The Stirrup Queen

Hump Day!

2011-10-05T14:43:00.001-05:00

No, not literally "hump day", (that will be in a week) so get your mind out of the gutter! Sheesh!! ; )

Today is hump day because:

1. It is Wednesday and I'm TOTALLY ready for the weekend. This week has been going by so slowly and I am not a very patient person! I have 2 photo shoots and can't wait. One is a maternity session and the other is a first birthday cake smash... they are my favorite kind! Ever since we started the treatments for infertility I needed to find a way to make a little extra money, so I took up my passion for photography. I now have my own small business and have been pretty successful so far! I love it and maybe one day it will be full time, but only time will tell :) If you would like to check it out, look me up on Facebook: Nicole Rankin Photography

2. Today will mark my first day of Femara. The first day of medication is hump day for me. It is the tip top of the mountain where everything is exciting, positive and hopeful. For the days before hump day I am saddened by the fact my period started and we didn't get pregnant, but on my first day of medication that is all over and I'm starting a new cycle... a new chance. I like hump day! (Again, mind out of the gutter!) I am anxious and feel butterflies in the bottom of my stomach. There is so much to look forward to this month with starting a completely new approach with Femara. Who knows how it will work, which is fun and scary all at the same time. But on hump day I can't think of any reason why it wouldn't work, and so I will use my super human "think" it possible attitude and pray it works!

3. In just a few days we will celebrate our 3rd wedding anniversary. It has been the most wonderful and amazing three years of my life and I couldn't imagine spending it with anyone else (other than Matthew Mcconaughey... but hey, a girl can dream right?!! lmao). But seriously, JC is an amazing husband. He has been so patient while we go through all this fertility stuff and I understand that a lot of men wouldn't want to deal with it. He tries hard to keep things positive and always encourages me to continue working towards a successful treatment. I love him so much! We have been together overall for about 7 years... it doesn't feel like it, but time flies! I am happy to be over the "hump" of the honeymoon period and grateful that we are still happy and in love. : ) I am so excited to see his face when I can finally tell him we're pregnant because I know he'll be a loving and awesome Daddy <3

I found this on UrbanDictionary.com...

Funny how "hump day" and the roller coaster of infertility treatments are so much alike! Hopefully we can get through this cycle and "get out of infertility alive" lol! Oh and with a baby : )

"Wednesday, or the hump of the week. The absolute BEST day of the week, the day of maximum hope that maybe, you might make it out of this week alive. A particularly good hump day can last you the rest of the week, and by Doomsday morning (Monday) you survive by anticipating hump day. Nothing goes wrong on hump day."

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The other day when I called to pick up my Femara prescription the poor pharmacist seemed really concerned. Keep in mind he sees me on a monthly basis and we have created quite the kinship he and I. Sweet little old man, super helpful and kind as can be. On the phone I could tell there was something bothering him, and he asked me "Is everything ok?" I said yes and asked why... come to find out he thought I had breast cancer and had been beating himself up about it all day... feeling sorry for a 24 year old who would have to encounter such a thing. I reassured him and explained it's benefits for fertility treatments and he was so relieved! I felt terrible that he had been so worried! He really thought I had cancer! Poor guy, lol!
There isn't much exposure for infertility. It is kept so "hush hush" for some reason and rarely spoken about. I don't understand why... and funny enough as more people read my blog they start "coming out of the closet" about it. So many friends and acquaintances have told me about their struggles recently and it feels somewhat reassuring to know it's not just us. I wish I would have known sooner so I could have been there to support and encourage them. One family I know of was joking about how their second child was "free". My friend asked what they meant, and they opened up about how they struggled with infertility with the first child, costing quite a bit of money. Therefore, the second (unexpected) baby was free! It made me giggle :) Can I have a free baby? I would even settle for a "sale baby".. a "clearance baby"... really any baby at all! Preferable not a mail order baby, although sometimes my hubby jokes about it. He has been so patient through everything the past year or so. It's funny thinking back to how hard we tried not to have kids before the "right time comes", that we never thought it would be difficult to have kids. You know, I'm sure when you were little your Mom said a boy could just look at you and !*boom*! you're pregnant. And then the end of the world comes. Makes me think about that show 16 and Pregnant. We have a love/hate relationship... I love to watch it but hate the show. I'm so not getting into that right now, lol! BUT... it's hump day, and nothing can go wrong on hump day. So tonight and for the next 4 nights I'll take my Femara, hope my hair doesn't fall out (yes, that is a side effect, eeek!) and pray that it works! Please keep praying for us <3

Moving on

2011-09-26T14:44:00.000-05:00

Friday I went in for my 7DPO Progesterone blood work. I was really unsure of what the results would be due to my inconclusive charting results... one minute it looks like I did ovulate, the next minute things look wacko. Who knows! So this would be the "tell all" to my ovulation woes.

Dr. O's nurse called this afternoon to share the results (I looove how quick they are by the way!) and unfortunately I did not ovulate. Booo! My progesterone level was only a 2.4 and they like to see 10+ to confirm ovulation. I could totally punch my ovaries in the face right now! They have put me through a whole month of ridiculous symptoms and side effects just to laugh in the end saying "Ha-ha! Good try!". Ughhh... So this cycle is a bust. She was so nice on the phone and decided to go ahead and call in my new prescription for Femara. I'm nervous and excited all at the same time. Nervous because it's not a very common drug, yet excited because she really feels hopeful that it WILL work. I pray that it works. I couldn't imaging another Christmas "alone" without the excitement of becoming a family. The only other patient she used Femara with had success in the first cycle! So that makes me really excited that it could actually happen!

