The Top 11

Weinergate: A Tragedy

2011-06-08T22:01:00.005-04:00

This news story about the Congressman texting pictures of himself has a little bit of salaciousness to offer everyone. Right off the bat, you have the beltway bloggers in a tizzy. Any story where political and scandal can be used together in a sentence gets their saliva glands going. You have the general population fed with a two course meal: sexual deviancy, and watching someone in power fall from grace. This country runs on overpriced foreign oil and tearful, contrived press conferences it seems. The right wing gets to shake tambourines and clash cymbals over a Democrat being the perp. TMZ and their ilk get to fight over scraps from the major networks' table, usually in the form of unofficial pictures of someone's privates.

But didn't this one just feel like a tipping point? Sure, it still hit the 24-hour rinse and repeat on CNN and Foxnews, but no one was shocked. No one was really hurt or even blindsided. If the Clinton and Lewinsky scandal was like a perfectly prepared fillet mignon, this story felt like two-days-old hamburger helper in Tupperware. The ins and outs weren't even that compelling. Congressional rep. Woman he wasn't married to. Picture of his junk. Twitter. Hamburger helper in the microwave on high for 1:00 minute. Stir and eat with a glazed look on your face.

Anyone following the pathetic trickle of details about cell phone pics and sex parts needs to get a life, we know that. For crying out loud people, every second you spend perusing the latest wire report about did he or didn't he is time you could spend reading Thoreau or learning to play piano! America needs to snap out of their endless cable news mindset. A rolling ticker, two panelists, and some unconfirmed reports do not a worthwhile story make.

There is only one story here. It's the only dramatic element being left out of the media conversation. We have our comedy for sure. The wiener jokes alone have kept everyone light on their feet this week. We have a twisted form of love in this "i want my mistress so bad I have to text her pictures of my two main constituents" passion. Copious amounts of schadenfreude pepper the entire story. We have feigned importance over whether or not he used a government computer or cell phone. Yet one piece of theater is missing. It doesn't play well on Fox News or CNN. Some of the smarter commentators will give it to you, but at the risk of failing to provide hamburger helper to a hungry mass. It's tragedy. It's despair. It's the lone cry of someone who finally has had enough. It's "am I the only one who thinks this is completely worthless?"

Even the presentation is a joke. Weinergate? When will we stop attaching -gate to scandals? People, Watergate was in the 70's. No, that's not a cool retro throwback. It's time for Weiner-contra affair. Bay of Weiners. Savings and Weiner crisis. Anything else. The same fake press conference with the same idiotic reporters asking idiotic questions? Why do we even participate? You want a question to ask this guy, here goes: "Sir, do you think there is any possibility on Earth that Benjamin Franklin would have done this? What about James Madison? Sir, aren't you a complete travesty as an elected representative? Do you see what I am saying, Sir? Isn't your mere existence in front of a camera a complete mockery of our nation's government? Sure, that's harsh. But isn't it true, Sir?"

America, this is a tragedy. The story itself is completely irrelevant and us making it relevant is tragic. We have our brothers and sisters struggling in this economy, or from tornados, or floods. We have seen so many of these scandals we don't even blink any more. Larry Craig, Eliot Spitzer, Bill Clinton, on and on and on. We continue to place these buffoons in office, and feign shock when they are found guilty of conduct normally found in a high school locker room.

There are 535 members of the United States Congress. Picked from a population of 300 million. How are there so many of these? This isn't the usual "vote the bums out" speech. Seriously, how is such a selective and elite group allowed such a high failure rate? Why can't we find anyone who can remain above elementary school detention in order to help govern our nation?

Feast yourself on the comedy of it all. The salacious details. Check for TMZ updates on Twitter if you must. Enjoy watching a celebrity fall. But if you find yourself with a minute to spare, shed a tear for the tragedy of this story and what it means for America. Because it happens again and again and each time we seem less surprised and more entertained.

