When it comes to progression and cultural sophistication, few countries set the bar higher than China. This week, the Chinese government cemented its legacy of forward thinking by announcing that it is “considering” legislation that would make eating dogs and cats illegal. So if you dig your calico in a savory Kung Pao sauce, or prefer a little chow mein with your Great Dane, it might be time to hustle your ass over to China for one last hurrah. 

Some Chinese are up in arms, calling the possible ban "cultural imperialism." Other citizens feel it is an outdated practice. Until a decision is made, all animal shelters will supposedly remain BYOB.

noun.     Slang for cat meat in Germany during WWII, while meat was being rationed in Europe.

Amid a firestorm of controversy and outrage, Italian celebrity chef Giuseppe "Beppe" Bigazzi was fired from hosting his own cooking show after waxing poetic about the joys of eating cat.

We’re guessing something was lost in translation, as we have been known to partake in a little kitty ourselves.

Just a Coke for Me, Thanks!

Republican enchantress Sarah Palin and reality television guru Mark Burnett are currently pitching a TV series to various networks about the bespectacled ex-governor’s home state of Alaska. 

Sadly, "Hot, Crazy, and Armed to the Teeth" will not be the title. Nor will the show feature Sarah and her ample-bosomed daughter Bristol rocking tube tops and tracking moose with modified assault rifles. The show will instead focus on Palin traveling throughout the state speaking with locals about their lives in Alaska. Sounds interesting … if the paint you’re watching has already dried. 

noun.     Warm knee-high fur boots popular in Alaska. 

Used in a sentence:  In spite of being furry, soft, and warm, the odor of Tina’s mukluks were a turn-off for Nanook. 

In 1867, United States Secretary of State William H. Seward offered Russia two cents per acre—roughly $7,200,000—for Alaska. Russia agreed, and on October 18, 1867, Alaska officially became the property of the United States. Many Americans later jokingly referred to Alaska as "Seward’s folly." In truth, a nice move, as 20% of the oil produced in the US comes from Alaska.

Nice Try! (Mark Burnett’s Busts)

Whether it be facing Brock Lesnar in the Octagon, hunting lion with the Maasai in Tanzania, or hoisting Kirstie Alley onto your shoulders for a game of chicken at the Bel Air Country Club pool, man has always had the propensity to challenge himself no matter how daunting the task.   

Tomorrow, the 38th running of the Iditarod kicks off in Anchorage, AK with 71 teams representing five different countries (including one from Jamaica). Sub-zero temperatures, gale force winds, and possible white-outs make the 1,161 mile race quite arduous. Staring at 16 dogs’ asses for 10-17 days in a row make it quite monotonous.

noun.     A type of sock that is made to protect the dogs’ feet from small cuts and sores from ice during the race.

Used in a sentence: “That bitch bit Bob when he grabbed her booty.” 

The Red Lantern Award is presented to the last place musher every year. It is considered a symbol of perseverance. The longest time for a Red Lantern was 32 days, five hours, and nine minutes by John Schultz in 1973.

After 32 days of freezing in the wilderness, we’re guessing John would have preferred a cup of hot chocolate instead.

Ready, Set, Go!

To some, rolling into your local Starbucks with a .44 Magnum strapped to your belt is a political statement. To the barista serving you, it’s the perfect incentive for him to get your strawberry Vivanno™ smoothie right the first time. 

Gun control advocates are blowing out their O-rings that Starbucks—the caffeine purveying behemoth—is allowing its pistol packin’ patrons in open-carry gun law states to wear their weapons into their stores. The Seattle-based coffee chain says it is merely obeying state laws.

We don’t really give a sh*t—as long as you keep it holstered and don’t pay by check.

noun.     1. Thirty-fifth President of the United States.   2. Barista slang for a coffee with three shots of espresso.

Morons! Kennedy was shot twice.

No, folks. That bearded kid with 14-gauge barbell tongue piercing in the black apron isn’t a circus performer or a ninja. He’s a highly trained Coffee Master! These wiley joe jockeys are taught patron engagement (“Be careful, it’s hot!”), buying practices (“What? Weed?”), and the complexities of coffee tasting (“Wow, is all our stuff this bitter?”).

