Dear Lovers, Haters, Fans & Friends - 

After three years it's time for us to flush the proverbial bowl here at TTP HQ.  Yes, we know, the Rolling Stones we ain't.

While the initial goal three years ago was to generate revenue via advertising in our e-mails, we found the sheer joy of engaging with such a fun, wacky and diverse group of individuals superseded the futile pursuit of legal tender.    (Well, that and few companies wanted to advertise with an e-mail newsletter that once discussed the precarious process of waxing one's hirsute turd furnace.)

Anyhoo, as the cats in Wu-Tang once said, "Cash rules everything."  Chris is working on the follow-up to his first novel, while Paul and Gregg are changing the world with a new venture in NYC.

Your support, positive or otherwise, has been invaluable.  Hopefully, you learned something interesting, laughed, or had your dander worked up enough to fly us the high middle or shoot us an angry e-mail.

Thank you for letting us play a role in your day.  It has been an absolute honor and privilege to be in your in-box and a total blast making new friends and inciting the occasional riot.  

With sincere appreciation,

Chris and Gregg

Want to e-mail, stay in touch with Chris?  Put a rubber on that e-mail (no viruses) and hit him up at chriscraig20@gmail.com  

1.  Thank you in Swahili.  2) See Armand.

  Over our three year reign of terror, TTP was mentioned on Fox & Friends, NY Post, Fox News, ABC Radio, Radar Online, Sports Illustrated Extra Mustard and numerous internet radio shows and blogs.  Our biggest highlight?  Being re-tweeted by Nina Hartley.  We love you Nina!

Why TTP is Folding?

Dear Lovers, Haters, Fans & Friends -   

After three years it's time to flush the proverbial bowl here at TTP HQ.  Yes, we know, the Rolling Stones we ain't. 

While the initial goal three years ago was to generate revenue via advertising in our e-mails, we found the sheer joy of engaging with such a fun, wacky and diverse group of individuals superseded the futile pursuit of legal tender. (Well, that and few companies wanted to advertise with an e-mail newsletter that once discussed the precarious process of waxing a hirsute turd furnace.)

Anyhoo, as the cats in Wu-Tang Clan once said, "Cash rules everything." Chris is working on his follow-up to his first novel and Paul and Gregg are changing the world with a new venture in NYC.

Your support, positive or otherwise, has been invaluable.  Hopefully, you learned something interesting, laughed, or had your dander worked up enough to fly us the high middle or shoot us an angry e-mail.

Thank you so much for letting us play a role in your day.  It has been an absolute pleasure to be in your in-box and a total blast making new friends and inciting the occasional riot..

With sincere appreciation,

Chris and Gregg 

1) Thank you in Swahili.  2) See Armand.

TTP was mentioned on Fox & Friends, NY POST, Fox News, ABC Radio, Radar Online, Sports Illustrated Extra Mustard and numerous internet radio shows and blogs.  Our biggest highlight?  Being re-tweeted by Nina Hartley.

While there are numerous indignities one can suffer while being a security guard, accidentally blasting your dick off with an unregistered handgun has got to be a solid #1.

Some poor bastard from The Republic of Trinidad and Tobago did just that last week after using his pants pocket as a makeshift holster for his .38. 

Authorities later added insult to his injury by charging him with illegal possession of a handgun and ammunition.   Does that suck?  Totally!  Does his girlfriend?  Not anymore.  

Wuttever,slutt!  

noun.     1. When a man sympathizes with the pain another man has felt on his dick. 

The Republic of Trinidad and Tobago is one of the wealthiest and most developed nations in the Caribbean.  Trinidad and Tobago is listed in the top 40 of high income countries in the world.   

Does affirmative action exclude humor?  While SNL's Starbucks faux-mercial had many of us holding our sides last weekend, others were claiming the bit was (sigh) racist.

The skit featured a home-brewing Starbucks machine, that came with the voices of two clueless employees with black accents.   Not surprisingly, those hypersensitive to perceived cultural slights immediately took offense. 

Racial intolerance is abhorable.  Suggesting there are no inadequate baristas of color or that  minorities should get a free pass when it comes to pointing out incompetence is absurd.  

