The Spider and the Sea-Scourge!

You know what’s weird? I might be crazy, but I don’t see any credits for this issue. I looked them up online.

Namor, the Sub-Mariner, has been busting up equipment in the ocean. Good for him.

Spidey finally checks out the docks and Deb Whitman’s uncle, which she asked Pete to do long ago. Uncle Whitman has a contract with the government to setup equipment in the ocean, but his crew is scared because of Namor’s activities. Spider-Man, being his usual helpful self, beats up the crew and chases them off. Then he leaves when Uncle Whitman asks him for help.

The next day Deb shows up at school whining about the whole thing, and Pete decides he better stop being a bitch and go help out. He becomes a crew member onboard the ship, along with some other crew members who apparently came back or something.

So we get Spider-Man vs. Namor in a battle on the high seas. Spider-Man actually kicks the crap out of Namor, which is pretty cool and unexpected. Eventually they finally sit down and have a chat and work things out amicably, with Namor helping the surface dwellers find a better spot for their gizmos.

This reads a little like an issue of Team-Up, though not as crappy.

Rating:

buy on amazon.com: single issue or dvd collection

Aliens and Illusions!

The cover of this issue features Spider-Man, Mysterio and Deb Whitman apparently floating in outer space. Spider-Man is punching the fishbowl off Mysterio’s head. Spidey’s legs are wrapped around Mysterio’s body. Deb has a very odd zero-gravity boob thing going on, and a major camel toe. One of Mysterio’s boots has a high heel. The whole thing is very, very weird and very, very bad. I read online that it’s a Frank Miller cover, but for some reason I find this hard to believe.

So we start where we left off, with Peter onboard a space ship with Mysterio and some supposed aliens. Mysterio wants the Dutch Mallone money, and the aliens are helping him in exchange for Mysterio’s help in taking over the world. Of course, it turns out to just be an elaborate ploy by Mysterio. The aliens are just dudes in alien masks, whom Pete / Spider-Man take care of quite easily.

This issue retcons the aliens’ earlier appearance in ASM 2, when they were working for the Tinkerer, so that they were actually movie extras and stuntmen then as well. One of them, apparently, was Quentin Beck, who went on to become Mysterio.

Not a bad issue, really. Mysterio stories can sometimes be formulaic, but for some reason I was a little more engaged this time around.

Rating:

buy this issue on amazon.com

Dilemma!

50th issue! Aliens on the cover! What could go wrong?!

We open immediately following the events of the last issue, with Spidey and the Smuggler mid-fight. Actually, Spidey pretty much has the Smuggler tied up, but doesn’t know what to do with him. Eventually he ends up getting the guy to the cops, more or less, and the reader is happy to finally be done with that.

Later, Pete takes Deb Whitman to an engagement dinner for his Aunt May. While there, they are attacked by aliens! Similar aliens to the ones that were working with the Tinkerer back in Amazing Spider-Man 2! It seems that the aliens want information from Aunt May about Dutch Mallone, the gangster who had money hidden in the Parker house. But that’s dumb, because why would aliens want money? Well, Peter finds out that the aliens are working for Mysterio! I’m guessing they aren’t even aliens.

There’s a weird recap of Spidey’s origin story in this issue. Did any readers in 1981 really not know this by now? Seems like a waste of space.

I liked the engagement party / alien story line. I could have done without the Smuggler bit bleeding in from last issue.

Rating:

buy this issue at amazon.com

Enter: The Smuggler

The cover promises “the long awaited return of the White Tiger” …my ass. That dude’s the worst. Luckily he’s in the second story in the issue, and Spidey isn’t, so I got to skip him.

The art on the splash page is great. It gets less good for a lot of the smaller panels, but is overall still enjoyable.

We open on Peter Parker trying to grade tests, but distracted by his recent unemployment and the knowledge that Madame Web knows that he is Spider-Man. Phil Chang shows up and they decide to go to find wild, wild women. Seriously.

En route they run into Tommy Li, a member of the White Dragon gang who looks like a woman. These White Dragon guys showed up before, in Amazing Spider-Man 184 and 185. Naturally, Phil and Pete decide to chase the ganglord through the streets. When Li gets away in a van, Pete jumps onto a nearby wall and starts climbing up it! Right next to Phil! Where’s there’s no way Phil couldn’t see! But, of course, since readers are apparently brain-dead, we’re asked to believe that Phil has no idea where Peter went.

That right there just about ruined the issue for me. Put some effort in, dudes.

Anyway, it turns out Tommy Li is involved with some scam with a guy named the Smuggler. Dude is completely two-dimensional. There’s no real drama, no real interest being generated. It’s a weak issue. It ends with Spider-Man and Smuggler mid- (boring-) fight.

Other news: Aunt May is engaged to Nathan Lubensky.

Rating:

buy this issue at amazon.com

The Fangs of Werewolf by Night

The cover for this issue has real photos of movie monsters in the background, and it’s totally distracting. I don’t like when comics mix real photos with the art, it totally takes me out of the experience.

The issue opens with Spider-Woman a quick flashback to last issue, which I appreciate. Some time, possibly immediately, after the last issue and the recap end, Hornet and Dr. Malus meet up at Scotty’s apartment. Malus injects Scotty with a booster of his serum, making the Hornet stronger and crazier. As Scotty calls Spider-Woman to set her up in a trap, we’re treated to a not atypical shot of Jessica Drew naked coming out of the shadow. This comic book just can’t resist, can it?