Starbucks Rewards: Another Flippin’ Card

Music has been paired with moving images since 1895 when a pianist first accompanied the projected films of the Lumière Brothers in Paris. Since then, the marriage of audio and video has helped promote and market records as much as it has entertained and moved audiences.

Enter the four clever do-it-yourself cats in OK Go who, in 2005, re-invigorated the medium with their hysterical low-budget vid for “A Million Ways.” They then followed that up with the mesmerizing treadmill calisthenics on “Here It Goes Again.” Now the witty whack jobs are back with the jaw-dropping, “This Too Shall Pass.” OK Go proves ingenuity can occasionally trump technology, and sometimes the video can be as good as the f*cking song.

We love ya Keef, but you’ve also never dug sobriety and daylight together.

noun.     1. An term in film editing meaning that sound and picture elements are perfectly aligned.   2. What you will never see in a translated kung fu movie.

Eschewing music videos, concerts and anything else remotely related to tunes, MTV dropped the words “Music Television” from its iconic M logo last month to focus on more culturally significant fare like Sixteen and Pregnant and Date My Mom. Two years ago, the previous line would have been a hysterical punch line. Today, it is absolutely true.

From Four Minutes to Features

Chicken wings used to be like the Tri Delts back in undergrad: popular, cheap, and especially fun to nibble on after a couple of cold beers. Sadly, the cost of chicken wings has increased dramatically in the past year. A culinary afterthought in most commercial kitchens, more and more restaurant chains are now adding the sports bar staple to their menus, thereby raising the demand and the cost of the avian appendage. While poultry sales themselves have softened due to the economy, the price of a pound of chicken wings has increased 39% from 2008.

What does this mean? We suggest when it comes to eating poultry, eat healthier for less by “pulling a Lohan”: avoid the bone and enjoy some breasts.

Imagine the sexy simpleton’s reaction had her man offered her a bit of spotted dick.

noun.     A unit of measure created by American chemist Wilbur Scoville to determine the amount of capsaicin (heat) in a chili pepper.

A jalapeno generally has between 3,000 and 6,000 units. The hot wings at Jake Melnick’s Corner Tap in Chicago, made with Red Savina pepper extract, have an SHU of 350,000+.

There are two kinds of wings: drums and flats. The drum is the joint which attaches the wing to the breast bone of the chicken. Off the drum is the flat. The drum is also called a “drummie,” because of its resemblance to a small chicken leg (AKA drumstick).

If you order wings and your buddy only eats the drums, he is suspect. Likewise, if your girl eats all the flats, run like hell.

Tastes Like Chicken

We hold three truths to be self-evident at The Toilet Paper offices: 1) people that walk without swinging their arms are weirdos, 2) Bloody Marys without celery are an abomination, and 3) Pam Grier was—without a doubt—the hottest actress to ever step onto a film set in the 1970s.   

No one could fill a dress and empty a gun like Pam in her early action classics. When she wasn’t "kicking jive turkey ass" and "sticking it to the man," she was generously revealing her mind-blowing physical gifts and getting stuck by her man. A sexy, self-confident woman with a "No BS" attitude, Pam was a source of empowerment for black women and feminists. A caramel dipped goddess with a happy trigger finger, she was a fantasy for any man with a pulse.

Nonsense, Pam! You’ve helped young men strengthen their forearms for the past 30 years.

noun.     1. A commercial-minded film genre in the 1970s geared towards black audiences.

Some groups like the NAACP found the films to be stereotypical, but many others in Hollywood including Pam, felt they were finally giving a voice to those that weren’t being heard.

Pam is the only black star from the Blaxploitation era who receives a royalty each time one of her films is rented. Good for Pam. Bad for Fred Williamson.

Queue Em Up Now

The Olympic men’s curling semi-finals air live today from Vancouver, and if you’re like us, you’re flogging yourself that you forgot to take off work.

The first thing that comes to mind when we think of enjoying a little ice time is hammering Dorothy Hamill during sound check before the Ice Capades, followed by hockey, frozen margaritas, and hiking through the Andes. Curling, of course, comes next. We’ll let Homer Simpson get into the details of curling, but essentially it’s like shuffle-board in Florida, except that it’s played on ice in colder climates by people that have longer than just a year or two to live. 

