The Soxaholix

Have a Happy 4th

Hart Bracken — 2008-07-04T08:37:41-04:00

This too shall pass

Hart Bracken — 2008-07-03T09:13:44-04:00

Susan/Circle:
Ah, Jesus, swept by Tampon Bay? C'mon.

Mike:
Hey, now, let's chill a bit.

Mike:
Let's not forget that the 2004 Championship team was swept by Texas in May and was swept by the MFY's to staht July.

Mike:
And last year's Championship club was swept by Seattle in the June 5th series, was swept by Detroit in July, was swept by the MFY's in late August, and was swept by Toronto as late as mid-Septembah.

Mike:
These things happen.

Susan/Circle:
Frankly, I'm not really persuaded nor coaxed by comparisons.

Susan/Circle:
I mean a friggin' chimp shares 98% of the same DNA as a human, but last time I checked, a chimp's still a chimp.

Mike:
Yeah, well, head ovah to Reveah Beach this weekend and you may conclude the chimps got the bettah end of that deal.

Let he who has ears listen

Hart Bracken — 2008-07-02T09:22:55-04:00

A reading from the Book of Papi …

Mike:
… And after seasons of great joy, a shadow passed ovah the land …

Mike:
And even the stoutest of heart began to wondah, began to worry …

Mike:
And some began to speak of the most unspeakable things …

Mike:
And the false prophets, cowed and silenced during the good times, fed on the negative and their hoary voices again found listeners among the fearful …

Mike:
And the Big Man, El Papi, witnessed these dahk goings on and his most benevolent heart ached for his people …

Mike:
Thus he spoke:

"I'm going to activate myself even if I’m hurt because I have the sword that can control the beast of Manny Ramirez.

"Everything is going to be OK."

Mike:
And the people were made whole again and there was a great rejoicing.

Al:
Amen.

Doug:
Praise be the Ortiz!

Thou shalt not kill the rally

Hart Bracken — 2008-07-01T08:47:07-04:00

Bill:
Christ, it's going to take me awhile still to get my head around this no longah cellah dwellah Rays situation.

Bill:
I mean we just got sizzled in the first game of a 3 game series and now trail the Rays by a game and a half in the division, and my first reaction continues to be, Meh, it's only the Tay Bay Rays, who cares?

Mike:
Yeah, well, it's time to wake up — for the moment at least, the Rays are the real deal.

Bill:
Well, even if I wake up, it won't guarantee that Francoma will.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know, he's been the skip of two glorious Championship teams and henceforth is shielded from criticism, but still … Letting line-out lead bat Lugo bat with the tying run at third is insane.

Mike:
Ah, you know, it's not like Casey is hitting 7/20 .350 .381 .550 .931 versus LHP this season and .413 .489 .448 .937 in 368 ABs versus LHP over the last 3 seasons or anything.

Bill:
It's time for a group of dahk-suited Jehovah's Witnesses to stop by the Red Sox clubhouse and leave behind a few copies of AWAKE! magazine.

Mike:
Yeah, I heard the the next issue is going to be a special feature: "Is Julio Lugo the AntiChrist?"

Some damping down

Hart Bracken — 2008-06-30T09:26:10-04:00

Mike:
Waking up to a Monday is bad enough, waking up to a Monday in second place is a great abeyance.

Susan/Circle:
Memo to the pink hats: We've got a bullpen problem.

Mike:
What the frig has happened to Okajima?

Mike:
I mean I knew there'd be some regression from his off the chahts work last year, but I didn't think I'd need to dig out my black cassock.

Susan/Circle:
Seriously, Oki's supah stah trajectory is falling so rapidly I half expect to see a Page Six headline linking him to Amy Winehouse.

Mike:
So much for the promising "Doki Doki" secret pitch.

Susan/Circle:
So much for the "hero in the dahk."

Mike:
But while we're burying Okajima, let's not forget the othah troubles — Tek in the mothah of all slumps, Ellsbury struggling, and the usual zen-like Manny going all Bruce Bannistah on people.

Susan/Circle:
This is midseason, then, a modest aggrievance.

Mike:
And nothing a sweep of the Rays won't draw away like a poultice.

Some say they appear to be in a kind of trance

Hart Bracken — 2008-06-27T09:30:53-04:00

Bill:
Well, seems like only yestahday we were shoveling snow and watching guys stretch in Fort Meyers, yet here we are 81 games into the season and halfway to Octobah.

