The Tim Dillinger BlogSpot

weekly random report

2009-11-11T18:26:00.000-08:00

1. SOULKISS completed our first three songs for our album on sunday. it has to be one of the greatest sessions i've ever been a part of. we completed vocals on three songs, leads and backgrounds, essentially in one take. we did two takes of most songs just so we'd have a backup if there were some pitchy spots, but it was like being back in the 70s. we were all miked and we did our vocals together so that you will actually be listening to a group sing TOGETHER, not sing everything perfectly so that all of the emotion is sucked out of it. we hope to release late spring...more to come.

2. working like crazy on our 2010 plan. we are looking at a tour to coincide with the release...and this time, it will include the UK and Europe. we are looking at venues now...so if you have any information on London, Northern England, Germany, Sweden, the Netherlands and Japan, please hit me up at tim@timdillinger.com!

3. very excited to have heard two rough mixes on elizabeth cunningham's 'maevensong' cd which i was a part of producing. it is absolutely riveting and probably the greatest music i have ever been a part of. be sure to check her out at http://elizabethandmaeve.blogspot.com and www.passionofmarymagdalen.com. her books are essential reading. you can purchase them at www.amazon.com.

4. very excited about my trip to Nashville next week. all of the details on the performance are on the prior post. it will be my first time performing in nashville since last september on my birthday! i'm looking forward to singing with my old musical companions there.

5. not as silly as some of the prior random emails. guess there's alot to talk about this week :) be encouraged everybody...and i'll write more soon...

Nashville Performance Next Week!!

2009-11-11T07:20:00.000-08:00

it is what it is

2009-11-07T17:43:00.000-08:00

It has been a long time since I've really written. I've toyed with some lyrics and I've worked some on my fictional work, but it's been almost two months since I really focused and let the muse speak. It's been hard to find that space. Between preparing for shows, handling the SOULKISS bookings, working a part-time job and maintaining my relationships, it has been challenging to just drop it all and create.

When Elizabeth and I were in Nashville, I was reminded of how many stories there are to tell...and how many great storytellers I know. I also realized that there is a part of me that guards them....that holds them close....that wants to save them for those who gain access to the holy of holies...that sacred space or circle, if you will. I realize that that is selfish...that the stories are meant to be, as my mother once sang, given away...freely. So I'm working on that.

I have also been contending with my continual back and forth/love-hate relationship with this life: this gypsy life. I have lived the past 9 years of my life living to sing. There has been, virtually, no other focus. My one attempt at living my life outside of the song was disastrous...and was honestly the reason I moved to New York and made the decision to go for it. This is it. Now or never. And it has been a successful time. And I see it gaining momentum every day.

It is the moments outside of the song that are difficult. Those are the moments that are, quite honestly, hard to live. Those are the moments that feel loveless...incomplete...languid. I find comfort in knowing that most of my heroes have lived and felt this way. In the song, I am. period. In the song, none of the things that concern me outside of the song exist: It doesn't matter than I am single. It doesn't matter that I am where I am financially. The spirit overtakes all of those things and for those 90 minutes that I/we are on stage, we transcend it.

And then when it is over, I crash. I am reminded that it is what it is. And I have to contend with it.

Probably not the most encouraging blog, but I always feel compelled to be truthful and to be honest. I'm not a showbiz kinda guy. This is real. This is what it is. I think every creative person has, at least momentarily, felt this way. So this is me sharing.

the weekly random report

2009-11-04T18:23:00.000-08:00

1. I know I'm about 20 years late on this, but I am addicted to Murder, She Wrote. I never watched it while it was actually on network television, but I DVR the reruns on the Hallmark Channel and wish I had paid attention to this.

2. I returned to the sweatshop after being out sick for a week. And yes, it is still as torturous as I remembered it being. I'm grateful for the provision that it brings to this singer/songwriter, but would be thrilled to have a part-time job in a library or something that would be provide me the same flexibility that this job does. Argh.

3. On the upswing, the sweatshop is helping get the SOULKISS album off the ground. We head back in the studio on Sunday to lay down our vocals on the three rhythm tracks we have started...and in rehearsal tonight, we decided on the next song we will record a track for.

4. While I was home sick, I saw Aretha Franklin on a Soul Train rerun from 1972. She was singing tunes from "Young, Gifted & Black", one of my favorite albums by her. She was singing live, which rarely happened on Soul Train and I was recaptivated by this woman who eminated the richest soul possible during that time period. It made me get out the albums she made between 1972 and 1975 and I have to say, they are completely underrated. If you're a vinyl head, get "With Everything I Feel In Me"...and anyone can get "Hey Now Hey" and "Amazing Grace" on iTUNES. Pure brilliance.

5. There is a gig coming up in Nashville on the 21st. I will post details tonight. Hope all of my Nashville friends can come out...

