The ten useful condiments of Mustapha Jones

Making Films Part 1

2007-08-05T19:02:00.001+00:00

I just can't stop doing it

2007-07-16T15:40:00.000+00:00

Cutting down trees.
That's it.
I'm addicted.
This morning I go out to meet my new friend Shozeena. She's wonderful, she can't speak, and I think that's what makes her so wonderful, she doesn't EVER interrupt what I'm saying.
So, anyway, I'm all dressed in my finery, blue smock, tap-shoes, deadly shade of pink lip-gloss (just a touch) and I'm walking down one of the many hills in Edinburgh, which is where she lives (Gosh! You should see that bumpy old city, it's nothing like home at all.) and I see this tree. And it's sweet, it really is. It's just beginning to flower and people who pass it by probably don't notice it, but if they did they'd think about getting married and having their photos done under that tree, or if they were already married they might remember times from their childhood playing in the dappled sunlight, climbing every tender branch of a different, but similar tree from back home. But me? I just get this itch inside, like something's got to happen and I can't help it. I go over and I get out my penknife and I hack a branch off, then another one, then eventually I work my way down to the thing...the main bit what's it called?...the TRUNK! That's it. The trunk. And I slice it and it takes me ages, but eventually I get that F**ker down and it's mine. Forever. No more weddings, no more childhood memories.
I know it's bad, but I can't help myself.
I need help!

Bye

Mxxxx

Phil

2007-07-16T12:29:00.001+00:00

Brittle

2007-02-14T22:57:00.001+00:00

Chlorene

2007-01-11T18:22:00.000+00:00

So, last night I go swimming right. And it's in this pool right. And there's this stuff right. IT's called Chlorene right.
No.
Let me start that again.
I go swimming and I'm on my third length, so I'm nearly done, when I hear the most outrageous accent I've ever heard. It was a sort of Glaswegian (that's what they call things from Glasgow) high pitched, well, a sort of a slither. Like a slithering, sucking sound. Like a zithering or a slygoing. It was so high pitched all the dog's ears went up who were in the pool. Dogs need some pampering too! And they start barking, uncontrollably sinking back into their animal natures, after I'd spent the last two months teaching them all how to make vodka-martinis! I couldn't believe it.

So, I look round and what was it? It was my friend Richie, that what.

He'd decided to join the gym too and here he was decked out in the most disgusting pair of Gucci swimpods I have ever seen. I mean they were bright orange with a blue bib. Can you believe that? Me either.
So anyway, he comes across and I'm like 'Hi Jamie' and he's like shrieking 'OH MY GOD, MUSTY!' and I'm like 'How's it goin'?' and he's like 'OH MY GOD, IT'S GOING SO WELL' and I'm like-

well, to cut a long story short.

Me Telly Face and Washing Machine

2007-01-06T17:54:00.001+00:00

Another One Gone to Seed

2007-01-06T16:31:00.000+00:00

So, me tomatoes are so big now. But what I don't get is how come they grow so well in Glasgow, but they won't grow at all in Cumbernauld.

The Devil Loves Me

2006-10-19T16:46:00.000+00:00

I done a deal with him.
I said, if you buy two tins of plum tomatoes, I'll give you the third free.
He said he'd rather have a little nibble on my toes for breakfast and I said it was the tomatoes or nothing.
Finally!
It's happened. He took them away this afternoon.

Goodbye and good luck and check out my friend's writerly website

www.robevans.info

ME Magic FACE

2006-09-20T18:25:00.000+00:00

Get this video and more at MySpace.com

Quit smoking things

2006-09-19T16:08:00.000+00:00

I have a friend, we'll not name him/her/it because she might not like it, but needless to say they know who they are. So, anyway, she's always walking along with me, then reaching down and picking up old cigarette buts, striking a match off her stubble strewn cheek and lighting the butt, like she was in a movie about cowboys or crack-addicts. Glasgow just isn't the place to be doing this. There are half naked dead bodies in ponds. If you do that kind of thing the police might very well pick you up and put you in the slammer.

Today I've read too much and written not enough. I feel terribly guilty.

'Do something about it then!' I hear my mother saying. She always knew what to say.

Must-I xxx

Tell you What. I'll make dinner, isit?

2006-09-18T15:42:00.000+00:00

So, I came back home today to find some clues strewn about my flat. I think there might be someone else living here when I'm not. I go out to buy milk, I come back and someone's been to the toilet, left me a little present. I go out for a drink on Friday and I wake up the next day to find a prune on the pillow next to me. A little present from an in-house admirer perhaps, or a deadly warning not to go out any more. I've decided to set up boobie traps around the flat. They consist of a human hair stuck across the cupboard doors so that I know if someone's been in them because the hair will have dropped to the floor.
I'm waiting to see what happens.
M xx

Terrapin attack

2006-09-14T22:43:00.000+00:00

A terrapin landed on my helmet, told me I just wasn't funny.

