Being the fair-minded chap I am I suggested drawing straws. Nobody seemed overly interested in that as a concept seeming an equal number of boys and girls were asked to turn up and the number of boys in our class was the number of boys expected. Cue bitch-fight.

I don’t remember much other than standing right at the front of the Burnley masses, plastic Union Jack in hand, camera around neck whilst sheltering from the elements in a knee-length green kagoul.  Although I do remember being yanked from my vantage point by my hood by our teacher and shrieked at for wandering off on my own – in full view of everybody.

To this day I still don’t think I was in the wrong. I’d gone to see the Prince of Wales and I’d wormed my way into what I thought the best spot. Fortunately, the kind people behind me took pity and allowed me back after my bollocking.

So, the thought of the not-so bonny Prince visiting Burnley again sets me off on some form of anxiety attack – well I struggle to catch my breath as I think of my industrial-strength zipper pressing hard into my windpipe.

Anyway, at least this time round he’s got his own Burnley shirt (more pics):

We didn’t bankrupt the club with the cost of lettering.

I shudder to think what Owen Coyle would’ve been like had he not trotted off down the A666. Expected Prince Charles to bow I would imagine.

But we haven’t been short of our own royalty round here y’know. That is, if you consider Obama turning up at Lorain County Community College a royal visit just down the road from my father-in-law’s house in Elyria.

Here are a couple of pictures of him at LCCC’s Wind Turbine Manufacturing and Fabrication Lab:

Obama’s customary fist bump.(SAUL LOEB/AFP/Getty Images)

Looks like somebody’s got a man-crush…(SAUL LOEB/AFP/Getty Images)

And to think, if I’d broken ranks to wave flags at yon President I’d probably have been shot.

I sincerely hope he’s not up to what this geezer in a Southampton fabrication shop has been up to:

A MAN who got his genitalia stuck in a steel pipe had to be cut free by eight firefighters using an industrial grinder. The heavy duty cutting gear had to be used to remove the three-inch long hollow pipe after medics were unable to release it. The painstaking operation, which involved eight firefighters, took around an hour.

The drama began after the man took himself to the accident and emergency department of Southampton General Hospital.

Restricted blood flow had left the man in a state of arousal, and unable to remove the pipe.

Staff there were so concerned that they phoned the emergency services and a crew from Redbridge Fire Station were initially dispatched. But they had to bring in backup from St Mary’s station which has a fire truck equipped with specialist cutting gear. A disc gutter cutter, with a four-and-a-half-inch blade, was used to slice open the stainless steel pipe.

The man, in his 30s, offered no explanation for his predicament but was said to be “quite concerned and anxious”. He had been given an anaesthetic to prepare for the procedure.

St Mary’s crew manager Adrian Johnson said: “It was a very delicate operation. We did not want anything heating up.

The person who did it deserves a commendation for his nerve and steady hand.”

Meanwhile, watch manager Greg Garrett from Redbridge station added: “I’ve only come across this type of thing three or four times in my 17 years as a firefighter. It’s not a daily occurrence.”

The man’s private parts were left bruised and swollen.

I’m generally fairly reluctant to post entire articles seeming it goes against Rupert Murdoch’s grain, but I really didn’t know which bits to cut out (as the fireman said to the bloke with his knob stuck in a steel tube). I mean, this is why you’d love to be a local journalist. Maybe a fireman as well, but not the guy doing the angle grinding or holding the pipe steady.

However, feel free to go and enjoy yourselves in the comments to the article.

Something else I expected even less was Jasper ‘looking well’. I swear he looked three years younger than the last time I clapped eyes on him; and that was probably three years ago. Especially seeming he’d caned a litre and a half of Asda’s premier cooking sherry the night previously. Maybe he’s pickling himself younger by means of a Benjamin Button-esque reverse aging process. Not that there’s much chance of him turning into Brad Pitt.

I fear he’ll probably get stuck looking like a whispy, deep-fried turnip.

While it’s nigh on impossible to seamlessly move from Scotland and turnips to footie you can’t fault the Butler boys having nabbed a few season tickets to watch Burnley (not that getting on the Turf is my festive highlight or anything). Nor can you fault the game against Arsenal. So bring on Bolton. Oh, and don’t be pestering Matt for a borrow of one unless you’ve got a sizeable order up your sleeve.

So, without further ado (as I’ve got to now go and drop all the presents off at John’s) may you have a very Merry Christmas.

I’ve been told the Butler Sheetmetal guys were responsible for the flooring, the glass posts and the signage.

Floor leading to platform lift.

Exhibition stand interior with shiny logo.

Back of the stand.

