Having it all

What did I just say?!

2012-02-03T22:58:00.001-06:00

I've been wanting to write a blog post about this for a while. It seems like every day I hear words come out of my mouth that I can't believe I'm actually saying. Here are a few of my favorites:

"Get out of the dishwasher"

"Don't share your sucky (pacifier) with the dog"

"Did you poop your pants?"

"We don't eat paper"

"Please don't pee on me"

"We don't eat Dog's food"

"Get your head out of the dryer"

"Where are your (tennis) balls?"

We've got a cruiser!

2011-09-11T21:37:00.001-05:00

Wow! Month 7 and month 8 seem to have been the busiest months yet! In the past 2 months, Cole has grown 2 teeth, started crawling, started pulling up and standing, and saying "mama." We've also started sleeping 10+ hours at night, which has been pure bliss!


What a ham!


I love his curiosity.

My little boy

2011-07-31T23:08:00.003-05:00

I just realized that I don't post enough pictures of my little man on here. I must be a terrible mother.

Turns out, my little man is not so "little" anymore. He weighs about 18 pounds, is 28 inches tall, and tries to eat everything in sight. He has 1 tooth and eats baby food as well as fresh fruits and vegetables. I would say his favorite food he has tried so far is cantaloupe, although he's not really picky. To date, he has not turned away a single piece of food that has been offered to him. LOL.

Here he is with a piece of celery.

He sleeps good at night and naps well throughout the day. His favorite activity right now is probably standing. He loves to stand up with our assistance, although he can't balance himself yet. But he likes to try to take steps and reach to the ground for his toys.

Here he is with his Auntie.

At 7 months, he's not quite crawling yet but I don't think it will be long. He currently "crawls" in a circle and doesn't appreciate being on his tummy for very long, but I think that will change when he figures out he can move himself. We usually put a blanket underneath him when he's on the floor, and instead of crawling to his toys, he pulls the blanket towards him to get them. Working smarter, not harder! ;-)

He likes to play, but when he's tired, he's tired. I have never seen a child scream so bad to be put in his bed to go to sleep. Most kids enjoy being rocked and cuddled. And so did Cole. Now, the only time I get cuddles is in the morning when no one else is awake - and that's only if I'm lucky. But Mike? He gets cuddles and the joy of rocking him to sleep on most nights. It must be their "man time." I swear that boy never lets me rock him to sleep like he lets his Daddy do it!

Rocking with Daddy.

He never meets a stranger. He LOVES attention and will smile and flirt with anyone who walks by.

Who wouldn't love this face?

Having a baby and all, part 2

2011-07-12T23:42:00.001-05:00

We had talked about it off and on, and the truth is, I didn't really want to quit working. I like working. I like making money and building my career. And truthfully, I never really saw myself as being the stay-at-home type. I was scared.

What if I stay at home and get bored being "just Mom"? How will this departure affect me if and when I decide to return to the workplace? Do I have what it takes to stay at home and be a good mom? What if it makes the depression and anxiety worse?

There were a lot of what if's. That's what took me so long to decide. I kept looking for a sign. I prayed about it, and I felt sure that I would recognize the sign and know what it was that I was supposed to do. I was waiting for the right moment, the right sign. That security of knowing exactly what I should do.

I guess you could say I didn't get quite what I was expecting. The truth is, I didn't know if I was doing the right thing.

But I guess necessity breeds invention and some things you learn after the fact. A family friend told me recently that I looked as though the stress had just "faded away" from my face. The funny thing about that is that she had no idea what had been going on.

What I do know is that I am truly enjoying being at home with my little man. I feel better. I look better. I am a lot less stressed and I am happier. And I guess it shows.

Having a baby and all, part 1

2011-07-12T22:44:00.000-05:00

This is a really hard post for me to write. Usually, I don't write about inside personal struggles; but I feel compelled to talk about it because I think it's a topic that is often ignored or looked over.

For the past few months, I've been struggling with depression and anxiety. I'm self-diagnosing it postpartum depression and anxiety, since I just had a baby.

My world changed. Once sleep-filled Saturdays turned into 2 a.m. necessity baths and 9 p.m. whatever dinners. Even when Cole's sleeping, I'm constantly doing one thing after the other: picking up, making bottles, showering. I have no relax time anymore. It's run, run, run. And it is taking its toll.

