The Stir By CafeMom: Blogger Andrew Kardon

7 Legitimate Reasons Why Guys Actually Want to Get Married

Sun, 21 Apr 2013 17:53:11 EDT

Post by Andrew Kardon

Your wedding day. It's probably one of the most special, incredible, magical days in a person's life. Well, let me rephrase that last part to "... in a woman's life."

Yes, there are always exceptions, but women for the most part, seem way more into the wedding thing and even the idea of getting married, than men do. That's not a slight, just an observation.

When a woman tells her girlfriends she's getting married, it's usually followed by high-pitched squeals, lots of jumping up and down, and 20 or 30 minutes of hugging.

When a guy tells his buds he's getting married, more often than not, the first thing they ask him is, "Is she pregnant?" That's quickly followed up with a "Then why are you getting married?"

Good question. Why do guys want to get married?

Forgetting certain circumstances like knocking up your girlfriend, wanting her money, or keeping her from getting deported (does that even work anymore?), there are actually a number of legitimate reasons guys want to get married these days. No, really! Here's a look at 7 of them.

1. Life is just infinitely better when you can share all those special moments with someone else.

2. Guys want to be taken care of. Yes, men love to put on a tough, macho exterior but in reality, we all become huge babies when we get sick or hurt ourselves. Having a little Florence Nightingale around to kiss our boo-boos is pretty reassuring.

3. We hate cooking dinner and doing the laundry. While there is nothing I can write now that won't attract a few hundred nasty comments to this post, I will add that I'm not saying women should do this or be forced to do it. But there are gender stereotypes for a reason. My wife and I split up household chores. She's infinitely better at cooking and the laundry so she handles that, while I do my share of handyman type things around the house, not that I'm very good at them, mind you. Plus, I know if a spider rears its ugly head anywhere in our house, I'm the one that's going to send it packing.

4. We need to protect someone. Just as some women love having a "knight in shining armor" to protect them from all the badness in this world, men just like doing the protecting. It's the caveman gene in us.

5. Doesn't matter if it's at first site, in an elevator, or blind. Once a guy's been bitten by the "love bug," he can't stop thinking about that special woman in his life. Suddenly he wants to spend every waking moment with her. Once it gets to the point that he literally aches inside when she's gone, that's when he knows the only way to stop that feeling is to dump her or get married.

6. It's tough to beat a "sure thing." Yep, there may be lots of jokes about long-married couples never having sex, but regardless, guys see marriage as finally scoring the perfect, er, "score" card. No need to go out on the prowl, not when you've got a willing sexual partner lying right beside you every night.

7. Marriage is the first step towards a family. It's in all of our genes to procreate, which probably explains the drive many of us have to get married and have kids. Sadly, it doesn't always work out that way in the end, but at the start, that picture-perfect future of a house, picket fence, two kids, and a dog can be very appealing to lots of guys.

Why do you think guys get married?

Image via epSos .de/Flickr

The 15 Best Wedding Anniversary Gifts Guys Could Ever Get Their Wives

Sun, 14 Apr 2013 10:41:00 EDT

Post by Andrew Kardon

This summer marks my 15th wedding anniversary. I guess it's my wife's 15th anniversary too, huh? Funny how anniversaries lose a bit of their luster once you have kids. Everything just seems to take a backseat to those little bundles of joy.

But 15 years is a milestone number, so I need to do something big, something memorable, something to make her go, "Wow! Now THAT was worth spending 15 years of my life with this guy."

I suppose I could get her a bowling ball with my name on it or the coolest Avengers DVD box set ever made. I would kill for that thing it's so incred... I mean, I bet she would kill for that thing.

But I've got a better idea. There's a list of traditional anniversary gifts you're supposed to give to your spouse. Every year, it's a different "material" to theme your gift around. Things like paper, bronze, wood, etc. What if I gave her 15 years worth of gifts on one single day?

Okay, walk with me as I take a look at the first 15 years and see what I can come up with for the young ball and chain.

1st Anniversary: Paper
While Office Depot usually has a pretty good sale on printer paper, I'd consider getting the wife something more entertaining. Like a magazine subscription (Sports Illustrated?) or tickets to a concert or show.

2nd Anniversary: Cotton
A box of Q-tips would work here, right? I'm talking like a really big box. Like the kind you get at Costco.

3rd Anniversary: Leather
Some friends suggested a nice leather belt or wallet, but that's so impersonal. I'm thinking either a leather miniskirt or riding crop to let her live out her 50 Shades of Grey fantasies.

4th Anniversary: Linen, Silk
What the heck is linen anyway? I just know that it lives in closets. And silk comes from silkworms or creepy spiders. I'm thinking we forget about the fourth.

5th Anniversary: Wood
I'll skip the typical guy joke on this one ... Instead, I'll sneak out early in the morning and finally capture that little bastard of a woodpecker that's constantly waking us up. Stuffed and mounted, he'd make a fabulous gift, don't you think?

6th Anniversary: Iron
Well this one's a no brainer. I'll get her a five iron so she can learn how to golf. Might as well get myself one too so I can keep her company. Or maybe a full set, just to be safe. (And you thought I was going to make a sexist joke about ironing, didn't you? For shame.)

7th Anniversary: Wool, Copper
Pennies are made of copper. And people constantly trade pennies for their thoughts, so this one's a freebie for me. I'll just tell my wife what I'm thinking. Shouldn't take too long.

8th Anniversary: Bronze
All that comes to mind for bronzing is a tan. Thirty minutes in a tanning booth is pretty nice, but that's kinda expensive. I'll just pick up some spray tan in a can.

9th Anniversary: Pottery
Pottery? Really? Like a clay pot? That's what you get for spending nine years together? Seems pretty lame to me. I'll swing by Pottery Barn and buy her one of those colored styrofoam ball thingies that everyone seems to have but has no clue what to do with.

10th Anniversary: Tin, Aluminum
Oooh, this one's a good one. My wife is a big fan of tuna fish. Gotta be Bumble Bee solid white, though. A couple of cans of this and she'll be in seventh heaven. If I'm lucky, I may even have a coupon!

11th Anniversary: Steel
Handcuffs could be fun, but we'd probably lose the keys and have a lot of explaining to do. How about some new steel strings for my guitar? She just loves hearing me play and sing, no matter how off-key I may be.

12th Anniversary: Silk
What the? Silk again? It's only been 12 years and we're already on reruns? Guess I'll have to suck this one up and pick up a tie for her. Scarf! I meant to say scarf. No, really!

13th Anniversary: Lace
Awwww, yeah. Victoria's Secret, here I come!

14th Anniversary: Ivory
As in the soap? That's pretty cheap for a 14th anniversary. Oh, wait. More like the thing elephant tusks and piano keys are made from, I guess. Okay, then maybe a trip to the zoo where she can see all the ivory she wants.

15th Anniversary: Crystal
I've got the perfect thing to round out the 15 years of gifts collection: a Blu-ray copy of the movie The Dark Crystal. Nothing more romantic than that!

What unique anniversary gifts do you give your spouse?

Photo via Katsu Nojiri/Flickr

Kindergartner Banned From School Because of His Mohawk

Tue, 09 Apr 2013 14:17:00 EDT

Post by Andrew Kardon

I've never been a fan of dress codes. Whether it's a school uniform or "business casual" at the office, I've hated them all. We're individuals in a great big melting pot of a country. Clothing conformity seems to spit in the face of our very existence.

I know the arguments pro-dress code fans offer. It evens the playing field. No kid will feel left out or jealous because they don't have the newest pair of skinny jeans or Angry Birds T-shirts. I understand your argument. I just don't agree with it. Wearing an offensive T-shirt is one thing, but just showing you're a fan of a product is another.

And then there's Ethan Clos. The Ohio-based kindergartner was recently suspended from Reid Elementary School for sporting a mohawk. I'm sorry, what? They kicked a 5-year-old kid out of school for a silly haircut?

Apparently Ethan was in violation of a school dress and grooming policy that states any dress or grooming that disrupts the education process is not allowed. Since all of his classmates couldn't stop staring (and touching) Ethan's mohawk, it was considered a policy violation.

First off, their solution is to have Ethan shave his head. Okay. Show of hands: how many of you think a kid with a shaved head won't be a distraction to his classmates either? Yeah. Me neither. I just don't see how that's any better of a solution.

Second, what if Ethan was Native American and a mohawk was part of his culture? Would he be able to fight this? Or what if his religion dictated he wear a mohawk or some other unique hairstyle? I bet the school wouldn't bat an eye for fear of religious or cultural persecution.