Doug:
Unbelievable how quickly this season has progressed. But, yeah, here we are with 81 in the books and only one game shy of last year's pace, which surprises me somewhat in that watching this team ovah the first 81, I feel they are even bettah than last year's club.

Bill:
Considering the injuries this season, being only one off of last year's pace supports the argument that maybe they are bettah than in '07.

Bill:
So any predictions for the 2nd half?

Doug:
Red Sox take the East, of course. Los Aneheims in the West. Maybe White Sox in the Central and, drumroll please, Tamba Bay with the wild cahd.

Bill:
What, no Yankees? Oh, the sacrilege.

Doug:
Yeah, right now from Chillicothe to Hackensack an army of Pinstripe homahs are hunkered ovah their dirty keyboards in a flurry of two-fingahed typing to tell us just how wrong we are.

Bill:
Honestly, though, I'd nevah completely count the Yankees out.

Doug:
Me neithah. I mean they are like the undead zombies in a Romero film.

Bill:
Yeah, I was watching the Yankees the other night, and defensively they are about as quick and limbah as the zombies in the graveyahd scene of Night of the Living Dead.

Doug:
But if you stumble or get cornered, they are all the fuck ovah your ass.

Interfatigue Play

Hart Bracken — 2008-06-26T09:34:53-04:00

Al:
Wicked Timmah!

Mike:
I like the way Red puts it: "Sometimes he's Shakey Wakey. Sometimes he's Tim the Enchanter. Sometimes he's the guy who's kicking your ass with an infuriatingly effective knuckleball." That was last night.

Al:
And how about the othah end of last night's energizah battery? Who knew Cash had some long ball in him?

Doug:
And now it's on to Houston and, thankfully, the end of interleague play.

Doug:
I mean Is it just me or has it seemed like this season's interleague play schedule was twice as long as normal?

Mike:
And 3 times as gimmicky.

Doug:
I know Selig and company are perpetually fighting the battle of increasing the revenue and popularity of the game, but this interleague interlude feels more tawdry and contrived with each passing season.

Al:
Who could have predicted that we'd be waiting with giddy anticipation to return to an AL East matchup with Tampa Bay?

Mike:
That's just it, isn't it? I mean any given season the rivalries within each division are exciting enough without having to resort to forced interleauge drama.

Doug:
Absolutely. I mean there's a reason we watch baseball and not Keeping Up with the Kardashians.

With the lilac tall ...

Hart Bracken — 2008-06-23T06:57:46-04:00

Your omniscient author in absentia:
Well, seems life isn't done throwing a few breaking pitches at us … Over the weekend my wife's grandmother passed away, so I'll be out of town Monday – Wednesday to travel to the funeral.

I'll see you back here Thursday morning.

To the great abeyance

Hart Bracken — 2008-06-20T08:57:28-04:00

Lisa the Temp:
As you know, peeps, Lisa has no interest in sports or the people who play sports.

Lisa the Temp:
But, that being said, even Lisa the Temp can appreciate the warm glow that has settle over the city these days.

Lisa the Temp:
You know, a pale subtle happiness of light and sunshine …

Lisa the Temp:
A feeling of bird-like freedom, bird-like altitude, bird-like exuberance …

Lisa the Temp:
And a third thing in which curiosity is united with a tender contempt.

Lisa the Temp:
Things are going so swell, peeps, that Lisa has been invited to spend the weekend on the Cape.

Lisa the Temp:
I've never been — But, oh, I hear it's lots of fun.

We'll be hearing this all season

Hart Bracken — 2008-06-19T09:51:51-04:00

Marty:
6 in a row Callaghan and gaining fast. Prepare to meet your maker, Masshole.

Bill:
Oooooooo, veeewee scaaawee!

Marty:
You can joke, but 4 back in the loss column isn't a laughing matter for you Sux fans.

Bill:
Mahty, puh-leeze. It's mid-June. Act like you've been to Octobah, Mahts. You're sounding more and more like sycophant for a first year franchise club.

Marty:
A-Rod is on fire. Johnny Damon (remember him?) also on fire.

Bill:
Ah, jeez, Mahty, enjoy those flames while they flickah, because let's face it, most of your guys are held together with cocktails of Praecis and Viagra.

Bill:
And your fahm system is so depleted that your having to go out and sign the Sidney Ponson's of this world.

Bill:
Meanwhile, we are so fucking stocked that we're wearing a rut on I-95 shuttling guys back and forth from Portland and Pawtucket. Why? Because we fucking can, Mahty, that's why.

