The Tim Dillinger BlogSpot

New Site Up & Running

2010-07-11T06:07:00.000-07:00

This site has been archived. Join me at the newly developing www.timdillinger.com! There are already new posts there!

WE NEED YOUR HELP!

2010-05-05T12:09:00.000-07:00

Alright friends. We're in hot pursuit of the completion of our album. We need your help! All we need are 40 of you to give $25 to help us reach our goal!!! All those who contribute will get a free download of our next single and of my last solo project "The Muse"! You can paypal your donations to timdillinger@gmail.com!!! We can't thank you enough for being a part of us!

a conversation inspired by 'who is the real jesus'

2010-05-03T10:28:00.000-07:00

The most dreadful people I have ever known are those who have been 'saved', as they claim, by Christ--they could not possibly be more deluded--those for whom the heavenly telephone is endlessly ringing, always with disastrous messages for everybody else. I prefer sinners and madmen, who can learn, who can change, who can teach.

from Just Above My Head by James Baldwin (as spoken by the character, Hall Montana)

The past few weeks have sparked some really interesting dialogue. Intense Dialogue. At times, maniacal. I wanted to write about it, but I realized in attempting to write about it that the only way to really convey the adament hatred that permeates the foundation of fundamental Christianity is to copy and paste the direct dialogue that took place on my Facebook page between myself and a published, Christian author. It is jarring, shocking and sadly truly what he/she believes. They represent what so many others believe as well.

The sadder part of this is that this is not just some random person I met on Facebok. This is someone who actually knows me. I attempted to maintain a graceful stance in our conversations on this subject and during the last posts, realized that despite our relationship, I was dealing with someone who is deeply phobic, generalizing and discriminiatory. The conversation was not only disrespectful to myself, but to anyone who has ever been 'the outsider'...'the minority'...or 'the different one'.

Perhaps the saddest part is that no one who believes this way realizes exactly how deeply their root of prejudice runs is because the people in question are removed from human status and relegated to 'sinner' status...which moves from human to 'thing'...and 'object'...something ready to be thrown into the fiery pit at any moment...certainly not flesh and blood...or a brother/sister in humanity.

I look forward to your feedback on this. AUTHOR's comments are, for frame of reference, in response to my "Who Is The Real Jesus" blog.

AUTHOR: As to avoid being BERATED by your friends who CLAIM to come in peace, on my own thread, I say...well written. We don't totally agree...but well written. I find it interesting that you said you only subscribe to the written word of Christ and when I read Matthew 19...well, he speaks pretty clearly on his views on marriage...(man/wife)...so. And, I guess the main thing I'm missing (from your perspective) is that if Christ came to die for sin...then...he acknowledges that sin exists. He didn't come to ignore sin, he came to provide a way for us to be forgiven for it...whatever those sins may be. I think most of us have confused, at one time or another, how MAN has treated us with what CHRIST is about. He gets humanized.In my own walk, I am learning...to watch the FRUIT that comes from people's theology. I personally, in honoring the written word, have become a much better person. I love teachings from many writers (including a lot of your work). But it always tends to fascinate me how the Bible seems to stand...pretty firmly...on a lot of issues...timelessly. ...

People challenge, for instance, Leviticus and it's instructions on what to eat and not eat. People say, "I don't want to do that, I'll pray over it." Science says, "Yeah...pork and shellfish? Not so good." People want to debate the Sabbath. Recently read a report that Jews and Sabbath observers actually live 6-8 years longer than everyone else. People want to fornicate. Oh, the utter chaos from that "liberty". I'm learning to be more like, "Well...I'll use my directions...you use yours....we'll see where we end up." Enjoy your path. I'm Titus 1:8-9 on it at this point. I love you so, though. I got you in prayer. You are so my darling. You are a seeker. Always have been. So I have total peace. Christ doesn't need to be defended. He needs to be represented. On that, I think we are on the same page.

ME: You know I love you too. Differences do not mean dissention...or they shouldn't...nor do disagreements.

I have a whole 'nother theory on gender, which still, to me, radicalizes what people feel about the whole man/woman marriage thing...but I think that's another blog. If God is neither male nor female and we are spirit beings, that it kind of reduces the importance of our genitalia...but I'm sure I'll get stoned for that too.

As for sin, Jesus performed the work on Calvary. Done. Finito. Finished. Sin no longer exists. As I said previously, people then get to live life and deal with the consequences of their choices, good or bad. Period. Carlton Pearson deals extensively with this concept in "The Gospel of Inclusion" as does Peter Gomes in "The Scandalous Gospel of Jesus Christ". I highly recommend both.

Did Christ die for sin? Absolutely. Otherwise, a big percentage of us would still be taking doves and all manner of animal for sacrifice on a regular basis. I contend that most misunderstand the purpose of the crucifiction, hence we have the need for churches, pastors, bishops and the empire that has become the church. I so wish that people had individual walks with Jesus. If that were the case, then conversations like this would cease to exist...because everyone would have their own individual interpretations...and because of that, theological discord would cease to exist...There would simply be an understanding that 'the word' as it is is open to interpretation and understanding will vary based on that person's individual 'stuff'. But that is not the case...sadly...

I can say that co-existing in 'the church' or even amongst most Christians is an intolerable experience for me these days...because the minute dialogue outside of the 'the lingo' begins, everyone shuts down...in both inclusive and non-affirming environments. Logic, common sense or even the premise of individual thought are dismissed in favor of irratic and inconsistent 'faith'. There is one church in all of my experience that I thirst to be with and they know who they are.

I've come to the conclusion that my work--I hesitate in calling it a ministry because that would constitute 'leading' people...and I feel much more like I'm a gatherer--is for those who have ears to ear--versus 'converting' anyone to any school of thought. There are many who fellowship with me who disagree--but who find our common chord in humanity and can join without fear of their fruit rotting or whatever other fear tactic has been put in them by how they read the Bible.

I'm sure alot of this reads as negative or pessimistic, but after a week where I've gotten alot of nutty emails and dear friends told by a pastor that they couldn't jump the broom at their own wedding because it 'isn't in the Bible' my tolerance for this corporate universal Bible interpretation roll-out is at an all-time low.

I have no contention with your beliefs because I see that people with ears to hear what you have to say resonate with it and are blessed by it. All I'm saying is...that the same happens with mine. I still contend that there is room for all of us at the table...

AUTHOR: OK. Here I am. I get what you're saying. I still think there is some MAJOR editing going on. We are not *just* spirit beings. We are spirit and flesh. And, one of the things that I find to be...odd, is that one of my favorite Scriptures is Malachi 2:15; that the reason why we are two different flesh genders is so that we *can* create more of our own kind. And, yes, I am aware of Mr. Pearson's stance. I think pain can cause people to be very extreme. One thing I will say that makes me...uncomfortable about the traditionalism of Christianity is that people tend to humanize heaven *and* hell. People say what it will be like (if they believe in either) based on the voids in their own lives. BUT I will say that people often do that when they are hurt and angry too: create a reality that is *so contrary* to what hurt them. "No sin" is a really *radical* concept but it does help to explain why we have hit an impasse. I am assuming that to you lying is not a sin, murder is not a sin, fornication is not a sin...so yes, homosexuality, would not be a sin. I get that.

Yet, one thing that I think we both can agree on as well is that people are so "sin" consumed that they are not "purpose driven" (pardon that cliche) and so there is so much energy placed on if someone is going "to hell" for their choices as opposed to considering WHY certain things are put into place. I have never understood how a homosexual couple can fight for "covenant" (for example) and then break that covenant to create children. A man and a woman creates more if its own kind. Another thing I really don't get (and yes, I think you would be OUTSTANDING to provide some insight) is that if a man likes a man, why are there still "gender roles" played out? Why is there still, more times than not, an ultra masculine "role" and "feminine" role. If you like a man and you are a man...be with a man. And yes, I recall asking you quite some time ago to find me someone who had not been molested and was homosexual (since you've lived in NY) and your direct response was, "I think I might know one." That baffled me. There just seems to be a lot of confusion. And I'm still not clear on how all of these people, all of a sudden are now "My bad. I'm gay" when so many homosexuals claim it's not a choice. Everything in life is a choice. I do recall you saying, well implying, that it was because of the Bible that so many of us are heterosexual. Do you recall me telling you that I had a sexual experience with a girl in my teens? I have no desire for a woman. I find, for me, being with one would make my life very imbalanced. I loved how in the film, "Normal"...when the father was taking those hormone pills to become a woman, how it seemed like utter emotional chaos in their home: one woman menopausal, one girl on her period, one man taking estrogen. Yet that would be another convo entirely as well because there are so many "versions" of the lifestyle. I've never been under the impression that you want to be a woman. Although I do find it interesting that you refer to God as a "she" (I think I've mentioned that before).

And, as I've addressed in one of these 80 million convo chains, it's not just Christians who speak against the lifestyle. Many religions find it to be an abomination. So, just as you are weary of being "attacked", I am weary of the amount of homosexuals who tend to speak, quite ignorantly, on the Christian stance. Yes, because the Bible says it is wrong, I believe it is wrong. BUT it was after doing some research on *why* that I really became solidified in my stance. AND one thing that I often discuss with my homosexual friends is 1) if we all became homosexual, eventually, human nature would cease to exist and if you are someone who believes in the dark side of warfare and their being a spirit world that seeks to steal, kill and destroy (John 10:10), that seems like a brilliant way to address it.

It's not that I don't believe that homosexuals can love...all humans deserve that experience. But I do think that if things weren't meant to deceive, they wouldn't be deceitful. I don't think it's fair, intelligent or mature to assume that people who don't support homosexuality are automatically "phobic" or "hateful". I love you, I don't agree with your choices" and that's between you and the Lord. It's just that simple. It (not from you but many others) comes off as VERY INSECURE to "bully" people into having to agree with something. If you (general you) are so at peace with what you are doing...go about with what you are doing. Respect my right to not rally you on.

