I'm Something Random

Incredible Cats and Online Marketing

noreply@blogger.com (Gary) — Sun, 04 Jan 2009 21:01:00 +0000

Just a quick post, I really really need to update here more often. For some reason I just never have the time. Well, lately I've been experimenting with internet marketing and making money online, and I recently made a Squidoo page for my crazy jumping cat, Murzik. Hopefully by posting a link to it here it will be indexed faster by google. Who knows, it is worth a try I suppose. If you are interested in checking out the page, you'll find some pics and videos of my cat, and I will probably update it with some new stuff down the line. So here it is, Incredible Cats.

Why Make Money Online?

noreply@blogger.com (Gary) — Wed, 10 Dec 2008 01:20:00 +0000

Have you lost your job and have no idea what to do now? Not to worry, there is a solution which will get you more money than you have ever made working 9-5. Thinking of going into Retail? Don't bother! Retail is crap, trust me, I have been there. Here is a way to make tons of money, all from the comfort of your own home, where you can be your own boss. Well, what do you have to lose? Making money online is probably the best job you could ever have. You can set your own schedule, work at your own pace, and never have to answer to anyone ever again. I too am in the process of making money online, and it is a great experience. Thousands of people are doing it, I am doing it, and you can do it too.
Think about it. You will never make it in life if you don't take any risks. Simply take the risk, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Its like they say, you need to spend money to make money. Consider it an investment for your future and the future of your family. It is not an easy road, but then again nothing comes easy. If you are still reading at this point, then you are ready to take the next step into a new and more full filling life. Simply Click Here and soon all of your dreams will come true!

What is the Formula for Success?

noreply@blogger.com (Gary) — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 19:24:00 +0000

Alright, I've been thinking a lot lately. Which is good, because I don't get to do too much of that most of the time(hence the lack of consistent posting). What is it I have been thinking about you ask? The formula for Success(Ok, I guess that was obvious from the title). Why do some people become millionaires, and others retail workers? What does it take become more than average, to do what you want in life and be happy? What does it even mean to be successful? Maybe some people are just lucky. Perhaps they simply have something that we don't. Like that smart kid in class who gets A's on every test and always knows the answer to every question.

And then I realised something. It's exactly that kind of thinking that gets you nowhere. Accepting what you have and thinking you will never be able to achieve more. Its like when you look at a seemingly impossible math problem and just accept that you can't figure it out. You give up before you even try, or you try and then give up because you can't figure it out at first. So, what must you do to be able to achieve your goals? Beleive you can do it. Remove the doubts and blocks in your mind that tell you you can't. Only then will you be able to move forward. And if you fail the first time, don't accept defeat. Keep trying until you get it. Never think to yourself, "this is impossible". By doing so, you have already failed.

This is stuff you probably heard or read somewhere else, or figured out for yourself already, but you still haven't gotten anywhere. I feel that the best way to start is to work on little challenges. Try something you have never done before, so you can feel what it is like when you are able to master it. I did this with a rubix cube. Many people have one but have probably never been able to solve it, because they see it as mysterious and impossible(or they are just too lazy to learn how to do it). I decided to challenge myself by learning how to solve it. So, I looked it up online, practiced everyday when I had some spare time, and what used to take me an hour I can now do in about three minutes. All it took was looking up the formulas, applying them, and then memorizing them so I could solve it quickly.

So, here is your first challenge. Learn to solve the rubix cube in three minutes or less, without having to use a cheat sheet. And then from there... well, anything is possible. I guess the three main parts to success are as follows:

Set your goals
Beleive you can do it
Never give up

Oh crap....Ok, thats the end of my rant. I just remembered I have a bunch of papers I need to write or I'm screwed. Peace.

A new blog about the Mistakes we make

noreply@blogger.com (Gary) — Mon, 03 Nov 2008 22:37:00 +0000

Recently I started a new blog on my own domain, called The Blog of Failure . It's basically about all the mistakes, dumb and stupid things people do. My goal is to turn this into a large user submitted blog, where people provide their own stories of the mistakes they have made. Its very new now, with a couple submissions from real people. So, if you happen to stop by this page and find this post, check out my new blog! The submissions there so far are a great read, and feel free to submit a story of your own to share with everyone else. Hmm.... thats pretty much it.

How to really ace your Target Interview

noreply@blogger.com (Gary) — Mon, 03 Nov 2008 04:33:00 +0000

Well, the time has finally come for the real post about acing your interview at Target. This is not a joke this time, and I will truly try and give you some helpful tips and advice. Alright, you are sitting here right now, thinking "I have an interview at Target, what do I do now"?. My position is this, if I was able to do it, then so can you. Also, just remember that its only Target. If you don't get this job, there will be plenty of other interviews at other stores. So don't lose too much sleep over it.