LEAKED: Top 11 musings on WikiLeaks

2010-12-18T22:32:00.004-05:00

What follows is a TOP SECRET document The Top 11 has recovered from the offices of The Top 11. The source of this leaked information shall remain protected and anonymous. Although one could feasibly see how obtaining this information was possible, considering that The Top 11 works at The Top 11 office. You know, has the key...own parking spot...place in the break room fridge where it puts leftovers and a Diet Coke:

The Top 11 is usually known for staunch opinions and stances on the issues of the day. Readers may not see the actual legwork of deciding where to stand on a particular story (usually this involves a 12 pack of Busch Light and flipping a coin), but rest assured the opinions in this corner of the web are often reached after deep soul searching, extensive research or at least Googling a couple definitions of words before writing a post.

But this whole Wikileaks business is quite a different animal. This issue is not only a continuing story, but it also touches more and more people, businesses, or governments with each passing day. The group's patriarch, Julian Assange, has enough controversy in his hairstyle alone to make people form judgments and opinions. Overall, the complexity and changing impact truly has placed The Top 11 firmly on the fence on this one. Naturally, should Wikileaks engage in something truly evil, it will be condemned. Also naturally, should Wikileaks threaten to publish embarrassing information about The Top 11, oh I don't know, maybe something about a particular Miley Cyrus CD with extensive wear marks found in a dumpster near our complex, then we shall sing the praises of these truth-finding freedom fighters!

It's hard to side against any organization willing to stand up to the United States government with the same bravado of Wikileaks. But unfortunately for Wikileaks, their first body blows against the fed came in the form of a bunch of international and often military communications. Most people are quick to join when you are uncovering dirt about the Congress or some sort of pay for vote scandal. But start releasing a bunch of military memos and people tend to react differently. Usually, this reservation results from the canned response from the Pentagon about anything fishy threatening "our national security", whether it be a leaked memo or a water balloon. In essence, leaking military info often falls into, "hey weird Euro dude, whose side are you on, man?" territory. On the contrary, we love when a leak will result in a disgraced New England Senator who can fill tabloid and blog pages.

Now Wikileaks seems to be going toe to toe with Bank of America. Again, most Americans are pretty disillusioned with Wall Street after bailouts and financial scandals. So you would think we are all drooling for a big, thunderous take down of BoA, right? Not so fast. If the financial meltdown taught us anything, it was that these failures came with a national ripple-effect price. It sounds complex and almost hypocritical, but Americans are more likely to hate BoA and still bank there, rather than root for their impending doom at the hands of Wikileaks. We have become rather accustomed to severely disliking things we also view as necessities, albeit annoying ones. Two perfect examples of this are huge banks and the federal government.

In this sense, Wikileaks may actually start challenging those age old notions about too much of a good thing. Surely there are some dastardly deeds here and there that need to be exposed, with the perpetrators punished accordingly. But Wikileaks' m.o. isn't exactly seeking out specific crimes, then looking for evidence of them. Rather, they are interested in mass quantities of information. Their objective seems to be becoming a database of secrets. The only problem with a mass consumption approach is that your appetite for whatever you eat gets larger and more difficult to satisfy. Case in point would be a BIGGIE drink at Wendy's now measuring 192 fluid ounces. So Wikileaks might be doomed to providing bigger and more salacious or newsworthy leaks in order to stay relevant themselves. Bigger leaks of this type tend to have unknown consequences, and may also cause a lot of really powerful people to stop sending you Valentine's cards, as the group is already finding out.

If you struggle with finding an opinion about Wikileaks, perhaps it would be easiest to break down what they do to the simplest form. We are often distracted by the media hype and hyperbole. The spin and speculation. Take Bernie Madoff. Remove all the backstories and guesstimates about millions or billions taken. Forget the Dateline special about someone who lost everything to ol Bernard. Break it all down to the simplest form, like chemistry. What was Bernie Madoff? A crook. How do you feel about it? Tiger Woods. Forget the wreck, the tabloids, the counts of women, the gossip. What did he do? He cheated on his wife. How do you feel about it?

So do the same for Wikileaks. Forget if the leak is about a bank, a government or a celebrity. Who cares what the leak is about. What is Wikileaks? A tattle tail. That kid in the back of the class who would rat you out in a heartbeat. Sometimes it was important that you learned you lesson and faced punishment. Sometimes it just threw you under the bus. But the scary thing about Wikileaks is that they, so much like that kid in class, release their info in the name of truth and justice, but they also bask in the warm glow of having their name in lights. Furthermore, just like the class narc, they don't like when their trademark action of leaking and transparency is done unto them. So, how do you feel about it?

