The Thought Pad

On returning to India

2012-05-16T19:28:00.000-07:00

It doesn't happen very often that you find an email sitting in your inbox from a complete stranger in which that person is requesting you to update your blog, and asking you to talk about how does it feel to be back in India, while simultaneously he's expressing his adoration for your writing. A rare email of this sorts is then starred, and my inner lazy writer wakes up at 7am in the morning to write.

How does it feel to be back home, after much struggle and adventure in the US? There is no single word or sentence to describe that feeling. It's different here, definitely, much different. Perhaps not different than it was 2 years ago, but to me, it's again a whole brave new world.

As I sit in the open verandah on the second floor of our house, I can smell the fresh morning dipped in a hue of smoke. I can hear the sound of distant horns, blaring in perfect chaos, dampened by the chirping and twittering of many odd little beings that I have not seen or heard since long. Life seems to be slowed down here, yet the traffic on the road is ever-accelerating on twisting, narrow, unknown katcha-pucca roads. I am no more able to cross the roads or sit behind the car driver with ease. People stare at you here for no reason, and their faces look so tense or sometimes so serious, but perhaps this is so because their expressions are genuine and they are not trained to wear plastic white smileys as several are in the US. I could notice by the glare in their eyes, while I was showering a "thank you" to everyone who interacted with me, that there were many people who have not been thanked yet for their silent, lowly jobs.

Everything, everyone seems to moving, rushing past each other, heading for sliding into those closing doors before anyone else, and yet there is this strange stillness in this country. A stillness of a relaxed, and unorganized bachelor's room, where things lie as and where they can, without much care or order. This emptiness has ridden my personal daily scheduler of ink, so I don't have anything to do in the next few hours, or tonight or tomorrow, or the next two weeks, as per the blank entries next to the columns of days and time slots.

But no matter how difficult it maybe for adjusting to everything that was once my own, and perhaps still is, nothing, no developed nation in the entire world, can offer or defeat the savory, sweet-warm taste of gujiya on my early morning dry tongue.

Gujiya, my favorite Indian sweet.

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Current Book: "A Brief History of Time" by Stephen Hawking
Current Music: "Jaage Hain Der Tak" by A.R. Rehman in movie "Guru"
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I don't feel like doing anything

2012-04-29T20:01:00.000-07:00

I want to go back to India, lie in ma’s lap, curl up inside the comforter and watch TV with half open dreamy eyes all day. I want to eat mithai dammit. It’s one of those times when I just don’t wanna do anything. Anything means no bloody studying or anything productive. Guh, I hate this. I want to scream out the F word so bad that everyone who’s in the vicinity should reduce to dust and all those great people who did great things should vanish from the history books and especially Wikipedia, and then I wouldn’t have to work so hard to beat them. I do not want to read this crappy paper (paper is a casual word for a scientific research article). I want to go home and eat that huge cake lying in my fridge (my roommate had a birthday recently). My stomach is squirming. I’m squirming. Somebody, just please hit me. Hit me, hit me, hit me. Hit me so hard that I go unconscious and I go to sleep for a while and when I wake up, lots of days and deadlines should have already passed. And on top of all this workload and tension, I just came to know about a famous blogger who recently sold her book to the nation’s topmost publishing house. I saw her struggling since 3 years and now she finally got what she deserved. I’m happy for her but not so much for myself. I feel like slitting my own throat with a darn nail cutter. Look at me. I’vent got shit done, haven’t even written something worth publishing. What I had written, is under review since 3 months, and has been rejected from everywhere else anyway. I haven’t read a single goddamn book in the past 4 months. Why? Been too busy earning a Master of Science. Hell yeah, Master of Shit. Look at yourself in the mirror. Just take a look. You’re nothing. And you will be nothing. And nobody cares about you, you back in the mirror, pile of junk. Nobody's gonna read your 150 page Masters' thesis. Never, ever. I wish I was that little 1 year old baby like the baby girl of my friend doing a PhD. The baby girl gets all the attention from her PhD parents all the frikking time. She doesn’t have any reports or papers to submit. Hell, I wanna be a baby. I don’t know where this post is going, I don’t know where I’m going, prolly you’re not reading this anymore. If you’re, well, screw you. Why are you so happy and glum, reading shitty blogs on the internets and not have any work to do? I so much hate you for your idleness. Jealousy, yes, bitch. I wish I could read some shit around. I wish I could see some America in the last two weeks before I leave it for forever. But no, I’ve to kill myself first. And before that, in this week, I’ve got to submit two papers to Prof. X, take two final exams from the hardest courses outside my department which were not required but I took them just to add some stress in my life.

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Current Book: "The Best of O' Henry" Selected Short stories by O' Henry
Current Music: "Hum Kis Gali Jaa Rahe Hain" by Shaan
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The Horrors of Final Oral Defense

2012-04-17T23:43:00.000-07:00

PS: This is a very memory recording, personal journal type of post and you may not really get anything out of it, unless you're genuinely interested in the fine details of my mundane life.

After about 7 hours of sleep in past 48 hours, the Judgement day finally came. The table was set with strawberries, donuts, cupcakes, cookies and juice. The audience and the three professors sat there, eating, relaxing, their eyes on me and their minds on food. And I stood alone, in the corner, holding the laser pointer like a sword, with a pack of 50 colorful powerpoint slides as my arrows, defending my past two years worth of masters research.

The presentation went for an hour. People asked nice, genuine questions and I answered them fine, except this one Indian girl who pissed the hell out of me. I think inviting her was a huge mistake. She is from a different department, doesn't know shit about what I'm doing, but she asked me this trap/tricky question on the fourth slide of my presentation. Fourth darn slide, even before any of the professors spoke. And then she asked again, 2 minutes later. Twice, she interrupted me while I was speaking. And I could tell, all she wanted was to show off by being a jackass. What a bitch.

After everything was over, I emailed her telling clearly what I thought of her as I knew even earlier she was so jealous about me getting PhD admissions and stuff. And now she's all like, she was just curious and all. Earlier, she had spent 2 hours when we met a month ago, convincing me why I should stay at my present university and not go Awesome university or Europe because I may have to come back as the courses and stuff would be harder there. Guh, why people have to compete so much with others?

Nevertheless, we moved on, the public part of the defense was over, and as people left, the grilling private session with the 3 professors began. I could answer most of the stuff but at one point I was sort of tired and pissed, and thus did a major screw up.

Prof. X is my major prof., Prof 1 and Prof 2 are the other two.

Prof. 1: I am a bit disappointed Tanya, you presented everything fine but you didn't explain any basic concept of how your results have solved the problem you presented early on. I mean I have no clue what is that, what is this, and why getting that is helping you solve this problem.

Me: I didn't cover that because I covered that in detail in my last POS meeting, so I assumed everyone would know the basics.

This was perhaps quite arrogant of me which I didn't realize then. The moment I said the damned word "assume" he raised his eyebrow in a manner that showed his ego was deeply hurt. He stared at me in disbelief, and perhaps slight contempt, for a long 30 seconds.

Prof. 1: That was 6 months ago, I had 8 proposals, 17 presentations in the meantime. I can't keep track of all the students I interact with.