If we are encouraged to acknowledge and celebrate our differences as human beings, how can it be "racist" to find humor in those differences?  It seems dishonest not to.

[Join the conversation about ... SNL.] 

noun.     1. The feeling of being offended or resentful after slight indignity.

Joe Bob took umbrage to being called a redneck after showing off of the Lynyrd Skynyrd tattoo on his wife's back.

In August, 2012, Somali comedian, Abdi Jeylani Malaq, was shot to death outside a radio station in Mogadishu after poking fun at Islamic militants.  

No one in al Qeaeda has ever heard of Henry Ward Beecher.

Are you a wealthy executive with ancillary coin whose hang low hasn’t been hi-ho in quite some time?  Would you like to see the difference your money can make in someone’s life as opposed to just cutting a check to a faceless charity?   

Well then, today is your day.  Say hello to SeekingArrangement, the #1 website for hot young steaming strumpets, nay starving students, to trade out a little beaver for books, some trim for tuition, some ass-play for an MBA. 

That’s right, you give some sweet young thing tons of cash and gifts to act like she likes you, and she occasionally tosses your salad.  Some call it being a Sugar Daddy, Tom Cruise calls it every relationship he has ever known.

Capitalism at its finest or a charitable cause for kooze?  Probably better to have a bowl of popcorn and view the profiles before making a rash decision.

Thinking About…Sugar Daddies

Translation:  That's not some douche in a KIA.  It's an old boy with a young toy.  "Olive Garden tonight, my love?"

noun.     1) A woman companion of a gunman or gangster. 2) A female prostitute.

San Francisco is the number one city to find a Sugar Daddy, with more lonely millionaires per capita than any other United States city.

Do your Levi’s leave you high and dry?  Does your denim have skin drying venom?  The brain trust at Wrangler certainly thinks so.  (You know Wrangler…the jeans that nobody wears save for people west of the Mississippi and Bret Favre.) 

Used to when you wanted moist jeans all you had to do was dry hump your high school sweetheart on the basement loveseat.  Now, Wrangler is coming out with moisturizing jeans for women.   

They're called Denim Spa Jeans and come in three different styles:  Aloe Vera, Olive Extract and My Water Broke.   Actually, the third choice is called Smooth Legs.    Lame?  Better than jeggings.

[Join the conversation about ... Jeans.]

Brooke, if you could smell our jeans, we'd be embarrassed.

verb.     1. To wet with or as if with dew.

Used incorrectly in transcribed lyrics for a doo wop song:  Do bedew bedew. 

The Wrangler brand is owned by the VF Corporation headquartered in Greensboro, NC.  The company also owns Lee, JanSport and The North Face brands.  

Jeans TTP Would Like to See

Just when we think we can’t bear any more bad news The University of Vermont has gone and banned the sale of bottled water on their campus.  We know what you’re thinking?  “Where and what is a Vermont?” 

Apparently it’s a state with a $hitload of syrup.  VT is also the birthplace of the wiggly, woogly, whitebread jam band PHISH.  A special state for those that eat pancakes and dig dropping a little window pane on the mothership.  

Why is UVT banning bottled water sales?  Because “commodifying what should be public trust resources” is wrong.”  That’s college-ese for, our sports teams suck but we’d still like some media attention.    

A step in the right direction, or trampling over consumers right to choose?  Who cares?  We prefer our water out of single serving re-enforced steel cans.

The number one major poetic substance?  Tits.

noun.     1. a safe 100% recyclable plastic used for beverage containers

Used in a sentence:  PET plastic bottled water containers are  the single most recycled item in nationwide curbside collection programs.

San Francisco’s tap water comes from Yosemite National Park.  It is so pure the EPA does not require it to be filtered.  Oh snap!  Take that Mexico.

Also Banned in the USA

Taking a hit on a soft 16 and getting a five?  Awesome.  Full house on the river?  Excellent.  A strip joint with a swimming pool?  That better only be squirts of suntan lotion in the hot tub.

This spring The Sapphire Club in Las Vegas hopes to open an $8M dollar pool and lounge facility where patrons can ogle bad boob jobs, pay insane bottle service rates, and hopefully get their willy wet in more ways than one.

