The Stylin' Lounge

Run Forest Run!

2022-05-11T08:05:00.003-02:30

I fucking ran!

Ok let me back up here a minute.

My normal days off are Sunday and Monday and last week I booked off Friday and Saturday for a bit of a break. Then the unfortunate events of last Tuesday happened and I took an extra day on Thursday. So a 5 day break from work and from the fitness room.

Seven AM this morning I put on my new running shoes and hopped on the elliptical. From the get go I noticed a difference, I can't praise these sneakers enough. Ten minutes felt like nothing now that I don't have a pair of bricks on my feet.

Then I changed to the treadmill to do my next ten minutes, I'm still taking it slowly and not extending my time yet. At about the three minute mark, there was something about my pace and the beats in my ears and the sun shining in and the morning being so good, that I changed my pace from a steady walk to a jog/run for a solid five minutes! IT FELT SO GOOD!

I then scaled back to my former pace and finished out my ten minutes but it was glorious.

I AM SO FUCKING HAPPY THIS MORNING!

Wooooooooo!

It Happened One Night (again)

2022-05-05T04:25:00.003-02:30

The first time was horrible, the second time felt strangely surreal. It had to happen again, it was just a matter of time. You work overnight and you have to expect it at some point and anyone who says they aren't is lying.

I got held up at work, for the second time.

It as a routine night, quiet and unremarkable as far as a night in a hotel goes. I was sitting at a table just minding my own business and a guy walked in off the street. Not uncommon in the middle of the night after the bars close. He came up to the desk and asked what time it was and I told him.

Then he holds his hand up, and I'm not sure if he held a knife or a boxcutter I couldn't really tell, and said; "Give me all the money in the cash."

I told him; "There is no money, it's all locked away at night."

He says; "Give me your wallet."

I said; "There's no money in there either."

At that point he turned around and left, just like that. Gone into the night. As I dialed 911 I followed to see where he went but he took off faster than a speeding bullet because he was nowhere in sight.

Thinking it over and replaying it again, I'm still not sure that it happened because it was so fast. I'd almost start to mistrust my own memory except that the guy was caught, confessed and is in custody now.

It was all over in about 20 seconds and I really wasn't sure at first that it had happened. It was just so quick and nonchalant, we almost had a regular conversation except the whole threatening me with a weapon part.

Even weirder, I'm alright. I mean that, I feel no different than I did before it happened. Maybe it's because this time I'm on anti anxiety medication, maybe it's because I have more coping mechanisms now after spending time with a psychiatrist the first time.

Maybe it's just waiting to hit me, I'll see in the coming days, but I'm ready for it. This time I have a head start, between the meds and access to an EAP, a super amazing manager who checks in and really, genuinely cares about my well being, and a system of family and friends in constant contact letting me know that I'm not alone and I need never feel alone, I'm ready for whatever comes looking for my brain.

This time I came back to work the next night, this time I was ready for a panic attack that never came. This time it was my choice to come back, I could have taken one or more days off if needed (I said my manager cares and I mean it.) This time there was no guilt trip to come back, no pressure to get me back behind the desk. This time it was for me if nothing else but to prove to myself that there is no "monster lurking in the dark" waiting to pounce at me.

I know that it's just a bit of bad luck on a bad night. I know that it could have happened to anyone and that I am not any specific target for crime. Shit happens and junkies are always looking for ways to get their next fix, that's speculation on my part as for his motivations. It's just random chance.

Will it happen again in future, who knows? Will it keep me in fear from working nights? No. Will it keep me from doing my job? No. Will it help my brain beat me? Hell no!

Fresh New Kicks

2022-04-30T11:55:00.001-02:30

Time for a change. On the top, the original sneakers I've had through my entire journey. Just your average, run of the mill, Wal-Mart special sneaker. Countless hours on treadmills and believe it or not I was wearing these when I did my 7.5 miles of the Tely 10.

On the bottom, the upgrades. My new Nikes. These things are so comfy and cushioned and designed for running. A new start calls for new and better footwear. Thanks to my friend Sarah for the help and getting me pointed in the right direction to best take care of my feet and by extension my body as I get in shape.

Weight Loss Part 2: Electric Boogaloo

2022-04-26T00:06:00.003-02:30

Almost six years ago now my life changed. While working, a coworker and I were held up at gunpoint. That sent me to my doctor who sent me to a psychiatrist to work on fixing my head. I decied there and then that if I was going to fix my head, I'd fix the train wreck that was my body at the time too. With my doctor's help and testing, I found that although I was 398lbs, I was lucky that aside high blood pressure, I had no other issues. My cholesterol was fine, my blood work was fine, my lungs were fine, my liver, kidneys and other assorted good and plenty was fine. I was a candidate to be pre diabetic but like my weight, we could get that under control with a change in diet and starting to exercise.

So I started.

I changed up my eating habits completely and knuckled down to going to workout after every shift at work. I worked in a hotel and had access to the fitness room on site, so I could use the treadmill whenever I wanted. with a lot of hard work and a lot of personal ass kicking, I got myself into gear and over the course of a year and a half, I lost close to 100lbs. I felt great, I was moving better than ever before, I lost almost 10 inches off my waist. Not only did I lose the weight, but I kept it off, I maintained my new eating habits and I looked forward to working out. Going for long walks lead to going at a jog, lead to running. Slowly but still a run. A 300lb man can only run so fast after all. 2019 I ran 7.5 miles of the Tely 10 Mile Road Race.

Though I didn't finish, it was 7.5 miles further than I thought I'd have made it. I promised myself that I would be back and I would finish, 3.5 miles to go. That became my new mantra.

Then in March 2020, the world ground to a halt, and me with it. I was laid off work for 6 months. In that time, I started in isolation because I had been exposed to the virus, then the lockdowns came and there was nowhere to go and nothing to do anyway. Then delivery opened up for everything, from groceries to take out. Suddenly it became just as easy to get my choice of grease delivered to the door as it was to make a home cooked meal. In that time as well I stopped working out, in fact I stopped moving much at all. I would routinely walk the same path from my bed to my couch and back, with stops to the bathroom and to my door to collect the next delivery.

Inaction leads to stagnation and led me to a lazy, sedentary lifestyle. if you want to call it a lifestyle. Weight started to pack back on. Even when I returned to work, I wasn't interested in moving or working out anymore. I just wanted to sit and stay a potato. Then my duties changed and I was running around a 5 floor building nightly doing some light cleaning, back and forth the floors repeatedly. Every night. I started to feel better, I even thought of going back on the treadmill. But it only stayed a thought. Then my duties changed back and I wasn't required to do the same workload, so back to stagnation I went. For the rest of 2021 I did nothing and I kept eating. Delivery was still convenient, too convenient at this point.

My doctor was still monitoring my blood pressure every three months and I was still medicated for it, but other than that I wasn't doing anything about my health. There is no excuse for it, lazy is easy, staying in shape is hard. I chose easy. It's now bitten me in the ass. May 28th, I went for blood work that my doctor had ordered. April 8th I decided to weigh myself for the first time in a couple of years and I was 399lbs. Back to square one and a pound heavier than the last time I started this journey. Then my doctor called and said that she wanted to see me in person on April 19th instead of having a phone consult.

The results of that, and everything since are taken from Facebook posts about my health. I am very open and honest when talking about my health and my successes as well as my struggles. This blog will be resurrected and I'll be updating it with my progress as I go. So welcome to my weight loss journey part two.

April 19th

First Doctor's appointment/checkup done.

I had bloodwork done, I get it done yearly. After I got it done, my Doctor's office called and asked me to come in, instead of having a phone appointment.

Not gonna lie, that spiked my anxiety and the waiting sucked. My mind ran through every scenario from high cholesterol to early markers for prostate cancer like Dad had.

While the diagnosis isn't good, it's not as bad as my runaway imagination was trying to tell me.

Because of the weight gain, because of letting my health deteriorate, I now have Type II Diabetes.

I'll be doing an education course through Eastern Health to lean how to deal with it, I'll be getting a glucometer and other supplies and I'll be meeting with a dietitian. Exercise and weight loss can and will help control things.

Right now I don't need insulin, but if I'd not decided to improve my health again, I could have been heading down a very dangerous road.

I also have low iron, which my doctor and I find strange, cause I'm all about red meat and chicken and protein. Heck I love blood pudding. So that's gonna be monitored as well.

And finally, I have to get a study done for sleep apnea finally. My doctor said she thinks I have it based on my weight, I told her I know I've had it undiagnosed for years as people have told me I stop breathing when I sleep.

Diabetes, low Iron, Sleep Apnea.

I will control and fix these things. I lost 100lbs once, I will do it and more again.

April 21st

First workout done and I am a sweaty, out of shape bastard. I decided to warm up on the elliptical and after 5 minutes I was ready to quit. So I switched to the recumbent bicycle and after another 5 minutes was ready to die. But I got my ass up on the treadmill for a walk.

After 5 minutes there, I felt like I was gonna puke and had no idea how to go on. Just in the nick of time, Bonnie Tyler sang through my headphones that she was holding out for a hero and that gave me the push I needed to go another 5 minutes.

