The Tanory Tantrum

From the Mouth of Babies

noreply@blogger.com (Bobby) — Tue, 31 Jan 2012 04:04:00 +0000

Some of my family's most beloved sayings, phrases and names come from babies.

For example, we all call my grandmother "GaGa" (or Gaga if you prefer) because that's what my oldest cousin, Jeremy, called her when he was a baby. I always called her Gaga, until I felt I was too old for that (like 15-ish), and started calling her Grandma. She pulled me aside and said, "You know, Bobby, I really like it when you call me Gaga. That's what everyone knows me as."

So be it! I never again called her anything but Gaga. She was the original Lady Gaga, by the way.

My family calls donuts "do-buts" because that's what my cousin Jackie called them one time. She was really young - probably 3 or 4, around my daughter's age. I was pretty young then too so I didn't realize how big of a deal this was. As in, I didn't realize that everyone in my entire extended family would still be calling them do-buts to this day. (We sure do!)

So what's the point of all of this? Well, my son can't say "blueberries," so instead he calls them "bootahs." So now we all call them bootahs.

"Want some blueberries, Peter?" Mommy will ask.

"No!" Peter will scream, as he flings other food off his high char.

"Want some bootahs, Peter?" Mommy will ask again, sweetly.

"BOOTAHS!"

There you have it. Gaga, do-buts, bootahs. You're all now one step closer to being Tanorys. All it takes is getting the lingo down as well as growing out your unibrows.

New Levels of Nerdom

noreply@blogger.com (Bobby) — Fri, 27 Jan 2012 05:12:00 +0000

I have risen to new heights in nerdom this month. And you know what? I'm not ashamed of it.

Well, not yet anyway.

My first uber-nerdy thing was to get a strap for my glasses. My glasses keep almost falling off my face any time I look down, and my kids love to pull at them. So I asked Santa for a strap for my glasses, and he delivered.

I wore my strap at work for a month without anyone noticing it, because I had gone my usual three months without a haircut and was starting to look like I was a hobo. But once I got my hair cut, it became obvious that something was holding my glasses to my face, and I got a lot of comments on it.

Most of the comments were, "Uh... is that a strap on your glasses?" and "Uh... are you coming back from playing racquetball or something?" My answer to both was, "Yes."

The strap is not as obvious from the side...

But is much more obvious from the back. Although, let's be honest, if you're walking behind me then you're probably checking out my ass.

The other nerdy thing I've started doing is watching Battlestar Galactica. Well, actually, that's not really the nerdy part. I mean, sure, that's somewhat nerdy, but what I'm really watching is Caprica, the prequel to Battlestar Galactica. I haven't even started watching Battlestar Galactica yet and don't even know if I'll like it, but I'm investing 15 hours into watching the prequel on NetFlix. Caprica was even cancelled, but I don't care - I'm just that nerdy right now.

Finally, my last act of Nerdom was finishing Anathem by Neal Stephenson. Stephenson is one of my favorite authors, and I'm not really calling him or the book nerdy. But, there's a lot of math, physics and theology in Stephenson's work, and for the past few weeks I've been looking over some old geometry equations, reading about geodesics, etc. All inspired by Anathem. It was one of the most amazing books that I've read in a long time, and it's helped me catch up on all the geometrical calculations for triangles.

Betty was involved with both my glasses strap and my book, so I have to give her credit for my uber-nerdiness this month. And that's one of the things that I love about her: she gets me. Not only does she get me, but she encourages it and loves me for it.

Now if I could just get her into one of those Princess Leia slave outfits, then my nerdiness will be complete!

Rocking Out With Elmo

noreply@blogger.com (Bobby) — Mon, 23 Jan 2012 06:24:00 +0000

My son, Peter, is in an Elmo stage right now. He's also in a Mickey Mouse stage, although he calls Mickey "Hot Dog" because they do the Hot Dog dance at the end of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. He also likes Abby Cadabby from Sesame Street, but I'll venture that it's because she's magic and not because she's a hot little muppet.

And although I like watching Mickey Mouse and Elmo, I'd rather do other things, like listen to music and play on the computer.

So I came up with a grand plan: I've combined my love for computers and music with Peter's love for Mickey and Muppets, and whenever Peter gets upset now, we watch Elmo videos on YouTube. But not just any videos - music videos!

We started off with Elmo's Song. Peter likes that one a lot. And who can blame him? It's so catchy!

Then, to be educational, we start on our ABC's. I particularly like The Alphabet With Elmo and India Arie. I've never really listened to India Arie before, but she rocks the crap out of her ABCs. I also like ABC Hip Hop with Miles. I don't know if Miles is a singer or just a regular dude, but I've been humming his rendition of the ABCs all day, and I love it.

If Peter hasn't completely calmed down then we start counting. I happen to like that Feist song "1, 2, 3, 4," and now Peter likes it - but he likes the Sesame Street version.

Then, if Peter's either sitting quietly or still upset (doesn't matter what the excuse is), we'll watch other Sesame Street clips with some of Daddy's favorite actors, like Adam Sandler and Joel McHale.

I don't like the Black Eyed Peas, but I like Will.i.am, and he has a great song on Sesame Street's YouTube channel called What I Am.

And don't worry, it's not like all we do is watch TV and music videos with Peter. We also do manly things, like play ball (in and outside of the house), chase skirts (literally - we throw the laundry around and then chase it), and hurl insults at the Teletubbies. Gotta teach our children right!

Aquarium of the Americas

noreply@blogger.com (Bobby) — Sun, 22 Jan 2012 04:39:00 +0000

It was a little hot and muggy on Saturday, so we decided to cool off by going underwater - at the Aquarium of the Americas in New Orleans.

There's only one rule at the aquarium, and we broke it as soon as we got there: don't get eaten by sharks!

OK, you got me. Betty and the kids weren't really eaten by sharks, which is good because we probably would not have gotten a refund on our tickets. We had a great time. Annie was so happy to see her cousin David that they mostly ignored all the displays and just ran around playing tag. For my part, I like to read every line of text on every display (much to Betty's chagrin), so I learned a lot.

For example, did you know that some creatures alive today were also alive at the same time as and/or before the dinosaurs? It's true! Sharks are older than dinosaurs. In fact, "modern sharks" evolved during the Jurassic period. Just don't call any sharks "old-timers" because they really hate that, and will probably try to eat you.

Frogs also lived at the same time as the dinosaurs. Some frogs even ate baby dinosaurs. They also tasted great in dino-frog leg soup.

The Aquarium of the Americas has more than just fish, sharks, frogs, stingrays and obese humans wearing inappropriate clothing which shows off their muffin tops. They also have birds. And not just birds in cages that you can look at... but a new place where birds fly all around you, and you can buy little sticks of food for them so that they'll land right next to you and eat and/or poop on you. My son, Peter, really enjoyed seeing the birds!

And yes, I got pooped on. But don't worry, I played it cool. I just found a place with a lot of people and pushed my way through, making sure to rub my poop-stained shirt all over someone else's back.

My favorite animal at the Aquarium is the Sea Dragon. It's basically an overgrown Sea Horse, but it looks like a dragon.

It reminds me of the dragon from that old Atari game Adventure.

Last fun fact for the day: there's a species of jellyfish (Turritopsis nutricula) that is nicknamed the "immortal jellyfish" - because it never dies. Well, most of them die due to being eaten or by disease, but that's not the point. Once they grow to be really old, they start to grow young again until they form back into a polyp. They're like the Benjamin Buttons of the sea. Then after they're young, they can grow old again. They're effectively immortal (except, again, for being eaten). Maybe science can use this jellyfish to make me immortal or at least change me back into a kid again, because there are some awesome toys out there that I'd like to play with.

Thanks to the great people at the Audubon Institute and Aquarium of the Americas for a great day in New Orleans!

Golden Globes Trifecta

noreply@blogger.com (Bobby) — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 05:57:00 +0000

Every year my family votes on the Golden Globes. I usually do pretty well. The trick is to just pick any foreign actor, foreign film, or foreign-sounding name, because the Golden Globes are voted on by the Hollywood Foreign Press. As a bonus, you should also always pick Tony Shalhoub when he's eligible. (The HFP loves Tony Shalhoub!)

