(This is the third iteration of the Rookie’s Rough Guide to CPAC. You can get the original version here and last year’s revision here. You’ll notice quite a few similarities, but also some useful differences as well.)

If you’re a conservative, and haven’t been living in a dank cave far from a WiFi signal, you know that the Conservative Political Action Conference, also known as CPAC, is the biggest and baddest gathering of political conservatives in the country. Last year’s event set a record with over 11,000 attendees and, since this is a Presidential election year, we could see that record broken again. All those people make for an awful lot of ruckus and it’s easy to get lost in the mass of people, speeches, exhibit booths, dinners, and after-parties. This will be my fourth CPAC and I’ve picked up a few pointers about how to have a good time at CPAC without getting overwhelmed. I’ll share them with you right here.

So let’s get started.

1) Dress for Success…and Comfort

More so than in years past, CPAC is spread across a pretty large hotel. The main ballroom in which most of the A-list speeches will be held is a long way from the exhibition hall, with lots of little meeting rooms in between. You will do a lot of walking. Pick your shoes carefully. Women, I know those stiletto heels make your legs look incredible, but after a few hours in them, you will be willing to kill a bus full of elderly nuns with cute puppies on their laps for a pair of comfortable walking shoes. Guys, those brand-new squeaky dress shoes may make you feel like Mitt Romney right before he dumps a pile of venture capital cash on a grateful small business, but the blisters you get after a couple hours won’t make you happy. Pack a pair of shoes that look good and can handle a few miles worth of walking.

As for the rest of the ensemble, use good sense. Ultra-mini skirts that show off your well-toned legs are good for the after-parties, but not for six hours of sitting in speeches and panel discussions. Business or business casual is the order of the day, at least until the sun goes down. Then, break out the sharp suits and the leopard skin prints.

Also, pay attention to layering. Even though CPAC is a February affair, and temps are supposed to be in the high 40s through the end of the week, the hotel will be quite warm and it’ll get warmer as the day goes on. You do not want to get stuck in a crowded hall with a few hundred of your closest conservative friends in a heavy sweater over nothing at all. Make sure you can adjust your clothing to the temperature as much as you can.

2) You Can’t Do It All, So Plan Ahead

Here is the agenda for CPAC 2012 (PDF download). It is 20 pages long. That’s right, 20 pages of speeches, lectures, panel discussion, book signings, training sessions, and receptions. Go ahead and admit to yourself right now that you are going to miss something you really want to see. It’s happened to me the last two years and it’ll happen this year, too. CPAC is like Disneyland in that regard. You want to ride all the rides, but there isn’t enough time and there are enough clones of you to go around. Believe me, I understand.

You can save yourself a lot of time and disappointment by making a priority list up before you get there. Print out the agenda (Sorry, folks, the ACU didn’t spring for an iPhone app this year, for whatever reason) and figure out what four things you want to see each day. You can go as high as five, but I think four is about the sweet spot. Here’s why.

While you’re whittling down your list to a very small number, you’ll find that you end up with ten or twelve second-choice events. That’s good. Now you have a pool of other things you can see if for some reason you miss one of the Big Four on your list. Also, making a list or two of events you must see will take some of the intimidation factor out of a 20-page agenda. That secondary list will be handy as well, because if it happens that you have more time than you thought, you’ll have a ready hand full of other events you can attend.

Second, these events take a bit longer than you think. Not only should you plan for the time allotted on the schedule, but you should also plan to stand on line for a while, especially for the events that feature A-list speakers. You’ll need to get there early if you’re going to get a good seat. In the case of book-signings, I’d recommend that you queue up 15-20 minutes beforehand or 30 minutes if it involves one of the really big names.

Third, if you over-plan your day with too many events, you’re going to feel rushed and, ultimately, frustrated when you start missing speeches or panels you really wanted to see. Remember, you’re going to CPAC to enjoy yourself, first and foremost. Which brings me to…

3) Love the Nightlife, but Not too Much

Unless you have the social skills of a dead caribou you’re going to meet a lot of people over three days. You’ll meet your friends, who will introduce you to other friends. You’ll meet people you know only through Twitter or Facebook or their blogs. You’ll run into famous folks (more on that later). And, most importantly, you’ll catch some buzz about one of the many after-parties that happen every night. Even the most committed introvert can not resist the pull of an hour or so spend with friends, new and old. Trust me on this.

Legends are made at CPAC after parties. Whether it’s a pre-planned affair (especially the ones that use the magic summoning incantation “Open Bar”) or an impromptu hotel suite bacchanalia, chances are you’ll get to one or two and they will provide you with stories to tell your friends and perhaps even generations of young conservatives for years. So have fun. Like I said before, you’re going to CPAC to enjoy yourself, so don’t deprive yourself of the opportunity to do just that.