I understand teaching kids to follow the rules. But in this case, I think the lesson of acceptance and individuality far outweighs the gray area of "disruption" in a grooming policy.

Maybe instead of letting the mohawk be a distraction to the rest of the class, the teacher could've taken the opportunity to turn it into a learning experience. Talk about individuality. Talk about different hair colors and styles. Talk about freedom of expression. Obviously, these would all have to be toned down to a kindergarten level, but with such an attentive audience, how can you pass up that opportunity?

I'm sad to learn that Ethan sat out of school for a few days, only to return this week with a shaved head. I only hope that his classmates don't start obsessing over his Sesame Street shirts or Osh Kosh jeans. If they do, before long, he could be coming to school buck nekkid.

Were your kids ever sent home for violating a dress code or grooming policy?

Photo via Jeff Turner/Flickr

14 Ways Guys Can Tell She's 'Wife Material'

Sun, 07 Apr 2013 13:45:00 EDT

Post by Andrew Kardon

Most guys have a type. Whether it's blond or brunette, petite or curvy, sporty or sophisticated, men go after their type, swoop in, and hope to score.

Granted, for some guys, their type is pretty much any woman who will actually have a conversation with them. But that's an article for another day...

The thing is, guys are pretty clear about the kind of woman they want to date, but at some point they'll meet "the one." She may not even be their usual type at first, which could actually be the cause for the insatiable fascination and infatuation.

And just as women have ways to tell he's husband material, guys can do the same in choosing someone to marry. So here are 14 ways to tell she's wife material.

She doesn't smother you. She knows you have friends and need your "guy time." What's more, she happy that you go out and have fun with your buds. Girls just wanna have fun. She's able to let her hair down and just have a good time. But... ...she's also responsible. She's not a non-stop party girl. She's a great cook and enjoys it. There's a lot of truth behind that whole "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach" line. She puts up with your crap. Guys do a lot of stupid things. Apparently it's in our genes. (Or is that jeans?) Rather than just bail or call it quits, she tolerates some of the more idiotic things you do. But then again... She's not a door mat. She may let you get away with something once or twice, but she'll most definitely let you know she's not happy about it. She's self-confident. Nothing, as in nothing, is sexier on a woman than self-confidence. Which reminds me of another good point. She's sexy. Hey, guys are 95 percent visual creatures, so if just looking at your huge... tracts of land helps him stand at attention, that's a good thing. She'll watch Die Hard with you. Granted, you'll probably have to suck it up and see some Renee Zellweger flick, but compromise is the strongest pillar in any marriage. She's good with money. Good at making money is even better, but it's great if she can keep her eye on the checkbook and make educated purchasing decisions. Somebody has too, right? She has a sense of humor. Whether she's cracking jokes or laughing it up at yours, she definitely knows that, as Oscar Wilde put it, "Life is too important to be taken seriously." She puts Florence Nightingale to shame. When you're home sick, she'll race over with a container of chicken soup. She'll cover you with blankets, prop your head up with pillows, and rent your favorite movies. She'll do everything she can to nurse you back to health. She has goals. Doesn't matter if it's career goals, life goals, or wanting to climb Mount Everest, she has dreams and isn't afraid to go after them. She makes you a better person. She makes you want to do more, be more. When you're with her, you really work at becoming a better man all around.

What do you think makes a woman wife material?

Image via David Precious/Flickr

The 7 Scariest Moments in Every Parent's Life

Wed, 03 Apr 2013 17:38:00 EDT

Post by Andrew Kardon

Being a parent is one of the most rewarding experiences anyone can go through. It's impossible to even put into words what it's like bringing a little bundle of mess, er, joy into this world and watching them grow up.

Along with the rewarding part, however, comes fear. Kids aren't the only ones to get scared, you know. Since the little buggers don't come with any sort of instruction manual, there's a lot of trial and error. Hopefully, there's a lot more trial and success.

Fear is only natural when you're dealing with your most precious "possessions." Fear of losing them temporarily or forever just comes with the territory. But there are a lot of very specific moments in a child's life that can scare the bejeezus out of any parent. And I'm not just talking about doctor bills. So let's take a look at 7 of the Scariest Moments in a Parent's Life.

Undergoing surgery - No matter the reason, having your child undergo surgery is frightening. Heck, even super minor surgery is scary if anesthesia is involved. The scariest part? That insanely long wait between the moment your child enters the operating room and the second the doctor walks out.

Gone in 5 seconds - You're at the mall on a Saturday night and the place is hopping! Little Freddie's been fairly good while you search through pair after pair of sunglasses. You try one more pair on and go peek at yourself in the mirror for all of 5 seconds. When you turn back, Freddie's gone. Even if you find him 2 seconds later, that initial "OMG WHERE IS HE?" reaction is certainly heart skipping.

School shootings - The day of the Newtown shootings, my heart was racing the entire drive home on my commute. It didn't actually slow down a bit until my kids finally came home from school and were wrapped in my arms. Even when a horrific act like this happens halfway across the country, it signals instant fear that it could be happening that very second at your children's school.

School Absence - It's always reassuring when your kids' school calls in the morning to report your child being absent. If they're home sick with you, bundled up on the couch watching cartoons, well, it's good to know that they're missed. But uh, what happens when the school calls to report an absence and your child's not at home? You sent him to school this morning, so where is he?!? Hopefully, it's just a technical error from the school, which unfortunately does happen.

Choking - From hotdogs to soft pretzels, a major fear of many parents is having their child choke. Their windpipes are pretty small and they're always running, talking and eating at the same time. It's the perfect formula for choking, actually. So the second your kid stops talking and starts coughing loudly, your first thought is, "He's choking!"

High Fever - Running a temperature is one thing, but once the numbers start hitting 103 and up, you tend to get a little worried. When it's 105, you're really getting concerned. And if it hits 106, that's when things are really scary. That complete feeling of helplessness as nothing seems to bring your child's temperature down.

Home alone for the first time - In the hospital after your baby is born, you're surrounded by family, friends and most of all, nurses and doctors. But once you're cleared to head home with your li'l rugrat, things massively change. Whether you have family stay with you for hours or days, that one moment where you and your spouse are home alone with your newborn, and you realize that you're alone with him or her... yeah, that's a bit eye opening. Scary? Yes. But at least it's a good scary.

What's the scariest moment you've had as a parent?

Photo via William Mewes/Flickr

20 Small Things Husbands Should Do to Show Their Love

Fri, 29 Mar 2013 20:21:00 EDT

Post by Andrew Kardon

Remember when you were first dating? Your boyfriend would write you poems, shower you with gifts, toss non-stop compliments your way. And then eventually, you get married and all that gets tossed out the window.

Yes, being married for years and years can take its toll. Routines set in and you can quickly forget all about the little things you used to do for each other. But it doesn't have to be that way.

Guys, just because you've already "gotten the girl," doesn't mean you should stop showing her the affection and attention she deserves. And I don't just mean firing up the popcorn and watching one of the most romantic movies ever with your wife.

Life is truly in the details, so stick to them. Show your wife how much you love her not by buying her a huge diamond ring or a new car (though I'm sure she'd love those), but by constantly reminding her how much she means to you.

It doesn't take a whole lot of effort or even a ton of money. There are plenty of small things you can do regularly to show your soul mate just how incredibly wonderful they are. In fact, here's 20 ways you can show it!

Gift her a song from iTunes. It doesn't even have to be a romantic song, just any song you know she'll like. Randomly text her a sweet message. Send her flowers on a non-holiday. Just because. Play hooky from work (or take a really long lunch break) to meet your wife somewhere for lunch. It doesn't have to be the Four Seasons; it could be something as simple as Subway. Let her sleep in while you get the kids ready for school. Tell her to go relax on the couch after dinner, while you do the dishes. Write "I love you" on the steamy bathroom mirror after you've taken a shower in the morning. Be creative! Write a poem, draw a picture, record a song. Just do something that taps into your artistic side. Before you leave for work, leave a small love note on the steering wheel of your wife's car. Send a short but sweet greeting card for no other reason than to say, "I love you." Run a hot bath for your wife and insist that she go relax in the tub for at least 30 minutes uninterrupted. Before going to bed, make sure her cell phone is charging. Have her coffee or tea ready in the morning. When she's in the shower, toss your wife's towel in the dryer for a few minutes to warm up. When she's done, personally hand it to her. Listen. Truly listen to her. Take her car to work one day and fill it up with gas. Compliment her hair, outfit, makeup, etc. Pick one, and mean it. Make the bed. Pick out a fun recipe, do the grocery shopping, and then cook dinner together. Simply say, "I love you." Often.