Ok, so she falls into the trap — which isn’t that much of a trap, since she knows she’s going to fight the Hornet. She just doesn’t know how strong he’s become. Big, uninspiring fight ensues and then when the Hornet has the upper hand… he leaves? That’s just dumb.

So given this setback, or whatever it is, Malus decides that the Hornet needs help in destroying Spider-Woman and phones Jack Russell, Werewolf by Night. The whole exchange is insultingly bad, but basically Malus tricks Russell into coming to see him.

When Malus and Russell meet up, Malus hooks up a gizmo to Russell’s body that basically enslaves Russell and allows Malus to control his transformations into the Werewolf.

Meanwhile Scotty/The Hornet has kidnapped himself and left a note for Spider-Woman telling her to meet him at a movie studio lot. The lot is set up as an old-west town, which I guess is a nice stage for a showdown. Malus and the Werewolf are also there. There’s another fight with all three of them and Malus on the sidelines. The Hornet goes batshit crazy and takes off. Spider-Woman removes the Werewolf’s gizmo and uncrazifies him, and the Werewolf is then able to go beat up Malus. Spider-Woman goes after the Hornet, subdues him, and discovers that he is actually Scotty.

I wanted to like this issue, and it had some potential, but it kept sabotaging itself. The cliched Spider-Woman sexiness just ruins things for me, the bad dialogue and contrived setup to involve Werewolf by Night totally take me out of the story. The issue could have had a very powerful ending, but instead a final couple panels are tagged on in which we learn that Scotty will recover completely by resting for a few days. Ugh. Why ruin it? Scotty being evil and crazy could have been awesome, and he’s such a boring character normally. The book just ended up being a disappointment.

Rating:

buy this issue at amazon.com

The Prophecy of Madame Web!

Here’s what I said when I saw the cover: “Ooooh, Madame Web! Awesome.” That cover and character design are seriously great.

The issue starts with Rupert Dockery, scumbag, instructing some goons to kidnap a lady and kill anybody that gets in the way. This is a new low, even for Dockery.

We then cut to Pete Parker, who is hanging with Deb Whitman as she heads to meet with a psychic, one Madame Web. Pete dismisses Web as “a garden-variety fraud” and leaves Deb to go to a meeting at the Globe. When he gets there he finds the Globe under lock down — nobody allowed into the editorial department before 5PM. Being the dastardly rule-breaker he is, Peter scoffs at this, changes into his Spidey duds, and heads on up anyways.

Up in editorial, Dockery is meeting with some bigwigs and introduces KJ Clayton, reclusive publisher of the Globe. She claims that she has finally come out of hiding in order to turn the paper over to Dockery. Just then, the masked goons we saw Dockery chatting with earlier burst into the meeting room. They move to grab Clayton, as Dockery had previously instructed them, but are interrupted by Spider-Man crashing through the window.

Spidey is able to beat the heck out of most of the gunmen, but one manages to get away with Clayton. Luckily, someone drops a clue — a flyer for Madame Web, the same psychic Deb Whitman was going to see! Hmmm….

Spidey naturally heads straight over to Web’s apartment, and discovers that Madame Web is fucking cool:

Anyway, Madame Web wasn’t kidding about the psychic bit. Though blind, Web is able to identify the flyer Spidey has as belonging to a student of hers, Belinda Bell, who is a model and actress. She also says that Bell was in danger, and complicit in deceit involving a powerful woman named Katrinka Janice Clayton. Aha!

So, as I’m sure you can guess, Dockery hired Bell to pretend to be the mysterious KJ Clayton, who he knew nobody had seen before. Pretending to be Clayton, she would turn the newspaper over to Dockery. Dockery then also orchestrated Bell’s kidnapping (and eventual murder) to hide the evidence. Dockery’s last bit of nastery, we learn, is to wipe out the real KJ Clayton. When all is said and done, he will be in control of the Globe.

Luckily, though, Web also points Spidey in the right direction for finding everybody he’s after. He manages to save both Bell and Clayton and capture Dockery.

In the aftermath, KJ Clayton retires and shuts down the Globe and, as a consequence, Peter is out of a job. As he considers his options, Peter receives a phone call from Madame Web, who congratulates Spider-Man on his success! Yes, her psychic powers have informed her of Spider-Man’s secret identity and Peter’s phone number. She also tells him, though, that his money troubles will soon be over — and we cut to J Jonah Jameson attempting to call Pete and offer him a job, only to receive a busy signal!

This issue was great, dude. Good, fun story, excellent pacing and I really, really love Madame Web. The art is such a drastic step up from that Marvel Team-Up 101 issue I read, that it’s sort of shocking. And finally, I’m glad Dockery is finally out of the picture; I never really enjoyed his character much, and it’s nice to see the books moving forward.

Note: This Madame Web is not the same as the Madam web that appeared in that one Hostess comic.

Rating:

buy on amazon.com: single issue or dvd collection

“To Judge a Nighthawk!”

The art in this is a really mixed bag. A lot of panels are very uninteresting, especially the backgrounds, and look like they’ve been crapped out really quickly. Some, though, are surprisingly bad-ass. Most of this bad-assedness seems to be coming from Esposito’s inks, which are really picking up the slack from Bingham and Sharen.

Kyle Richmond, a.k.a. Nighthawk, gets mixed up with a robot version of his dead girlfriend. It’s all some elaborate revenge plot masterminded by the actual dead girlfriend. See, everyone thought she died when Kyle was drunk driving 12 years earlier. It turns out, though, that she had just been paid off by Kyle’s dad after the accident and had been plotting this elaborate, dumb revenge ever since.