Hopefully AF decides to rear her ugly head sooner than later so I can get this cycle over with already and move on to cycle 16. I will take Femara on CD5-9 just like I did with Clomid, so it should be pretty easy. then on CD 12/13 she wants to do a follicle scan to see how things are working... I'm so anxious! Eeek!

Hoping, Wishing, Waiting

2011-09-21T14:44:00.000-05:00

Today is CD 22 and there is still no sign of ovulation. Funny how an increase in medication has the opposite effect of what it's supposed to... *sigh*. I called Dr. O to see if she even wanted me to do progesterone bloodwork and she said yes. Friday I'll go in for that and have results the following week sometime. I don't know why, but I'll go with it. Luckily I wake up every morning at the same time and chart my BBT, so I know what is going on every single day of my cycle. That's how I know I didn't ovulate- there was no temperature spike so I'm stuck in another anovulatory cycle... again. For now I'll do my blood test, confirm that it didn't happen, and wait for my period to show up. The crappy things about anovulatory cycles is that there is no telling how long they will last. While a normal cycle lasts about 30 days, I have had anovulatory cycles that go 28-67 days long! Yikes! And my little road map BBT doesn't help me figure that out either. No bueno!

Last week all my books came in I ordered from Amazon.com about PCOS. One about PCOS in general, one about how it affects fertility, and one that had dietary info. So far they are great and I have really educated myself about the condition. Since it is newly diagnosed to me, I really like that I can understand what is really going on in my body and what I can do to try and help. In one of the books it discusses PCOS and weight gain. This is a really sore subject for me, considering I gained about 30-35 pounds from TTC the last year and a half. All the hormones I take makes my metabolism all messed up and I struggle with weight gain because of it. The book explains that PCOS is similar to having a form of diabetes, where your body doesn't process sugars correctly. And because of that, you get hungry more often and eat larger portions due to the way your body stores those sugars. Sooo in a nutshell, it works like a chain reaction where the more weight you gain the worse your symptoms seem to get with PCOS. Exercise is supposed to be the best way to lose weight, and in many cases that weight loss improves your body's ability to ovulate! Yay! I started my new diet and exercise routine this weekend and it's going great so far! I walk Marley (my dog) for about 3 miles a day and have started eating healthier too. Hope this helps! My goal is to at least lose 20 pounds in the next 2 months... we'll see!

Marley is on the right, on a puppy play date with her boyfriend Winston!

My pretty girl : )

Call me crazy, but I got a wild hair and emailed a TTC Psychic last week! It's the new rave, didn't you know!? All the girls on the babycenter.com forum keep talking about it, so what the heck. I emailed a free psychic by the name of Suzanne last week, and she said I would have my reading my October 6th. Surprise! I got it this morning!! My heart was pounding when I opened it (yes it's pathetic and probably not true, but nonetheless fun) and she had quite a bit of info! She said: " I SEE JANUARY OF 2012 TO CONCEIVE AND I SEE A GIRL. I FEEL YOU WILL NEED 3 MEDICATIONS AND EITHER IUI OR IVF TO CONCEIVE. GOOD LUCK". Wow! Haha! Who knows if it's true or not, but January isn't that far away so we'll see! I'm up for just about anything at this point... I wish you could just go to the store and buy a baby and have them put it in your belly. Life would be so much easier. No more trying to remember exactly what cycle day it is and what medication to take, then what days to get jiggy and what days to do what test. Gahhh! I just want my life back. I want to wake up in the morning and not have to worry about shoving a thermometer in my mouth or peeing on a stick. At least actually being pregnant you go through a pregnancy experiencing all the testing, medications, pain, and side effects knowing there will in fact be a baby born out of the deal. With infertility there isn't. You just keep going month after month hoping, wishing and waiting.

It's a great date to ovulate!

2011-09-16T13:34:00.000-05:00

So today I am supposed to ovulate. Let's see if this works... I'm trying to be hopeful and optimistic! After experiencing the incredible growth of that follicle earlier this week I believe anything is possible. Unfortunately JC didn't get off from work until really late Wednesday night, so he wasn't able to give me the trigger shot. However, my Stepdad was able to do it for me : ) Didn't even feel a thing! I did experience a lot of dizziness this time that I didn't have before, but other than that I haven't had many side effects so far. The worst of it has been all these stupid hot flashes. Luckily my office has a freezer, so as long as I can pop my head in the door every few hours I'm good! lol! I'm also experiencing that extreme energy surge again!! It feels like I'm moving in fast forward and the day just zooms by. I don't mind it at all, hopefully the surge hangs around long enough to help me clean the house ; )

I have been devouring books lately. Something about living in someone else's life for a few chapters at a time helps me relax. I just wrapped up "The Help", which is an AMAZING book! For those of you who haven't read it yet- GET ON IT! NOW! Omg, it was so good and I can't wait to see the movie now. I recently purchased "Water for Elephants" and "The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks". Hopefully they will be a good source of "normalcy" for a while when everything else in my life seems so upside down. This has been the most stressful year of my life!!!