Considering I haven't done a workout since before the world changed, a total 20 minute cardio workout isn't bad in my books. I have to start somewhere, might as well be here.

Tomorrow I aim for 25 minutes.

April 22nd

"Perhaps your hands would remember their old strength better if they grasped your sword." - Gandalf

There might be more truth to that than I gave Tolkien credit for.

Second night workout, still 20 minutes because you're all right, I'm not pushing myself. But tonight was so much better than last night. 10 minutes on the elliptical and I was flying. 10 minutes on the treadmill and I didn't want to quit or puke.

I know it's a big change from night one to night two, but my body used to do this and it's starting to remember. It's waking up from a long slumber and it's going to get back into shape.

April 23rd

Day 3 done and another 20 minutes done. I'm not going crazy, I'm not racing anyone but myself. I did notice, like yesterday, that my body is remembering what it can do.

Day 1 the rpms on the elliptical were between 60-70 and that was a slog. Today the rpms were a consistent 100 and I could still sing along to the music in my headphones.

On the treadmill, I had to stop myself from running. I just wanted to maintain a good, fast walking pace but my legs kept trying to have other ideas.

My heart rate stayed a consistent 150bpm, which according to several websites is the target heart rate that I should be aiming for, so I'm not pushing things yet.

Body and brain need to get back in line before my cardio playlist goes back to Dance/Euro House/EDM.

April 24th

Day 4 finished.

20 minutes up, 20 minutes down. It really is getting easier even if it is only my 4th day back using the elliptical and the treadmill. I'm going to be a while before I let myself start running, no matter if my legs want to ahead of the rest of me. One step at a time, one day at a time. For now though, I'm looking forward to two days of rest, because as we all know, the body does need recovery time.

Also, though I'm not focusing on my weight, I'm only weighing myself once a month so that I don't obsess over minor ups and downs that can and will happen along the way. This morning I did decide to check out the scale, since it was there and I wanted to know if I'm making any initial progress.

Well, I'm down 5 lbs in the last 12 days. It's not a lot, but it is a start. I've cut out snacks and what little soda I was drinking, and I've had 3 meals a day, every day, along with the last 4 days of cardio. Part of my blood pressure control is a water pill, so no I'm not retaining water to lose any water weight. This is actual weight loss.

Now to stay away from the scales until May 8th.

Brace Yourselves, Mother Nature's Coming

2022-02-13T01:27:00.002-03:30

***Just keep pedaling, it's the best we can do till the rest of the lab boys get the cyclotron up and running again. Thankfully the place it heated geothermally and the Grotto© has its own power system. I don't care if you're tired, we have to get the PA system up and running. When that little red light starts flashing, like it is now, I'll be on the air. Wait, when did that start... Dammit!***

Attention! Attention! I need the attention of the entire class... Ummm... I mean subjugate... unwashed masses... et. al.

I know it's been a while, and due to budget cuts and tech bugs, we here at The Bunker™ have only been able to extend The Weather Machine™ coverage to the North East Avalon, if not the entire Avalon Peninsula at times.

As you might imagine, this is causing a lot of headaches with the lab boys, and not just because I've been testing the new headache laser on them. Well, we've reached a bit of a breaking point and The Weather Machine™ needs to come down for maintenance and we'll be leaving the area vulnerable for just a little while. A day. Or two. Three at max, maybe 4.

Point is, this is the break Mother Nature has been waiting for. Her and Old Man Winter have been plotting against me since November, but we've shown her!

Anyway, she's mounting a major incursion, a weather event if you will, for Monday. I know it's short notice, but if you all pull together, I know you'll be able to give the Collection Bots™ all the loot n' plunder I'll need to keep going. So get out there and empty those grocery and liquor stores as I know you can, maybe get some gas even though it'll likely cost an arm and a leg which you could just as easily lose by sticking it in a Collection Bot™.

With your help, we'll get through this, and by we I mean me and the girls in the Grotto©

In the meantime, I'm also deploying about half the Collection Bots™ and The Brute Squad© to some place called Windsor, apparently there's a line of trucks, a convoy if you will, just ripe for the plundering. Can't wait to collect all that.

We're done here.

My Mental Health

2021-06-13T08:04:00.002-02:30

Let me preface this with: I am not a doctor, I am not a medical professional. I am not offering any advice. I am just stating personal experience. If you have any medical questions for yourself or your circumstances, please talk to your doctor or therapist or health professional. Do not start any medications without talking to a doctor.

This is going to be another mental health talk.

My name is Steve and I deal with mental health issues. I have severe anxiety that causes panic attacks and depression that robs me of the desire to do much beyond lie on my couch. Something is messed up in my brain so that it doesn’t produce needed chemicals to achieve a balance in my brain. That imbalance causes problems, from being overwhelmed by the simplest emotions, to not being able to rationally process events, to being confused.

Reading those words is one thing, but understanding them is another.

Anxiety, that’s kind of like Spider Sense, but it’s always on and it’s always on at full power. There’s always danger and there’s always something bad about to happen. It heightens paranoia, is that person staring? Is that car following? What’s evil and hiding around that corner? It keeps you on the edge of your seat and keeps your head on a swivel. It’s exhausting as well, because having your senses running at full power all the time is beyond tiring. This also leads to Anxiety’s best friend, the panic attack.

What is a panic attack? If you’ve never had one it’s hard to understand and when you have one, it doesn’t make sense. My worst panic attack, I could feel my heart beating a mile a minute, but I couldn’t breathe. I was taking short, hyperventilating breaths and I couldn’t catch my breath no matter how I tried. I was sitting, hugging my knees, tears running down my face for no reason that I could figure out as I tried and failed to figure out what was going on and how I could get my breathing back to normal. It took an hour or more for this to pass.

Tie them both together with their best friend Depression. A TV character once said “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and gosh darn it people like me.” Well for me, depression is the voice saying I’ll never be good enough, I’m stupid to think so, and no one likes me anyway. So why bother doing anything or going anywhere, in the end it doesn’t matter since no one cares. Might as well just stay on the couch, watch TV and Movies and get fat, there’s nothing else to do.

Hearing my own voice in my head saying those things repeatedly takes a toll. After all, who am I to argue with myself? That’s what makes depression hard to ignore, it’s not someone else’s voice saying these things to me, it’s me saying them to myself.

So how do I fight this? Simple. I’ve seen a therapist and I’m on medication. I saw my family doctor and talked with her because I knew I couldn’t fight alone, I’d need help. So she put me on Effexor. It’s one of a family of pharmaceuticals used to treat anxiety and depression.

“It may improve your mood and energy level and may help restore your interest in daily living. It may also decrease fear, anxiety, unwanted thoughts, and the number of panic attacks.”

That’s the textbook description of what the drug can do. What it does for me, it turns my anxiety down from 11 to about 2 or 3, makes it manageable. It quiets the voice in my head so that it's an ignorable white noise that I don’t have to listen to. It lifts the crushing weight off of my chest so that I can breathe. I’m in control of my emotions again. I can feel sad without being overwhelmed by it. I don’t have to pull over when driving because I can’t see through the tears that come from hearing a song that triggers a memory. I can sit at work and not have the feeling that danger is going to burst through the front door at any second.

So the big question is; When do I get better, when do I no longer need the medication? The reality for me is, I don’t. I’m being treated for a medical condition and I require medication to stabilize that condition. Other conditions require medical intervention for life and this is no different. As long as I’m on my medication, I can function. I will still have ups and downs as my brain chemistry changes, I may eventually require an increase in the dosage of my medications to maintain the balance.

This is the hardest thing for a lot of people to understand, mental illness doesn’t go away, it doesn’t just stop or finally heal like a broken bone. This imbalance doesn’t correct itself, it needs the help of medication supplying or making the brain supply the chemicals that it should if it were totally healthy. We live with the illness, we learn about the illness and ourselves and we learn how to deal with it. As frustrating as it can be to watch someone suffer and feel helpless to do anything, we feel just as, oftentimes more, frustrated and angry that we’re fighting so hard on the inside and we’re all alone inside our skulls.

I’ll keep talking about my issues, because mental health needs to be talked about. It needs to be brought out of the shadows, it needs to be spoken of the way any other medical condition is. There needs to be no shame, no stigma and no fear attached to it, so that anyone suffering isn’t afraid to talk or afraid to seek out the help they desperately need.

Memories of Dad

2020-11-20T23:40:00.003-03:30

I'm going to be posting memories of me and my Dad here. I'll be adding more stories as I think of them, so that I have them in one place and I can read and share these memories of the most amazing Dad and friend a guy could ever have.

Ok happy memory time.

When I was a kid, we got walkmans one year for Christmas. In the evening, Dad was sat on the couch with his new headphones on, his eyes closed and a smile on his face.

And I asked him: "Dad, what are you smiling about?"

He said: "I can take my music with me, and this, this is music."

With that he put the headphones on my head and it was the first time I heard "The Boxer" by Simon & Garfunkel.

It was the start of my musical education.