I also look for actresses with Golden Globes, if you know what I mean. (I mean boobies.)

Unfortunately, this year I forgot about my own advice and instead voted as if I were voting for the Oscars. And, to be funny, I voted for Ryan Gosling not once but twice, only because I recently wrote about how the Huffington Post loves him so much and thought it would be funny. (Hint: The Hollywood Foreign Press doesn't like him as much as the Huffington Post.)

The prize for the winner of this year's contest got his or her own blog post. It was a close race right down to the finish. Going into the last category of the night, Betty and her mom were tied for first. As soon as the winner was announced, Betty looked at the scorecard, saw that her mom had voted for the winner, and slumped with defeat. We marked her mom as the winner and sent off some emails declaring her the victor.

But then, the accounting firm of Tanory and Tanory took another look.

It turns out that I had used "J" for John Bobby, but Betty thought it was for Jane, her mom's name - despite the fact that I had written out an elaborate legend at the bottom of Page 2 explaining the naming scheme! So the point did not go to her mom, but instead went to John Bobby - who was now tied for first! Yes, the same John Bobby who won our fantasy football league just won the Golden Globes contest. I think he's cheating but I can't prove it yet.

A three-way tie for first? That's a Golden Globes trifecta!

Of course, it took us two more tries at declaring the winner to figure that out. We were so set on the race between Betty and her mom that we didn't see that John Bobby had also won at first.

So the winners get a blog post, and I'm taking the easy way out and consolidating all of their blogs into a single blog post. Deal with it! And if you don't mind, I'll write this as if we're awarding Golden Globes at a ceremony. I'm even writing this while sitting on a red carpet. (I spilled red wine on the carpet. Don't judge me.)

And the winner for Best Wife goes to...

Betty! And I'm not just saying that because I'm contractually obligated to do so due to a binding legal agreement sent out along with the Golden Globes scorecard on Sunday. I'm also not saying that because she's my only wife. She really is the greatest wife. Here, I'll prove it: She's beautiful, smart, funny, fun, and great at Rummikub (she always beats me at it). I'm always amazed at how much cool stuff our kids learn from her. She's a great friend and a wonderful person. And she was pretty good at picking Golden Globe winners this year - she was the only Tanory to place in the top three in the Tanory Golden Globes contest.

The winner for Best Brother-in-law goes to...

My condolences to my other brosephs-in-law, Danny and Bobby 1 (I'm Bobby 2 in my wife's family), but I'm going to go with John Bobby on this one. The reason? John Bobby has to deal with my sister all day, every day. He can't even laugh at this blog for fear of retribution from You-Know-Who. Look, nothing against my sister, but I couldn't even lock eyes with her over breakfast when I was a kid without her going ape shit. JB's Golden Globes win, on top of his aforementioned Fantasy Football win, plus having to live with my sister give him an edge in this race - for now.

Word of warning, John Bobby: if you don't control your wife, and if she calls, texts and/or emails me complaining of this blog post, or if I get a forward, a Facebook rant, anything - I'm revoking your award as best brother-in-law.

Reba, you know I'm just kidding. You're a great sister. But seriously, God bless John Bobby.

The winner for Best Mother-in-law goes to...

Is this even up for debate? I'll put your mother-in-law up against my mother-in-law any day of the week. Technically my mom is John Bobby's mother-in-law, but she won the Best Grandmother Award (which was a technical award given out in a ceremony last week) so is ineligible to win this award. It's in the bylaws.

Grammy's feeling so good after her Golden Globes win that she's going to be trying her luck at the horse track on Thursday. I hope her being part of the Golden Globes trifecta will earn her a trifecta at the track!

So that's it, I've paid my dues. Now I just have to think of something for the winner of the Oscars, and it had better be good because I fully intend of taking back the crown for that contest.

More Proof that the World Revolves Around Me

noreply@blogger.com (Bobby) — Wed, 11 Jan 2012 05:07:00 +0000

Several years ago I wrote a blog stating that the world revolved around me. I used Galileo's Principle of Relativity (later expanded in Einstein's Theory of Relativity) to state how we measure motion relative to one another. I said that, from a General Relativity viewpoint, it's correct to say that the universe revolves around me - because from my vantage point it does! (I don't notice myself hurling through space, spinning as the Earth spins, etc.)

Well, now I have more fuel to add to my conjectural fire, and that fuel is called geodesics.

Basically, a geodesic is the generalization of a "straight line" when dealing with "curved spaces." It's part of General Relativity.

Let's review an example to see how geodesics work. Have you ever heard the saying that the shortest path between any two places on Earth is NOT a straight line, but is in fact a curve? It's true!

Let's say that you want to drive from Santa Monica, California, to Jacksonville, Florida. So of course you're on I-10. While driving along this route, you stop by the greater Baton Rouge area and pick me up so that I can discuss geodesics with you in between Meatloaf's Bat Out of Hell I and II CDs, which I've conveniently brought along, and which I annoyingly (says you) play on repeat.

Why Meatloaf, you ask? Because the world revolves around me and that's what I want to listen to right now. Now stop turning down the best piano parts, I'm trying to listen, dammit!

OK, so we're driving along I-10. Let's pretend that you didn't have to swerve to miss any potholes in Louisiana, or swerve to avoid (or hit) the jackass drivers in Texas. ("Drive friendly, the Texas way!") Let's also pretend that I-10 was perfectly straight.

So, once we complete our trip down a single highway connecting the West Coast to the East Coast, I ask you: "Did we drive in a straight line the whole way here?"

To which you answer, rather condescendingly I might add, "Of course we did! And you could have helped drive instead of bogarting all our Mickey D's!"

"But it's not a straight line at all, is it?" I ask, eating the rest of the fries which you've bought me because I forgot my wallet in Baton Rouge. "Because we drove along the Earth, and the Earth is a sphere, which means we drove along the outer edge of it. So we actually drove on a circular route, but we didn't complete the circle obviously. So we drove on a segment of a circle. It wasn't a straight line at all! You've failed geometry!"

"But! But!" No buts! You said we drove on a straight line, and I've proven that we haven't. And the idea that we could get to two places on a curve but think that we're on a straight line is the general concept of a geodesic.

And once we know that we can think in those terms, then it doesn't take much to add that the Earth is not only round, but is also spinning and wobbling. But to our eyes, we drove on a straight line.

Which is why geodesics explains why the Earth revolves around me. Or around you, for that matter!

It's all on how you view it.

The Curse of Playing LSU in a Bowl Game

noreply@blogger.com (Bobby) — Thu, 05 Jan 2012 04:32:00 +0000

Woe to all those Alabama fans: there's a curse for any team that plays LSU in a bowl game, win or lose.

Let's take a look at the facts, shall we?

Peach Bowl - Dec. 29, 2005. LSU destroys Miami, 40-3. In response to their team's poor showing, Miami fires four assistant coaches, causing Miami to suck for years to come. The following year, defensive tackle Bryan Pata was unfortunately shot and killed, several Miami players were suspended for a brawl, and Miami ended up playing Nevada in the MPC Computer Bowl (oh the humanity!). Recently, a Miami booster named Nevin Shapiro was busted for a Ponzi scheme where he used investor funds as donations to former players, resulting in 4 major NCAA violations.

Sugar Bowl - Jan. 3, 2007. LSU destroys Notre Dame, 41-14. Notre Dame reacts by firing several assistant coaches. (Sensing a theme here?) The next season, Notre Dames goes 3-9. Head coach Charlie Weiss is eventually fired. Notre Dame's football program has still not recovered to its former glory days. Recently, Daniel Ruettiger, the basis of the inspirational sports movie "Rudy," paid the Security and Exchange Commission $382,866 to settle a lawsuit claiming that he has scammed customers of an energy drink he was peddling.

BCS Title Game - Jan. 7, 2008. LSU beats Ohio State, 38-24 in the BCS Championship Game. Recently, Jim Tressel resigned as head coach amidst an NCAA investigation into him covering up the fact that some players were receiving impermissible benefits. Ohio State has been hit with a one-year bowl ban and the loss of nine football scholarships, and had to forfeit their entire 2010 season as well as their 2011 Sugar Bowl victory over Arkansas due to the violations. Also, Jim Tressel always looked ridiculous in his silly red vests.