And what is a great way to battle stress?? Humor! Wooo! Here are a few fun jokes that I found about fertility struggles... I'm usually not into stuff like this but found it to be pretty funny. Hope you enjoy!

How does an RE like his eggs?
Over 20mm!

Why does it take 50 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because they won't ask for directions either!

At 8:50 PM an infertile woman walks into a bar. Bartender says, “Can I get you a shot?”

“Not for another 10 minutes, but I’ll take a margarita while I wait.

You know you are trying to get pregnant when:

Someone asks you today’s date and you reply “Day 21."

You know you have been TTC too long when you open the fridge door

and immediately get angry at the eggs in the carton…. or jealous.

So to wrap things up today, please keep us in your prayers that everything goes well! Wishing the "swimmers" a happy travel and hopefully one finds it's destination, hehe! I have a Progesterone blood test coming up on Friday the 23rd to see if I actually ovulated or not, then if things look good I am clear to take (yet another) pregnancy test on October 2nd. Which coincidentally is only 10 days from our 3 year anniversary! Yay! Please let this be our month!! <3

There's still hope

2011-09-14T15:59:00.003-05:00

I can't believe I'm typing these words right now... I actually had one egg mature to 14mm! That is miraculous considering they were all 5-6mm only Monday. There is still hope :)

After waiting 2 days I was so anxious and ready to get the follicle scan over with... and I can't believe one actually made it. There is no guarantee that it will mature all the way, but considering how much it grew there is still a chance. And trust me, after 15 months any chance is worth the try! My uterine lining still looked half decent at around 8-9mm. So tonight JC will have to give me the trigger shot and then we'll see what happens. Please keep praying!! xoxo

"You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand." - John 13:7

Keep on growing!!

2011-09-12T16:06:00.000-05:00

Today was my follicle scan to see if the increased dosage of Clomid

would help create larger, more mature eggs.

I was so anxious that I even had the nurse call in my trigger shot in hopes that she could give it to me in the office... on my way in I picked up my shot and bagged it with some frozen peas to keep it refrigerated, then headed to my appointment. Well, lesson learned- don't count the chicks before they hatch. As soon as Dr. O started looking around for mature follicles, I could tell from the look on her face that it was bad. I counted about 10 tiny eggs on one side, only about 5 mm or so and 3 or 4 small ones on the other side. Today I should have at least one mature follicle measuring about 20-22mm, not 5mm. Worst case scenario. No trigger, and most likely no ovulation... again.*Sigh*

It was hard to keep from crying why she had the giant Luke Skywalker light stick shoved up my hoo-haa. But I managed to keep it together in hopes there would be some sort of explanation for this. She told me the uterine lining looked good, around 8mm... at least part of me works right. However, she seems to think that the PCOS has caused me to really never ovulate in my life. Scary thought. It made me feel barren and hopeless. That's a tough pill to swallow and something hard to hear from a medical professional. But she quickly made me smile when she took my hands and promised "You will be a Mommy soon"; my spirits lifted a little. I love that she is so honest and caring, and that she talks to me like a friend and not a "patient". After going over some more treatment plans she gave me a big hug. I've never had a doctor so patient and kind... I am very grateful for her compassion. She wants to see me again this Wednesday for another follicle scan. Although it's pretty much been determined this cycle is a bust... she is holding hope that even one little eggie might get a growth spurt. All I can do is pray that a few keep growing... it's been a long and hard 15 months and we are getting impatient to say the least. : /

Coincidence or Fate?

2011-09-05T14:27:00.000-05:00

Just for fun every cycle I go to BabyCenter.com and look up what the "estimated due date" would be if we got pregnant. This month I did it again, and you would not believe what all the important dates of the pregnancy would be! These are just estimated dates, but I'll share just for fun : )

- Confirm pregnancy on October 12th, our 3 year anniversary

- Hear the baby's heartbeat on November 9th, my Mom's Birthday

- Find out if we're having a boy or girl on December 25th, my Grandmother's Birthday and Christmas

- Feel the baby kick on January 8th, JC's Birthday

- Baby would be due on my 25th Birthday!

Wow! Is that crazy or what??? It would be so awesome if we got pregnant this cycle. When I was little I always promised myself I would have all my babies before I turn 25. It was this thing that stuck in my brain because I didn't want to be an "old Mom". I know it still wouldn't be that bad to be a little later than 25, but that was one of my major lifetime goals. If I could at least have one baby before I turn 25 I would be ecstatic!! This is also the month one of my best friends got pregnant after also battling with infertility. Now if just the planets could align... hahaha! But seriously, this has to mean something <3

Entering the ring: Clomid vs. Hypothalamus

2011-09-05T14:01:00.001-05:00

Today is Cycle Day 6, which means it's my second of five days to take Clomid. This month I take it CD5-CD9 at the increased dosage of 100mg. Unlike other cycles on Clomid, this one is almost unbearable when it comes to side effects... I have terrible headaches and dizzy spells right now. It feels like there is a little man in my head giving my brain an Indian rugburn! Eeek! Nothing seems to help, but caffeine makes it a little better. I'm trying really hard this cycle to cut caffeine out of my diet, so we'll see how that goes.

