The Thoughts That Cross My Mind

Let's just get this all out there....

2013-01-14T05:16:00.002-08:00

I am writing this because this year I promised myself that I would make 2013 a more positive year where I will focus all my attention and energy onto positive friends, family, work projects, events, ideas, etc. Although a lot of people really dislike hearing that people had a horrible 2012...I really did. I am very blessed in several ways, but if we sum up my year it was a very tough and stressful one. The second half of my year was consumed with my disease and I FINALLY want to fill everyone in on what exactly is going on with me so that I can move forward and stop repeating myself to everyone that finds out about it little by little. I do not want this to be the main focus of my year since there is really nothing I can do about it at this point in time. So...BAM...we'll just tell everyone all at once so we can all focus on the fun stuff.

So basically...before I got married in 2008 I put on 30lbs in one month which was very strange. I went from a size 2 wedding dress to a size 10 in one month. I was humiliated, felt ugly, and was horrified that I had to look like this on my big day. Not to mention the other symptoms that I was feeling. I went to my doctor they tested my thyroid and it's normal. My mom ends up seeing a special on tv about a women suffering from Cushings Disease and how she kept gaining weight etc and one night when I asked her to massage my neck she freaks out because I have big ball on my neck which happens to be one of the symptoms of this disease. It's called a buffalo hump. Great...now I feel like a camel. Haha! I bring this up to my doctor and they test my cortisol levels and they're a little high so he sends me over to an Endocrinologist. (this is a symptom of cushiness) She sees me and at this point I'm not too heavy, but I am 30 to 40 lbs over what I am used to weighing. She tells me to go on a diet. Keep in mind...I had already been particularly healthy with my performance schedule. Work out 5 days a week, 6 hours of dancing and singing on stage in heels 3 nights a week, and not a big person to eat snacks or sweets. I was pissed. Was nobody listening to me???? I was working out when I gained the weight in the first place. Is it normal to gain 30lbs in 1 month??? I don't think so.

So...I went on a diet and nothing happened. Then miraculously in 2010 I started to shed some weight. I was able to lose 25lbs in about a year. Although it felt like a huge relief to be fitting into my pants again (even if they were snug) all the low carb dieting and 10 mile stationary bike rides seemed like a bit much with such small results to show for all of my work. It stayed off for a bit. Then this past summer 2012 I felt some weight creeping back on. I started doing Jillian Michaels 30 day shred. I did it everyday like the program says you are supposed to. I GAINED 10lbs. :( I knew what was coming. I could see little red dots on my upper thighs which only meant that the stretch marks were returning. You see....with my lovely disease my skin doesn't heal correctly and is very thin. I get covered in these beautiful (sarcastic) purple stretch marks that prevents me from wearing swimsuits, dresses, or anything that would show any part of my legs because they're all the way down to my calves. If my cat scratches me even just a light little graze will bleed, scab and then scar as opposed to everyone else who would heal in a week or so. Booring! I went to see my family doctor immediately as I was feeling the same as I was the last time. My face was looking different, (moon face), my hair was falling out again, I had horrible mood swings, only for him to tell me to go on a diet and do a workout his wife does. I wanted to punch him and cry. I demanded to be re-referred back to my Endocrinologist. When I finally saw her we did some more tests and my ACTH levels came back high. The highest range is 65 and mine was in the 300's. This is a huge factor that can point to a ACTH producing hormone. What is ACTH...a hormone our body releases. You can google it. ACTH tumors are either caused by a brain tumor or an adrenal tumor. This past year I have been poked more than ever, I have seen my doctor several times, spent a ton of money because I don't have health insurance, and I have felt so alone. 2012 really showed me who my friends are and I can tell you that maybe 2 of my friends have taken the time to ask how I've been and I was able to share this with them. A family member even called me an attention seeker and drama queen for bringing this up. I don't know how that could be when hardly anyone knows what's going on, but now you all will and not because I want attention, but because I want everyone to move on to the next subject. I have gained almost 60lbs since July 2012 and YES...I know everyone has noticed. I had not wanted to share this disease with anyone because I don't want anyone to feel like they can pick at my flaws or ask if something with my appearance is part of my disease, because if it is not it will probably be an awkward moment for both you and I. Besides...I don't want people focused on my changing appearance and feel like it's ok to say..."Oh Hayley...i can tell you've gained weight." I already feel uncomfortable enough as it is. I had a brain MRI in November which was so scary because I am very claustrophobic. My pituitary gland came back oversized, but had no evidence of a tumor. I was so excited!!! So excited that my doctor cut it short and said that I could have a false negative because the gland is the size of a pea and therefore the tumor would be extremely small making it difficult for an MRI to pick up creating a false negative. You see...the fact that it is borderline oversized indicates a possible tumor. So...with my tests and MRI and gland being oversized she can only come to the conclusion that we need to let this thing grow and hope it makes it's debut on my MRI which will take place later this year. So yes...I have a possible brain tumor and it's out for everyone to know. As you can see..I have to wait a whole year to see if it has grown so there is really no point in dwelling on this disease and wasting time.

My doctor doesn't want to send me in for a sinus sampling as this is a very dangerous procedure. As it is, when and if I get this thing removed it will require brain surgery which in itself is very dangerous. So...she's being considerate and saving me from 2 dangerous surgeries in hopes that Mr. Toomy Tumorsin will decide to grow. Cushings is a very difficult disease to live with. My body hardly has any vitamin D which in turn makes it hard for my body to absorb calcium which can result in osteoporosis. My bones ache all the time. I get hot flashes like a menopausal lady. I have stretch marks everywhere. I feel like a new born baby growing out of clothes every month and my energy levels are zapped. So I truly apologize if I have been a scatter brain in the past 6 months between mixing Scentsy orders up, not filming for my youtube channel, looking tired at gigs, not wanting to go out, or even being rude at times. Shopping for new clothes a size up doesn't make any girl happy...haha add raging hormones from this disease and you've got a recipe for Bitchy! Haha! But, now that we all know what is going on I will open up a question and answer session in the comment section of my FB page below this blog post so we can all get it out of our systems because I really don't want to be talking about this all year. :) I hope you all understand and at this point feel free to ask whatever you want. I will try my best to answer it. You can also subscribe to my youtube channel (Hayley7363) as I have made a few videos about my symptoms etc to help other people who may suspect cushings disease. I have already received a few letters thanking me as there is hardly any content on youtube talking about this disease. PS...for all of you hypocondriacts...if you've gained some weight you DO not have this disease. Haha! It's very rare...only 10-15 people out of every million get this AND if you feel like I've described something familiar feel free to see your doctor. It's been a 4 year journey and it's still going. So..ask your questions or forever hold your peace...well....at least until my next visit. :)

I will never forget

2012-10-01T04:07:00.001-07:00

What can I say? I haven't shared much of my struggles, my life, or pretty much anything with anyone. If I were to quiz the majority of my friends they would know just the basic facts about me. I actually had an acquaintance tell me the other day that he didn't know anything about me until he researched my Facebook and was happy to know that I am a Scentsy consultant, like to cook, etc. I laughed and I told him that no one really knows anything about me except for my family and of course my husband. Well, lately I have been going through some health struggles and I have been keeping it to myself which has stressed me out more than anything. It's been a 4 year battle and it seems like there is no end in sight. I have started to vent about it on my youtube channel which took a lot of consideration on my part. The reason I decided to turn to my channel is because I have viewers from all over the world. If I can help 1 person diagnose themselves or bring awareness to this, then I feel that I will have turned a negative experience into something positive. I'm almost afraid to tell people in my life what is going on because I don't want the focus of certain aspects of this thing to be looked upon because I feel bad enough already. I don't need people pointing out the obvious or possibly pointing things out that perhaps I haven't noticed. People are cruel and mean like that and I've had enough mean things said to me over the past 4 years that I don't think I could possibly take another hit. I want to look like myself again, feel like myself again, and most importantly...act like myself again. I don't like what I see right now. I am not me, but I know that I am in here somewhere. From my face looking completely different and aged, to my hair and nails...everything is a mess.
I am happy that people in my life including my viewers are supportive and that I am learning to embrace what I have to deal with for now. I am just tired of feeling like I'm never going to get the help that I need. I know this is real, my blood work shows that it's real, and my body feels that it's real. I just need someone to be committed enough to help me through this all the way. Changing your body is definitely a luxury and when you can't do it anymore...you quickly realize that. When you have no control over what your body does and doesn't do...it's like being trapped. I feel trapped in this body that I can not fix by myself. Take care of yourselves and don't ever take your health for granted. Take your vitamins and don't be lazy with exercise. This is the part that baffles me. I have always been the type of person to be active and for the most part healthy...and for the past 4 years you would never even know it. One day I will be back to my old self and one day I will thank those of you who have been kind and supportive. I will never forget those of you who have made comments about my appearance and this is includes family. I can't. Although some of you may not even know my situation, it's still unacceptable to pick apart anyones appearance and think it's ok. From asking me after my wedding when I wanted to take pictures if I could still fit into my dress, talk about me at bbq's in front of other people including strangers to me, or point out my flaws to me as if I wasn't a human being, but some painting that was on a wall. I will never forget those of you who have comforted me in my times of need, asked how I have been every single week for the past 4 years, and have text me on days when I was headed to the doctor's. I will never forget.

Do What You Love!!!