You know there’s a “but” coming, right? Well, here it is. Remember that CPAC runs for three days and plan your after-hours partying accordingly. You don’t want to be one of those spent dishrags of partied-out woe slouching around the convention on Saturday afternoon, now do you? No, you want to be bright and alert so you can be in the front of the line for Ann Coulter and the keynote speech that afternoon!

You know what your limits are. Don’t exceed them.

4) Prepare for Brushes with Fame

Whether or not you intend on running into people you know from television, radio, or the internet, you will meet them. It’s inevitable, so you might as well plan on it beforehand. In my three years, I’ve had chance encounters with Michael Barone, Mark Levin, Rick Santorum, Jerry Doyle, Newt Gingrich, Saul Anuzis, Donald Rumsfeld, Herman Cain, and Mitt Romney. That list doesn’t include the dozens of top-notch bloggers and journalist-types that wander all over CPAC throughout the day. I didn’t exactly plan to meet anyone (though I knew I’d see several bloggers there) and your experiences will be very similar to mine. When that chance meeting does happen, say hello, be polite, and don’t be afraid to ask if they’ll take a picture with you. Most folks are glad to spend a moment or two for a picture and a quick word, even if they are rushing to an interview or a speech. Some of them will take even more time to chat with you for a bit. Enjoy it and don’t freeze up!

5) The Plague, Boss! The Plague!

The past couple years, a mystery malady has struck literally dozens of my friends in the days immediately preceding CPAC. Call it a persistent cold, or some sort of winter flu bug, the illness now known as The CPAC Plague is a pretty miserable experience. Some of my friends ran fevers for a few days, some lost their voice, some ended up with a week of head or chest congestion, and a couple ended up with bronchitis. This is to be expected when you get thousands of people in a relatively enclosed area for three days, especially when a good chunk of them run on little sleep and more alcohol than wholesome meals. Resistance to sickness runs low and germs are plentiful. It’s no surprise that people get sick.

Be careful. I’m not saying you should go the full Howard Hughes, but know that all the hand-shaking, happy hugging, and close quarters partying means that a few flu germs will make their way into your lungs. Make sure you wash your hands as often as practical (or carry a small bottle of hand sanitizer), cough into your sleeve or a handkerchief, drink only from your own glass, and try not to partake in every Caligula-like orgy you encounter. Moderate yourself and think about your health. You’ll thank me for this when you’re on Twitter next week and you read the tweets from everyone who didn’t take my advice and were struck down with the CPAC Plague.

6) Prepare for Swag!

CPAC is a swagfest. Nearly every exhibitor will have pamphlets, books, squeezy stress balls, coffee cups, t-shirts, and all manner of other gewgaws to hand out to eager attendees. You, as an eager attendee, will collect quite a lot of swag almost without trying very hard. The fine CPAC folks will give you a swag bag, but you should carry something better. I recommend a medium-sized messenger bag or similarly-sized satchel — something that can hold a couple or three hardback books (which you may pick up at one of the many book-signings) and such other items as a digital camera, phone, or even a netbook if you’re feeling ambitious. You will also want to reserve a pocket of that bag for a couple small snacks, which brings me to…

7) Food!

I admit, I’m not particularly well-versed about what eateries exist around the hotel. It won’t be hard to get up to speed. The hotel staff can recommend several good places and the hotel restaurant serves tasty, if not exactly cheap, victuals. In a pinch, there’s a McDonald’s not even a block from the hotel, near the entrance to the Metro Station. I recommend you throw a couple or three bars to help keep your energy levels up — granola or breakfast bars will do nicely. That way you won’t have to duck into the restaurant until you absolutely have to. Also be on the lookout for breakfast and lunch seminars in the schedule andget in on them early. At CPAC there can be such a thing as a free lunch!

Finishing Up

I’ve said this before, but I’ll say it again because it’s important. The point of CPAC, really, is to enjoy yourself and to come out with a little more knowledge in your head about being a savvy conservative than you had when you went in. If you accomplish that and are smiling on your way out the door, then you’ve had a good three days. Relax, enjoy, and don’t forget to say Hi when you see me. I’ll be the guy with the comfortable shoes and the Hazmat suit.

