The Thirsty Land

Day 1: More of Jesus, Less of Me

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 02 Nov 2010 22:16:00 +0000

More of Jesus, Less of Me

Day One of A Spiritual Feast

I want to spend a month looking at what God's word has to say about the spiritual feast that other's in the Bible were blessed with ~ in hopes of helping me replace the emotional eating habits that I still am trying to change. So this is day one of "spiritual feast" devotionals - searching God's Word and planning to start each day with the prayer "More of Jesus, Less of Me".

"God commanded the Man, "You can eat from any tree in the garden, except from the Tree-of-Knowledge-of-Good-and-Evil. Don't eat from it. The moment you eat from that tree, you're dead." Gen. 2:16-17 The Message.

It doesn't surprise me in the least that one of the first "rules" God gave to Adam and Eve had to do with "eating". We as humans need food to live. God prepared a feast of every food in the garden exept one food from one tree. This fruit was harmful and God was trying to protect Adam and Eve.

Today there are so many harmful "forbidden fruits" that I should not be tempted to dabble in... and literally there are millions of food products that are artificial or loaded with fats and sugar. The commercials for these foods use music, laughter, sounds of people smacking their lips and enjoying themselves in front of plates of 3000 calorie meals. It is not an easy time to start a healthy eating plan. Last week I started on Medifast again. It was one of the first healthy diets for morbidly obese patients in hospitals back in the early '80s. It works for me. I am hoping that these 30 days of devotionsals "Less of Me, and more of Him" will help me keep my focus on Christ and God's plan for my life.

Lord, help me to see where in my life I am missing you. Please help me to find strength in your Word and to focus on the truth - that without Your love and grace I cannot be whole and I cannot resist the temptations and Satan's whispers "Eat - just one bite won't hurt". I am so hungry for love because of an upbringing that lacked so much, a marriage that was not whole because I was so afraid and so hungry for love but not trusting enough when people said they loved me. Lord help me to remember that with Christ I can do anything. Forgive my unbelief when I do not live the life of the redeemed. In my glorious Redeemer's name I pray, Amen.

Season of Loss: The Journey Begins Again

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 01 Nov 2010 22:18:00 +0000

A Season of Loss

It has been a long time since I have visited the Corner. It has been a season of loss for me. The list is long and painful: loss of health, livelihood, dreams for the future, home, belongings, etc. Through these months ~ a dark journey has taken place and it has taken all my energy not to give up. Friends said and did inappropriate things (like Job's friends of old). Professional "helpers" were contracted to improve my home and they took my money instead.

A long stay in the hospital has turned my successful weight loss into a thing of the past. I was almost off my blood pressure and blood sugar medications. One of the new prescription medications I was on - turned toxic in my body. I went into the hospital with a failing liver and Stevens-Johnson syndrome which led to my skin sliding off my body. The amount of steroids needed to keep me from going into the burn unit ~ well these caused damage to my liver and pancreas. I am now permanently on insulin shots and I am testing 4 to 5 times a day. The carbs that the diabetes center wants me to consume each day is causing weight gain - not weight loss! Even if I lost 100 pounds - I will always be on insulin.

These losses are just the beginning of a long list. I am tired all the time. So many major changes in my life - in a very short time.

Now I live in a one bedroom apartment in a "senior" community. At first my sadness and lack of energy kept me from seeing any blessings in my situation. However, God's plan is beginning to shine through ~ just beginning ~ with little hints of possible ways that I can serve Him in this time of sadness and loss. I live only by prayer right now ~ somewhat afraid of the future.

I have found a new church home and once again I will pray for God's guidance with new relationships and in finding ways to glorify Him (even with my physical limitations).

Announcements of a grief recovery class were handed to me several times during the weeks of garage sales and moving. I am in the second week and I know, with all my heart, that God wanted me to go through the grieving process for ALL my losses before I can be of use to Him or others in the future.

The big revelation from the class this week has shined a bright light on one of the reasons that I have not been able to move past my need for eating when I am angry or frustrated. With each loss of a relationship in my past, I would acknowledge the loss, cry, and just try to forget and move on. I have learned that it takes a little more work than that!

"The degree of loss is not measured only by the loss of the love and companionship with the person that is not in your life anymore, but often in the losses associated with the "roles" that person played in your life. Sometimes the secondary losses are also significant or add many complications to the initial primary loss. The more roles the person filled in your life, the more varied and complicated your adjustment will be. In other words, grief is not merely related to the intensity of love, it is also related to the complexity of your loss. Each role that a person played in your life is, in reality, a separate loss to you."

I have had to drive a great deal back and forth from my old house in Dallas (for sale) and my apartment in west Fort Worth! After each trip, I would be exhausted and angry and longing for sweets! After this week's session in the Grief Recovery class, I realized that my husband had driven places that were frightening to me (like high-fives). He would stay up at night and comfort me when I could not breath. Even though it has been 20 years since that relationship has ended and I had finished the grieving process...I thought ~ I realized this week that I had never grieved over or gotten over the anger caused by specific major changes or losses in my life. It is my nature just to move quickly on and try to forget (also very typical of members of military families). So this grief workshop has helped me see wounded places that need acknowleging and healing. I go to God in prayer for that healing and for help with my new life in a senior community.

Lord, forgive me for my weakness and distress. You are all powerful and awesome in your love and gentleness with me. Let me remember that there is always a balm in Your words and truth. Help me through this time of remembering and working through the pain of past relationships - so that I can live a whole and useful life in Your service and that I can let Your light shine for those that will come into my life in the future. I am not whole and today- as always, I come to you a cracked vessel waiting to have your light shine through my scars and weaknesses. With Christ I can do anything. Forgive my unbelief when I do not live the life of the redeemed. In my glorious Redeemer's name I pray, Amen.

