As the nation precariously approaches economic collapse, we here at TTP rest easy upon our towering stockpile of highly liquid and highly valuable Beanie Babies. Of course, we’ll need something to park in front of the mansion, so we’ll probably cash in a few of our Hummels too.

Saving, investing, preparing for the future… not things some Americans are particularly good at. Oh sure, we dabbled in equities for a while, but the result ended up being more disappointing than the tryst we had with a blow up doll freshman year in high school.

What to do? Buy gold, baby! Gold prices have skyrocketed the past decade as other investments, like real estate, have taken a nose dive. Precious Moments? Nope, precious metals.

[Join the conversation about ... Gold.]

Word up, Rich! “Ain’t no party like a Sir Richard party, cause a Sir Richard party don’t stop.”

noun.     a unit of measure for precious metals dating back to the Roman Empire; the troy ounce is still used today and is heavier than the regular ounce.  

Used in a sentence: It is important when trading precious metals that you know the difference between the troy ounce and the imperial ounce.

FDR took the U.S. off the gold standard in 1933. All gold coins and gold certificates held by the public were ordered to be cashed in to the Federal Reserve at a set price of $20.67 an ounce.

In 1934, the government increased the price of gold to $35 per ounce, increasing the Federal Reserve’s holdings by 69%. Apparently James Bond wasn’t the only one that got Goldfingered?

Au, Get a Load of This

There are some decent action movies being made these days. Sadly, too many rely on over the top stunts and CGI more than T-Pain does on lame lyrics and auto-tune.

Sure the razzle dazzle computer wizardry is exciting at first, but without a story or fascinating characters, who gives a popcorn combo number two about special effects? You hear that, Statham and Cruise?

God bless DVD players and the Spaghetti Western. Morality tales set in a lawless land, etched in gunpowder and written in blood. Misdeeds, say hello to frontier justice. Couch, say hello to ass. Dim the lights and hit play.

[Join the conversation about ... Spaghetti Westerns.]

noun.     1. a thin, long, round noodle horribly overcooked at places like Fazoli’s and The Olive Garden.     2. a western film shot on the cheap in Spain in the 1960s-70s, mastered by Sergio Leone.

Made famous by three of director Sergio Leone’s spaghetti westerns, Eastwood went on to direct himself in similar type of film called High Plains Drifter (1973). Shortly after the movie, Eastwood wrote a letter to John Wayne suggesting they do a western together. Wayne refused. What a dick!

Why Spaghetti Westerns Rule

Marriage and divorce are like bad bridesmaids dresses at weddings or chin dongs on honeymoons…it happens.

The reasons for divorce are innumerable. They can be outrageous, heartbreaking and sometimes absolutely necessary.

Divorce, like war, has its casualties and its profiteers. There are two sides with varying allegations and justifications. Is divorce right? Not if the marriage was wrong, and only two people know that answer for sure.

[Join the conversation about ... Good Lovin' Gone Bad.]

Aww Mick, you old fashioned bastard, you no longer have to marry ‘em to sleep with ‘em.

noun.     slang for ex-husband.

Used in a sentence: Willa saw Wendy with Wanda’s wasband, Will, at the Was (Not Was) concert Wednesday in Wilmington.

After finding old love letters, a 99-year-old Italian man is divorcing his 96-year-old wife of 77 years for an affair she had 60 years ago. No word if he knew earlier and was just waiting for his kids to die.

Didjuno?

Judging a person by their clothing is small-minded and unfair. It’s also a surefire way to tell if they are a complete ass bag or not. Some, however (mostly ass bags), don’t see it that way.

Take these outdoor pajama wearing peeps, or Lisa Woodman, a 28-year-old Brit with four kids and no clue. Woodman has been barred entry from nightclubs in England due to the 1970s Times Square hooker look that she favors.

Are we saying there should be a law? Nope. Wear whatever you want, but if you’re seeking attention you may want to take care that it is positive, not negative. Now where did we put our Zubaz pants?

[Join the conversation about ... Bad Duds.]