While it sounds cool in theory, an oppressive double standard will remain Topless women must wear pasties, while European men can put their pubes on public display in their Speedos any time they like.  

What do we think?  This concept is truly a bust!

Actually, that was HAL ROTHMAN Neon Metropolis

verb.     1. abounding or swarming with something, like people.

Used in a sentence:  Thanks to the teeming throngs of people at Wet Republic, we were unable to find Rock-O.

The "Dead Sea of China" is a saltwater swimming pool located in Daying county, Sichuan province.  The pool covers an area of 30,000 square meters and accomodates up to 10,000 visitors at once.  Now THAT, is a lot of pee pee in your Coke.

TTP's Proposed Names for Sapphire's new pool/lounge/club:

What fires people up more than jockeying for free samples at Costco and George Lucas phucking with the original STAR WARS movies?  

Gun control, baby! We’ve been doing this for 3.5 years now, and not since our piece on the mosque at Ground Zero have we been barraged with such outrage and praise.

Our biggest take away after Tuesday’s piece?   If the U.S. is ever invaded, our civilians got this!  Also, SOME gun-owners' ire is on a hair trigger when it comes to reading a differing opinion.  We’ve never been sprayed with Napalm, but thanks to Glen in OK for offering a demonstration.  Merry Christmas, fruitcake!

We welcome all opinions by our readers which is why we have our “Stall Wall” discussion board. We hope to create a forum where people can offer their individual points of view and perhaps listen to others that feel differently.

That being said – if our in-box is any indication – rage seems to be alive and well in the USA.  Apparently people are as afraid of words as they are guns.

[Join the conversation about ... Passionate Readership.]

(adj.) – refusing to agree or compromise, inflexible.

Gun lobbyists are intransigent when it comes to talk of ANY KIND of tighter gun control.  

After exhaustive research, Yale professor, John Lott's book "More Guns, Less Crime" points out that states with "right to carry" laws actually have less crime.

We got no beef with Lott's findings. In fact, we wish a teacher would've been armed in CT and taken out that sick twist Lanza before he got in the door.

WHAT? Other TTP Controversies

Pain and grief of such magnitude as felt from Friday’s CT massacre  can often be catalysts for knee-jerk reactions, but there also comes a time when the madness must end. 

While sane gun owners aren’t committing these horrific crimes, John Q. Public does not need access to high powered assault rifles or armor piercing rounds.  It’s obvious we need tighter gun control laws, but the  solution doesn’t just end with guns.

We must also hold accountable parents, teachers, and psychiatrists that see, know and are aware of clinically dangerous individuals, yet choose to remain silent.   We are not talking odd ducks or social misfits here, folks.  We are talking about the truly, truly sick.   

In order to move forward in a safer and saner America we must do two things:  Stop confusing the second amendment with common sense, and take a stand and identify the truly dangerous without feeling we are impeding on their right to privacy.  Sound crazy?  Everything already is.  

Thinking About … Hard Lessons

Guns, yes, but do we need surface to air missiles in our backyards?

noun.     1. An unexpected delay between the triggering of a firearm and the ignition of the propellant.

Hit it fellas!  

Fifteen of the twenty-five worst mass shootings in the last 50 years took place in the United States.

Smoking is cool. Well, at least it would be if the buzz lasted longer, cost less and didn’t make you smell like a Rhino queef. Toss in the short hacking cough, mingling with strangers in tundra-like conditions on street corners in winter, that whole pesky cancer thing and sucking down a stump doesn’t seem so fresh after all.

What to do? Well, if you’re like Keith Richards you can puff away all day waiting for lung transplants to become standard, or you can simply quit. Then again, who wants to pack on an extra 40lbs. and be miserable?

If only there was a way to enjoy a smokeless, non-carcinogenic cigarette anytime, anywhere. What? There is? Cool! But what if the name could somehow play off an iconic American automobile? What?  That’s out there too? Suh-Wheet!

Folks! Wrap your nicotine starving lips around Cigavette and enjoy a bitchin' buzz without the biological bullshit.

Use coupon code "TTP" for an 15% off. 

