Dear Readers, Viewers, Occasional Stumblers, and everyone else,

The Titan Project will be moving to a new site.  I will now be writing at Evening Revolution. Until I figure out how to redirect all traffic towards the new site, this site will still be open.  It’s been a good run with The Titan Project, it was just about time to host my own site.  This is just another beginning to something good.  Hope you’ll join us at the new site.

New Site: Evening Revolution

Link URL: http://eveningrevolution.com/

If you get lost you could always follow me on twitter @jonathanmanor.

You could also send me an email:  jmanorproject (@) gmail (dot) com.

When I was younger I always wanted to become a pilot.

Being a pilot just seemed like something I was destined to do.  My family supported me, everyone I knew thought I should do it.  I worked at an airport, spoke to pilots, took classes at the community college, planned on joining the United States Air Force, applied to flight schools all over America.  I was actually going to move to Florida where I would pursue my life’s intention of becoming a metal bird.

No matter how many great things surrounded the idea of flying a plane, one thing always held me back, “How long will I be away from my family?”

I didn’t have a family of my own.  I didn’t live on my own.  Sure, I had loved ones, but that wasn’t the family I was talking about.  I was talking about the anticipated love of a wife, several children, with a girl being the oldest, a backyard, maybe on a ranch, with a house painted white with decorative green details.  There was a time when that was my dream, my aspirations, my, “maybe someday.”

As the years went past, my dreams of becoming a pilot along with my dreams of having a family dissipated as I matured.  Maybe I started living in the present, I really don’t know.  It’s almost impossible to remember how I pictured how everything would be back in my more naive days.

I never took up piloting, even with knowing how adventurous it sounded.

I seemed to always be the type of person who’d wonder how long he could stay instead of where he could go next.

How Long Will You Stay?

I enjoy reading a lot of blogs that talk about location independence.  How certain people all over the blogosphere can just get up and go as they please.  For some people it’s not just a weekend vacation, taking pictures and standing in front of statues and buildings.  For some, it’s a bulk four months out of their lives learning culture, eating food, and wording foreign phrases.  The idea that you can’t do London in a week.  How long then?  How long does it take to get the full experience of where you are?  Is it really four months?  What constitutes when you should leave?  By the end of four months, is it really possible to just cut off all ties and just leave.  No looking back.

I understand that I won’t get to see the rest of the world if I stay in one place, but what if maybe I could just wait until the place where I am becomes barren.  I kind of want to wait until I truly have a reason to leave.  I just really don’t see the point in leaving to go somewhere new, if I still really like where I am.

Lenka and I broke up.

I could feel her heart beating, her eyes wrecked on exploring what might be.  I could feel myself subconsciously reaching for my phone, but didn’t.  I simply returned her gesture with a simple grin and started walking away.  With every step I felt the immense feeling of loss, roping me back to her just for one more bite.  But I couldn’t.

I’ve done this a hundred times, led someone on and left abruptly.  I do it all the time, sometimes uncontrollably, sometimes with very inappropriate intentions.  At some point I made an effort to not retrieve any woman’s contact information, no matter how big, bright, and beautiful the outlook for the future might’ve been.  It felt like throwing away the perfect sunset without taking a picture.  This was before Lenka.

I was training myself to be in control of my feelings.  It’s like self inflicting pain to learn that it won’t kill you.  I couldn’t have every woman.  I didn’t intend to fall in love with everyone, yet I was slowly realizing that I was.  Every number, every call, and every text message, turned into a fantasy display of anticipated future fireworks and long waltzes across days of could be would be love.  With every pink lipped, tiny outlined cheeked, woman, I found that my intentions were unrealistic.  I was setting myself up for failure, more importantly, my unhappiness.  It was sad.

Intention

When I was younger I ran cross country.  During my first year of running all I wanted to do was be the fastest freshmen, which meant I had to beat one person, Sheldon.  I went to lengths, most impossible feats, and at the end of the first race, I was ahead of him all the way to the end.  But I didn’t stop there, I wanted more.