More later. I love you guys.

the don't tell mama shows

2009-11-02T18:40:00.000-08:00

the past two weeks have been two of the most special weeks of my life. this year has been loaded with experiences beyond my wildest dreams. the past two weeks with charlene moore have been, at the risk of understatment, pretty amazing.

the rehearsals were spirit filled. charlene's presence brought the best out in all of us. when david sang 'fools fall in love' in the first rehearsal, i cried like i was in church. we began recording our album the same week and just having her there as a sounding board, was profound.

the energy the night of the first show was crazy. people were lined up out the door of the venue and when we finally hit the stage, we were ready. martha wash, one of our favorite vocalists, was in the audience and it was kind of uncanny having here there while we paid tribute to her, izora and sylvester.

as we did the encore, a medley of dottie rambo's 'he looked beyond on my fault' and the sylvester/patti anthem 'you are my friend', the song took a turn. the kind of turn that happens in church. what happened afterwards was 20 minutes of improvisation and the night turned from a bawdy, bluesy gathering to a revivial. i will never forget the sound of the audience or the sight of elizabeth cunningham's arms uplifted as she rose from her seat. the goddess was with us.

the night following the show, i felt myself starting to get ill. something wasn't right in my throat. it wasn't sore, but it was irritated. i started my regiment of tea, but it wasn't touching the achiness that was beginning to take over my body. by sunday night, i had a temperature. i was up most of the night sweating and monday, all i could do was sleep. the temperature rose and fell most of monday. it hit 102 and i called the doctor. his assistant said to go to the er if my fever hit anything over 100 before morning came. i got up around 5 and my brother took my temperature and hit had hit 103. we rushed to the er only to wait for two hours for nothing to happen.

i opted to leave and thankfully my doctor got me in. i started antibiotics and worried about whether or not i would be able to do friday's show. then one of my soulkiss brothers got a cold. we both medicated and kept positive and sure enough, by friday, we were passable.

something happened when we hit the stage on the 30th. we found that 'thing' that true lovers of song have. i've experienced moments when i couldn't whisper, and when i hit the stage, the voice came from nowhere and this past friday was one of those experiences. we made it through the show without a single cough or voice break. charlene was brilliant, once again, and the spirit rose. i saw one of our dear friends reduced to tears and the mere sound of her voice.

when i reviewed the footage for youtube, the majority of the clips i chose came from that second night. something otherworldly happens when you are forced to find that place inside and spirit has to simply rise to make it all work. and that's what this past friday's show was.

on sunday, charlene's birthday arrived and she wanted to go to church, so we packed up in the car and went with her. as the service was reaching an end, i felt the presence of spirit. i began to cry...i never can deny it. i find as i get older, my ability to be reserved evades me more and more. i remember my head dropping in surrender and the tears flowed. i felt one brothers hand on my back. i felt my other brother take my hand. with my eyes closed, we met in that other place. that place that is, as elizabeth has written about, between the worlds. while we were physically in this place together, we were spiritually together in another place. it was sacred. it was holy. and i will never forget it.

people see the videos and come to the shows and imagine that we are in a certain place. but i can be transparent enough to say that we are yet in that pending place. we are on our way. things are happening, but there are still day to day worries...day to day needs...day to day questions...and momentary forgetfullness of what we know lies ahead. but we are given these moments to remember..and remember...and remember again.

be sure to check all of the clips at www.youtube.com/timdillinger

never like this

2009-10-22T19:25:00.001-07:00

tonight's rehearsal was something. SOMETHING. we had two full band rehearsals and felt spirit...but i guess it's only fitting that the rehearsal most reminiscent of how SOULKISS began would be the one where it really happened: right in the living room.

we sat down tonight to work out a few kinks. we did so, and then went into a song that we are doing in a tribute segment of the show and something different happened with it. the rhythm changed...the cadence shifted...the mood moved. i guess the simplest way to say it is that the holy ghost came in.

charlene moore began doing what she does best: feeling it. the hairs on my arm stood up and i began doing my back and forth rock. we got locked into a call and response that simply said "Never...never...never like this"...and in my mind, i fell into the moment.

never. like. this.

this.

the moment jumped out like a 3d movie. i remembered where i was this time last year. scared out of my mind. i had just made the decision to move to new york. i didn't really know if i could. there was alot of uncertainty. a friendship that i treasured was unravelling. and here i sit now. a year later.

yes, there is still a long way to go, but i have spent the past 10 months doing what i love...with people that i love...and expanding relationships that nourish and encourage. i am creatively entirely fulfilled. the music that we are creating is what i have wanted to do my whole career. my whole life actually.

so yes. i've been in love before, but never like this. just in love with life--even the low moments. i feel myself getting stronger...all of this comradarie is like strength in my bones. i pull on it and remember in the lonely, midnight hours...when i think it's just me...and i remember that i have combrogos...companions....

it is the most amazing time of my life. i have walked thru the hard times. the devistation. the heartbreak. the disappointment. and here i am.

never like this.

planning for 2010:need your input!!

