I didn’t even plan this consciously, but today’s Becoming podcast is about expectations in marriage. You’ll want to hear this one, where David Dwight talks about camping trips go wrong and I talk about getting mad at Dave for not cleaning our garage. It’s all about expectations and communicating those unwritten rules between one another. Check it out!

And don’t forget to leave your BEST first date ideas over on Renee’s interview…something for everyone here today! Woop!

It’s one week since Valentine’s. 51 more weeks and it’ll be back again, and some of you are wondering and wishing…will 2013 be my year?

If you are sick of the single scene, sick of “letting go and letting God,” sick of trying to figure out how to do the dating scene and follow Jesus and yet in your heart you keep wondering, Is God going to come through?

If that sounds familiar, then you’ve got to meet my friend Renee. Renee just wrote “Not Another Dating Book,” and I love it. But today you get to meet the woman behind the book AND a chance to win a copy for you or your fav single gal. I asked Renee a few things about life, love and her new book:

shh..don't tell Renee I snagged this off her website. Isn't she beautiful??!!

So, Renee. You are an author who just finished book #2, “not another dating book.” Why did you write this book?
I wrote this book because of two reasons: (1) I was tired of being single and (2) I couldn’t find any books that encouraged my friends and I where we were at in our Christian walk as singles. They either assumed that you were dating or a virgin.

You are also a woman who’s dated around and now a newlywed! What’s the worst date you ever went on?
The worst date I ever went on was with this guy from eHarmony. I didn’t realize he’d turn up to be a creep (not all online dates are bad–I promise). All he wanted to talk about was going back to his place. I’m not proud to say this, but I did–then I got it. Ooh. He only wants me for one thing. I was so naïve that even though I believed no guy would ever like me, there were guys out there who were capable of “liking” me but not because they liked me–if you know what I mean. That’s when I left. I never spoke to him again–thank God!

Now that you have met “the one,” did he seem different immediately than other guys you’ve dated? Or did it take time?
Yes. Marc was quiet and shy, but super deep. I was leading a 20-somethings small group that he joined. We met at my parent’s house (I was 29 and living back at my parents house).
Marc wasn’t like all the scared (sorry) Christian guys I’d met over the past decade of being single. He was a man and wasn’t afraid to pick and choose his words. He wasn’t desperate, nor was he searching for a date. I liked him–a lot, but didn’t think he was interested. When he asked me out I FREAKED out and almost had a heart attack. We still joke to this day that I thought he liked my best friend. Finally, a guy who liked me and wasn’t afraid to chase me.

What’s coming up next for Renee?
I’m super excited to say that my next book is going to be on suffering and how to forgive yourself. I’ve been through a lot–and I mean A LOT. I started writing this book in 2004 when I moved back from a failed missions trip and thought my life was over. I’m so glad God’s taken the time to make me into the woman I am today–and I can’t wait to finally share my entire story in my third book.

Would you consider yourself a romantic?
Always. Even when I gave up hope, I never stopped praying for my future husband. There wasn’t a day that went by during those 12 years, 10 months, and 24 days of being single that I didn’t ask God for my future husband. I’m so glad I waited!

A recent Relevant magazine article said 80% of single Christians have had sex. Do you think it’s just old fashioned to think people can wait for marriage?

No. When God said follow Him, He didn’t give us the option to pick and choose which verses fit our lifestyle best. There are reasons God put boundaries on sex. I’m so glad I braved this subject in “Not Another Dating Book” because someone had too. If you’ve had sex before marriage you’re part of the majority. Instead of the book being so much about my story, I started over 80 dialogues about relationships so you–as the reader, can find your ultimate love story in Christ and make sense of your relationships no matter how broken they may be.

What is one word of wisdom you would give to a single girl who’s longing to be married?
It sucks. I’m not going to lie. All I ever thought about was “where the heck is he?” I could give you a pretty bow-tied cliché, but I won’t. I could tell you to “wait” but I know that’s not what you said to hear. So my best advice is to get your own love story. Cry if you have too. Seek wise council. Get a mentor. Discover your passions. Live your life out loud and don’t be ashamed to love who you are because one day soon hopefully–someone will too!

Wanna win a copy? Leave a message here or on Facebook with the answer to this question: what do you think is the ideal place for a first date? I’ll pick a random answer for the win by Friday!

Stay connected with Renee by grabbing the book, and through Facebook, Twitter and her blog on relationships, Devotional Diva!

