namaste,

The Soul Reporter

Moving: A Meditation

2011-06-14T21:33:00.000-07:00

Today's Soul Report:

Moving seems to be my way, and all I thought I've wanted is to stay settled. Still. But it is not happening, and so I ask, is there a way to be still, while also in the movement of life? Is there a way not to get frantic and uneasy, anxious and unsettled in the midst of change and movement?

There is a prayer I often recite during my meditation. It is from Saint Teresa of Avila:

Let nothing disturb you

Let nothing frighten you

Everything is changing

God alone is changeless

Patience attains the goal

Those who have God lack nothing

God alone fills every need.

This prayer suggests there is a space inside, which is changeless. A place I may enter, which is through the debris of chaos and roar of change and anxiety. I've been working on moving there, as I also work on physically moving to a new home. Our move-in date is July 1st, and I've not packed one box. But today, I made some forward movement. While Lilli got ready for school, I took the magnets off the fridge, placed them on the dog kennel to later be put in a box. Tonight, I may pack those items and a few more. I'm moving- again into the unknown. I understand why I hesitate, and yet...

The unknown is becoming more familiar, if that's possible, especially since our move in August from Minnesota to California. This time we only move 10 miles away. Not far, but enough where I feel stability, once again knocking. Although I'm nervous of the financials. More money for rent, yet contentment surrounds this new space. But how can I really know for sure. The old way of being involved planning, plotting, figuring out. This new way is foreign to my mind, but not of my soul, my essence. This way of being, sat deep inside of me waiting my return. Watching while I lived the way I needed to, the way that was necessary for that time in my life- the way of the "plan."

Patience attains the goal...I've asked to move through the anxiety and turbulence, and bouts of depression to another space. I've lived here so long, my body is addicted to the adrenaline anxiety gives, and the illusion of peace and surrender depression offers. The way of control to ease the unease. I know this world. I've done this world for years. I allow myself to now move through this world to another. I caught a glimpse today, at Costco. Crowds. Noise. Chaos. Yet, inside me I was calm. Present. Observing. In the world. Not of it. Errands need to be ran. Food needs to be made. Rent is due. Bills call, as do children. But so does our soul- God alone fills every need. Find that space, that is your home.

The new location may provide the stability I've been seeking where both outer and inner worlds stabilize and harmonize. Little by little, as I continue to take down pictures and pack away boxes, I let go of the old map. I leave it here in this tiny yellow house. It's time for a new map. Or maybe as a friend suggested, we need no map at all. There already is one. A universal one, with the "God Stamp." It is made for us, as individual souls as we integrate to our cosmic whole.

Trust. Allow. Needing to figure out less and let movement flow, residing in the changeless place.

Today's Soul Tip:

Movement is happening quickly for many of us. Ground slipping. Can't hang on- and we aren't supposed to right now. We are suppose to let go. Follow the stream, not passively so, but consciously so. Awakened. Be renewed of these life-enriching waters.

Namaste,

The Soul Reporter

A Day of Nothing

2011-06-08T23:07:00.000-07:00

Today's Soul Report:

Today, at a museum, beyond large, glass doors was a scene urging me to sit and be still in it. A small pond dressed with lily pads. Soft grass. A bamboo lined path. I turned away and went about my day.

Maybe it is the memory of that scene's call, the uncomfortableness I feel inside, or a blog post I read of a woman sitting on a bench all day- with nothing but herself....whatever it is, I'm doing this. I'm not sure if I will pay the $10 to enter that scene and sit, or drive to the ocean, or sit on a bench in a park, but I will just sit for hours. No phone. No iPad- a deceive I'm loving for blogging, although not Blogger friendly. No magazines. No books. No journal. N O T H I N G

It will be interesting, for if insights come, I will want to write them down...what will I do. I don't know, but I know I need nothing. The day of nothing has yet to be scheduled, but it will be next week. My oldest is out of town. My youngest will still be in school. I'm sure to give you a report. Or maybe I won't. Who knows what a day of nothing could bring. Maybe nothing.

Today's Soul Tip:

The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.
He restoreth my soul...

Namaste,

The Soul Reporter

Flow

2011-06-07T23:22:00.000-07:00

moving from choppy to flow...into one integrated whole

My current life vibe has been uncomfortable, and continues to be. In its continuation, I'm learning to allow it. To not try and fix it and make it better. Honestly, I don't know what I'd be fixing anyway. Or how I'd make it better. I cannot even say what the issue is. With constant uncomfortability such as this, I would think I could pinpoint one issue and remedy it.

In a recent conversation with my dad he said, and I am sure this is not word-for-word, and only an interpretation- that we get overwhelmed thinking we have all of these individual burdens instead of understanding we hold one process, a process in which is ours and is within us to assist our soul growth and expansion. I'm inside this process, as I am always. In a way it is a comfort to know I hold in my soul everything I need to evolve deeper within myself.

Knowing this, I don't have to figure anything out. And this is becoming my new way of life. Today on my walk, I was in my head planning my moments. What I would do when I got home. How I would manage the next few days of what needs to be done. The mental activity brought my awareness outside of my limbs moving,the birds singing, and the trees breathing. I made this declaration- I do not want to feel the pressure of my to do list. Nothing is worth my peace, ease and Presence. Nothing. And I became present. I was still uncomfortable. I felt no bliss, but I gave myself up to what is present.

This IS the new way. This is becoming what matters to me- my presence everywhere and with everything. It's the purpose of the process I carry. Carrying me to the flow within my integrated whole.

Today's Soul Tip

How do you view your life? In boxes? Lines? Containers? Individual roles that do not compliment each other? Pay attention to the rhythm of one of your days. Does it feel choppy? Do you feel pulled in many different places? Do you view your issues as individual burdens you must solve?

So much presence can be had by understanding everything we need is contained within and there is no need to view anything separately. It is all happening to support us, to bring us toward the recognition of how together we actually are.

Namaste,
The Soul Reporter

Free to Release

2011-06-06T14:28:00.000-07:00

Today's Soul Report:

When I was three, I fell into a pool. My dad jumped in to get me. I am not sure if this is the experience, which made me fear water, but I always have. Growing up I had friends who thought it was funny to push me in or try and push me under. I literally panicked.

Yesterday, I had a new experience. I was in the water with my daughter, Lilli. My head had been full of pressure and my neck and back were tense. I wanted to relieve the pressure and the pain. I wanted to float. In the past, I would assume the floating position, but as soon as my ears were immersed and before I could completely let go I'd turn upright. This time I'd do none of that. On my back, in the water, ears immersed hearing only the muffled noises from above, I completely let go. The more I let go, the more light my body became.

Floating then became addicting. I kept wanting to do it, and I did. Each time I let go even more. "Isn't water magical," I said to my husband. "It is so heavy, but fluid and light. It is supportive." "And patient," he added. I could not help smiling. I felt so good. I felt like I could begin to form a healthy relationship with water. Play with it. Learn to trust it. And of course, as I always have, continue to respect it. But fear it less. Lilli helped with this. She kept begging to give me a piggy- back ride and to pull me around. She showed me how to do a handstand. I did not get my feet in the air, but after much resistance I did let her give me a ride on her back. I turned my fear into laughs and giggles.

Yesterday's experience in the water is reflective of my current experience out of the water. I am giving birth to a new aspect of myself, and I am being prompted to let go and trust while I do. This new self brings new ways of being. She is more playful. Less fearful. She trusts more and asks less. She gives herself the experience of floating in the sea of enternity and releases the compulsion to figure it all out. She lets down the heavy burdens she has carried for so long and is aware when she goes to pick them up again. Her worry frown melts into a contended smile.

If someone would have told me how difficult it would be to let go my old ways, to release the old way of thinking and being, and allow all her gifts, I would not have agreed. I called the self I am birthing. Why would I resist her? We are more deeply embedded and invested in our ways than we think and we are more loved and supported than we trust. It is our birthright to remember this love. I got a glimpse in the pool yesterday.

Today's Soul Tip:

Joseph Campbell says the point in which we end one phase and begin another is a place of great pain and turmoil. Birth is painful, as those of us who have had babies know. Joseph Campbell also says our first emotion we feel when we are born is fear. Here we are safe in the womb, and than a force thrusts us through a tiny tunnel into a great bright light. Faces. Cold. Vulnerable. Dependent. As my dad says, death is probably the easier transition. Yet, our births, which I believe we have several in this life alone, is the opportunity to expand into greater awareness and each time we do it becomes a little easier to let go because we trust the source from which we came that loves and supports us.

Go to a source of water this week and float. Completely let go and see where in your mind and body there is resistance. Keep floating until you are able to let go everywhere. See how you can bring this experience into your everyday.

Namaste,

The Soul Reporter

No Regrets

2011-06-05T01:59:00.000-07:00

Today's Soul Report:

In the last 8 years we've moved a lot. From all of these homes, there is one I've missed most. And we gave it up for this:

Land in Maui. It was our dream. We didn't make it there and haven't felt settled since we almost moved there. At dinner tonight my daughter shared a memory from the house we left. Usually, when I look back to this house, I feel sadness. Regret- why did we ever leave. But this time I didn't.