2009-10-16T12:42:00.000-07:00

hello friends--

it is an exciting time to be an indie artist. shortly before i left for nashville, i received an email from an artist friend with an incredible rollout plan for 2010 that i thought was incredibly innovative. it got my wheels spinning. then i landed in nashville and during a luncheon with my brother-friend, lenny hamilton, who is preparing to release HIS new album, and elizabeth, we started tossing around other ideas.

i just completed a first draft idea of a way to be able to bring you a bulk for music next year at one simple low cost...but it is just a draft!

i wanted to find a way for us to be interactive. i've had a lot of different requests from people through the years...a christmas album, a standards project...etc. so...in the process of putting together this 'homage' album, a collection of songs that i've loved through the years, i want to leave 3 slots open for 'bonus tracks', or wildcard picks, that are suggested by YOU.

they will be available for people who subscribe to this plan we will be rolling out soon. so....you can post your song suggestions here...and i will pick 3 of them for inclusion in the 'homage' project...

u can post here or you can email me at tim@timdillinger.com.

this should be fun...

details on the rollout in the next 3 weeks!!!

a new view

2009-10-14T03:28:00.000-07:00

so i got new glasses yesterday. it had been a minute since i'd had an eye exam...and last year, i noticed a distinct change in my vision.

i went for a long stretch without health insurance, something i will never in my life do again. i am realizing as i get older, how important it is...i am not invincible and the body does need care. i took my youth for granted in many ways and assumed i would always have the same body, the same eyes, the same energy and the same vitality that i had in my early 20s.

so with that lesson learned, i went for my eye exam yesterday and an hour later had a new pair of glasses.

i put them on, and it was literally, instantly, like seeing a new world. things that were blurry were once crystal clear. i walked outside and the ground initially looked as if it were a platform of some type. i felt like i was sixty feet tall.

i started to cry because i had to take stock of where my life is right now. things, as i wrote a few days ago, are truly coming together. i came home and followed up on some SOULKISS business and was amazed at where we are , a short six months since our first shows. we're getting ready to record, i'm recording a little solo project, i'm writing two books, i'm surrounded with love.

shy of a partner, financial provision and property, my dreams are fulfilled. i am living them right now, in good health with people that i love. i am grateful for all that is right now...and grateful for all that is coming....i can see clearly now....

Life is Congealing...

2009-10-12T11:56:00.000-07:00

I think I had to go to Nashville last week for many reasons. Reasons that I had no clue of.

I was in a partnership that changed me when I was in Nashville, for the majority of the time I was there. It focused me in many ways...and in others, I surrendered mysef to become what someone else wanted me to be. With exception of "The Muse", everything I did was a compromise. Even my friendships...my personal relationships...they all had to be managed...never fully realized for fear of someone else's disapproval. The last year was unbearable. I could no longer keep people I wanted to love at arm's length.

I came to New York and started over. For the first time, I was not only able to ask myself what I wanted, but I was also able to excecute that vision, without blinking, for the first time. I have become a new person. Again.

So when I went to Nashville with Elizabeth last week, I was able to touch these people that I loved, but had never been able to fully hold while I was there. I was able to reveal all of me to them...and we were able to embrace each other. It was significant. It was monumental. It was revelatory.

In the process, I made myself a playlist of songs that shaped me when I was growing up. Songs that I've wanted to record. Songs that blend my world view with a transcendant faith. Songs that I did not write, but wish that I did! Songs that my former management told me not to record. But I've never quite been able to quite shake the feeling that I am to record these songs.

So...with a Nashville gig approaching, I began the process today of putting together sessions to record the first half of this project on that trip. What a thrill!!

I am also coordinating the recording (with many thanks to Elizabeth Cunningham) for the first SOULKISS sessions. I cannot tell you how exciting it is to be able to have this group situation...and to be able to do what I want in a solo capacity...Creatively I feel so complete...and free....

MAKE YOUR RESERVATIONS: SOULKISS @ DON'T TELL MAMA'S IN NYC: OCT 23 and 30th! WITH CHARLENE MOORE!