I kept silent after that, and then he gave me a real hard time. There is a major lacking in my research and that's something I fought over with Prof. X 6 months ago, warning him again and again that people will argue why we didn't fulfill that gap in our research. But Prof. X just doesn't have a single, freaking dollar to fulfill that gap. He even suggested me, back then, to use my own salary or fellowship to fulfill the gap by paying myself for all the costly experiments but that is just unbelievable. So the ego-hurt Prof. 1 stuck on to that precise gap, and tortured me why it wasn't even considered. Anyway, I didn't reveal the real truth on our tight financial budget to the committee, and din't say anything about the stinginess of my professor. And Prof. X took care of them, telling we can't do it, because we didn't have enough time and money (the money word he said quite softly)

After an hour of grilling, they sent me out, to discuss the final decision of the committee among themselves (Pass vs Fail). And even though most defenses usually get Pass, and I was sure I will pass, but those 10 minutes of wait outside the room I felt I was gonna be failed, especially when those 10 minutes felt like an eternity. And I could her loud voices of my Prof. X, probably defending my case to the other two.

Finally, Prof. X opened the door, greeting me in with a smile, saying "Congratulations!". And all three of them shook my hand, congratulating me, with that ego-hurt Prof. 1 saying, "So when are you joining that other university? August?"

"um-no, in June."

"Oh-uh, so fast, well, good luck."

And then I left the room, and the building with a yellow form, tightly clutched in my sweaty fist, that had their signatures on the section "Pass", and I didn't feel as happy as anyone would after their oral exam, due to the unfortunate events involving the Indian bitch and this ego-hurt prof 1. But as I pour this all out, I feel relieved. That's the power of writing because I can vent all I have inside. On the other hand, this lame, average student who sucked at studies since childhood, has finally learned something and feels empowered.

And now I'm done. I'm through. I'm free.

I leave United States of America behind, on 10th of May, 2012, for good.

The curse on the ugly people

2012-04-10T19:47:00.001-07:00

I have always believed that ugly or plain looking people like me are in someway cursed. We were not meant to enjoy the trivialities of life as most other people do.

Often people come and ask me, "What's the purpose of life?", and I stare right back at them in reply and penetrate my gaze deep down their eyes to check if that's really what they're asking. Because if they are, it's too trivial a question to ponder upon. "What's the purpose of life?" Don't you know? Don't we all know? Inherently, aren't we equipped to answer this? Aren't we fulfilling that very purpose, silently, every day, every moment?

We are the ants. Not the grasshoppers.

The purpose of life is to live. It's that simple.

Biology has defined this purpose and we, as living beings, adhere to it, no matter we realize it or not. We live, and we want to live incessantly and that immortality is achieved by producing work or offspring.

The people who look plain/ugly/not-beautiful and also believe that they are so, suffer from this coupled inferiority/superiority complex which makes them think that they are different from rest of the beautiful people. Their inferiority complex makes them work harder to achieve the same level of happiness they think others might be having, and their superiority complex encourages them to achieve a different or an elite bliss which, according to them, others might not be destined to have. And then, we, ugly people, pursue science or art and excel in such arenas so that our beautiful peers can reproduce and their children may prosper. We must then stay in our labs, in our closed cubicles, away from the world, because if we went out to flirt and fool around, who will save the dying world and solve the upcoming energy crisis? Who will write great literature that will teach the upcoming generations the important lessons of life?

After all, we want immortality and for our species to live continuously, each of us must play our part. When I see a very hot girl or a handsome guy working hard alone on creating great work, I deem it as an insult to his/her fate. That's wastage of gifted talent. Or perhaps, they also "believe" that they are not beautiful enough and hence have joined the crowd of ugly.

And you'll always see that people who make it to the very top or to the very bottom have always found themselves lost in a combination of inferiority/superiority complex and it's a fine ratio that governs the slope of life. Those who are too satisfied, too happy, and too content with what they have, continue to live happily ever after and prosper as a family does. But we, the ones with this gnawing rage, this maddening thirst, and shimmering desire, must continue to look for answers.

We suffer from this disease, this disease called "inspiration" and I must suffer and toil till I find my treasure.

This is my curse. And this is my gift. How about you?

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Current Book: "Selected Stories" by Edgar Allan Poe (Haven't read single page in past 4 months)

Current Music: "Yahan ke Hum Sikander" from Jo Jeeta Wahi Sikander

How things come full circle?

2012-03-19T21:05:00.002-07:00

I am at this super famous conference for 3 days and its funny how things are unfolding in my nascent research career.

SCENE #1: At the bar
Light lamps are dim, wine glasses are glowing. Tanya is somehow at the same table with Prof. Goswami (who is a demigod in her field)

Prof. Goswami: So how are you Tanya. We met before right? Yes, yes I remember you. So are you finished with your masters?
Tanya: Umm, yeah. I'll be graduating this semester!
Prof. Goswami: You're not continuing to a PhD with Prof. X?
Tanya: Umm, I applied to a couple of places and am waiting for some and deciding on some, umm-
Prof. Goswami: Which ones are you deciding on?
Tanya: Uh, I got this fellowship from Awesome University and an offer from this school in Europe and am waiting from one more in UK, so -
Prof. Goswami: What? You should go work with ___ at Awesome. She was my PhD student you know. No, no, don't think about it. I told you. You must work with her, join Awesome at any cost. What will you do in Europe? Nothing. You can't live there forever. Stay in US. Look, you'll be associated with "Awesome's" brand once you graduate from there. Who will care about Europe? Here, you're confused, I know a guy from Europe. He was in Europe earlier. Let me fetch him. Hey, JJJ, tell this young lady, why Awesome is better than ___ at Europe.
JJJ: Well, it depends what the young lady wants from her life.
Tanya: Uh-um-uh, I-I-
Prof. Goswami: She's confused of course. She's young and doesn't know what's good for her. I'm just telling her, Awesome would be much better for her career.
JJJ: Well, Goswami, if that's what you want me to speak, I'll yield. But its really her choice.

Prof. Goswami laughs and exits. Tanya moves to talk to JJJ in private. A professor from Awesome university who's interested in Tanya lurks in background, overhearing everything. Tanya feels uncomfortable with all the unwanted attention and escapes the scene with a crushed tissue paper on which lies written JJJ's email.

SCENE #2: At a meeting
All participating elves are from the Awesome University.

Elf_1: So, did you hear back from any school?
Elf_2: Oh, you were one of those visiting candidates, are you getting anywhere?
Tanya: Yeah, um, they're giving me a fellowship!
Elf_3 scoffs.
Elf_2: Oh really?
Elf_1: What's the deal? How much?
Tanya is red cheeked and speaks after much hesitation.
Elf_3 scoffs.
Elf_2: That's what I got as well, a while ago. Hmph.
Elf_1: So you're coming to Awesome right?
Tanya: Um, well, I'm kind of waiting on this Europe one. And -
Elf_3: What? You're not sure about joining Awesome? Huh.
Elf_3 scoffs again and exits.
Tanya: How's the sessions going on for you guys anyway? Which ones you attended?
Elf_2: I went to X, Y and that..that. Z.
Elf_1: I went to A, B, and C, D.
Tanya: So um, you guys don't, like, attend together? I have no one here from my university :(, but we used to kind of go all together in common sessions. I can join you in whichever one you're gonna go, if you like.
Elf_1 and Elf_2 exchanged a condescending look, scoffed and left Tanya alone.

SCENE#3: In the hotel room
Tanya sits facing the glass wall in her hotel room on the 17th floor, looking out in the shining downtown.

Tanya: Things don't seem right. I don't know why. I should be happy. I have got an awesome offer from
the Awesome University. I'm finally getting a chance to leave behind Prof. X and my Jaali university. But things appear so strange. The people at Awesome, they are kind of so bitchy. They are this, really, elvish people, you know. Really competitive, and with no emotion whatsoever. But elves were supposed to be nice and kind. Maybe only the wood elves. I don't know, frikking orcs they are. They would kill the other guy to get their paper published and stuff. They have this stench of rivalry emanating from their soul. I don't know if I can live in that kind of environment. And then US is also getting on my nerves. I'ven't seen much of it but whatever I've seen haven't turned out as rosy as I had hoped it to be. It's too pompous and glitzy. Nothing real really.