Alright, I don't want to make this long and boring, so I'll just go over some basic stuff. First of all, dress nice and don't be late. You don't need anything fancy, all I wore were some pants and a blue collared shirt. Don't be the person who comes into the interview in baggy jeans and a T-shirt, and a bout an hour late. That's what one guy did and I didn't see him after that.

Obviously, you are stressing most over the interview itself and the types of questions that will be asked of you. Many of the questions are similar to those you had to answer on the computer during the application process, but in an open ended format. The interviewer reads a question, and you have to answer as best you can. This may seem a bit scary at first, but hey, if I was able to pull some stuff out of my ass, so can you. A lot of the questions are pretty basic:

How did you deal with a problem
Many times I was asked to recall some sort of situation, and how you dealt with it
A question on why you applied for the job
Some workplace situations

The thing to remember is just to use your common sense and take your time in coming up with an answer. Look the interviewer in the eyes when speaking, and just use a conversational tone. Appear confident and friendly(remember Targets moto, "fast, fun and friendly") and you should be fine. And as always, just relax. The interviewer is a human, just like you, and won't harm you in any way.

It may be best to apply during the holiday season, because of the extra help that's always needed. The downside to that is you might not be able to keep the job, because it is considered seasonal.

And one more thing, just in case you are wondering, yes, you do have to take a drug test.

Alright, hope that helps, and good luck in your job endeavors.

Procrastination....My kryptonite

noreply@blogger.com (Gary) — Mon, 22 Sep 2008 02:17:00 +0000

As you may or may not have noticed, I have been putting off this post for a long time. I will be writing on here more often for my own personal benefit and to keep track of stuff. So.. lets see, whats been going on. Well, Tuesday I have a test ahhh fudge. I really should be doing something else right now. Like studying for that test. Oh yeah, I have decided to make a list of goals. This should help me accomplish more in life. So far, I have

1. Stop procrastinating
2. Grow a mustache
3. Grow a beard.
4. Shave the mustache
5. Let the mustache grow back, this time shave the beard
6. Read a book

Lets see... I have already done numbers 2, 3, and 4. Looks like I'm off to a good start.

What else is going on... Some thoughts on my job I guess. Well, I have been getting kind of annoyed lately with people who complain about being asked for ID when purchasing alchohol. It isn't my fault they changed the system. We have to ask everyone now for either ID or a date of birth. Some people get offended, and I am not sure why, so I reasure them that they are clearly very old. Sometimes that doesn't go over very well. With most people. All the time. Now I just tell them I am have face blindess and can't see age. That didn't work for that sex offender but maybe it'll work for me. With the ID stuff I mean. Not.. the other thing. Alright, thats all I have for now, maybe something new tommorow.

Yet Another post about not posting

noreply@blogger.com (Gary) — Wed, 02 Jul 2008 06:25:00 +0000

Since no one reads this, I have decided to use this blog more like a personal journal as well as for keeping a record of my bowel movements. This will also be the last time I will be addressing the reader. From now on, I will be typing as if I am speaking to myself. Starting......now. Ok, Gary. I'm not sure why, but for some reason you felt it was necessary to get up at 2:33 am and start typing in a blog that hasn't had any posts in it for months. I know you wanted this blog to be successful, but its kind of late for that now. You gave up on this project a long time ago, when your internet stopped working for a few days and you forgot you had a blog. So? Like I said before, I just want to use this as a journal of sorts, to write stuff down, whether people read it or not. And I'm going to start using a lot more profanity, too. Like "bitch", and "shit" and "fuck" and "assface". Expect to see a lot of those words, especially assface. See? I used it twice already. Assface. Thats three times. Dang...there has been a weird smell following me all day since I used the bathroom. I will have to make note of it, as it may have something to do with my several abnormal bowel movements today. Maybe it isn't me though. We made soup earlier today. Maybe it is giving off a weird shit smell for some reason.Dang.... I hope no one has been secretly shitting in the soup. Fuck.What if this isn't the first time? Oh my god.... We make soup almost every week. How long has this been going on? Bitch. We have all been eating someone's shit soup and didn't even know it. Who could be doing this? Grandma? Hmmm.... I have sometimes suspected her of defecating in other dishes, but not literally though. As in "Grandma, this tastes like crap, did you shit in this?". My mom then? No, she has been ill for quite some time now, and as far as I know, has not taken up shitting in our food as one of her newly found stay-at-home hobbies. My dad then? No. Then it must be a neighbor. A neighbor must have been sneaking into our house and secretly shitting into the soup. Damn. Thats just not cool. Oh well, I don't like soup anyway. Ok, Gary, its almost 3am now. You should really be getting into bed by now. Even your ass is falling asleep.Ok, fine. I'm done with this post. Good night.

This blog is not dead!.....yet

noreply@blogger.com (Gary) — Wed, 13 Feb 2008 19:49:00 +0000

Heh, I almost forgot this was still here. Well, after a long break I have decided to continue the blog. Its a new year, which.... doesn't really mean soo... yeah. Check back for updates, and check out my live video, most days starting at around 8-9pm Eastern time.