Unlike most of these issues, Nighthawk and Spider-Man don’t have a misunderstanding and fight. Instead, Spidey is just kinda helpful and they actually work together the whole time. The issue wasn’t especially good, but at least this change was refreshing. It made the whole thing a lot more readable.

Rating:

but this issue at amazon.com

Karma!

The 100th issue of Marvel Team-Up! Spidey and the Fantastic Four! Surely it must be amazing? I hope… This issue was apparently inspired by Ithacon ’79. Given the quality level the last time a story was inspired by a con, I’m not optimistic.

…and I was right to feel that way. The issue was bad enough that it took me almost a month to get through it and review it. Suck. The formula was exactly the same as usual for Team-Up: misunderstanding leads to heroes fighting, they make up, team-up, and triumph. I doze off.

Update: a lot of people really seem to like this issue. Maybe I’m crazy? I still think it’s bad.

Rating:

buy on amazon.com: single issue or trade paperback

The Book of the Vishanti

Despite the title on the cover (and, subsequently, this post), this actually is an Annual for Amazing Spider-Man Vol. 1. I’m not sure why they left out “the amazing” on the cover. It just seems weird.

This book features Dr. Strange and Dr. Doom, neither of whom I’ve read about in awhile. We open in Latveria, at Doom’s castle, where Doom’s assistant Dilby has finally, after 10 years of research, built a magic-science interface. He created a device that either is called or creates or gives him access to something called “the Bend Sinister”. That, my friends, is a cool name. This device transports a person to the dimension of the Dread Dormammu, and Doom sends Dilby on a little trip to said dimension to test the Bend Sinister out. Once there, Dilby is basically existing inside a nightmare. He meets Dormammu.

Later, Doom is hanging out in his castle watching Nazi movies, “to learn from them”. Ok. Dormammu interrupts him with news that Dilby has some new powers and is building magic robots with them, or something like that. I’m not exactly sure why, but Doom and Dormammu seem to have some sort of plan.

Some time passes I guess and we check in on New York City, where Dr. Strange is chilling out with a book. His studies are interrupted by the delivery of a mysterious, huge, glowing crate. Inside is one of those magic robots that Dilby was building, and Doc Strange accidentally activates it using his Eye of Agamotto. It turns out it’s a killer magic robot. The robot beats the snot out of Wong and Strange.

With little hope of defeating the killer magic robot, Strange ditches his body and takes his astral form out to look for help. This seems like a really good plan, except that there’s a whole bunch of astral demons outside his house, and they proceed to beat up his astral body! Dude can’t catch a break. Strange can’t ditch this and leave in an astral astral body (I assume), so his only recourse is to send out what he calls “a psychic flare”.

Now, this being a Spider-Man comic, the flare is naturally observed, though rather circuitously, by Peter Parker. Pete finds a reason to ditch the first-year chem class he’s teaching and heads out to Doc Strange’s rescue. He finds just enough time to break a date with Deb Whitman, though, because that’s how Peter rolls. Pete eventually arrives at Strange’s Sanctum, fights off a couple gargoyles, and shoots webbing right into the face of one of Dr. Strange’s neighbours (what a dick), and finally he also fights off some weird yellow demons. This bit had some decent action. Spidey finally makes his way inside. He finds Wong, who tells him that Dr. Strange has been abducted.

Meanwhile, Doc Strange is tussled up under the command of Dilby. It turns out creating the Bend Sinister requires a human sacrifice; that sacrifice is to be Strange.

This is where things get stupid. For some reason (lame gimmick writing) Dilby is holding Strange a CBGB, the punk club. When Pete arrives there, Dilby somehow manages to brainwash everybody, including the band Shrapnel, into marching around and chanting “Bend Sinister”. I guess that’s part of the ritual to create the Bend Sinister? The parade of people grows as they pass through different parts of Manhattan, until the whole crew ends up in Central Park. Then there’s a lot of business about the moon and a huge crystal and eldritch this and darkling that.

Spidey goes in for the attack, fights killer magic robot, and ends up smashing the robot into the giant evil crystal. That pretty much saves the day!

There are some totally sweet panels in this. I don’t totally understand the credits on the issue, but I assume it was penciled by Frank Miller. A lot of it looks awesome. The issue had good pacing and had me interested up until the last act or so. Overall it was still good, I just wish the ending had been tighter.

Rating:

And Machine Man Makes 3

I liked Machine Man in the MTU Annual I just read, so I was excited about this team-up between him and Spidey, fighting Baron Brimstone and Sandman. By the way, I don’t know if Sandman’s costume will ever change again, but I certainly hope so. His current costume is sooooo bad.

Baron Brimstone breaks himself and the Sandman out of prison. Brimstone has a vendetta against Machine Man, and he’s bringing Sandman along for the ride. When Peter Parker hears of the prison escape, he involves himself. From there this takes a very stale, very predictable course for Marvel Team-Up: Spidey and Machine Man encounter each other; fight for no reason, allowing the bad guys to escape; put aside their differences and team-up; and finally, beat the bad guy and save the girl. So many issues of Team-Up play out exactly like this (including the Annual I just read, though at least that was a little longer and more interesting).

So, unfortunately, the good times with Machine Man that I was hoping for ended up fairly stale. Ho hum.