And I remember, exactly two years from now when I had applied to Awesome University for Masters degree, they rejected me. Rejected like I was some lame shit. Perhaps I was. Perhaps I still am. But now they want me. They want me like anything. And I had figured, it would be a nice ending to the story that first they rejected me and then after my hard work and subsequent attempt they would accept me. But then, somehow the story's climax isn't as good as it should be. Something's missing. Something.

They rejected me once. I guess now it's my turn. It's I who should now reject their offer. What if I? Perhaps go Europe, you know. Future will be uncertain after going there. Entering US will be much harder then. But that's fine. At least the story would be nicer. Rejection replied with rejection. And then things will come to a full circle. It will make sense.

Lights go out and Tanya's silhouette is last seen staring out in the North-East. Outside her window, the city is still alive and vibrant in its illusive light and false music.

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Current Book: "Selected Stories" by Edgar Allan Poe

Current Music: "Nadaan Parindey" from Rockstar

At the Darkest Hour

2012-03-10T09:19:00.000-08:00

I entered Professor X's office last friday afternoon with a beating heart and anxious face.

"I wanted to tell you something which I think I should have told you before but if I did you wouldn't have let me do it-"

His face became immediately stern as he took a half circle on his revolving chair to face me, leaving the important half written email mid way.

"What is it Tanja. Tell me straight and quick."

"I-I participated in this competition, and I got selected in the top finalists of the nation, and now they want me to participate in the final event in Texas next week. And I need your signature on this form so that I can go-"

"I will not sign it. This, this is wrong. Very wrong..And it's not the first time, you know it. When you did it in the first semester, without my permission went ahead to submit things, I tried hard to understand and forgave you because you were new...But now? Again? No, no, don't say it's a little thing. I don't care about that. I know it's a small thing for me to sign it and I don't care about it. It's about honesty. You're not honest with me. You want to hide things from me. On purpose. This is not good. Not good at all. You should have asked me in the first place. Yes, okay, maybe I would have said "no". But then an advisor must have a reason to say no, right? Then we could have argued. At least we wouldn't have to see this day. Now this is all so messed up. See Tanja, you made a mistake, you must pay for it. You must withdraw your entry from the competition. Your attitude is not right, Tanja. You push people, it makes them so uncomfortable. I can't review your thesis on your schedule. There's no time left, your defense is coming near, and you've nothing in hand. Look at XuXu, he has submitted his thesis to the committee already and his defense is later than yours. He started working on it in December and you began in March? This is not gonna work, Tanja. You've to change if you want to do well. Listen, I know you're gonna leave this university, no, no don't say anything, I can see that in your eyes. Your heart is not here anymore. That's fine, I've hired the Japanese girl anyway. But mark this, this is my personal advice to you. Wherever you go, you'll have a new advisor. He/She may not tolerate this attitude of yours. Ok? I'm telling you this because I've known you. You are bright, Tanja. And it seems you love this profession very much, you'll become a good professor one day. But only if you're honest and nice to people. Otherwise success in future will be hard. And you're my student, no matter where you go, my name will always be on your resume. I don't want to hear bad things happened to you later in your career. This is a small research community we're in. Everyone knows everyone. I want you to think and aim far, not waste your time in these petty competitions. Okay? Respect people. I hope you remember my advice."

And with that he turned his back to me to stare at the half-written email he had left behind to lecture me. Yesterday, I felt like things had come to an end. It was 3 PM when I came out of his office and I felt shattered, broken. For a few moments I realized perhaps he's right. Perhaps I won't be a great, successful person in the classical sense of these terms. And besides I didn't have a single PhD offer in my hand and I was about to be kicked out from the Jaali university within 2 months or so. Sometimes, you know, life is so dark around you, that it's not just blinding, it's suffocating.

But then, I reasoned myself. I said, "Well, it doesn't matter. Prof. X had already screwed my letter of recommendations. And if success means sucking feet of lame men by being a silent, laborious slave, then I don't want that kind of success. Nahi chahiye vaisi kamyaabi. I'll be better back in India, in my own room, alone, with a book in hand. A book like "Catcher in the Rye". And then I would write my own, and maybe publish it you know. But I can't do that diplomacy to win people. I'll never be a ruler of a reign. I was and always be a warrior. An amazon. Who fights by principles and dies in courage. I will not yield to incompetence. This life is just a story of this steep descent." But even then, the stark fact haunted me for two hours that life's gonna be harder if you're gonna continue making enemies and if you continuously refuse to respect people. But why should I respect them, these phonies?

Anyway, at 5pm, at the darkest hour of my life, I received a phone call. It was from the Awesome university I had visited a few weeks ago. And the professor that I was interested in working with was saying, "Tanja, congratulations. You've been awarded two fellowships for your PhD, which will cover your entire tuition fee and stipend. I would love if you could join my group, we would be able to do a lot of great things together. And, no, no, you don't have to tell me anything right now. Do not at all feel pressurized to decide, I'm sure that with credentials like yours, you must be having a couple of options and you might be waiting from other schools. So take your time, I would look forward to see you join us but feel free to let us know in two weeks, okay?"

"You just made my Friday night," I crackled on phone as a tear smeared down my cheek.

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Current Book: "Selected Stories" by Edgar Allan Poe

Current Music: "Breaking the Habit" by Linkin Park

Elves from Princeton, Hobbits to Mordor

2012-02-27T21:25:00.000-08:00

Following snippets are from the PhD campus visit I recently had in an awesome university:

# I reached the university 10 hours later than my scheduled time due to all kinds of snowstorms which cancelled/delayed possible flights and left me to rely on reluctant bus drivers who at one point actually controlled my fate single-handedly. Hungry, tired and with messed up hair, my series of interviews with various professors began 5 minutes shortly after I reached their campus. I was most interested in the following professor because he was not an engineer but a scientist:

"So Ms. Singhal, you're clearly at a disadvantage here. You missed all the morning sessions where the faculty gave their research overviews, so you've no clue what we do-"

I cut him and told what I knew. And I offered if he's interested in seeing some of my papers that I had brought along.

"Ah I see. So you've done your homework."

# Another professor that I liked went into more of a philosophical questioning.

"So Ms. Singhal your research is interesting. Do you think you can apply these concepts to the real world? How long do you think we may have before these technologies are available for the public welfare?"

I guessed 10 years and she laughed.

"Well, things change rather slowly in the US, Ms. Singhal. 10 years is too optimistic anyway. So, tell me, do you think you can change the world?"

"Yes."

# Once the interviews ended, I was quite happy and sort of imagined that I had bagged it and all. Little did I know then that the competition was incredibly fierce with candidates from Ivy leagues and such brand names that I didn't even feel like telling people that I was from Jaali University. We had a lot of free food and lot of socializing events, campus tours, lab tours etc which I enjoyed but hour by hour in those three days I kept on meeting stronger and stronger candidates. Prospective graduate students were from Georgia Tech, Berkeley, Texas Austin, Stanford, Penn State, MIT, etc and even Princeton for god's sake. And the only reason those guys were interested in this university was because they had lived 20 years in their hometown and now wanted a goddamn change. Secondly this university which we were visiting is supposedly ranked good in my tiny specialization but overall the university is not that much of a tagname as Caltech, Ann Arbor etc.