The Divine Element: The Basics of Life

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 16 Oct 2010 04:49:00 +0000

Giant Steps of Faith

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 26 Jun 2010 02:08:00 +0000

Giant Steps of Faith

How can I ever compare my earthly battle with any of the martyrs in the New Testament? And yet - for me the battle is so real, so depressing, and so hard. It is a struggle of life versus death. I know my life was or is not hard compared to others. However, as long as I can remember, death was a dream wished for; an escape prayed for. My early dreams were full of a sweet, dark cave of death where I could hide; where the talking, the brain washing, the overwhelming fear and control of abusers would be silenced forever. For many years (and even recently) I doubted God's existence and His love. Why did he not answer my plea to die at age 8, age 10, age 11, etc.? Through all this despair, all the darkness - God sent light - at just the right time ~ a kind voice of reason, a gently touch from a friend or relative, and therapists who saw beyond the depression to the real problem. I was and am - a work in progress - a broken clay vessel being filled - a building being constructed.

"Take a good hard look at Jesus. He's the centerpiece of everything we believe, faithful in everything God gave him to do. Moses was also faithful, but Jesus gets far more honor. A builder is more valuable than a building any day. Every house has a builder, but the Builder behind them all is God. ... Christ as Son is in charge of the house. Now, if we can only keep a firm grip on this bold confidence, we're the house! ....So watch your step, friends. Make sure there's no evil unbelief lying around that will trip you up and throw you off course, diverting you from the living God." Heb. 3 (various verses)
As a building - I am nothing compared to the builder - Christ. For me it is the hardest thing in the world to tear down the old house, the old self that was built in my childhood and then continued in a disfunctional marriage. It seems impossible to get past the walls plastered with morbid lies, the fearful foundation laid by a parent who could not impart love physically or emotionally. That is why the scriptures above and below help me, encourage me and guide me.

"Anyone who intends to come with me has to let me lead. You're not in the driver's seat—I am. Don't run from suffering; embrace it. Follow me and I'll show you how. Self-help is no help at all. Self-sacrifice is the way, my way, to finding yourself, your true self. " Luke 9:23-24 ~ Message or NIV: "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me".

These scriptures help me see that what is important in my daily struggle - is not the shape of the building but who the builder is. As long as I am stepping out on faith, taking up my cross and following Christ - no one can judge the shape of my building! My building - my life - it might never look "normal" to some people - my faith might look weak and incomplete. But for me getting up in the morning and stepping out of bed is a giant step of faith. It is taking up my cross and fighting the dark thoughts and voices that echo in my brain. Breathing in and out on some days takes a hundred tears but I believe in Christ and I move forward. Those giant steps ~ for me take great faith!

Lord, Thank you for the victory that I have in You! Sometimes I forget how much You have accomplished in my life and I forget to praise You. I can do nothing without you ~ even walk! I am sorry, so sorry that I squelch the joy in my heart by an ungrateful attitude. Lord, so many people are hurting today emotionally and physically. Please give them peace. Oh, Lord, come quickly! However, if that is not to be, help me serve You faithfully with all my strength until You come. Help me reach out to others and serve you daily. In Christ, my Saviors name I pray, Amen.

Bad Choices

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 01 Jun 2010 02:56:00 +0000

Bad Choices

It has been one of those days again! I start praying and wanting to do the Lord's will, eat correctly and healthy but the need becomes overwhelming and I am drawn away from doing what I know is right. I tell myself, "It's OK to go to the grocery store. You really do need to buy a few things". But down underneath the "reasoning" is the real truth - I am hungry for something that will make me feel better or just "feel" or as it was today - not feel anything at all. I get to the store and I tell myself that I will just stay on the aisles that have healthy food - just get in and get out. But it never works and the rationalizing begins... "oh, it won't hurt to have just a little..."

Marie T. Freeman once said, "No matter how many books you read, no matter how many schools you attend, you're never really wise until you start making wise choices."

So once again I go to God's word... James 1:5 (above) gives me hope but verse James 1:6 says, "But let him ask in faith without doubting. For the doubter is like the surging sea, driven and tossed by the wind". The Word cuts like a sharp sword - it gives me such hope and purpose but it also sends the light of truth straight through to my heart and soul. Each time it does this - each time the truth really catches me with its spotlight, I curl up in a ball in bed and cry (if I could fall to my knees I would). The light shines on my sea-sick soul today because this addiction to food is killing me. I can't keep doing this! I am diabetic and I have to get this under control. My membership with Medifast has been "frozen" because of all the tests and my lack of balance. Perhaps I need to activate it again. But I want my health to improve and it is an extreme diet.... I will ask my doctor when I see him. Being obese is not helping my health at all!

So I come to God, seeking His forgiveness, seeking His wisdom and guidance... Yahweh - the only search engine I really need in life! "But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be provided for you!" Matthew 6:33

Lord, I have failed you again. I am committing suicide little by little by eating unhealthy and giving into the "hunger" that becomes my every thought - until it is met. The gratification never lasts long and I am left washed up on the sharp rocks of failure and shame. Just like the disciples at Gethsemane, I have failed to stay alert and guard against temptation. I wanted to do what was right but I was weak and so stupid. Lord how can you put up with my constant failure! I can barely stand to be around me! Please Lord help me remember your love for me ~ when I am tempted again. Help me remember Christ's living, loving, and dieing for my sins. Help me remember the joy of my salvation, my baptism, and the good things that have been given to me. Help me choose wisely as I follow in the footsteps of your only begotten Son. Like him - let me think less of myself and more of others. Keep my hands, mind, and emotions busy in the service of my Lord and King. In His name I plead, Amen.

