For those looking to get their fall fix of faux celebrities, retired athletes, and past stars sucking dry their last taste of the limelight, ABC has unveiled its cast for the 11th season of Dancing with the Stars. Calling a show that features Bristol Palin, Rick Fox, and Margaret Cho "Dancing with the Stars" is like calling the Glow Worm in your attic "Alpha Centauri."

But hey, what's in a name? DWTS still rips up the ratings for ABC, and thanks to its limber lady dancers and   buoyant   co-host, it's a painless way for men to put in some "just us" time with their US Weekly-reading significant others.

[Join the conversation about ... DWTS.]

The Bard speaking, no doubt, of season 11 contestant David Hasselhoff.

noun.     a theatrical Spanish dance in which the man is characterized as the matador and uses the lady as his cape; the steps are strong and arrogant.

Incorrectly used and pronounced in a sentence by Jeff Lebowski: "Hey, man, paso me the doble when you're done."

According to Vegas odds makers, Brandy is the early favorite to take the season 11 title. Her odds to win are 3:1, followed by Jennifer Grey at 7:2. Florence Henderson is currently the long shot at 25:1.

Handicapping the Field

Sayonara baseball, so long golf, and don't let the door hit you on the ass, tennis. You bored us to tears all summer, and now we bid you a fond adieu. The first college football games of the 2010-2011 season kick off tonight, and let us be the first to say thank you, dear Lord, for holding off on the apocalypse. Anything you can do until the end of January is greatly appreciated.

Will Boise State finally win a National Championship? Will Rich Rodriguez get fired at halftime of Michigan's second game? Will Oregon continue to exceed the boundaries of good taste with multiple variations of their uniform? We will all find out over the next five glorious months.

[Join the conversation about ... college football.]

What? You thought we were going to quote that douchebag Rudy?

noun.     This hallowed acreage on the campus of The University of Mississippi rests beneath the illuminated green canopy of magnolia, elm, and oak trees.

Hosting 25,000 Rebel fans prior to Ole Miss football games, you are sure to find plenty of Southern belles showing off their incredible spreads. The food is amazing too…Hotty Toddy!

Michigan beat Stanford's ass so bad (49-0) in the first Rose Bowl in 1902 that Stanford waved the white flag with eight minutes left in the game. The fallout from the game was so severe that the Rose Bowl was not played annually until 1916.

The "bowl" in the name came from the shape of the stadium. Other post-season contests adopted the bowl name in the following years.

Saturday Must-Do's

It's a tiny package of verbal dynamite made from four simple letters that, depending when used, can be quite explosive and/or polarizing. Whether used in exclamation, celebration, excoriation, or just to spice up the lingo during fornication, the F-word's multiple uses ensure that most of us hear it daily in one form or another.

One of the newest places to hear the f-bomb is in Cee-Lo Green's recently penned hit song, cleverly titled "F&%# You!" In spite of zero radio play the song has gone viral, like crabs in a Fort Lauderdale Days Inn.

Is this a big deal? Not really, swearing has long been used in song, film, and television. Cee-Lo's use of the word is good-natured, cathartic crooning by the song's protagonist. Still not down? No big deal. Cee-Lo has two words for you.

[Join the conversation about ... the F-word.]

noun.     1. A word or expression that is generally perceived as harsh, impolite, or offensive.     2. Eiffel Towering Rosie O'Donnell

The Who's 1978 hit "Who Are You" twice included the line, "who the f*ck are you?" US pop radio deleted the word completely. 31 years later the Britney Spears' Top 2o hit "If U Seek Amy" is edited for radio to be "If U See Amy," despite the fact that there is no actual F-bomb in the song. Both songs of course pale in comparison to Clarence Carter's classic, "Strokin'."

Famous F*cks

In some parts they've been known to use questionable proteins in their cuisine and dip their corn dogs solely in the family batter, but enough about West Virginia. The ten day, 62-mile-long traffic jam between Beijing and inner Mongolia is finally over.

The bad news? Saying Asians can't drive is no longer accurate but is once again incredibly offensive. In all seriousness, kudos to the Chinese for taking a horrible predicament and getting through it peacefully. Had this happened in the States, there would have been more murders and stabbings than pieces of baby corn in our takeout.

