The Stewart Family

Stewart, Family of 6: The beginnings

noreply@blogger.com (Kimberly) — Wed, 30 Oct 2013 04:29:00 +0000

I will never forget the smooth landing in Austin, TX September 10, 2013. I had always dreamed of the day we came back from Haiti WITH our son. We gathered our things and all 3 of us were ready to get off the last plane. There had been excitement for hours in the day and finally we were able to go home...go home.

We rounded the corner to see our other 3 kids waiting and in one embrace, we were complete...all 6 of us. Michael, Kimberly, Wesley-Grant, Sally, Kelly and Karis. Coming down those steps to so many who had journeyed with us will forever be planted in my mind and heart. I imagine it will be a moment I will tell of for years to come.

We all buckled up and waved our good-byes as we drove HOME. "PAPA!!!!" "DRIVE MACHINE!!!" said Kelly. Me and my oldest girl, Sally looked at each other with tears in our eyes. No words were spoken, but the tears from both of our eyes told much. We were exhaling from the end of our "journey of waiting". Laughs, tears, wonder and joy. Our van held all 6 of us in the first drive home.

The first morning, waking up and all 4 kids played. It was like Christmas around here and I still could not believe that we had entered the other side of this journey. The first meal, the first movie and popcorn on the couch, the first of joining our family traditions, the first of many firsts.

In these beginnings, we are living out many "firsts". There are joys and delights. There are fears and heartaches. There is so much to tell. I am a writer and so I find it overwhelming to write of the last 7 weeks b/c I want to tell everything to my paper. I want to share with you so you will see and so you will learn from our mistakes. I want to tell you of the sacred moments when we get to hold our son's face and assure him of truth and love and see life be born in him. I want to (don't want to) tell you how the tension of this newness and unknown territory causes me to crumble into doubt at times and wonder, "WHAT JUST HAPPENED?!" Or how we started our son in school, only to pull him out until next year...And about the first bday party he got to go to that he loved! and the first fall that gashed his head...his first grocery store experience....I want to document the time I realized I WOULD hurt Kelly, but that I would also tell him I was wrong and sorry....I would love to tell you how our son's laughter is magical to all of us and brings great joy into our lives...or that his tears are like that of a newborn and could pierce the heart with a fierce blow...there is so much to tell and document.

In these beginnings, there is both sacred and sinful moments. In the fierce battle of waiting for our son to come home, I thought I found faith, but now, I realize that God takes me to places my faith would never go, so that my faith will be made stronger.

I have quickly discovered many expectations hidden in my mind and heart that need be destroyed. But the tension that those expectations bring about, are what God is using to show me His face in light of mine.

I laugh out loud as I think about me, being the wife of my husband or the mom of these 4 kids. I would have never chosen me, but God reached down and saved me for this, for these steps I take. I look back and think, "There is no way me yesterday could be here today" But that is truth, isn't it. I am not who I was yesterday, I am being changed by the grace of God. His adoption of me to be in His family, to be changed forever, that defines me now.

I am thankful beyond what written words can describe. I am learning more than I ever wanted to. Only 7 weeks have passed and I can only imagine what a lifetime of moments will give to write about. But these first few months are our beginnings, places of great awareness. We Stewart of 6 have many broken pieces, but God loves us and has chosen us to be a family. And it is by Him and for Him that we are. May our lives and our stories ahead continue to point to that very truth. And for all the sacred and sinful moments that we are not able to write down, may we live in them, cherish and learn from them and may the love of our LORD carry us, change us and make us, like only He can.

Tomorrow, here we come.

Jude 1:24-25

²⁴Now to him who is able to keep you from stumbling and to present you blameless before the presence of his glory with great joy, ²⁵to the only God, our Savior, through Jesus Christ our Lord, be glory, majesty, dominion, and authority, before all time and now and forever. Amen.

Our last days of waiting

noreply@blogger.com (Kimberly) — Sat, 07 Sep 2013 20:58:00 +0000

I remember the night before I would be induced with our first son, our first child. I had prepared as much as I could, but yet, I lay there wondering, if I could have done more. I knew life was about to change in many ways, but I could not image the truth of it. I was about to walk into something I had not experienced, but soon would become my reality.
We wait here in Haiti. Everything has been done. We just wait for them to give us our Visa on Monday. Then we go home. I find myself in a similar place as the night before my first son was born. Gosh, we have prayed and longed for this day, but I did not foresee these last few days of waiting as it has been. How has it been?
Over the past 3 years, I have acclimated to the waiting, to the disappointments, to the bonding trips, the good-byes even. It has become my normal life. Though it has been hard every day to swallow, I would hope for the end, but lost sight to its reality.
As I wait over the next few days, my reality of what is to come is heard, but not yet experienced. It is a tricky place to be and hard to contain as a human.
I am the person in a race waiting, both at the start line but also the finish line. I have run a race that has taken more than I thought I had to give and I am exhausted at its end. Everyone cheers, and I am trying not to collapse.
But then, I find out, that the race I just ran was only the training for what is to come. These last few days have been a transition to rest and cope with this reality that is to come. I am at the line waiting for the gun to go off and the next race to begin. My mind knows it is coming, my body has been prepped for endurance, my feet are fit with the shoes to run as much as the race demands, but my heart pounds in this unknown that I wait for and I am afraid and excited all in one.
I guess everyone has a tension like this in their life at some point. I am thankful for those who go before us in these races who can help us and encourage us forward. I am thankful I am not alone, even if in this waiting moment if feels that way.
I am reminded of our Lord who has brought us here, who will move us forward.

Our first trip to Haiti, I looked out over this land from a mountain on top of the city of Port Au Prince. I remember thinking, this will become a part of my story, my life and I was starting the race of adopting our son. In the house we stayed at there was a sign in French and it said, "God did this for us". And now I can say, Indeed He has and God will do this for us ahead. Faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not yet seen. (Heb. 11:1) So I will hold fast to the confession of my hope without wavering for He who promised is faithful. (Heb. 10:23) Thank you for all who continue to pray us through these last few days of waiting and into the next race in our story.

The email came today!

noreply@blogger.com (Kimberly) — Wed, 28 Aug 2013 02:53:00 +0000

Today has been a long awaited gift. At 6am this morning we got an email stating that our official Visa appointment had been scheduled for next week. They really approved all of the work. They really would let us take our son home. I can't believe it. In the last 2 years and 11 months, the paperwork of our lives has been exposed and exchanged over many hands. And today it was all said to be enough, approved and the last hand had brought it to the end.

How does one feel in that situation? What do you think when you come to a place like that?

Gosh, I can only speak for myself.

When I started this journey, I had NO IDEA of it's terrain that would send my life into drastic change. I had NO IDEA what it meant to step into brokenness that was not your own. I had NO IDEA the cost it would ask of our money, time, friends, family, emotions and strength. I had NO IDEA the lessons it would serve my mind and soul. I had NO IDEA what it would produce in my heart. I had NO IDEA.

This summer our paperwork for adoption has flown through more hands than I could keep up with. We knew the end of this journey was coming, but never could I really grasp it. Montana, Florida, London and back to Montana. (Good grief!) Who could keep up with the Stewarts. But I heard an echo in my heart...."No eye has seen, nor ear heard, nor the heart of man imagined, what God has prepared for those who love him.." 2 Corinthians 2:9 Yet, I have been so jaded by the waves that have crashed upon me and knocked me down over and over in this journey. Can this really be true? So, I have walked slowly, wounded at the end of this land of waiting. I have found my summer to be a constant position of holding my breath and just saying, "God do this and carry me the rest of the way."

I remember a friend telling me, "One day this waiting will be over and you will not have it anymore." That has carried me through this journey, desiring so much to wait well and trust in my Lord who had brought us to this journey. The waiting is so hard and more often than not you don't believe it's beatings will ever end, but there comes a moment after entering into brokenness that you become thankful for it's wounds upon your soul. It produces new life and you lose the old. It becomes beautiful, though you would never wish it's beauty upon yourself. It becomes a gift.

This morning I woke up to an email that told me, "this journey will last only a few more days" How do I respond to that? Tears finally fell down my face. I feel like I have lost my tears over the last few months, but they came streaming down as my family and I embraced and then as we thanked our God for all He had done. Tears ran down my face as I exhaled, then came more as I begged God to bring the rest home. It is bittersweet to know you are done, but that there are still so many journeying behind me that long for their end. I took my 3 kids to school and thought about how much they had changed over these past years. This journey has changed all of us.

How do you respond to such a journey that has announced that it will soon end?

Right before I got married, I sat down to think about what I wanted to happen when I walked down the aisle. I can't help my sentiment. I told my friends, I just wanted to "take it all in" so that I never forgot. And that is what happened. I remember everything about walking down that aisle.

As I walk into these last few days, I want to take it all in. There are literally 100's of people who have joined this journey with us and I know that God has brought us all to see the final day when our son is home. I pray that I will walk these last days so that you might see that this is actually not about us, but about our God who rescues and redeems our broken lives. Watch with me and you will see what He will do. Because this journey is a apart of a larger story....this terrain may end soon, but another one is coming and I am ready.

ENOUGH

noreply@blogger.com (Kimberly) — Mon, 20 May 2013 19:05:00 +0000

Monday morning, here I go again. Attempting to walk right back into life after saying good-bye to my son in Haiti for the 12th time. But I find myself at a familiar cliff looking out into an ocean of unknowns.

The routine is typical. Kids back in school, looking at calendar to see what the week holds, grocery list, wading through the "to do's" that fill up my list. One would think that being gone a week would not effect much. And I agree, but it isn't even the week missed that effects me so much, it is the weeks that lay ahead that are hard to walk forward in.

I find myself at that familiar place again. Wishing I could go sit alone for a while and sort through my emotions. It is the good-bye and the waiting and the tears and the laughter with Kelly that is hard but it is also living between 2 countries . I step on a plane and I am instantly in a world of need or a world of abundance. I leave a world going fast and into a world who knows nothing of time or urgency. I walk into a world of order into a world of chaos.

I am changed...and continue to change as I travel between these two worlds...and yet, every time I get back to this world, I find it hard to re-enter. It is familiar more than the world of Haiti. But it seems that my world here can not handle the things in which the other world has taught me. I find myself paralyzed. Walking forward but numb and weary.

