My husband and I are pregnant with our first child.
We have never been so excited in our whole lives.

We are telling his children, my two step-children, during the few hours you have graciously given us. Per your instructions we will be returning them to you right after we eat.

We were planning to tell them during Thanksgiving week, which is our legally-allotted visitation, so they would have several days with us to ask questions and get used to the idea of a new brother or sister.

BUT, because of your hissy fits, guilt-tripping, threats and nagging, YOU will be the one to answer all those questions. We wanted to give the kids time to “calm down” for YOUR benefit.

My sweet husband and I had a plan so that you wouldn’t be so hurt by the news. BUT, because you decided to be selfish about Thanksgiving, this is going to come crashing down on your head.

This news will most likely shatter your perception that you are the “holy keeper of the functioning uterus” and you will no doubt go ballistic, and take it out on my dear, sweet, father-in-law, who will be dropping off the kids at your house.

We did not get pregnant to hurt you.

We got pregnant because we love each other and wanted to make a family.

Our baby will be your childrens’ (half) sibling. If we hear that you told them that the baby is not their “real” brother or sister, we will call you out on your lie.

As usual, I am sure this will turn into a big drama that is “all about you” and how my dear sweet husband “hurt you” and “left his family”.

We would not be surprised if you tried to get pregnant right away, too, if only to steal attention away from this baby. (after all, you did change your wedding date to get married FIRST, and make up lies and wild stories to ruin important days for us.) Just remember that this is NOT ABOUT YOU. PLEASE.

THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU.
THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU.
THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU.

I hope to God that this announcement will not ruin your Thanksgiving, if it does, just remember you were the one who decided it was more important for you to see them during our time, despite the fact we have to make the 400 mile drive to see the kids, then for us to give you “buffer time” for the kids to process that they are going to be big

brother and big sister.

Thanks,

THE NEW WIFE.

I am writing you this letter because you refuse to even say hello to me when I say hello to you, or when we are in the same room together.  I know I should be thankful that for 2 years I haven’t ever had to have a conversation with you.  Not a mean one or a nice one, just looks and glares from you.  I learned a long time ago that your opinion of me doesn’t matter, and I don’t need to have a relationship with you.  However, your kids see what a bitch you are to me, and I think you are doing more damage to your own character by the way act.  Even your boyfriend is pleasant to us, but you can’t seem to bring yourself to be nice for even 2 or 3 minutes.  It used to irritate me, but now I just feel sorry for you.  I feel sorry for you because you act as if you are happy and have moved on with your life, but clearly you haven’t and you are still so bitter about your divorce.  It must be hard to carry that hate and anger around all of the time, but at the same time trying to convince yourself and everyone around you that you are happier now than you’ve ever been.

Let me be clear, I do not wish to be friends with you.  You are not the kind of friend I would have in my life.  However, I do think that we should be able to be cordial to each other.  I am helping to raise your kids for crying out loud.  The way things are now I spend more time with them than you do, and I’m going to be around for a very long time.  They will have brothers or sisters because of me that they will be bonded to. Wouldn’t it be easier to just accept our lives for what they are?  I have had to do that, and it hasn’t been easy.  You have 2 amazing kids that love you very much, but they also love me and their dad.  They worry about hurting your feelings, but they are smart kids and have learned how to make you feel better.  It’s sad they have to lie to you though because you are so uninvolved and insecure with your relationship with them.  They feel like they have no other choice.  You’ve punished them for not calling you every day when they are with us, you’ve punished them if they want to see their dad, you’ve done everything you said you would never do to try to turn your kids against their dad.  You are their mom, they will always need you and love you.  They shouldn’t have to chase you down and tell you that several times a day.  They are your kids.  Your teenage kids who are trying to figure out who they are and need a little space to grow.  They are not your friends.  If you want friends…go make some.

