The Terms of Endearment

Motherhood and Identity

noreply@blogger.com (Priscilla Sim) — Tue, 05 Mar 2013 23:50:00 +0000

With Mother's Day coming up, I came across this article and thought it was really good...it's so easy to forget who you are and become all about baby. Reposting for your indulgence.

http://www.spiritualwoman.net/Relation/MotherhoodIdentityCrisis.html

Happy Mother's Day every woman, you are awesome and doing a great job for humanity : )

xx

Therapeutic Approaches = Confused dot com?

noreply@blogger.com (Priscilla Sim) — Mon, 04 Mar 2013 15:33:00 +0000

With so many different types of therapy and therapists out there to choose from, how do you know which one is going to be right for you?

I think this brief outline of the main therapeutic approaches is really helpful when it comes to trying to find a private therapist to work with.

http://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/a-z-therapy-approaches.htm

Hope you find it helpful too...

xx

Change Happens...

noreply@blogger.com (Priscilla Sim) — Wed, 20 Feb 2013 23:08:00 +0000

'...greet change with as much grace as you can muster. When change is happening it helps to live within a big wonder-question: What is the positive thing that's trying to happen in my life that makes it necessary for the old structure to fall apart?'

- The Hendricks Institute of Conscious Living and Learning.

Love and Truth

noreply@blogger.com (Priscilla Sim) — Fri, 15 Feb 2013 12:24:00 +0000

Love this quote:

“Love without truth is sentimentality; it supports and affirms us but keeps us in denial about our flaws. Truth without love is harshness; it gives us information but in such a way that we cannot really hear it."

-Timothy Keller

Depression is...

noreply@blogger.com (Priscilla Sim) — Wed, 06 Feb 2013 22:52:00 +0000

Great quote from Deborah Serani, Psy.D:

'depression doesn't care if you're successful, famous or ordinary. It's an illness that distorts how you think and feel, making life seem meaningless and hopeless. It's a real medical condition -- not something that occurs from lack of character, weakness or laziness. '

Taken from this article: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/shannon-kellogg/valentines-day-depression_b_1219731.html

Honesty Sneeze!

noreply@blogger.com (Priscilla Sim) — Wed, 09 Jan 2013 13:57:00 +0000

First of all Happy New Year!

Sorry, I am not as active on here as I used to be, I have taken up the resident blogger position at Relate and this has taken up my blogging energy until that settles into a rhythm of its own. I have also gone back to working on my creative writing and poetry so my writing energies are being dispersed at the moment.

Anyway, today I read this from Gay Hendricks from The Hendricks Institute and very much enjoyed it, so am sharing.

Bless you! : )

The Erotic Possibilities Of Honesty

One thing nobody ever bothers to tell us about honesty (at least nobody ever told me): honesty feels good. In fact, if you get really focused on being microscopically honest as you go about your life, you will very likely discover that honesty feels so good it qualifies as a sexual experience.

There's a good reason for that. Honesty has an immediate effect on your energy system. If there's something inside that you haven't told the truth about--especially if it's something important--it has the effect on your energy system of a withheld sneeze. And no matter how polite you feel by withholding a sneeze, it sure doesn't feel as good and complete, from an energy perspective, as actually sneezing.

To express an emotion or a withheld truth has that same kind of effect on our systems. If we're feeling angry or scared or sad, we need to do two things in order to have a complete energy relationship with them:

1) Feel the deepest truth of the emotion, in our bodies, and

2) Express those feelings in ways that create more aliveness in ourselves and the people around us.

Love Yourself Happy

noreply@blogger.com (Priscilla Sim) — Tue, 20 Nov 2012 15:37:00 +0000

Read this today about the power of gratitude and how the act of loving itself makes you happy...

http://conscious-transitions.com/the-power-of-gratitude/

x

EFT

noreply@blogger.com (Priscilla Sim) — Thu, 25 Oct 2012 23:12:00 +0000

I'm still worshipping the goddess that is EFT founder Dr Susan Johnson:

http://www.psychotherapy.net/article/couples-therapy-attachment

x

Doubt Don't Mean Don't

noreply@blogger.com (Priscilla Sim) — Tue, 23 Oct 2012 20:34:00 +0000

I like this concept. Doubt is normal and it stems from fear and grief...

http://conscious-transitions.com/are-you-settling/

x

Tap tap tapping...

noreply@blogger.com (Priscilla Sim) — Tue, 23 Oct 2012 10:53:00 +0000

Hmm, I'm still not sure what I think about tapping, but this article makes sense in terms of understanding the fight flight response that can sometimes be all too constant in conflictual relationships. My jury is still out, but I remain open minded...what are your thoughts?