Which brings me to 2) I wish you and my other "love brother" Mario Nocentelli would become FB friends because his book on homosexuality (as a former homosexual) is very...interesting. One of the points he brings up is "Why do homosexuals want everything that heterosexuals have?" Marriage is a faith based union. If you don't subscribe to that faith, why are civil unions not enough? Two people of the same gender *organically* cannot create. Why are many homosexuals going outside of their union to "make" children? It just seems like a lot of confusion. And, I think because a lot of the people "coming out" seem to have so many "past pain" stories, a lot of people tend to discern it as "a traumatized response/reaction". Which brings me to Romans 1 and one thing I think a lot of people seem to miss. That because people put MAN before GOD, the Word says that many were given over to their lusts. The act is one thing. THE CAUSE IS IDOLATRY, which is another matter entirely. My bottom line (kinda) is that yes, I do believe that Adonai is BROAD, but based on the Word that I follow (2 Timothy 3:16) and the fruit that has come from it, any time that I put ANYTHING above what I believe to be purposefully true, then I am putting it before God, it's idolatry and things get...strange as a result. Sexuality is a complex matter for heterosexuals and homosexuals. I think very few people have a grasp on it. Matter of fact, one thing that I wish heterosexuals did (more) was focus on healthy sexuality within male/female relationships. My theology teaches that we are WAY OFF PURPOSE as well. I do find if fascinating how I don't hear a lot of homosexuals ranting and raving about fornication and adultery. I wonder how many find those "sins". Anyway...honey...all day we could go on this. I am really proud of the "wise as a serpent, harmless as a dove" approach that you are taking. You seem to be more vocal and I know you have wanted to be for quite some time. Time reveals. I am hear to love you in the meantime.

GUEST 1: Why do homosexuals want everything that heterosexuals have?" Marriage is a faith based union. If you don't subscribe to that faith, why are civil unions not enough? Two people of the same gender *organically* cannot create. Why are many homosexuals going outside of their union to "make" children?

The first part of this puts me in the mind of a movie "Mississippi Burning" when they interviewd all the people who said "Why all these N***** want what we decent White Christians have. They need to be happy with what we give them" but I digress,I have 2 friends who are marrying this weekend and totally support gay marriage and they said, "Marriage is a CONTRACT between 2 people if it was purly faith based we would not need a LICENSE to do it"

Civil Unions do no award the same rights as does marriage, seperate but equal doesn't work in this case cause there have been many documented cases were as one partner has passed on and the family of the other was allowed to come in and take EVERYTHING!! including insurance even if the partner was named as beneficiary. There was one case of a couple, one was a cop and she was killed in the line of duty and her partner wasn't able to get ANYTHING. so the civil union was of no use.

Many, many same sex couple have children "The Natural Way" so let's first say that and thank god for new adoption laws which allow children that heterosexuals have thrown into the system to be placed with loving same sex couple homes were they are loved and cared for as all children should be. Another thing before it is even said, children of same sex couples do not grow up gay or not knowing the difference. I know personally a couple who now has 3 grandchildren from thier HETEROSEXUAL children that they raised from infants.

Also Same sex couples who want to have children do just as heterosexual couples do that want children and can't, they don't go outside thier relationship but they either find a surrogate or a friend and do in vitro fertilization. I again personally know many and there are many celebrity's "Clay Aiken, Ricky Martin who both did. So if we are going to put it out there let's put it out there correctly.

GUEST 2: If we are doing faith by logic then we must view things as they are. For those that think homosexuality is UNnatural.

Animals in their NATURAL habitats and social structures have homosexual partnering, in fact the only time they leave that union is to procreate. It isnt taught, its simply instinctual. Not all animals do it. In fact God has created variety in which nothing is exactly alike. In fact the animals in the deepest places of the sea are known to even change thier sex (gender).

So one must be careful as to what they call Natural. It seems blasphemous to question the order in which God made things just because we dont understand it. We can put something as awesome as God in a small box and try to grasp the full meaning. The only road to this I know is raising our consciousness in the likeness of Jesus and loving our fellow man and women, and realizing our connectivity to the Divine, to the Earth, to each other.

In regards to who recorded the Bible and or documented this "sacred" book. They were men, imperfect men who recieved messages htat may have been inspired by God. But what makes their Godly inspiration different than my very own? I am inspired by God to write and sing many things, can I apply them to my fellow man and mandate it be followed to the Letter? Perhaps pass it off as a new Psalms and or Proverb? I dont think so, the Bible is not timeless and or firm on anything other than being outdated and so obviously written in order to keep society within certain cultural and ethical confines. In fact the only purpose of the Old testament is to somewhat validate "prophecies" that have been supposedly "fufilled". Jesus himself was the new Covenant, the Way The Truth and The Light. Everything before him and after him was and is dare I say.. CRAP! Pay attention to his actions because they truly speak louder than his words. Jesus himself living as a man with human conditions, fatigue, hunger, anger and Im sure other things to blasphemous to mention radically fought for justice, inclusion, love, and humility.

The fact of why Homosexuals wanting what Heterosexuals want could be found in matthew "Doing on to others as you would want others to do on to you." Its about treating others how you would want to be treated. Allowing others the same opportunities as you have, whether or not you agree with their choices.

And I apologize now... ok no I dont. If you believe that you could pray away Homosexuality or that its some "spirit" that rises up in ones body, you are sadly mistaken and in fact not intouch with reality. Gays cant pray homosexuality away no more than I could pray a Unicorn into existance.

ME: 1) I can't debate on the Bible tip....It is not the foundation of my faith nor do I believe that it is any more or less inspired than you or me or Miss Piggy for that matter. For me, to live within the confines of a book is not LIFE. Living by supposedly inspired books makes people fanatical...and it eventually becomes divisive. I am getting ready to host a Bible burning amongst a small group of family and friends...a ritual of sorts to represent taking the power back from this book...that has pushed its way into people's lives and taken them under assumed control. If Jesus really felt strongly about his words being carried on, he would have gone to a scribe and had them written himself....Everyone reads this collection of books and assumes then that they have the rules and regulations necessary...something that makes them dominate and RIGHT...and I don't need those things...I just want to live in the mystery.

2) I know you'll disagree with this, but I find your views on homosexual people COMPLETELY offensive. I totally get why your publisher wanted to remove the content from your book if it is anything like what you posted in this last thread. I love you, but I am a person. Not a thing. Not a scab. Civil unions to me are the "Colored Water Fountain" of this milleneum. Replace the words 'gay' and homosexual' with any ethnic group in your above post and imagine the wrath that would ensue.

Why do I want what everybody else has? BECAUSE I CAN. I am not a pedophile. I am in a relationship with another consenting adult...and one group of people does not own a word. You can choose to see racial discrimination as seperate if you want...but the words that you typed are indeed phobic and discriminatory.

What harm does it really cause hetrosexual people for homosexuals to be able to marry? You are welcome to believe what you believe...but you (general you) do not get to impose your beliefs on me...or restrict me based on your beliefs. If you are as confident in what YOU believe, why is there the need to rally so hard and vehemently against it?

If marriage is simply faith based and a heart matter, then why does the church rally against hetrosexual couples who live togeter outside of marriage? Marriage in 2010 is a LEGAL matter...let's be real.

3) I cannnot seriously address your beliefs on how gay couples conceive children because I refuse to believe that you are that naive or simple. The ways that we conceive children are not any different than they way thousands of hetrosexual couples have to conceive children.

4) The world is large and you will never have to worry about the 'whole world' being gay...unless of course, when it all boils down, everyone really IS gay at birth.

5) I really don't intend any of this as harsh...or defensive...it's stronger than the prior posts....but none is outside of the love realm. I'm a little saddened by some of what was in your last post...but that's just cuz I know you...and you know me. And that's my issue with living life by a book.

GUEST 2: I always found it funny that those who claim to have so much faith in a God who apparently cleans house (Floods,rain of fire, ten plagues, etc.) would feel the need to protest, hold rallies, shape hateful sermons for Sunday mornings, and vehemently speak out and write against such people they dont think are living "right". Seems to me if you have so much faith in your God (the almighty terrible one) then you wouldnt be so angry or so negatively passionate, you would simply sit back and let God do what He does when He is fed up...

Christians claim that God provided the perfect example of marriage and or union with man and wife and yet they ignore the fact that he allowed brothers and siters to procreate and marry, so obviously incest is natural and should be an example for "normal" family structure.

As far as the Bible burning... sign me up, it has to feel good to burn a book people have used to justify racism and mass genocide and countless deaths. The "God fearing" folk whom have lynched people, through countless women and men into fires, treated women like property and countless of other horrible things.

GUEST 3: Tim told me about this thread and, frankly, after reading it, I was a little hesitant to jump in because it is SO deja vu. I've been in so many of these debates over the years. Tim, this reminds me of the Karen Clark Sheard Electra Bulletin Board days, when all I wanted to talk about was music. I'll add my two cents because I, too, found some of the things AUTHOR posted about gay people to be offensive.

Regarding the BIBLE, and its purported infallability, GUEST 2 already mentioned that the Bible was a very human endeavour. As far as it's "timelessness", there are some principles in the bible--mostly in Christ's teachings--regarding how human beings should relate to and treat each other, that are timeless. But when we start to get into "trouble", as Tim mentioned, is when we dwell on specifics, the need to derive a "rule list" from the Bible, and CLAIM , to believe EVERTHING in the Bible.

I have challenged every Bible literalist to prove to me that their literalism wasn't selective. They all failed the test. I definitely believe that there are writings in the Bible that were inspired by God, but not everthing--and I was raised a Pentecostal. Human beings wrote the Bible; with human angendas, in the context of human cultures, transalated (and not always accurately) from original tongues by humans, AND, humans decided what writings would be included in what we know as "The Bible"; i.e. cannonization. I stated in another post, and I'll repeat it here, there are more God-inpired writings that need to be recorded--God is STILL speaking, and he/she (both/and...not either/or) is speaking through humankind's CURRENT life experiences.

The statements that AUTHOR made regarding same gender couples and procreating children are not worthy of a response, nor was the comment made about gay men having the need to assume "masculine" and "feminine" roles in relationships.

What has ticked me off the most about this discussion is the issue of marriage equality. "Why do homosexuals want everything heterosexuals have"? Because the Constitution didn't separate rights by sexual orientation. And marriage is not a "faith-based union". Marriage is a civil contract between citizens and their respective States of residence. Theology is irrelevant--it is a civil rights issue--plain and simple, and neither religion nor the Bible have a place in the argument. And no, civil unions are not enough. We want exactly the same CONTRACT--it is a contract for citizens--NOT heterosexual citizens. Any church that does not want to recognize or bless a same gender marriage doesn't have to. And no, historically, marriage has not been this "sacred" union between men and women. Historically, it was a way for men to own women as property. And while heterosexuals--particularly religious ones--love to morally pontificate to gay people about how "sacred" their man/woman relationships are, heterosexual marriage continues to have a 50% failure rate--to call that dismal would be an understatement. So those who want to "defend" marriage should probably advocate to make it more difficult to acquire a divorce, rather than fight to deprive same gender couples of the right to marry. I give you the following analogy: a same gender couple that have been together for decades cannot acquire a marriage license in the United States except in Massachusettes, Vermont, and the District of Columbia--YET--a man and a woman who JUST met, can stumble drunk into a Wedding Chapel on the Las Vegas strip, pay a fee, acquire a certificate of marriage, and be legally married--JUST because they are a man and a woman.

