The Therapist

Guy From Metallica's "One" Video Disenfranchised From Franken Vote

2008-12-12T07:46:00.001-08:00

Minneapolis--Even as the razor-thin margins are tallied in the still-ongoing Minnesota recount, controversy still manages to haunt the Coleman campaign.Challenger Al Franken's campaign, currently trailing by a little more than 200 votes, has produced a continual stream of voters claiming their votes were disenfranchised, either by clerical technicalities, or by politically-motivated

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Russia Hoping Prototype Terrestrial Submarines Will Reduce Suffocations

2008-11-10T06:00:00.000-08:00

Hails lack of need for “imperialist oxygen intervention”Moscow—Fresh on the heels of a new maritime tragedy, Russia announced Monday that a new prototype, above-ground military submarine will “significantly reduce the human specter of suffocation.”“We have designed this new vessel with a number of safety valves,” noted Vladimir Volkoginov, a senior military official. “”We even have crafted into

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Starving Kenyan Refugee Accidentally Hammers Out Deal With FOX NEWS on Laptop

2008-11-02T07:17:00.000-08:00

Touch Screen capability causes man to "want Double-Double," signs with Hannity and Colmes. Norway--When Chief Sumatra Korir found a reporter's stray laptop in his village, he assumed the In & Out advertisement in a pop-up window was tactile nourishment.Grasping at the pseudo-protein, however, would change his life in ways other than what would normally be reflexive dry-heaving at the sudden

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Korir: "Blocking Your IP Addresses Will Save My Credibility."

2008-10-31T12:57:00.000-07:00

Norway--African press International Chief Editor Korir, stated today that "any and all critics who dare make fun of, impugn, or take umbrage with" the editor's flailing credibility in the wake of his claims that he possesses tapes of Michelle Obama "will be blocked in order for me to regain the momentum of my honor."Korir claims that he is in possession of a tape bearing the voice of Mrs. Obama,

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Santeria Is Preventing The Release Of The Tapes

2008-10-29T12:13:00.000-07:00

By Chief Editor S. Korir,API. My dear American friends, I have sad news to report. It seems that forces far and above our expectations have stepped in where even we could not imagine. We thought we had overcome our primary tape-transference obstacles when we updated our telegraph machine to accommodate a DSL cable. Then, when we were forced (by virtue of our own security instincts) to cut the

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API Plan To Announce Tape Details At 7:00 EST Thwarted By Daylight Savings Hoax

2008-10-28T15:47:00.000-07:00

Not discovered for "at least 60 minutes" forwarded clock deleted actual hour, says KorirNorway--The still-expected and explosive "Michelle Obama Tapes" purported to be in both the possession of the African Press International as well as an "unnamed American cable news network," was on track to be released--or to some degree confirmed--by Chief Editor Korir.But then, tragedy befell an already

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African Press Editor Says Network Re-Splicing Tape "Taking Longer Than Expected"

2008-10-28T05:19:00.000-07:00

Twelve-million pieces "broken down by syllable, for secure shipping", says KorirNorway--The Chief Editor of the Arican Press International, S. Korir, stated early Tuesday that the only thing standing in between the network and the airing of the much-anticipated Michelle Obama tapes, was a simple but laborious re-splicing of the audio to make it machine compatible once again."Because of

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African Press To Release Michelle Obama Tapes “Within Seconds” Of Nov. 4th Vote

2008-10-27T14:52:00.000-07:00

Warns of “American Bloodshed,” if tapes not heard, lowers handbag pricesNorway—The editor of the African Press International, Chief Editor Korir, stated today that they are prepared to release the still-unproven Michelle Obama tapes to the media, “Literally within seconds” of the first balloting in the November 4th election in the United States.“The American people need and deserve to be fully

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True To POW Days, McCain Accepting Relentless Pounding By Enemy With Grace

2008-10-01T10:59:00.000-07:00

Washington--John McCain has been known all his life as a man devoid of predictable conventions and telegraphable intents. In recent days, the point couldn't have been made clearer when he selected Alaska Governor, Sarah Palin, to become the first female Vice presidential running mate for the republican party.Now, facing being handed the anvil of responsibility in a housing credit ocean created by

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Okay, It's Been A Year

2008-09-13T11:43:00.001-07:00

I am not sure I can stay out of the fray much longer.-T

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Harry Reid Proposes Military Action Against Circa-1918 Turkey

2007-10-11T11:09:00.000-07:00

"We must stop these radicals before they strike again in 83 years," he saysReid: WWI terrorists worst nightmare?Washington--Stating that "exigent circumstances" warrant immediate action, Senate majority leader, Harry Reid, has publicly called on the Bush Administration to "retroactively stop" the World War I Armenian Genocide, publicly condemned by the House of representatives on Thursday."While