Udderly brilliant point, Bob.

noun.     insanity featuring cheerful delusions.  

Used in a sentence: Myrtle’s habromania still led her to believe she had what it takes.

The tube top was invented by a WWII veteran named Murray Kleid. The top was actually a mistake, but samples were shipped to stores and the garment became a hit. Like a gun, the tube top can be horribly misused, but in the right hands it is incredibly effective.

Slutty Fashion Translations

Hope that candy bar you just inhaled was worth it. You know, on account of you supporting child slavery and all.

That’s right, it’s not just diamonds with blood on them, but chocolate too. We know what you’re thinking… who knew Africa was such a f*cked up place?  

Up to 75% of all the world’s cocoa beans come from West Africa. It is believed that up to 100,000 children work in the fields there, many forced against their will. What to do? We say buy slave-free chocolate. And we’re going to, as soon as we polish off this two pound bag of peanut M&M’s.

[Join the conversation about ... Cocoa Slaves.]

noun.     the highest quality cocoa bean. Rare and more difficult to grow, the bean also has a lower yield per tree. The bean has a subtle aroma and a complex flavor.

Used in a sentence: Asked if he would show them his criollo beans, Boudreaux unzipped his pants and hung some brain.

In 2001, U.S. lawmakers signed the Harkin-Engel Protocol, a.k.a. Cocoa Protocol. The law was created to put a stop to child labor in the cocoa industry. Sadly, the legislation has done little to thwart the practice.

Chocolate’s Powerful Ingredients

When it comes to taking a whiz on someone, proper decorum dictates that you not only confirm the person is alive, but also get their blessing first.

Last week’s video of four U.S. Marines urinating on three dead Taliban soldiers was dishonorable, disgusting and deplorable. However, some pundits in the media acted as though these men had flown the very jets that took down the Twin Towers on 9/11.

These Marines should certainly be punished. Their moronic actions hurt peace talks, threaten the safety of other soldiers and further provoke terrorists. But is it just us, or does it seem like some of today’s war coverage is more compassionate towards the enemy than merciful towards our own troops?

[Join the conversation about ... Poor Soldiering.]

noun.     a lack of agreement or consistency.

Used in a sentence: While both actions are wrong, there seems to be a moral dissonance between putting a bullet into a living man’s heart and putting urine on a dead man’s skin.

More U.S. soldiers killed themselves than died in combat in 2010.

A first in the history of any American war.

Lowered Standards = Poorer Performance?

What’s worse than dying young? Living too long. Sitting in a nursing home sucking dinner through a straw is no one’s idea of a good time, but imagine being abused, neglected and/or stolen from while there.

The nation’s elderly population is growing faster than gramp’s ear hair, and so too are incidences of senior citizen abuse. Worse yet, it’s not a roving gang of rascal scooter-riding octogenarians doling out the pain, but rather the relatives and caregivers stuck changing diapers and tuning the TV to Matlock.

What to do, you ask? We say smoke em if ya got em.

[Join the conversation about ... Elderly Abuse.]

noun.     healthcare term used primarily for the elderly and disabled. ADLs are basic daily tasks like grooming, dressing, going to the bathroom and eating. 

Used in a sentence: Todd waited for his mother to lose her ADLs before he called his sister and told her it was her turn to take care of her.

Family caregivers, particularly women, provide over 75% of caregiving support in the United States. While men also provide caregiving, women spend 50% more time doing so.

Old School(ed)

The next time you’re thinking about donating to a foreign charity, please consider the ball-less fishermen in Papua New Guinea.

Jeremy Wade, the host of TV’s River Monsters, recently wrangled a tooth-filled, testicle tearing, 40 pound Red-Bellied Pacu fish dubbed the “the ball cutter” by the tropical country’s indigenous anglers. 

Damn, and we thought the scariest aquatic monsters were the crabs in Madonna’s hot tub.

[Join the conversation about ... Perverted Pacu.]

noun.     a medical instrument used to determine the size of the human testicles.