People Come and Go so Quickly

2006-09-06T19:31:00.000+00:00

I don't know which words to capitalize sometimes. Honestly. It's a Worry.
MxMxMxMxMxMxMxMx

The Hounds of Love are Haunting Me

2006-09-01T14:02:00.000+00:00

Well, today is this kind of day

Because I've realised I can just take photos of myself and stick them on this blog.
So, here I am.
Sans Beard.
Also, Nat King Cole said "I've just found joy. I'm as happy as a baby boy" and I think this is true although I probably won't meet no sweet Lorraine.
But my eyes are popping out.
So maybe they'll fall out onto the floor and roll away except for my optical fibres keeping them bouncing against my cheeks. No nice.

M xxx

Your nose is too big

2006-08-30T14:09:00.000+00:00

So, last night I was drinking beer and watching re-runs of Dallas when a man comes into my lounge. YEs! A man with no obvious reason for being there. I certainly hadn't let him in. My mom certainly hadn't let him in (she lives in the US still) and the only other person who might have had a key was in a surf 'n' turf accident last year and was DEAD! So, what the hell was going on.
Before I could find out, he started attacking me. He used all his strength to topple over the sofa I was resting on, trapping me beneath, my arms and legs pinned outside the main body of the couch. Then I felt a tickling sensation on my forearm. He was tickling me with something. And I don't mind telling you it was funny. Gosh! It was so funny I could've died down there from laughing, or from asphyxiation as I laughed away my last few cubic feet of oxygen.
Luckily my cat came to the rescue. She over-toppled the man and lifted the sofa off my body, allowing me to struggle free.
I kicked the guy out. No Wonder! And he walked easily towards the front gate whereupon he turned and said to me "Your nose is too big"
"Yeah! I said. Too big for what?" That was it. That's all I could think to say, Too Big For What? That's crap. People say you always think of the best retorts after the event, but I can't even think of one now.
"Your nose is too big?" I can't even begin to imagine why he said that.
The world is full of crazy people it seems and Glasgow seems to have more than it's fair share.
Anon.
To work.
Love and kissy wisses
M xxx

2006-08-24T13:08:00.000+00:00

gay

If a Public School Accepts Public Money

2006-08-24T10:12:00.000+00:00

Then the military are allowed in.
"How are you going to pay for college?
Have you ever considered a part time army reserve to pay for that?
It might be an option for you.
How would it hurt you to sit down and talk to me?
Alright, thanks alot, thanks, bye."

We know what happened the last time we called.
Gee Whizzz! Aint it pretty here?
It sure is.
Gosh. I mean just look at all the...those things.
Buildings.
Yeah. They're so beautiful.
Kansas is beautiful.
It sure is.
God's own country.
God's Jesus own Country.
God's ass Jesus own Country.
Goddammit, stop saying that.
What?
That word.
What?
That word that you just said. That word 'Ass' that's what word.
Did I say Ass?
Yes.
Godddammit. I wish I hadn't said 'Ass'. It does me no good in the eyes of the lord.
It certainly does not.
It does me no good at all in good old fashioned Middle America.
I love you Dave
I love you John.
(They Kiss passionately. Dave rips off John's shirt)
You have the arms of Jesus.
Yes.
You have Jesus' nipples.
Yes.
You have the chest of Jesus.
Thankyou.
I love Jesus!

The Scurge of the Car

2006-05-07T08:45:00.000+00:00

Today I went out and saw that there are a lot of cars around. They're everywhere. One of them was parked up on the pavement which is where I like to walk, then I noticed that they all were. So, I walked in the road and when a car came along I said I was parked and that they would have to drive along the pavement. One man who was dressed to the nines said
"Oh you ***ing nobfuck" and I was like, "What?" and he was like "Gonny get oot ma heed?" and I said "Sir, I do not know what you're saying, but I'm fairly sure it isn't pleasant, now begone!" and he tried to run me over.
Mmmmm, it's cold.
My feet are above the duvet. Perhaps they should be under it.
There, now they're under it.
mmmmm
So, how are you?
I'm fine thanks. How are you?
Oh, not so bad. I like your website.
Oh, thanks, it's just a little thing I do.
Well, it's not only intellectually stimulating, it's also well-rounded.

love love
M xx

Cotton Socks

2006-05-01T18:43:00.000+00:00

Cotton Socks...Mink Coat...This one is for you.
Out there is a little piece of life. In here it's terribly terribly dark.
Like a box on legs.
Like a wheel within a wheel.