Another one of my awsome comics

noreply@blogger.com (Gary) — Fri, 07 Dec 2007 19:24:00 +0000

Long Face

School Rules the way they should be

noreply@blogger.com (Gary) — Sat, 01 Dec 2007 17:22:00 +0000

School Code of Rules and Regulations

Dress Code:

- Girls- Dressing like a whore or stripper is unacceptable. If any girl is found dressed this way, she will be dealt with privately in the principle’s office.

- School girl outfits are acceptable.

- Fat girls are to be fully clothed at ALL times. Violation of this rule is a level 3 felony and will have to be taken up in court.

- Guys can dress however they want. We don’t really care.

Drugs and Alcohol

Use of drugs or alcohol on school grounds is prohibited. Any drugs or alcohol confiscated by a teacher are to be disposed of in a trash bin near the teacher’s lounge.
If you bring one joint to class, you must bring enough to share with everyone. Not doing so will result in a letter sent to the parents requesting that the student not be sent back to school until he/she brings enough for the whole class.
Chemistry class is not for mixing drinks unless it is for educational purposes only, such as the affects of various types of alcohols on the body. Leftovers may be shared with other teachers. Keep the baking soda clearly labeled as baking soda, so as to not confuse it with crack.
Any syringes confiscated by a teacher are to be given to the school nurse for proper disposal.

Bullying

Shut up and get over it. This isn’t kindergarten anymore. If anyone is bullying you, get a gun and shoot his ass.

General Code of Conduct

Servicing oneself in the hallways is a level 2 felony. Anyone spotted engaging in such an act by a camera will be escorted into a private room by a staff member and may continue under proper supervision and video surveillance.
Public displays of affection are acceptable only if it is girl on girl.
Nun jokes are to be told in the presence of nuns. If they think the joke is funny, then it is ok to tell the joke to your classmates. Failure to comply to this rule will result in your name being printed on the “Sinners” list.
Public displays of anorexia are unacceptable. Eat a sandwich and get your life together.
Calling someone gay is unacceptable without substantial evidence. Once the evidence is properly examined and the accused is found to be truly gay, you may post his name on the “Sinners” list on the bulletin board in the main hallway.
Voicing your opinion is prohibited. This is not a democracy. Conform to the rules like everyone else and keep your damn comments to yourself.

Live Broadcast on Monday!

noreply@blogger.com (Gary) — Sat, 24 Nov 2007 16:43:00 +0000

Hey all! I will be doing a live broadcast Monday(nov. 26) at around 3pm EST, so do stop by and check it out. Seriously, it'll be worth it. I'll have jokes, stories, lots of randomness and even a special guest, so don't miss it!

New! I am going to do live broadcasts!

noreply@blogger.com (Gary) — Mon, 19 Nov 2007 22:45:00 +0000

Hey, anyone that is reading this. I am going to try out something new I haven't seen a lot of bloggers do. From time to time I'm going to go live on my webcam, and you can see it right here on my blog, at the top of this page. This is going to be pretty fun to try out. For anyone on the blog now, can you see the video? Also, I'd like some feedback as to what I can do. Right now I have just been talking about a whole bunch of nonsense, really. Hmm... Thats all really, enjoy the live video!

A depressing poem of sorts

noreply@blogger.com (Gary) — Sun, 18 Nov 2007 05:25:00 +0000

I'm not much of a poet, but its 12:25 am right now and I really want to post something compelling and thought-provoking. Something that really represents the human condition. So, here it is.

A Depressing Poem of Sorts

By Gary

I’m so depressed I could beat a cat,

With my metallic baseball bat.

I could walk down the street with pants on my head,

And chew on a piece of poisonous lead.

I’m so depressed I could walk out on my job,

And hang with my friend, “special needs Bob.”

Life means nothing, to me anymore

Because I found out my mom is a whore.

How I aced my job interview at Target/drug test

noreply@blogger.com (Gary) — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 17:47:00 +0000

A few days ago I got a call from target for an interview. So I went in and things went pretty well in my opinion. These are some of the questions I was asked and my responses to them.

Interviewer - Why do you want this job?
Me- Well, lets just say my current living arrangement depends on it. Seriously, if I don't get a job my parents will kick me out of the house. Think about it. Would you want me getting kicked out of the house on your conscience?

Interviewer - Tell me about yourself. What are your good qualities?
Me- Well, I can read, I don't have any mental illness, I'm not an alcoholic, and I have good hygiene.

Interviewer - Think of a time when you got into an argument with someone. How did you handle it?
Me - As far as arguments go, I like to be non-confrontational. I like to rationalize, you know, get to the root of the problem. Like this one time I got into an argument with my friend. I decided it was best not to make things worse and I simply agreed with what he was saying. The next day I slipped some drugs into his food right before he was going in for a drug test. He failed the test and was fired from his job. He's uhh... He's not doing so well right now. Apparently addiction runs in his family.