I picked out members of my team, picked out people from other schools.  I was on a murderous rampage to be more capable than any one of my targets.  I was faster than anyone from the school next to us.  The next school next to that one took me awhile, but after a year, I topped everyone who was in my league.  I did this over and over again, and I was never satisfied.

My coaches would ask me, why do I run?  Why was I on the team?  What drove me?

I would answer:

“There’s no better feeling than knowing that I’m better than someone else.”
“I want to be the best.”
“It’s pride.”

The thoughts of inadequacy fueled my desire to train harder, to get up at 5am to run 9 more miles before school started, in addition to our regularly scheduled practices.  My thoughts of not being good enough became my perseverance.

My coaches and teammates told me I was running for all the wrong reasons.  That someday there won’t be people to beat, someday I’ll find myself defeated, someday I’ll grow old and start withering away and my hopes of beating my PR would peak, and I would plummet.  They told me, the only way to truly love something is to love every moment of it no matter what it curtails.

Why did they do it?

“Because I seriously love to run.”

. . . they would say.

If You Don’t Love Every Moment, You’re Just Lying To Yourself

I was never trying to impress my friends when I took down a woman’s number.  Their abilities to meet women weren’t exactly up to par.

I was never rating women on a scale of one to ten, measuring whether or not someone were to be deserving of me, as if I was the grand prize of some elimi-date.

However, my real intentions was to fall in love.  That maybe someday we could lay in bed for hours on end with no other intentions other than to be together forever on clouds of happily ever after.  That’s where I went wrong, that’s where I became needy.  And because of that, I was setting myself up to become more and more miserable.

A conversation with a stranger is just that, a conversation.  There shouldn’t be anticipation for wedding bells (here’s looking at my female viewers) or sex (men) but just the simple love for having a conversation filled with laughter and comfort.  If ever we find out that something just didn’t go in the direction in which we were hoping, we should never feel as if we’ve lost our future, but simply feel that we’ve gained the moment. As humans we tend to fantasize about the future becoming this mesmerizing unbelievable picture of happiness, and it’s unfortunate that every time we do that and lose that, we become devastated.  That’s unrealistic and unfair.

Don’t let the future scare you, keep trying.

Don’t skip off to the future just yet, right now is still waiting patiently for you to come back down.

I leaned against the refrigerator, my eyes staring at the center of the room.  The lights were off.  In the middle of the living room my friends danced in the dark on top of two wooden coffee tables. I was actually kind of jealous. The music bounced off the walls and everyone who surrounded me were lost in their movements, and I stood deafeningly still, statuesque even.  I would’ve been mistaken as any other guy, shy of his wits, afraid of women, and unable to open up.  I didn’t want to be that guy, the so called wall flower.  But, as I stood wondering inclusively, the truth was that that guy and I, were the exact same person.  Lost.

Ever since I could remember being social, I was always somewhat flirtatious.  My friends hated me for it.  More exact, my socially challenged friends hated me for it.  Just the way I presented myself openly, the updraft of comfort, the easily drawn out sexual undertones; my guy friends hated it, they would stand idly by watching me talk.  It wasn’t always like that.  There was a time where no one could get any two words out of me, much less a conversation.  However, once I was able to open up, laugh, and pry into a deeper meaning with most people I met, I found an inevitable charm.  Since then, I never looked back onto my more proper and less boisterous, silent ways.

I never thought having a girlfriend would change that.

Innocent touches, flirtatious spells, and confident glares across the room starts to become an addiction.  It’s as if everyone just started passing around dishes of your favorite slice of pie  to constantly remind you that you shouldn’t have any, or even be there.  I always thought my ability to talk to women carelessly was something of power.  It is, practically, something that most men want to have but somehow don’t understand.  It’s almost supernatural.  It leaves people thinking, “maybe he’s just born with it?”  It’s as if it’s that unrealistic.  However, it only takes standing in a room full of people to find out who you really are. Having a girlfriend in a crowded area leaves me being socially awkward, and, most tantalizingly, powerless.