This morning I screamed, "ENOUGH!" I can't handle anymore. I am going to break down and I fear lose myself in this war that rages with the mind, the body and the soul....leaving me and many others on this journey wounded....weary.

How do we keep on? It seems the closer we get to bringing Kelly home the more bitter, "waiting" is. Perhaps this journey is simply to prepare us for the next journey of having him home.

As soon as I screamed "Enough!" I heard the Lord say, "Has my grace run out? My strength run out? have I run out?" "Enough, means there is no more help to move on....am I all knowing to say that God has run out?"

We are a people who filter our lives through the truth that God has set before us. We wearied out a long time ago on our own thoughts, strengths and beliefs. We have found the truth of God to set us free over and over and carry us through the greatest battles and into the greatest victories. But as we wait for Him to make all things right, as He will one day, we waver in unbelief in moments like this.

2 1/2 years between 2 countries seeking to bring our son home. Is this God forgetting about us? oh, we have asked that question a million times. But though we doubt, truth remains. God has not forgotten. He is on the move...He is working in all things to bring about something beautiful. And often we can only find a few of the thousand things He is doing.

Our friends who wait with us, You know this journey I speak about, don't you? You know the Monday morning after Skype days with our kids or after Bonding trips that end in "not yet, my child". You know that shaping that is happening in our hearts and minds. I am so thankful for you.

Rather than saying, "ENOUGH!" today I am reminded that God has not run out. That is my battle- to believe HIM. His nearness is our good. What I really am screaming for is my need for "enough strength, enough grace, enough provisions, enough mercy, enough power, enough justice." Is my God enough? He says he is. And so that is what I will bank my life on today...even if I can't get my schedule together or motivation to get back into "life".

When I have had enough, He is enough.

And I can trust that my son will come home, when God Himself, says, "ENOUGH". Not a minute will continue as it is and my son will come home. And we will be able to say, "God was enough for all of our needs"

Though I walk slowly back into this world today, I walk. And trust that the Lord who directed me in this path will see me through it to the very end.

Help me believe, Lord, Help me believe! ENOUGH! Be ENOUGH for us, Father!!

Psalm 40:17 As for me, I am poor and needy, but the Lord takes thought for me. You are my help and my deliverer; do not delay, O my God!

HOPE deferred makes the HEART sick but a desire fulfilled is a TREE OF LIFE!! Proverbs 13:12

noreply@blogger.com (Kimberly) — Thu, 11 Apr 2013 05:49:00 +0000

Typically, when I have talked about Haiti and adoption, it has been about our own son, Kelly, whom we are waiting to bring home from Haiti....but today I want to introduce you to the other "Kelly" I found in Haiti.

Kelleigh Black is her name. She was the friend I never knew I needed when I set out on this adoption journey. I don't even know where to start with describing her. She is one whom, when you meet her, you can't help but find strength. She is a nurse by trade but to her family and friends she is far greater...being a nurse is simply a disguise in which she is able to touch the worlds around her. Kelleigh Black loves LOVE. Maybe that is why she came to Austin, TX from Maryland and got a tattoo that says "Love Wins"...or because her story from the beginning, tells of one that loved extremely, to the ends of all things. She is a woman who has faced suffering even at a young age and yet found all the circumstances of life to be seen through the eyes of love. She will make you (or me or Karla or JoAnn or Christi or maybe it was Jill) laugh so hard that you pee your pants. She is crazy! She touches people's lives wherever she goes and brings freedom to hearts...but what lead her to me, or rather me to her, is that she followed alongside her magnificent husband with her 2 brilliant sons to find their other sons who lived in Haiti.

We met in March 2011 on a bonding trip with our sons...the first for both of us. Quickly, stupidity and a passion for justice bonded our souls...and for both of us...what started as a journey to find our sons...immediately humbled us...finding that these Haitian boys would touch our lives far more than we would theirs...a journey that would change our souls forever.

A bonding week that turned into a month that turned into more bonding trips that turned into more months and then a year that turned into 2. The journey of adoption was proving to be more than we signed up for. And soon we were discovering our own adoption, the one that led us here in the first place. In fact, many families joined us and this journey became more about our community than our individual stories. It was beautiful!

There are far too many stories to tell...too many miracles to recount of what our God has done...too many laughs to relive....But we hold them close to our hearts

Tonight, I am overwhelmed at this friendship that God would give to me. And not only of Kelleigh, but of her family, extended family and close friends.

ESHET CHAYIL!!!!!

Today and tomorrow all of us ,as well as many who have gathered over the last 2 1/2 years of her Haitian journey, will assemble our eyes to watch she and her husband come home with their sons from Haiti. Tonight, they landed in Haiti and the waiting ended. They have waited well and taught us much.

Tomorrow they will start another journey. We all hold our breath and then we exhale as we watch HOPE fulfill the longing in hearts....and the Blacks enter into forever together.

I am reminded of my Lord...who promises that there is coming a day...when he will renew all things and not leave us as orphans but come for us and bring us into eternity forever and all things suffered will be bound and glory will rise to the King of all Kings, Jesus who is our Lord and our hope.

So while we wait, we have a dim picture today in this family...All praise to Him today. He is enough. He has made a way and will continue this ministry called, Adoption. Glory to Him, He alone is our Hope and in fulfilling our hearts brings us into the tree of life!

Thankful that everything will be okay!

noreply@blogger.com (Kimberly) — Sat, 10 Nov 2012 15:39:00 +0000

^{Hebrews 12:28}

“Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us be thankful, and so worship God acceptably with reverence and awe”

The sun is shining through my window this morning as I wake. The faithfulness of God is more evident to me this morning than I have noticed in past mornings. I get up and breathe… “Lord, help me finish well…”

Today is the day before I leave to visit my son in Haiti. Today is the day that ends the “Week before I leave”. Tomorrow will be my ninth trip to visit my son. The “week before we leave” has been faithfully painful in different ways since we began our journey between these two countries 2 years ago. Tomorrow will be my 9^th trip to see my son who I long for daily, but also to leave him again. Tomorrow will be my 9^th trip to bring my son a part of his future, but also to speak of the future that is not fully clear yet. Tomorrow will be my 9^th trip to leave my worries here alone, but also to leave my 3 other children behind. Tomorrow I will walk ahead into this journey that has been both glorious and devastating all at the same time.

The “week before I leave” has always given me a fight. I am one that will make lists and plan…take notice of what is ahead and anticipate all of my needs! What I can not do is anticipate everything that will interrupt those plans to sabotage my entire goals of finishing the way I wanted to. I have many things lined out in my mind that that tell me, “Once this happens, you will be okay to go…okay to leave.”

Leaving is never something my mind, heart or body can fully embrace without concerns. Fears and anxiety come from the underlying knowledge that it’s impossible for everything to be ‘okay’ when it comes to leaving. I have a list: for the grocery store, for the packing bag, for the time with kids before we leave, for the things to do before we leave, for the bills to pay and the mail to send off. I think if these lists get done, then I will be okay.

But every day of that “week before we leave”, I am shaken. Every list, every need within my family, every road to accomplishment meets an obstacle that shakes my trust that things will “be okay”. I am like a soda can that is shaken causing bubbles to erupt and give pressure…leaving me to spew everything that has risen up in me due to the shaking of these obstacles.

Almost always I yield to arrogance and attempt to control my week. The irony is that this attempt almost kills me every time. I go into distress because I can’t get to the store because someone gets sick or our car breaks down. I don’t account for the normal emotional drama and parenting that has to continue despite my stress or to do lists. My attempt to control only yields fruit of anger, bitterness and blaming everyone.

As I am shaken by this “week before leaving”, I am reminded that I am not all knowing. I do not hold all things together. I do not rule time and providences. I do not know what I need. I cannot live on my own. I am broken, meant to be shaken, so that I can see that I need my faithful and loving Father who is God of all of these things.

My God is at work. And I have been adopted into His kingdom that cannot be shaken to destruction. He says that He will work all things for my good, to His glory even when I don’t know what that practically looks like.

I begin this last day of this “week before leaving”, that has been one of the hardest weeks out of the 9 times leaving, taking a new breath. I see Him. Despite all of the darkness that the week has seemed to give, the sun still comes up. My God is faithful and is my help. Nothing will be okay if I act as god and seek to help myself. But I know that everything will be okay because my God is indeed my help and it is my prayer that I will finish in this truth today.

So as we walk in this month of thanksgiving, I am thankful for the shaking that happens to me in my adoption journey. It testifies that I am not God, but that I need Him desperately. It testifies that I am a part of a kingdom that cannot be shaken and for that I am thankful and in awe of my LORD who has once again shown himself faithful. I will leave tomorrow and everything will be okay.

noreply@blogger.com (Kimberly) — Wed, 17 Oct 2012 13:37:00 +0000

Near Despair at the Edge of my Waters

Yesterday, I was on the edge of despair. We talked with our lawyer and found another thing told to us had in fact not been granted... said to be impossible. I sat down after that phone call and doubt began to grip my mind and heart. The raging waters of this journey of adoption were overtaking me.

Friends on this journey with us gave encouragement and others spoke truth into my despair. But my battle was fierce. It seemed that "having faith seemed like a denial of reality...." I looked at everything from the last 2 years from my senses and said, "I want to quit!! A quitter I will be, I don't care!" I wished for the pain to go away, the waiting to cease and all lost to be returned. Foolish. I sat foolish on the bank of my waters, cursing all that has become, not seeing the true realities.

Then a friend posted a video of a spoken word and I melted, as quick as sand melts when waters crash over it. It was called "strike the waters" and it spoke directly to my heart.

You see, this journey of adoption has had its seasons, but amidst them are moments when I am tempted to despair. Yesterday, I wrote this in my journal:

"I have fought for faith today. My feet are at the edge of these waters I have been swimming in for 2 years...I got out of this water today and was ready to retreat...to sit down on the beach away from it's depths and call it's win...and accept my loss. I was content to go back to the sand where I once built my castles. But I found that all my castles had been knocked down. I turned in my heart towards those raging waters who have tossed me for two years now and all I had was anger. I screamed out, "Let me be, you adoption journey!! Let me be!!" I sat in doubt and admitted the cries of my heart. This journey in these waters have been a place of slow death. I look up from the shore and see the waters roaring up and down and curse it with my might. I hate you! How dare you come and disturb my castles of pleasure and break through my walls, shattering all of my dreams. You take down all my creations like they are nothing.