2012-07-22T04:16:00.000-07:00

The one question I get all the time is: "How do you do it?" or I get comments like..."I don't know how you do it all." These are people who are referring to my daily lifestyle and work ethics. I thought I'd dedicate my next couple of blogs to work and business since this is a huge part of my life. You know that old saying, "Do something you love and you'll never work a day in your life." Totally true! If you love what you do it will never feel like work. Now, this doesn't mean find something you love and expect for it to happen and just because you love it you don't have to put any work into it. That would be taking things to literally and of course would do nothing for you in the long run. Time flies when you're having fun and when you love your job it never feels like you're actually working.
With all of that in mind, I am a HUGE believer that you can make anything into a business. ANYTHING! Sit down, get a pen and paper, and rack your brain. What do you love to do? What makes you tick? What are you good at? Now think of a way to make this lucrative for you. Get creative! In my case, I've always loved to sing and entertain, I love writing, make-up, home fragrance, candles, jewelry, animals etc. How did I turn these into businesses??? I now have a DJ/Karaoke business, I am partnered with a network on Youtube where I can showcase my love of everything beauty and get paid for it, write a blog (like this one) and earn a little extra cash, and I am also an Independent Scentsy Consultant which is a Wickless Candle company! This isn't "it" for me because I can only grow from here. Research your loves and you'd be surprised at what you'll find available to you. My biggest advice is to NOT look down on Independent Sales. Do you like to cook? Try being a Pampered Chef consultant. Love makeup? There's Mary Kay, Avon, Beauti Control etc. Most people will roll their eyes when they find out their friend has become a Mary Kay consultant or a consultant for any other company. While those people are busy rolling their eyes these Independent Sales Consultant's are driving new cars, taking trips that their business paid for, receiving incentive gifts for a job well done etc. Many of these men and women are millionaires or are making 3 figures doing what they love because they never quit!
Keep in mind that every business big, small, or independent all take time to grow. I'm not saying...find what you love and expect a ton of money right away. I'm saying find what you love and the effort comes naturally. People will see that you are genuinely enthusiastic and passionate about what you're doing and over time it becomes contagious. People want to help and support your plans. It's amazing! Eventually it will become successful. The hard part is not giving up. When I first started Youtube it was a hobby. At this point I am now in the marketing business. I receive beauty products worth $2-$200 or more to try out for FREE and if I like them I'll speak about the business and products in my videos. I am also able to buy a nice goodie or an awesome dinner for my husband and I with the pay I receive every month. My YT biz is only growing and some of the women on YT are making a complete living off of their very own brand because they never gave up which inspires me to keep doing what I love. When I started my DJ karaoke business I was working under a friend who would send me out on gigs when he needed me. It was extra cash at that point. Now this is my bread and butter and primary job. I can work as many times a week as I want to or as little as I want to. The choice is mine. But, I had to build clientele, my reputation, and my business. It took 2 years for this to become a steady income, but my efforts have literally paid off. Last but not least my Scentsy business. I have been doing this for about 10 months and at this point I can feel the pace steadily picking up. As someone who has worked in retail I know that their are slow months and busy months. The key is to keep going. This is also the same concept as my DJ business. I had to build a loyal customer base and my reputation with this company. At this point with this business I am able to purchase a nice substantial item for my home, pay a few bills, or have a quick weekend get away with the pay and I have a team under me. Again...I will keep on pushing. Understand that when something is making you money it is your responsibility to keep the ball rolling. Things will only keep getting better if you keep pushing forward. Patience is the ultimate key. In my future blogs I will talk about my time management, how to have successful businesses, building a business, etc. I am not a professional by any means, but I feel I do pretty well for myself. I am a confident woman with 3 businesses to run, a household to tend to and a husband to love and I feel like I've always been pretty good at the juggling act. If you all have any suggestions that you'd like my opinion on as far as business feel free to post a comment. :)
<3
Hayley

4 years....

2012-07-10T05:37:00.001-07:00

As a lot of you know I just recently celebrated my 4 year wedding anniversary with my husband. I always get excited when we reach another year because it's such an accomplishment. I was thinking about when we first got engaged and married and reflecting on how much we've grown. Marriage isn't always a "good" time or fun and it's definitely not easy. It takes work and dedication and a lot of teamwork.
When my husband and I first got engaged we moved into together 6 months before our wedding. The last thing I wanted to do was move in right after getting married. This was all brand new to me. I had never lived outside of my parents house before, so besides paying for car insurance and my cell phone bill I hadn't payed any major bills before. I wanted to have everything prepared before the big day. When we were looking for a place to live we got lucky in finding our townhouse. The rent is awesome and it's bigger than your average apartment especially for the price. We literally combined our furniture that we had in both of our bedrooms at home to create our new home together. We had dollar general bathroom rugs and Dollar Tree shower curtains and rings. We couldn't afford anything. Haha! We were so grateful when my mother-in-law offered to give us her dining room table and some couches and when my parents bought us a microwave and gave us some dishes and silverware. So we had enough furniture to furnish our entire house...maybe not to our liking, but enough to have something in every room which was awesome. Dollar store bathrooms, hand me down living room furniture, and mismatched bedrooms! We were still happy regardless. :)
We had both of our tv's which were basically the old box 20 inch tvs and we had one on our dresser set up with a dvd player so we could watch movies. We didn't have internet or cable for about 6 months after getting married! We're super independent and wanted to stabilize everything on our own. We were sharing one car (my old taurus) and just our luck the air conditioner went out in it and during summer none the less. Not even 3 months after getting married we both lost our jobs because the place we worked at decided to shut it's doors and we were both blessed to find jobs 6 days after. I worked retail basically getting paid nothing, but something was better than nothing. I hated my job. I was so depressed and what was worse, my husband worked nights and I worked days. Sharing one car with opposite schedules completely wore us out. So let's take some inventory...We lose our jobs, gain new ones, have separate schedules, exhaustion, no cable or internet, car without air, and working at a job I hated. Fast forward to year 2 and our car totally shits out on us. We had to get a car and get it fast. We had $500 to put down on a car and we got a good deal on a nice vehicle...then my husband gets rear ended.
Here's where the blessings begin. Our insurance covers the entire car as a loss and we get a nice amount of $$$ back and get an even newer car! During this time I was feeling depressed and sick (same thing I'm dealing with now) and have to take some time off from work. They phase me out of the schedule! Basically I was fired without even knowing it. One of my best friends asks me to work with him and help him expand his DJ/Karaoke business. I started off doing small gigs with him and getting paid until he tells us that if we really want to make money we all needed to find our own gigs and charge our own prices and basically run our own business off of his. My husband was promoted to an assistant manager where he worked. I began doing beauty Youtube videos off of a suggestion from my friend as a hobby. All of these good things became a domino effect.
At this current time my husband has 2 jobs (by choice) that he does well with, we have 2 vehicles with air..lol, I have a successful business under my friends business where I am lucky to get to do what I love. My Youtube channel became a business where I get paid to make my videos and get sent all sorts of beauty products from companies that I get to review! I joined Scentsy almost a year ago and that business is steadily growing and my husband is definitely a huge helping hand with that when I need orders delivered. We landed on our feet and of course we are slowly updating all of our furniture and rooms little by little and getting things the way we want it to look. I'm not bragging in any way or saying we have it all, I'm just happy with what we're building and becoming.We've had hard times, bad times, and even sad moments...but when I reflect on everything we've accomplished TOGETHER in the past 4 years it makes me proud of the team we're becoming and happy that we're still walking hand in hand as we face all of these challenges. My point of this blog is that marriage definitely has its ups and downs like everyone says it does. But, if you hold on and push one another to grow those downs will seem to diminish over time with all the ups and the things that you've always imagined can begin to happen. All it takes is a little teamwork and effort. So..I am excited at reaching another milestone and amazed at how far we've come and can't wait to see what the future has in store for us. :)
<3
Hayley

Positive thoughts

2012-06-25T04:03:00.001-07:00

I feel like I have so much to be thankful for and I try to remind myself of this everyday. I had a slip up in life today. Somehow I got involved in a bit of drama by simply being a good friend to someone else. Someone had an issue with it and I think there was some misplaced feelings and I some how became a target in a mini war. It put me in a negative mood all day. I am a busy girl and a bit of a lone ranger even though I have my husband. I work alone at a table (I love my job), I am home alone frequently, I shop alone, I eat alone, I workout alone....etc. I am alone a lot. I don't mind it though because when my husband and I have our time together we make up for all the missed time that our work week creates. I find it almost impossible to have drama in my life since I simply have no time for it at all. So...with today's issue I couldn't believe that I allowed myself to feel negative. I am practicing positive thinking. I am doing it now more than ever and I think todays random event was just a test. I feel as if it was a way of distracting me from my positive thoughts and I had to work really hard to switch my thoughts around today, but I did it. I think looking around at our homes and the things we own whether big or small should make us feel blessed. Concentrating on our food and appreciating a meal is a definite way to feel positive. Writing in a journal, reading, praying, organizing (for me...haha), thinking about our successes, a bath, or talking to a good friend are all ways to switch your thoughts around. So...Today I came home and organized a few things. I love to do it because I am able to take the time to look at my belongings and remember where I got them and I get filled with a grateful feeling. Anyways...The point of this blog today is to remind you that no matter what random situations come up that can put you in a negative place, you have the power to get back to a place of positivity. :)
<3
Hayley

My journey to becoming a performer/entertainer

2012-06-20T05:21:00.003-07:00

Being a performer/entertainer has it's perks. It's fun, it's something I'm passionate about, I make money doing what I love, good pay, and I meet new people all the time. A lot of people will say my job is "easy." But, this is the judging the book by the cover syndrome. The downfalls of my job are stress, worries about catching a cold (because you can't sing or talk), having to be up late hours all the time, smoky atmospheres, drunk people, drunk RUDE people, added stress of making sure an entire building is enjoying their time (your the host!) and not knowing if I will still have my job the next week. As an entertainer who is self employed you never know what will happen the next week. Prime example...I sang at an establishment for 5 years which we will talk about in a bit and it closed down from one day to the next! Will a business change their mind? Will they want to go a different direction? This is stressful. You can never get too comfortable in one place.