More than once I've had to call friends and family in the middle of the night to see if someone - anyone - could come help with Cole. I didn't feel like I could do one more thing. More than once has the sound of him waking over the baby monitor sent anxiety through my veins and made my heart race. I feel guilty even admitting that.

It hit me around the third month. I had gone back to work and Mike was working his week-on/week-off schedule. Life, as it was, returned to "normal." I realized the depression pretty quickly, having had bouts of it on and off in the past. It was the anxiety that I didn't quite recognize. Then one night - Mike was working - I woke up with Cole and couldn't catch my breath. I thought I was going to pass out. Who would take care of my baby if I were to die in the middle of the night with Mike gone?

It was then that I realized that I was having an anxiety attack. I knew I would be OK, but that doesn't get you very far when you can't catch your breath and there's someone in the other room who needs you. At 3:30 a.m. that day, I called my dad, who lives over an hour away, to come keep me company and help out with Cole.

That was the day that I said enough. I needed to cut out a stresser. That day, I decided to quit my job.

Quick update

2011-07-11T22:57:00.001-05:00

I've been home a little over a month now with Cole and I'm really enjoying it. We stay busy pretty much all day.

When I first quit my job I dreamed of having all this free time...

Yeah, go ahead and laugh.

I do pretty good most days, though. They pass by pretty quickly.

Some days, I wonder how I ever had a job.

An undone post, but it's all I can do for today

2011-06-02T14:45:00.000-05:00

I have a lot of things to talk to you, dear readers, about. But today, I'm going to talk about my mom.

My lovely mother. It is so hard for me to think about this, but I've got to come to terms with it.

My mom has cystic fibrosis. We found this out just a few weeks after my aunt, who also was recently diagnosed with CF, passed away.

I can't imagine how my mom is dealing with this. Seeing your sister die from this awful disease and finding out weeks later that you also have it. I know it's been nerve-wrecking for her. Up 'til now she has had virtually no symptoms of this disease - which in all honesty is probably a really, really good thing.

I haven't been too terribly worried (or maybe I've just been avoiding coming to terms with it) because we're still in the finding-out stages of this. They've done a bazillion tests on her to see what type of CF she has (turns out it's really rare), but they haven't begun treating her fully yet because they're waiting on all the test results first.

It's like I told my friend today - this just came out of nowhere! It makes my head spin to think about it. Most people are diagnosed with this at birth or shortly thereafter, and I don't even want to think about the average lifespan for someone with CF. I am really scared for her.

She is one of the strongest people I know.

It's time

2011-05-14T10:45:00.000-05:00

For the past two months, we have had it rough. Watching my aunt die, finding out that my mom also has cystic fibrosis, Mike's relief quitting and him being off his schedule/not knowing when he's going to be home. Work, in all honesty, has been a constant, even though we lost a big client and I've been subconciously worried about my job security.

Then in the middle of all of this I have a panic attack that sends me to the ER (although at the time I had no idea that it was a panic attack). Having had a few more of them - most usually when Mike is gone - has got me thinking that it's time. When the sound of your child awake over the baby monitor sends you into a full-blown panic attack, it's time. Do you know what it's like to feel like you're about to pass out at 3 a.m. and know that you're the only person there for your baby? More than once I've had to call friends and family in the middle of the night to come care for Cole because I did not think I could do one more thing.

It's time.

Dear Cole...

2011-05-05T09:24:00.000-05:00

I love our morningtime cuddles. You eat, get changed, and then we just sit on the couch and cuddle and you fall asleep. Lots of times I do, too. It is the only time that I don't have to rock you in the rocking chair first.

Life

2011-04-09T19:51:00.000-05:00

Life has been so crazy for the past month or so. I don't even know where to start.

Cole's sleeping habits have been pretty brutal. Daddy is home one week and gone the next. I'm exhausted.

A little over a month ago I find out that my aunt had cystic fibrosis. That was about a week before she passed away. A gruelling week of travel with a 2-month old, with so many emotions that I'm still trying to process.