But beyond all of that, there is the unmistakeable sense that God was present. At midnight on Saturday, when I watched a room packed with teenagers, abandoning themselves to the goodness of God. Getting lost in worship, forgetting about themselves and finding the truest sense of life in the presence of their Creator. And when I taught on Sunday morning, I was reminded that God is at work even in our failures. That this life isn’t about a straight upward climb from Point A (salvation) to Heaven. But it’s a winding road with peaks and valleys, and with every joy, every pain, every opportunity and challenge, God invites us to cling. To hold His hand, to let Him take the lead. To run into his arms and rest and even let Him carry us for a bit. And last week reminded me again that I am never old enough, never “mature” enough, never far enough along in leadership to NOT need his grace, his mercy, and his tender, forgiving love. I am thankful for that reminder of what His love is truly about: here’s just one of the songs that captures that from this weekend:

And so today (and for the next seven days), I’m moving on in this Seven study to clothing. Like the abundance of food, the emotional and financial priority I put on clothes is disconcerting. Can I care for the “least of these,” even as I bow down to the gods of fashion? Am I more interested in a semi-annual sale or in the people behind the sale, the women and children from Indonesia or Cambodia or China who manufactured that fantastic sweater or pajama pants or handbag? Later today I’ll post my seven items I decided on over on my Facebook page. I invite you to join me. Pick seven things to wear this week (including jewelry and accessories but excluding underthings). Leave a comment here or on FB listing the countries that those items are from. I’ll do the same.

This week, I’m looking forward to the challenge. I’m looking forward to simplifying. I’m looking forward to waking up to the reality of how my clothes get from sewed to shipped to shopped. More than anything, I’m reminded that when we take up the call to Follow Jesus, it’s a decision that can and should effect every sphere of our lives…even our clothes.

“Intentions are wonderful things. They are the starting points, the defining moments of our lives. But in and of themselves, intentions are wholly inadequate. As a Christ follower, it’s easy to mistake intention for action and stirrings for solutions. . . . But even the strength of my intentions is not an accurate indicator of whether or not I will take the time to act, to put my faith to work, to be the difference that Christ has empowered me to be.”

Nancy Ortberg, Looking for God

Food: February 10-17.

Read about what that means here.

Clothes: Feb 20-26.

Wear only seven items of clothing for a week. (I’m inviting my family to participate)

Possessions: Feb 27-Mar 4.

Give away seven personal items every day for a week. (I’m requiring my family to participate!)

Media: Mar 5-11.

Only work-related technology use. (This one will be interesting!)

Waste: Mar 12-18.

Focus and Learn about Recycling, Composting and Local Farming. Finally buy those reusable bags for my kids’ lunches.

Spending: Mar 19-25.

Limit my areas of spending to giving, groceries, gas.

Stress: Mar 26-Apr 1.

Focus on the presence of prayer; with seven moments of prayer throughout the day.

This might be my last update for this week, as the rest of the week will be devoted to last-minute details and speaking prep for Hope’s Student Retreat. But misery this challenge loves company, so join me. Really. Do it. Any week or every week!

Dear Avocados and Sweet Potatoes, I'm ignoring you.

To prepare for the beginning of this crazy experiment to rebel against excess, I’m eating cookie dough for breakfast.

Yes, this is a confession. I actually think cookie dough for breakfast is perfectly acceptable and even desirable. There was a time, hazy in my memory at this point, where I actually cared deeply about eating healthy. I ate vegetables every day. EVERY day! I chose balanced meals. I ate meals sitting down, not standing behind my kitchen sink, checking email on my iPhone and fulfilling all of my children’s requests like a short-order cook.
“Eggs! Scrambled! No Ketchup! Apple Juice!”
“Egg! Fried, no yucky yellow part! Ketchup! Water! No Ice!”
“No eggs! Waffle, with whipped cream and chocolate chips and syrup!”

There used to be a time when I bought organic foods and (gasp) made my own baby food. There was a time when I cared, and then there was student ministry. Since I’m back re-living my middle and high school years, I’ve resumed thinking of chips as their own food group, eating Peanut M & Ms and Diet Coke as a power meal, and insisting fruit snacks actually count as fruit.