2009-10-10T06:52:00.000-07:00

nashville recap

2009-10-09T08:17:00.000-07:00

i spent the last five days in nashville with elizabeth cunningham participating in the production of her first recorded project, MaevenSong. what a breathtaking experience. i will try to break down the reasons why, but something far beyond verbalization happened on this trip...so bear with me.

from a creative standpoint, this is the experience i have to have when recording. it gave me a template once again. making this album with elizabeth, i experienced what i have always wanted to experience in recording and never have. the entire process was a joy. it was spiritual, it was emotional, it was full of comaradarie, creativity and improvisation.

i've made three albums and let me say, it is rare to be able to record an album in a month, let alone three days. we were pretty much finished with the album after two days. we spent the third day doing a few harmonies and adding percussion, but the synergy was such between everyone involved that we moved at incredible speed.

the songs are all derived from elizabeth's novels, 'the maeve chronicles', and hearing these songs birthed in this sense was an amazing experience.

one of my favorite moments was hearing elizabeth begin 'miriam's lament' during our arranging session and realizing that it was a preach...and calling my son, ron, to come and play it with her, but completely improvised...and watching elizabeth manifest the character as she recorded. it was spellbinding. it was chilling. it ended with us in tears and realizing how special what had just happened was.

on day two, we recorded the prologue and as elizabeth spoke the words, with ron's accompaniment, i went back to being in my room last june and reading those words for the first time. it was surreal hearing them spoken by her, just a few blocks from the room that i read them in...in the city where i lived the heartbreak. i understood, even more, in that moment, why it all had to happen and experienced an overwhelming moment of healing and realization of purpose.

i did get to see so many of my family while i was there. i realized how much i really do love this city that i couldn't wait to get out of. a city that i had to leave to be able to do what i am doing now. but i felt the city in my bones for the first time and realized that no matter where i am, i belong to it.

love to toya, midori, lenny, mike, mama, destiny, crystal, pamelita, jerry, and anybody else i am forgetting to mention on this journey.

elizabeth--thank you for entrusting me to be a part of this and for all that you are to my life. i'm so, so grateful for this experience. u have once again changed my life. the combrogos love you.

Nashville Bound

2009-10-01T19:20:00.000-07:00

1. So I fly out to Nashville today. I'm going in a day and a half early to prepare for the recording of Maevensongs with Elizabeth Cunningham. While I co-produced my sophomore album and the unreleased gospel album, it's my first time helping someone else record their vision...and it's an exciting prospect. Especially since the story that inspired these songs has been such a part of my life this past year. I'm excited to get to spend some time with my Nashville family and enjoy some good ole southern comfort.

2. With Elizabeth's encouragement, I have begun working on my first fictional work. The writing itself is slow, but I feel in many ways like I've gained a new friend. My main character and I have been hanging out...I see pieces of where the story will go...I feel alot of his feelings...sometimes it's a little overwhelming...kind of like empathing. In other ways, I feel like I am him and have lived a huge piece of his story. You can never set a timeline on this kind of project...so I'm looking forward to this new kind of companionship.

3. We had what I think is our best rehearsal last night. SOULKISS has been such a joy. I missed harmony when I was exclusively doing the solo thing. Being able to tell stories WITH people has got to be the greatest joy. We rehearse in the living room and we lose ourselves in the songs. Last night, I heard our voices bending all around each other and it made the biggest smile come across my face. I felt like shit yesterday. Tired and achy...just wanted to curl up under a blanket, but then we rehearsed...and it really was healing....Thank you Kare and David....I really do think SOULKISS is magic.

4. I tweeted this am that I really am becoming more and more content to just do my thing...and let trends and fads do what they do as well. I've always marched to the beat of my own drummer...but I also felt very alone in doing so. Maybe it's the fact that SOULKISS is a unit or the fact that the combrogos have joined forces too, but I feel like we're creating our own thing. "If you build it, they will come"...and I'm seeing it happen...It's the most exciting thing I've ever experienced.

5. I'm shamelessly self promoting this week. We've got a lot of new traffic coming by and people don't always know what's available, so here goes.

a. All 3 of my solo albums are available on iTUNES. "Love Is On My Mind", "The Muse" and "Remixes" are also available on amazon.com. "The Muse" is available (for a lower price for the hard copy) on www.cdbaby.com/timdillinger.

b. My first book, "Snapshots" is available at www.lulu.com/timdillinger. It is a collection of lyrics, poetry, essays and journal entries.

c. T-shirts, buttons, posters, etc. are available at www.cafepress.com/timdillinger.

All things SOULKISS are in development and will be available by January. The album is in the works as well....We promise!!!

And don't forget that we will be at Don't Tell Mama's in NYC with special guest CHARLENE MOORE on October 23 and 30th. Both shows begin at 9:30 PM, the cover is $15 and there is a 2 drink minimum. Both shows will be ones you will NOT forget. Details are on the flyer at the top of this post.

notes from a day

2009-10-01T04:03:00.000-07:00

1. an older woman who works in the sweatshop told me how much she loves barbra streisand but that 'her politics are gonna be the death of her'. ok. like really? barbra streisand is barbra streisand and you are....well...working in the sweatshop too. are you sure about statement? i'm just sayin'. i think i'll take a dose of barbra's politics and leave the sweatshop behind. (for the record, exactly what IS the problem with barbra's politics? I certainly don't have one. She is for women's rights, equal rights and was against the war...)