To regret and long to return to what was or could have been implies I must not like change. That I want everything, including myself to stay the same. I don't. Change is inherent in me. The desire to change, grow and expand thrusts me forward, and sometimes faster than I'm comfortable with. This desire is a force that made me leave the house in the cul-de-sac where I could have been comfortable for many years. It made me pack up a pod and have it meet us at the tiny yellow house we live in, in California.

A snake slithers through this world and sheds its skin. I, we do the same. Recently, I saw a rattle snake in the canyon. Yes, I screamed at first, but then I could not help but to be in awe of the way it moved through the tall grasses. It was grace, and ease in motion. Nature, and everything in it knows the rhythms. Trusts the cycles- the shedding, which brings new life. And we are a part of this rhythm. We can open to it with grace and ease, or not.

Today's Soul Tip:

Is your desire to grow and expand deeper into yourself? If it is, then trust everything. If you long for the past, understand you could not stay there. And now, you cannot recreate it no matter how uncomfortable you may be or how much you long for 'the way it was.' Every moment is new. Every second we shed and awaken to new life. Let's not hold on with regret and longing. Let us let go with what is inherent in us. To expand and to grow.

Namaste,

The Soul Reporter

Sacred Moments

2011-06-04T02:16:00.001-07:00

Today's Soul Report:

In my life I've had several sacred moments. One I recall in Northern Minnesota. In a small cabin with my young daughter. My mom and her boyfriend in another. I went for a walk. The air was cool. The sky gray and misty. Walking down the dirt road, surrounded by trees I created haikus of what I saw and was amazed at how easy they came.

I find, in this time of yet another transition, where the mind wants to stay in fear and worry, to remember the sacred moments I have experienced, is welcoming. Tonight I create another. Like a string on a loom. In my room. The door is closed. The light is off, and a candle flickers. Classical music streams.

To be in the moment, click here:

Today's Soul Tip:

Recall your sacred moments. Times of peace. No worries. Door closed. Or perhaps wide open. Create another moment for yourself....weave the thread of these sacred times and watch them blend into something good.

Namaste,

The Soul Reporter

Support

2011-06-02T21:05:00.000-07:00

Today's Soul Report:

A wonderful reader of The Soul Reporter, made me a bookmark:

www.anadote.com

Thanks, Anna

Receiving words of someone else about what I do here at The Soul Reporter gave me the echo I longed for. Someone is reading. Someone hears me. Someone can write about my work here so I don't have to~ and this helps me get the word out.

We all need support. In fact, we receive support every second. Nothing we do is done alone, although we often think that it is. We often tell ourselves, I'll do it alone, instead of asking for help. I used to be one of these people. Today, on my walk through the canyon, I brought my hiking stick. Although I usually keep it in the trunk. When I use it, my walk is lighter. Easier. Beside me is an aluminum stick supporting me. Why keep it in the trunk of my car, as I suffer alone.

In my life right now, there is a lot of pressure. And I don't mean this in the way it is often understood- poor me, I've got so much on my plate. The pressure I feel is actually new life. Major shifts. Pieces coming together. Work that is ready to be done and due. It is like giving birth. I am in the final stages of labor. It's time to push, and for me and my two births, the pushing was the hardest, the longest and the most intense.

When I gave birth I had support. The first time, at age 20 I had lots of it. My father was at my right side, using his coaching skills- C'mon Nik Push. My husband was at the other side of me, probably holding his tongue so I didn't yell at him, and all around me in a circle were his parents, my mom and of course a couple nurses and a doctor. I stood up. I squatted. I laid down. I got a huge needle stuck in me that made me numb. The vacuum/suction thing was used, which made an awful sound. Hours went by, and finally out came a healthy 8 lb 8 oz baby girl. It was June 18. My second child was born June 21. I give birth in June, and I understand the pressure I feel now is more birthing- but this time to new life- in the form of many ideas, ideas I have held for many years. Offering this bookmark is one of those ideas. As a reader and subscriber to this blog, purchasing this bookmark is another way to give your support, and in exchange you receive a gift.

If you are interested in purchasing The Soul Reporter Bookmark, you can send me an email at nikki@nikkisacredspace.com or you can click on this link and instantly be taken to paypal.

I thank you for your support.

Today's Soul Tip:

In the process of birthing, I reach for my tools. The support of family and friends. Breath. Trees. God, and all that That means. How can you be supported today?

Namaste,

The Soul Reporter

The Soul's Rhythm.

2011-06-02T00:33:00.000-07:00

The world is too much with us; late and soon,
Getting and spending, we lay waste our powers;
Little we see in Nature that is ours;
We have given our hearts away, a sordid boon!
This Sea that bares her bosom to the moon,
The winds that will be howling at all hours,
And are up-gathered now like sleeping flowers,
For this, for everything, we are out of tune;
It moves us not.--Great God! I'd rather be
A Pagan suckled in a creed outworn; (1)
So might I, standing on this pleasant lea, (2)
Have glimpses that would make me less forlorn;
Have sight of Proteus (3) rising from the sea;
Or hear old Triton (4) blow his wreathed horn. ~William Wordworth

Picture

Today's Soul Report:

As of late, the world IS too much with me. For instance, yesterday while in my car, I missed several exits. Time got away from me. Rush hour ensued. My gas tank on empty. Nearly late to pick up my daughter from school. I get anxious lately, a lot. Overwhelmed, like too much too soon. The world seems frantic. Crowded. Unstill. No rest. Beeping. Buzzing. Whirling. Crazy.

I sit at my desk, open intending for my Soul's voice to lead the way. This worked for a few minutes today, and then I got caught up. Day was nearly done and I can't say what I did. It's like I get sucked into some kind of voiceless vortex- no warning. Nothing. Just pulled in. I freak out. What have I accomplished? How have I seen another day go by?

I have a quote I taped on my agate bookend, from Cicero: The pursuit, even of the best things ought to be calm and tranquil. I want to be reminded of this now more than ever. I see the "error" in my ways. Why it seems I do not get enough done, and enter that nameless, voiceless vortex. My motivation is to get things done. This above all is what I value. Since many of the ideas I have inside my soul seem like they might take a long, long time to finish, I go to the tasks and ideas I can easily finish. The dishes, a blog post, whatever other minuscule task on my to-do-list. I can spend many hours doing this, and I have. But the "big" tasks never get done. The ones that need my calm and tranquil presence. The anxiety this causes is great, and getting greater.

The solution, as Wayne Dyer would say, is spiritual. I choose today, to shift from the anxious, fear based obsession of closure and completion to the calm and tranquil pursuit of the soul's way. Someone recently said to me, there is no urgency, hun. She's right, there isn't. The world seems to be in quite a hurry these days, and I would guess we are all feeling it. As though we are literally losing our lives and our footing- quickly. I believe it to be what William Wordsworth was saying over 200 years ago~ we are out of tune.

Today's Soul Tip:

The soul knows. It's in rhythm. What's going on in the world is too much with us, and at our soul level we know this. It's creating anxiety. Depression. Craziness. Chaos. Confusion. It's not enough to say slow down- for a minute we might- but then in a flash we are back on the high-speed treadmill. It's time to return to the Soul's nature; her rhythm, and see what we are missing. I watched a movie the other night, and I noticed how little time was taken to fully develop the story and characters. It was like one big scattered display of shallow clips. Let's just get this movie out with these A-listers and make our opening weekend money. Movies, books, my blog posts, our lives, our children, our world- everything and everyone is paying the price for this out of tune and out of touch society.

How to return to your Soul? The way in which you return will be yours- this way the way back will stick. Begin by asking- Soul, how do I return to you? And affirm~ Soul, I want to turn to you, especially when I feel frantic and uneasy. I trust your rhythm, and I know you are in tune---lead the way.

Namaste,

The Soul Reporter

Crowded with Ambitions

2011-05-27T00:36:00.000-07:00

Tonight's Report: Letting go the life I think I should live for the life I am meant for

Unbeknownst to me, my soul has been crowded with ambitions, and I am not sure how I feel about the word, "ambition." In the movie, Gandhi, the character, Vince Walker says to Gandhi, "You are an ambitious man," to which Gandhi replied, "I hope not."

In life, I've been aware of two purposes which I own and feel good at- Mother and Soul Investigator/Worker, living by the phrase, "know thyself" as best I can. But somehow between dropping one daughter off at kindergarten and the present time where she is now an adult, I've messed myself up with thinking those two things aren't enough- and I must do something greater. Bigger. Grander. Why not be a writer...? Change people's lives with words, the medium I choose to express most things. I've had grand book ideas to support my idea of "writer." You should see my document section on my computer. Essays. Blog posts. Children book ideas. Memoirs. Spiritual guidebooks. And if this weren't enough- screenplays. T-shirt ideas. One amazing idea after another- none brought to life. And add to this, living off a savings that is dwindling, watching my husband stress at work, while I try to make money off of one of my ambitious ideas. It's not working...

Imagine if Ralph Lauren never made his first tie, which began his empire and all the ideas which occurred because of that tie. Or if Luciano Pavarotti didn't sing Ave Maria and all the other beautiful songs. What would have become of their souls? Their psyches? Their lives if they kept all of that inside? I think I have a bit of an idea. I've been writing a blog called, The Constipated Writer. Cute, huh? Creative, right? Well, it is one idea I actually did birth and it served it's purpose, but tonight, I bid it farewell (if you'd like to read my farewell post, please do)

How affirming is it to a creative flow, to keep calling myself The Constipated Writer? Although, at the end of each post I did offer a dose of fiber....But even with my daily fiber, I'm still backed up- to the point of toxicity, which means drastic measures are needed.