Two weeks ago, I find out my mom has CF as well. Still, so many emotions to process. Glad that she found out before any real symptoms showed up. Sad because I don't know what it means for her. Scared because I now know that I carry the gene, and will probably end up getting tested, too. Scared for her. So many 'What if's?' ...

Then work has been quite busy, and trying to juggle getting a baby out of the house by myself on weeks that Mike is gone has been a real challenge. Not to mention the added stress of a little bit of job insecurity.

I feel like I'm running on steam most days. So much stress right now. I feel like I'm at the end of my rope, but the stress has no mercy: Mike's relief on the rig quit, so now he is on call 24/7 until they hire someone else and get them trained. He was home for 4 days and had to leave again tonight.

I don't ask for anything, but our family could really use some prayers right now.

Cowards

2011-03-15T23:28:00.003-05:00

I saw a story on KATV tonight that made my head spin. Here is the link: http://www.katv.com/Global/story.asp?S=14259671.

Essentially, a state lawmaker has introduced a bill that would ban abortions after 21 weeks of pregnancy. He is including supporting documents such as babies at different stages of development in the womb, in order to support his cause. Yet the committee it has to go through has ruled that some of the pictures he is using - those of a live baby holding a doctor's finger during an in-utero surgery, not an abortion - are too graphic.

Too graphic.

So, that's how the Committee on Public Health is going to kill this bill? By saying that a picture of a baby holding onto someone's finger is too graphic?

So many thoughts are going through my head right now.

If you don't support this bill, have the balls to come right out and say it. But don't belittle it's sponsor by saying that he provided "graphic images." To me, that is cowardly. Members of the committee are saying that they don't want the images, which are publicly recorded, to be seen by children.

Well, you know what? I think it would help young kids to more fully grasp the issue of life and abortion. Don't hide the truth from them. They need to know and understand that a baby - even one merely 4 months old in the womb - is a person. It has fingers and toes. A heartbeat. The ability to grasp and feel objects. It is alive.

I am going to write to the representative who introduced this bill and offer my support.

Life as Mom

2011-01-22T00:32:00.000-06:00

Whew! These past 5 weeks have flown by so fast! What can I say about my new life?

It has been somewhat of a blur. A sleepless haze where the days all seem to run together. Most days, I have to concentrate really hard to figure out what day of the week it is. And I have, on several occasions, worn my shirt backwards (in public) for hours before noticing or smooched a cute little bottle during a feeding by accident instead of the cute little boy my kiss was intended for.

Before Cole, if i ONLY got five hours of sleep I was cranky all day long. Now, if I get three hours of continuous sleep, I feel recharged like I can last another 8 hours. LOL. This is definitely the hardest job I have ever had, hands down, but it is also so so worth it.

I find myself wanting to Google the lyrics to nursery rhymes because the only one I can remember is Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. I'm pretty sure Cole is going to be singing that one first! Sadly, I also find myself Googling things like what color poop my newborn should have and worrying about him getting sick because I didn't wash his bottles before putting them in the dishwasher AND afterward. Or turning all his socks inside out and checking for little strings that could get caught around his toes and cut off circulation and cause his toes to fall off and...

Wow, things have changed!

And seeing Mike with Cole is just so precious. I knew he would be good with him, but there are many things that he knows how to do that I don't. I have learned a lot from him. I know he was apprehensive about not having the "mother's intuition," but I think there may be a father's intuition, too. He definitely keeps me sane.

They say...

2011-01-04T12:49:00.000-06:00

... That when you have a child your heart forever goes walking around outside your body. I cannot begin to express how very real that sentiment is.

Biting the bullet

2010-12-16T05:50:00.001-06:00

I think I've finally bitten the bullet.

For the past week or two, I've been avoiding people - especially those most important to me. Why? Because I don't want to have to tell them the same story about how there is No News on the pregnancy front. It's silly, I know, but there's something about a pregnant woman who's over her due date that people just don't need to mess with.

Yesterday, for instance, after my dad called for the second time to see how I was doing (and right before my doctor's appointment - I was going to call him back afterward), I snapped, answering the phone, "What?!" I don't really know why it bothers me that people are asking... I know they're only asking because they care. And it's not like nothing is happening, because I am progressing. I guess I just don't want them to get their hopes up because then I will, and I do that enough to be disappointed already.