I feel disconnected from my brain. Does that make any sense? Ha ha! But it's true! Almost like an out of body experience sometimes... weirdest feeling. So I did some more research on "how Clomid works", and found this really insightful article on FertilityToday.org:

To understand how Clomid works, it is necessary to have a basic understanding of the hormonal feedback mechanism operating in the ovulatory cycle. The hypothalamus is a small gland at the base of the brain which indirectly regulates the levels of follicle stimulating hormone (FSH), luteinizing hormone (LH) and others via the pituitary gland. It can be thought of as a thermostat that varies hormonal levels based primarily upon the levels of FSH and estrogen.

Gonadotropin releasing hormone (GnRH) is produced by the hypothalamus and travels to the pituitary where it stimulates the production of FSH. FSH directly stimulates the recruitment and growth of the ovarian follicles, each of which contains an egg. If FSH levels remain high, as is the case with injectable FSH medications, numerous follicles will develop and mature.

As healthy follicles develop, they produce estrogen which travels through the bloodstream to the hypothalamus. The hypothalamus monitors the level of estrogen and varies the production on GnRH accordingly. High estrogen levels signal that the follicles are mature, which causes the production GnRH to decrease thus lowering the levels of FSH.

Clomid works by "competing" with the estrogen receptors at the hypothalamus. It occupies receptors that would normally "sense" estrogen making it seem that estrogen levels are low. This "competing" action causes the hypothalamus to produce more GnRH with stimulates the pituitary to increase production of FSH.
Eighty percent of patients (who do not already ovulate) that are prescribed Clomid will ovulate and 40 % of those patients will conceive.

Wow! That's really complicated and I feel smarter already. But maybe all those headaches make sense, since according to this article there is a battle of the universe going on in my brain between my Hypothalamus and Clomid. lol! Whatever, I just want it to go away!!! Gahhh... But on the brighter side, I feel like I have a nice "glow" on 24-7... If I were taking an anti-anxiety drug, I bet this is what it would feel like! I really don't have a care in the world right now. Maybe that's what it feels like to be a man... after all, my body is "ignoring" estrogen consumption right now... interesting! I guess my brain is preoccupied with it's little battle. Fortunately this cycle seems to be moving pretty quickly. My next appointment with Dr. O will be next Monday the 12th for a follicle scan : )

Double or Nothin'

2011-09-01T13:53:00.001-05:00

As anticipated, Aunt Flo showed up right on time yesterday morning. So I called Dr. O's office and they pulled my treatment plan. Luckily they could council me by phone so I didn't have to drive 45 minutes to the office and pay a copay. Did I mention they billed my insurance $1,900 just for my first cycle of treatments and testing last month?!? Yikes!! Luckily my insurance covers a lot of the testing, but they did warn me that some of that bill may not be covered and I'll get a nice little bill in the mail soon... Joy! lol

Dr. O is going to double my dosage up to 100mg and see if that works. I guess the Progesterone test that came back negative for ovulation was accurate... so hopefully increasing to a double dose will wake my ovaries up and get them functioning again. We're also doing another shot of Orvidrel (the trigger shot) that hopefully can be given in the office this time since it falls on a weekday!

I am now over my consumption limit on Clomid. Usually they will only allow 6 rounds of Clomid over a period of around 2 years, but I did 8 rounds so far in the last year... luckily since I was on a lower dose it gave me a little wiggle room. So his will be my last round on Clomid for a while! Lucky number nine?? : )

I feel like I'm at a poker table and just pushed my chips all in... what a scary and anxious feeling. I can only imagine what a double dose of Clomid will feel like when it comes down to the side effects. 50mg's was terrible... but I'm "balls to the wall" and ready to do whatever it takes. If she told me to do 10 cartwheels and finish off with a back flip to help get my ovaries going >>> I would be ready and willing!

If this doesn't work, we're going to move on to Femara on cycle 16. See, the thing is that Femara was not created for "fertility treatments". It's actual use is to treat breast cancer in women, and used often to an alternate for Tamoxifen. That scares me... especially since Dr. O has only used it in one other patient since she opened her practice (who luckily got pregnant right away!). Who wants to be a guinea pig?? "Me me me!!" Psh, not so much!! Although I have my fears about possibly using Femara, it has been cleared by the FDA (and like Clomid has no record of birth defects). It also doesn't have all the side effects like Clomid- almost none to be exact. The big difference is that it interacts with different hormones and doesn't thin the uterine lining like Clomid does. But let's hope we don't even have to go down this path and that my double dose is the solution! Cheers!

Shedding some tears... and uterine lining

2011-08-30T21:56:00.002-05:00

Not the good news I was hoping to share. Aunt Flo will be here tomorrow... and she is not invited. Negative test this morning and a drastic drop in my BBT confirm it : ( I really wanted to take my unopened box of "family size" tampons to Walmart and exchange them for some cute little newborn diapers to get a stock pile going. But not this month, I'll dig right back into the little pink box and cry over a gallon of Bluebell Cookies and Cream ice cream. This month was so different with having the follicle ultrasound... we actually got to see our little eggie and I'll admit, I got a little attached. It wasn't like the other months where you just use your imagination and think about the baby that could be growing... we actually got to see the real thing. And it's gone.