Vonnegut was a lifelong smoker of unfiltered Pall Malls. He fell down his stairs and died at the age of 84. It is not known if he was pushed by his smokes.

Note: Cigavette would NEVER push you down the stairs.

adj.     extreme care or reluctance in spending.

Depending on level of your disgusting smoking habit, Cigavette can potentially save you hundreds of dollars a year.

Joan Crawford would not even walk into a hotel room unless it had a loaf of toasted French bread and seven packs of cigarettes (three opened) waiting for her. She also liked to know in advance the exact number of steps from the elevator to her hotel room. Oh yeah and NO WIRE HANGARS!!!!

Choose Your Starter Pack for $29.95

Just when we think the US has sh*t the proverbial bed (Obamacare, the fiscal cliff, "show me your wiener" Elmo) the French come along and remind us that at least we're not pussies.

That's right, France, the country that gave us berets, quiche and mimes has now upped their milquetoast rating to a perfect ten. How? French President François Hollande is proposing that France ban homework? Why? Well because, silly, those students that don't have parents to help them will be at a disadvantage.

Numerous studies have been performed that show too much homework can be detrimental – BUT – banning it altogether because some kids don't have parents? We'll pause a moment while you go change your pants.

[Join the conversation about ... French Reform.]

Weird Al, you just got served.

noun.     belief/theory that only ten minutes of homework should be assigned each night per every grade level.

Countries with the highest achievement test scores, such as Japan, Denmark, and the Czech Republic, have little homework. Meanwhile, countries such as Greece, Thailand, and Iran, where students have some of the worst average scores, have teachers who assign a lot of homework.

Other Possible French Bans/Rules & Reasons

It would be inappropriate and racist to assume that only black lesbians fight over latex penises during the holidays, but doggone it if Arteesha Donaldson and Latoya Hudson haven't rushed out and tried to prove the stereotype.

Apparently, the two sapphic sistas from South Carolina got in a physical altercation after Arteesha assumed her plastic poon pounder had been pilfered. In fact, her desire for her detachable, dangling doo-hickey was so great that she threw an ironing board at her lover, Latoya.

What new bit of Thanksgiving etiquette have we learned? It's better to forget to stuff the turkey than to crook the clam crammer.

[Join the conversation about ... Thanksfighting.]

What he said.

noun.     a nickname.

Used in a sentence: Doc Johnson manufactures a fifteen inch tall dildo with the sobriquet "The Great American Challenge."

The world's oldest known dildo is a siltstone 20-centimeter phallus from the Upper Palaeolithic period 30,000 years ago that was found in Hohle Fels Cave near Ulm, Germany.

Great news for fat-asses out there who enjoy washing down junk food with beer/soft drinks and sitting on their asses all day: Sugar and fat are NOT responsible for your obesity… wheat  IS! That’s right, wheat. Wheat breads, wheat pastas, wheat cereals — ALL bad.

In his NY Times bestselling book, Wheat Belly, William Davis, MD reveals that the wheat that was once good for us is now actually killing us. Why? Because, according to Davis, greedy corporations and processed food manufacturers have genetically altered wheat to produce higher yields at lower costs, thus rendering the former staple nutritionally bereft.

Dr. Davis insists that cutting wheat out of your diet will reduce your chances for illness, disease and a gut that resembles this. Pass the broccoli!

[Join the conversation about ... Wheat Belly.]

No wait, that was Christian Nevell Bovee, American author (1820-1904). Paris gave us, “That’s hot.”

adj.     present, appearing or found everywhere.

In 1870, French physician Apollinaire Bouchardt observed that sugar in the urine of his patients diminished during the four-month-long siege of Paris by the Prussian Army when bread was in very short supply.

War, what is it good for? Weight loss if you’re French and can’t defend your turf.

Claimed Wheat-Free Diet Benefits

Doomsday prognosticators have been chirping about the end of days ever since the first caveman watched his wife get taken out by a high speed pterodactyl turd — yet somehow this crazy rock rolls on.

For some, uncertain times call for drastic measures. Take the Preppers for instance.   A group of folks obsessed with preparing for the end of the world, be it terrorist attack, zombie apocalypse or Hootie and the Blowfish reunion tour.