Interviewer - I see...And where did you get these drugs?
Me - Who?

Interviewer - Right.. Never mind. Ok, think of a time when you were working in a group, what was your role in the group or how did you contribute?
Me - There was one time when me and a group of friends tried to break into my neighbor's house. My role was to serve as a lookout at the door and see if anyone was coming. Eventually I saw someone coming so I ran like hell. My friends got arrested for breaking and entering.

Interviewer - Describe a time when you helped someone who needed help even though they didn't ask for it.
Me - Hmmm.... can I tell you about all the times I didn't help people who did ask for it?

Interviewer - Think of a time when you had to make a change you didn’t like, what was it and how did you deal with it?
Me - Well, one time my family was preparing for a fancy event and my mom told me to change my pants. I felt the ones I was wearing were just fine and did not require changing. I refused to change them and my parents went without me.

Interviewer - Think of a time when you were in a group and someone wasn’t doing their part, how did you handle it and what happened?
Me - Ok. There was one time when we had to do a project for school, it was a video project. And every time we had our meetings to do the video, one person would not show up. So eventually I had to call him and tell him to haul his ass over or he was out of the group. He was uhh.. pretty heavy on the mind altering substances at the time.

Thats all I can remember from the interview. They thought it over and felt I was perfect for a position as cashier. All that was left was doing a mandatory drug test. So, the next day I drove over to the lab and did the test. Some interesting things I noticed. First, the lady made me empty my pockets before going into the bathroom. Why is this necessary? Does she think I secretly have a vile of clean urine stashed in my pocket? Yeah, I keep a couple viles of frozen urine in my freezer just for these occasions. Well, I emptied my pockets and she handed me the cup, telling me in a stern voice "you have three minutes." This scared me for a second. What if I can't provide in three minutes? What happens then? I really don't like to be pressured when it comes to stuff like this. Bathroom time is the only time I get to just relax and enjoy some quiet. Lucky for me, I had finally mastered the ancient technique of urinating on command, and filled the cup to the minimum level, saving the rest for later. And thats basically whats been going on the past few days. I am waiting now for them to call me and give me a date for the next orientation.

Weird Art

noreply@blogger.com (Gary) — Mon, 12 Nov 2007 17:18:00 +0000

I've decided I'm going to try something new, which I like to call 'weird art'. Every week I am going to make some sort of weird or abstract thing, call it art, and post it here. For anyone reading this, participation is encouraged. Have some fun and unleash your creativity for once! Make something random and crazy, send it in and I'll post it here, along with a link to your blog or website if you have one. Anything can be considered art, as long as you put a little effort into it. So, here it is, the very first piece of 'Weird Art'.

I bet your cat can't do this

noreply@blogger.com (Gary) — Sun, 11 Nov 2007 00:01:00 +0000

This is a video I took of my cat on my cellphone a while ago. I don't let him go outside anymore.

How cool are you? Take this survey and find out!

noreply@blogger.com (Gary) — Fri, 09 Nov 2007 02:44:00 +0000

This is a survey to find out how cool you are. Answer every question with a 1 for Yes or Agree and a 2 for No or Disagree.

How cool are you?

1. You like to listen to rock music -
2. You have over 50 friends -
3. You pee sitting down -
4. You have a friend(thats a dude) who pees sitting down -
5. You have a friend that tells you he pees sitting down -
6. You like to intimidate old people -
7. You are intimidated by old people -
8. You wear a leather jacket all the time, regardless of the situation -
9. You like the smell of coffee in the morning -
10. The following statement is true. The previous statement is false.-
11.Peter piper picked a pickled pecker pepper porcupine(say it five times fast.)-
12. A pie in the sky is a fly in your eye(I don't know what this means either) -
13. You like to lick mysterious stains -
14. Testicles. This made you laugh -
15. You have Britney Spears exposing the doors to her baby chamber as your desktop background -
16. You have more than 50 greenlit articles on Fark.com -
17. You spend more than 10 minutes on myspace -
18. Toilet -

To find your total score, use this formula:

B is your score for all the odd numbers, A is the even numbers, and C is 2.

What does your score mean? It means you have just wasted 5 minutes of your life on the dumbest survey ever. You are now 10 IQ points dumber for having taken this survey.

P.S - Now you must send this to 15 other people within the next 24 hours. If you don't, a leprechaun will break into your house at night and rape you. Seriously. Don't ask me how I know this.

Weird Phobias

noreply@blogger.com (Gary) — Wed, 07 Nov 2007 22:39:00 +0000

I was bored today so I decided to look up some phobias, and I sure found some weird ones.