Your hate and negative outlook on the world causes them great anxiety.  They are scared of very simple things that kids their age should be excited about.  They are afraid to live their lives.  Is that what you want for them?  It’s not what their dad wants for them, and as their stepmom, I don’t want that either.  They are smart kids who need a little bit of guidance, self esteem, and freedom to start making some decisions for themselves.  Especially your daughter.  She’s such a kind soul.  She’s also very impressionable and I worry that she’s learning that as long as she marries someone with money she’ll be ok in her life.  She doesn’t seem to understand that women can be more than a wife and mother unless they are single.  She talks all the time about money, and how worried she is about it all the time.  She gets that from you.  She hears your fights with her dad, and knows that you are always mad about money, but then says you need more money from her dad.  You know you are divorced right?  You know that he’s no longer your husband and shouldn’t have to keep taking care of you.   You need to get a real job with one of your many degrees and not work 15 hours a week in a teenager job.   Do you really feel like you deserve alimony?  You know it won’t last forever?  He’s a great dad, and always does and always will take care of those kids.  He divorced you because he doesn’t want to be with you or take care of you anymore.  It’s time for you to step up and take care of yourself.  Not only does he pay you alimony, but also a lot in child support (and you do nothing for the kids with), and he goes way above and beyond that.  A lot of my own money goes towards your kids.  YOUR kids, not MY kids.  I take your kids shopping when their clothes don’t fit, I do homework with them, I buy stuff they need for school, and I buy a lot of the food they eat, I buy gifts they need for friends, and I’ve helped buy things for you.  I’ve never heard so much crap about money as I have from you.  You are such a gold digger!  How is it possible that with 4 adults now taking care of your kids instead of just 2 there is so much bitching about money?  Oh, I know why…you are the one who doesn’t really work, but loves to spend money on anything to keep you from working.  It angers me that money that should be in my household goes into yours.  It angers me that the person I love pays you a great deal of money every month and then we have kids wearing clothes that don’t fit and never have things they need for school.  How do you look at them with their flood pants and not try to get them new clothes? I can’t bear to allow them to have to be that way.  I give up things of my own for your kids, and you can’t even do it for your own children.  It’s so pathetic.

I’m not trying to replace you.  I would never try to do that.  I have a mom and a stepmom and I know how it works and doesn’t work.  I am trying to make sure that I am involved in their lives.  They need it and they ask for it whether you want to believe that or not.  I do not poison them against you, even though you give me plenty of ammo to do so.  It would never help anything.  I stick up for you when they complain about how you never do anything with them and care more about yourself and your boyfriend.  I make sure they have a good relationship with their dad.  I give them a lot of time alone with him.  Not because I don’t like the kids and don’t want to be around, but because it’s good for them to build their relationship.  They tell us they beg you for time alone and you don’t give it, and your boyfriend doesn’t make sure they get it.  That’s sad.  They are growing up before your eyes and you will look back and regret these missed times.  I am their stepmom, and I take that very seriously.  I wish you took your place in their life seriously.  I think it would make them very happy if you did.

I ask that you stop acting like a bitch, and stop bad mouthing us to the kids.  You are only hurting them and yourself.  I know you are trying to hurt us, but we know who we are and what we care about.  I’m glad you are their mom because you brought them into this world.  However, just because you have a working uterus does not make you a good mom.  It’s time to step up, let your bitterness go, and be the mom those kids need you to be.

Stepmom

I used to think you were adorable and sweet, and you thought I was pretty and fun.  We did things that families do, wrestle in the living room and cuddle up all together watching a movie.  You said you would like it if I moved in with you and your dad, but soon after I did, you realized that he loves me.  I can confidently say that I never tried to step in between the two of you and your relationship because I thought it was beautiful, but when I saw behind the scenes, how you used your father and abused him and didn’t care about his feelings and drove him crazy with your clingy, whiny, demanding, bratty, spoiled behavior, I couldn’t stand by and just let the Love of my life be treated that way by his own daughter.  I started to step in, feeling like I had to save him from you because it became apparent that you actually made him quite miserable when the public eye wasn’t on you.  You began to become jealous of his love for me, probably because he smiled more when I was around because I treat him like I care about him and WANT to make him happy.  You started to pick at my feelings and tell me you didn’t want me to be involved with various activities so that you could have him all to yourself, only to make him miserable again.  You can be so spiteful to me with the sweetest expression, unwavering, on your face.  I honestly fear for all the ways you may come up with in the future to hurt me, when I try so hard to take care of you and do nice things for you.  You don’t like me because I’ve showed your father how life CAN be in the home, pleasant and happy and peaceful, and now he doesn’t let you cause chaos quite as much as before I came into his life.  I just wish you would listen when we tell you how if you treat people nicely and show some concern for their feelings, they will bend over backwards to do things for you, because we could be such a happy family if you would start treating your father and I better.  He and I are both very giving people and would do anything for you if you weren’t such a brat.  I really enjoyed you being around before, your father asked me fearfully if I saw his having a child as a bonus or a deterrent, and I said bonus, but you are so difficult to live with I sometimes wish you’d stay with your mom all the time and leave us alone because you so obviously hate that we have each other and try to keep us from being happy.