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Another Happy Memory

**WARNING**

This memory of Dad and me references a public figure who we now know is deplorable. We did not know then what we know now, but this is a father/son bonding memory and nothing will ever tarnish that for me. ANYONE WHO TRIES TO DO SO WILL BE DELETED AND BLOCKED IMMEDIATELY. And I swear by the Goddess, The Lords of Kobol, The Old Gods & The New, Aslan & Primus that I will curse you and your family for the next 7 generations!

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I get a lot of my sense of humour from my Dad. He introduced me to comedy. Not just sit coms on TV, but stand up comedians. As a kid I knew Lenny Bruce, George Carlin, Richard Pryor, Robin Williams, Don Rickles, Jonathan Winters and Bill Cosby, among others.

The first comedy album, the first comedy bit I remember is Bill Cosby's Basketball story. Then Ennis' Toilet, Revenge, The 9th Street Bridge, Fat Albert stories and so forth. Me and Dad could recite hours of these bits and we could pick up where the other left off once we started going. It was amazing fun for me.

In 2009, Bill Cosby came to Newfoundland for a show at Mile One Centre. As soon as I found out, I logged into the site, booked three tickets for me, him and my step mom and then held off on finalizing the purchase.

I called Dad and told him Cosby was coming and we needed to go. Dad was always one who could find tickets to shows or new someone who knew someone who had spare, unused tickets. Dad himmed and hawed and thought about his contacts. The show was in December and he realized that getting tickets might prove impossible. Hearing the defeat in his voice was crushing. Cosby's coming he doesn't think he can get tickets.

So I clicked purchase and said "We're going, I have three seats in the third row. Merry Christmas Dad."

He didn't believe me at first, but as it sunk in he was beside himself with joy. He was amazed. We went to the show and had the time of our lives. Me an him sitting there, listening to Cosby in person, and when he did The Dentist bit we said it along with him while my step mom looked at us like we were totally crazy and she was disowning us. We didn't care at that point.

Dad never spoke too much about his feelings, he didn't need to. We both knew how we felt about each other. But when I got home, he had sent me an email that I will treasure until the end of time.

Steve

Words cannot express the joy of this years Christmas gift. To actually see Bill Cosby LIVE and In person will be one of the greatest memories in my life. To sit with you and both of us remembering those great times listening to Cos and being with my son to see him live means something words cannot describe. Thank you so much for a great Christmas present and great memory shared with you.

Dad

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Happy Memory

**WARNING**

This memory references a public figure who we now know is deplorable. We did not know then what we know now, but this is a father/son bonding memory and nothing will ever tarnish that for me. ANYONE WHO TRIES TO DO SO WILL BE DELETED AND BLOCKED IMMEDIATELY. And I swear by the Goddess, The Lords of Kobol, The Old Gods & The New, Aslan & Primus that I will curse you and your family for the next 7 generations!

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If you aren't fortunate enough to have ever heard Bill Cosby's early comedy, you missed out. One of his bits that struck a chord for me and my sister Carla was about Chocolate Cake For Breakfast.

"The child wanted chocolate cake for breakfast! How ridiculous! And I said... and someone in my brain looked under chocolate cake and saw the ingredients: eggs! Eggs are in chocolate cake! And milk! Oh goody! And wheat! That's nutrition!"

After my parents separation, Dad moved into an apartment in the old military buildings in Pleasantville. We would stay with Dad on the weekends. Our first weekend after he moved in, we all sat down to a healthy, nutritious, McCain's Deep n' Delicious Chocolate cake... for breakfast!

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Happy Memory

I'm a bookworm, I get that from my mom. Both parents encouraged it and fed into it by buying me books over the years. In grade 8 I got hooked on Sherlock Holmes, and read a lot of the classics, 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea, The Time Machine, War Of The Worlds and so on.

In high school, my good friend Tony was raving about this book, Dragons Of Autumn Twilight. It was all he talked about for a good couple of weeks. So I asked where he got it and he said Timemasters. Well, on one of my weekends with Dad I mentioned the book and he said "Let's go get it then." and off we went downtown.

My first time in the store, I never wanted to leave. In the 90s and today, it's a nerd paradise. I found the book easily enough on a rack, and then saw Dragons Of Winter Night, Dragons Of Spring Dawning and Dragons Of Summer Flame. I didn't know there were four books, either Tony didn't say or I didn't hear him. My heart sank that I'd only be getting one of the books and then have to wait to get the others over time as I saved money.

Dad saw it too, and picked up all four books. I looked at him, confused, and he said "well if there's four books, we get four books. Nothing worse than finding out there's a 'To Be Continued' at the end."

and that's how I got The Dragonlance Chronicles.

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To say that my Dad was a sports fan is a bit of an understatement. He could rattle off facts, figures, stats, names and plays for almost any sport (never asked him about F1 lol) Mention Boston and tuck in, because you'd be there for a while just listening.

On the other hand, I am a nerd. That too is an understatement.

Chalk and cheese. Night and day.

How did this happen you might ask? How did I not become the second biggest sports fan in Newfoundland? It's simple. Because of both my parents, Mom and Dad.

Yes I played sports as a kid. I played T-ball and Hockey and was in power skating. I wasn't bad, I just didn't have the passion for it. I could take or leave it, I didn't eat, sleep and breathe any sport that I was introduced to. I liked watching hockey on tv, I hated golf, that much I shared with Dad.

But as much as I was asked to try these things, I wasn't ever forced to keep doing something I didn't want to. Dad never demanded I like hockey, he never forced me to watch baseball if I didn't want to. He didn't pressure me to follow the same road he did or walk in his footsteps. I was allowed to find my own way.

Turns out my own way lead to reading and watching a lot of Sci-Fi and Fantasy and becoming first a Star Trek Fan. Then Doctor Who. Space 1999, Blake's 7, Blizzard Island, The Little Vampire, Heavy Metal, The Dark Crystal, The Never Ending Story and whole universes.

I can rattle off facts and figures about tv shows and movies and name episodes after seeing just five seconds and summarize a plot for whoever's listening. Get me going and tuck in, cause you're gonna be here a while.

Sound familiar?

Sports fan and nerd. Both passionate about their own things.

Maybe I'm not so different than my Dad after all.

Dear Cancer, Fuck You!

2020-11-14T19:24:00.003-03:30

This is going to be a longer post, and has been a long time coming.

Out of privacy concerns and respect, not a lot has been said publicly or on social media. Yesterday I got permission to post things, because it helps me get things out of my brain. I'm not making this post for pity or for sympathy, I just need to get things out of my head.

For the past few years, my father has been living with cancer. At first, from surgery and radiation, we thought he was cleared. But it came back. It's both invasive and aggressive.

I say living with because those are his words, he's living and as long as he's living, he's fighting.

We've all known that he's on a clock, but no one knows how much time is left on that clock. None of us are ready, no matter how much time, no matter how much you think you're prepared, there's no way to be ready. As a family that's our cross to bear.

Dad's very pragmatic, he's at peace with himself, he's at peace with this life and he's said that no matter how much time he has, be it 3 years or be it a day, he's led a rich and full life and has been loved more than he would have ever thought possible. He's the most amazing Dad, Husband, Brother, Uncle, Grandfather, Step Dad that anyone could ever know

He's been there for my all of my 42 years and I've tried my damndest to be there for him through all of this whenever he's needed me or whenever he's called.

But now the clock is speeding up it seems and I've watched as the strongest man I've ever known has been taken from us by inches. A man who has literally carried me on his shoulders, I've now had to carry. To hear the anger in his voice when he said "I used to run marathons, now I can't walk five feet." broke my heart.

He's in hospital now, and although the fire is still in the eyes and his fighting spirit is still there, we've all seen the mask slip and know how tired he's getting. And as a family we're all helpless because there's nothing that any of us can do.

As I posted earlier, my 42 years isn't enough time. His 68 years isn't enough time. There never will be enough time.

Dad I love you and I never want you to leave us, despite knowing that at some point you'll have to go.

2019-11-26T01:11:00.005-03:30

Hi Blogsphere, it’s me, Steve. Can we talk?

Fair warning, this is going to be a long post, so if you don’t want to read it, I understand.

Those of you who want to go down the rabbit hole, let’s get started.

Well it’s been a while since I talked about my health and fitness and this journey I’ve been on for the last three years. There’s a reason for that, I gave up, plain and simple as that. Now the reasons for my giving up are a little more involved than that.

Most of you reading this have seen my posts from this past year about how difficult things got with my former workplace and my working a varied and ridiculous set of shifts just to make it to my forty hours in any given week. But behind my simple posts about what was happening, was a deeper and more challenging story than I was telling.

I’ve worked nights for most of the last twenty years and my body has adjusted to that for the most part. Some of us work nights more easily than others. I developed a way to live a reverse day, I’d work midnight to eight, and then go to bed at about noon or so and get up again at about eight pm to start my night. It worked for the longest time.

Then my hours got cut and I was working only a four hour shift most nights from midnight to four am. Now what did I do at four am? What is there to do at four am in this city? Nothing that’s what. I’d go home and try to watch a movie or surf the net for a bit and pass out on my couch. I have the world's most awesome landlord but even he I don’t think would have been impressed by me doing life’s daily chores at five am.