Chik-Fil-A Bowl - Dec. 31, 2008. LSU destroys Georgie Tech, 38-3. I don't think Georgie Tech fired any of their coaches or had any terrible mishaps since then, but I did minimal research on them because, after all, it's Georgia Tech.

Capital One Bowl - Jan. 1, 2010. LSU loses to Penn State, 17-19. I had to work that day, but still wore my purple and gold golf pants to the office, because that's how I roll. Despite the fact that Penn State beat LSU, recently Joe Paterno has been fired for not doing more to stop assistant coach / pedophile Jerry Sandusky from "Sanduskying" children in the university's showers. Penn State president Graham Spanier was fired, and I just read that a secret memo outlining how the university plans on ripping off donors has been publicized, which is outraging donors. To top it all off, Joe Paterno's son states that JoePa has lung cancer. Penn State's reputation is basically tarnished forever.

Jan. 7, 2011 - Cotton Bowl. LSU destroys Texas A&M, 41-24. As a result, Texas A&M joins the SEC so that it can have its ass handed to them every year by the LSU Fighting Tigers.

So, to all of you Alabama fans out there... you should not be hoping that you'll beat LSU. (I don't think you will, but I think it will be a great game. It's always hard to beat the same team twice, especially with a coach as talented as Saban.) What you should be hoping for is that, win or lose, you somehow avoid the Curse of Playing LSU in a Bowl Game.

Judgement of Solomon

noreply@blogger.com (Bobby) — Tue, 03 Jan 2012 06:32:00 +0000

We all know the story of King Solomon, in particular the Judgement of Solomon where he says that he will split a baby in half because two women both claim that they're the mother of the baby. After Solomon says this, the real mom says to give the baby to the other woman, and then King Solomon knows that she's the real mom.

But what we don't know about King Solomon is if he would be able to survive in today's judicial system.

For starters, if Solomon worked in an American court and gave an actual judgement that a baby should be split in two, that would be the end of the verdict - until the judgement is immediately appealed. The case and verdict would be printed in a national press, the story would go viral, and instead of Solomon being deemed "wise" he would be be the recipient of vitriol, death threats and a YouTube montage.

He probably wouldn't be disbarred for ruling to dismember an innocent child, though. Remember the (dis)Honorable Roy Pearson, aka the Pants Suit Judge, who sued a dry cleaners for $54 million (originally $67 million) because he was guaranteed satisfaction and didn't feel satisfied? Yeah, they didn't even boot him off the bench - they just didn't reappoint him to his position.

Protestors would congregate outside the courthouse, holding signs accusing Solomon of murder. Concerned citizens would set up websites to take donations to cover the cost of going to court for one or more moms, while other websites would be set up to petition the government to remove Solomon from office.

Some peaceful protestors would be pepper-sprayed for not leaving the outskirts of the court even though they are sitting in public property, as is the norm nowadays.

#SolomonTheWise would become a new trend on Twitter, and would be used when someone says or does something incredibly dumb or misunderstood. A new website, Epic Solomons, would be set up in the same manner as Epic Fail. To come to a ridiculous conclusion concerning the death or dismemberment of an infant becomes known as Solomoning.

A white boy rap group gets 15 minutes of fame with a song called "It's All About the Solomoney," which goes viral on Facebook until everyone realizes that the kids who made the song were serious, at which point it becomes sad instead of funny.

Solomon would have to hire a PR firm to handle his public announcements. He's put on Paid Administrative Leave while his case is under review. A state agency takes the child into its wing until the case is finally closed.

In the end, a DNA test is done to determine the actual mother, although the father is unknown. Solomon later goes onto a daytime talk show where it is revealed that he is the father, which we all knew was likely because he had seven hundred wives and three hundred concubines. The dude was good with the ladies.

...

The power went out at my house while I was writing this. An ominous sign that maybe some higher power doesn't like my sense of humor! So let me say that if I've offended anyone then I'm sorry - this is meant to be a reflection on our culture and not King Solomon. There, now can I please get my power back? Blogging on my phone is too hard with autocorrect!

New Year's Resolution: 640x480

noreply@blogger.com (Bobby) — Tue, 03 Jan 2012 05:14:00 +0000

My New Year's Resolution is 640x480.

If you don't get the joke, then... congratulations! You are officially not a computer nerd like me.

So why did I choose 640x480 instead of a traditional resolution like, "Lose weight," "go to the gym" or "1024x768"?

640x480 is one of the oldest video resolutions and is on every computer monitor. When we software developers sit down to develop software, it has to run on 640x480 at a minimum (unless we're writing software for phones). That's why you sometimes see a lot of white space on the left and right side of the screen when you navigate to some websites - because they were written for 640x480 resolution. Annoying, right?

640x480 is the baseline. It's the minimum requirement. It's standard. It's the least common denominator.

It's what I aim to be this year.

Now I'm not saying that I want to fly under the radar, or fail to achieve greatness, or not do my fair share of work. It's just that every year I come up with a grand scheme of losing weight, eating better, exercising more, finally writing a book, finally writing that screenplay I've been thinking about (it's really awesome, by the way), finally revamping my website, etc.

And do I ever do any of those? Not really. Not for more than a week or two, anyway, or for a few hours.

And I feel absolutely fine about that.

So this year I'm not going to stress out about becoming something different. I'm not going to go crazy trying to shed that extra weight that I actually don't mind having. My website doesn't need updating - nobody goes to it anyway. I need to think up a great ending for my book (as well as a beginning and an end) so I should probably do that first before I start trying to find a publisher.

Screw all those overachievers. I'll try to achieve 1024x768 next year. But this year, I'm just going to be myself this year. I'm going to be 640x480.

The Tanory Tantrum's 2011 Christmas Letter

noreply@blogger.com (Bobby) — Sun, 25 Dec 2011 07:20:00 +0000

Dearest friends and family,

I hope this letter finds you well. 2011 was a great year for us Tanorys, as all years are that begin with a midnight groping.

January was action packed! For starters, I created a new blog, Stutter Step, which is mostly about my mad basketball skillz and only partly about my stuttering. I also started experimenting with different styles of haircuts, and ended up with what is commonly referred to as "The Beavis."

I also discovered that Blue Jean Jammies do not have a zipper or buttons in which to hold my junk in the proverbial trunk, and therefore you should NOT wear them out in a public setting, such as a grocery store. Sorry about that, Aisle 5.

February is notable for two major events in my life: I started taking piano lessons at Baton Rouge Music Studio, and I finally saw a movie called Rancho Deluxe which my granddad claims is the worst movie ever made. I also became an Academy Award winner when David Seidler accepted the Oscar for Best Original Screenplay for the King's Speech, since he said that he shares the award with all of the other stutterers in the world.

Booyah!

March brought along Betty's birthday as well as Mardi Gras, which is Betty's lunar birthday. We dressed up for Mardi Gras like we always do, and this year we chose a New Orleans theme: A Confederacy of Dunces. I dressed up as Ignatius J. Reilly, one of New Orleans's most beloved and cherished characters, but was only recognized by a single Japanese tourist. The rest of the family dressed up as Lucky Dogs and condiments, and generally got way more attention. As they should have!

In March I also starred in a commercial for a local car dealership. So what if it was only shown on the Richard's Honda Facebook page? It still counts! Speaking of Facebook, in March I started changing my birthday on Facebook to be the current date every day, and received hundreds of "Happy Birthday" messages twenty days in a row from the same people. I couldn't decide if I was happy or sad about that, so I changed it back to my real birthday, which is whatever date it is that you're reading this.

April brought about the demise of my blog (again), my daughter's third birthday, and a trip to Disney.

Disney truly was the happiest place on Earth, until Betty and Peter almost got eaten by a giant shark. They narrowly escaped by singing the It's a Small World song repeatedly, until the shark started singing it as well, at which point they swam out. That song is so addicting!

In April I also discovered that, if you're running out of space in your house, you can ship all of your clothes to the dry cleaners and they'll store them for free - after you pay for them to be cleaned, that is. I'm now accepting dry cleaning coupons, because I have another 20 square feet of vacuum-sealed clothes bags that need to get out of my closet and into a dry cleaner's storage, stat!