*sigh* Infertility takes the innocence and fun out of trying to start a family. You have to keep your guard up even when things look good... and try not to think about "what could have been". I just have to sit back down in the seat of my little roller coaster and hang on for dear life. I drank my 20oz margarita last night and cried, followed up by a few glasses of wine tonight. Tequila on tap would be a nice touch. But my heating pad only has a 10 foot reach and that would be a fun sight to see... these feel like the worst cramps of my life. In the mean time I'm keeping myself busy and distracted. This is so hard and I pray we finally get an answer to our prayers soon <3 Here goes cycle 15

"I know God won't give me anything I can't handle.

I just wish he didn't trust me so much."
— Mother Teresa

Meet my Alias: "PUPO"

2011-08-28T15:54:00.002-05:00

I'm still waiting to take a test around Tuesday... I feel like there are a million butterflies in my stomach and I'm super antsy. While you wait with me, here is a funny little timeline of the 2ww:

Ovulation Day: *** The big day! Go eggie go!

1DPO: Maybe an extra round of hibbity-jibbety- but wait, hubby just got called into work! Nevermind...

2DPO: Should have done it a few more times yesterday and today >:( Too bad hubby is out of town!! Grrrr

3DPO: The craziness is over. THANK GOD. Nothing left but sit and wait. wait. wait. Ughhh

4DPO: Are these gas pains or is that eggie implanting? Eeek! :)

5DPO: Just gas pains, no more chinese food!

6DPO: Hormones are raging... meet Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde! (Who will be visiting for the next 2 weeks!)

7DPO: Should I take a test today?? No, better just wait. Bummer... I really want to pee on something.

8DPO: Boobs hurt sooo bad! I feel like someone just punched me in the tit. No bueno! No touchie!!

9DPO: Took a pregnancy test. Negative. Maybe it's too early?? No more peeing on things till it's time.

10DPO: No, I'm not pregnant, I don't feel like I could be. Ready to just move on to next month.

11DPO: Maybe I am pregnant, feeling really sick to my stomach today!

12DPO1: Still hopefull! Today I could smell EVERYTHING! Not good one laundry day, Ewwww

13DPO: Not getting my hopes up. Who knows what will happen in the next few days... irritated

14DPO: Last day of the 2WW... WHAT WILL HAPPEN?!? Sheesh!! So over this waiting already!

15DPO: TEST!!!

Today my boobs hurt really bad. I just want to wrap them up in a giant ace bandage with an ice pack and go to bed. Maybe throw some ice cream in the mix too.. Yummm. Poor JC tried to cop a feel the other day and I popped him on the hand and screamed NO!!! lmao! Poor guy! I think I scared the daylight out of him and he may not try to get near those puppies for a few weeks! lmao! But what is super bad right now are all the mood swings. It's the worst right now... I can go from happy to bitch in about 4.3 seconds. Don't ask me why. Just don't piss me off! Hopefully this will all be over soon. I hate all the craziness and side effects... I haven't been myself in so long, and I miss ME! No more hormones, moods swings, hair falling out, weight gain, dry eyes, needles, stretch marks, headaches, expense, medications, planned booty, doctor offices, funny stares...
Infertility is quite the wrap sheet. But shoot- once you hit rock bottom there's nowhere to go but up!

>>All I want right now is a huge strawberry margarita the size of my face with a side of chips and queso.<< Mainly just the margarita! But not until I know for sure I'm not pregnant. It sucks not knowing anything ... basically "Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise" for 2 weeks out of every month, only to be proven "otherwise" every single time. Collectively if I add up 2 weeks of trying to conceive for 14 months, that is 28 weeks of being "PUPO". Wow, it really feels like forever. Only a few more days I hope... ** Here's to Tuesday :)

Results are in!

2011-08-25T11:25:00.000-05:00

Drum roll please...

So I just received my progesterone test results. Negative for ovulation... I am so confused!! According to my basal body temp (BBT) chart, I did ovulate, but then my lab results said I didn't. So which one is right? Does one trump the other?? Eeek!

I did a little research online and I found that a progesterone test should be taken 7 days after ovulating. Mine was taken only 4 days after due to the weekend. So in all actuality, it was probably too early to take that test which is why it said negative. Nice. I swear this is the story of my life... Can't everything just be black or white? Why sooo many gray areas??

I called the office back to see if it would be helpful for me to retest. She said it wouldn't really make a difference and that there is a chance the bad timing could affect the validity of the test. They were the ones who told me to come in on that specific day. Great. So basically she is going to up the doses on my medications because of a test that could be a compromised and may very well be a false positive. Ughhhh... Dr. O said to take a pregnancy test next week (I'll probably take one Tuesday) and take it from there.

On a funny note, I called my Mom and went on this frantic rant about the importance of this now unknown test result. We talked about the risk of multiples and how my increased dosages may turn me into the new Octomom.... not really, but it was funny to think about what would happen! She said not to worry and that we have a lot of family that would love all the babies and we could basically pass them out like puppies or gifts on Christmas!!! OMG I died laughing! One for you... two for you.. two for me...one for you... Hahaha!! I love my Mom and couldn't get through this without her. She always seems to find the brighter side of things and helps me laugh and keep things in perspective :) I'm lucky to have such a supportive family! And no, I will not be like Octomom- the risk of multiples (twins being the most common) are only like 5% so don't get excited about claiming one of the litter. Hopefully we don't even have to worry about upping the dosages and can just end the month with a BFP! (BIG FAT POSITIVE!) Keep praying!! <3

2 week wait...