My journey as an entertainer had been a long one and I've definitely paid my dues. I have been slandered, hated on, fake friended, discriminated against, and stalked because of what I choose to do with my life. I had always been interested in singing and I was always interested in singing for people. My dad bought me my first karaoke machine when I was 9 years old and the first karaoke song I learned was Crazy by Patsy Cline. I would sing in my garage by myself or in my closet and would pray that someday I would be able to do it for people. As I got older and the choir years approached in middle school and high school I began to try out for solos. I would make every solo in jr. high! I was so excited to get to go up to the microphone and sing. When I reached high school I had a new choir director who's daughter was in our class. He was the prime example of someone who used favoritism. There was one time my friend Diana and I decided we wanted to join an exclusive show choir at our school and we were instructed to pick any song of our liking and we would have to audition. We chose a duet with Celine Dion and Barbara Streisand. We practiced this ALL summer long and every chance we got. When school started our senior year we went in during our lunch hour to audition and literally knocked this song out of the park. All of our hard work and dedication had paid off! No one wanted to try out after us because we had done so well. In the back of the room stood the choir directors daughter with her arms crossed and her eyes filled with jealousy. We didn't make the show choir. We were crushed because we knew we were good.

I started to develop a horrible case of stage fright because he constantly rejected me for every show, solo opportunity, etc. I began to believe that I really was bad. But then I remembered all the solos I got in jr. high and realized that this guy was just not going to let me in because of his daughter and the favoritism of her and all of her friends. I knew this because there were many awesome singers who had been rejected by this man along with myself. His loss! Funny how most of these kids were white too. Hmmm... Anywho, I decided to start going to karaoke with my friend Mark! He would host in a coffee shop next to the place I now do most of my gigs at! I would go out alone and sing Christina Aguilera and Britney Spears songs. Then my high school girlfriends starting joining me and it became so much fun. For 5 years (age 16-21) I would get a horrible burning feeling in my stomach when it was my turn to sing. Every time I would sing a note that feeling would go away and when I would have to pause during the song that burning feeling came back. My stage fright was the worst! But, I never let anyone know it. By age 19 I had already known Mark for about 3 years at this point. I became seasoned in karaoke contests. I would go out to bars alone and sing my little heart out and win! It wasn't always a win, but when I would even come close I knew I was on the right track.

Mark told me about a place called Graham Central Station. I had been there a few times and saw one of my girlfriends performing along with some entertainers and was mesmerized. He told me that they were holding auditions. I was soooo excited! This was in May of 03. He came back later and told me that most of the entertainers were downing the idea of me trying out. So...I gave up and said forget it. Then by August of 03 I changed my mind and decided to give it a try. I went in for an audition and sang with all of my heart. It was the only thing that I felt that I was good at and I needed to prove it to myself. I got hired that same day even though my Mom was totally against me working at a club...much less a place that had 7-8 clubs under one roof! I auditioned in secret and when I made it she was so proud that she didn't mind me working there anymore. I was a singer!!! I sang in a place that held almost 4.000 people and when I started it was packed to the brim. Everyday driving to work when I saw that sign I would get anxiety. I never ever let my audience know how nervous I was. I walked in like I owned the place. Through all of my years of performing and stage fright I never told anyone how nervous I was or how scared I was. No way! People smell your fear and telling everyone you're nervous only makes your nerves worse. I learned quickly that it was either fake it or fall apart. Just as I started to believe I was bad because of my choir teacher I started to believe I was awesome because of my "fake" confidence. That pretend confidence grew into real confidence and here I am years later running my own gigs thanks to Mark who I've now known for 13 years! My point being....had I given up in August of 03 because of what people thought or given up because my choir teacher rejected me I would have never had the opportunity to model for local magazines, win several trophies at Borderfest, and be nominated for The Girls that Rock the Valley etc! I got numerous opportunities and paid jobs just by simply putting myself out there! I would had never had the opportunity to meet and get to work with all of the talented people I did at GCS. I never took one single day of performing for granted and rarely missed work because I knew this opportunity wouldn't last forever.

The girls were mean to me when I started Graham, I have lost contests to people who didn't deserve to win, had rumors spread about me, have had both my engagement and marriage picked apart, been on stage for hours because of corporate people in the building, had people come up to my face and let me know I've gained weight, been hated on because I've won a contest, gotten discriminated against at contests because I sing for a living, been made out to be a horrible person because I work in bars, and lost relationships. I NEVER gave up! So...when people say my job is "easy" they don't know the half of it. Haha! If being an entertainer is something you're interested in then you have to expect all of these things to come with the territory. You have to understand that you win some and lose some. You have to endure and get a thick skin. This is not the business for the weak! You have to know that things will not always go your way. But, most of all you have to understand that this is fun. If you lose the fun and you can't have fun doing it..then there's no point. So...when I say I've paid my dues...It means that I've endured, experienced, and have done this for 13 years! Just thought I'd throw my story out there for you all that need a little inspiration. :)

Hayley

Level 2 Review of Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred

2012-06-12T02:02:00.003-07:00

So today I finished level 2 of Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred! I will give you all a little overview of my experiences with it. I heard and read a lot of reviews stating that level 2 felt a lot easier than level 1. I have to disagree with that. I felt like the workout was definitely tougher and took some getting used to. From walking pushups, tougher cardio moves, etc I had to stop quite a bit more to catch my breath. Remember I told you that there are two girls in the back of Jillian that you can follow? Natalie is the girl who does the unmodified version of the workout and Anita is the one who does the modified version and is the one I'm following for this round. In this specific level you can tell that Natalie is having a super difficult time delivering the moves correctly and her form is a little sloppy which is a little scary for me being that I'm doing the unmodified version the next round. Haha! All I can think is...if this girl can't do it and she was hand selected for this video..what's a girl like me going to look like? lol! I'll give it my best shot when the time comes though. :)

In level 2 I felt like we concentrated on back, shoulders, and abs a lot more than we did in level one. Be prepared to have a sore upper back. I will say that some of the moves did get easier and some of them I still wasn't able to fully complete by day 10 of this level. My abs were sore the entire 10 days of this level which I liked. I did not skip a single day in level 1, but did skip two days during level 2 meaning I stayed with this level for 12 days as opposed to 10. I skipped due to "lady cramps" and another day because I really was out of time and would've been late to work. Bummer. But, all and all I am proud that I made through another level and will be approaching level 3 tomorrow.

I did take before pictures, but I'm still debating if I'll post them on here after the first round. Maybe after the second round when I'm feeling a little more confident. ;) As far as my measurements and weight go...I have gained a total of 5 lbs while doing this work out. My husband insists that it's muscle building, so we'll see. I will mention that he did say my booty is looking smaller and perkier which is fabulous! Haha! I lost another half an inch off my arms and that is pretty much all that budged this time around. I am not discouraged because as I mentioned before I was on "lady time" and I tend to retain a lot of water so I'm sure my measurements weren't precise.

I am happy to see my arms slimming out and I did try on a few blouses and could see that my lovely back fat wasn't as visible. Haha! My stomach is slimming down a bit and my muffin top isn't as big as it was. I'm feeling stronger and healthier which is always a plus. I can't wait to finish level 3 to get my final 30 day challenge results. Then it's on to round 2 of the 30 day shred. If you all are interested in doing this challenge you can find this workout video on Amazon.com for about 5 bucks!