The crisis point may be the entry point

I'm not quite sure yet, why I'm plagued in this way. Why I've created a crisis, which I'm in the middle of right now. Why I'm backed up with all of my creative ambitions and seem not to be equipped with what Ralph Lauren has, and manifest an idea, sell it and create an empire. What misery to have such potential, but feel stuck in glue when it comes to taking the idea to the next place. And yes, I am perfectly aware of how whiney and victim-y I'm being. I know taking full responsibility for our lives changes our lives. In many spaces in my life, I have and those spaces have neutralized and been revitalized, but for some very insane reason, so it seems, I am maintaining my victim stance when it comes to my "calling." My "work." My "passion." My "talent."

Or am I? Is it possible my calling is already realized. Maybe I am already living it just because I am breathing. Here is what I love most about myself and I realized it today as I wrote my Morning Pages. I adhere, no matter what I must give up, to the wisdom of my soul. First and foremost I respond to the calling of my soul. I care most about what needs to be learned, transformed, sacrificed for the benefit of my soul growth. I truly dig that for myself. And next to this, I dig my commitment to my children. That I am able to see them as individual souls and not put my agenda upon them so I can guide in a neutral and grounded way.

So I have decided I am putting away my personal ambitions, if that is what they are and I am going to adhere to one of my true callings and give my oldest daughter what she has said she needs. She is here in California because she has a dream, and a talent to back it up. She wants to be an actor. I've supported her and now that she is 18, I've pulled away so not to create further dependency and give her the space she needs to make it on her own, but in not so many words she told me yesterday she would like my help. Honestly, instant relief set in. Finally, an opportunity to set my aspirations aside, give them some space and give what I've been seeking for my dreams- support. And who better to give this support to than my own flesh-and-blood.

I've been watching my daughter walk the dangerous path of quitting on her dreams. Of telling herself she has time, or thinking of ways to escape the life she is meant to live. I know this way well, and if there is anything I can do using my skills and wisdom to guide her down a better path, than I shall rise. In fact, watching her live her dreams is also living mine. I do not fear for my dreams and personal ambitions and I think this is where I see the entry point. I'm no longer attached to them. Suddenly, I can let them go. In my pursuit of thinking I must do something different, greater, better and grander, I've not only attached to this idea, I've been living my life trying to be this idea, and it has caused great suffering. So much suffering my body and mind are accustomed to it. I am so comfortable with this torment, I can barely let it go. I keep choosing to be a victim to it, for who will I be without this dilemma of having so much inside me, but feeling unable to get it out. I continue to live out this question.

Looking ahead...

I don't know what is to become of this blog, my books, my writings, my ideas- but I've taken myself here for a reason and I finally have the courage to let it all go. To let the life I think I should lead dissipate so the life I am meant to live can be known.

Tonight's Soul Tip:

When we are willing to sacrifice/surrender what it is we cling so hard to, we make space for something new. As much as we think we want what's new and even if we've called the new in, it's terrifying. It feels as though the ground we have known is literally falling away from us. For me, I feel sea sick just looking at the stream of my potential life. From the shore, it looks like it's moving too fast and I won't know what to do. I am afraid to jump in and go with it, but to give up the burden of my ambitions, and the suffering it has caused, is making my load lighter, and a lighter load means less potential of drowning. We have to make room for the life that wants us, and if we've envisioned a big life, than we must be willing to give up a lot, sometimes our most prized possessions and ambitions. Are you ready?

And two more soul tips:

~Ask, what do I love most about myself?
~Make a living being you. It's the best job there is and the hardest one to find. No titles. No callings- just YOU, and ALL that, that means.

Namaste,

The Soul Reporter

The Wisdom Knock

2011-05-26T00:48:00.000-07:00

Here is my entry that was one of the finalist in the Brian Tracy Blog Contest:

There is a movement happening. Do you sense it? This movement is that of a baby’s crawl transitioning into legs that stand and begin to move. Wobbly at first, but eventually move as if they always knew they were made for walking, not for crawling. At present, many of us are crawling, creating lives from an unconscious place, as if we don’t know we can walk, run, jump and kick. But imagine if we saw the true vision of our potential and created our lives from this place. How far might we go? How deep might we travel?

I entered into a heated discussion on Facebook. The person I was talking to let it be known a couple of
times, in various ways she works a job. I’m not sure if she knows I’ve hardly worked a “regular” job, and was offended by this, but I told her we all create the lives we want. She responded, “I don’t want to work.”

“What do you want,” I asked? I received no response.

There are so many of us working a job we do not like, or living in a town we don’t love or saying things we don’t believe because we don’t know who we really are, and if we do, we are afraid to allow our true self to come forward and create our best life. We are stuck and frustrated. I remember Dr. Wayne Dyer describing living this kind of life using decorating a room as a metaphor. We buy a lamp, one we don’t like and then to uniform the room, everything we buy matches the lamp we don’t like. Before we know it, we have a room we don’t want to be in.

The ideas of what kind of lives we should be living most often come from our educational, religious and
parental upbringing. These systems may be useful for a time, and provide the structure and security we
think we need, but if we are even a little bit conscious of our natural process of growth and evolution, then these structures cannot sustain us. They do not understand who we are and what our potential is. But someplace deep inside, we do.

Since 2002, I’ve been breaking down a life I thought I wanted. My child-self created this life, who wanted a home and a family, and for a time my white-picked-fence dreams were enough, until they weren’t. I wanted more. Many of us are experiencing complete life make-overs, either ones we initiate or seem to initiate themselves. As our old world begins to crumble, so do our thought patterns, which created that world. Not only thought patterns, but also relationships and lifestyles we’ve attached to.
Breaking down is terrifying, and it isn’t surprising many will continue to postpone the inevitable. Even if we are less than thrilled with our lives, there is a pay off that supersedes what would move us deeper into our authenticity, and that is safety and security. We believe if we make the right choices, according to the plans we make or allow others to make for us that seem sensible, our lives will be predictable and steady. But is this what we want?

In the summer of 2010 our family left our hometown and moved to Los Angeles. We made this move to start over, and to support our daughter’s dream to be an actor. Many times people have told our daughter to have a backup plan in case the acting dream doesn’t work out. She has never had a back-up plan, and we didn’t encourage one. Do we want a life that is safe, predictable and planned or a life, which is real, true, interesting and vibrant?

If we want real, first we must know we are creators. We must succumb to the bitter, yet liberating pill we are 100% responsible for our lives. If we don’t, we will continue to create a race of bitter people who
perpetually feel like victims because they believe they are powerless, and not powerful in creating lives they would never create if they truly knew who they were. We’ve been taught our knowledge of everything, including knowledge of ourselves comes from the outside in, when truly wisdom knocks from the inside. But are we listening? Further, are we responding?

When we respond to the wisdom within, we create from a more conscious place. This place is rich and
dynamic, and over time a life is created, which will nourish and sustain us because it is based in who we
are, not in who we think we are or think we should be to be safe and secure.

Do you hear the wisdom knock? Are you ready to get off all fours, and stand up and walk toward your
authentic life?

Older Than America

2011-05-23T10:49:00.000-07:00

This weekend, I had a full circle moment with filmmaker, Georgina Lightning. We first met in 2008, in a Minneapolis coffee shop where I interviewed her for Minnewood, an independent film on-line resource. She was in Minnesota promoting her film, Older Than America, which she filmed in Northern Minnesota. I found her strength and focus captivating and her vision prophetic. Three years later (this weekend), when I finally saw her film, and met her again I was reminded again of her captivating strength and focus and prophetic vision, which has now become a movement.

Her film, Older Than America tells of the atrocities, which occurred in boarding schools where American Indian children were taken from their families and traditional ways to be "reformed" into white, Christian culture. The ramifications of this "white washing" are still occurring. When asked, last Friday what the numbers are that were killed or committed suicide by the take-over which occurred, Georgina said, the numbers continue to rise, the genocide continues with deaths from drug and alcohol abuse, and suicide.

There were moments in the film where I felt a primal wound within myself wrapped in intense grief and pain, and I realize how important Georgina's work is. Through her film, and the documentaries she is working on now, she is bringing to the surface this wound, that I believe is within us all, a wound that must be healed if we as an American culture are to evolve to our full capacity. So much talk about "American Pride-" how can we be proud knowing what was done to our most Native of people and ways that are "older than America." Imagine our America if the ignorance, arrogance and fear was not acted upon, but instead there was an embrace to learn from and accept those that were called, "savages." Personally, I cannot be prideful until this atrocity is fully recognized and the people are fully realized back into their traditional and spiritual ways.

The deeper I travel into my soul, I find a longing to reconnect with the tribal aspect of myself. The self that is rich with knowing of both earth and sky. The wisdom which is always present, but has been suffocated by religion and greed and fear and ignorance; of people believing they understand they know more than the nature of this earth and our souls.

This is the repost of my interview with Georgina. If you feel moved, I hope you will purchase the DVD, go to the site and find ways to support and where the film might be showing, and if nothing else, send light and love to this buried wound, and see it surfacing to be healed so this country and its people can be restored- and connect with your tribal self. It knows and trusts the mystery.

