The Sun Will Rise

Fucking Perfect

2018-06-28T07:47:00.000-04:00

Why hello there. It has been awhile. I know I have been pretty bad at keeping this up to date. My life revolves around work and the gym. Rinse and repeat. That being said so much to talk about since my last post.

First things first. I am officially down 45.6 pounds since January 23rd. Starting to taper off a little bit but that is expected. I am to at least get to the nifty 50 by August 1. I have had so many nice compliments from family, friends and co-workers which has helped alot but I am a perfectionist and that leads me to the title of my blog: Fucking Perfect.

Even with losing just over 45 pounds, I am still hard on myself. It actually makes me kind of sad. Sure I am way more comfortable in my clothing. I have gained a tremendous amount of self esteem. However, there is still that woman who sees "fat" in the mirror. You have to understand that my low self esteem comes from two places: weight and cancer. So even though I have lost weight I still see a damaged person from surgeries. I have some underlying body issues that effect me all of the time. From the skin under my arms where they took lymph nodes out to the skin they left when they did my mastectomy. It frustrates me. Regardless of how much weight I have lost and the weight training I have done, I am still not 100% happy with my body. And lets face it I will never be. I might be at about 65% happy right now with it.

That is what our society has done to us women. This isn't meant to be a male bashing blog or anything but men do have it easier appearance wise. Think about all of the shit women have to worry about: hair, makeup, weight, shaving, clothing, etc. What do men worry about? Most of you wander around in the world with your nosehair sticking out, backhair waving in the wind, and belly fat and its accepted. Can you imagine if I didnt shave my legs for a week, had a mustache and remained the weight I was? You would call me a pig.

But that is how our society is. Women have to give a shit. We just have to. In a way it is a good thing. You have more confidence. You walk differently. You see your hard work paying off. On the other hand, it is exhausting. How many of you women with children do it I will never know. When people ask me what I have been up to I always say nothing--my life is work and the gym. Rinse and repeat. If I had kids, I probably would still be eating like shit because it just would have been easier.......and CHEAPER. Why is eating healthy so damn expensive? That is a great topic for another blog :)

I am not trying to be a Debbie Downer. I am aware what I have accomplished thus far is really good.

BTW if anyone knows of a physical trainer please message me on FB. I am looking for upper body training but I do have some limitations due to surgeries.

Hope everyone has a great weekend-

XOXO
B

"I Am Here"

2018-04-20T09:57:00.002-04:00

I want everyone to listen to this song. It means so much to me and is my anthem for the past 10 years of my life:

So yes I AM HERE. 10 years ago, this coming Monday, I was diagnosed with breast cancer at the age of 34. As most of you know my diagnosis came out of nowhere. After doing a self exam I found a lump. I was panicked and called my gynecologist. Fortunately, I immediately was able to get in and she referred me to a breast surgeon out in Lorain. She examined me, tried to exacerbate the lump(to no avail) and told me to come back in 3 months. I remember just wanting out of there and that clearly this was nothing. Little did I know I had basically a stick of dynamite in my breast.

Fast forward to 3 months later and she tells me the lump seems like its harder and grew. She is able to take a sample. I leave her office and about 3 days later I get a call at work that I need to be at the doctors office by the end of the day. I knew what it was and it wasnt going to be good. I had a meltdown at work. I drove with my then husband at the time to the doctors office. I remember very clearly to this day how she nonchalantly looked for my medical records on her desk. How she wouldnt even look at me and matter of factly told me, "So the test results came in and you have cancer".

Cue the teacher from the Peanuts because the rest that came out of her mouth was warbly nonsense. I am pretty sure I blacked out at that point.

In those ten years: I got cancer. Went though 4 months of chemo. I got divorced. Bought a new house. Got cancer again. Had my ovaries taken out. It was alot. One of the things that pushed me through my first diagnosis was the birth of my niece Ella. When she was born, I was having treatment and afterwards was able to hold her in my arms at the hospital. I remember feeling awful that day and looking like hell but you don't dwell on that crap when you are holding a brand new baby. It's perhaps why I feel very close to her because those days gave me light in a very dark point in my life. A crumbling marriage and a cancer diagnosis will make your mind do crazy things. I felt like I had nobody to talk to. Some family and friends avoided me. And its cool. It taught me alot about people. You really do learn who your true friends are.

So would I change anything? I dont think I would. Cancer taught me that I am stronger than I thought I was. You wonder to yourself constantly while going through a challenge like this in your life , "How am I going to get through this?" and you do. I have been told many times by people how I am such a strong person and while I appreciate the words I think anybody can do this. You would be amazed at what you can accomplish when you have no choice.

Yesterday I had a really nice moment at work. A co-worker of mine had her mother diagnosed with breast cancer late last year. Obviously she did not know what to do. Her mom had no other family other than her daughter(my co-worker). Se lived in a very rural area in southern Ohio so medical care where she was located was not the best. I was able to get a doctor name from a friend at the Cleveland Clinic. I also was kind of a sounding board for my co-worker and offering the best advice I could give both of them. Yesterday afternoon my co worker and her mom came into the office and her mom wanted to see me. I looked up from my desk and saw them. She introduced herself and said "I just wanted to thank you for all of the information and advice you gave us". I mean......what can you say? I was obviously not expecting that but it was so very nice. If the thing that comes from this whole thing is I helped one person then it was all worth it.

Below I am sharing earlier photos during those first few years of my journey:

Hope everyone has a great Friday!

XOXO-
B

"Rivers & Roads"

2018-04-06T06:05:00.002-04:00

If you dont know who Head and the Heart are you should watch and listen to the above video. Going to see them in June. Oh and their harmonies are amazing.

Anyways, I am down another 2.6 down for a total of 27.2 since January 23. I was pretty damn excited to see that on the scale this morning. I got to the gym 5 times this week which included another great kickboxing class last night. My lower back is still bothering me though. I am okay when I wake up but then during the day at work it tightens up and kills me. So by the time I get to the gym I am in pain. I thought losing weight would help but I dont feel it is so any advice other than going to see a chiropractor is greatly appreciated.

Last week Karyn Kim and I went to see Pink at the Q. This was my third time seeing her and she did not disappoint. I can not stress enough how great she is. What I love the most about Pink---is she really is a great role model. And not just for young girls but for women in general. I appreciate how honest she is and I appreciate her confidence. We all need to be more confident. I see women in their 30's, 40s and sometimes 50s with none. Women in bad relationships. You shouldnt be defined by a boyfriend, husband, girlfriend or wife. That goes for the guys too. You have to take care of yourself first. Love yourself and be at peace with yourself and then you can have a healthy relationship. That is one thing I love about Pink----she wont take anybody's bullshit.

I hope everyone has a great weekend!

XOXO
B-

"Try"

2018-03-23T07:38:00.001-04:00

Happy Friday everybody! I am down another 2 pounds this morning. I am officially down 22.2 pounds in 8 weeks. I was a little nervous getting on that scale this morning with going out on St Paddy's Day(even though I was watching points). However, I will take a two pound loss any day. We did another round of kickboxing last night at the Gemini Center and had even a bigger group. I altered my workout a bit since I have a janky lower back so some of the kicking motions really trigger it. That is one nice thing about the class is you can do at your own pace and change things up. I feel great this morning and not in pain which is nice

This coming week is a big one for us as one of my favorite singers is in town, Pink! We saw her twice on her last tour and were just blown away(this was my first time ever seeing her live). If you havent ever seen her, I am sorry. That's all I can say. She puts on amazing show. I am sure we will be snapping photos and taking video so be sure to keep an eye out on my Facebook for updates.

I wanted to share another great recipe with everyone: Baked Spaghetti Squash & Cheese. This is from Skinnytaste. I love her recipes. I did a Chicken Enchiladas recipe too from her and it was amazing as well. One thing I did add to the squash recipe was chicken sausage. It was VERY good. This could be served as an entree or a side. We did both. One night I served it as an entree and the next as a side with chicken.

Also this past weekend I decided to purchase season tickets from my beloved Cleveland Browns. Everyone has their team. I always root for my Cleveland teams but anyone who knows me knows I love my Browns(but hated them the past 20 years for the most part). With the recent moves they made by getting Jarvis Landry and Tyrod Taylor, I finally felt they have the right decision makers in place. I decided last Sunday to bit the bullet and buy them. And clearly those moves have changed others views as I heard this morning that Las Vegas has moved the Browns up in the odds of winning the Super Bowl. We are no longer at the bottom!

Hope everyone has a great weekend! Stay safe and warm!