[Join the conversation about ... traffic jams.]

noun.     informal carpool where commuters gather at local businesses to share rides.

Big in crowded areas like Washington DC, where politicians hope to pick up an intern with a mouth full of Altoids.

Before the Beijing Olympics, the Chinese government cut the use of public automobiles on the roads dramatically by implementing a weekday ban on automobiles depending on whether the license plates ended in even or odd numbers. The system worked so well that a modified version banning one in five cars is now a permanent rule.

Road Warriors

Racking up billions of dollars annually while decimating local merchants in quaint hamlets would be gratifying enough for most gargantuan retail corporations. However, for a badass bully like Wal-Mart, you’re not a big swinging dick until you ask the Supreme Court to throw out a class-action gender discrimination lawsuit. Is the Arkansas based, smiley faced, price slashing purveyor evil? 

Hey, look, jeans for $8.99! 

[Join the conversation about ... Wal-Mart.]

Suggestive lyrics?  Sorry don’t carry it.  Shotguns?  Aisle 15 right next to the ammo. 

verb.     1. breed freely and abundantly 2. become abundant; increase rapidly

Incorrectly used in a sentence: Trudy's whooping cough caused her to call in sick thereby forcing Vic to pullulate shift.

In 2000, PBS reported that Wal-Mart had left behind more than 25 million square feet of unoccupied space throughout the country. Wal-Mart claims it tries to sell the buildings, but the only potential buyers are competitors whom they refuse to sell to. Sadly, the Dildo Hut does not have enough inventory to fill the vacuous space.

Only at Wal-Mart

We blasted their albums, wore their t-shirts, and plastered their posters on our walls. But had you told us 20 years ago when we were feathering our mullets that our heavy metal heroes in Iron Maiden would still be going strong in 2010, we would have laughed, then asked for a hit off what you were smoking.

Today the British hard rock behemoths are bigger than ever, with their 15th studio album (released earlier this month) resting proudly at number one in 21 different countries, and number four in the US.

Misunderstood by outsiders and beloved the world over by their fans, Iron Maiden are one of the most theatrical, musically diverse, and kick-ass rock bands of all time. With carefully orchestrated builds, dynamic crescendos, triple threat guitars, and lyrics covering everything from military history to science fiction, Maiden is almost a musical entity unto itself.

To know them is to love them. Don't know 'em? Do.

[Join the conversation about ... Iron Maiden.]

noun.     a person of great and varied learning.

On top of having a vocal range on par with many operatic tenors, lead singer Bruce Dickinson is also a world-class fencer, pilot, novelist, songwriter, broadcaster, director, actor, and entrepreneur.

Please, dear Lord, tell us this guy has a tiny dick.

Despite their awesome album covers, dark imagery, and occasional lyrics regarding the occult, Iron Maiden are not Satanists. In fact, drummer Nicko McBrain is a born again Christian.

This, depending on your beliefs, might be scarier than Bruce Dickinson with boobs.

Literate Lads

They're huge and they're from Asia, which means we definitely aren't talking about wangs, but rather rogue aquatic vertebrates hell bent on destruction.

Known by fellow fish as gluttonous assholes, Asian carp were first brought over to eat algae in fish hatcheries. Of course what seemed like a simple solution at the time backfired decades later, as flooding allowed the fat, flying freeloaders to infiltrate numerous lakes, rivers, and streams, eating everything in sight.

Five states are currently trying to block two Chicago canals from running into Lake Michigan, hoping to keep the Asian carp from further damaging the ecosystem and taking a bigger bite out of the multi-billion dollar fishing industry.

Piranha 3D doesn't have sh*t on reality.

[Join the conversation about ... Asian carp.]

noun.     a toxicant often used as a pesticide, insecticide, and as a piscicide. Mildly toxic to humans, rotenone has been known to cause Parkinson's Disease related symptoms in lab rats. Thousands of gallons of rotenone have been dumped into Illinois shipping canals.

Wow, how much would a fish with Parkinson's flop?

Asian carp can be eaten, however its bone structure makes it nearly impossible to filet. Fortunately, the Chinese love it. Illinois has entered into an agreement with a Chinese meat processing company to process 30 million pounds of carp from the state's rivers and ship the product overseas.