My parenting skills, my plan of education, my belief that all things will be properly put in its place if you just work hard and do right. You take them down with a mighty blow. How dare you crash down my savings and make me ask for help as though I could not take care of myself! You knock down my schedules of time and seasons and expose my inabilities to manage this life!
You take my priorities of safety and security and snap it in my face. You erode the face of my towers and proclaim my failures and lack of control!
You take my naivety of rebuilding and continue to wash away all of my pride telling me to "pray to my god" Injustice you are!! And today in my despair I hate you! I hate you because of what you do..You rage upon me and seek to call my bluff. You call me out to your waters and seek to drown me in your depths. Maybe you are true and too strong for me. I walk away from your waters that give me daily, my salty tears!
I sit here on the shore running the sand grains between my fingers asking why..why so much destruction to myself..wasn't I fine before building my sand castles on this shore?"

And then God..He rescued me, as He has done every time.
Job 38:8-11
"who enclosed the sea with doors
When, bursting forth, it went out from the womb;
⁹When I made a cloud its garment
And thick darkness its swaddling band,
¹⁰And I placed boundaries on it
And set a bolt and doors,
¹¹And I said, ‘Thus far you shall come, but no farther;
And here shall your proud waves stop’?"

By the end of the day I stood back up to the depths of this adoption journey and said in my heart "I know the God who made you and so I stand up to your face. You nearly pushed me back to leave this place, foolishly thinking what has died in me was waste. But now I will rise, b/c the truth has overcome me in this place. What you have done to me, was meant to be that I might not be burdened in this fight. No more will you overwhelm me, I see just what you are, with my given sight. Your waves shall crash and roar at me, but when it is time, you will break at the sound of our Makers voice. You will move aside with great big tides and I will walk ahead. Triumphantly with jubilee, I will run ahead to the other side. I will remember this day that you nearly got me down, but then proudly say thank you, for all that you have done. Without you, I would have not been able to win the race I've won. I will get to the other side and this stance I will take. Unwavering and firm with shouts of joy! Thanking you, for your blows has shaped me for what I was meant to be!! Your injustice will no longer lurk only freedom will reign. There I will rest and make my new home without fear or doubt, only the story of my God to talk about."

"...because we're holding on to a reality that is more real than the reality we can perceive with our five senses!" Mark Batterson

that was my day yesterday....

Our journey of adoption....keep watching and see

noreply@blogger.com (Kimberly) — Mon, 01 Oct 2012 12:20:00 +0000

If you were to come over to my home today, I would have one thing on my mind. If you pulled a chair up to my table, I would serve you a drink and have only one story on my heart to tell. If you came scheduled or unexpectantly, I would still have the same journey to tell you about....our adoption journey.

One of my favorite things is to sit in a cafe with any person in this world and drink deeply of the stories of life. I wish I could take every friend and every stranger and have them over to sit and talk about life.

Two years ago today, I walked into a large building to attend a conference that was meant to expose me to adoption. I was on the journey of adoption but had no idea what was ahead. I just started walking.
Three months later I would be getting my fingerprints, shots, telling my childhood story and traveling to Haiti to meet my son. I kept walking, with many questions, many fears and extremely wide eyes watching to see what the next door would open up to me.

Two years later, I have more stories of beauty and brokenness, miracles and impossibilities, death and life. And in one sitting, I could speak of all of that just for my own life.

I used to see my neighbors in hardships and think it was too hard for them, now I point them to my God, who comforts in a way that makes them stronger and full of hope. I used to be afraid of risks and only walk in what I could see ahead. Now, I live more by what I don't see tangibly than what I can do with my own hands. We had $165.00 to start our adoption with and have seen God take both our own money and others and create $30K. I used to pride myself in my schedules and abilities to clean and keep everything in its place, now I hope to fold laundry within a few days after it is clean or have the kids clean the bathroom mirror and call the bathroom "clean". What I thought were perfections in me are dying, so that real perfection of God can be seen more clearly.

So today, if you came by my house, I would fix a cup of coffee or Hot tea and slice you up some pumpkin bread, as fall comes and I enter into another year of this journey to bring our son home. I would want to hear about your day, b/c my day is often too complicated to explain in it's fullness. If you asked me how I was doing, my eyes would probably fill with tears and I would smile as tears ran down my face. I would tell you that I am learning that hardships are not so scary anymore. If you asked me when my son would be home, I would say, "I don't know, but God knows and He is coming, just wait with me and you will see."

Then I would take a deep breath and tell you of the beautiful story God is writing in us as we have journeyed to bring our son home. You might cry with me, but at the end, all you could see would be God. You see, our story is nothing less than God himself writing life into us and all 5 of us are being changed!

You might say at the end that "you are so strong" or "I admire you" but then I would show you the wounds of my heart prior to my journey and tell you again of the One who actually holds and leads us. And it would be my only hope that when you left my house, you would understand more of God and your own story too.

Continue with us...as we wait and see what God will do. I have no idea what is all ahead, but I know our God will do it! He will bring our son home...watch him!

We will go to visit our son again in November and will be taking our oldest son, Wesley-Grant. With each trip, I panic thinking about having to leave our son one more time. But each time, I hope that it might be our last. The process in Haiti is very complicated to explain of where we are at and why. August 29th, we moved forward b/c of your prayers. Lord willing, we will run this last part of the marathon strong. We need you. Please stay with us. Wait with me on this pier and together we will all rejoice, not only for our son coming home, but that us and all of you have changed in this journey together!! It is worth it...stay with us and you will see.

Kelly Josiah Stewart 5 years August, 2012

Thinking of Kelly today on his Birth-day

noreply@blogger.com (Kimberly) — Mon, 04 Jun 2012 02:47:00 +0000

I am so sentimental. And so birthdays are not so much about a party, but more about a reflection. A marking of a moment. Looking at present, past and future and then pausing to celebrate. And so today, even though Kelly is not with us in our home, I can't help but think of his life all day today. Everywhere I went and in everything I did today I just kept thinking about him.

But I also thought of someone else. Kelly's Haitian mom. With my other children, I always remember their births on their birthday but for kelly, I can only think about the woman who gave birth to him. I wondered if she too was thinking of Kelly today and remembering the story she told me in person when I met her.

She told me that his birth was difficult and when he was born, villagers told her to throw him in the trash. You see, kelly has a disability. His right arm (his little fin, as he calls it) is fused together so that it can not grow correctly. He only has 4 fingers. Many in Haiti believe this is a curse and a child should be thrown away when they have disabilities.

I am thankful Kelly's Haitian mother did not see things that way. She is a God-fearing woman. And by His grace she saw Kelly's disability, not as a curse but as a sign that he had a great purpose.

WOW.

She told me that Kelly is her favorite child because of his arm. When she had to choose life for her son, she did every time. She kept him and she raised him. She made a most difficult decision that I would never want to face when she chose life for him again by placing him for adoption. There are many details in her story, but in the end, she chose life through love and sacrifice for Kelly when she brought him to an orphanage.

This is not always the story. But it is her story.

I will never forget talking with her face to face. I will never forget the love in her eyes as she looked on Kelly. I will never forget the love and pain in her eyes as Kelly did not even know her. He had no idea how much this Haitian woman, as he saw her, loved him.

I will never forget crying, she and I, as she petitioned us to raise him to his great purpose God had for his life. I will never forget her. I will never forget her words and her love and strength.

I imagine I will always remember her on Kelly's birthday.

Today, I imagined that Kelly was playing at the orphanage and had no clue that a woman in Haiti and a woman in Austin, TX were thinking of his life and trusting God for him and the purpose he was meant to fulfill.

Happy 5th Birthday, to our son. One day I will tell him many stories. For now, I am trusting and thankful to mark moments called birth-days.

The Waiting Room

noreply@blogger.com (Kimberly) — Sun, 03 Jun 2012 17:24:00 +0000

The Waiting Room

I can vividly remember the last week of my mother's life. She was diagnosed with cancer and one week later, she was gone. As quickly as it was, I will never forget that last week of her life. And one thing specifically I remember was the waiting room and the waiting by her side...watching...wrestling...and finding God.

The normal question after we get back from each family trip is, "When will Kelly be home?" I love and hate that question. I love that question b/c people are not afraid to ask us...they don't stop asking us even though it has been a year and a half now. I love that people continue to stick along side of us and don't forget that one of our son's is in Haiti and not with us. I love that. But I hate not having a real answer to give. How do you really explain all this wait besides blame it on Haiti or government or paperwork or this and that? So I fumble through my words in hopes to explain the realities but inside there is a wrestling that is often unexplainable.

This waiting room, as I think of it, is a place between joy and pain. The joy of the moments we get to visit Kelly and see him grow, the pain that we are not with him daily to help him thrive. The joy that we see him and hold him, the pain that it is only for a few weeks a year. The joy of running to grab him when we arrive in Haiti, the pain of saying "we will return, son" as we get in our cab and head away from him. The joy of meeting his Haitian mother and hearing of kelly's life as an infant, the pain as she and I both cry tears of all the brokenness of this story. The joy of our children talking of their brother and loving him far off, the pain as i place kelly's clothes in his drawer without him to wear them. The joy of saying hello as we see him over Skype, the pain as he stares at us and we wonder what he must be thinking. The joy of tucking him in bed at night when we are with him, the pain of him crying in our arms as he struggles to trust our love will never go away.

In our waiting room we ask many questions. Many questions of the process to our agency, the orphanage director, the lawyer, other adoptive parents. But most of our questions come screaming from our heart. I can remember the last 24 hours of my mother's life. I was pregnant with my daughter sally and had to leave my mom's side to go lay down in the waiting room. I lay in my husband's arms silent. And then the tears came flooding. And my heart screamed out, "WHY??!!!!" "Tell me why she must suffer!!!" My heart knew my God and believed Him, but there is something about suffering and pain that will cause you to ask and want to know more of God. "Who are you really?!" "I know you are doing something, but I can't see?? What about my mother??!!" "Are you there??" "Do you care?" "Do you exist!?"

