Colleen Derksen is an Empowered to Connect trainer. She blogs regularly on her site Growing Pains, and she allowed us to share this post on fear, “Fear is poison. What is the antidote?”:

A number of years ago I read part of a book entitled “Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway.” The premise of the book, articulated so succinctly in the title, was that we can conquer fear by being brave. Once we force ourselves to let go of our fear and do the thing that needs doing, we’ll find we didn’t have that much to fear after all, which will lead to less fear in the future. (I’m sure there was more to the book than that, but it’s been a while and that was my take-away!) At the time, I figured that was true – many of our fears are irrational and without foundation, so challenging them head-on seemed wise.

I’m questioning that premise these days. I still believe there’s truth there, and I put it in to practice every time I go to the zoo with my kids. It goes something like this: Snakes. [shudder] “Hey, guys! Look at that one curled up around the tree!” As I face this particular fear, it is fading a bit. I still have zero desire to get close to a snake, but I can at least look at one behind glass without feeling panicky!

My question has to do more with the ultimate cure for fear. Since we first started learning about Empowered to Connect and the needs of our children, we have learned a lot about the chronic and pervasive effect of fear on an individual. And the more we learn about our kids, the more we realize how fear-driven they can be. One of our children is easily startled and can be very fearful of things that don’t seem to warrant such a strong fear response. We have learned that saying things like, “Don’t be silly! There’s nothing to be afraid of – just do it!” is not a helpful strategy. The part of his brain that could respond to logic is basically off-line when he’s afraid. The fear is real and paralyzing in that moment. Suggesting that we don’t believe he has anything to be afraid of communicates that we don’t really understand him or have empathy for him. This will reduce his ability to trust us, decreasing the likelihood that he will come to us for help the next time he’s afraid. This is not our goal! We want our kids to feel so secure in our love that they’ll come to us with their hurts and fears so we can figure it out together. We want them to know that we will acknowledge their fear, comfort them, then walk with them as they face whatever obstacle is in their path.

I believe trust is the only lasting cure for fear. As our kids trust that they are safe to share their fears with us, they will find comfort in our presence and an increased confidence to face their fears. The awesome thing about this is that it’s exactly how God deals with us when we’re afraid! I started to think of examples in the Bible when people are afraid and God invites them to trust Him, and many came to mind. One is Moses at the burning bush in Exodus 3 - Moses had good reason to be afraid, but God didn’t try to talk Moses out of his fear; He responded by displaying His power and assuring Moses of His presence. In 2 Kings 6, when the king of Aram sends his army to take out Elisha and Elisha’s servant cries out in fear, God once again displays His power, enabling the servant to see the angel armies all around him. When Jesus invites Peter to walk on water in Matthew 14, Peter has a legitimate fear of drowning. Again, the message from Jesus is, ”I’m right here! You can trust me!”

In all of these examples, it was not forced bravery but the presence of God that made all the difference. In the same way, I believe we must be present for our children and be a safe place for them to share their fears; then they can learn to trust and let go of their over-developed fear responses. And, as always, I am learning at least as much as I’m asking my children to learn… I’ve found myself fighting fear often over the last couple of months. As I have surrendered my fears to God and trusted in the presence of His Holy Spirit, I have found peace and confidence. The reasons to be afraid might still be there, both for us and for our children, but we can learn to trust in God’s presence, and find that His perfect love drives out fear. Every. Single. Time.

*For more on the fear factor when parenting children from hard places, please read this excellent article from Empowered to Connect:

Learning to Trust and Let Go of Fear « Empowered To Connect

It is critically important for parents to remain focused on what it means to be successful as they navigate the adoption or foster care journey. Watch as Amy & Michael Monroe share their insights about how to measure success on this journey.

As an adoptee, I have my story.  I love my story. I love that I am still learning bits and pieces of my story, even at the age of 51. But just as every adoptive and foster family’s story is different, so too is every adoptee’s story. When I am with teens who were adopted I have the opportunity to hear the losses they’ve experienced, the challenges they face, and their joy in finding a place and a family where they belong. 