Hayley

Stress and Prayer

2012-06-07T03:39:00.001-07:00

I have been having a TON of nightmares lately. I'm not even sure why. I have been dreaming about people from my past that I haven't thought about in weeks, months, or even years that have stressed me out at some point in my life. I'm dreaming that I'm beating people up or telling them off. I'm the type of individual that it's always go go go time. Friends and acquaintances always make comments about my life style. They always ask..."How do you do it? Do you ever give yourself a chance to relax?" The honest truth is 90% of the time no. I feel like if I'm awake, I should be productive whether it be editing a video, cleaning my home, making time for important people in my life, organizing something, working, getting ready for work, etc. I rarely make time for a moment to just sit and relax and when I do it's usually at night before bed. So...when I stress out I don't even realize it! Haha! I swear my poor little stomach gets the shit end of the stick. I'll wake up with it feeling like it's on fire because I've had an anxiety attack in my sleep. With that in mind, I think I need a break of some sort. I've been doing a lot of thinking about friendships, work, and what I want out of life. I'm being extremely honest with myself. We can all tend to sugar coat our futures, friendships, and what we want all to not sound greedy or to please other people. The truth is I want MORE and I'm willing to work for it.
I want friends who know what's going on in my life because they are close with me and not because of my Facebook posts. I have prayed that God will reveal these friends to me and it's coming along. People who I thought were friends don't even call me and those who I thought were acquaintances are taking an interest in what I'm doing. It's the craziest thing. Now a days we base our friendship statuses off of Facebook and I want good old fashioned friendships. Real friendships. Solid 2 way street friendships. What do I want for my future? Security, love, and happiness. I want nice things and I want a lot of money. I want a stable marriage and I want to be surrounded by people who love me and that I love back. I'm not at all being greedy. I am willing to work hard for all of these things and I want it because I want to have a child someday and I want him/her to feel secure. I want my step-daughters to feels secure and I want my husband and myself to feel secure. Money isn't everything, but it sure will provide a nice roof over my head, a car that won't give me problems, and a solid future for myself and my family. I want to be able to share what I have with others someday. People may judge me for this...but this is why I say I am being honest with myself. I don't care who judges me for the things I want. I want nice things in my life and I don't ever expect them to come for free. I love nice things and I intend on having them. I want to travel and be able to take care of my parents some day should I have to.
Most people are afraid to express what they want out of life because so many people are standing in line ready to place judgement on them. Some people will take what they can get because they are not aware that they are capable of receiving more. We all have the capacity to fulfill our dreams. We all have the option to have a limitless future. The question is: How far are we willing to go to get it? I am willing to jump every hurdle and exhaust myself to reach the goals that I provide for myself as long as I reach that finish line. I won't give up and I will always try to have a positive outlook on what lies ahead of me. Prayer is definitely the key. I can't tell you how many prayers have been answered for me in the past few months. Everyday I am amazed at something that I either hear, see, or learn because of my prayers. I can't even begin to tell you how my path in life has changed for the better simply because of books! YES...books ladies and gentlemen. I believe God puts knowledge in your path to help you and boy have they helped me. Yes I want more. Yes I'll always want more. Does this make me greedy? No. This makes me a living being. When we want more we can get more. When want for nothing...we will get nothing. God says ask and you shall receive and I intend to do just that. I should be allowed to ask the only person that I fully trust with 100% of my heart for all of my desires and know that he will put me on the path to get there. So...what are you waiting for? Ask away.
<3
Hayley

Jillian Micheals 30 Day shred level 2 update

2012-06-02T02:58:00.000-07:00

So....Jillian's Micheal's 30 Day shred Level 2. Yea. This shit is kicking my ass. Haha! I had a friend tell me that level 2 was easier for her and I saw a few reviews with people saying the same thing. No way! It's even tougher than the first level and I am pouring sweat. I have never been a heavy sweater when I work out, but this has me drenched and I love it. I feel new muscles getting sore and tomorrow will be day 13 on this challenge. I like that my cardio endurance is better and that I physically feel stronger. If you are approaching level 2 of this workout...get ready to work abs, arms, and back. I felt that in level 1 we worked a lot of legs, shoulders, and chest. I am sore in a new way. Not in that horrible bad mood don't touch me way. Haha! Can't wait to finish up the next 8 days and take my new measurements. I forgot to mention in my last blog that I lost an entire cup size from my bra after finishing level 1. :( My booty feels bigger and boobies are deflating. lol! Keep on working it!
<3
Hayley

Level 1 Review of Jillian Micheal's 30 Day Shred!

2012-05-31T04:36:00.004-07:00

Let's talk about Level 1 of Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred and my personal experiences with it. First off...I took all of my measurements because I've read that with this workout you will see a lot of inches lost which means you are gaining lean muscle and losing fat. The scale will more than likely not measure your progress as well as the tape measurer will. I will be measuring myself after I complete each level. I just finished level 1 yesterday and will begin level 2 this evening. On the first day of popping in this dvd I was very positive that I was going to have a great experience since each level is under 30 minutes. I began to work out and decided to take the modified approach since I've just started working out again. I thought I was going to DIE!!! lol! I was huffing and puffing, stopping every few seconds to drink water, sweating like a banchi, and was waiting for the cool down session to approach. Afterwards I felt a bit shaky and going up and down my stairs for the next few days was definitely no treat. I trekked on to day 2 and I was soooo sore. Muscles I didn't even know I had were in pain! I pushed through the workout thinking..."If I can get through this my soreness will ease up." I was so wrong! I'm not trying to discourage you in any way, but this workout takes some will power. Jillian literally kicks your ass for the short amount of time that she has you. Haha! On day 3 I was in the worst of moods. I didn't want to be touched, I felt sick, sore, and pissed off. Did I quit??? Hell no! I kept going! By day 4 I felt better and started to notice that my endurance was increasing. I was stopping less than I was before and felt great and motivated.
From day 5 and on I couldn't wait to be done with this level because I was sick of listening to Jillian say the same things over and over which motivated me even more to not skip a day. I literally wished at times that I could throw my hand weight at the tv screen. Lmao! Yesterday I finished with day 10 of level 1 and will now be moving on to day 2. Hooray! By day 9 and 10 I was able to make it through the workout without stopping except for a quick sip of water. I'm feeling awesome!!! I have noticed that I have been a lot hungrier lately, but when I eat my appetite is smaller which is odd. I did expect to be hungrier since I am more active.
As I mentioned before I will be taking my measurements after each level is completed and I did so yesterday. To my amazement I gained 2lbs! I read on-line that when you workout when you've been sedentary and you begin to lose weight, your body reacts by retaining some water. Your muscles get tears in them since they are being worked out and the water retention is a defense mechanism to repair our muscles and to also take place of the lost fat. There is something called a "whoosh" effect that happens 2-3 weeks into working out or dieting where you suddenly lose water weight and the scale drops because your body realizes that fat will not be restored and it's fine to let go of the liquid. So...I wasn't to discouraged by the weight gain since we all know muscle weighs more than fat. I did notice that my jeans have begun to feel tighter in the butt and leg area. I'm assuming...A. because of the water retention and B. because I'm gaining muscle. Anyways...I'm not brave enough to post my exact measurements quite yet because I want to reach my personal goals, but I have lost inches!
I have lost 1/2 inch on both of my arms, 1 inch from under my bust, 1 inch from my waist, 1/2 inch from my lower stomach, 1/2 inch from my hips, and a 1/2 inch from my mid thighs. The only things that haven't budged yet are my calfs and upper thighs. In total I have lost 4 1/2 inches on my entire body in just 10 days so I'm really proud of myself and excited. For level two I expect to see better results as I am hoping to release this water weight from my body. My legs feel a lot firmer and my booty is feeling lifted. I am also able to push through the ab workouts and push ups. They're still hard, but I can do them without stopping! I am so excited to approach level 2 with some motivation! If you have done the 30 day shred or are doing it...please comment below with your experiences! I'd love to hear about them. :)
<3
Hayley

Introduction to Jillian Micheal's 30 Day Shred Challenge!

2012-05-31T04:08:00.001-07:00

This summer I will be heading to Vegas for a Scentsy convention! Yay! Not only will I be able to meet a few of my Youtube friends, but I'll also get to meet a lot of people on my Scentsy team in person. I'm so excited! We will be flying out on July 24th. With that in mind...summer is right around the corner. I live close to a beach and we're planning to spend a lot of time out there so I decided it was time to get in shape. I recently quit my birth control patch and started gaining weight rapidly the way I did the previous time before when I quit. I gained 10lbs in 1 month!!! Since I'm only 4'11 the weight has no where to go but out. I was feeling frumpy and very sedentary. I was used to being very active when I was performing onstage.(singer) I decided to bust out one of my old DVD's called Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred. I bought it off of Amazon when I first got married for $4! You can easily find this at Wal-mart now a days for around $10. This is the workout program I will be reviewing for you and I will also post a video about it on my youtube beauty channel with my final thoughts once I've completed the whole program.
This DVD says that you can lose up to 20lbs in 30 days. On average, I've seen people lose around 8lbs of fat which doesn't sound like a lot, but they look amazing! (google this dvd and you'll find a ton of before and after images.) That is pure fat lost and of course a lot of muscle gain. This workout comes in 3 different levels and it's basically circuit training. I researched everything I could find on this workout so I could do it right. You're supposed to do this workout for 30 consecutive days. No breaks, no resting, etc. You're supposed to do level 1 for ten days, level 2 for ten days, and then finally level 3 for the remaining 10 days. (I finished level 1 yesterday!) All you need is a workout mat if you're on a hard surface and some hand weights of your choice. The dvd also has 2 women working out behind Jillian. There is one girl who does a modified version of the workouts (which I am doing) and one who is doing a more difficult full on way of doing the workout. The workout is in a 321 format meaning...3 minutes of strength, 2 minutes of cardio, and 1 minute of abs. You have a warm up and a cool down session and the entire workout is LESS than 30 minutes! I have been able to fit this into my busy schedule fairly easily. The other awesome thing about this dvd is if you finish the challenge and you've started with a modified version you can then do it over with heavier weights or by doing the unmodified version to take it to the next level. You can literally get a lot of different workouts from this one dvd.
I will say that this workout definitely takes determination and dedication to reach your goals. I started on May 21st which gives me 2 months to look fab for Vegas and for the beach. I am so excited to see my final results because I've never done something like this before, but my body definitely responds to this kind of training. If you want to know my experience with Level 1 you can read the next blog. For those of you joining the 30 day shred challenge...Good luck!!!
<3
Hayley

2012-05-24T02:35:00.002-07:00

Today was one of those days for me. I was tired, moody, and did I mention tired? Haha! I recently started a new workout routine and I've been exhausted. My body isn't used to this kind of strain anymore. I used to dance on stage (singer) for 6 hours off and on in heels without an issue. This also kept me in shape...AND I was also 19-24 which meant everything was younger. It is sooo not that way anymore. Haha! Anyways...I pushed myself to workout today even though I was pooped and I was really proud of myself. If you all want me to elaborate on what I'm doing as far as workouts feel free to comment and I'll try my best to review what I'm doing through this blog. :) Today was also the first weds. I've had off in over 2 years without being sick. I no longer work weds which means my week has an extra day for something else. I spend the evening with my husband and we went shopping at the outlet malls where we live. I found some killer deals at the CCO (Cosmetic Company Outlet) and was so excited.