In a waiting room when suffering or pain is involved, you panic to know "Is there more than what I see?" I begged my husband to explain to me, what the bible means when it talks about the gain in suffering. He was wise and let me wrestle in silence after my question and then he answered with grace and truth. If anyone knows about suffering, it is my Lord, Jesus. "Jesus understands better than we do that many times the most effective way for the glory of God to be advanced is through the suffering of His people." - As author Kelley who wrote, "Wednesdays were pretty normal", reminded me and my husband in that waiting room with my mom. On May 18, 2008 I got up out of the waiting room and went to my mother and helped her fight with faith until her last breath. I reminded her who her God was. I told her not to be afraid. I assured her that He was who He says He is and will do what He says He will do. And 10 hours later, she met that truth face to face and all of her tears were wiped away. All of her sickness was gone. And I had tasted faith and a greater understanding of my Lord.

So, I find myself again, in a waiting room as we wait for kelly to come home. It is a place between countries, a place between joy and pain, a place between questions and faith. I have to go to the end of all my fears and questions, because it is there that I find who God really is. He has been faithful to give us grace and faith in Him and what He will do.

Our waiting room is a place were we are becoming. We are being changed. Though I can't see all things, we are all changing.

Though we are in a waiting room, we still must live. We must go on with school, neighbors, friends and family in this journey of life. But this waiting room makes us see all these things we are living in differently. And I am thankful for that. One day Kelly will come home and we will enter a new journey. But in the meantime, we are finding who God is. We are experiencing love and generosity from so many people who help us fight in this waiting. In the meantime, we are finding new life.

Today is Kelly Josiah's 5th birthday. When we met him when he was 3 1/2 years old, I never imagined we would be apart on his 5th birthday. But it is what God had for us. Not because He is not or He can't. But because He made us and knows what is best. Because He sees all things. He has all power. He is who He says He is. He will do all things right and bring our son home, when it is good for us and for kelly. For now, we will celebrate in the waiting room and live until God sees fit to end that time. And then, the waiting will be over. We will take a deep breath and breathe new life, not because it is over, but because we persevered and God's grace helped us endure the Waiting Room and bring us to a place were we came face to face with God.

Living between 2 Countries

noreply@blogger.com (Kimberly) — Mon, 13 Feb 2012 13:35:00 +0000

It was 10:30pm and we landed in Austin, Texas. Another trip there and back. Exhausted.

I make my way around the gates and Stew goes ahead of me to get the car. I find myself imagining again...like I always do as I arrive back in Austin.

Imagining when my hands will have more than bags and my heart will be full with more than tears. I imagine the day when our son will come home and we will round the corner and head to baggage claim ending the life between two countries. It is the same thought each trip.

I come down the escalator and notice a group of folks waiting at the bottom. Turns out some kids are coming home from the Ukraine. Wow! Their life between 2 countries is ending..the very moment I imagine often in my mind. The Lord is gracious to give Hope as we often see others coming home when ours is not.

I realize as I wait for my baggage and watch the joy of others, today is just not the day. Kelly Josiah is not coming home today. We must continue to wait.

We just returned from Port au Prince, Haiti. It is our 6th trip. Traveling every 3 months between our children here and child there has become a new normal. Waiting has been a learned thing.

I am actually thankful for the things that each trip teaches us. We have gotten to know so many beautiful families!! I am honored to learn from another country apart from my own. Each time I enter Haiti, I feel closer to it and understand that is is a part of our family now b/c it is the culture of our son. I view it differently than if I were visiting some country for the first time, only to learn and walk away back to my own. I will never walk away from Haiti. It is a part of us now.

We got to meet Kelly Josiah's birth mom this trip. I was scared. I was nervous. Would I be good enough for her? Would Kelly wish to be back with her? Would his mother want him back? What to expect? I had too many thoughts.

She arrived about 4 hours late....typical Haitian time. =) But I was given courage that did not come from my own strength. I walked up to her and pointed Kelly out. She smiled. I gave her a hug. Kelly does not remember her well and would not go to her. I felt pain for her. She smiled bravely and patted Kelly on the shoulder not forcing him to go to her.

We went upstairs for lunch. This was a very strong woman. She was very articulate and knew why she came. She told us that many in her village had told her that she would never hear from us again once Kelly was in America. She said she wanted us to see her face so that we would not forget her and ask that we send her pictures. We told her with great joy that we would absolutely keep in touch.

We asked her questions about kelly's birth and life before we knew him. She told us stories. She helped us to see that Kelly was her favorite son, b/c of his disability. She told us that she knows God has a great purpose for his life. We agreed with her and shared about the things we believed and had seen in him already.

Then, I had to ask her. "Is this what you want for him? or do you wish to parent him?" With no hesitation she said she chose this for his life. And she proceeded to petition us to raise him for the purpose he was intended. I asked again, "Are you sure...this is your choice and not someone else's?" She confirmed it was her decision. She loved him so much that she chose this for him.

I am learning that the world is not lived through the grid in which I often see things. She did not give him to adoption b/c she did not love him, but B/c she loved him, she gave him to adoption.

I am constantly learning between my 2 countries. They each effect each other and I travel between them with so many lessons and some opportunities to apply them.

I know one day it will not be like this. But I am trusting that our lives will never be the same because of this journey.

We are learning to take the gifts in our waiting and living. This trip gave us a precious gift of a woman....a mother....who loved her son. It gave a new motivation to pursue and love Kelly bravely.

Before she left I was able, with many tears-she and I, to look her in the face and tell her that we would love her son as our own. That she would not have to worry. That together...she and I would mother Kelly Josiah to the purpose God intended for his life.

Waiting until our next trip...trying to apply here what I am learning there...

Christmas

noreply@blogger.com (Kimberly) — Sat, 17 Dec 2011 15:31:00 +0000

John 1:12
But as many as received him, to them He gave the right to become the sons of God, to those who believe on his name;

Like every family..Christmas season brings us many things to "do"...many wonderful enjoyable things..parties, cookie making, getting our Christmas tree from the farm, Decorating, hot chocolate...school parties, good gifts.

But unlike some families, Christmas has a deep life meaning for us. It is the celebration for us that our Saviour did come. It reminds us who we are and why we are here. It perseveres us ahead into a new year.

The pictures in this post show smiling faces. They might make you think of a "happy family". We are happy indeed, but what the picture can not tell you is why we are happy. It can lead you to believe something about us. But I wanted to clarify that our lives really represent something about someone else.

What you can not see in these pictures is that most days, I am desperately in need of people's approval. And I will do good and bad to gain approval..to know "I am okay..I matter" I am desperate to feel loved.

What you can not see in these pictures is that my husband is desperate for power. He wants to influence as many people as possible so he can know "He is okay..He matters" He is desperate for love.

What you can not see in these pictures is that Wesley-grant and Kelly (our son who we are adopting from Haiti) are desperate for power and control. Wesley-grant wants to know he can be a leader...kelly wants to make sure no one hurts him again. They are unsure of love and their need of it.

What you can not see in these pictures is that Sally and Karis are desperate for approval and power. Sally wants to please everyone and never fail so that she will feel loved. karis wants to be in charge so that she can feel like she matters and is loved.

We are 6 people who can not make it on our own. On our best day we fail. On our best day we take credit for greatness and suppress the truth of God. In our grandest work our hearts want to be better than others and never allow anyone to matter more than us.

We are desperate people.

But there was Christmas. A long time ago, Jesus came. He came to do what He said He would do. He knew those he made before us, us, and those after us and that we would be desperate. That we would suppress His truth and try to find love on our own. We would create all kinds of ways...all kinds of pictures that looked like we had it all together. But God, who made us, knew our greatest need. And only He could come to save us when we could not save ourselves.

Christmas for us is the hope of our lives. Jesus came to do all we couldn't. Jesus came so that we would know we were loved. And as He says in His word, "give us the right to become children of God." No longer desperate or orphaned on our own. But saved. To learn a new way. To understand why we are here. To pour truth into the most terrible lie: "God does not love us".

This christmas, we will enjoy the traditions, the parties, the decorations, good gifts...but we celebrate b/c of the greatest gift ever given to us....Jesus.

What you also can not see in this picture, is that God is making us new...He is taking our brokenness and working for us. It is His work, not ours that makes all things well.

Christmas is life for us..and we are forever changed b/c of it.

I was afraid

noreply@blogger.com (Kimberly) — Wed, 23 Nov 2011 15:54:00 +0000

We were flying over the Haitian Mountains...about to land...I opened up the bible and read psalm 92...3 things stuck out...The lord's lovingkindness in the morning and his faithfulness at night....God's work, not mine. I closed it and took a deep breath...we were about to land in a country that seemed like a second home now...i knew the routine...the gate, the smells, the people, the language...i knew the walkway from the airport to the taxi that lead us into a country that brings constant thought....we were entering our son's country to visit him again.

We arrived at the hotel...he had been staying with another adoptive family waiting on our arrival. I couldn't wait to hold him and tell him we had returned and we loved him! He was the only thing in the country that really seemed familiar...home...

As I made my way up the steps to find him and the wonderful friend who was caring for him, i imagined again, with expectation, an emotional response...from him...to hug me with a smile and some how let me know he had missed me....but as I went to take him he tried to get out of my arms and started to cry.

I was afraid.

I gave him to Michael and he did the same...Michael held him tight and kept telling him we were here and we loved him. He held him until he fell asleep in his arms.

It was evening and we took him and our things to our room. Kelly Josiah woke up and we let him open his suitcase and look at his things. It was better...it was familiar. I laughed and talked with him. We tickled him and got him dressed in his pajamas. We hugged and played for a while. But behind it all, I was afraid.

I lay down that night and said something I never thought I would have said in the journey of adoption. "Lord, I can't do this." His word came to mind..."the Lord's faithfulness in the evening...His works...." And i fell asleep.

Kelly woke us up as usual and we got out of bed to go eat! He loves eating together! I took a deep breath and remembered..."God's loving-kindness in the morning..."

This trip brought a lot of joy...but each trip teaches me something. Even things I am not seeking to be taught.

For this trip, I was afraid. I was afraid that my work and abilities would fail this whole adoption journey. I was afraid to help a hurting child. I was afraid to make anymore trips. I was afraid to go home without Kelly again. I was afraid Kelly would not come home in time to learn English well and be in school. i was afraid Kelly would hate me one day. I was afraid I couldn't handle all that was necessary to walk ahead.