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Study Shows No American Alive Could Kill Ahmadinejad During Visit

2007-09-24T16:40:00.000-07:00

Ahmadinejad: Study shows Americans "not skilled enough" to assassinate him.New York-As Iranian President, Mamhoud Ahmadinejad continues to make waves, a new study shows that, despite the general American contempt for him, that "no American alive" has the skill to take him out at long range with an assassin's bullet."We've really gone a long way with the vetting process," said Dr. Ira Shoenberg,

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If Osama Weren't Illegal, You'd Have No Problem With 9/11

2007-09-08T10:37:00.000-07:00

(not) By Geraldo Rivera,Guest ColumnistRight now I'm mad. Spitting mad. I'm so incensed that the first asian talking head I see's gonna get a chair-sized loogie upside her immigrant-bashing head.Personally, I've had to work out the anger-to-reaction ratio. Fortunately, I have Al Capone's vault in which to sequester myself every time I feel the urge to throttle some xenophobic, morally-castrated

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Thank You Sheryl Crow

2007-04-23T11:32:00.000-07:00

I'm going to help my fellow man, by auctioning off the following:Click the picture, if you really care about global warming.-T

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I'm Trying, Folks

2007-03-08T08:16:00.000-08:00

Seriously. This blog-thing takes some stamina. I'm trying to align my motivation with my actual time:energy ratios.I'll get there. Please stick around.-T

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Democrats Discover Gnostic Constitution Under Independence Hall

2007-03-01T21:39:00.000-08:00

New Bill of Rights possibly articulated by antediluvian serpent, say demsPhiladelphia--Even as the very Gospel of Christ is debated in theological circles in the wake of The DaVinci Code, Congressional democrats are now claiming they have discovered a Gnostic Constitution, buried in unmapped catacombs under Independence Hall."A certifiably stunning find, indeed," said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi.

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Feel Like Going At It Again

2007-02-27T09:45:00.000-08:00

Assuming anybody cares after all this time.We'll see . . .

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Castro 764th On List To Use Cuba's Only Life-Support Machine

2007-01-16T10:32:00.000-08:00

Morphine-intoxicated dictator trying to escape from own tyranny, say insidersExperts note that the late Argentinian freedom-fighter, Che Guevara's (right) place at third for use of Cuba's only life-support machine does not bode well for the dictator's chances of mechanical longevity.Havana--Presumably on the back side of mortality in the wake of multiple intestinal surgeries, Cuban leader Fidel

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Because I'm Lazy

2006-12-19T22:22:00.000-08:00

And because others are doing it for me:

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Wow, It's Almost Like They've Figured Out Who The Real Enemy Is

2006-12-13T12:08:00.000-08:00

I think it's just a gliimmer of hope, personally. They'll get back to killing Israeli children in the next news cycle.

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By The Way

2006-12-12T12:26:00.000-08:00

I know I know, You've always wanted to watch me dance while making fun of some kind of Tai Chi offshoot in San Francisco's Union Square. I know your very thoughts.Well, look no further.

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Wipe-Outable Jew Invokes Outrage With Own Implied Ability To Wipe Out Those Who Would Wipe Out Jews

2006-12-12T11:53:00.000-08:00

Jimmy Carter: "Remarks vociferously anti-Ahmadinejad"Jerusalem--In what critics are calling a "slip of the tongue" this week, Israeli Prime Minister, Ehud Olmert, drew world scorn as he implied Israel's ability to repel world scorn--with nuclear weapons."This is a national disgrace," said outgoing UN Secretary General Kofi Annan. "Just when the world's burgeoning democracies, like Iran and Syria

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Speaking Of YouTube . . .

2006-12-09T23:16:00.000-08:00

This is the coolest thing you'll see on there right now. If you never liked the slide guitar before, just wait until you've had your doors blown off by Derek Trucks:

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Merry Jihad

2006-12-09T10:22:00.000-08:00

Why is it, the cartoonists and comedians are the only ones ready to take the fight to the modern-day Nazi?

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Pit Bull Decries Ejection From Preschool Blood Drive

2006-12-05T07:42:00.000-08:00

Requests to "taste pick lines" nothing out of ordinary, say Pit Bull advocatesDonny: Claims white blood-cell technology is a legitimate energysource. "We are a breed of peace," he says.New York-- Citing a "destructive and bigoted atmosphere of breedism," an area pit bull went on the offensive to set the record straight: that pit bull dogs are a "breed of peace."In this case, the profiling target

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