Birth to Death

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 31 May 2010 05:05:00 +0000

Lord, we pray for all the soldiers that are being sent around the world and that serve here at home. Please help us to remember those who gave their lives for America, even if we did not always agree on the military actions of that time in history. God, you are in control of our nation. Please guide our leaders, for without you ~ nations fall.
Today, and all weekend ~ I am so thankful for my earthly father. Everywhere he went, he put his job in the Lord's army first. He brought thousands to Christ but was a humble man. Even though he had over ten medals from various wars and won commendation after commendation - he always said it was an honor to serve his God and country ~ that he was just a soldier waiting for his next marching orders. Thank you Lord, God for examples like my Dad. We praise your name today and pray that whatever "marching orders" you send us, we will be listening for the call and be ready to serve you with all our hearts, minds, and will. In Christ, our Saviour's name, Amen.

My father was in WWII, two tours of duty in Vietnam, and served his country with destinction for over 50 years. His death last year has been difficult for me. Memorial Day, for me, has always involved the military aspect - honoring and remembering those who gave their lives for this country. This film takes a quiet moment to reflect..The melody was a nightly tune on every base that we lived on.
"Day is done, gone the sun, from the hills, from the lake, from the skies. All is well, safely rest, God is nigh. .....Go to sleep, peaceful sleep, may the soldier or sailor, God keep. On the land or the deep, safe in sleep."

Peter said, "No! Lord."

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sun, 30 May 2010 23:04:00 +0000

Peter Said "No"!

God had things in motion. Salvation was finally going to be sent out to Gentiles. Cornelius, a respected Roman soldier, was waiting for God to send a messenger, Peter. But when God talked to Peter in a vision, Peter said "No, Lord!" to God's command. I am sure he was very confused. God himself had given the laws about eating unclean animals but the vision was not about killing and eating animals. It was God showing Peter that the old laws were gone and the new law meant breaking bread with the "unclean" Gentiles. So even though Peter said "No, Lord!", God's plan would not be stopped.

Corrie ten Boom wrote: " Peter said, "No, Lord!" But he had to learn that one cannot say "No" while saying "Lord" and that one cannot say "Lord" while saying "No". This quote really struck me last night as I was reading a book of devotional lessons and prayers for women. Why? Because for as long as I can remember, no - was the word echoing in my mind ~ for as long as I can recall. While I was proclaiming aloud, "Yes, mam. Yes, sir." ~ the loud chiming of "NO! NO! NO!" rang in my ears, deep in my mind. The sound was deafening and it blocked me from a normal life. It blocked love from coming completely in and it blocked me from loving and trusting others freely. The knelling would start anytime relationships became close, "No one can be trusted! No, they will hurt you! No, you are not worthy of love!"

When I read the quote from Corrie ten Boom last night, I first thought about her life and how much I have respected her sacrifice over the years and how I have cherished her writings and wisdom. Even in the Nazi concentration camp, Ravensbruck, she continued to say "Yes, Lord" when she could have said no to the horror, the daily suffering, the death of loved ones.... My mind would have gone into numb mode, disassociating from reality and "No! No! No! Dear God No!" would be coming out of my heart, mind, and mouth. Then I remembered some of Corrie ten Booms other words:

"We are not called to be burden-bearers, but cross-bearers and light bearers. We must cast our burdens on the Lord."... " Worry does not enable us to escape evil; it makes us unfit to cope with it when it comes." ..." Every experience God gives us, every person he brings into our lives, is the perfect preparation for the future that only he can see." ...." When God allows extraordinary trials for His people, He prepares extraordinary comforts for them." " There is nothing anybody else can do that can stop God from using us. We can turn everything into a testimony."

"All praise to the God and Father of our Master, Jesus the Messiah! Father of all mercy! God of all healing counsel! He comes alongside us when we go through hard times, and before you know it, he brings us alongside someone else who is going through hard times so that we can be there for that person just as God was there for us. We have plenty of hard times that come from following the Messiah, but no more so than the good times of his healing comfort—we get a full measure of that, too. ...Whatever God has promised gets stamped with the Yes of Jesus. In him, this is what we preach and pray, the great Amen, God's Yes and our Yes together, gloriously evident. God affirms us, making us a sure thing in Christ, putting his Yes within us. By his Spirit he has stamped us with his eternal pledge—a sure beginning of what he is destined to complete." 2 Corinthians 1: 3-5; 20-22

Wow! These scriptures help me so much! Even though terrible things happen - things that make the heart curl up and scream "No! Please God, no!", God still counsels me with a healing affirmation and places His "Yes" within me. Now I look back at the little girl that I was, who screamed no to God. She survived, hidden away - disassociated from the harsh, real world. Yet, that little girl was stamped with Yes!

It is the eternal pledge of God that my life and my end will not be a sad, frightened "No" but a new glorious life and in the end, a last peaceful, joyous "Yes".

Lord, thank you so much for your word, your promises. Without it I would be lost and afraid every day. Forgive my lack of faith when I get caught up in the pain and horror of this earthly life. That you have provided a purpose filled life for me that is stamped with your affirming "Yes" - it is too much to take in! Thank you Lord for salvation through Christ, your Son. How can I keep from singing your praise and joining in the chorus of "Yes". Help me to focus on the "Yes" and go, like Peter, to places unfamiliar, places that might be new and a little frightening. Through Christ I make this request: keep guiding me, keep counseling me, help me see the yes and not the no.... Amen

"And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit." 2 Cor. 3:18

Changes

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sun, 30 May 2010 01:10:00 +0000

Changes

New medications, more tests, changing swimming pools, starting the next round of physical therapy, roommates moving out, fostering a new stray kitten until a new owner can be found..... So many changes, so little energy!

Moving On by Mark Lopez; reading this poem I several phrases struck a cord in me because of what is happening around me this week. Lopez starts off mentioning the importance of not impeding the caterpillar on its way to becoming a butterfly. Then big change happens ... "A cocoon separates you from yourself." and this change, this morphing into something new ends with ..." an energetic disruption of things familiar....Tip your wings on gentle breeze, and soar the rising thermal of life anew." Right now my roommates are moving out, and moving on with their lives. I will miss their youth and energy a great deal. You would think after all the changes I have experienced in my life that I would be used to it all. I was a military kid, then traveled and moved around on the mission field and then all around the states again. Now I own a house but don't know if I can afford to keep it. The advertising for roommates will begin in mid-summer at the local schools and colleges. This fall I am hoping to tutor students full time from my home - filling the house with the sounds of children laughing and learning, singing and debating.