Anyway, after some light prodding by my husband, I called my dad back and apologized.

Sigh.

I guess it's time to bite the bullet. I guess the grandparents do have a right to know.

And for everyone else: I am waiting it out. I don't want to induce labor. My body knows what it's doing. But, if Cole doesn't make his grand appearance by next week, I'll bite that bullet, too. And I'm okay with that.

Yes, I'm still pregnant. No, I'm not in labor. Now can we talk about something else?

2010-12-08T16:48:00.000-06:00

Today has been a range of emotions. I look forward to my doctor's appointments each week in hopes that he will tell me something new about the state of my current condition. For the past four weeks, he hasn't. Still, like a naive little puppy, I look forward to them.

Let me back up a little bit. Judging from the comments of many others, my mother included, I was beginning to doubt that I'm really within a week of my due date. I mean, if I didn't know the exact date of conception, I would be doubting. Case in point number 1: I'm still carrying the baby really high. Which is a little odd since most first babies "drop" lower in the month or so before they're due. So the fact that his butt is still up in my ribcage means to me that he's not getting too ready to greet the world anytime soon. Case in point number 2: I really have not begun the whole "nesting" phase, which apparently comes along in the week or so before a woman gives birth. I mean, Cole's room is done, clothes have been washed and put away, walls decorated; but I still haven't had that strong urge to clean and sanitize and have everything 110 percent ready before he gets here. While we have everything we need to bring him home and into the world, there are a couple of things that I would still like to get in hopes that it will make our lives as new parents a little easier. But I don't have to. I don't feel the unexplainable urge to run out and buy them. If we get them before he gets here, great; but it's not like our lives will stop completely once he arrives. I'm sure that if I think a swing is going to be the only thing that puts him to sleep, you bet your little hiney that I'll find a way to get one. But do I have to have it now? No.

And that brings me to Case in point number 3: I still haven't fully decided that I'm ready for him to get here. Which is not entirely what I expected to be feeling with less than a week to go. (Once again, that whole pregnancy-unpredictableness thing reminds me that it's here to stay.) For instance, I fully expected to be completely miserable, mad that I'm "still pregnant," hating the waiting game, wishing I could evict this kid right here right now, thankyouverymuch. Instead, I'm really kind of calm about it all. Yes, my feet hurt, my back hurts and I can't sleep at night, but really? I wouldn't say that I'm so ready to have him any day now. I'm pretty content with him staying in there.

Fast-forward to today, in which I ~~experienced~~ am experiencing a range of emotions. I really expected the doctor to schedule me for one day next week to induce labor. And while part of me wanted that, a bigger part spent much of the morning mourning the fact that I was, or so I thought, about to not be pregnant anymore. While another part of me spent much of the afternoon on pins and needles, filled with anxiety about having to be induced when what I really want is to go into labor as nature intended, when nature intends. And by the time I arrived at my doctor's office, the parts that were left of me begun to think that I was just going to have to cry about it. A fully rational way of dealing with things when you're pregnant. :-)

After talking over all the options with my doctor, I realized that even if he had planned to schedule an induced labor today, I would have opted to wait it out instead. (Luckily, my doctor and I thus far have been on the same page.) The basic gist of it is that I'm not really progressed far enough yet for that to be an option.

So, while I left the doctor's office disappointed (for reasons I have not had time to digest yet), I am thankful that, at least for the time being, I can wait on nature to take its course. I mean, there IS a baby in there, after all, and I don't think nature is going to let me be pregnant forever. So in the meantime, I will just wait and count down the days until I get to have an excuse not to shave my legs for a while!

Dear Cole

2010-11-05T21:43:00.002-05:00

I just love feeling you move. Right now, you have the hiccups. Poor baby, you get them quite often these days. Earlier today, it felt like you were dancing in my belly.

I'm getting more and more excited about you every day. It still seems so unreal... that in just a few weeks, we'll be bringing you home. I can't wait!

Tomorrow is your first baby shower. I say it's yours instead of mine because let's be honest, everything I'll get will be for you. I'm excited to see what you end up getting!