All eyes open, all hands on deck, compounds stocked with food, distilled water and ammo at the ready. For some a responsible step towards the inevitable, for us a foolish waste of time and money. We say enjoy today. There may not be a tomorrow.

That being said, if sh*t does hit the fan, let us into your bunker, will ya?

[Join the conversation about ... The End of the World.]

verb.     to prepare, strengthen against attack.

Used incorrectly in a sentence: When asked how long he worked on Saturday, Darius said, "Fortify."

An abandoned missile silo in Kansas has been converted into a "guaranteed" disaster proof collection of luxury condos. Four units have been sold so far. Amenities include a movie theater, swimming pool and dry goods that will sustain residents for five years without leaving the silo.

TTP Doomsday Kit Necessities

He has a license to kill, cars and gadgets Batman envies, and enjoys a bit of 'how’s your father' with libidinous dames with nifty names. To the British Secret Service he is 007. Monte Carlo croupiers know him as Bond, James Bond. We call him one lucky sonofabitch.

Skyfall, the 23rd Bond film, opens this weekend. With any luck we’ll be as stealthy as our hero when it comes to sneaking our snacks into the theater. Word of advice: Unless you want an unpleasant walk from the car, avoid sneaking in a monster dill pickle.   

We don’t want to spoil the movie, but you can bet Daniel Craig beats, nails and saves some serious ass. We’re hoping he doesn’t do all three to Dame Judi Dench.

[Join the conversation about ... 007.]

adj.     incapable of being destroyed.

Used in a sentence: After 23 films, it seems James Bond is inextirpable.

Ian Fleming loved drinking gin — sometimes a bottle a day — but was converted to bourbon at the suggestion of his doctor who thought it might be marginally less damaging for his health.

Bond Girls TTP’d Like to See

Today is election day! And you all know what that means – tomorrow we get our commercials back hawking disposable razors, diabetes medications and bankruptcy lawyers instead of being repeatedly assaulted by political ads. That, friends, is progress we can believe in.

The possibility of swaying a decided voter in a political conversation is about as likely as Adam Sandler winning an Academy Award. We could care less how you vote, just like you could care less that we are writing in Gilbert Gottfried. Just go vote, be done and shut the hell up about it.   

One thing we hope we all can agree on is that the negativity, virulence and lack of civility in today’s political discourse has served no purpose other than further dividing us as a country. Whoever wins, we’re stuck with for four more years, so why not get over it and hope for the best? No wait, don’t tell us.

[Join the conversation about ... Election Day.]

noun.     money that must be paid in order to vote.

Poll taxes kept many poor people from voting. The 24th Amendment to the Constitution (ratified in 1964) made poll taxes illegal.

Election day is the Tuesday on or after November 2nd. November was chosen (when our country was primarily agrarian) because it was after the harvest. The 2nd was chosen because November 1st is All Saints Day. Tuesday was picked to allow those in far out rural areas a day to travel to the polls.

All Good Here Folks!

He’s been imprisoned, given shock treatment in a mental institution, accused of molestation and rendered impotent by a failed assassination attempt in 1978, yet somehow Larry Flynt still manages to roll on in his $85,000 gold wheelchair.

A despicable and reviled smut peddler to some, a fearless champion of the first amendment to others, Flynt is 70 years old today.

One of the most polarizing, controversial and audacious American businessmen, Flynt continues to enrage some and entertain others with his porn empire and humorous attempts at being a plausible political pundit.

For better or worse, love him or hate him, Larry Flynt is an original. Only in America.

[Join the conversation about ... Larry Flynt.]

noun.     1. Greek for “love of looking."     2. sexual pleasure gained from looking at erotic objects.

In 1978, a white supremacist named Joseph Paul Franklin was so outraged by an interracial photo shoot in Hustler that he attempted to assassinate Flynt as he walked outside of a Georgia courthouse. The shooting left Flynt paralyzed for life.

Bits & Pieces

We here at TTP don’t pretend to be the authority on exceptional parenting, but we’re pretty sure if we discovered booze in our teen’s soda bottle and he said that’s the way it was when he opened it, we’d laugh, say "nice try" then threaten to take his bong away for a week if he didn’t come clean.