At the beginning of each day, I would wake with fear and beg God to show me Himself...at the end of the day I would lay down with fear but trust the He was faithful. I lived with this cloud of fear around me all week, but what is crazy is it didn't consume me. In the midst of being afraid, I was taught something.

Every night before bed, Kelly would throw a refusal tantrum about going to sleep and Michael would hold him close and I would stay close as Michael sang and told him we loved him. We have done that since we first met him. It has always been in those moments that I see myself. The Lord holds me every time in my refusals, confusion, wrestling...What a child really wants to know in those times is "Am i really loved?"

My insecurities about Kelly are stemmed in my own insecurity with God. Does He love me? Will He be faithful? Is it my work, or HIS WORK?Was I adopted into God's family by my work? Did God's work fail the journey or make the journey of adoption for me? Is His loving-kindness forever and His faithfulness for all eternity? Am I His child, loved?

It was God's work that set me free. (romans 5:8, Galatians 4) He did not and will not fail. (Deut. 32:4) He loves me. I am His.

The same truth to save me will be the same truth to save Kelly Josiah. I see that he and I both have insecurities in this whole adoption story...but it will be God's work, love and faithfulness that will rescue both of us. The Lord is carrying both of us.

Michael and I started this journey begging God to work apart from our abilities or resources....so that when times came and it got hard...I got afraid...We would be reminded that this story is God's and about His work. That His work would assure us we were right were we needed to be. And we could breathe and trust moving ahead.

That is exactly what happened this last trip. And as I ponder it and find myself walking forward instead of running away I am overwhelmed with His love, faithfulness and Great works and give Him praise!

We journey ahead...not b/c of our works but b/c of the One who has saved us. We wait for Him. Wait and watch with us. He is writing a great story of His love.....Stay with us, you won't want to miss what God has in store. =) thank you for praying us this far...continue with us ahead.

I was afraid, but God has me.

from Psalm 92

It is good to give thanks to the LORD, to sing praises to your name, O Most High; ²to declare your steadfast love in the morning, and your faithfulness by night, ⁴For you, O LORD, have made me glad by your work; at the works of your hands I sing for joy.

⁵How great are your works, O LORD!

Your thoughts are very deep!

Everything Rides on Hope

noreply@blogger.com (Kimberly) — Mon, 07 Nov 2011 02:32:00 +0000

We are heading to Haiti again in a week. The trips to Haiti have become a new normal for us. We all start to get that feeling again...of leaving each other...the kids and stew and I. But we start our conversations again about now...and we remember God has carried us through this before...He always provides...and Kelly has not seen us for 3 months. We all take a deep breath and trust.

We got to skype with Kelly today and it was good for the kids to talk with him...to see that their brother needs us to come to him. After we skyped, i just sat on the floor of my bedroom. I wanted to burst into tears, but they were held back. I just thought, "Will he ever come home?"

We have been waiting since June 1st for a document to complete Kelly's Birth Certificate. Our dossier has sat waiting on his papers since August. Many who have walked this Haitian trail before can say, "yep, that is Haiti." But when it is your story...the waiting and the wondering and the praying and watching can come to a halt one day and you ask...will this 'new normal' ever end? You come to a place when you look for Hope. And you realize it is not found in any Haitian, agency or orphanage worker....it is not found in man.

A friend texted me this morning and said she woke up praying for kelly, the paperwork and for his homecoming. Tears came down my face as I thought...."My friends are carrying me when i have sat down in weariness." I am so thankful for the many of you who are walking with us! So thankful!

"Will he ever come home?" That is the storm that rages these days within me. But I was reminded of truth from a song and the Lord continues to bring me back to that. Everything truly rides on Hope and Faith. Since I was adopted into God's family...that is my journey. I so quickly forget...When the storm rises within me, i want to head for the shore. I have forgotten that I am not my own. This journey of adoption was not designed by me. I am God's....Kelly's story is God's and we as a family are riding on HOPE in His work, not ours.

Please continue to pray for us as we journey ahead. Here is our story captured so far...I am waiting on part 2....until then, the Lord of all will set my sight on His perfect provisions and carry me. And I will let my faith rise to Him alone. Where else would we ever go?!

Yes, Kelly will one day come home...until then...stay with us...we are still walking this road and need you with us.

http://vimeo.com/31232831

When the world has broken me down, your love sets me free. Everything rides on HOPE now. Everything rides on FAITH some how. I am not my own. I have been carried by you, all my life. You have become my heart's desire...i now see a grace that is higher. Your love sets me free. When my life is like a storm...rising waters...all i want is the shore...If everything comes down to love...then why am i afraid? when i call out your name...something inside awakens in my soul...how quickly i forget...i am yours...i am not my own...i have been carried by you, all my life...from the song "Hope Now" by Addison Road

What Haiti is teaching Us...Faith

noreply@blogger.com (Kimberly) — Mon, 22 Aug 2011 18:25:00 +0000

"Kelly fell, get him!!!!" screamed stew. It was Thursday evening. Our last evening in Haiti. We had just finished dinner and were off to bed. The big ache had been within me all day. Tomorrow I would say good-bye again and continue the waiting for our son to come home.

But suddenly the ache turned in to a cry out to Jesus and I went to rescue my son from his fall.

Stew picked him up and we went into our room. Blood was all over his face. I grabbed towels and applied pressure where his wound was. Kelly's little world had turn quickly from happy looking at lights into fear and cries. "Mama's here...Mama's here, kelly." Was all I could say over and over to him as I kept the towel over his wound with pressure. I will never forget that moment. It was fast and furious to help him, call the Orphanage and cradle him in our arms reminding him that Love was all around him and that he did not have to be afraid. I remember looking at him between his cries while stew ran to get a phone and said, "Jesus will heal you, kelly...Jezi loves you, Kelly." And as he calmed down, i found again my own story in my son's story...he and I are the same...wounded in need of Jesus to heal us.

Stew returned and held him, "Papa loves you...mama loves you...Jezi loves you." he would say over and over in English and then in creole. We prayed over him and waited for the Orphanage director to get there. We knew that he would have to return and we would have to say our good-byes that night.

Our last week in Haiti was different than the rest. The first trip was "magical" with everything new....the second was somewhat difficult, struggling with discontentment in waiting, frustration with the culture and language, insecure of self....but this last one, things have changed for all of us...We went to Haiti seeking God's wonders that are without number. We saw so much of what God has been doing in us and in Kelly. Haiti is teaching us.

Teaching us most that we can trust in our LORD. He is faithful. His love is never-ending. He is our God, even if we don't see Him as such. He is working, even if we are sitting discontent. He is helping all of us. This trip we experienced a since of "Home". Haiti, for now, is our 2nd home. Our time with Kelly was wonderful. He is learning English and mastering so many new skills. Stew and I are trusting the Lord to direct us in parenting and loving Kelly.

But at the end of the day all 3 of us are HIS alone. Our trust in ourselves is fading as we find the Lord's never-ending love.

Before I left, I was reminded of the story of Peter walking on the water.

Matthew 14:28-33

Peter said to Him, "Lord if it is you, command me to come to you on the water" And He said, "Come!" And peter got out of the boat, and walked on the water and came towards Jesus. But seeing the wind, he became frightened, and beginning to sink, he cried out, "Lord save me!" Immediately Jesus stretched out his hand and took hold of him, and said to him, "You of little faith, why did you doubt?" When they got into the boat, the wind stopped. And those who were in the boat worshiped Him saying, "You are certainly God's Son!"

It was not peter's faith or lack of faith that caused him to sink or be saved. It was all god's doing. Surely Peter would have crashed straight down into the sea rather than sink slowly after seeing the wind. The Lord gave the wind, and held peter even as he sank. The Lord had peter all along...The Lord wanted peter to put all of his trust in Him, not in anything else.

We got out of the boat and pursued adoption as God had called us, but winds of processes and waiting have made us fearful at times. The Lord keeps his hand on us as we sink at times, but every step with Haiti has shown us our own story of adoption into God's family. We have cried out for God to save us over and over...and He has! Haiti is teaching us that God is certainly who He says He is. And that is changing us.

We walked Kelly to the car Thursday night. We prayed over him and against any lies that would creep in as we gave him back. He was calm at first. Then we looked at him and began to tell him as we have before, "We will return for you. Papa loves you, mama loves you, Jesus loves you. We will not leave you as orphan. We will come for you." Kelly began to wail. Tears flowed down all of our faces as the grace of God held us. We put him in the car and he was taken for bandages and to wait until we return. Stew and I stood in the dark crying together for what seemed like forever. But I could hear my savior's voice..."Trust in Me. I am working. Let your faith rise to be your sight. I will wipe away every tear one day...I am healing all of your wounds."

Isaiah 41:10

Do not fear. For I am with you. Do not anxiously look about you. For I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you. Surely I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

And so we are learning Faith as we continue to wait. Not faith in ourselves, the governments, our agency, our resources. But faith in the one who is faithful. The one who is savior for all. Our Lord, Jesus Christ.

Headed to Haiti looking for His wonders

noreply@blogger.com (Kimberly) — Fri, 12 Aug 2011 01:00:00 +0000

JOB 5:8-11

"But as for me, I would seek God, And I would place my cause before God;

Who does great and unsearchable things, Wonders without number. "He gives rain on the earth and sends water on the fields,

So that He sets on high those who are lowly,

and those who mourn are lifted to safety.

It was July 19th, another hot day in Austin, TX. I was picking up in the house as the kids were asleep on their beds. I glanced outside as I always do when passing by the window. There are so many stories outside my window. I am always looking. God has done so much on our street. A year ago drug dealers ruled our street. The stories I could tell you would fill a book. Now they are gone..stories for another day. But I still look, b/c there is always wonder outside of my window. The Lord's wonder. And that day, July 19th, he would give me another one.