So I slept, but usually for no more than two hours at a stretch. And some days I’d get home by four thirty only to have to be back at work for nine or ten am because I bumped someone out of a shift so I could make up hours. I gave up days off just to make up hours I went from March to June without a day off and that’s not an exaggeration. And that’s the pattern I fell into, work, sleep, work, sleep, work, work, work, sleep maybe, work, repeat.

My former employer will say that I did it to myself, that I didn’t have to pick up shifts, that I could have accepted the schedule I was given and somehow lived off of twenty four hours a week. I chose to want to work forty hours a week and it wasn’t their problem.

What I did have of a social life suffered or was eliminated almost completely. If it wasn’t for some early morning video chats with one of my very best friends, I wouldn’t have had any social contact outside of work from March to September.

Working seven days a week with no end in site and no sign of it ever changing in that work environment and being told by management that no, the shifts and hours are never being restored starts to take its toll mentally. First, hope goes away. Hope that things will improve gets crushed and when hope gets crushed, depression finds its way in. I started to get introspective as to why things were going this way and I got lost inside my own head. I started feeling helpless, and worthless and thinking maybe there was something I had done to have this happen and maybe, just maybe I deserved this. Then came acceptance that since I deserved this, this is how things had to be and there was no changing it. Sounds stupid and foolish right?

The biggest problem with getting lost in your own head is that despite wanting to fight the voices that are talking to you, they’re all your voice and it’s hard to ignore your own voice and what it’s saying to you, no matter how wrong it may be or how ridiculous it may sound if it was someone else saying it to you.

So I was stuck in a depressed funk. If I wasn’t in bed tossing and turning, I was curled up on my couch ignoring the world, or I was at work slowly being crushed under a schedule that was impossible to keep up. I did the Tely in July because I had promised myself that I would. I hadn’t prepped near enough for it and I paid the price on the course for it.

And in the midst of it all, I gave up. I stopped meal prepping. I stopped going to the gym. I stopped visiting my mom for breakfasts and weigh ins. I retreated more and more into myself. As a result, I’m almost back to square one.

At my best, I had getting under three hundred pounds in my sights. And now I’ve put back on just over sixty pounds. You read that right, I put back on sixty pounds just this year. Thankfully my blood pressure is still regulated and normal and I haven’t developed any other potentially long term issues.

But now is where I say NO MORE! The line must be drawn here and no further!

As of Monday, November 25th, I’m starting over.

The fog has finally lifted. I crawled out of my head and shook off the funk to see that I deserve better, that I can and will make things better. I’ve got a new job in what I’ve found is a far better place, a healthy work environment.

Now, I recently hurt my back and though it’s feeling better, I am taking things easy to start. Monday I did some specific stretches to help alleviate sciatica and I did some of a body weight exercise routine that I was given a long time ago by a good friend. It’s still hard as hell to do and still worth every ounce of sweat.

I am going back to the gym, but until my back feels one hundred percent, I will be taking it easy to start. Walks on the treadmill, workouts on the elliptical, until I feel strong enough to go back on the rowing machine and start using weights.

Meal prep has begun anew in earnest. I know what foods I like, I know what I can prepare and freeze in advance. I have all the tools at my fingertips to change my situation and I’m going to put them back to use. I changed my lifestyle over the last three years to be a healthier me and I’m not going to let this setback, and that’s what it was a setback, not a failure, stop me on my path to leading as happy and healthy a life as I possibly can.

I have new challenges ahead but I’m a stubborn and determined fucker and life isn’t going to get the best of me. Not by a longshot.

I said it before and I still mean it now, WeCanRebuildHim WeWillRebuildHim

2019-03-31T18:51:00.000-02:30

Now, for your viewing confusion, I present a list of things overheard this past weekend while at Sci-Fi On The Rock. There are no points of reference, no clarification and no explanation for anything said. It can all be taken Out of CONtext.

To quote a friend of mine; “Names have been kept the same to reflect the strange…”

Ooh, I felt that in my boob - kit

My finger won’t fit! - Erica

That’s what I do to babies - Dave

How deep do you want to go - Rainbow

After four marriages I know, stick your finger in it first - Mike

You’re always ready with that mouth - Kelli-Rae

Casual didler, I'm here for this - Kit

We know what a windsock was made from now. - Darnell

Don't foam all over my bed - Dave

Vaseline Dickholes - Gary, Drew, Dave, Darnell

He can take it in wherever he wants - Darnell

I got two in there already - Darnell

So now I've got to put my finger in the hole and squeeze and it still works - Alex

Right in the boobs, it's fantastic - Darnell

You should see when the dog’s in bed with us. - Darnell

I'm not sure what's going on but I'm here for it - Steve

Can I touch myself? - Erica

I'm just prewired - Adam

Keep that in your pants - Darren

Yeah, well you swallow, BITCH! - random con goer

With all these balls in my face, I'm gonna get bruises. - Laura (ryan)

Let's see, I wanna play with them? - Siobhan

You almost tripped over my bag, it's hanging low. - Jeff Keeping

Oh yeah, I'm still bendable from the waist down - Kit

I gotta unbutton it and root around in there - Darnell

I'm so juicy - Kit

Show me your wand meat fairy - Rebecca

Dave closed his eyes for it and everything - Drew

What can I say, nothing better than human soup in the morning - Adam

I was eating yogurt and he got my nipple - Dave

I don't need to experience that clean and jerk - Steve

I see the answer being fingered at me. - Glynn

Don't crust shame her - Dave

Her ass does not need fixing - Steve

My Weight Loss and Health Update

2018-09-13T18:12:00.000-02:30

Ok real talk here, so if you're tired of my health updates, I'm going to rehash a lot of ground in this update so you might want to skip this one.

Two years ago, I was ignorant of some pretty major things in my life. I was fat, huge, morbidly obese even and I was pretty unhealthy.

I've had a long history of knowing I was overweight, but I always found a way to reason it out. I could take stairs two at a time, I could move faster and more easily than a person my size should have been able to do, I didn't have any severe aches or pains, I had no trouble getting out of bed, or fitting into cars. I saw people daily who were bigger than me, so I wasn't bad off.

I ate shitty foods, I ate in huge amounts, it was a matter of pride that I could eat an average person's weight at a buffet. I picked up an order at Old Town Pizza one night and the counter girl saw the name on the order and said "You're Steve!" her voice filled with awe that I was real. Pretty sure I put the owners kids through college.

Then two things happened to change my world.

First, as I've talked about a lot, I was the victim of an armed robbery at my workplace. The depression, anxiety and panic attacks that caused, I still deal with today.

Second, while camping with friends shortly after the robbery, one of them snapped a picture of me sitting on a cooler. There I sat in a pair of shorts, shirtless, beer in hand oblivious to a lot going on around me. Then I was shown the picture. For the second time in a week, my world came crashing down.

I didn't see me, I saw a formless lump of flesh, a disgusting mess of a man if it could be called a man. That wasn't me, it couldn't be me. There was no way that was me. No. Nuh-uh no way, no how. But no matter how much I tried to deny it, I couldn't ignore the picture, the proof right in front of me that I was a mess. I was morbidly obese and now that I could see it, I couldn't unsee it.

Sadly and all too often, it takes a traumatic event in a person's life for them to see that changes need to be made. Yes, getting held up at gunpoint is traumatic and I had the help of a great doctor and months of therapy to get myself back on track.

I got lucky in one respect here, my epiphany didn't come after the heart attack or stroke I was headed for. The universe granted me time to change. So I did.

I decided right there and then, looking at that picture of that sad, fleshy mountain of a person, that I didn't want to stay that way. I wasn't going to be obese anymore. I was going to get myself healthy and I was going to live.

I started by seeing my doctor and getting my starting point. We checked my weight, we checked my blood pressure, we did bloodwork to check my cholesterol, liver function etc, and we got an EKG to check my heart because we didn't know how long my blood pressure was high. Thankfully there was no damage to my heart. We started me on medication to get my blood pressure under control right away.

Age: 37

Waist Size: 50"

Shirt Size: 4xl - 5xl

Weight: 400 lbs

Blood Pressure: 151 over 110 or worse

Cholesterol: LDL (bad) - 4.74 or High

Borderline Type 2 Diabetic

Armed with that information, I set out to change.

Would I get surgery? A gastric band or a bypass could be an option, but my personal thoughts on it were that I didn't want to do something that drastic or irreversible. I didn't want to learn to eat again with a new stomach. Yes the surgeries work for people and yes they can help achieve amazing results. I'm not discounting the successes people have had, but when I weighed it for myself I decided it wasn't for me.

I'm a stubborn sort so I knew if I set my mind to change, I could and would change. At the same time, I knew the weight wouldn't drop off overnight, it took me 38 years of bad habits to get where I was, it was going to take time to take the weight off.

The first thing I needed to do was fix my eating habits. I didn't want to go on a diet or a program or a plan. Through all my reading and research, diets can fail, people can slip and cheat and feel bad for failing, gain weight back and start the cycle all over again. I set out to totally change my lifestyle and my views on foods.

I turned to Canada's Food Guide and learned what proper portion sizes were and what from each food group should be included in every meal. Gone was the extra large, all meat pizza. Replaced with grilled chicken, rice and mixed veggies. I discovered I like broccoli, I like red, yellow and orange peppers. I cut added salt and sugar out of my food and drinks. I cut out soda and replaced it with just plain old water.

