Whether it’s a coworker, family or friend, you probably know a bull but don’t recognize it as such. You may even be the bull!

Here are three tell-tale signs you’re dealing with a bull:

1. Any request for a change in behavior turns into an argument unless you back down.
2. There’s no rational reasoning to points made when the discussion is emotionally charged.
3. You have difficulty finding a resolution every time there is a difference of opinion.

You may assume the bull is a dumb animal, one that can’t stay focused. Or you may assume the bull lets anger take over the natural thought process and can’t think clearly, but you’d be wrong. The bull is a lot smarter than you think.

Consider this:

• How many times have you walked away from the argument because you’re too frustrated to continue?
• How many times have you been run off topic and forgotten the initial point of the discussion?
• How many times have you been left emotionally bleeding in the dirt when you thought the disagreement was minor?
• How many times have you not bothered to state your case because it’s just not worth the effort?

If any of those points ring true for you, you’re dealing with an intelligent bull. The bull doesn’t want to be challenged, it just wants to live life as it chooses regardless of how it affects you. The bull wants you to give up because it doesn’t want to accept any responsibility for it’s own behavior.

Bull tactics:

• Refusing to Leave the Gate: Feigning ignorance and non-understanding. No matter how many times you describe something, the bull still doesn’t get what you’re saying. Stubbornness is intended to make you give up.
• Freight Trained: The bull runs you straight into a wall with accusatory statements. You will be so shocked by this offensive tactic that you end up defending yourself instead of trying to find a resolution to the initial issue. The issues you are being accused of need not be true or accurate, the tactic is to throw you off balance by using your own fear or indignation against you.
• Rag Doll: Much less obvious but still emotionally intense. You’ve been dragged around the ring. Typically involves accusations, tears or requests for pity. You may be called “mean” and “uncaring” although there is obvious evidence to the contrary. You’ll find yourself feeling guilty despite your right to have an opinion and feelings. Exceptionally smart bulls successfully employ this method even when you are the one who has been wronged. You back down because you don’t want to be the cause of any more pain.
• The Buck Off: Topic Changes mid-discussion, particularly about previously emotionally charged issues that you thought were resolved. Watch closely, when this happens you are likely getting close to a resolution and the topic change is a last ditch effort to stop it from happening.
• Swapping Ends: So many reversals in the conversation you begin to feel like you’re trying to pin jello to a wall. This can be multiple back-to-back buck offs or it can be the sarcastic agreement meant to discontinue the conversation. If this technique works, expect the subject matter to be used against you in the future. It’s perfect fodder for a future buck off.

Find the sweet spot on the bull’s back and bear down to keep the discussion on topic with these successful bull riding tips:

1. Remain calm despite the fear, anxiety & anger. Do not allow negative emotions to throw you off balance.
2. When the bull tries to veer to the right or left, bring it back to center by reminding it of the purpose of the interaction.
3. When the bull throws unrelated issues at you, tell it you will discuss those issues after the current topic is resolved.

The bull’s entire purpose is to get you off it’s back.
By remaining calm, respectful and firmly on topic, the bull will be forced to hear and respond to your point of view. If you’re dealing with a true fighting bull, the ride is not going to be easy, particularly if you’ve enabled the success of it’s techniques in the past.

When bull riding, injuries and subsequent scars are inevitable. There may come a time when you begin to evaluate the possibility of bailing out of the situation. Determine if the constant challenge is worth the reward; because even champions eventually retire.

When you’re on that bull, eight seconds is a lifetime.

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One of my shortcomings was my behavior in certain areas of my life, particularly when it came to putting everyone else first. Instead of playing the role of the Queen, I chose the role of Martyr – and we all know how that story ends. I placed myself on unequal footing from the outset of my adult life. What I’ve learned, is that no matter how deserving of equality we are, there are those that will never offer fairness until it’s demanded. Equality is a right. If you are in a situation where your personal or business relationship is not fair, consider how you are enabling the inequality.