2. coffee please. i'm realizing how much caffiene is required for me to get through a day. granted, i drink 3 liters of water, but i also drink 1 liter of diet coke, an iced coffee and at least two cups of coffee before i leave the house. no wonder i don't feel like moving in the morning.

3. yoko ono and sean lennon were staggeringly beautiful on 'the view' yesterday. i adore yoko's work (I have all of the albums: including the box set) and this new album is a jewel in her crown. if you don't have 'between my head and the sky' ,be sure to pick it up.

4. i am preparing for nashville. immersing myself in elizabeth's songs and hoping to know them intimiately by the time we hit the studio. i'm sure that maeve and esus will be with us, and of course isis and host of others...i know that the inspiration is going to be glorious.

5. i did the leg work and have selected my piano teacher and will begin lessons at the top of the year. i have to get a little keyboard for the house...but i am so excited about this next chapter!!!!

i'm getting ready for the sweatshop....but know that i love you guys.
if you haven't, be sure to pick up my albums on itunes (there are 3 of them), my book on www.lulu.com/timdillinger and t-shirts, etc. at www.cafepress.com/timdillinger.

random notes...more of them

2009-09-29T19:42:00.001-07:00

1. today my cell phone mysteriously died. it is my lifeline. according to t-mobile, because some color code thing underneath my battery is pink, it means i have water damage, which means the phone will not be covered by the insurance plan. now...i don't know...i had the phone in my pocket all morning...so unless i waded through a pool of water or something while at the sweatshop--or maybe i actually sweated soooo much at the sweatshop---i have no idea where this water damage came from. such is life.

2. i feel like i am returning to life. the guys looked at me funny tonight when i told them i was going to dvr a baseball game. i started downloading the 'fresh air' podcast from npr and am picking up a soap opera ('all my children'). it's not that i really have time for all of this, but i realized that my world has been pretty marginalized the past few years. everything has focused around the art--which is wonderful---but i'm realizing that the pool from which the art is inspired could stand to get a little bigger...so here's to learning a lot of new things all at once.

3. i seriously want to learn how to play the piano again. being with patsy moore this year has shown me the importance of needing to be able to accompany oneself...and the struggles the guys and i have had in out of town gigs has made it more and more of a priority for me...i need to get a little keyboard and start fumbling around again. i actually can sort of play by ear (who knew)...so it's time to sharpen myself there too.

4. excited about my trip to nashville to record with elizabeth cunningham. in case you haven't seen, she wrote an incredible blog about our connection (which i did this week as well). you can see her side of the story at http://elizabethandmaeve.blogspot.com. pretty incredible stuff if you believe in kismet and cosmic twins.

5. it's late and i'm enjoying being up a little later these days. the laptop has been such an incredible gift and allows me to get alot more done....so...i'm up waay to late considering i rise at 5 am...but what the hell....

6 last but not least, i had a pretty mind blowing day yesterday. phone calls from some mentors and folks i admire, really encouraging me and the guys in what we are pursuing...we've got a pretty major guest for a show next year...and the wisdom she poured out to me just completely humbled me and made me proud to be a part of something i think is pretty damn special.

i love you all so much.
thanks for keeping me/us encouraged.

The Day You Held Me

2009-09-28T03:39:00.000-07:00

Back in 2003, I was in the very early stages of writing the album that would become "Love Is On My Mind". We had recorded two songs, "My Soul's Sweet Song" (which was never released, but I think will end up being revamped for Soulkiss!) and "(I'm Not) Colorblind (which ended up being saved for "The Muse"). I had a gig in Lousiana at Grambling State University for Black History Month and hit the road.

While doing a radio there, we were discussing my favorite writers, particularly Ntozake Shange. The radio announcer informed me that the Drama Department was doing a production of For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide while I was there. And of course, I went. Having read the book (or cheoreopoem), but never seen it live before, I was rivted.

Hearing the words: I found God in myself...and I loved her: at the conclusion of the play did something to me. I went back to the hotel and remembered an experience with a father figure, the first time I had ever been embraced by a father. Having grown up without my father, the moment was a pivitol one for me. The fusion of those experiences made me pick up my pen....and The Day You Held Me flowed seamlessly. I was finished in roughly 10 minutes. I hit the road next morning and went right to the studio and sang it for Dale Babb, my collaborator, who picked up his guitar and heard the music in my head. It set the framework for the album that would become Love Is On My Mind.

But the story doesn't end there. I believe that songs have lives of their own. They unfold. As time goes on, the song morphs and expands. We have to live the song.

Fastforward to last year and I met someone I could best describe as a cosmic twin. During our first conversation, they said "I remember you". It was otherworldly. And my process of remembering began.

A few months later, I was heartbroken. I felt the greatest sorrow I have ever experienced. I was dismembered, so to speak.