_________________

Mention on Huffington Post

2010-04-30T10:44:00.000-07:00

Thank you to my combrogo Elizabeth Cunningham for this mention on Huffington Post.

Please read and comment there!

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/elizabeth-cunningham/what-were-jesus-views-on_b_554230.html

Who is the Real Jesus?

2010-04-23T08:29:00.000-07:00

This past week, Christian artist Jennifer Knapp, confirmed that she is, indeed, a lesbian. This caused shockwaves in the Christian community. While many within the industry claim that it was not a surprise, Christian music's more naive and fundamentalist fans went off on a tangent. I innocently posted the article on my Facebook page and what descended from that was string of comments that ranged from offensive to genuinely naive to supportive to radically affirming.

It opened up a can of worms that went far deeper than homosexuality. It became a question of theology...and on a greater scale, it distinguished the followers from the seekers.

I remember being on the floor of my grandparents living room when I was three and hearing Reba Rambo for the first time...and the feeling that the music gave me. The God that I heard in that song was alive and living color. I was a child, so I had no idea about theology or dogma or The Bible or any of the trappings that have been attached to Jesus. I believe, in all honesty, that was the moment I fell in love with Jesus. On that floor, I had an experience that was so humble and beautiful and overwhelming, that I've never really gotten over it.

I am grateful that my first memory of life is something so significant and joyful, because what came after that was the opposite end of the spectrum. From that earliest memory, I knew that I was different. I knew who I was. I would spend the rest of my childhood and adolesence attempting to hide that. To others, I don't think it was so hidden; but it was moreso buried to me. I had no guilt about who I was until I started listening to other people.

I remember Arthelene Rippy doing a special on AIDS in the early 80s on her Christian television show called Single Act and my grandmother wheeling up to me and saying "That's why you can never have sex with a man: YOU'LL DIE".

Gasp.

It was one of my earliest encounters with Christian terrorism. So I threw myself into music. It was the one place I felt safe: the one place I could escape and capture that feeling I had on the floor when I was three. You might say I was a prodigy. I learned an incredible amount of music from the ages of 3 to 7 and began singing in every church service, and when I started kindergarden, I sang at school. I wanted nothing more than to be a Chrstian singer. My whole life centered around that vision...I spent every waking moment listening, singing, learning...in my mind preparing myself. I had two wonderful teachers in the second grade, Kira Wilson and Shawn Ewart, who saw something special in me. If I ever had teachers who loved me, it was those two. Mrs. Wilson set up an audition for me, ironically, with Arthelene Rippy and arranged for me to sing on Christian television for the first time.

I recently re-watched the video of that performance. I was 7 years old and had the opportunity to sing two songs. I hadn't seen the video in many years and what I saw jolted me. I looked into eyes that were overwhelmingly sad. In those eyes I remembered: being threatened with hell and physically shaken because 'man is not to lay with man as he would with a woman'; my preacher-grandfather making his bed with me for three painful years (which was just beginning at the time of this performance); the pressure of being a preacher's kid and having to put on the appearance that all was well; the pressure of hiding, hiding, hiding. It was all sitting there in those 7 year old eyes

Guilt was a voice with no promise of hope

The walls of my prison laid claim on my soul
Then out of my bondage, His voice spoke to me
No prison can hold you for I have the key

And I have gone to the mercy throne

bathed in the waters, where sins are atoned

That was the lyric that I chose, as a 7 year old, to sing on television. Dottie Rambo's "Mercy Throne" was probably never intended for a child to understand, let alone attempt to sing, but I did...It resonated with me. I felt continually guilty, I felt I was in prison, I felt I needed to be atoned. I met Paul Downing, of the southern gospel group The Downings, when I stepped off of the set that day. He bought me a soda and told me that I had a great gift. He told me that I would go far and to keep God first. It meant the world to me. I felt that I really could do it.

I kept singing through it all. The music was still saving my life...but the God that I was hearing about in church did not resonate with me. It all looked like a show to me. I remember being called on to pray aloud when I was 10 or 11 and stumbling all over the place with my words. One of the elders said to me: "Boy, you obviously don't talk to God...because you don't know how to pray."

I was seeing through it. Something felt false to me. I had already watched my mother wear the stigma of being divorced, another family friend wear the shame of rape, others be judged for their clothing and make-up: all of these people publicly denegrated for the events of their lives. There were the public controversies within the Christian community as well: artists losing their careers because of divorces, 'crossing over', or being deemed as 'subversive' to the body of Christ.

Music, however, planted seeds. Albums had much more of a theological impact that the Bible did: Reba Rambo's The Prodigal...According to Reba & Confessions, Teri DeSario's A Call To Us All & Voices In The Wind and Leslie Phillips' The Turning were the foundation of that theology. They had varying perspectives, but a thread of love, compassion and understanding were what wove these albums together. These albums were and continue to be signposts to me on the journey of faith. They also showed me what true artistry was: questioning, human and vulnerable. These artists stripped themselves down for the world to see. Dressing anything up was not an option...all they knew how to give was the truth, their version of it, plain and simple.

When I entered middle school, I was introduced to a new word that would forever change my life.

FAGGOT

It was shouted at me as I walked through the halls, when I sat at lunch, in the much dreaded locker room. It was whispered in my ear by those who sat behind me or next to me, slid to me in notes and scrawled across my locker. There is never an excuse for this kind of behavior...but let me add to this that I was not asking or drawing any attention to myself to provoke this. I was the quiet, introverted kid who simply wanted to get through with school so I could get home to my records and my dog.

It was horrific. I dreaded every day. I never told a soul that this was happening to me. I once had to lie about how I happened to come home covered in condements after the lunch room taunting went a bit too far (The only time a teacher ever stepped in). I knew that telling anyone at home would confirm their worst suspicions. I feared being thrown out, rejected and worse yet, being prayed over. My family was the kind that believed that homosexuality was a spirit. A demon. Maybe a part of me believed it. I remember dreading going to any type of 'revivial service' for fear the prophet or evangelist would somehow see this in me and call me out in front of every one.

Once, word got to us that 'the homosexual church' planned on moving near our church. My mother, an aspiring prayer warrior, carted me and a friend over to the property so that we could 'plead the blood' over it so that 'the homosexuals' would be blocked from buying it. I'll never forget the three of us standing in a circle, holding hands, and I stood there watching while they were 'binding spirits' and 'sending them back to the pit that they came from'. I wondered as we stood there if they knew they were talking about me.

This is why I could never tell anyone in my family about what I was experiencing at school. So I suffered in silence.

That same year, I met Joann. Joann worked at the local "Bible Bookstore". I was an inquisitive kid and I was annoyed that music was frequently miscategorized. So, I took it upon myself to re-organize them for her. She walked up to me and said "Um...Can I help you?" She tells me that I looked up at her and said, quite exasperated, "Well, this doesn't go here!"

She saw something in this chubby, crazy thirteen year old and took me on as a friend. My grandparents frequented the bookstore several times a week, and Joann and I became fast friends. She encouraged me to think and she let me talk. She was the first person who confirmed for me that I was not crazy: my family was.

She had turned me on to the music of Margaret Becker and for our Christmas concert at the church, I decided to do her rendition of "O Come, O Come Emmanuel". I asked Joann if she would come, but I forewarned her: "The people at my grandparents church are nuts....Don't say I didn't forewarn you."

I'm not quite sure if she thought I was making up the stories or not, but I'll never forget walking outside with her after the service and she said "I didn't think it was possible, but they are crazier than you described them to be."

But she remained my friend. She nurtured my intellectual and creative side: the spirit. We started writing songs together, she introduced me to Joni Mitchell's music and when I started driving, we had a regular Sunday night date. She knew every detail of my life except for my sexuality. I was so scared. I so wish that I could have shared it...but it was this pink elephant...that I'm certain everyone in my space knew about. Maybe it was my own discomfort that made them avoid it, or maybe it was their own...but our conversations gave me enough space to at least confront the deep matter: my core beliefs as it pertained to Christianity.

It was the first time I wondered why, if the Bible was so damned important, Jesus never actually wrote anything for it. His words are recorded in four books and beyond that, everything is written by...well...somebody like me. Was this a hyper-magical time and these people were ordained by the heavens that they shall be the writers of the holy word? These were the questions I kept to myself. As liberal as Joann was, she was always in her Bible...so I knew that her faith was secure.

I wouldn't deal with my sexuality until I was 18 years old, just out of high school. I had reconnected with my sister, Hillary (our parents dated from my 3rd grade year through middle school). She had just come back to Florida from California and we just happened to find each other again. It was just what I needed. She was no longer in the church, she had a polar opposite point of view and she challenged me.

I was in college at the time, working part-time, but suffering from overwhelming depression. Getting out of bed was a struggle. I felt like my life was a lie, but I didn't know how to change that without losing everybody I loved. During that time, only Hillary and my dear brother, Kenny, could get me moving. I would come home from class, if I wasn't working, and crawl in bed. I would come from work, and do the same thing. I had stopped going to church, I wasn't singing...I didn't know what to do with myself.

Hillary and I began having marathon phone session as we began our reconnection. One night, out of the blue, she asked. the. question.

Tim, are you gay?

I froze. I wanted to slam down the phone. I wanted to crawl under the bed and never come out again. I tried to open my mouth, but nothing would come out.

It's ok if you are, she assured me. I don't care. I was just asking. It just seems like...you're so afraid.

I think I am. I whispered.

Aside from fright, I have no idea why I didn't just say yes. I wanted to, but just couldn't say the words yet.

In spite of that, It felt like the greatest weight had been lifted. Somebody knew. And they loved me anyways.

It took another entire decade, however, for me to completely accept myself. I didn't date, I didn't have casual sex. The pendulum did not go either way, extreme or conservative...I just did nothing physically about my sexuality. I just emotionally accepted it and began to process what that meant for my life.