Are we making fun of curling? Hell no! Any sport with little chance of injury that doesn’t require one to be in shape or sober is a quality activity in our book. The only thing we’d like to see is a little pyro and cheerleaders during the player intros.

noun.     1. In curling, a delivered stone that is intentionally wobbled to compensate for water, slush, or snow on the ice surface.   2. At Snoop Dogg’s house, a Kit Kat candy bar.

You want a Kizzle Kazzle? Fo’ shizzle nizzle!

Kevin Martin, the skipper of Canada’s undefeated top-seeded Olympic curling team, is so popular that even Wayne Gretzky is a fan. But not only that: Dude has to wear disguises out in public to avoid being stopped by fans.

Wow, what on earth did The Guess Who have to do back in the day?   

You Can’t Be Serious! (Winter Olympic Events)

Congratulations theologians and history buffs! Eilat Mazar, a Holy Land archaeologist, has discovered a 3,000-year-old wall that she believes substantiates the Bible’s account of King Solomon’s Jerusalem. What does it all mean? Well, atheists, apparently hell is gonna suck for you.

Given the lack of absolute authority, the field of archaeology—much like Charlie Sheen’s ski cottage—has its own fair share of in-fighting. Aren Maeir, an archaeology professor at Bar Ilan University in Israel, says he hasn’t seen enough evidence to support Mazar’s claim as to the age of the recently excavated fortification.

So chin up, non-believers. It may not be time get fitted for your flame-resistant coveralls just yet.

Some people take getting a D- in Paleoethnobotany a little harder than others.

noun.     1. In archaeology and geology, the science of determining the relative order of past events without necessarily determining absolute age.   2. Just another Saturday night in West Virginia.

In 1993, CBS aired “The Incredible Discovery of Noah’s Ark,” in which a special featured archaeologist named George Jammal held to the camera what he claimed  to be “sacred wood from the ark.” Jammal later admitted he was an actor and the “sacred wood” was from a Long Beach railroad tie that he had hardened by cooking it with various sauces in an oven.

How producers didn’t pick up the smell of A1 and teriyaki remains a mystery to this day.

Lil Wayne’s debut album went platinum when he was just 17 years old. Sadly, that may have also been the last time the 27-year-old Grammy winner ran a toothbrush over his diamond-encrusted chops.

Though he was to enter Rikers Island in February for a 2007 weapons charge, Wayne’s attorney was able to keep the rapper out of prison for a few more weeks by citing the need for a trip to the dentist. What many thought was a lame attempt at stalling the inevitable ended up being legit. Dude got eight! root canals last Tuesday!

Yes… yes you are, Lil Wayne.

noun.     1. A narcotic cocktail consisting of a soft drink mixed with codeine-based cough syrup, often garnished with a Jolly Rancher. A Lil Wayne favorite for a number of years, drank (AKA "syrup," "lean," "sizzurp") is popular in Southern hip-hop and has been blamed for a number of rapper’s deaths. 

No hacking cough, though.

As he awaits imprisonment in Rikers Island jail, Wayne has worried about the impact that 12 months out of the spotlight will have on his career. As a result, he has recorded three records worth of new music, guested on numerous other artists’ upcoming albums, and shot nine music videos over Super Bowl weekend to be released over the coming year.

Rikers Alumni

In this age of the quickly dismissed digital single, it is rare that a full-length album can still keep your attention (never mind necessitate purchase). Johnny Cash’s American VI: Ain’t No Grave (released tomorrow) is one of those records.  

With his gravelly baritone, Cash takes on familiar subject matter like the power of faith, friendship, adversity, and hope through covers of Sheryl Crow, Kris Kristofferson, and Ed McCurdy to name a few. Like the previous five albums in the American series, Ain’t No Grave is produced by sonic wunderkind Rick Rubin, whom MTV called the “most important producer of the last 20 years.” Rubin helped re-launch Cash’s career, whose success certainly confirmed Rubin’s Midas touch. Together, the two made an indelible mark in music history and left incomparable work.

This was said to a judge after Cash’s truck caught fire and torched 508 acres of Los Padres National Forest in California, killing 49 of the forest’s 53 endangered condors.

Ozzy bit the head off a bat. Cash burned 49 endangered condors alive.

noun.     The intellectual identification of the thoughts, feelings, or state of another person; capacity to understand another person’s point of view or the result of such understanding. 

Cash spoke for the downtrodden, uneducated, poor, incarcerated, and wretched who were looking for redemption … AKA The Toilet Paper staff.