Once I saw the people, their profiles, and their high IF publications, I turned quite depressed and tried my best to passively convey that this university isn't really as good as the others they have applied to. I tried this hard on the Princeton elf, this smart, hunk of a dude with a royal breeding who was looking down upon everything anyway. I sometimes wonder how god can make people so intelligent and so hot at the same time. And why I ain't blessed with a single quality? I hope he goes to Harvard or something. But why would anyone leave Princeton anyway.

So well, near the final hours of my stay at the cursed campus I was quite upset and began to hate everything. I hated my own incapability, own lame existence. I just had or have no chance. Profs were being nice to everyone apparently and will let us know in 2-3 weeks. I know what they gonna let us know. . .

And then I felt like a lonely, weak hobbit stranded in the dark land of Mordor. And I felt, I felt, Elves may be strong and capable but they don't care about the battle. They are just too good to participate or fight. They have nothing to fight for, no desperation they have in their soul. And most of all, they and all the other creatures of this middle earth lack one thing, with which this poor hobbit is blessed in a surplus quantity. And it is due to that one thing, this hobbit was able to match her shoulders with tall elves for a couple of days on sacred grounds. That one thing which I cherish beyond all, my friends, is courage.

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Current Book: "Selected Stories" by Edgar Allan Poe

Current Music: "Badal pe paun hain.." by Chak De India

Awards and stuff

2012-02-21T20:14:00.000-08:00

So this is a totally useless post for this week so you may not really need to read it if you're looking for something which you usually look for when you visit this blog. However, if you happen to like me and are in the bandwagon of those silent yet loyal followers who are often curious to know how my life is screwing up as a function of time, you're welcome to stay.

So lately, I was given this blog award and all and am pretty much new n excited towards this stuff. I guess this isn't that huge a deal in the blogosphere but I guess it's a nice gesture especially when it is done to a lesser creature like us. So here we do the formalities for acceptance of Liebster award (I first thought I got a free lobster or something but no, no free food here)

So, thanks Devan for this kind gesture.

And now I guess I've to pass it on to five beloved bloggers. And that put me in lot of trouble first because I think I love nobody and then at the same time I love everyone a lot but only in exact same proportion. But then it occurred to me, there have been some regular people commenting on my rants and possibly in some deep, dark corner of my heart they are the most beloved to me. So naturally award goes to them (in no particular order) (really sorry if I missed some1, am very sleepy at this moment):

Shreya, at Life Unlimited
Subho
Neeraj, at Probing Life
Kirklops, at Interstate 42
Rangr, at Intasa

These people are kind of just awesome. Thanks for visiting here and making your presence felt guys because it makes my day. It really does.

And on other news on my life, this week I'm travelling for the ultimate PhD interview in a university which is supposedly #1 in my specialization in US. I'm pretty tensed. I'll share the details of the event live from their campus soon next week.

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Current Book: "Selected Stories" by Edgar Allan Poe

Current Music: "Tanha Dil.. Tanha Safar.." by Shaan

Free Advice to a Random Romeo on Valentine's Day

2012-02-13T16:40:00.000-08:00

Here are the first emails that I received ever seeking free advice.

"Dear mighty-all knowing-amazon of the universe, (A standard greeting for me which wasn't included in reality)

Hello,.
Read your blog about advising
Can you advise me on my questions regarding relationship.

Thanks in advance."

This followed another email:

"Hello.
Actually I want to give her a valentine gift
help me urgently.

Thanks & Regards,
Mr. Random Romeo +91-98-------"

Dear Mr. Random Romeo,

Thankyou so much for contacting us for advice as its seldom that our views are sought by the public and once in a while, when they are, our soul is filled with so much of gratitude (and a slight shadow of embarrassment) that we can't exactly explain to you how it feels, but it must be enough for you to know that we feel and we feel much better. And now I should be focusing on your feelings (which are the concern at this moment), instead ranting away at an innocent fan seeking advice.

Well, in the matters of relationship and love, I mostly suck, but then the most awesome advice comes from all the suckiest corners of the world, so you are not in that bad of a receiving end. Uhm-uhm.When giving gifts to ladies or women or female creatures of any sort, soft toys, bunnies, stuffed lame animals (consider sheep) etc most of the times do the job and I hope that you're aware of this universal fact. Of course we shall not pretend that you're unaware of the power of expensive Jewellery but guessing by your emails and the tone of urgency I can predict that you're looking for smarter/cheaper options and "Jewellery" is certainly not what you want to hear. Certainly not.

Hmm, crossing out stuffed toys, Jewellery, you may consider the normal clothes or apparels from some branded showroom but then again you may be doomed if you mess up on the figure/size and that option may also devour your pocket. (Sorry, we don't know why we're sounding so stingy today, but if you can afford stuff, go ahead, get plenty of gifts for her, play safe)

Lastly, what "we" would like ideally from our valentine (in some lucky, parallel universe we might have a handsome valentine waiting for us) would not be something expensive bought from a fancy showroom* but it would be something personalized, something unique (here's the point where girls go vague and incomprehensible), something that wins our heart! Something crafted, moulded just for us and our relationship, even if that's as trivial as a couple of old pictures stapled together in the shape of a heart with golden frills/glitters all around, it would work, in a nut shell something which would show that my guy spent time and effort on making that gift, and making that valentine's day special for us, just for us.

Regards,
Tanya

*On a second thought, for us, expensive Jewellery would work just fine. Thanks.

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Current Book: "Selected Stories" by Edgar Allan Poe (guh no progress)

Current Music: "Valentine's Day" by Linkin Park

A Flame in Turmoil

2012-02-03T20:32:00.000-08:00

As you may have guessed from my absence that I've been terribly busy (assuming, no, rather hoping that there are people who actually care about this blog), I kind of feel bad for not writing for a while. Life has been such that there was some travel and then there is growing pressure of my MS graduation coming closer.

I don't know how to explain the situation that I'm in as clear as I hope I ought to tell but I'll give it a shot anyway. Basically, I'm looking for PhD positions at various universities and turns out funding and stuff is terrible rare these days. And I had two unofficial offers from two normal univs in whom I was never interested in the first place and the profs sounded kind of pushy and wanted me to say yes immediately, which made me shrink away further.

I mean I would rather continue with Prof. X rather than go out and find a worse devil to be my jailer for the next 4-5 years. But lately, as the awesome universities I've applied to are acting lazy in sending me back their decisions (rejections?), I am constantly haunted by an old conversation that I had with Prof X.

"So Tanja, did you figure out where you gonna do your PhD?"

"Uhmm, no? I just finished applying. How can-"

"See Tanja, you must decide fast. I can't hold funds for you till the end. Either you continue your work here at 'Jaali University' or you tell me right away that you plan to leave. I've a Japanese girl on my top list that's planning to come here for PhD, I can't support you once I hire others."

"B-b-b-b-b-b-ut, how can I decide before hearing back from any univ? Couldn't you give me some time to decide? ("Oh you bastard, don't you blame Japan now" <- This is what I wanted to say but couldn't say)

"I don't care where you go. I need a PhD student starting from the next semester, either you or someone else. Maximum, I can wait till February, after that if you come to me asking for PhD funds, I certainly can't help you. Have a good day."

And with that he trotted away, that son of a ___, leaving me in turmoil. This happened three months ago, and so far I'ven't got a single offer. And I don't know what's gonna happen to my future. Worst case scenario, I return back to India, jobless and hopeless, with a degree which no one cares about.

***

Three days ago things somewhat changed. A university has now invited me for a campus visit on their expense; it's not an offer yet, but it's something like a streak of light, a droplet of hope, a flicker of a flame, or really I think it represents the loose, abandon, window door in my dark and dusty attic.

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Current Book: "Selected Stories" by Edgar Allan Poe

Current Music: "Powerless" by Nelly Furtado

How serious you're about writing?