When we left the outlets I got to thinking about what I do for a living. I also got to thinking about some of the big beauty gurus on youtube and the amount of hate they receive. (I may be doing a video on that soon.) I just thought to myself how lucky I am to be doing all the wonderful things I do. It's almost like a dream world. That is how thankful I am! I have managed to take so many things that I love and make a living off of them. Most youtube girls always get asked how they make a living when they do a haul. So...How do I make a living? Music, singing, candles, make-up, shopping, chocolate, and teaching. I am one lucky girl!!! When we take things for granted we seem to forget how lucky and blessed we truly are. Sure I could go on and on about how tiring it is to be up at night basically hosting party for everyone, or complain that my guest room has turned into a room that functions as an office, filming studio and of course a bed. But, I am happy with everything! I am happy with what I've done and how I've done it. In the past month...thinking positive has really brought positive results my way. Removing negative people has brought positive results as well. When I'm working...I am doing just that...Working. I read in my book the other day about a woman who makes a decent amount of money at her job. She explained that she had a friend who also works where she works, but is envious because she doesn't see the same results as she does as far as money. The woman went on to explain that her friend spends all of her time emailing funny jokes to people while she is at work. We can't expect the same results as someone else when we are putting in half of the work was her point. I fully agree. We can not expect success if we only want to put in half of the effort to get there.

But, any who..to get back on topic...I am so happy for all the effort I have put into my household and businesses and even though it's taken a lot of time to get the ball rolling on everything it's definitely rolling. I feel like I'm in a good place right now. I love singing for crowds, playing music to keep the party going, reviewing cosmetics, teaching my viewers about different things, being a part of Scentsy (the most positive business I know) and now Velata. I pray that everyone can feel as peaceful as I do right now and I pray that things can keep going up from here.

I tend to get scared when I reach points of success, but I am thinking positive and telling myself that I haven't even gotten to the peak yet. I just need to keep climbing that mountain. I have so much more in store for this year. I just wanted to share because if there are things that you all are dying to do or want...it takes work. All of these things didn't just "fall into place." I made them happen. I put the elbow grease into them and you can do the same for whatever goals you have for yourself. :) I believe you can!

Hayley

Focus

2012-05-22T01:52:00.001-07:00

Today I picked up one of my favorite tabloid magazines that I bought over 2 weeks ago and forgot about. While I was reading I realized that I am so behind on my favorite celebrities. Jessica Simpson had her baby...Beyonce's lost her baby weight, Drew Barrymore is pregos, Miley is scary skinny, and Brad and Angelina got engaged. WTF? Normally every week I would go out and buy my 2 favorite magazines and read them the first day I got them. I'm not upset to be so behind. I'm just so shocked at how little I cared and how uninterested I felt while reading all of this. My books have replaced my magazines and my books have given me so much knowledge that I could care less about what else is going on around me. I say this because the books I've been reading have been spiritual, self help, or business oriented books. Since reading these I feel like things have been happening for me. My businesses are improving, my way of thinking is changing, and I'm feeling so much more positive. Normally when someone would give me the details of some scandal happening where I work (example) or with someone I don't even know, it would be interesting to me. I would listen and again I was usually the last person to know the latest gossip because I try not poke around in people's business.

As of lately...I feel almost as if any sort of gossip has been a complete turn off for me. I don't care about what other people are doing and I don't care what other people's problems are. For the most part I would listen to people gossip because I am a sympathetic person. I always felt like I had to be there problem solver. Over the past 2 years I have told myself that I can not do that anymore and have been successful at not fighting other people's battles. Therefore I am just a listener and my life has been 75% drama free. It's not that I don't want to listen to people's "personal" problems, I just don't want to listen to them talk about other people's personal issues. Who cares? I see people go on and on every single day on Facebook about what other people post and how much they hate it, make fun of people, etc and all I can think is...why are these people so concerned and feel the need to talk about what other people do? Obviously if we have to sit and talk about other people's lives then we don't have one of our own. I feel like I'm so focused on my goals at the moment that every thing else just seems like a blur. I like it that way. I like giving myself goals and actually reaching them. I like focusing on my businesses, my house hold, my husband, and myself. I've been praying so hard for God to remove people from my life who will distract me from my goals and viola..so many people aren't around as much. I want to surround myself with successful and genuinely happy people. I would rather have one happy, positive and supportive friend any day than have a ton of fake people surround me. All in all I have given myself a new goal. A BIG one and I plan on reaching it. I know God has given me blinders for the moment so I can keep my eyes on the prize.
<3
Hayley

Obsession

2012-05-17T03:09:00.001-07:00

My mind is constantly spinning and swirling with goals and achievements I want to accomplish. It's not a bad thing, but I find that I can't think of anything else other than my goals. It becomes an obsession. I feel like when I'm super focused on what I want, that is when people catch on and start trying to be competitive with me. The thing about this is I've been like this my whole life. People constantly think I'm trying to compete when in fact the only thing in my mind is my goal and not anyone or anything else. All I'm worried about at this point in my life is my household and long term goals. I'm still trying to run my house to the best of my ability while running 4 businesses. I have another idea for another small business that I want to progress on over the next year and this is yet another obsession. Haha! People LOVE to pick on me because of my jobs and what I do for a living. They roll there eyes and say..."All you're doing is playing music, recording tutorials, selling scentsy...ect." Look...I don't sit around saying my jobs are difficult, but I will not make any apologies for what I've chosen to do either. It is not my fault that I was smart and took all of my interests and made them into lucrative businesses is it??? DJing is such a fun job. I <3 music and what I do. But, the flip side is that I am constantly out. It's exhausting. Anyone who parties or is up until 2-4 am 4-5 days a week becomes exhausted. Not only that, but I have been trained to have immaculate hair and make-up for performance which takes me 2 hours to do. Imagine having to host the party and keep people spending money and having fun on top of being up late. That is my job.

My typical day goes something like this: Wake up, check ALL messages (2 facebooks, Youtube, 2 emails, twitter, etc.) respond to all, check Scentsy &Velata workstations, edit a video (1-2 times a week) upload, Respond to scentsy clients, check scentsy/Velata planner, drop husband off at work, set up equipment on some days, come home and EAT, do full on hair and make-up, drive to work, DJ/ karaoke for 4 hours, come home, eat, clean up, play with pets, check more messages, wash makeup off go to bed!

Sunday is my only day where I chill out and allow myself to get away from my obligations. Mondays I clean my entire house top to bottom. In no way am I complaining. I LOVE everything I do and I am blessed. But, I am so sick of people judging my life as if it's the simplest thing in the world when in fact I have to work very hard at everything I do. I would not make money if I did not promote myself in every single thing that I did. Promotion is key to getting any business off of the ground. I am never sure if I will lose one if not all of my DJ gigs in a single day, if I will have happy customers and if I will have viewers on my Youtube channel. These are all jobs that I've taken risks on and choose to keep doing because I believe in myself. I only believe all of these things will keep getting BIGGER and BETTER! So...with all this stress, work, and judgement on my shoulders, I know that God has my back and will help me to succeed in whatever I do. I think everyone should take risks with their creativity and interests and try to make a business out of them. After all..the saying goes..."Do what you love and you'll never work a day in your life."

Hayley

Life Detox

2012-05-13T04:02:00.002-07:00

I am so excited for myself! In the past few months I have really gotten back into reading again. I used to love to read when I was younger and for a while recently I was feeling extremely uneasy about a lot of things. I really wanted to find a way to make myself peaceful since my life is always such a whirlwind. When you work in bars like I do, it can be emotionally and mentally draining because believe it or not you are surrounded by a lot of negative Nancy's for the majority of the time. I thought to myself..."What are the things I used to enjoy doing when I was younger and why aren't I doing some of those things now?" Well...One of them was taking long walks by myself to the park or anywhere else. But, in our world now a days that's almost impossible when you're a woman. It's become a dangerous thing. :/ I kept racking my brain and I used to LOVE to read. I probably stopped because it wasn't the "cool" thing to do. But, I love to read things and learn. I'm more of a self help, inspirational, how to, type of reader. Anything that I can gain knowledge from is something I like to read.