I'm also excited about the food. Speaking of which, here lately you've developed quite a taste for Peach Mango V8 Fusion. Every time I drink it, within minutes, you start moving around. It is hilarious, and sometimes I'll drink it just so I get to feel you move. :-)

I bought you something today. Since you'll be here right before Christmas, I thought that you should have your very first Christmas ornament to hang on the tree each year:

I also bought one for all of us, since this will be the first year we celebrate Christmas as a family of three:

You are the apple of our eyes and you don't even know it yet.

Love,
Mommy

33 weeks and our Nightly Entertainment

2010-10-22T22:23:00.000-05:00

Dear Cole,

You are getting bigger now. The baby updates that I get each week say that you're about 17 inches long and that you weigh about 4 pounds. I'm getting more and more excited about meeting you. I wonder what you're going to look like. I imagine holding you and you being so little, like most newborns are.

At this point, I'm almost 33 weeks pregnant. Which means that we only have about 7-8 weeks left until we get to meet you! I'm still feeling relatively good, but I can tell it's getting harder and harder for me to move around. I get out of breath very easily now, and I can't do the marathon shopping or cleaning days like I used to be able to. But all in all, I'm still feeling pretty good.

I start seeing the doctor every 2 weeks now. That's exciting because it means that the time is getting closer to when we'll get to see you! I really only go to the doctor two more times before the time begins when I'll have to go every week. Boy, that is going to pass by so fast! I guess we should get started on your room.

I haven't had any baby showers yet. The first one is still two weeks away. I've really just been biding my time until after we have the baby showers, thinking that then, this will all seem so much more real to me. When there are diapers and clothes and a carseat and I-don't-even-know-what-else in your room. Don't get me wrong, I feel you move all the time, so I know you're in there. It's just... almost like a dream that I haven't woken up from yet.

Now, the fun thing for me and your daddy to do at night is to sit and watch my belly move. Take today, for instance. You've literally moved almost constantly for about the past four hours. That's really a stretch for you! (I'm thinking maybe it was the medicine that I took earlier that's keeping you up...) But sometimes, I can just rub my belly and you'll start to move. It's funny to me that you know when me or your daddy are doing that. It's just so fun to feel you move and see the big ripples in my belly as you turn somersaults. What's even more funny is to watch my belly go from being one shape, like a perfect circle, to being contorted and uneven because you prefer to hang out on the right side. I've taken many a picture of this misshapen belly, but they just don't do it justice. It really is a sight to see. I'm hoping that one day I'll be able to distinguish your feet or some other body part moving across my belly.

We're just excited to meet you, little buddy. I pray every day that you'll grow to be healthy and strong and smart and good. So many hopes and dreams for you, sweet little one. I can't wait to start making memories with you.

Love, Mommy & Daddy

Foggy mind morning

2010-09-28T10:53:00.000-05:00

Well, I failed my glucose test. So now I have to go in for the 3-hour screening. Fun fun. I know I shouldn't worry too much just yet, but ever since I got the call yesterday, I've been going over and over in my mind about what I could have done that would have caused me to fail it, and I can't come up with anything. Except that I took the test in the afternoon, after I had eaten all day, instead of in the morning - although when I asked my doctor if taking it in the afternoon would screw up the test, they weren't really concerned. Sigh. I guess there are just some things in life you can't predict, no matter how hard you try.

I think maybe that's a lesson that I'm supposed to be learning this week...

It seems that everything that I have tried to avoid during this pregnancy has ended up turning up regardless.
At first, it was morning sickness:

"My mom didn't have it that bad, so maybe I won't." That thought ended at about 7 weeks.
"Okay, so most people have morning sickness, but they say it's supposed to end by week 12, so only 5 more weeks to go."
Um, yeah. Tell that to the Me who finally got Zofran at 15 weeks.
"I'm going to be so excited when I find out I'm having a baby!" Excited, yes. But completely in shock was more like it.
"Your life doesn't immediately change once you get pregnant; only when the baby gets here does it change." *Laughing at myself right now for even once thinking that!
"Well, if I put lotion on my tummy every day, maybe, just maybe, I won't get stretch marks." Well, no one tells you that you should probably just lotion your whole entire body, since it's not just your tummy that grows, but your legs, hips, thighs, etc.
"If I drink lots of water and exercise, maybe my feet won't swell." - I'm still working on this one. Still trying, even though I should probably just accept that it does happen to most people, so I won't be surprised if it happens to me.
"If I walk and do yoga, it will help during labor." - Still working on that one, too, although for as many things as I've read that say exercise helps, I've also read that it makes no difference. Still. Anything I can do to help when that time comes, I'm sure I will appreciate.