That being said, I have a soft spot in my heart for you still, maybe soft from being so bruised…but it is there for you and I love you.  And I’m not giving up on the idea of you loving me back because some day you will realize that I work really hard to bring us together as a family, and I’m never going to stop or give up.

Love,
Stepmom

Gill I love you. You have always been there for me. I have always respected you and I respected you so much more once I became a StepMum myself, I know how difficult it must have been for you, but you HAVE made a difference in my life and you have taught me so much, and I thank you for that. I am so proud that my Dad met you and I am so proud to have two very special sisters. Gill, I hope you are able to see “facebook” now that you are no longer suffering and you now know that I love you. I should have told you.

I will do all that I am able to help Dad and your Girls . I hope you know how special you are to me.

You will be in my heart and memories forever. I love you Gill.

Your Stepdaughter,

Emma xx

You are just about the cutest thing I have ever seen! I love you to pieces. You were almost three the first time I met you, practically still a baby. You were in a clingy stage with your dad and didn’t really want anyone else to hold you. I remember one Sunday not too long after we met, it was while your dad and I were still just friends and not dating yet, when I saw you all at church and you came running across the lobby, calling my name, and holding out your arms for a hug—that warmed my heart so much! At the same time I was falling in love with your dad I was also falling in love with you and your sister.

Now you are four going on fifteen. Your favorite word is “no” and sometimes that makes us crazy! But even so you are still such a sweet little boy. You look so much like your dad, and you have so many of his mannerisms. One of the things I love best about you, is how much you are like him in your personality…you are only four and yet I can already say that you are a child with a genuinely kind heart. You are so generous and giving.

I feel so lucky to be in your life when you are still small…sometimes I wish time would freeze and you would always be small. I cherish the time I get to spend with you. I love hearing your cute little voice, the way you mispronounce your r’s, and especially your contagious laugh when you crack yourself up…it cracks everyone around you up too. I love when you want to have a hug and especially when I’m hugging your dad and you come running for a Group Hug! I like it when you ask me to snuggle with you in the bed or on the couch…your little body is so tiny and warm, and I am in awe of how quickly you are growing.

Recently I had a dream in which you were a teenager, almost grown up and taller than me. It was a little on the weird side, because I know those days are coming and probably sooner than I want them to! I love you so much. I hope we can always have the warm and positive relationship we have now. I can’t wait to see what a fine young man I know you will turn out to be!

All my love,
Your stepmom

I know your first human “mom” abandoned you and left you all alone, and you were lonely and scared and hungry. My heart breaks to think about what you went through, and so unnecessarily as we wanted you all along and we didn’t know you were alone. We are doing the best we can to help you with your anxiety and other issues. We have hired an expert trainer to help us all learn how to be a successful pack. I am trying hard to be patient, kind, and understanding of you.

But the fact is you are making me crazy with some of your behaviors and my patience is running very thin! You cannot keep destroying my stuff; you cannot keep pushing my elderly dog or the cats out of the way when they are getting attention; you cannot keep stealing food off the counter/table/trash/directly out of the children’s hands; you cannot keep jumping on people/slapping them with your paws/bumping them with your wet nose when you want attention; you cannot keep taking tissues out of the bathroom trash and shredding them; and most of all you cannot keep freaking out and doing the “devil dog scream” when we see other dogs on our walks. It is scary, embarrassing, and dangerous.

We are trying so hard to help you. We want you to feel safe and loved because you ARE safe and loved. We will never abandon you, and you will never be left alone, we promise you. Please trust us. Please just chill out.

All my love,

Your new forever human mom

You have done a lot of crappy things (I could write a book!), but one of the worst things you did was to abandon the dog—literally. We’re not sure exactly how long you left her alone at the house, checking every few days, but we’re pretty sure it was at least a couple of weeks. The only reason we found out she was alone is because she escaped and the neighbor called. Why didn’t you just ask us to go get her? You knew we were going to take her once the house was sold anyway. There was no reason to leave her there alone, except your own selfishness, and habit of being concerned only for yourself. By the way, I know you prefer your animals to be on the skinny side, but the dog was 25 pounds underweight when we got her…25 pounds! She was definitely malnourished, no wonder she tried to run away. And it really pisses me off every time you come to our house and mention how “fat” she’s getting…no, she’s not fat, she’s finally getting the right amount to eat, on a daily basis! The vet says her current weight is exactly what it should be.