XOXO-
B

"Eye of the Tiger"

2018-03-16T07:28:00.000-04:00

Another week and another 2.8 pounds lost. I am now officially over the 20 pound mark at 20.2 pounds lost in 7 weeks. I will have to say I was a little worried because we had a team happy hour this week an due to work travel I didnt get to the gym 5 days. However, I still kept on my plan and didnt go over my points. I am finding that is the key for me: DON'T GO OVER YOUR POINTS

Last night, Lisa, Kim and I did a kickboxing class at the Gemini Center which is our rec center in Fairview Park. I had done a class before years ago so I was somewhat familiar in what to expect. It is an hour class on Thursdays for anybody who is interested you can look at the program here: Kickboxing Classes

I will say it was a great workout. So much so I wanted to puke halfway through. I am pretty sure this was due to me not being in shape plus not having too many calories consumed for the day. We did everything from punching to kicking to squats to using bands(feel the burn!). I do have to be careful because I have a tricky lower right back which has a tendency to give out on me and when it does I am like a turtle on my back. However, what is nice about the class is its at your own pace and you can kind of adjust. Jessica, who runs the class, is super nice and works with you. What is extra nice about the class is you can get a little aggression out on the punch bag. One thing I do want to mention is if you would like to do the class, bring your own gloves. You can buy weight lifting gloves and they are very inexpensive. Otherwise, we were just wrapping towels around our hands.

Hope everyone has a great weekend and an awesome St Paddy's Day!

XOXO
B-

"Another One..or almost three... Bites the Dust"

2018-03-09T06:11:00.003-05:00

Another week down another 2.8 pounds lost. I am now down 17.4 pounds since January 23.

So I have been asked how I am doing this and if I had some tips. The main two things I can tell you if you are going to take this challenge on is to meal plan and get your ass moving. If you don't do these two things, you will not last long. For example, on Wednesday or Thursday I start meal planning for the next week. We do most of our grocery shopping on Saturday and/or Sunday. I make my menu for dinners and then I buy from that list. And make sure you HAVE a list. Do not go into the store all willy nilly. You will buy crap you do not need or should not eat.

That being said Pinterest should be your go to for meal planning. If you dont have the app, get it. Make a board for Weight Watchers or Healthy Eating. Pin those recipes to your boards. I can tell you almost all of the stuff I have made is from there. Two other great resources for recipes which tell you the point totals for Weight Watchers are Hungry Girl and Skinny Taste

What I have found in my journey thus far is you have to find substitutes for the food you love. If you like rice, make cauliflower rice. I know it sounds weird but its fantastic. If you like tortilla chips, get the baked Tostitos. They no longer taste like wallpaper paste and are a great option. With so many fantastic salsas out there you can have a crunchy snack for low points. If you love a great hamburger, get the Butterball frozen turkey burgers. They are really good and only 3 points.

Hope every has a great weekend! Stay warm!
-B

"One Day At A Time"

2018-03-02T13:01:00.000-05:00

Today was weigh in day. Well every Friday is. I got on the dreaded scale and what did my eyes see? A 4.4 pound weight loss since last Friday. I am officially down 14.6 pounds since January 23rd! I have a long ways to go, however, I will very excited to see those results. So what did I do differently this week? The only thing I really changed was I went to the gym one extra day. Did it pay off? Maybe. However, the notion that I am going to get to the gym 6 days a week isn't very realistic.

I am not making excuses here but its just sometimes my schedule wont allow it. I WILL get to the gym no less than 4 days. I love that now my mentality is feeling guilty about taking one day off at the gym. You have to have that mentality or you will fall off of the wagon. It is so easy to do that: "Well I am tired and I just dont feel like it" or "I will skip today and go tomorrow". Look--30-40 minutes out of your entire day is, in the grand scheme of things, not a big deal. Granted I dont have kids so I do have the luxury of having that extra time. One of the activities I am super excited about is kickboxing classes. Lisa and I will be taking those starting March 15th at our local rec center every Thursday. It will be a nice change of pace from walking around a track.

One of the things I also wanted to share on this blog is some of the recipes I have come across and wanted to post the ones we have tried and really enjoyed. I also wanted to post products both good and bad so if you are out there looking for some options you have them. The first one we both really enjoyed is below:

Curry Asaparagus and Caulifower Rice

This was super easy and very low on points. I added grilled chicken to ours but it would be fantastic with shrimp as well. One thing I have found out is Pinterest should be your best friend if you are trying to lose weight. There are so many great options out there. Yes you will spend more money. Yes it will take more time but trust me in the long run it is way worth it.

I will post more and more of these recipes as I get them. Also, another way to follow my journey is via Instagram . You will have to request to follow me because I dont want any creepers looking at my stuff. You know who you are :)

Hope everyone has a great weekend! Stay warm!

XOXO-B-

"Barra's Got a Big 'Ol Butt"

2018-02-28T08:09:00.000-05:00

Do you guys remember that song?

Anyways, the blog is back baby. I found a new challenge to deal with that is not cancer related. Speaking of which, can you guys believe it will be 10 years in April since my first diagnosis? Time flies when you are having fun. Back to the topic at hand--my blog now will focus on my weight loss journey which began on January 23, 2018. And the title is staying: The Sun Will Rise. I got that from a Kelly Clarkson song which motivated me through my second cancer diagnosis.

So why did I decide to take better care of myself and go on this journey? It all started back in August of 2017 when I went to see my oncologist and my blood pressure was running high. I wasnt suprised. It always runs higher there as I am pretty sure I have PTSD from that place. There is a smell in there that most people wouldnt even recognize but I do. My doctor wanted me to go see a primary care physician to get it looked at. Being the stubborn fool I am, flash forward to December 2017 and I went to get a filling. Again blood pressure was running high. Of course I passed this off as it was high due to being at the dentist. About 2-3 weeks later it was a weekend and we were supposed to go out with Kim for the day. I felt really weird. Heart was beating fast, nauseous, kind of dizzy. Just did not feel right. We cancelled our plans with Kim and I basically took it easy rest of the weekend. That Monday I made an appointment to see Dr Tully from the Cleveland Clinic who was a recommendation from Maggie.

Form that point on I knew I had to do something. I was eating like crap and not exercising for awhile. Anyone who knows me knows I am active. I played sports my entire life as a kid. I simply got lazy. My friend Anne posted how she joined Weight Watchers that weekend on so I asked her some questions. There is one thing I know about me is when I am on a plan I will stick with it almost to a fault. So I joined weight watchers that weekend, got my food for the week and started actively counting everything starting on January 23. I went to my appointment about a week later and yes my blood pressure was high: 152/102.

No bueno. I explained I literally just went on Weight Watchers and was already down a few pounds that week. They put me on Lisinopril and wanted me to come back in 2 weeks to get it checked again. They figured with the medication and lifestyle change I should see a difference. I went back 2 weeks later and my last blood pressure reading was 126/87. Much improvement! I felt 100000000000% better. It was like night and day difference. I was sleeping better also. Everything I was doing was/is working and to date I am down 10.4 pounds. My weigh in days are Fridays so hopefully this Friday I will see some more loss.

So what will this blog be about? It will be about my journey. My struggles, tips, recipes and my wins. I think this not only helps me out but it might help one of you out if you are struggling. Look, lets face it, being a woman is never easy. And it's even harder when you are in your 40's and trying to lose weight. But I will be literally taking this one day at a time. It is all about the choices you make and I need to make better ones

XOXO
B-

Tubthumping

2016-06-21T13:54:00.002-04:00

I know. You are probably like Tubthumping? What the hell is that? These lyrics just keep going through my brain since Sunday night:

I get knocked down, but I get up again
You are never gonna keep me down

You may have heard the Cleveland Cavaliers won the 2016 NBA Championship. I am still in shock over it. Down 3-1 to the Golden State Warriors, the Cavs made history. They came back and won it all. THEY WON IT ALL. I can not believe I am writing those words. I sit here staring at my screen because I still do not know how to process all of this. I am almost 43 years old. In 43 years, I have never seen a Cleveland championship. FORTY THREE YEARS! I am not going to go into details about all of the heartache we have endured as Cleveland sports fans. You know it like the back of your hand. However, when you really think about it, it is just so sad that it took this long.

This is why anyone under the age of 30 will never understand. They will never truly GET it. I look at all of the people celebrating downtown Sunday night, many of them young, and I think:

"Do you appreciate what just happened?"