Rating:

Monster in the Meadow / Payoff / Heroes for Hire / The Men and the Machine / Confrontations

As tends to be the case with annuals, this is a big honking issue. Unfortunately, Spider-Man only appears very briefly, observing a fight between a blackmailer and Luke Cage and Iron Fist.

The issue is a bit convoluted and long, but overall a decent read. Some of the art is nice.

Rating:

The Sting of the Hornet

This issue starts out pretty bad-ass. Scotty is having a dream in which he’s a flying super-villain named the Hornet, and fighting Spider-Woman. When he wakes up he questions it, because he actually loves Spider-Woman. BUT his unrequited love is only a few steps removed from rage, and he ends up smashing his apartment up a bit (with uncharacteristic strength). When there’s a knock on the door, a stoner delivery man with a mysterious package pisses Scotty off even more, calling him “the White Rock girl“. That’s when Scotty passes by a mirror and sees, growing from his back, a pair of wings! :O

New wings — that work! — and new strength. And, when Scotty opens the package, he discovers a new Hornet costume, identical to the one in his dream. Scotty’s new power, new outfit, and his precarious mental state transform him into the Hornet, who seems to be a bit of a hateful jerk.

Later we learn this is all the plan of Dr. Malus, the same crazy who was working with the Fly and the Enforcer, and who rescued Scotty in the last issue. The motivation for said rescue is now clear, as Malus used it as an opportunity to drug Scotty and use him to his own ends. Those ends are a bit unclear, but maybe I just don’t understand criminal genius.

This was a great issue, at least by Spider-Woman standards. Hurrah!

Rating:

To Salvage My Honor!

As you may know, I’m not normally a fan of Kraven. However, I think he’s probably better than the lame-ass parade of goons from the last while. Spidey hasn’t really faced a real villain since the Vulture in Spectacular 44 & 45. Combined with all the Spider-Woman I’ve been reading, this has been a really boring stretch.

We open on Kraven and a lady named Calypso, somewhere in the Caribbean. Calypso is busing goading Kraven, who is lamenting the dirty tactics he has employed against Spider-Man of late. But it looks like he will soon have a chance to redeem himself, as they prepare to ship some animals to New York.

Once there, Calypso frees all the animals, causing a stampede and forcing Kraven into action. He and Spidey actually kinda work together to set things right. Later Calypso claims Spider-Man was actually the one who opened the animals’ cages, and the slaps Kraven in the face and calls him a coward. I think Kraven could do better, this chick seems like a bitch. But, she manages to convince Kraven to go after Spidey.

They end up fighting in the Museum of Natural History where Spider-Man puts in a quite lousy performance. Some posturing from Kraven and dumb luck let him come out on top, but he really should have died.

A couple of b-plots worth mentioning: first, Deb Whitman’s uncle is in some kind of trouble, which she asks Peter to help out with. He’s a dick, of course, and refuses. But later he feels guilty and heads out to the docks as Spidey to investigate. Second: Rupert Dockery is still being a sleaze at the Globe, and when he gives Pete a dirty assignment, Pete refuses.

I enjoyed this issue. Kraven was a lot more of a real, balanced character than he normally is.

Rating:

A team-up with Spider-Man and the Black Widow. Comic Book DB calls this “The Fatal Attraction of the Black Widow”, but I don’t see where they got that title. The bad guy on the front cover looks like Wolverine. Is it him? Read on!

Spider-Man is patrolling and spies the Black Widow on a gig. They’re both after some arms smugglers; Spidey wants to team-up but BW doesn’t. This ends up being a fairly by-the-numbers crime story — Spidey and Widow both follow some leads and end up at the mansion of a bad guy, just in time for a huge crime convention. It turns out the big bad is not Wolverine, but the Owl. He was in Marvel Team-Up 73 with Spider-Man and Daredevil, in which he was soundly trounced. Now, he’s pissed.

Spidey is fairly often facing dudes who want to clean out all the cities gangs and take over. This isn’t much different than normal. The writing here isn’t great, but the issue is more or less enjoyable.

Oh, I don’t really like Will Meugniot’s inks. Everything just seems kinda dirty. Or maybe it’s just the printing?

BTW, part of me wonders if I should be reading Black Widow comics along with everything else. I mean, she’s a spider-related super-hero right? But then the number of comics to read would probably double, and I can’t really have that. Oh well.

Rating:

Doctor of Madness

Another Marvel Team-Up, this time with the Hulk and Spider-Woman! Let me say right off, from the first page, the Hulk looks freaking weird here. Kind of like Blanka from Street Fighter II, or green Nick Nolte.

The story starts with the Hulk in Jude, New Mexico facing off with a Sheriff Bradley Martin. Predictably, men make Hulk made and Hulk smash. Nearby, Jessica Drew happens to be pulling into town on a bus. Apparently the town is home to a group smuggling criminals out of the country. Finally, we learn that the Sheriff is in cahoots with someone named Doc Benway, a potentially mad scientist who is interested in capturing the Hulk.

Quickly:

• Benway turns Hulk into Bruce Banner and captures him.
• Spider-Woman tracks criminal Johnny Yen to Benway’s “clinic” (i.e. the smuggling HQ).
• She discovers that Benway’s got weird beasties about his villa, which are apparently mutated criminals. So they aren’t so much smuggled as experimented on.
• Benway shoots Spider-Woman in the face with a raygun and captures her.
• He explains his dastardly plan

OK here’s the Doc’s plan: lure criminals to his villa with the promise of escape, transplant their brains into weird fantastical monsters which can be used to conquer other planets (what?), sell the organs from their original bodies to make money.