Full frontal of Axess exhibition stand.

Somebody enjoying a ride in a lift.

So, to avoid any confusion, if you’re looking for a custom lift get in touch with Axess in Clitheroe; and if you’re looking for an exhibition stand, have a word with us down the other end of the A59.

I know how easily confused some of you people can get.

We found your company details on the internet and thought that you may be interested in this event.

At the one-day event, all the essentials about working with stainless steel will be addressed. The workshop will concentrate on practical help, including advice concerning grade selection, fabrication, welding ‘dos and don’ts’ and will also highlight the importance of post-fabrication cleaning.

Specialists from Outokumpu Stainless, TWI, BSSA and member companies will outline best welding practices and correct some misconceptions concerning fabricating with stainless steel. There will also be speakers who will give an insight into using stainless steel in particular projects including the Beckton Desalination plant, being built in time of the London Olympics, and other projects.

The workshop should interest anyone already involved in the fabrication of products in stainless steel but equally will be of interest for those with little or no experience of working with the material.

The event is organised by TWI, Outokumpu Stainless and the BSSA and supported by the Association of Welding Distributors and the Welding & Joining Society. Both TWI and IOM3 accredit the workshop as a CPD event.

Space is limited and previous workshops have been well attended, so early booking is recommended. The enrolment fee is £70 + VAT and includes a copy of the workshop handbook, lunch and refreshments.

For further information please follow this link to the event page on the BSSA website: http://www.bssa.org.uk/events.php?id=573, or find the event flyer/ programme/ booking form attached for your convenience.

For further assistance please contact Lucy Gubbins on 0114 267 1260 or lucy.gubbins@bssa.org.uk

Dear subscriber,

Decades of experience have shown that stainless steel is an exceptionally neutral and corrosion resistant material. For this reason, it is normal choice, e.g. in the food industry, in pharmaceutical production or for medical devices. Over the last few years, there has been extensive research into the behaviour of materials in applications that pertain to human health. The new brochure STAINLESS STEEL: WHEN HEALTH COMES FIRST summarises the currently available accepted results about stainless steel. The publication is available from the Euro Inox website:

http://www.euro-inox.org/fla_171_EN.html.

If you would prefer to receive a printed copy, please do not hesitate to send an e-mail to info@euro-inox.org mentioning the key word HEALTH PUBLICATION and your mailing address.

Manufacturing Technology Scotland 2009

11th & 12th November, SECC, Glasgow

For companies looking to source new business and beat the recession there is no better opportunity in 2009 than to exhibit at the Manufacturing Technology Scotland Exhibition. Launched by ETES after repeated requests from exhibitors and visitors alike, it is the first Manufacturing & Technology led regional exhibition to take place in Scotland for over five years. Often overlooked and under-explored by UK suppliers, Scotland has a strong manufacturing base that covers some of the most dynamic sectors in the market today:

Aerospace Manufacturers – £2.1 billion in annual turnover from 150 world-class aerospace companies employing 18,000 people.
Electronics Manufacturers – 55,000 employees & a total global end market that is worth more than $1 trillion annually, of that Specialist Electronics Manufacture accounts for $21 billion.
Energy Manufacturers – we all know about Oil & Gas, but what about the emerging renewable energies? Already wind energy alone generates £7.5 billion annually with 1500 companies employing more than 50,000 people in manufacturing.
Food & Drink Manufacturers – worth over £7.5 billion annually to manufacturing with 1200+ companies employing more than 45,000 people.

Register here if you interested in attending or exhibiting or wish to attend one of the free seminars. (Just don’t let Jasper know or he’ll be after a free trip back up to the motherland.)

How can you not love this collection of aircraft old, new, conceptual and fictional?

But if you thought that was a fairly entertaining use of aeronautical social media usage, you haven’t had the pleasure of of being exposed to Lockheed Martin’s open source proprietary social media tool.

And if we’re being perfectly honest, neither have I. But, it’s explained as:

Lockheed Martin has been developing proprietary social media technology to facilitate interaction between employees to create and share secure content using blogs and wikis. As a result, Lockheed Martin has become a leader of this technology in the aerospace and defense industry.

“Lockheed Martin has placed an emphasis on social media adoption by finding innovative ways to integrate a social dimension into our existing process and tools while reducing total cost of ownership,” says Linda Gooden, Executive Vice President for Lockheed Martin’s Information Systems & Global Services business area. “We are excited to now share our investment back to the open source community to help other organizations meet their knowledge sharing challenges.”

The proprietary social media tool that will be released under an open source license enables employees to consume, share, and discuss information from internal and external sources.