Doxophobia- Fear of expressing opinions
Joe-"So Bob, whats your opinion on this?"
Bob-"I'm afraid I can't tell you Joe."
Joe-"Oh come on, I won't be offended."
Bob-"No really, I have a fear of expressing opinions."
Joe- "Yeah? Well you weren't afraid to tell everyone you thought my wife was sleeping around with other men".
Bob -"Well, that was a fact."

Cacophobia- Fear of ugliness
"Its nothing personal. He is just afraid of you because you are ugly."

Catoptrophobia- Fear of mirrors
A sure sign that whomever has this must be a vampire.

Chronomentrophobia- Fear of clocks
Salvador Dali's painting makes sense now.
His painting is clearly an expression of the
nightmares he had about clocks as a child.

Epistemophobia- Fear of knowledge
Wow, you would have to be pretty stupid to have this fear.

Euphobia- Fear of hearing good news
Doctor - Jeff, I have something to tell you.
Jeff - Yes, Doctor? Is it about my wife?
Doctor - Yes, I'm afraid I have some good news.
Jeff - Oh, god, no!

Eurotophobia- Fear of female genitalia
I wonder how the treatment for this one works. "You must face your fears John....."

Geniophobia- Fear of chins
Jay Leno must be the ultimate monster for anyone that has this fear.

Lockiophobia- Fear of childbirth
Can men have this?

Menophobia- Fear of menstruation
.....Can men have this?

Proctophobia- Fear of rectums
"And what do you see in these dreams?"
"Rectums, everywhere!"
"I see...."

Walloonphobia- Fear of the Walloons
What the heck is a walloon?

Well thats it. I hope you enjoyed reading it. There are tons more, I just found those to be particularly interesting.

Classmate speech Evaluation

noreply@blogger.com (Gary) — Tue, 06 Nov 2007 22:50:00 +0000

Speech Topic - Sparta

Use of Visual Aids:

I think the visual aid was pretty effective. It was a video clip from the movie “300”, which was a damn good movie in my opinion. The action sequences were pretty awesome, and I especially liked the fat guy with the crab hands who decapitated everyone. That guy was badass!

Introduction:

Quite honestly, his introduction was awful. His attention getter was crap. It barely got my attention at all. Now, if his attention getter was literally a piece of crap, then that would have been totally nasty. What he should have done was yell “This is Spartaaaaaaaa!” And then proceed to stab the nearest person with a javelin. Now that would have been some attention getter. That also would have been a great way to connect with the audience. In this way, the audience could relate to the fear that a Persian might have felt just before being stabbed with a javelin in battle. He also established his credibility and previewed his main points, none of which I paid any attention to.

Body:

The main bulk of his speech was so boring, I had to jab myself in the neck with a pencil just to keep myself awake. Now I have an infection. The only interesting thing about his speech was when he stepped away from the podium and everyone noticed his zipper was open. That must have been embarrassing. And he noticed it too, because after he stepped back behind the podium he tried to nonchalantly slip one hand behind the podium to zip up his pants while holding his note cards in his other hand and talking about the Peloponnesian war. And yes, he cited his sources and all that other crap

Conclusion:

In conclusion, this is one of the worst speeches I have ever heard. He talked in such a slow monotonous voice I thought I could feel time slowing down. His eye contact was alright I guess. What he could have done though, was to get those cool eye contacts that make your eyes look like cat eyes or something. That would have been pretty neat. He had barely any sort of conversational tone. He was about as enthusiastic as Steven Hawking talking about anything.

Overall Delivery:

I already discussed this. No need to do it twice.

Rating:

Overall, he did a really great job…in putting me to sleep. I would give this speech a -2 out of 10. He never yelled “This is Spartaaaa!” which is something I would have expected. The only good thing about his speech was the video clip he showed, which technically doesn’t count as part of his speech.

Words of consolation

noreply@blogger.com (Gary) — Sun, 04 Nov 2007 23:45:00 +0000

Uhh.. Just disregard my previous post for anyone who has read it. And if you are reading this first, don't even bother scrolling to read the next post. Just skip it entirely. Instead, enjoy this crappy little comic I just drew in MS Paint.

Nothing but stupid.....