May was pretty amazing. My son turned one, which is incredible enough... but then he ate his entire birthday cake, which was the most amazing thing I've ever personally witnessed! Keep in mind, it's not like he just ate most of it, or a lot of it - he ate the entire thing! It was a Cake Apocalypse!

It was about as awesome as when the Navy Seals killed Bin Laden in a secret raid. And definitely more awesome than when I dressed up as a "Hot Nurse" for charity, and melted everyone's eyeballs in the process.

That picture made me start taking better care of myself, so I guess something good came out of it.

I was late for my family reunion in June because I had a massive hangover after attending a show by Mageez, my cousins' band. But that was OK, because later that month I went to my wife's family reunion in Atlanta, and got to go zip-lining.

My family, Betty's family... it's all the same, right? The main difference between our two families is that everyone in her family has two distinct eyebrows, whereas everyone in mine shares a single eyebrow.

By the way kids, learn from my mistakes and make sure that you wear underwear when you go zip-lining.

If "anything happened" in July then I missed it, except for when I created a method of using thermal imaging cameras to detect if a person is in fact Hot or Not. I also invented the Blip Cone, which is a combination of a dip cone and a Blizzard from DQ. I expect royalty checks, DQ!

August brought about the end of the NFL lockout and thus the start of the Fantasy Football season. That kept me thoroughly occupied until my cousin Michael knocked me out of the playoffs in December. My constant thinking about Fantasy Football also meant that I had less brain cells to think about the blog, so I quickly ran out of ideas and started writing poetry in a database language called SQL until I finally came to my senses and wrote about fun stuff, such as creating our own Claw game at the house.

Thankfully, September rolled around, so it was finally cool enough to go take a trip to City Park in New Orleans. My kids loved the life-sized elves...

And I liked the life-sized fairytale ta-tas!

And if I didn't have enough to think and write about, that quickly changed when Betty left me and the kids by ourselves for an entire weekend while she went to Houston for a bachelorette party. It was the first time that I'd been alone with both kids for an extended amount of time, and I'm proud to say that we didn't have to call Poison Control once! And in terms of our social life, Betty and I watched all 74 episodes of ABC Family's Greek on NetFlix and relived our glory days in LSU's Greek system.

October brought around Harvest season, and Betty thought it'd be a good time for me to plant something so that we could harvest it next year. So I conned my buddy Brannon into helping me build a garden in the back yard.

And of course by "helping me" I mean that he did all the work. Brannon and I also started the Couch to 5K program again only to stop running four weeks later (thankfully, since my knees hurt too much to run anymore!). The same week we quit running, we read about a 39-week preggers woman who ran a marathon. We would have felt like women, had feeling like a woman not meant that we could run a marathon while pregnant. Instead, we just felt like two out of shape old dudes. But as a consolation prize, we also got a behind-the-scenes tour of how the 13th Gate makes you crap yourself every Halloween.

Brannon's family also came Trick or Treating with us for Halloween! Peter was Pooh Bear, Annie was Piglet, Betty was Eeyore and I was a guy-in-Tigger-boxer-shorts-over-his-jeans.

In November, my two beautiful children showed off some newfound skillz: my daughter displayed her acting chops by appearing in the Baton Rouge General Foundation 2011 Thank You Video, and my son Peter showed off his ability to absorb food into his bloodstream via his skin while enjoying a great Thanksgiving meal at my parents' house.

In international news, the Arab Spring continued, Kim Kardashian divorced her husband of 72 days of marriage and Justin Bieber took a paternity test because an attention whore (who was NOT Kim Kardashian) claimed that Bieber was the father of her baby. My brother-in-law Danny and I went to see Stephen King in New Orleans, which was really cool, until a possessed bat bit a dog who then tried to bite me. Long story.

December also brought about my real birthday - but thanks to all my friends on Facebook, we've been celebrating since March. Thanks for the year-round birthday wishes!

Also in December, Betty and I went to our friend Emily's wedding in Charleston, and we loved the wedding and also loved Charleston. No, I mean we really, really loved Charleston. How much did we love Charleston? Well, let's just say that if Charleston has a baby 9 months from now, I may have to take a paternity test. We'll name our new city-baby Charles Tanory Land.

We've tried to keep our kids in line this December by deploying Clyde, our Elf on a Shelf. But my daughter Annie is too smart to fall for it. She said that Clyde was "just a toy" and didn't see why she couldn't sleep with him at her bedside. She's smart just like her momma - because I would have totally fallen for the Elf on a Shelf until I was in my mid-20's. In fact, Clyde might be watching me now, so I have to be good... Santa might be watching!

Merry Christmas, everybody!

Charleston, Part Two: The Wedding

noreply@blogger.com (Bobby) — Fri, 16 Dec 2011 06:29:00 +0000

My wife and mom both told me that they liked my previous blog post about Charleston, but considering that the whole point of our trip was to attend our good friend Emily's wedding, they were disappointed that there were no pictures of the actual wedding ceremony or reception.

I mean, come on! What did they expect? They know I'm a dude, right?

Betty was particularly upset that I chose to use this picture in that blog as well:

But honestly, she should have been happy that I didn't use this one:

So since I want to keep both Betty and my mom happy, and since I don't want to post any more incriminating pictures of my beautiful wife, I'm going to attempt to provide details of the wedding in the manliest way possible. And by that I mean, well... I don't know what that means. Just go along with it.

Charleston Redux!

So like I said before, our good friend Emily got married in Charleston. She's a radiologist, so she's basically got superhuman brainwaves. Emily married Thomas, who is a pilot in the military. If that's not cool enough for you, he's from Kentucky but cheers for LSU football.

Thomas, we love you.

To prove that Betty and I attended the wedding and that I was at least sober for a few minutes, here's a picture with me, Betty and Emily. I hope this appeases the ladies in my life.

The wedding ceremony and reception were held at a place in downtown Charleston called McCrady's. The actual ceremony was short and sweet, which is my favorite kind. (Betty says that I still have to go to church on Sundays after a wedding, but I can usually get out of it if the wedding had a mass.) It was a sit-down reception with the fantastic food from McCrady's. I got fish and Betty got steak, and then I ate all of my fish and all of Betty's steak while she was chatting with the other people at our table. Our table rocked, by the way!

Betty was a bridesmaid, and she and the other bridesmaids had a lot of fun together. I got to know some of the bridesmaids as well, and let me tell you, they could have had their own "Bridesmaids" movie, if you know what I mean. These girls are hilarious!

The wedding cake was a combination of cake and miniature cupcakes. This is a great idea for the next wedding that one of my friends and/or acquaintances wants to invite me to. It allowed everyone to get a taste of something without waiting for the cake to be cut, and it was fun getting to try all of the different flavors of cupcakes while we thought nobody else was looking.

As for me and my pink/purplish tie that I bought on the night of the wedding, we stuck with our favorite wedding drink: Tom Collins! (He's Shirley Temple's cousin.)

They didn't put grenadine in my Tom Collins which made it a manly drink for once. I need to remember to tell the bartenders at the other weddings that I intend to crash to leave out the grenadine. I had way too many Tom Collinses that night, but didn't figure that out until the morning.

After the wedding we hit up a place called "NV" (like, "Envy", or maybe "Nevada") in downtown Charleston. We had a great time. NV has an elephant statue in the middle of the top floor, so I convinced one of the other wedding attendees to ride it.

Then I took a picture of her and put it up on my blog. Sorry about that!

Thanks again, Emily and Thomas, for inviting us to your wedding! We love you both and wish you the best!

Happy Birthday to... Me?

noreply@blogger.com (Bobby) — Thu, 15 Dec 2011 05:07:00 +0000

Monday was my birthday, so imagine how thrilled I was to get this heartwarming email from my dad:

Happy B Day Todd

34 years young.

I love you.

Pop

Yeah, so... Todd is my brother, and his birthday is in a week and a half.

This is why I have middle child syndrome.

In all honesty, I thought it was hilarious! My dad was just trying to be the first one to wish me a Merry Birthmas and to beat my mom to the punch, but he got a little excited and got the wrong son. It's cool. At least he remembered that it was one of our birthdays. And who knows, maybe when he's old and senile, Todd and I can trick him into giving us each two birthday presents.