Asian Influence

Knowing that nothing turns kids into pleasure seeking, nicotine craving, carcinogenic-sucking zombies more than seeing a film character light up, the good folks at the Centers for Disease Control are suggesting that film makers give an R rating to all films that depict tobacco imagery.

Fortunately kids don't find gunplay, martial arts, explosions, car chases, dirty jokes, and laying some length to a hot babe cool, or we would have quite a quandary on our hands. Then again, the CDC could be onto something. After watching a recent episode of Mad Men, we woke up after a 24 hr martini bender in bed with the Jewish heiress of a department store and a half smoked pack of Lucky Strikes.

Cool? You bet your irritated trachea and dry hacking cough.

[Join the conversation about ... smoking in movies.]

noun.     a term coined by Stanford University professor Robert N. Proctor to describe the study of culturally-induced ignorance or doubt, particularly the publication of inaccurate or misleading scientific data. See: Tobacco companies.

In his 1989 film Stand by Me, director Rob Reiner, an avid non-smoker, insisted the cigarettes smoked by his young starring cast be made from dried cabbage leaves.

This is an outrage! All you can do with tobacco is smoke it, but you can make perfectly good coleslaw out of cabbage.

Restrict These Classics?

Ramen, Joe Francis, and pranks. Just three of the things you're sure to see at college.

Whether you're pulling one on your roommate or going viral, pranks can pass the time between happy hour and last call. Schools like MIT, Caltech, and various Ivy League schools are known for organizing the most intricate and large-scale gotchas, but anyone who knows the elements of a successful prank can pull one off. A good prank hinges on Safety (brief pain is OK, hospital visit is not), Wit (be clever), Audience (the bigger the better), and Surprise.

Want to know if your idea for a prank will be a hit? Analyze your S.W.A.S.

[Join the conversation about ... pranks.]

At MIT they refer to pranks as hacks. Are there any bars on campus, Sam?

adj.     1. extremely irritable or easily angered.     2. the best and worst type of person to prank.

While he was president of the Harvard Crimson, Jeff Zucker, who is now the president and CEO of NBC Universal, called the cops on Conan O'Brien. O'Brien, who was president of the Harvard Lampoon, was behind the theft of an entire day's press run of the Crimson.

Over two decades later, Zucker got O'Brien back by stealing his TV show.

Traditional Pranks

The imbibing of intoxicants in college is lot like Sapphic love in the LPGA; while not for everyone, the practice is immensely popular.

To imagine college without drinking is to imagine Maine without lobster, Congress without bullshit, or Rosie O'Donnell without a FUPA. We aren't suggesting students should stay pickled, go to class bombed, or pass out in the middle of enjoying some clam chowder. What we are saying is that unless you've sucked a Jello shot out of a crazy co-ed's navel, done the walk of shame missing a shoe, or attempted to make a cell phone call on a calculator, you may not be as well rounded as you think.

[Join the conversation about ... drinking.]

noun.     slang term for drinking the half-finished beers the morning after a party. Hammering down the one with a cigarette butt (aka the Spaulding) = no more bayoneting for you.

Per the Core Institute, 300,000 of today's college students will eventually die of alcohol-related causes such as drunk driving accidents, cirrhosis of the liver, various cancers, and heart disease.

Sobering news indeed. Thank goodness for Doug Stanhope's excess in moderation theory.

Four Types of College Drinkers

You would think figuring out where to go for spring break, debating whether or not to get a tattoo of your Greek letters, and picking out your game day duds would be enough decision making for a college student. Turns out schools also expect you to know what type of office you want to rot away in someday by picking a major.

Since booze-a-farian is not a real degree, the choice of a future occupation can be rather daunting for some. The good news is that you don't need to know right away. In fact, thanks to electives, you can coast for a year or two and learn all kinds of useless sh*t. Cool? You bet your syllabus for "Arguing with Judge Judy: Popular 'Logic' on TV Judge Shows."

[Join the conversation about ... declaring.]

adj.     marked by lack of a definite plan or regularity of purpose; jumping from one thing to another.

Used in a sentence: Thanks to Tom's desultory academic pursuits in college, he not only knew how to manage a hedge fund, but also how to ream his clients, based on his time studying proctology.