One day I was sitting back getting ready for an event and was flipping through the channels when someone caught my ear. I flipped back and realized that I was on the inspirational channel which I never watch. A Pastor named Mike Murdock was talking. I was instantly enthralled in everything he had to say. He mentioned one of his books at the end of the segment and when I got home that evening I ordered 4 of them! He has so many books to choose from. His way of preaching is so relatable. He really makes you look at things from a different perspective. I just finished reading my 4th book today and since reading his books I feel like my life and way of thinking has changed drastically. He is a Pastor that talks about prosperity, having a better life, blessings, ways to bless others, planting seeds, etc. I swear since reading his books I've had more success with my finances, a more peaceful mind, and a completely different outlook when it comes to work and people. He has really inspired me to want to be better. If I've had a bad day I'll come home and read a little bit of my book and I instantly feel a calm come over me. It's amazing! I want to order more of his books now that I'm done with all of these. I want to learn more! He has so many quotes through out his books that you can live by and use as life mottos. One of them that has really stuck with me is.."What you do for others, God will do for you." If you help others to succeed...God will help you to succeed. If you make others happy...God will make you happy. It's all about having faith. :)

Last but not least..reading these books have made me feel so much more confident. I feel like speaking my mind is the only option lately. It's not a bad thing and I've always been like that, but it's in a different way now. It's almost as if I can turn a negative conversation around just by speaking my mind and asking the questions that most people wouldn't ask. I don't know if that makes any sense...but it is sooo crazy! It's almost like a life detox. Anyways...I highly recommend his books if you are going through a troubled time or simply just want to live a more God like life. I can almost guarantee that this will give you a nice soul and brain detox. Who needs a spa when you can have a life detox in a book :)

Hayley

It's a lonely road to walk

2011-10-23T05:53:00.000-07:00

I always thought that I knew what I wanted from my life. Singing has always been my number one passion. I've always used this gift to reach out to others and make them happy. Whether I sing a song someone has requested, sing a song to get my feeling out and hope someone will relate, or just to pleasure people with the simple enjoyment of music. I used to wish and want so badly to be randomly discovered so I could be somewhere on a huge stage and reach thousands of people. It was never about the money, but I felt that fame could give me a ladder to do bigger and better things for people and charities. As I've gotten older, those thoughts have seemed to escape me a bit. I still love to sing, but I am 3 years shy of 30 and have to get a grip on reality. I had and have other plans besides just singing. My new years resolution for 2010 was to tap into my other creative interests. I followed through with that goal and I'm still striving to get a few more of these interests out from under the water. My New Years resolution for 2011 was to get back into school and I busted my butt to do it. I owed 3,000 dollars to the university I was attending and I was unable to retrieve any of my transcripts or enroll in school for 3 years. Within 6 months of making my resolution, sacrificing shopping, lunches with friends, or anything that was not "needed," I finally paid off my loan. I'm back in school and I have about 6 months left after this semester is over.
I am so proud of myself because through all the distractions and people saying that I would never go back, I knew in the back of my mind that I had goals. Singing has been an extremely fun portion of my life and I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world...not even if it meant I would've graduated at the age of 24 instead of 28. I worked with some of the most talented individuals and I have literally sang my way through college. How many people can say that?
I will say one thing though...trying to reach your goals is a lonely road to walk because you walk it alone. Regardless of friends or family that surround you in the process, you are the only that can get yourself there and it becomes extremely lonely. I've heard a lot of people say that it's lonely at the top and I can understand how that could be true. But, lonely or not I won't let anything stand in the way of my goals. I just gotta keep on moving. Now...I just need to find some inspiration because I'm feeling so drained...lol!

Busy little Bee!

2011-10-14T15:49:00.000-07:00

It's been a little while since I've written because I have been completely busy with a million different things and projects. I guess I should fill you in on some things huh? Let's see....for those of you who are new to my blog I have a karaoke/DJ company that I own with another friend of mine. We work 4 nights a week and with the holidays coming around I've been getting booked for private parties which is always wonderful. Extra money comes in handy around this time of year. I recently became an Independent Scentsy Consultant which I am obsesses with. If you don't know what Scentsy is, you can stop by my website. https://hayley7363.scentsy.us/Home They're wickless candles that I've used for a few years now and I LOVE them! This new venture has not only been extremely positive, but it's also fun! I am also a Mary Kay consultant as well because as we all know I love makeup and really wanted to experiment with their line. Yes...I'm crazy and I have a ton a jobs. I guess you could say I'm a work-a-holic and as you can tell I DON'T like to be told what to do or how to do it, which is why I own all of my businesses. Haha! We can't forget about good old Youtube. I did start that other channel as you all suggested I do. It's been up for about a month and so far so good. I have a really good feeling about it. www.youtube.com/user/Hayleyspeaks I was really excited because I was featured in the latest episode of The Haul this week. The Haul is a style network on Youtube that I signed on with a couple of months ago. I received and email saying they were interested in signing me on and after going through all the contracts I decided to do it. Pretty soon Youtube will have several Networks just like television does...so get ready for that! My world is changing right before my eyes. The harder I work the better things get. Hard work really does pay off. We can't expect to have the things we want by sitting around. You know? We also can't do things for the wrong reasons either. You should love what you do and if you don't, then you need to change something about your life, career etc. Some people feel stuck in their current positions, but I will tell you that there is always a way out. It's all up to our will power to move forward and be a better person than we were yesterday.
Anyways...back to Youtube. I haven't told ANYONE but maybe 1 friend and my family that always asks how I am or what I'm up to about this. (Yes...no one else knows, not even the people I see everyday because they don't ask what's going on with me...haha) I got an email from someone asking me to be a part of a huge project. I thought it was fake at first, but then I got the phone call and realized the opportunity was real! I will have a chance to share a portion of my life with the world! Hopefully my footage will be used in this project, but it's international and it's with a MAJOR television network. I don't want to talk to much about it, but I will reveal all the details once I have everything submitted. Because after that, it will be a waiting game to see if my material will be used. It is just an honor to be asked to be a part of something this huge, but at the same time it's extremely scary because it's dealing with a sensitive subject. It has nothing to do with beauty, but one of my videos definitely made an impact which is why I was contacted. That makes me extremely happy because this is why I do everything I do. I want to make a difference and make people happy. This makes all of my hard work worth while! I promise to give you more details in a few weeks. :)
<3
Hayley

My Imperfect Life

2011-09-12T04:58:00.000-07:00

Never in a million years did I think a Youtube tag could effect so many people. If you don't know what a TAG is, it's basically a video where you answer a questioniare that's extremely random. They're usually made up with fun questions to let your subscribers get to know you a little bit better. I got tagged by the beautiful SamanthaSchuerman from youtube to do the My Imperfect Life Tag. Basically you tell two life struggles you've had and then you talk about 2 positive outcomes for each struggle whether it be a postive life outcome or a personality trait. I was extremely hesitant to do it because I had no idea what to talk about. I thought about for a bit and then just turned the camera on and began talking away. 22 minutes of talking to be exact. I barely edited anything out. I have seen people cry while doing this tag which is amazing. It's like youtube therapy! Haha! It really makes you think about yourself in a more positive light and reflect on your hardships.

All joking aside...this has to be one of the best videos I've made for my channel. I've recieved so many letters from subscribers or people who have found my channel. They've been telling me about their life struggles which may be similiar to mine or very different. I had the idea to make another channel where I would basically answer questions or give advice. I have already recorded videos for it, but I'm debating whether to do it or not. Not to toot my own horn, but I really feel like I have something to offer. I'm an extremely strong individual and I feel like I've been through so much in my life. I feel like this video and the response really validated my instinct to start another channel. I feel like if I can help people with my experiences and mistakes and share them, it might either prevent people from going down the same path or give them comfort to know that they're not alone. I'm just overwhelmed with the positivity and inspiration I have gained from my beauty channel that I want to do more. I started youtube as a hobby and I LOVE makeup and beauty, but this video made it all worth while. I reached people and in everything I do whether it be singing, youtube, teaching...etc. That is always my goal. I want to reach people and make them happy. What do you all think. Yay or nay on a second channel?
<3
Hayley

Because You Never Asked

2011-06-25T06:11:00.000-07:00

I was talking with my husband the other night while we were lying in bed and I had the oddest realization that made me a little sad. I'm not actually sad about it, the thought of it makes me a little sad. I don't know why it came to me, but I just blurted out, "You know...Hardly anyone really knows me. No one ever asks about me or even knows what I do with myself." I think my statement kind of shocked him because he didn't know how to respond. I'm the type of person that people like to sit down and tell all their problems to along with every detail of their lives and they never even ask how I'm doing. I'm the type of person that when I greet someone I always say, "Hi! (Hug) How have you been? or How are you doing?" My husband knows and understands this and gets a little upset at times because he says no one ever listens to me when I need someone to talk to, but they get to use me as their therapists. Of course I have my family and my husband so I'm not really bothered that no one else wants to listen to me on a bad day or when I have great news, but what he says is true. Hmmm...maybe that's why I started wanting to write so I could have an outlet even if no one ever read it. (Maybe???) Does anyone else feel like this? I'm sure I'm not alone in this. You know what everyone and their mothers are going through yet they have no clue how you're feeling. I'm not complaining about listening to people either. Yes it can get old and tedious to hear the same drama over and over, but all in all I feel I have level headed advice to dispense. My life has always been an open book as far as I'm concerned. I have nothing to hide and I'm not ashamed or regretful of anything I've ever done. I see all of my mistakes as learning experiences. My life is an open book for those who ASK. If you ask me something about myself, I'll be more than happy to tell you. Things don't really phase me much and I'm hardly shocked so I guess that's why I'm so unfiltered when it comes to answering questions about myself. In my case, most people only know what they see and the obvious things about me. "She's girly. She sings. She's married." I'm not writing this blog to throw a pity party for myself because I am quite happy in my life. It just really upsets me at times because I've had family tell my mother,"Well...we don't really know her." That's the part of all of this that gets under my skin. I've heard several people throught the grapevine say this about me. Well, they don't know me because they obviously don't care enough to know me. When we as human beings really want to know someone else we make an effort. If we care about someone we want to know their interests, dreams, goals, current events, etc. We want to be in the know because we care. I can tell almost every friend of mine their life stories and I bet not a single one can tell me what my father passed away from. (Not that it matter...It's just an example) There are so many things that I do in my life like youtube, product reviews, blog, going back to school etc that no one knows about because they don't take the time to converse with me and get to know what I'm doing with my life. In reality...I have 4 jobs! Wife, Singer/business owner, Youtube partner, and now blogger which I'm obviously just getting started. I earn money for 3 of those things, so yes they are real jobs! I have to work at them and I do them all because I LOVE them. Things with me are NEVER for money, but I don't like to do things half ass so it's a lot of work. Spare moments are far and few for me. Maybe I am being a little ranty in this blog, but sometimes I get so sick of being drowned in everyone else's pity pools that I deserve a little bitch fest of my own. Haha! Maybe it's my fault. Maybe I surround myself with selfish people or maybe it's better off that I keep all of the details of my life to myself. I'll just stay hush hush. It must be like this for a reason. Who knows? I guess I should just leave it at that and be one of those people who shocks people and when they say..."Why didn't you tell us???" I'll respond with a big smile and say, "Because you never asked."
<3
Hayley