Don't worry, Dad. I still love you. But I'll love you more if you "accidentally" give me Todd's birthday and Christmas presents in addition to my own.

The Tanorys Invade Charleston

noreply@blogger.com (Bobby) — Wed, 14 Dec 2011 04:53:00 +0000

Betty and I went to Charleston for a wedding, and we had a blast. For starters, the city is beautiful: it looked and felt just like New Orleans, but without the garbage and transvestite strippers. It was like we were in a parallel universe!

They even have their own French Quarter! (But again, without the transvestite strippers, so how good could it really be?)

The second thing that we loved about Charleston is that the people there are incredibly friendly. They're probably the nicest people that I've ever met. We hear a lot of people who travel down to our part of Louisiana tell us how nice we are, but I can assure you that we're not nearly as nice as those South Carolinians. They were even nice about me Tiger Baiting them mercilessly the entire time that I was there.

Geaux Tigahs!

So about Chuckstown (as I call it) being clean: We got there on a Thursday morning and immediately noticed that the streets were immaculate. There wasn't a single piece of garbage anywhere. It was like the citizens of Charleston took pride in their city or something. Seriously, I think there's more garbage on my street than in the entire city of Charleston.

Well, we did find one piece of garbage - and old Coke bottle - but technically it was on our hotel room's balcony, so I guess that still counts towards there being no garbage on the ground. I added this bottle's top number to my "MyCokeRewards" account for 3 points. Jackpot!

We stayed at the Harbor View Inn, which - true to its name - had a great view of the harbor. It also had a great view of a cool fountain out by the docks.

Charleston is nicknamed the "Holy City" because it has so many churches. The top floor of our hotel had a little patio area that had a great view of the city. You can see a handful of church towers in the background of this next picture.

The city also has some great food. We spent about six hours on Thursday at an oyster bar called Pearlz (yes, with a Z), where we met up with all of our friends. The girls chatted while the guys watched the Steelers cream the Browns on the telly. I sang the theme song to "American Dreamz" the whole time I was there ("American Dreamz... Dreams - with a Z!") in honor of Pearlz's Z. The waitress probably wanted us to leave about five hours prior to when we actually did, but since she was from Charleston, she was way too polite to say anything.

You know us Louisiana folk... we'll stay until you kick us out.

Charleston also has some good pizza. We ate at a place called Monza and it was delicious. Here's me with a "Count Louis" pizza, in honor of Louisiana.

And while we never ate at the ice cream parlor right by our hotel, we did enjoy looking at the statue of the ice cream cone that looked like it had two massive knockers:

So what is there to do in Charleston except for eating, looking at fountains and Tiger Baiting the natives? Glad you asked!

Charleston is steeped in history, and I tried my best to see and do everything while Betty was busy doing bridesmaid-ish type things. My friend Michael and I went to the "Old Slave Mart", where we paid $7 each to read a bunch of stuff on the walls of a building. At no point did we ever see any slaves, nor could I sell my services as an indentured servant - which just goes to show you how times have changed, considering that South Carolina was the first state to seceded from the Union during the Civil War times due to the Yankees wanting to stop the slave trade. The Old Slave Mart did a good job of showing how slavery was a facet of everyday life back in those days - from the bankers who bankrolled plantation owners to the clerks who would draw up documents to buy and sell slaves.

What else is there to do in Chuckstown? Well, you could take your little honey on a carriage ride. I took mine on a Palmetto carriage tour, but there were several companies doing them. We got a price quote at several places and found that $19 was the going rate.

And don't worry about the horse poop... the horses wear diapers.

Yes, I really took a picture of that. Several pictures, actually, but that was the best one. I also took video of one of the horses peeing. If you're interested, give me a holla.

You can also go exploring the shops at one of several markets, or if you're like me, go take pictures with all the art displays.

Or you can visit the Powder Magazine, which is where Charleston used to keep all its ammo. Charleston used to be fenced in, and the Powder Magazine had ammo, guns, and a really sweet gift shop. The guy at the Powder Magazine even let me play with one of the old guns.

Don't worry, no Southerners were hurt during the making of that picture.

While in Charleston, you can also visit Fort Sumter. Fort Sumter is on an island - a man-made island, actually - and is where the first battle of the Civil War took place. After South Carolina seceded from the Union, Union soldiers infiltrated Fort Sumter in the dead of night. Once the people of South Carolina found out, they were pissed - because, you know, it was theirs now and not the Union's - and proceeded to shell Fort Sumter for 34 hours. And since the first shots rung out on about 4:30 in the morning and woke everyone in Charleston up, the people of Charleston just hung out on their porches and watched.

And now, for about $17 at 11:30 am and 2 pm, you can take this boat out to Fort Sumter!

Hey, it's only $10 more than the Old Slave Mart! The ride out there is 30 minutes, and you stay for about an hour. So a 2 hour trip for $17, plus you get a history lesson - not too shabby. Just bring a coat because it's windy.

In case you've never seen it, this is what Fort Sumter looks like from the outside:

And this is what it looks like on the inside:

And this is what it looks like when you rub your crotch up against one of its historic and immaculately preserved canons:

They said to not touch anything while we were in there, so you'll notice that there's about a half an inch worth of space between my dong and the canon. You're welcome, Charleston!

Speaking of canons, they had several canons there and you could look at them - and even inside them - if you were so inclined. For example, they had a 15-inch Rodman, which has possibly the best name of any canon ever made.

And, you know, for us white guys they had the 10-inch mortars. Nothing to be ashamed of, fellas.

My friend Michael and I wanted to take a closer look inside the canons, but I was too scared, so Michael did it for us.

I'll be honest, I was pretty surprised at how awesome Fort Sumter was. Imagine this: back in 1861, they had an elevator lift for people in wheelchairs...

and even had those cool handicap-accessible doors that open when you push a button outside the men's room!

No wonder the South Carolinians didn't want the Union to get this place! It must have been like a futuristic city back in those days!

The only time anybody in the entire state of South Carolina has gotten upset with anyone in the last 50 years is when I took a picture of my own picture that someone else had taken and photoshopped of me outside of Fort Sumter. I apologize to whoever's livelihood depended on me buying this picture... but you know, I could have just photoshopped myself onto a picture of Fort Sumter myself for free.

By the way, Fort Sumter is named after General Thomas Sumter, who fought so viciously against British soldiers that they nicknamed him the "Carolina Gamecock" - which is also the mascot of South Carolina's sports teams.

OK, this blog post is getting long, so I'll try to wrap up the rest of our trip in a million words or less:

One night we went to a bar called the Roof Top. It was literally at the top of a building and had access to the roof - but we were too cold to go onto the actual roof top. This building has an elevator with only two buttons - to floors One and Four. Yes, I know, I took a lot of weird pictures.

The night of the rehearsal dinner, I was in charge of rounding up party-goers for the second bus going to the dinner. But since I didn't know most of the people who would be attending, Betty made me this sign, which I would thrust in front of anyone in a 30-foot vicinity and ask if they were going to the Zerwas / Ritchie Wedding. Most of them weren't, but I almost convinced a handful of strangers to come with us.

The rehearsal dinner was at a BBQ place, which was a ton of a fun. The food was good, the band was rockin', and the bride's sister sang all of the words to "Don't Go Chasing Waterfalls" by TLC, including the rap part. I did a dance in an afro but none of my friends saw me. But the most amazing part of the night, besides the fact that we were celebrating the joining of two of our friends' lives, was a poster of a guy named Luke Cunningham, who apparently has a solo album called Heart Pressure. He's probably really great, but we couldn't stop laughing at a picture of him leaning back on a lounge chair at a pool with a tie and vest on.

The night of the wedding I realized that I had forgotten my tie. I did not fly across the country to attend a wedding for a doctor and a pilot (with a bunch of other doctors and pilots present) without a tie, so I walked to the nearest tie-dispensing store and bought one. I've never bought a tie for myself before, and really never look at them in the store since I hate wearing ties and therefore had no idea what a tie costs, but was shocked when the "tie table" had ties ranging from $89 to $129.

Seriously, guys! What are we doing paying so much for something that we all hate wearing! Ties should not be that expensive!