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/nick-ortner/emotional-freedom-technique_b_1349223.html

x

Attachment

noreply@blogger.com (Priscilla Sim) — Sat, 20 Oct 2012 22:57:00 +0000

I'm on a training course at the Centre for Child Mental Health at the moment.

The more I think about attachment theory and its significance to humankind, the more I don't understand why everyone doesn't know about it. We need education.

Without attachments to those we love and those who love us, what more are we than leaves blowing in the wind. Desperately trying to find some shelter or respite from the elements of life and so vulnerable to all the things of this world that do not wish love upon us...what tragic irony.

xx

Turnaround

noreply@blogger.com (Priscilla Sim) — Thu, 18 Oct 2012 14:16:00 +0000

I'm very much enjoying the work of Byron Katie at the moment:

http://thework.com/downloads/little_book/English_LB.pdf

In this little online book she uses a CBT type approach where you take the painful thought, question if it is true and then turn it around.

For example:

Belief: "I'm working so hard to forgive him and he doesn't acknowledge it or help me at all."

Turnaround: "He's working so hard to forgive me and I don't acknowledge it or help him at all."

- Perhaps you both have something to forgive and neither of you help the other?

Belief: "I don't know if you will or can change."

TA "You don't know if I will or can change."

TA "I don't know if I will or can change."

- Are we projecting our own fears and fallibility onto others?

When we turnaround our beliefs and explore all the options, sometimes we realise that the truth is not always the truth, but a painful thought we believe to be true.

The thought disempowers us as we suffer at its meaning.

But reality does not change, everything is as it is and as it is meant to be and by fighting with 'shoulds' and 'should nots' in our heads, we are fighting reality!

Let life lead you rather than you trying to lead life. Don't swim against the current, it will wear you out!

Don't wait till it's too late.

noreply@blogger.com (Priscilla Sim) — Thu, 18 Oct 2012 13:47:00 +0000

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2109136/Couples-early-40s-marriage-MOTs-prevent-relationship-breakdown.html

I particularly like the idea of relationship check ups. Baroness Tyler says,

"We have health checks and dental check-ups. Even out cars get MoTs. We should be prepared to invest in our relationship, our emotional lives, in a similar way."

Sobering to think how we put our relationships and emotions so far down the list.

x

Check out my posts on the 'Relate Blog'

noreply@blogger.com (Priscilla Sim) — Wed, 10 Oct 2012 01:09:00 +0000

http://www.relateblog.org.uk/

xxx

Relate Blog

noreply@blogger.com (Priscilla Sim) — Fri, 21 Sep 2012 17:00:00 +0000

It's launched and live and ready for action!!

Please comment and subscribe to let us know your thoughts : )

Relate Blog

xxx

Relate Official Blogger!

noreply@blogger.com (Priscilla Sim) — Fri, 07 Sep 2012 12:09:00 +0000

So my most exciting news that I've been keeping to myself, is that off the back of this blog site, I've been commissioned to write Relate's official blog launching this Monday the 10th September!!!

ALL your support, following, feedback, comments etc will be most appreciated as we are monitoring its value going forward. Argghhhhh!!

More to come...

Hope Springs

noreply@blogger.com (Priscilla Sim) — Thu, 06 Sep 2012 14:16:00 +0000

Looks like this is gona be good. Excited to watch it...

http://www.hopesprings-movie.com/

Conflict Resolution

noreply@blogger.com (Priscilla Sim) — Wed, 05 Sep 2012 22:38:00 +0000

Listened to this today, conflict resolution on BBC Radio, lovely program and well worth a listen: http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b006qtnz

Belief is a beautiful armour

noreply@blogger.com (Priscilla Sim) — Fri, 24 Aug 2012 13:57:00 +0000

I was listening to this today by John Mayer today and it really resonated. Wanted to share the lyrics as it's so much of what I see being tussled with in relationships; People fighting for their beliefs.

Belief is a beautiful armour, because we feel it protects us from being hurt, but when you hit someone you love with it, you can really hurt them.

How can we work together to accept and respect each other's beliefs?