By midnight, after taking several senseless laps around the party, I found myself rewiring my mindset, reflecting on who I am, and rebooting my happiness, thinking of ways to find a balance with my thoughts and trying to find a peace that I really needed.  I went over every way I use to meet women at parties. I needed a place where I could continue to be conscious of where I was, yet still continuing to stay morally obligated.  I wasn’t single, but I wasn’t a loser either.  I looked at my friends and felt a genuine honesty with myself. I started letting go of the idea that everything I did was to impress every woman that surrounded me.

Finally, I took my friend’s happy outstretched hand as I was lifted up onto the living room table.

As the party dissipated like a smokey substance released into the sky, I found myself sitting next to a girl who earlier was talking about linear algebraic equations. Nerds, I somehow always find myself next to them. We chatted lightly until she commented on my arms.

“I don’t like big arms, you’re muscly arms just make me want to vomit,” she said flirtatiously.

It lifted my spirits.  I pulled my arm through her hair and across her shoulders to give her a light hug.  She leaned her head in, moving her body closer into mine, her dark maroon colored hairs softly touching the skin on my neck.

“Sorry,” I said pulling my arm away from her, “You can’t do that, I have a girlfriend.”

I could feel her closeness turning into a nervous awkwardness as she lifted away from me.  She smiled politely.

“Oh,” she said, “I figured.”

I still remember my girlfriend’s face when I told her she was adorable and I just had to come talk to her. Her face froze in a tone broken in between a lost for words and hope that words would exude. I remember how her head cocked out from her shoulders and how her breath was left vacant. She liked me. We meet people everyday, but we never meet them. The continuous stream of applicable opportunity to learn someone’s name or find out more about their story usually goes untouched, like books lost in libraries, unread and unopened. How is that possible? Everyone likes talking about themselves. Mostly everyone likes the faint touch of being interested in. Why? Why is it so hard? We meet people everyday, but there’s no reason why we shouldn’t get to know them, especially if she could be the girl of your dreams, much like Lenka’s was and still is for me.

Below is a list of 9 Reasons Why You Should Meet The Girl Next to You.

1. All girls like being talked to.

Remember in 40 year old virgin where Seth Rogen tells Steve Carrell to constantly ask the girl questions because women don’t want to talk about anything else but themselves. It’s funny because it’s almost always true. Actually it’s true for everyone. Everyone wants to believe that they have the most unbelievable dreams and aspirations. Everyone wants to think they have the cutest baby. Everyone wants to feel acclaimed and worshiped for their unrivaled thoughts and problem solving abilities. There’s an inspiring feeling people get when they get to share their lives with other people.

2. All girls want to feel sexy.

When I was still in middle school I remember Michelle Branch posing for Maxim magazine practically naked. Michelle Branch! The female guitarist who sang “All You Wanted.” At that time I felt there was something wrong with society, and it wasn’t just puberty. At that time, Christina Auguillera had the hit single “I am Beautiful” and, at the same time, had one of the sluttiest music videos of all time. I was debating the idea of beautiful. I remember what my brother said that evening when I pointed out the cover of Maxim with Michelle Branch on it. He told me, “Every woman wants to be wanted by every guy.” He said that they don’t necessarily want to date every man in the world, but they just want every guy to look twice when she walks by.

3. All girls want to feel beautiful.

There’s a difference between sexy and beautiful, not that a simple compliment can’t appease both of them. Unfortunately, every girl does want to feel adorned with their clothes on. They want to take pictures in Sunday dresses, twirling in flowered meadows, while the sunlight scatters across a silhouette of trees. They want to feel that their laughter is not only adored, but melodic, like a siren or some pre Civil War church choir. Every girl wants to know that they could hold someone’s attention for so long that they could find themselves falling apart in each others eyes. Most girls will never choose logic over romance.