Instead of buying one of those, I told the guy that I wanted the cheapest one he had, and he sold me a pinkish / purplish tie for $28. Which worked out well, because everyone thought it was an LSU tie.

So... did we have fun at the wedding? You take a look at this picture and tell me if we had fun at this wedding or not.

Boom!

We caught a ride home from the airport with our friends Michael and Jen, and Michael's car had a flat tire. I took a picture of it, because, you know, it wouldn't be the worst thing that I'd taken a picture of this trip. (Did you click on the horse poop link? That's a picture of actual horse poop from our trip!)

We changed it in the manliest way possible, which was by fending off all offers of help from good Samaritans and instead doing it ourselves... which of course meant that we were putting our lives into our hands because I can barely hang a picture up on the wall much less change a tire. But we managed to get home safe and sound somehow.

Thank you, Charlestonians, for being so welcoming and friendly to us Louisianians! We'll gladly welcome you here anytime. And if you happen to go down to New Orleans and visit Bourbon Street, just be careful - some of those naked chicks in the street may actually be transvestite strippers!

The Huffington Post

noreply@blogger.com (Bobby) — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 06:01:00 +0000

I love reading the Huffington Post. Sure, it skews towards the liberal side of things, and yes, it mostly just links to other news sites and I have no idea why someone paid over $300 million for it. But I still love it... mostly for its idiosyncrasies.

For starters, I can also always count on the Huffington Post to provide me with my daily fix of porn, all while reading a respectable news site... because someone is always naked on the Huffington Post. In fact, when I first open up my Huffington Post iPhone app, I ask myself, "Who's Naked on the Huffington Post today, Bob?"

Today has a few articles dealing with nudity, for your viewing pleasure:

Scout Willis Poses in Assless Chaps (NSFW, unless you work in an assless chaps factory)
Lindsey Lohan's Playboy Cover Leaked Online
Selena Gomez, Justin Beiber on the Beach

By the way, why doesn't showing Selena Gomez and/or Justin Beiber half naked count as some sort of child porn or something? Leave the kids alone already!

The next thing that I was originally annoyed about, but now find funny, is that any mildly interesting news on the Huffington Post is always declared to be HUGE in all caps. Or if an actor predictably wants to direct a film, it's always a "major career move!!!" I can't find any recent examples, but if you read the Huffington Post then you know what I'm talking about.

The Huffington Post has an obsession with Ryan Gosling. I've never watched anything with the guy in it, but apparently he's talented, as the Ryan Gosling to actual news ratio is like 6 to 1. They also really love Rihanna - not as much as Ryan Gosling, of course, except for when there are nude photos of her.

And finally, the Huffington post loves Paul Krugman. If you don't know who he is then you obviously don't read either the Huffington Post or the New York Times. I don't actually read the Paul Krugman articles, but I assume that they're either very insightful and poignant, or filled with nudity and/or Ryan Gosling references.

Keep on keeping on, Huffington Post! I love you! Seriously! I get all of my news from you now, so please don't post things that make me go to another site. Stop all that silliness and just give me my news in one place and preferably with the photo slideshows that I love. Oh, all right, you can throw in one or two more Ryan Gosling articles as long as you even it out with a couple more naked Rihanna articles.

Screw the Government

noreply@blogger.com (Bobby) — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 05:37:00 +0000

I don't know if it's because I live in the South, or because of all of the Tea Party talk, the Occupy Wall Street protests or the election coverage, but I've suddenly got a new motto:

Screw the Government!

And by "screw" I mean "Make Sweet, Sweet Love to the Government!"

That's right, I'm randy for some political theater! Bring on the Judicial Branch!

Why do I like the Judicial Branch so much? Well, let me ask you a question: have you ever wondered what's under those judges robes? I bet it's just socks and a smile. It kind of makes me want to go assault and/or batter someone just to get in front of a judge. Of course I'm kidding! I would much rather trespass and rob someone's house than beat them up.

I kid! I kid! Of course that's not funny and is totally irresponsible of me to say that. I deeply apologize to all of you.

Because, you know, it really is disturbing to think that I like the Judicial Branch the best. Everyone knows that all those judges do anyway is just interpret the law. Psh! Come on! That's nothing! What about the people who put all of their time and energy into making the laws so vague and prone to being interpreted in various ways in the first place - the Legislative Branch!

That's right, where would we be without Congress? Well, without Vitter (R - LA), a certain brothel on Canal Street would be in dire financial shape. But I mean, in general?

Think about how many American lobbying jobs would be lost if we didn't have a pliable, malleable Congress to lobby! Our Congress keeps our unemployment rate below 10%. USA! USA! USA!

Of course, it's not the Legislative Branch gets all the credit for coming up with ludicrous laws that the be-robed Judicial Branch then has to decipher. No, because the President - who heads up the Executive Branch - can veto those laws if they're not crazy enough.

Personally, I like the Executive Branch the least. At least with the Legislative Branch you can occasionally watch people get into a fistfight - even if it's just a foreign nation's legislators. But with a single President... well, there's really not much there except long speeches that interrupt your football games, robo-calls from presidential campaigns, and the potential to affect the country for decades down the line due to domestic and foreign policy.

Boring!

But, the President does have a big white house. And have you ever seen the Washington Monument? In the immortal words of Austin Powers, "Does that make you horny, baby?!?"

I know it has that effect on me. Which is why my new motto is "Screw the Government!" I hope that humping state- and/or federally-owned buildings is not illegal because I'm in the mood for love... of my country!

Elf on a Shelf

noreply@blogger.com (Bobby) — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 04:45:00 +0000

We recently got the Elf on a Shelf, which we've heard is super fun and also extremely effective at keeping your children on their best behavior during the holiday season. If you don't know what the Elf on a Shelf is, it's basically a toy elf that you put in different places each morning so that your kids think it's moving around and watching them, reporting their every move to Santa. There's a book that goes along with it that explains why the elf can't talk to the kids, why the kids shouldn't touch it, etc. It's really cute.

Unfortunately, my daughter, Annie, is too smart for her own good. She's having none of it.

When it was time for bed, Annie asked if she could bring the elf - whom she named Clyde - to bed with her. She's already got around 50 books in her bed as well as 20 stuffed animals, so she just assumed that she could bring Clyde to bed with her, too. But if she did that then we couldn't put Clyde in a new and exciting place for her to find in the morning. So when we told her no, at which point she screamed and cried.

"WHY!?!?!" she screamed. It was really sad. "OH WHY???"

We hugged her and tried to console her. "Clyde has to go back to Santa's workshop tonight, baby," we told her. "He has to tell Santa what a good girl you've been."

That would make any three and a half year-old happy, right?

Her response: "But he's just a toy!"

Touche'!

We've placed Clyde on our mantle for Annie to find in the morning. She will either laugh and think it's hilarious... she'll be noncommittal, because after all, he's "just a toy"... or she'll rage and froth like the Tasmanian devil, practically climb up the wall and/or throw things at Clyde to knock him down, and then try to take him to school with her.

And who knows, Betty and I might even get a stern fussin' from her about not playing with her toy. We might even make Santa's naughty list this year!

Planetary Naming Convention

noreply@blogger.com (Bobby) — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 03:13:00 +0000

Why are the planets named after Roman gods? Didn't the people who discovered and named these planets know that the Roman gods were just hacked copies of the Greek gods?

I've decided that I'm going to call all of the planets by their Greek names. Here's a list of them, in case you've forgotten your Greek or haven't read the Percy Jackson series lately.

Mercury - Hermes. You might remember him as the god in Disney's Hercules that Paul Shaffer voiced. Hermes is the messenger of the gods. I like to think of him as the Instant Messenger of the gods, but without all the cheesy emoticons.

Venus - Aphrodite. As in, Mighty Aphrodite. She's the goddess of love, or as I like to call her, the goddess of sweet, sweet love. Yeah, baby!

Earth - Well, Earth isn't named after a Roman god. So we can leave this one as Earth. But if I could suggest a new name for it, it would be Optimus Prime or Thundercats.

Mars - Ares. Ares is the god of war. I say we should blow it up. That'll teach it who's boss!

Jupiter - Zeus. Did you know that there's already a planet named Zeus? I didn't, until I started writing this blog. Since nobody except the guy who named that planet knows that it even exists, I say that Jupiter is fair game to be called Zeus.