What small gestures does your husband do to keep the romance alive?

Photo via jm scott/Flickr

6 Grossest Things Kids Do

Tue, 26 Mar 2013 21:16:00 EDT

Post by Andrew Kardon

Your kids are perfect, right? They say "please" and "thank you" at the right times. They chew with their mouth closed. Wash their hands often. And they never, ever use potty talk.

Well, at least that's how you like to view them. Reality, however, paints a very different picture. It makes no difference who you are or how you raise your children. No matter what your race, nationality, financial situation, or location, there is one hard and fast rule: Kids are gross.

Maybe some kids are grosser than others. Maybe some are only gross on occasion. But come hell or high water, kids will find a way to make you want to toss your cookies. You really can't blame them, though. It's in their nature.

Whether it's your own kid, a relative's, a friend's or just some stranger's kid sitting near you at Burger King, trust me, you're bound to be grossed out to the max.

Here are 6 of the grossest things kids just love to torture us with.

They poop in the bathtub.
I can't tell you how many times my wife used to yell "May Day!" while giving our kids a bath when they were younger. Nothing says "bath time fun" more than seeing a Baby Ruth floating in the tub. They play hide and seek with boogers.
Everyone picks their nose. Even adults. (Yes, even you. Stop pretending you don't. You're not fooling anyone.) But whereas adults will generally find a tissue to place their nasal treasure in, kids prefer to play hide and seek with their boogers. Walls and the underside of kitchen tables are a very popular hiding place. They eat off the floor. Any floor.
While even the age-old "5 second rule" is a bit gross depending on how clean your kitchen floor is, kids love to really step things up. If it's food, and it's on the floor, it's fair game to eat. Doesn't matter if you're in the food court at the busy mall, in a bowling alley or at a downtown bus station. They put dirty underwear on their heads.
Underpants is a funny word. Underpants on top of your head is even funnier. But dirty underpants are kind of gross. Dirty underpants on your head are unsanitary and pretty darn gross. They love being in touch with themselves.
This probably only applies to boys, but whether it's dinner, a movie or drawing a picture, you'll more often than not find your son with his hand shoved down his pants. Nothing wrong with that in private, but in public, it's a different matter. Especially when you do that and follow it up by shoving your unwashed hand into a big bowl of popcorn. They lick anything and everything.
From babies to toddlers to yes, even big kids, no object is safe. Those fun little rides at the mall? A bored kid will certainly put his mouth on some part of that little fire engine. Books at the library? Doesn't matter how old or how many people have touched that dusty book cover. It might taste good. Rusty fence at the playground? Why, that should be a Jolly Rancher flavor!

What are the grossest things your kids do?

Photo via quinn norton/Flickr

The One Thing Guys Totally Fear Most in a Relationship

Sat, 23 Mar 2013 10:00:00 EDT

Post by Andrew Kardon

For guys, there are three pivotal moments in any relationship. Moments that aren't just huge milestones, but ones that fill us with absolute terror.

One of course, is marriage. I'm not talking about the wedding itself or the "till death do us part" thing. I mean the proposing. See, even if we've talked about it for years, and absolutely know you're going to say, "yes," there's still that eensy teensy chance we could be rejected that gets our foreheads sweating like mad. Yeah, we're weird like that.

The second scariest moment would be the first time a guy tells his girl he loves her. Those three simple words completely turn any relationship on its side. Nothing will ever be the same again. It might be good, it might be bad. But it'll never be the same again.

The third scariest moment, however, is the biggest. It's the one guys absolutely fear the most.

Girls know guys are pigs. Guys know that girls know this. And yet, when we first meet, we always try to put on our best manners, say the right things and refrain from any rude bodily sounds.

At some point, though, something has to give. Whether it's in a crowded movie theater, cuddling on the couch, or at a special romantic dinner for two, at some point, every guy does it. He lets his guard down and lets slip the end of the innocence.

He lets one rip. He toots. Cracks a rat. Breaks wind. Cuts the cheese. In other words, he farts.

Yes, sirree, a guy's entire life flashes before his eyes (as the smell wafts past his nose), the very first time he passes gas in front of his girlfriend. The next 10 seconds are easily the longest in his entire life. And why not, your girlfriend's reaction can be anything!

Thousands of scenarios and questions race through our mind in those agonizing and embarrassing 10 seconds.

Will she be disgusted or offended? Will she scream, "That's soooo gross!" and storm out? Or maybe she'll laugh her ass off. Heck, she might even say, "Thank God! I've been holding this in all night," and let one rip herself. Okay, maybe not that last one.

Every couple is different, as is every reaction. Most scenarios will likely include some giggling, reddening of the face and quickly moving the conversation on. And slowly, ever so slowly, a guy will continue to "unwind" in front of his girl until his gas passing borders on harassment.

But before that initial moment, us guys do our best to hold everything in. And let me tell ya, it's painful! Guys bodies are made up of 70% water and 146% gas. If we don't let that gas out at regular intervals, our insides may very well burst out of our chests like a baby alien with a mad-on for Sigourney Weaver.

Curious why we run to the bathroom so much during dinner? Or when we have to go "check something in the car" when we're supposed to be spending time together? Yeah, there's nothing going on. We just need to release the pressure inside our balloon of a stomach.

And ladies, if we look like we're in pain trying to answer a deep question of yours, it has nothing to do with avoiding commitment. If you think we're suddenly growing distant in the middle of a date, trust me, it's not you.

We're just trying to make sure everything works out alright in the end.

Do you remember your husband's first toot?

Photo via dylan Snow/Flickr

7 Best Parenting Lessons From Hollywood Movies

Wed, 20 Mar 2013 10:47:00 EDT

Post by Andrew Kardon

Spring is finally here. The flowers are budding. The air's getting warmer. And soon little baby animals will be making women go, "awwwwww, how cute!"

It's the season of birth, as nature wakes up from its long winter. To help celebrate this momentous occasion, I thought now would be the perfect time to share some of the biggest parenting lessons I've learned. Where'd I learn them you may ask? Go ahead, ask. Well, I learned them from the most reliable, believable, influential source around: the movies.

Yes, movies about being a parent are generally hilarious and educational. So what if they're not completely based on fact, or even partially. Don't let that stop you from learning! Read on for the 7 Best Parenting Lessons You Can Gleam From the Movies!

The movie: Mr. Mom
The set-up: When regular guy Jack loses his job, he has a tough time finding another. After his wife Caroline lands a gig at an advertising agency, Jack stays home to raise the kids. Wackiness ensues.
The parenting lesson: No matter who's the breadwinner in the family, spouses need to work together as a team to make things work. Oh, and never, ever feed chili to a baby.

The movie: Parenthood
The set-up: The Buckmans are just a typical suburban family living in St. Louis. Watch the family laugh, cry, and almost fall apart as they deal with sex, pregnancy, adolescence, divorce, and everything else a "normal" family puts up with.
The parenting lesson: Life is very much like a roller coaster. There are ups, downs, and lots of vomiting.

The movie: Finding Nemo
The set-up: When clownfish Nemo is captured by a SCUBA diver, over-protective poppa Marlin heads out on the adventure of a lifetime to find and rescue his son.
The parenting lesson: Keep your eyes on your kid but give them space to grow. Oh, and dentists truly are evil.

The movie: 3 Men and a Baby
The set-up: When a trio of guys take in a baby that one of them unknowingly fathered, they accidentally find themselves smack in the middle of a huge drug bust. Suddenly changing dirty diapers is the most pleasant part of the day.
The parenting lesson: Take responsibility for your actions and never give your baby away to drug dealers. Even by accident.

The movie: Mrs. Doubtfire
The set-up: Daniel Hillard loves his kids to death, but after a messy divorce, he barely gets to spend any time with them. That is, until he dresses up as the wise and lovable Scottish nanny Mrs. Doubtfire to take care of them.
The parenting lesson: If something isn't working, try a completely different approach. And always do a thorough background check on your nannies!

The movie: Knocked Up
The set-up: Ben Stone is a slacker who has a one heckuva one-night-stand with the responsible career-minded Alison Scott. Eight weeks later, Alison shows up at Ben's door to break the news to him: She's pregnant.
The parenting lesson: A relationship needs to be built on honesty, trust, and respect. Plus, wear a condom for crying out loud.