I have prayed for help and for my future... change and growing is part of that process. It just seems to be harder the older I get. So as I seek to slow my anxious thoughts and pounding heart.... I go to the Word for guidance and comfort:

"So, my very dear friends, don't get thrown off course. Every desirable and beneficial gift comes out of heaven. The gifts are rivers of light cascading down from the Father of Light. There is nothing deceitful in God, nothing two-faced, nothing fickle. He brought us to life using the true Word, showing us off as the crown of all his creatures." James 1:16-17
"I'm absolutely convinced that nothing—nothing living or dead, angelic or demonic, today or tomorrow, high or low, thinkable or unthinkable—absolutely nothing can get between us and God's love because of the way that Jesus our Master has embraced us." Romans 8:38-39
God doesn't come and go. God lasts. He's Creator of all you can see or imagine. He doesn't get tired out, doesn't pause to catch his breath. And he knows everything, inside and out. He energizes those who get tired, gives fresh strength to dropouts. For even young people tire and drop out, young folk in their prime stumble and fall. But those who wait upon God get fresh strength. They spread their wings and soar like eagles,They run and don't get tired, they walk and don't lag behind." Isaiah 40:28-31 "Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, LORD, have never forsaken those who seek you." Psalm 9:10

Lord, I am sitting in a mess of chaos again. Surrounded by boxes, people coming and going, strange voices echo in the halls as people help to move out my roommates. Lord thank you so much for providing Kate and Amanda - even if it was for a short time. They were honest, kind and I felt safe with them in the house. Lord help me to remember that You are with me and that whatever the future brings ~ You will be by my side. Forgive me when I am afraid or when I doubt your loving care for me. I am so unworthy of the matchless gift that you have given. In Christ's name I pray, Amen.

The Fallen Returns

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 26 May 2010 01:56:00 +0000

Confession ~ The Fallen Returns..

Tonight, again, I am watching the finals to The Biggest Loser on TV. For weeks I have been so depressed and felt like giving up on everything. I kept trying to count my blessings- so many tests showed nothing wrong. So when I was told that I was having seizures and that I would have to start on medication that costs $200 to $300 a month...well, I gave up! For over 4 weeks - I just gave up! Everyday I prayed and thanked God for a new day of life but when I started eating - starting at breakfast .... I did not stop eating until bedtime. I have gained 18 lbs of 45lbs that I had lost!
When I see the amazing weight loss of those on TV... I get even more discouraged. The Lord is on my side! How can I not be a "winner". But then I have to remind myself that life is not a competition and I should not compare myself to anyone else. God does not compare me to anyone else. I am unique and His treasure, His creation. My soul will stand alone before the throne of God to be judged. I am responsible for my life, my sins, ....tonight - I come before Him once again confessing my sins, my addiction to food, and my fears, my lack of faith in God's love.

So, once again, I write this entry as part of a journal, searching every day for the Way to turn hunger and thirst for love into a spiritual feast that replaces emotional eating habits. The days that I write in the online journal - those days and those blog entries are testimony, not of my success, but of God's guidance in my life and His love for me. So I go back and read the entries, read the scriptures that got me through a difficult day. I listen to the songs that helped me through temptation before. Journaling is so helpful as a tool to understanding why I eat, to see what my true weaknesses are, my triggers.

God's words continue to guide me - today, about temptation, confession, and that God is in control. Here are some basic thoughts the scriptures that support those thoughts:

Jesus is my Lord. The devil has no power over me. (Matthew 28:18; Colossians 1:13); In Jesus’ name I can block satan from controlling my life and forbid him from bothering me in any way. (Mark 16:17; James 4:7); No weapon formed against me shall prosper. (Isaiah 54:17); I fear no evil for You are with me Lord. (Psalm 23:4); Greater is He that is in me than he that is in the world. (1 John 4:4); Christ has set me free from the curse of sin and death. By His wounds, I have been healed. (Galatians 3:13; 1 Peter 2:24); The Lord is my Shepherd. I do not lack. (Psalm 23:1); My God is supplying all I need. (Philippians 4:19); I am a child of Almighty God. He loves me and takes good care of me. (Matthew 6:32-33; 7:11); The Lord is my Helper. I will not be afraid. (Hebrews 13:6); I can do all things through Christ Who gives me strength. (Philippians 4:13); All things are possible to me. I have faith so nothing is impossible. (Matthew 17:20; Mark 9:23); I am a forgiver. I am patient and kind. I walk in love. (1 Corinthians 13, Romans 5:5); Jesus has become my wisdom. (1 Corinthians 1:30); I have the mind of Christ. (Philippians 2:5); The Spirit of truth lives in me and teaches me all things. He guides me into all truth. (John 14:26; 16:13); The Lord gives me wisdom and understanding. (Proverbs 2:6); God is for me. (Psalm 56:9).

Lord, thank you for your wonderful love and the ultimate gift of love, your forgiveness due to Christ's sacrifice on the cross, for my sins. It is only through the cleansing power of that blood, that I can walk in your holy, presence and talk to you justified ~ Just as if I'd never sinned against you. Glory to your holy name! Lord, I am so weak and pain makes it difficult to think straight. Now they want to add a medication that will make me dizzy, weaker, and sleepy. I am worried and heartsick. Help me to focus on You and Your love for me. God help me to love you with a pure heart and rejoice in your truth, your word to me. Help me trust in you for everything. Lord, pain and illness isolates me so often. Please help me find ways to reach out to others and love them, just as you loved me. I pray this prayer in Christ's name, Amen.