Saturn - Kronos. Technically, Kronos was a titan and not a god, which is weird because the gods were children of the titans. It's like the whole chicken and the egg argument. If the gods are children of titans, then are the titans gods? And are the gods then titans?

Uranus - Ouranos. Actually, you know what? I think we should keep this one as Uranus. We'd lose too many good jokes if we didn't.

Neptune - Poseidon. Poseidon was the god of the sea as well as of horses, because the Greeks thought that the ocean's waves looked like horses or something. The Greeks must have smoked a lot of hallucinogens.

Pluto - Hades. Technically, Pluto is another Greek name for Hades, but I like the name Hades better. Pluto was a planet when I was a kid, but then scientists discovered an object that they named Eris (which, by the way, is the Greek goddess of strife and discord) which is big but not really planet-sized, so then they decided that if Eris wasn't a planet then Pluto wasn't a planet either. Well, screw scientists, I still consider Pluto a planet. And screw Eris, too. (Eris isn't offended by that - once again, Eris was the goddess of strife.)

And if you want to be fancy, you can call the sun Helios and the moon Selene. Because, you know, chicks really dig that.

Eating by Osmosis

noreply@blogger.com (Bobby) — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 02:54:00 +0000

There are foods that are actually good for you if you rub them all over your face. Don't believe me? It's true! Reader's Digest even has this article about it!

This came to no surprise to my son, Peter, who routinely smears food all over his face and hair. It's like he already understands, even at one and half years old, that these foods - besides being delicious - also have healing and/or moisturizing powers.

Now, it very well may be that he doesn't completely understand which foods are good to rub all over one's body, as he seems to rub everything all over himself. I consider this trial and error, and I'm all for it. How else is he going to learn?

The Reader's Digest article that I linked to earlier in the blog... well, Peter could have told them that several of those ingredients were good for you. He knows this because he recently smashed a banana-flavored cupcake all over himself and rubbed it throughout his hair. He was practically massaging his scalp with the icing. And what's in a banana-flavored cupcake? Banana, egg and milk - three of the nine ingredients listed in the Reader's Digest article.

You can see more of Peter and his adventures smearing food all over himself at his very own website, Pete of the Day.

Shushed!

noreply@blogger.com (Bobby) — Tue, 29 Nov 2011 04:22:00 +0000

I love to sing. I'm horrible at it but that doesn't stop me from crooning in the key of screech. I sing all the time - at home, in my car, in the shower. I sing so often that sometimes I forget that I'm even singing.

But yesterday while changing my son's diaper, he reminded me that not only was I singing but that I suck at it.

I was singing something ridiculous, like the "Fa la la la la" part of Deck the Halls as loudly and obnoxiously as possible, when my one year old son points at me and screams, "Nooo!!!"

I stopped singing my opera rendition of Christmas carols and looked down at him. Then, while smiling, put his finger up to his lips and shushed, "Shhhh!"

Everyone's a critic.

He's repeated this action several times now, and will now even shush Betty, so it's become a game to sing as annoying as possible so that he'll shush us.

On the bright side, I am no longer allowed to sing lullabies. So the joke's on him, because now he just gets put in bed.

Fa la la la la, little dude!

Sexy Christmas Songs

noreply@blogger.com (Bobby) — Mon, 28 Nov 2011 05:25:00 +0000

Thanksgiving is over, so once you drop the extra 5 pounds you put on over the holiday, you'll be back to your fighting shape and ready to curl up next to the fireplace and make sweet, sweet romantic overtures towards your little honey (but will probably be rejected). To help set the mood, here are 5 classic Christmas songs that I'm retitling to be more of an adult persuasion.

Jingle Balls
Yeah, I know, this one was easy. You can pretty much take anything with Bells or Halls in it (I'm looking at you, Deck the Halls) and turn it into "balls." But in order to set the mood correctly, consider wrapping your package with bells so your lady-friend can hear some nice ringing when she punches you in the nuts when you give her "yourself" instead of jewelry.

Frosty the Blow Man
For those out there who are into that kind of thing.

It's the Most Wonderful Time in my Pants
See what I did there? I changed "of the year" to "in my pants," in case you didn't catch that. It's a lot funnier if you sing it out loud. Go ahead, try it!

Your Body is a Winter Wonderland
You can either retool the original classic, or you can insert the word "Winter" into John Mayer's "Your Body is a Wonderland." Either way, this will either get you some lovin' from your honey, or you will fail miserably and will spend the night alone on the couch or even outside. Remember, folks: high risk equals high rewards.

Here Comes Santa Claus (original name)
I didn't change anything with this song title. It's funny enough as it is.

I hope you've enjoyed this list of romantic Christmas songs. Enjoy making up your own! If you feel the need, please leave a comment with your own titles.

Happy Thanksgiving!

noreply@blogger.com (Bobby) — Thu, 24 Nov 2011 03:28:00 +0000

Happy Thanksgiving from the Tanory Tantrum!

In honor of Thanksgiving, I'd like to share a handful of ways that you and your family can enjoy this holiday season.

Thanksgiving: You gather around the table with your immediate and extended family, say a prayer of thanks, then massacre a turkey. As you bite into a succulent piece of white meat, your mind starts to wander, and you think about how all that cornbread got all up inside that turkey's butt in the first place.

Spanksgiving: Spanksgiving is like Thanksgiving, except instead of sitting around with family, eating a huge meal and giving thanks for all of the good things in our life, Spanksgiving involves firmly spanking your loved ones as they walk by you. You might also be wearing Spanx. You can read more about it here.

Cranksgiving: Your kids are tired, which makes them cranky, which makes your wife cranky, who takes her aggression and frustration out on you, which of course makes you cranky. You then become a terrible person to talk to, which makes everyone else cranky, because they all flew in from all over the country to spend the day with you. If you are celebrating Cranksgiving then you are being a Crankenstein. Which leads me to...

Franksgiving: This one has two meanings. It could be either: 1) You went to your cousins' band's gig the night before Thanksgiving and show up to your aunt's house late, hungover, stinky, and generally in a bad mood. When someone talks to you, you respond with grunts. Your head hurts when you look at any bright lights, so you walk around very slowly with your arms out in front of you so that you don't run into anything. You are basically the equivalent of Frankenstein at Thanksgiving, and therefore the day becomes known as Franksgiving; or 2) You celebrated Thanksgiving at Frank's in Prairieville. Not a bad way to spend Thanksgiving, as long as you bring us back some biscuits.

Skanksgiving: You're lonely and don't have anyone to spend Thanksgiving with, so you call one of your skank friends and invite him or her over for dinner. You eat a frozen turkey meal, make out, then call it a night. You later find out that you've contracted a venereal disease.

Stanksgiving: You haven't showered in six days yet still show up to your mom's house and expect everyone to not only pretend to be happy to see you, but to also hug you - which of course they don't do, because your hair looks like someone dumped a bowl of gravy in it. You stink so much that you transcend stinkiness until people say that you "stank." You sit by yourself, outside, alone on the patio, and even the dog won't go near you. You still enjoy a pleasant day full of great food and get your weekly dose of Vitamin D, so it turns out to be an OK day.

Flanksgiving: This one has a double meaning as well. It could mean either: 1) You're eating flank steak instead of turkey for Thanskgiving, because Winn-Dixie was having a two-for-one flank sale that you just couldn't pass up; or 2) You've outflanked your opponent in war and are about to destroy their cavalry, after which you will eat all of their rations and livestock - some of which are turkeys.

Banksgiving: You celebrate Thanksgiving with someone who works in the banking industry. You pay a 2% hidden fee for attending the feast, $1.99 for access to a restroom, and get a free toaster for signing up to help with next year's Thanksgiving dinner.

Shooting Blanksgiving: You've just had a vasectomy and your "giblets and gizzards" have just healed so that you can now get it on with your wife again. You've just eaten a huge Thanksgiving meal and are cuddling up with your wife, when "ding!" the "oven timer" goes off and you're now making sweet, sweet "apple pie" in your "kitchen." If your wife becomes pregnant, that either means that the kid is not yours or that your vasectomy didn't work. You will then look back at this Thanksgiving meal and wonder what life would have been like had you not eaten that second helping of turkey, broccoli casserole, carrot souffle and mashed potatoes.