Used in a sentence: Forgetting it was his anniversary, Ted, an endocrinologist, passed his orchidometer off to his wife as an exotic necklace.

In the 1990s as a part of FISHAID, 14,000 Pacu fish from Indonesia were released into lakes and rivers in Papua New Guinea as a food source.

“Sure they’ll eat your balls off if given the chance, but you wait until you cook 'em up.”

Why So Teste?

Cheating is wrong, but admit it… without it we’d be nowhere. There’d be no United States, no Wall Street, no sports — hell, even Arnie Schwarzenegger would be short a kid or two.  

The practice of cheating is horrifically prolific and vast. Not only do some students cheat to get into good schools, some teachers help their own students cheat to keep their flippin’ jobs. It’s disgusting, unacceptable and immoral.

We’re not saying all of that because we’re saints, but rather bitter. Had it not been for Frieda Barnes' floppy triceps blocking her paper in Trig and Physics, we probably could have gotten into MIT.

[Join the conversation about ... Cheating.]

Known as Play to the ladies, he was also voted worst cashier by his classmates at the school’s lemonade stand.

noun.     the quality of having strong moral principles; honesty and decency.

Used in a sentence: The probability of Priscilla’s probity peaked when she was caught pumping the lead from her prize student’s pencil.

Pulitzer Prize Winner Alex Haley paid author Harold Courlander $650,000, apologized, and also acknowledged plagiarizing part of Courlander’s book, The African, for his own novel, Roots.

Not Just in the Classroom

It’s a brand new year, folks! If our resolutions remain intact, by June we’ll be thinner, healthier and (according to the ad) longer and thicker.

What are your personal goals? Gain a deeper sense of spirituality, swear less, read more? Maybe you’d like to be nicer, work harder and stop being an insufferable, politically correct douchebag? (Wait, not our readers.)

No matter your goals, resolutions or pursuits for 2012, remember this… if you really want to do it — really, truly and sincerely want to do it — you CAN do it. Provided, of course, that the Mayans are wrong.

[Join the conversation about ... 2012.]

Please disregard the above quote if you are on death row, live in China or are Ozzy Osbourne.

verb.     to relinquish, give up, reject, renounce.

Used in a sentence: A long time smoker, Coffy McHacklin decided to abnegate tobacco in 2012.

January was established as the first month of the year by the Roman calendar. The month is named after the mythical god Janus, a two-faced figure who can look forward to the new year and backwards to the old.  

Hooray, it’s your first who gives a sh*t fact of the year.

TTP's 2012 Predictions

Christmas trees are a lot like one night stands: Picked up with eager anticipation, whisked home to be admired and enjoyed, and then hastily tossed out the door once they have been used. All that is left are a few warm memories and a sticky discharge all over your hands and clothing.

Sounds callous and wasteful until you realize that live Christmas trees are recyclable and biodegradable, whereas artificial ones made in China are loaded with metal toxins and anti-American sentiment. We say go live, buy American!

[Join the conversation about ... Real Trees.]

adj.     1. absurd, ridiculous.     2. this guy (spelled Ludacris).

Used in a sentence: Calling a Christmas tree a "holiday tree" is as ludicrous as calling a Hanukkah menorah a "holiday candle holder."

Christmas trees reduce dust and pollen in the air, provide a habitat for wildlife, and one acre of them produces the daily oxygen requirements for 18 people.

“She’s a beaut, hand me that band saw!”

Timeline of a Tree

What’s the best way to make a mink smell like a skunk? If you’re Stephanie Moreland, you shove it into your underpants.

When cops first strip searched the porcine pilferer, they assumed Steph’s hoo-ha was horrificaly hirsute. Little did they know the $6,500 purloined pelt was being presented as her thrust-thirsting thicket.

Finally, after three days in jail, Moreland handed the defiled dud over to police, who no doubt begged her to keep it. How does this all shake out? Stephanie gets two years in prison, and some poor gal dating a cheap bastard will end up with a stinky mink from a discount rack at an outlet mall.