In 1998, Rick Rubin took out an ad in USA Today, which featured Cash “flipping the bird.” The caption was: “American Recordings and Johnny Cash would like to acknowledge the Nashville music establishment and country radio for your support.” The ad also congratulated Cash for winning a Grammy Award for Best Country Album, Unchained. The ad, of course, was a sarcastic “thank you” to country radio virtually ignoring the album.

Quality Thread Count (Finest Covers)

Ye who have not defiled a national monument with your urine cast the first stone.

Twenty-eight years ago today, Ozzy Osbourne’s dyslexia got the best of him when, instead of remembering the Alamo, he relieved his member on the Alamo. On the morning of February 19th, 1982, after slamming a bottle of Courvoisier, the self-proclaimed “Prince of Darkness” left his hotel room in search of more booze. Since his wife and manager Sharon locked up his clothes to keep him from leaving, the hammered head-banger put on one of her dresses and darted out the door. The rest, as they say, is piss-tory. 

noun.     1. Placing two ideas, words, or images side-by-side so that their closeness creates an original, ironic, or insightful meaning.

Example: Madman Ozzy (seen here cooking bacon) lived next door to squeaky clean Pat Boone for three years. In spite of their polar opposite backgrounds and musical styles, they were friends.

After being fired from Black Sabbath in 1979, a dejected and depressed Ozzy was found binging on coke and booze in an LA hotel room. Sharon Arden (Black Sabbath manager Don Arden’s daughter) told Ozzy that, if he got it together, she would manage him. Three decades and 37 million records later, they have three kids.

Is it any wonder why women are called “the better half”?

But What a Singer!

Some landmarks are so woven into the fabric of a city, state, or country that to eradicate them would be to eliminate a central part of that locale’s identity. Imagine Paris without the Eiffel Tower, New York City without the Statue of Liberty, or Seaside Heights, NJ without the shore house where JWoww perused Pauly D’s pierced chicksicle.

Conservationists in LA are trying to raise $12.5M to purchase the land around the Hollywood sign to keep it from being blocked by the possible construction of mansions by developers.

Blocking the Hollywood sign? Are they crazy? That’s like clothing a Playboy centerfold … unthinkable!

Forget pot farm! Tell us more about this orgy farm, Veronica. Slowly. And in great detail.

noun.     1. The full name of the original sign built in 1923. It was built to advertise a new housing development in the hills above the Hollywood district of Los Angeles.   2. Movie starring Ben Affleck regarding the mysterious death of the original Superman, George Reeves.

Disheartened by her inability to break into Hollywood, 24-year-old New York stage actress Peg Entwistle leaped to her death from the top of the "H" in 1932. Ironically, two days after her death, a letter from the Beverly Hills Playhouse arrived offering her the lead role in a play about a woman driven to suicide.

Now that’s what we call method acting.

Finegood’s Sign Language

Whether they dutifully walk with their owners, steadfastly guard the homestead, play with the kids, or take power hits off Great Aunt Gertrude’s crotch, the unconditional love and dedication one gets from a canine companion is one of life’s many joys.

Last night, the 134th Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show wrapped up with "Sadie", a 4-year old Scottie, taking the prize for best in show. No word on if Sadie can catch a frisbee or track a deer, but the bitch sure has a nice coat and white teeth.

For our dog dollar, we’re satisfied with a happy hound that doesn’t hunch the varnish off the table leg or take a sh!t on the rug. 

noun.     1. At the discretion of the judge, an additional award made to outstanding entries that are not judged to be either best of breed, best of variety, or best of opposite sex.

Surprisingly, Best Set of Nuts has yet to be officially recognized.

First held in 1877, the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show predates the invention of the automobile, the building of the Brooklyn Bridge and Washington Monument, the invention of basketball, and the establishment of the World Series.

This proves that even in the “old days” there were rich as*holes with nothing better to do.

Best in Show Superlatives

For most, Fat Tuesday is the last day of Mardi Gras. For a scant few of us, she’s the rotund temptress we lost our virginities to in high school. Either way, good times.

With the Saints winning the Super Bowl two weeks ago, this Mardi Gras has been crazier than Gary Busey sharing a bottle of absinthe with Paula Abdul. Hopefully, rolling into Ash Wednesday with a hangover won’t hinder revelers’ abilities to decide what to give up for Lent.