4. Every girl wants to feel challenged.

Girls aren’t picking out men from a catalog, well, unless they’re giving credit to online dating websites, they are. However, unless they’re absolute nuts, women don’t want to have to meet a guy online over meeting them out in the open where fairy tales and most romantic movies find their beginnings. Some women can have any pick of men off the street, but that would just be cheap and senseless. Women want to feel like keeping someone is worth holding on to. They can’t just pull a guy off the street, because there’s no worth in that.

5. Every girl wants a hug.

Yep they do.  Women like a genuine sense of belonging where they could feel secure and comfortable. Everyone wants to feel wanted. Human touch is yummy.

6. Women don’t want the right guy.

Really? Seriously? WHO IS THAT GUY??? Robert Pattinson isn’t the right guy. Back in the 90’s it wasn’t Brad Pitt. A woman worth falling in love with doesn’t have a checkoff list hanging behind her pillow in hopes that the right guy will just pass her by on the street and be nothing but perfection yielding in agreement. They want a guy they could build something with. Someone who they could find more about themselves through. Love will always be about falling in love with what makes them different and imperfect.

7. Every girl wants to get naked. . . with the right guy.

Yep. Sex is good. It’s great. It’s fucking orgasmic. The only people that hate sex are virgins and people who are doing it with the wrong people. It’s unfortunate that there’s a broad saturation of creepy, horney, self centered men, and women, more often than not, feel like these are the only men out there. (Btw, I’m perfect.) If a girl’s reading this, don’t have sex with a creepy guy just to see where it goes, it’ll be a terrible experience.

8. Every girl doesn’t want to end up alone.

Even the biggest emo rebels who announce how much they are stricken to a loner lifestyle, those people still don’t want to be alone. They want to have coffee with some guy, to tell them the different aspects of the world that annoy and aggravate them, all subliminally trying to fight off the fact that they’re having coffee with a man and, in more or less endearing terms, like it.

Most women have been dreaming of the day they would marry, not the guy of their dreams, but the guy they can’t let go of.

9. Every girl likes the gesture.

Married, old, well not prepubescent because that’s just weird, but other than that, every girl likes to know the random guy walking on the street found her aesthetically pleasing. Making a woman smile is an incredible feeling.

A little disclaimer before I close this post.

Note: No girl wants to be creeped out.

Being able to not creep out a girl has a lot to do with finding a balance between being too aggressive and too shy. There’s a bunch of complex ways a man can open up a conversation with a women, you shouldn’t buy her a drink until she’s talking to you or else she’ll just use you for alcohol, you might want to compliment her nose, or you might just want to tell a girl you’ve genuinely been staring at for the past hour that she’s absolutely adorable. Who knows, maybe she’ll kiss you, and maybe you’ll find yourself falling love with her.

“We decided, that with this new album, we’re going to yell more, because we’re an alternative rock band, and that’s what we do, we yell!”

We hear it all the time, when an artist or band is out to make their second album, there are always those artists that want to focus on something that makes them great.  How about, “You know, this time around, I want to get back to the basics.  I want to get back to what made us different,” or “I want this album to feature a more darker atmosphere.” Artists always find themselves in a realm of exploring more or less with their art.  They end up lost in this new different world, questioning whether they should come back to the beginning; their basics.  However, when they do, those basics and that origin turns out to be smothered with the noise of their newly “fresh” ideas, making it impossible to turn into their earlier versions.  The legends become students of themselves, as they try to relearn who they are.

Damien Rice said something along the lines of, music is a lot like vomiting.  He was describing how music is like this down pour of raw emotion.  Serj Takian, the lead singer to System of a Down said, if you want to say something, say it.  You know who says, today we’re going to focus on something different.  People who are lost say, today we’re going to focus on something different. People who don’t know who they are.  People who just want to please other people.  Those people really have no idea what they’re doing.  They know it works because they’re filling up stadiums, but they don’t know why.

No one should tell someone what they should want to do with their art.