It’s not a shock that now we have some pretty significant separation anxiety problems with her. It is really pitiful, you can see the panic in her eyes when she is having an anxiety attack. She’s even on puppy prozac, but we have a long way to go with her to fix what you wrought.

I know it never even crosses your mind the way you mistreated her, or the fallout that we are dealing with, but I hope someday karma bites you in the butt. How dare you treat a helpless animal like that! Someday I hope someone is as mean to you as you were to her.

I write this with some trepidation because you are young adults and I feel I can’t do anything but hold on to some kind of hope that you will eventually grow up and become mature, responsible older adults.

When your Dad and I first met and eventually when I met you both, you were adorable and sweet little girls.   Things changed once you made your way into high school and changed in a big way.  While your actions hurt me because I feel I have gone above and beyond as your step-mother, I really am having a very difficult time reconciling your actions towards your Father.

Your Dad has been there for you through everything.  Everything! He went to every concert, sporting event, teacher conference, etc., etc.  There were only one or two times that he couldn’t be there because of his job but that’s it, over all those years.  He tried to support you in the things you wanted to do.  He tried to be there for you when you went through the “going from little girl to young woman” time in your lives.  He may not have always known what to do but he made every effort he could.  He has been a constant, stabilizing force in your lives.

The way you have thanked and respected him is to shut him off completely.  Both of you have moved out of our house during high school because its more fun at Mom’s.  In other words, your Dad had rules, nothing overbearing, but expectations while your Mother did not.   Instead of trying to talk to your Dad, you screamed, yelled, ranted and raved, threatened to runaway and then moved out and cut him off completely.  He has reached out to both of you.  One daughter, you have totally ignored his efforts to reach out to you.  The other daughter, he has tried to help you with money when you’ve been really short on cash.  How did you thank him, us really? You came into our home while we were at work and robbed us.  To violate us that deeply and personally, moves me beyond words.   To do so, with premeditation and later show absolutely no remorse, is beyond words.

What the two of you have done to this man, a genuine, good and loving man, has brought me to tears.  In fact, I’m cried out and I don’t know how to help him through this.  He told me he is afraid that he’ll die without there ever being a reconciliation of any kind.  To that, my only answer is that it will be a burden both of you will carry the rest of your lives.  In fact, and I hate to say this, I hope you do carry that burden.  To do to him, to anyone for that matter, what you have is beyond comprehension to me and the rest of our families and friends.  Your behavior is beyond appalling.  Disappointment is too good a word to use.  I like to think that I’m a good Christian and that I can forgive and forget but I don’t know if I can.  Not that that would matter to you.  I’m not sure I can come back from this, I don’t think I can get beyond what you have done to your Dad.  I had always hoped you would want the kind of loving relationship I had with my Dad, that’s what I dreamed of for you both.  I guess its just not important to you.

Some day, it will be important to you and then it may be too late.

Your Step-Mom

When I first met my husband, your ex-husband, we took things slow, getting to know each other before introducing the kids to a new relationship.   When we each met the others kids, and all the kids met each other, it was wonderful.  Everyone truly enjoyed each others company, the kids acted like they were blood brothers and sisters.  It solidified in our minds what we suspected, we had a great thing going.

Within a few months of our relationship turning serious, you got jealous.  Jealous of the fact that your now ex-husband had moved on, even though you are the one who had an affair.  He took you back, tried to work on things with you, but then you said you wanted out because you didn’t love him anymore.  He moved on while you wallowed in true bitterness.   You were so embittered we were afraid to tell the kids the date we were getting married because we were afraid you would try to sabotage it.  Imagine trying to plan a quiet wedding and worrying about a bitter ex-spouse ruining it.  One week before we married, your ex-husband introduced me to you.  You looked me up and down from head to toe, and then turned your back on me and talked to him as though I didn’t exist.

Things escalated … because of your bitterness.

Imagine how, as a mother, I felt when you called to accuse my sons of being dangerous to “your” girls.  They were 7 and 11, they weren’t going to do anything bad to the girls.  And besides, they aren’t just “your” girls, they belong to their father just as much as they do to you.   Imagine how you would feel if someone accused your children of something that heinous.  And you never apologized.