2011-08-21T16:18:00.001-05:00

If any of you have struggled with fertility before, you know all about the dreaded 2 week wait (2ww). It feels like foreverrrr!! The 2ww is the two weeks you have to wait after ovulating to see if dreadful Aunt Flo shows up. Grrr and she is so not invited this month! lol! Plus I can't test early like I have in the past because the HCG trigger is still in my system, so it may give a false positive. Today I am 6 DPO (days past ovulation) and hopefully our little eggie is implanting : ) I'll be counting down the days to test on August 29th!

I have had a few more side effects recently- a LOT of cramping around where my ovaries are (for several days now!) and I've been so exhausted. I usually cramp for only a few hours when I ovulate, so this is very different. It feels like little stabs in my side at the most random times. They alternate between dull and sharp pains... just to enough to quick catch my attention. Very similar to gas pains, but with no gas, lmao! Friday I went in for more bloodwork that included a BETA and Progesterone analysis. I feel like a drug addict with all the needle marks and bruises all over. The other day a police officer came into my office looking for info and I swear he was eyeballing the huge "track mark" going down my arm from the bad blood draw I had a few weeks ago. It was so embarrassing! Luckily the pathologist did a much better job this time. She said I should have results on Tuesday, so just one more thing to wait on I guess!

I HATE waiting...

especially on important things that I can't control... control freak? Me? Nooooo, I don't know what you're talking about ; ) lol, but in all honesty this is a huge challenge for me. So for the next 8 days I will try to keep myself busy doing random little things to help pass time. Right now my sister in law, friend, and hubby's friend are all pregnant and due within 3 months of each other (November, December, and January!). So I guess I could sew some baby stuff to pass the time... Although sometimes I really wish I were sewing for our little baby instead. Sometimes I think the stork just passed right over our house to someone else's, haha, and I want to go waive my arms around saying "No silly!! Over here!!!". But that's all part of the "Big Plan" I guess. Maybe God wants me to continue learning about patience and grace, because in all reality life is not fair. But the hardship is we need to experience... and the result will be so much sweeter! Ok, enough mushy ranting, I swear it's the hormones talking! But really, please keep us in your prayers this week! I'll update you all with more info after bloodwork comes back Tuesday. xoxo

Me King Cornholio!!!

2011-08-16T11:47:00.000-05:00

I went to bed early last night because I was super exhausted. Who knew I would wake up this morning feeling like a crazy person! Eeeek! One minute I have SUPER energy, much like "King Cornholio" then the next minute I am ready to take a nap! I could seriously hump a stapler right now and I feel like I'm 13 again with raging hormones!! They should bottle this stuff and sell it in an energy drink!!! Hopefully things level out soon before I get picked up by INS... lmao. Plus it doesn't help that JC got called out yesterday afternoon to work out of town. There goes that plan... it's already hard with our work schedule as it is, plus it's expensive every cycle due to all the testing and medications. I thought about driving to Corpus to booty call for a few days, but it's a 6 hour drive and out in the boonies. Ugh, hopefully this cycle isn't a bust and we still have a chance! I would LOVE to have a baby in early May before the heat settles in... May birthday parties would be perfect too!! ** Ok, let's not count our chicks before they hatch! Looks like it will be a long next few days until he gets home... If you see me running around the front yard with my shirt on top up my head yelling "Me King Cornholio!" don't be alarmed, it should subside in a few days ; )

"I'm all hyped up on HCG!"

2011-08-15T12:59:00.001-05:00

It's all done! Of course the anxiety was 100 times worse than the actual shot. Just for the record, I'm usually not a wussy. But, when I took off the cap to that gigantic (at least to me!!) needle, I nearly passed out! I was seriously all ready to do it! Actually, JC was supposed to do the honors, but he was afraid to hurt me or do something wrong. Thank goodness for my good friend Kairri's hubby Justin, who is an EMT. He did it and it didn't even hurt!! I was such a baby, lol! But really, asking me to give myself a shot is about the same as asking me to punch myself in the face. Totally do-able... but not happening! lol! Here is a little info about the HCG trigger shot:

What is HCG?

HCG is known as the “pregnancy hormone.” HCG is produced in early pregnancy by the cells that will eventually form the placenta. HCG maintains the corpus luteum which is responsible for progesterone production during the second half of the menstrual cycle and during early pregnancy. After confirming that there are mature follicles present, the shot is administered about 36 hours prior to anticipated ovulation. The HCG hormone helps to mature the follicle and make it continue to grow and be released (instead of staying there to become a cyst from PCOS). Basically my brain doesn't talk to my ovaries, so both the Clomid and HCG shot help build a bridge between them :)

As of today, I am one hormonal and over medicated girl!! The HCG has kicked in right after the 36 hour mark... I feel so emotional about everything and anything. I almost cried when I through we were out of coffee creamer this morning. OMG I'm a hot mess! Then this afternoon i got all hyped up like I drank a bunch of energy drinks. Mood swings anyone?? Jeeze! This is supposed to last for up to like 14 more days!! The Clomid I'm on makes my body block estrogen production, so I get terrible side effects very similar to being on menopause (hot flashes, restless, irritable, headaches), then this HCG gets added in and I feel like a pregnant woman going through menopause!! LMAO! That added the mood swings, nausea, and sore boobs. Looks like we're in for a fun filled 2 weeks!! Hopefully things worked like they were supposed to and I'll get a good result from my progesterone test on Friday :) Here's to the 2WW (The 2 week wait before you can take a pregnancy test) and hope that all this worked!!! : D

Hello little Eggie!