Marty:
Hey, Ponson was pitching well in Texas this season.

Bill:
Mahty, listen to yourself fercrissakes.

Bill:
While you're getting wood for a washed out has been and general club house cancah, we've got a guy like Charlie Zink in AAA who is ready to step into a Majah League rotation right now but we've already got a knuckballah stahting.

Bill:
I mean, there's depth and then there's motherfucking depth, know what I mean, Mahty?

Marty:
You're going to need it all to handle the Yanks.

Bill:
Mahty, you know I'm kinda busy, so do you think you could spare me your drunk dialing and maybe call the Psychic Friends Network instead?

"The best basketball team in the known universe"

Hart Bracken — 2008-06-18T08:14:09-04:00

Rider on Green Line:
This day belongs entirely to the 2008 NBA Champions — The Boston Celtics.

As Bob Ryan writes,

Embrace it. Ogle it. Relish it.
But, above all, believe it.

City of Inferiorly Love

Hart Bracken — 2008-06-17T09:41:51-04:00

Al:
Jeez, that was ugly.

Mike:
Yeah, I'm sure all the hatahs in Philly are feeling rathah pompous this morning.

Doug:
You know it's one thing to hate on The Nation, but hitting Manny with the slandah is causa belli.

Mike:
Uh, what do you expect. Manny is way too enigmatic for the low brows in Philly to fathom …

Doug:
Seriously. We barely even understand The Man Man, and we're the most erudite fucking fans on the face of the planet.

Mike:
And you know, all this criticism might have more of a sting if Philly's most celebrated sports stah of the past 50 years wasn't a fictional charactah. I mean, how friggin sad is that?

Al:
"Yo, Adrienne? Adrienne? Where's my cheese steak?"

Mike:
Yeah, you can really empathize with their Red Sox Nation envy. Philadelphia has always been an ugly, afterthought of a city perpetually in the shadow of New York — But at least they could think they were bettah than Boston as long as we toiled with the so-called Curse.

Mike:
Now they've got nothing left but to dwell on the fact that none of their sports teams have won a championship in ovah 25 years.

Doug:
Hey, but at least they can kick the shit out of Boy Scouts.

Al:
That's right, Philly, keep on keepin it real.

In repose

Hart Bracken — 2008-06-16T09:47:34-04:00

Bill:
Watching the Red Sox this season just leaves me feeling contented.

Bill:
This club has such depth and easy-goingness to things — Matsuzaka goes on the DL? No probs, Masterson shines.

Bill:
Big Papí goes on the DL? Whatev. The offense actually improves without him.

Mike:
Remembah when people said Red Sox fans would hate winning and that we actually self-identified with catastrophe and failure?

Mike:
Yet here we are happy as we've evah been.

Bill:
Absolutely. I mean the meme that Red Sox fans actually liked losing even when couched in academic gobbledygook espousing the "Puritan jeremiad" etc. was 1 of the 3 biggest fallacies I've eveh experienced.

Mike:
Yeah, what were the othah 2?

Bill:
Ah, 1) that money can't buy you happiness …

Bill:
And 2) that if you stand up to a bully they'll somehow collapse in the face of your challenge and bravura.

Bill:
Not a whiff of truth to eithah bit of those two canahds.

Mike:
Yeah, I remembah standing up to Brick Murphy in the 3rd grade. Dude not only didn't magically wilt like a daisy but instead turned his sadism from a 5 up to 11.

Green Grow the Rushes, O

Hart Bracken — 2008-06-13T09:15:28-04:00

Your omniscient author in absentia:
No strip today as I so overslept, and now I'm in an enthusiastic torpor trying to catch up.

Many of you may be in similar circumstances from having stayed up into the wee hours replaying moments in your head from the Celtics improbable victory last night.

Seeing the forest and the trees

Hart Bracken — 2008-06-12T08:58:59-04:00

Bill:
I only have one thing to say today — Bartolo Colon.

Mike:
Holy shit, I'm watching him last night with mouth agape thinking How in the name of frig did we get this guy?

Bill:
Theo sees things.

Mike:
Seriously, if this were the 1690s, dude would burned at the stake for his unnatural, demonic powahs.

Bill:
I'm sure there are more than a few Yankees fans these who'd be happy to gathah wood for the fiah.

Mike:
Funny, who knew we'd see the day when people would chant "Yankees Suck" because it's true?