I went to the library, angrily looking for Terry McMillan's Disappearing Acts and instead found The Passion of Mary Magdalen by Elizabeth Cunningham. I had never heard of this book before, but something in me said that I needed to get it.

I took it home and began to read and found my story. It was all about remembering. Isis re-membering Osiris. Mary Magdalen finding and losing her cosmic twin Jesus...then finding him again...and the process of re-membering YOURSELF...

There were days I wanted to die. And this book kept my heart pulsing. It gave me my will to live. It made me remember the song. The song. The song.

It made me put my experience into a perspective....that maybe it wasn't about the other person, but rather about what they brought to my life to be a part of the story: that I needed everything to fall apart so that I could get to the core. The core of that onion. So that I could get back to the song....the song that I had wanted to forget....

So when I moved to NY and we formed SOULKISS, this was one of the first songs of my solo career that I wanted to put into the show...It means so much to me....I hope that it makes you...remember....

Dawning of a New Day: Post Mortem

2009-09-27T07:25:00.000-07:00

About three years ago, I recorded a gospel album. It was the year of the rollercoaster for me. I had begun wearing some 'brave new shoes', I announced that I was recording this album and a few weeks later, decided to speak my truth in regards to some other matters. And I was not prepared for the fallout. I liked the edge, but I didn't necessarily like the price that came with having the edge. But. I had made the decision and I was rolling with the punches.

I recorded the album live in Nashville. Friends and family from all over came for it. It was an incredible two days of synergy and connectivity. We were so very excited about it. We began working on preproduction. We started a few months after the recording and began fixing background vocals and adding horns and strings. Some keyboard overdubs. Typical production stuff.

Then in January of 2008, a new friend and teacher entered my life and she asked me if I was ready for my life to unravel. Like my fictional ID, Maeve, I took the hard and dangerous path and said yes. She recommended that I read Pierre Teilhard de Chardin, Matthew Fox, Hildegard of Bingden, Rudolph Steiner and a series of other mystics. As I read, I found myself disenchanted with more Christian based ministries, including inclusive ministries, as I found myself craving something that had more of an interfaith bent.

In just a few weeks, my personal life began to take a new turn. By June, I was a mess. A broken heart blended with other personal relationships falling apart and ending left me at what felt like a dead end street. Career-wise, even if I had felt like singing, it appeared to be over. Gigs had dried up and I had this gospel album basically completed, that I could not complete for monetary reasons.

Or I should say, reasons that I thought were montetary.

So in December, I moved to NYC, still holding this album in front of me, thinking that it was to be my next full length release.

And then my journey took me further. Several of the seers in my life said that they felt that there was an ordained time for the project and that there were other things to be accomplished before this album could see the light of day.

I agree with that. But I also feel, now, that theologically, I am miles away from where I was even when I recorded this album. While I was talking with a Christian author friend the other day, I realized why this album may never be released. I am an unabashed person of interfaith. I love Jesus. I love Isis. I practice Buddhism. I see the value in every walk...and to try and fit inside a box of religion that is intolerant of those from other walks is arrogant and silly.

So, today, I am putting 'Dawning' away and am preparing myself to write and record something that speaks my heart from what it beats now. Maybe it will see the light of day in 40 years. Who knows? But it is no longer a priority...or even a dream of mine. There is sadness in that, but also an odd burst of hope...that there is a fresh message...a new layer to be unpeeled in this onion that I seems to get closer to the core with every transition.

There's a call to us all.....

i had to say it

2009-09-25T04:05:00.000-07:00

Several friends sent this over yesterday and I watched it and felt the greatest sadness and anger. Maybe it was a culmination of this and an associate in the gospel music industry who recently came out and has had all sorts of public fallout from HIS associates, but I have spent the past year and a half attempting to be quiet. I experienced much fallout after a year of speaking my truth. Things are finally rebuilding and are actually better than the ever were.

But for me to see something like this and not say anything is just impossible.

I was having a conversation with an author friend of mine this past week who writes in the Christian market. We disagree on many things, but have found that place of commonality with one another where we don't need to agree to love each other. We were discussing the coming out of a particular gospel artist and her issue wasn't that he came out, but rather that he wants to be a traditional Christian and be 'out'. Her question was how does he navigate using the Bible and being 'out'. I'll get to my response in a minute...

Then I see this Tyra video. Lord where do we start. This poor 16 year old child. These people use the Bible to frighten and scare people into seeing things are particular way at the cost of their peace of mind...literally robbing them of the possibility of joy in their lives. What happened to living 'life and life more abundantly'. To hear this child speak and to see the sadness in his eyes is one of the greatest travesties I've ever witnessed. It flashed me back to my own childhood. I know exactly how this young man feels. I've lived it.

To hear his supposed prophet speak and the way that they use the Bible to promote this emotional torture is apppauling, but not shocking. This is the same Bible that has been used to support wars, mass killings, the abuse of women, slavery and any number of crazed delusions that have caused blood shed over the past thousands of years.