2012-01-10T20:14:00.000-08:00

Well, so I've been thinking there's a whole bunch of us, struggling writers, random bloggers, horsing around on the Internet. We spend time creating identities, looking for our own identities and god knows what else we're looking for all the time in the address bar of our browsers. I mean, there's a fair amount of writing talent that floats on the Internet, scattered here and there on lonely blogs whose authors keep checking their visitor stat counter everyday to see how many people came and actually read the shit they came up with.

So, I figure how serious we all are about all this writing stuff. I mean, are we going to be good writers or not? Are we going to be published authors of our novels or not? I've always thought of writing a novel, but I never wrote one. The first one I started last year, has only a chapter or so written. Lame, isn't it? I can't even call myself a writer. Are we really gonna write something worthwhile ever? Or are we here just to fool around, cater to anonymous comments, have discussions on useless politics and biased opinions and views of life? Don't we want do something with our writing? Don't we want to write something that will actually come in print and be read and passed over generations?

If so, and if your answer is a strong and guilty yes, I guess it is not too late to make a new year resolution.

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Current Book: "Selected Stories" by Edgar Allan Poe

Current Music: "Jaage Jaage Armaan Hai" in Mere Yaar Ki Shaadi Hai

A lonely Christmas

2011-12-26T20:15:00.000-08:00

So, how do you celebrate a cold Christmas when you're all alone for the winter break and your flatmates are gone to sunny California?

<scroll for answer>

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Eat a lot of pie and watch F.R.I.E.N.D.S.

This french pecan silk pie was killer. Had a ton of whipped cream on it. Also, as you may already know that I live in the land of obesity. That reminds me I gotta do some ab crunches next morning.

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Current Book: "The Hobbit" by J.R.R. Tolkein

Current Music: "I'm sexy and I know it" by LMFAO

What makes a genius?

2011-12-20T22:38:00.000-08:00

My education has rendered me no choice but to seek out and characterize everything. To put labels to things, to set patterns and logic behind every existing phenomena, and to find rationale behind every happening. No matter how far my science may be from the truth, it's hard for me to not to give out personal and biased judgments.

There, there you have your disclaimer.

I've often tried to explain to myself and my friends the definition of a genius and what separates him/her from an average person like me or anyone who is modestly willing to accept himself/herself as average. Thus I'm attempting to make some theoretical claims based on the graph above. The graph belongs to spectra collected from a Raman spectrometer, which I just got from google.

Now imagine the X axis is a span of all possible fields of art/science and Y axis be the magnitude of input in arbitrary units (a.u./intensity). While an average person would try and fool around different fields in life being able to put only limited effort in each due to constraints of a lifetime, his spectrum would be like a noisy spectra. Just pure noise, wobbling, shaking line along the X axis (see 700-800 cm-1).

But a genius would spend a life which would result in a spectra with sharp peaks at 1-2 points, spending his/her 40 years of life in a single, very specific field and making the most out of it (eg 950 cm-1 and other selected peaks). That's what separates an average person from a genius. An average person, at least me, is often afraid to put too much energy into one thing, so I'll try to do 2 things at a time, and then 3 and then 4 things, ending up as well-rounded human being who is perfect at nothing. But mark that I'm not saying, that a person by birth is a genius or average, it's simply a matter of motivation at a given point of time. If someone gets highly motivated in one specific area at some point, he/she may do well in that field, but then the question is will she/he stay motivated long enough? You could argue that geniuses stay motivated all the time, working on a problem unflinchingly, long enough till they solve it. I leave that open for interpretation.

If you want to make something out of your life, reduce the noise, and get some peaks. Focus.

Trivia#1: By the way, I know a bit about crystallography and I can tell you that in the results of most spectroscopic techniques and X-ray/neutron diffraction methods, sharp peaks denote crystalline material and wide humps denote amorphous material. Noise is simply subtracted or removed from the figures for convenience of knowledge dissemination. And most researchers try to study crystals because they are so precious and so rare. (oh and of course some people study amorphous materials like Glass too, well good for them, not so thrilling as crystals)

Trivia#2: There's a reason why all women like gems and diamonds. Now you know why. (because they are crystalline and give sharp peaks in their spectral features, just like geniuses!)

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Current Book: "The Time Machine" by H.G. Wells

Current Music: "My December" by Linkin Park

Why everyone is competing?

2011-12-01T20:05:00.001-08:00

As I hurried down the corridor, Tom, an undergraduate student from the class in which I serve as the teaching assistant, smiled at my gloved hands.

"So, ready for the competition today?" I asked in passing by.

"Oh yeah, its heating up. Everyone is putting their projects together. But I guess ours is going to be the best," replied Tom, nodding his head in quick succession.

The competition ran for the class duration and everyone's project was judged carefully with an unsaid prejudice. Professor X, as usual oblivious of human emotion, was busy judging too, not just the projects but also the capability of young students. And they were only young humans, to me, who were all equal in the end. I tried my best to be the best host, and kept the excitement up by constant cheering and encouragement as per the proceedings.

Then the results were announced, and of course not everyone can get the first rank. Students in teams ranking the last weren't particularly happy. Tom and his friend, as a team, ranked last in the competition.

"So the winners! The winners come here! Take pictures for the winners Tanja! A picture of the judges with the winners! The winners! One picture of the entire team of winners! Let's take a group photo with winners at the front!" These were some of the sentences that Professor X uttered after the results were announced. Every time she mentioned winner, a hot nail pierced my heart. I wonder how would the teams that didn't win must have felt.

"It's not about winning, we all learned something today. We all learned why things work and why they don't and I hope you learned that from this course. And don't worry about the final scores, they will be scaled down by a magnitude of 10, so there won't be a great difference between the scores of various teams, okay? Have fun, good job!"

But by the time I announced this, the most depressed team was already leaving the room, with their project.

"Hey wait, leave your projects on the table! We want to show other sections what you guys did! Everyone, leave their projects here for two weeks! Especially the winners, the winners' projects must stay with me! The projects must stay on the table, please listen everyone!" Professor X continued to ramble amidst the leaving, half depressed crowd.

Tom and his friend, muttered something under their breath, and approached towards the exit door. I rushed past the crowd of students to meet the lost team. Just before they could leave, I asked them to stop, and I put a hand on Tom's shoulder,

"I know your name. You are Tom and you, you are Jim, right? I'm the one who's going to do the final grading, so I'll take care of you, okay? Don't worry, I will take care of you."

"Thanks, Tanya, thanks a lot...umm, do you want me to put my project back on the table? I can put it there now."

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Current Book: "When the Sleeper Wakes" by H.G. Wells

Current Music: "Dhinka Chika" by Mika Singh

Why I don't like to travel?

2011-11-24T19:52:00.001-08:00

People often ask me why I don't travel as much as an average Indian does on his/her stay in the US or any developed country for that matter. People characterize me as too lazy or too nerdy or too stingy to travel and spend money on the pleasure of travelling. Yes, those are some of the reasons I don't travel but then, there's more to it.

Excuse me for my fine art.

To understand this better, we must first ask ourselves why people like to travel? Why people like to go to new places? Why? The common answer is, "to experience". Yes, that's part of the reason. But the primary reason is to have a "change" in their mundane lifestyle. And there's nothing bad in it, we all want changes in the set boring patterns of life. But the way we experience change, is different. Some people experience change by "travelling" and I kind of do like to do it differently.

I read a book and I travel to the world that may be more beautiful than anyplace in the real world. I read a research paper and I travel to a world that can't be perceived by common sense. In this way, I travel all the time. And did I forget to mention, if you want to classify travel, you can either travel in space or time, or both. Most human beings will do very less time travel (they will live in the present, and enjoy live action all the time, seldom pondering about the past or the future) and their space travel will also be limited to a couple of orders of magnitude in length/distance (when they travel around the world, its some thousands of miles, and when they make love, they move a few inches).