Well it’s happened. A 13-year-old in Shoreline, WA is claiming he "discovered" whiskey in his Mountain Dew bottle after opening it. The best part… his naive, nincompoop of a mom believes him!   In fact she is furious,  promises to no longer buy Mountain Dew ever again, and may even sue.

What are the chances this innocent young man’s mother will be shocked by his girlfriend’s virgin birth in a year or two?

[Join the conversation about ... Comical Claim.]

adj.     not having the appearance of truth or credibility.

Originally, Mountain Dew was the nickname for whiskey, especially bootleg whiskey. Mountain Dew soft drink contains no alcohol. However, its creators, Barney and Ally Hartman, originally bottled the lemon-lime soda to be mixed with whiskey.

Mountain Don’t

He inspired us, moved us. Christ, we even wore those godawful Simpson skin colored bracelets with suits, but today American hero Lance Armstrong is an unapologetic, narcissistic charlatan. A busted myth, a bad joke, another athletic cheat who boasted and thrived on fraudulent feats.

Harsh? Why poop a give about some dude that took drugs so he could wear a yellow shirt? We wondered that too, then it hit us… Lance was playing us all for fools, mocking us with his sheer audacity to think we were all stupid enough to believe he could win seven, SEVEN, Tour de France titles. Looking back now, that feat is on par with the Cubs winning the National League pennant once. Impossible.

We never cared that Armstrong was a cocky prick inside the professional cycling circuit. We never needed or wanted him as a friend, just a harbinger of hope. Now dude is just a another drag.

[Join the conversation about ... Lance Armstrong.]

(Known as Frank R. by all his teachers.)

noun.     deception, trickery.

In 1904, Tour De France winner Maurice Garin was stripped of his title for taking the train during the race.

Steroids: Good for Dudes

As nearly anyone with half a brain knows, this year’s presidential election is like an irregular, faux leather tit sling. Unappealing and featuring two ill-fitting boobs.

We, like many, thought and hoped Obama had the answers when he won four years ago, but dude ended up sh*tting the bed worse than a goose after a taco salad. Romney, on the other hand, is as square as an absorbant sponge that lives under the sea.

So how are we here at TTP HQ voting? We’re going Mitt! Why? We’ve boiled it down to one simple yet revealing factor, respect for the office. Romney has refused to go on the absurd chick-chat show, The View, while Obama just recently weighed in on the Mariah Carey/Nicki Minaj feud on something called the Yo-Show. Ju-hee-zuhs!

[Join the conversation about ... 2012 Election.]

noun.     the inability to become excited about any of the choices for president put forth by either party during an election year.

Used in a sentence: When it came to Wang using the term electile dysfunction, no one knew if he wanted Viagra or an additional presidential candidate.

Until 1997, all former presidents and their families were protected by the Secret Service until the president's death. Following Bill Clinton, all subsequent presidents are protected by the Secret Service for a maximum of 10 years after leaving office.

Disagree to Agree

Think having a GED, American Citizenship and the ability to speak English qualifies you to work for the Transportation Security Administration (TSA)? Nope! You also have to be a power tripping, incompetent ass bag.

Why hurt an Arab’s feelings by asking him to remove his keffiyeh when you can force a dying woman to remove her bandages from recent surgeries? Hey, don’t stop there, feel free to contaminate her medication too.

Oh yes, we know, we know, they do such an important job. Where would we be without these testicle slapping, floundering slackers?

[Join the conversation about ... The TSA.]

verb.     harass, besiege.  

Incorrectly used in a sentence: While Darius thought he would go high in the NBA draft, everyone knew he was strictly a beleaguer.

Two studies by a group of Cornell University researchers have found that strict airport security has the unintended consequence of increasing road fatalities, as would-be air travelers decide to drive and are exposed to the far greater risk of dying in a car accident.

That’s agoraphobia one, humanity zero.

Thoughtless or Thorough?

Congratulations to Joran van der Sloot on his impending fatherhood. Couldn’t have happened to a nicer guy. No, wait, this dude is an anorectal abscess on the embodiment of humanity.

How in the hell did karma get this one wrong? Hundreds of thousands of couples across the world struggling to have a kid, and this Dutch douche gets to open a Hallmark card every year in June???