The movie: Father of the Bride (1991)
The set-up: A remake of the classic film starring Spencer Tracy, Steve Martin takes up the role of the nervous dad who just can't come to terms with the fact that his 21-year-old daughter Annie is about to get married.
The parenting lesson: The toughest thing a parent has to do is watch their kids grow up. And if Martin Short ever shows up at your house to help plan the wedding, don't let him in!

What are your favorite parenting movies?

Photo via Sarah_Ackerman/Flickr

8 Embarrassing AutoCorrects That Just Can't Be Good for Your Marriage (PHOTOS)

Sat, 16 Mar 2013 10:00:00 EDT

Post by Andrew Kardon

Marriage is tough. There's tons of compromise, understanding, and acceptance. But yes, it's all worth it in the end.

So why, oh why, does your iPhone sometimes seem to want to send you straight to Divorce Court? Thanks to the wonders of AutoCorrect, many husbands and wives put their marriage at risk each time they send each other a simple text or email.

Not scared of a silly little smartphone? Well, take a look at these 8 ridiculous AutoCorrects between husband and wife that are beyond hysterical... mainly because it happened to another couple.

What's the craziest thing you've accidentally sent your significant other thanks to AutoCorrect?

Images via Damn You AutoCorrect

Are Parents Who Homeschool Qualified to Teach Their Kids?

Tue, 12 Mar 2013 17:30:00 EDT

Post by Andrew Kardon

My wife is a teacher. An Earth Science teacher. For the eighth grade. Yeah, I don't get it either.

Super boring subject. Worst grade in the world to teach, what with all those insanely raging hormones. But that's where she ended up, and I'll admit, it is pretty cool when she points out something I didn't know about the weather or the stars.

When we first got married, she was going through all the training necessary to become a teacher. A ridiculous amount of studying. Planning. Student Teaching. She even had to videotape herself giving a lesson, as well as undergo a number of classroom observations. In other words, it wasn't as simple as grabbing a ruler, heading to the front of the classroom, and, BAM, you're a teacher.

Which is why I'm completely baffled by the entire homeschooling arena. I'm not trying to bash anyone here, but I really have no clue how homeschooling works. I mean, how are regular parents even qualified to teach their kids, when public school teachers need to go through such rigorous training?

Just because you can read doesn't mean you're qualified to teach your kids. Sure, every parent is a teacher in his or her own right. We all teach our kids morals, hygiene, and the ways of the world. But I'm talking about a full-fledged education here. The kind of learning that will help them master the English language, conquer Pythagorean's theorem, and understand exactly why volcanoes erupt.

Then, of course, there's the entire social aspect of school. Yes there are bullies, and food fights, and detention, and way too many cliques. But school really is just a microcosm of the real world. It's one thing to protect and shelter your young kids from harm, but what happens when these kids grow up, get a job, and face the same type of obnoxious people in the real world? Will they be able to cut it?

Half of school is actual book learning; the other half is social skill learning. Learning how to make friends. Learning how to deal with or ignore enemies. Learning responsibility, cooperation, team building, independence, etc.

Home also offers a place of refuge from school. Had a tough day? You can just head home after school and relax a bit. Out of sight, out of mind. But if you're homeschooled, you actually live in school! There is no escape from it. You don't even have homework, or rather, EVERYTHING you do is homework. There is no escape.

I'm not saying I'm completely against homeschooling; I just don't understand the benefits of it at all. What makes it a better experience over a public school education? How do you round out your child's social interactions? How do you separate home life from school life, or is it eternally linked?

I guess the biggest thing I don't understand is how any parent can just grab a book and a curriculum and start teaching their kids at home. No observations, testing, licensing, certifications, etc.

This might be a bit extreme, but if you needed to have surgery, would you go to a doctor who taught himself medicine purely on his own at home? Or would you prefer going to one who graduated from a top medical school and learned from experienced hands-on teachers?

Do you think parents should need credentials to homeschool their kids?

Photo via Lyn Lomasi/Flickr

Having Separate Bank Accounts When You're Married Is Asking for Trouble

Fri, 08 Mar 2013 13:17:43 EST

Post by Andrew Kardon

I still remember the day my mom took me to the bank, filled out some forms, and set up a bank account in my name. It was a pretty big deal, even if her name was on the account as well.

When I eventually got married a couple of decades later, I didn't even give a second thought to having a separate bank account from my wife. We were getting married after all, so half of my stuff was her's and vice versa, right?

Neither of us are crazy risk takers in the finance department, nor are we penny-pinching sticklers who balance their checkbooks to the penny each and every day. We spend money on fun things, but are responsible enough to make sure we have all the bills and major expenses covered.

Recently, however, I've had a number of conversations with other couples (some married, some on the cusp of becoming engaged) and was shocked to discover that a lot of spouses do indeed have separate bank accounts.

Other than trying to hide how much you're spending or keeping your finances securely locked up, I don't really see the reason for it. In fact, I think it could actually be harmful to your marriage. The same way that a prenup can be a red flag for "whoa, someone doesn't completely trust you in this marriage," having separate bank accounts just screams, "I'm preparing for a quick and easy getaway!"

Trust is one of, if not the, most important parts of a marriage. Trust me on that one. If your spouse is suddenly pushing for a separate bank account, wouldn't you be just a tad bit suspicious? And not just at the start but going forward. How much money does he really have in there? What exactly is he spending his money on? Does he have other accounts he's keeping from me? And for that matter, other secrets he's keeping?

Once the seed of doubt is planted, it's really tough to remove, so why even tempt it? Marriage is about trust and compromise. If that means pooling your money together and deciding how best to spend it, that's what you need to do.

Now, there are certain circumstances where I can see why couples would choose to do this. If you were burned in a previous marriage and have been on your own for a while, you'd be super cautious about mingling all your funds with your new spouse. Maybe you're both a bit older now, you each are set in your own financial patterns, so why rock the boat? That I can understand. But that's about the only scenario that makes sense to me.

If you have separate bank accounts, where does it end? Do you sleep in separate rooms? Separate houses? Buy your own groceries? Cook your own meals? If you end up doing everything separately, then what's the point of even getting married?

Now, whether you decide to have joint or separate bank accounts is certainly up to you. But whichever side you end up on, the most important thing is to discuss this issue before you are married. Finances are one of the leading issues that lead to divorce, so make sure you at least start off on the right page together.

At least that's my two cents on the issue. Or rather, one cent. My wife has the other one.

Do you and your spouse have separate bank accounts?

Image via Tax Credits/Flickr

8 Ways Having Children Makes Me a Better Person

Tue, 05 Mar 2013 16:51:00 EST

Post by Andrew Kardon

Kids are pretty darn awesome. There's really nothing in the world quite like that feeling you get when you teach your sons an important life lesson and they totally "get it." But the funny thing is, not a day goes by that my kids don't teach me something.

I'm not talking about the name of that turtle-like Pokemon. (It's Squirtle, by the way.) Or the lyrics to Justin Bieber's newest song. Well, yes, you'll probably learn all kinds of horrifically useless information like that regularly. But what I'm really talking about are important life lessons.

Whether my kids actually do something or say something to me, or I just stop and think about the current situation, I am forever learning from my boys. And the things that I'm learning, well, they're making me a better father. And, for that matter, a better person.

There's a reason they say, "practice what you preach." Here's a look at 8 things my kids have taught me that make me a better person.

1. Have More Patience - Overall, I'm a pretty patient guy. But for some reason, I usually start getting real frustrated when people take awhile to do something that I know I can do in a few seconds. (Like trying to teach my father how to do something on his computer ...) I need to stop that and remember that some people (just like kids) might be learning something for the first time.

More from The Stir: 25 All-Time Favorite Mommy Confessions

2. Ask More Questions - "Why?" has to be the most-used word in a kid's vocabulary. As adults, we tend to accept way too many things at face value. So stop blindly accepting whatever you're told and instead question anything you don't fully understand or agree with. Does chocolate milk really come from a chocolate cow? Let's see some proof!

3. Live a Little - Ever come home from a long day of work and your kids are just bouncing off the walls? Or jumping off the couch? Your immediate instinct is probably to scream at them to cut it out. But the next time that happens, stop. Think about how crazy busy your day was and how exhausted and stressed out you are. Then think about your kids, who are literally just having a total carefree blast. That age won't last forever, so let them live a little. And do the same yourself! You'd be surprised what a stress-reliever couch jumping can be!