Here at TTP HQ, we’re saying, “Sayonara cauliflower, you will be missed!”

Apparently, ole Louis had already scored triplets.

noun (plural).     Trinkets such as beads, cups, and doubloons that are tossed from the floats to the crowds during Mardi Gras parades.

The traditional cry from parade goers hoping for throws is, “Throw Me Something, Mister!” The more popular silent tactic: boobs. Some people are trying to change this.

When LSU was deciding on its colors, the shops in New Orleans had stocked up on purple, green, and gold material for the Mardi Gras season. LSU decided upon purple and gold, and bought much of it. Tulane bought much of the only remaining color: green!

Tulane, it sounds like you owe LSU a thank you. 

Time-Honored Traditions

Scars make a man more interesting. Experience can be as attractive as a good education. But running around with a sissified bag with nifty zippers and gold accents will sh!t-can your street cred faster than you can say “David Archuleta.”

Saddleback Leather Company hand crafts full grain leather bags that can take a beating in any environment and look even cooler after doing so. Simple yet sophisticated, Saddleback’s products aren’t designed by a fashion designer, but rather by a seasoned world traveler. This is someone who knows the rigors of the open road, just as at home roughing it in a third world country as taking meetings in Prague.

Saddleback’s products are designed for function, not fashion. Fortunately, they just happen to look super badass, too.

noun.     The finest leather money can buy. It comes from the top layer of the hide, which has not been sanded or buffed, and then remains in its natural state while maintaining maximum strength and durability. Saddleback only uses full grain leather for all of its products.

Not the case for that Buxton expanding wallet thing you bought your mom after watching an infomercial.

In 1999, Saddleback founder Dave Munson moved to southern Mexico to volunteer as an English teacher. Looking for a bag that could handle any adventure that came his way, Dave drew up what he wanted and gave the drawing to a local leather worker. It was the perfect bag. Nine years later, the same bag was chosen by MTV to be given out to rock stars and celebrities that performed and presented at the 2008 MTV Movie Awards.  

You are welcome, Lindsay Lohan!

Nothing Cooler

Going out to dinner on Valentine’s Day is as much a holiday ritual as watching the Detroit Lions get their asses tanned every Thanksgiving. To ensure your evening is a success and that your valentine is a happy one, we offer you some dining tips.

First, no matter where you decide to feed your fräulein this weekend, avoid the error of taking her somewhere you’ve never been. Poor service can quickly sap the romance out of any dining experience. When it comes to the ole wallet, here’s a good rule of thumb: Keep the cost per entrée in direct proportion to your date’s bust size.

noun.     An abnormal fear of dining and dinner conversation.

Deipnophobes make for perfect dates. They’re cheap and don’t drone on and on about their day.

Foods are sensual not because of shape or smell but because of how they are eaten, according to Meryl S. Rosofsky, a doctor and professor at NYU. For example, “sharing food from a common platter” and/or “sucking and slurping seductively” can be erotic.

Unique Dining Options

He’s won four Grammys, jams with blues legends, and has dated some of the best-looking women in show business. Nonetheless, the verbal diarrhea that continually spews from John Mayer’s mouth has us wondering if the guy has sh!t for brains.

Recent interviews in both Rolling Stone and Playboy have been both bizarre and baffling. Whether discussing past conquests, his proclivity for pulling his pud, or just blurting out racist nonsensical musings, Mayer seems hell bent on committing professional suicide.

In fact, Mayer may be the first singer-songwriter that could boost his career by shutting his mouth.

adj.     1. Blunt: characterized by directness in manner or speech.   2. Hot dog.   3. Lloyd Wright.

Mayer played the clarinet in middle school. It wasn’t until he was 13 and saw Michael J. Fox shred as Marty McFly in Back to the Future that he became interested in guitar. His dad rented a Washburn acoustic for him. Mayer never quit playing.

When Publicists Vacation

It was bad enough when airlines started pimping out headphones for the in flight movie. But when they modified the jacks so that you couldn’t plug in your own, it was just another reminder that flying has become about as pleasurable as tweezing your taint. Now, adding to your travel experience, the parsimonious peeps over at American Airlines will soon be charging passengers $8 for a blanket.

Look, we get the airline industry is less profitable than Camryn Manheim hustling a street corner, but the nickel and diming has got to stop.