How’d it happen? Some mentally deranged ditz, named Leidi, got knocked-up by the murdering galoot during an unsupervised visit in prison. Unsupervised?  

This is not the jailhouse love most were hoping this psychopath would receive in lock-up.

[Join the conversation about ... Outlaw Offspring.]

Translation: Good luck finding anyone to go for a walk on the beach with you, kid.

noun.     the condition of being attracted to and sexually aroused by violent criminals.

Used in a sentence: Due to her hybristophilia, Renee nearly slid off her naugahyde car seat every time she drove by San Quentin.

More than one in forty children in the United States has a parent in prison.

What does this mean? To some, a carton of smokes is still a terrific Christmas gift.

Boning Behind Bars

“Hey, Sully! You know what would be a hoot? Let’s shove those wine bottles in our asses and get hammered. No, not that end, you idiot, the small one where the wine pours out.”

And so it goes, or supposedly went at the ole Pike house at the University of Tennessee recently when a “butt-chugging” chum wound up at the ER with a nearly lethal .40 BAC and an anus emitting staggering aromatics.

What an idiot! You’ve got to let the wine breathe first. 

“Rectum! Damn near killed him!”

[Join the conversation about ... Butt-Chugging.]

noun.     a person with an irresistible craving for an alcoholic drink.

Used in a sentence: We thought a dipsomaniac was a person with a Skoal ring worn into his back pocket.

A person’s blood alcohol concentration (BAC) can continue to rise even while the person is passed out. Remaining alcohol in the stomach and intestine continues to enter the bloodstream and circulate throughout the body. It is dangerous to assume the person will be fine by sleeping it off.

Not Just for Butts

Thirteen schools in NYC will soon be funneling Barry White tunes into darkened study halls so kids with the proclivity for pounding pissers can get their swerve on.   Kidding, folks, that would be ridiculous!

Actually, they’ll only be handing out the Plan B pill to female students as young as fourteen. What?  “Outrageous,” you say? “Whatever happened to the good ole days when schools administered condoms?”

Shame on you, you oppressive and inconsiderate boobs. Don’t you know that rubbers are too persnickety to pull on, and are a hindrance for kids seeking authentic physical sexual satisfaction?

[Join the conversation about ... Plan B in Schools.]

Cigars, penises — whatever, Lynda.

noun.     sexual intercourse between a man and woman. 

Uh oh! Some folks aren’t going to be happy about that.

There were less teenage mothers in 2010 than any year since 1946 per the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

Baby Mama Brass Tacks

Some people have no respect, no decency, no proper decorum. In fact, some folks are downright blasphemous. Take fancy book-learnin' Harvard hot shot, Karen King. 

Not only does the Divinity School professor make Janet Reno look bang-worthy, she has recently found an old piece of paper that she says, when translated, appears to indicate that Jesus Christ was married.  

What? This outrageous academic assumption is nothing more than half-baked hokum, a cockamamie claim. Jesus married? Preposterous! With all his dope magic tricks, great hair and public speaking skills, we have no doubt that our homeboy rolled solo and enjoyed playing the field.

Okay, maybe JC’s game was a little weak considering he hung out with whores, but still, conjecture like King’s is a perfect example of "hey, look at me" heresy.

[Join the conversation about ... Mrs. Jesus.]

noun.     a person who maintains that Christ has one nature, either wholly divine or partly divine, partly human.

Martin Scorsese’s 1988 film The Last Temptation of Christ retold the life of Christ in human rather than in divine terms. It was met with such ire that some French fundamentalist Catholics torched a number of cinemas releasing the film, causing one death and several serious injuries.

Things We Imagine Jesus’ Wife Saying

Poor Jerry Sandusky! Had he been popping tents in the Boy Scouts as opposed to penetrating gaps at Penn State, he could have kept his pedophilia party going for at least another camping season or two.

The Boy Scouts of America is the most recent organization whose tendency of keepin' kiddie fiddlin' quiet amongst their ranks has finally been exposed. 

Like the Catholic Church and Penn State before it, the BSA is a respected organization that some deviant predators have used to masquerade as honorable members of society. It is also a group that decided instead of bravely decimating a dilemma head on, they’d rather get pounded by the problem in the end.