So, starting the Seven Experiment (if you want to join in you’ll need to read back on these posts) is as much about opening my eyes to how my appetite determines my actions as it is about recognizing that God created fruits and vegetables for a reason. For the next week, beginning tomorrow, I’m copying Jen Hatmaker’s food month by eating only seven foods:

• chicken breast
• spinach
• apples
• sweet potatoes
• whole wheat bread
• eggs
• avocados

You’ll notice that this is NOT a fast like the Five-Day Challenge, a restriction of food to eat like the bottom half of the world does every day. The five day challenge is a painful (and incredible) experience of making poverty real and supporting hunger relief organizations.

This is an experiment in making healthy choices and divorcing myself from the many food choices that take up my mental and emotional head space. This is a rebellion against responding to my every appetite whim as a way to control emotions. (exhausted? coffee! bored? brownies! stressed? M&Ms! Rushed? Sure, a string cheese is lunch!) It’s a nod to the fact that God has housed our souls in mortal bodies–bodies that need healthy food, rest, balance. It’s facing the reality: that “abundant life” means more about my grocery store choices than it does about self-discipline, sustaining the planet and living simply.

And it’s a challenge–to me and to you if you’ll take it–to lay every cultural norm under the microscope of God’s word. It’s not too late to join up. Grab Seven: An Experimental Mutiny Against Excess (which is funny and piercing all at once). You can check out more about it on Jen’s latest blog, For the Cheaters, Shirkers and Cherry-Pickers. And let’s see what shakes out.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have some coffee and cookie dough to eat. I’ll get to those avocados tomorrow.

(And, if you want some moral support, let me know you are participating with a comment or an email. We can complain together.)

Like pumping air into a tire, I pumped courage into my heart and walked in–a place that has always been a sanctuary for me, a place that will soon hold my 50,000 words, poured into this ocean of hard work and fulfilled dreams that is a bookstore.

I bought a bible, two for good measure. I went up to the cashier, a woman with a fresh pouf of hair that pronounced “I go to my hairdresser once a week for a style.” She was an older lady and I tried to believe that she was young at heart. As she rang up my bibles and ridiculously overpriced bribe toys Jesus material for my two sick kids, currently dancing the Maypole around my legs, I flashed my best cheerleader smile. Somehow I broached the topic.

I wrote a book

I said,

Will we carry it?

she said

It’s with Tyndale so I think you will

I said, with a shrug and a laugh as if I knew exactly how important this book would be to her and every woman who ever graces the steps of this bookstore.

What’s it about?

she said

then I thought, (insert expletive) I don’t know what it’s about! It’s about everything! It’s my heart opened up and poured out on paper, which I don’t know if you will like or not! But instead I said

it’s called She’s Got Issues, and it’s about the ordinary stuff that keeps women from experiencing freedom in life & love

and she said,

Sounds like a book I need,

with a half-smile, and a shrug, and then turned away.

My heart deflated, and she turned back.

So, how do you get published,

and I knew what she meant was “I like to write and think I could do a children’s book” or “I teach a bible study at my church” and I was slapped in the inner-face in that moment, with how much I care about the book I wrote and how little many others will care about that book. And about how I am so caught up in my own agenda and so was poufy-hair lady, because right then it was not about the sweat and tears that went into this first book, it was about the possiblity that she might someday be published.

But my inner big-girl coach kicked in and I swallowed back some words and then said,

Start small. Write articles. Get published. Try to speak. Publishers like that.

And I donated a $5 bible to the Crisis Pregnancy Center and grabbed my $64.27 receipt and my children’s hands and I walked out with my head held high and my heart spinning downward.

But this is what I wanted to say to poufy-hair lady:

So you want to write? You like writing your Christmas letter and you have this cute idea for a children’s book? Well, then, how much do you really like to write? Not sure, huh? Well, let me tell you a secret. There is only one thing you need to write. Passion.

You have to care so deeply about the topic you are writing for that you are willing to work for years, YEARS, with very little show for your toil. When I started writing it was because I wanted to reach as many women with God’s word and the freedom found within it. I thought hard about what would help me reach women and teach more frequently and I decided it was by the legitimacy and platform of a book.