This time glancing out the window I looked up. I saw clouds coming overhead...just like they had before...always empty of rain. I walked outside and fumbled through my garden. Looking at the plants, pruning what was not lasting in the heat, I looked up again. And the Lord pressed upon me this question. "Who is Lord?" "You are, God" I thought. And then "Rain" came to my mind. So, i looked up and asked for rain. I began to pray to God and show him all the plants that needed water and realized at the same time how much I need him. How much the earth depends on Him. And let's be honest. I thought if it poured down rain it might stop a few drug deals from happening in our neighborhood. =)

The clouds began to move and I looked up again. "God is there rain in those clouds?" "Will you pour it down?" I felt a few drops. Looked up. The clouds passed by and nothing else came...for the moment. I walked back inside and continued cleaning and thinking. "Do I really trust that Jesus is Lord?" There is so much unseen in this life but too often I find myself blinded by the things I see.

I looked out my kitchen window at my dead back yard and garden. You have to pick and choose which plants get the water. Curb appeal in the front won this summer. =) Then I looked up again. And I asked the Lord for rain. As I looked out my window I was filled with His wonder. I can ask the Lord, b/c if rain is what is needed, it can only come from his hand. I ask b/c he is my Heavenly Father. He is a father that gives all good things. I ask b/c He can, not b/c he should.

I went back to the front of my house and asked again. "Father, there is no cloud and no rain now..but you made them. Won't you give us rain today?" I sat down to read and then...... RAIN!!! It burst from the bright sky with wonder beyond wonder! Karis woke up and came running out of her room, "Mommy, it is raining...it is raining!!" I will never forget looking out that window again and seeing the rain pour down. With tears running down my face I thought, "You are LORD, indeed!"

A friend shared the verse in Job with me shortly after. It has taken deep meaning for me and in my house. Our prayer as a family is that God would show us that He is LORD. He is Great and does unsearchable things...WONDERS without measure!! If they are endless, then surely if we ask to see them, there is enough that perhaps we could notice them everyday.

We leave for Haiti Monday the 15th of August. It is a wonder of God. Adoption is changing us inside and out. The kids started school this week. They are sad, but love Kelly. They are trusting. I have to leave the 3 once more to go to the one. Then I will have to leave the one to go to the 3. I am sad, but know we are called to this. I am looking for His wonders in the midst.

He is LORD. Please ask Him for us, not because he should, but because He can do all things.

Our first year with KIPP Austin Public Schools

noreply@blogger.com (Kimberly) — Mon, 30 May 2011 19:59:00 +0000

Wesley-Grant with some friends from his class
The playground
Principal Justin Scott with kids at the Exhibition for the kids
Family Saturday Schools....watching some accomplishments from the year
Art Show downtown with students from Kipp...and Ms. Boswell the Art teacher
Handicap spots the kids made to apply things they learned to help their community

Engineering Class display from the year
Playing Haitian Futbol after talking to the kids about Haiti and Kelly
One of many gardens the kids have planted this year on their campus.

KIPP AUSTIN COMUNIDAD was first introduced to us December of 2009. We had been praying about school for wesley-grant. Never did i ever expect the amount of choices before us when it comes to schooling a child. I grew up in public school and that was all i knew existed. Now, there are so many systems of education. I am thankful to live in a country with options and so many opportunities for education. There are many systems and all of them have great things...all of them are broken in some places. In all the research, I have not found anything perfect. But what we have found for our family is specific provision for all that we asked of from the Lord when it came to education as we entered that season with Wesley-Grant last year.

We wrestled with which option to pursue when it came to kindergarten for Wesley-Grant. If you want to know all the specifics, let me know and i will share. But for now, I just wanted to post about the school that we ended up choosing, or really, ended up choosing us.

So, it was December of 2009 when we were told about KIPP from a previous teacher who was at our house at a gathering. That is where we heard about their first elementary opening and that it would be Dual Language. Spanish/english. Long story short, we enrolled in the lottery. Wesley-Grant's name was drawn and we began our journey into charter schools before we ever knew all behind their name.

I could write a book on all we have experienced this year. Ask me if you are interested. Tears run down my face when I think back to all that we valued when it came to education and how KIPP has provided more than we ever expected. Here are some of the highlights from our first year there:

Defining Education: Kipp goes beyond skill academics and focuses a lot on character. Being nice, working hard, Be safe, Tenacity, Honor, Quality, and respect are always taught. They value language and their students perform above AISD reading levels in both languages at the end of the year. Education has always meant more than academics to us and we have found the same at KIPP.

Language is valued: They take kids that speak spanish and kids that speak english and tell them that their language is valuable and teach them each other's language. They teach the value of both languages to each other and it creates an equal environment for both.

Community: Students are taught to apply what they learn to help their community. WG's class had to learn about difference and same...about disabilities. They spent a day being blind folded or riding in a wheel chair to experience what it is like to have a disability. The kids painted handicap spots on their school parking lot. They talked about bullying and how they treat each other who are different. They even talked about adoption and WG was able to share about Kelly. At 4th grade they will be working with Non-Profits to learn about community in their city.

Commitment:The staff at KIPP works harder than any teachers I have known. They are there morning until 5pm and sometimes longer. They work at saturday schools once a month. They are always available to answer crazy questions from us parents. One of the things that is amazing is how they support each other. When one teacher is out, the others step in to help. There are no subs. They are a team that is commited to excellence from the teacher to the principal. They see the kids for what they can be and teach them accordingly. They don't see them as they are, but where they are going.

Making a difference:KIPP teachers are telling the kids constantly that they "CAN". They let them know that they were made to be something in their family, community, city and in the world. They serve under-resourced kids and continually serve to support the families of each child. Hands down, they are training leaders of tomorrow and impacting the city of austin and beyond.

We are so thankful for KIPP. We are so thankful for the staff, for the families that we have met through saturday school and everyday life with students. Sally will start kindergarten next year.

Wesley-Grant has grown so much this year. It is a great commitment for us as a family, but not too much. Life is being grown everyday as we are apart of this school. We are growing as a family and growing in community with other families. We are so proud of WG and look forward to another year for him.

For more info on KIPP, you can visit their website at www.kippaustin.org. It is one of many educational systems. We have found it to be a place of provision for our family as we have started down the road of education with our kids.

Saying "yes" to everything, not knowing anything

noreply@blogger.com (Kimberly) — Thu, 19 May 2011 03:02:00 +0000

I remember the moment when Stew looked across the dinner table at me and pulled out a map and said, "it is time". We began to walk openly towards adopting. You know, the journey so far is kind of like marriage. You walk down the aisle and you make a vow. You vow to everything when you know nothing. You vow to take the good and the bad, not able to imagine there would ever be bad.

That has been how our adoption process has gone so far. We vowed to go forward no matter what...vowing to everything but knowing nothing until the Lord would/will show us or lead us through it.

The Lord has shown so much! Our agency, our country, our son. He has given us people, money, resources, packing lists, encouraging words, new friends, suitcases, plane miles, babysitters, car rides, provisions beyond our recall. Most of all he has given us His heart and story of our own adoption. We still have not recovered, and I pray we don't, from the mirror picture of Kelly's adoption to our own adoption through Jesus to God Himself.

But you know when you get to that point when the "honeymoon" time fades...like all good things here do....and you find the hard things...the waiting...the new things seem old. It is at that point when we either push through and find newness of spring after the winter snow....or we shatter in the waiting and turn to something else for comfort.

I found myself there the last few days of our recent trip to Haiti. It was like someone took a bag and put it over my head and didn't lift it until i got on the plane heading back for the US. I hated it and struggled to push through it. I am still processing it. I couldn't wait to go see Kelly and hold him and i found myself in the end wishing i was back home. I can't tell you exactly why, but as I have processed it over the last few days I have found a few things. 1. I never like to anticipate pain-Saying good bye to Kelly was something i found myself wanting to just run from this time. 2. The reality of the waiting for our son to come home completely disappointed me and I wanted to bail. 3. I became so self consumed with my feelings that I couldn't even see the needs of my own family...(Stew and kelly)

This trip was full of wonderful things. We learned more of Kelly's first mother. I am thankful to gather the stories to share with him and hold honor for him and her. We celebrated kelly's 4th birthday with a party. It was a wonderful normal! (birthday kid throws a tantrum and spits out his cake...but everyone else is taking pictures and says it is wonderful eating so much candy! have to be honest, but still enjoyed it none the less) We got to talk to Kelly about his name. "Kelly Josiah Stewart" He will tell you if you ask him...it is so cute! We got to talk to him about our house here and tell him we are preparing it for him. We got to love him through tantrums and fun times playing together! We learned that his stuff for his dossier is getting ready quickly to meet up with ours when it gets there in a few weeks.

I could and will write down a "proverbs 31" account of all the right and good things and celebrate them. And I will. But in between all the good and right are valleys we don't expect that teach us truths about ourselves, and ultimately are to point us to truth about God. And I want to write down those moments too. Because I have found it is in the moments of valley's or pain that we find our need for God and grow close to Him.

So in our "bliss" I have experienced the truth of myself that I can't keep a "vow". I really only want the right things...the fun things...the happy things...I don't want the low times, the dark times, or the self-centered times. I don't want the waiting. I don't want the pain. But I am learning that the very story we are experiencing of truth, grace and love with Kelly is my own needed story. I can't do anything apart from the LORD. I can never stand without truth, grace or love. I need it as much as Kelly needs it. The last few days there with Kelly are a blur...i remember feeling every insecurity I could have ever felt in my life. All my failures flooding my mind and me doubting everything behind and ahead. But someone told me they were praying that "hope would rise as I waited on the LORD" I could hear that faintly in the midst. By God's grace I waited through it without leaving michael, screaming in the streets of Haiti or hurting kelly. I waited. And hope rose. In my failures comes God's redemption. And all over again, I experienced saving grace...the need for every human life.

And so from this trip I was brought back to the strong truth that adoption (and marriage too) has always been God's doing and only He can do it. And by His love and grace we will all be changed from it in the end.

Continuing on ahead, knowing that to step into everything, knowing little to nothing of what lies ahead, is okay. If there is a step, then there is a place ahead to go. And Jesus will be there all along the way.

Heading to Haiti again

noreply@blogger.com (Kimberly) — Sat, 07 May 2011 04:36:00 +0000

Isaiah 30:18

Therefore the LORD longs to be gracious to you, And therefore He waits on high to have compassion on you. For the LORD is a God of justice; How blessed are all those who long for Him.