Michael Nicholson, a 67-year-old Kalamazoo retiree, has amassed 27 college degrees since 1963. Nicholson has gone on to earn two associate's, 19 master's, three specialist's, and one doctoral degree. He's currently pursuing two masters degrees in health administration and special-education administration.

What a moron! Who needs that many college sweatshirts?

Unlimited Intellect

It's a time of tremendous excitement and trepidation, an opportunity to learn and be exposed to new things, a chance to chase as much tail as possible before you fail out or get married: college, we miss you!

Hundreds of thousands of college freshman will be moving into dormitories this week at various esteemed colleges and universities across the country. Many will be driven by happy parents excited to convert their kid's bedroom into a sewing room/card parlor/S&M sex chamber, while other students will carefully transport their bubble wrapped 20", beaker-bottom glass bong with eight arm percolator to campus by themselves.

Sure the books are ridiculously expensive, especially if you don't read them, but the best part about first semester? Each week of class is broken up with a weekend football game where debauched tailgating is highly encouraged. High school graduating class of 2010… you lucky little pricks!

[Join the conversation about ... college.]

noun.     aka dormcest, aka floorcest – hooking up with others on your floor/hall. If it turns into a regular thing, it can become a "hall-call."

Used in a sentence: Felix thought he was cool with his hall call, but we all knew she was a sorostitute.

Smith College in Northampton, MA puts all of its students in houses instead of dorms. A professor serves as a House Fellow, whose duties include organizing house teas and candlelight dinners. Lame? Not if the professor looks like this.

The only problem? It's an all girls school. Sexism, it's sickening.

Immediate Roommate Red Flags

As Christina Hendricks' face can attest, it can be hard to get the attention you deserve when you're paired with greatness.

For 11 seasons in Chicago Scottie Pippen played in the shadow of Michael Jordan. Tonight, "His Airness" will play the Robin to Pippen's Batman for the first time, as he introduces Pippen to the Basketball Hall of Fame.

Pippen won six championships in Chicago and was named one of the NBA's 50 Greatest Players. Yet, playing with MJ has polarized his career. To some, he's an overrated pouter who rode Jordan's coattails. Others see him as an athletic freak whose versatility and selflessness propelled Jordan to even greater heights.

No one can measure up to Michael, but discounting Pippen's career because he played alongside him? Flagrant foul.

[Join the conversation about Scottie Pippen.]

noun.     a basketball player with the defensive prowess to guard forwards, and the ball handling and court vision to play point guard; it was revolutionized, if not invented, by Pippen.

Incorrectly used in a sentence: Madison dressed up as Janet Reno for political role play night, so it took Chester some time to point forward.

Pippen is one of only four players to have ever led his team in all five major statistics totals. During the 1994-1995 season, he led the Bulls with 1,692 points, 639 rebounds, 409 assists, 232 steals, and 89 blocks.

TTP Trivia time: What other three players have accomplished this feat? Reply to this email with your answer. One correct answer will win a free TTP t-shirt.

Is That a Second Banana in Your Pocket?

Certain things should not exist: child pornography, physical abuse, Rosie O'Donnell's new talk show. But when it comes to the written word, censoring ideas, thoughts, and opinions is unconscionable. To think we, the United States of America, at one time banned books in this country is mind blowing.

We are not talking about images, but words. Words?! Letters arranged in an order to tell a story or provoke thought… banned? Friends, that is some heavy sh*t. We may not have evolved enough as a society to politely hustle through crosswalks, but banning words? Hope it never happens again.

[What do you think about ... banned books?]

noun.     one who loves to read, study, and collect books.

In August, 2003 two Michigan pastors, T.D. Turner Sr. and son T.D. Turner Jr., took a stand against sorcery by burning a Harry Potter book outside their Jesus Non-Denominational Church. The fire so inflamed parishioners' passions that, according to the Detroit Free Press, some of the 50 spectators proceeded to burn the Book of Mormon, a non-King James edition of the Bible, and even the Dan Aykroyd movie Coneheads.

Thought Police

Great artists are not afraid to explore various media, aesthetics, and techniques when it comes to making their artistic vision take physical form. Recently two well-rounded female artists from two different continents made the news, given their unique ability to make masterful marks with their mammaries on canvas.

What does it take to create such titillating art work? Fearlessness, passion for the process, and a great set of paint cans.