Here’s why it doesn’t make sense: Spider-Woman stumbles upon Johnny Yen in some sort of transformed state on an operating table. It’s clearly Yen, but mutated into some kinda half-bear or something. It is not just Yen’s brain in a weird man-bear body. So that’s a major contradiction within the span of about a page and a half. Also, why the hell does Benway care about making creatures “that can survive on the hostile worlds that mankind must someday conquer”? That’s just stupid.

Spider-Woman escapes her confines, finds and rescues Banner, he hulks out and then there’s a big brawl. Then we find out that the creatures aren’t even alive, they’re robots. Huh?! So are they robots with criminal brains? Or is that completely unrelated? This makes no sense. Whatever, then some shit happens and it ends. Good guys win.

This was horrid. Ugh, I just want to read some good comics!

Rating:

Come Into My Parlor — Said The Fly!

Note: I read this in the wrong spot. It should come before Rupert Dockery goes to New York, so between Spider-Woman 29 and Amazing Spider-Man 208.

Action right off the bat! As Spider-Woman is talking to one Dr. Pederson about the possibility of curing Scotty McDowell, the Fly crashes into the lab. Yes, this is the same Fly that Spider-Man has fought before. He just swoops in and clocks Spider-Woman. It’s pretty brazen and cool. After receiving one of S-W’s venom blasts, he takes a powder. It’s unclear what he wanted, but he certainly screwed up the lab and in the process messed up Scotty’s cryogenic chamber. Spider-Woman fixes it basically by bashing it up more.

Later, we learn that Spider-Woman still has theft charges against her from hooking up with the Enforcer.

Also later, Rupert Dockery is about to accept his National Press Award when he is visited by an angry Enforcer. I thought that guy was in prison… Well, he knows all about Dockery’s earlier machinations and manipulations and he’s none too impressed. When Dockery cops to the whole thing, it is revealed that “the Enforcer” who visited him is actually Spider-Woman, and that the whole encounter was a set-up organized by her and Captain Walsh, in order to clear Spider-Woman’s name. Walsh sticks it Dockery and basically orders him out of town.

Meanwhile the Fly is being seen to by a creepazoid doctor, Dr. Malus. Malus (re-)warns the Fly that his powers are weakening and that the only way to restore them is for Malus to transfer some other super-human’s powers to him. Their choice? Spider-Woman, of course. That is why the Fly was at the hospital earlier, tangling with Spider-Woman.

The Fly goes out to finder Spider-Woman again, and forces a meeting by wrecking some streets up and putting innocent bystanders at risk. The Fly’s plan, it seems, is to take another venom blast. He does, then splits, but not before Spider-Woman rips some contraption off his arm.

A few days pass. We learn that Malus had installed what were basically batteries on the Fly’s arms — on of which Spider-Woman got — to absorb the venom blast’s energy. Learning from said energy, he learns about Spider-Woman’s limitation of one venom blast at a time, and her need for recharging it. I don’t really know if that’s super relevant.

That night, the Fly returns to the hospital and kidnaps Scotty from right in front of poor Dr. Pederson. However, it turns out Dr. Pederson was actually Spider-Woman in disguise. The disguise thing is getting ridiculous. It’s like Scooby Doo up in this series. Spider-Woman follows the Fly back to Malus’s lab, they fight, Somehow Spider-Woman deduces their plan, which, to be honest, is not clear or obvious at all. That’s cheap writing.

I was actually digging the issue up until this point, but it just gets filled up with a lot of needless weird exposition, which really slows down what should be an exciting encounter. When Malus is cornered he admits that he’s the one that created the Enforcer’s darts, and he offers to help cure Scotty in exchange for nothing… after saving Scotty he readily agrees to go to prison with the Fly. That’s just odd. But Scotty’s back to normal, so that’s good?

I really liked the first 3/4 of this issue, or maybe 2/3, and then it totally fell apart. The climax seemed rushed and uninteresting, the writing got sloppy, and the whole thing just ended up fizzling into yet another non-sensical snoozefest.

Rating:

Panic in the Park

This whole issue, the whole thing, was done by Alan Kupperberg. That’s nuts.

This is a team-up between Spider-Man and Howard the Duck. A lot of people like Howard the Duck. I am not one of them. Waugh!

This takes place immediately after the end of Amazing Spider-Man 208. Once again, the issue opens with a traffic jam. This time, though, Howard the Duck, cab driver, is stuck in it. He has driven a “weirdo…bozo” from Cleveland to New York City and is in a fowl mood. HA! SEE WHAT I DID THERE?!

Unfortunately, that joke I just made is better than this entire issue. Onwards…

For no reason the guy in the cab introduces himself as Status Quo and starts telling a boring origin story:

Listen, writers: if your characters know that a story is boring, how do you think your readers are going to like it? So this dude is basically a square that’s annoyed by new fads and things changing. He has made it his goal to “destroy the faddists”. His plan is to use subliminal messages and the media to attract followers…and then use them for something? This, of course, is ridiculous, and not in a way that’s even remotely entertaining.

HowDu drops Status Quo off at the park to recruit more followers. He causes some sort of commotion, which a world-weary Peter Parker sees on his TV back home. Pete also happens to see Howard there and, because apparently his spider sense now operates through television, Pete decides to go check the whole thing out.

Check out this great panel about jogging:

So ya, Status Quo incites a riot. He also hands out “explosive TNT frisbees” and “jet-propelled skate-boards”. I hate this issue.