[Join the conversation about ... Shoplifting Snafu.]

noun.     1. term within the retail industry for shoplifting.     2. see: George Costanza.

There is no profile of a typical shoplifter. Men and women reportedly shoplift at equal percentages. Most shoplift not out of financial necessity or need, but rather for the “high.” Hear that, kids? The next time your folks catch you with some grass, just say, “You’d rather I shoplift?”

Most Shoplifted Items

We’ve all been there: Roaring fire, threadbare dame beneath a bearskin rug, the soft sounds of Monday Night Football wafting through the surround sound, then just before she gets the tip…

An ear wax blasting, impotence inducing, titanic blast of advertising nearly loosens both of your bowels while informing you, “It’s not delivery, it’s DiGiornio!”

Finally, after years of sonic assault, the FCC is forcing advertisers to tone it down and maintain a consistent volume as the program being viewed. Hooray, now if only this were the seventies.

[Join the conversation about ... Commercial Volume.]

noun.     a harsh discordant mixture of sounds.  

See: Lou Reed and Metallica’s Lulu.

The peak sound levels of commercials are no higher than the peak sound levels of television shows. The difference is that the sound levels on television shows dip and rise depending on the dramatic action on the screen, while commercials are broadcast at the maximum sound level permitted throughout the entire ad.

Print Ads, Silent But Genius? 

It would be preposterous, even blasphemous to say that God has any kind of interest in the NFL, but there is no doubt that Jesus has more than a couple of Tim Tebow posters in his room. 

In another OMG finish yesterday Tebow led his Broncos to a 13-10 overtime win over the Chicago Bears after trailing 10-0 with 2:08 left in the 4th quarter. Amazing? Let’s just say the swear jars in Chicago sports bars could take a chunk out of the national debt.  

Yes, the Broncos' success is more than just Tebow, it is also the defense, kicking, offensive line, etc… but say what you will about the kid, he is bona fide winner. 

[Join the conversation about ... Tebow.]

verb.     to criticize severely.

See: Merril Hoge and his horrifyingly humongous tie knot.

Tebow pulled himself off the list of Playboy magazine’s 2008 Pre-Season All-American list due to his Christian faith. Okay,  this clearly pushes him into Jesus freak status. We’d be laying on an inflatable raft in Hugh's pool with a Mai Tai in one hand and a hand full of ass in the other.

Tail of the Tape

If you listen closely you can hear Burl Ives blowing mud in his casket.

Yes, some pussified psychologist is desecrating the 1964 holiday classic, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer television special, by saying it promotes bullying. We say recockulous! Yes bullying is wrong, and sure Santa was kind of a dick in this particular holiday special, but let’s not get too carried away.

If we learned anything from Rudolph, it’s that freaks of nature should be shunned unless they can really bring something significant to the table… like, say, saving Christmas.

[Join the conversation about ... Reindeer Games.]

noun.     banter, jesting, joking, ribbing.

Used in a sentence: Calling Jolene “Crooked Tits” Lambramowitz was merely friendly raillery by some seventh grade boys hoping to someday suckle from her ample (albeit unsymmetrical) bosom.

While the Christmas special debuted in 1964 on television, the actual story of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer was created by Bob May, a copywriter in Chicago, in 1939 as a sales gimmick for Montgomery Ward.

Other Incendiary Interpretations

Whether or not you’re a hockey fan, you know the guy. He’s the towering ruffian whose battered mug is a patchwork of pride, punishment and professionalism. He’s the brute on blades there to protect the nimble netters with the hundred dollar haircuts and celebrity girlfriends.

He has about as much business with a hockey stick as Rosie O’Donnell does a condom, but his mangled fists make up for his lack of puck prowess. He’s known as the enforcer, the goon, or in this case "The Boogeyman," an NHL tough guy who died at the young age of 28 earlier this year.

If you read no other links we post in these stories, be sure to read these today. A breathtaking bit of journalism in the NY Times about Derek Boogaard, an unlikely broken bruiser who patrolled the ice with his gnarled hands and loved the game with all his heart.