I hear the differences in our stories, even as I hear the similarities too. There are events, circumstances, and experiences that bind us together.  Yet we do not have to really say how our stories are different. We know it, and we rejoice and empathize as we hear the beautiful and sometimes heartbreaking realities of those differences. I love that Tapestry sees this need for adoptees (of all ages).  I love that the Tapestry community is seeking to become a safe place for adoptees to find and use their voices — and a place where others are invited to ‘listen in.’

Last week, I had the opportunity to attend the Christian Alliance for Orphan’s Summit in Nashville, Tennessee. It was my first Summit. I sought out sessions that gave voice to adoptees. I had the opportunity to hear many voices and, although some of the voices were familiar ones, I was able to hear their stories in more detail and with a different perspective. One of those voices was Carissa Woodwyk.

Michael and Amy Monroe met Carissa last year and they introduced her to the Tapestry community at the Listen to Our Hearts event last fall. Carissa spoke last week to over 2500 attendees at Summit and she spoke in a way that challenged every person in the room — professionals, adoptive parents, foster parents, pastors, church ministry leaders, and adoptees.  In just 13 brief minutes she silenced this large gathering as they accepted her simple, yet challenging invitation — to listen. When she finished the entire audience rose to the their feet with applause.  It was overwhelming and beautiful.  The voice of the adopted person in all of its honestry, pain, beauty, and hope was given an opportunity to be heard and people listened. 

In the days to come we will continue to invite people to listen to the voice of the adopted person.  But for now, I invite you to ‘listen’ to what Carissa wrote about her experience at Summit.  I encourage you to read Carissa’s blog, and I encourage you to really absorb her words.  Our hope is that Carissa will be with us again at this year’s Tapestry Conference in October 2013, and I hope you will plan to attend to hear her for yourself. Although her story is unique and she shares her heart in a way that only she can, she touches other adoptees, including myself, with her honesty and her grace.  Like I said, there is always value in being connected to those who are experiencing similar circumstances or have gone through similar life events so you can share and learn information, ideas, hopes, and fears.

You don’t have to wait until the 2013 Tapestry Adoption and Foster Care Conference to her Carissa and the honest voices of other adoptees.  Visit the Tapestry Store to purchase the 2-hour DVD of Listen to Our Hearts, featuring the ‘voices’ and stories of 14 adoptees, including Carissa Woodwyk, mine, Melanie Chung-Sherman, and others.

I looked around and saw each child sitting still, each child doing exactly what their parent asked – except mine. I only saw children too young to be in school not sitting and talking. The first question I wondered is, “How am I not getting a call from the Mother’s Day Out program every day?” And my next thought was that parents were watching and labeling me as an inadequate parent; my child varied between doing the fetal position in her chair, falling out of her chair, and whispering non-stop questions and comments – it was maddening to me. In reality was anyone paying close attention to me and my child in the back row? Probably not, but I felt very acutely the embarrassment of a teacher and trained parent with a child who wouldn’t listen, who wouldn’t conform.

Then on Sunday, this passage from John 21:20-22 was read:

“Peter turned and saw that the disciple whom Jesus loved was following them … When Peter saw him, he asked, ‘Lord, what about him?’ Jesus answered, ‘If I want John to remain alive until I return, what is that to you? You must follow me.’ “

“What is that to you?” What is it to you if your child is the one wriggling in their seat asking nonstop questions? What is it to you if you are a teacher and your kid struggles more than others in school? What is it to you what the other kids are doing?

Forget the others. What does your child need?

My child needed to know the plan. My child needed me to set expectations of what was going to happen at kindergarten round-up. My child needed me to explain what was going on again because she wasn’t getting it. My child needed me to focus on her and stop worrying about what all the other children and parents were doing.

So, I wonder, does comparison ever do a number on you? If so, what does that comparison cause you to miss?