Hidden Wounds

By: Nikki Di Virgilio
Published: December 2nd, 2008

If you are in tune with the vibe of our nation right now, you can sense a shift of consciousness. This shift comes with messages of hope and alliance, attractive notions to many of us. However, this change can't happen if healing and forgiveness of our wounds does not occur.

Georgina Lightning, actor and now director, is heeding the call to do her part in the healing of America. In her new movie, "Older Than America," she is bringing to the surface a forgotten wound many of us don’t even know about. It occurred during the cultural genocide of the American Indian, where young, Indian children were taken from their homes and families and moved into boarding schools, where they could be “white-washed,” living in a culture where “Kill the Indian, save the man” was the running theme.

Through the character of Rain, played by Lightning, an Indian woman who experiences visions from the past, we catch glimpses of the atrocities, which occurred at these boarding schools, and the ramifications they still hold for those who were there and the culture as a whole. Lightning knows the ramifications firsthand. She was born into a family of survivors of these schools, including her father, businessman and Cree Indian George De Jong, who was institutionalized from age 6-18 and committed suicide when Lightning was 18.

Lightning’s intentions for her movie are clear: For both Indian and white culture to acknowledge what was done in the past, so healing can take place for themselves and each other. This healing is necessary for the Indians of yesterday and the children of today to return to their traditions and ceremonies, which are "Older Than America".

This healing process has already begun. The Prime Minister of Canada issued a public apology to the world for what occurred in the boarding schools, and as the film tours various film festivals, it closes with standing ovations and people telling Lightning their own stories of hardship and gratitude for her efforts in sharing this tragedy.

The movie took three years to make and it's constantly evolving. The movie continues to tour film festivals, picking up awards along the way, including "best director". Lightning is a woman with vision and purpose. Filmmaker magazine has named her one of 25 new faces in independent film and she intends to open up the doors for women, minority women in particular.

Lightning was born in Canada. When she was 10-years-old, she saw her father stirred, while watching television and understood, at a level she couldn't explain, the power of film and how it can touch people. She moved to Los Angeles to receive training and pursue a career in acting. Frustrated with the lack of roles and opportunities for Indians, she wanted to do something different. She became an acting coach, working on various sets. While doing so, she watched the producers and directors, saying to herself,
“I can do this.”

Lightning is also a dedicated mother of three children: Cody, Crystle and William, all artists forging forward in their purpose, just like their mother. She is a definite woman to watch. Lightning believes in the power of media, a woman who will always convey resonant messages with her work.

In December, Lightning will be leaving snowy Minnesota ,where she has been for the past 18 months, filming "Older Than America" on the Fond-du-Lac Indian reservation, and return to sunny California.

There will be a screening of her movie on February 5, 2009 at Augsburg College, and there are
plans for a regional theatrical release, DVD release and, perhaps, a television opportunity. The film is 103 minutes.

For information about her production company visit: http://www.TribalAllianceProductions.com/.

The Writing Journey

2011-05-16T21:01:00.000-07:00

A piece I wrote at AuthorMagazine.org:

At 19, I became pregnant. I wasn’t married. I had just started college. When I found out, it should have been a crossroad moment, but it wasn’t. I wanted a baby. I wasn’t afraid to commit, even when counselors told me being a young, unwed mother was the surest way to poverty. Even when my boyfriend told me he was going to play video games while I told my parents the news...(to read the rest)

The Message

2011-05-13T17:11:00.000-07:00

As each one of us reaches our dreams that is one more to inspire the rest.

To Vote, add your comment: http://www.briantracy.com/blog/blog-contest/nikkidivirgilio

Deadline is May 16 at 5pm PST

*If you are not on Facebook there is a comment box at the end of the post to cast your vote.

Brian Tracy, a part of his blog contest, asked what message, if we had the chance to touch many, would we want to share with the world. My husband sent me the link to participate in this opportunity and right before the deadline, I turned in my 800 word message. Out of 500+ posts received, mine was picked. It is now going live with 59 others who are looking to spread our message and get votes.

I've been blogging for almost 7 years. It has taught me how to write, and challenge myself for language to describe the complex inner journey so I can share it as clearly as I can with you. I realize my message isn't trendy or popular. And it's probably not fun either. I guess I can testify to that because the inner journey I've been on for at least 20 years has been rough, but truly I cannot think of a better way to spend at least some of our time (hopefully more) than learning the most interesting subject there is, our selves. Underneath our boring, hum-drum regular lives, there lives a dynamic and roaring life force that is just ready for us to dig deep enough to find it.

I guess that is what my message is- dig, and be curious about who you are. Who you meet, for remember everyone is you (Face to Face With the Guru). What you experience. How you feel. For everything you hold inside creates the life you have. For many of us our lives are not expressions of our fascinating guru within. Instead they are expressions of who we think we are. How we think we should live. But, we are waking up. Many more than ever before. I want us to keep going for our own inner happiness because there are breakthroughs and amazing discoveries as we dig. And most importantly I want us keep going so we spread the wisdom we gain to our brothers and sisters.

Getting my message from the inside out is my dream. Will you help another being get there? There is room enough for us all to live from our authentic space.

To vote, go to this link and post a comment. I'd love to see those of you I don't know personally, but know on a soul level. And please pass it on.

Brian Tracy Blog Contest

Voting ends at 5 pm PST on May 16

Face to Face With the Guru

2011-05-12T09:45:00.000-07:00

The other night, I grew a little bit taller. And isn't this what our soul journey is about- growing and expanding deeper into the truth of who we are? And isn't it wonderful to know our soul leads us to the perfect experiences to make this happen?

I remember sharing an experience, which I don't remember now, to my great-aunt and dear friend, Linda. I was talking about someone, and I am sure mentioning an issue I had with that person, and she said, "Now remember everyone is you." Everyone we meet holds a mirror that only seems to show their image, but it actually holds our own. When we really OWN this, we begin to see aspects of ourselves through others~ our ideas, beliefs, desires, patterns and truths we hold within ourselves. If we are open, we will see these reflections. If we are brave we will learn and grow from them.

I've held a deep pattern. I hide. I withdraw. I become invisible. I try and stay safe, and not stretch too far. I also hold a deep and burning desire. To be seen. To become visible. Actively participating and engaged with life and its people. These patterns cause conflict because the way I perceive them, but...the ocean holds two patterns- to move in. To move out. The breath- in. Out. My pattern- in. Out, but mostly I've been in. And now I'm moving out. While I've been in, I've imagined this big life. Holding the vision of this life, I may receive opportunities to bring more life in so I can breathe more life out. But instead of greeting this with enthusiasm, I greet it with dread and hear my fear say- can't we just stay home. And if I'm already in my car, it says, God, I can't wait until we get home. I just want this to be over. Than I hear another voice. It says, If I am anxious about this "minor" happening in my life, then how am I going to handle the "major" ones? Then, I feel defeated. Isn't it interesting how we ask for what we want, turn the corner and see it coming toward us, and then dip so it misses us, or we run the other way. But- if our desire is stronger than our fear and our trust in the life force within us is in tact, then we may stand up and embrace what's coming our way~ and soon our pattern will be as rhythmic and natural as the ocean wave and the holy breath.

On Mother's Day, I was invited to see a screening of a wonderful documentary, Wise Women Speak. The voice tried to talk me out of it, but my body kept moving toward it and before I knew it, I was on La Brea parking my car and meeting a great new friend to see the movie. We met another woman in the theater, and found we had interesting similarities- both Italian with the same ending in our last name. She is from a part of Illinois my Italian family is from, and she is a huge adoring fan of Marianne Williamson, and invited me to go with her to Marianne's Monday night lecture. Since I had affirmed the other day, I possess the essential ingredients, and the rest is synchronicity, I took this as a synchronistic sign I should go see Marianne Williamson, especially because Marianne and I have a past.

My relationship began with her when I read, A Woman's Worth. Because of that book, I bought an I am a Goddess bumper sticker that always embarrassed me. I was hiding from my goddess, yet I knew I had one in me. Then, I read Illuminata and loved that. Still, when I see the cover I feel warm and cozy inside. CD's of her were the next phase, but I found it difficult to listen to her voice, and would often press the fast forward button on my Ipod when she came up on shuffle. From here, I didn't have much to do with Marianne.

Then, we moved to California and my husband and oldest daughter started reading a book together every night and would discuss it. We enjoyed this so much, we decided to read another. This time, A Return to Love, but we never finished it. Around this time, I wrote a blog post. It is titled, The Guru Has Got to Go~ Now. Since moving here, I had found a freedom I could not grasp when in my home-state. And I liked it, and wanted more, but there was a problem. Someone was holding me back from even greater freedom, and I called her Sergeant Williamson. I've always carried a perfectionist inside of me, and when I lived my life as a home-maker she was obvious in her way of barking out her demands for a perfect house and life. When I left my home behind, I thought the perfectionist left as well, but she hadn't. She now became someone who barked out spiritual orders to me- to be compassionate if I judged or had an opinion. To up my mediation to 30 minutes instead of just 15. Stuff like that- so it seemed fitting to see her as a cross between Marianne, a spiritual teacher who offers spiritual teachings and many know, and a drill sergeant who dictates orders. It made sense to me, and to most people who read it, except Marianne.