I didn't do it all overnight, I made maybe one change a week to what I was eating, getting used to new things and new ways of looking at meals. No more take out. Pack it in Pizza, bye bye Baconator.

But I didn't cut everything out, cravings happen but it's all about moderation and not going overboard anymore. If I want a bag of chips, I'll have a small bag of chips, not a family size bag from Costco. If I want a chocolate bar, I'll have a bar, not 3 for 5 bucks.

Then I got active. I started walking around my workplace, a full circuit of the building is 1 km, so I was doing that 4-5 times a shift. Then I started walking Bowring Park. 1 lap at first and then as many laps as I could. Now I use the treadmill in the fitness room at work. I started out walking and increasing my walking pace to work up a sweat. Now I can run 3k without stopping and I ran 5k for the first time this week.

Today I saw my doctor for a 2 year check up and we reviewed my blood pressure and blood work again.

Age: 39

Waist Size: 40"

Shirt Size: 2xl - 3xl

Weight: Almost down to 300 lbs

Blood Pressure: 116 over 80 (normal)

Cholesterol: LDL (bad) - 2.4 (ideal)

No longer at risk of Type 2 Diabetes

I don't ever want to go back to being 400 lbs, I'm losing weight and I'm doing it on my own terms. It's slow progress, but it's progress. I'm getting healthy, I'm getting in shape, I'm changing my future and I'm choosing to live.

I've made these changes for me, because I want to be the best me that I can be, for me. I'm not changing to make anyone else happy, I'm changing to make me happy with me.

Thank you everyone who have been following along and cheering me on, your love and support has been incredible and means more to me than I can say. As much as I've been trying to help me, all of your comments have helped me and encouraged me. Some have said I'm an inspiration, but you have inspired me just as much to keep going.

Day One

2018-07-26T07:58:00.000-02:30

This morning sucked.

The last two months sucked.

Let me explain.

For close on two years now, I've been on a mission to be active, eat healthy and lose weight. I've been doing well. From 398 lbs when I started, to 320 as of June 29th (July weigh in pending). Progress has been slow and steady, with only one plateau so far. Then mid May I hit a wall.

I got a flu and I mean a bad flu that wouldn't let go. It started in my throat and I lost my voice for a couple of days, then it moved to my chest and I couldn't breathe for a week until finally it settled in my sinuses for 2 more weeks. Once I shook that off, I started having pain in the left side of my back. I mean PAIN! The last time I'd felt pain that intense was 7 years ago when I had kidney stones.

I spent one morning at the Emergency Room hoping to get some answers, and they said it was just an infection with a possible helping of prostatitis for good measure. Scary but treatable, antibiotics for 10 days, the pain cleared up... until I stopped the medication, then the pain came back with a vengeance. I saw my Doctor and she booked a CT scan to check for kidney stones, which was my fear in the first place. Last week, ahead of the scan, I'm pretty sure I passed something. TMI I know, but I don't care, I've been up front and open on Facebook with all my weight loss ups and downs, and I'm not going to change that here on my blog. So yeah, one hurtful episode and I started to feel better.

With that recap, after two months of illness, this morning I felt well enough to go back to the fitness room at my work place and start in again on ye olde treadmill. When I left off, I was running 1 kilometre in about 9 minutes and I was up to running 3 kilometres without having to stop. This morning, I did one kilometre and was totally gassed, nothing left in the tank at all and I was pissed with myself. I was frustrated that I had to stop and I was upset at my time first, 10 minutes to run 1 kilometre, but looking back I didn't lose that much time. Then I was upset that my stamina is gone, but realistically I haven't done any running in two months, I had to lose some ground.

Then as reason took hold, my anger turned into determination. I will start again and I will improve and I will reach my goals. As that realisation dawned I heard an old quote in my head. There was a TV show called Fame, way back in the 1980s (yes I'm old) and in the opening, one of the characters says; "You've got big dreams. You want fame. Well, fame costs. And right here is where you start paying: in sweat."

This brings me back to the title of this post, Day One. Today is Day One of getting back on track. Toady is Day One of my road to fitness starting again. It's been a long road up to this point, but today is the new start.

Today is also Day One of my preparation. I've got a year roughly until the annual Telegram 10 Mile Road Race in 2019. That is one of my new goals and I will get there. I will run the Tely 10 and I will run it in a respectable time. Five days a week I will be using the fitness room at my work and I will run a little farther each day. I will run a little longer each day. I will run a little faster each day. A year from now, I will cross that finish line and I will have run 10 miles (16 kilometres)

Today is Day One.

I'm back.

Reset the clock.

Let's go!

Here comes the storm again.

2017-12-15T13:04:00.000-03:30

****Tap Tap... Tap Tap****

We're back to this again are we? All I asked for was a little light next to the microphone switch that's on when the microphone is on, and off when it's off. Is that really so hard to do? Look where, ahead? There's nothing there but a big lit up sign that says On The Air... wait... Dammit!

I received a letter today from the Committee Limiting Amoral and Unusual Science (C.L.A.U.S.) and they tell me they aren't happy with my Weather Machine™ They say it's an abomination and an affront to Mother Nature! Just goes to show the lengths she's going to in trying to stop me. She couldn't do it alone, and couldn't do it with Old Man Winter and Jack Frost helping so now she's trying to beat me with bureaucracy!

Anyway, C.L.A.U.S. now has an injunction against my research and are demanding that the Weather Machine™ be shut down until I can get a legal ruling on this. Sadly, I have to comply, at least until I find out which judge to brib... I mean make a campaign donation to.

That being said, Lab boys tell me that a weather event is inevitable once the Weather Machine™ is disabled. Possibly as early as tomorrow night. So this is your warning people! Get out there and plunder those gas stations! Pillage those grocery stores! Leave no Big Stick untouched!

On the night of any event, the Collection Bots™ will be out in force and I can't stress this enough people, do not resist or taunt the Collection Bots™, the last guy who did was pretty much just a red mist when they were done. So just hand over your loot n' plunder and get to safety or downtown, whichever comes first on your list of priorities.

The Brute Squad will also be out in force collecting some things for me and making sure the catering vans can still get through to stock up the Gotto with meat, cheese, wines and champagne. Nothing's too good for my girls.

Also, congratulations to our Security Employee of the Year, Joey Knuckles! He beat out some tough competition, literally! We locked all the security guys in a cage and let them fight it out. I'll send some fruit baskets to the widows... also, I'd like to announce that our security department is hiring!

So batten down the hatches, or if you don't have any hatches, build some and then batten them down. I'll be rooting for you all from the safety of The Bunker™ and don't worry, C.L.A.U.S. won't stop Science Controlling Radical Obvious Outdoor Geo-climate Eternally! Operation S.C.R.O.O.G.E!

We're done here.

5 years of Weathery Goodness

2017-11-28T18:08:00.000-03:30

**My gods, this broadcast room is a mess. Dust everywhere, is that a cobweb or a spiderweb? Does the cleaning service ever come in here when I'm away? Well there's still power in here anyway, I can see one blinking light on the board... dammit!**

**Tap Tap**

Ladies and Gentlesubjects, I'm back! Did you miss me? Hope you're all doing well, I'm still doing good. I've been away acquring new technology and recruits for the lab, and more importantly, the harem.

Speaking of the lab, I have a note from the Lab Boys. "Sir, there appears to be some residual particulate matter acting as percipitate in the atmosphere." Crimeny, can't you eggheads just say that it's snowing?! Stop using big words to try and justify your Phds!

Anyway, they tell me it's just the result of a routine flushing of the hydrothermal transtator to make sure the deuterium... um... science and technobabble... lollipop... stuff. Point is, the Weather Machine™ is still online but cutting in and out from a maintenance cycle. The whitecoats don't expect it to last long, but please be aware that the looting orders could come at any moment.

Also, today marks the 5 year anniversary of my founding of the Bunker™ and bringing Weather Machine 1.0™ online. To celebrate, I'll be spending 5 hours in the grotto with the girls while the Lab Boys put get 5 extra hours...of unpaid overtime. Gotta keep this place running after all.

We're done here.

For the future of Science!

2017-02-13T12:42:00.000-03:30

**Yes, yes I’m going to tell them now. No! I’m not changing my mind about this, it has to be done for the greater good! (echo: the greater good) Now cut that out! I swear if you eggheads spent as much time actually doing work around here as you do watching movies, I’d have a studio setup that worked flawlessly and this light would be reliable! What? It’s on? Dammit not again! **

Ladies, Gentlemen, future test subjects, we have a problem. I just finished reading the news stories about the census you all filled out for the government, and frankly, I’m disappointed. Our population is on the decline, more people are moving away than are being born. Do you have any idea what this means?! In 20 to 30 years, I’ll be out of fresh test subjects! Then where will we be? The wheels of Science will grind to a halt! Research into Sciencey stuff will be put on hold!

We can’t go back to animal testing, the bleeding hearts out there won’t let us put a gerbil in jeopardy, so we use voluntary human test subjects, and you’re putting all of that in danger!