Jealousy

2011-06-21T05:36:00.000-07:00

If you've noticed a little theme in my blogs lately, you're probably right. I've been talking a lot about negativity and negative people and giving you all my point of view on specific topics that deal with it and also how I've eliminated it in my life. I will not always write about this stuff, but I feel a strong urge to do so since I'm always asked for friend and relationship advice. You'll probably read specific stories later on down the road and learn why I think the way I do. Anyways...I want to attack the subject of Jealousy. I don't get it and I probably never will. Well...I do get it, but I don't get why people get jealous when there's nothing for them to be jealous about. Before we talk about that...I want to us to be in our own shoes for a second. Think back and remember a time you've been jealous and think of how you felt. Let's make an example. Your significant other starts up a conversation with someone in a crowded setting. Whether your gay or straight or whatever...just pretend this other person is smoking hot. More than likely you would get jealous. Why? Because you possibly begin to feel inadequate, intimidated, and almost embarrassed that you won't be good enough to even walk up and interrupt this little party. This is called insecurity and insecurity is what makes people jealous. We start to think we don't measure up which leads us to get jealous. Now...if this scenario happens and you don't feel a twinge of jealousy and you walk over there with your hot little self, this is because you are confident, secure, and you know that you have a ton to offer. My point is that people get JEALOUS when they feel threatened. I can tell you that I'm not a jealous person at ALL. Never have been and never will be. But, I have felt it before and I didn't like it. I don't like feeling insecure. I don't really have a lot of advice to disperse on the subject because I have a hard time dealing with people that I feel get jealous of things I do. I'm not saying I'm all that and a bag of chips, but I do know how to spot these people and they always raise a red flag for me because of the lovely job I have. If someone is jealous of you or the successes you have going on in your life, then they obviously don't wish you well. I know that if one of my friends had success and happiness I would be ecstatic for them because I am sure of myself and the life I lead! This can also happen when you have friends with the same interests as you. Like if you work in an advertising company and you've made great friends with a lot of people at work, then you'll basically all be striving for the same things. I've had friends who have stolen opportunities that were offered to me from under my nose and act like it never happened. I've had people turn their noses up at awards I have received. If I post things on Facebook (yes...ridiculous,but this is a way to spot them!) and everyone and their mother loves my happy news or the fact that I've had a great day except for those same "friends", it's obvious they're not excited for me. Especially when you know these people live on Facebook at home or at the office. lol! You know they saw that post! Haha! Watch out for these people because they'll be the first to make a comment on your status if you've had a bad day. Haha! Obvious much? I've even fixed my hair in perfect curls for women to run their dirty fingers through it and destroy my curls as they're telling me how beautiful my hair looks! All in all....jealousy is an awkward emotion for both parties. It's awkward for the person feeling it and awkward for the person picking up on the emotion. I personally wouldn't want to tell someone..."Ummm...are you jealous of me or what?" in fear of looking like a conceited asshole and I wouldn't want to tell someone..."Hi! I'm jealous!" because that would be ridiculous. Like I said at the beginning, I will never understand jealousy and why people can't just celebrate one another and their happy lives. This is something that I'm getting better at ignoring as I get older. It's something that still irritates me especially when someone is jealous over things that they have no interest in. That would be like me being jealous of a painter when I have no desire to create art. You know what I mean? Anyways...The only advice I can give is to practice ignoring jealousy like I am and hopefully the older we get the better we'll be at it. Also remember and know that your a little hottie patattie and hold your head up high so you never have to experience that ugly feeling either. Until then...stay positive and happy!
<3

Hayley

Mannequin Mode

2011-06-20T05:04:00.000-07:00

(My most mannequin like photo...haha!)

Have you ever been depressed? I have. I'm talking clinically zonkered out on meds kind of depressed. I think it's hereditary in my family. My mom suffers from panic attack disorder and I suffer from occasional depression and anxiety disorder. I HATE it. It always seems to catch me off guard. I can be cleaning house and humming a happy tune and all of a sudden an anxiety attack decides to come out to play. It's one of the most uncomfortable feelings you can experience. My depression always sets in when I have a big change going on in my life or there is a lot of negativity surrounding me. I'm not really one of those people who is good with change at all. I wish I was, but I'm a list making routine kind of gal. I'm also really sensitive to other people's emotions (which I'll talk about in another blog) so when there is a lot of negative emotions around me, I am majorly effected. My experiences with depression probably differ from others. I never had suicidal thoughts or tons of crying fits. I just felt completely numb. I'm talking someone could have died and I probably wouldn't have cared kind of numb. The weird thing about depression (at least for me) was that while I was numb to emotions it made me extremely aware of my surroundings. Since I could give two craps less what anyone thought at the time, my world became this place without people judging me. Well, I'm sure people would judge me, but I was to zonkered out to give a shit. Haha! It's really odd. It's almost as if judgement in general is more effective when we take offense to it. Since I didn't care about anything my world seemed to be smooth sailing without all the drama of everyone else's thoughts clouding it up. If people would tell me their problems and stories, I would sit there like a mannequin and not even waste my breath giving them advice that I knew would go in one ear and out the other because I simply didn't care. It was wonderful! I was noticing beauty in a lot of things that I hadn't noticed before because of the world taking my attention away. I'm NOT in any way shape or form trying to glamorize depression at all. It's not fun and it's a serious medical condition. This was just my personal experience. Trust me..I'd rather have a mouth and emotions any day rather than sit there like a lump on a log. But, as I started feeling better that world of not caring about other people's problems and minding my own business stuck with me. It's hard for me to not dispense advice to people because I'm the type of person who is really practical. I like to make people think. I actually think I would be a great therapist! lol! If there's anything I've learned from being depressed, it's how to eliminate drama from my life. Because I was so consumed and taken over with depression, nothing else seemed to matter. Therefore, there wasn't a smidge of drama in my life at that time. So...when I feel like people are getting to heavy for me and involving me in their life problems a little too much I go back to my "depression" mode. Except NOW...I actually enjoy what I'm doing. I'll stay in, do nothing, watch TV, clean a little house and just basically lay low until things clear up. I'll pretty much ignore everyone for a while so they can get their life together and I'll do it on purpose. (I know...it's a little mean) But, in all honesty we can't take on everyone else's problems and make them our own all the time. Especially when they make it a one way street. Have you ever had friends that spill all their beans to you and when it's your chance to vent they detour back to their own life and problems? We've all been there. People like that are selfish. People like me who are always wanting to help have a problem remembering that these problems are NOT MINE!!! Which leads me to my next point. It's nice to listen and it's nice to want to help, but all the chitter chatter of other people's drama can lead you to the path of depression, the blues, confusion, stress or anxiety when there is really no need for you to end up at that destination to begin with because those problems were never yours. Do you get what I'm saying? I think at least twenty five percent of our stress is given to us by other people. They expect us to handle their world for them yet take none or little of the advice that we used our energy dispensing to them. So...I'm here to tell you that it's OK to be a little "mean" like me and go into mannequin mode once in a while to let people solve their own problems. Key word here is "once in a while." We don't have to be mean and ignore people all the time when they begin telling us their problems. That would just be cold hearted. Haha! Sometimes being nice and helpful isn't worth the stress that's going to follow. You won't be a bad friend either. You'll just be simplifying your life so that you're able to create a less stressful environment for yourself and be a better and less stressed out friend later on down the line. :) I mean seriously...how are we supposed to be positive and cute if people keep dumping their crap on us?

Hayley

No assholes ALLOWED!

