Being a rock star means having an unlimited supply of vagina available to you. But what if you feel the need to have a vagina to be you?

Against Me front man Tom Gabel has the pipes, licks and lyrics that have made him a rock god. He also has gender dysphoria, which means he now wants to be a rock goddess.

We’ll be a fan of Tom when he becomes a she. Freaky? Creepy? Kooky? Gay? Whatever, it takes balls to be true to yourself… or does it?

[Join the conversation about ... Tom Gabel.]

noun.     a tendency to move between feminine and masculine gender-typed behavior depending on context.

See: Every female college basketball coach.

Tom (soon to be Laura) is not attracted to men, rather he favors women and plans on staying with his wife with whom he has a daughter. Wow, and you thought your wife was understanding about pissing on the lid.

Boy = Girl Blues

Tired of the rat race? Runnin’ from the law? Looking forward to sh*tting in a hand-dug hole for the rest of your life? If you answered yes to any of the above questions, it may be time for you to “live off the grid.”

We know a cat with a college degree who changed his name to Freedom, gave away all his stuff and moved out West. He lives in the woods in an old RV with an older broad and a two-legged cat. The gal may not shower daily, but she has a monster set of natural hangers and a pretty smile. They barter, grow pot and only go into town for essential provisions like rope, matches and ranch dressing.

Freedom bathes in a stream, forages for food and doesn’t use electricity. The freakiest part? He’s happy. Why would one want to disappear and drop out of society? Plenty do.

[Join the conversation about ... Living Off the Grid.]

adj.     1. self-governing.     2. not reliant on outside control.     3. functioning independently.

One of the most famous people to live and die off the grid (due to a series of bad luck and/or poor decisions) was Chris McCandless. Some of the final words in his journal were "happiness is only real when shared." Sean Penn directed a movie based on the book Into The Wild about McCandless.

One of the great things about the USA is the ability to freely travel throughout the country. However, if you are a sasquatch you may want to keep your furry ass in the Pacific Northwest.

You see, it’s not just illegal immigrants that Texas doesn’t cotton to. They also hate all fictional hirsute, anthropoid-like mammals with big feet.

In fact, if you catch Bigfoot snooping around on your land in the Lone Star state, it is perfectly legal to blow his head clean off. If Bigfoot just so happens to be homosexual and looking to marry his partner in Texas, you are encouraged to napalm that immoral sonofabitch.

Figure it out, sasquatches! There is only one Chewbacca* and you ain’t him. Don’t mess with Texas!

[Join the conversation about ... Huntin' a Legend.]

Pass the dutchie to the left hand side, broseph!

noun.     an animal, plant or creature whose existence has been proposed but never proven.

Used incorrectly by a Los Angeles cop investigating a gang shooting: "At first I thought a Blood committed this crime, but judging by the wall tags it looks like a cryptid."

A work crew claimed to have found Bigfoot tracks in Bluff Creek, CA in 1958. When one the crewmen, Ray Wallace, passed away in 2002, his children came forward with two huge wooden feet that their father had used to make the tracks.

Other Things That May/May Not Exist

No matter what kind of hose she’s handling, Emma Carr knows how to quell a passionate fire. 

The 38-year-old libidinous limey is not only a hardworking firefighter by day, but a high-end call girl at night. Whether she’s swinging an axe or shaking her ass, Emma is adept in any steamy situation.

What’s the genesis of such a unique dual career? We think it has something to do to with sliding up and down a hard pole all day long.

[Join the conversation about ... Fahrenheit Floozy.]

noun.     slang term for a fire engine, a.k.a pump truck.  

Used in a sentence by a fire captain at an elderly woman’s small yard fire when the fire truck shows up: "No need to pumper boys, just grab her cans and start tossing."

In 1986 a volunteer firefighter, Janet Hightower, was booted from the Ponderosa Volunteer Fire Department in Houston for posing nude in the May issue of Playboy.