So here’s what’s going to happen. I’m reversing the polarity of the neutron flow on the Weather Machine™! What was designed to keep weather at bay will now generate the biggest weather event you’ve ever seen! Get ready, because all safeguards and bets are off!

You might be asking; “Are you mad?” and “Why are you doing this?” The answers are; “Just a little bit” and “because it’s my civil and patriotic duty.” Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day, a celebration of romance and couples and little guys dressed in tutus, carrying crossbows… well maybe not that third one so much… point is, what better way to cause an increase in the population than by causing a situation where all those couples are forced to be trapped in their homes with nothing better to do but copulate?

So we’ve got one mother of a storm brewing and bearing down on the Atlantic region and by my calculations, that means in November we’ll have one hell of a population explosion to help reverse this problem of dropping numbers.

Get out to those grocery stores, gas stations and liquor stores while you can, and pay extra attention to the chocolate and greeting cards. The Collection Bots™ will be out in force but I don’t expect them to get much since you’ll all be inside mating like bunnies trapped in an underground warren.

We’re doing this for the future of Science, people. Now get busy getting busy!

We're done here!

A storm's a comin'

2017-01-20T11:32:00.000-03:30

What have you guys been doing? This place is a mess, where's the damn switch in here? You've all been throwing parties while I'm gone, but can't clean up? Peanut brittle, candycorn, panties, ... a traffic cone? Really? Where did that come from? Hey the light works now? Wait.. Dammit!

Ladies and Gentlemen, assorted test subjects, et at. It was first reported as an incident, then it was upgraded to situation, and now we're on the brink of having a full blown occurrence. We need to nip it in the bud before it becomes a circumstance.

I know you've been wondering where I've been, well I've been whippin... working hard with the Lab Boys to try and get the Weather Machine™ working at peak efficiency. I would have been here earlier except for that.

I'm happy to report that it's working perfectly, for a smouldering pile of rubble. It's doing that really well.

We got it up and running, and were fine tuning the new A.I. that's Artificial Intelligence to you lay folk, and that's when it all went south. Literally. It looked at the data of the impending weather event that's coming and abruptly turned off its stabilizer jets and plummeted the half mile from altitude to it's What have you guys been doing? This place is a mess, where's the damn switch in here? You've all been throwing parties while I'm gone, but can't clean up? Peanut brittle, candycorn, panties, ... a traffic cone? Really? Where did that come from? Hey the light works now? Wait.. Dammit!

Ladies and Gentlemen, assorted test subjects, et at. It was first reported as an incident, then it was upgraded to situation, and now we're on the brink of having a full blown occurrence. We need to nip it in the bud before it becomes a circumstance.

I know you've been wondering where I've been, well I've been whippin... working hard with the Lab Boys to try and get the Weather Machine™ working at peak efficiency. I would have been here earlier except for that.

I'm happy to report that it's working perfectly, for a smouldering pile of rubble. It's doing that really well.

We got it up and running, and were fine tuning the new A.I. that's Artificial Intelligence to you lay folk, and that's when it all went south. Literally. It looked at the data of the impending weather event that's coming and abruptly turned off its stabilizer jets and plummeted the half mile from altitude to it's demise.

After that I went out among the masses to see how things were going and I'm happy to report that pillaging had begun even without prompting from me at several grocery stores. That's good initiative people! I'm happy to have had a guiding hand in your training!

Thanks to the hard work I saw yesterday, if it continues, we might just get through this. By we, I of course mean you people. I'll be safe and sound in my geothermally powered and heated bunker.

Now remember, I know the pillaging is underway, so I will be deploying the Collection Bots™ at my earliest convenience to get my tribute. I need it now more than ever if I'm going to get the lab boys to rebuild the Weather Machine™.

Do not taunt the Collection Bots™! I know I say that every event, but some of you aren't getting the message. One hero tried to throw a hammer into oen of them last time, he was reduced to a steaming pile of goo that melded with the asphalt. Wouldn't be so bad if he'd just stop whining about it. Don't let that be you!

Let's see... pillaging, groceries, oh and gas stations, have to empty those too... in the likelihood of a loss of power, when the looting starts, my take of the plunder is still 70%... what's left... Oh right the Brute Squad™!

They won't be out among the bots tonight for three reasons;

a ) it's going to be really nasty outside and I'm not a boss without a heart.

2 ) They were originally sent out with the Collection Bots™ to protect them, but their on board weapons are good enough.

d ) Joey Knuckles and his team will be encouraging the lab team to get a new machine in order as quickly as possible. A little motivation always helps!

I know with a little hard work, we can all get through this together. All of you out in the storm and me relaxing in the harem in my grotto. I recently installed a hot spring and a steam bath in there and it needs to be tested out by me and the girls.

We're done here!

Personally Identified

2017-01-18T05:09:00.000-03:30

January 18th, 2017

Gather round one and all as I regale you with a textual re enactment of a strange little happening, once again at *hotel*

The cast for tonight’s dramatization are as follows;

The character of Steve (Me), played by yours truly
The character of Person One (P1), played by Random Person
The character of Person Two (P2), played by Other Random Person

Person one approaches the ATM, presumably to withdraw some funds. They insert their card and look perplexed as they read the screen.

P1: “It’s asking for my personal number, what’s that?”

P2: “Have you got numbers on your accounts?”

P1: “I dunno, what’s a personal number?”

P2: “What’s it asking?”

P1: “It wants a personal number. I know my PIN but what’s a personal number?”

Me: “PIN stands for Personal Identification Number, it’s asking for your PIN.”

P1 & P2: “Oh.”

Me: “....”

-FIN-

Boom go the Fireworks

2017-01-10T08:39:00.003-03:30

So CBC ran a story about a St. John's City councilor who is taking a stance on Fireworks, to show his constituents that he's doing something. But he also said the City's hands are tied when it comes to the use of Fireworks.

Now I'm just an average idiot with access to Google to search things out and it only took me about five minutes to find the City of St. John's By Laws. You think a City Councilor would be able to look these up as well....

City of St. John's

http://www.stjohns.ca/city-hall/about-city-hall/laws-and-regulations

ST. JOHN’S NOISE BY-LAW

3. No person shall emit or cause or permit the emission of sound resulting from an act listed herein, and which sound is clearly audible at a Point of Reception:

(3) The detonation of fireworks or explosive devices not used in construction, unless authorized by the Office of the Fire Commissioner and the St. John’s Regional Fire Department.

St. John's Open Air Fire Regulations.

2. In these regulations:
(b) "Open Air Fire" does not include any fire which is caused, set, lit or otherwise ignited in open air fireplaces, grills or barbecues on private property, but does include fireworks displays.

3. No person or persons shall cause, set, light or otherwise ignite an open air fire within the boundaries of the City without first applying for and obtaining a permit from the Chief of the St. John's Regional Fire Department.

While I had Google open, I decided to check the municipalities of the Metro Region.

City of Mount Pearl

http://mountpearl.ca/wp-content/uploads/2013/02/Noise-Regulations-2.pdf

2. Interpretations

In these Regulations unless the context otherwise requires
e) "Fireworks" means a combustible or explosive device for producing a striking display of light or a loud noise, use for signaling or as part of a celebration.

4. Peace and Tranquility

Notwithstanding Section 3, the following acts, among others, are hereby declared to be noises which disturb or tend to disturb the peace and tranquility of the City or any portion thereof:
h) the discharge of fireworks or explosive devises on any day with the exception of New Year's Eve, and Canada Day

5. Fireworks On New Year's Eve and Canada Day
No person shall discharge fireworks except:
a) between dusk on December 31 and 00:30am on January 1, more commonly known as New Year's Eve; and,
b) between dusk and 11:00 p.m. on Canada Day.

Town of Paradise

http://www.paradise.ca/en/town-hall/Noise-and-Nuisance.aspx

5. Noise Restrictions

a) No Person shall emit or cause or permit the emission of sound resulting from an act listed herein, and which sound is clearly audible at a Point of Reception, except as exempted in these Regulations:

iii) The detonation of fireworks or explosive devices not used in construction, unless authorized by the Enforcement Authority and subject to the approval of law enforcement or other regulatory agencies, with the exception of statutory holidays as declared for New Year's Eve and Canada Day.

Town of Conception Bay South

https://www.conceptionbaysouth.ca/getFileByName/007-Noise%20and%20Nuisance%20Regulations.pdf

Noise and Nuisance Regulations

7. Fireworks and Explosive Devices

(a) No person shall detonate fireworks or explosive devices, not used in construction, within the Town unless authorized by the Chief and subject to the approval of law enforcement or other regulatory agencies, with the exception of statutory holidays as declared for New Year's Eve and Canada Day.

Then there are the Newfoundland Provincial Regulations

http://www.assembly.nl.ca/legislation/sr/annualregs/2012/nr120045.htm

NEWFOUNDLAND AND LABRADOR
REGULATION 45/12

Fire Protection Services Regulations under the Fire Protection Services Act

PART IV
FIREWORKS

18. (1) A person shall not discharge aerial fireworks unless a permit from the fire commissioner is obtained authorizing the discharge or display.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Funny how all these regulations exist but people making petitions, politicians and the media can't seem to find them anywhere...