noreply@blogger.com (Gary) — Sat, 03 Nov 2007 03:23:00 +0000

Is pretty much how I am feeling right now. Ugh... Does nothing ever go right for me? I think I should call this blog "everything is crap and nothing ever goes right". I think I would break 100 posts before the month is even over if that was the theme. Hmm... Maybe I should explain why I am feeling this way right now. Its a bit strange really, how it started. Well, a few days ago I had a dream about a girl I knew from high school. Dreams are a funny thing, aren't they? I forgot about this girl a long time ago. She was in one of my classes in junior year and we were in a SAT class together for a few weeks. We didn't really have much interaction. So, randomly I have this dream where she and I hang out. At least I think it was her. I don't know why, but this dream gave me a really funny feeling, and all of a sudden I really liked her. So, I tried to find her on myspace. No luck there, even though she once told me she had one. Eventually I found her on facebook and sent her a message. Then I looked at her profile. One thing I noticed was her college graduation year was listed as '10. So, when I was in my junior year she was already in her senior year, which I didn't know at the time. Well, the deal breaker came when I saw it said she was engaged. Well, now I feel stupid for even bothering to contact her. Its weird though, that feeling left after I found her facebook, but before I read any of her info. I guess its because my memory of that dream is so vague now. But I only found this out after I had contacted her. But seriously though, doesn't she read the statistics? Engaged at 19 or 20? Marriage at that age only leads to a very quick divorce. And thats not a lie, there have been many studies that have shown this to be true. Well, I just feel like an idiot now. Why did I even bother? She is at a completely different point in her life than I am. Anyway... this was just a pointless rant to vent my frustration. Its nice when you can do that sometimes. I will try and write something funny in the next few days. But if anyone has any advice on how to end this, I would appreciate it. She replied to my message, and said she couldn't remember who I was. So I put up a picture myself, and told her I did so. So far, she hasn't replied. Maybe she still won't remember me, and it can end there.

My crazy Story Pt. 2

noreply@blogger.com (Gary) — Fri, 02 Nov 2007 00:08:00 +0000

Well, it was Halloween yesterday. Thats as much as I will say about Halloween. Now, on to the important stuff. Here is part two of my epic tale of how Tom Cruise and the Queen of England tried to take over the world. If you haven't already, read part one first.

Before launching an attack, the Queen decided to negotiate a surrender just for laughs. So she traveled to America once again. Upon landing in Washington D.C, she requested a private chat with Bush and Cheney. "You see, the thing is every country in the world hates America," she said plainly. "If I was to rule, I could make a few changes." Cheney responded by shooting her. Again. That was the last straw in a package of very few straws. The Queen went back to England, and launched the first attack on America.

What followed was the most terrifying event in America history. Chaos broke out as an army giant....vicious...man eating....genetically engineered....Michael Moore clones began attacking innocent people in Florida. Soon they spread out, eating everything in sight and wreaking havok all throughout the country. No one was safe. People trying to get out of the country by plane were too late-the clones had taken over the airports. All traffic was stopped, and navigating the streets was difficult. Some people tried to flee to Mexico, but to no avail. Having heard about the attacks, the Mexican border patrol made sure no one made it past the border. Ironic, isn't it? The clones had taken over, and there was nothing anyone could do to stop them. If only there was someone brave enough to somehow get to England and stop the Queen...But who?

George Bush.....was not going to be one of those people. A day after the attacks began, he was eaten by a clone while trying to escape through the back window of his house. Tragic as it may seem, all hope was not lost. For in the midst of all this chaos, three heroes rose to the occasion.

Oblivious to all that was going on outside, Arnold Schwarzenegger was busy working out in his private gym. A little bit on the chunky side due to his term as governor, he was trying desperately to get back into shape. One of his biggest challenges was maintaining a proper Ass-Mass ratio, which he was measuring just before his frightened agent ran in and gave him the frightening news of the frightening events going on outside. Arnold turned on the TV and saw Cheney delivering a statement saying that it was Tom Cruise and the Queen who had launched the attacks. Arnold knew that it was up to him to once again defeat evil and save the world. But first, he would have to assemble a team to help him in his quest. And so, gathering a large assortment of baked goods, he headed out to find the only two people he knew who could help him: Lindsey Lohan, for her amazing ability to disappear by turning sideways, and Hugh Grant, to translate.

Finding Lindsey wasn't difficult. After searching through some malls and shopping centers, he accidentally found her when he tripped over a rock and fell near a crack in the ground. It turns out she had fallen through it a week ago, and no one noticed. After helping her get out, Arnold told her it was up to them to stop the invasion at it's source. She agreed, and they quickly set out to find Hugh Grant, while at the same time evading hordes of fiendish clones. By the time they got to Hugh's house, Arnold had thrown his last donut. Hugh let them in, and Arnold told him of his plans to stop Tom and the Queen. Hugh agreed to help, and this unlikely team of heroes began their journey to England.

Why I hate making phone calls

noreply@blogger.com (Gary) — Tue, 30 Oct 2007 00:53:00 +0000

Well, its not so much that I hate making phone calls, its just that every time I call someone things always seem to go wrong. For some reason I can never recognize the voice of the person who picks up the phone. I don't know why. There is face blindness, and there is phone voice blindness. And for people who have face blindness, you know how hard it can be. Sometimes regardless of who picks up the phone, I ask if I can speak to the person whom I wish to talk to. Other times, I think I know who it is and just start talking while the other person is confused as hell. Then I realize my mistake, quickly hang up, and sit in a corner and feel stupid. This could last anywhere from 10 minutes to many many hours until I can finally move on. A recent example:

*dials number*.....
Mysterious Voice: Hello?
Me: Hey, whats up?
Mysterious Voice: Uh... hi?
Me: So.. whats going on?
Mysterious Voice: Who is this?
Me: Oh, what.. Err.. this is Gary.*Now I start to panic* Uhh... are you Chris, is Chris there?
Mysterious Voice: (What I Heard) This is his girlfriend. (What he really said) He is with his girlfriend.
Me: *Thinking he said the former, as a joke* Very funny, you are not.
Mysterious Voice: What?
Me: Oh, you said.. He is with his girlfriend?
Mysterious Voice: Yeah.
Me: Oh, well I don't know when to call back. I'm just calling to say happy birthday, because its his birthday today, if you can just tell him I called.
Mysterious Voice: Ok, I'll tell him you called.
*Click*

So, who was this mysterious voice? It was his dad. I thought about it after the call, and it definitely sounded like his voice. My friend has some brothers too, which is why I was confused at first. I thought it might have been one of his brothers who had answered the phone. They like to joke around, which is why I heard "this is his girlfriend" and didn't think much about it. I'm sure his dad doesn't have that kind of sense of humor. Overall, that was a pretty awkward call, which is the point I'm trying to make. Now I feel like sitting in that corner. I don't know, maybe I am thinking too much into this? Maybe I just need to work on my communication skills a little more. Oh well, whatever.

If you could interview God.....

noreply@blogger.com (Gary) — Sun, 28 Oct 2007 18:59:00 +0000

Well, this really feels like a professional blog now, because, for no reason whatsoever, I am going to promote a book. This book sounds like a really great read. It's called "The Louie/God Interviews (What The Big Fella Really Thinks About Man And The Universe)" by Louie Lawent. Here is a neat description of the book: Are the days of "God speaks to Man" a relic of the past? Not according to Louie Lawent, who at the turn of the new millennium landed a series of exclusive interviews with The Supreme Being. Louie grills God about his checkered career, but it's done benignly and a frustrated Creator makes a good case for himself - well, most of the time. The interviews cover biblical happenings, His propensity to smite, evolution, pop culture, and a God who believes He's the victim of a disinformation campaign. It's "The Far Side" meets "The Thinker" meets the "Frat Boy." A God who considered creation "a good day in the hood."

What Hollywood director would God choose to direct his life story? What part do the Three Stooges play in the Rapture? What about his pet peeves? How do Americans amaze God? What's his favorite political joke? Did the aliens really land at Roswell? A God not exactly enamored by the human race.

Louie: What is your real opinion of people?

God: They're like radio songs that are fine for the car ride home, but you'd never purchase them to be part of your master collection.

Louie: Do you have a guidebook to help make your decisions on Judgment
Day?

God: The Starr Report is any good God's starting point.

God remarks, "I don't think I could be elected God. I'd lose to some would-be savior who said, 'Read my lips - No more sense of shame.' We have occasional pep rallies in heaven. While years ago they sang rousing psalms of 'God for eternity' now I get a qualified endorsement of '4 more years, 4 more years.'"

Also, I got an exclusive e-mail interview with the man himself who interviewed the man himself:

First, the basic question. What inspired you to write this book?
"I'm probably no different than many people in that I've wondered if there truly is a God. Do we believe in the truthfulness of the writers of the bible. Science tells us the world is 13 to 14 billion years old, while the bible tells us that the world is less than 7000 years old. How can this be reconciled? I find it interesting that in the 2nd Epistle general of Peter, a verse says "For we have not followed cunningly devised fables, when we made known unto you the power and coming of our Lord Jesus Christ, but were eyewitnesses of his majesty." So, even then there were concerns of whether fact or fiction was in play. But, in addition to my deep philosophical questions, I've always had an absurd sense of humor so the thought of combining my interest in God and the craziness of our world proved irresistible."

When you first contacted God, how did he feel about the interview?
"First of all, it took forever to talk to Him. I had to jump through a lot of hoops. I was vetted by His investigators, but eventually I won them over. God wanted an advance copy of the questions but I was firm and told him "Louie don't play that." He was concerned that the intent of the interview was to show Him in a bad light. I assured him that I simply wanted Him to have a forum to express His views. It was either me or the NY Times and He knew he'd get a fairer hearing from me. He was fed up with their editorials."

Before the interview, what were your expectations? In the end, did it turn out how you expected, or did you get some surprises?
"One thing that surprised me was His description of what He looked like when He was born. It was shocking. Your readers will have to find out for themselves once they read the book. I don't want to spoil it for them."

How was it interviewing the big guy himself? Were you a little starstruck at first?
"Yes I was starstruck. The biggest interview I snared before this was a slow-moving milkman with a bad case of fungus."

In your interview with God, did he at all mention Jesus? What has he been up to these days besides appearing in fence posts and sandwiches? Whats the deal with that anyway?
"Jesus is on a sabbatical. As far as the fenceposts, God had no comment."