[Join the conversation about ... Enforcers.]

noun.     a.k.a. CTE, dementia pugilistica — a degenerative brain disease caused by repeated head trauma i.e. concussions.

CTE cannot be diagnosed in living patients, but only when the brain is studied after death. Derek Boogaard had an advanced case of CTE, which would have led to severe middle-aged dementia.

In 2007, Derek Boogaard and his younger brother, Aaron, held a controversial one day “fight camp” for hockey players between the ages of 12-18 to learn how to properly scrap on the ice. The camp t-shirts featured fake splotches of blood on them.

The Code

Attention all gangsta bitches looking to pass a fake fitty in a Greenwich Village McDonald's: If you jump over the counter in a violent rage looking to assault the cashier who questions the authenticity of the bill, your ass will indeed get served.

Thirty-one-year-old Rayon McIntosh beat a lengthy prison sentence after a grand jury decided the bold burger flipper — with an eye for counterfeit currency and an aptitude for ass-whippin’ — acted in self-defense when he unleashed a McFlurry of fury on two psycho sistas with a metal rod.

While Mayor McCheese wasn’t available for comment, the two hospitalized hamburglars were no doubt salty and grimaced when they heard the news. We’re lovin’ it!

[Join the conversation about ... Burger Beatdown.]

adj.     strictly and uncompromisingly just.

Used in a sentence: Given their role and intent in the attack, a fractured skull and a broken arm are rhadamanthine punishments.

By the end of the Civil War, between one-third and one-half of all U.S. paper currency in circulation was counterfeit. Sadly, Rayon wasn't around to carefully eyeball each bill.

Fast Food Fiends

Welcome, friends, to Gulnare Freewill Baptist Church, a place of love, compassion and… holy sh*t, who let the interracial couple in? Uh, heh, heh, no big deal folks, no big deal, just seems a might unnatural is all. But hey, all are welcome here, even you two, sorta. Just promise us you won’t participate in the service or try to become members.

And so it sadly goes in Pike County, KY for a small group of redneck congregants who don’t mind a little bible learnin’ so as long as it doesn’t get in the way of their bigotry. Heaven help us.

[Join the conversation about ... Prejudice in the Pews.]

noun.     1. slang term for the sexual attraction between a white and black person.     2. hit song by Stevie Wonder.     3. having a body temperature above 98.6 while in a tangled tropical thicket.

Used in a sentence: Gulnare Freewill Baptist Church not only looks down on jungle fever, they won’t even bury miners who died of black lung.

After marrying in Washington, DC in 1958, Richard Loving — who was white — and his wife, Mildred — who was black — were arrested at their home, jailed, then banished from the state of Virginia for 25 years because of their interracial union.

In 1967 the Supreme Court overturned their conviction and ended anti-miscegenation laws in more than a dozen other states.

One Love

If a third grader weighed over 200 pounds when we were kids, we just made fun of the poor bastard until he beat the sh*t out of us, shot up the cafeteria or slowly came to the realization that pudding wasn’t a beverage.

Nowadays, the state of Ohio steps in, pulls the kid off the pork rind-pumping teat of his mom and sticks him in foster care. Crazy? Justified? Outrageous? We say give the kid a helmet and teach him how to snap a football.

Before you go crying for this kid and his momma, show a little sympathy toward the foster family who, during the cash-crunched holiday season, now have a grocery gobbling behemoth under their roof.

[Join the conversation about ... Fatties.]

Translated into our modern day lexicon, “Better ingredients, better pizza, Papa John's!”

adj.     of, like, or pertaining to fat or fats in general.

Used in a sentence: One might say Carl’s deli preferences were quite aliphatic given his proclivity for mortadella.

National rates of childhood obesity have more than tripled in 30 years.

Beat it, lacrosse, say hello to the future trendy high school sport… sumo wrestling.