The problem isn't needing regulations then it seems, the problem is enforcing what's already in place. If only there was some kind of group or force in place for policing and maintaining public safety... Oh wait, there are two, the RNC and RCMP depending on jurisdiction.

So how about instead of people making online petitions and passive aggressive social media postings, they actually report violators to the proper authorities so they can be charged with breaking the law?

Weather Machine Blues

2016-12-12T10:01:00.000-03:30

*tap tap* *pfffft*

This thing on? What the hell happened to the little light we had? Well change the freakin' blub for cryin' out loud! What am I paying you for any way? I'm not? Yes I am. Oh, I'm on? ... Dammit!

Attention citizens of [insert city name] we've had a breach. The Bunker™ is fine, the problem is that the Weather Machine™ has been hacked and is out of commission.

I've been contacted by the leader of the Society Against Nasty Technological Aberrations (S.A.N.T.A.) and he tells me he's released an Extremely Limiting Viral Extermination Software (E.L.V.E.S.) into the Weather Machine™

S.A.N.T.A. and his E.L.V.E.S. have rendered it inert. We're working on a replacement but it's going to take time. While the lab boys are working on the new and improved hardware, I need to inform you all that well... we're screwed.

Of course by we, I mean you. I'll be safe and sound as always. There is a "Weather Event" moving in that has the potential to wreak havoc with things and you all need to be ready.

Now I know this is short notice, but I know you can all pull together and fill my coffers... I mean save yourselves... and fill my coffers.

Empty those grocery stores, drain those gas stations and get ready for potential loot n' plundering!

The Collectoin Bots™ will be out in force. S.A.N.T.A. couldn't mess with them, they're on radio waves, not the internet! HA! Take that! Remember, I can't stress this enough, do not taunt the Collection Bots™ just give them the loot.

So you've been warned and updated, my work here is done! Now to get to work on my plan to take down S.A.N.T.A.

It's Science Controlling Radical Obvious Outdoor Geo-climate Eternally! Operation S.C.R.O.O.G.E!

We're done here.

I'm back! Did you miss me?

2016-11-28T21:01:00.000-03:30

Friends, Romans, Test Subjects, lend me your ears.... Ow! Who threw that? What was... wait was that actually your ear? How did you? Detachable? That's equal parts gross and amazing... can it re-attach? Get the lab boys working on that! There's money to be made here I'm sure of it!

Now, on to more pressing business. I've been away for a while and left things in the, I thought, capable hands of various staff members. Now don't get me wrong, the lab is just as efficient as ever, the grotto is fantastic and the new training centre is coming along.

That being said, someone, Joey Knuckles I'm looking at you, decided to play with the Weather Machine™ controls. He said he tried to set it to "Tropical" but he actually dialed up "Tropical Rains." Why that's even a setting I don't know, but I'm having it removed. Also it seems the effective radius has been tightened up to just the Avalon area of the island.

Unfortunately this means maintenance is needed, and that means taking the Weather Machine™ offline. That's going to leave us vulnerable into the weekend and it looks like there's a doozy brewing... *do people still say doozy? Well they should! Wonderful word there.* *ahem*

Anyway, I know it's Monday but this gives you all time to prepare. Prepare my cut of your expected pillaging of grocery stores and gas stations, hell throw convenience stores on that list as well, that should be easy. See what I did there? Convenience, easy. These jokes write themselves really. HA!

Now I'll do my best to not throw too many of the lab boys into the lava pit so we can get this maintenance done and hopefully convert things to rain, but just in case, Paddy is getting the Collection Bots™ ready for their first outing. Remember, just give them your assorted loot n' plunder and get out of their way. Do not taunt the Collection Bots™.

Remember, we're all in this together, and by we, I mean you people. I'll be safe and sound here in the Bunker™ probably getting a massage. There's this new girl talking about a technique called a "Happy Ending" that I think I'm going to try.

Good luck, I know you'll all do your best to expand my coffers.

We're done here.

But What Does It Mean?

2016-09-25T17:26:00.000-02:30

Now, for your viewing confusion, I present a list of things overheard this past weekend while at Atlanti-CON. There are no points of reference, no clarification and no explanation for anything said. It can all be taken Out of CONtext.

To quote a friend of mine; “Names have been kept the same to reflect the strange…”

I don't eat cheap meat. - Kelli-Rae

All the meat I ever wanted- Jerry

You wearing clothes this time? - Jerry

The longer we drove her the better she got. - Jerry

And you've got a little window you can look out when you're naked - Fat Apollo

Everybody out I'm about to test the meat. - Jerry

I'll make the movie. - Darren

I almost spit it out. I almost did- Janet

I'm no longer traveling with 4 dudes. I'm going to find some girls. - Janet

Those body suits are pretty tight. - Gary

You don't push down you gotta push up. That's how it works. - Hamilton

Guy's. Starving woman. Candy. Ass. Fuck. - Janet

It was really fuzzy dude. - Gary

I don't want to offend anybody. But I like the gay. - Darren

I was good. I didn't say I had to disrobe my doll. - Katherine

Truth be told, knowing McCluskey I'd ask if it vibrates - Steve

Mine has multiple ports - Garry

You gotta give her a cookie and she'll dance to it - Hamilton

Yay! I was in a threesome. :-) - Katherine

It's supposed to moisturize and lubricate. - Angela

You just gave him head - Kevin

You done it so fast I didn't know what you done. - Darren

If the I could still get a boner you’d give me one. -Fat Apollo

$20 I'd feel your balls too. - Fat Apollo

I promise to stop touching your nipples if you will come. - Kelli-Rae

If you want food I'll eat it. - Janet

And I'm amazed I did that drunk - Steve

I hope your balls are nicely cushioned - Krista

I puff glitter - Kelli-Rae

Steve! Stop fisting the table! - Kelli-Rae

Stop rubbing your Apollo on me! - Kelli-Rae

Come on I need to get these pants on before anyone shows up - Katherine

Does this need to get tagged and where would you stick it. - Katherine

I took pictures with my nose - Katherine

You can touch it, it won't come off, but it's moist. - Erica

Run your finger up that for me - Jenna

Googly nipples that's great - Gary

Can you make yours move? - Darren

Gary take your steel out of my mouth - Hamilton

I was pushing trust me. - Katherine

I am a Victim update

2016-08-03T01:22:00.000-02:30

Mental Health is a serious, fragile and funny thing. A weird statement I know but it's how I can sum things up right now.

It's been just over two weeks since the robbery and I've had highs and lows. The morning after was an obvious right off, mostly for shock. I went back to work the night after the robbery because well, it's my job but also because if I tried to delay going back, the harder it would be to do. That night I was anxious of course but got through the night fine.

Wednesday of that week I had what I'm calling a panic attack while sitting in my Jeep.

After that I felt relatively normal and on the weekend got out of town with some of my best and most amazing friends. I had a mild freak out that Saturday night that they all helped me through.

Sunday night, one week after the event, I had a panic attack and couldn't catch my breath for hours, again I'm so grateful for having my closest friends with me.

Since then I've been at work, I've been feeling good, I've been sleeping good and generally haven't had any issues.

Until today. Today I got a call with an update on the robbery and how things are going. I'm not getting into details here, I can't. But after getting the news I had a full blown flashback to that night and relived the robbery again. That led to another panic attack.

I forced myself to get out of my apartment and be with friends for plans that we had made and I wasn't going to let them down. That pushed things back for the few hours I was with them but when I was on my way home, it continued and I started to shake and couldn't catch my breath again.

I know why it's happening, it's the robbery of course, but I want to know why it keeps happening. I want to know what is snapping me back, why my brain can't let go and what's stopping me from moving forward.

Up to this point, though I have the number for victim services, I haven't called it, not that I didn't think I needed it but because for the last week I've been seemingly doing so well.

I know I need help. I know I can't do this alone. I know that talking with friends isn't enough, I need a professional. First thing in the morning I am calling and talking with someone and getting the help I need,

Mental Health is a serious, fragile and funny thing and it needs to be assessed and addressed by a professional who is there to help and offer some explanation and understanding.

Thanks for reading.

I am a victim

2016-07-21T20:06:00.000-02:30

I never thought I'd type that title.

I've never been arrogant enough or foolish enough to believe that it would never happen to me. In my 37 years on this earth, I've worked a few jobs where it could have happened, pushing a Dickie Dee Ice Cream cart around Mount Pearl, working in a gas station, working in a little corner store. Never ever did it happen, and now it has.

This past Sunday while my coworker and I were working our overnight shift as normal, we were held up. I will not get into the details here, suffice to say that it happened very quickly, we complied with the robbers demands and no one was physically hurt.

But physical hurt is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to something like this. Once the shock wears off and the adrenaline subsides, you have to deal with the mental and emotional hurt that is left in their place.

I left work early for obvious reasons, I was ready to breakdown but me being the person I am, I cannot and will not do it in front of people. It's not fear of looking weak, it's not some macho bullshit about being a guy, I just feel very private when it comes to my emotions and I'd rather be in my apartment feeling safe, and alone, before I let myself go.