Heart's Creation

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 14 Apr 2010 23:32:00 +0000

Heart's Creation

Lately my heart has been hurting both physically and emotionally. Tests and MRI results have shown that my heart is relatively healthy and the pain in my chest is caused by nerves being pinched in my spine. Between pain killers and physical therapy I am moving forward but it is four steps forward and three steps back. A great deal of what is wrong with me is due to my own sins; hiding my feelings by eating too much. However, this pain and disability is also caused by my body aging and decaying. Like Job, I contemplate God's nature and His plan...

"Your hands shaped me and made me. Will you now turn and destroy me? Remember that you molded me like clay. Will you now turn me to dust again? Did you not pour me out like milk and curdle me like cheese, clothe me with skin and flesh and knit me together with bones and sinews? You gave me life and showed me kindness, and in your providence watched over my spirit." Job 10:8-12

God's word always helps me find the answers to my musing, the turmoil that spins in my mind while laying in bed wrestling with pain. I wonder if Job and Paul have talked to each other in heaven? Paul gives the answer to all life's questions:

"Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." Romans 5:1-8

Turning to God and His word always helps me. Writing down these thoughts, this blog is a sort of diary, a travel journal ~ of how God is changing my life. It is a diary filled with human frailty, written my someone carrying too much baggage from the past. Sometimes on days that are too full of pain ~ I go back and read some of the blog entries and it helps to see that He guided me through that day and helped me understand and persevere so that I could live with hope. I see through all the failures ~ that His truth is slowly changing my life and that I am being equipped for the battle ahead. I am also blessed with a network of online Christians that I can go to for inspiration. They share their daily struggles and how God is working in thier lives ~ through Christ.

Lord, I thank you so much for the life you have given me. Forgive me Lord for the time I have spent being selfish and only dealing with my own problems and issues. Give me eyes to see and a heart full of love for the lost and hurting. Guide me toward service that I can do ~ even with my limitations. Remind me daily Lord that my limitations and disabilities; this physical body ~ these things do not define me. They are part of the clay vessel but You are the most important part of my life. Create in me a heart that beats only for You; a clean heart fit for Your service and Your presence. With a heart of longing and praise, I pray this prayer in Christ's name, Amen.

"How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me? Look on me and answer, O LORD my God. Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death; my enemy will say, "I have overcome him," and my foes will rejoice when I fall. But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to the LORD, for he has been good to me." Psalm 13:2-6

Kenosis vs. Fame

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sun, 04 Apr 2010 16:18:00 +0000

"Think of yourselves the way Christ Jesus thought of himself. He had equal status with God but didn't think so much of himself that he had to cling to the advantages of that status no matter what. Not at all. When the time came, he set aside the privileges of deity and took on the status of a slave, became human! Having become human, he stayed human. It was an incredibly humbling process. He didn't claim special privileges. Instead, he lived a selfless, obedient life and then died a selfless, obedient death—and the worst kind of death at that—a crucifixion. Because of that obedience, God lifted him high and honored him far beyond anyone or anything, ever, so that all created beings in heaven and on earth—even those long ago dead and buried—will bow in worship before this Jesus Christ, and call out in praise that he is the Master of all, to the glorious honor of God the Father. " Philipians 2:5-11

Christ's gift to me can never be matched ~ by anyone, anytime in history. It is the story of God's grace and love for me ~ for everyone who hungers and thirsts for life beyond sin, beyond death. Christ emptied Himself, became man and died for me! Kenosis is the Greek word used by early Christians and Paul. It is the Greek word used in Philipians 2:7. It means self-emptying.

Do I see this very often in everyday life? Not really. But I am always looking for examples of Christ in this world.

Here are two videos about Colt McCoy that demonstrates this "kenosis" in the real world.
(I am not a football fan but can appreciate someone like Colt's faith in the face of the unknown and pain; when peer pressure and media try continually to make you into a hero. Listen what Colt does with his "fifteen minutes of fame").

Lord, I come before you now and ask for your help. I walk in the world, as myself, and I find it difficult to empty myself. I want so much to be Christ-like, or a Christian ~ in the world.

Lord, You are worthy to be praised! The gift of Your Son on the cross is a gift beyond comparing. That He fought death and decay and came from the tomb victorious ~ for my sins ~ is unbelievable! Help my unbelief... Just like He was raised from death to walk a new life ~ I have been raised, redeemed from sin's darkness and shackles ~ to walk a new life. Thank you is such an insignificant phrase for such a glorious gift. Lord, I come before you today ~ hungering and thirsting for your words ~ for the retelling of the Salvation Story; the story of the life, death, burial, and resurrection of the Son of God. With a heart of full of longing and praise, I pray this prayer in Christ's name, Amen.

New Cloths for Spring

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 10 Mar 2010 18:01:00 +0000

New Cloths for Spring

Spring is supposed to be a new beginning, a new start ~ freshness in the air after the damp, cold air of winter. For me, Spring has meant increased pain and more tests; MRIs, blood work ~ all adding up to medical bills totaling over $60,000 in 30 days. As I have shared before, my past "pain killer" or escape from emotional and physical pain has always been food, especially chocolate. I have been unable to swim and when I get out at all, it is usually for less than an hour. But through all of this, God keeps sending me His word through various formats. Even though my weight loss has stalled, I know God wants me to continue the good fight, continue redeeming my body as His temple. That He is changing me from the inside out is amazing; even though the sins of others scarred my body for life and my sins and lack of faith continued that dispair and destruction - - until God started me on this journey, recorded in this blog. Today God sends light to my path of darkness and calls me to a vision filled with hope of eternal life and He wants me to put on New Cloths this Spring:

"You're done with that old life. It's like a filthy set of ill-fitting clothes you've stripped off and put in the fire. Now you're dressed in a new wardrobe. Every item of your new way of life is custom-made by the Creator, with his label on it.... From now on everyone is defined by Christ, everyone is included in Christ. So, chosen by God for this new life of love, dress in the wardrobe God picked out for you: compassion, kindness, humility, quiet strength, discipline. Be even-tempered, content with second place, quick to forgive an offense. Forgive as quickly and completely as the Master forgave you. And regardless of what else you put on, wear love. It's your basic, all-purpose garment. Never be without it. Let the peace of Christ keep you in tune with each other, in step with each other. None of this going off and doing your own thing. And cultivate thankfulness. Let the Word of Christ—the Message—have the run of the house. Give it plenty of room in your lives. Instruct and direct one another using good common sense. And sing, sing your hearts out to God! Let every detail in your lives—words, actions, whatever—be done in the name of the Master, Jesus, thanking God the Father every step of the way." Col. 3:10-17

Here is Tim Lewis talking to other Christians about Col. 3:

Dear Lord, I come before you again today, pleading for your mercy and forgiveness. I give up so easily when I am surrounded by pain. Surround me with Your love ~ my Lord, my God. Help me to remember Christ's sacrifice and wounds. Eternity with You is my goal and my dream. All I really know is that I love you ~ You are my life, my breath. Please help me keep the vision of eternal life with You in front of my mind, my thoughts each minute of each day. Thank you for your word that lights up my life. Lord, there are so many people hurting and dyeing today. Surround them with love and send helpers to them. Bless those that take your message to others, whether it be online, standing in a building or walking the dusty paths in foreign lands. Lord, it is in Your Son's name I pray today, Amen.

Helping me focus on life eternal and transformation ~

Grady King's ending of Sermon "Tears of Hope":

Infinitely Rewarding Task

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sun, 07 Mar 2010 19:59:00 +0000

Infinitely Rewarding Task

God is good! He is providing the Dallas area with a steady, cool spring rain. This has enabled me to surround myself with a heating pad, warm blanket and the Word of God today~Sunday. I would rather be out with other christians, singing His praise but the pain is too great this morning. It is possible that I will be able to get out later. In the mean time I am blessed with the infinitely rewarding task of seeking God. This is my main goal in life ~ my main task. Sometimes this makes life difficult but it is a goal with infinite possibilities and unlimited blessings. God's love for me is endless, His plan for my good is filled with boundlessness!

"Save me! I'm all yours. I look high and low for your words of wisdom.
The wicked lie in ambush to destroy me, but I'm only concerned with your plans for me. I see the limits to everything human,but the horizons can't contain your commands! Oh, how I love all you've revealed; I reverently ponder it all the day long." Psalm 119:94-97

My greatest escape, the most soothing pain relief in my past ~ was always chocolate. Sometimes every breath I take, every spasm of pain calls out for sweets. This method of pain control, this habit is like a wicked beast waiting to ambush me and destroy the new person who God is forming each day. God's words of love, His promises are taking the place of that dreadful habit. The story of Jesus and His love for me helps: that old, old story that is the main thread of the Bible; how I was lost and sinful and God, in His love planned for my salvation through the generations of Abraham. God's promise throughout the ages, through Israel, was a Savior, a King that can rule my heart now, and for eternity. Without Christ ~ there is no hope of salvation.

"I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End. To him who is thirsty I will give to drink without cost from the spring of the water of life" Rev. 21:6

So I will continue reading God's word today, listen to songs praising Him for His boundless, endless, infinite love.

Dear Lord, I cannot fathom Your endless glory, Your boundless love for me! Forgive my blindness, my limited view, my sinful nature and stuborn mind. Everywhere around me the universe sings Your praise but so much of the time I only feel and see my life, my pain. Open my eyes to Your glory and your promises. Thank You for Your guidance today and every day. In my Redeemer's name I pray, Amen.

Let the Rains Begin!

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sun, 07 Mar 2010 03:13:00 +0000

Let the Rains Begin!

Good news always feels like a shower from heaven! Most of my test results are in and they say I have not had a stroke and my cardiac tests came back normal. Deut. 11:13-14 says: "From now on if you listen obediently to the commandments that I am commanding you today, love God, your God, and serve him with everything you have within you, he'll take charge of sending the rain at the right time..."

I am feeling a little better but the pain in my lower back and right hip is still there and it has been there for the last three months. Yesterday I had an MRI taken by a back doctor and I will find out the results next week. I feel like loosing weight has helped so much. I need to ignore the voices from the past that say, "Give up! You have ruined your body and now, no matter what you do, you will die soon." Then the temptation to eat sweets increases because the "what's the use" monster is lurking around every corner of my mind. I have to remind my self that there is hope and joy for the hurting. God promised this again and again in His word. "Don't be sad, because the joy of the Lord will make you strong" Nehemiah 8:10

"If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my Father's commands and remain in his love. I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete." John 15:10-12

As Pollyanna said in the Disney movie, "There are 826 happy texts in the Bible".

So today I will focus on those things ~ "I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies." Phil. 4:8-9

Dear Lord, thank you so much for the good news I received from the doctors. Help me realize that I am already dead ~ to sin, to death, to dispair. Help me focus on the new life you give me every day and the hope and joy of life eternal with you. Lord, how can I every praise you enough for this fantastic gift of grace? Your love surrounds me tonight and comforts me. Even if sleep does not come because of pain ~ I thank you for your words that rain comfort on my dry and thristy soul. In Christ's name I pray this prayer, Amen.

"You always show me the path that leads to life. You will fill me with joy when I am with you. You will give me endless pleasures at your right hand." Psalm 16:11

Issues

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 24 Feb 2010 21:35:00 +0000

Issues

Every time I turn on the TV or read a newspaper I am overwhelmed by the anger, frustration, and disgust that is present there. This chaos of voices and endless arguments leaves a stain, a blot on my day. Instead of walking in God's love, peace and hope, the path of politics and issues leads to despair. For many years I just ignored any voice filled with fear and anger, I would not look at anyone with a face constipated with rage. I was raised surrounded with opinionated, judgemental people and I was not going to listen at all!