4. There Is No Normal - As a kid, I always thought the bulk of the world was "normal." Apparently, I wasn't alone. As you get older, though, you start to realize that being abnormal IS normal. Every family has its issues and its hang-ups. So stop comparing yourself to everyone else because no two families or individuals are even remotely alike.

5. Try New Things - Whether it's food, a roller-coaster, or the opera, don't lose sight of the fact that there is so much more in this world than you've already experienced. We push our kids regularly to try new things out, so listen to your own advice for once.

6. Be Yourself - Fine, it's corny and you've probably heard this one a thousand times. But it's damn true. Stop worrying what everyone else thinks about you. Just be yourself and be proud. Heck, in high school, I wore one of those denim jackets with a huge Twisted Sister and Dee Snider patch on the sleeve. For some odd reason, people made fun of me. Heck, I still have the jacket and my wife still rolls her eyes whenever I put it on. But that still won't stop me from embarrassing ... I mean, expressing myself!

7. Don't Be Afraid to Fail - Many times, kids and adults just won't do something because they're scared. I don't mean scared of dying (like via skydiving!), but just scared of failing and looking foolish. If you don't at least try, you'll never know if you can do something. Last summer, I tried water skiing for the very first time. I was nervous and normally wouldn't do something like that but I tried it, and I almost succeeded. Unfortunately, I failed and probably won't ever do it again. But at least I can say I gave it a shot.

8. Rules Were Meant to Be Broken - Sometimes you just need to have cake for dinner.

What lessons do your kids teach you?

Photo via Andrew Kardon/Mommysbusy.com

The 8 Toughest Things to Explain to Kids

Thu, 28 Feb 2013 13:00:00 EST

Post by Andrew Kardon

Being a parent certainly has its moments. All you can hope for is that the good ones outweigh the bad.

Now, when it comes to teaching your kids all sorts of life lessons (fire = bad!), some are easier than others. A quick slap on the wrist and a loud "NO!" will suffice when your 3-year-old tries shoving a fork in the outlet on the wall. But there are a number of tough topics every parent must deal with at some point or other.

Explaining the Tooth Fairy or Santa Claus to your youngsters can be fun and easy. It's the really tough topics that parents fear. Here's a look at 8 of the Toughest Things to Explain to Kids.

Death. Hands down, this one's the hardest thing to explain. Heck, you can't even truly explain it to adults. Depending on your child's age, you may really delve into the reality of death, or merely touch upon it with a more cheerful discussion of the afterlife. Word of advice: Taking the kids on a field trip to the local morgue is surprisingly not the best of ideas. Cancer. The Big C can be tough to explain to kids beyond "so and so is very very sick." There's also the radiation, chemo, and a slew of other tests and medications. Just get across two important points: it's not contagious and laughter is the best medicine. Being Gay. Back in the '20s, this one was super easy to explain to kids. Everybody loved gay kids because gay meant happy. These days, it has quite a different meaning. Nothing wrong with explaining it to kids (in fact I encourage it), but don't be surprised if you get some laughs or chuckles from the younger crowd when you mention two men (or women) getting married to each other. Drugs. Last year, my first grader came home from school repeatedly saying, "Say no to drugs!" I praised him for that. And then he said, "Daddy, what's a drug?" So yeah, teaching drug prevention is great, but explaining drugs themselves seems to be something left out of the school programs. Sex. Whether junior's curious as to why mommy and daddy are "wrestling in bed" or he overheard someone talking about it, sex is a tough one to broach with kids. Thankfully, my two boys still think you only kiss someone when you love them, and then you get a baby in your belly somehow. Booze. Similar to explaining drugs (alcohol is one, after all), it can be even tougher to explain since it's legal. "Silly juice" seems to be a common phrase amongst parents looking for a way to briefly explain it. When Daddy's in Jail. Thankfully, I've never had to deal with this one personally! But I can't even fathom explaining to my kids that daddy did something so horrific that he has to go away for a very long time. Divorce. If you're explaining divorce to your kids because you're going through it, well, that's just rough no matter how you slice it. If you're just explaining it in general, you can hopefully get away with emphasising that the two parents are still a mommy and daddy. They still love their kids tremendously. They just don't like each other anymore. Try to keep the sordid details out of it. No need to mention the 22-year-old secretary in the red stilettos.

Which topics are tough for you to explain to your kids?

Photo via Sam Howzit/Flickr

8 of the Sexiest Things Women Do ... Outside the Bedroom

Sun, 24 Feb 2013 11:10:00 EST

Post by Andrew Kardon

When guys think about a sexy woman (y'know, other than their wives), they think of the usual physical traits. The blond hair. Big boobs. Curvy hips. Not to mention the low-cut tops, Daisy Duke shorts, and high heels.

But there's so much more to being sexy than just the physical. I know, I know. A guy is admitting this. It's true, though. Honestly, a strong, confident woman can be just as alluring as Kate Upton. She'd be even more alluring if she looked like Kate, but that's neither here nor there.

What I'm saying is that yes, our society is hooked on looks. And with the evils of Photoshop running rampant in magazine spreads everywhere, the myth of perfection seems very real. Thing is, you can't date a magazine. At least not legally in the 50 states.

So instead, plant your feet on the ground and realize that all women are sexy in their own way. Some more than others. And ladies, want to know a few things that actually turn guys on? Here's a look at 8 of them:

Phallic Food -This one's really no secret. But if you think it's just a joke, you're pretty mistaken. Seeing a woman eat a banana or lick a lollipop in a very slow, methodical way is enough to drive even Willy Wonka bonkers.

Oh, Suzanna! - Like 90 percent of my classmates, I had a huge crush on Suzanna Hoffs from The Bangles when I was a kid. Remember that "Walk Like an Egyptian" video? Yeah. Remember that split-second scene where Suzanna does that little thing with her eyes where they move from right to left? Sigh. Yeah, that.

Stem Research - Like something out of P.T. Barnum's Circus, some women can take a cherry stem, put it in their mouth and with nothing but their tongue, tie it into a knot. We call these women blessed.

You Smelled It - Women just inherently smell good. Maybe it's all the bubble baths. Or the hand lotions and creams they use. Or the 19 different types of perfume. But the ol' olfactory senses really can do wonders in luring the opposite sex. Guys, on the other hand -- we pretty much just stink.

Laugh Track - When a woman is having a really great time laughing, where she just lets her guard down and has fun, it really can have an affect on guys. Unless, of course, that woman is Fran Drescher.

Guitar Hero - Music is a key ingredient in setting the mood. But there's just something special about seeing a woman pick up an electric guitar and start rocking out. Maybe because it's fairly unusual or maybe because music has a way of baring someone's soul. Or it could just be all that long hair flying around.

Trampoline Jumping - Seriously, do I really need to explain this one?

Name It - Just having a conversation with a woman might be all some guys ever hope for. But what really holds our attention is something surprisingly innocent ... our names. When the woman you're talking to calls you by name, she most definitely has gotten you to listen.

What does your man find sexy about you?

Image via Iryna Yeroshko/Flickr

7 Things I Miss About Having a Toddler

Wed, 20 Feb 2013 20:00:00 EST

Post by Andrew Kardon

One of the neat things about having kids is that you constantly wish you could freeze time. When they're cute little cooing machines that can barely even roll over, you just wish you could keep them at their age. Then when they're crawling all over the place and discovering those weird five-pronged appendages at the ends of their arm, you wish they'd stop there.

Just about every stage has its pros and cons and just when you think it can't get any better and you want to master time, you suddenly fall in love with the new stage.

At least that's how it's been with me and my two boys. Right now I am absolutely loving their ages (7 and 9), since we can have real conversations, play legitimate games, watch more grown-up TV together, etc.

But that doesn't mean I'm ecstatic to be out of all the other stages. In fact, there are plenty of things about both my kids that I still miss dearly. Especially from the toddler stage. Here's a look at 7 that really stand out in my mind:

Ball Pits - Yes, I know. They are complete cess pools filled with more bacteria than an average petri dish... but it was so much fun tossing my kids in a ball pit and watching them vanish beneath a rainbow of plastic balls.

Free Food - Every time I took my kids to the mall when they were younger, we'd stop by Dunkin Donuts. I'd order a coffee, put one of my kids on the counter and then ask for just one munchkin for my little guy. The cashier would always give a big smile, say something about how adorable he is, and then give us 2 or 3 munchkins on the house. Free is great, but the smile on my kids' faces was priceless.