Funny, we would have given the red-headed siren a raise (pun intended).

Fire Fighting History

We normally aren’t of mind to judge a book by its cover, but thanks to BMW we can immediately identify a**holes by looking at their owners.

Mercedes, Lincoln, Cadillac and Lexus are luxury auto makers as well, but their drivers have something in common…humanity.

A man is suing BMW, claiming his motorcycle has caused his hang low to be at full mast for over 20 months. Interesting… a prick is suing a bunch of dicks for a dynamic perk.

[Join the conversation about ... BMW Boner.]

noun.     a condition in which one suffers from a persistent, long-lasting and often painful erection.  

Used in a sentence: Seeing the silver lining of his priapism, Todd popped a few percocets for pain and then headed to the whorehouse for a memorable afternoon.

BMW owns Husqvarna, a prominent producer of motorcycles and chainsaws.

Uppity lumberjacks?  Jeee-Zhusss!

Beemer Buffoons?

In the 1980s fantasy sports leagues were solely for newspaper sifting loners that never had the pleasure of touching a woman. Today, thanks to the internet and an incredibly innovative site, DraftStreet, fantasy sports leagues are now a multi-billion dollar business played by everyone from nuns to CEOs.

No one in the game has elevated the possibilities, advancements and options of fantasy sports league play like DraftStreet. With varying league sizes, league durations, draft styles and entry fees, there is a league for everyone. Play multiple teams in multiple leagues every night with no commitment.

Bottom line, no matter your chosen dosage, DraftStreet assures that you will get your full fantasy fix plus the opportunity to win some serious cash. DraftStreet makes it easy to sign up, compete and play in multiple ways.

TTP readers can sign up today and compete to win $200 in an exclusive FREE league that DraftStreet has provided. Click here to get started.

Word up, Tommy! Say hello to the new team owner/manager of TTPBombers.

noun.     traditional draft method when team owners take turns choosing from an available roster of players.

Used in a sentence: Snake drafts can be time consuming; DraftStreet also offers a salary cap draft option that only takes five minutes.

DraftStreet not only pays you out if you win in your league. You also earn points for every game played which can be redeemed in their store for vouchers into cash leagues or DraftStreet SWAG. Also, recruit friends and earn money for every dollar they spend… forever!

One Day Play Exclusively for TTP Readers

It’s plausible that a dentist could accidentally pull every tooth out of patient’s mouth, especially if the dentist is Polish, but finding out that she did it on purpose? That bites.

When a trusting ex-lover of a dentist recently went to get his chops checked by his psycho piece-o’-ass from the past in Poland, she put him under and surgically removed each one of his pearly browns.

Now stuck with a gaping bloody maw, dude is suing for malpractice and loss after his current girlfriend tossed him out for not having teeth. Now that is something to truly flap your gums about.

[Join the conversation about ... Dental Plan from Hell.]

adj.     delicious, pleasant, sexually attractive.

Used in a sentence: Age be damned, Ellen Barkin has and always will be a toothsome morsel.

Of 22 occupations examined in Washington state, dentists had a suicide rate second only to that of sheep herders and wool workers. Disconcerting news for our Washington readers planning on a career in wool working.

Types of Dental Malpractice

If we’ve taken anything away from the recent Secret Service sex scandal in Colombia, it’s that one should always honor the previously agreed upon rate when paying a local, hard-working prostitute.

The bogus firing/dismissal of a number of agents for cutting loose in Colombia is nothing more than hypocrisy cloaked in morality.

Had illegal guns been traded for illicit drugs (hi CIA) or someone been killed, we could understand the furor. Had the President’s itinerary been stapled on hotel room ceilings, then yes a breach of security was committed.

But losing your job for being incompetent and committing adultery? Hell, we thought those were prerequisites to run for Congress.

[Join the conversation about ... Secret Service.]

Uh, Horst, how do you think this whole thing got started?

adj.     detestable, loathsome, disgusting.