[What do you think about ... body art?]

noun.     painting term for when too much paint on the brush creates excessive flow, causing runs or "sagging" on the paint film during application.

Used in a sentence: When my art history tutor mentioned Georgia O'Keefe's sags I was so surprised that I howled with laughter.

After a student from the Italian royal family cut his finger in 1926, Ruth Faison Shaw – educator and art therapist – treated the wound with iodine and sent him to the bathroom to wash up. When she went to check on him, he was joyfully smearing iodine all over the walls. Other students wanted to join him. The ancient technique of finger painting was rediscovered for schools.

Body Language

As Vizzini once stated in The Princess Bride, there are two classic blunders: never get involved in a land war in Asia, and never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line. You can now add never challenge a Finn to a sauna sitting contest.

Sunday a Russian challenger died after sweating it out against five-time champion Timo Kaukonen at the World Sauna Championships in Heinola, Finland. Fortunately, we quit watching early this year as our bracket was busted in the first round.

Dumbest sport in the world? No, that still goes to Extreme Ironing.

[What do you think about ... saunas?]

noun.     a bundle of birch twigs used to slap the back to open the pores and stimulate the skin.

Used in a sentence: Due to Henry's back-acne, Arthur didn't offer his vihta to his friend.

The sauna has long been a part of Finnish culture, since before the 8th century. The sauna was not only for refreshment and relaxation, but was also believed to have healing and spiritual powers. Dead bodies were "cleansed" in saunas and women gave birth in them.

What Ever Happened to Chess?

Forget crotch rockets and touring bikes. When we think of motorcycles, we think of customized choppers, beating the piss out of rival gang members, and never having to answer to the man.

Next week, August 9-15, bikers of all types and backgrounds will roll into South Dakota for the 70th Anniversary of the Sturgis Motorcycle Rally. A week-long, bacchanalian festival for gearheads, outlaws, and legions of leather lovers. Sturgis has a little bit of something for everyone and a whole lot of kick-ass sh*t for devotees of the gritty biker lifestyle.

Daytona is nice, but the Black Hills of South Dakota? Legit.

[What do you think about ... Sturgis?]

Pirsig's book is a great read, even if the only bike you own is a cherry pair of coaches shorts

.

noun.     acronym for "Stupidly Quick, Underdressed, Imminently Dead." Squids are reckless and inexperienced motorcycle riders who ride without proper gear and beyond their abilities, endangering themselves and others.

In 1980 the Supreme Court ruled that the Black Hills of South Dakota were illegally taken from the Sioux Nation of Indians.  The remuneration to be paid was $106 million.  The Lakota refused to the money as they wanted the Black Hills returned to them.  Today the money is an interest bearing account and is over $757 million.  The Lakota still refuse the money as they believe taking it would be validating theft of their sacred land.

The Five B's

Figuring if he can deal with Lauryn Hill he can deal with anything, Grammy-Award recording artist, Wyclef Jean is expected to announce his candidacy for President of Haiti today.  Clef will be on Larry King Live tonight discussing his decision with the suspendered, shoulder-protruding, septuagenarian.

Based on Clef’s love of his decimated birthplace and its enduring people, we couldn’t think of a better political fit for a recording artist other than say Madonna becoming mayor of Cockintake in the UK. In all seriousness, Clef’s bid is legit and heartfelt.  

Good luck, brother, don't stop the music.

[What do you think about ... Wyclef Jean?]

noun.     the hip-hop equivalent of an actorvist, or an actor that is politically involved. Similar to politainer, an entertainer that is politically involved.

Examples given in order listed above: Chuck D, Sean Penn, and Eddie Vedder.

Wyclef learned to sing in the church choir where his father was pastor. A fierce disciplinarian, Clef's dad threatened to kill him if he ever caught him listening to rap music. Years later his dad finally came around with the success of his son. Several more years later he died in a freak garage door accident.

Say Goodbye to Hollywood

Just because you can do something doesn't always mean you should. Ask our buddy Nebbs, who did a thorough manscaping job on his junk before running the NYC marathon.

Speaking of inflammatory chafing in the Big Apple, yesterday officials lowered the final hurdle that will allow a mosque to be built near Ground Zero. While religious freedom is one of the core values of this country and the construction of the mosque is perfectly legal, the decision by the Cordoba Initiative to do so in the planned location shows a lack of sensitivity that many Muslims insist on being afforded.