A life long Clevelander, I love my city. I love my sports teams. This girl is no bandwagoner. Browns. Indians. Cavs. That's in my blood. I was always taught that's who you root for. Rooting for another city's team, I am looking at you STEELER "fan", is a no no. There is one thing that Cleveland sports has taught me: It's never easy, but it's what makes us tough. Look, I get it. It's not easy rooting for the Browns. Basically 16+ years of junk football. That doesn't mean I go and root for Pittsburgh. It doesn't mean you root for Green Bay. That's the easy thing to do. That's the cowardly way out. What are you teaching your kids? You should be teaching them: Life is never easy. You dont just give up. You stick with your team. You root for the Cavs, Browns and Indians. Or you don't root at all.

Going into Game 7 I was a ball of nerves. All day. I could not focus. I had this part of me that wanted to be downtown. I had this other part of me that kept thinking, "Remember in 1997 when you were at your brothers apartment and you watched the Indians lose the World Series?". To this day, that was the toughest Cleveland loss ever. It was painful. It took me weeks to get over. So I didnt want to have to go through the disappointment again. That's the Cleveland fan in you. Always thinking the worst. I couldn't fathom being downtown and going through that let down. Even with a 4 point lead with 10 seconds to go Sunday night, I kept thinking , "How are we going to screw this up?".

When the clock hit zero, I didn't know what to do with myself. It's like I blacked out for a moment. I started crying. Brian started crying. Is this real? Is this a dream? Did that just happen? Oh it happened.

Enjoy this Cleveland. Relish in the moment. Do not take this for granted. To every person out there, I truly mean this. Drink every drop of that champagne. You never know when it will happen again.

I love you Cleveland-
-B

"Further"

2016-02-24T17:46:00.000-05:00

Gosh I haven't blogged in so long I almost forgot I even still had this. Life has been crazy and quite honestly the last thing I feel like doing after an almost 12 hour work day is turn on a computer.

I started thinking about why I originally started this blog in the first place and it was because I needed a place to put my thoughts, my anger, my sadness and happiness all in once place. When I was diagnosed again with breast cancer in 2012, I just had to put my thoughts down. I look back at those posts and I can see how angry, frustrated and sad I was. And I look where I am now, and I am just so removed from those days. That's why I titled this blog "Further" and had to , of course, post the video of one of my favorite singers Griffin House's song "Further". Plus, I mean, who doesnt want to stare at him :)

I never thought there would be a day in my life that I didnt think about cancer. It took my life over. I couldnt stop thinking about it. I was pissed off at the world. And who could blame me, quite honestly. Those that told me not to dwell on it or I should move on with my life were right to a certain degree. However, until you have cancer you cant tell how people how they should react or feel. You have to go through pain, the anger and the sadness in your own way. And if that means being pissed off at the world, so be it. Is it healthy to react that way? Absolutely not. But everyone deals with things differently. I had to go through the process. I am an emotional person. I take things personally. And I took getting cancer, not once but twice, as the ultimate slap in the face.

These days I don't really think about cancer and my previous situations. And when people find out what I have been through they cant believe it. I look at it this way: It happened. I got through it. It made me a stronger person. It helped me realize what a strong person I actually am and how I can deal with anything that is put in my way. No obstacle stands a chance against my strength, my determination and my sense of humor. Because let's be honest here: You have to have a sense of humor to be able to withstand the bullshit that cancer brings into your life.

I wish I could find more time to blog but honestly it wont be about cancer anymore. I am no longer in that mindspace so I feel the words are just empty. I will, however, be happy to give you my opinions on such topics as The Duggar's, Donald Trump, midgets and creepy dolls......

XOXO
B-

"Wild Horses"

2015-02-25T13:16:00.000-05:00

It has been a long time since I have written anything. And sadly, this blog won't be an easy one for me to write.

I have been pretty damn lucky in my 41 years on this planet to only have to deal with death of an immediate family member and/or close friend 5 times. Both of my dad's parents, my mom's sister & mother and now her father. My grandfather: Walter E. Young.

Grandpa was 95 when he died on February 17th. The last time I saw him was right after Christmas on December 27th. I came down with some sort of flu bug and had been feeling terrible off and on for a few weeks. That morning I was feeling REALLY bad and nauseous. I almost didn't go. But I thought to myself, "If something happens to him and I didn't go I am going to feel terrible". We made the almost 3 hour trek down to Barnesville. I really thought I was going to vomit in the car. Once we arrived into town, we had some time to kill before we went to the assisted living facility. My parents wanted to stop at the antique mall and then grab some lunch. Needless to say, I stayed in the car. Around 1:00, we made it over to the facility to see my grandpa. As we entered the room, he looked weak and was watching tv. He looked at us and it took a moment for him to realize who we were. It was nice to know even in his failing health, he could recognize us. Some, much younger than him, have had their memories ripped away from Alzheimers or dementia.

The first thing he said to us is that: "They are trying to kill me in here" while pointing at his drink. He kept repeating this over and over. When someone is that old, you are not sure if its just that they are delirious or are they really trying to kill him. And if they are......WHO is trying to kill him? :) We sat and tried to have a conversation with him. His hearing now was really bad. The worst I had ever seen. And although he couldn't hear you, he definitely wanted you to hear him. As he was talking to me, he was looking above my head. He stopped mid sentence and said "Do you see that smoke?". Of course there was no smoke but I thought maybe the ceiling light was playing tricks on is failing eyes. I started walking toward the light switch and he yelled at me, "DO NOT SHUT THAT LIGHT OFF!". In my 41 years, I can't remember my grandpa yelling at me.

Looking back at it, I am sure the light was some sort of comfort to him. Leaving the light on meant to him he was still alive. Of course I left the light on for him because I was not about to face the wrath of a 95 year old man. A few minutes after that one of the nurses came in and we mentioned to her that multiple times he mentioned someone was trying to kill him while pointing at his drink. She looked up at us and started laughing. She explained he was watching the news the previous week and there had been a story about a salmonella outbreak in caramel apples so now he thinks anything with sugar in it is going to kill him. Yup that was my grandpa.

I could go on and on and tell you so many great stories. But the ones I love the best are the basic ones. When he would take my brother and I fishing to the "boarding school". Which by the way, to this day, I am not even sure what the hell that was. Was it for bad kids? Was it for smart kids? All I know is there was a lake behind it and we went there to fish. I would grab my cane pole and bobber and big, fat earthworm to put on the hook. Most girls and some boys hated worms. I didn't. I would find them after a rain storm struggling to make it across the sidewalk and I would "save" them. Saving them meant throwing them in the grass where they belonged. Ironically, I didn't care that I was stabbing them to death with a sharp hook to try and catch a bluegill. Some love to cast a fishing rod far out. Not me. I was smart. I would put my cane pole right in the water about one foot from the shore line and catch fish all day long. It was honest, it was pure, and it was something I will never forget.

If you are wondering why I called this blog "Wild Horses", well, there is something you need to know about my grandfather. He owned and trained harness horses for 65 years. He stopped racing in his early 90's. Yup you read that right.

There is one thing that stuck out in my mind when the pastor was talking at the service. He said the following:

"You don't start living when you find out you are dying."

And that is so true. My grandfather lived every single day for 95 years.

I will miss you Grandpa. Thank you for all of the memories.

XOXO-
Barra

"Where Everybody Knows Your Name"

2014-09-02T14:02:00.000-04:00

4 years ago, March of 2014 to be exact, I finalized my divorce and needed to find a place to live. The search was on. I first focused my search on condos. I looked everywhere: North Olmsted, Westlake, Rocky River, etc. I found the majority of them run down, outdated and quite frankly just basically like an apartment. I did finally find one I liked in Bay Landings in Westlake. But there was one problem, well according to my dad, : It was all electric. He was adamant that buying that condo would be a huge mistake because the electric bills alone would be crazy. Plus the HOA fee was something like $300 a month. Once I did the math, I decided a condo wasn’t for me. Also, the resale value on a condo sucks quite frankly.

I went back to my realtor and said, “Lets look at some homes in Fairview Park”. I knew the area because I grew up there from a baby until I was 4 and spent the rest of my life until college in North Olmsted. My agent took me to multiple houses. The first one, I wont forget, was on West 227. It was a cute house until I noticed the neighbor had some crazy anti-abortion sign right in their front yard. “Cross that one off of the list”, I told my agent. She then told me about a “cute” house on West 214. We drove over to it and I fell in love with it right away. What really sold me on it was the long back yard. Although you are close to your neighbors on the side, at least the neighbors behind you were far away. What I also loved was how well maintained the street was. You could tell people gave a shit about what their property looked like(well for the most part). If you went 10 streets over, it was a totally different story.