Used in a sentence: Sexual slavery is abhorrent, however if an attractive gal willingly decides to make a buck or two in a country where prostitution is legal, that is her business.

Per Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano, the misconduct of secret servicemen in Colombia did NOT pose any risk to the President of the United States, nor to National Security.

Avoiding Future Misbehavior

While her proclivity to quaff down Activia yogurt no doubt makes her a “regular” gal, her ageless beauty, ferocious acting chops and Hollywood lineage suggest otherwise. This month’s Dame We Dig is none other than the source for all trouser tearing tumescence at the multiplex in the 1980s, Jamie Lee Curtis.  

Were it not for looking upon Jamie Lee’s lovely lunch trays in 1983’s Trading Places, we never would have won first place in our junior high arm wrestling tournament.

Married to the hilarious Christopher Guest, Jamie no doubt has a fantastic sense of humor, and she is one of the few old school actresses who has managed to not disfigure her face with plastic surgery. Gray hair be damned, Jamie Lee, you still have what it takes.

[Join the conversation about ... Jamie Lee Curtis.]

Perhaps, sister, but we’ll always have the classics. Curtis is now an occasional HuffPo blogger and children’s book author.

adj.     harmful, injurious.  

Used in a sentence: For decades there has been a deleterious and unproven rumor that Curtis was born a hermaphrodite.

Halloween (1978) was Jamie Lee’s first movie. Director John Carpenter hired her to play the lead, Laurie Strode, as an homage to Alfred Hitchcock, who cast Jamie Lee’s mom, Janet, for his classic film Psycho.

Is She a He?

Legendary television and radio show host Dick Clark died yesterday at the age of 82, causing teenagers nationwide to say, "Who?" Clark died of a massive heart attack, apparently after hearing Madonna was still attempting to make relevant dance music.

Clark was host of American Bandstand, $100,000 Pyramid, and Bloopers and Practical Jokes, to name just a few. His nice guy style and willingness to give teens a voice on television will never be forgotten.

Thank God we still have Ryan Sea… dammit, Dick, come back!!!

[Join the conversation about ... Dick Clark.]

No wait, it was Dick Clark who said that.

noun.     an affectionate or humorous nickname.  

Used in a sentence: Dick Clark’s sobriquet was "America’s Oldest Teenager."

One of Clark’s many homes was in Malibu and was modeled after Fred and Wilma’s house on The Flintstones. Clark put it on the market in March for $3.5 million. No word if the pterodactyl record player was included.

Didjaknow Bandstand Edition

Perhaps it’s due to the refinement gained during our formative years, but when it comes to having unprotected sex in a bathroom stall at a rock concert, we like to keep it classy and secure our cohort’s name prior to impassioned pumpage. 

This spirited maiden, however, was so wooed by the idyllic harmonies and romantic poesy of Motorhead at a concert in February that she allowed herself to be anonymously taken in the can by a mystery man.

Turns out she’s now with child. Fortunately, she’s no dummy. As a responsible and sensible adult, she is using Craigslist to find the unknown father. No doubt her parents are beaming with pride.

[Join the conversation about ... Rock-n-Bone.]

noun.     slang term meaning to have anonymous unprotected sex, then leave as soon as the act is complete.

See the text in the woman’s Craigslist ad.

Craigslist was started in 1995 by Craig Newmark in San Francisco. It was originally intended to just be a classified ad site for the San Francisco Bay Area. Today, it is used worldwide in over 500 cities and more than 50 countries.

Crass Concert Conduct

Cinema… the great escape hatch. Two hours of cerebral vacation lubed up with fake buttered popcorn and a darkened theater to take it all in.

A time to blow off your own mental graffiti, grab a board and ride the waves of a reckless celluloid visionary. Perhaps one whose yarns you may not necessarily cotton too, but whose ideas may lift a brow, force a discussion or alter your outlook.