Nothing much really happens for awhile, until Spider-Man compares Status Quo to Hitler and says that this whole thing is about human rights.

Then nothing again for awhile, until Spidey and Howard both separately attack Status Quo. Howard basically just talks SQ out of the whole thing in the space of a couple panels, Status Quo gets arrested, and everybody goes home.

This was horrible. It read like a really shitty, really long hostess ad. I hated it.

Rating:

Fusion!

This issue begins with a shoutout to the fans at Maplecon II in Ottawa for creating the Fusion premise. Hurray for CanCon! Boo for a terrible idea! Read on dear friends…

Spider-Man is back from his jaunt in Los Angeles. As he swings through Manhattan he decides to stop to help out at the scene of a car accident and traffic jam. Not a very exciting start, but not every issue can be super villains and apocalypse, I suppose. As is fairly predictable, Spidey’s attempt at help only angers those involved. He gets called a commie. You would think this scene might have something to do with the rest of the issue, but you’d be wrong.

Next we jump to a science lab, where we meet Hubert and Pinky Fusser, little-people twins. Hubert, a scientist at the lab, is rushing ahead with his research on an untested, unchecked sub-atomic particle accelerator, despite the warnings of his janitor brother, Pinky. As Hubert says, “surely nothing can go wrong.” Shockingly, though, there is “a burst of raw energy as hundred trillian (sic) name less (sic) specks of matter are unleashed”. This, naturally, results in Hubert and Pinky fusing together into a glowing mess of a man.

Cut to the Daily Globe, where Peter is late for an important meeting. We, and he, learn that Rupert Dockery – who you may remember as the owner of the Los Angeles Courier in Spider-Woman – has been brought in as the new circulation manager! (Note: although Peter knows of Dockery from his time in LA, that’s not something he can really let on about. He keeps his trap shut.) Pete also learns that Barney Bushkin has hired another photographer, one Lance Bannon. I smell trouble!

Peter, feeling sorry for himself, meets up with his Aunt May at some hospital where she’s visiting Anna Watson. At this point I, the reader, am crazy bored. Aunt May scenes have a tendency to be little more than filler lately, in my opinion. This is no exception really… after some chitchat, Pete’s spider sense starts to go nuts, and after finding a place to change, he eventually comes across the fused Fusser twins. It’s not clear why they are in a hospital terrorizing nurses. When Spidey attempts to talk Fusion up, he just leaps out the window.

Chase time! It turns out Fusion has the powers to expel huge amounts of kinetic energy when touched, and to absorb energy from things like falling or running into stuff, and also from engines and lights and stuff like that. It also turns out that, though they are fused, Pinky and Herbert can’t agree about what they should be doing and, in their disagreement, they actually can de-fuse and go their separate ways. However, they can’t get very far apart before they start suffering; I can’t tell if they’re in pain or what, but it’s not good. Kinda like that episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation when Picard and Dr. Crusher have those things and they can’t separate and then they can read each others’ thoughts and Beverly discovers that Picard has a huge boner for her. But I digress.

So anyway, they are de-fused and then they refuse and there’s this whole long stretch where Spider-Man really should have caught up them, but he doesn’t. Instead he just heads back to hang out with Aunt May and Anna Watson.

Later, Spidey eventually finds Fusion and tries to fight him. It doesn’t really work out. Also, the part that’s Hubert is all about staying fused and absorbing tons of energy and throwing Spidey around, but the Pinky part just wants to go home. So, you know, there’s internal conflict AND external conflict ALL AT ONCE. So anyway, the only way Spidey is actually able to defeat Fusion is by taking advantage of this internal conflict; he convinces Pinky to de-fuse with his brother and distance himself enough that they become weakened.

Once separated, we get this classic line from Spider-Man:

“They’re two harmless-looking midgets!”.

So that’s about it. A pretty lame-ass, boring conclusion to a pretty lame-ass boring issue. I guess the idea wasn’t terrible, but it was pretty clichéd and it certainly didn’t overcome that at all. The whole thing seems like it was banged out quickly and without much thought. Weak.

Rating:

Blacked Out — By the Enforcer!

That Scotty Should Not Die!
Writing: Michael Fleisher
Penciling: Stephen Leialoha
Inking: Michael Esposito
Lettering & Coloring: Parker, Hannigan
Originally published: July 1980

Spider-Man is Dead — And I Killed Him!
Script by: Michael Fleisher
Art by: Ernie Chan, Frank Springer
Colors by: Ben Sean
Letters by: Diana Albers
Originally published: August 1980

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu

I had written a super long post about these three issues and when I hit “publish” it totally disappeared. Aaaaaaaagh!

So mad. I’m not rewriting it. FUCK!

Rating:

Writers: Brian Michael Bendis, Brian Reed
Pencils, Inks & Colors: Jonathan Luna
Layouts: Joshua Luna
Letterer: Cory Petit
Originally published: June 2006

No idea if this is placed correctly. When I was last reading about Spider-Woman, in Spider-Woman 21-26, she was basically doing crime fighting and bounty hunting with a guy named Scotty. When I last read Spider-Woman Origin I was pretty sure I had misplaced stuff. The recap in the beginning of this issue says that Nick Fury reached out to Jessica with an offer for her to work with SHIELD, which she declined, and that he told her that her parents were alive. I don’t remember this, nor do I understand how it all fits together.