Halloween Candy and Taxes

2010-11-03T21:47:00.006-04:00

It seems like every post on The Top 11 begins with a tearful apology about how long it has been since the last post. While that type of contriteness seems completely appropriate once again, The Top 11 also has an annual apology limit of three per year. Unfortunately, apologies have already been made twice for the long wait between posts, and there was also an incident involving a two thumbs up recommendation for My Generation on ABC. So, The Top 11 merely acknowledges it has been awhile.

What better way to fill that void than thrice daily spikes of your blood sugar? That's right, Halloween candy. Loot. Booty. The mother load. Acquired on a vigorous journey through the neighborhood that made you feel like a meter-reading Jehovah's witness delivering papers. But most of you didn't don the Superman cape this year. You never felt that searing laceration on your palm caused by the ever increasing weight of your swinging plastic bag of glucose. Because as a recent poll confirms, 82% of Top 11 readers have a Masters degree or higher. Meaning you're adults. And if you went trick-or-treating this year, it was probably with your kids.

Along with the yearly windfall of chocolate, we just completed a midterm election. So, let us try to mash these two events together for seemingly no purpose at all. How do we do that? Simple. Taxes. Before any of you Tea Partiers get too excited about election results, you must at least recognize the allure of the power that caused those politicians to stray. You see, when you took control of that pile of candy your child so carefully collected, sorted, admired and amassed, you went from a man to the man. You became the government. How many of you were complaining about taxes on election day with a mouthful of peanut M&M's? You didn't even see the irony?

Starting to see the picture? You aren't a monster for taking the kids' candy. You didn't steal it. But you did use your position of power to usurp what you thought was fair. Don't worry, Uncle Sam. You took the kid out, right? You provided the bag, pushed the baby in a stroller, checked over the candy. You paved the roads, provided for their general defense, regulated the commerce. Hell, you may have been so progressive as to take a higher percentage of candy from the older kids, you know, since they came home with more. Maybe you even took some from the haves and redistributed to the little ones. Maybe you just kept it for yourself. The Twix wrapper in the garbage is sort of like the flight log for your private congressional plane.

You shouldn't feel any more guilt than the real tax collectors do. Your kids didn't exactly give up all their income, anyway. They were munching on candy mid-walk like landscape workers getting paid in cash. Before the big April 15th on the living room floor, they probably stashed a little 401(k) in their pillow case. You are probably going to find some off shore candy accounts in their closet sometime in March. But kids gotta do what they gotta do. They have stomachs to feed, you know. All they wanna do is make an honest night's candy stash, have a little to stow away, and kiss their teddy bears goodnight.

None of it means you are evil, none of it means you don't care. But consider how you dealt with the situation when you were granted the power to collect on demand. How much did you leave to the people? How much did you keep to "ensure a better life" for them, free of belly aches? How much did you take under the guise of "it's too much" for one kid, and put in your own pocket? Pretty easy to get away with, isn't it?

2010-08-21T13:13:00.004-04:00

Coming Soon: Aliens!

So, according to these "scientists", an alien encounter is probable within the next 25 years. Ok, maybe not probable, but these are the type of people who at least thinks it's possible. Which is fine. There is nothing wrong with believing in aliens. (awkward silence) Seriously, anyone who knows a thing or two about how vast our universe really is could easily slip their foot into a warm tube sock of belief. It's understandable. You may not think a car could run on Aunt Jemima maple syrup and Pop Rocks, but ask the local mechanic his opinion, because he has seen it all.

Let it be said that this post is not about ridiculing these skyward-looking wack jobs. No one is here to rip on their non existent fashion sense, anti-social behavior, complete and utter nerdery. That is not what this post is about. No one should read this and expect jokes about their hats made of tin foil, checking their "radar screens" (made of cereal boxes and duct tape) for UFO's or watching their backs for black helicopters. We won't even mention their deep longings for Scully in nothing but a blazer and a badge.

