The Ted Lilly Fan Club

Ted Lilly Fan Club Bold Off-Season Prediction #2: Cubs Sign Pedro Martinez As 5th Starter

noreply@blogger.com (Official Ted Lilly Fan Club) — Thu, 07 Jan 2010 20:10:00 +0000

Seriously--how is this a bad idea? Clearly, our top four spots are set with Ted as the ace, followed by Big Z, Nanuck of the North Dempster and the Randy Wells Band.

First things first, Tom Gorzelanny is not our 5th starter. At most, he's a long relief guy. Best thing that he's good for is making references to him as "Sloth" from the Goonies.

Second, let's put aside those ideas about signing Ben Sheets and his bum shoulder to a one-year incentive-laden deal--once a Brewer, always a Brewer. We don't trust this kid any further than we can throw him and, with our shoulder, we shouldn't be throwing anyone. Of course, we said the same thing about Edmonds and we all know how that turned out so maybe we should take all of this with a virtual grain of salt but that's the beauty of blogging.

Lastly then--why not Pedro? Last year, in nine games for the Phils, he went 5-1 with a 3.63 ERA and 7.5 strikeout per nine innings average. Only other option in our mind might be Jon Garland b/c he's an innings eater. Hate the idea of paying Joel Pinero $40M for 4 years (if for no other reason than we loathe how we pronounces his first name). We wouldn't mind offering Mulder a year one deal heavy on bonuses in the oft chance that he could rekindle his magic but a) he's destined for Milwaukee to reunite w/ his former pitching coach Rick Peterson and b) still has that STL Cardinal taint to him (think dog poo mixed with spoiled Indian food).

Pedro makes sense.....unless of course we can clone Ted Lilly.

Ted Lilly Fan Club Bold Off-Season Prediction #1: Bears Hire Ted Lilly As Offensive Coordinator/Cutler's Best Friend

noreply@blogger.com (Official Ted Lilly Fan Club) — Wed, 06 Jan 2010 14:17:00 +0000

Pretty quiet around the TLFC these days what with the TLFC Super Computer still in mourning over the death of George Michael (host of the "George Michael Sports Machine") and the fact that we still haven't decided on a Winter term intern from Columbia College who can read our mail, create TL avatars for us for our Xbox 360 (official gaming system of the TLFC) and make Sanka...

But let's throw out the first of many bold, off-season predictions that are 10% legitimate/practical and 90% a reason for us to blog and not drink copious amounts of Sextra (Sanka/Bud Extra cocktail): Ted Lilly will be hired as Chicago Bears offensive coordinator/best friend for Jay Cutler.

Clearly, the Bears lost their way this season--our defense misses Ron Rivera, our offensive line was porous (enter swiss cheese joke here) and our WR corps was lacking (weird that we'd actually miss Justin Gage).

We need a little offense, a little moxy and a little anger--all things that Ted Lilly has in spades.

Forget Mike Martz or Charlie Weis--sign TL. As a bonus, he'll serve as Jay Cutler's best friend when Jay goes slumming on Rush/Division in the Viagra Triangle.

Winter Storm Rages On; TLFC Advice? Bask In Warmth Of Ted Lilly's Greatness

noreply@blogger.com (Official Ted Lilly Fan Club) — Tue, 05 Jan 2010 20:20:00 +0000

According to Accuweather.com's Jon Auciello, this could be the worst winter storm season in 25 years. In Memphis, sadly, three people have already died due to the cold. In Vermont, a record 33 inches fell in South Burlington which is an all-time record for one storm. And, even across the pond in the land of bad teeth and Robbie Williams, the UK is experiencing gas shortages as the storm hits their shores and sends shivers down the spines of Susan Boyle fans everywhere.

Now, all sorts of self-appointed experts and meterologists are offering advice on how to stay warm during the next few weeks (burning Milton Bradley jerseys anyone?) but we are shocked that no Chicagoan (looking in your direction WGN's Tom Skilling) has offered up the simplest and most-effective method.

The Ted Lilly Fan Club's advice to stay warm? Bask in the collective warmth of Ted Lilly.

Normally, we'd quote the "Footsteps" poem right here but let's be honest, it's too dammed cold to be walking on the beach right now and, even if we were, we're not even sure that the sand is soft enough to show our footprints so this whole exercise would be pointless.

We'll just say that, like a must-win game 7, Ted Lilly is the answer.

Of course, if that doesn't work, feel free to sit in front of your oven, drink copious amounts of Sanka and/or take a rocket ship to the Sun to warm up. We're just getting excited for the Cubs Convention next week so we have legitimate things to blog about.

Happy 34th Birthday Ted Lilly!!!

noreply@blogger.com (Official Ted Lilly Fan Club) — Mon, 04 Jan 2010 13:06:00 +0000

Every group of friends has their own "special" day. For the legions of Sigma Chi frat dudes who rock upside down visors and shirtless t-shirts at Wrigley each summer, it's either June 28 (day that their fraternity was founded) or whatever day the new episode of MTV's Jersey Shore is on. For the Canucks in Major League Baseball (looking in your direction Jason Bay), it's clearly Boxing Day or whenever the Barenaked Ladies releases their 101.9-friendly, we're coming soon to a House of Blues New Year's Eve party, pop album filled with oh-so-clever pop culture references.

For the Ted Lilly Fan Club, we hold January 4th dear to our heart as it symbolizes the official birth of one Ted "Theodore Roosevelt" Lilly who, on this day thirty four years ago today, was born in the quiet hamlet of Torrance, CA.