I slid back into the pew and church and threw myself in music and ministry. I started doing revivals, conferences and concerts. I went into the studio and started recording. I moved forward. I still couldn't yet let ago of what the Bible supposedly said..but on a greater scale, what the Bible was supposed to mean to me. As much as it didn't resonate with my heart, I was afraid of it. I was afraid of dying and going to hell. I had no clue how much illusion was controlling my life.

I would go to gospel music events with my brother, Kenny, and watch the church queens carry on. I got hit on on numerous occasions and invited to be a part of their 'secret society'...but I never did. That didn't feel right to me either. It was still a lie. I didn't understand the purpose of the fascade. The men with wives who really wanted to be with men. The younger guys following in their footsteps. The women who were really lesbians, but just portrayed themselves as single and powerful. I didn't understand the purpose of having relationships behind closed doors and having to hide it from the public. Maybe, for many of these people, it really is just about sex. But I didn't go through the hell that I went through to reconcile myself just to have sex. I went through the hell that I went through to have a fulfilling, monogomous and intimate relationship....one that I could see as holy.

During my last year in Florida, I had left the church I'd attended since I was 14, to go to a non-denominational church started by my pastor's daughter. I knew her and many of the people in her congregation and viewed as more affirming, albeit quietly affirming, congregation. For where I was in my life, I thought I needed that.

What I found there, instead, was the same confusison I'd witnessed at the gospel explosions. Oddly, I found myself on the ministry team, initially leading praise and worship, and then joining the staff of ministers. When I first got there, the ministry, and for the first time in my life, even the preaching, was refreshing to my soul. I felt uplifted and inspired.

Then we went to Detroit for the 'convocation' of churches organized by the Bishop whose umbrella we were under. I had never heard her preach before. I had only heard my church colleagues fawn over how "Bishop tells the truth". When I heard her speak, I was honestly appauled. I had never heard ministry so abusive, so unnecessarily harsh and tactless.

Yeah! I know you havin' sex!! You know how I know!!! I can smell it on ya!!!! Ya lickin', ya suckin', ya rubbin'!!! Ya gonna die of AIDS and go to HELL!!!!!!!!!

And the congregation went for it, lock, stock and barrel. They howled and appauled and gave her six signs of approval. It was like this for the next five days. She bragged of how abusive she was to her ministry staff, was intolerant of women who didn't wear panty hose and who wore open toed shoes while ministering, and capped it all off by wearing her Bishop's regalia at the grand ordination ceremony at the end of the week. The entire plane ride home, the aspiring ministry spattered on about their hopes of attaining a title and getting to wear the apparel.

I knew my days were numbered.

Sexuality matters aside, this was not a God I wanted anything to do with. I no longer felt beat up by their God, I was downright mad at Him. This was a sham...and I was sorry I'd wasted so much of my life chasing after Him, sacrificing myself to find His approval. I was done.

I moved to Nashville and allowed myself to venture out. I studied the Torah at one of the Synonogues there. I began seeing an Energy Worker and learning about Vibrational Healing (and did alot of work on my childhood and past life experiences) and ultimately, I found the Goddess as well. I never saw any of these things outside of the realm of God...They helped me understand who God was more. Yes, One God who has many facets, many definitions and many ways of expressing Him/Herself.

In 2007, I 'came out' in a very public way via Minister Gerald Palmer's radio show (ironically on a gospel music station) and then in a larger sense on my MySpace blog. I never expeected it to generate all of the attention that it did. The total number of hits on that blog far exceeded my total number of record sales times 5. It circulated via other people's mailing lists for weeks and had something like 10 pages of comments on it, almost entirely supportive. I began getting calls from Christian artists at various stages dealing with their sexuality and it was mind blowing.

I began involving myself in affirming ministries. It was exciting. I felt like I was a part of a movement that meant something to me. But what I found inside of affirming ministry was not really that different than what I experienced inside non-affirming ministries. My biggest problem with organized religion, in general, was far beyond sexuality. And maybe I didn't realize that in it's entirety until I was in a place that accepted that part of me.

There's also only so far you can go within organized religion, much like corporate America,, when they realize that you are not bendable...when you are not clamoring for the heirarchy's approval, but on the sidelines, with your own thing, with your own ideas. Church in this millenium is not about community or quite honestly anything that Jesus had to say. It is the church that Paul built. It is about politics and selling God to people.

The so-called born again movement in this country has about as little to do with real Christianity as a Xerox of a hundredth-generation print of the Mona Lisa has to do with the real thing. The born again movement is about obsession and narrow-mindedness and repression--and true Christianity is about mercy and freedom and love.

--Sam Phillips

A pastor in Nashville once warned me, after I'd taken praise and worship 'too far', that "You can't give the people a breakthrough like that...If you do, they don't come back. You have to take them right on the brink of it and pull back. We need their money in the plate every week."

Disturbing.

I countered that the whole point of corporate--or as I like to call it, united--worship is to do just that: to help the people find their breakthrough. If they never come back, I'm happy. They got what they needed.

Sitting in that conference, I longed for something else. Affirming ministry for what it is, was too centered around becoming mainstream. If affirming ministry was interested in grafting itself into what it viewed as the 'larger' body of Christ, I could possibly accept the agenda. Instead, it wants the trappings of becoming mainstream: fame, the right connections...wanting to be a part of mainstream Christianity for all the wrong reasons. Everybody wants to be somebody other than who they are.

**I interrupt this story by saying, please forgive my length...there is a point to all of this**

I went home and threw away everything I thought I was going to do that year. I had just begun corresponding with one of the Christian artists I grew up listening to whose work was so fundamental to me. She had recommended some books for me to read: Rudolf Steiner and Matthew Fox in particular. As my paradigms began to dissolve, my life began to unravel.

Through a series of events, I discovered, quite 'accidentally', Elizabeth Cunningham's Passion of Mary Magdalen. In it, she retells the Jesus story in a way that rang much truer to me than anything I ever read in the Bible. She described the Jesus I experienced on the living room floor when I was but a child. Outside of the music, it was the first time anyone had put words to Him. I saw him outside of the leatherbound book called The Bible. Apart from the horrible laws of the Old Testament, outside of the words of Paul who capitalized on them to legislate something that cannot be made law: love.

She described two communities. The community that her fictional Mary Magdalen created and imagined the community that Jesus had created as he treked the land, spreading His message...never writing it, but believing that it would live on for lifetimes...not in written form, but believing that people would follow His simple commands. Go Ye. Love Your Neighbor as You Love Yourself.

I was able to see, for the first time, the possibility of a true faith community: all walks, all beliefs...finding their way to The One.

We were the core of a community that waxed and waned, not unlike Temple Magdalen's population and in many ways the wandering band operated on the same principles: welcome the stranger, love your neighbor, break break with your enemy.

God has been called our Father. God has been called our mother. God has been born and reborn as a child. I am asking you now to know god as your lover, the one who fills you and surrounds you, who gives and demands everything. Yield yourself to him, to her. Lose yourself, find yourself. Remember.

(from The Passsion of Mary Magdalen)

After countless re-reads of The Passion, I decided to begin a new chapter. I came to New York and joined forced with my brothers Soulkiss. Around the same time, I actually met Elizabeth Cunningham. I saw her community in upstate New York. The first time I set food on the land, I knew I was home. There we were, all faiths and beliefs together, singing, dancing, eating, drinking, drumming...celebrating the one. It was what I wanted to do. What I wanted my life to be about...

So when Jennifer Knapp came out last week and I saw the hurtful and devistating dialog on my own Facebook page and on other Christian friends pages I saw how far we still have to go.

This isn't about homosexuality in the bigger picture. This is about allowing Christianity to truly be about Jesus, the author and the finisher, if Jesus was/is truly Jesus. God is so much more vast than a book: to confine Him/Her in that way, robs not only God, but us, of discovering the great mystery that IS God. I believe that God lives in the questions. It is in the not knowing that I feel most alive...and in the discovery, that I feel like the Spiritbeing that I am.

If we are, as the Bible says, 'living epistles', it can't mean that the words written and passed on by the authors of the Bible are the final authority. What is the point in re-writing the same book? If we are to do 'greater works', it means that their lives are no greater than ours. It means that there is still love to be perfected, miracles to be performed and people to accept.

Perhaps the greatest miracle we could ever perform is to sit together and dine...find that commonality...and throw away the need to convert anyone to anything. Maybe that's what we all really long to be saved from.

To say that Christ has unlocked all the doors, has given one answer, settled everything and departed, leaving all life enclosed in the frightful consistency of a system outside of which there is seriousness and damnation and inside of which there is an intolerable flippancy of the saved, then nowhere is there anyplace left for the mystery of the freedom of divine mercy, which alone is truly serious and worthy of being taken seriously.

--Thomas Merton

for this we were born

2010-04-09T13:29:00.000-07:00

I went to spend Good Friday with my dear combrogo and Soulkiss mother Elizabeth Cunningham. I love her community, High Valley. It is shared community...the SOULKISS community and High Valley are brother and sister, in a sense. High Valley is, perhaps, the first place I've seen outside of myself that really shares the same theological groundwork...and it is in the country in upstate New York. It has been my reminder of the home that I left in Nashville in so many ways.

The day before I left, we had a flood in our basement. That flood destroyed 1/4 of what I had literally just driven back to New York from Nashville. I walked downstairs to find my boxes flooded. I began frantically digging through them trying to salvage items from the boxes that were damaged. I lost journals, books, some autographed items, about 500 cds were touched, meaning that the inserts and tray cards are permanently watermarked, the same with my dvd collection and assorted other momentos from the last 34 years of my life. I stood over some of them for three hours blowdrying them. I felt violated. Angry at God. Sick of my life.

What else is required? I wondered to myself. What else do you want?

Let me say that the loss of the items themselves was not the issue. For me, my things represent memories. I remember where I was, who I was with, who it was a gift from...the story. My fear, as I looked at these items, soaked and irreparable was....I am now losing these memories...With the loss of these items, will the memories disappear?

I stayed up literally as late as I could that Thursday night drying out items and finally had to begin packing for my early morning sojourn to High Valley. I went to bed thoroughly disgusted and annoyed.

The train ride was calming for me. I love the river and riding along side the Hudson is almost like reading a really incredible story...It unfolds right before your eyes. The Hudson was to my left and on my right is alot of greenery and stone. The sun was beaming into the train: a welcome departure from the monumental (and flooding) rain that we'd suffered the entire week.

My mind asked a million questions as I rode. I let myself feel each of them. The music in my earbuds opened the space for me and I let myself feel a variety of things.