Yes indeed, we love TnA, wrecks and special effects as much as the next guy, but sometimes the most interesting and thought provoking films are the indies. Many suck, but the ones that are good can sometimes be excellent.

[Join the conversation about ... Independent Film.]

noun.     a filmmaker with a distinct voice and style.

See: Jim Jarmusch, John Sayles, David Cronenberg, Whit Stillman.

Independent films count on the festival circuit (Sundance, Slamdance, SXSW, etc.) to not only get their films seen, but also hopefully find distribution. Since the 1990s all of Hollywood’s "big five" now have independent film divisions.

Good? Bad? Brilliant?

One hundred years ago today, 2,224 people boarded the Titanic in Southampton, England for her first and only voyage. Four days later 1,514 people died as the boat sank after hitting an iceberg.  

The luxury cruise liner had every modern day amenity and extravagance. Passengers included society’s elite, hopeful immigrants and some annoying jackass who stood on the bow and kept yelling he was "king of the world." He later got to paint some rich chick’s boobs in a… wait that was the movie.

[Join the conversation about ... The Titanic.]

Nice jinx, dude.

adj.     lacking courage.

Used in a sentence: Daniel Buckley was a pusillanimous passenger aboard the Titanic. He actually disguised himself as woman to get aboard a lifeboat.

Morgan Robertson wrote a book 14 years prior to the Titanic sinking about a fictional boat, the largest in the world, that hit an iceberg on an April night. The name of the boat: The Titan.

That Sinking Feeling

We’ve seen them come and go. Flash in the pans, also-rans, one hit wonders and rock star video pretenders. Some bands get their 15 minutes then fade, others don’t get a shot at all.

The Bottle Rockets enjoyed a brief kiss on the cheek from the fickle twins, Fame and Fortune, in the mid '90s, then got rolled over by an untimely wave of a shifting scene. Thankfully, true musicians and songwriters don’t bail on their craft when crowds thin out and the venues get smaller.

Singer and songwriter Brian Henneman is the best damn songwriter you’ve never heard of. His lyrics vacillate between humor, poignancy and heartbreak. Henneman is Springsteen whose scratch off ticket never fully paid out, but fortunately for us, his fans, he continues to share his sonic riches.

[Join the conversation about ... The Bottle Rockets.]

noun.     roomy sub-genre of music that takes influences from country, rock-n-roll, honky-tonk and bluegrass; lyrical content is typically homespun American themes.

Used in a sentence: The Bottle Rockets used to sell shirts at their gigs that said, “What in the hell is alt-country?”

The lead singer and songwriter, Brian Henneman, used to roadie for Uncle Tupelo. When Jeff Tweedy left to form Wilco, he asked Brian to play on their first record, A.M. Tweedy still pops up  from time to time at the occasional Bottle Rockets gig to perform a song or two with his old friend.

Treasured Tunes

When it comes to spring break, few things compliment a bald head and beer gut more than a “Oh my God, your epidermis is in flames!” sunburn.  

Each year it never fails. We step onto the beach to grab a little color before dabbing on our SPF 400, and the next thing you know we look like Red Skull after eating a golf ball-sized hunk of wasabi.

After seven aloe baths, a crate of frozen peas to rest on the skin and two bottles of Bayer, the ole burn sinks in and we’re beautifully tanned… for a moment or two, then the peeling begins. What have we learned? We sip our cocktails in the shade.

[Join the conversation about ... Sunburns.]

noun.     dark, mole-like cancerous tumors that form due to unrepaired and damaged skin cells. Most often caused by the ultraviolet rays of the sun, a person’s risk of melanoma doubles if they have had more than five sunburns.

Used in a sentence: Melanoma is the most dangerous form of skin cancer.

There is no such thing as a healthy suntan. Any change in your natural skin color is a sign of skin damage. Every time your skin color changes after sun exposure, your risk of developing sun-related ailments increases.