So I was sold. It took some negotiating but it was mine. All mine. I bought a house on my own. It was a massive adjustment at first. Coming from living in North Ridgeville for 10 years, it was so refreshing to have neighbors come up to you and introduce themselves. In North Ridgeville, we didn’t know any of our neighbors and we lived on a cul-de-sac! People kept to themselves. I always thought that was so weird and creepy. I came from living on a street in North Olmsted where everyone knew everyone. In Ridgeville, it was like my marriage: lost and confusing.

I am really not even sure how Gunselmans came into my life. About the time of our first block party, in the summer of 2010, Lisa and Eric just bought the bar. At this point I still didn’t really know anybody. I do remember the first block party and walking towards the Zellmers. I knew of Eric because we had mutual high school friends. Lisa I did not know but she approached me and shook my hand. There is one thing about Lisa that everyone can agree on who meets her: She makes you feel very welcomed and you feel like you have known her forever. And little did I know, how much we had in common and I am proud to call her my friend. The girl would do anything for you.

Christmas Eve 2010 was the worst for me. It was my first since my divorce. Having done the same thing Christmas Eve for 15 years and now you are sitting alone with your cats was depressing. I just wanted to get through the friggin’ holiday and be done with it. I remember sitting in the dark with the candles on, watching some crappy Christmas movie and just crying. My parents stopped by after church wondering if I was okay considering I was sitting in the dark. LOL. The following Christmas I told Lisa about my pity party from the previous year and she said to me “You need to make your own traditions. Come up to the bar. We close it to the public.”. So I did. And I had a blast. It was Lisa’s family, some food & drinks. I kept this tradition going the next 2 years. I don’t think Lisa knows how much that meant to me and how much then that bar meant to me personally. At dark times in your life you don’t forget who was there for you and who got you out of that hole.

Gunselmans, to me, meant more than a bar. It meant friends. It meant relationships. It meant going every Sunday and watching the Browns lose but cheering them on with the same people. It meant watching the parade from the best seat in the house for Summer Fest. It meant dressing up as the Cat Lady on Halloween and Lisa’s sister thinking I was dressed up as a Pussy Magnet. It meant going to the Christmas party and Brian drinking too much Christmas Ale and putting on Lisa’s sweater. I could go on and on and on but this blog would be 5 million words.

That being said, I want to thank Lisa & Eric Zellmer for giving everyone who went to Gunselmans a great time. It truly was a place where everybody knew your name---good & bad.

For the new owners, you have a lot to live up to. My only word of advice is: Don’t try and make it something it is not.

Cheers-
BT

"Ol' 55"

2014-07-16T13:46:00.000-04:00

The first time I heard Sarah McLachlan was in early 1995. A movie came out called, “Boys On the Side” starring Drew Barrymore and Whoopi Goldberg. I bought the soundtrack and there was this song on there called, “Ol’ 55” , which was a Tom Waits song. It was covered by a singer named Sarah McLachlan who recorded it in 1994 for her album called, “The Freedom Sessions”. I remember hearing it and thinking, “Who the hell is this??”. Below is the actual recording of that version. They recorded it in the studio all together in one take with “a lot of wine” according to the liner notes………and that is what ended up on the soundtrack(Notice: Sarah is about 26 in this video!):

From that point I was hooked. The next cd I purchased was “Fumbling Towards Ecstasy”. To this day that cd remains the best cd I have ever owned. Always a music fan, this cd hit me like no other. I was hooked. I became a “Fumbler”. I didn’t get to see Sarah live until 1997. A new tour was put together called, Lilith Fair: Women in Music. At that point, her new album “Surfacing” was just being released so most people did not know who she was. About half way through the tour they did. Songs like “Building A Mystery”, “Sweet Surrender”, “Adia”, and “Angel” made Sarah a household name. I admit—I was happy for her but I also knew that my little musical find was about to blow up big time. Lilith Fair had 3 consecutive and successful runs. Artists from the unknown including the Dixie Chicks & Christina Aguilera to Indigo Girls to Sinead O’Connor to Sheryl Crow—just to name a few. Lilith Fair was probably my most favorite time ever as a concert goer.

I have lost track of how many times I have seen her live but I knew one thing was for certain: At some point I had to meet her. As you may know, my life changed on April 23, 2008 when I was first diagnosed with breast cancer. When I started chemo in July of 2008, I always went alone. I brought my ipod with me to those long & grueling sessions. Sometimes the sessions would last 6 hours. If you know anything about me, you know that music next to sports is one of my biggest passions. I have a weird thing when I am down and depressed I like to list to music that I can relate to. If I am pissed, I want to listen to pissed off music. If I am sad, I want to listen to sad music. I don’t know why but maybe it’s because the artist can relate to me. And Sarah’s music does that for me. Going through that in 2008 and then going into 2010, I knew my marriage was ending. Sarah’s next cd in 2010 was “Laws of Illusion”. If you have been through a divorce or going through one, you need to listen to that cd. Sarah and her ex-husband were at the time of it’s recording and it is painfully obvious. One of my favorite lines from that album is from a song called, “Illuions of this Bliss":

Oh I know I shouldn't stay
I should be on my way
Back to a place I know is real
But the lines are getting blurred
My conscience wont be heard
Awash in the illusion of this bliss

Fast forward to 2012 when I was diagnosed with breast cancer a second time. Sarah was coming to Toledo on June 27, 2012. I went to the show solo and met my friend Andy who drove in from New York. My mastectomy was a few weeks away so I just wanted to get away from it all and get myself wrapped up into something else. That something else was another Sarah McLachlan concert. I decided after that show I needed to do a bucket list and #1 on that list was going to somehow meet Sarah. I wasn't exactly sure how I was going to go about doing this but the next tour this was going to be my number one priority. For some people meeting a celebrity is no big deal. And I have to admit-my concern was, "What if I meet her and she turns out not to be the person I envisioned she would be". I will say I had heard mutiple times that Sarah was nothing but friendly, approachable and endearing to everyone she came across so my fingers were crossed that the same would happen when I met her. I mean we are all humans. We all go through struggles and are entitled to bad days.

When I heard her newest cd, "Shine On", was going to be released in May 2014 I was beyond thrilled. Tour dates were released with the closest one being in Toledo again. This was totally fine with me as I went to school at the University of Toledo and could kill two birds with one stone: hang out with my college friends one night and next night go and see Sarah live. But how the hell am I going to meet her? Well, just my luck they offered VIP Tickets where you donated to her "Sarah McLachlan School of Music" charity and you received front row seats as well as a meet & greet. DONE.

The week of the concert I started getting really nervous. What the hell am I going to say? What if I freeze? I wrote a paragraph down on a piece of paper and put it in my wallet just to be safe. The day of the concert was excruciating for me. My anxiety was at an all time high. I couldnt eat and only had water all day. I was so nervous I was getting nauseous. We headed to the zoo about 5:30 to go pick up our passes & tickets at Will Call. It was then I started to relax. I met a fellow Sarah fan who I spoke with on Twitter named Randi and I think that helped ease my nerves. Around 6:30, they let us into the facility and we headed over to the merchandise tent to meet with Sarah's team member named Mark. Mark arrived around 7:00 and I knew already we are going to be pressed for time(show was to start about 7:30). They took us to a building behind the stage that fortunately had AC on as I was sweating my ass off. We all stood in line waiting for Sarah's arrival(about 50 people?).........and enter she did:

So first thoughts when I saw her? Damn she is skinny! And just a natural beauty. The line started moving and I knew I wasnt going to have alot of time. As I approached her she gave me a hug:

I explained to her why I was there very quickly. I was diagnosed twice with cancer in the past 6 years and decided to do a bucketlist and you were #1. I gave her the note because I knew she was limited on time. She told me that she was so happy I was doing well. I told her "This means more to me then you will ever know".....then we took some more pictures:

I turned to her after the last picture and said, "Thank you thank you"....and I got another hug. We left the building to wait for eveyrone else and I think I was just in heaven. I was so beyond happy I can't even express it. To meet someone who you have looked up to for 20 + years be as classy, nice and beautiful not only on the outside but the inside? I couldnt have asked for more. Sure I wish I had some more time but I got out what I wanted to say and have ZERO regrets. I would do it again in a heartbeat. Here I am right after:

Oh and the concert? Well we had front row for that and per usual she blew me away. My friend Andy, who sat 20 rows directly behind us, gave me one of his good cameras and I ended up taking over 200 pictures. Whoops. Below is one of them from early in the set:

Thank you Sarah for being so nice and for helping me get through some really shitty times in my life. Your music saved me more ways then you will ever know.

XOXO-
B

"Heavenly Day"

2014-04-23T07:51:00.000-04:00

Amazing song above by the way.......