Belief

Is there anyone who
Ever remembers changing their mind from
The paint on a sign?
Is there anyone who really recalls
Ever breaking rank at all
For something someone yelled real loud one time

Everyone believes
In how they think it ought to be
Everyone believes
And they're not going easily

Belief is a beautiful armour
But makes for the heaviest sword
Like punching under water
You never can hit who you're trying for

Some need the exhibition
And some have to know they tried
It's the chemical weapon
For the war that's raging on inside

Everyone believes
From emptiness to everything
Everyone believes
And no ones going quietly

We're never gonna win the world
We're never gonna stop the war
We're never gonna beat this
If belief is what we're fighting for

What puts a hundred thousand children in the sand
Belief can
Belief can
What puts the folded flag inside his mother's hand
Belief can
Belief can

Ninja

noreply@blogger.com (Priscilla Sim) — Fri, 24 Aug 2012 12:55:00 +0000

I'm a ninja, it's true. It's nice to have validation of how difficult this work can be, so this article made me smile.

http://www.nytimes.com/2012/03/04/fashion/couples-therapists-confront-the-stresses-of-their-field.html?pagewanted=all

Where are my socks?!

noreply@blogger.com (Priscilla Sim) — Wed, 15 Aug 2012 07:28:00 +0000

This post by Dr Margaret Paul made me laugh today:

http://www.innerbonding.com/show-article/3248/im-neat-hes-messy-what-can-i-do.html

But in particular, this paragraph is very sobering and resonates loudly to me in my work and I wanted to share:

'I tell people over and over again, "You get what you see. If you are not okay with the way the person is right now, then end the relationship before getting more deeply involved. The person may or may not change, but you can't change them. And change is very unlikely unless the person is already on a path of personal growth and wants to heal the issue. If the issue is not perceived by them as a problem, then it is unlikely that change will occur, no matter how much the issue is a problem for you and no matter how much you love that person. So, either accept it or leave.'

Wow, so many people come into therapy wanting to change their partner, when actually the heart of love is acceptance.

She's right, unless that person wants to change, you will never succeed in making them into the person you want them to be...

But still this story about hiding stuff is funny.

Happier thoughts to follow soon!

x

Cosmo interview

noreply@blogger.com (Priscilla Sim) — Thu, 09 Aug 2012 12:41:00 +0000

I was interviewed for Cosmopolitan Magazine's 'So You Think You Want My Job' page this week.

There was quite a team that turned up to the Relate offices consisting of the journalist, make up artist, picture editor, photographer and photographer's assistant.

The interview was quite quick and lasted about half an hour. As the make up artist got to work on my hair, face and nails, the journalist asked me to hold a voice recorder and asked me lots of questions about my work at Relate as well as my work at ChildLine and the baby swimming classes I teach.

The photo shoot was quite a bit longer and lasted about an hour and a half. We shot 3 different outfits and quite a few different looks, both inside a therapy room and outside the Relate building. It seemed like we had to take a lot of pictures just to get one good shot, but the team assured me, this was normal and this was actually a very chilled out shoot.

As we set up shots and posed for pictures, we all began talking about our own relationships and thoughts about couples counselling. It seems that when it comes to relationships, this is a subject that is of universal interest and affects us all...

The article will be coming out in Cosmopolitan's November Relationship Special Edition and will be available from the 1st of October 2012.

Grief

noreply@blogger.com (Priscilla Sim) — Mon, 07 May 2012 14:11:00 +0000

This is a lovely passage from the novel 'On Love' by Alain de Botton, which I think really helps to understand the process of grief and loss...

"There is an Arabic saying that the soul travels at the pace of a camel.

While most of us are led by the strict demands of diaries and timetables, the soul, the seat of the heart, trails nostalgically behind, burdened by the weight of memory....

The camel became lighter and lighter as it walked through time, it kept shaking memories and photos off its back, scattering them over the desert floor and letting the wind bury them in the sand, and gradually the camel became so light that it could trot again and even gallop in its own curious way

- until one day, in a small oasis that called itself the present, the exhausted creature finally caught up with the rest of me."

- On Love, Alain de Botton

Blogs I've read today...

noreply@blogger.com (Priscilla Sim) — Tue, 24 Apr 2012 12:41:00 +0000

Theories of love

Success strategies for love

Relationship tips for men

Check them out if you have time, really interesting stuff here!

x

He Calls Other Girls Sexy...

noreply@blogger.com (Priscilla Sim) — Sat, 21 Apr 2012 14:00:00 +0000

Anna writes:

"I saw messages that my fiancée sent to some girl on Facebook saying "hey sexy." I found it very disrespectful and to some level cheating.

He said he has no attachment to the word when referencing women outside of me. I think that words such as those should be only used when he is speaking to me.

I would like to know what's your opinion on this. I've been cheated on in the past and my ex did the same.....calling other women sexy, baby, sweetie and hun."

My response:

"It sounds like you have been hurt in the past and so it is hard not to make the same connections when they are threatening to repeat in your present relationship.

Does your partner know why you feel the way you do and how it has affected you?

Sometimes we choose partners subconsciously because we want to heal past traumas that we have not yet fully processed.