A few ideas on how your can help celebrate Ted Lilly's birthday today:

Urban legend has it that, if you wait til midnight and say "Ted Lilly" in a mirror three times, he'll appear and teach you how to throw a devasting lillyhammer curve
Save a kitten that is stuck in a tree or rescue folks from a burning building---after all, that's probably how Ted celebrates your birthday
Start writing Cubs GM Jim Hendry one letter a day petitioning him to sign TL to a lifetime extension (this idea works especially well for those TedHeads at Illinois Correctional with a lot of down time in between shiv fights and meetings with their lawyers)
Bake Ted the World's Largest Birthday Cake. Now, those sinful jokers in Las Vegas currently have the record when they made a birthday cake with 30,000 half-sheet cakes and 40,000 pounds of frosting but we feel that some enterprising TedHead can do better and with less support for legalized prostituion/Wayne Newton
Thank the Cubs for giving Ted an early birthday present: Marlon Byrd whose lack of on-base percentage or fielding prowess will be the exact time of challenge that Ted needs in 2010 as he carries the team to the post-season via Cy Young Station

Happy birthday Ted!!! Normally, we'd only usually one exclamation point to show our excitement (as in, "thank god, Neal Cotts filed for free agency!") but, in this case, we decided to throw caution to the wind and include an extra two "!" to demonstrate just how fired up we are...oh yeah--we also lit a couch on fire and sacrificed a goat to Jobu.

New Years Eve Hangover: Did Cubs Really Sign Marlon Byrd Or Did We Drink Too Much Jager Last Night?

noreply@blogger.com (Official Ted Lilly Fan Club) — Fri, 01 Jan 2010 17:03:00 +0000

As if things really couldn't get any worse this morning after a solid night of boozing, our raging headache ratcheted up a few additional notches when we read and re-read the news that our Cubs, free of the Board Game King, decided to make a "big splash" in free agency and sign Marlon f-ing Byrd to a three-year contract for $15 million.

Really? This was the move? Now, countless other Cubs blogs have already covered this a lot more eloquently than we ever could (check out League of Her Own or Cub Reporter) but we just had to jump on the ole soap box and bitch a little bit.

In our view, this is going to end up being the worst New Years Eve walk of shame in the history of mankind. While normally these types of walk of shame situations can be corrected by giving your spouse-for-an-evening a nice, non-sexual "good times" hug at the door along with cab fare home, this Cubs/Marlon Byrd walk of shame will last three years, cost the Cubs $15 million that could have been better used elsewhere (e.g. getting a real top-of-the-order hitter with a high on-base percentage) and make us all pine for the Felix Pie years.

Happy New Year? We don't think so....

New Years Eve Romance Advice From Dr. TLFC

noreply@blogger.com (Official Ted Lilly Fan Club) — Thu, 31 Dec 2009 17:24:00 +0000

Merry New Years Eve TedHeads! With festivities on tap across the city this evening, we asked Dr. TLFC for a little romance advice for all those single TedHeads out there who will be spending their evening at a local pub, lounge or club in search of their TedHead soulmate.

A few quick Dos/Donts:

Do: Claim to be a fan of Ted Lilly to impress the opposite sex
Don't: Claim to be Ted Lilly himself (trust us--we've been done this road before--doesn't end well after the potential future Mrs. TLFC asked us to prove it by throwing a nine inning shutout)

Do: Take advantage of Ted Lilly paying for everyone's ride on the CTA tonight
Don't: Pull a Tony LaRussa and decide to have a few sodas before getting behind the wheel

Do: Dress nice to impress including keeping a swatch of a Ted-worn t-shirt that you bought on ebay in your pocket for good luck
Don't: Shave "Lilly" and "#30" in your back hair (shouldn't apply to female TedHeaads--we hope)

Do: Take advantage of free bar giveaways like the requisite NYE tiaras and visors (usually this move is reserved for Sigma Chis but we'll give y'all a dispensation for tonight)
Don't: Be "that guy" by blowing the NYE party bugle incessantly

Do: Wish that bad things will happen to anyone you meet from St. Louis (but not Milwaukee--we still kinda feel sorry for Chicago Jr.)
Don't: Comment on Dick Clark's plastic surgery face--it's a modern marvel

Do: Claim that 2010, in Chinese calendar, is the Year of the Ted
Don't: Get into a drunk debate about when the decade starts and ends--no one will win and we'll all look dumber for wasting time on this inane subject when we could have been focusing on whether that midnight buffet looks swine-flu free

And, remember, TedHeads, if you ever get into a bad situation (eg. one that probably involves beer goggles) and are wondering what to do, ask yourself, "What Would Ted Lilly Do?" (WWTLD) and all will be right with the world.

Happy F-ing New Years...

Ted Lilly Fan Club Hot Stove Continues To Burn: Ted Lilly Officially Turns Down University of Florida Football Coaching Gig

noreply@blogger.com (Official Ted Lilly Fan Club) — Tue, 29 Dec 2009 16:00:00 +0000

After the whirlwind speculation surrounding the University of Florida football program after the sudden resignation and later leave of absence from Urban Meyer, the hot stove continues to burn with rumors about Meyer’s future replacement.

While Gator assistant Steve Addazio has been tabbed as Florida’s interim coach after Friday's Sugar Bowl, numerous news outlets have stated that the exact details of his role have not been finalized regarding the extent and nature of his responsibilities which leaves the door open to rampant speculation and rumor about possible other coaching candidates.

Much to the pleasure of the Ted Lilly Fan Club and Cubs Nation, Ted Lilly has officially put an end to the current Internet rumor du jour that he was a candidate for the head coaching position at the University of Florida. Ted remains committed to a Cy Young season in 2010.

"I am deeply aware of the disappointment and hurt that my reported flirtation with the University of Florida would have caused to so many people, most of all my loyal Fan Club and the millions of 'Teds Kids' at my School For Kids Who Can't Read Good. I want to say again to everyone that I am profoundly sorry that I did not address this hot stove rumor sooner--the only thing as nasty as this rumor is my lillyhammer curve, my chiseled-from-marble abs and/or the way I bulldozed Yadier Molina on September 10th of last year.

Granted, I have no official football experience but, being a superior left-handed athlete with the wiles of a crafty veteran, a blue collar mentality and "Rain Man"-esque ability to have memorized every single offensive play from the last 25 college football national champions (looking in your direction Bernie Kosar of the 1983 Miami Hurricanes), I can understand why my name entered into the discussion as Coach Meyer's replacement. Also, my trusty hawk, Fury, looks better with a tan so Jacksonville's warmth would be a bonus for him.

That said, I also understand that it may not be possible to repair the damage I've done, but I want to do my best to try. So, despite Christmas being over, I want to give Cubs faithful, the city of Chicago and all of man-kind one final holiday gift: a perfect season from me in 2010 and a merry New Year. Don't thank me---it's the least I could do. As a bonus, I've arranged for the Chicago CTA to have everyone ride free on New Year's Eve--be safe my friends.

After much soul searching, I have decided focus only on a few small items such as the Cubs 2010 season, making a perpetual motion machine and getting Ryan Seacrest off television. I will all re-focus my attention on being a better, nay best, left-handed pitching specimen, fielder, and offensive juggernaut. Again, I ask for privacy for my family and I am especially grateful for all those who have offered compassion and concern during this difficult period."

Wow: Ted Lilly, Class Act.

Host of 'Sports Machine', George Michael Passes; Ted Lilly Fan Club Super Computer Denies Interest In Taking Over Show

noreply@blogger.com (Official Ted Lilly Fan Club) — Mon, 28 Dec 2009 16:54:00 +0000

The sporting world lost a friend over the Christmas holiday as George Michael, host of Sports Machine, passed away after a lengthy bout with leukemia. He was 70.

Sadly, despite the black flag of mourning that is hanging throughout the Fan Club, the TLFC has been enudated with requests for comments (note to Buster Olney: stop showing up unannounced--it's creepy) and questions about hot stove rumors about our very own Super Computer being tapped to replace George Michael as host.

While we traditionally have a firm policy to not comment on rumors and innuendo (like the story about the Ted Lilly Fan Club filing an injunction against CBS, Viacom and "How I Met Your Mother" for appropriating use of both "ted" and "lilly" in their program), we have decided to release the following statement to stem the tide of misinformation and conjecture:

"We're happy to extend the Super Computers tenure at the Ted Lilly Fan Club for two years, taking it through the end of its current contract and then through the 2012 season. We value the Super Computer's input and respect his contributions to the TLFC. We look forward to continuing to work with him in days, weeks ahead. Furthermore, we hope that this will send a message to Chicago Cub's GM Jim Hendry to put the worst signing of his career behind him (closing the chapter of the Game Board King era) and lock up the best signing of his career, Ted 'I'll beat you with a surgically repaired shoulder by throwing right handed' Lilly, for an additional two seasons after 2010."

TLFC Super Computer agreed, adding "01010011101010111001".

ESPN Chicago Ranks Top Ten Cubs Of Decade, Leaving Ted Lilly Off List—Ted Lilly Fan Club Wants To Know Where To Send The Flaming Bag of Poop.

noreply@blogger.com (Official Ted Lilly Fan Club) — Tue, 15 Dec 2009 22:28:00 +0000

Sure, we’re still ten days out from the Christmas holiday and Santa Ted *could* still be watching us to determine if we are naughty or nice but, thinking about Santa’s manufacturing abilities, distribution network etc etc, our guess is that he sealed up the list around the 29th of November, which thankfully, leaves us free to hate on whoever we want to without regard to our holiday present haul.

And, today, we set our sights on ESPN Chicago and their ranking of the top ten Cubs of the Decade. Ugh...here we go:

After quickly skimming through the list, we thought that maybe we had too much of the TLFC’s World Famous Olde Fashioned Egg Nog (special ingredient #1? Love. special ingredient #2? copious amounts of grain alcohol from West Virginia) and just skipped over Ted’s name…but, after re-reading it closely on our brand new Windows Seven-powered HP TouchSmart 600xt(official desktop computer of the TLFC), we found that our worst fears are realized and that ESPN neglected to include Ted on this list.

We have no problem with the top four: Aramis, Big Z (105 wins this decade), D-Lee (still one of the sweetest swings in baseball) and Kerry Wood (would have looked pretty good at back end of bullpen last year)….and DeRosa (sigh) is great---but that’s when the logic starts to break down.

Ryan Dempster? In his two best years, he won 28 games while, in Ted’s two best years as a starter, he won 32 games---for $12 million less. In this age of fiscal responsibility, can we really support this decision? Almost as bad of an ideas as STL paying Brad Penny $7.5M for one year.

Sammy Sosa? What type of message is ESPN trying to send with this pick? That using steroids and abusing spanglish is okay? Ted? He’s too busy almost winning the Roberto Clemente Award

Moises Alou? His urinated on his hands—that alone has to be enough to get him kicked off the list in favor of Ted. If not, ask Steve Bartman for other reasons...

Theriot? Too early to tell if he deserves a place on this list so we’ll let him stay for now---if only because we get sick pleasure when fair weather Cubs fans have the eureka! moment at games when they realize that his last name, when split up, spells, ‘the riot’. Classic---buy a foam Cubs claw and lemon ice while you’re at it…

Prior? No chance he belongs—all sizzle, no steak. Prior’s calves? We’ll give them an honorable mention…

ESPN Chicago--Redeem yourself! Name Ted to this list--it's not too late to save your soul.

TLFC Winter Meetings Preview

noreply@blogger.com (Official Ted Lilly Fan Club) — Mon, 07 Dec 2009 09:43:00 +0000

December is a hard month around the TLFCHQ. While our happy labors including cleaning up the Special Place and working on the cloning machine, but none of that distracts us from the looming pain of the TLFC Winter Meetings.

Ohh, you thought we were going to Preview the GM Winter Meetings in Sunny Indianapolis? Wrong. You see, every year, first week of December we board up the HQ, pack into our TLFC trailer and head north to a secluded island in Lake-Of-The-Woods, near Kenora, Ontario. There we hold the TLFC Winter Meetings where this year the agenda/break out sessions include:

Not Freezing to Death
Catching Fish to Support Ourselves
Warm, How Do We Keep This Way?

But the real focus, of course, is on how we can be a better Ted Lilly Fan Club for you Tedheads. One of the bigger issues to discuss is whether we switch from wearing a Wool Shirt on the days TL loses or, rather, simply a giant Scarlet Letter "L" until the next Ted start?

The other "hot" topic, will be a group meditation - naked, in the snow - on Ted's status as a pending Free Agent and how the shoulder surgery will effect his Cubs career in 2009 and beyond. Reason for being naked? We want to simulate the pain of loneliness without Ted.

So while the GM's of the world hob-nob in then Sunny Sunshine and Sultry nightlife of great Indy trying to make their teams better, we'll be huddling together in the snow, kept warm by thoughts of TL and Lillyhammers to come.

Before we leave, any other hot topics for us to discuss in the frozen tundra?

Sign TL's "Get Well' Card, Aid in TL's Clever Ruse

noreply@blogger.com (Official Ted Lilly Fan Club) — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 11:16:00 +0000

Tim Visits Ted at TL's FOOSS, but only Ted's head is there, Ted's body is out running - Rocky Style - in the Arctic Snow.

We all know that Ted's 'surgery' is really cover to inspire his teammates to overcome great odds, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't wish him well in his "recovery." Now, thanks to the veritable Mo' Theresa, Tim Souers, over at Cubby-Blue, you can send your love to TL, virtually! Tim has put together a virtual Get Well card for all Tedheads to sign. Once Friday comes along, Tim's going to trek to Ted's Fortress Of Offseason Solitude (FOOSS) and present it to our Hero along with an offering of fine meats and cheeses - we suggest you get over there and wish TL well.

Forget the TL surgery, Grabow and Gregg are Type A

noreply@blogger.com (Official Ted Lilly Fan Club) — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 08:47:00 +0000

Holy F'ing crap Tedheads. We know we promised a few weeks off (again, it's not you, it's us) and we know we kept this distance even in the face of shocking Ted News, but Holy F'ing Crap, we had to say something about this:

Kevin Gregg and John Grabow are Type A free agents! (gasp!) Joining The G-men in Type A land is Cubbie favorite LaTroy Hawkins (double gasp!!). Rich Harden, by the way, is a Type "B" free agent.

For the uninitiated, a Type "A" classification means the player, according to Elias Sports, is in the top 20% of free agents while Type "B" implies the player is between 21% -40% of Free Agents. Signing a Type "A" forces a signing team to give up a draft pick, generally late first round or the absurdly confusing Sandwich Round Pick, as compensation if the players original team offered arbitration to the player.

The type classifications adds a sneaky element to Free Agency, adding additional costs to FA's, and the opportunity for a little gamesmanship with your fellow GM's. But that's irrelevant because the Cubs already said goodbye to Gregg and are working on an extension for Grabow. Cub's also have shown no indication they'll go to arbitration with Harden.

So why are we incredulous? It's because the media didn't mention how Dr. Lewis Yocum went temporary blind after peering inside Ted's shoulder and that Dr. Yocum needed to finish the surgery just by feel - eerily similar to the Lionel Richie "Hello" video.

No really, why should Tedheads be super incredulous? Elias rankings are horribly, horribly flawed. In the 2007 MLB draft, the Toronto Blue Jays received the 56th pick (a Sandwich Pick!) as compensation for the Cubs signing Ted Lilly - a Type B free agent.*

Now, the only thing possibly Type B about TL is his blood, but even that's in question because of the amount of ice, steel, and grit flowing around in there. But there's something a bit odd to us about Gregg and Grabow being Type A guys. That's basically implying that Kevin Hart, who Cubs traded for Grabow, is a Type A guy and, well, Kevin Gregg is Kevin Gregg.

As always, we have no solution to this problem. Nor can we really speak to the process and the Cubs historical success / failure towards with it. What peeved us was the stupidity of the whole thing, but besides that we offer nothing to you Tedheads. What we can do is bring you some good old fashion nonsense with a bit of Ted worshipping sprinkled in. It's essentially a 'Teddycall from our break, hope you don't mind. We promise to call, maybe.

See you soon.

* The Blue Jays picked something called Trystan Magnuson for their trouble - apparently they thought they were giving up Ted "Strongest Man In The World" Lilly for Magnus "Strongest Man In the World" Magnuson... they were horribly wrong.

Lights Out At TLFC... We're home, but we're sitting in the dark alone... again

noreply@blogger.com (Official Ted Lilly Fan Club) — Sun, 01 Nov 2009 11:54:00 +0000

Some say on Autumn nights, you can see TLFC walking the streets alone

Hey there Tedheads, it's us, TLFC. We'd like to post, but what the heck are we going to discuss?

Ted's clearly doing 1k abs a day while running hills with the literal weight of the world on his shoulders and all our hopes and dreams on his back - how is that new and fresh?
Joe Buck is doing his best to make us hate baseball - why would be go negative when we're already on record as saying he's the spawn of Satan?
Bud Selig's absurd drive for profits makes it near impossible for us to watch post-season baseball - why whine about us having to stay up past out bed time to here how Nick Swisher keeps that clubhouse loose?
The Phillies rolled out Pedro Martinez, to Chan Ho Park, to Scott Eyre in sequence. Ladies and Gentlemen, the NL Champions! Why bluster about how absurd it is that this is the team that bested our Cubs?

We think it's best for everyone if we take a little break. It's not you, it's us. We need some time to think. Maybe we'll travel a bit, maybe we'll try a few new things... you should do the same. Grow up some. We love you Tedheads, we just aren't in Love with you right now*.

What do you say we get together, have some dinner maybe, in a couple of weeks?

Warmly,

TLFC

* - not true, we are in Love with you, but needed to say that for the break-up metaphor.

Lights Out At TLFC. We

noreply@blogger.com (Official Ted Lilly Fan Club) — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 10:54:00 +0000

On Eve Of 2nd Round Of MLB Playoffs, Ted Lilly Fan Club Sits Down With Nostradamus

noreply@blogger.com (Official Ted Lilly Fan Club) — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 13:54:00 +0000

On the eve of the second round of the MLB playoffs, we decided that we would grow up a little bit by putting away the magic eight ball (sorry little buddy) and stepping up our game a bit. The result? A TLFC exclusive! A one-on-one interview with famed prognosticator and French apothecary Michel de Nostredame aka Nostradamus to get his predictions about the Phils/Dodgers and Yanks/Halos series AND other random tidbits.

TLFC: Nostradamus--welcome to the Ted Lilly Fan Club loft--happy to have you here.

N: Thanks--i just flew in from the year 1566 and boy are my arms tired! Yuck yuck yuck.

TLFC: Ummmm---okay. Anyway, let's start off with the New York Yankees match-up with the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim. What are your thoughts on the series?

N: I see that the young lion will overcome the older one,On the field of combat in a single battle;He will pierce his eyes through a golden cage,Two wounds made one, then he dies a cruel death.

TLFC: It sounds like you're picking up the upstart Angles to beat the more veteran-laden Yankees?

N: Yep---Kazmir is sick, defense is gold glove-friendly and the Yanks move to a three-man rotation in seven game series is most unwise--like that Nazi picking the wrong chalice in "Last Crusade".

TLFC: How about the Phils/Dodgers?

N: An Emperor shall be born near Italy. Who shall cost the Empire dear, They shall say, with what people he keeps company He shall be found less a Prince than a butcher.

TLFC: Are you talking about Tommy LaSorda, Special Advisor to the GM of the Dodgers? Pretty sure that he was actually born in Pennsylvania.

N: Mark my words heathen---this emperor thou dost embrace nutrisystem in jest. He shall mark the downfall of the empire.

TLFC: Okay--settle down, you're clearly picking the Phils. What else?

N: I'm getting another vision, another prophecy: He shall come to tyrannize the land. He shall raise up a hatred that had long been dormant.

TLFC: Any idea what this means?

N: Not sure--this happens a lot when I don't take my meds but, if I had to guess, I'd say that it probably has to do w/ John Cusack's new movie, 2012. Guy had so much promise but has really gone off the deep end into bad movie territory. I mean, did you see Ice Harvest or Must Love Dogs? Ugh---I'd take a 1000 years in hell if it meant I didn't have to see a Seredipity II.

TLFC: This is clearly getting weird. Any last thoughts? We need to, ummmmm, errgggghhh, go someplace other than here.

N: Yes--final thought---from the sky will come the great King of Terror. He will bring back to life the King of the Mongols; Before and after war reigns.

TLFC: Joe Buck? Is he and his terrible announcing the King of Terror? Wow...

N: Be afraid, be very afraid...

Sorry Fanhouse, Matt Holliday Deserves No Sympathy

noreply@blogger.com (Official Ted Lilly Fan Club) — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 18:13:00 +0000

While normally the sports site, Fanhouse, is chock full of interesting articles and analysis (excluding anything by Jay Mariotti), today, they simply went too far with their piece entitled, "Let's Give Holliday A Break" around his blunder in the 9th inning of game two of the STL/LAD series.

Author Terence Moore contends that, "folks should lay off Matt Holliday just a little" and procedes to list a few other examples of professional sports blunders including our own Leon Durham in the 1984 NLCS and former Cub Buckner in 1986.

His contention is that, while the errors are not ideal, they are not the sole reason that any one team lost the game or series. Our contention is that Terence Moore is an idiot.

I mean, really? We're supposed to feel sympathy for Holliday? Lest you forget, Holliday makes $13,500,000 a year to play a game. His only job is to hit the ball, play defense and determine a clever name for his foundation. While the rest of the country faces a recession, rising unemployment, a potential nuclear Iran, we should all get out our wah-wah tissues and shed a tear for Matt Holliday? No thank you. We'd take our Ted Lilly Fan Club Time Machine and travel back to 1908 to see our Cubs win the World Series against the Tigers.

Even worse is Holliday's excuse: That he lost the ball in the Busch Stadium lights. Wow--that's the best he can do? Shouldn't Cardinals PR head Brian Bartow be able to come up w/ something better than that? Maybe Holliday's dog eat his homework too?

Sure--as Cubs fans, we are bred to hate the Cardinals so we're clearly biased but it's insane to think that Holliday deserves any measure of sympathy for messing up. He had a job to do and he failed. Clear as day. Enjoy your off-season Mr. Holliday.

Photo above is from Darren Cummings, AP

Ted Lilly Fan Club "Tedtastic" Player of the Day: Matt Holliday

noreply@blogger.com (Official Ted Lilly Fan Club) — Fri, 09 Oct 2009 10:18:00 +0000

Ouch.

Ouch for two reason.

First - Ouch: replay's of Matt Holliday's outfield gaffe indicate that his man- parts now likely reside deep within his body cavity. For all you Lady Tedheads out there, the result direct impact of a hard hit, line drive, baseball into a man's nether regions is not fun. Late last night we replicated the situation with out Ted Lilly Fan Club Pitching Machine and Line Drive Simulator (TLFCPMALDS) and our jaws still remain clenched on a strip of raw hide. Fortunately, The State had us sterilized to prevent reproduction, so no harm - no foul.

Second - Ouch: our friends from the eighth circle of hell, St. Louis, can't be too pleased right now. Sure, our Missouri backwater brethren, those "true fans of baseball" are probably holding on blissfully to the possibility of a comeback, but then again, they're also probably holding out for a repeal of the Nineteenth Amendment.

Matt Holliday, guess what? We don't blame you and no one else should. Let us see, two outs, bottom of the ninth, no one on base. A diving line drive in the late afternoon LA sun, you make an error. We might be old school, but up a run, man on first, two outs is still an enviable position. We're going to go ahead and blame LaRussa - he was likely drunk driving while petting animals and didn't have the appropriate mindset to settle his team down.

Tedheads, this is a win-win for us. St. Louis wins this series, you're treated to another few posts of anti-St. Lousi vitriol, likely with Joe Buck Flavor! St. Louis loses, well, St. Louis losses and we celebrate! Tip of the cap to you, Matt Holiday, for a Tedtastic play!

Ted Lilly Fan Club "Tedtastic" Player of the Day: Matt Kemp

noreply@blogger.com (Official Ted Lilly Fan Club) — Thu, 08 Oct 2009 13:44:00 +0000

Clearly, the Cubs not making the playoffs hurts....a lot (we keep repeating that in posts b/c it helps our argument to our psychiatrist that we need more Xanax--official mood suppressor of the TLFC) but the one thing that hurts more is that the god damn St. Louis Cardinals did and, to make matters worse, they are even the Vegas favorites to reach the World Series from the National League.

That said, we watched yesterday's Game 1 in St. Louis w/ joy and glee as Los Dodgers took advantage of a sloppy Chris Carpenter to beat the Cardinals 5-3.

Our Tedtastic Player of the Day? Matt Ryan Kemp. Kemp, who hit a first inning homer off of Carps to give LA the lead and help lead them to the win, is actually nicknamed "the Bison" (all praise to Dodger Thoughts for coining that term) and uses Rick Ross' "the Boss" as his at-bat music.

On a quick side note, if the TLFC was going to have at-bat music, it'd probably be the Aaron Neville and Linda Ronstadt ballad, "Don't Know Much." Would it pump up the crowd? Maybe, maybe not--but we would all learn a quick lesson about true nature of love.

Clearly, we want the Cardinals to lose...we need them to lose...we require them to lose. If not, we have to wait til December 16th for Blackhawks goon Adam Burish to lay the smackdown on the Blues and, frankly, we don't have that kind of patience.

Virtual tip of the cap, Matt Kemp.

Let's Break Out Ye Ole Magic Eight Ball And Make Some 1st Round Playoff Predictions

noreply@blogger.com (Official Ted Lilly Fan Club) — Wed, 07 Oct 2009 16:41:00 +0000

With the first pitch of the Yankees/Twins series only a few hours away, we thought that, with the Cubs dead and buried, we'd turn our attention to the other playoffs series and make a few predictions. Remember--in bizarro world, the Cubs just won the World Series with Ted Lilly getting yet another MVP trophy (sigh) but, in real world, we can only wonder "what if" and buy heavily-discounted parapheneralia at local Sports Authority locations ("oooohhh, a $10 Aaron Miles jersey? Why not...")

First Round Predictions:

Yankees vs. Twins. While we love the "Rudy"-esque moxie of this Twins ballclub, this simply are overmatched versus the Yankees in a five-game set. Sure, Jorge Posada can bitch all he wants about not starting game but that's probably the only "challenge" the Yankees have to face outside of where to find good, NYC-style prostitutes in Minneapolis. Prediction? Yankees sweep, 3-0.

Red Sox vs. Angels. Easily the best first round series of the four---both teams have a surplus of pitching, offense and gold-glove friendly defense. We still can't believe that the Angels somehow added Scott Kazmir to their rotation and think that they'll ultimately emerge victorious after Dice-K implodes. Angels win, 3-1.

Rockies vs. Phillies. Flip side to the Red Sox/Angels tilt, this is easily the worst series of the four. Rockies are on a rocky mountain high after surprisingly making the playoffs despite having Frenchy Marquis as their ace and trading Holliday before the season. Phillies have no bullpen after Brad Lidge did his best Cubs impersonation and channeled the 9th fuitility of the Marmot and the Goggled One. Feels like Rockies in 4 but who cares? they are just chum for the eventual STL/LAD victory in round 2.

Cardinals vs. Dodgers. Italians Unite! Torre vs. LaRussa! Mi piace davvero! Oh yeah, Manny, Pujols, Holliday should be fun too. We clearly want the Dodgers to win b/c a) St. Louis sucks b) a STL loss would give Joe Buck convulsions and c) it heightens the chance that the Dodgers pay tribute to Dodgers 1996 Draft 23rd Round Gem Ted Lilly. Sadly, magic eight-ball says that STL wins 3-2.

Other random predictions:

Ted Lilly will get snubbed by Nobel Foundation. In turn, Ted Lilly Fan Club will burn our living room couches and "What Would Alfred Nobel Do" bumper stickers in protest.
Swine flu will become the most-popular halloween costume of the season, besting the couples costume of Jon + Kate (or triples costume of Jon + Kate + Divorce Lawyer) and concept costume of President Obama's sagging approval rating
International Olympic Committee anonymous source will disclose that real reason Chicago lost the bid for 2016 Olympics was the lack of a TL appearance/autograph session.
Same source will also reveal that Rio got the bid on strength of impromptu performance/dance for IOC members from Charo (despite her Spanish heritage)--cuchi-cuchi-cuchi.
TLFC Magic Eight Ball, responsible for above predictions, will fail miserably in prognostication efforts, fueling speculation that it is, in fact, using eight-balls of cocaine
Cubs superfan and Chicago native Vince Vaughn's latest movie, Couples Retreat, will bomb at the box office and add to his Cubs-esque, really bad run of misses including Fred Claus and Four Christmases. Can Wedding Crashers II be far behind?

Nobel Prizes Awarded; Ted Lilly Snubbed….Again

noreply@blogger.com (Official Ted Lilly Fan Club) — Tue, 06 Oct 2009 20:46:00 +0000

Ok—we’ll grant you the Noble Prizes in Physics for Charles K. Kao (who discovered how to transmit light through fiber optics) and the team of Willard S. Boyle and George E. Smith (who designed the first digital-imaging sensor) but Elizabeth Blackburn and team’s Nobel for her research on telomeres (aka the protective ends of chromosomes)? Hog wash.

Where’s Ted Lilly’s prize? Where the f- is Ted Lilly's prize?

Can Elizabeth throw a face-melting Lillyhammer? Nope. Can team member Carol W. Greider carry an entire Cubs team on their back for a season? Not likely. Has third team member Jack W. Szostak been nominated by his colleagues at Howard Hughes Medical Institute for the Roberto Clemente Award? Try again.

Now, Ted has already been awarded the Nobel Prize for Peace (which he later declined to give glory hound Al Gore his 15 minutes of fame) but that was two years ago. Looking down the list of Nobel Prizes that have yet to be awarded, we feel that two make perfect sense to give to Ted to add to his growing (but not important) collection of hardware (which includes a few All-Star Game appearances, a 2009 roster spot on Team USA and a future 2010 Cy Young).

Nobel Prize For Literature: For Ted's book, "It Takes A Lillyhammer" about his ragtag youth and claim to fame as a member of the Fresno City College baseball squad (Go Rams!)
Nobel Prize for Chemistry: For Ted's own examination of his body's molecular structure to determine why he is, in fact, immortal

TBD on whether the "geniuses" in Oslo will wake up and smell the Sanka and give TL the prize but, if not, we have a homemade version of our own (made from old Hersey Kiss foil wrappers, popsicle sticks and some glitter we stole from a Chicago Public School classroom). That said--we wouldn't give it to Ted b/c, let's be honest, that'd be creepy and, as part of our TLFC mandate, we can't cross the 4th wall and actually interact with Ted (result would be akin to blowing up the Death Star but, in this example, even the Ewoks die).