They Really Toddle - Toddlers aren't called Toddlers for nothing. When they first learn to walk, it's just a complete riot watching them waddle back and forth. They always remind me of penguins walking.

The Toss - My kids are way too heavy for this now, but it was always a blast lifting one of them up and tossing them high in the air until they'd almost throw up form giggling so hard.

Shopping Cart Buddies - Yeah, I miss the days of grocery shopping (No really, I used to do it!), where I'd stick one of my kids in the little seat in the front of a shopping cart. Give him a toy or book or whatever I could grab off the shelf and he'd be entertained for almost the entire time. Nowadays, my kids either run off at random, whine and hang onto my legs, or sit in the big part of the cart itself, eating up 90% of the room.

Bath Time - My kids will occasionally take a bath in our large tub, but these days it's almost always a shower for them. But they used to have so much fun taking baths together. They'd literally be in there for like an hour sometimes, thanks to the giant bin o' tub toys.

Highchair Hijinx - If my kids (one in particular) can go five minutes through dinner without getting out of their chairs, it's pretty much a miracle. That's what was so awesome about the Highchair days. Plop the kid in, buckle him up and plop some food on his tray. Sure you'd get a lot of "let's see how many times I can get daddy to pick up my plate from the floor" games, but at least you knew your kid wasn't going anywhere!

What do you love most about having a toddler?

Photo via Qfamily/Flickr

8 Things Couples Should Do Every Single Day to Keep the Spark Alive

Fri, 15 Feb 2013 16:37:16 EST

Post by Andrew Kardon

Another Valentine's Day has come and gone. And whether you go all out with the flowers, candy and ginormous teddy bears or you simply think it's a huge load of bunk, well, it doesn't really matter now. The day has passed. But the feelings shouldn't.

Know what? Screw Valentine's Day. Cupid can go shove it where the sun don't shine. No, you want to be romantic? You want to get those butterfly feelings in your stomach just like you had on your first date long ago? Good. Then every single day should be your Valentine's Day. Spread the love 365 times a year.

To help you keep that flame burning, here's a list of 8 things couples need to do every single day! This may be one of the cheesiest things I've ever written, but hey, other than lactose-intolerant folks, who doesn't love cheese?

Compliment each other - Whether it's the way they calm the kids down or fix the DVD player or decorate the house, take a moment to praise your significant other for something they've done.

Laugh - Nobody should ever go a complete day without laughing. It truly is the best medicine all around. Share a laugh with your partner at least once a day (and hopefully lots more), even on the worst, most depressing days. Actually, especially on those days.

Say those three words - No, not "pass the salt." Regardless of the fact that you should be watching your sodium intake, what I mean, of course, is "I love you." Go on -- say it to your wife (or husband) every single day. It's a must. Even if you're beyond furious with them for leaving the toilet seat up for the 99th time, you still love them. So say it.

Notice the little things - Could be your wife's new haircut or outfit. Or simply the way your husband takes his coffee. Noticing and remembering the little details in life show your spouse that you really do pay attention to them. More than they think.

Put things in perspective - Whatever you may be upset about or just feeling lukewarm about in terms of your relationship, take a step back. So you need to move; at least you have a loving wife and kids. Maybe money's super tight; at least you're all healthy. In the end, no matter what troubles you're dealing with, just remember you're not in it alone and your family is all that truly matters.

Dream big - The most powerful emotion in the entire universe is hope. Nothing is impossible. (The Cubs will eventually win another World Series. One day.) So dream big and share those dreams with your spouse. Even if they never come true, it's still something worth hoping for.

Share something new - Remember when you first started dating and EVERYTHING was fresh and new -- from details of family history right down to favorite pizza toppings? But after being married for years (or gasp... decades) you may feel there's nothing left to uncover. That's just bull. There's always something new you can share with your spouse. Could be a movie you just watched, a fantastic article you just read (like this one!), or some favorite childhood memories. Share and share alike.

Lock lips - It goes without saying but you should start and end each day exactly the same way. With a gentle kiss on the lips.

What do you and your spouse do daily?

Image via Thomas/Flickr

Letting Your Baby 'Cry It Out' Doesn't Make You a Bad Parent

Tue, 12 Feb 2013 13:52:00 EST

Post by Andrew Kardon

Babies cry. It's a fact. Next to pooping and sleeping, it's what they do best.

Why they cry can be anyone's guess. They could be wet, hungry, tired, scared, confused, sick, or just need some attention. They can't talk yet, so crying is the closest thing to a language they have.

For the most part, it works. You hear your baby cry, you quickly try to figure out what's wrong and rectify the problem. Crying baby = bad. That's what we're instinctively taught.

But at what point do we stop listening to our instincts? When babies cry all night long unless you're holding them, should you be comforting them or do you need to give them some tough love?

When our oldest son was a baby, he was a terrible sleeper. I'd easily give him an F. My wife was very into breastfeeding so she'd end up nursing him almost the entire night. We'd put him in his crib and maybe he'd last an hour. Things got so bad at one point that he literally woke up every 45 minutes. That's just not healthy for anyone.

The baby would be tired and cranky. My wife would be beyond exhausted the next day, which doesn't do her or the baby any good. And I'd be wiped too as I headed off to work. Though at least I could pass out under my desk when the boss wasn't around.

No, something had to be done. And when my wife and I started discussing the Ferber Method, we knew it was time to give it a shot. Ferberizing involves putting your baby down for the night and letting him "cry it out." It's done slowly over a few nights.

I still remember that first night of just letting him wail for five minutes in his crib as my wife and I sat on the living room couch staring at each other. Believe it or not, five minutes is an excruciatingly long time when you're listening to your child scream bloody murder.

As soon as the clock hit five minutes, my wife BOLTED down the hall to pick him up, comfort him, and put him back in the crib. Then we'd wait 10 minutes and repeat, adding five minutes on to each round. I think we got up to 30 minutes that first night before he finally fell asleep for good that night. It was certainly a long night.

The second night was slightly easier. It was still painful to sit there listening to him cry, but by the third and fourth night, we saw a massive improvement. He'd still cry but only for about five or ten minutes and then fall asleep. We were shocked. It actually worked.

Now it wasn't a perfect science and he didn't magically just sleep through the night from that moment on. But going from waking up every 45 minutes to falling asleep in 10 minutes and sleeping for a few hours at a time was a big win in our book!

Ferberizing truly taught us the phrase, "This will hurt me more than it will hurt you." It was extremely hard to do -- you need incredible patience and a strong will not to run into your baby's room the second he or she starts crying.

It may sound completely cruel on the surface. Your baby's crying and you're just ignoring him? He may think you've completely abandoned him, the poor thing. He could be terrified! Yeah, all that ran through our minds too. But we realized that letting your baby cry it out does not make you a bad parent.

If you run to your kids every single time they start crying and simply comfort them, how are they ever going to learn how to soothe themselves? Sure, every kid is different and will learn this on their own at their own pace. So it's up to you whether you want to try the cry it out method or not.

All I know is that when this kid becomes a teenager who sleeps until noon every weekend, I cannot wait to wake him up at 7 a.m. just for kicks.

Do you let your baby cry it out at night?

Photo via David Quitoriano/Flickr

Valentine's Day Is Just a Big Scam Disguised as Love

Sat, 09 Feb 2013 12:24:00 EST

Post by Andrew Kardon

You may not know it, but I'm actually a pretty sensitive guy. I can get mushy like the rest of them and really enjoy treating my wife to a romantic evening when I can. But despite that, I have to say this about that little "holiday" coming up this week: Valentine's Day is the biggest crock.

Just another one of those made-up Hallmark holidays, V-Day regularly spreads far more pain than love. First, there are all the people out there who aren't married, dating, or in a serious relationship. Or worse, there are those who just broke up with someone or are going through a rough divorce. Valentine's Day is just a way of the calendar giving those folks the middle finger.

But that's not what I really dislike about this bogus holiday. I love my wife. I love her each and every day. More with each passing 24 hours. So who the hell are the greeting card companies and the chocolate makers and the florists and the jewelry people (I need a scapegoat here, so they all get my wrath) to tell me WHEN and HOW I should express my love for her?

What, so I can ignore my wife for 364 days of the year and treat her like utter garbage, but then buy her candy and roses on February 14 and all is forgiven? Or maybe I forgot that I'm supposed to say those three special words to her and I need to be reminded once every year. Puhleeze.