Do you think you are over the hurt of the betrayal of your previous relationship, or might it be worth doing some work on yourself to release those anxieties. ie. Find a good therapist or perhaps try some acupuncture to release emotions.

It really does come down to the individual, what their personal values are and if in your relationship you can both accept, respect and negotiate each other's boundaries. Some girls might not mind her boyfriend calling other girls 'sexy' and some girls might never even see a guy again if he did that in front of her.

On balance do you think you can really communicate with your partner to resolve conflict and if you do really trust him?

You can never control another person, the only person you have control over changing is yourself. And remember you always have a choice over what you think, feel and want in life."

Anna writes:

"I see what you're saying. Yes I'm over the hurt, but I'm scared of letting it happen to me again.

My fiancée thinks that when he told me it was nothing, when he said "hey sexy" I should have taken his word and not thought more into it.

He knows how I feel. He broke up with his ex for her not trusting him, so he was also angry at me, while I was angry at him for what he did. He also said that he didn't think what he did was that severe for me to go all "crazy" on him about the situation.

We are getting counselling together from our pastor who is a licensed therapist, but I can't afford to get individual counselling. I realize that he and I have different ideas on what cheating is, or what inappropriate behaviour is.

We did discuss it last night and he said he won't do it again because he know it was wrong etc. but I'm still scared. I do trust him but I'm scared. I was going to tell him delete Facebook, but if I trust him he won't have to because he said he won't do it again."

My response:

"You have a right to feel what you feel especially after what you have been through, but it's the way you process it for yourself to communicate and share how you feel with your partner. I mean if you responding to a situation or reacting...

If you are shouting and screaming in anger as a reaction to fear, it's the fear underneath that is important to communicate and is easier for your partner to hear and reassure you about.

I find it interesting that both you and your partner are repeating your past relationship patterns and behaviours. You both have found yourself in similar situations before and it sounds like you are both frustrated with yourselves and each other to be here again.

We often seek out past hurts subconsciously on a developmental level to heal unprocessed emotions. What can you both do differently this time to break the patterns of your past?

It sounds like your partner cares about you and it's great that you are getting couples counselling together, that shows a lot of commitment from him to your relationship. Also that he said he wouldn't do it again shows that he cares about your feelings and respects your boundaries.

A really excellent book I recommend to all my clients and indeed friends is 'Hold Me Tight' by Dr Susan Johnson. She is a fantastic therapist and works with emotions and attachment, if you only buy one book in your life, you should buy this one!"

Anna says:

"You're right...I was crying and yelling.

I will definitely get that book.

I don't know what we can do to break he pattern. I mean we talked about our boundaries etc but that's it.

Another problem if you don't mind me voicing... he is not going to call me any endearments any more (baby, sexy, love, etc ) because he said just in case anything pops up again, it wont be a problem because he doesn't call me those words anyway.

I'm not sure how to feel about that statement. I don't know if he was saying it cause he was upset, but I am definitely going to ask him about it. If he knows what he did was wrong then nothing should "pop" up again."

My response:

Perhaps this article will help explain your partners reaction to you being upset: http://thetermsofendearment.blogspot.co.uk/2012/03/fear-and-shame.html

You being upset at him triggers his anger and defence because he feels shame for hurting you, so can't hear what you are really saying and why. When you are both in that place where you are upset and saying things you don't mean and damaging your relationship, it's good to practice calling a time out to calm down before you try and talk to each other again.

Trying to get to grips with your triggers and being able to calm yourself down before you talk to him, will help you get more of the response and reassurance you are really asking for.

Using simple sentence structures like:

1. When you...(insert action) ie. call other girls sexy.

2. It makes me feel...(insert feeling) ie. sad, insecure, anxious, worried, paranoid, jealous, upset. etc

3. What can we do about it?

Making your statement about you and your feelings takes the blame element away and opens things up for discussion so you can address them together.

Also you can try a simple communication exercise, which has worked wonders with my clients:

http://thetermsofendearment.blogspot.co.uk/2010/09/communication-exercise.html

Hope that helps and let me know how you get on..."

Anna writes:

"Wow I read the information in the link you sent me. Very informative!!!!!!

It does help. I will suggest those exercises to him.

The crazy thing is we want to get married in a few months...hopefully we would solve all our issues then.

Thanks again."

My response:

"Relationships and marriage are all a work in progress. Getting to know each other and learning how to love each other is a life time's journey.

Don’t put too much pressure on yourselves to ‘get it right’ or feel you have to solve all your problems before or when you are married.

Take it easy and allow yourself to forgive yourselves and each other if sometimes you make mistakes that hurt each other along the way.

Take care and all the best."