I have sung since I was three years old and, in that moment, for the first time in my life, I didn't care if I ever sang again. I have been tired of the business of music before...and I've definitely considered ending my professional pursuits before, but never have I been so drained that the act of singing was suddenly unimportant to me. I felt betrayed by the gift: betrayed because I had given up having a comfortable and consistent life to allow it to do what it needed to do...but it had not held up it's side of the bargain.

Why do you not benefit me in any way? I give myself over to you...and you never bring anything to the table. Everyone walks away with something but me. People are touched...healed even...and what do you do for me??? I get to go home to a pull-out bed, a degrading part-time job and a struggle to make the work, live or recorded, available to people.

Then my mind took more turns. What would my life be without music? What would my life be without any attempt at creative endeavors?

Those thoughts were even scarier...because I do not know the answers to those questions. I had never imagined that before.

The train stopped in this midst of this mental flurry and I got off to meet Elizabeth. Seeing her smiling face when I exited the station was just what I needed. Being in Poughkeepsie somehow reminds me of Nashville. It is green. The air is fresh. It is quiet. It is as if the elements are some kind of nutrient to my soul.

How would you like to take a walk? She asked.

I readily agreed and we drove a few minutes and arrived at the Walkway Over The Hudson. It was the first day I had experienced 80 degree weather in the longest time. I was a little sore from carrying boxes up from the flood the prior day, but I knew that I needed the movement of the walk.

As we walked, we discussed a plethora of things...of possibilities...and I shared with her how I was feeling about the work and on a greater level, about life. I rmember saying something to the effect of this:

Even performing has become an annoyance. There's the struggle to fill the venue, to schedule rehearsals with the band, to pay the band...and at the end of the day, it ends up feeling like a huge hassle in which everyone outside of the guys have to be convinced that it's worth attending.

Elizabeth looked at me and she said It sounds like you're trying to figure out who you want to be next.

I nodded and agreed. If I were entirely honest, in that moment, I didn't want to be anything next. I felt rather like Maeve in Elizabeth's books, who after living quite the life, retreats to a cave for an extended period of time. Alone, she sat and slept and rested, emerging as she saw fit, then retreating again. The thought of being and doing nothing for awhile felt like the most lucrative and attractive option.

That, however, was not a realistic option for me.

I spent my two days at High Valley basking in the community. We had a special Good Friday reading of Elizabeth's novel, The Passion of Mary Magdalen. It was so awesome to re-member these words that saved my life just less than two years ago. I was forced to accept that despite my feelings about 'the song' in the present moment, being there forced me to remember that Elizabeth's words had helped me find it during that dark night and that it had also brought us together just a few months after my move to New York.

Ah-ha. A benefit from the song.

Re-membering...

We read and cried and drank wine and remembered this man Jesus that we all, collectively, love. We went back to the house and I read a bit from Calvin Miller's The Singer, another re-telling of the Jesus story, but with Jesus as a singer, singing a song unknown by the world, therefore rejected....but knowing his call...and his responsibility to sing the song...

Elizabeth quotes Jesus in The Passion as saying...for this I was born....

I drifted to sleep, feeling a bit more hopeful, but still wondering...

Day 2 was so peaceful. We arose and colored Easter eggs, then visited Elizabeth's mother in law in the retirement community she lives in. The drive there was riveting. Long stretches of land, lakes and trees. I was drinking it all in. When we went back to the house, we all broke off to take naps to rest up for a Gathering of Eggs later that evening. I woke up and took a book down to the stream with me. I sat on a rock and asked the Universe for some answers. I could hear the stream ripple and flow....I breathed in and felt love and peace. I thought of my Soulkiss brothers. I thought of my mama in Nashville. I thought of Elizabeth and Douglas. I thought of the rest of the High Valley family.

Sometimes falling into a hole has to happen. The trick is choosing to climb out of it. I don't see the 'holes' I have fallen into as necessarily negative or unnecessary. They are actually, usually, essential. They force you to look up. You choose, in the looking up, to either stay in the hole or climb out. Sometimes you stay in the hole and enjoy the view while you gather the strength to begin the climb--but it helps you remember that there is hope in sight. And that's what I did at that stream.

The Gathering of the Eggs was so much fun. My sister Lynn was there with her homemade wine. My other sisters, Deb, Rhianna and Sue, were all there as well. Lynn and I collapsed on the sofa together and poured out to each other. Deb and I did the same a little bit later. We gathered around the eggs and sang a modified version of "They Will Know We Are Christians By Our Love":

We are one in the Spirit/We are one with the land/We are one in the Spirit/We are one with the land/And we pray that our unity will one day be restored/And they'll know we're connected by our love/By our love/And they'll know we're connected by our love

For a moment it was what life looks like ideally for me: Christians, Pagans, Buddhists, Gays and Straights, people from varied racial and cultural experiences, all standing in a circle, singing, celebrating our commonalities. It reminded me of the book I am working on...this collection of songs I want to record...the community that SOULKISS is bringing together...the call that is so intertwined with the music: bringing people together....

I headed back to Long Island for Easter dinner with my brothers and knew we had a heavy week ahead of us. We had a show on that coming Saturday, band rehearsal mid-week, rehearsal for an upcoming wedding and two recording projects.

Within two days, I felt myself beginning to go back in the hole. We sat in the living room as a begrudgingly rehearsed. David joked with me, saying that I fell into Cissy Houston mode, as I looked angrily at the floor and sang "Love Has Fallen On Me". There it was again. All the feelings, flaring up. Angry at slow ticket sales, wondering if we were going to make payroll, tired of scheduling conflicts with musicians. I forgot the purpose all over again.

It was my brother Kare who brought me back. He always seems to have 'the eye': the one that can see beyond the present moment into the divine purpose of us as a group, as a collective. I surrendered to his words. Surrendered to his faith, his hope, his sight: because it was far beyond anything I could feel or see...even after the beauty I experienced in the weekend away. Sometimes ones soul just gets tired.

I noticed a change in my sleep pattern. I typically rise at 4 am, do morning prayers with Kare, and start my day. It shifted. I would rise, do morning prayers with him, and climb back in my bed and sleep. I would normally feel guilty about not being up doing something, but I felt this whisper inside saying to let my body do what it needed to do. So, I started falling back asleep around 5:30 and getting up at 9:00 and then starting my day.

On Wednesday, I began to feel better about the show. Despite lethargic ticket sales, it was wonderful to be back together with our core band. We met in the city for rehearsal and had an incredibly productive time. We booked the room for three hours, but in actuality only needed it for an hour. Everyone was prepared. Everyone was on point and we sailed through the set list. It was an incredible feeling: one that was unstressed...bordering on joyful.

The day of the show arrived and there were still concerns. We had to reach into our own resources to make payroll...but I reached a place of peace regarding the show. I knew our combrogos would be there...and the owner of the venue has been so supportive of us, I expected the evening to be something special.

When we arrived at the venue, the first face I saw was Elizabeth's. In that moment, I didn't care who else did or didn't come. Our mother, our combrogo, our friend was there. We embraced and then saw more of our High Valley family at the table. Elizabeth's husband, Douglas, and then Marion and Ingrid. We sat down and began to talk. Others began to flow in and we hurriedly got dressed and ready to start the show.

I felt relaxed. The room contained a memory: Us, a year prior, still learning each other...still learning how to sing together, stumbling about on stage in front of about 25 people. We went home that night and wondered if we could really do this...If we were meant to sing together. The next night, at a gig in Brooklyn, we found each other in a very sacred way. So, to be with each other a year later, with a single out, having performed with some pretty incredible people over the course of those 365 days, it felt like a cause to celebrate.

We took to the stage and it was magic. It was, perhaps, the most comfortable we have ever been on stage. We felt supported by the band and it was like we had sunk into each other.

From the first note, it just felt right. Ms. Valerie Holiday from the Three Degrees was in the audience. I saw her waving her hand from her table, high church approval. Elizabeth was exhorting from her seat. I saw a table of 'newbies' in the back. There was a sense of marvel among them. We were all sharing this space.

Kare delivered a delicious Burt Bacharach's "God Give Me Strength", David served us Rachelle Farrell's "I Gotta Go" and I did Chaka's "Love Has Fallen On Me". I looked out and needed to acknowledge Elizabeth. In our minds, the mother of the group. I felt the love that I have for her so completely in that moment. As I began to tell the story of how we found each other, I felt the tears. It was standing there telling the story that it dawned on me.

This. This...is what it is all for.

As I thought about Elizabeth's journey: writing incredible books that seem to fall to a remnant of people who get it...As I thought about our journey, in a tiny venue with a remnant of people who get it...for this we were born. For this we were born.

Yes, financial acknowledgement would be nice. Yes, it would be nice to be able to go on tour and not have to pay for it ourselves, to receive acknowledgement on a larger scale, to not have to sacrifice in the way that we do to do what we do...but maybe, just maybe, for us to foster community in the way that we are...this is the way it simply has to be done. Perhaps a more pampered environment would somehow stifle or prohibit the gathering of souls that are gathering. If we're all about the earth, then it makes sense that our beginnings...our community are in the grass roots.

And I am not saying that those things will not and cannot come: but I am saying that I cannot resent and resist the moment because those components are not in place. For the moment is the miracle. I looked into the audience that night and saw these people, some of which have been to every show SOULKISS has done. They come, not just because they enjoy the music, but because in those 60 to 90 minutes that we perform, they are a part of a community...a part of something that resonates in that spiritual, tangible, gooey way that only Spirit does. I know it because they tell us when they hug us afterwards...when our courage in sharing our stories, gives them the courage to sit down with us and tell theirs. And they know that there is no judgement or condemnation...merely acceptance.

The world moves so fast. Perhaps that is my annoyance with shows like American Idol or Celebrity Apprentice. Or with listening to the radio. The world is looking for something 'familiar'...something recycled that they have heard before. I like taking the time to hear something I've never heard before...a melody that takes a unique turn...a lyric with a word I'm not familiar with...a movie that doesn't necessarily have a happy ending, but makes me think...or one that is shot without all of the special effects that seem essential to creating a blockbuster. I like sitting down with another soul for a heartfelt conversation and digging into the heart of the matter versus a text message with internet vernacular that spits out the point but looses the heart.

I hope that our community, the Soulkiss community, is a break from that fast moving world for the ones who find their way to us: a place where they can take the time to feel, to cry, to tell their stories and sing along with us as the wine flows. Our song may not be familar to the ears, but it will be to the heart...if it is merely, just slightly open...