TTP's Guide to Losing Weight

It’s a ferocious, full-tilt sport played by steel nerved gladiators. The athleticism is breathtaking and the hits are bone-crunchingly brutal. But what makes the game so engaging is that it is “normally” played by professional combatants with a mutual respect for one another and the game.

That is unless you are Nda-Shama-Lama-Ding-Dong Suh, a defensive tackle for the Detroit Lions and reigning NFL scumbag. Suh is to dirty play in the NFL as Elisabeth Hasselbeck is to self-righteous indignation on The View. That is to say that dude has a black belt in the dojo of distaste.

Suh’s Thanksgiving Day showcase of classlessness is expected to get him a two game suspension and a sizable fine. We should find out if the NFL makes it rain later today.

[Join the conversation about ... Suh.]

After pathetically denying the stomp, Suh issued a lame apology on his Facebook page a day later.

adj.     1. resisting authority or control.     2. not obedient or compliant.

In the true spirit of the word, we refuse to use it in a sentence today.

NFL fine money pays for programs for retired players and is also spread among other charitable causes. The money comes directly out of the fined player’s salary. Annual fines have been in the $3 million to $4 million range over the past few seasons.

NFL Hall of Shame

Thanksgiving is tomorrow, and that means three things: Eating well, drinking thirstily and finally getting to screw in the ole turkey suit again. That may sound a little silly until you’ve seen the Indians and pilgrims we have coming over to enjoy our horn o’ plenty.

While we’re fantasizing, how about a full-on feast with all the trimmings, where the ladies cook and do all the cleaning while we get comfortable on the couch with a cold beer and settle in for the games? Oh wait, that IS going to happen. God bless America! Life is good indeed.

[Join the conversation about ... Thanksgiving.]

adj.     obligated, indebted, grateful.

Used incorrectly in a sentence: Smelling marijuana in the club, LaDarius asked Marquis who beholden?

In 1863, U.S. President Abraham Lincoln declared Thanksgiving Day a national holiday. In 1941, President Franklin Roosevelt established the holiday to be the fourth Thursday of November. A short time later, the phrase “F*ck, I have to work Friday” would be echoed throughout the country.

TTP Thanksgiving Traditions

To experience a shot of Malört for the first time is to recall fielding a pop fly with your balls… the pain lingers long after the actual event while every onlooker is doubled over with laughter.

Conceived originally in Sweden, this wormwood-flavored schnapps combines the flavor profiles of post-nasal drip and stomach-pumped booze strained through a homeless person’s underwear. Actually, it’s nowhere near that pleasant.  

Inexplicably popular in Chicago — where it was originally distilled — this pestilent potation is gleefully suggested to shot seekers by sadistic bartenders. If someone ever slides a shot of Malört in front of you, don’t be a puss, shove everyone out of your way and flee the building at once.

[Join the conversation about ... Malört.]

Finally, some truth in advertising.

noun.     French — an assumed name, pseudonym.

Used in a sentence: “Northern Discomfort” has become the favored nom de guerre of Malört in Chicago bars.

While wormwood is also used in the production of Absinthe, Malort will not make you hallucinate, rather just fill you with regret.

Malört: A Dossier of Disgust

If you’ve ever doubted the adage "do what you love and success will follow," look no further than patriot, visionary and tit man Russ Meyer (1922-2004).

Virtually ignored by Hollywood after returning home from WWII, Meyer, a former combat photographer and dairy can devotee, decided to write and direct his own movies.  

Campy, kooky and thinly plotted, Meyer ensured his films would garner attention by casting only the most pulchritudinous and “improbably pontooned” performers. Soon his formula was a hit, and every cat with a fondness for flapdoodles was forking over their dough at the drive-in. Well played, sir, well played.

[Join the conversation about ... Russ Meyer.]

Wow, what a pig! An honest, sincere and straightforward pig.

adj.     1. full-bosomed.     2. having a full, shapely figure.  

Used in a sentence: When told that Zsa Zsa was zaftig, Zach knew he would have his hands full.

Meyer claimed he bumped into Ernest Hemingway in a brothel during WWII. Upon discovering Meyer was a virgin, Hemingway gave him first pick of the girls.