I returned to the subject of the Occupy Whatever movement in the first half of the show. It’s curious to me that our President and his administration have no apparent interest in upholding the law as concerns the Occupy DC movement yet hold the Tea Parties in open contempt. I’m not happy about that, and I can’t imagine why any of you would be either. Right now, there is a clear divide between those to whom the laws of our nation applies and those to whom they don’t, and the administration has very clearly put its political foes in the latter bucket. Equal protection under the law is a bedrock principle that should never be shoved aside for cheap political gains.

The Delivery - Episode 132

Last month, I went to Andrews Air Force Base and welcomed home some of our last troops to serve in Iraq. Together, we offered a final, proud salute to the colors under which more than a million of our fellow citizens fought — and several thousand gave their lives.

We gather tonight knowing that this generation of heroes has made the United States safer and more respected around the world. (Applause.) For the first time in nine years, there are no Americans fighting in Iraq. (Applause.) For the first time in two decades, Osama bin Laden is not a threat to this country. (Applause.) Most of al Qaeda’s top lieutenants have been defeated. The Taliban’s momentum has been broken, and some troops in Afghanistan have begun to come home.

These achievements are a testament to the courage, selflessness and teamwork of America’s Armed Forces. At a time when too many of our institutions have let us down, they exceed all expectations. They’re not consumed with personal ambition. They don’t obsess over their differences. They focus on the mission at hand. They work together.

Imagine what we could accomplish if we followed their example. (Applause.) Think about the America within our reach: A country that leads the world in educating its people. An America that attracts a new generation of high-tech manufacturing and high-paying jobs. A future where we’re in control of our own energy, and our security and prosperity aren’t so tied to unstable parts of the world. An economy built to last, where hard work pays off, and responsibility is rewarded.

So, the President wants a nation where we act just like the military — everyone working together, with no personal ambitions, not disagreements of opinion, and nothing but a laser-like focus on the mission given to them by someone above them. Hmm…now what does that sound like to me? Nope, I can’t quite place it; it’s escaped me completely.

I want to be clear (to borrow a Presidential phrase he’s used so often you can hear the frayed edges of the words). I don’t think Barack Obama is a fascist, even while he preaches the fascist ideals. Honestly, I don’t think he’s tough or energetic enough to make a good fascist. Fascist leaders get their hands dirty. They don’t outsource the dirty work to advisers, cabinet officials, and countless nameless bureaucrats. They give orders, to be sure, but they give orders, not vague suggestions wrapped in gauzy, deceptive platitudes that would get bounced out of a motivational poster caption contest. Take this alleged applause line, for example:

This Nation is great because we built it together. This Nation is great because we worked as a team. This Nation is great because we get each other’s backs. And if we hold fast to that truth, in this moment of trial, there is no challenge too great; no mission too hard.

What doggerel. America isn’t great because our Founders built a great team. Heck, South Carolina was populated by those destined for debtor’s prison. Pennsylvania was founded by Quakers, not exactly known for their ability to fight in a pinch (and colonial America faced quite a few such pinches). The entire Civil War was a bloody four-year exercise in not getting each other’s backs, unless by “getting” you mean “shooting with a rifle”. American history is stuffed full of examples of how we didn’t work as a team, how individuals built great things for their own benefit and on their own volition.

Take the Empire State Building, financed largely by a man named John Raskob an built, literally, as a giant “take that!” to Raskob’s business rival Walter Chrysler. See, Chrysler had begun building the largest building in the world and Raskob wanted to beat him. So, he built the Empire State Building. That was not a case of two men who “built it together” nor or people who “worked as a team”. Two great men decided they wanted to do something grand and so they did, without care for the national “mission” or getting “each other’s backs”.

That is the story of America, not the pale smear of rainbows and united unicorns wafted by our Motivator-in-Chief.

Here is the other thing. Our soldiers work together, but they do not pursue happiness together. They do a job, like we all do jobs. They go to work, put in the hours they need to put in, then they go home where they pursue the rest of their lives. To be sure, their jobs is incredibly dangerous and important, but in the end, a soldier is someone who draws a paycheck just like a mechanic, exterminator, or community organizer. Well, okay, maybe that last one’s not such a great example because community organizers don’t really draw paychecks so much as they siphon a bit off the top of whatever money they’ve managed to shake free from their targets. Still, the analogy works. What Barack Obama wants is an America where we spend all our time working toward the national “mission”. We will work for the greater good and accept what the President and Congress believe is “fair” for us to have. We will raise our families in accordance with the wishes of the government bureaucracy and our children will eat from Washington-approved menus. We will enjoy only as much freedom as doesn’t conflict with the “mission” as dictated by President Barack Obama.