So I started a blog because I wanted to write a book. Yep, not just for fun or because it was the cool thing to do. I wrote (and write) on that blog because I wanted to write a BOOK. Then I wrote 100-word articles because I wanted to write a book. Then I queried twenty different magazines and websites, getting mostly rejections, because I wanted to write a book. I wrote faithfully and often on my blog so my writing would get better. I read literary agent websites like the bible and followed everything they said (thank you Macgregor Literary and Rachelle Gardner and Mary DeMuth). I read magazines so that I could match their tone when I sent them hook letters one, two and eight times because I wanted to write a BOOK. I got paid $50 and $100 for weeks and months of writing because I wanted to write a book. I went to writing conferences and met other authors because I wanted to write a book. I followed blogs like mine and read books like what I wanted to write and crafted book proposals over and over again because I wanted to write a book. I wrote a bible study on my own and self-published it because I wanted to write a book. I invested in a website and promoted the bible study because I wanted to write a book. I befriended authors and talked up their books and hosted them on my blog (I did actually like them). I got up at 5:30AM and stayed up past midnight to write and to edit because I wanted to write a book. I exchanged hundreds of emails with agents and editors, most of which ended in rejection because I wanted to write a BOOK.

So I ask you, do you want it that bad?

Are you so passionate about writing or about a topic that you love that you are willing to work like that? I started my blog in April 2008 and landed a book contract in May 2011. Most would agree that is a SHORT journey to publication. If you want to write fiction, it may take even longer. Do you have it? Do you have the inner drive to work for that hard and that long, for no money and for little recognition? Can you set goals for yourself? By all means, if you want a ministry, you want to bless your mom and her five friends, write a blog sporadically and submit an article for the church newsletter.

But if you want to write a book, you better have a fire burning in your gut that makes you work hard. And if that’s a God calling, I believe he’ll give you enough to keep you going. You’ll get that needed word of encouragement or praise from someone who is neither friend nor family (and if that’s not happening, get a writing coach and work on your craft.) Or you’ll get an article published. Or you’ll have twenty more people read your blog today. Or you’ll begin to have an “expertise” around your chosen topic.

There are a million more things to say about the writing journey, but I’ll say just five:

1. Set a goal: is it a book? a speaking career? An article published? A blog that generates income? Freelance work? Every goal will have a different set of steps to get there.

2. Write in your stream. If you want to write about parenting, then query and research parenting blogs and magazines. Don’t consider your article on gun control to be a rung in the ladder toward parenting, unless you can give it a unique twist from the parenting perspective.

3. Write often and get feedback. Write for website contests. Submit to blogs. Join a writer’s group. Make a plan. Stick to it.

4. Build a platform. There are a million posts to read about this. You are not a personality or an amazing writing voice to a publisher. You are a number. Unless you are the DaVinci of artists with the pen (which I think you’d know by now), you are going to be a hard-working writer. The more people who listen to you, the better your chances of getting noticed by an agent and ultimately a publisher.

5. Consider yourself an artist. There is nothing better you can do than stop thinking you are going to be the American Idol of publishing. It’s not gonna happen. So think of yourself as a struggling artist. An artist works a job that pays the bills and supports her passion. An artist often shows off her work for little or no money. An artist works in her medium because she is obsessed and needs her art as much as she needs others to enjoy it. An artist creates for the sake of creating, and lives in the tension of creating art as an expression of her soul (and as a hobby) or sacrificing some of her own “way” and making art a career. You’ll have to struggle through that too.

But today, in the bookstore, I didn’t say all of that. I just smiled and walked away. My inner coach reminded me of the points above, and I realized that I set out to reach women. I thought a book was my best first step. And 328 steps later, I’m almost there.

Have any writing questions that I didn’t answer? Leave a comment and I’ll do my best to answer or direct you to the right place!

It's just like Patrick to send me a picture of himself in a tree.

I’m not a very big fan of New Years, and an even less fan of resolutions for the new year. I admit that I have about a 99% failure rate, which might effect my feelings, but either way I’m not a fan. After three weeks, does anyone really keep up with, or even remember their resolutions? I know I don’t, which is why I like the idea behind “One Word 2012”. I like it because it isn’t a resolution, it’s a challenge. It isn’t a see what I can do in a year, it is more of a see what the Lord can do in a year.

It was Nicole who first introduced me to the idea of reflecting on a word for a year. To be honest, I wasn’t a big fan of it at first. It didn’t make since to me and I didn’t want a resolution for the new year. But then I went to Passion in Atlanta, Georgia and found my word. There I learned how slavery still exists and how it is worse now today, than ever before in the African Slave Trade. I learned how it is estimated that there are 27 million slaves in the world today. I kept hearing about one word. I couldn’t stop thinking about this one word. It became clear that this word is so perfect and appropriate for me to reflect on: Freedom.