It was a Sunday night in October of 2003 and I was doing a self-exam on my breasts at home. The self-exam was branded in my brain by my mom who lost a sister to breast cancer at a young age. I remember feeling it. It felt like a pebble or the size of a pea in my right breast. And it was close to the skin at about the 4:00 position. I panicked. I yelled down to my ex-husband, “Something is wrong. I feel something in there”. He felt it too. He was calm, which was his demeanor all of the time and of course I was panicking. It didn’t hurt. But I knew this might not be good. That next morning I called my OB and went in right away. She then referred me to a breast surgeon.

I was in the surgeons office(who shall remain nameless) who did the exam and was told I had a cyst in my right breast. The doctor had a difficult time aspirating the “cyst” and decided that it was nothing and I should come back in 6 months. Fortunately, I went back. This time the cyst was aspirated. Not thinking it was anything, I left the doctor’s office with a clear mind and not a care in the world. 3 days later? I get a phone call at work around lunchtime and these words come out:

“Dr ____________ needs to see you today in her office”

I hung up the phone and immediately texted my then husband.

• “She wants to see me today. I know its cancer”
• “You don’t know that. Think positive”
• “Why the hell would she need to see me today. Doctors aren’t going to bring you all the way to a doctors office to tell you good news”

I remember having a breakdown. I remember going into our conference room with Joanna and just losing it. I knew it was bad. I just knew it. I am even tearing up writing this because it still brings me right back to that time of my life when all things just simply changed.

I remember going to her office. It was late because we both worked and we didn’t get there until around 5:00. Nobody was in the office except the surgeon. We walked into her office and I remember this clearly about how messy her desk was. Papers everywhere. We sat down and she looked for my file.

“It’s here somewhere”

Proceeds to look. I am thinking to myself, “You have to be fucking kidding me”.

“Oh here it is……..yes you have cancer………blah blah blah blah blah blah”

I mean I just blanked out. Maybe blacked out. I don’t really know. You hear stories all of the time when people get diagnosed and then the rest of the info the doctor is telling you just literally goes in one ear and out of the other. Well, it is true. At that point she decided she was going to schedule a lumpectomy, where they simply remove the tumor. The surgery was scheduled but she also wanted me to have a MRI. Not thinking anything of it I went for the MRI. Now let me tell you something a breast MRI is possibly the worst thing I have ever endured. To be put on your stomach with your arms raise up for a half an hour and put into a basically a tomb is completely awful. You can’t move. If you move, you ruin the MRI and have to go through it all again. I got about 25 minutes in and started panicking.

“When are you going to be done? I need out of here!”
“Just a few more minutes Ms Terrigno”

When that thing shut off, I literally flew out of there. I can’t believe in this day and age of technology we can’t come up with a better device. It is ridiculous. A few days later, with my surgery scheduled in a few days, I get yet ANOTHER call at work for the MRI results. This time it’s the surgeon calling me:

“Hi Mrs Terrigno. We have your results in and we found some other areas we are concerned with so we are cancelling the lumpectomy and we are going to now have to do a core biopsy”

This is all over the phone, in my cubicle, at work. Again, I have another breakdown and I leave work. I can’t believe this. How did this go from being a cyst to my worst nightmare? I had the core biopsy done and it confirmed another area of cancer which was at the 8:00 position but back farther. It was at this point I decided to switch doctors and went to Dr. Robert Shenk at University Hospitals. There was no way in hell I was allowing this woman to operate on me. She would never return my phone calls when I would call asking a question. Her demeanor sucked. And I couldn’t get it out of my head how unsupportive she was when she told me I had cancer. Maybe she was used to telling women their worst nitghmare but there was zero compassion.

Switching doctors for me was a massive blessing in disguise. From Dr Shenk to Dr Soltanian, my plastic surgeon, to Dr Silverman, my oncologist, I can’t praise them enough. Although Dr Shenk, is all business, he is the best of the best at UH. I can’t count how many times when I was at UH and asked who my surgeon was the reply back to me was :

“You have the best. He’s amazing”

And same goes for Dr. Soltanian and Dr. Silverman. Just amazing doctors who always had your back. Also, my survivorship RN Marla Sustin. I can’t tell you how awesome she has been for me. Anything I need, I can email or call her and she always gets back to me.

As well all know the story didn’t stop there. I was diagnosed again on the left side in 2012. It was a very early cancer which was contained within the ducts but I decided at that time to just be done with it and do the mastectomy & reconstruction with the same doctors. No chemo this time but I went on Lupron for a year then had my ovaries out in December of 2013 since I was high risk for ovarian cancer.

For everyone who stuck by me, I want to thank you. For those that listened to me cry & bitch(especially the girls at The Gathering Place), I want to thank you. For those that treated me like crap, ignored me, avoided me, etc during those times, I don’t forget. You learn a lot about people in your darkest days. You learn who true friends are and who are too selfish to put their big girl/boy boots on and not make it about THEM. I learned little things like a hug can make your crappiest day a lot better. I learned not to tell people to “just deal with it” when they are angry. I learned it’s okay to be pissed off at the world because it isn’t fair that anyone has to go through this. And lastly, I learned that you do need to live every day like it is your last one. If you want to go meet Sarah McLachlan, you go and meet Sarah McLachlan. I am.

Peace & love……peace & love

B-

"Don't Let Me Down Easy"

2014-04-14T14:07:00.002-04:00

I know I have been bad with the blogging lately. I just have been bogged down at work and then ended up getting sick which lasted about two weeks. So much so during the Kim Richey show at the Beachland Ballroom, I didn't think I was going to make it through her set. But I powered through it and saw an awesome show. And as you will see in the above video for one of my favorite songs by her "Don't Let Me Down Easy" she is amazing.

So this blog is just going to be random babbling since that is about where my brain is lately

☻ Sleeping: I have been having a hard time lately and struggling with insomnia. At first, I thought it was from the Mucinex I was taking, which I am sure didn't help my cause. However, now that I have been off of that for a week, I am still having a hard time. So klonopin has been my saving grace right now. I am thinking this is stemming from the menopause from the ovaries being removed. It sucks though. To be so tired you can not fall asleep can make you crazy or crazier in my case.

☻ Love: No complaints here! Everything is going great between Brian and I. I know thats cheesey and hokey. I hate people like that. But it's true. We are going to be moving in together in the next month or so which is very exciting. I am more just worried about where we are going to put everything so I might need another garage sale

☻ Browns: I am very excited about what the front office is doing. I was a little hesitant on the whole Alex Mack negotiation but when all was said and done I feel both sides got a great deal. As far as who they should pick with that #4 pick in the upcoming draft? I still say Sammy Watkins. I know we need a franchise QB but I am not sold on anyone that high. Watkins is a no brainer there. I just have this feeling though that the Browns are going to surprise us and take someone we aren't expecting.

☻ Sarah McLachlan: Well I did it. I am finally going to get a chance to meet her. On July 13, 2014 Brian and I are sitting in the front row at Toledo Zoo Amphitheatre and then we are going to do a meet and greet with her(or maybe it is before the show I am not exactly sure yet). Being a fan for 20 years, it has always been a dream of mine to meet her and just simply tell her how much her music has helped me get through some horrible points in my life. You know like the cancer shit and a divorce. I always have been a believer that music can pull you out of your darkest days and her music has done that for me so many times.

☻ Health: I am doing very well health wise. On April 23rd, it will be my SIX year anniversary from my first diagnosis. A girl never forgets that diagnosis date. Ever. So I plan on celebrating that day. I can not believe it has been 6 years. It will be 2 years next month since my second diagnosis. However, I am going to stick with the April 23rd date the rest of my time on this planet as that is the date that changed my life forever.

Hope everyone is well!

XOXO-
B

"Friday I'm In Love"

2014-02-07T11:51:00.000-05:00

So is everyone staying warm? Miserable isn't it? I am not sure which is worse: the snow or the cold? All I know is I am ready for spring. I am over stressing out about driving to and from work, shoveling/snowblowing, and my gas bill. Speaking of which, the next one should have me eating ramen noodles for the next few months. I keep saying I plan on moving down south eventually and I see that as I get older. It is just too hard to maintain your driveway, sidewalks, etc as you get older. Not to mention simply driving and/or walking in this stuff. South Carolina is looking better and better year after year.

So this blog is just going to be random shit that is going on in my brain right now like for instance: The Cavaliers.....