Then I read a quote by Jack Exum, "Issues come and go. How you handle the issue, is the real issue." Amen!

In John 8, Jesus was surrounded by swarms of people. He was trying to teach them the basics of life ~ what really mattered. "The religion scholars and Pharisees led in a woman who had been caught in an act of adultery. They stood her in plain sight of everyone and said, "Teacher, this woman was caught red-handed in the act of adultery. Moses, in the Law, gives orders to stone such persons. What do you say?.....Jesus bent down and wrote with his finger in the dirt. They kept at him, badgering him. He straightened up and said, "The sinless one among you, go first: Throw the stone. .... Jesus once again addressed them: I am the world's Light. No one who follows me stumbles around in the darkness. I provide plenty of light to live in."

The Pharisees wanted to side track Jesus from his main message of love and forgiveness, of being a servant instead of a master. It is not the issues of our day that should be our focus; healthcare reform, abortion, right versus left, etc. Jesus is pointing to a way past the chaos, beyond the "issue" or all the arguing about laws. The law of love reigns when Jesus, the Light of the world leads the way. All the issues become clearer and anger, arguing, and hatred fall back into the shadows. Love is the answer, for God is love and the first commandments must be followed first: Love God and then love your neighbor.

Paul speaks to Romans and to us today: "If you preach, just preach God's Message, nothing else; if you help, just help, don't take over; if you teach, stick to your teaching; if you give encouraging guidance, be careful that you don't get bossy; if you're put in charge, don't manipulate; if you're called to give aid to people in distress, keep your eyes open and be quick to respond; if you work with the disadvantaged, don't let yourself get irritated with them or depressed by them. Keep a smile on your face. Love from the center of who you are; don't fake it. Run for dear life from evil; hold on for dear life to good. Be good friends who love deeply; practice playing second fiddle. Don't burn out; keep yourselves fueled and aflame. Be alert servants of the Master, cheerfully expectant. Don't quit in hard times; pray all the harder. Help needy Christians; be inventive in hospitality. Bless your enemies; no cursing under your breath. Laugh with your happy friends when they're happy; share tears when they're down. Get along with each other; don't be stuck-up. Make friends with nobodies; don't be the great somebody. " (Romans 12 - The Message)

Dear Lord, I am confused by politics and the chaos and fear that spread more and more each day around me. Since my health is not the best, the healthcare debate is very upsetting and causes me to worry about my future. Lord help me remember that you are in control. Help me focus on voices filled with love and the light of Your grace. I have been blessed to live in a country where I have a voice and a vote. Help me to see past the red faces and raised voices. You cause nations to fall and raise them up. Forgive me when I doubt your mighty hand and loving plan for my life and my country. In Christ, I pray this prayer, Amen.

Firm Foundation

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 23 Feb 2010 22:16:00 +0000

Firm Foundation
Today was a day of doctor visits, specialists in their field. Last night it was hard to sleep, hard to breath in and out. Test results, more tests to take, and more pain seem to be my future. Numbing the fear by eating mindlessly has been my solution most of my life. Changing that behavior is so difficult. For most of my life I have been surrounded by people who base their perceptions, their truths on fear. Their life is based in judging others so that they can feel safe. Truth, love, and forgiveness is not part of their foundation. I pray for them every day but I have to move forward with my life. When it comes to my disfunctional family, I share Paul's wish:

Col. 2:2"I want their hearts to be made cheerful and strong. I want them to be joined together in love. Then their understanding will be rich and complete. "
As for my own personal fears about my health and my future ~ well, I have always dreamed and longed for a "home". Perhaps this is because I was a military kid or perhaps it is because home was never a safe place to exist. Maybe that is why I love the scriptures about "building" a life or making a home. 1 John4:17-18, "God is love. When we take up permanent residence in a life of love, we live in God and God lives in us. This way, love has the run of the house, becomes at home and mature in us, so that we're free of worry on Judgment Day—our standing in the world is identical with Christ's. There is no room in love for fear. Well-formed love banishes fear. Since fear is crippling, a fearful life—fear of death, fear of judgment—is one not yet fully formed in love. (The Message)"

Forming a strong foundation of love for my life is a goal I am working on every day. I have been crippled in more ways than one but when love runs freely throughout my heart, then freedom from worry is around the corner.

Sometimes humor helps to lighten the fear and make a path for the most important message.

Luke 6: 47-49 "These words I speak to you are not mere additions to your life, homeowner improvements to your standard of living. They are foundation words, words to build a life on. If you work the words into your life, you are like a smart carpenter who dug deep and laid the foundation of his house on bedrock. When the river burst its banks and crashed against the house, nothing could shake it; it was built to last. But if you just use my words in Bible studies and don't work them into your life, you are like a dumb carpenter who built a house but skipped the foundation. When the swollen river came crashing in, it collapsed like a house of cards. It was a total loss. (The Message)"

Dear Lord, help me tonight to fall asleep without pain pills and without fear of the future. As the river of pain crashes on me with each breath, please Lord hold me with your hand and let my faith stand strong. I am such a weak person but with Your help, I know I can make it through anything that comes my way. Through Christ's name I pray this prayer, Amen.

Gaither "Rock of Ages" :

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5_ISoPWH5UE

Valentine Heart Mending Journey

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 15 Feb 2010 05:01:00 +0000

Mark 12:30

Love the Lord your God with all your heart

with all your soul

and with all your mind

and with all all your strength. ...

Love your neighbor as yourself...

There is no greater commandment

than these.

If ever there was a man that made this his life's goal -

it was my father.

This year of pain, sorrow, and healing has been

quite a journey.

When it comes to my personal journey through this year of searching and healing -

I have learned that I really don't know much. My faith was tested and all my plans and hopes were changed so quickly. I started gaining weight after my broken leg, being disabled, my father's stroke and hospice and then dealing with relatives and the estate. I had to throw myself on God's mercy and beg for guidance and understanding. I started this blog - seeking a way through my disfunctional eating habits and I continue to seek His truth and direction in my life.