Thankfully, my wife is on the same page as me. Valentine's Day is just another day. If I don't celebrate it, does that mean that I don't love my wife? Of course not. If I don't celebrate it, does it mean I won't tell her I love her? Definitely not. One thing has nothing to do with the other.

I buy my wife gifts all the time. I gift her songs from iTunes. Call her nauseatingly cute animal names. Text her little affectionate notes. Tell her I love her dozens of times a day. I do it all and I do it often. I don't save it up for one specific day.

Now, when we were first dating and even a few years into our marriage, I'd buy my wife cards, presents, chocolates, and even take her to dinner on Valentine's Day. I sent her a dozen long-stemmed roses one year when she was a teacher. Her students loved that one.

I get the allure, the appeal of buying into the whole hearts and chocolate lovefest. But the entire premise is just ridiculous. I know so many women who get so upset on Valentine's Day because they aren't dating anyone and they feel awful and useless for some crazy reason. And then there are the guys who are in relationships but they just started dating, so they're clueless about what to do.

Overall, it's just one hot mess. I for one won't be partaking in any Valentine's Day festivities this year. Well, except for maybe eating a chocolate heart or two. But that's only for the chocolate, not the love.

Do you buy into the whole Valentine's Day hype?

Image via Trevor Owens/Flickr

7 Things No One Ever Warns a New Dad About

Wed, 06 Feb 2013 09:44:00 EST

Post by Andrew Kardon

Having a baby is truly a wonderful thing. You and your spouse are creating the most precious thing you'll ever put your hands on. And while no two babies are exactly alike (not even twins), for the most part, moms have a natural instinct for taking care of the little rug rats. Dads, on the other hand, are a bit more clueless.

Sure, an owner's manual would be a monumental help to everyone, but until Apple invents an iBaby, don't hold your breath. No, new parents most certainly have their hands full. New moms are trying to get a handle on taking care of their newborn and their mostly useless husbands.

Are there things a guy needs to know before knocking up his wife? You better believe it! Here's a look at 7 things I wish I knew before my wife and I even attempted having our first child.

1. Women's bodies change. Well, duh. Of course they do. Their bellies get ginormous. But that's not what I'm talking about. During pregnancy, women actually get this vertical black line that runs down their belly. (AKA, linea nigra.) For sympathy, grab a Sharpie and do the same to yours.

2. Buy a cup. I can't tell you how many times I've been kicked in the family jewels. By my family, I mean. Specifically my kids. Babies loooove to kick, especially when they first realize they have legs. So my biggest piece of advice is to wear a cup. Always.

3. You'll have no idea what you're doing. Read as much as you want. Watch as many movies as you want. The instant you bring your newborn home for the very first time, chances are you'll sit on the couch, stare at your wife, and you'll both say, "Now what?"

4. Holy crap. No pictures, no books, no words can ever prepare you for how insanely monstrous and grotesque a baby's first poop can be. No joke, I nearly fainted the first time I saw my son's first diaper change. (And my wife almost burst her stitches!)

5. Naps are highly underrated. Ever get just five hours of sleep in one night? Spread out in small batches of 15-minute increments? Yeah, get used to it. Say goodbye to a regular sleep pattern for a few years and embrace the afternoon nap!

6. Making a belly button is disgusting. Belly buttons are cute. But when you see first-hand how they're actually made, chances are, you'll throw up in your mouth. When the umbilical cord is cut, it's clamped off, so newborns don't have belly buttons yet. They have nasty little wrinkled tubes of skin that dry up after a few days and eventually ... just fall off. If you're lucky like me, it falls off and you have no idea when or where. Gulp.

7. Pregnant women pee when they sneeze. Pregnant women do it. Moms do it. It's apparently pretty common but we guys have no clue. Women will often say, "I laughed so hard I peed my pants." We guys always thought it was just an expression. We thought wrong.

What words of advice can you give to expecting parents?

Photo via Joelle Inge-Messerschmidt/Flickr

7 Ways Watching the Super Bowl With Your Spouse Can Save Your Marriage

Fri, 01 Feb 2013 11:44:00 EST

Post by Andrew Kardon

This weekend marks the happiest and saddest day in most couples' lives. For men, it's the Super Bowl! The climax of a brutal, season-long battle among 32 teams. It's awesome! It's epic! But it's also the end of the season, and with the end of the game comes the start of a long stretch of football-less Sundays. Sniff.

For women in general (those who don't like football), the Super Bowl is another annoying Sunday filled with a ton more beer, nachos, wings, and yelling. But it's also the end of the season, and with the end of the game comes a long stretch of having their husbands back on Sundays.

Yes, the Super Bowl can be a bit stressful in some houses, but it really doesn't have to be. Instead, more couples should watch the game together. Heck, it could even save their marriage! Here are 7 reasons why:

1. Food for Thought - You've heard it before: the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. Next to Thanksgiving, there is no bigger eating fest than the Super Bowl. Whip up the greatest snacks ever and he'll be swooning for you over the next eight months!

2. Commercial Success - The commercials are usually a riot, and you don't need to know a thing about football to enjoy them. Think of the bonding you can do with your hubby as you both sit and laugh at the latest way that Pepsi spent $4.8 million!

3. The NFL Rules - I've tried explaining the rules behind football's four downs to my wife and mother on multiple occasions. They both get a glazed look in their eyes and completely ignore me. So during the Super Bowl, let your husband explain the rules of the game, and just this once pretend that you understand. Or at least that you care.

4. Teamwork - Guys are weird. We sit at home in our sweats watching athletes on TV perform crazy moves. Yet we act like we're the ones on the team and get insanely passionate about it. So the Super Bowl's a great time to show your husband some support by rooting for his team and being super bummed when they completely blow it.

5. Show Me the Money - What's the real #1 reason so many people love football? Yeah, it's the gambling. Whether it's a straight bet or one of those funky Super Bowl box pools, there's a good chance you and your hubby could make some serious scratch on the game. If people started betting on which soap opera character would have an affair first, more guys would totally be into soap operas. Trust me.

6. It's Gotta Be the Shoes - Marriage is all about compromise. It's about doing some things for your husband that you normally wouldn't care about, and vice versa. Well, watching the Super Bowl with your husband is basically the equivalent to him driving you all over town on the ultimate shopping spree for shoes, carrying all of your packages, waiting in line for you, etc.

7. Jersey Girl - If it's just the two of you watching the game (send the kids to the grandparents for the night!), you can really "score" some points with the husband by wearing his favorite NFL jersey as you watch the game. And nothing else. Think about it: You're combining his two favorite passions in life: football and you!

Do you like watching the Super Bowl with your husband?

Image via Au Kirk/Flickr

10 Reasons I Never Want a Baby in My House Again

Tue, 29 Jan 2013 12:01:00 EST

Post by Andrew Kardon

Babies are pretty awesome, aren't they? They smell great, they have that precious little giggle, and they're just too darn adorable.

My two boys are much older now, 7 and 9 to be exact. So it's been quite awhile since I could hold them in the crook of my arms. In fact, the only chance my wife and I get to do that is when we see another couple's little bundle of joy. We smile, play with the cute little guy or gal, and tell the parents how beautiful their little baby is.

At this point, most guys are running to the hills, waiting for that biological clock to scream at your wife to pop out just one more while there's still time. My wife's clock either has the best snooze button ever or she tossed the batteries long ago.

Whenever we see a baby, we both look at each other and say in unison, "Not a chance!" If you need a reason for our baby-proof stance, I can give you one. Heck, I'll give you 10!

I can actually sleep peacefully in my own bed without the sheer terror of accidentally rolling over and crushing the little guy next to me. I no longer can tell you which insanely painful cartoons are on TV at 2 a.m. And 3 a.m. And 4 a.m. ... My nose doesn't have the eternal fragrance of A&D or Balmex keeping it company anymore. No more cabinets full of dozens of tiny little jars of baby food, which would instantly trigger my gag reflex if I ever smell another strained pea again. We had our kids two years apart, and my wife was a big supporter of nursing. No way I could go another two or four years to get those girls back! Three words: Infant car seats. Even Houdini would have trouble setting those things up. I'm a guy. We hate changing clothes. Heck, we hate getting dressed. Having to change my shirt nine times a day thanks to the spit-up machine is pretty darn low on my "List o' Fun." Apparently, like dogs, babies will put just about anything in their mouths that they can get their hands on. That means no Lego sets. No puzzles. No beer bottles. No fun. There is nothing worse than waking up in the middle of the night when you have to go to the bathroom REAL badly. You race down the hall, run to the toilet ... and can't get that friggin' toilet lock to open. Baby-proofing can be real painful if you're not a baby. Whether it's a 1-day or 10-day vacation, packing with a newborn is a nightmare! You pretty much need to rent a U-Haul to fit the box of diapers, crate of wipes, the pack and play, two strollers, toys, books, 400 extra outfits for the baby, oh, and then your luggage too.