Imagine how, as a mother, I felt the night you called while your ex-husband was helping me bring groceries in and my older son, 11 at the time, picked up the phone.   You went absolutely ballistic and screamed at the poor kid because he was home “alone” with “your” daughters.  Imagine how you would feel if I ever treated “your” daughters that way.  And you never apologized.

Your ex-husband and I have been married more than ten years now and while you have given us way more grief than anyone on this planet deserves, I do not regret for a minute marrying him.  When “your” daughters wanted to call me Mom, I gently explained that I’m not their mother, I’m not replacing you but I would love it if they would think of me as another adult who loves them and wants the best for them.  I’ve made treats for their classes, garters for homecomings and proms, gone to Brownie and Girl Scout meetings, taken them to their Religious Ed classes, took days of vacation to stay home with them when they were sick, gone to every concert and numerous sports events they were in over the years, taken them to the doctor/dentist, taken them shopping (a girls day out kind of thing), helped with homework, gone to teacher conferences and much more.  I’ve done nothing but treat them the same as I do my own children with no intention of trying to step on your toes.

Instead of being the least bit glad that I’m not some kind of Cinderella type step-mom, you became even more embittered.  It is glaringly obvious that you have planted seeds in the two girls minds, not just about me, but also about your ex-husband.  Neither of us deserve that, we’ve done everything we could to keep the girls best interests at heart.

But you have worked incredibly hard to destroy everything your ex-husband and I worked very hard for.   We fought you every other year in court because it was the right thing to do.   “Your” daughters deserved to be with their Father  50% of the time and obviously the courts agreed.  But you didn’t stop, you kept up your tirades and constant baloney.  I had truly hoped you learned something from the last go round, that you are not the best parent or you would have won full custody.   But, sadly, I was wrong.  You had no idea what the girls were doing on the internet until your ex-husband called you.  You call the girls in for school absences at the drop of a hat.  Did you see how many absences the older girl had last year? Did you read the truancy letter that was sent out? We got a copy, I’m sure you did too.  You didn’t know that one daughter was failing the one class she needed to pass to graduate until your ex-husband called you.  And most of that time one was living with you full-time because “its fun at Mom’s”.  The other girl moved in with you the following year for the same reason.   And one has a police record now and you still look the other way and ignore the issue.  You think you’re such a great parent but you have had multiple relationships over the years; so much so that maybe you should have a revolving door installed on the front of your house.  Maybe you need to do some exploration of your habits since both girls have STDs and one already has a child.  You’ve done a wonderful job of leading by example.

You’ve been a friend to the girls, not a parent.  That may work as the kids get into their adult years but not in the formative years.   You’ve done a bang up job lady.  You have not only filled their heads with a ton of bull to the point that they will not talk to me, worse yet they will not talk to their Dad.  Well, I take that back, they call when they want money.  Isn’t that nice of you? You’ve trained them to be mini-me’s!

I look back at all these years and say “wow”, your ex-husband and I make an awesome team.  We had to be able to survive all your baloney.  Sure, you’ve effectively alienated the girls from their father but at some point, they will realize who you truly are.  In the meantime, I feel no pity for you and I’m done being angry with you.  I will no longer waste a moment thinking about you and what your next embittered action will be.  This is the last I will ever say because I will not waste my time, breath or energy on your bitterness.    Because I don’t care.  Your ex-husband and I won.  We have a very solid, wonderful marriage.  He’s a good, genuine man who truly has worked hard for his family in every way possible.  He loves his family but will discipline and be firm when necessary, even if it makes him the bad guy.  He loves to joke but knows when to be serious.

In the end, we win, you lose.

Your ex-husband’s wife

When I met you, you were 4,6 and 8. You were sweet girls and I could tell you adored your Dad as he did you.  We did a lot together as a “family” even before your Dad and I married.  Once we got married, life revolved around our kids, but  because I had my own daughter who lived with myself and your Dad,  I have always felt you were jealous. Because of this your Dad and I have always strived to make things as fair as we could.  While I have always understood how hard that would be for the three of you to have Daddy living with us,  unfortunately over the years the jealousy in my opinion has led to a wall between my daughter and the three of you. Things have been said and done that have been unfair and mean and I have come to the point of intoleration.  You are now 16,18 and 21, Life is short, and I am coming to wits end as your stepsister is hurt, and sad…you will all be leaving the roost soon and I want everything to be better before all hope is lost.

Love Step Mom