Shranksgiving: You spent the morning in the pool, and while changing into regular clothes for the Thanksgiving meal, a hot girl walks in on you. She laughs at the size of your shrunken manhood, to which you reply, "I was in the pool!" You are George Costanza.

Tanksgiving: Your neighbors have a huge Thanksgiving meal with tons of family and friends - some of whom are parked in your driveway and even in your lawn. Not only did your neighbors forget to ask if their guests could park in your yard, but they didn't even invite you to Thanksgiving. You exact revenge by running their cars over with a tank.

Anhksgiving: You are an Egyptian god and carry around an anhk while eating a turkey dinner with some crocodiles on the Nile.

Pranksgiving: You invite everyone to come to your house for Thanksgiving. Your family flies in from all over the entire continental United States to be there with you and each other on this special day. While everyone is at your house, a horde of pranksters - which you've hired - are going around to their houses putting up For Sale By Owner signs in their yards and foreclosure notices on their doors.

Yanksgiving: We're all adults here... I shouldn't have to explain this one. Can be combined with Skanksgiving, Shooting Blanksgiving and/or Spanksgiving.

Happy Thanksgiving, everybody!

Stephen King, Live at Sacred Heart

noreply@blogger.com (Bobby) — Thu, 17 Nov 2011 06:13:00 +0000

Last week I got to do something pretty cool and potentially terrifying: I got to see Stephen King do a book reading, live at Sacred Heart in New Orleans.

My broseph-in-law Danny got me hooked on King's Dark Tower series, which is more in the fantasy realm and less in the "oh no I crapped my pants" horror realm. Danny saw that King was coming down to New Orleans, so we had no choice but to go.

Here's what I knew of Stephen King going into this book reading:

1. He's written a ton of scary stuff that has been the single biggest reason why I am afraid of clowns, rabid dogs, rabid bats, pet cemeteries, and girls named Zelda (other than the one in the Legend of Zelda games).

2. He likes baseball.

3. He lives in Maine.

What I didn't know about Stephen King was that he's frickin' hilarious! Seriously, the first 30 minutes of his talk was really a stand-up comedy routine. We laughed, we cried (for fear that if we didn't then he would write a scary story about all of us in some other dimension), we cheered.

I took notes on my phone while I was listening to him speak, and here are some of the bullet points that I jotted down:

1. This was his first time to New Orleans, although he's said that he's been to N.O. several times in his mind because he reads great writers such as James Lee Burke.

2. He ate beignets and loved them. He also said, "Who dat!" (But he ultimately likes the Patriots more than the Saints. He's forgiven, since he's from the northeast.)

3. What scares Stephen King? Public speaking! At least, that was the case when he first started speaking publicly. He's actually a really great public speaker. He also hates snakes, spiders, and has a fear of getting trapped in an elevator (although I guess it depends on who is trapped in there with you). Also, works by Ruth Rendell are to Stephen King what the works of Stephen King are to us. (Ie, scary.)

4. He's a former schoolteacher. He got the idea for his current book (11/22/63, in stores now) while in the break room at his former school, when someone asked, "What would the world be like if JFK hadn't been shot?" He told stories about how 11/22/63 is the date that JFK was shot, and how that was his generation's 9/11. (Everyone knew where they were when they found out about JFK, the date is instantly recognizable to that generation, etc.)

5. He wrote a novella called "The Body" which was later adapted as the film "Stand By Me." Who knew?!? And since he also wrote "The Stand", that gave me the idea for a Stephen King mash-up called "The Stand By Me" - a post-apocalyptic horror/fantasy novel about the end of the world which also includes a pie eating contest where a fat kid pukes.

He read from his new book and then took questions from the audience. Some of the questions were about sequels to his previous books, to which he replied that a sequel to the Shining (called Dr. Sleep) and a new Dark Tower book (The Wind Through the Keyhole) will be coming out soon. The new Dark Tower book fits in between books 4 and 5.

The most interesting part of the talk was when King was describing his research for 11/22/63, and about how he traveled to all sorts of different places and about how times have changed. He read from a part of the book that describes Dallas back in the late 50's and early 60's, and it doesn't sound like a very pleasant place. But let's face it, it's Texas... how good could it be? (I kid, I kid!) He said that he found Dallas to be a nice place now, but it was interesting hearing about the way things were back then.

I've seen a couple of really great authors - Khaled Hosseini and David Sedaris stand out - but seeing Stephen King was a really great experience. And I'm not just saying that because if I don't then I'll have dreams about a terrifying clown or that a witch doctor will put a spell on me and make me turn so thin that I waste away. Or maybe that is why I'm saying it. Either way, it was great! Go see him if you get the chance, and if he's not coming anywhere around you anytime soon, then check out his new book - 11/22/63.

Baton Rouge General Foundation 2011 Thank You Video

noreply@blogger.com (Bobby) — Tue, 15 Nov 2011 04:53:00 +0000

My daughter Anne is on her way to stardom! She's been included in a video for Baton Rouge General, a hospital here in town. The video was created to be shown at an event for Baton Rouge General, so it wasn't on TV or anything - but now that it's been uploaded to YouTube, I guess it's fair game for me to include on my blog. Also, our good friend Nicolvin helped create and cast this video, so if you're looking for a good casting agent, I think I can hook you up.

Anne doesn't have any lines and you can only see her profile for a few seconds towards the end of the video, but hey, she's only 3! If you're a movie director and are interested in casting a child for the next highly rated family sitcom, look no further!

Here's the video. Enjoy! And a big Thank You to the great people at Baton Rouge General. Watching this video really makes me thankful for all of the great healthcare services here in town.

Link: http://youtu.be/TQWx808l6IU

Woman Mistakes Offensive Coordinator's Play For Love Note

noreply@blogger.com (Bobby) — Wed, 09 Nov 2011 05:43:00 +0000

Talia Jacobsen, a 26 year-old graduate student, was smitten upon finding Paul Hendricks, her boyfriend of three months and also the offensive coordinator for the Harry Johnson Middle School's varsity football team, writing X's and O's on a large white board in his office with a black dry-erase marker.

According to Tantrum reporters, Talia is quoted as saying, "He must be composing a beautiful love note for me! Just look at all those X's and O's! Wow, I bet he's going to call me into his office later and propose while I take in a beautiful poem written in his hand on the whiteboard! I have to go call my mom!"

But upon further investigation, the Tantrum found out that Hendricks was using the typical X's and O's to denote the the 4-3 defense in order to show starting quarterback Bo Hannessy how to understand and read different defensive coverages in order to call audibles at the line of scrimmage.

"Talia?" Hendricks said. "Yeah, she's a sweet girl. I'm also seeing two of her best friends."

As of the time of this publication, no word has been given on whether Talia was disappointed at finding out that no love note was being written, or if Hannessy had finally mastered the art of the audible.

Justin Bieber Revises Lyrics to Baby Song for Alleged Baby Mama

noreply@blogger.com (Bobby) — Tue, 08 Nov 2011 05:22:00 +0000

Amidst the ongoing Bieber Baby saga, Justin Bieber has revised the chorus to his song Baby to go from this:

And I was like baby, baby, baby, oh
Like baby, baby, baby, no
Like baby, baby, baby, oh
I thought you'd always be mine

to this:

It's not my baby, baby, baby, nooo
Not my baby, baby, baby, noooo
Not my baby, baby, baby, noooo
You knew you'd never be mine

I thought of these amazing lyrics while reading a story on the Huffington Post about how Bieber's accuser, Mariah Yeater, previously accused her ex-boyfriend of being the father of her child. And I thought, wow, this girl really is in a bad place. I mean, if Justin Bieber was going to pull someone aside after a concert and tell her he was going to bang her, it probably wouldn't be Mariah Yeater. No offense, but seriously, any Bieber fan knows that he only bangs redheads after concerts.

OK, so maybe this isn't the most inspired blog post ever. But you know, it could have been worse: I could have tattooed the lyrics to Baby on my thigh, like this person! Or maybe that would have been better.

Hmm... I think I've just thought of a new blog post! Now who's willing to pony up some dough for a tattoo?