I believe that mainstream Christianity is dangerous. And this is coming from someone who loves them some Jesus. At some point, we have to take some weight off of the Holy Bible and simply take some lessons in logic and personal responsibility. I believe that the Bible is a wonderful guide, but it cannot be used in a literal manner. When it is, this is when it becomes dangerous. I mean, honestly, people have enough sense to not stone their children when they disobey, but it seems to end there. If one law cannot be taken literally and we write it off the the customs of the time, then why can't we take that evaluation of the words spoken a bit further?

It frightens me that this child believes that his gay demon was driven out, but even though the demon is gone (like magic!), he still has to go through this mysterious process before the feelings REALLY go away. The same people also believe that one day a trumpet is going to sound and everyone who believes is going to start flying in the air to go to heaven. Dead people will rise out of their graves and ascend as well. Like...really? I used to believe this...then one day the light bulb went on.

If Jesus is the founder of the faith, why are we more interested in what the other writers in the Bible have to say over what He actually said? Jesus preached a message of love without judgement. The only judgement he ever had was of the religious leaders. And he cleared the temple out.

So, when my friend asked me how I balanced the Bible with my belief, my answer was simple: I don't. The Bible is a book. Was it inspired? Of course. But no more inspired that James Baldwin, Ntozake Shange, Emily Dickinson...hell...or me for that matter. We are all inspired beings and the inspiration that comes from us is shaped by the God that we know and experience. It doesn't make one's perception the 'right' one...but rather, it makes them individual.

This is what I feel the danger in the modern church is. They become cultish because they point you to one person (and not Jesus) who then steers you to believe that their perception of God is the one that is right and good. It may be, but it isn't YOUR perception. Don't just accept something someone says because they are charismatic and you believe they have a direct line to God that you don't realize you have too. Listen. Go inside. Hear what the Spirit is saying.

I believe that there is one way. God. Spirit. Beyond that He/She has many names.

Find your way home.

I think this Labelle song says it all.

dallas in pictures

2009-09-23T02:39:00.000-07:00

Reserve Your Seats Today....

2009-09-21T11:18:00.000-07:00

...for the Oct 23 and 30th shows featuring SOULKISS with special guest CHARLENE MOORE.

The shows will be at Don't Tell Mama's at 343 West 43rd Street in NYC.

Both shows will begin at 9:30 pm.

You can reserve your table at http://www.donttellmamanyc.com/ or by calling 212-757-0788.

eyes

2009-09-21T10:08:00.001-07:00

it was as if
my heart had never been broken

i was fearless
i felt a blush
a crush
and felt a spark
in the humid texas night

unexpected
i guess that's when it happens
at least that's what everyone
has been telling me

i stare into eyes
that make me smile
an arm wraps around my waist
we walk and talk

two hands converge
more sparks
a goodbye hug
and i memorize
arms around my waist
lips against my cheek
and i stare one more time
into those eyes

random notes

2009-09-16T04:57:00.000-07:00

1. a much better week than last week was. last week was spent in the depths of the dungeon. this week, i'm taking it and pouring it into the beginnings of my first fictional work...which may not be complete for another nineteen years...but i AM working on it. the inspiration for this story helps me understand further so much of what i've walked thru and AM walking thru as we speak. The main character is becoming a companion of sorts for me...he speaks and i relate...writing fiction is a little scary...but i'm gonna do my damndest...

2. cannot watch the news these days. makes me too angry and fussy. george bush sat in office for eight years and lied and destroyed this country's reputation on a worldwide scale and no one, republican or democrat, exposed him to the degree that i personally think he should have been exposed. yet, after a brief 7 months in office, the republicans think that it is okay to behave like petulant children, standing up and screaming LIAR at a man who is so obviously working to restore what is good about America. let me also say that i find these right wing extremist parents who feel the need to 'guard' their children from obama's speeches absolutely abhorent. These are the same people who do indeed clutch to guns and bibles and live their lives marching off to war with the cross of jesus going on before. they are offended because he's telling children that they can help change the country. i often wonder what america they live in. yes, america is great...but anything that is great, can afford to be made greater. racism, poverty, sickness still exist and there are still laws of equality to be fought for. yes we can improve. yes we need to change.

3. approaching another birthday next week. it's been quite a year. ironically, i will be in nasvhille the week after my birthday working with elizabeth cunningham on her 'maevensongs'. it will be interesting to be back in my old 'home' at that time. perhaps i will find some answers...or maybe have some more questions when i get back home to NY.

i intended on having more to say, but this is it....enjoy this video clip of teena marie on the TJMS a few weeks ago. i listened live when this aired and cried when i heard it. there's something magical in that voice. seeing it on this video and hear it acapella without the keyboard that was accompanying her makes it even more poignant IMO.

definitive moments....