Worst Places to Get Sunburned

Motherhood can be like sex. Some women find it awkward and inconvenient, some have no idea what they’re doing, some are remarkably adroit, and some are downright FREE-KAYYY!

Look no further than former “Clueless” actress Alicia Silverstone for the latter, who has just recently posted video of herself on the web chewing up her son’s food and then spitting it directly into his mouth. The kicker? The boy has hands!

It’d be different if Silverstone was just an unknown, kooky mom broadcasting her unorthodox parenting on the internet, but the fact that she is a celebrity means her poor kid, Bear Blu, will be growing up with more than just a goofy name, but also with a bad taste in his mouth.

[Join the conversation about ... Alicia Silverstone.]

Nice one, Tenneva. Of course, that is also true in the Silverstone house… after she chews all the flavor out of the pie.

noun.     to chew.  

Used in a sentence: Charles hit the roof when he found out his ex-wife was helping her child masticate.

Giraffes are born with the mother standing up. The typical fall of a baby giraffe is five to seven feet.

One reason the birthing giraffes stand is to keep a lookout for predators. The other reason is that it is nearly impossible to get a 1800 pound giraffe’s legs in examination stirrups.

Mom-Oh Bizarro?

When it comes to religious zealots, one of our very favorites is Pat Robertson. The twisted televangelist is funnier than a Chinaman’s haircut and just as wonderfully offensive as the previous terminology.

Whether stating that Haiti was hit because God didn’t vibe with their voodoo or that Katrina crushed New Orleans because God isn’t down with bare boobs for beads, Robertson’s delusional diatribes continue to baffle and delight.

Pat’s latest: If Peyton Manning gets injured playing for the Broncos, it will be because God was upset with how the team treated Tim Tebow.

Pat, you idiot, God is a Jets fan — he willed this trade to happen.

[Join the conversation about ... Pat Robertson.]

C’mon, Pat, destroy capitalism?

adj.     outrageously disgraceful or shameful.

Used incorrectly in a sentence if a man’s name was Probious and he was having sex with a vocal lover: “Opprobious!”

Pat used to play poker. Thanks to his website, his followers can breathe a sigh of relief knowing he now lists his favorite parlor game as “none.”

Parlor games: The gateway activity that leads to men wearing mutton chops and leather breeches.

Things We Look Forward to Hearing from Pat

Other than the mental defectives that drive around with stuffed animals on their back dash, you can’t always tell a lot about a person by the kind of car that they drive.

Thank goodness for vanity license plates. For example, that’s not just any old Honda, that Honda belongs to TERRY T, and he’s damn glad you know about it. The two ladies in the Jetta aren’t just friends, they’re proud lesbians who enjoy E10BVER.

Some folks, of course, should never get personalized car tags. Like, say, a drug smuggler driving 20 plus pounds of blast over the Canadian border. Pretty FNDUMA?

[Join the conversation about ... van8tpl8s.]

noun.     banned words, phrases or letter/number combinations considered obscene or in poor taste by the issuing state.  

Used in a sentence: Charlie was amazed BLUBALZ wasn’t on the blue list.

In 2008, Saeed Abdel Ghaffar Khouri, 25, of Abu Dhabi paid the equivalent of 14 million dollars so that he could have the license plate that read "1." 

Can we please go ahead and invent a car that runs on garbage so we can quit giving these a**holes our hard earned money for oil?

Vanity Plates Because?

For lesser men, the remote and a bottle of hot sauce are all the gear they need for a meaningful weekend. Others aren’t happy unless an arctic gust nearly blows them off the summit, or a Kodiak bites their Rossignols in two.

Given your rugged features and carabiner scrotal piercing, it’s clear that you’re an outdoor badass. What do outdoor badasses need? (Besides hot chicks feeding them gorp?) The best active clothing and adventure accessories, of course.