I guess I write all of this as if to say that pregnancy is completely unpredictable, and that is not something that I am used to. So I guess I need to just hang on, because this ride isn't over yet!

I'm just going to go ahead and apologize now

2010-09-16T10:36:00.000-05:00

I'm a bitch. I feel bitchy. I act bitchy. And most of the time, I don't feel bad for being one. Because, I reason, if you couldn't sleep past 5 a.m. - no matter what time you went to bed - you'd feel bitchy, too.

Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love that I'm having a baby and, for the most part, I'm trying to take it all in stride. I know that my situation is only temporary and that I'm going to miss this, so I deal with the stretch marks and the can't-find-a-bra-that-doesn't-cut-off-circulation. I even laugh about it for the most part.

But damn, there are those days. Emotions uP, dOwN, lEFt, RiGHt - every which way but normal. One minute things are just rosy and the next minute I'm pissed off because someone looked at me the wrong way. Then it makes me sad like I'm in the 6th grade again and I cry. Or I worry constantly, which, takes away the joy and contentment that I typically feel about this life-changing event. And that pisses me off. I want my happiness, dammit! I don't want to worry! And then I'm sad again because I'm not in my happy place, which is where I want to be. And it's like EVERYTHING that EVERYONE does is directed toward me, no matter how small.

Like the dumb neighbor who lets his dog roam the neighborhood without a leash. Then, when I try to walk my dog (who outweighs this little dog by a good 70 pounds), the neighbor dog follows us all around the neighborhood, bothering my dog - who is on a leash! How inconsiderate!

Or the building that I work in, where the maintenance team doesn't notify the occupants of my floor - two of whom are expecting - that they're going to be painting all day or doing some other type of construction that smells so bad it can't be good for you. I mean, shouldn't they have a policy in place to notify tenants of potentially harmful (yet probably just bothersome) activities going on on their floor?

And, heaven forbid if I'm standing in a long line at a department store and it's not moving fast enough. I've had to apologize to probably two checkers already who I got huffy with for no real reason at all. And I'm just waiting for that next man to come up to me out of the blue and ask me if this was an "accident" or a planned pregnancy. Or the next friend who tells me they're ready for me "not to be pregnant anymore."

Now, I have to be honest though. Mostly, I have gotten more good comments than bad. Most people are telling me that I look great. Mike has been really great about this, too. He is all the time telling me that I'm pretty/beautiful/sexy, and he's good about reminding me that I'm pregnant, not fat, and that there is a difference. I didn't know what to expect from him, but I have to say I've been very pleased at how supportive he's been. It's like he already knows the right things to say. Friends, acquaintances and family have been good, too (except for my dad making some sort of reference to an elephant, which I still don't fully understand...). Most have been telling me that I look great, like I haven't gained a pound. To which I smile and genuinely thank them. Because they don't know that I've already gained two-thirds of what I really wanted to gain the entire pregnancy and they can't see the ugly stretch marks that I have all down my thighs.

Joy

2010-09-13T22:52:00.002-05:00

Before I get started, I'm going to post part of a post that I wrote the day I found out about Baby Cole:

4-9-10 (Oh. My. Gosh.)
I can't even begin to wrap my mind around this. God always provides.

Last month, I really thought I was pregnant. ... And I was so nervous taking that test, but when I saw only one line I was really disappointed.

I didn't realize that I was ready until that moment. And I think I needed that to let myself know for sure that I really was.

So fast forward to this month. I started counting days and realized that I was late... And the anxiety set in once again. I think it's just worse not knowing. So I went home and decided I would just take a test, that way at least I would know and could put to rest the anxiety. I was super surprised to look down at it and see two lines forming.

Did I read that right?

Yep, I did. And then became really nervous. I guess I'm still kind of in shock. I don't know what to think. I mean, I wanted this - I do want this. I just didn't expect it.