Picasso drew ugly things.  Ugly ugly things.  They don’t look like people!  They’re square faces with creepy eyes and unfortunately placed noses.  If someone gave me Picasso’s sketches or the sketches from any artist who worked on Pixar movies and asked me who draws better, “Gee, I don’t know, the rectangular shaped face or the futuristic robot.”  Yet, for some reason Picasso is one of the most historically acclaimed artists.  It’s probably because he never forgot his passion.  He didn’t draw to please the masses of people.  He painted the things he wanted to paint.  He painted the things he felt passionate about.  Most importantly, he painted the things he wanted to say.

People are selling out everywhere.

The art of the artist is falling apart everywhere because other people are telling them what to do.  Their work has become tainted by every single living person’s ideas; moving their passion in a certain direction to appease fans, agents, record labels.  Legendary artists dumbing their music down to reach more people, to fill more seats at stadiums, suppressing their message so people will like them.  Imagine if Picasso didn’t draw his unusual characters, what if he confined himself to only draw artwork influenced by religion and the church.  Where would Picasso’s message be if it were quieted?

All our peers are pulling us in every direction.

Most of the time, record labels who are paying musicians to make music can’t make music any better.  They especially can’t make that specific musician’s music better than they can, that’d be preposterous.  However, rich people have been telling artists to entertain them, and they do.  They do it all the time.  Ever since the time of kings and queens, and jesters.  Artists aren’t slaves to an audience. The audience chases the message of the artist.

Passion needs to roam freely.

In Embarcadero, a popular street in San Francisco, there are cartoonists, portrait drawers, and every artist with a different medium from charcoal to oil pastels.  You could find these people anywhere, sitting on city corners, sketching out strangers.  However, before they became everyone’s personal artist, there’s a good chance they’d rather be drawing other things, bigger things, certain people in their lives.  Unfortunately, they won’t be able to afford studios and large canvases, or building corners to draw eloquent murals.  We as an audience will never know their message.

Us, bloggers, we need to stay true to ourselves, to our art.  Before The Titan Project became a lifestyle design blog, it was a personal blog, then it evolved into a relationship blog.  I’d write long inspirational essays like The Girl All The Guys Want, and surreal moments describing how my girlfriend and I met.  I almost thought I would stay there.  People liked my work and were interested in more of what I had to say about the subject.  The day I wrote about toxic families, I was weary.  However, people still enjoyed it.  I’m sure it was because I felt like it needed to be said.  It’s probably because it was a genuine part of me I wanted share.

Your message will forever evolve, but never should it be restricted.

Many people complain about their jobs.  “It sucks.”  “I hate it.”  “I want to escape.”  While there is a multitude of causation, much of this angst can be tied to fake work.

What is Fake Work??

Fake Work (FW): A project or task that keeps one or multiple people busy yet has no productive value.  It serves to keep an illusion alive that there is still something of productive value being achieved.

It’s these worthless tasks that make us feel worthless.  Work gives us a sense of pride.  It’s a large part of our identity.  Most people when they first meet discuss this topic.  Work is a natural topic to get a feel for what someone is like.  It’s a way to instantly gauge someone’s likes, dislikes, value system, schedule, income bracket, and a whole range of stereotypes that come into play.  If the tasks at work feel useless, then we feel useless.  The topic of work hurts to talk about, because instead of a sense of pride, we have an uneasy feeling.  It’s much easier to say you hate something, than to actually identify the reasons why.

You may not even know that you’re doing fake work or you may be doing work you perceive to be fake, but is actually is productive and real. Find out if you’re doing fake work or real work by:

• Confronting the reasons behind the completion of a task and understand how it fits into the larger process and bigger picture

There may be very good reasons to complete the tasks you’re supposed to that management understands since they see the bigger picture.  However, don’t let this deter you from finding out the truth.  If you as an employee don’t understand why you’re doing the things that you do, then management has failed.  Much fake work has been produced under the guise of this “you don’t understand because it’s above you attitude.”  Don’t let this continue.
Once you’re sure you’re doing fake work:

• Make it known.  Alert the people around you of what you have found.  Show them why the work is fake.