At least, that’s his daydream. I think it’s silly and if any normal person had told his friends he had a dream like that, they would have laughed at him and maybe smacked him in the back of the head. Of course, Barack Obama isn’t a normal person. He’s the Obamessiah, the Light Bringer, the man who lowered the seas and began a planet-wide time of healing, and the Causer of Leg Tingles. So he gets to pour out his bland treacly fantasies on the nation while the MSM coo and flirt back and tell us how wonderful America would be if we’d only shut up for a while and do what the nice President tells us to do. That is what makes me so very uneasy — the notion that the President, who claims to be a Constitutional scholar, can read that great document (and the Declaration of Independence!) and think “You know, that’s all about teamwork and mission”.

And the solders President Obama used as the exemplars of his Dream America? Well, a whole bunch of them will be out of work very shortly and those who will get to keep their jobs will pay more for their government-run health insurance. So much for teamwork, huh?

A man who wanted to buy an Ass went to market, and, coming across a likely-looking beast, arranged with the owner that he should be allowed to take him home on trial to see what he was like. When he reached home, he put him into his stable along with the other asses. The newcomer took a look round, and immediately went and chose a place next to the laziest and greediest beast in the stable. When the master saw this he put a halter on him at once, and led him off and handedhim over to his owner again. The latter was a good deal surprised to seem him back so soon, and said, “Why, do you mean to say you have tested him already?” “I don’t want to put him through any more tests,” replied the other. “I could see what sort of beast he is from the companion he chose for himself.”

I’ve been reminded of this saying quite a lot lately as a number of Mitt Romney’s campaign surrogates have gone after Newt Gingrich. In the past few weeks, such veteran Republicans as John Sununu, Susan Molinari, Jim Talent, Elliot Abrams, John McCain, and Bob Dole have taken their turn stabbing Gingrich in various vital organs on Mitt Romney’s behalf. Dole was especially vicious, saying that he had to “take a stand before it was too late” again Gingrich who he believed single-handedly cost him his bid for the Presidency against an immensely popular Bill Clinton in 1996.

Yes, well. I’m sure we could blame a lot of people for Dole’s somnolent campaign in 1996 but when I think of who I’d tag with Dole’s nearly 10-point loss, Newt Gingrich does not come to mind. As for the others, I’m fairly sure if you built a Hall of Heroes of Smaller Government, none of the names in the last paragraph would have their own statue, not even a tiny one nestled off in the Corner of People Who Occasionally Helped. They have been nearly invisible for the past few years while our government has grown exponentially larger and more out of control and our debt rocketed toward levels that would make the Founders choke with rage. None of them took to the streets with the Tea Parties to protest the corrupt Stimulus Bill. None lent their years of experience to those who fought against the debt ceiling increase. They stayed completely out of the Obamacare debate.

And speaking of Obamacare, let me give you this little tidbit from one of Romney’s most insider of insiders, former Minnesota Senator Norm Coleman (via Doug Ross, who has a few rods of inspiration).

Mitt Romney adviser Norm Coleman, a former senator from Minnesota, predicted the GOP won’t repeal the Democrats’ healthcare reform law even if a Republican candidate defeats President Obama this November.

“You will not repeal the act in its entirety, but you will see major changes, particularly if there is a Republican president,” Coleman told BioCentury This Week television in an interview that aired on Sunday. “You can’t whole-cloth throw it out. But you can substantially change what’s been done.”

Now, the Romney campaign sent its spokeswoman out to chide Coleman, who we last saw losing a desperate re-election bid to a failed talk radio host and second-rate comedian, but the candidate has yet to knock Coleman’s statement down directly. His campaign maintains that Romney is dedicated to the repeal of Obamacare and that he will make it a priority after he is elected, but will he? Remember Aesop’s fable. Mitt Romney says a lot of things about who he is and what he’ll do if we elect him as President, but what of the people with whom he surrounds himself? What do they — lovers of big government, tenders of the status quo, losers of big elections, the go-along to get-along crowd — say about Mitt Romney?

Now is it true that back in the 90s, a bunch of Republicans in the House of Representatives got together and bounced Newt Gingrich from his position as Speaker of the House. They kept on pushing and pushing until he was well outside what most normal people would consider the Washington political “establishment”, the folks who make their living (and who have done so for many yeas) from being powerful Republicans. It is a bad thing, says the Romney camp that the likes of Susan Molinari, John Sununu, and Bob Dole do not want Gingrich in their Republican clubhouse. Well, maybe it is, or maybe it’s an illustration of President Grover Cleveland’s version of the Aesop fable.

“A man is known by the company he keeps, and also by the company from which he is kept out.”