For this we were born.

stream of conscioussness blogging

2010-03-28T18:28:00.001-07:00

I had a million different things that I wanted to write about tonight. Tonight: the first time I've actually blogged in a very long time.

It's been hectic as of late...which has never really mattered before. I've always taken the time to write...to get it out, to express, but lately that has been an arduous task. The song and I have been bantering. The song is a double edged sword. To know what you are supposed to do with your life from your first moment of recollection is quite a responsibility. I spent my first 30 some years pursuing that with wreckless abandon. In the midst of my 33rd year, all of that changed.

I found myself probably at the same kind of crossroads many at that age (including Jesus) face/faced. I wanted to give it all up for another life. A life with a partner, with children, with something in one place that didn't require the kind of gypsy life that this artistic one seems to demand. I'm not quite sure what happened in my pursuit of that 'other' life, but all I can really say in retrospect is that it wasn't time...and the song did what it needed to do to keep that from happening. More spooky kinds of folks would say I subconsciously set things up to fall apart so that I could continue to pursue my dream...I beg to differ. The song, the one inside of me and outside of me all at the same time, did it.

So here I sit with this 'other' life that was presented to me. I'm living in New York with my brothers Soulkiss, my adopted 'son', Ron and we are approaching our 1 year anniversary as a group. I love what we are doing, I love where I am at...but I can't lie...there are days I want to run away from all of it. There are days I want to get a full time job with benefits, buy a car and have a 'normal' life: a life that doesn't include selling concert tickets, marketing merchandise, rehearsal scheduling, paying studio musicians who show up unprepared, and convincing people at every given opportunity that you are talented and put on a helluva show.

But instead, I keep--we keep--moving forward. A few weeks ago, my friend Toya told me that my life has been an adventure...and I guess I'd never really seen it as such. I see the pull out bed, the backaches, the unpaid pills and the part time job. I went downstairs and went through one of my boxes that I had recently gotten out of storage. I found letters from people I'd admired through the years, pictures from my travels, and some press notices. Then I found a video of myself on television for the first time when I was seven years old. And I realized that she was right.

I was brought back to a point that I am always brought back to. The art never frustrates me: I am always frustrated by figuring out how to make money to sustain myself doing it. I then remind myself that I would create whether I got paid for it or not...and frankly, I enjoy it more when I don't have to worry about that. So, it's back to that age old matter of trust...Trusting that the universe already has a way paved...and that I merely have to continue creating simply because I love it...following my muse because that's what I do...not concoting some brilliant scheme to hook people into buying anything...

Being in that place helps me appreciate these moments that I will never get back: sipping plum wine and eating fried chicken and macaroni and cheese with my brothers, blogging on this pullout bed that has been mine for a year and three months while I watch 'All My Children', and enjoying the warmth of the cat (Neema) on my lap, while she purrs and simply enjoys being close to me.

And this blog still didn't turn out how I'd planned...when I started writing...I thought it was going to be entirely about the cat...but obviously the muse had other plans :-)

On a creative note, the guys and I spent Saturday in the studio putting the finshing touches on our next single. The album is coming together...We're gearing up for our show at Billie's Black on 4/10...And then we're in the studio on lockdown until the summertime and we'll hit the road in the summer again.

Be sure to pick up "Good Intentions" on iTUNES!!!

first SOULKISS review

2010-03-18T15:58:00.000-07:00

http://soulchoonzreviews.blogspot.com/2010/03/soulkiss-good-intentions-2010.html

SOULKISS single NOW AVAILABLE for DOWNLOAD!

2010-03-16T08:24:00.000-07:00

We are proud to announce that our first single, "Good Intentions (written by the great Nona Hendryx) is now available for download on amazon.com. It will be on iTUNES before the week is up!

Click here to go to the amazon.com link!

Also--I will be on Robert Wesley Branch's talk show tomorrow (Wednesday) at 12:30 PM EST. Go to www.blogtalkradio.com/robert-wesley-branch to tune in!!!

SOULKISS 1st ANNIVERSARY PERFORMANCE

2010-03-09T12:48:00.000-08:00

Purchase with the link on the right side of the page!

preview the new SOULKISS single

2010-03-09T08:28:00.000-08:00

going down makes me shiver

2010-03-08T17:50:00.000-08:00

love has fallen on me

2010-03-01T19:03:00.000-08:00

new tattoo

2010-02-28T18:29:00.000-08:00

Sunday Service

2010-02-23T05:21:00.000-08:00

SOULKISS on Huffington Post!

2010-02-19T03:22:00.000-08:00

Hey everybody--

I'm off to Nashville for a week...Sitting at the airport now...far too early! So early, there's no coffe and they won't let me check my bag yet...BUT!

The good news is, SOULKISS is on Huffington Post!

Check the link and please comment there!

Here it is: SOULKISS on Huffington Post

soulkissing @ the triad

2010-02-16T18:32:00.000-08:00

This past saturday in rememberance of valentine's day, SOULKISS did a show at The Triad in NYC. Almost a year to the date of our inception, we did our first show without a guest since June. We had been rehearsing for it since November--quite manically. We went through Thanksgiving and Christmas learning these songs, building a new bridge of memories, inclusive of the sentimentality of the holidays, as well as the drama of our fights. In the midst of these fights, our harmony grew tighter. Perhaps in each moment of contention, we realized our love for one another ran deeper than the roots of old trees, so we simply relented and gave in to the call.

We started Saturday morning doing a radio interview with our friend and brother Robert Wesley Branch on his new radio show. The rest of the day was pretty much a blur. Our MD, Ron Gilmore, had must relocated here with us from Nashville and from the moment he got here, we were in rehearsals, attempting to bring two new musicians up to speed with the music we had been working on for months. My memory of rehearsal is the last one, where my brother had to pull me out of the room. Full of attitude, I was annoyed. Annoyed because it was reminiscent of so many years of experiences of musicians waiting til the last minute to learn the songs that were my life's blood. Only this time, the songs belonged to the three of us and I felt we deserved more. We always come to rehearsal prepared.

In that last rehearsal after Kare gave me the pep talk, we went back into the room with the musicians and Holy Spirit fell. I felt that all too familiar twitch in my side, the heat eminating from my hair, and the overwhleming urge to SANG. I let it all go and knew we were going to be okay.

When we got to The Triad on Saturday night, it was another all-too-familiar experience. The show prior to ours was running overtime, the staff greeting us was condescending too our audience and us for arriving on time and shushed us as we waited. I felt the hairs on the back of my neck beginning to stand up. I chanted quietly inside and stood quietly alone by myself, breathing through a moment that made me want to rant and rave.

We were finally escorted to the dressing room and I began to feel calm again. We were greetedby three roses from Lynn & Deb at High Valley. I put on the coat that my mother sent me for Christmas, stuck a feather from our dear friend Lynn in the pocket and looked in the mirror at this mane of red hair and exhaled. David came back and told us that our combrogos Elizabeth Cunningham and Sarah Dash had arrived. I went outside to greet them while the guys dressed.

I hugged Sarah and her guests and went back to the dressing room where the guys and I held hands in a circle and chanted. I never get nervous, but I felt even more centered than usual--sleepy actually and got ready to hit the stage.

From the beginning of the show it felt like magic. Every thing moved somewhat magically. We opened with "You Take The Clouds Away" from my first album and then right into David, leading Rachelle Farrell's "I Gotta Go" and then Kare's showstealing version of Bill Withers' "Use Me". I had decided to do Charles Stepney's "Love Has Fallen on Me" (recorded respectively by Rotary Connection and Chaka Khan) and I felt that feeling again. Holy Ghost. The harmony that happened between the three of us was magic, plain and simple.

The show seemingly flew after that. Lots of moments. We did The Emotions' "Blessed" amongst others, but the audience was with us in more than just the "Gosh, you guys can sing", kind of way. It was community, it was oneness...it was Temple Magdalen. Everything Elizabeth ever wrote about in her books was manifesting right before our eyes...but most significantly, in our hearts.

We hit the evening's climax with the final song, Labelle's "Going Down Makes Me Shiver", and there we were. Wading, splashing (the guys tell me that I actually WAS splashing while I sang) and there was Sarah front and center, the one who in my mind was the definitive vocalist on the song and I felt like I was in a dream.

I felt the audience swell with us...perhaps we were rolling beyond the 9th wave...and I knew that we had all arrived someplace: one with each other, sharing this experience.

Afterwards, we greeted our guests and I was awed by their tears, their words, their feelings, their experiences...their sighs...one used the word "yummy"...and I got it...because it was yummy to me as well...

I'm honored that Elizabeth chose to utilize one of her Huffington Post columns to talk about the show...I will post a link for it in the morning...but I had to let you guys know how amazing it was for us for on stage.

I don't know the details of what is ahead for SOULKISS, but I do know that we are building something together...something that will touch people in a significant way...because it's already touching US that way....

Donations Now Accepted

2010-02-07T07:29:00.001-08:00

People often ask how, beyond purchasing the existing merchandise, how they can help the work continue. The greatest way you can help us move forward is through your donations.

I am an independent artist and all of the projects that I am involved with are carried forth without the financial foundation that a record company, manager or other affiliations provide. The projects are recorded out of my/our pocket.

So, here is a way that you can become an active part of creating the music that you have let me know you love. If you donate $10 or more, you will receive a free download of the next project, which these funds are going towards creating. I thank you in advance for continued support and all of the love that you have shown me since my solo career began in 2004.

All my love.
Tim

full circle

2010-02-04T06:03:00.000-08:00

When I was growing up there was a magazine I looked forward to reading every month. CCM. It came to stand for several different things through the years: originally Contemporary Christian Music, then it morphed into Contemporary Christian Magazine, then back to it's original definition. In horrid economic conditions, it stopped printing last year and became an "online magazine". CCM is now Christ. Community. Music.

Let me be honest, for the past decade or so, I rarely purchased the magazine. After 1988, Christian music started morphing into something that I had a harder and harder time relating too...and the artists became more and more alike. The artists that I did discover within the genre, were most likely never covered in the publication.

When I was a child however, I dreamed of either being an artist featured in the magazine or perhaps being a writer for the publication and interviewing the artists that I loved. It was seminal for me. When I was 5, we walked into the Christian bookstore and I remember clutching that April 1980 issue with The Rambos on the cover and reading and re-reading the article over and over. A few years later, Donna Summer graced the cover and I realized that you could be a Christian and sing something other than 'Christian music'.

In 1986, Steve Camp caused quite a stir when he used the word 'bullshit' in an interview while advocating for artists to be more than entertainers, but to see themselves as theologians.