Thanks to Active Junky, you can load up on all you need from top stores like Moosejaw, Patagonia and REI for the very best prices. How? You’re the adventurer, sign up and find out.

Correct, J.R.R., but all those that pay retail are idiots.

noun.     1. media section found on Active Junky discussing action sports and outdoor sporting news.     2. with an extra "x," an English rock band. 

Used in a sentence: Did you see The Fix today? Nope, but I saw them twice in the '80s.

Retailers give Active Junky a commission every time one of their members —who can sign up for free — makes a purchase. Active Junky wins by making money, the retail site wins by making a sale, and the consumers win by saving money and getting a great product at a great price.

Who Should Join

A religious group blessed a highway in Florida last year, hoping to keep out any pagan riff raff. Ironically, the sheer power of their pious force field also trapped a few doubters inside their county.

This past weekend, a group of atheists got together and “unblessed” the same roadway with (un)holy water, aka Bud Light Platinum.

In the end, the joke is on the atheists who don’t know that the church officials did the initial blessing with their fingers crossed while saying no “double backsies” or “reversies.”

[Join the conversation about ... Road (Un)Cleansing.]

Well said, Al. Imagine the faces of the Branch Davidians when they discovered that not only was David Koresh not Jesus, but the dude was also shy a fire extinguisher or two.

adj.     making a hypocritical show of religious devotion.  

Used in a sentence: It was possible Peter’s dog, Dutch, loved Jesus, but it seemed a bit sanctimonious to baptize him.

The religious group responsible for the roadway blessing, Polk Under Prayer (PUP), also placed “prayer bricks” with Biblical scripture near the side of the road. No word if the atheists plan on sandblasting the bricks.

Celebrity

Two thousand and fifty-five years ago today salad icon, Julius Caesar, was stabbed to death in the Roman Senate.  Bad blood or bad anchovies?  Who cares?

It’s March Madness bay-bee!  The NCAA Tournament tips off today at noon, and for those of you working… BLAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

There will be rim-rattling dunks, heartbreaking last second threes and Clark Kellogg will say words like “spurtability” and “strengf.” Are we pumped? Like a Rawlings filled with helium.

[Join the conversation about ... Hoopla-La.]

verb.     to intimidate or subjugate by an overbearing manner or domineering speech.

See: UK shot-blocking phenom Anthony Davis.

The very first NCAA Basketball Tournament was held in 1939 and won by the University of Oregon “Tall Firs.” How fun would it have been to attend the Oregon State game that year and scream, “Go Beavers! Shave the firs!”?

TTP 2012 Tourney Predictions

Dear loyal subscribers, lovers, haters, compliment givers and death threat threateners,

I want to thank you all for your readership, comments, vitriol and enthusiasm towards The Toilet Paper these past few years.

No matter how offbeat, timely, crude, poignant, worldly, childish, keen, clueless, self-assured, off-the-mark or just plain offensive I’ve been in almost 600 issues, it has been a privilege to be in your inbox.

Today, it is my hope that you will also allow me a space on your bookshelf. (Or, at the very least, beneath that uneven table leg of yours.) My novel is called Show Pony. I think you'll dig it.

adj.     pertaining to, characteristic of, or acting like a rogue; knavish, rascally.

Used in a sentence: There is a strong likelihood that there may be some roguish behavior in Show Pony.

An early iteration of Show Pony served as my master’s thesis. It collected dust in a storage unit until a friend of mine asked to read it. He then loaned it to his neighbor, who was hoping to launch an e-mail newsletter.

As they say, the rest is pretty f*cking cool.

Themes in Show Pony

Most homeless are ignored like an A-cup flasher seeking beads at Mardi Gras. Others, depending on their look, legitimacy and staked-out intersection, have better luck.

In both a heralded and maligned effort to aid the homeless, an advertising agency, BBH New York, is making a number of homeless people actual “hot spots” during SXSW in Austin, TX.