Seems simple.  Ha!  It’s easier said than done.  A lot of fake work continues in a grand conspiracy to keep a department afloat that shouldn’t or to appear busier than they actually are.  Your boss could be in on the scam because they are afraid of losing their job.  You may be afraid of the retribution you would receive even if you tactfully may people at work aware of the situation.  Or worse, you could realize that your job “security” rests on this conspiracy to keep going.  That in exposing the fake work, you expose yourself.

If you’re afraid of getting canned for exposing fake work, then you should find another job.  Sooner or later the fake work will be exposed and your position will be eliminated for you. If you work in fear of questioning authority and blindly go along in yes man mode, you are a robot, and you will be replaced by one.

If fake work is causing your job to suck, do something about it.  Stop repeating excuses, and start looking for answers.  Normally “I can’t…” and “It’s impossible because…” really just mean you’re not willing to step outside your comfort zone and take the risks to face your fears head on.  Ask yourself, Do you feel like you’re doing “fake work”?

Mark Lawrence is the creator of Lifestyle Ignition. Listen to his interview on BlogCast FM:  Mark Lawrence on Shameless Marketing, Retiring at 24, and Leaving the Template Life. Follow live updates on Twitter @igniteadventure

When I was younger, sometime around high school, I started hugging people.  It was more for satire.  “You want a hug?” I would say with the most pouty puppy particular eyes.  I use to hug everyone.  I’d hug people I didn’t know.  I’d hug my teachers.  I’d ask a lot of people and they would turn me down, but for the most part people would spread their arms and for those two seconds in which my arms could wrap around their torso and then pull away, there was just that little something we all long for.

I was very destructive as a young boy.  I wanted to hurt everyone.  I wanted to see people fail.  I thrived on knowing my life wasn’t as bad as others.  But, I was almost always wrong.  I started understanding that people just didn’t know pain like I knew pain, and for that reason, I felt valiant.  Through imperfection I felt superior and because of that I stopped caring.  However, no matter how many times you would ask me how much I don’t care, how much I feel the need to be destructive, there’s still some sweet itty bitty child in me that just wants to remember what it was like to have a family, to have friends, and to be wanted.  If that’s true for me, the boy who rested his eyes over his own sad sorry life, and if everyone feels anger, pain, and anguish, then for the most part, I’m pretty sure a lot of people just want to feel like they belong somewhere.  I’m pretty sure people want to feel something real.

People want to feel wanted.

We spend so much time being angry at people.  We spend so much time trying to be cool.  We spend so much time trying to be better than people that some of us just don’t realize that we’re all in pain.  Somehow denial wraps around our heads and tells us we’re bigger than this, we can do this on our own, and we don’t need anyone to help us.  That may be true.  But it’s not going to make you happy.  I pushed everyone away my whole life; no one likes being alone.

Hugging, holding hands, cuddling, little tiny kisses on the cheek, it’s all a form of affection that people need.  People need affection.  Fuck the general population of people who think it’s awkward.  Screw the genre of thought behind handshakes and keeping your distance.  If a moment’s embrace is ill mannered than someone needs to rewrite the book on etiquette and put “hug everyone” on there.  Don’t waste your time being on anti-carebear protest.

The greatest gift is letting someone remember that they are loved.

This was my greatest gift post.  Check out these awesome greatest gift posts:

• Advanced Riskology’s greatest gift post.
• Reading For Your Success’s greatest gift post.
• Far Beyond the Star’s greatest gift post.

How can someone look cool? Is it possible? Ever since the beginning of time people have longed to find out what’s so cool about that guy. From cowboys to rock and roll bands. Mozart to Robert Plant. Wolverine to Neo. What makes someone look cool? Below is 17 possible ways to look cooler now!

#1 Wear a V-Neck and, at the same time, pull off looking as if you still like women.