Wow! It doesn’t get any more selfless than that, folks.

An Ample Cast 

Discussing politics with good friends while drinking is like wearing a wool coat to the movies. In the beginning it seems like no big deal, but soon it gets uncomfortable and heated and you end up spending the rest of the evening profusely apologizing to your buddy’s wife for calling her a cupid stunt.

The upcoming presidential election in 2012 holds about as much promise as a Tony’s frozen pizza at a slumber party. Barack is a bust, and choosing a candidate from the current GOP field is like deciding which cast member of "The Jersey Shore" to award the Nobel Prize to.

Depressing? Indeed. Enough to make you want a stiff drink? You bet. Wanna enjoy that drink? Avoid a lengthy discourse on politics when you belly up to the bar.

[Join the conversation about ... Political Futility.]

We couldn’t find out which Edward Langley said this. Either he was the 1st Duke of York, an artist or a pool pump repairman from Tulsa.

adj.     of no real effect, pointless.  

Used incorrectly in a sentence by a candy bar aficionado: “I find the Three Musketeers to be far too nugatory.”

Woodrow Wilson became the first president to attend the World Series. The year was 1915 and it was the first public appearance of the President and his fiancé, Edith Gault. He insisted on paying for his own tickets. Yeah, we know, random. But save it, it may get you out of a jam someday. 

Our Dream Candidate

Far be it from us here at TTP to issue a controversial blanket statement like all adults who play video games are losers. Nope, that wouldn’t be fair. Instead we’ll put the number at a strong 90%.

Last week, some 31-year-old ass hammer threatened to shoot employees and blow up a Best Buy after they botched his pre-order pick up of the video game Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3 – Hardened Edition. That’s right, homeboy threatened to kill real people because he was denied the pleasure of killing fake people.

Should this unhinged clown be institutionalized? Who knows? We’re guessing the last time he had any contact with female genitalia was the day he was born.

[Join the conversation about ... Gaming Gone Wild.]

Sadly, Ron, those future flyboys are currently wiping the Funyon grease off their game controllers in their parents' basements.

noun.     a video game in which the player is able to ignore the main objectives so as to explore the game's environment.

Incorrectly used in a sentence: After sitting on the nude beach for a few hours, Delores asked Rod if he would like to play in her sandbox.

The Call of Duty game series has sold more than 100 million copies since it rolled out in 2003. Michael Jackson’s album Thriller has sold approximately 110 million copies since 1982.

Again… To Do List: Learn how to make video games.

Game Not Over

Without question there are numerous characteristics required to endure the occasional agony associated with the human condition. Perhaps three of the most critical are courage, perseverance and a good sense of humor.  

Until recently we only knew comedian Darrell Hammond as Saturday Night Live’s hysterical and prolific impressionist. After reading his book, God, If You’re Not Up There, I’m F*cked, he is nothing short of a miraculous survivor.  

Driven to drugs, drinking and cutting himself to cope with a vicious and loveless mother, Hammond rode out time in psych wards and rehab to find himself kicking ass on television’s most famous stage… live. If the man had an action figure, we’d put him right next to Rambo.

[Join the conversation about ... Darrell Hammond.]

adj.     producing laughter.

Used in a sentence: Few things are more consistently gelogenic than Darrell Hammond on SNL… okay farts in church are up there too.

At one point Hammond was on seven different medications prescribed by his doctors and psychiatrists. Before nearly every episode of SNL, Hammond took medications he called “soul killing drugs,” which he says were used to stabilize trauma patients and allow him to go out onstage and perform.

By His Own Mother’s Hands

What have we learned from Penn State Football over the years? Age doesn’t hinder one’s ability to helm a winning football team, some of the best uniforms in sports are the simplest, and if you see an assistant coach railing a ten-year-old boy in the showers, do not to sweep it under a rug.

The news, allegations and reports regarding the former Penn State assistant football coach, Jerry Sandusky, are as devastating to the hearts of Nittany Lions fans and alumni as Bernie Madoff’s balance sheet was to bilked investors.  