2011-06-19T05:04:00.000-07:00

I've said once. I've said it twice. I've said it a MILLION times! Our life is what we allow it to be and become. There are circumstances that we can't control in life at times. I understand that. But, for the most part our life is what we ALLOW it to be. Take relationships for example. I constantly hear women complain about their significant others being mean, abusive, jealous, etc. We live in the day and age where we have choices when it comes to who we would and would not like to be in a romantic relationship with. When I hear woman complain over and over again about the same things their significant other is doing that is hurtful it's hard for me to be sympathetic. I'm not cold hearted by any means, but they are ALLOWING this person to remain in their lives and treat them this way. They are basically giving this person permission to use them as a human punching bag everyday that they remain with this person while all the while feeling unhappy. So...How am I supposed to feel sorry for them? They have a choice to stay or to leave. The same goes for friendships. We've all heard stories about men and women who have slept with their best friends girlfriend or boyfriend, ditch the dude or chick, then remain frenemies. The drama is never ending. Do you know why the drama is never ending? Because these people allow these devious people to remain in their lives. The key word here is ALLOW. We are not forced to be in a relationship of any kind with anyone. If your friends an asshole all the time and makes you feel like shit day in and day out...ditch them. If your boyfriend or girlfriend is constantly hurting you emotionally or physically...dump their ass! I say this not to be heartless or mean, but life is so short. Why allow your beautiful life and world to be destroyed by negative beings? Never be afraid to hurt someones feelings if you're thinking of cutting them out of your life because they are destructive with your heart. They will eventually get over it and so will you. That horrible feeling of cutting a negative person out of your life will not last forever. Life will be better and you'll make room for the wonderful people that will come into your life later on. I always tell people, "don't let the negativity in your life block the blessings you're receiving." It's like watching a movie or Broadway show with someone standing in front of you the whole time. You're only seeing bits and pieces while being pissed off because someone is in your way. Same applies to my quote above. If you let people stand in your way of this show we call Life, then you'll only get to enjoy bits and pieces of it. If you clear your path for positivity and love then you'll get to see the entire show clearly, get to know the characters, and of course understand the message. Don't ALLOW people to block your blessings and all the lovely messages that God wants to send your way. :)

People Pleasing

2011-06-17T06:04:00.000-07:00

(I'm on the right end with the microphone!)

Friends we make when we are younger are probably the only people besides our parents and family that really "know" us. As children we carry an innocence and a non judgemental out look on life. We're still learning right from wrong, what's expected of us, and who we should and shouldn't surround ourselves with. I think as children we are sort of unguarded. We're not looking for what someone could do to possibly hurt us. We're wanting to make friends so that they will like us and so we can feel excepted. We are wanting to learn how to be good friends to one another. The big difference between children and adults is if something is bothering us when we are a child, we will fully show our emotions. If a friend hurts our feelings we will either cry or tell them it was mean right in that exact moment in time as to where an adult may bite their tongue and lash out later because of repressed feelings. We are quick to apologize and make up if things go wrong so that we can get back to our fun and the situation is never brought up again because we are so consumed with what positive things we could be doing with our time spent together. They say that children develop their full personalities by the age of 3 or 4 which leads me to believe that the people that knew us before we started school (at least before 3rd grade) got to know the REAL and RAW person we really are. I know personally my child hood friends and myself had our arguments, threw fits, had fun, used our imaginations, worked as a team, and supported one another through good times and bad. I know that to this day these girls would fight tooth and nail for me regardless of whether I've talked to them everyday or once every 5 years. Why? Because they know me for me and they know I would do the same for them in a heartbeat. As life goes on and we grow older we have to start school and of course meet new friends. This is the time period in our lives where people get hardened and learn how to conceal parts of themselves. As preteens and teens we are so consumed on who has the better clothes, friends, hair rather than who has a loyal and genuine personality. We begin that awkward pubescent stage in our lives where we are constantly worried about our looks as opposed to our child counterpart who could care less if we just got out of the mud and our hair is a mess. There's a lot of name calling, judging, and worst of all bullying that creates complexes even for the strongest and most confident people. We begin to take on a new identity of what people want to see rather than of the person we know we really are. We become people pleasers which can be exhausting. This leads me to my next point. Our friendships as we get older seem a lot less genuine. At least from my personal experience. Do we really know this person we've been friends with through out high school? Instead of sharing secrets or experiencing heartache together as we would when we are children, we are constantly having to chip away the hardened exterior of our new adult friends. It's hard to tell if the person we are trusting and hanging out with is really being genuine because of this "people pleasing" transformation we've all taken on at one time or another. Have you ever met one of your high school (or anyone older) friends childhood buddies and seen a confused look on their face? Or even better. Have they ever got mad at you or all of a sudden hated you for no good reason? It's probably because they see the huge change in their friend and they think it's YOU who is causing it. They get jealous, pissed, and give everyone the cold shoulder if you're in a group setting. They don't understand that their friend has taken on this new identity to people please. Their friend is trying to please you and so they're pissed! Why? Because they KNOW their friend from the inside out before they reached this stage in their life. All in all...My point is that as adults it becomes a lot more difficult to identify who we should surround ourselves with. It's harder to trust because hardly anyone is real! Some of us luckily never change or fall into those patterns, try our best not to judge others, and still let our child like heart out to play. My thought is: If we all remained like our childhood counterparts (of course we'd mature...haha) the world would be a much better place. We'd tell each other what we were really thinking, be accountable for our mistakes, apologize, focus on the positive things we could do with our time together, not drag out an argument or situation, and be there for one another. The stress of our lives as far as friendship goes would be so much easier. No one would have those pent up feelings, frustration, or that horrible feeling of having to constantly look over your shoulder and watch your back. Life would have a lot less drama. Well...at least in an ideal world. I'm not saying that our childhood friends haven't gone down wrong paths or done wrong just because we knew them once upon a time as a kid. It's heartbreaking when we see it happen, but it's nice to know or at least hope that they will find their way back to that person you know and love.Thank goodness I've never followed trends, have always danced to the beat of my own drum, and still keep in touch with the lovely ladies you see in the picture above. I will admit...I have fallen into the people pleasing category before, but I quickly realized it wasn't for me. So what if I have small boobs, a big butt, I'm short etc. At least I know I'm real with the people that are in front of me and I say what's on my mind. I read a quote once that goes perfect with this blog. "I'd rather be hated for I am that loved for who I am not."

<3
Hayley

*Disclaimer: I know there are several things in life that can change or alter a persons personality. Living conditions, abuse, depression...etc. In this blog I was referring to people pleasing and basically what I've observed starts it and transforms some of us from our childhood self to our adult self. My thoughts and opinions are not the ONLY thoughts or opinions out there and I understand that my experiences obviously differ from other. :)

I remember....

2011-06-16T03:30:00.000-07:00

I figure I'll start at the beginning. My first memories are of me in a two bedroom apartment with my parents. I can even remember sitting in my high chair in the kitchen and eating peas! In these early memories I can't remember many people being around except for my parents. All I remember is our neighbor Olga who was an elderly lady who has already passed. I remember my mom sending me to her apartment with oranges or limes and her watching me through the window to make sure I got there okay. I can remember smashing a blue bar of soap into my hair when my mom wasn't looking while taking a bath and her having to clean the mess out of my scalp. I also remember getting shampoo in my eyes and not being able to see for days. My father (who was disabled) attempted to give me a bath or a shower and that's when the shampoo accidentally got into my eyes making my vision completely blurry for 3 days. My mom says my eyes were bloodshot red. It was horrible and to this day when shampoo streams down my face during a shower I clench my eyes shut in fear that it will get into my eyes. Haha! I had a blue blanket which now a days would look completely old school with those long soft fibers on it that were really in style in the 80's. It had white almost tye dyed looking circles on it. I can't really remember my bedroom much, but I do remember my bed being a dark wood framed twin bed. I always remember being taught something or trying to copy what people would do. My mom used to sit on the corner of the couch and read magazines and when I would try to do it I would fall asleep with a magazine spread on my lap because I didn't know how to read and I imagine trying to imitate someone can get really tiring and boring. Hmmm...Sounds familiar to a lot of adults huh? Haha! I can remember reciting my alphabet in the living room as my parents clapped for me. It's kind of weird...but I remember things always being dark. I know they say that children see in black and white until a certain age and thinking back on all these memories makes me want to say that this is kind of true because I rarely remember color. I don't remember hardly any color except for my blue blanket and a few other things. Now that I'm going through these memories in my head I can remember waking up in a yellow shirt with a pamper on! It's crazy what the mind will recall. I think it's a little miraculous that I can remember things like sitting in a high chair or wearing a pamper. I don't remember how it felt...but I can remember it. I haven't met many people who can recall these little details of their life. I always remember feeling awkward, shy, and scared. I don't know why I felt this way. I think probably because my dad was really strict about manners and being very lady like. I assume I was always a little freaked out to make a wrong move in fear of being corrected. To this day I eat with a napkin on my lap, with my legs closed, and no elbows on the table.

Welcome :)

2011-06-14T05:57:00.000-07:00

Welcome to my new Blog!
This will more than likely have nothing to do with beauty, fashion, or anything of that sort. When Myspace was the "in" thing I used to love the blog feature and would write almost everyday. For some reason or another people were interested in reading my thoughts and I had almost 30,000 views on my Myspace Blog alone. I feel as though some of my most random thoughts while going to bed or during rare moments of solitude are the most important messages I seem to receive. Sometimes I feel like I've lived a previous life and know things that I shouldn't or I give advice that is way beyond my years. I also feel like a lot of people assume things of me yet know nothing about me at all. I am not shy to share my thoughts with anyone (especially on paper or in blogs) so I felt it was time to take up writing these lovely and random "Thoughts that cross my mind." Take this blog as sort of a personal diary where you will get to learn things about me that I may not even share with the people around me in my day to day life. Sometimes my blogs can tend to get a bit subliminal and have to be figured out which I will apologize for up front. :) Other times I'm straight and to the point and just have things to get off of my chest. All in all...My blogs go straight from my mind to my finger tips and aren't edited or censored. Welcome to my new journey!
<3
Hayley