What the hell is Dan Gilbert doing? Look, I totally get firing Chris Grant because you do not want him making any desperate moves before the trade deadline to save his job. However, are you really going to sit there with a straight face and say the following:

"We’re going to see Mike Brown succeed this year,'' said Gilbert, in spite of the fact that Brown's team takes a 16-33 record into Friday night's game at Washington. "I think he will be able to do good things in the next 30 games or so. I think this team is going to be able to do good things. They’re going to look at each other, look in the mirror, and they’re going to rally. We’re going to do everything we can to give them the air cover they need."

So wait a minute you fire the guy who brought those players in, but you dont hold the players accountable for anything? And some how you think they are going to start playing well all because Chris Grant is gone?

Here would have been my press conference:

"I spend too much damn money to have you fools make me and the city of Cleveland look like a bunch of idiots. We will not stand for this. We will not stand for players not trying. We will not stand for coaches not demanding the best from our players. I take full responsiblity for this mess since I hired all of you to be my employee. So you ALL better shape the hell up or you can get the hell out!"

I would then drop the microphone and do the moonwalk......................

Onto another topic at hand, the Olympics. I can't believe these morons thought having this in Russia was a good idea. Have you seen the tweets of journalists in the hotels? Hilarious. I would be scared to even be over there. How is anyone concentrating on their performance? About the only thing Russia is good for is vodka(and not that Kamchatka crap which is named after a peninsula in Russia but is made in friggin' Kentucky. And look, I am 1/2 Russian and you couldn't pay me to go over to that crap hole. They are killing dogs for no reason! I did come across this super cute article on Buzzfeed to combat the dog killing!

Switching gears to myself, healthwise everything is going very well. I healed up nicely from surgery. I go back to my onco nurse in March for a check up. However, other than that all is well. I have not had too many side effects so far from the surgery and she said I would notice the worst of it 2-3 weeks after surgery. So knock on wood, I have dealt with the worst of it(and it hasnt been that bad). I think the best thing is I knew what to expect with the hot flashes and insomnia since going through it twice with chemo and then the Lupron shot. Right now I am just trying to get back into the swing of thing with working out.

My personal life has been great. As most of you know, Brian and I started dating last June and I could not be more happier. The kitties are doing well and they turn 6 in April. April is also my 6 year anniversary since being diagnosed with breast cancer the first time. My life was so different back then and it is amazing how much better it is now. I still can not believe it has been 6 years but I am so glad I am here able to type that!

Hope everyone has a great weekend....stay warm!

XOXO
B-

"What's New Pussycat?"

2014-01-13T15:10:00.001-05:00

Is the Browns coaching search giving you a headache like it is for me? I am still baffled at the Chud firing. In some ways I get it based on the rumors of WHY he was fired (e.g. starting Weeden over Hoyer, not cutting Greg "Stonehands" Little). However, how the hell do Mike Lombardi and Joe Banner get away clean as a whistle? After all, they are responsible for the roster. I never liked the hiring of these two dolts in the first place and they are proving me right. I think Chud got a raw deal. Was he perfect? Absolutely not. But Jimmy Haslam did what typical corporate America does: Fires the wrong dude and lets the inmates run the asylum. He is always talking about "getting it right". Well Jimmy you better hope you get it right this time. You have set a very dangerous prescedent with the firing of Chud after one season. So much so, I do not know who the hell in their right mind would be willing to take this job even with the cap room and draft picks available. I know I would be looking over my shoulder all of the time. And to be micro managed by Larry and Curly would drive me crazy.

My Christmas was very nice. I had surgery to remove my ovaries on December 19th. Overall, it went very well. It took me about 5 days to feel more like myself. The bloating was just a killer. Since it is done laparoscopically, they put air in your abdomen. This was neither fun nor funny. I couldnt even get jeans on until Christmas Eve and even that was uncomfortable. I had 3 small stitches from the surgery and those have healed nicely. I feel pretty good all things considered. My side effects right now are some hot flashes, insomnia, and some mood swings. I am trying to deal with these the best way I can. Don't forget this is my second time through this crap. I had the same side effects with the Lupron so I at least know what to expect. It is just difficult at times for me to keep a happy face on. So if I seem grumpy or moody please cut me some slack. Just remember if you are female and reading this, you will be going through this same very thing sooner or later. So dont judge!

And no I am not upset about my ovaries being out thus resulting in me not being able to conceive naturally. I am completely at peace with my decision. Look, I have had cancer TWICE. It would be completely foolish of me, IN MY OPINION, to put myself at risk for a third cancer diagnosis. So please do not feel bad for me. I am seriously so happy with my life right now. I have a great boyfriend and I have two furry kids. I can not ask more than that. So remember not everyone has to have children to be considered a complete individual. Sometimes shit happens out of our control. Sometimes it's a persons personal choice. Whatever the case is, respect it. Don't judge.

Peace and love....peace and love

B-

"Where'd You Go"?

2013-12-11T12:39:00.002-05:00

Long time no see everyone. Sorry I have been so MIA lately with this blog. I promise I will be better in the new year. So what is going on in the life of Barra lately? Well let’s see………

As far as my health goes, everything is going well. I had my last Lupron shot on October 3rd. And now will have my ovaries removed on December 19th. Since I have had breast cancer twice at such a young age, I am higher risk for ovarian cancer. This is more of a preventative measure. Many people have asked me how I feel about the surgery considering it completely ends any chance of me having my own children naturally. Last week I was sitting at the gym working on crunches and I stopped to think about it. How final it is. How it means there are no children in my future. It made me cry. But I do not regret my decision. My reality is I am 40. A pregnancy right now would be deemed very high risk anyways for a “normal” 40 year old let alone someone who has had the health issues I have had.

It is something that I have come to terms with—not having kids. I know I joke around a lot that kids are a pain in the ass and very expensive. And well…they are. My only concern is me getting to the age of 50 and having regrets of not having them. But then I think to myself even IF I wanted one right this second, how would I even do it? I can’t afford any of the options and that is the sad reality. I remember one time during our counseling sessions, my ex husband said something to me, “Maybe if we would have had kids things would be different”. That always bothered me that he made that comment. As if having kids would have changed the issues we were having in the first place? Hell no. All I kept thinking to myself was, “Thank god we didn’t have them because I don’t know how I would have done it living on my own and one income”. Hell I don’t know how any of you do it with two incomes. I know I probably would be living with my parents right now for sure. And right now I am battling medical bills again from the ultrasound. I swear I can never get or will get out of this debt. And the sad thing is: I HAVE INSURANCE.

All that being said, I am very fortunate to have a great niece and nephew. So if they are my alternative to children I will gladly take it. They say things happen for a reason. I am not sure what the reasoning is as to why my path was to get cancer twice, go through a divorce and never have kids. But maybe it just wasn’t supposed to happen for me just….because. Maybe there isnt a reason. Maybe its just sheer shitty luck?

That’s ok. I have a great guy in my life now. I am happier than I ever been. It is nice to be with someone who wants to have fun, likes to hang out with me, shares similar interests, and I guess just lets me be me, even when I am crazy yelling at the tv watching the Browns. I can not predict the future nor do I want to but lets just say I am happy where things are and see a great road together. For that alone, I hit the jackpot.

"Realize"

2013-09-17T19:58:00.000-04:00

Sometimes things are in front of you face the entire time but you are too blind to see it. It may be because you have your attention turned to other aspects in your life. In my case it was my health. I had to put myself first and I couldn't mentally be there for someone when I was battling my fears, frustrations and my low self esteem. When you come to terms with those issues, the clouds part, the rainbows come out, and the birds sing. Ok no they really don't but you get my drift. You FINALLY realize what you have.

So what do I have? I am sure many of you could or have put two and two together. Brian and I have decided to start dating. It seems like a no brainer to me now but before it just was not possible for various reasons. After a brutal support group one night in June, I walked out of there thinking I am fortunate to be on this planet alive. What the fuck am I doing? I cried the whole way home. The stories I heard that night hit me so very hard. Women who were probably going to die soon. We did, in fact, lose one of our members not too long after that meeting which even made me think harder about my life and what was missing from it. Here I am. I beat cancer not once but twice. So I decided right then and there, I need to take a chance and see if Brian would be interested in trying to date.

Brian and I have always had a connection. I trust very few people in my life. I know I can always count on him. One of the things I completely love about him is his kindness and his courtesy. It may seem small but one morning after I made us breakfast, he went and cleaned the dishes. Listen up men: You need to take notes. Our time together is always fun. We laugh alot. And he treats me with nothing but respect. He is always willing to do things. We have alot in common and did I mention we laugh alot? Oh and Sam completely loves him(Bug is just a weirdo and hides from everyone).