She sent me a message on Twitter and asked how she offended me because I painted an unattractive picture of her. I remember sitting on the couch, pre-menstrual, crabby, feeling like shit, and seeing my Iphone light with "Direct message from Marianne Williamson," and I laughed. It was hysterical to me for some reason. I mean you don't see that everyday, right? And how did she believe she offended me when the post was clearly not about her? I thought maybe she had an assistant or someone who read it, but she didn't read it, so I responded with the question- "Did you read the post?" I asked this question several more times, but I never got a response. And I could not give a response to her question because she didn't offend me, other than her voice not resonating with me years ago, but that's not what I wrote about. I wrote about MY inner perfectionist, which I fatefully called Sergeant Williamson.

Because of Twitter's 140 character limit, she asked for my email so she could write a longer response. I was really looking forward to this. I thought- okay, great we can really have a good conversation now. I can explain my side further and she can explain hers, because at this point I didn't understand her side, only that it had enough of an impact to contact me. And it is Marianne Williamson, and I am passionate about spiritual growth- and what a great opportunity to speak with her- I mean really who knew what the possibilities were. Not to mention I had been working on a blog post about spiritual teachers.

Months later, actually the exact same moment my post on spiritual teachers, a post I had been working on for months was deleted. Gone. Poof. Could not be retrieved, I received Marianne's email. Um, call me stretching myself to look for signs, but this meant something for me. I knew it did. Her email however, probably was only 140 characters and posed the same question- how did she offend me. Have you ever been in a conversation with someone and you find no matter what you say, they seem not to hear you? This is how I felt, and I couldn't figure it out. I mean the intention of my post, which I shared numerous times seemed simple, and yet she continued to interpret me calling her a drill sergeant and speaking of her harshly. It leads me to ask, what is the pay off for holding a story, which seems to cause suffering or at least causes enough of something to warrant energy spent, even with the true intention being shared.

Honestly, I felt she wanted me to say, something like this, No Marianne, you did not offend me at all. I think you are wonderful. I adore you. You've taught me so much. But to say this might only appease her, and certainly not me, which brings me to the true point of this post. During the lecture, as I sat in the theater seats and watched her speak, I began opening to her. Her voice was easier to hear in person. I was impressed with her ability to "work a room." She is creating a container for a community of people seeking and grieving in various ways, and it is a beautiful thing. By the end of the night, after listening to her lesson on relationships and how they are our opportunity to be in our nakedness (vulnerability) with another, any preconceived ideas I had of her after our on-line discussions dissipated in the light of this possibility.

And on some level, I must have known this as a possibility. The anxiety while driving to the event was extreme. The voices told me to go home and be safe. When parking became an issue, I thought it would be the perfect excuse to turn around and leave. My daughter, who went with me along with my 10-year old, asked me what kind of anxiety it was. The kind, which forces an event to happen based on fear and insecurity or the kind, which resists an opportunity for real growth to occur. It was definitely the kind that says feel the fear and go for it anyway. And what empowerment to finally be able to discern the difference. Going through the fear, I was stretched to the place where I now stood face to face with Marianne. My heart beat fast. I moved my attention outward, and watched a young woman speak to her. I saw in her, the old me that hides her divinity and bows down to those who must be more wise than I. I didn't want to go there again. She is a human being, just like me. Isn't it funny how we think otherwise, and do we ever wonder as "fans" how this feels for them?

When the exchange was over between her and I, I walked away wondering, what just happened. I came to her in one way, open and embracing and left feeling just as I did during our on-line conversations- dismissed. Once again I was unable to help relieve her of her story that I spoke of her harshly, and in my deepest self, I want to relieve others and myself of suffering. As our conversation went back and forth, never going to a place of resolution or understanding, I stayed true to myself, especially when she offered me feedback. She told me I need to be careful with my words, especially when speaking of women because we can get catty. "That does not resonate," I said. I cannot use advice from a spiritual teacher or anyone when it does not resonate with the truth of who I am. From here the conversation was soon over after getting a "good luck with your blog" and what I felt a dismissive hand gesture.

Freedom is being okay within ourselves when we are not received in our truth by another.

I am going to admit something to you. It feels a bit like coming out of the closet, so I'm frightened. I am afraid you will say, yeah, right who does she think she is. She's no Marianne Williamson. But I've imagined myself, probably since the days of reading self-help books and watching "experts" on the Oprah show, as a "spiritual teacher." Well, first I wanted to be a psychologist. And then the expert on the talk shows, and than an author like Melody Beattie. But spirituality is my passion. I love learning about the most interesting subject I know- self. The deeper I go within, the deeper I want to go. The more I learn about the inner awakening process, the more I want to share. I always hear, do what you love. Should I then be a spiritual teacher (I only call it this because people can relate, but this title makes me uncomfortable)? To say this, especially out loud makes me nauseous. It is an enormous responsibility.

People came to Marianne's lecture with big stuff, which they shared in the audience and sought her counsel. I watched people wipe tears as Marianne said prayers. I am not saying as "spiritual teachers" we have to be responsible for everyone. Our work is our work, but I am saying there must be reconginition for what people are holding and to honor it sacred and do whatever we must for them without personal agenda. I couldn't be sure for many years if I was ready for such a responsibility. What if I was seeking fame or recogntion or money in payment for spiritual teachings. If this were so, I could not live with that kind of karma. How can I deal with the adoration of others? How can I not believe their hype or my own? How can I stay grounded and true to my most basic intention- to help relieve suffering and create openings for self-realization? How can I be true to my teachings? No, I don't think I can be perfect, although I know myself to try, but I can be honest. Transparent. Walk into an auditorium and have nothing to hide from anyone and have everything to give if I remain open and present. But I resist the call.

Remember how I began this post...I hide, and how everyone we meet is us. Marianne, for me, holds my desire to be a spiritual teacher. When I spoke with her in emails, it was important for me to level the playing field. To see her not as above me, but as my equal, and I came to her from this place. If I believe my desire is unreachable then how can I ever stand in its light. So, I kept at her in a sense. To let her, but mostly myself know I can engage with you. To meet her was even more powerful. To my desire, I said, I fear you. My heart pounds in your presence, but I am closer to you then I have ever been. And the dismissive response I perceived from Marianne, tells me I still reject my desire in some way. But...I walked toward her. I touched her shoulders. I looked in her eyes. I was open to her.

A message I received from her lecture on relationships is, the people who hold our lessons will continue to show up until we receive them. I remember someone saying, our soul wants our growth and expansion over anything else and it does not care what or who it uses to get us to grow. I understand there is still a part of me rejecting this aspect of myself, but I am closer to it than I have ever been. And if nothing else, my children are proud. My 10-year old who had no idea of the back story, who played on her ipod during the entire lecture, and watched from the sidelines during our exchange, said, to me, "Mom, I'm proud of you." My 18 year old agreed and said I stood my ground. I see myself with two major roles in this life, neither separate from each other. The one role is as student. I am here to learn and grow and study the most interesting subject there is- self. The second role is mother. If nothing else ever came from this interesting series of events with a spiritual teacher, having my daughters witness their mother standing in her truth is more than enough. As mothers our strength invokes that spark in our children. I saw this spark ignited after the lecture, when we went out to eat. My Lilli, the 10-year old has been shy to order. When the waiter asked if she wanted another Sprite, she lifted her head, looked him in his eyes, and very clearly and loudly, said, "yes."

*****************************************YES!*************************************

The next morning, I woke up with a big smile on my face. Something resurrected. And something died. When I feel the foreboding as I move forward on my path, it is only old energy that does not know I am new. With each step, I am less afraid of who I am and all I am capable of. I live with the dream and desire inside of me to bring big smiles to myself and everyone, and as I do, I watch the part of me who dismisses her desires, walk away. I wish her well (and won't give her a name this time) knowing I understand her and it's okay. I trust one day she shall see. And in her wake I am left with me. Still present. Open. Embracing. I've nothing to fear. I know who I am. I've nothing to hide and I no longer want to.

Today's Soul Tip:

Begin to see everyone as you. What are they showing you? Are you rejecting a part of yourself it is time you embrace? Are they showing you where you may need to go within and reflect, perhaps let go. Marianne said in her lecture the most important person is the one in front of you. That person is you. Are you going to give yourself, yourself and all that you are capable of? Your wishes and desires? Are you going to hold your head up and look yourself in the eye and say, yes? If you do, I promise you will grow a little bit taller and smile a little bit wider.

I thank Marianne Williamson. I thank Natalie, the woman I met who invited me to the lecture. I thank Lana for inviting me to the documentary screening where I met Natalie. I thank my cousin Christopher for introducing me to Lana. I thank Linda for reminding me everyone is me. I thank me for showing up and seeing me. I thank my daughters for seeing and supporting my strength. Are you seeing the beauty...how the soul and the universe, if they are even separate conspire to support us- to bring synchronicity so our SOUL EXPANDS.