After a good cry and a not so good large helping of McDonald's, I felt better and the morning wore on. I read the news stories that got posted about the incident, made sure that family and friends knew I was alright and checked on my coworker. I don't know why, but that first morning I was famished and after the 4:00am McDonald's, I found myself at a pizza place when they opened and I downed a large pizza and small garlic fingers.

I was feeling full, and better by the minute, I thought the worst had passed.

Then I tried to go to sleep.

It was 1:00pm, not a bad time for an overnight worker to call it a day and go to sleep. I was finally tired, had a full (possibly overfull) belly, I was tucked comfortably in my bed, who could ask for more?

Then I closed my eyes.

Then I was back behind the desk.

Then he was running through the door with a weapon.

I opened my eyes and I was back in my bed, in my apartment and everything was fine and I was safe and sound in my bed. Everything was as it should be. but every time I closed my eyes, the robbery replayed in my head. My brain would not stop the virtual play by play playback like some deranged film technician put the events in a loop on permanent playback.

I got out of bed and curled up on my couch and put a movie on to try and drift off that way. Surely a movie will just make me drowsy at this point and I'll sleep. My eyes closed and the replay started again. At this point I realize I'm not getting any sleep at all so I continue to watch the movie (I forget what one at this point) and then my conscious mind starts to wander.

I have to work that upcoming night at midnight and I wasn't looking forward to it. I didn't want to go back to the scene right away, but we only have so many overnight staff and if I call in for my shift then whoever is working would most likely work alone and I didn't want that to happen. Or they'd call in my coworker who was with me when the robbery happened and I didn't want them to have to work right away again either.

I emailed my manager and explained my thoughts and how I was feeling and he replied that he couldn't tell me what to do but he'd understand if I didn't work my shift that night. Finally at about 5:00pm exhaustion took over and I slept until 9:00pm and it was dreamless, I think because my brain had no choice but to give up.

I got up, emailed my manager back that I would work and proceeded to get ready and psych myself up to go to work at midnight. The drive in that night was the most nervous I have ever felt. I had a knot in my stomach, I had the shakes and I was near tears the entire way across town.

But I did go to work and after settling back into my regular routine, it wasn't a bad night. I'm glad that I forced myself to go in. After that shift I had a week's vacation booked that was booked prior to this and if I'd put off going back for a week I might have been worse off than going back right away.

Tuesday morning I left work and I stayed up. I didn't want to sleep, I didn't want to close my eyes. I went through most of the day in a fog. I posted about what happened on my Facbook, to explain to friends what had happened and that no, I'm not okay and I know that and it will take time to be ok again but I will get there. The messages of support I got were amazing and touching and almost overwhelming, I was blown away. I love my friends and I'm so grateful to have such a support net around me.

Tuesday evening I just passed out again from exhaustion and I slept from about 9:30pm until 8:00am and it was an amazing sleep. It was the best sleep of the week and might be in the top ten of sleeps I've ever had.

I got up Wednesday morning and went to get an oil change done on my Jeep. The sun was shining, I was listening to some good music and I love to drive and it was a nice day to do just that. I got to the garage and had to wait a few minutes for my turn, and then it hit me.

Out of nowhere I start to shake. I got a huge knot in my gut and a lump in my throat. I was on the verge of crying again. A wave of panic and sadness hit me and knocked the wind out of me. Then I got more confused than upset at what was happening. I think the confusion pushed back whatever was happening to me because it passed quickly and I felt normal again.

I think it was a panic attack, from talking to friends and reading up on the subject, that may be what happened. I wanted to know why. I mean obviously I know the underlying reason is the robbery, but I want to know why I had that reaction when I did. I wasn't thinking of the robbery, I was enjoying a sunny day and some good music and all was seemingly right with the world. I can't for the life of me figure out what triggered it. I don't know and I probably won't know what it was.

Now it's Thursday evening and the day passed without any incident. I'm on vacation and going camping in the morning with some of my closest friends and some ice cold beverages of choice. Three days of that I think I think is just what any doctor would order.

No I haven't seen a professional yet, I've only talked about my experience with friends. I'm going to see how this weekend plays out and if any more incidents happen. If they do, then I'll be talking to my doctor first thing on Monday and see what she recommends or refers me to. I'll also be hearing from the police's victim services unit and I'll see who they recommend as well. I know I have options and I know I'm not alone and I will explore all avenues as needed.

If anything happens I'll update with another blog post. The reason I wrote this recap was to get my thoughts out of my head and to be able to read over them again later. If anything else happens, I'm writing it down too.

Advanced Warning For Once!

2016-03-03T13:40:00.000-03:30

*There! You see that. It's an "On Air" sign. Simple and effective, when it's off, I'm not broadcasting, when it's on, I'm live. Classic design, white background and red lettering. It all lights up nicely, see. Wait, it's been on this whole... dammit!*

My friends, you may have noticed a change in the weather here on the East Coast lately. I'd just like to say, you're welcome. Now I'm not saying we've won the war against Mother Nature and her cohort Jack Frost, but I will say that the Weather Machine 3.0™ has been a huge success.

How does it work you might ask? Well, lab boys tell me it's a lot like a slow cooker, cooking a pork roast until it's fork tender and falls apart. So succulent in the barbeque sauce... mmmm pulled pork... *Ahem* where was I... Right, slow cooker and the new Weather Machine 3.0™! They slowly ramped it up to change things without Mother Nature noticing. Snuck it past her. They say it's science, but I'm suspicious about the number of slow cooker acquisition forms I've seen... probably just my imagination.

Anyway, as much as I enjoy your unquestioning adoration for the technological and scientific marvels I produce and take credit for, we have to take it all offline this weekend. I asked why and one of the lab boys mumbled something about steak tips and ribs... anywho I'm sure it's scientific in nature and in no way has to do with food.

As such with these maintenance windows, there is the possibility of a weather event on Saturday, and I'm giving you ample notice, unlike that lab guy who got no notice of his termination before the trap door to the lava pit opened under his chair.

Now then, let's all prepare ourselves shall we? Of course by "we" I mean all of you. Raid those grocery stores, empty the shelves. Drain all the gas stations of their precious fuels. Also, make a damn fine showing depleting the stock in the liquor stores. I know it's a lot to ask, hoping Newfoundlanders and Labradorians to drink, but I have faith in me... I mean you. I mean me.

For those of you that will undoubtedly head downtown in the face of this weather event remember; more is less.

The more snow, the less you wear.

As always, the Collection Bots™ will be roaming the city, taking my cut of your Loot 'n Plundering. As well, Joey Knuckles and the brute squad, I mean my henchmen, I mean security forces, will be patrolling the streets to maintain order. My order for more loot!

Those of you that survive, congratulations. Those of you who don’t will be future test subjects in my reanimation projects.

We're done here.

A Postal Odyssey

2016-02-22T22:10:00.000-03:30

Thursday, February 18th, 2016

Went to my wonderful Community Mailbox this morning to find I couldn't get my mail. Two of the three keys don't fit the lock for some reason and the third key, although it fits, will not turn in the lock. No give at all, no wiggle, the lock is seized.

Opened a ticket with Canada Post, they advised that a fix could take till Tuesday.

Friday, February 19th, 2016

Update from Canada Post!

They resolved my trouble ticket. But instead of fixing my mailbox, they replaced the lock for my landlord's mailbox!

According to their computers, my mailbox is listed as Module 2, Compartment 16 (my landlord), when in fact since they put the gods damned things in, my mail has gone to Module 3, Compartment 1.

I have the envelope my keys came in that says Module 3, Compartment 1, I've gone to it every couple of days and taken out mail that has my name and address on it. Despite that, the guy on the phone tried to tell me I'm wrong.

The ticket has now been reopened (they closed it without updating me, despite the email saying I'd be contacted) and I might be able to get mail by next Wednesday now instead of Tuesday.

After getting off the phone with "Andrew" I got an email to update me and confirm the ticket was closed. So I called back and spoke with "Chris" who could see that what I had said on my first call was correct, I was using the right mailbox and that we'd need to get it fixed.

He put me on hold and then told me he'd need to transfer me to a local agent who could get this addressed and the lock changed. He transferred me to "Nancy" who saw the problem and said that for some reason in one system I'm in the right mailbox and in another I'm assigned to the wrong one. It was 7:00pm on Friday so no one could fix it then. But she'd call me on Monday.

Monday, February 22nd, 2016

Canada Post update.

No callback from "Nancy" at the local office.

So I called this morning to check on my ticket and was told their entire computer system was down and the call centre agent couldn't access anything. I've been in a call centre in that situation, so nothing against the agent. Then she says, call back after 5pm.

Now that's brilliant, call after 5pm when no one can possibly do anything for my issue cause everyone local has gone home. So I have to call tomorrow.

Second to that, I had a package delivered today and according to the tracking information, it's waiting for me in the Community Mailbox parcel locker.

So my package is secured and the key to the parcel locker is safe in my mailbox, that I have no access to because the key doesn't work.

The comedy of errors continues...

I think tomorrow that I'll just camp out in front of the mailbox waiting for the mail carrier so I can get my mail.

Also that package contains 2 batteries for my camera, so help me if they are ruined because of spending days in a sub zero mailbox, I'm holding Canada Post responsible for their replacement.