I am so happy at where we are. Where it will lead I do not know but I am glad I finally woke up and took a chance. You only have one life on this planet. When you are too worried about what everyone else is thinking, time flies by and before you know it, you are alone. I dont want to be alone. I want to be loved. I want to grow old with someone.

Next week I turn 40. Yes 40. I feel good about it though. I am feeling healthy, working out 4-5 days a week, taking on a new side job working with Social Media for Gunselman's, which I am hoping will transpire into a second career (Blog on that to follow soon!), and now I have Brian in my life. I am blessed. Truly blessed.

If there is one thing I would tell you all that are reading this is you should never settle. You shouldn't be in a relationship you are unhappy in. You shouldn't keep people(friends, family, etc) around in your life that do not give you the same return on investment that you give them. Life is too short. Life can be over in a second. Don't live your life thinking "I should have done that" or "I wish I would have tried that". You need to put yourself first. You need to put your happiness first. You need to do what you need to do.

I know I have not been blogging as much but I do not like to write to fill space. I only write when I truly have something to say or I am passionate about an issue. Well finally I have something to be passionate about. :)

XOXO-
B

Kiss my ass Roger Goodell

2013-08-08T13:36:00.001-04:00

So I am going to veer off course a bit and vent about this new NFL rule that the geniuses at the No Fun League(AKA NFL) have decided to come up with. NO PURSES.

This is of course supposed to keep us safer in all NFL stadiums in light of the Boston marathon bombing. I am not going to make light of that situation. We all know it was horrible. But to now tell women they have the option of shoving all of their shit into their pockets or in some shitty ass clear bag is ridiculous. Mind you the NFL sells these lovely novelties at their Pro Shop online for a mere $10. Aint it perrrrty?

Oh but wait it gets better. Based on the guidelines, if you DO bring a purse in, it can be no bigger than 4.5 inches by 6.5. Are you ready for this one? Below is a picture of my hand next to my Browns bag that I own. Now granted I have big hands, but this bag is deemed TOO LARGE to bring into the stadium(its 6 inches wide by 8 inches high!)

So picture it: your keys, ID, tampons, phone, & money all on display for everyone to see. Roger Goodell must not give two shits about the safety of his female fans. Where is one going to put this sweet, clear bag when they stand up to cheer their team on? Oh wait this is the Browns we are talking about. We get in trouble when we stand at games. And who are we kidding? There hasn't been anything to cheer about since 1985. But seriously, if I am at the game and I happen to get up to cheer with the bag left on my chair or on the ground, whos to say people arent eyeing my stuff? I always bring a purse to games that I can carry across my body. Nothing big--nothing huge. But I feel safer knowing my purse is attached to me. Mark my word, you are going to hear about many women getting their shit stolen because of this new rule.

Are we REALLY safer with not allowing women to bring purses in? The MLB doesnt do it(yet), the NBA doesnt do it(yet), you can go to Cedar Point with thousands and thousands of people with a purse, you can fly on an airplane with a purse after screening. What was wrong with having bags checked like we have for years and years to enter the stadium? Are your security people really that incompetent?

Does the NFL think they can completely just be blatantly sexist? Arent the people getting in trouble for this sort of behavior almost all men. Can someone name me the most recent female bomber in the United States? Thats not to say, by any means, it could never happen but how are you going to sit there and tell my purse is a far bigger threat then the drunken idiots you allow into your gates every Sunday? Or the NFL players that continue to get into trouble for domestic violence, drugs and even murder? Seems to me you may want to spend more time screening your players than worrying about little ol' me and my Coach purse. Am I REALLY going to believe that Jimmy Haslams wife is going to be carrying around a clear plastic purse inside First Energy Stadium? Bitch please.

Well I gotta go---I have to get back to the kitchen, do some laundry, and keep my mouth shut----right Roger?

"Sand & Water"

2013-07-19T10:24:00.001-04:00

I dont know how anybody listens to "Sand & Water" and doesnt cry. The song is about the singer/songwriter, Beth Nielsen Chapman's, loss of her husband, Ernest, to cancer. I remember hearing this song when my aunt died of breast cancer and it just has always stuck with me. Beth is a also a breast cancer survivor.

Wednesday I went to a memorial service for a friend who passed away from breast cancer on July 7th. Sharon was a woman who I met at the Gathering Place at my Young Women with Breast Cancer support group. Sharon was from England and I always admired her spunk. She told you like it was. No bullshit. No nonsense. Just honest. It made me laugh how she would swear in her accent but she did it in a way that was so nice. I was saddened to hear the news of her passing. Shocked actually.

Sitting in the memorial Wednesday, I looked at her family. Her daughter is 4 and her son is 6. I watched them. And I thought, "They are just too young to be living without their mother". As the pictures of her family scrolled on the screen, I watched intently. What I learned from those pictures was how much love she had for her family. How she lived every day like it would be her last. Sharons diagnosis was not good. She knew this. So she made the most out of her last days on this earth. I admire that in her.

Listening to David give a eulogy on Sharon was beautiful. The love these two shared was obvious. But it was also heartbreaking to hear. It makes you think about your life. What would people say about me if I died? Would people have positive things to say about me? Did I do enough in this world to warrant respect?

Below is a poem by David Harkins that was read at the service. I have never heard it before but I thought it was just simply beautiful:

She Is Gone

You can shed tears that she is gone
or you can smile because she has lived.

You can close your eyes and pray that she will come back
or you can open your eyes and see all she has left.

Your heart can be empty because you can't see her
or you can be full of the love you shared.

You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.

You can remember her and only that she's gone
or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.

You can cry and close your mind,
be empty and turn your back

or you can do what she would want:
smile, open your eyes, love and go on.

I hope everyone has a great weekend. Be safe, enjoy your friends & family and do so with a smile on your face.

XOXO
B

"Feeling Good"

2013-07-08T12:55:00.003-04:00

Hope everyone had a great 4th of July. Mine was super busy and fantastic. It started off on Wednesday. I had 2 doctor appointments that day. My first one was with Dr Zanotti who is now my new OBGYN. This is where the guys should be warned:

This is where I talk about girly things so either bypass this paragraph or keep on reading I wanted to discuss with her my options of either a hysterectomy(removing all of my girly parts) or an oophorectomy(removal of just the ovaries). The reason is because breast cancer is linked to ovarian cancer. My doctor explained to me that while she would do a hyserectomy on me, there was no link between uterine cancer and breast cancer. Also, one of the possible things that can happen to you if you have a hyserectomy is that your bladder can drop. Ummm excuse me? That being said I am opting for the oophorectomy which will be December 19th. It is a relatively easy surgery. I will be taking off December 19th until January 2nd though. I figure that gives me more than enough time for recovery.

My second appointment was immmediately after with Marla who is my onco nurse. Good news is I am 6 pounds down in a month plus blood pressure was down. At first I was a little upset, I felt for sure it was more. But to be fair, I had not weighed myself since April so it very well could be more. I did not change my diet and exercise habits until June 1. That being said I was still happy with my progress. I also had my second to last shot. My last shot will be October 3rd and no more are needed since I will be having my ovaries removed. I have been asked am I okay with that considering that means I will never be able to have children and truthfully I am. Look, kids apparently were never in my cards. I am almost 40 and have dealt with more health issues in my 39 years than many people who are twice my age. I am lucky to be even typing this blog. I am fortunate to have a great niece and nephew. What more can I ask for?

Speaking of my nephew, I took him for his "Fun Day" on Friday. We got the Cleveland Natural History Museum as there is a shark exhibit there and my nephew really is interested in sharks(thanks to me and my brothers fascination with the best movie ever.. "Jaws").

He enjoyed the exhibit and really liked the live animals that they have outside(everything from a fox, bobcat, bald eagle, etc). Which there was a funny conversation in the animal exhibit. We were walking around and there was a cutout of a bison behind us:

Aidan: "Oh my god I thought that was real!"

Me: "Good thing its not. I run slow!"

Aidan: "You do? I run slower than Jason Giambi!"

I dont know where this kid comes up with this stuff but it cracked me up. And Indians fans will understand that dialogue! After that I took him to Paninis for lunch where he scarfed down some cheesey bacon fries and some pizza. This is when he told me he was saving room for dessert as Friendlys was on our way back home. We stopped at Friendlys and the kid polished off about 75% of a 3 scoop ice cream sundae. All in all it was a great day and alot of fun. I really cherish moments like this as the kids are growing up so fast!

I hope everyone had a fantastic 4th. Life is great!