So this opens with Jessica strangling Nick Fury and demanding to know where her parents are. She agrees to work with Fury so they can help each other. Fury tells her that her dad was working for Hydra and that her mom has been hiding, but has recently turned up in NYC. When Jessica arrives at the apartment, she finds some Hydra agents and her mom’s body — recently murdered by some clown named Whiplash. Jess also finds documents about something called “Athena Device Mk 2″. Oooh.

Jess takes off, and later winds up hobnobbing undercover on the yacht of one Otto Vermis. When Whiplash shows up, though, the jig is up. Interestingly, while she is taking to Vermis, at one point Jessica sees him with a cow head, like Bova. I think she’s still screwy in the brain, which gives credence to my theories about past issues. Anyway, Jess has no choice but to toss herself into the shark-infested ocean to get away. Also she blows up the boat with Vermis and Whiplash on it.

Jess I guess found out enough to discover where this Athena was, because she heads out to some oil rig that seems to be the Athena HQ and finds her dad working there. And, that’s the end of issue 4.

This was OK. It seemed to move too quickly, or leave too much out, but I might just be used to exposition-saturated bronze age comics at the moment. The story’s interesting, though, I like it.

In the final issue of this limited series, we open on Madame Hydra arriving at the Athena place and meeting up with a wheelchair-bound General Wyndham. He’s all disfigured and gross. I had been assuming that General Wyndham was Vermis, but it’s made clear here that he’s not. That said, it could still be that the mind-probes from previous issues still caused Jessica to confuse them.

Anyway, Jess is talking with her dad and confirms that he’s a Hydra jerk. He’s simply interested in testing her so her can further Hydra’s experiments with Athena, which is basically a project to make more Spider-Women. When Jessica gets pissed, though, she sees her dad as some kind of Wolf thing and then others from her past — mindprobe brain/psychological damage again. In fact, her dad basically says as much.

Jessica’s response is to basically fly off the handle, blow everything up, and beat the snot out of every Hydra agent she finds. Hydra’s response is to “wake them up” — and then she’s faced with a shit-ton of other Spider-Women. So she beats the hell out of them, too. Madame Hydra gets pissed when Dr. Drew won’t leave, so she shoots his face off. The whole place explodes like crazyballs. Eventually, SHIELD finds Jess floating in the water. The apparently picked up Madame Hydra too.

In the end, Jess is depressed but has an open invitation to work with SHIELD. She gives Fury her card for Drew Investigations and they say their goodbyes. THE END.

So I guess these were probably in the right place, chronology-wise. That’s good.

Again, I more or less liked this. The ending was a little weak, but whatever. For some reason, the Luna Brothers characters sometimes remind me of Lego people.

Rating:

A Night on the Prowl!

Double Defeat!
Writer: Roger Stern
Penciler: Marie Severin
Inker: Bruce Patterson
Letterer: Rick Parker
Colorist: Ben Sean
Originally published: November 1980

Pete’s enjoying a cup of joe at a local pub (on a date with Deb Whitman) when a news report comes on claiming that Spider-Man has been involved in a series of break-ins that have led to a death. “Oh, no!” says he.

Turns out the break-ins have all been against people in the fashion business. Can we see where this is headed? Yes. Do we like it? No. The robber doesn’t sound like Spidey, despite what the victims claim, but Pete has a hunch that it may be — the Prowler! But Hobie Brown’s gone legit, so that doesn’t make much sense. Spidey pays him a visit and they discover that his Prowler gear has been stolen! Spidey goes looking for the new Prowler.

Meanwhile, we see what this Prowler has been up to — consorting with none other than Belladonna, as expected. It turns out the new Prowler is the former Cat Burglar, and he’s been hired by Belladonna to knock over these fashion designers. But to what end?!

The next day, Spidey and the new Prowler finally meet up, with Prowler leading Spidey into a well-orchestrated trap. Unfortunately for the Prowler, it snares him too. Belladonna ends up with both guys locked in an air-tight room, and starts pumping in the gas. Can they escape? Probably, yes.

In the next issue, things are looking grim for Spider-Man and the new Prowler. BUT THEN THEY GET OUT! And Spidey has the Prowler arrested. But, there’s still Belladonna to deal with. Also, the Prowler gets away later.

JJJ gives Peter a ring, Pete and Deb have some more bonding time, Pete’s stuffed beardog burns down, Aunt May and Peter have some chitchat: good times all around.

Eventually we all learn the Belladonna is really Narda Ravanna, a bitter fashion/cosmetics maven out for revenge. OK. Eventually, everything comes to a head and everyone goes off to jail. Hurray!

I liked this story, actually. It was fun and had good pacing. Well-done.

Rating:

Vengeance is Mine–Sayeth the Sword!

For continuity purposes I’ve split this issue up and thrown a whole mess of comics in the middle. This is the first part (up to the end of the 5th page of comic, which is numbered as ’7′).

It’s midnight, and our friendly neighbourhood Spider-Man is checking out what appears to be a robbery at the waterfront. Just as he’s about to intervene, a masked figure with a sword descends and takes out the thieves for him. It’s Raper! He’s pretty suave. Spidey, recognizing that he may be outclassed, decides to help out a little.

Once they’re done cleaning up the mess, Spidey and Rapier exchange some pleasantries, and both are off…

Split like this, it’s just a short and sweet encounter, and definitely piques my interest for later.

Rating:

The Vengeance Gambit!