Is this a shameless marketing scheme exploiting the less fortunate, or a dignified way to provide the homeless with a desirable service to offer rather than lowering themselves to beg? We say it beats a dirty squeegee on our already clean windshield any day.

[Join the conversation about ... Hobo Wi-Fi.]

noun.     derogatory term used to describe the practice of providing informal employment to a homeless person to hold a sign for a business or website.

Used in a sentence: Some feel paying the homeless to be “hot spots” is as dehumanizing as bumvertising.

The 13 homeless people who are taking part in the program are called “Hotspot Managers” and get to keep their earnings in full.

Thank goodness! The last thing this controversial practice needs are pimps.

Wi-Fi Vagabond Version 2.0

What happens when McDonald’s, Taco Bell and other fast food restaurants pass on buying 7 million pounds of  ammonium hydroxide-treated beef scraps blended with bovine connective tissue? The USDA snaps it up for school lunches.

That’s right, no need to spank your kid for his bad behavior, just make him eat his hamburger from the cafeteria.

Dubbed “soylent pink” by a retired microbiologist, the ground up goo is used to cut ground beef so it can be spread further to make more patties. Man, and we thought the drug dealers that cut their coke with baking soda were jerks.

[Join the conversation about ... Lunchroom Lament.]

verb.     to agree with some reluctance.  

Used in a sentence: Federal government officials acquiesced to Beef Products Inc.’s appeal to classify ammonia as a processing agent rather than an ingredient, allowing it to be left off their meat labels.

A single patty produced by B.P.I. can contain meat from multiple processors, and even multiple countries.  The last person to have that much global diversity between her buns was Ke$ha.

More Food Fun with Chemicals

Dear Folks,  earlier this morning we suffered from premature distribution. We also sent out today's e-mail without content. Our sincere apologies to your more-than-likely already-overloaded inbox. This version has words. - Chris@TTP

It was the cookie abhorred by white separatists: a baked good so bold, so daring, so outrageous to suggest that black wafers and white crème filling could form a mouthwatering marriage.

One hundred years ago today, the Oreo cookie was born. A delectable delight dunked in milk, today the cookie hauls in global revenues of 1.5 billion dollars annually. Of course it wasn’t long before some idiot racists began using the name of the cookie to describe children from mixed marriages.

As offensive and in poor taste (pun intended) as that may have been, it’s better than what gay kids from Georgia peanut farms were called… Nutter Butters. But enough about silly wordplay, pass the cow juice and cookie jar!

[Join the conversation about ... Oreo Centennial.]

adj.     having no equal, peerless.

Used in a sentence: Forget Chips Ahoy, when it comes to dunking a cookie in milk the Oreo is nonpareil.

The Oreo cookie is almost 60% sugar and loaded with trans fats. Kraft came out with Oreo Thin Crisps in 2005, a smaller, low-calorie cookie without the crème. They suck balls.

Mastication Methods

Did you hear about Pink Floyd’s new double concept album called The Wall?

Supposedly an elaborate tour will feature state of the art lighting and a 50-foot-tall replica of the… what? That record has been out for three decades? The tour has already been done a bazillion times?

Sixty-eight-year-old Roger Waters is like a washed up, punch drunk heavyweight greeting people at a casino with his dusty belt hanging over his shoulder. C’mon, Rog, got anything new? Screw it, we’ll see you at Wrigley in June.

[Join the conversation about ... The Wall.]

noun.     needless repetition of an idea.  

Used incorrectly in a sentence: Dr. Grimes had such a tremendous knowledge of everything that instead of focusing on just one subject he tautology.

Roger Waters planned to star as Pink in The Wall film. His lackluster screen test led to the casting of another musician, Bob Geldof. Ironically, Geldof had never acted before.

Alright Already!

As if the salary didn’t suck enough, legislators in two states are making it much easier for college graduates to decide not to go into teaching.