Religious harmony, understanding, and tolerance: in shorter supply than prime Manhattan real estate.

[What do you think about ... the Cordoba Mosque?]

noun.     characterized by offensive boldness; insolent or impertinent.

Incorrectly used in a sentence: When told by a sorority sister that her blind date was impudent, Sheila wondered if she'd ever get laid at formal.

Built in 1934, the Mother Mosque of America, located in Cedar Rapids, Iowa, is the oldest permanent mosque (edifice) in the United States.

Other Poor Placements

It would be incredibly tacky and in poor taste to choose Julie Strain as this month's Dame We Dig solely based on the fact that she was the 1993 Penthouse Pet of the Year. Thankfully, the six-foot-one, smoking hot siren also happens to be the "Queen of B-Movies," with over 100 celluloid schlock fests on her randy resume.

As wonderfully bad as most of her movies are, Julie's characters are always a real scream, no pun intended. Whether matching wits with megalomaniacal villains, slaying aliens, or defusing a doomsday device, Julie doesn't just kick ass, she kicks ass in various stages of undress. Pass the popcorn!

[What do you think about ... Julie Strain?]

What a gal! Nothing like setting up base camp in the lap of luxury. Hey, look at that, we popped a tent.

noun.     slang term in film for extras placed in a movie for the sole purpose of allowing the psycho-killer to rack up a decent body count before the showdown with the movie's protagonist.

Julie's ex-husband, Kevin Eastman, was co-creator of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Kevin met Julie at L.A.'s Golden Apple Comics during one of her fan club signings. Julie grabbed Kevin and drove off with him in her truck.

We're confident it was good while it lasted.

So Bad They're Bad

The very first thing we did after seeing Back to the Future at the tiny theater in our home town was to help Jenni Jankus put her bra back on. After that, we rushed out the following day and bought a skateboard. In spite of many a bloody elbow and knee, we rode that Valterra all summer long.

Today's skate stunts have progressed to mind blowing feats. With whacked out designers and visionaries creating new hybrids and twists on the old board, riders are navigating terrain once thought to be impossible. Now instead of just helmets and pads, you better have some serious life insurance.

[What do you think about ... Skateboarding?]

noun.     1. skateboard term meaning to push with your front foot while keeping your back foot in place.     2. a city in Chad.    

Danny Way was the first person to jump over the Great Wall of China without a motorized vehicle. He did it in 2005 on a skateboard, using a customized ramp.

Two words: "Hory Sh*t!"

Impossible to be Bored

In a time of such economic upheaval, ecological catastrophe, and enmity from the Middle East, it is important for the President to choose a forum where he can clearly discuss the issues, his ideas, and strategies for improving the nation's ills. So what does the highly educated, gifted orator that is Barack Obama do? He nuts up and courageously steps into the intellectual viper's nest, the feminine think tank of daytime television known as The View.

Recorded yesterday and airing today, Barack matches wits with the likes of Whoopi, Joy, Babwah, Sherri, and mental heavyweight Elisabeth Hasselbeck. The Situation and Snooki must feel snubbed.

[What do you think about ... Obama on The View?]

noun.     1. a person on television who talks directly into the cameras and whose upper body is all that is shown on the screen.     2. See: David Byrne.

The View has been on ABC for nearly 13 years. While the show's format has been copied in markets worldwide, it has only won three awards: two Emmys for "Outstanding Talk Show" in 2003 (tying with The Wayne Brady Show) and "Outstanding Talk Show Host(s)" in 2009, and one NAACP award in 2009 for "Outstanding Talk Show."

Wow, Wayne Brady? High praise indeed.

Shows We'd Like to See

Thirty-two years ago today a film was released that would change the way we thought about stress management, folk musicians, and higher education.

For some, Animal House was a fun and raunchy comedic romp. For others, it was an instructional video on how to get the most out of your college years. Road trips, toga parties, scoring with the Dean's wife; many of the film gags became goals of our own before we even broke the plane of the university bookstore.

Discovering the Dean's wife was no Verna Bloom, we decided two out of three wasn't bad.

[What do you think about ... Animal House?]

noun.     this term from the film has entered the pop culture lexicon to mean the final straw before the foot comes down.