Oh!
The Agony!

The Graveyard

2006-03-12T16:23:00.000+00:00

100_1644.JPG
Originally uploaded by robevans.

Look at this weird guy. He was hanging around in a graveyard trying to chat up this man, who is obviously made of snow. Can't he see that.
M xx

Dead Man's Shadow

2006-03-12T16:21:00.000+00:00

100_1641.JPG
Originally uploaded by robevans.

I found this in the snow.
It's a dead man's snow shadow apparently.

has anyone seen missy?

2006-03-04T10:24:00.000+00:00

'Missy the PoopDog who sadly passed away last year seems to be making a comeback in the small hamlet of Aqua Champagne. Villagers swear they have seen the face of the dog appearing to them at night. One inhabitant of the cotton rich area said "I woke up to find Missy lickin' my face all over. At first I thought it was a terrible mistake, but on second thoughts I realised Missy was trying to cheer me up for the loss of my German Shepherd, Hans. It worked!" So, for all you dog lovers out there just remember that when you're lying in bed at night, wondering what happened to that loveable Picanese or that old friend of yours, Champ, they're probably wandering the small hamlets of France along with Missy the PoopDog.'

I found this story in my local newspaper. People have real strange ideas, don't they.

M xxx

Chairs.JPG

2006-02-24T11:54:00.000+00:00

Chairs.JPG
Originally uploaded by robevans.

Isn't this just lovely. It reminds me of my sister. Her head was made entirely from ski chairs.

Sunny!

2006-02-15T11:31:00.000+00:00

God! It's so nice outside. I love it. I would like to dance. I'm going to dance forever. On a tiny little table made just for me.

A Gay Novella

2006-02-09T12:24:00.000+00:00

CHAPTER 1 - Piss Town

'Takes one to know one.' I said.
'Know what?' Said a tall guy standing behind James, his hair slightly limp curls and his eyes all over us both. He looked like he might be in middle-management for a large bank somewhere near Tottenham Court Road.
'Excuse me! Hello! Was I like, even talking to you?'
'No. I just. Well, I've just moved to London. I've been staying in a hotel. Quite nearby.'
'Oh' said James. 'And we're the lucky ones are we? We're here to absorb your loneliness. Don't think so.'
'No.' I said to Jamie, 'Come on man, you've been lonely before, give him a chance.'
Jamie looked at me like I'd farted in his mouth. 'Suit yourself.'
The limp guy smiled at me, and I gave him that look. The one that says you're there, but only as a polite guide for them because your mom instilled those values into you.
'You do know this is a gay bar don't you?'
'yeah' said Jamie, 'It's for GAYS! We're GAY. Me and him, we're totally fucking queer and this is a place for people like us. You might find that disgusting.'
'No' he said. 'I'm gay' Kind of nervous though.
'You!?' said Jamie, 'Fuck off'
'Are you?' i asked.
'Well...yes.'
'Oh My God' Jamie looked around the bar trying to get everyone to see this thing that had walked in.
'Where are you from?'
'Middlesborough'
Jamie was making choking noises now, then he burst out 'What the fuck are you doing looking like that then?'
'Like what?'
'How old are you?'
'29'
'WHAT! You're younger than me. I thought you were about forty...five thousand years old'
'Sorry.'
'No. Don't be sorry. That's amazing. You've probably got that like wasting disease, like Janette Cranky, the one where your bones age super fast. Is that what you've got?
'No.'
'Maybe your mum looks really old. Does she look really haggard and old too?'
'Shut up'
'Sorry!' Jamie goes silent, which is quite a feat.
'Don't mind Jamie' I say tactfully, I'm suddenly full of tact ' He's one of quintuplets and his brain was starved of oxygen, which is what makes him so rude.
'Oh very funny' says Jamie
'I'm really only here as his helper. It's his first time drinking alcohol.'
'Shut up'
The limp guy laughs and looks at me. But he really doesn't turn me on. I do, however, feel the rather warm feeling of wanting to help someone. Yes. I wanted to help him.
'I'll tell you what?' I say 'If you get me another gin and tonic and get poor Jamie here something a bit less strong, maybe a shandy, then we'll show you round. This place is shit. We're just waiting for the guy Jamie fucked last night to come in then we're going to push him over and leave. You can come with us if you want.
Jamie looks at me like I just shat in his eyes.
'Why do you want to push him over' asks limpy.
'Because he stole my fucking wallet' shouts Jamie, working himself into gay outrage, 'fucker!'
'Because it's fun.' I say. 'You'll enjoy it.'