Namaste,

The Soul Reporter

No Apologies for This Star Among Stars

2011-05-05T11:07:00.000-07:00

A heated political discussion on facebook turned into a person who brought up the fact that she worked several times in various ways. I wondered if she read my worked at "Self Employed and Loving It!" on my facebook profile or knew I've only worked maybe three years at a regular job my entire life. It's a shame raising kids isn't considered working in many circles- and for many years I was ashamed, believing I wasn't doing enough or fitting in with those "who have a clue about the real world"(and yes, someone said this to me). And guess what this belief produced? A life created to please others, and the more I gave up what I didn't believe I deserved, the more unhappy and less authentic I became- and let me tell you IT'S NOT WORTH IT.

Hearing the tone in this person's comments about how she works, I realized I was having a full circle moment. I was no longer ashamed of my non-working status, because believe me I work- just not in ways that are seen- yet. But this no longer matters because after many years of feeling bad for living off an inheritance so I could be in the front of the line raising my kids, instead of behind society raising them, I honor who I am and the life I have created- now, and then.

In Minnesota, where I am from, I noticed an aura of apology around people (obviously, me included) as if they were apologizing for taking up space in the world. This type of aura creates passive/aggressive behaviors. Where on one hand we are polite, which means we are apologetic for everything- and on the other hand we are pissed we keep short-changing ourselves. In our aggressiveness, we tend to blame everyone for how we are feeling.

This happened to me the other day. I had three occurrences where I did not respond in authenticity, but backed down in order to please- and not offend. I thought I was mad at these three people, my daughter's teacher who shames her in class who I gave a fake smile to instead of confronting her; the dentist who may have used a dirty toothbrush on my child, who I did not question but decided I will never go there again; and the woman at the alterations store who, after three weeks never called to tell my hand-knitted sweater could not be repaired.

It's been awhile since I have been as pissed as I was, or should I say disturbed and bothered. But as soon as I realized I was angry with myself because I was not being true to myself, I returned to the truth- I am always 100% responsible for everything, and in this truth self-forgiveness swept in and cleared the anger.

On the other end of passive aggressive behavior and apologizing for our existence there is entitlement. In California, where I live now people feel no need to apologize for who they are and the lives they live. This is refreshing in many ways for my stale mid-west upbringing, but it also has its dark side. The sense of entitlement leads to little or no apologizing whatsoever for anything.

So what's the balance? Are both extreme behaviors a consequence of not being in full responsibility for our lives? Of not being in full appreciation we ARE creators of our circumstance and we ALL do this together? If so imagine the type of world we would create if everyone saw the true vision of their potential and knew our power to create these lives. In this world would we apologize for our existence, and feel like victims of it? Would we scold, ignore and blame others? Would we have an air of superiority with little regard of the world and others around us? Or would we work in cooperation, feeling no need to belittle or enlarge ourselves and others because we understand when we take 100% responsibility for our selves (which we have anyway, so may as well realize it) we honor the life we have lived and the one we live now, and we want to meet our potentials, knowing striving toward our best self makes the whole better. This is the world I want to live in. But, there is some work to do.

Today's Soul Tip:

Full responsibility is a bitter, yet liberating pill- a pill we must swallow, but we don't have to do so all at once. When we realize we are the creators of our lives, the victim whom we have fed and nurtured will drop her head in stubbornness and wallow, begging us not to abandon her. The diva will whip her hair and make a fuss. Neither one will want to give up their staring role in our lives. But we have a new star, who is in perfect balance. She is loyal and true. Deep down in her soul, she knows she is a star among many stars. She understands her brightness assists those stars around her and she knows with absolute certainty she is encompassed within the universe, which supports, loves and sustains her. She is magical. She is our best self.

*Disclaimer: I realize I am writing in generalities when I speak of the people in Minnesota and California. Of course not everyone in MN is passive aggressive and not everyone in CA is grossly entitled. But there are energies present in the atmosphere, and when there is a dominant force and we are sensitive, we can feel this force and learn from it, which is my intention here.

Namaste,

The Soul Reporter

The Man Behind the Counter

2011-04-28T00:48:00.000-07:00

There are moments when we see how delicately and masterfully we are weaved together. Moments where we leave our "everyday" consciousness and move into a space of keen observation where we access a greater understanding and opportunity to support the environment we are in. These moments can happen in the most mundane of places.

I had one of these moments at the dollar store down the street from my house. My daughter wanted a new diary. I needed paper towels and a new dish scrubber. We found everything but the perfect diary, which can be difficult at a dollar store. At the check out, an elderly woman purchased three bags of items. She moved slow. Her speech was soft, and I could tell the cashier had little patience for her elderly ways. Before she could pick up her three bags full of dollar store goodies, the cashier began ringing up my items, and put my bag next to hers. To me, he was open and friendly, asking how I am doing, and telling me to have a nice day.

Confused, she asked, "Sir, how am I to know which bags are mine?" He barely looked at her, and said, "I don't know."

"Here," I said, "I will take my bag so you know which ones are yours."

She began to put her bags in a cart, and asked, "Can I take this cart to my car? My husband is just outside waiting for me."

The cart had one of those silly long poles attached to it. An ornament I've only seen here in California. It prevents people from getting them out the door.

Clearly frustrated with her and probably wishing she'd just leave, he gave a quick,"No."

"Well, how do they expect me to take all my things to my car?"

"I'll ask someone to help you," but he didn't.

What was going on with this young man? Why is he so bothered by her? His double chin hung down his neck. His large stomach heaved as he struggled for breath. He's working at a dollar store. He's probably not happy and he looks uncomfortable. Maybe he has issues with his grandmother. Or maybe she just died. Whatever the issue is with him, I observe how she looks at him when he speaks to her. She is too polite to cause a fuss, but she notices, and I sense his reaction penetrates deeply, as if she gets this response all the time.

I said, "I can help you."

She looked at my daughter and the one bag in my hand, and answered as I know my grandma would, "You have enough to deal with. I will wait for help."

I did not want to force my assistance, but I also did not want to accept her refusal. I waited by the exit to see if she would figure it out, or for the cashier to get her help. She started to move toward the door and I saw her husband in the handicap spot, waiting for her with his eyes closed.

I grabbed her three bags, and said, "I will help you."

"Oh, you don't have to do that."

I opened the door and put the bags in the back seat. As she got in her car, I saw the woman who was behind me in the check out line watching us, along with Lilli, my daughter. "Mom," she said, "That was really nice. Why did you help her?"

I told her I didn't like the way the man at the store was treating her and it was a reminder that someday, we all will have bodies that move slow and have speech that is soft, and we will need help and we will want to be treated kindly.

That night, I watched an Oprah episode. They talked about the chemicals in our bodies changing when we witness an act of kindness. I knew my daughter and this unknown woman experienced a change in their cells. The act was simple. Not a big deal for me to do. But....

What was a big deal, were my thoughts of the man behind the counter. I wasn't angry or disgusted with him. I did not judge him. I noticed him and wondered what his pain was. In this space, I did not attack or scold. Instead I put my attention on what mattered most at that moment- diffusing and balancing the negative energy being projected at this elderly woman, who thought she was only going out for a few essentials at the dollar store. I thought the same thing.

Today's Soul Tip:

A new way of being is breaking through for me. Where there was judgment there is now wonder and observation. Where there once was a reaction from that place of judgment, there is now a response to diffuse and restore balance.

Everywhere are opportunities for us to observe and respond in more conscious and less judgmental ways. Moments where we can truly support each other, and in doing so we affect not only ourselves and those we assist, but those around us who are watching. It literally changes the environment. As they say, BE THE CHANGE you seek.

Namaste,

The Soul Reporter

Absorption

2011-04-26T22:58:00.000-07:00

The experience: I had been feeling connected, alive and in love. Then I wasn't. I went for a walk in the canyon and wondered what shifted. The night before I watched the movie, Black Swan. From the instant Natalie appeared on screen, I attached to her- opening me to her experiences and if anyone has watched Black Swan you know I was in for a dark, traumatic ride with her.

By the end of the movie, well actually toward the middle, I was STRESSED out. My daughter asked if I could at least appreciate the art of the movie. NO. I cannot see or feel anything beyond Natalie's character. My bodily response was what it always is to stress, tense up, tighten up and disconnect. It's like hey, there is something fucked up going on here, and I'm out. My mind doesn't really know if I am actually going through it or not, or does it care, but...

I care. I wanted to feel connected again, especially as I walked in the canyon. Connection feels so good, and when I asked what shifted and I realized, I had ABSORBED the movie into my being, enough to cause stress, which made me vacate my body- then I knew I could easily connect again. Suddenly I heard the birds sing, the stream of water rushing and I could SEE the green trees and the blue sky.

The teaching: We absorb so much- music, movies, planetary changes, environmental shifts, other people's energy and our own shifts and changes. We also absorb society's beliefs, our family's beliefs, the institution's beliefs. Many of us are immersed in what we were taught as children. According to Bruce Lipton, most of our feelings and behaviors happen through our unconscious, which was programmed into us between the ages of 0-6. It is no wonder then we are feel so disconnected from our bodies, our souls, nature, and why we can't feel much- of anything.

The most basic truth we need to understand about ourselves is, we are energy. We feel it. We absorb it. We are it. The other day, I shook our new neighbor's hand. Immediately, I thought, this woman is intense. When I went home, and started to cook dinner, I was "off. "Once I realized I probably absorbed her energy, it released, and I was back to a more balanced state. When I massage my husband's neck, I feel his anxiety and his tension. Sometimes I even begin to experience the pain he is. In order to balance myself, my body begins to yawn. It is the craziest thing, but somehow it works.