Ironic for such a gallant group that proudly excludes homosexuals.

[Join the conversation about ... Abuse Cover-Up.]

noun.     one of the highest honors given out by the BSA on the council level.

Silver Beaver recipient Arthur W. Humphries was a 50-year Scouting veteran who was convicted of abusing 20 Boy Scouts, some as young as 8. He was sentenced to 151 years in prison. When the charges were just allegations, he continued getting recommendations from the BSA.

In 1972, the Boy Scouts replaced required merit badges in camping, cooking, nature, swimming, and lifesaving with learning about drug abuse, family finances, child care and community problems.

Famous Eagle Scouts

To some, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches are a lunch time staple. To a grade school principal in Oregon, a PB&J is racially and culturally offensive.   

We know what you’re thinking, “Holy sh*t balls!” This wacky broad has such a poor read on sandwiches she must have had to de-humidify her Hanes before she enjoyed her first six-inch Polish.

The Principal’s argument is this: What if a Somali student at her school doesn’t like sandwiches? Doesn’t offering a PB&J to that student subconsciously invoke “white privilege"? We say anything has got to be better than flies on porridge.   

Ms. Gutierrez’s argument seems to suggest if a white kid from the U.S. went to a school in Serbia and was served goulash, he should instead ask for a sandwich. That is not racist, it’s rude.

[Join the conversation about ... Race Card in the Cafe.]

Ironically, bad sex is better than most of Billy’s songs.

noun.     the fear of getting peanut butter stuck to the roof of your mouth.

Per food historians, there is no record of PB&J sandwiches prior to the 1940s. Peanut butter replaced meat in WWII rations. It is believed the GIs mixed the jelly in the rations with the peanut butter to make it easier to swallow faster. After the war, PB&J sandwiches became popular in the U.S.

More than Just a Sandwich

There are some things that are to meant to be shared; a case of beer, a ride to Bonnaroo, the size of Kim’s nipples in accounting.

But classified details of how Osama bin Laden was taken out? Dicey. Especially if they are told by a Navy SEAL who signed various non-disclosure agreements regarding all tactical operations and never cleared the book with the Pentagon.

Is Mark Owen’s (pseudonym) No Easy Day a surefire best-seller told by a true patriot? Or a serious breach of trust amongst the military elite? Up to you.

We can’t wait to read it.

[Join the conversation about ... No Easy Day.]

verb.     to deny, dispute or contradict.

Used in a sentence: The U.S. Government and military personal gainsay the official existence of SEAL Team 6.

"The members of Team 6 are all "black" operatives. They exist outside military protocol, engage in operations that are at the highest level of classification and often outside the boundaries of international law. To maintain plausible deniability in case they are caught, records of black operations are rarely, if ever, kept."

Until now.

Sea, Air, Land (Baddest of the Bad)

With the Millennium Falcon coming in at close second, no plastic was better used for a kid’s toy or game than Wiffle ball.

When we were kids, our buddy had a square front yard that made the perfect infield. We used old carpet samples for bases, and a box on top of a milk crate served as the strike zone. Throwing the ball at the runner for an out was permitted and props were given for impersonating batting stances of our favorite players, including adjusting our plastic old MLB batting helmets like them. We’d play double headers, sometimes triple until supper time was called. It was a magical game and one of our top ten memories of being a kid. We loved it. Still do.

[What do you think about ... Wiffle ball?]

That’s right, Kev-O. Especially if you are facing this kid.

noun.      1. drunken college innovation at its finest.   2. saw the tip off of a Wiffle ball bat, fill it with beer, then chug. Do forehead bat spins for the same amount of time it took to chug the beer. Once finished, heads up as someone pitches you the can.

Beer: It’s good with everything.

The diagrams on the Wiffle ball box are backwards. Mullany, a southpaw, showed a graphic artist how he gripped the ball to throw a slider and a curve, but the artist drew the ball in a right hand and not a left. The diagrams have never been changed, as the company only got two letters about it.

Wow! Good thing these guys didn’t manufacture anal suppositories.

Houses of the Hole-ee