If we can judge Mitt Romney by the gang of Republicans who couldn’t be bothered to lift a finger over the past three years to so much as slow down Barack Obama’s progressive rampage but suddenly find themselves possessed with boundless energy to cast Newt Gingrich as the Greatest Villain of Our Time, then we can surely judge Gingrich by them as well.  Clearly, Newt is not suitable company for those Republicans who never met a compromise with the left they couldn’t claim as a victory. Clearly, he doesn’t belong with the Republicans who quietly made post-Congressional fortunes with lobbying firms like the Washington Group (Moinari), Akin Gump (Sununu), Arent Fox (Talent), and Alston & Bird (Dole). He’s not fit to be among them though he led a resurgence of public opinion in Congress for the years he led the House. It is certainly their prerogative to cast him out of their ranks, but it is also our prerogative to judge the candidates from the company they keep and the company that won’t keep them.

I won’t even begin to describe everything you’ll get in the whole hour, but I’ll give you two little tidbits. First, the number of working Americans who will get their health care wholly or in some significant part from the government — that is, from other working Americans — by the year 2020 is truly mind-boggling. One of the big problems conservatives have when we talk about entitlements is that the average American doesn’t believe it affects them directly. It’s not easy to draw a straight line from Medicare, Medicaid, and Social Security to the average working American’s paycheck in a way that shows them just how big the problem is. I’m pretty sure Ben and I dropped a few numbers that can do that, if we spread them around a bit.

We pivoted from health care to cool, and what that actually means in a day where grown men live in their parents’ basement well into their 30s without any apparent sense of shame. I admit, I’m no examplar of what the great Frank Sinatra called “ringa-ding-ding”, but I know cool when I see it and Ben has it. I think you’ll like our musings on success, friendship, and what it means to be comfortable with both success and cool; and you can bet your bottom dollar that I’ll have Ben back on the show again soon.

The Delivery - Episode 131

My friend Jim is working with Bongino’s campaign and filmed a brief snippet of a speech he gave at a Tea Party rally this past October. The speech is short, but quite powerful. Take a look. I think you’re going to like him quite a lot.

If you’re so inclined, he could use your help. Whether you kick him a few bucks or sign up to volunteer to help him beat Senator Cardin, I’m sure he’ll put what you give to very good use. He doesn’t seem like a man who wastes what he’s given.

I’ve seen a lot of blog posts and news articles about the housing and credit crisis, but none that delved into the actual causes of both like two books I’ve recently read: Reckless Endangerment: How Outsized Ambition, Greed, and Corruption Led to Economic Armageddon and The Big Short: Inside the Doomsday Machine. I finished both of them in about a month, then spent a few days really thinking about what I had read. Then I got angry. See, what really happened to bring about both crises boiled down to basic, garden-variety greed and not some sinister government plot to advance socialism or Wall Street plan to screw the little guy. Just greed.

The reason it’s important we know why the credit and housing markets imploded is that we will undoubtedly see other bubbles in other markets and some of the same stuff that happened in banks, investment houses, government offices, and mortgage companies may well happen again. People with a desire to make a bazillion dollars greater than their own good sense will devise elaborate schemes that won’t be illegal but will certainly be wildly reckless. And we’ll need to recognize when it happens so we can stop it before it escalates to disaster. We have to get it right so that we don’t go through it again. We really don’t want to go through this again.

As it happens, both my picks for the AFC and NFC Championship games came up wrong, though I am glad to see that they were just a little bit wrong. I pretty much came within a play in each game of being almost completely right, which doens’t count for very much, I’m afraid. That’s why I never bet on sporting events. Almost doesn’t count for much when money is on the line, right? Perhaps, if I get courageous, I’ll try to pick the Super Bowl, Just promise me you won’t actually put anything tangible on my prediction!

The Delivery - Episode 130

Presenting this week's cover: President Barack Obama! In which we ask, why are his critics so dumb? Newsstands Monday. http://t.co/Xlm26rgX

January 15, 2012 16:55 via webReplyRetweetFavorite

@Newsweek

Newsweek

And this is the picture behind that link.

Great, huh? I remember when the magazine was respectable, when its editors and authors had some sense of pride. Those days are long gone, though. Now, the magazine is a vanity project for its “editor” Tina Brown, who only marketable ability has been to convince people with more money than intelligence that they should ignore her long string of failures and hand her the controls of another publication so she can pilot it into the side of a mountain.

But her descent into vapid propagandist can be our gain. Newsweek’s cover has already provided fodder for some delightful Photoshop responses that capture the tenor of the magazine perfectly. I’d take any one of them over the real cover. They, at least, show off some wit and maturity.