For a long time I think I have feared this transfer of energy. I've isolated myself because of it. I've had breakdowns because of an overload. Now I am learning to become curious of it. The more curious I am, the less I fear it and take it personal, the quicker I am able to move through the varying energies that seem to "disturb" my own.

Today's Soul Tip:

Do you notice a transfer of energy? How? Are there strategies you use to keep your energetic space clear? It is good practice to notice energy, and how we are connected, and to adopt the idea we are indeed energetic beings.

Gentle Spirit, I'm Not

2011-04-15T17:15:00.000-07:00

Gentle Spirit

That picture, entitled Gentle Spirit is who I think I AM. Calm. Gentle. Or rather, this is who I think I should be to be spiritual- and I now say HOGWASH. Here's what's not hogwash, sometimes, I am kind and gentle. But other times, actually most times I am not. Like right now. I AM INTENSELY INTENSE. I want to BITE something, or maybe someone. I feel conflict inside of me. Desire. Unused potential and the fear I will be judged for putting this out there, along with not caring what you think of me, along with, well, that's not very nice, Nikki. You should care. They are your readers. Along with, just share, express- do you. And this is the truth of my moment right now, and I am sharing it because that is what I do to be free, and I hope in my doing so, I allow others to be also, but I digress. Let's get back to being spiritual.

I mean really, to be spiritual- why is there this dumb idea we should be all one way all the time, and that one way should be kind, gentle, joyful, positive. Oh, that's right because that is who we REALLY are. In the meantime, what about all the other stuff that we aren't but we feel and think and believe to be true. What with that stuff? Ignore it. Pretend it isn't there? Stuff it so no one sees how complicated and corrupted we are? Is this helping us? Now don't get me wrong, if someone feels joyful and kind and that is their truth in the moment- or of their life, bless them, and YES- I love it because it's real, but if it's some silly idea that we think that is what being spiritual means and we act it out, than that is HOGWASH. Again what is not hogwash is this: I am spiritual. You are spiritual. WE ARE SPIRITUAL because we just ARE. It would be pretty darn difficult, if not downright impossible to take the spirit out of us. We are full of our spirit no matter what we feel or how we behave or what we think. We cannot, not be spiritual. PERIOD. So lets let go of these stupid ideals about it, or maybe I am the only that needs to hear this right now. Because you see...

That Gentle Spirit up there, she looks at me, with no ill-intent, but I've put my shit on her- so instead of how she really looks at me with love and no pressure, what I see is her saying: Look at me. How effortless and pretty I am. Too bad you aren't here yet, basking in my glow. Oh, Sergeant Williamson must be here again. And I think I know why. All week I have asked, prayed, and intently requested, quite religiously that I experience FULL & COMPLETE SURRENDER. You see I am creatively challenged at the moment, which has been the longest moment of my life. I can dig through my own crap, as long as it doesn't relate to creatively expressing myself. And I can dig through my relationship issues, and be a mother, and de-clutter my home, and keep it in order, and fry the food, gluten-free food that is, in a pan. I can even intend to get my body in shape and make that happen, but to actually write my books or follow an impulse to start a business or make my own money or be a "professional' creative woman in the world- I am absolutely seemingly incompetent. I struggle here terribly, and it isn't like me not to dig in and get it together, but here I'd rather sleep or eat chocolate or put it off for one more day. And what I've realized through this enormous challenge of mine is, this: whatever is causing this much trauma begs to be surrendered. It is my new motto- and therefore I must surrender in a way I have never surrendered before, but first let me talk about the soul....and the truth that it is not realistic(right now anyway) to stay in one "spiritual" place all the time....

The soul is like a house, and inside this house are many rooms. Each room holds a certain rhythm, an energy and to completely surrender (at least for me right now) means I allow myself FULL access to every room and the FREEDOM to roam, to weave in and out, and more truthfully to be guided and moved by the force within me, which moves EVERY THING. And this, I have to say feels a bit crazy and out of control for me. It's like finally allowing myself to see how complicated and dynamic I really am. Although the new thought is: how rich, diverse, interesting and colorful I really am. But again, this is a truth I've withheld from myself and others. It's been safer for me to control access or at least judge and tell a story about each room I am in. But to just BE there, observe, feel, experience, and allow the gifts there- NOW that's something new, which is what I've asked for. A NEW DIVINE ORDER. Which brings me to the message I want to convey in this post....

Each one of us, aware of it or not is SOMEWHERE in our process. Some may be in the darker rooms of the soul, restricting access to other areas by taking drugs or overeating or watching too much television- or whatever...Others might be in the "Rainbow LaLa" room admiring unicorns believing there is no darkness and we should all be positive. Some are cleaning the dirt from humanity's feet in a selfless way. While others feel there is no other reality but the one room they are in. And what I am saying is- ALL are okay. We are where we are in our process. None of us will stay in any room forever, even if we aren't aware of the soul, of ourselves. We WILL be moved. And what I am learning about my process is the deeper I go within myself, within the soul, the more unhinged I become, which means more freedom to roam, which is met by more fear. YIPEE!

The importance is for each of us to hold the space for one another in our process. My husband always does this for me. Today, I sat in my room unhinged, crying, snot coming out of my nose, upset again about the thing I'm always upset with (that writing/work/purpose thing). In the back of his mind, he might have been saying, Oh shit here she goes again, but he was devoted anyway- he held the space. Got me Kleenex. Rubbed my shoulders and sat there with me. I've always thought I needed a woman for this. I guess I wanted my mom for this. That isn't possible, and it also hasn't been from any woman I know. I have never found any woman that can hold me through EVERY space within my soul. Have you(or man)? But I have found my husband. He is a man, and although we still have our relationship dynamic that from time to time interferes, knowing this, I can (try) and let go of this need to have the BFF in the cloak of a woman.

My work right now is to do what I am asking and wishing everyone to do. Hold the space for yourself and others. I called someone today and I am sure she could feel the intensity of my desperation. She asked if she could call me back. She hasn't, and won't. I have to honor where she is, which isn't easy- but I have to take what I wish and give it to myself- to honor all the rooms in my house, even the desperate intense ones. If I cannot, I also cannot fully integrate and KNOW I AM WHOLE. There will not be harmony if I am pissing in any of the rooms, and If I am pissing, I need to honor the one who pisses. Am I making any sense here?

Now that I near the end of this post, I realize that picture of the Gentle Spirit does not represent one kind of person- who is always kind and gentle. What that picture represents is the effortless flow, the place, which I consciously choose to return. It is within me. There, there is no effort. Only ease. The hardest and greatest work we will do is surrendering to this, and all that, that means. In this world we have created a large room of getting and doing- and I refuse to struggle in this room right now. In fact I may redecorate it because it's darn-right boring in there. I know where I have worked, and its been on the inside. I've done work there no one can see, but me. And I tire of struggling in the small room of getting and doing. Of trying and thinking and forcing and planning and figuring out and analyzing. If all I see are the trees above me and feel the water beneath me and know the truth inside of me, than this is more than enough. This IS the success most of us dream of. Everything else that comes from this world, money, fame, homes, relationships are all beautiful extras that are either in our flow or they are not. That we allow or we don't.

I am reading the life of Saint Francis, God's Fool. Here is a passage I want to share: (Brother)"... Leo at least must understand that finding the narrow path right away, and then following it til it leads to paradise is not a pleasure trip, as most people imagine. Access to God is not so easy." The flow for me is what many call God, and getting there is not easy. If it were we'd all be there. Staying conscoiusly connected to the flow is no simple fete either, but once you've been in it enough, your soul cries for it even louder, or is it your ears are more open to hear the cries, and in those cries is a want of MORE. You want this flow all the time. You want nothing but this. No shields. No obstructions, just flow. All God, all the time. And I believe in a way the path does get more narrow. I can't say how because I don't think I'm there yet, but I do know the more I surrender, the more unhinged I need to become- and this is never easy. We are attached in so many ways, we cannot fully comprehend. Even now, I write from the rawness of my soul and I fear the reader- and I shouldn't fear you, but I do. I fear what you think of me, and this is where I guess this post becomes full circle, and returns to its intention. Do not judge, for all of us are somewhere in our process of realizing the flow, God. And if we must judge, since I am not one to judge those who judge because I do- let's at least hold the space for everyone we meet, and for ourselves, if even for a second. That second can mean and ALLOW everything.

A Side Note:
What I am feeling in a corner of my soul:

I don't know how much longer I will be writing here at, The Soul Reporter. I wonder if it is time to move on. I have dedicated more than 6 years here, and I desire more interaction- and I have a few projects I am going to dedicate my time to, so if there are postings here it might be minimal. In the meantime, I encourage you to follow my writing blog at: http://theconstipatedwriter.wordpress.com/ where I will be sharing the courtship, and hopefully long-term romance between myself and my creative genius.

Today's Soul Tip:

I am sure I will continue to return here, to this blog, more than maybe I can understand. I'm just wondering where I will go now that I have surrendered even more, but that's control, right? Needing to know. Thinking I have it all figured out, and I know what is best. Wherever you are, I hold the space for you. And right now, not knowing what you think of me, if anything. Maybe you didn't even make it this far in my post, I hold the space for me. Sometimes this is all that is needed. So simple. So true. I WISH you nothing but ALL FLOW ALL THE TIME.