How about making it a little less special and squeezing off a blast or two of air freshener in the lavatories from time to time?

noun.     Using a discounted rate to achieve a final destination different from your itinerary.

For example: You buy a cheap ticket for London to Hong Kong with a stop in Dubai – your actual desired destination. You then purposely miss your connection to Hong Kong.

Airlines call this practice illegal. We call it, “Shucks, I missed the gate announcement.”

Not Free! Fee, Baby!

Some things aren’t so great to discover: the company is letting you go, the tickets you bought from the scalper are for yesterday’s gig, and that gal you’ve been dating with the Adam’s apple and unusually large biceps used to be a diesel mechanic named Kenny.

Other discoveries can be quite joyous like, say, finding seven cases of rare 100-year-old scotch and brandy left behind by Sir Ernest Shackleton and his crew during a failed Antarctic expedition in 1909. While the cases were discovered in 2006, they were so far embedded into the ice that they weren’t extracted until just a few days ago by a team of determined boozehounds calling themselves the New Zealand Antarctic Heritage Trust. 

Nice work, dudes. Who knew exploring the Arctic could be so rewarding?

Yeah Ernie, leaving seven cases of booze behind is a good indicator you may have not had what it takes to have been a first class lush.

noun.     1. A situation occasionally reported by survivors of traumatic experiences in the wilderness where the presence of an unseen being is felt guiding them along. Shackleton described this feeling in his book, South. Since then hundreds have come forth with similar reports.

The heavy breathing you heard coming from your girlfriend’s closet door while you had sex with her doesn’t count.

While alcohol can make us feel warm, it can also quicken hypothermia. After drinking alcohol, the blood flows into the skin, pulling blood from the organs and lowering the body’s core temperature.

Something to keep in mind on your spring break ski trip.

Valiant Efforts

We love old ladies in muumuus with alphabetical accordion coupon wallets, but saving 25 cents on off-brand asparagus chowder is a small victory we can live without winning.

However, only fools scoff at saving money in this economy, especially when the activity is something kick-ass like taking in a museum exhibit, checking out a play, or scarfing down some appetizers and drinks at a new restaurant. Groupon.com features a different deeply discounted deal every day and allows you a great way to discover and explore new things without paying full price.

Cool? Like a polar bear fart in Koyukuk.

A penny ain’t worth sh*t. But we’re all down with saving some Benjamins!

noun.     The process of leveraging group spending in order to lower cost.

So let’s say Cinnamon charges $25 a lap dance, but only does one every hour. Not so great. But, if she is guaranteed 10 customers an hour that each pay $15 a dance, then she makes $150 an hour, and the patrons also save $10 bucks a dance. Saving money … almost as cool as boobs.

Groupon? Right on! – Example Deals

Some things in life just beg to be seen in person: the Temple of Artemis in Ephesus, the Taiwanese ping pong ball trick (shout-out to the lovely Sunny Wu), and the Super Bowl.

Just like the pilgrims in Chaucer’s Canterbury Tales traveling to see the shrine of Saint Thomas Becket, every pigskin devotee will have a story about what it took for them to get to Sun Life Stadium in Miami on Sunday. Some will empty their coffers for tickets and a lucky majority will get them comped by an evil corporate sponsor. Others will degrade, defile, and ditch their dignity just to take in the much ballyhooed brawl between the Saints and Colts for NFL supremacy.

Here’s hoping, for the sake of their quest, that the game does not disappoint.

By 2006 at the age of 72, Rich had crashed 33 Super Bowls without paying for a ticket. He was photographed on the podium with Vince Lombardi and Pete Rozelle after the first Super Bowl and helped carry Cowboys coach Tom Landry off the field after Super Bowl XII.

noun.     1. A person who sits in a seat that is different from the one noted on his or her ticket.   2. The type of gal you want to date if your back is thrown out.

In 1980, 32-year-old insurance salesman Barry Bremen posed as a line judge referee at Super Bowl XV. Bremen, known as “The Grand Imposter,” posed as an umpire in the World Series, a player in the NBA All-Star Game, and a PGA golfer—to name just a few of his successful ruses—before being found out.