2011-08-12T21:29:00.000-05:00

So today I got a lot of answers to why we haven't been able to get pregnant for the last 14 months! It felt sooo good to finally get some reason behind all the madness. Plus, it's nice to say "I told you so!" to everyone who kept telling me to "Just give it some time!" or "You're trying too hard." Which, by the way, are the two most annoying things someone TTC wants to hear, lol! No to be rude by any means, but it's so true. We have been giving time, and frankly tired of giving it time. 14 months feels like forever when you are waiting for anything. If you want something, you work for it. Maybe even a little harder if it's something you really want... trying less would only result in less success... catch my drift??

Anyways, my bloodwork came back perfect. Nothing abnormal and all my hormones were great. Which meant that I didn't have PCOS or a hormone imbalance. Sweet! However, when I did my follicle scan ultrasound, my ovaries were literally covered in tiny cysts. I LOVE polka dots... just not on my ovaries please!! That's what it looked like in the ultrasound- tons of little white dots. So according to my blood, negative for PCOS. According to my ultrasound, positive for PCOS. Oooook... so what does that mean? Who knows. Dr. O basically said if it looks like a skunk, smells like a skunk, it probably is a skunk. Meaning I do in fact have mild PCOS. What is PCOS? It is short for Polycystic ovary syndrome: Follicles are sacs within the ovaries that contain eggs. Normally, one or more eggs are released during each menstrual cycle. This is called ovulation. In polycystic ovary syndrome, the eggs in these follicles do not mature and are not released from the ovaries. Instead, they can form very small cysts in the ovary. These changes can contribute to infertility. The other symptoms of this disorder are due to the hormone imbalances. (which my hormone balances are normal, which is why I have none of the obvious external symptoms).

Here is the ultrasound from today :) I had a 7mm follicle on one side (no bueno) and 16mm follicle, which is pretty good but a little small. Dr. O said I might be ovulating, but the follicles may not be maturing properly due to my PCOS. So she is hopeful and adding a trigger shot to the mix this cycle. That means tomorrow night I have to give myself a subcutaneous shot in the abdomen. Eeeek! I HATE shots. When I was little they had to literally tie me down to a board and strap me in just for normal booster shots. I would scream and flail my arms around like a maniac... OMG this totally freaks me out. But, if it means we finally get pregnant as a result, totally worth it. I have learned to be selfless through this whole experience, and it feels like God likes to test my limits and see how far I can go. If that means standing up to one of my biggest fears... bring it on!!! (I totally can't believe I just said that and even looking at the syringe in the refrigerator every time I open it gives me the chills!) The trigger shot will help to mature the immature follicle and release that little egg approx. 36 hours after injection. With some perfectly timed bom-chicka-wa-wa and a little luck, this may be it! I'll update tomorrow night after my shot! Pray for me! Hopefully JC doesn't have to strap me down to the kitchen table... haha!

Divorcing Dr. Mike never felt so good!!!

2011-08-08T14:17:00.000-05:00

Obviously I'm not married to Dr. Mike (ewww he's like 70 anyways, lol!) But this 7 year patient/doctor relationship was one hard to leave. He also saw me every month for the last 14 months trying to help us start a family despite his "lack of fertility knowledge". That didn't mean he knew nothing... but barely enough to cover some of our basic needs. So, last week when he said it's time to move on... well I didn't take that very well at the time. But, today I met my new doctor... and can I say HOW MUCH I LOVE HER!!!! Ugh, I wish I made this decision months ago! Better yet 14 months ago!! Haha! I guess when you do the same thing every month over and over again it puts these blinders over you eyes... I never got to "see the light"! But here I am, after just meeting Dr. O for the first time and she is amazing. The office is beautiful! I felt like I was walking into a spa! It had the cutest baby pictures all over the walls and elegant crystallized chandeliers, but my favorite part would have to be the zebra lounging chairs. I. Am. In. Love. The staff is super nice and friendly, plus they know SO much about what my insurance does (and mostly doesn't) cover... I couldn't be happier :) Plus Dr. O is ready to start treating me right away. She is positive and anxious to see what's going on with the good 'ole ovaries down there and shake them up a bit. I feel like I have a real doctor on my side ready to win this battle!! Today she did some bloodwork to check me for PCOS and a few other things that might be interrupting my brain from "talking" to my ovaries. That so far is the problem, making them talk that is, and it should be an easy task now that she will be monitoring me on a regular basis (which I didn't have with Dr. Mike). So today I finally met my match with insanity in remembering "The definition of insanity is trying the same thing over and over again hoping for a different result". I am done with the old and ready for the new. After 14 cycles of the same thing over and over I am ready for change... and it feels damn good :)

From the beginning...