Namaste,

The Soul Reporter

Open. Close. You Decide.

2011-04-08T16:05:00.000-07:00

So, I am taking a class called Nia. Heard of it? I'm surprised at how many have. It's so new to me. It's a combination of dance, martial arts, even a bit of yoga. It's philosophy is balance. For instance, the first class I took, reflected the balance of stability and fluidity. As our lower body stood solid, our upper body moved in grace.

The first class, I pretty much felt dumb. If you've been following this blog, you know my recent journey is to become at ease in my body. I tend to leave it often. Neglect it for soulful work or just mindless nothingness. Nia is helping me move through my uncomfortablity and into my bodily home. It hasn't taken as long as I thought. Only after three classes, I am already more at ease. I stretch myself toward the front of the room. I mind my own movements instead of comparing myself to others. In some moments, I feel so alive and free, I want to scream, but I don't because I am not that alive and free yet. And...

Every once and awhile I look in the mirror, something I'm not so comfortable with yet. I don't like the way I look. I just don't. The way my arms flab when I hold them up. The tummy that protrudes. The thighs that are so thick they look glued together, and the awkward way the rest of my leg moves out like a V. And if that weren't enough, I usually don't wear make up to Nia, and so I see my pudgy, pale face staring back at me and I decide, I think I'll look away and stare at the teacher. She is fit. Trim and her body moves as though she's never denied it.

Sometimes we do hip movements. These movements always challenge me. I'm so stiff in my hips. I know I have the suckers. I see them, but shit, they won't frickin' move. I watch the teacher, and her hips have a mind of their own. Mine have been controlled. Seized up. I tell myself the teacher's hips move because she hasn't had children. Of course, I don't know that for sure, but let's pretend so I can feel better. But really, shouldn't the fact I did give birth- twice- give me a nice hip thrust from time to time?

After Nia yesterday, I took a hot bath and I pondered this hip issue. Without getting too personal, my legs were closed together, as usual. And then, I opened them, allowing my knees to touch the sides of the tub. This was comfortable. The tension released. Isn't it interesting I thought, how women tend to keep their legs closed. To protect our sacred center between them. Protect it from men. From life. From whatever. What is this doing to our hips? To our lives? Then, I thought of women who are a bit more loose than myself. Like prostitutes perhaps. In my mind, they always have their legs open. Maybe they need to close them. My takeaway: some of us women need to open our legs, therefore our hips, and others may need to shut it down.

The last time I really opened my legs was to give birth. Now, isn't' that interesting. Ain't no baby coming out unless those legs are spread and the hips are open. Unless of course you get a C-section. The other time I opened my legs I met my husband. No, not what you're thinking. This leg opening moment was innocent. We met at a roller skating rink when we were 15. There was a concert and I was holding a seat for my friends. One leg was propped up on a folding chair, and the other was on the floor. I was wearing a green skirt. I looked up, felt someone looking at me, and there was Chucky- checking out the goods. I closed my legs and after the concert he asked for my number.

So does having my legs open, metaphorically speaking in most ways, mean I am saying yes to life? That I am allowing myself to give birth? If so, I think its time to open wide again. I've been holding the goods for far too long. Yes, I am aware of all the sexual connotations here, but really what I am talking about is life. The creative life force within us. My legs have been closed many, many years because I've been incubating all sorts of inner life. And for the next many, many years I plan on keeping the legs open. Its my time to birth the fruits in the womb, and as I do, I have the feeling in Nia class, and beyond, my hips are going to awaken and do what hips do- shake and move that life right out.

Today's Soul Tip:

Take nothing for granted. Every experience is here to move us toward greater understanding. If you find yourself wondering about something, take it deeper. Ask the questions. You'll get answers. And related to this post specifically- if you feel you've been open- giving- it might be time to incubate. Close down a bit, shut those legs, yes, you too men and get dark and small. If you've not given enough, allowed enough, been dark and small, it's time for you to open WIDE- and GIVE. I trust you know which way to move.

Oh, and I want to share this with you too. I had this insight while not liking my body when I looked in the mirror: staring at my body in the mirror, I want to be upset by how it looks and moves, but how can I? She simply shows the result of my neglect. My shame. My abandonment of her. My unconscious daily habits that do not support her essence. I am not a victim of her. Nor is she a victim of me. She simply responds to my thoughts, emotions and behaviors.

*A side note totally unrelated to this post: I know I have readers. And I ask, if you like what you receive here, if it makes you think, wonder or have any kind of reaction, please share this blog with others. If you do already, thank you. I appreciate you. And I'd love to hear from you from time to time. Post a comment. Let's connect. You have to ask, to receive.

Namaste,

The Soul Reporter

Quitting

2011-04-05T22:08:00.000-07:00

Huffing and puffing up the canyon today, pissed. I don't want this fat, stiff body. Sergeant Williamson (this is what I call my inner guru/perfectionist that speaks her opinion from time to time) replies, Do not shame yourself. You must not hate any part of yourself. Oh, but yes- I do. I know how I got this way. I haven't used my body enough, and I've eaten too much. This isn't shame. This is owning what IS right now and how my body got this way. And in case you haven't noticed, Sergeant Williamson, I am huffing and puffing up these canyons, dammit so quit telling me a story about how I shouldn't feel the way I feel and think the way I think. I'm fat. Stiff, but....I know I will be fit and flexible because I'M MOVING. I'm doing NEW behaviors.

I felt better after more huffing and puffing, and then I went to pick up my 10-year old daughter, Lilli. Recently she was picked to be one of 10 girls who are going to a dance competition. When I saw her pretty face, the first thing she said to me was, "I quit competition." WHAT!

Me: Why?

Lilli: Because, it's too hard. I'm not good. I told the teacher to have another girl take my place.

Me: Well you are not quitting. I'm calling your teacher because you cannot make this decision. YOU ARE NOT QUITTING.

This exchange was much more intense than I am sharing because I was pissed, actually worried is more the truth. I flash-backed to my childhood. Mom dropped me off at tap and ballet class. Little chubby Nikki had all the wrong clothes, stood in the back and felt like a loser. I can't do this. I want to because I like it, but I can't do it. Look at me looking all stupid and look at all those other girls in the front. They know what they are doing.

After class, I got into my mother's car and told her I wanted to quit. I don't remember what she said, but I do know she wasn't angry. Or worried. She didn't tell me I wasn't quitting, and probably did something like give me a pathetic look, like you poor baby, and said, of course you can quit. This moment still haunts me. Why did she let me quit? I didn't really want to. I probably just needed a pep talk. Encouragement. Something, anything other than giving me the temporary relief of not being embarrassed. In the long run, if she would have told me to stick it out, God only knows how that would have changed my life. I probably wouldn't be FAT and procrastinating.

Lilli went home, slammed the door and I waited for her teacher to call me back. When she did, I explained to her I did not want Lilli to quit because it is too hard. She agreed. She believes Lilli lacks confidence and is easily distracted, but she deserves to be there. If she only applied herself, she would have all her dance moves down perfectly. She was grateful for my involvement, and I told her I would talk to Lilli.

This is a defining moment. I told Lilli if she quits, this will be the place she always quits. The place where the opportunity is to go to the next level, but if she quits, she'll never get there. I let her know, I respect her non-conformist ways, and that she just wants to dance and not compete. But, I explained it would be like me getting a book deal, and half way through saying, "No, I can't go any farther. I'm not good enough. Give it to a better writer." It may not be all about winning, or competing or getting a book deal, but it is the reward that brings a desire or a passion and the work full circle. And it just might be fun.

I also told her, if she does go back into the competition, there is to be no more saying I quit because next time, there won't be another chance. She's already said it twice. The first time the teacher talked her out of it. She listened to me as I talked, which is something she doesn't do easily. I asked her if she was going back and she said, yes. I asked her what she will do when she does. She said, "I am going to work harder. And I am going to listen." Then she said, "Mom, will you watch my routine again?" I replied, YES.

My Little Dancer

Sometimes, especially these days we are too liberal with our parenting. There was a time children had no voice, now they have too much rule. We have to remember they are still children. They need our guidance. They need to be pushed sometimes. I know that's what I wanted from my mother. And I could tell Lilli was relieved I did. She really didn't want to quit. She just needed a pep talk. She needed to be encouraged. And as I did so, I encouraged myself to keep huffing and puffing up those canyons. To keep opening space for my creative gifts and ideas to prosper. The old patterns are breaking in our home, and as they do, we are rising to new levels and territories- and I say, YES.

Today's Soul Tip:

Is there a place where you always quit? Is there an excuse you use when life becomes a bit unfamiliar? And when you allow yourself to quit, is there some relief? Like, I'm glad I don't have to deal with that person or class or job or...anymore." But what if, you pushed a bit more. Today, I walked up the canyon one more time. I pushed it just a bit more. And maybe the better word here is stretch. Push often seems forced, stretch is forgiving in all ways. I often quit before I see results, and yet the desires still remain. This has been frustrating. I'm not quitting this time. I'm committed to a steady climb. I'm stretching and expanding beyond anywhere I've ever been. I want this for my children, and I want it for all of you. Stretch------- and see those new territories expand.

Namaste,

The Soul Reporter