A mentor of mine sent me this verse today saying she was praying for my time in Haiti this week. It gave comfort in so many ways. The grace, compassion, justice and blessings that come from my Lord was what I needed to read and what my heart needed to cling to.

We are so thankful for all of you who are praying for us. All of you who serve us in all the details that it takes to go to Haiti. We are so thankful for all of you who are getting documents, sending requests and referral letters for us. To our agency who tirelessly works to get our documents ready for Haiti. We are so thankful for each penny that comes from each of you when we least expect it or when we never expected it. We are in the middle of this first part of our journey, but I just can't even keep count of all that the Lord has given.

He is writing His story on all of our hearts.

I found myself back at the post office again for the same document! =) Without kids, longer line, but with hope. I was able to ask so much of my Father in that line that worrying about the document or timing or kelly or picking up my son in 20 minutes faded away. I am finding in this season to trust the LORD in all the details of my life. I long for Kelly to come home, but I would never trade what God is teaching us as a family or displaying to all of you watching.

We are headed to Haiti again.

May 9-15th we will be there. So, here are some things you can pray for this next week. Every time you take a drink, will you pray for us?

1. Pray for our children in Austin. Our prayer for them is not that they would be happy and never sad, but that God would show himself to them in this tension of being away from us. Pray that they would know and trust that we love them, but more that God loves them and has a purpose in all of this. I pray they would sense the story of God. That what we teach them of our LORD would become real life for them.

2. Pray for Kelly Josiah Stewart. That the Lord would give him grace to accept and understand us and what is happening. Pray for courage as he takes steps towards us as we are moving towards him. Pray that he would feel our love for him. Pray for a soft heart that is full of hope.

3. Pray for us. Pray that stew and I would grow closer together in this process. Pray for our marriage to be strengthened. Pray for us to love and respect each other. Pray for our own courage and trust of the Lord in leaving kelly there.

Thank you for praying for us each time you take a drink. Our cups are full and we will drink of our Lord's goodness as we head to Haiti again. And of course, we will continue to share it all with you! Look for updates on facebook as we can.

Because you are my SON

noreply@blogger.com (Kimberly) — Wed, 27 Apr 2011 01:25:00 +0000

^{I find myself at that place again...between there and here. Between coming home and planning for the next return to Haiti. I find so much weakness on my part. So much need for Jesus. Day by day...minute by minute...He is faithful to carry us ahead. He is not only faithful, but He is so personal in helping us at each needy moment.}

^{I found myself in line today at the post office...for over 40 minutes. We have one document that has needed to be changed again...so i am waiting to express mail something again. 3 kids, long line, one clerk. You can see the picture! =) My heart was racing...my body was tense...I literally imagined myself yelling out at the clerk, "hey can you get any damn person up here to help, this is crazy!"...If God had not have been holding my mouth, i really think i would have yelled that out...i started to sweat like every mother with 3 kids in a long line waiting on time sensitive material...it was awful. And then, in the quietness of my soul, I sensed the LORD saying, "Lean on me".}

^{You see, that is how it works in a relationship. I am a daughter of the KING. Jesus is my LORD. But he is my Heavenly Father. I often forget his promises. I often forget that He has all my days and everything for me. I forget my own adoption. That he sent Jesus to come and die to appease the law that I could only break. He sent Jesus to do all the work that I could not do. He sent Jesus to give me all that I did not have. Why? Because He is my father. I am his daughter. At the perfect time, He opened my eyes and ears to see and hear his voice. To be awakened to new life and to be in His family when I was far off. But i doubt it in those moments like at the post office...or when people don't approve of me...or when I want to control my husband or children. I forget I am a daughter of the KING. There is nothing I could ever do to change my status. Jesus paid all for me, like a big fat debt. Because of Jesus' work, I am declared a child of God. I am a daughter.}

^{Abraham never wavered HOPE in regard to God's promise to him. This is a reality and prayer for our son, Kelly. We skyped with him last Sunday and he was like the first time we saw him. Just starring. Not really responding. There was so much behind his eyes. It was all i could do not to cry as we spoke that we loved him. That he was our son. That mama and papa were coming. We would not leave him there. Kelly has been left over and over by many. I feared that he had lost hope..or doubt us. My prayer is for HOPE for him.}

^{But despite. Kelly is our son. Though we left him, we had to. We have to go and prepare our home for him. Everything we have is his, because he is our son. But we must appease all the laws for USA and Haiti for kelly. We have to do this for him to be declared our son. But in the waiting, he is our son. We will come for him. We will not leave him orphaned. Kelly can't do anything that we are doing. He can't make himself our son. Only what we do makes him our son. Nothing he does or doesn't do will change his staus. He is our son and because he is our son, he can have hope and not doubt. He can believe the promise we have made to him, that we will come for him. Because he is our son.}

Because he is our son, I stood in the line today at the post office. And i heard the whisper of my savior that because I am his daughter, I can ask Him for all things. So I asked him for help in my weakness. I asked him for another clerk. I asked him for this document to get there in the perfect timing. I asked him for the patience to wait for the day He has planned for Kelly's home coming...trusting Him for the day I too will meet my savior face to face....and finally be home myself. And He did for me, because I am his daughter.

Thank you Jesus for your reminders of our adoption as your children. I pray that many more of your children will hear your voice and come to you.

Romans 4

¹⁸In hope against hope he believed, so that he might become a father of many nations according to that which had been spoken, "SO SHALL YOUR DESCENDANTS BE."

¹⁹Without becoming weak in faith he contemplated his own body, now as good as dead since he was about a hundred years old, and the deadness of Sarah's womb;

²⁰yet, with respect to the promise of God, he did not waver in unbelief but grew strong in faith, giving glory to God,

²¹and being fully assured that what God had promised, He was able also to perform.

²²Therefore IT WAS ALSO CREDITED TO HIM AS RIGHTEOUSNESS.

²³Now not for his sake only was it written that it was credited to him,

²⁴but for our sake also, to whom it will be credited, as those who believe in Him who raised Jesus our Lord from the dead,

²⁵He who was delivered over because of our transgressions, and was raised because of our justification.

JOHN 14

¹"Do not let your heart be troubled;believe in God, believe also in Me.

²"In My Father's house are many dwelling places; if it were not so, I would have told you; for I go to prepare a place for you.

³"If I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and receive you to Myself, that where I am, there you may be also.

⁴"And you know the way where I am going."

⁵Thomas said to Him, "Lord, we do not know where You are going, how do we know the way?"

⁶Jesus said to him, "I am the way, and the truth, and the life; no one comes to the Father but through Me.

¹⁸"I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you.

Waiting

noreply@blogger.com (Kimberly) — Tue, 12 Apr 2011 19:44:00 +0000

Romans 8

Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.

²For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has set you free from the law of sin and of death.

³For what the Law could not do, weak as it was through the flesh, God did: sending His own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and as an offering for sin, He condemned sin in the flesh,

⁴so that the requirement of the Law might be fulfilled in us, who do not walk according to the flesh but according to the Spirit.

⁴For all who are being led by the Spirit of God, these are sons of God.

¹⁵For you have not received a spirit of slavery leading to fear again, but you have received a spirit of adoption as sons by which we cry out, "Abba! Father!"

¹⁶The Spirit Himself testifies with our spirit that we are children of God,

¹⁷and if children, heirs also, heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, if indeed we suffer with Him so that we may also be glorified with Him.

¹⁸For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory that is to be revealed to us.

¹⁹For the anxious longing of the creation waits eagerly for the revealing of the sons of God.

²⁰For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of Him who subjected it, in hope

²¹that the creation itself also will be set free from its slavery to corruption into the freedom of the glory of the children of God.

²²For we know that the whole creation groans and suffers the pains of childbirth together until now.

²³And not only this, but also we ourselves, having the first fruits of the Spirit, even we ourselves groan within ourselves, waiting eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our body.

²⁴For in hope we have been saved, but hope that is seen is not hope; for who hopes for what he already sees?

²⁵But if we hope for what we do not see, with perseverance we wait eagerly for it.

²⁶In the same way the Spirit also helps our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we should, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words;

²⁷and He who searches the hearts knows what the mind of the Spirit is, because He intercedes for the saints according to the will of God.

²⁸And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.

²⁹For those whom He foreknew, He also predestined to become conformed to the image of His Son, so that He would be the firstborn among many brethren;

³⁰and these whom He predestined, He also called; and these whom He called, He also justified; and these whom He justified, He also glorified.

³¹What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who is against us?

³²He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him over for us all, how will He not also with Him freely give us all things?

³³Who will bring a charge against God's elect? God is the one who justifies;

³⁴who is the one who condemns? Christ Jesus is He who died, yes, rather who was raised, who is at the right hand of God, who also intercedes for us.

³⁵Who will separate us from the love of Christ? Will tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?

³⁶Just as it is written,

"FOR YOUR SAKE WE ARE BEING PUT TO DEATH ALL DAY LONG;

WE WERE CONSIDERED AS SHEEP TO BE SLAUGHTERED."

³⁷But in all these things we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us.

³⁸For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers,

³⁹nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

This passage was read to us this weekend as our family went on a retreat with our adoption agency...for rest and training. It was a gift. I realized there that I had been a "wreck" all week due to the longing and waiting in my heart for Kelly. But these verses of real life in me, give comfort to the real life in waiting for kelly's adoption into our family.

I don't have many words right now. I am watching myself change as much as i want kelly's life to change. It is hard. It is good.

I was reading Narnia to Wesley-grant last night and it talked about why lucy could see Aslan's face when others could not. It was because she "knew his face". Edmund, when being accused of all his wrongs by the witch, though he felt he must do or say something, knew that he only must keep his eyes on Aslan's face.

I must keep my eye on my Father's face. My Lord has never failed. He who made adoption will also see Kelly's adoption through.

So we wait. May 9-15th we get to go and spend with kelly again! I am so excited! 28 more days! =)

When you pray, ask for God to bring Kelly home (as well as all of our friends' children) this year.

More later

Shine your face upon us

noreply@blogger.com (Kimberly) — Mon, 04 Apr 2011 18:53:00 +0000

Psalm 119:135

Make Your face shine upon Your servant,

And teach me Your statutes.