I don't know much

- but I know that I love the Lord with all my heart. I am trying to love Him with all my mind but my past, deep scars, and walls of pain get in the way some days. I love God with all the strength in my crippled body. Loving neighbors and dealing with relationships comes last in the commandments Jesus spoke of.... without the first - loving God, I am not capable of loving others.

I am a work in progress but

all I really need to know is

I love the Lord!

Dear Lord, thank you for your loving, guiding hand in my life. I heard someone at the swimming pool say the words - "I don't know much" and all of sudden I remembered an old song. When I have been bedridden these last three weeks, the song comes to mind and I realize as I scream "Why?" ~ that I don't know much. Lord I only see my small world, my short life. Thank you for bringing this song to my mind ~ one that tied into Christ's words to disbelievers. Lord, I am nothing and all my understanding is worthless unless I can follow the greatest commandment - to love You first and forever with my whole being. Please forgive me when I have been so filled with pain and lost in selfishness - that I have nothing to give to you. Help me realize that all you expect from me during that time is to just love You and to hold on until the pain stops. Forgive me when my faith is weak and my dreams for the future get in the way. Thank you for your Son who showed me that I am lovable and worth saving. With this overwhelming gift of grace, love begins as a seed and is growing and scattering light into the dark shadows of my past and lighting a way through numbness - leading to weightloss. Successful eating, excercise - all of it can only be done if I follow your plan for success. It is in the name of Your glorious Son that I come to you today in prayer, Amen.

Sweet Trust

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 11 Feb 2010 04:34:00 +0000

The God of Love has sent me down a path that is shrouded in fog and pain. I can't see what is to come but I know that Christ is my guide and will save me from any holes, cliffs, or sharp turns that I cannot see or anticipate. Even though I can't see ahead, I walk by faith. Am I good at walking by faith? No, not always. So I go to the scriptures for help and I look for examples of other Christians that have gone through trials and were able to trust in the Lord. They were rewarded, some of them in this life.

"Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, LORD, have never forsaken those who seek you." Psalm 9:10

Below is a film clip about the author of the lyrics to one of my favorite hymns. The story is about trust ~ even in times when it seems impossible to take another step. This clip reminded me that God's people keep loving their Lord with all their hearts, minds, soul, body ~ their whole being.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." 1Cor. 13:4-7

Lord, thank you for your wonderful love and the ultimate gift of love, your forgiveness due to Christ's sacrifice on the cross, for my sins. It is only through the cleansing power of that blood, that I can walk in your holy, presence and talk to you justified ~ Just as if I'd never sinned against you. Glory to your holy name! Lord, I am so weak and pain makes it difficult to think straight. Oh, God help me to love you with a pure heart and rejoice in your truth, your word to me. Help me trust in you for everything. Lord, pain and illness isolates me so often. Please help me find ways to reach out to others and love them, just as you loved me. I pray this prayer in Christ's name, Amen.

The Weight of the Cross

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sun, 07 Feb 2010 05:40:00 +0000

Thoughts and images about the true weight of the Cross...

Romans 5:1-5

Blameless Life

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sun, 07 Feb 2010 04:27:00 +0000

The "Blame Game" has been around since Adam and Eve. Here is a fun way to look at how blaming others - goes no where and accomplishes nothing...

Soaked, Dirty Wool

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 22 Jan 2010 04:31:00 +0000

God's salvation is truely great! His gift of his son, as a sacrifice was too great a price! Yet Jesus, my shepherd, took on the shame of death in my place. My "dirty wool" kept me off the path of righteousness and away from the throne of God. My sins seperated me from a holy God and the glory of His presence.

The Saving One

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 16 Jan 2010 07:53:00 +0000

When I am in pain, I listen to music and doodle on the computer. It keeps me from eating or numbing out with food. Here are two Christian songs that I added pictures to and wanted to keep online so that I can watch them when I hurt too much to even doodle or move at all.

Going over journal entries have helped me greatly. I know the scriptures and songs are coming from the Lord and the entries mark my ups and downs during this time of change. Some day I will share this blog with others but for now it is just a personal journal ~ a journey.

No Small Thing

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 13 Jan 2010 06:09:00 +0000

Art & Music Project

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 07 Jan 2010 06:32:00 +0000

I have been in a great deal of pain lately ~ so I doodle and listen to music to ease the pain and keep from eating or numbing out with food.

Black and Blue

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 06 Jan 2010 03:06:00 +0000

Black and Blue

My brother played little league baseball and I would watch from behind the fenced backstop. One time I had my nose and fingers sticking through the fence and wham! the batter threw his bat as he ran and I got a bloody nose, bruised fingers and a black eye. After that I would flinch every time I heard the crack of a baseball hitting a bat.

Family life behind closed doors was not easy. I learned to be afraid and overprotective of my body and my soul and my mind. Over the years, with God's help - I have learned that I cannot control life and there will be "black eyes" and I will feel black and blue often in my life. Hebrews 11:17 - Abraham was forced to sacrifice his son but at the last moment, God spared him this sorrow. Abraham believed God would fulfill His promises and was ready to do the unthinkable, the unbearable. "Blessed is he who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him." James 1:12 I am promised that if I get out there and keep believing, no matter what trial comes, how painful it may be ~ when "game over" is called ~ a crown and eternity with the Lord is around the corner. Dear Lord, Your mercy is amazing! Thank you for keeping me alive this long and healing my battered soul and mind - year after year. Help me to live a fearless life and but my trust in You every day, even when life becomes painful. Help me look at Your Son for my example on how to treat abusers. Lord please forgive my family and help them see how useless a life spent hiding secrets is... let them see the truth and stop denying the family "sins". Through Your Son's name, the Rock of my Salvation, I plead, Amen