But if you do the kind of travel I do, you can travel to any time period (access historic/science fiction art) or do space travel (study astrophysics for travelling to higher orders of magnitude in distance or pursue quantum mechanics for travelling to much lower orders of magnitude)

We must remember that all of us as living beings, can only experience limited amount of things due to the constraints of mortality. But its entirely up to us, in which direction and to which depth, do we want to travel.

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Current Book: "When the Sleeper Wakes" by H.G. Wells

Current Music: "I Believe" by Agnee, Parikrama and Shilpa Rao

Why Grad Life is Awesome?

2011-11-01T20:25:00.000-07:00

Professor X sat staring at me and I could feel myself shrinking down before his gigantic eyes.

"So make sure you pay attention to your second paper. I don't want you to tell me later that this one also came back like the first one."

"Uh-yes, yes, I'm trying my best-"

"Don't try, just get it published."

"B-but, the-the data is not good, I can't help it. And the topic is also not very innovative. But I'm trying my best to write a good discussion on whatever I've got."

"Topic not good? How come Prof. Goswami got so many papers out of it? Did you read them? They've got a bunch of papers on this topic. Don't tell me you can't even get one paper out of it. Don't tell me you can't. All right, see you next week, I've other things to do now. Have the draft ready by then."

Little did Prof. X knew why Prof. Goswami got a bunch of papers on a shitty topic so easily. Following are the reasons:

1. Prof. Goswami is from an AWEsome university.
2. Prof. Goswami has got 400 papers. (Prof. X has got 40 papers.)

Thus, when peer reviewers see the name of Prof. Goswami on a submitted paper, they tremble in fear, sweat in profusion, wet their pants a lil bit, and finally accept whatever comes from the Goswami group of AWEsome university.

That's how academia works.

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What are books? What is music?

Future in Uncertainty

2011-10-25T20:57:00.000-07:00

"These are Dark times, that is no denying..." HP7, JKR

As I gear up towards my graduation in the next semester, uncertainty about my future is growing at an exponential rate. Perhaps that's because of my mental disease in which I want to see everything to be planned in a clear and set pattern. If something's not logical and rational, my mind fails to decipher it. And the worst part is, all this world, all this life is inherently illogical, irrational, and unpredictable no matter how many millions of research dollars we spend in modeling the behavior of materials and men. We still get good MS and PhD thesis out of these studies though but I can't say how closer do we get to really understanding everything we want to.

So yeah, I'm not sure what it will be like after my Masters. I remember the quote from The PHD movie, "Life's tough and then you graduate."

I'm thinking probably I might go for a PhD, although often do the toils of other crazy PhD students discourage me, and make me feel that I am too dumb to pursue more of grad. school. But then, even if I do end up encouraging myself to pursue a PhD, I need to find someone to fund me (Of course I don't want to continue with Prof. X, no matter how much he would love to exploit me more) I kinda want to move on.

Move on, yes, I think that's where the whole problem is. I can't stick to a place long enough. It just bores me, tires me. The people around me, I can't stand them any longer, more importantly, they can't stand me any longer. Probably that's the reason why my past is so faint and I've hardly any old contact who I'm in touch with (except a very, occasional few people).

I just can't drag the past with me. I'm too much occupied with the present. But it's the future that I am most worried about.
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Current Book: "The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night Time" by Mark Haddon (Halfway through!)

Current Music: Too busy to listen any music

Poor Indian Graduate vs Rich Professor X

2011-10-18T20:33:00.000-07:00

# We both sat staring at each other across Professor X's office table, waiting for the other to break the ice. My professor's huge square glasses hung low on his nose and through his unrestrained fiery eyes, he had begun to rupture my soul.

"So...umm...," I attempted to begin our weekly meeting, "did you get my email about the paper?"

"Of course, yes. Of course. I know." He sat still, ready to burst out any moment.

"Uhmm, it was my first paper...I hoped it to go through but...I feel bad."

"I told you. Didn't I? I told you but you never listened to me. You even argued with me, and that's your major problem. You have to do more tests if you want to publish papers in academia. You have to do more and read more."

"Umm, but the reviewers said that its rejected because its nothing new, we need to do something new to be accepted. Actually I don't feel bad now. It was just a bad paper with bad results. My next one would be better."

"No. You should feel bad. It's not about being new. Look at xuxuxu (insert random chinese graduate hero), look at his work and papers. Xuxuxu's project is very common but he still got good papers out of it. You just don't want to work hard. And your attitude is not good. You have to focus. Focus. Otherwise you won't be able to get things done. You're always running after scholarships and fellowships, but you're not so eager for research," Professor X's lower lip quivered intensely as he announced the climax just like pouring whipped cream on lemon cake, "You-you, you have the potential but you never seem to use it."

# So I went and sought some guidance from this old grumpy scientific guy, who's like the only person in the entire department who knows things, and that's what he said to me,

"I know professor X, been working with him since past two decades and I perfectly understand what you're saying. And lately, he's been having a lot of issues with students, I saw that, I saw that and I don't know why. But anyway, if you want to pursue some research that really matters, go and do your PhD under a real doctor. Someone who can teach you how to do things. Not these bunch of people who run this department and do stuff and publish stuff. You know what I mean by stuff?"

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Current Book: "The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night Time" by Mark Haddon (Yay new book!)

Current Music: "Hallelujah" by Jeff Buckley

On Kicking Ass of Inbox Spammers

2011-10-10T20:19:00.000-07:00

I suspect that my silly blog is somewhat getting famous and hence I'm getting promotional spam email. Here's how I dealt with it. The funniest part is that, this spammer chick, actually replied. Although I wouldn't be surprised if it was a smart bot's doing.

Hi Tanya,
I was reading your blog today and wonder if I could get your opinion on a diet/fitness app I am working on ?

For me, I think the main problem with being healthy is motivation. It's an abstract, overwhelming goal. I think the best way to counter this is to turn it into winnable games and small victories.
So… my app makes living healthy, and fitness into a RPG game, where users earn points, and "level up' as they accomplish their health goals. Everytime they add something healthy like veggies to their diet, they earn points. Everytime they complete a workout, they earn points. As they achieve more and more, they'll level up and unlock badges, and discounts/coupons to rewards like spas, health foods, etc.
There'll be challenges, which will get harder as people level up. And it'll follow a certain structure. First will come changing your environment such as getting rid of all junk food. Then, reducing stress, as stress leads to eating comfort food.

The whole point is to turn it into a game so people will rely less on willpower, and more on fun, achievement, and changing our environment.

What's your opinion on this idea? Would you want to know when I'm done with it? If this sounds too silly, or absurd, just ignore what I just said, hehe =)

Best, Christine

Then I replied

Hi Christine!

Sure you can get my opinion! That's what I do all day long, give opinion to people.

I think your idea is superbly amazingly awesome. I'm a little jealous inside that I didn't come up with it. But anyway, making it an RPG game is what I love the most about it. I would highly encourage you to contact Blizzard and see if they can allow you to make your RPG theme based on Diablo or something. Personally I would prefer World of Warcraft.

And since you're going to earn a lot of money through this app (and am sure you'll do cause you're already picking out legendary bloggers like me to get the reviews on your app even though your email looks more like spam which I am certainly sure that it is not), you can probably offer Blizzard some royalties in return.