I think back on the week with kelly. It seems so familiar in my mind. He is brilliant! He builds towers, plays with cars, jumps off of couches onto pillows, loves curious george now and is a child that loves life. He has an amazing throwing arm! We loved tossing the ball and saying "I love you, Kelly" with each throw. This was what helped us transfer creole words to english.

The next few days with kelly after the beach just became normal life. We longed for our other kids to be there, but we made life in haiti life for us and held on to every moment.

Kelly's first bath was hilarious! I started the shower and he looked at me terrified..."oh right, you probably take a shower out of a bucket"...so i asked him "where?" in creole and he pointed at the mini sink on the wall. My eyes were huge, but oh well. It is funny how when you are in another country that you don't mind trying crazy things. I would never have done this in america. Somehow normal gets thrown out the window.

So, he sat in the sink laughing while i scrubbed him and then poured water from a cup over his body. It was a blast! I bathed him more than i should have simply b/c it was fun! =)

I learned how to comb his hair, oil his hair, lotion his little body and figured out his look for needing to go to the bathroom. He loves brushing his teeth! Can't wait for him to teach that to his brother and sisters back home! =)

Kelly has been through a lot, but God has sustained life in him. I was amazed every moment at this kid! We taught him how to drink spark! =) My son is such a gift to us. He makes us think of the Lord every moment.

A new week begins today. We skyped with Kelly yesterday and it warmed our hearts just to see his face with our own eyes! It is a grace to us to help us in this journey. I know many don't get to see their children or hear from them as often as we will. I do not take that lightly..i am so thankful. Sometimes i think, "if i can just see his face and know he is okay, i will be better"

BUT Today, I was reminded that God's will is always happening. His rescue, His blessings, His plans are always working. As much as I want to see kelly's face, i realized that it is the LORD's face that i must seek to see to help me walk day by day. His face will give me great hope! His face is the face that will save my son. His face works all things. He alone saves. God has held Kelly this long and will hold him until he is home with us. I seek the Lord's face as I long for Kelly.

Waiting in the sadness and hope...our first few days

noreply@blogger.com (Kimberly) — Fri, 01 Apr 2011 14:29:00 +0000

Our first day with Kelly on the balcony
Beach fun!
smiles were endless...this kid was more and different than we had ever imagined before
Each morning I wake up and have to face 2 things. Kelly is not with us today. But I get to see him in 38 days. I waver between the sadness and the hope. I am challenged to believe His promises and trusting that God has taken care of Kelly this far and can take care of him ahead.

Stew got home Thursday and the reality hit hardest then. I no longer could skype with Kelly in the mornings to keep my pain numb...sight was gone and I now had to trust until the next skype call and the next visit. We linger over videos and pictures all the time. Our son Wesleygrant is even found with tears as he watches the videos and asks, 'mommy, why can't Kelly come home?'. Such a question that we all ask. But one that draws us closer to our Lord in dependence and trust that He is working to do just that. We wait for him.

How am i feeling...everyone wants to ask me this...some do, some don't. Well, we are overjoyed at the wonder we have experienced....but then deeply waiting for it to be not just a glimpse, but a full picture! I imagine the disciples felt this way after Jesus ascended to heaven. And even before that, John 14 Jesus tells the disciples, "I will not leave you as orphans. I will come to you." We hang on the truth that God loves Kelly more than us...God saves orphans and has led us here...and will lead us ahead. God will let us come again. God has a day when Kelly will come home with us. We are in pain, but with great trust held up by grace within us. That is how we feel.

So, "how did the first few days go." were you scared?

We arrived in PAP and made our way to the His Home Children's Home to meet Kelly. We finally saw him with our eyes...a longing we had had for a month. We held him close and he sat there. We proceeded to the guest-home to meet up with the other families and their children. All 3 of us were scared. Kelly seemed to be terrified...i imagine he thought he was being transported to another place yet again. Tears ran down my face. For him, and myself. He was scared...I was scared.

We arrived there and the Lord had already provided wonderful people to support and guide us. I am so thankful for the relationships and families God has placed us with!

We made our way upstairs, just the 3 of us, to all get acclimated. We were all 3 a little overwhelmed. We pulled out a box of toys we had brought for Kelly and we began to play with him. I had never seen kelly talk...he was talking and smiling as we played cars with him.

I remember being up on that balcony playing with our son for the first time. I was afraid that moment would be awkward...but it wasn't. It was normal...right. Did we ever explain that we were his mama and papa? no...we just were. We began to care for him as our son. everything we brought him was his and we began to live life as a family. I don't remember the first time, but it was that first day that kelly already called us papa and mama. We were his papa and mama b/c we treated him as a son. He felt has our son. It was just like we had come to see Wesleygrant. I will never be able to explain it...it was just something God did.

The next day we headed to the beach. I remember the car ride out there that took over an hour to go 10 miles...and thought as i passed by people, tents, mass graves, city and country....How in the world did i get here? This is crazy! Indeed, God brought us here and yes, it is totally crazy to human understanding. But then again, God always turns things upside down. =)

The first night, Kelly didn't want to go to bed...i can only imagine how different it was to be sleeping in a room with parents verses a lot of little ones. He threw a tantrum and we held him in our arms saying over and over in creole "mwen renmen u" "i love you".."Ou r bel, kelly." "You are wonderful, Kelly". I have to say that this happened every night but the last night. And it was not a disappointment for me, but one of my favorite moments of the whole time with him. Stew would hold him as he struggled. We both had our arms around him and would sing and say those things over him...sometimes for 30 minutes. He would settle down and we would all sleep. Each time i thought of how Kelly desperately longed for love...but didn't know what he longed for. I too...all humans...long for love, but don't always know what that longing looks or feels like. The Lord has and is doing just this with me all the time. I throw a fit with anger, worry, rebellion or hate. He takes me up in His arms and tells me, "I love you" "Kimberly, I made you wonderful." "I love you." And I slowly settle down to peace and I can truly live. I could tell that Kelly was experiencing a similar thing...I saw love breaking threw to Kelly's heart.

Our faith continues ahead to Haiti

noreply@blogger.com (Kimberly) — Wed, 30 Mar 2011 18:14:00 +0000

Psalm 82 1-3

God has taken his place in the divine council;
in the midst of the gods he holds judgment:
²"How long will you judge unjustly
and show partiality to the wicked?
Selah

³ Give justice to the weak and the fatherless;
maintain the right of the afflicted and the destitute.
⁴ Rescue the weak and the needy;
deliver them from the hand of the wicked."

With every child the Lord has given me, I have found more death to myself and more life in understanding the God of the Bible. With each season with them I find that faith is walking with no sight. Kelly is no different. My son in Haiti brings me down the road again of death to myself and life in the Lord. This journey of adoption has been amazing...and it seems to never stop. I understand more and more that rescuing orphans...change in any of us humans is absolutely the work of God and never the work of our own hands. I am brought to tears every moment it hits me that I get to walk down this road of adoption.

We went to visit Kelly March 22nd. Exactly a month from the day we realized he was our son. We got to spend a week with him doing life with him in Haiti. We were with other adoptive families and their children. As stew and i got on each plane closer to Haiti, I was in wonder, trust and uncertainty. We had been praying for specific things in Kelly and couldn't wait to see how the Lord had helped kelly. On the plane i was in a constant state of stuggle..leaving kids behind and living life with our son ahead. Faith...no sight.

But the good news of why Jesus came to us was clearer and clearer. Kelly was playing in the orphanage while we were flying nearer and nearer. He had no clue we were coming and that we had chosen him. He had no clue he was our son. But we were coming. We were packed ready with all the things he would ever need. We would arrive soon. We would take him up and love him. We were coming. Soon our eyes would meet and faith would soon yield way to sight.

My TWO Sons

noreply@blogger.com (Kimberly) — Fri, 11 Mar 2011 14:16:00 +0000

I know I am new to this journey. A journey many have traveled. That many know well. I have watched many go through it, but I have to say there is nothing like experiencing it yourself.

Since we met our son for the first time in Haiti, I find myself reintroduced to motherhood in a new way. I feel like I am here, but also there. I can't keep my calendar straight. Everything continues here, but something in me has slowed down to think and process there. Nothing will ever be the same. I have a second son.

Wesley Grant is my first born. I remember everything with him. Everything with him has been intense and over-concerning. He is my son. My first born. The child (bless him) who has to deal with all my mistakes in figuring out parenthood. I can relax with my girls, but my son...I am always navigating new things with him. He has been one of the things God has used to grow me more than anything.

When we started the adoption process, we were open, but felt like we had a son to adopt. Never questioned that. Back then, it was one step at a time with paperwork. I was filled with wonder and curiosity in who our son would be. Not intense, not over-concerned. Just ready to meet him. February 22nd I met him. Everything changed again, because now I had two sons.

People ask. Will you feel the same about an adopted child as your biological child. I asked the very same question a year ago to friends. I don't know if all people feel that way. I don't know. But for us, it has been a miracle in our hearts. I just can't separate my 2 sons in my heart. They are my boys. And I find myself on a new road that just might change me more than the roads i have traveled on before. And I find my self just stepping each new day into that journey.

A few days ago I found myself thinking about the 2 of them. One was at school the other was in Haiti. I realized in that moment how deep a love for sons can be in a mother's heart. I was praying for God to help one stand strong with Courage and the other to stand strong with Hope. I prayed for one to consider others better than himself and one to be restored from what others had done. I prayed for one to shine like a light and the other to be protected from darkness. I asked God to help one walk with the wise and for the other for Him to make steadfast. I prayed that they would trust and love the Lord with all their mind, soul, heart and strength. I begged God to show them why he made them and how they could have life in Him. I prayed the same grace that had been given me would be given to them.

Tears ran down my face. I realized that as much as I loved them and wanted all good things for them, I had to trust the Lord. He made them. He made them for purpose. He loved them more than I could. His thoughts and ways for them were higher than I could ever imagine. I had to give up control.

A thought came: "My sons have a rescuer!" This comforted me as i cried. My sons had a rescuer! Jesus...He came, so that my sons could be helped. He came so that my sons could stand strong. He came so that my sons could be wise. He came so that my sons could have hope in darkness. He came so that my sons could be restored. He came so that my sons could be saved.

So, I am on this journey...step by step...day by day...trusting...hoping...tonight, i am thankful for my 2 sons and can't wait until they are both in my home together. Another day.