By Any Means Necessary

They come in almost every color and size, can be found stored in drawers and closets in nearly every home in America, and are more popular than complimentary cheesecake at a Lane Bryant store. No, folks, we’re not talking about d!ldos, but rather the classic Polo short-sleeved knit shirt. Ralph Lauren, the creator and designer of the world famous clothing line, will once again be outfitting Team USA at the upcoming Winter Olympics in Vancouver.

We dig Ralph’s stuff, but we prefer our Polo logo the standard ¾-inch height as opposed to the obnoxious palm-sized super-douche variety. Here’s hoping Olympic gold will be worn around our athletes’ necks as often as the designated designer duds.

So does this camel hair dream come in a 56R?

noun.     Name of the 7-minute periods in a polo match. There are either four or eight chukkas in a full game, depending on the level being played.

Used in a sentence:  I was cheering for the champs when they choked in the last chukka.

Ralph Lauren was born as Ralph Rueben Lifshitz.

Good thing he changed his name. "Polo by Ralph Lifshitz" just doesn’t have the same ring to it.

What Were They Thinking? (Olympic Outfits)

Be the change you want to see in the world, but first lobby to have your daughter get another shot on American Idol.

Just three weeks after Scott Brown loosened the bowels of Massachusetts Democrats by winning Ted Kennedy’s vacated Senate seat, the Republican United States Senator-elect from the Bay State lamented his daughter Ayla’s early exit from the fifth season of the Fox hit show and asked that Simon bring her back on.

Look, we expect extra-marital affairs, shadily raised campaign funds, and begrudgingly claimed love children in big time politics today, but abusing the power and influence that comes with being a Cosmopolitan centerfold? How very disappointing. 

Mostly from men? We thought Rachel Maddow was in a committed relationship.

noun.     Patronage bestowed or favoritism shown on the basis of family relationship, as in business and politics.

Man, an example here would be huge. Just can’t think of any.

Can Offspring Sing?

J.D. Salinger, the Greta Garbo of literature, died last Wednesday at the age of 91. After authoring one of the greatest American novels of all time, he virtually disappeared and started drinking his own piss. Salinger’s The Catcher in the Rye was required reading for most in high school, and later served as a dog-eared coaster and totem of literary awakening and appreciation in many college dorm rooms. On top of being a fun and fascinating read, Catcher was also a comfort and confirmation that we were not journeying alone through a teenage wasteland.

J.D., we never knew you, but your book got a lot of us through. Thanks, dude.

True, unless she is also making the rescue beer run for a Super Bowl party.

noun.     1. German: A type of novel concerned with the education, development, and maturation of a young protagonist. 

That’s another ten dollar word you can add to your German speaking arsenal, along with fahrvergnügen (“the pleasure of driving”) and hefeweizen (“wheat beer”). Please do not drink hefeweizen while taking part in fahrvergnügen. That would be du bist doof (“stupid”).

Salinger fought in World War II as a member of the 12th Infantry Regiment, 4th Infantry Division. He saw combat at Utah Beach on D-Day and in the Battle of the Bulge. He was also one of the first soldiers to enter a liberated concentration camp. The experience had an emotional affect on him, and he was hospitalized for combat stress reaction for a few weeks following the war.

Catcher Worthy: Read ‘Em

Valentine’s Day: a holiday where you are damned if you do and damned if you don’t. Give her chocolate, flowers, and a stuffed animal, and you look like an unoriginal ass-hat. Buy her a sex swing and a pair of Velcro tear-away panties, and you look a tad too optimistic on your first date. Don’t do anything, and you’ve really sh!t the bed. Fortunately, there is GiftGenius: a website than can help you find the very best gift for your special someone on Valentine’s Day without having you dash to the mall at the last minute to buy her more shower gel and another f*cking candle.

Don’t break her heart by being a dummy. Plan ahead and use GiftGenius.com.

Ralph, you dirty dog. Who knew the leader of the transcendentalist movement could be so hysterical? The average “portion” given by a dude is roughly 5.5 inches.

1. French for “I love you.”

… in case you can’t commit to saying it to her in English.

Teachers receive the most Valentine’s Day cards, followed by children, mothers, wives, and then sweethearts. Children between ages six to ten exchange more than 650 million Valentine cards with teachers, classmates, and family members.

Still stinging from the diss in fourth grade, Karen? You know who you are.