This isn’t about football tradition, academic standards or NCAA compliance. It’s about a revered university discovering the sexual predatory nature of a three decade long employee, then covering it up. Fumble? Hardly. Sick? Indeed.

[Join the conversation about ... Sandusky.]

adj.     inappropriate, improper, unseemly.  

Used in a sentence: After all that Joe Paterno has done for Penn State Football, it is heartbreaking he will be exiting the post under such indecorous circumstances.

The biography Touched: The Jerry Sandusky Story was published in 2000. It was written by Sandusky and a former Penn State equipment manager and journalism major who Sandusky tapped to assist with the project. The co-writer, Kip Richeal, is still holding out hope the allegations are untrue.

The Marks of a Possible Molester

We recognize four food groups at TTP HQ: Steak, sushi, potatoes and corn syrup laden confections.

However, when it comes to candy, not just any will do. In fact, we’re snobs. Only Jelly Bellys populate the office candy jar (formerly the swear jar, but we started running out of bread for afternoon beer runs).

Smaller, cooler, more colorful and offered in a myriad of flavors, Jelly Bellys are like a souped-up Mini compared to the regular jelly bean's Plymouth Reliant K. Jelly Bellys are also fat free and are a dynamite sexual lubricant. Wait, that’s KY.

[Join the conversation about ... Jelly Belly.]

David Klein has been extirpated from the company’s history on their website. His story is told in a critically acclaimed, must-see documentary.

noun.     irregular Jelly Bellys that are stuck together, misshapen or have some other aesthetic defect.

Belly flops are saved and sold at the Jelly Belly outlet store and online.

In 1967 Ronald Reagan began eating jelly beans to help him kick his pipe smoking habit. Jelly created the blueberry flavor so red, white and blue Jelly Bellys could be handed out during Reagan’s 1981 Presidential Inauguration. Over three tons were consumed.

Past and Present Flavors

For most men, they’re an afterthought, something hastily tossed on the floor or out the window of a fast moving Greyhound before the joy of juggling commences.

For women, they’re something that not only supports them, but can literally shape who they are. Rumored to have been created 100 years ago by legendary breast man Otto Titsling, the brassiere has taken on more iterations than any other garment.

Recently a high-tech over the shoulder boulder holder has been created by two motorbike and high-speed train designers. Supposedly it's the best bra ever. We’re hoping that means it unhooks just by winking at it.

[Join the conversation about ... Bra Betterment.]

noun.     bra in which the back straps criss-cross between the shoulder blades providing ultra support, a.k.a. jog bra, flopper stopper, or in German keepsemfromfloppin’.

This bra is far different than the “pointer sisters” style.

Professional fitters suggest that when a woman slips into a bra she should bend over and situate her breasts in the cups. Common sense dictates when a man helps a woman out of her bra he avoid screaming, "Bada Bing!" or "Shazaam!" 

For the Ladies (TTP Bra Tips)

Kim Kardashian is like a sled dog’s healthy dump on a Koyukuk sidewalk: steaming hot, yet repulsive.

As anyone in our solar system now knows, the unskilled siren and her silicone-stuffed pooper are divorcing her NBA hooping husband after 72 days of media coverage and stupefying fascination. Are we shocked or surprised that Kim’s marriage was nothing more than an avaricious publicity stunt? Nope.

Fellow reality TV star and hair metal sage, Brett Michaels once sang “Every Rose Has Its Thorn.” Fortunately, Kim and Kris Humphries leave unscathed as their marriage was as legit as NBA tickets in November.

[Join the conversation about ... Kim calls it quits.]

noun.     a person who pretends or claims to have more knowledge or skill than he or she possesses.

Used in a sentence: Some may accuse Kim of being a charlatan when it comes to her acting chops, however she does have a terrific sense of humor.

Kim Kardashian was nominated for a 2009 Razzie Award for Worst Supporting Actress in the 2008 film Disaster Movie.

Meet the Kardashians