I must admit that when I chose freedom, I didn’t think much about it. I thought to myself, “yeah ok, freedom. I need to pray for the slaves that are in existence today”. But no, there is much more to it. It is crazy how much God has done with just one word, in just one month. He has taught me that I once was a slave, John 8:34, and that He set me free from that slavery, Galatians 5:1. He has taught me that with that freedom I am made two things: innocent,Romans 8:1, and a bond servant, Romans 1:1. I’m also learning that I have been given that freedom so that I may serve others, Galatians 5:13.

So will you think and pray about a word for your own life? I honestly believe that if you do, God will use that word to transform your life. You’ll be given opportunities to learn, and opportunities to serve. I can’t wait to tell you how I have been able to serve others, to help give out this freedom I’ve been given.

A part of me probably knew that this would be difficult. That my heart truly is in the right place when I say yes to a coffee date, an article, a project, or a school commitment. But seriously. It’s too much. I can’t do it all and I shouldn’t, because God isn’t looking for stressed-out, strung-out leaders. It’s about finding the one (or two, or maybe three) things that we are called to and doing those. It’s about being faithful to the places and people where God has clearly assigned us.

One of my favorite Psalms says “you have assigned me my portion and my cup.” My portion is about the area of influence I’ve been given. It’s about my children and their friends. My neighbors and our school. It’s about the cheerleaders I coach and the friends I interact with and the ministry I run. But my cup…that’s tougher. My cup can be about blessing or suffering…surely Jesus knew them both. Psalm 23 says “my cup overflows” in the context of blessing and fruitfulness. But in the Garden of Gethsemane, right before his death, Jesus asks his Father God that “the cup” he has been assigned–one of suffering and humilitation and pain–might be taken from him.

Certainly the cup we bear has something to do with both. The cup might be relationships that demand our all. The cup might be the tedious and repetitive stuff of life that we must do to keep the world spinning: bills, dishes, laundry, organizing. The cup might be our sensitive hearts that hurt when we see our friends in pain or our children struggle or the evil that flourishes in this world. We take our portion and we take our cup. Like Jesus, we struggle privately with our Father God and we rely on his strength to deliver publicly, to honor the portion and cup we’ve been given.

Delivering on that takes grit and perseverance. It takes endurance that pushes me beyond my own limits, and discipline to rest when needed. It takes looking outside of myself to choose what is best for portion and cup I’m living right now: family. student ministry. teaching and writing. And more than anything, it takes a desperate dependence on God’s strength and direction, so that I can pursue the course he has marked out for me.

It’s your turn: what are your reflections on your One Word?

I tried to find a fun Friday graphic for today, and they all featured cats. I hate cats.

An update on the Mobeley family from my post earlier this week. We continue to provide hospitality through food and lodging, and the family continues in a “wait and see” mode. Please continue to pray for the mother’s healing–she may be discharged as early as tomorrow–and for wisdom and discernment for the father’s serious condition.

Beginning next Friday, I’ll be leading us through an online book club using Jen Hatmaker’s book, Seven. You can read my review here; snap up a copy and join us. Alongside Jen, we’ll be combatting areas of excess in our life over the course of seven weeks. The first area will be food. More on that next Friday, but get ready to shake up your life! You’ll find support, encouragement and lots of laughter here as we travel through Jen’s book.

It’s already a month into the One Word Challenge. I’ve updated our community picture to represent everyone who’s resolved to live out their one word. (If I missed your word, just let me know…I keep adding!) Next week I’ll be adding my own reflections on the word “deliver” as well as a guest post from one handsome, single, God-loving young man (read: available).

Next Wednesday I’ll also be answering some questions about the writing & publishing journey. If you have a question, leave me a comment or drop me a line at nicoleunice AT gmail DOT com and I’ll do my best to answer it!

Finally, I’m loving this verse this week:

“This is what the Sovereign Lord, the Holy One of Israel, says: “In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength, but you would have none of it.”

I don’t want to be a person who “has none” of what God’s dealing out. For me, that means that repentance, rest, quietness and trust need to be part of a daily practice. I love the simplicity and the challenge in those words.

Carve out some time for intentional rest: not TV, not sleeping, not “doing”…just entering into a quiet place of the heart with God. Even ten minutes of intentional quiet in God’s presence is a nourishing experience for your soul!