The specials needs section covers cerebral palsy, cleft lip and palate, congenital heart disease, Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, Low Birth Weight, and severe malnourishment. Adoption Nutrition gives an overview of each condition and identifies struggles and/or strategies. If this is something you and your child lives with or you just have other questions about nutrition and feeding and looking for information and a place to start, take some time to check out adoptionnutrition.org.

We moved out of our old house and moved in with in-laws (Grammy and PaPaw) for a couple days, and then moved into our new home. We moved a lot. We went through a lot of transitions.

Throughout all the transitions, I noticed something interesting. Our youngest kept asking for her “birdies” — an owl mobile that hung over her crib her whole life. At first we were surprised because we didn’t know she was attached to the mobile, but then I realized it wasn’t about the birdies at all.

She was asking for a sense of home. Her birdies were just a means to an end — her way of orienting herself to a particular place.

I was retelling this story to a friend of mine who is also an adoptive mom, and she had been through a similar experience with one of her children. Her daughter was having a difficult time transitioning to her new home, so my friend called the previous home the child had been in and asked to come get some of the child’s things. When my friend’s daughter had her things back, she was able to handle the transition better.

Part of caring for our kids is paying attention to what they’re asking for as well as why they’re asking. In the midst of tough times or significant transitions, our kids may ask for seemingly trivial items or activities. While it might be more convenient for us to put aside those requests and forge ahead, it’s important to remember that our children are really asking for a sense of home. Whenever possible, let’s find ways to give that sense of home, that sense of safety and comfort, in the familiar things.

If you can’t make it to an Empowered to Connect Conference, you can get great resources like audio, videos, and articles at empoweredtoconnect.org, and you can find out more about Empowered to Connect Parent Training. Also, don’t forget to check out etcstore.org for DVDs, study guides, and books.

In less than a month it will be time to honor the women in our lives; our mothers, our grandmothers, wives, foster mothers, and those who have been like a mother to us. Mother’s Day is May 12thand we know no amount of flowers, chocolates, plants, or lunch plans can let the mothers in our lives know how much they truly mean to us.

This year we have a great gift idea for you!  Starting today, Beyond Adoption, an initiative of Tapestry, is launching a child sponsorship program for children living in Bungoma, Kenya. What better way to honor the woman in your life who has loved you and seems to have an endless love for others than to sponsor a child in her honor?

The Beyond Adoption team met these children last year, learned about their needs, and have committed to making a difference in their daily lives.  Bungoma, Kenya is a district in the Western Province of Kenya (bordering Uganda) with an economy based on agriculture. Poverty, AIDS, malaria, and other diseases have caused the loss of many lives, and, therefore, many orphans. However, international adoption will not be the answer for these children, yet they are our children.  We have been called to serve and care for them, and Beyond Adoption is committed to help us answer this call.

Each of the children we are requesting sponsorship for attend The Madeline School in Bungoma. This school provides them with an education and one meal a day. For many of these children, this is the only meal they receive.  For $36 a month you will not only be providing for the daily needs of the child you sponsor.  You will also receive a photo and information about the child you sponsor.

So, in less than five minutes you can have your Mother’s Day shopping finished!  Just visit www.beyondadoption.org and click the sponsorship link. You will be taken to a page where you can choose the child you wish to sponsor.   What better way to honor the mother in your life than to extend her love, nurture and care for a child in need?

If you need more information or are interested in how you can get involved in serving orphans and vulnerable children through Beyond Adoption, please contact info@beyondadoption.org,

Upon request, an acknowledgment card will be provided for you to give to your loved one.  Please send an email to info@beyondadoption.org with the number of acknowledgment cards you need.

Then while we were in the waiting room. An adult asked of my oldest daughter, “Are you sisters?” She said, “Yes.” In the span of ten minutes, they both asserted that they are sisters, and they didn’t need any help from me. I hope that as they continue to grow their friendship will grow beyond the spats over which show to watch, who gets to sit by daddy, and who had the pop star microphone first. I hope that they will be each other’s champion.

What hopes and dreams do you have for your children?