***

Now, as I'm one week shy of the third and final trimester, I'm thinking about JOY. How much my life has changed over the past 5 months. How fun it is to be in the moment and enjoying this beautiful time. How very, very grateful I am that I am able to experience this. How fortunate we are to be able to enjoy this time for what it is - us, two becoming one. Creating life. Loving that new life like we haven't ever loved anything else.

I'm also really enjoying getting to know my son. It sounds funny to say it, but just as I love him, I know that he loves me. I can feel it. Maybe it's because for the past couple of weeks, it's been easier for me to tell where he is laying in that little swimming bubble of his. For instance, right now, I'm thinking he's laying mostly sideways across the top of my belly. I can tell because it's really hard where he's at and soft where he's not. Plus, I can feel him moving/twisting/pressing against the top part of my belly every day, so that's a pretty good giveaway. I feel lucky that I get to be the first one he bonds with. Everyone else has to wait until he's on the outside for that. :)

As much joy as I'm feeling though, I'm experiencing some of my typical fall moods. Every year, usually around the month of September, I start feeling kind of depressed. I can't really explain why, since I love fall and always look forward to this time of year. It never seems to fail, though, that I get the blues. I'm hoping it passes soon, since I really enjoy enjoying this experience and all the joy that comes with it, and I really want to experience the full joy of this time as much as I possibly can. I want to cherish every moment and live IN every minute of joy this time will bring.

Questions only a pregnant woman would ask

2010-09-01T09:56:00.000-05:00

How many calories am I burning when I shave my legs? Enough to count as a workout?

Is it possible to overdose on Tums?

When I'm laying on one side, is my baby's head upside down and if so, is all the blood rushing to his brain?

When I'm starving, does my baby feel the hunger pains, too?

When I'm yelling at Gus, am I giving my baby a complex that I am going to yell at him the same way? Does he think he's going to be born into a home that isn't loving?

When I experience a little ... ahem ... road rage, am I teaching my son cuss words?

Is it bad that I have a favorite flavor of Tums?

Is it bad that I get excited about new flavors of Tums?

Is it him who's craving the sweets or is it just me? Because if cravings are any indication as to what my child will eat, he's going to come out wanting fried chicken and an orange Fanta. And a Twix for dessert.

Thankful

2010-08-13T23:11:00.001-05:00

Dear Cole,

The words aren't coming easy tonight. I am just so thankful for you. Each week I see my belly getting bigger and bigger and I feel you move more frequently now, so I'm feeling a lot closer to you. This week, you went with me to Las Vegas, a work trip that I was not really excited to have to attend. But nonetheless, we went, and I noticed something.

I had been in kind of a funk prior to going and at times while I was there. I know the doctor said it was safe to travel with you, but I still worry ... because I'm the only advocate you have right now. And so I sometimes worry about whether or not some things are safe for me to do while you're growing in there.

But this week, I kind of felt like you were reassuring me that everything was okay. I found that each time I felt worried about you, you would start to kick. And when I was upset about things, you would move around a lot, which always puts a smile on my face. It's like you were telling me that you were fine, and honestly, it moved me to put forth a better attitude. I thought of how thankful I am for you, and it made the things that I was upset over seem smaller and not as important.

I love you and I can't wait for you to join us here on the "outside." But I'm cherishing these moments with you now and enjoying having you all to myself in the meantime.

Love.

Tiny little feet

2010-07-25T22:02:00.000-05:00

Dear Baby,

The other day, your mommy, daddy and grandpa all got to see you. It was so fun. Within minutes of the technician turning on the screen and looking at you, we got to see every little part of you. It was so exciting to see your little hands, your heart, your brain, your spine, your ribcage and everything in between! One of my most favorite parts though, was seeing your little feet! That was one of the most awesome things to see. I wish I had a still picture of them to print out just so I could look at them. I imagine seeing them in person and I get so excited! It was also such a relief to us to know that every part of you looked "beautiful" - and those are words from the doctor, not just your mommy and daddy. You weigh about 12 ounces, which is 3/4 of a pound, and your measurements are all spot on or slightly above where they should be. That is music to my ears, Baby! I am so glad you are healthy!