XOXO-
B

"Fat Bottomed Girls"

2013-06-28T08:46:00.001-04:00

I am feeling good. Really good. Changing my lifestyle was a blessing. Look I am an emotional eater. And seeing that my life was basically hell the past 5 years, I always turned to food to comfort me. Add onto that chemo, steroids, Lupron and not moving your ass you gain weight. I finally just got sick of it and decided I needed to do something. And I refuse to do something that is going to cost me money, like Weight Watchers. I dont think you should have to pay someone to tell you that you need to change your diet. I know it works for alot of people. But I just think that you cant rely on something like that forever. Is it a great starting point? Sure. But lifetime member? I dont think so.

So one day I decided---how am I going to change this? What are my weaknesses? #1 weakeness...Carbs.

I looked at what I was eating at home and at work. I knew what needed to be changed. I had to remove all of these as much as possible from both places since this is where I spend 90% of my time. I replaced them with proteins. I replaced them with veggies. Anything but sugar, starches, etc. I stopped those high sodium loaded "Lean" Cuisines and replaced them with salads full of veggies and grilled chicken. Now this is not to say I dont eat carbs at all. Come on....thats crazy. Last time I checked, beer is full of carbs. That being said, Gunselmans has been seeing less of me. I am trying to limit myself to weekends only.

Another great tool, if you are looking to lose some weight is the 'My Fitness Pal" app. I strongly urge you to get this to keep track of your calories. It is fantastic. What is really cool is you can scan your food items via the bar code on the package and it will give you the calorie count. What I also really enjoy is it takes into consideration your exercise time. So if you work out for an hour, it gives you extra calories for the day since you burned off a said amount from that workout. I am on a 1,200 calorie diet. Some people have asked me if I am hungry and truthfully I am not. The first two weeks were tough. I wont lie. But once you get through that initial two weeks, it is pretty simple. You figure out what you can have and what you cant have and coordinate your meals. I eat alot of chicken, tilapia and veggies. I also am far more aware of calorie counts from that app.

Again, I do not weigh myself. I find that such a hinderance for me when I am trying to lose weight. Like I said, I am an emotional eater. If I do not lose weight and get frustrated, I might reach for a bag of chips to cope. So I base my weight loss on how I am feeling and how my clothes fit. And I can tell you they are getting looser. I will get weighed at my oncologist appointment on Wednesday so I will see the results. I am crossing my fingers that I see some great results.

That all being said I am doing very well right now healthwise. I also have my appointment next week with my new OBGYN to discuss my hysterectomy at then end of the year. That will remove my chances for any girl part cancers. Also will mean I can get off of this horrible Lupron. I am sure that will help in my weight loss too once I am off of this. other than that I am feeling really good and am so happy to get all of that cancer bullshit past me.

Have a great weekend everyone and an awesome 4th of July!

XOXO-
B

"Rain"

2013-06-07T10:03:00.002-04:00

Perfect song on a gloomy day like this........seriously I am wearing a Toledo hoodie in June people!

I havent posted much lately. Mostly because, believe it or not, I havent had too much to say. So this blog is just going to be an update of where I am at right now physically and mentally.

In about a month, I have my first appointment with my new OBGYN who I will discuss my hysterectomy with with her, go over my options and, hopefully, schedule something for December. Once this is done, fingers crossed, this will be the last of my surgeries for a long ass time. I am scheduled for a shot of Lupron in July then my last one would be in October. I am really just looking forward to being done with all of this shit to be honest.

This past week I went to my support group at the Gathering Place for the first time in a few months. It is tough to go at times. Sometimes I just need to walk away from the stories but then I feel bad if I dont go. This past one was very difficult. So many horrible stories to hear. One that stuck with me was the girl who was a leukemia survivor but was in heart failure from her chemo. She then finds out she has breast cancer. The story affected me greatly. It made me question many things. People in my life. Religion. Everything.

I am not a religious person by any means. And if you are reading this and you are thats fine. I just have a hard time believing that "God" would continue to allow some of the crap I see. Has this poor girl not been through enough? I do not want this blog post to be some religious bashing or become an argument. I just have a hard time believing that God allowed Ariel Castro to torture, beat, and rape 3 women for 10 years and then gives cancer TWICE to people who are good people. Nobody can explain to me why this would be allowed. And even if you think you can justify that, please save your breath. There is nothing you can say that will justify that ever to me.

Completely on another topic, I started a low carb/high protein diet. I hate to say NO CARBS because its just not realistic. I am not eating any carbs for breakfast, lunch or dinner. Howevever, if I go out I will have them. I figure that if I can be good at home and at work, that is a winning battle in itself. I do feel a difference the past 2 weeks. My challenge is at home at night. I love chips, popcorn, etc. I just can not have them in my house. So its been sugar free fudgescicles or ricotta cremes(YUMMY!). So far so good!! I do not weigh myself because I will obsessed with it. Then I get pissed at the damn scale and eat everything in sight. I am totally an emotional eater. So dont ask me how much weight I have lost. I wont know. I will just know by the way my clothes feel.

Hmm what else? Vacation to South Carolina with the familia is in August. Really looking foward to that. Beach, sun, laughs and beer. Then in October will be Vega$. We got our Buffett tix at the MGM Grand and I am really looking forward to celebrating my 40th(a little late but thats ok!). Other than that, I am just kicking back and enjoying my summer. This summer wont be ruined from cancer!

Have a great weekend everyone!

XOXO
B

"Teach Your Children"

2013-05-15T08:18:00.000-04:00

So this is going to be one of those random blog posts where I have some random thoughts floating around in my noggin':

1) I never wrote anything about the Boston Bombing. I didnt want to be reactionary. I think, in this day and age, it is so easy to do that. I do not want to give the bombers anymore recognition than they already have received. However, I will say I am not sure how you stop something like this. I think one of the things we all need to do is be more aware of our surroundings. I am not blaming anyone here, just saying that if you see something you think is suspicious report it. I think too often we have people that just do not pay attention to obvious signs that someone is up to no good. Maybe its my previous retail work experience but I could tell you that 95% of the time when I thought someone was stealing from us, they were. Its gut instinct. Someone looks at you one way---you just know they are doing something wrong. I know I will be far more cautious in crowds. Looking people up and down. I will be far more vigilant in my neighborhood(yes I am speaking to you punk ass neighbor kid. If you think you are going to be shooting bb guns in your back yard, you have another thing coming....like the police at your front door.)

2) And while we are on the topic of kids.......what the hell is going on in this country with parents who have no clue where the hell their kids are? Recently, in North Olmsted, there was a 15 year old who was ran over by a hit and run driver at 11:30 PM on a Thursday night. Now I am not blaming this kid for being hit. But I am wondering...

Look we dont know the whole story. Maybe this kid snuck out but what is with parents these days? Recently I was at the gym and I was leaving while this kid(maybe 12?) was on the phone with his mom. He was begging her to let him go with his friends, down the street to the Circle K! The Circle K from the gym is almost a mile from the gym! As he left with his friends, I got into my car and waited at the light. I watched as 4 12 year old boys played chicken across Lorain Rd almost getting hit by traffic. Again......why is mom allowing him to go there?

And yes I KNOW I DONT HAVE KIDS. But jesus christ and a cracker, can you parents please start putting some restrictions on your children. You are not benefiting them by allowing them to do everything and giving them everything they ask for. It is okay to say:

3) Amanda Berry, Gina DeJesus, & Michelle Knight. 3 names the entire country knows about now. When I got a text from Brian that they found these girls, I think my jaw hit the floor. If you are from Cleveland, you should have heard Amanda Berry and/or Gina DeJesus' names at least once. We all know the story. I won't rehash it here. It's quite mind boggling and I am still trying to wrap my head around it. This much I do know though. We all failed these women. For someone to be able to hide these 3 away for 10 years is unacceptable to me. I keep hearing excuses about it being a bad neighborhood and people dont rat on each other, its normal for houses to look like that, yada yada yada.

Look--- until we, as a society, wake the fuck up and pay more attention to our surroundings, then shit like this will happen. If you see something out of the ordinary, report it to the police. If the police dont come, you call them again. Stop turning the other cheek. Shove into your childrens brains that they SHOULD NOT EVER....EVER get into a car with anyone other than a family member. I am not blaming these girls but again we are all too lax when it comes to people. We all need to have our guards up. We all need to start paying more attention to our surroundings and not our cell phones. When you walk around your neighborhoods, take a look at the homes. I bet you never really thought to do that until now. It is amazing what you might see now that you're paying closer attention. If those neighbors would have done that on Seymour Avenue, these girls may have been saved much sooner.

Peace and love.......peace and love(thank you Ringo Starr)

XOXO
B