Consider reading Queen of Your Own Life: The Grown-Up Woman’s Guide to Claiming Happiness and Getting the Life You Deserve by Kathy Kinney and Cindy Ratzlaff. (affiliate link) They offer women advice on how to value themselves. I enjoyed reading the entire book and discovered I was well on my way up the red carpet to coronation.

Thanks to Stacy Brice for the invitation to this book salon and to her many “Days” projects. Catch up with her on Facebook if you’d like to be a part of her next book salon or monthly project.

I disagree.

There is a purpose for every person on our planet, we need to determine what that purpose is rather than requiring they become something they’re not. This process begins in our schools when we force children who learn differently to adapt to styles that are in opposition to their natural skills. We then point out when they fail and they lose confidence in themselves. Instead we should be embracing those differences, finding their purpose and teaching them to enhance their skills.

I have never told my kids that I expect straight A’s. I’ve told them I expect them to try their best. My school experience taught me that I could try equally as hard in two classes and one would result in an A, the other in a C. There are so many variables out of our children’s control that has an effect on their final grade. Illness, teachers, ability to name just a few.

When I enrolled my children in the Worthington School District while living in Ohio, I was impressed when they introduced a grading system based on the Multiple Intelligence theory. I had personally concluded that many people learned differently after watching my children struggle in school when I knew they were incredibly intelligent; they just didn’t learn best by traditional rote methods. Many of the teachers don’t grasp the concept and instead try to suggest learning challenged children require medication to learn. When my eldest was in 4th grade, he was blessed to have a teacher who was not a “rule follower,” she looked at every student as an individual and tried to cater to each’s unique learning style. She allowed my son to work in her class while standing up. He excelled that year and developed the confidence he needed to improve his grades in the years following.

Multiple intelligences allows for a society of people who have different specialties and a variety of skills. Teaching or embracing those people who learn differently will ultimately serve our community better. The challenge is finding a fiscally responsible way of accommodating the variety of learning styles. My friend Kim Kassner of EmpowerMind is trying to improve lives by teaching people how to learn best based on their own abilities. Do you know of any other programs working to embrace and amplify our innate learning differences?

What surprised me over the past 20 years is that media hasn’t become more realistic towards women, they’ve instead begun to inflict the same stereotypes on men. There is one company that stands out as different from the typical image advertising barrage and as a result has my ongoing respect. I’m referring to Dove’s Campaign for Real Beauty. I love their advertising. I make a point of stopping to watch the commercials when they’re on. No other company has gotten that much attention from me over so many years.

My neighbor sent me the following video via email. It is meant to be funny but comedian Anita Renfroe’s message is a great one. Regardless of what stage of life you are in, take the time to appreciate and love who you are and how you look. “Make peace with it.”

Do you know any other companies risking their bottom line to promote a more realistic image of men and women?

The moment a child is born, the mother is also born. She never existed before. The woman existed, but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new.

Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh

Does setting aside a day to recognize mothers suggest we don’t have to appreciate them the other 364 days of the year? Expressing gratitude for those who have helped us grow should be a regular occurrence.

Make Any Day Mother’s Day

My grandfather regularly brought the investment of my grandmother’s time and love to the family’s attention. He didn’t wait for a national day of recognition; he let us know she had sacrificed by announcing his thanks and requesting our participation. He was thankful every day. This is the way it should be, not just for mothers but for everyone who plays a valuable role in our lives. Take a minute to appreciate those people and let them know.

The Best Gifts Aren’t Bought

Personally, I believe gifts are the easy way out. It requires thinking one or two days ahead of the event. Children and husbands run out to buy flowers or something else “thoughtful” to commemorate the day. Gifts are nice once in a while, but don’t equate them with love. The gift of time or the gift of a thoughtful deed and some insightful, well considered words should mean much more. (It’s a good thing I hold this belief because I’d have been sorely disappointed most years!)

Recognize the Martyr in the Mother

An important trait to teach our offspring is consideration and compassion. The martyr complex so many mothers have developed, is not in the best interest of our children because it teaches them to take us for granted. Our children need to learn to recognize when some one else has done something to benefit them. They need to realize the rest of the world does not owe them simply because they exist. That begins at home with a simple lesson of manners. “Thank you,” is more than just a social custom, it’s a start to developing gratitude.