Wings of Fire, Wings of Fear
Writer: Roger Stern
Penciler: Marie Severin
Inker: Steve Mitchell
Letterer: Michael Higgins
Colorist: Glynis Wein
Originally published: August 1980

Winter in New York. Spidey is swinging about NYC and witnesses an important-looking funeral procession. What Spidey doesn’t realize is that it’s a mob (or some kind of gang) funeral. At the funeral, this one jerk who is in charge — Malachai — is mouthing off about how his uncle is taking over the city’s crime scene, and how the dead guy shouldn’t have listened to the uncle, and how the uncle is now giving all these other gangsters a chance to prove themselves by stealing certain things.

The next day one of these hoods, a Harry Dolenz, is in Chinatown to try to get the item requested of him. It’s Chinese New Year. He gets killed. At the same time Spidey has been swinging around taking pictures of the New Year celebrations for the Globe. When he gets home, he doesn’t discover that he inadvertently captured the dude’s murder on film, but we do. The next morning he turns them into Barney Bushkin and they eventually notice that shot.

Ok…then basically some uninteresting gang struggle stuff happens for a bit, some of which involves Spidey. Eventually we find out that the Vulture — Adrian Toomes — is behind everything. He’s Malachai’s uncle. Spidey shows up to the funeral home (I think?) where the baddies are all holding out, but he ends up getting chained down inside a coffin that’s heading towards cremation.

CLIFFHANGER!

The next issue begins with Spidey again en route to a firey demise. He, of course, gets out in pretty short order. He gets the toughs, but the Vulture and Malachai escape. Ah, but so did Black Alfred, a gangster with ambition, and he’s none too happy with the Vulture. Alfred shoots at the old man, but Malachai jumps in the path of the bullet. Vulture wails on Black Alfred like crazy, but then Spidey shows up again and stops Vulture from killing the guy. When the cops show up, the Vulture takes off again and Spider-Man pursues.

Mid-air fight! They wind up crashing through some windows into Grand Central Station. Vulture ends up taking himself out by flying hard into a glass panel. So Spidey kinda wins I guess?

These issues were kinda dry and boring. Not terrible for any specific reason, but they just really didn’t hold my interest.

Rating:

Spider-Man Vs. The Hulk! at the Winter Olympics

God-awful. One (hyphenated) word: web-skis.

This is an insane story, overly complex with no reason or payoff, insanely long and boring. The only cool thing was seeing hulk in battle armor, but he ditched that pretty quickly.

If you don’t care about the really boring plot, skip to the last paragraph.

The holidays are over and it’s time for the 1980 Winter Olympics in Lake Placid, New York. We open at the Olympic Village, one night before the events are to start, where skater Maria Karsov is being kidnapped by some creepy-looking weirdos. They are Digger, Boulder, Landslide and Water-Witch: the Outcasts. Spider-Man fights them, but it turns out they were maybe actually trying to protect the athlete — while all this is going on, a weird giant diamond rises up through the ground, envelops Karsov, and sucks her back into the Earth. The Outcasts get away.

Later, we find out that Karsov is the third athlete to go missing like this. There’s a bunch of talking and exposition that bores everybody.

The next morning the Hulk is jumping around like a lunatic when he gets captured by one of the weird diamond things. He breaks out, and then some “lava men” attack him with a “lava catapult” and some “carbonizers” and “flame-guns”. Hulk takes care of them and enters their cave and eventually meets Queen Kala, Monarch of all Subterranea. She wants the Hulk to help defeat her enemies and to be her king (or so she says).

The next day, a skier named Brad Rossi is competing. He went to Midtown High with Peter Parker. There’s a full freaking page describing his ski-jumping, in detail. Gimme a break. As Rossi is performing a second jump, he gets eaten by one of the big diamonds and sucked into the Earth. The crowd is upset, the readers not so much.

As Spidey attempts to help Brad, the Outcasts show up again and they all fight for no reason at all. It’s dumb and annoying. The Outcasts overpower Spider-Man and knock him out. When he awakes he finds himself underground, in the presence of the Mole Man. There’s a lot more boring exposition and it turns out he’s the enemy Kala wants vanquished and Mole Man, it seems, would like her defeated as well. See, Mole Man has a fountain of youth that Kala wants. Mole Man won’t let her in because she spurned him. Kala’s ridiculous plan is to have the kidnapped Olympic athletes fight the Outcasts. Mole Man doesn’t know that Kala also has the Hulk, and Kala doesn’t know that Mole Man also has Spider-Man. Ugh.

Lots of fighting. Hulk fights because he’s drugged and under mind control, Spider-Man fights because Mole Man threatens to destroy the Olympic Village, the athletes fight because Kala is holding Brad’s girlfriend hostage. The athletes get some ridiculous equipment: Brad gets “rocket skis and power poles”, Maria gets “super-skates”, Claude Lebron gets a “bomb-sled” and Bobby Lyle gets a “super-stick that fires power pucks”. You know what you could give them instead, Kala? Guns. Or anything not dumb. But, these are apparently the “most advanced weapons known to subterranean science”.

I can’t believe how much I hate this comic. I can’t describe any more. In the end it all works out. Fine, done.

Rating:

In the Hands of Bullseye

This being a Daredevil comic, I really have no idea what’s going on. The issue starts with an epilogue to (I assume) the previous issue, which I have not read. Then the story begins, and I really don’t care about most of it.

Here’s the skinny for my purposes: some crap is happening, and while it’s happening, Peter and Mary-Jane walk by in one panel. Matt Murdock is jealous of them.

Rating: