The Ted Lilly Fan Club

TLFC Says, "Taste It! New York Times"

noreply@blogger.com (Official Ted Lilly Fan Club) — Mon, 13 Jul 2009 08:00:00 +0000

One of our favorite posts of all-TLFC-time was our Feb 13, 2008 take-down of New York Times Business / Entertainment "Journalist" David Carr. You can click through to see the whole thing, but basically, we were upset Carr said this:

"Every few years, the baseball owners announce that there's a new austerity in the air and that they won't overspend on players. But just before spring training starts, they get nervous and suddenly sign a pitcher like Ted Lilly - the baseball equivalent of an assistant gag writer on "Two and a Half Men" - gets something like 10 million."

Back then, we wrote an impassioned defense that basically tore Carr's article to shreds. Shockingly, we never heard anything. So today, we follow up:

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July 13th, 2009

Dear Mr. Carr,

In our previous letter, dated 13 Feb 08, we took umbrage with the pathetic dribble you 'wrote' in an article entitled, 'Who Won The Writers Strike?' published on 12 Feb 08. We apologize for the emotional tone of that letter, the subject of Ted Lilly brings out the best, and worst, inside of us.

However, given recent events we would like to offer you a second chance to correct or redact your statements. Sir, Ted Lilly is an All-Star and All-Stars deserve respect.

It is clear to us that you continue to see an 'assistant gag writer on "Two and a Half Men"' as someone not at the top of their field. We again disagree with your assessment of Two And A Half Men; the show is hilarious (that Charlie Sheen! and that kid!) and your elitist East Coast Bias probably prevents your reading the Nielson's correctly. Seeing that there have been no Atlantic Monthly Articles telling you to think differently, we believe you still do not respect Ted Lilly

A reasonable person would realize that the worlds, "All Star" are deserving respect. Mr. Lilly was named to the team by his peers, meaning that professionals most able to assess the quality of his work believe he is in the top tier of their craft.

We would appreciate a correction or redaction at the earliest possible convenience.

Once again, if ignored, we will continue not to purchase your newspaper. In fact, we will call on the legions of TedHeads world-wide to only view your content via your free, online, web service. If that service is no longer free, we will happily switch to a 'newspaper' of similar stature namely, the New York Post.

Warmly,

Ted Lilly Fan Club (TLFC)

Day Of Days: What A Tedtastic Victory

noreply@blogger.com (Official Ted Lilly Fan Club) — Sat, 11 Jul 2009 22:42:00 +0000

Okay--so maybe it's the Iced Sankas that we started rocking in the 7th inning to offset the plentiful Bud Extras in innings 1-6 but our collective Fan Club heart is still racing after today's victory over the Red Birds.

True to his nature, Ted Lilly gave Cub Nation everything he had, putting the team on his back when they needed him most. Team sparkplug and master gumbo chef Ryan Theoriot summed it up best in his post-game interview, "Ted is a gamer and gives everything he has every time he takes the ball."

Ted's final All-Star caliber line? 8 innings pitched, 4 hits, 1 earned run, 4 strikeouts, and one balk. Just a little classic TL seasoning before he heads down I-55 to the All-Star Game.

Even more importantly, Ted improved to 9-6, including 6-1 at Wrigley this year w/ a sub 2 ERA as well as notching his 100th career victory. Virtual tip of the hat, Ted, on the 100th career victory but remember: act like you've been there before--when the TLFC posted our 100th blog, we simply looked ahead and started planning blog #101. It's how we were taught.

Few game notes:

After the near-disaster in the 9th inning w/ Marmot, it's pretty clear that Sweet Lou should have left TL in to finish his complete game masterpiece/opus. While Ted's not one to hold grudges, we wonder if it's smart to piss off the best chance the Cubs have at the playoffs. That said, Goggles is starting to look fairly reliable in the closer's role.

Not sure that it gets much worse than the NAMBLA-friendly man-love sessions in the 7th inning between Tim McCarver and Joe Buck. While our hatred for Buck has been well-noted, we can't believe that Fox continues to use them. We'd much prefer the Fox NFL Robot or a hopped-up-on-goofballs Rush Limbaugh to these two idiots.

Speaking of McCarver, just us or does he look the walking dead? During said man-love session in the broadcast booth, there were far too many close-ups of him which made us wonder aloud if we should pick him or Pat Summeral in the next TLFC Death Pool

Balk call in 4th was ridiculous. You miss with Ted once, shame on you. You miss with Ted twice, shame on you...and so on and so forth.

Not sure if STL man-boy SP Brad Thompson would be more at home on the pitcher's mound or at a Jonas Bros. concert (sorry, Brad--Kevin Jonas is taken)

Quick entertainment update: Between Sir Elton and the former Mr. Christie Brinkley performing at Wrigley next week and Eddie Money playing at the Cubby Bear, we're not sure if there has ever been a greater consolidation of musical talent w/in a two-block radius in the history of the world.

Ted Lilly Fan Club makes the trip to Wrigley tomorrow to bask in the warmth of Post-TL Victory sunshine for the 1st game of the double-header against STL.

Keep firing it up, TedHeads, .500 baseball never tasted so sweet.

Ted Lilly Start #18: Revenge Of The Fallen

noreply@blogger.com (Official Ted Lilly Fan Club) — Sat, 11 Jul 2009 11:21:00 +0000

While we'd never go so far as to call Ted "Optimus Prime" (we'll settle for 'demi-god', 'BAMF' or just simply "Teddy Baseball"), the latest Transformers movie seemed to be a perfect fit for today's Ted Lilly start preview as, today, Ted will lead the Cubs to victory and seek revenge for his fallen teammates (looking squarely in your direction, Rich Harden!).

Let's just cut to brass tacks, TedHeads--we need this, you need this, Cub Nation needs this.

At a darkest moment, we need a certain 5'10" lefty from Torrance, CA (home of the all-new, sleek, powerful yet, luxurious, Acura TL) to lift us up, take us on his sculpted back and lead us to the promised land where all of heaven's angels will sing the "Go Ted Go" victory chant.

In his last tilt, Ted notched his 13th quality start, holding the Brewers to two runs on nine hits over 6 1/3 innings, while striking out nine. Always receptive to home field fan (let him hear it, TedHeads!), Ted now stands at 5-1 at Wrigley with a sub 2.00 ERA. However, (Nerd Alert! Nerd Alert!), like the Transformers losing the All-Spark, Ted lost to the Cardinals on May 19, giving up three runs on four hits over seven innings.

And, of course, we all remember Ted's famous soul-crushing, bone-breaking, moral-destroying death blow on Yadier Molina (see above) except for maybe MADD Poster Child Tony LaRussa who, post that blow, said about Ted, "I'll let the other team talk about him," La Russa fumed afterward. "I have no comment about him."

Turn your back on Ted? Ignore his face-melting Lillyhammer? Are you kidding LaRussa? That's maybe the dumbest decision you made since throwing back a few Zimas before driving home to play with your multitude of animal friends.

Anyway, disparaging truths about the STL manager aside, with more than a few Sankas flowing through our collective fan club body, we know that today, this 11th day of July, shall be our Tedenpendence Day.

With that, we welcome in Bill Pullman for today's guest prediction, said in his signature gravely voice: 6.2 IP, 7 Ks, 2 BB, 1 HR (standard), 1-2 at the plate and one unifying speech from Ted that will unite the Cubs clubhouse and/or Planet Earth in a battle against space aliens.

Ted Lilly Fan Club Gives Honda Motors, Makers of Acura TL, A Second Chance...

noreply@blogger.com (Official Ted Lilly Fan Club) — Tue, 07 Jul 2009 20:21:00 +0000

... to connect with the only demographic willing to purchase and repurchase a car, every. damn. year. Those consumers? TedHeads. The Car? A Torrance, CA built, affordable workhorse, the Acura TL.

A few weeks back, we began a vendetta against Honda Motors for not giving credit-where-credit-was due. Namely, not admitting that their inspiration, ne reason d'etre, was our own 5'10" hero, Ted "Friend of Animals/Built in 300-Horsepower Engine, National League All-Star, and Bad Ass Mother F*~cker" Lilly.

Part of our diatribe was an email to Mr. Steven Center, Vice President of Advertising and Public Relations at American Honda Motor Co (parent of Acura). Shockingly, we heard nothing in response. Not being afraid to admit when we're wrong (and looking for handouts), we write again.

Mr. Steven Center (and / or Mr. Center's personal assistant),
VP Advertising and Public Relations
Honda Motor Company
TedHead Emeritus (possibly)

Dear Sir,

Despite immortality, the inability to feel pain, and ability to speak to animals, Ted Lilly does sometimes make mistakes. Whether these mistakes are hanging curve balls or destroying door fixtures with accidental use of his superhuman strength, Ted always gets back out there and makes things right. Our motto, as the Ted Lilly Fan Club, is to live like Ted. As such, our letter from 7 July 2009 was a mistake and we apologize profusely.

We would like to offer our services to bury the hatchet like a Ted Lilly curve buries his opponents. Our offer is this:

We will attend the upcoming All Star Game in St. Louis and "blog" about our experiences, featuring the stellar performance of one Ted Lilly along with the sleek, power, and drivability of the Acura TL.

We will rent or precure (by other, possibly illegal, means) an Acura TL and drive to and from said event.

As you well know, the future of new media is in the world of social networking, blogs, and these twitter thingy's. We can provide access to that world and, along with it, access to the free spending and ridiculously well paid world of TedHeads... worldwide.

Our internal TLFC research has shown that TedHeads have 82% more disposable income than non-TedHeads and that we are 75% more likely to be swayed by automakers who court us directly. Numbers clearly don't lie, sir--you'd be doing your shareholders a diservice by NOT hiring us.

Please let us know if you would like us to represent your brand in this manner and likewise we can decide if we'd like you to represent our brand--very much a symbiotic relationship.

We can be reached at tedlillyrules@gmail.com.

Warmly,
TLFC

That's about it, Tedheads. We admit when we're wrong. Now, Steven Center-it's your turn.

Ted Lilly Fan Club Open Letter: “Will Someone Please Send Us To St. Louis To Cover Ted Lilly At The All-Star Game?”

noreply@blogger.com (Official Ted Lilly Fan Club) — Tue, 07 Jul 2009 08:00:00 +0000

Dear Chicago Tribune/Red Eye/Chicago Sun-Times/Sporting News/ESPN Chicago/Chicagoist/Crain's Chicago Business,

Now that the initial euphoria of Ted being named an National League All-Star has subsided a little bit (editor’s note: euphoria has not at all subsided), we come to you, oh great media outlets in hopes that, in your infinite wisdom, you will take us on as a guest columnist to cover Ted Lilly’s trip down to St. Louis for the upcoming MLB All-Star Game on July 14th.

Truthfully, as loyal Cubs fans, we would never willfully ask to be sent to St. Louis for a few days but this is one of those once-in-a-lifetime situations and we need your help.

Of course, this is a clear win-win. Would you send a finance reporter to cover a local murder trial? Or hire a tech columnist to talk about environmental issues?

Of course not—that’d just be plain silly. So, why send a non-Ted Lilly fan to cover Ted Lilly? Alright, we understand, everyone is a fan of TL, but what other Ted Lilly fans have written nearly 450 posts over three glorious years of worship?

Agreed--- this is probably a really really bad idea but we can help shoulder some of your burden in these tight economic times. Here’s what we’re willing to offer in exchange for press credentials and some nominal expenses (ie rent-a-car, one (1) bag of Cheetos, and one (1) Travis Tritt cassette tape:

Unbiased coverage of All-Star Game festivities

Biased fawning/editorial coverage of ATT (All Things Ted) including subtle nose-thumbing at the city of St. Louis and their less-than-Cub-friendly fans

Hard-hitting locker room interviews w/ whoever we can cajole into speaking with us

Use of big-time, English major words like ‘cajole’

Ability to say that your outlet is "hip" and "with it" through the use of blogging and Twitter (both of which the TLFC will use to its fullest extent)

Look. You need blanket coverage of All-Star Weekend - It's a hip, fun, weekend that all those primo ad targets want to read about. Jimmy Greenfield isn't going to heave his way through the All- Star 5k Fun Run. No one wants to watch Gordon Wittenmyer sway to Leaving Las Vegas under the Arch. You need us on that Wall!

We were serious last year when we invited Ted to the Super Bowl and we’re very very serious now. Since we’re a democratic fan club, we’ll stick to the first come, first serve rule.

Yours In NL All-Star Ted (YINLAST),
TLFC

Ted Lilly Chosen As All-Star, Ted Lilly Fan Club Asks, “Is This Heaven?”

noreply@blogger.com (Official Ted Lilly Fan Club) — Mon, 06 Jul 2009 00:53:00 +0000

While we here at the Ted Lilly Fan Club (TLFC) already knew that Ted was going to be named an National League All-Star (by virtue of a quick trip to the future in the TLFC Delorean that we bought at a Christopher Lloyd garage sale), we didn't want to ruin the surprise for the growing legion of TedHeads across the country (would be akin to telling little TedHeads that the Easter Bunny or Santa Ted isn't real--just not right).

Ted joins other fantasy gold pitchers on the senior circuit's roster including Johan Santana and Tim Lincecum. Even better, Ted was picked for the squad over Brewers "staff ace" Yovani Gollardo (suck it Chicago Jr. and double suck it Bleacher Report).

Let's start with Ted, "I'm excited, looking forward to it. I hope I get an opportunity to pitch in it. That would be fun. It's a great honor for me and I'm very excited to represent our club," he said. "But, obviously, the whole goal for us is getting into October"

Little does Ted know that the TLFC has already done the dirty work (again--Delorean) and, 93% of TedHeads agree, Ted should pitch all nine innings in St. Louis.

Let's continue with the TLFC, "Ridiculous. Is this heaven? This is probably the best gift that the city of St. Louis has ever received since they got the Arch and indoor-plumbing. You can thank us later."

We're still checking but we've gotten a few emails into the TLFC mainframe (nicknamed "Big Ted") that are telling us that a) Chicago Tribune scribe/all-around locker room creep Paul Sullivan tried to stuff the ballot boxes in Ted's favor (despite the fact that pitchers are not on the ballot), NL/Phillies Manager Charlie Manuel is scouting Lilly for the eventual NLCS Game 7 and that Ted himself was inspired by Ted Lilly t-shirt day on Sunday (final bottom line? 7 ks, 0 walks and a few runs en route to win #8).

More to come Ted Heads as the MLB All-Star game nears but, as start, we're going to guarantee you a) in-depth coverage of the game (feels like a whiskey-fueled live blog) b) creepy Craig's List-esque "Casual Encounters" photos of TLFC members in TL All-Star shirts (faces blurred) and a special, once-in a life, guest prediction.

Happy 233rd Birthday America. Now, Where Do We Put All These Candles?

noreply@blogger.com (Official Ted Lilly Fan Club) — Thu, 02 Jul 2009 19:52:00 +0000

Well, TedHeads---we're a few minutes away from packing up the TLFC Family Truckster w/ orange slices/extra Sanka and taking the whole FC up to Wisco for a few days of rest, relaxation and quiet snobbery over our rube cousins to the north (we might also "upper deck" every toilet we find in the cheese state).

The TLFC Super Computer is already pre-lubed w/ zinc oxide, we have the officially-branded TLFC bean-bag game ready to go and Ted Lilly's hawk, Fury, is excited to spend a few days outdoors with his former co-workers.

However, before we shut down the TLFC Main Frame (nicknamed Big Ted) and put the Door Club on the FC entryways, we did want to take a moment to wish America a happy and healthy 233rd birthday. We were going to bake America a cake but it's bathing suit season and all that flour and sugar would just go to its thighs--tsk tsk tsk.

While most of us will never experience a 233rd birthday (except for Ted given that he's immortal), we think that America looks pretty good for its age (except for the whole "sitting on the brink of war w/ North Korea and Iran AND obsession with Jon & Kate + Eight" thing).

Enjoy the holiday and feel free to not blow your TedHead hands off with illegal fireworks from Indiana (we usually give black cats to the summer campers at TL's Summer Camp For Kids Who Can't Read Good and that traditionally goes over well).

As for predictions, we think that the Cubs will take 3/4 from the Brewers and that the rockets' red glare and bombs bursting in air will give proof through the night that our flag is still there.

Fire it up Patriotic TedHeads!

Cubs Offense Wets Their Pants Again In Lilly Loss

noreply@blogger.com (Official Ted Lilly Fan Club) — Wed, 01 Jul 2009 01:32:00 +0000

Normally, if your starting pitcher goes 7 innings with 7 strikeouts, 2 earned runs and only 2 walks, you'd feel that you have a pretty good chance at a victory.

When you throw in the additional fact that you're playing the Pittsburgh Pirates, you'd probably feel even more safe betting the TLFC mortgage on a Cubs victory.

But you'd be wrong.

Once again, the Cubs offense offered up a solid middle finger to the Cubs pitching staff in the form of scoring no runs and only scattering six hits against Russ f-ing Ohlendorf. Let's repeat that for prosperity sake: Russ F-ing Ohlendorf held us scoreless. W.T.F. Somewhere, the Russ Ohlendorf Fan Club (ROFC) is having a good laugh at the TLFC's expense and that sucks.

We're not even sure what to say right now. We'll let other Cubs blogs and/or Carrie Muskat talk about how the Samardjzia call-up is the key to our resurgence--we stand by the fact that he's got girl hair and should stay in the minors. We need to untangle the ball of haze going on right now at the major league level.

Of course, thanks to the chemical imbalance that comes with a steady nine-inningdiet of Sanka, Bud Extra and Bugles, we are all sorts of cranked out right now and can't believe that, despite another quality Ted start, the Cubs lost again.

Even worse, this seriously jepordizes TL's trip down south to St. Louis for the All-Star game (despite the fact that 93% of TedHeads believe that Ted should pitch all nine innings in the game) and puts us into a weird position with Soriano for the pity roster spot.

Our final thought is that we hope/pray/need Randy Wells to plunk a Pirate in the throat tomorrow to fire this team up a little bit...

Ted Lilly Start #16: Russ Ohlendorf Is Bizarro Ted Lilly

noreply@blogger.com (Official Ted Lilly Fan Club) — Tue, 30 Jun 2009 13:32:00 +0000

Unlike Ted Lilly himself (who has no beginning or end), the TLFC did have a childhood and, in that childhood, we loved comic books and were particularly interested in the adventures of Superman which, naturally, led us to our present adoration of a certain 5'10" Superman from CA.

During these years of reading these comic books, we grew increasingly knowledgeable on Superman, his likes (Lois Lane, tight pants), dislikes (bald super villains, kryptonite), favorite color (red and blue--tie) etc. which was seemingly a waste of time until today when, in analyzing today's pitching match-up, we realized suddenly that Ross Ohlendork is the MLB's version of the Bizarro Superman--the evil twin/doppleganger to our super hero Ted BAMF Lilly.

In between fits of shuddering, convulsions and warm milk from TLFC House Mom Brenda, we pulled out that old collection to do a little more research and confirmed that Russ Ohlendork is indeed Bizarro Ted. Since we we're not sure that TedHeads have an in-house Comic Book Library and Depository (CBLAD) to do your own research, let's look at the facts:

Basic Physical Make-Up: Ted is a lefty, Russ is a righty. Clearly--opposites.

Hometown: For U.S. Census purposes only, Ted is listed as having a Torrance, CA hometown (we all know that he's immortal, thus having no 'home') while Russ is from Texas. Both hail from big states but both states are wildly opposite in terms of politics, music styles and stance on drive-thru bars (Texas? Yes. California? No).

Education: Ted spent his formative years at Fresno City Junior College--honest, blue-collar, hard-working while fancy pants Russ went to Princeton where he majored in elitism, drinking with his pinky raised and reading Kurt Vonnegut.

Philanthropic Interests: Ted is a Comcast OnDemand celebrity through his participation in the Cubs Reading Program as well as his own private School For Kids Who Can't Read Good (editor's note: this is a 501(C)3 program so stay away IRS), which has earned him the nickname "Mr. Wonderful" around local orphanages. Bizarro Ted has the nickname, "Mr. Wonderful" because his last name sounds likes someone from WWFD.

So, there you have it, TedHeads...we are not just looking at a "normal" TL start (normal defined as "normally awesome" or "normally Tedtastic") but potentially a world-ending tilt where two men collide in a epic nine-inning battle.

With that sense of doom and destruction top-of-mind, we welcome in Robert Roy Pool, writer of the movie "Armageddon" for today's prediction: 7 IP, 6Ks, 3BBs, 1 HR (standard TL), 2 flaming meteorite induced explosions, and one awkward (ed. note, but beautiful) romance between Ben Affleck and Liv Tyler.

Ummmmm, Robert--we're only talking about Cubs baseball, can we stay focused here?

Revised: 7 IP, 6Ks, 3BBs, 1 HR (standard TL) and one awkward romance between Tribune beat writer Paul Sullivan and the entire Cubs lockerroom.

Ted Lilly Knows The Future

noreply@blogger.com (Official Ted Lilly Fan Club) — Mon, 29 Jun 2009 06:55:00 +0000

Ho Hum. DeRosa goes to Cardinals.

We don't do "transaction analysis" here, we're more of the "obsessive worship of a single man-god with glorious muscle tone and a soul crushing arsenal of off-speed pitches,"-type place.

However, if we did do 'analysis' we'd still say that trading Mark DeRosa was a logical move that few people would be discussing had the Cubs won 3 or 4 more games than they've lost. The Cubs would then be 38-34 and talking about chasing the division instead of 35-37 and musing over the Apocalypse and why we signed the Board Game king.

Furthermore, had A-Ram not gone out with a freak injury, The DeRosa Crisis would be a footnote. Sure, DeRo was your classic clubhouse guy and fan favorite, but if Bradley improves even slightly he will supplant Dero's production. And yes, we still love the Bradley signing, but that might be because we obsess over a guy who allegedly punched his manager (ed note, Gibbons had it comin'!) and so our thresehold for raining down moral judgement on a baseball player is pretty darned high (ed. note: specicifically 5'10" inches high)

Long and short of it. Basically, what we're saying, if we did do "analysis," that it has taken an absurd confluence of events to make the DeRosa trade look like the Lou Brock trade and, even then, we still think it kinda makes sense. One year left in his contract, off of a great season, desperate need for prospects in system... like we said, kinda makes sense... But again, we're not in the analysis business, we're in the obsessive business. So being the case, Ted Lilly likely can travel through time and most certainly can see into the future.

Case-in-point, TL's comments to Cubs.com writer Carrie Muskat:

"I think once the game starts and we get going, there will be a lot of cheers when Mark strikes out with men on second and the game on the line," Lilly said.

This prognostication - nee a sign - is Ted's way of telling Cub fans, "There is hope." Has Ted ever been wrong before? Nope. Remember 1944, when Ted predicted that the weather would be clear over the channel? We do. That wasn't meteorology, that was Ted knowing the future.... and Tedheads, the future looks bright.

Ted Lilly's Man Crush? Home Runs

noreply@blogger.com (Official Ted Lilly Fan Club) — Thu, 25 Jun 2009 20:44:00 +0000

Maybe it's the fact that he equates home runs to fire works (and he looooves fireworks) or maybe he felt bad that Mags hadn't hit a home run in 40 games (spoken in Sosa-ian Spanglish) or maybe it's simply because he weirdly promised a sick child at Detroit Receiving Hospital that he'd give up 2 HRs/10Hs/6 ERs today in his start but we can't deny the truth: Ted Lilly loves the long ball.

Sure, this was Ted's first loss in a month. Sure, he still has mind-blowing abs but this loss still really hurt.

We got swept by the Tigers?!? The F-ing Tigers? Only time the Tigers have ever been cool was when Magnum PI started rocking their hat in the mid-1980s and that might have only been because he had a very solid mustache (remember: members of the TLFC are still perpetually stuck in Stage 3 of Facial Hair Growth Life Stages--also known as Wicker Park Whiskers).

Cubs now sink one game below .500 at a not-so-sweet 34-35 as we march (slump?) into this weekend's second installment of the crosstown classic. At least, instead of dealing with bankrupt automakers in Detroit, we can focus on AJ Pierzynski taunts and questionable Ozzie jokes...

Ted Lilly Start #15: Here Comes The Streak

noreply@blogger.com (Official Ted Lilly Fan Club) — Thu, 25 Jun 2009 13:59:00 +0000

As our roller-coaster season continues, Ted Lilly gets the ball today against the Tigers in one of his final tune-ups before his eventual no-hitter in the upcoming MLB All-Star game in St. Louis.

While the Cubs have been up and down recently, lost in the shuffle has been Derrek Lee's resurgence to fantasy baseball prominence (prominence = starting spot) highlighted by his not-yet-DiMaggio-friendly 22-game hitting streak.

This streak got us thinking about what other streaks various Cubs players (present and past) might secretly have going.

Ted Lilly: 31 straight years of being badass (ed note, Ted Lilly is actually immortal)
Milton Bradley: 31 straight years trying to convince the world that he is a) related to the game-board empire and b) came up with idea for Mall Madness
Todd Hundley: 15 straight days watching "Price Is Right" in locker room without pants
Paul Sullivan: 15 straight days for the Tribune scribe hanging out weirdly close to Todd Hundley during his no-pants phase
Mark Grace: 5 straight days of "Slump Busting" with women over two bills.
David Patton: 10 straight years of reminding people of James Gumb from "Silence of the Lambs"? Baby puts the lotion in the basket...
Sammy Sosa: Soon to be 5-10 years as someone's "lady friend" in Illinois Correctional for lying to Congress. Doubt his Spanglish is going to go over too well in prison...
Dusty Baker - 34 straight games of calling Jason Dubious, "Justin"
Joe Borowski---Fresh off his Mexican League career, 21 straight days eating only churros

And there you have it, TedHeads...credible blog proof that Derrek Lee is not the only one that carried the burden of a streak. While we are most impressed with TL's streak of infinite BAMF-ness, we also give a nice tip of the hat to the other folks (except for Sullivan and Sosa--you two are not welcome at the TLFC 4th of July Party)...

With that in mind, we welcome in Ray Stevens (known best for his 1974 opus, "the Streak") for today's prediction:

6.2 IP, 1 ER, 7 Ks, 3BBs and 2 Lady TedHeads arrested for running onto the field in an admirable but illegal/Mrs. Lilly-upsetting attempt to touch Ted and get a lock of his hair for cloning purposes

"Ted likes all kinds of bread"

noreply@blogger.com (Official Ted Lilly Fan Club) — Wed, 24 Jun 2009 16:50:00 +0000

Don't be deceived, that haze is TL's aura, not camera smudges

We get all sorts of mail here at the TLFCHQ. Fan mail, hate mail, mail from Nigerian Bankers that are going to help make us rich (!), but our favorite type of mail is something "the kids" call "Email." We recently received an "Email" from Tedhead, "Elizabeth," that we'd like to share with you. "Elizabeth" attended the most recent TL start at Wrigley. Below is her account (because our egos dictate we get involved, everything we've bolded are our additions):

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Hello TLFC, (ed note, Hi Elizabeth!)

Long time reader and commenter here. I'm writing to tell you about the absolutely wonderful day at Wrigley that commenter Ryen and I had this last Saturday--Tedsday. Now among our group of friends, we are the biggest Ted Heads, hands down. (ed note, we're the ones TL tatoos on our backs, that probably puts us in contention, are we not your friend?) We will sit in front of the TV and replay those Lillyhammers and appreciate the beauties that they are, so we HAD to go see Ted!

Have you come across the Comcast on Demand clips from last season where different Cubs, including Ted, goread to children? Well if not (but I doubt this) (ed. note, strangely, we don't have this Comcast that you speak of), his story involved cornbread. Since then, we are convinced Ted loves cornbread, so to pay homage to the lovable lefty, Ryen brought some cornbread. I told her we should keep hold of it just in case we would be able to give it to Ted. We saw him come onto the field for his pregame warmups (read: victory lap), so we walked on over to see if he'd come hang out. I was wearing my TL jersey, and Ryen had on a shirt that reads "Ted Lilly is a badass--Yadier Molina" (!) that she made last season. As we were patiently waiting, bullpen catcher, Corey Miller came up to us and told Ryen he liked her shirt, and that he showed it to Ted and that Ted liked it!! (!!) We asked if Ted could possibly come over, but he was in pregame mode, so we weren't TOO disappointed (Ted is, after all, serious business). So we asked Corey if Ted liked cornbread, to which he said "Ted likes all kinds of bread" (!!!). TED LIKES CARBS. We asked if he could possibly give him the piece of cornbread we had on our behalf, and he said "sure" (in a confused kind of way).

We were so glad that we got the bread to Ted, but confused as to why no one else was up front with hopes of meeting him (well, TedHeads are a special kind of people)!

-Elizabeth

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So true, Elizabeth, so damned true. Not sure why other Tedheads weren't clamoring for a whiff of the essence of Ted, but its possible they feared their brains would explode if Ted spoke to them... we certainly fear that scenario.

If you have any Tedrific TL stories you'd like to share (looking at you Paul Sullivan), email us at tedlillyrules@gmail.com and we may even post them. Thanks again to Elizabeth and Ryen for the material! Tedsday tomorrow!

With American Idol in Chicago, Simon Declares, 'Ted Lilly Is The World's Idol'

noreply@blogger.com (Official Ted Lilly Fan Club) — Tue, 23 Jun 2009 13:37:00 +0000

As "American Idol" fever swept the streets of Chicago yesterday, thousands of hopefuls packed the United Center for the remote chance of following in the footsteps of other "Idol" celebrities like Fantasia, Ruben Studdard and Clay Aiken.

According to a report from the Chicago Tribune's bastard step-child Red Eye, during the auditions, people dressed as "dress as hot dogs, witches and pimps" and "those who made the cut Monday will audition before executive producers later in the summer, and the lucky survivors of those cuts will return to Chicago in August to sing for Simon Cowell, Paula Abdul, Randy Jackson and Kara DioGuardi."

However, while the judges did not participate in these auditions, the TLFC's own in-house fanzine/ newspaper, The Daily Scout was able to secure some face-time and soundbites from the judges.

First, Randy commented on Ted, "You the Ted now, Dog" before offering up fist-bumps as a sign that he fully approves of TL. Granted, Ted traditionally only fist-bumps his trusty hawk, Fury (okay so maybe it's more a talon bump) but we'll allow this transgression this time.

Then, Paula joined in, "You take two steps forward, I take two steps back in my ability to not obsess over Ted" (she then spent the rest of the interview fawning over Ted's Idoltastic abs and asking where MC Skat Cat was.)

Someone named Kara DioGuardi is apparently the newest American Idol judge, but we don't actually watch the show (ed note - not true, we watch religiously) so we're not sure what her catch phrase is. We can only assume she'd comment on the true genius of a Ted Lilly inside change-up and marvel at TL's Ox -esque muscle power.

Finally, the king of the t-shirt and acerbic barb, Simon quieted the room with a simple but resounding statement, "In all my years in the industry, Ted Lilly is hands-down the best performer slash entertainer slash alpha male that I have ever seen. He IS the world's Idol."

Truer words have never been spoken, TedHeads...

A Tedriffic Weekend (At Least That's What People Tell Us)

noreply@blogger.com (Official Ted Lilly Fan Club) — Mon, 22 Jun 2009 09:37:00 +0000

Whew! Where did that weekend go!?!

We know. It went in a bottle. A bottle of sweet, sweet, victory cut with some tasty TL soda, served in an Ivy colored glass full of sunshine. Only trouble is, a couple of these 'Teds On a Beach' cocktails makes for one nasty hangover.

One nasty hangover means little-to-no blog post-TL start from the TLFC (sorry). Yesterday our eyes couldn't stand the normally warm, embracing, glow and mind-numbing processing hum from our Ted Lilly Fan Club Super Computer, so we're here today... albeit briefly (three Sankas down, one to go).

Jake MF'in Fox. The TLFC isn't going to sit here and say, "This guy is awesome" because anyone with his name is probably a pretty cool dude and you don't need to hear that. What we are going to say is that Jake Fox will win the Gold Glove at Third Base. There. How about that?

Our Tedtatisic / TITLM moment? Still alive and kicking.

Randy Wells gets his first win. We still prefer Smarsh in this roll but tip of the hat to you, Mr. Wells. Hope that you put that game ball in a case and sent it to your parents in Bellville, IL so that they can put in on the mantle next to your 4-H Club merit badge

Via our pals at CNLOHO, the Tribune reported Mark DeRosa as saying, "It's going to take an immovable object for me not to face Ted Lilly with the wind blowing out." Dero did not play. The Immovable Object: Ted Lilly. Check and mate.

In a shocking display of unity, 93% of TedHeads polled think TL should go 9 innings at the All Star Game. Now, we've already tweeted (how hip are we?) that Ted could also play the field and let some other people pitch, but the results of this poll lend a more interesting question: If TLFC has managed to establish this kind of awesome group think regarding Ted Lilly, how else could we wield the power of TedHead Nation? Start a PAC? Develop a Private Mercanary force for Ted? Possibilities are endless...

Finally, we saw another Acura TL model this weekend and, frankly Tedheads, we've had about enough of this. We've already called out Mr. Steven Center, Vice President of Advertising and Public Relations at American Honda Motor Co (parent of Acura), but we're about to take this further--feels like a million TedHead march on Honda HQ but stay tuned.

Dumpster goes tonight as the Cubs continue their 2009 Andrew Jackson Memorial Tour of Native American Ballclubs against the Braves...

Ted Lilly Start #14: Dream A Little Dream

noreply@blogger.com (Official Ted Lilly Fan Club) — Sat, 20 Jun 2009 00:51:00 +0000

While some might think that our headline refers to a certain Corey Haim/Corey Feldman vehicle from the year 1989 (also known as the Golden Age of Cinema), yesterday's second straight come-from-behind victory reaffirms that, with a little hope and pluck, we can still hope for a Cubs post-season and eventual TL perfect game in game 7 of the World Series.

However, in order to get there, we know that Ted can't do it alone (editor's note: Ted, in fact, can do it alone but will probably choose not to). So, in the spirit of collaboration and Cubs synergy, we invited in our friends, Steve and John, at Wasting Away In Wrigleyville for a guest spot on the blog.

Are we lazy? Maybe. Are we too hopped up on Sanka around a TedsDay start to type a whole blog? Probably...but we appreciate their alcohol-fueled brand of Cubs blogging so when you're sick of countless posts about Ted's abs or soapbox rants on how much we hate Joe Buck, do yourself a favor and jump on over to their blog. So, gentleman---you have the conch:

From Wasting Away In Wrigleyville's John:
Were this Cubs season some sort of Disney Movie, the hours prior to Ted’s start on Saturday would be the character-developing (read: sort of boring) part where he has conflicting emotions about meeting his former comrades – Woody and DeRo – in the field of competition.

Of course, Ted being Ted, he’d think about it for six seconds before coming up with the perfect solution. He’d kick the crap out of the Indians, allowing DeRosa one infield hit and pegging the bejeezus out of his shoulder like a loving big brother to let the man go a respectable 1-3 on the day with 2 Ks. Swinging or looking, it doesn’t matter.

Ted proves to be merciful like a motherfucker that way. As for Woody, you don’t often get the chance to close games when your team’s hitters are in the fetal position, praying for death to a cruel an unmerciful god that hath brought the wrath of TL upon them like so many locusts – locusts with bitchin’ unhittable breaking balls.

Anyhow, for WAIW’s particular contribution to the TLFC prediction canon, I contemplated on TL’s status as an unstoppable force of nature. And I also reflected on other legends in my life. While most proved lacking when exposed to the shining light of TL, I did come up with one (admittedly inferior to Ted) parallel. I don’t suppose you’ve seen 1980’s Patrick Swayze vehicle Roadhouse? Stoic, NYU-educated bouncer Dalton (umm … just Dalton) proves a stoic, badass, nearly mythic figure throughout the 90-some minutes of this underrated TNT late night classic. I provide you with some quotes that I’m reasonably sure that both Dalton (fictional, but only just) and Theodore Roosevelt Lilly (real, but unbelievably so) have both uttered.

Presumably with the THUNDER OF ZEUS providing a suitably cacophonous and bowel-loosening background.

“Pain don’t hurt”

“Nobody ever wants to fight” (most likely sarcastic)
"Be nice. Until it's time to not be nice."
“My way … or the highway”

“Take the biggest guy in the world … shatter his knee and he’ll drop like a stone.” (YOU HEAR THAT, FIELDER, YOU FAT FUCK?!?)

“It’ll get worse before it gets better"

“You’re too stupid to have a good time”

“If you’re gonna have a pet, keep it on a leash” (Gotta curb Ankiel, Tony!)- (Ripping out a man’s throat with his bare hands, noticing oft-nude Kelly Lynch reacting in horror) “This isn’t what it looks like!”

Fuck yes. If I were a dying leukemia kid, I would ask to watch this movie with Ted Lilly, a couple bottles of Wild Turkey 101, and a bevy of the finest escorts 401 (c) (3) money could buy. I’m fairly certain that it would cure the disease, which is why I’ve begun a charity dedicated to this very ideal. But I digress.

In conclusion, Ted Lilly does not teabag, he potato sacks. Now, for the actual game prediction,

From Wasting Away In Wrigleyville's Steve:

Hello, fellow Tedheads, Steve here. This year, my rotation of games has it so I am at a high proportion of Ted Lilly starts (or high proportion of awesomeness (HPA)). With my HPA hovering at 60% (as defined a TLS divided by total games attended), I feel well versed to comment on the predicted outcome of his start on Saturday against the Indians. Lilly finds himself facing Tomo Ohka, who is new to the rotation. It is often not fair to place this sacrificial lamb against the Lilly, though he certainly has shown he can hold is own. Unfortunately, a gem of a game by an opposing pitcher pales in comparison to Ted De Beers Lilly (a picture of the Lilly’s face is the official flag of Antwerp).

The Lilly will start off on a streak, putting away the first 13 batters. But because the Lilly is compassionate, he will show mercy, allowing DeRosa to get a meaningless two-out single, after which, he will throw DeRosa out at first (compassion has its limits). The one-hit affair will be donned with an asterisk, as everyone will know the DeRosa hit was a gift of charity, rather than an official one.

The Lilly will last a strong 8 innings, before having to leave the game to rescue some kittens from a burning tree on Kenmore. His efforts will be rewarded, with both a win and an honorary badge from the city for his heroics. Cubs 4 , Indians 0.

Cub Fans Can Step Back From The Ledge As Soriano Saves Game In 9th

noreply@blogger.com (Official Ted Lilly Fan Club) — Thu, 18 Jun 2009 22:20:00 +0000

Yep, that's right--we led off w/ a suicide joke in the headline but, since we've already made a reference to Hitler this week, we figured that we've already crossed that proverbial line so this reference really won't make a difference in grand scheme of things.

Anyway, with our Catholic guilt aside, we can return to oh-so-clever blogging and focus on today's historic win over the White Sox. You might say to yourself, "self--why was this win historic?" Well, it was historic b/c we feel like yet another loss to the southsiders could have spelled doom for this squad and for this season.

However, in the darkest of moments, DLee, Geovanny Soto (again--we prefer the Italian spelling) and Soriano save the day with 5 RBIS in the last two innings to pull out the victory and help the good guys return to the treasured land of .500 basbeall.

Now, Cubs fans can breathe a collective sign of relief and step away from the ledge. With a weekend series against the Cleveland Native Americans (okay--so we're trying to make up a little bit for the above transgressions--we're an emotional fan club these days--cut us some slack), the Cubs have a strong chance to really start up the engines and gain a little momentum.

Barenaked Lady Superfan and Pride of British Columbia Rich Harden goes Friday with Papa Bear Ted Lilly getting the ball on TedsDay.

Ted Lilly Fan Club: Been Firing It Up Since 1996...

Cubs Lose To Sox As Offense Gets Lost In A "Where's Waldo" Puzzle

noreply@blogger.com (Official Ted Lilly Fan Club) — Wed, 17 Jun 2009 20:44:00 +0000

Hellllllooooooooooo mediocrity! Cubs Lose! Cubs Lose!

After Ted's sparkling performance on Flag Day which laid the foundation for the eventual Cubs win, we thought that we could steamroll the Southsiders and start gaining a little momentum. However, like Hitler on Germany's prospects for winning World War II, we were clearly incorrect.

In the latest edition of "Where In the World Is The Cubs Offense?", we could only muster a few hits against Marijuana-friendly John Danks before falling 4-1 to the ChiSox in the opening game of the Crosstown Classic.

In fact, we've been staring at the photo above for some time now and can only find Waldo (TLFC hint: he's wearing a red/white sweater) and not the Cubs offense.

We're not even going to get upset at Nanook of the North, Ryan Dempster who, overall, pitched a decent enough game w/ 6 IP, 3 earned runs and four Ks. And, truthfully, the pity run in the bottom of the 8th just made things worse.

Seriously. We need some offense. Is Mel Hall a free agent? Ohhh, that's right...

This one hurts, TedHeads but all is not lost w/ Big Z, Harden and Papa Bear TL going over the next three games. Keep remembering the Footsteps poem and all will be ok...

Crosstown Classic Preview: Guide For White Sox Fans

noreply@blogger.com (Official Ted Lilly Fan Club) — Tue, 16 Jun 2009 10:03:00 +0000

With the Crosstown Classic starting up today at Wrigley Field, we here at the TLFC thought that it might be helpful to give Chicago White Sox fans a few pointers and things to consider during their series against the Northsiders.

Finding The Right Bail Bondsman. As most ChiSox fans know, it’s very important that you find the right bail bondsman to help you get out of jail quickly after you inevitably get arrested at Wrigley. You need someone who knows the system and has the connections to ensure that you don’t become a fellow inmate’s “girlfriend for the night.”. We recommend Roche Bail Bonds (truthfully—we have never used Roche but they did pay for a google ad campaign which is good enough for us)

Determining The Right Cleat For Running On the Field With. While Cubs fans fondly remember Tinkers, Ever and/or Chance, ChiSox fans have a soft spot in their heart for the father/son tandem of William Ligue Senior and Junior who infamously rushed the field and attacked 1st Base Umpire Laz Diaz. According to ChiSox SuperFan Mike Kennedy, "you need a cleat with a metal spike--don't mess around with plastic. When you need to pick up speed after jumping the fence, you're gonna to want metal."

How To Handle A DUI Arrest. While you might have been fooled by television programs and blog posts, sucking on a penny prior while you drive home drunk from Wrigley will not prevent a DUI arrest by Chicago's finest. Other tactics that'll prove ineffective include singing Journey's "Wheel in the Sky" at the top of your lungs and trying to convince the public that Ozzie Guillen is, in fact, a good manager.

Why Getting Your GED Makes Sense. According to the US Census, someone with their high school diploma can expect to make about 33% more a year so the TLFC, always a supporter Education (as seen by Ted Lilly's School For Kids Who Can't Read Good), recommends that you head back to school Rodney Dangerfield-style and get your GED. Trust us, you and your illegitimate children will thank us later.

Big Z gets the ball against John Danks (enter marijuana joke here: ____) in the first game as the Cubs look to continue the streak. Feels like 7 IP, 6Ks, 1 walk and 1-3 at the plate.

TLFC says: "TITLM," MLB says: "ND"

noreply@blogger.com (Official Ted Lilly Fan Club) — Mon, 15 Jun 2009 07:40:00 +0000

MLB would call this a "ND," we would call it a "Win"

No Decision, huh? If MLB insists that yesterday's Tedtastic pitching performance was a "No Decision," instead of a what we feel was an "Uplifting and Truly Important Ted Lilly Moment (TITLM)" then we wonder how MLB scorers might judge other moments in history:

The Apollo Program: Man on the Moon, huge technical and emotional event for the history of the US. July 16, 1969. TLFC Verdict: Huge W - USA fulfills the challenge of the late President Kennedy, encourages huge interest in science and math, sets stage for technological age. MLB scores: No Decision - Kennedy called for "the long-range exploration of space," Mars still not visited.

Beverley Hills, 90210: Something In The Air (aka Donna Martin Graduates Episode) - The class, led by Brandon, rallies around Donna Martin to allow her to graduate. This is successful... or is it? Donna still gets a 'minor punishment.' TLFC Verdict: Huge Victory for Donna Martin, Democracy, and Freedom of Speech. MLB scorer: No Decision, Dylan didn't participate in rally.

The Battle of Waterloo: The British love to recall their Imperial greatness with this one. The Iron Duke delivered a brutal blow to Napoleon's hopes of Continental glory, setting the stage for his eventual defeat and the rise of Victorian England. Roughly one month later, Napoleon surrenders, begins exile. TLFC Verdict: Huge Win for the Brits, Huge loss for Tyranny. MLB Scorers: No Decision, Wellington - No Decision, mop-up man Frederick Lewis Miatland gets the Win for accepting Napoleon's surrender.

----

Our visceral hate for the Win Stat aside, we're not kidding about this win being a Truly Important Ted Lilly Moment. On June 10 2007, Cubs were 27 and 34 (27-34!) when we called Ted's beaning of Edgar Renteria, a TITLM that would inspire the squad. Cub's finish the season at 85-77 with a division crown, we open Ted Lily Fan Club Card Reading and Physchic Friends Network (TLFCCRAPFN).

Similar scene this time around. Cubbies, in the dumps, get a gritty, warrior- esque performance from their spiritual leader, then do their part to win it in the Ninth. That's how these things start. We still believe - Cubs 2009 Division Champs, who's on board?

Ted Lilly Start #13: Thirteen Things Better Than Joe Buck And His New HBO Program

noreply@blogger.com (Official Ted Lilly Fan Club) — Sun, 14 Jun 2009 12:27:00 +0000

Helloooooooo mediocrity! Cubs lose! Cubs lose!

This past week, in advance of this weekend's series against the Twinkies, the TLFC jumped on a plane and headed north to Minnesota to scout the competition. While we spent most of our time riding the roller coaster in the Mall of America, re-living scenes from "Little Big League" and watching for any Deanna Favre sightings, we also had some down time in our hotel room where we, unfortunately, caught a promo for Joe Buck's new show on HBO.

While the TLFC has repeatedly cited our contempt, nay loathing for one Joseph Francis Buck (links here, here and here), we got physically repulsed when we saw that HBO actually gave this hack his own show.

Mr. Buck--we know Bob Costas and, sir, you are no Bob Costas (editor's note: we actually don't know Bob Costas but we do know a short guy named Bob with good hair, figure that counts).

To celebrate this sign that the world is, in fact, heading down the pooper as well as to spotlight TL's start today at 1:20 pm, we decided to list thirteen (13) others things that are better than Joe Buck and his new program on HBO.

Thirteen Things Better Than Joe Buck

13. Hammertime video on YouTube
12. Chip Carey--yep, we said it...Chip Carey (but, before we get any hate mail, keep in mind that, with baseball announcers, it's a sliding scale TedHeads)
11. A mug of Sumatra Sanka on a crisp Sunday morning in June...perfect recipe for firing it up
10. Punching our fan club self in the sack a few times/thumbtacking our eyes
9. Carrie Muskat at MLB.com finally waking up and realizing that Ted Lilly should be an All-Star. Her apology for being late to the bandwagon comes in the form of an article (link here)
8. The bad, Wicker Park-friendly facial hair of Pittsburgh Penguins Center Sidney Crosby. When we look at that mustache, we're not sure if Crosby just won a Stanley Cup or is just going to hang out at Subterranean talking about how much Lincoln Park yuppies suck.
7. Attempts by North Korea to weaponize their plutonium. Sure, the threat of nuclear holocaust is pretty bad but it would give us an "out" from having to watch Buck's show.
6. Amazing baseball names. Phillies have a pitcher with the last name of Bastardo and, of course, we can't forget former Cub and current Reds coach Dick Pole. The Royals have a 1B Coach with an amazing name (link here) but we don't want to include it here lest we offend Lady TedHeads
5. Canadian Cubs pitching. Between Dumpster's last start on June 12 and Harden toeing the rubber yesterday (allowed 2 runs over 6 IP w/ 9Ks in his first start back), our Canuck friends have certainly earned their pay. That said--we still think universal healthcare is a joke
4.Off-color jokes by David Letterman about underage Alaskan minors
3. The fact that we finally completed the TLFC Cloning Machine which we later found out could also help us control the weather (so---you're welcome for today's crystal clear day).
2. Re-make of the A-Team. While "Wedding Crasher"/"Hangover" actor Bradley Cooper is slated to appear as Faceman, we can only imagine one person who could fill the role of Hannibal
1. Lastly and most important, a picture of Ted Lilly on a unicorn.

With today's prediction, we welcome the star of "Little Big League", Luke Edwards for his forecast (we tried to get Jason Robards Jr for you guys but, ummm, he wasn't "available"):
7 IP, 7K, 2BBs, 1 ER and one loud and resounding statement that he belongs in St. Louis for the MLB All-Star Game.

Fire it up, TedHeads...

Interleague Fun: Twins Scare Us

noreply@blogger.com (Official Ted Lilly Fan Club) — Fri, 12 Jun 2009 12:18:00 +0000

There are very few things that scare us, but we have to admit, we're horrified of Twins.

We're no biology experts, but we can vividly recall Kimmy and Karrie Lipton, aka the Lipton twins, telling the collected, and enthralled, us that twins were product of Doctors using a magical sword to cut a baby in half upon birth. Sorry if we're old fashioned, but we don't think doctors should do that.

Equally scary are twins abilities to talk telepathically to each other and feel each other's pain.

Finally, and most horrifying, are the fun family comedies that those Olson Twins put together, which ultimately resulted in Heath Ledger's death. That's just wrong.

So, when we looked at the Cubs schedule early last year and saw "Twins", we circled this up coming weekend as one we'd happily spend in the Ted Lilly Fan Club post Apocalyptic Bunker. Fitting then that TL should take the mound Sunday against these demons from the Northland and with his inspiration, we've decided to fight back against this Army of Twins with announcing a long awaited breakthrough in the Ted Lilly Fan Club Cloning Machine: The Ability to Clone.

Unfortunately, we haven't been able to clone Ted Lilly, but we have been able to clone other Cubs. In the past, we've just killed off the extras by drowning them (inspiration The Prestige) but we've now decided to let loose multiplicity of Fontenot's and Reed Johnson's. Think of the Fun!

While TwinReed Johnson plays baseball, Real Reed Johnson can comment on TwinClone Reed's facial hair. TwinDavid Patton could keep Real David Patton company as he langishs on the bench. Real Milton Bradley could ironically play board games with TwinMilton Bradley and TwinRich Harden could pitch while Real Rich gets some extra rest, genius!

We've got Ted on Sunday, TedHeads. Weekend prediction. No sleep. 20 Sanka's. 2 Cub's Wins. and furious excitement for the TL sweep.

That's It: Geoff Blum: You're On Notice

noreply@blogger.com (Official Ted Lilly Fan Club) — Thu, 11 Jun 2009 22:39:00 +0000

Fool the TLFC once, shame on you. Fool the TLFC twice, shame on you. In a coincidence not seen since the likes of Alanis Morisette's "Ironic", newly appointed Cub killer, Geoff Blum has beaten us once again with a single in the bottom of the 13th inning to once again beat the good guys for the second game in a row.

Now, we've already warned you once about not spelling your name the right way but, now, you've just gone too far with today's shenanigans so, Geoff Blum, you're officially on notice.

Seriously? Blum again? WTF?

We'll let other lazy Cub bloggers use a "unlucky 13" in their title to describe today's game. Instead, we'll just pour another mug of angry Sumatra Sanka and move onto tomorrow's game with the Randy Wells Experiment as we slowly creep back towards mediocrity.

Memo To Geoff Blum: Spell Your Goddamn Name Right

noreply@blogger.com (Official Ted Lilly Fan Club) — Thu, 11 Jun 2009 13:53:00 +0000

Virtual soapbox time, TedHeads. The only thing more upsetting than the actual Cubs loss last night was the fact that Geoff Blum was the one that singled in the winning run with a floater in the bottom of the ninth against Angel Guzman.

As evidenced by such notables as DJ Jazzy Jeff, "Dumb and Dumber" thespian Jeff Daniels and NASA astronaut Jeff Williams, the correct spelling should be J-E-F-F...not G-E-O-F-F which sounds like overly prententious spelling that was concocted at some fancy smancy east school like Williams---maybe in response to rival Amherst's mascot, the Lord Jeffs (which, as pictured above, is what a real Jeff should look like).

In terms of "cool" Geoffs, we could only find a couple and, truthfully, Geoffey Chaucer (are poets really that sweet?) and Geoffrey Rush (only good movie was "Mystery Men" when he was a second banana to Stiller) aren't that sweet.

Are we trying to lessen the sting of last night's loss when the Cubs could only muster one run on Soto's 2nd inning boom shot? Probably...but that anger, mixed with the fact that the TLFC coffee machine only had sumatra coffee available (aka the "angry" coffee) led us down this path.

Nanuck of the North Dumpster goes this afternoon against Old Man River Ortiz at 1 pm CST...

Post-Game Recap: Curious Case of Theodore Lilly

noreply@blogger.com (Official Ted Lilly Fan Club) — Wed, 10 Jun 2009 02:41:00 +0000

Sorry Angelina, Ted's taken

When most people think of Ted Lilly, phrases like “left-handed wonder”, “crafty veteran pitcher” and “face-melting Lillyhammer machine” are thrown out for consideration. But let’s add two more to the Lilly lexicon: “Triple-producing offensive wizard” and “OCD-friendly dynamo.”

First, in the top half of the second inning, Lilly realizes that he is, in fact, Ted Lilly and decides to rip a fast ball from Astros starter Brian Mohler for a triple, later scoring on a throwing error by Edwin Maysonet. Maysonet later claimed his was "distracted by a bright light, must have be Ted's aura." While we can’t confirm this, a TLFC spy at Minute Maid Park texted us to say that Brian Mohler later asked Ted to sign that ball. Sounds about right.

Then, as evidenced by Comcast Sports Net’s spot-on HD coverage in the 6th inning, after TL’s head-first triple, he changed out of his dirty jersey for a crisp, clean #30. No word on whether he donated the dirty jersey to some local charity or, again, as a souvenir for Mohler (we assume yes) but USA Network’s Monk would be proud of TL’s near-obsession with being clean. As the other saying goes, cleanliness is next to Lillyness.

Ted’s final line? 6 2/3 innings pitched, 4 strikeouts, 2 walks and only 3 hits en route to his 7th win of the year. With this W, Ted now stands tied for second in the NL with 7 victories to go with a nasty sub-3 ERA (let’s get those Johan Santana voodoo dolls out please, TedHeads).

We also want to give out a "Ted point" and maybe "Gold Star" to Little Fontenot with his four hit performance, making up for his failed throw to home from last weekend. Also as a reward, we put this box score on the Ted Lilly Fan Club Walk-In Viking Fridge and Super Cooler (TLFCWIVFASC), with a large black "A+" and a "Nice Work Mike!" Now, we're not going to get so cliche as to say that we need Fontenot for a deep run in the playoffs--we just like him around b/c he reminds us of a leprechaun (more like a fun-loving marshmallow cereal leprechaun and not an evil leprechaun).

Len Kasper said it well: “One of the more enjoyable games I’ve watched all year.”

TLFC said it better: "The most enjoyable game of the year"

Brian Mohler said it best: "I will wring Ted's sweat from his jersey and drink it to improve my curveball - Ted Lilly is my teacher, Ted is a living God."

Thanks Ted—virtual tip of the cap, sir.