Used in a sentence: Todd had been written up at work three times and technically could be fired, but since his manager is also his buddy, he is on double secret probation.

Studio heads were concerned that the scene where Otter and the crew head to Dexter Lake Club to see Otis Day and the Knights could be considered racist. After the scene was shown to Richard Pryor, who approved, it made the final cut.

Good thing, "Shama Lama Ding Dong" is a classic tune.

Fictional Fraternities

Hawaii, a tropical Eden where aquamarine waves explode upon immaculate beaches and the homeless have savage tans, is concerned about the cost of its growing number of impoverished drifters and the impact they have on tourism. Knowing it's hard to enjoy hula girls when the ukulele is interrupted by a vagrant shaking a change cup, Hawaiian officials are toying with the idea of building tent cities further inland and/or paying to fly the homeless back to their home states.

Considerate, or callous? Depends where the bum is from.

[What do you think about ... Hawaii?]

noun.     1. nifty term used by Representative John Mizuno to describe Hawaii's offer of sending a homeless person back home to the mainland.     2. aka "Operation: Thanks-a-F*ckin-Lot" by families who actually thought they had finally gotten rid of their problem member.

Since 2007, New York City has been paying those in their shelter system to leave, provided they have a family member vouch that they will take them in. One family of five was flown to Paris, France and given train tickets from there to the smaller town where the family member lived. On rare occasions, rent, security deposit, and furniture allowance have also been covered.

"Let's hear it for New York, New York, New York!"

Why Hawaii?

Unsuitable working conditions are unacceptable in any occupation, but hearing someone unnecessarily bitch about their job in such a challenging economy is an outrage.

An assistant prop master is suing Universal Studios, claiming he was fired from the TV show House MD for not taking part in on-set shenanigans, like going to strip clubs, drinking, getting stoned, and having sex in on-set trailers. What? Where can we email our resume?

The insubordinate malcontent goes on to complain that some people would get drunk on tequila, then throw knives at a target. Do you know what we call that at TTP HQ? Monday morning quality time with Teddy, the intern.

[What do you think about ... House?

noun.     slang in the medical industry for an obscure diagnosis or strange illness.

Used in a sentence: Nearly every episode of House MD deals with a zebra.

Before he began playing a pissed off, drugged out, hobbling medical genius in House, actor Hugh Laurie starred and wrote for the hit sketch comedy show A Bit of Fry and Laurie with comedic partner Stephen Fry. The show ran from 1989 to 1995 on BBC1 and BBC2.

Oh the Frivolity!

To be an actor in Hollywood these days you have to do one of the following: write a children's book, launch a clothing line, own a restaurant, star in a sex tape, or have your own signature fragrance. Anything less than that, and you might as well be doing community theater at a nursing home in Reseda.

Stepping up to the plate yesterday was Jennifer Aniston, who debuted her perfume, Lolavie, at Harrod's department store in London. What does it smell like? A wet hot older broad wrapped in a towel sitting on sea rocks, of course. What does that smell like? Who knows? But it sure looks good.

[What do you think about ... Fragrance?]

"Hey, it smells like rose oil and jasmine down here." – Ms. Chanel's paper boy.

noun.     the inability to detect odors; the loss of smell.

Used in a sentence: Ted's anosmia came in handy at the sewage treatment center, where he worked with retired cab drivers.

Since 1973, The Fragrance Foundation has annually sponsored the FiFi Awards in New York City. A star-studded affair drawing designers and celebrities throughout the world, the FiFis are considered the Oscars of the fragrance industry.

Imagine how cool it would be if a Vietnamese fragrance won a category. "And the FiFi goes to… Phu Phu!"

Our Stab at Celebrity Scents

Twenty-three years ago today, five sleazy LA club denizens calling themselves Guns N' Roses released their debut album, Appetite for Destruction (AFD), and in the process tore the ass out of the tired, sorry affair that rock and roll had become in the late 80s.

Unlike most albums, there was not a throw-away track on the disc. Chock-full of lyrics that covered the full emotional landscape of street life in Hollywood, and dripping with riffs that tapped the veins of every kid leaning against his fender in small town parking lots across the USA, Appetite was less about destruction, and more about validation.

Blow some dust off your copy, and play it today.