Ted Lilly Fan Club Mailbag: End of Season Edition

noreply@blogger.com (Official Ted Lilly Fan Club) — Thu, 01 Oct 2009 13:54:00 +0000

Only a few games left before this miserable wretch of a season is over. While we appreciate Ted Lilly purposely throwing yesterday's game to create a sympathy vote for the 2016 bid, it's still been hard to get up every morning and face the prospect of a Cubs-less post-season. It just doesn't seem right that Joe -fing Buck will get to the postseason and we won't. Sigh.

Anyway, to wrap the virtual bow around this blog season, we thought that we'd throw out a final, end-of-season mailbag. Yes--it's the lazy man's way to blog but, right now, we feel like a fat girl stood up on prom night--just want to sit in bed with our pink bunny slippers, eating rocky road ice cream with a big wooden spoon and watch tivo-ed episodes of Ugly Betty. Sigh. Onto the questions...

With 2016 Olympic host city being announced tomorrow, any chance that Ted might be able to fly over to Denmark and help put in a good word with IOC representatives?-P. Ryan, Chicago, IL (via Copenhagen)

Sadly—no. While Ted is BFF with IOC President Jacque Rogge (TL taught his kids how to throw a curve), Chicago wasn’t smart enough to get Ted involved from the word ‘go’ and, thus, will have to deal with secondary spokespeople like Oprah and the Obamas. However, given that the United States and their television contract pretty much bankrolls the Olympics, we feel pretty confident that Chicago will get the nod. Bigger question is whether Ted will receive the deserved honor of lighting the flame at opening ceremonies in 2016? We think yes and that, instead of using the Olympic torch, Ted will simply throw a Lillyhammer into the mix.

Any update on Ted’s nomination for the Roberto Clemente Award? Anything we can do to help him bring home the trophy? -OJ Reebie, Glenview, IL

Great timing! Tomorrow is actually the last day that TedHeads can get out there and vote for Ted. So, please, do yourself and your soul a favor and click on over to http://mlb.mlb.com/sponsors/chevy/clemente/index.jsp to vote for Ted. If it only lets you vote once, clear the cookies on your web browser and vote again. It’s Chicago politics time—vote early, vote often, vote Ted. Ted Lilly. Yes.We.Can.

What does Dr. TLFC proscribe for the Cubs in the off-season? Clearly, only winning 80 or so games will not cut it for a $134 million payroll?-A. Macphail, Baltimore, MD

First thing is we need to shake up the rotation. Clearly, Ted is the rock and the Randy Wells Project has clear promise. After that, it gets a little murky. We should have known better than to pay that sort of coin for a Canuck in Dempster but we're stuck w/ him so there's three. We'll join the masses and agree that Harden needs to go and love the idea of a swap of Not-So-Big Z for Peavy. Second, we need some glue guys so let's overpay for The Rose and give Abreu a two-year deal (which we should have done anyway). Third, we need a closer--do we take a run at Billy Wagner or maybe Soriano? TBD...but this should give Hendry some food for thought.

With the demise of the Saturn brand at General Motors, do you think that Honda Motor Co. needs to be concerned about the potential trademark infringement of their Acura TL with the Ted Lilly "TL" brand?--S. Center, Torrance, CA

Wait....S. Center? Torrance, CA? Is this Steven Center? Is this the same Mr. Steven Center who is Vice President of Advertising and Public Relations for Honda? Tsk tsk tsk, sir. We've tried to play nice with earlier emails asking an official apology from Acura but you continue to virtually thumb your nose at Ted Lilly and his legions of car-owning TedHeads. Mess with the bull, get the horns. Or, in this case, mess with the TL brand, force TedHeads worldwide to buy Toyotas.

Do you hear us, Joe Tetherow, Ming-Jou Chen and Sam Butto (PR contacts for Toyota)? This is PR gold for you...contact us at tedlillyrules@gmail.com. Acura has scorned us--we'd gladly welcome opportunity to test drive any of your new and improved Toyota models and blog about it to Cubs fans and TedHeads alike. Shameless blogging? Absolutely but we are serious and would love to stick it to Acura for using/abusing the TL brand.

With Ted Lilly On Mound, It Feels Like A Perfect Time For A TL Montage

noreply@blogger.com (Official Ted Lilly Fan Club) — Wed, 30 Sep 2009 17:59:00 +0000

Yep---nothing really to say here. Cubs are terrible. Roster needs to be blown up and we're struggling for legitmate blogging content. Feels like a perfect time for a montage of inane TL imagery from the last few months.

A Inside Look at 2009 Cubs Season In Bizarro World

noreply@blogger.com (Official Ted Lilly Fan Club) — Fri, 25 Sep 2009 15:56:00 +0000

Like Chicago summer getaway Door County (official weekend staycation location of the TLFC), much of the Cubs blogosphere has shuttered up their virtual sites for the season and gone back to their normal lives. While a few brave souls continue to blog on and fight the good fight, it has become increasingly difficult to find interesting content - especially here.

Always buoyed by Ted grabbing his lunch pail and going to work on the mound every 5th day, we here at the Ted Lilly Fan Club thought that we’d be 'okay', that we could get by and weather the virtual storm w/ always creepy references to Ted’s abs, immortality and/or increasingly loud cry for yellow cake plutonium for our cloning machine. Unfortunately, w/ Ted being scratched from his most recent start in favor of the Shark, we simply are at a loss for blogging inspiration.

Thankfully, while breaking into TLFC House Mom Brenda’s stash of Virginia Gentlemen bourbon that she keeps in the basement, we caught sight of our old TLFC Alternative Universe Flying Machine (AUFM) and took it out for a spin to check out the Cubs 2009 Season in Bizarro World (truthfully, we did consider making a pit stop at Fords Theater in 1865 to stop future Braves fan John Wilkes Booth but didn't want to mess w/ space time continuum).

A few highlights (or is it lowlights--we're not really sure anymore):

Bizarro Ted Lilly (complete with goatee, #3 jersey and right-handed throwing motion) still mowing down bizarro opponents in route to his tenth straight Cy Young Award.