The only issue that I see with this revolutionary idea is that all those fat people trying to get thin (especially in America), might end up spending more time on your game (sitting too long in one place without exercise would favor fatness, logically speaking) and thus it might defeat your original noble purpose.

I highly appreciate your efforts and wish you good luck in your sublime intentions. Let me know if you need more opinions and keep me posted.

Regards,

Tanya

Then she replied again!

Tanya,

Thanks for the thoughts, I'm glad you appreciate the idea :) This app probably won't be a RPG, in the true sense of the word. What it really is it a way to link our real world activities to positive reinforcement, and achievements in the app. They won't be controlling an avatar that explores a world.. in a sense, the avatar is them, and they will be the ones that will be leveling up.

I'll let you know when the site/app is finished, so you can check it out... I won't be done with it until later this year. I know my idea is not perfect, but creating something new that will help some people is exciting stuff! ^_^

Enjoy your week,

Christine

Seriously, people.

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Current Book: "The Call of Cthullu and Other Weird Stories" by H.P. Lovecraft (Some progress :|)

Current Music: "Chammak Challo" by Akon in Ra.one

A Crazy Day in USA

2011-10-01T20:22:00.000-07:00

# I was fighting with my professor over an issue as usual and the conversation was now coming to an end. Professor X stood there, looking down at me with a stolid face and fiery eyes, and his lip trembled as he finished our talk with his pet line, "Don't argue with me."

# I was sick after that incident and went to see the doctor the second time to find out they were not so happy to see my again for something as trivial as sore throat. Little did they know that I had spent the entire last night lying awake and coughing. When the old nurse asked me to remove my jacket to check the blood pressure on my bare arm, my t-shirt revealed a forgotten past of my life as it clearly advertised a gaming competition I had attended a while ago.

"Oh! You used to play video games?" she asked with lifted eyebrows.

"Yes...I-I used to play a lot..." I said, unsure of what to say, as pride heaved in my chest. But before I could say or think of anything else, she said something which left me speechless.

"So, in India, a lot of kids have computers?"

# I was at the pharmacy shortly after I saw her to collect my medicine. On the counter parallel to mine, waited an attractive young lady. She had engaged her fingers in straightening the locks of her blonde hair while listening to the chemist across the counter. The only snippet of the conversation that I could eavesdrop during my brief stay was a statement that was issued from the chemist's professional tongue,

"So this reduces the risk to 0.5% and this one reduces it further to 0.1%. But I would recommend you to use this and this, and that, every single day at the same time every time, if you want to avoid a baby at all costs."

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Current Book: "The Call of Cthullu and Other Weird Stories" by H.P. Lovecraft (No progress :|)

Current Music: "Intil" by Menomena (Haunting music) (DEDICATED TO ANONY - OH I MISS U)

As I Lay Dying...

2011-09-20T12:36:00.000-07:00

Oh, I am so sick. So, so, so sick that I can't get out of my bed since two days. It's the usual cold/headache/sore throat/fever but trust me it's not that usual as it seems.

I am thinking of all the classes that I'm missing, the deadlines that I'm skipping, the tasty meals that I'm ditching, the precious moments that I'm wasting, the workouts that I'm avoiding; I'm thinking of all the meetings that I'm ignoring, the cute guys that I'm not seeing, the experiments that I'm not performing, the kids that I'm not teaching, the talks that I'm not having; I am thinking of all the pain that I'm suffering, the pills that I'm devouring, the salty water that I'm gargling, the layers of comforters that I'm wearing as I lay dying but most of all, I'm thinking about the stories that I'm plotting.

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Current Book: "The Call of Cthullu and Other Weird Stories" by H.P. Lovecraft (No progress :|)

Current Music: "Jal Pari" by Atif Aslam_Coke Studio

Why Indians Are Shy? - Part II

2011-09-07T21:19:00.000-07:00

It all began with pizza and pop. I mean the onset of nervousness that spread down my spine the moment the cold gush of diet coke flooded my throat. The warm free pizza helped somewhat but it could not contain the fear of having a sore throat the very evening I had yet another theater audition.

I walked out of the free food event in time and prepared myself and my belongings to leave for the auditions. This time they were held in the main theater of the city and I had guessed right that this time I'd be auditioning on a real stage instead of a small room. After all, this was a bigger play, with a bigger cast, and a bigger chance.

"Hi! Are you here for the auditions? What's your name, let's see. Hmmm, oh, you're quite early! There's still a good hour before your turn. You can fill up this form and chill around till I call ya!" The stage manager faked her excitement very well till the point she handed me the form, and then resumed her whining to her assistant about how long she had been sitting on her desk collecting forms.

This standard protocol was only applicable to me because the rest of the actors and actresses (majoring in fine arts) merely swooped in, exchanged some hugs and old stories with the stage manager and went straight for the auditions with an unearthly confidence while I paced the hallway up and down in sweat, waiting for my turn, and simultaneously wishing I should have been anywhere but there. In my second trip to the bathroom, I decided to stay a bit longer, lured by the solace that it offered and the huge dressing mirror that demanded a final practice before the one in half an hour. I rehearsed the monologues in hushed voices, carefully watching my movement and that of the door lest anyone should walk in by chance and discover me in a theatrical pose sufficiently comical for their next day's gossip about an Indian.

When I entered the auditorium, I found the judge occupying a central place amidst the massive seating capacity,

"Fear not, you'll not die here today!" She could sense the shadow of nervousness that had fallen on my face upon viewing the grandness of the stage.

"I see, you're willing to do any role, hmmm," she continued to make comments as she read the form I handed her, "and this is one of your first times, not a lot of experience, hmmm, well I'd have you read the two monologues that you've prepared, and you can climb up the stage and begin whenever you're ready."

I acted. Slipped up a word in one of them, and then to make it worse, I corrected it by saying the word that was supposed to be in the phrase; perhaps I should have just better gone along with what I said first. But, a certain phrase did invoke a chuckle out of my dear judge which greatly cheered me. I finished and we read out loud a dialogue together, in which I think I did merely okay and not very great as compared to her. My practiced monologues were better. And in the end, when we thanked each other for our times, she said something that made my day,

"You know, it takes a LOT of courage when its your initial trials, and it's good for you, good for you..."

While leaving I asked the stage manager about the statistics of participation and selection.

"About 75% of people trying in would eventually be given some kind of role, it's a huge play."

I had missed my last bus, it was late in night as I took the cold, lonely 3km stretch of a road to my apartment by foot. A single thought invaded my mind, If I don't make into this, I better not fool around anymore. My rejection would mean that there's something seriously lacking in my ability to be on stage in this foreign land. And I was partially convinced that I'd be rejected and why not, when the experience column in my sign up form is often empty. Walking alone in the night, I felt dejected and lost. Nobody misses me or ever did, I mouthed. I tried to thumbs up to the vehicles scurrying along the road in the hope of a lift on that chilly night but nobody paid attention, and it only worsened my state of mind.

When I keyed in to my apartment, dragging those heavy legs to my room, I galloped a glass of milk on the way; undressed myself and crashed straight into the welcoming bed. How long I lied still I can't remember but soon my hand crawled out of the bed, searching for the laptop. Plugging it on, I turned to the only thing that mattered to me in life. The only thing that made me happy, and content, and joyful. And thus, I began to write this post.

EDIT: I got the results and as usual I'm not selected :| This is like the deepest depressing moments in recent months, not to say this massive breakup I've been going through. Hope by next week I'd have got something cheerful to talk about, but I doubt so.

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Current Book: "The Call of Cthullu and Other Weird Stories" by H.P. Lovecraft (No time to read :(

Current Music: "Brendon's Death Song" by RHCP (Best!)

Why Editors are Gay?