If you feel unappreciated by your children ask yourself these questions:
Have I served them well by not bringing my sacrifices to their attention?
Have I allowed them to take me for granted by not requesting the respect I deserve?
Have I parented in ways deserving of their respect?

Intent Matters

We learn to be good parents. Some of us start with a stronger base than others. As Rajneesh’s quote states, a mother is created when a child is born. Mother and child are learning simultaneously. Consider this: it doesn’t matter how many mistakes a mother makes, what matters is intent.

As a child, take the time to thank your mother for her good intentions. As a mother, take the time to explain how being a mom has impacted your life and tell your children what you’ve learned from them.

You’ll find compassionate words are a far more rewarding gift exchange and can be given any day of the year.

Happy Mother’s Day!

“How CAN I make this work?”
“What can I do differently?”
“How important is this to me?”
“How hard am I willing to work?”

Consider anything possible with the right plan and a positive attitude. By asking questions rather than conceding defeat, previously unimaginable answers will be presented and your roadblocks will dissipate. Lean on your partner when you need to, and allow your partner to lean on you. If you both work at it, you’ll be stronger together than you are individually.

After an accident, the dancer in the video below, probably thought she’d never dance again. Driven by her passion, she reconsidered her challenges by asking questions and finding the solutions. The result? She and her partner have created a dance more beautiful than any I’ve seen before.

You can learn more about the contest and dance from the CCTV International site.

Here is the story that arrived in my inbox with the video, can anyone corroborate it?

In a Chinese modern dance competition on TV, one very unique couple won one of the top prizes. The lady, in her 30′s, was a dancer who had trained since she was a little girl. Later in life, she lost her entire left arm in an accident and fell into a state of depression for a few years. Someone then asked her to coach a children’s dancing group. From that point on, she realized that she could not forget dancing. She still loved to dance and wanted to dance again. So, she started to do some of her old routines, but, having lost her arm, she had also lost her balance. It took a while before she could even make simple turns and spins without falling. Then she heard of a man in his 20s who had lost a leg in an accident. He had also fallen into the usual denial, depression and anger, a type of emotional roller coaster. But, she was determined to find him and persuade him to dance with her. He had never danced, and to dance with one leg…are you joking with me? “No way!” But, she didn’t give up, and he reluctantly agreed thinking, “I have nothing else to do anyway.” She started to teach him dancing. The two broke up a few times because he had no concept of using his muscle, how to control his body, and knew none of the basic things about dancing. When she became frustrated and lost patience with him, he would walk out. Eventually, they came back together and started training seriously. They hired a choreographer to design routines for them. She would fly high (held by him) with both arms (a sleeve for an arm) flying in the air. He could bend horizontally supported by one leg with her leaning on him, etc. In the competition, as you will see, they dance beautifully and they legitimately won the competition.”

International Women’s Day celebrates the economic, political and social achievements of women past, present and future.

Women have many achievements to be proud of. The equality we enjoy is the result of the work of women (and men) before us. And yet, even in North America, many of us experience the residual discrimination leftover from years when we were not so fortunate. Regardless, none of us can deny we are lucky in comparison to women born in many other countries.

The following video asks the question:

“If all women had rights equal to those enjoyed by men, would there still be war?”

Many organizations believe that the education and empowerment of women will assist unstable countries in stabilizing themselves. My friend, Sondra, works with www.creatinghope.org, and sent out an International Women’s Day message that included the following quote:

We honor and respect the new women heroes of Afghanistan. The woman who, after a lifetime of illiteracy, learns to read- and sends all her children to school. The widow who learns the skills to become a tailor and can now support her family. The wife who can now share passages in the Quran with her husband, and discuss the real meaning. The new nurse/midwife who works to deliver healthy babies. The woman who has moved from illiteracy upwards and is now a teacher to other women. The woman who has learned to communicate with other women over the world via the Internet.