In 1987, they interviewed Leslie Phillips and she announced that she was leaving the Christian music industry. She told the truth about the business: that the executives and audiences wanted answers, not questions...and that she simply wanted to be an artist who asked questions. It shook my faith...not so much my faith in God, but the faith that I had that I could ever be a part of that world. I was eleven and already had questions that seemed to frighten people.

So this morning, a year and some change since they became an e-zine, I went to the website and took a look around. As I looked through the website, I saw a tremendous age gap between me and these kids. I felt like...I dunno...their older uncle. I saw the thread that ties the contemporary Christian music of today with that of the past...but I didn't see anyone asking questions...or being provocative...or challenging the system to expand. I saw incredible marketing and imaging...and I know there is a place for that...but I still didn't see anyone that represents those of us on the outskirts---who have strong faith, but could never, ever clone...no matter how hard we might try.

It made me sad because I realized, as in the mainstream world of music as well, none of the artists that I grew up listening to would be on any label's roster today: Keith Green, the modern day John the Baptist, who, in my world, ate locusts and honey and was a voice crying in the wilderness. Teri DeSario, the Hildegard of Bingen, who wrote such a beautiful message of oneness and self-discovery. Steve Taylor, satirist and performance artist, who challenged mediocrity and prophesied the rise of the megachurch before anyone really knew what that was.

Where are these kinds of artists?

I speculate--as a now outsider--that they don't exist. Individuality is scorned, so everyone morphs into 'the clone' (another wonderful concept introduced by Steve Taylor) and cashes in on the masses: moving from megachurch to megachurch, selling merch and collecting love offerings....lost in 'the system'.

For the past month, my muse has been reminding me of the artist I wanted to be when I was growing up and how it is time to allow that voice to intergrate with who I am today. It is all a part of bringing these worlds together. I've never been able to subscribe to seperatism in any sense: spiritual, cultural, racial, sexual. There has to be an integration of humanity...an elevation of the consciousness.

I keep hearing talk of the 'emergent church' that I know exists--and it is not just comprised of physical structures. It is about these small, streaming communities everywhere...who live the life of Temple Magdalen...where the stranger is received...where we see the God in one another...and we see the value in what each brings to the table. A place where we can celebrate the fact that we have differences of opinions rather than fight and war over them.

So, in my attempt to fulfill that, I am slowly working on a collection of songs from my youth that shaped me...and am pulling in artist friends from that world to perform that with me. It is my small attempt to build a bridge...to make the possibility visible...to create that space. I am having such fun listening to these songs, seeing what they mean to me now as opposed to what they meant to me back then.

It is a full circle experience for me...and one that I wish hadn't taken me so long to get to. I feel like a part of me that I had frozen is being loved back in warm, rich life...like maybe, I'm finally coming back home...where I belong.

random

2010-01-27T11:54:00.000-08:00

just a quick note...

working on the next piece for the new book. will post the rough draft sometimes this weekend. working on this book interactively seems to work for me. the feedback and your stories are a great source of inspiraiton. feedback is still coming in from last week's 'christendom' blog....so thank u!

we're working feverishly in rehearsal for the upcoming NYC show. it's gonna be incredible. details are on the banner and you can purchase tickets by clicking on the link on the right side of the blog!

please be sure to support our combrogo Elizabeth Cunningham. Maevensong is now on iTUNES as well as CDBaby.com. (www.cdbaby.com/cd/ecunningham)

Experiences in Christendom

2010-01-21T12:34:00.000-08:00

I grew up in an ultra-religious, right wing home. My grandfather was a pastor, but it was moreso my grandmother who was the motor in the engine. She was crochety, angry and most certainly a warrior for the Terrible One. Her way was His way. She had been in a wheelchair since her teenage years (stricken with polio during the epidemic in the 40s), but had the verocity and will of a truck driver. In as many ways as she was amazing, she was equally frightening. I would go so far as to say mentally ill.

When I was growing up, movies were strictly forbidden, as was 'secular' music of any kind. She once found Barry Manilow 8-tracks that my mother had hidden in her bedroom and went on an anti-sematic rant about him. She also found her Bee Gees 8-track and somehow concluded that it had something to do with the occult because it was called "Spirits Having Flown". This is the sort of foolishness that was commonplace.

I was only allowed to listen to Christian music. There were also confines within that world Certain singers, she said, didn't sing in the Spirit but rather 'in the flesh', which was somehow sinful. That conclusion already confused me. When the Bee Gees sang ABOUT the Spirit they were Satanic, but when others sang 'in the spirit', it was ok. That's alot for a four year old to process.

Anyways.

She was obsessed with Christian television. When we got our first VCR in 1983, she began what became a lifelong obsession with taping every possible moment (I can't lie, I would kill for that collection right now) and committing passages of the shows to memory. Jim and Tammy Bakker (who I always liked: they weren't fussy or judgemental), Pat Robertson (who always looked like a human Yoda), Paul and Jan Crouch, Jimmy Swaggart, Ernest Angely, 100 Huntley Street, and on and on and on.

When I was eight years old, we took the first of several summer vacations that would take us into the megaworld of Christendom. She wanted to go to a taping of "The 700 Club", so we hit the road in our huge, yellow stationwagon (my mother, my grandparents and I) and drove from Pinellas Park, Florida to Virginia Beach, Virginia. Us on the road together is fodder than I wish had been captured for reality television (If only it had existed then). We had to stop every night at a motel so that my grandfather, who did the majority of the driving, could rest. We couldn't just stop at any motel, however. They had to have a pool. "For Tim", she would squeal, everytime we passed a motel that didn't have one. Mind you, on these overnight stops, we would merely sleep and get back up the next morning and start again...so the pool was quite irrelevant, but my grandfather, who was quite subservient, would keep driving until we found a motel with a pool.

During the day, he would frequently miss exits we were supposed to take, which would elicit the dog whistle scream of my grandmother. I lived with my headphones on, trying to drown out the bickering that would inevitably begin after a few hours on the road. They would check to make sure I wasn't tuning into a 'secular' radio station and would search my cassette case to ensure I hadn't procured some devil music.

I will say that the Pat Robertson of that era (mid-80s) was slightly different than the one that has seemingly gone from simply being ultra-conservative to being insane. "The 700 Club" in that era was an attempt at being a 'magazine' news show that showcased a very 'safe' look at Christian culture. They featured contemporary Christian music--but not too edgy or 'rocky', and rarely black; any 'secular' entertainers that made a rare appearance on the show were scrutinized and clearly schooled on what was acceptable to say and what was not, and the political views were very much what they are today. Pat was at least offset at that time by the feminist and liberal co-host Danuta Soderman who would actually laugh out loud at some of Pat's view points and challenge him on air.

I wish that there had been something bold that happened the day that we were in the audience, but it was actually quite mundane. I wish that I had retained something that they discussed on that particular day...but it was simply...boring.

It was our next adventure to Baton Rogue, Lousiana to attend Jimmy Swaggart's "Campmeeting" that was quite life changing for me.

I must interrupt the story to say that I was lucky enough to grow up at a time when Christian music had not yet quite morphed into a full throttle industry. It was definitely headed there, but the range of artists was quite diverse, their viewpoints, thankfully, introduced me to a variety of Jesuses, and gave me room (as a 8 to 10 year old who was enveloped in a world of Jesus) to begin formulating and getting to know his own. So even with as heavily monitored as my musical selections were, the music spoke to me very individually...and was probably more subversive to me than the music my family hoped I would never hear. Having said that, this Jesus who was opposed to the National Endownment of the Arts backing of Robert Mappelthorpe and who took the time to play rock and roll records backwards to hear encoded Satanic messages was quite disturbing to me.

Our road trip to Baton Rogue was riddled with disaster. My first memory of this trip was carrying my suitcase outside for my grandfather to put in our luggage cart on top of the infamous stationwagon and being chased by a leaping snake. I leapt on top of the car and screamed at the top of my lungs, petrafied, certain that I just entered the pit in Raiders of the Lost Ark (Yes, my mother had snuck me to the theatre to see it when I was a small. My nightmares of snakes gave away our unfortunate secret).

Once we hit the road, just as we hit the state of Georgia, the car started making a strange sound and finally stopped. My grandmother started yelling, I turned on my headphones and blanked out, so I missed the intial diagnosis that my grandfather came up with. We stopped at a hardware store and he put in a gas filter, filled up with gas and we hit the road again. A few hours later, the same sound happened, only this time, if memory serves me correctly, we started losing gas rapidly. More screaming ensued and we found a car repair place. A few hundred dollars and a day later, we were back on the road.

Another pastor-couple friend of my grandparents met us in Baton Rogue for the conference and they were in heaven. Jimmy Swaggart played the piano and sang the first night, then he preached. The crowd applauded. I breathed a sigh of relief. It wasn't as bad as I had thought it would be. But then I found out that there were 'day sessions'.

My mother turned and looked at me and pointed at one clinic in particular called "The Dangers of Christian Rock", which was being conducted by Donnie Swaggart, Jimmy's unfortuante son. The church was packed for this session. One must understand that at the time, Christian music was reaching a new pinnacle of success that allowed it to operate outside of the framework of the local church. Christian artists were beginning to perform in theatres and mid-size arenas, which was quite a threat to the pastors. The theology of these artists was also quite a threat and I guess in their minds, something had to be done to bring this all under their control.

For two hours, I listened to Donnie Swaggart tear apart the artists that I loved. Nothing was sacred. He talked about Rez Band's Wendi Kaiser's unshaven legs (which I guess made her the type of woman you wouldn't want your kids listening to) and he accused another band member of adultery. He quoted a Newsweek article about Sheila Walsh and made their compliment of her 'blending the sacred and the sexy' into something terrible. He made the sacrifice of studying Stryper closely enough to tell us that you could see the outline of their genitalia in their spandex pants and then read us David Wilkerson's (another angry prophet for the Terrible One) account of seeing demons dancing at a Mylon LeFevre concert. And then, the big dog, Amy Grant. He dished the dirt on her husband, Gary Chapman...how they had gone to Bible college together and how degenerate he was. Then he told of how he called his degenerate friend and asked for a backstage pass to Amy's concert when they came to Baton Rogue and talked about how 'frenzied' the audience was and that Gary supposedly bragged on how Amy's controversial interview in Rolling Stone had given her career just the boost in needed. He judged her for talking about a Prince concert she had gone to see and summed it all up by telling these people that their children would be 'forever lost' if they let them listen to this music.