Arguably, your daddy would say that his favorite part of seeing you the other day is this:

He kept saying all along that he knew you were a little boy, and that he just needed "confirmation" from the doc. Your grandpa said that, too. I just had a feeling you were a little boy... a very strong feeling, so it wasn't a total surprise for any of us that you are. We've been calling you "he" all along. And now that we know, we can start planning more appropriately for you. We've begun cleaning out what will be your room, and your Aunt Mander and Grammy Roberts have already started on your wardrobe.

We learned the other day that you're also a little wiggleworm. I guess all those flutters I've been feeling all over my tummy have been you moving around, because you literally wiggled around during the entire ultrasound. I got to see you move and feel you move all at the same time. It was so neat seeing you in there moving around. Since then, I've been more aware of how often you move, although you seem to know when your daddy has his hands on me because you stop moving or kick somewhere else where his hands aren't. It's quite funny, but I'm sure he'll get the chance to feel you soon, 'cause you move around a LOT!

A Letter to Baby

2010-07-05T22:06:00.004-05:00

Dear Baby,

Words cannot begin to express how overcome with joy I am that you are really here. I think it has finally hit me that I am going to be a mother. I already love you so much, I can't imagine being able to love you even more once you get here, but I know I will. What an overwhelming feeling!

I think it is starting to hit your Daddy, too, that you are really alive. He got to hear your heartbeat for the first time the other day, and you should have seen the smile on his face. Later that night, when he was tucking me in, he kissed you goodnight. It was the sweetest thing. He asked me if I thought he would be a good dad, and I said absolutely. I have no doubts about him whatsoever.

Oh, Baby, how you will change things for us. But I believe you will change them for the better. There won't be a day that goes by that we will regret bringing you here. You're already changing us, and I love you for that.

I'm pretty sure I felt you move for the first time yesterday. What a surreal feeling. I wish your daddy could have felt it too, but I'm sure there will be many more times that he will, and I look forward to them.

I love you.

I Am Not Myself

2010-05-20T20:01:00.000-05:00

Oh wow. Pregnancy has done a weird thing to me. Make that several weird things. I don't even know who I am anymore.

Case in point: Nothing in the world matters to me except for eating and sleeping. Priorities like work, household chores and playing with the dog have taken a backseat to my eating and sleeping habits, which brings me to my second case in point:
Must. Get. At. Least. 10. Hours. Of. Sleep. At. Night. Bedtime now is 9 p.m. And I mean, bedtime - not falling-asleep-on-the-couch time. And sometimes that's not enough, forcing me to take mini-naps throughout the day.
Ffffoooooooooooooodddddddddd! I am like a walking food disposal. In the past two weeks, I've went through 4-5 boxes of cereal and the same amount of half gallons of milk. I finally got smart tonight at the grocery store (the first time I've been to the grocery store in at least 3 weeks) and bought 3 boxes of cereal and a whole gallon of milk this time. If there is not food within reach at all hours of the day and night, I go into a panic. I think this is the first time in my life where I've felt "food insecure." And Lord help me (and my husband, bless his heart) if there is not food in sight when I get those sudden hunger pains. I'm talking Grand-Slam-breakfast-at-Denny's hunger.

Now, I've always been a healthy eater (healthy as in, I LOVE to EAT), so the hunger part may not come as a surprise. However, the hardest part about the hunger thing is that I can't eat as much at one time as I used to, so it takes me pretty much all afternoon to eat my lunch. It's like I'm eating 2 breakfasts, 2 lunches, and 2 dinners; and a bowl or 3 of cereal in between (or in the middle of the night) to keep those hunger pains away. I guess you really do "eat for two."

The napping thing, however, is sooo not me. I am not a napper. I rarely take naps, and if I do, it's usually by accident. Before now, I had this weird thing about taking naps where I thought I would miss something if I fell asleep, so I just never took naps. Nowadays, if I get a nap in during the day I am one happy kid, let me tell ya. I've also never been the type to just let things like housework and priorities go. My house is a disaster area right now and it really bothers me, but I just don't have the energy to do anything about it. Mike has been really good at helping me out on that end, as well as running to the store for more cereal and milk 3 times a week. One night, he actually picked up dinner, went to the store when I didn't even ask him to to get me more food, then came home and did the dishes, again without me even asking. All while I sat on the couch barely able to nibble on my dinner. I am definitely realizing how lucky I am. I don't know how anybody could do this on their own.