Eureka! (Great Gift Ideas)

Most 16-year-old girls are concerned about pimples, prom, and being popular. For Californian teenager Abby Sunderland, being hi-jacked by pirates, crushed in blinding squalls, or starving to death top the list.

Last Friday, the young sailor hopped aboard her boat Wild Eyes and set out to be the youngest person to sail around the world. Crazy? You bet your sea cock. But with social networking, bullying, pregnancy pacts, gang violence, and all the other dreck facing many teenage girls attending high school today, spending 150 days on a boat alone doesn’t sound so dangerous.

So, like a paper on harpoon maintenance and a final on scurvy? What’s the big deal?

noun.     1. Sailing or flying around; making the circuit by navigation.   2. Preliminary fly-by the doctor does before snipping the turtleneck off your wang.

Abby’s brother Zac Sunderland was 17 when he sailed around the world on a 36-foot Islander sailboat he bought for $6,000. It took him 13 months and 2 days. His sister plans to do it in 5 months. No one likes a one-upper, Abby.

The Young and Ambitious

For kids, they spark imagination and encourage free-form play. For parents—if stepped on with bare feet—they can elicit a pants-sh!ttingly loud scream.

Legos, the multi-colored snap-together bricks, were patented 52 years ago today. Since then, billions of the tiny plastic blocks have been produced, played with, swallowed, and vacuumed. With just a bit of ingenuity and manual dexterity, the possibilities for construction are endless. Sure, it can be frustrating to a kid when a kit that takes hours to put together explodes into a million pieces when they finally try to play with it. But that is part of the fun and the lesson: to take from the wreckage and build something new.

Once we finish undressing the bank teller and a co-worker or two with our minds, we’ll do some cerebral Lego calisthenics.

noun.     1. A film made using Legos or other similar plastic construction toys. One of the most famous is Michel Gondry’s groundbreaking MTV Award-winning video for the White Stripes, "Fell in Love with a Girl."

The Lego toy empire got started in 1932 when Ole Kirk Christiansen, a Danish carpenter, almost went bankrupt. During a depression, he had lost so much carpentry business that he started making wooden toys and selling them from his workshop. Two years later, he named his company "Lego" from the Danish words "leg godt," which mean "play well."

Remarkable Lego Feats

Few things are less pleasant to hear than a drunken lecture from a prostitute, anything by Metallica after The Black Album, or political rhetoric. However, since tonight’s 9:00 PM EST State of the Union address will no longer affect the premiere of Lost, we’ll be tuning in. On top of that, we’ll be playing the drinking game.

It’s not just the kid cleaning toilets at Skyline Chili that hates his job. Sometimes even politicos don’t want to go to work.

noun.     1. Named after office assistant Lenny Skutnik who heroically dove into icy waters after a plane wreckage to rescue a woman and was later invited as a special guest to Reagan’s SOTU.   2. The term now refers to a "human prop" used by a speaker to make a political point.

Our suggestion this year: “The Situation.”

Since the Cold War, one member of the President’s cabinet refrains from attending the SOTU to protect the presidential line of succession in case of attack or tragedy. Following the attacks of September 11, Congress began holding back one Senator and one Representative from each party as well.

Executive Interrogatives

You know it’s a big deal when, instead of nailing snow bunnies in the keister, young directors are more focused on finding distribution for their films in the can. The Sundance Film Festival is in full swing this week, and the slopes are as steep as the hopes are high for many unknown artists looking to be discovered as well as many known artists hoping to be reconsidered. The Sundance Film Festival has launched hundreds of careers and exposed moviegoers around the world to extraordinary work that otherwise would have never been seen.

For some of the Hollywood elite, Sundance is a ski vacation where the fresh powder isn’t just on the mountain. For the undiscovered, it’s their shot at a lift ticket for the ride of a lifetime.

Night vision porn and Chihuahuas notwithstanding.

noun.     1. A young actress.   2. A type of role played by a young actress, generally implying a young, fresh-faced, naive character.   3. See Dawn Weiner in the 1996 Sundance Grand Jury Prize winner Welcome to the Dollhouse.

The Utah/US Film Festival began in 1978 in an effort to attract more filmmakers to Utah. Robert Redford’s involvement as inaugural chairman gave the festival immediate legitimacy and press. In 1991, the Festival was officially renamed the Sundance Film Festival after Redford’s character in the movie Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid.

Some Fest Faves