#2 Don’t just wear a leather jacket, wear a hooded sweater under it! It’s genius!

#3 Always extend your eyebrows to look interested but at the same time unexcited about what anyone is talking about.

#4 Move your hands a lot. People can concentrate better on what you’re talking about if you move your hands a lot.

#5 Make sure everyone knows that you play either poker or guitar. Those two things make you look douchey, but without all the doucheness. A good way to do this is to leave a guitar pick or a poker chip in your pocket along with some spare change. In the event that anyone would ask you for a quarter they’ll be surprised and aroused that you have one of the two things. Carry both for an instant orgasm.

#6 Ask people if they want spare change.

#7 Find out your size for jackets, then go one size over. Tight fitting clothes are essential. Tight fitting jackets are borderline fairy. They’re supposed to look heavier than your skin.

#8 Don’t shop at the same places your friends shop. Your friends are terrible with women.

#9 Make your own accessories. Rolex’s make you look like grandpa or a spoiled brat. A string on a piece of wood makes you look creative and adventurous.

#10 Don’t wear the necklace your friend gave you. Wear it as a bracelet. Don’t rep your friend’s fashion advice. Mock it by not wearing it in the way it was meant to be worn. Plus, layered bracelets are cool.

#11 Don’t get a hair cut if you want your hair to look messy; it makes everyone want to punch you in the face repeatedly.

#12 Know your facial and hair products. It makes all the difference when you could find a hair product that can stealthily make you look as if you didn’t even try to take a shower this morning.

#13 If everything else fails and you can’t help but to be ugly, brush your teeth. Nothing overcomes everything than a maintained straight white picket fence.  Keyword:  Straight.

#14 You’re expected to smile when you meet someone.

#15 Practice looking adorable and nurturing. Nobody likes an ogre.

#16 Be the guy who wears that certain article of clothing everyday. Life is like a job interview, it’s easier to remember someone when they’re consistent.

#17 Don’t wear a suit, take a shower, or fix your hair, people will expect too much from you if you try too hard. Have them expect nothing and it’ll only go uphill from there.

Merry Christmas!!!!!

“Are you over her?” Lenka asked.

6 months before I met my girlfriend, I met a girl named Paige.  It was last winter break, almost a whole year ago.  The thought of her still haunts me.  She broke me.  She broke me in a way that I thought would never be possible.  Every so often I remember what it was like to be with her.  I remember thinking about her, and losing her.

There’s an underlying property to falling in love with someone.  In some way, you can’t be caught up with someone else, even if they have left forever.  They somehow can’t be renting out a soft spot in your mind.  I don’t think that’s true.  I might be wrong.  The thing is, I try to move forward.  I try to move forward with everything in my life.  Just forward, just a clean b-line straight ahead to the next destination as fast and as eye level as possible.  However, the truth is, a lot of the things in my past still gnaw off little bits of my hopes for a future.  It’s not just with women; it’s sort of like this with a lot of the things in my life.

With every woman I’ve met, I tend to keep a piece of them with me whether I like it or not.  It’s a little encasing that just opens up whenever it feels like it, or it’s somehow triggered by specifically chosen items of nostalgia.  The problem that I had was that I always found something I truly liked in most of the women I dated.  I ended up finding something unique in the women who’ve come through my life, and it’s hard to let those things go.  It’s taken me awhile to forget a lot about the first girl I felt an emotional depth with.  But, on some level, to be honest, I kind of wish I hadn’t fully forgotten.

Lenka asked me, how I could fall in love with someone when my heart is somewhere else.  How can I fall in love with her when I’m not over Paige?  How is it possible?  It seems like there’s something absolutely totally wrong with that.

“Why do you love me?” I asked Lenka.

In a cute, sort of embarrassed, type of way, she told me things like how I make her laugh and how I make her happy.  As I listened over the phone, she ended up scrolling down a long list of bullet points as to why she loved me.  I already knew what I was going to tell her by the time she finished.

“If I loved you for all of those same reasons, would you call that love?”