Arizona lawmakers are proposing all language spoken by educators fit the same guidelines as the FCC. One city even wants to implement a faculty dress code. In Tennessee, a law has been proposed to ban school counselors from discussing homosexuality.

What does this mean? We never would’ve known our seventh grade hoops coach. Not only were sweats the cornerstone of his wardrobe, he’d call us “a bunch of fu*king queerth” when we lost. Say what you will, but nothing tops the unintentional comedy meter like a close-minded, sore loser with a lisp.

[Join the conversation about ... Educational Edicts.]

Phukeenarightbrotherman!

noun.     abnormal belief that one is divinely inspired.

Used in a sentence: To say that Bob Morris (R-Indiana) suffers entheomania would be a misdiagnosis. The man is merely a moron.

In order to stimulate critical thinking, intellectual development and the ability to understand varying viewpoints, Socrates encouraged his students to analyze and debate their ideas and beliefs.

Dude, they also got gyros for lunch!

Welcome to TTP Academy

Few things are more maddening than laboring in the kitchen to prepare a nice meal only to have your dinner guests proudly proclaim, “No thanks, we’re on a cleanse.” 

“I wish you holistic gurus would have clued me in before I deveined three dozen shrimp,” you say politely, “but please, regale us with the details from your latest bowel evacuation.”

How de rigueur have cleanses become? Yesterday a homeless dude waved off our Jimmy John’s sub, saying he had three days left on the Master Cleanse.

[Join the conversation about ... Cleansing.]

adj.     1. that which cannot be doubted.     2. patently evident.     3. unquestionable.

Used in a sentence: Willard’s claim that his turnip juice diet would take off the pounds was indubitable given the dramatic drop in his daily caloric intake.

You will eventually lose weight on any diet where you considerably lower your caloric intake. Liquid cleanse diets can be dangerous if done for too long as they can upset blood sugar, potassium and sodium levels, along with depriving the body of much needed nutrients.

Don’t Forget These

Other than a cold fish, a warm pillow is one of the worst things a person can sleep with.

When it comes to being a contributing member of society, a good night’s sleep is a necessity. Sadly, many toss and turn at night trying to twist and bend their pillow into a cool and comfortable knot. What happens? They wake up the next day to be tired and frustrated assh*les.

Thankfully, the brilliant minds at PolarPillow have developed a pillow that will consistently stay cool until you fall asleep. How do they do it? Magic, of course. Buy one now and get the solid rest you need to succeed.

adj.     to be dull of mind, lethargic.  

Used in a sentence: Due to his inability to get a good night’s sleep with a ratty pillow, Gus was hebetudinous.

Data from a 2011 study at the University of Pittsburgh School of Medicine showed that cooling off the brain allowed insomniacs to get more sleep and fall asleep faster than those without cooling caps.

Is your brain racing at night when you try to go to sleep? Cool it down with PolarPillow.

The Girth of Cool, PolarPillow

The same group of brilliant researchers that discovered getting off your ass and exercising is good for you have now delivered another jaw-dropping bombshell to the medical community…

Sitting for too long is bad for you! What? Wait, but how? Who? When did? What the?

Sorry to all hopeful Nobel candidates this year, but a discovery of this magnitude has no doubt locked up the prize for these fearless thinkers. Nice work, fellas! Who wants our pre-owned Barcalounger?

[Join the conversation about ... Sitting.]

Perhaps, Buffman, but someone is also swinging from a tree after the bank foreclosed on his home.

adj.     lifestyle with little or no physical activity or exercise.

Used in a sentence: A sedentary lifestyle can cause impotence, decreased gaming skills and an inability to enjoy fried dough.

No wait, the sedentary lifestyle can only lead to diabetes, heart disease and premature death… whew.

In 1951, under Mao, Chinese workers would break to do daily group exercises led by a broadcast on Chinese radio. These radio sessions discontinued in 2007 to prepare for broadcasting the Beijing Olympics in 2008. They have since be reimplemented.

All Day, Baby!