[What do you think about ... Guns N' Roses?]

adj.     capable of being split or divided. See: the original line up of Guns N' Roses.

Used in a sentence by Snoop Dogg if he was in a nuclear silo with unruly kids: "Did you light up a fissile towards Aghananizzle?"

The album's name was taken from Robert Williams' painting "Appetite for Destruction," which depicted a robotic rapist getting attacked by an angry, red machine. After an outcry from retailers, the cover was changed to a picture of a cross with the skeletons of the band members.

As relationships deteriorated in the band, so did Axl's tattoo of the same cover image.

The Lost Arsenal

Hollywood's favorite hot mess, Lindsay Lohan, a paragon of the sex, drug, and rock and roll lifestyle, heads to the slammer today to begin serving time for violating her 2007 probation.

While the sex-crazed she-beasts of Century Regional Detention Facility will no doubt be more attractive than Lohan's ex-love interest, Samantha Ronson, chances are they will not be as gentle. Fortunately for Lohan, she will be in solitary confinement, protected from the general population with time to sober up and maybe sort a few things out.

Instead of a Herbie Fully Loaded sequel, we hope to see a "Herbie 30 Days Without Using" straight to DVD someday.

[What do you think about ... Lindsay Lohan?]

noun.     a tendency to relapse into a previous condition or mode of behavior, especially relapse into criminal behavior.

In spite of all her troubles, Lohan continues to get work. Later this summer she plays a nun in Robert Rodriguez's much anticipated action film, Machete, and will begin production on the Linda Lovelace biopic, Inferno, in the fall. Lohan's lifetime gross in 11 films is $433.5 million.

A Harbinger of Hard Times

A psychologist and three grad students from the University of Texas have discovered that women in their 30s and 40s are far more sexual than women in their teens and 20s. Nice work, folks! We could have told you that back when we were in college and spent a fun weekend shooting fish in a barrel at a Mary Kay Cosmetics convention.

All that research money spent to publish this finding, when all the bookworms had to do was buy a plump divorcée from Poughkeepsie a soggy margarita and say, "let's go." Higher education is a business like anything else.

Old chicks… a ball ever since Eve hit her 30s in Genesis.

[What do you think about ... Older Gals?]

Cameron, on top of proving the aforementioned study correct, you have also won first class round trip airfare to Chicago for a week long stay at TTP offices.

noun.     a form of role playing in which a person pretends to be an age that they are not. It can be used in regressive therapy, or in the bedroom by weirdos.

Used incorrectly in a sentence: Arnold was thrilled his grandmother had won the lead in the ageplay at the nursing home.

Before passing away in 2006 at the age of 64, Kitty Foxx was one of the oldest female p*rn stars working in the business. Known as the "Grandma of P*rn," she found success with her Aged to Perfection series in the 1990s, and continued performing for fans on her website until her 60s.

You know it may be time to retire when you have to pull your pants down to show off your boobs.

Hey, Ladies!

Hot, gooey, and fun to eat, Kraft Macaroni & Cheese has long been a fundamental food in kitchen cupboards across the USA.

Launched by Kraft in 1937, the cost-effective comfort food became a hit due to World War II rationing. A divine culinary creation, Kraft Dinner is a no-brainer for busy parents who want to whip up something fast for the kids, and a gastronomic gift from the gods for college students, following some hearty bong rips.

Today, macaroni and cheese is a hip playland for chefs to giddily explore and put their whacked out signature on. While, no doubt, many high-end variations are good, for our money give us the orange powdered cheese with the dry macaroni in the blue box. Sometimes the perfection of a dish is in its simplicity.

[What do you think about ... Kraft Dinner?]

We are venturing a guess that, given his career trajectory, Culkin has eaten more boxes of macaroni and cheese now than he ever did as a kid.

noun.     a rougher, simpler form of flour usually made from a hard durum wheat grain. The grains are milled, sifted, and then ground. Semolina is used in making pasta.

Used incorrectly in a sentence: Semolina is my favorite dancer in the video.

Returning to the US after his tour as minister to France in 1787, Thomas Jefferson brought back a pasta machine from Italy. Documents in the Library of Congress quote a guest of Jefferson discussing a "pie called macaroni." The description of the dish is the same as baked macaroni and cheese today.

Use Your Noodle