Fan-Favorite Milton Bradley handing out turkeys, free board games and copies of his book "Sorry! The Milton Bradley Story" to the disadvantaged youth of Chicago

In a surreal moment of joy for the TLFC, Joe Buck was kicked off the air after making an on-air pass at Tim McCarver. Buck, ashamed and saddened, was forced back to his hometown of St. Louis (home of arch-rival Cardinals), which was later consumed by a Mississippi River sea monster

Like a phoenix rising from the ashes, Steve Bartman emerged from hiding--only to reveal that he was paid off by Moises Alou in 2003 before the start of the Cubs/Marlins series to purposely interfere with any fly balls that came in his direction during NL playoffs so that no one would blame Alou's urine-sopping hands. Weird? Yep--but this is bizarro world

The American public came to its senses and realized that Charlie Sheen, in addition to being a terrible actor, is also a crazy nutbag (Exhibit A? He broke up w/ Denise Richards. Seriously? Have you seen Wild Things?. Exhibit B? He thinks that 9/11 was an inside job). His punishment? Banished to live w/ Joe Buck in St. Louis (pre-Mississippi River sea monster) and forced to watch "Two and A Half Men" 24 hours/day (wonder what brand of crazy hijinks they'll get into this episode).

Cubs hoist the World Series Trophy as TL gets yet another MVP trophy (sigh). Fire and brimstone coming down from the skies. Rivers and seas boiling. Cats and dogs living together. Mass hysteria.

Sadly--we ran out of D batteries for the AUFM and had to return home to recharge but it's an interesting look at what could have been for the non-bizarro world Cubs.

Sigh.

Ted Lilly Looks to 2010 Season, Injures Himself For Challenge

noreply@blogger.com (Official Ted Lilly Fan Club) — Thu, 24 Sep 2009 11:27:00 +0000

We have always known and half-kidded that the only one who could harm Ted Lilly is Ted Lilly himself and, as the 2009 Cubs season starts to drift out into the icepack to die a cold/lonely/starving death, that's appears to be what has happened.

But why? Just for the challenge? Nope--only TL can really be challenged is when he arm wrestles himself or engages in a staring contest in his 5'1-" mirror. We think TL was looking to 2010. Ted 'hurt' himself to give the kids some playtime and travel to Chicago to mediate the Hendry/Bradley slap fest. Check. And Check. We won't get into this now but we still want Milton on this team, but that's just us.

Every team needs a powder keg and he's OUR powder keg.

Yesterdays TL Start: Scratched. Enter stage left, Jeff Samardzija for a "you're a top draft pick with ridiculously girly hair and a Scrabble-friendly name so let's see what you can do" start. Under Ted's watchful eye, The Shark goes 6 and hits a TLrific bomb into deep right field. Color us impressed (for those TedHeads scoring at home, the official crayola color of 'impressed' is burnt sienna).

The question remains if Shark will be a viable MLB starter and frankly, we don't really care, because he's neither lefty nor contains the secret of the universe within his perfectly chiseled abdominals. For right now, he's a marginal player with marginaly girly hair who is being used as a marketing tool to lure in all those Notre Dame fans (= homers) living in Chicago.

Sure, as Ted Lilly fanatics and subsequent Cub fans, we care about Bradley on the Cubs 2010 team and Samardzija as a starter, but we don't "really" care because there are more important issues for us to worry about. Specifically, we wonder: "If God created Ted to create all things, did Ted create God?"

Our answer? Maybe*

(*if we just blew your mind there, Dr. TLFC recommends a steady dose of Sanka, Ted Lilly YouTube videos and working out with a medicine ball)

TLFC Breaking News Alert: Milton Bradley Suspension An Elaborate PR Stunt

noreply@blogger.com (Official Ted Lilly Fan Club) — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 14:47:00 +0000

In an early morning report filed by Ted Lilly Fan Club's crack investigative squad (nicknamed "CSI: Ted"), it turns out that Milton Bradley’s “suspension” for the remainder of the season is, in fact, fictitious. In reality, the whole situation (including Milton's interview with the Daily Herald and subsequent comments from Hendry and Sweet Lou) is a PR stunt ultimately designed to promote an upcoming special edition of the board game “Sorry!” from Milton Bradley’s board game empire.

Realizing that baseball greatness is fleeting ('fleeting' defined as the year 2008) and that board games are eternal, Milton focused his energies on ensuring that "Sorry!" will live on long after he is playing right field for the cubs ('long after' defined as next season when he gets released).

Unnamed sources have provided the TLFC with company memos, sales projections and marketing abstracts on the game launch including a 52-page report, entitled Operation Crazy Town. Dated January 6, 2009, the report details a nine-month plan of attack with individual highlighted sections including “prime powder keg to explode by throwing ball in stands with only two outs”, “grossly underperform during pennant race” and “bribe fan in bleachers to pour beer on a Hawaiian center-fielder”.

Sadly, when the TLFC investigated this, we found that there were other layers to the onion. In fact, like a plot from a Dan Brown novel, many of history's most notorious scandals, crisis situations and events are in fact tied to the Bradley Family's powerful board game empire.

A few examples:

"Battleship": A MB marketing exec was seen in the South Pacific talking to both US and Japanese envoys directly before the famous Battle of Midway offering them free booze, blue jeans and 5% on back-end sales of the soon-to-luanch game if they went at it for a few days.

Mall Madness: We have learned that Milton Bradley was behind the rise of several 1980s/1990s pop singers like Debbie Gibson and Tiffany as an excuse to promote in-mall concerts which, in turn, would create in-mall madness.

Twister: While the game has always been a success, Milton Bradley Corporation did realize that they would eventually experience a dramatic lull in sales as people started playing video games and stopped playing Twister. So, in the early 1920s, during a trip to Europe, they created an arrangement with a German fitness expert to develop a form of exercise that, after a beta test period of around 60 years, would create an army of consumers who were ready-made to carry Twister into the 21st century. The result? Pilates.

Go To The Head Of The Class: Orginally released in 1940, this game was MB's first attempt to control the growing medium of television. While it took forty years, they were successful in the form of a co-branding effort that took the form of the ABC sitcom, "Head of the Class" featuring "WKPR" veteran Howard Hessermen and Robin Givens

While we were initially shocked and appalled, we ultimately were not surprised by this. After all, this modern-day Keyser Soze was able to convince Cubs management to pay him $30 million over three years so why couldn't he affect world events?