How do you think people will view God after reading this book? Do you think their opinion will change, and if so for better or for worse?
"I think people will have a deeper belief in God. They will see how tough the Big Guy has it. He gets grief from all sides."

Now that you've interviewed God, who will be next on your list? Maybe....Satan perhaps?
"The milkman's wife."

And thats pretty much it. Exciting stuff, I think. So if you are interested, go and check out his book.

Bio & Book Info: Louie is also the author of "Gerty the Pig". A co-written pop rock song of his, entitled "Pop Star" (performed & co-written by Billy Livesay) is currently being played on U.S. radio stations. "The Louie/God Interviews (What The Big Fella Really Thinks About Man And The Universe)" is available online at Amazon and Barnes&Noble and may be ordered at your local book store. Check out his myspace page at www.myspace.com/louielawent

Global Warming - The Silent Killer

noreply@blogger.com (Gary) — Wed, 24 Oct 2007 03:12:00 +0000

This is a rough draft of my paper on global warming. Enjoy.

The environment is a serious issue which should not be taken lightly. Without the environment, many life-forms would not be able to exist, including humans. Humans need the environment to survive, but paradoxilicilaly they are also destroying it. One aspect of the environment that is being destroyed is the atmosphere. This destruction of the atmosphere can be called Global Warming (dun dun dun… scary music). Global warming is the warming of the global temperature. (This is all I can think of, so here is the thesis statement.) The future effects of global warming on the environment could be devastating if the U.S and other developed countries do not take certain measures to reduce emissions of harmful gasses into the atmosphere.
What is global warming? Repeating myself, global warming is the warming of the earth’s global temperature. Once again, for clarification, it is the warming of the earth’s global temperature. Al Gore did a documentary on Global Warming (dun dun dun.. scary music) called “An inconvenient truth”. In this documentary, Al Gore talks about this phenomenon and discusses its effects. During the movie, he rode in this really cool elevator thing which he used to show how high the temperatures went up over a long period of time. He went up pretty high, so that’s saying something. There is also something called the greenhouse effect. This effect demonstrates the basics of Global Warming (dun dun dun.. scary music). So, here is the way this works. It really is pretty simple. Not a hard concept to grasp. In this greenhouse effect, there is a glass house( in which, as you know, stone throwing is discouraged) and in this glass house are various plants. The sun heats up the inside of the house, and the glass keeps the hot air from escaping. This is how global warming works, only humans are the plants. But what are the plants then? Well, that is a subject for a different paper. Now that you understand the concepts of Global Warming (dun dun dun.. scary music) I will discuss how it affects us humans and animals and other stuff too.
What sorts of things has global warming affected? Well, as Al Gore stated,"Global warming will be the greatest environmental challenge in the 21st century." In my opinion, I agree with this statement. Anyway, what has global warming affected? For one thing, it has melted the ice caps( icecaps.com). It has also melted a lot of icebergs and such. This is both good and bad. A good thing is that now we can have another Titanic and not have to worry about hitting an iceberg. But a bad thing is that the ice melts into water, which adds to the water already there and this could cause floods and thousands dead(that was a sentence fragment, and no, I will not consider revising it). Another thing global warming affects is weather. Some sources say global warming has resulted in stronger storms. This is evidenced by the stronger storms we have had in recent years. Also,(insert some data and statistics here). This basically proves everything I have stated so far.
Global warming also has serious effects on other things as well. One of these seriously affected things is animals/plants. How exactly does global warming affect these things? Well, for one thing, the flooding in Antarctica due to global warming has already drowned thousands of penguins and polar bears. Think of all those poor penguins. Their life is hard enough as it is, what with having to make a trip all the way across Antarctica to birth their babies, and then this global warming happens and makes things even harder.
Not only are animals affected, but plants are affected as well. Some plants can only thrive in a certain climate. Because of global warming, the temperature rises and the plants either have to adapt or they die out. This in turn causes a domino effect. If the plants die, then the animals who eat those plants die as well. The natural balance of nature is disturbed, which causes a wormhole to open up in the middle of the earth and suck everything into it.
What are some possible ways to combat global warming? Well, physically there is no way, because global warming is not a single entity. But there may be ways to thwart global warming by not giving it what it feeds on. Namely, carbons dioxide. More and more of these carbons are entering the atmosphere and feeding global warming. Global warming in turn digests this and excretes a gas which traps heat. Once we stop feeding global warming, it will shrivel up and die. So, where does global warming get its nourishment? From us humans, of course. From our cars, our power stations, and aerosol cans. If we can find a ways to regulate the expansion of these gases, maybe we could stop global warming in its tracks, and eventually run it off the tracks and into a ditch from which it will never be able to get out of.
In conclusion, everything I said is true and was in no way made up, fabricated, or exaggerated. If you don’t believe me, just look/go to www.google.com and look it up. Its all there.