As women, we’re created with the innate desire to nurture, to care, and to perpetuate our species. These traits are in direct opposition to war. Women and men are meant to be equal because it provides balance in our homes, our communities, and ultimately, in the world.

Today I read this:

“I am inspired by the regal self-assurance of this town, so grounded and rounded, so amused and monumental, knowing that she is held securely in the palm of history. I would like to be Rome when I am an old lady.”
~ Chapter 25 of eat, pray, love by Elizabeth Gilbert

Up until recently, I thought I was Rome. I believed if I chose my responses and reasons with the highest intentions, I would build a strong history that could not be disputed. My loved ones would realize I always considered their needs ahead of mine.

I was consistent.

I was solid.

I remained true and never let jealousy, pettiness, or selfishness affect my decisions.

What I failed to recognize was, if they had not insightfully abandoned those same self-serving traits, their selfishness would never allow them to acknowledge my selflessness.

Instead history became clay to be manipulated.

Although they know the truth, unlike Rome, I don’t have volumes of proof, I only have the certainty of my own convictions and the wonderment that the truth is buried deep within their hearts.

At a young age, I learned a very hard lesson. It was important to treat people with the love and respect they deserved. My great grandmother loved me. She was always kind, always helpful, she read to me, loved me and listened like no one else. I wanted her to know how much I loved and respected her.

I was barely into the double digits when I did something out of character. I had a temper tantrum. I don’t remember why, other than it was insignificant. I do clearly recall laying on her bed flailing my hands and kicking my legs. I connected with her several times while she tried to calm me down.

Afterwards, I was ashamed and embarrassed. I’m not even sure if I apologized. When she died shortly thereafter, rather than remembering all the wonderful times we’d had together, my memories were tarnished with shame and guilt instead.

It was a monumental life lesson.

Years later, I let go of the negative associations because I realized my great grandmother would never have judged me based on that one incident. She would have loved me regardless, she’d have forgiven me quickly. I had allowed my guilt to rewrite our history into something negative.

My history is being rewritten by others to allow themselves to feel better about current events, to cut apron strings and – hopefully – to result in personal growth.

No matter how painful it is in the moment, there is a missing piece I need to garner from Rome:

“Rome just watches all the fussing and striving, completely unfazed, exuding an air like: Hey – do whatever you want, but I’m still Rome.”
~ Chapter 25 of eat, pray, love by Elizabeth Gilbert

People can burn down buildings but a strong foundation continues to exist beneath the ashes waiting to be discovered again. History can be rewritten but the markers of time remain.

“Say whatever you want, but I’ve always done the best for you.”

“The slutty party girl is fun until she pukes on the floor and then she’s a pain in the ass.”
House, Season 5, Episode “Lucky Thirteen”

What’s interesting about this statement isn’t just the obvious inequality of how males use females; it’s not always a male-female issue.

She’s great as long as she’s entertaining “me” but as soon as I have to take care of “her” I’m not interested.

Another way of saying it?
“Do Me, Do Me, Do Me.”
“eeewww I have to do you?”

It’s not just men who have this issue. How many women do you know that eagerly lay back to enjoy special treatment from their mate but aren’t enamored about reciprocating?

And it’s not just applicable to sex. The employment is much further and wider. Although our society is built on those that give with the expectation of getting, there are many who expect to be “done for” or “serviced.”

Being an analytical person, I’ve found I often attract people with issues that need to be worked out. They enjoy the shallow clarity I provide them, but as soon as I begin to challenge their thinking in more depth or find myself requiring reciprocal emotional support, their interest wanes. You see, they only want to be done for in ways that benefit them. Ways that confirm what they want to hear, see, or feel. Once demands are made, they move towards the next unsuspecting subject…. and onto the next party girl.

Is it a result of the Me-centric world we live in? Or has it always existed and we see it increasingly often because we are in contact with more people on a regular basis? Or perhaps men were more likely to have this trait but as women develop true equality, they’re also adopting habits that once were male dominated?

Thoughts?

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