This tool provides a personalized experience for employees and enhances their ability to track and share information in an increasingly virtual work environment. Lockheed Martin will release the source code under an open source license and will allow interested parties to download, modify, and contribute to the open source project.

Now whether it’s supposed to be used as a tool to help develop crowd-sourced fighter aircraft or a missile defense social network, I’ve no idea. But, I can just imagine the fun you could have throwing virtual smart bombs at each other as opposed to lame pesky pokes like you can on Facebook.

If only I knew where you could download it.

How could I not venture to the Avon Duct Tape Festival this past weekend? Avon happens to be one of the two (there may be more) duct tape capitals of the world – the other being Sarah Palin’s home village of Wasilla. And yes, it’s kind of what you expect – an excuse to plonk a few fair rides on an uneven part of a field, get tipsy listening to 80s cover bands and take part in a parade with floats held together by the stuff.

It’s in no way tacky – well I suppose the tape is (ho-hum).

With it being a fair, my good lady was determined for me to display my undying whatever by winning her some kind of fair prize – a partially paralyzed goldfish or some stuffed toy made by Chinese orphans that would be more mobile than any goldfish.

It’s not that I’m a curmudgeon so much that I understand these things are rigged. Whether you’re talking about basketball games that have spring-loaded backboards to ensure the b-ball flies off into an adjacent county, or doctored darts that have you seeking the nearest specialist to check for the early signs of Parkinson’s, the fix is in.

Balloon Darts

We hadn’t made half a circuit of the festival before I heard a redneck trying to tempt me into throwing darts at a wall of balloons. I was doing my best to ignore him, but with Steph having her heart set on something stuffed and ignoring anything I ever have to say, she’d already engaged the bugger in conversation and was shouting for me to stop.

Marvellous – some crap banter ensued between the hillbilly Barnum and myself about him not wanting to shout (even though he was turned way past 11) and me explaining there was no chance him understanding a word I was saying – which he obviously didn’t understand a word of.

He then thrust a dart into my paw and told me that whatever happened Steph would win a prize and that the dart was free. So, with my wife pleading with me via the medium of puppy peepers, and some hick blabbering nonsense, I cracked. I took a couple of steps towards the stall and languidly lobbed the dart in the general direction of the balloon board fully expecting it to explode mid-flight or drop to the floor three inches from the latex as if it’d hit an invisible sheet of Perspex. Or merely bounce off one of the balloons and do a King Harold.

No, I happened to pop two of the blighters.

I resisted the urge to clap myself or perform a Tiger Woods fist pump, and expected Steph to be handed her prize and for us to pop off for a corn dog.

Instead I was handed another couple of darts and told to pay a couple of dollars for the privilege. I was being hoodwinked and having the hoodwinkery explained to me as I handed over a $20. However, it was hoodwinkery that I have no idea what was being said. Before I could throw the next two darts, I was asked if I wanted to pay a further $5 to try and win a ‘medium’ prize.

I was being up sold without having bought anything in the first place. I hadn’t a clue what was happening, but was strangely enjoying the swift-talking swindler’s patter. The guy was a pro.

At this rate I was fully expecting to be taken into a port-a-potty and robbed of cards, cash and kidney.

Steph was starting to look stern and interjected on my behalf that we’d take our prize and run. At which he whisked the two darts out of my hand that I thought I’d paid for and reached for Steph’s prize.

Of course it wasn’t something dangling off the stall itself but something he rustled from underneath the counter out of an old plastic bag:

It basically looked like they’d partially wrapped some sausage meat in duct tape and tossed it in some boiling water. Even the dollar store would’ve considered themselves shysters for charging for it.

At least Steph found out I was right. And at least I don’t have to do that for a living.

Well not yet.

How can the BSSA help you during the downturn? Come to our free seminar and find out about opportunities available to BSSA members:

o Training in the downturn – how Metskill and the BSSA can help small and medium size businesses with skills training, including help to access funding;

o A chance to hear about the BSSA Buying Group and how it can save you money when purchasing a wide range of products and services;

o Advice and training from the BSSA – what help can the Association provide?

The forum will provide chance to discuss these opportunities and how they could benefit your business.

Non – members welcome

BSSA Forum Agenda

16.00 Registration & refreshments

16.30 Introduction – Nigel Ward, BSSA

16.35 Training in the Recession – Lisa Herbert, Metskill

17.00 BSSA Buying Group – Mick Rice, Independent Buyers

17.25 Advice, Training and Education from the BSSA – Alan Harrison, BSSA

17.50 Questions

18.00 Networking & Buffet

19.00 Close

You’re supposed to register your interest prior to the 16th of June so they know how many butties to make. There’s all the info you need here.