Mid-way through this, I put on my began crying. Crying because I knew what this session was going to bring about. The number of artists I was allowed to listen to was already so small. This was going to narrow it down significantly. Crying because these artists that were being denegrated were doing what I understood Christians were supposed to be doing: explaining their faith in a way that people outside of the confines of church could relate to...not just catering to people who already went to church and making a quick buck off of them.

My mother looked at me with a look that I never saw again until I saw Edina Monsoon on Absolutely Fabulous telling her daughter Saffron that she had to go to the hospital. She said: "You know what this means".

We got up when the session concluded and she bought me $100 of Jimmy Swaggart's recordings. Just what every ten year old wants! The remainder of the cassettes I'd brought with me (minus Sandi Patty's) were taken and I was informed that my record collection would be thoroghly searched when I got home.

And it was.

Perhaps this is the moment that it all, on some level, became bullshit to me. Maybe that's when man-made rules became irrelevant. I was a child so, on some level, it made me very angry at this entity called God...because even though the one that I knew and experienced was not this one, THEIR God seemed so much bigger and so much more powerful than mine. My faith journey has been long and winding...and one that I am just beginning to fully understand.

The minute I began working and earning my own money, I began rebuilding my collection (and still am) with the work of the artists that I was forbidden to listen to. When people ask me how I can relate to this music that sounds, to them, miles away from where I am theoretically miles away from where I am, I have to tell my story...this story...so that they can hear why it resonates so deeply with me. That is what makes it all align so perfectly from my viewpoint.

I recently went through my music collection and loaded 160 songs on the Shuffle that my brother is letting me borrow. When I did that, I realized that 80% of the music I chose is from this era: songs of faith that portary an inclusive God who has a plan for our lives...a God that encourages me to see myself as He/She does: in His/Her image and an equal with my brothers and sisters in humanity.

I thank these artists for enduring what was that generation's equivilent to a witch hunt, minus the physical lynching and burning, but equally as emotionally devistating. They had and continue to have the courage to live in hot pursuit of understanding the divine mysteries and articulate them in the way that they see them--which is really all that the apostles, prophets and historians who wrote the books encased in the Bible did. If we really are living epistles, isn't that what we all should be doing despite the price?

keepers

2010-01-15T07:34:00.000-08:00

It's actually been two weeks since I last wrote. The 'Jesus Too' blog brought so much correspondence, and actually has inspired the concept of what will be my next book.

In the midst of that, life continued to happen. Tedious things that artists shouldn't have to contend with. Jobs. Financial stress. Car trouble. The bus. Discontent with my place in the world. On and on. I attempted to watch television for a distraction and only got further irritated. Pop culture. Brainless consumers. Heartless executives selling cardboard and plastic with recorded sounds and branding it as art.

One of my brothers watched "American Idol" auditions in the other room, while my other brother and I bantered about our creative journeys. I heard the mini-voiced teens fame chasing through the door while we talked and it seemed to fuel our conversation.

The conversation lingered for me as I went to bed and has stayed with me as the week has progressed. Perhaps what I have to say today will get me branded as a snob. Perhaps it will get me branded as even worse, but as our beloved Millie Jackson once said, I haaaad to say it.

I look back at the artists that have so influenced me and am grieved that if they emerged today, the opportunities that they were afforded 30 years ago to create the art that shaped my life would not exist. Not because they are not brilliant, but because they are, by today's standards, not marketable. Not all of them were necessarily pretty, not all of them were necessarily personable, but they made music that transcended the visual. Listeners (who I must say were far more intelligent 30 years ago as well) could feel the music simply because they felt the music: the voice, the music, the lyrics that were coming thru the speaker into their world.

Artists were also allowed to be talented. I'm sorry. Most of these kids now couldn't sing a song that had a melody line of more than 3 notes if their lives depended on it. Artists were developed...they studied...they were interested in taking their natural born gift and maturing it into a craft. I've spent my whole life attempting to do just that: to live the song: to find my voice as an artist.

That pursuit has taken me many places. I've had the Mattie Moss Clark-ish teachers who were rough, who yelled, who hit, who threw things, but they made me a better singer. I've had kind and considerate teachers who would read my writing and say "You can do better", and I did. I've had teachers that I never met...the ones who wrote books and made albums that I studied like a textbook. They all shaped me. I'm grateful for all of them. There are teachers still in my life...because there is always something new to learn.

I've left home, moved from city to city, travelled around the world (on my dime), slept on couches, pull out beds, floors, roach infested motels, slept 8 in a room, not eaten, not gotten paid when promoters agreed to pay, swallowed my pride, worked full-time jobs and flew out to conferences to network on the weekends on little to no sleep, met alot of great people, gotten a nice amount of acclaim, but in the big picture, have not been able to figure out how to make this art thing sustain me. I haven't owned a car in almost a decade and have lived a very meager life to make the art a continually living organism in my life.

I've had managers (and labelheads) who, perhaps with good intentions, saw my 'potential' and attempted to mold me into something that I did not want to be molded into. I have made concessions through the years in the heart of collaboration, but in retrospect, I regret even those (theoretically regret them that is...we all know everything happens for a reason).

Lately, there have been alot of down days when I look around and wonder when on earth this is going to change. I see people who have minimal talent, minimal vocabulary and minimal understanding of much of anything and wonder how on earth they were able to amass fame and fortune in this musical world that I co-exist in.

I don't resent their presence, I just resent the fact that there is no ying to their yang. Artists with an authentic edge and talent do not get equal footing or opportunity. Perhaps because we cast those artists in another light and force them to step up. I don't know, but I know too many genius people that are in the exact same situation that I am in. I know what happens when Soulkiss is on stage. Something happens in the room that is far beyond us...it's special...it's magical...and I want more people to share that experience with us. I don't want us to have to 'change' the foundation of who we are for that to happen.

I embarked on this path as an independent artist because I thought that it would allow me to be a part of a community of artists that was boundary-less. Instead, what I've found is that it is merely a community kvetching to be 'the next big thing' in the mainstream world. Maybe my vision of what independent music is is simply very different than others. I feel like the whole point of being an indie artist is simply having the luxury to do whatever the hell I want to. I find myself increasingly annoyed by being labelled a soul singer. Even moreso annoyed by being labelled a 'blue eyed soul singer'. I played the game in the beginning of my career because people, for whatever reason, need to categorize others, so I wore the label begrudgingly, but the fact of the matter is, I'm an artist. Period.

I came to an understanding this past week while having a conversation with a fellow indie artist about how we've see ourselves on old wagons in the pioneering days. Our road is tedious and unrelenting, but it is OUR road...the one we know we are to walk. I shared with this artist a story my mother in the arts told me about meeting a seer in her childhood telling her that she saw her on a covered wagon in a old pioneer woman dress. She told her that it would be many years before she would receive acknowledgement for her work. Those are the kinds of artists I've always loved...so why would I expect my journal to be any less difficult or tedious?

I also began to understand the convergence of the facets of my life in this particular season. I am increasingly aware the asking the questions of faith is vital...perhaps even predominant in my art. I have never not written about faith...but I believed advisors who told me that it was too confusing for the public to hear love songs and songs of faith from the same artist. Bump that. I've always maintained that we are whole people--not split or divided. If we are split or divided then we should be striving for integration.

Secondly, I have always culled from a variety of musical wells for inspiration...and the work going forward will reflect that. I think that is what has perhaps made my union with Soulkiss so creatively rewarding. The Muse was my first step in moving into genre-less-ness...but going forward...things are going to be even more...um...out the box.

I've always believed that if you long to see something brought forth and no one else is doing it, then it is your life's work to begin to birth it. So...that is what I and the combrogos are doing. There is something soulful, spiritual and expressive that will be brought forth. It is communal and embracing...for all of our brothers and sisters...I envision a center of sorts (yes, Elizabeth, a temple) where the music never ends and the wine flows...where faith and culture from every walk are celebrated and practiced. A place where people can come to from all over and sing, cry, dance and go back to their own communities and birth their own vision...hopefully sparked by what they experience.

And I believe, somehow, it will come to be. I'm sure it sounds a bit to "Field of Dreams"-ish for some...but I believe that when the Scripture talks about the earth groaning for the sons of God(-ess) to rise up that it is actually referring to the earth's inhabitant's to answer the call to be our truest, greatest selves...that call that we push down in favor of following others, trends and conforming into obscurity.

We are, as my dear friend Pam Mark Hall wrote, the keepers of the vision.

Updates!

2010-01-07T08:04:00.001-08:00

Hello everybody!

This is a long overdue report. The end of 2009 found us in a flurry of planning. There are alot of things in the works for us. A new website for me. A website for SOULKISS. We are in production on the SOULKISS album and are planning another summer and fall packed full of tour dates. Our holidays at the SOULKISS house were full of food and song.

We brought in the New Year in Pougkeepsie at High Valley with our dear combrogo, author Elizabeth Cunningham. We celebrated the release of her album "Maevensong", which I co-produced with her. The CD is now available for purchase on CDBaby.com. Of any recorded project I've ever been involved with, "Maevensong" has to be the most meaningful recording I've ever been a part of. Elizabeth is a brilliant writer and vocalist and her delivery of these songs is authentically haunting and resonant. You can listen to samples and purchase at www.cdbaby.com/cd/ecunningham. You can order autographed copies through Elizabeth at www.passionofmarymagdalen.com. Be sure to follow Elizabeth's blog, which updates weekly, at http://elizabethandmaeve.blogspot.com. I will be posting pictures from the release party on my blog at www.timdillinger.com.

SOULKISS is also getting ready for our first full show of 2010. We will be celebrating Valentine's Day on February 13th @ The Triad in NYC. The show will begin at 9:30 pm and we have a new line up ready for you! Tickets can be pre-purchased at www.timdillinger.com for $15. Admission at the door without a ticket will be $20, so be sure to cash in on the savings! We are looking forward to sharing the evening with you! The Triad is located at 158 W. 72nd Street between Broadway and Columbus.

I am preparing a re-edited and expanded edition of my first book "Snapshots" for release on Kindle and a special hard cover edition...So be watching for more updates on that!

We love the communication from you guys. Thanks so much for jumping in on the 'Jesus Too' blog here and on Facebook...I think you've given me the inspiration for the second book.

Hugs and love. Always.
Tim

'Maevensong' Release Party Pics!

2010-01-07T07:57:00.000-08:00

sing me on home: a tribute to harmony

2009-12-30T18:10:00.000-08:00