2009-09-13T04:50:00.000-07:00

I was eleven years old when my sister and I read an interview with Leslie Phillips, one of our favorite artists, announcing that she was leaving the Christian music industry. It was startling to us as children. We loved this woman's work. She was rocky. She was something very comparable, in sound, to the secular music we weren't supposed to listen to.

She was releasing her final album, The Turning, and the interview hit just before the album's release. We studied the interview....we absorbed it. Something in me at 11 related to the utter frustration this woman was feeling with a world that was trying to lull her brain asleep. She said that the record company wanted her to say she had all the answers...but what she really wanted to do was ask the questions.

What a novel concept.

I have since lived my life asking the questions...and reveling in not knowing the answers. I should wear the word 'why' on a t-shirt.

I woke up this morning with this song's lyric on my mind. I encourage you to pick up 'The Turning'...It will most certainly be a companion in the journey. It has been in mine since 1987....It still awakens and provokes me....

In Dallas Next Saturday with Patsy Moore

2009-09-12T08:27:00.000-07:00

the combrogos

2009-09-12T07:39:00.000-07:00

Last June, as I've shared many times, I experienced the most severe devistation of my life. I keep going back to that moment perhaps because it is the most important thing that ever happened to me. It led me to a book called "The Passion of Mary Magdalen" by Elizabeth Cunningham. So many things in that book were confirmed and solidified for me as I read. She verbalized, through a character named Maeve, the person I've always felt I was inside. Reading the book was surreal, because thoughts, concepts and actual conversations I'd had with people, were put on paper. I've shared with Elizabeth many times that this book saved my life. It gave me a course of action. It helped me REMEMBER who I really was. I was no longer allowed to continue being the person that others wanted me to be. If that meant I was to venutre off and begin a holy whorehouse, then that was the order of the day.

In 'The Passion' and the prequel 'Magdalen Rising', Elizabeth created the concept of the combrogos, which simply means, 'the companions'....These are the people who are family...the people who are there for you when they disagree with your decisions...who stand by you and help you think through decisions...and are supportive regardless of the outcome. There was a circle of people around me with whom I felt kindred. I also had a person in my life who pretty much hated every single one of these people in my life.

A few months ago, I made the very difficult decision to severe my ties with this one. While discussing with one of the combrogos, she said 'What's the main reason for severing the tie?'. Without hesitation, I shared with her my revelation that if there is one who hates the combrogos, how can they be ONE of the combrogos?

The combrogos are the ones with whom I share community. There are many, but there is an inner circle...and I'm so, so proud that these are the ones with whom I share my life. In the past few weeks when things have been so emotionally challenging, they have been the light of my life. They have reminded me (there goes that re-membering thing again) that I am not alone in the truest sense. I am surrounded by love...

So to David, Kare, Elizabeth, Patsy, Andrea, Myrrh, Charlene, Leonard, Susaye, Pam and my mama Reba, I say I love you. Incurably.

randomness continued...

2009-09-10T14:06:00.000-07:00

1. it is a strange dichotomy to be 'on the verge' of the greatest time of my career and to be in the place that i am on a personal level. i said something similar in one of the randomness blogs last week, but it bears repeating. I am having the time of my life here in New York with my brothers. The synergy that we share, both musically and personally, is one of the most gratifying experiences I have ever had. They are, essentially, my soulmates in every way. On a professional level, the shows have been absolutely amazing. The summer tour was a dream. But after every show, I crash. I crash because while we are creating an incredible buzz and people are saying amazing things about us, I still financially am required to maintain this job that is like some sort of war torture. I am grateful for the provision that the Universe has given me through this job and goddess knows, I searched long and hard for this job...but it is, ultimately, the most torturous job I have ever had. I worked in the jails in Nashville and did not have the level of dread that I have walking into this place three times a week. I crash, as well, because I struggle with my singleness. I struggle with having met the one with whom I would like to have shared my life and to have had that slip through my fingers like sand. The question of dating now feels like I am reviewing job applications. It feels clinical. And honestly, most of the time, even contemplating the possibility feels like a waste of time. My brother told me to just focus on my career for now and the right 'one' will appear...and while I agree with him, it doesn't end this intense longing. I wake up at 2:30 or so in the am and lie in the bed, simply awake. I don't want to get on the phone and talk to anyone, I don't want to get online and work. I want to sleep. I want to be loved. I want to be held. I want to breathe. I want to know that I am going to spend the rest of my life with someone.

I think there are supposed to be more bulletpoints in a randomness blog...but i think that last one is like five or six points in one.

Some think I shouldn't expose so much of myself, but it's the only way I know how to do this artist thing. I'm not glossy. As my friend Pam Mark Hall recently said, "I'm far too messy to worry about appeasing my public"...and I guess that's how I feel...

I do love you all. Thank you for reading. Thank you for commenting. Thank you for being here. I'm just me.