2011-08-07T14:48:00.000-05:00

For the past 7 years I have seen the same OBGYN, Dr. Mike. He is a fantastic doctor- smart, compassionate, and has great bedside manner (which definitely comes in handy when I do find myself being bedside in stirrups on a monthly basis now!!) My favorite part of him was his sense of humor in any situation. He knows me as "Fire and Ice Girl", which roots back to an old "mishap" years ago the hubby and I had with a new product called Trojan Fire and Ice. I don't think it needs much explaining on what's supposed to happen when you use this product... however it sure as hell lit me on fire down there!!! Figuratively speaking that is :) Any who, after several days of excruciating burning I finally broke to see Dr. Mike for emergency help. His first question was "Did your husband want to use this??" He asked dumbfounded. I replied "No, not really, but he did because I told him it would be fun..." He shook his head and said "Well, if we learn one thing today, it's that if you should listen to your husband more often. Also, you need to read things for face value. If the label says Fire and Ice, and you have symptoms of fire... well... can't say I told you so!", and he chuckled as he wrote me a prescription.

Needless to say, he was the best thing for us this past year. He knew right away that my erratic monthly cycle would lead us to some fertility problems, and got things going right away. He taught me to chart my cycle by taking my temperature every morning, and found out that I had not been ovulating. Who knows why... I am healthy, only drink a minimal amount of Starbucks and abstain from drinking besides the occasional margarita fest. And so our journey began... he started me on 50 mg of Clomid, which effectively made me ovulate (YAY!) But after a few months without luck we were caught at another roadblock. One of my best friends had a procedure called an HSG. That is where they basically do an inpatient surgical procedure (you are awake for the whole thing) and they shoot dye through your fallopian tubes and uterus to check for abnormalities or any blockages. Can I say that was one of the most awkward and uncomfortable things I have ever done!!! Imagine what feels like a giant needle shoved up your Coocka (thanks Snookie, I love this word lmao!) and then someone taking X Rays of your abdomen all at the same time. Plus, you are positioned like an upside down frog lying on a cold metal table. JC thought it was hysterical as he and Dr. Mike discussed racing cars and stupid things that women do. Laughter is the best medicine, right?? It was almost unbearable, but totally worth the reward of possible getting pregnant as a result of a good test. Everything looked great and so we moved on, thinking that maybe it's just bad "timing".

Ughhhh, the timing. I don't mind timing things like dinner, getting to work, lunch breaks, when to feed the dog... but when you start to create a schedule for baby making it's a whole new story. So, Dr. Mike wrote on a piece of paper the days to do what and what days to do nothing (which astounded me... how do you make a baby from not doing anything every other day??) but I trusted him. After all, he is the professional, right? I brought it home to my hubby who thought I was lying. Thank goodness Dr. Mike wrote it down on a piece of paper for proof! And so the schedule began. Fun fun. lol. Not really, but we were hopeful.

Sooo after several more months without any luck we were again confused and frustrated. I kept thinking "What's next??"... Then I looked next to me at my hubby and said "Your turn!" with a big smile on my face. Sorry to be excited about this, but after 12 months of poking and prodding with him getting no special attention of that nature... it felt pretty good to say that! Any who, getting his swimmers tested was a whole different funny story, but we won't go there!! Just picture this: tiny room the size of a coat closet on a busy hallway with a small machine that makes ocean noises to block the sound. lmao... then there was the tiny cup. A warning to try some target practice a few days before would have been nice, but mission accomplished. Bag that sucker up and we waited on results. a few days later I get a call that he got an A+ on his test. Oooooh that shitty grin he had on his face when he said "I told you so!!” I was so happy that things went well, but it still left us with no answer as to why the stork keeps forgetting our house.

And here we are, 2 months later. My most recent appointment with Dr. Mike was one of a sad parting. He looked at my chart for the month and again said everything looked perfect... I ovulate perfectly, we have the timing down exact, and my hubby has super sperm. But he shakes his head as he tells me that after 13 months of trying to help us get pregnant, he's reached the end of his rope. He has to pass me on to a specialist. I felt like I had just experienced a high school break up!! Not only was I about to lose my favorite doctor of 7 years, but then I had to start all over with someone new. I cried the whole way down the elevator. But luckily out of this bad news comes a chance to start over with someone new. Maybe they will have new ideas or catch something Dr. Mike missed. There are so many different treatments out there... so I moved on from my breakup with a fresh outlook and hopes for a miracle. I found a new doctor who was referred by one of my friends (who got pregnant after only 2 months of treatment!!!). And tomorrow is the big day. I can't wait to meet this new doctor, let's call her Dr. O (since I honestly can't pronounce her name, I think it's something like that Orville Redenbacher guy's name, haha!). Tomorrow at 11:30 I have my first appointment... I feel like there are butterflies in my stomach for our "first date" haha! Plus it's a female OBGYN, so that will be new too! So wish us luck and let's see how things go tomorrow!! :)

Where hope grows, miracles blossom. Elna Rae

2011-08-07T14:05:00.000-05:00

This is where our journey begins! I have wanted to start a blog for a while now, and since talking about what is going on in our little world feels good sometimes… here it is! Welcome to our crazy, hopeful, day to day battle with infertility. I can say that I have a strong love/hate relationship with the past 13 months of TTC (Trying to Conceive). Although it has been the most difficult and frustrating battle I have ever entered, it is also the most rewarding. JC and I are closer than ever and going through this challenge has really blessed our marriage with a new kind of love and care. We know that we are in this together and will continue to do whatever it takes to make our dream come true! When that one day comes and we hold our little miracle for the first time, I can only imagine the kind of love we will feel for this child we wanted so much. So welcome to my funny, uncensored and challenging story about out journey to start a family :)