What do you miss least about having a baby in the house?

Photo via christina rutz/Flickr

8 Inappropriate Things Kids Just Love Doing

Fri, 25 Jan 2013 23:00:00 EST

Post by Andrew Kardon

One of the best things about kids is that they're unpredictable and they have no filter. They don't play any games with you and instead tell you exactly what they're thinking.

One of the worst things about kids is that they're unpredictable and they have no filter. Yeah, it's kind of a blessing and a curse.

Whether they mean to or not, kids usually do a bang-up job of embarrassing their parents. I know mine do and I've heard plenty of similar horror stories from friends of mine.

You think your kids are being inappropriate when they refuse to go to bed or do their homework? Yeah, keep living in your parental paradise. I've compiled an appropriate list of 8 Inappropriate Things Kids Just Love Doing. Promise me just one thing, though. You won't let your kids read this article.

You know Aunt Martha's meatloaf is a tad bit dry but you suck it up and tell her it's delicious. Your 10-year-old son on the other hand makes no qualms about loudly gagging at the table and screaming, "I'm not eating THAT!" before bolting out of the room. In your youth, you did the hokey pokey and you turned yourself around. Today, your kids dance around the house saying, "I'm sexy and I know it." All day. Every day. So what if you're entertaining your boss for dinner that night? What is it about butts that just instantly crack kids up? Say the word "tushie" and you'll unleash a gigglefest. Of course their response is to pull their pants down and show the outside world a full moon when they press their cheeks up against the glass doors in your kitchen. This one only pertains to boys, but apparently there's some sort of strong magnetic pull between their hand and their ding dongs. You'll constantly catch them with one hand shoved as deep as possible down their pants. Usually in some very public place. Men do it. Even women do it on occasion. So of course kids are going to do it too. The next time a woman with a rather large belly approaches, tell your kids three things: Don't stare, don't point, and don't ask her when she's having her baby. Unless you can trace your family tree directly back to the great Gold Rush, there is absolutely no excuse for losing an entire finger to your right nostril. That goes double for doing it in the middle of a fancy restaurant. You've successfully taught your kids to say thank you when a friend or relative gives them a gift. The next step is to teach them not to say, "I already have this" or "I don't like this" when they open said gift in front of the gift giver. You step out of the shower, dry off and head into your bedroom. Oh, look, there's your precious little one staring at you and saying, "Ewww." Apparently, it's time for that talk about "the Human Body is a beautiful thing." And yeah, perhaps it's, time to get back on that treadmill.

What inappropriate things have your kids accomplished?

Photo via Roland Tanglao/Flickr

8 Things Every Couple Should Do for a Successful Marriage

Fri, 25 Jan 2013 17:20:00 EST

Post by Andrew Kardon

Marriage. Unless your name happens to be Cinderella, there's a super slim chance you and your hubby are going to live happily ever after. Divorce rates are higher than ever, with something like 11 out of every 10 marriages ending in splitsville. (Note: I may be slightly off in my math.)

No marriage is perfect. But you know what? It doesn't have to be! It just needs to be successful so you and your spouse can live a long and happy life together.

Nobody enters a marriage thinking it could one day end. Romance has a way of blinding the future. But reality eventually sets in. Couples get into routines. Money and communication issues inevitably worm their way into your relationship. Before you know it, you're on a roller-coaster you never even signed up for.

That's not to say marriage can't be wonderful. It certainly can. And with just a little bit of effort, you can help make it last by following these 8 things every couple should do for a successful marriage.

1. Never Go to Bed Angry - This is a great rule to follow. No matter how upset you are, don't let your emotions fester. Talk it out. Even if you don't agree, at least agree to disagree before going to bed for the night. Besides, sleeping on the couch is really bad for your back.

2. Think Small - All the little things you do make a huge difference. That could be setting up the coffee pot every morning for your husband, or having your hubby gas up your car when it's close to empty. See, size does matter.

3. Be Impulsive - The longer you're married, the more set in your routine you'll be. It's just human nature. So "plan" on being impulsive. Out of the blue, do something sweet for your spouse. Gift a song via iTunes. Mail a Hallmark card. Leave a note on the pillow.

4. Compromise - Guys? Suck it up. Go watch a chick flick with your wife. In return, ladies, don't give your guy grief next time he's watching football. Basically, respect each other's interests and do a lot of give and take. The exception, of course, being Twilight. No man should ever have to suffer through that.

5. Be Your Own Person - Probably one of the most important things to remember is that besides being a happily married couple, you are an individual. It's okay (and healthy!) to do your own thing, whether it's exercising, a girls' night out, or playing poker with the guys. Enjoy your own time and be happy your spouse is enjoying his or hers too. Just be sure they're not enjoying it too much ...

6. Make Time - The older you get, the crazier and busier you get -- from working overtime to driving the kids all over the place. When life's at its craziest, that's when you really need to take a breath and set up some time together. Whether it's a real date night out on the town or just snuggling up on the couch with a good movie, make the effort to make the time.

7. Laugh More - Seriously, laughter really is the best medicine. Crack a joke. Shove a pie in your face. Use more whoopee cushions. Whatever it takes, just relax and enjoy life.

8. Be Thankful - Don't take your spouse for granted. So what if he's made dinner every night since you've been married. You should still thank him. If it tastes good, that is.

How do you keep your marriage healthy?

Image via Diana/Flickr

8 Romantic Ways to Get Healthy With Your Husband This Winter

Fri, 18 Jan 2013 17:49:04 EST

Post by Andrew Kardon

If you're like most people, you made a New Year's Resolution to get in shape. And if you're also like most people, you've already broken it. But hey, even two weeks of trying to be healthy is good, right?

Rather than succumb to inevitable winter weight gain, it's high time you did something about it. Having a personal trainer is a fantastic way to stay motivated and get fit. But seriously, who has the time and the extra bank account for that one?

The thing is, you have a fitness buddy right there at home. Your spouse! Not only is getting in shape with your spouse a fun activity that you can share, but it can really work to keep you both motivated. I'm not talking about having the two of you joining a gym and running off to do your own things. I mean getting together and supporting each other on a daily basis to improve each other's health.

It's not as tough as you think and you may soon find yourself actually enjoying it. Here's a look at 8 Ways to Stay Healthy With Your Spouse This Winter:

Be a Loser - My brother-in-law is on the P90X kick and looks fantastic. No way I could handle 60-90 minutes a day of insane workouts. But The Biggest Loser's Jillian Michaels has a similar intense workout called Body Revolution that's only 30 minutes a day. So my wife and I sweat our butts off and nearly puke on a regular basis. Talk about romantic.

Get Cooking - It's so easy to just cave and order pizza or Chinese take-out when you're tired. But having a partner there to inspire and help you cook healthy meals goes a long way. Try to map out a week's worth of meals at a time to make it even easier.

Yo, Yo, Yoga! - Guys, drop the macho act. Some NFL players actually take ballet! So the least you can do is join your wife for some yoga. Get yourself a good Yoga DVD, stretch out in front of the TV and breathe. Even kids can join in on it if they'd like. Just be warned, you'll be surprised at how strenuous it can be standing completely still.

She'll Be Comin 'Round the Mountain - Skiing is another great way to spend time with the one you love. Again, you can even bring your kids along. Spend a day (or a long weekend) going up and down a mountain and you'll most definitely feel it in your muscles the next morning!

Walk it Off - If it's not too cold out, head around the neighborhood for a brisk walk. If your kids go to religious school on the weekends, that's the perfect time for you and your significant other to head outdoors for some fresh air and exercise!

Ice, Ice, Baby - If it was good enough for Rocky Balboa's first date, it's good enough for you and your hubby. Ice skating can make for a great date night, but it can also make for some good exercise.

Get a Leg Up - Dance your little fanny off! Whether you hit a local club, take a dance class, play Just Dance on the Wii or crash numerous weddings, just get down with your man and your funky self!

Dancing in the Sheets - Believe it or not, but sex is a great way to stay in shape. It burns calories, gets your heart racing, and... well... puts a smile on everyone's face. So get busy already!

How do you work out with your husband?

Photo via Nazareth College/Flickr