2011-08-31T19:49:00.000-07:00

PLEASE PLAY [THIS SONG] IN BACKGROUND AS YOU READ THIS POST TO FEEL THE ESSENCE OF IT.

# Unfortunately we will not be able to use this work for _. We receive many well-written, compelling, stories, but can only take a very limited number due to constraints of space and style. We wish you the best of luck in placing your story elsewhere. Thanks again. Best of luck with this.

# Due to the large number of high quality flash fiction, our decisions were difficult to make. Unfortunately, we will not be able to include _ in issue 7, but we truly appreciate your interest in _. Please feel free to submit again. We are able to accept only 4 to 5 flashers a month.

# Unfortunately, we have decided not to accept it for publication. I wish you the best success in placing your story elsewhere, and hope to see more of your work.

# We appreciate the chance to read your poem. Unfortunately, the piece is not for us. Thanks again. Best of luck with this.

# Sadly, I regret to inform you that we are declining acceptance at this time. We enjoyed the work and found many of the ideas you presented interesting, but we don't feel the story is the best fit for _. Thank you again for sharing your work with us and we wish you the best of luck placing this story in another market.

# Unfortunately, I will be passing on _ this cycle. While I appreciate the opportunity to review it, it just didn't grab my attention as well as some of the other stories I received did. Because my policy is to only accept the stories that will be published for the specific issue I am reading for and not building a back list of stories to be published, I am often forced to reject good stories simply because I don't have enough available slots and other stories just grabbed me more than others. I do hope to see other submissions from you in the future.

# We enjoyed reading it but after careful consideration have decided that we cannot use it at this time. Please feel free to submit other work to us in the future.

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# Congratulations! Guest Editor _ has selected your poem “_” for the Issue X of _ Journal. Take pride in knowing that you are among only twenty writers selected from the hundreds who submitted to this issue.

I am writing to secure the proper rights to publish your poem. But first, a note about payment. [...]

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Current Book: "The Call of Cthullu and Other Weird Stories" by H.P. Lovecraft (Since classes have started my reading would be utterly slow but FYI I'm focusing a bit on Romantic Poetry these days)

Current Music: "Sheran Di Kaum Punjabi" from Speedy Singh

Why Indians are Shy?

2011-08-24T15:07:00.000-07:00

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It was all in vain. I almost decided not to go and turn back for the eleventh time when I finally found myself standing outside the building where the auditions were supposed to be held. The merciless sun forced me to enter inside. There was still a good half hour left before the auditions for a local play would begin but I could already feel my heart constantly trying to burst out of my chest in a rhythmic fashion. After a final visit to the bathroom, I landed in the corridor where presumably other people like me were waiting for their name to be called. (Not exactly other people like me as they were all 'seasoned' art and theater majors and me just a meager engineering major) I was glad that at least, these auditions were held in private in form of 1 on 1 sessions with the director as it saved me from making myself a fool in front of everyone but on the same hand it was bad to not be able to see how others are doing inside that sacred audition room - where your fate was decided in under 5 minutes.

I paced up and down the corridor slightly avoiding the closed group of all the white students, maintaining my own proximity and wondering if I even looked good, in the first place. Shyness dripped like hot sweat from my soul, it could have flooded the floor if it were as real a thing as I imagine it to be inside us Indians among Goray people. Acting would be a secondary thing but first am I even presentable on stage, among those well figured and chisel faced white theater students? What must they be thinking, what's a brownie Asian doing in here? There's still time, perhaps I can turn back, shove the cellphone up my ear and leave the corridor in pretension of attending some important call. Through the corridor, out the door, into the free and lovely sun, away from the fear of auditions and the nervousness that they brought, I wanted to hide.

My name was called and I went in to feel slightly amused at how pleasantly the director shook hands with me, and made the entire atmosphere so comfortable as if I were his holy guest.

"So which year are you?" His eyes quickly scanned the sign up form I handed him immediately upon entering, but before I could answer he had managed to decipher my scribbling, "Oh I see, a graduate student! Engineering, hmm, interesting."

I only nodded and smiled at this welcome reception, and tried to keep my answers as courteous as possible, nearly failing to hide my nervousness.

"So you were selected at the Shakespeare thingsha kshj Shakespeare thing, nice, yeah I heard about it," he continued to make comments and general questions as he read through the form when ultimately, "Allright. I'll have you read this text for me. This is from the short story _ by _, have you read it before?"

"Yes, yes." I nodded in fresh enthusiasm as I had done my homework, and after two silent readings, I read out loud the given three para's, making sure to stress on the clauses and phrases I considered important. Though I screwed up badly the last clause at the end.

The director replied in a broad smile and said those words (which could be generic and perhaps were being said to every other actor that tried but nevertheless they made me write this post)

"That was lovely. Great, lovely."

And when I thanked him for this, he added, "I will decide the cast by tomorrow but if not for this particular production, I highly encourage you to attend more auditions that are coming up this semester. Would you like me to add your email to the emailing list about those?"

"Yes, please, that would be great. I came to know about this by a lucky accident when I glanced at a clipping in a newspaper that was lying at somebody's else desk yesterday. I'm so glad that I got this opportunity."

"Wonderful! I'm not sure if you can take theater classes while being an engineering graduate but I'd definitely recommend you to get involved with us, the theater department, I'm sure we'll have lot of opportunities for you in coming future," he finished and allowed me to leave out of the room, in sort of a trance, through the corridor, out the heavy door and into the smiling sun, and I didn't know why but all the way back I couldn't stop asking myself how beautiful everyone and everything was.

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Now, I am not at all expecting to hear back from them, because I sensed a form rejection there but the good part is I am feeling free, unrestrained from the limits that I had set for myself, and so glad that I did go and auditioned. Because I think I'll have to try, at least a hundred times and perhaps more if I want to succeed. Same goes with all those stories that I send to editors across the globe; I have no other option but to try.

To try, try, try and not feel shy.

And those people who are winning in everything they pursue and getting acceptances where ever they submit themselves or their work, either they are limiting themselves to a too narrow a field or they are the ones who have chosen to play level "easy" in the setup menu of this game of life.

So, are you shy? Or did you try?
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Current Book: "The Call of Cthullu and Other Weird Stories" by H.P. Lovecraft

Current Music: Pink Fluffy Unicorns Dancing in Rainbows

Why Americans keep running all the time?

2011-08-15T13:41:00.000-07:00

Because they are fitness freaks with nothing better to do would have been my natural answer a few months ago, when I used to observe them jogging in the merciless Sun while sitting coolly beside the window of the air conditioned bus, but now I wouldn't say that; this maniac jogging or running at odd times of the day whether it's bright or dark has much more deeper reasons, it gives a rare relief, for when they have ran for a mile and they know their legs won't trot a yard more, they still stagger further in greed, and that's when I believe that relief surges into their nerves, somehow, all the tension that they have been carrying for whole day long is casually forgotten, the sweat that's streaming down their neck and spine behaves as a coolant, the wind that is nowhere to be seen, seems not to blow against their body but instead glides it forward, the world simplifies itself and yields to be conquered, and they loose themselves upon the road, even if that contributes only a few feet in the battle in which they have unleashed their very souls, truly, they morph into some lone warriors pursuing winding and tortuous lanes in search of hidden glory, only if they could carry flaming torches in their hands, more would have joined them, followed them, worshiped them, but I am not going to do that anymore, nor I am going to merely observe or envy them, because, I too, now feel what they have always felt and cherished alone as I too have now begun that daily battle on evening roads, I am now becoming them.

Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.

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Current Book: "To the Lighthouse" by Virginia Woolf (...)

Current Music: "Sweet Disposition" by The Temper Trap