No, the problem here is different. It is not only the presumption that an alien encounter will occur within a specified time frame, but also that this encounter could somehow be predicted, tracked, or at least quantified in terms of probability. So anyone checking their backyard at night for a fog-infused scene out of a Sci-Fi flick, get ready for a probe of reality. No, not that kind of probe. Well, maybe that kind of probe, really it all depends on what kind of mood we're in, you know sometimes after a couple glasses of wine and good conversation you just let your inhibitions go to wash away all the troubles of the previous week and you really don't even know them anyway so it makes it dangerous but in a sorta safe way and you realize if you didn't try new things every once in a while you would probably still be pretending to actually like Hootie and the Blowfish and wearing Earth tone shirts and...wait...No, not that kind of probe you sicko.

First, the presumption. If you haven't seen an alien encounter before, then guess what? You have no clue when you would see one. It doesn't matter if Einstein, Bill Nye and Buzz Aldrin all hashed it out over cigars and Brandy. They wouldn't figure it out. It is an unknown and unproven phenomena. Unknown meaning you do NOT know, nor can you sorta know or sorta predict it. So all the bull in the article about some sort of probability is irrelevant crap. If one super smart but weird scientist says "it could be 1 in 100,000" but another equally smart and equally weird scientist says "nah more like 1 in 200,000" and a third slightly less smart yet eminently more weird scientist says "no no it could be 1 in 5,000" then it could all be summed up by saying: no one has any freaking clue. The truth here is that there is a 1 in 1 chance all scientists of varying levels of intelligence and weirdness have a problem admitting they have no clue. In the absence of said clue, insecure people must fill the void with an arbitrary rating system that involves everyone getting to fill in their own answer.

Next, actually setting a time frame. Even more presumption. Let us analyze a few simple assumptions here. One, that the alien species must come to our planet, rather than vice versa. Next, that the alien species is notably more intelligent than us. Third, that it will happen soon. There's your problem. What are you basing the "soon" on? Our ability to spot them? This isn't some sort of complex Where's Waldo situation that we must figure out with satellites and telescopes. No, having an alien encounter would pretty much entail sitting on your ass in a field and hoping. Telescope optional. If it hasn't happened yet, then you have no clue when. And assigning a traditional benchmark time frame such as 25 years shows how naive you are.

Finally, one of the assumptions from the above paragraph must stop. This being that the alien species is always inexplicably smarter than us. Why would they be smarter? Maybe they are stupid. Maybe they are all sitting on their planet, watching America's Got Talent and wondering why we haven't showed up yet. Well, what we do know at least is that we have seen deep into space, we have sent someone to the moon. We have invented the microwave, the iPod, The Top 11 and hulu. Why doesn't that make us the smarter race?

What's more likely? In the next 25 years aliens show up just because we feel like it is going to happen? Or that in the next 25 years, we won't go find any other worlds because we are too busy looking at the sky and predicting something we don't know a damn thing about?

Back for the Future

2010-08-10T22:12:00.006-04:00

As faithful readers may have noticed (and rejoiced), The Top 11 had recently made a triumphant return. The colossal oil spill in the gulf proved to be simply too dramatic and momentous a story to ignore. But, as life will often do, curve balls were thrown in succession to The Top 11. So just as the finalists in America's Funniest Home Videos, our producers have chosen these excuses and here they are in random order: The Top 11 has recently changed occupational status. This included the dramatic change from night shift to non-zombie hours. Daylight, it turned out, was not as conducive to blogging as late nights and caffeine overloads. Second, it was summer time. Not only were the girls dressing less as the Fresh Prince once observantly pointed out, but leisure activities involving a body of water, fireworks, a lake, or ice cream often took higher billing over sitting at a QWERTY. Finally, and most important, The Top 11 research staff has officially grown by one. A brand new bundle of joy. The arrival of which placed The Top 11 within arm's reach of free coffee, a laptop, and occasional stretches of free time while the cry machine gets weighed and measured.

Hopefully the new life course plotted ahead involves adventure, intrigue, and a Fightin' Irish national championship. Not only these, but if the crazy thing we call life keeps the curves to a minimum, here's also to hoping for a steady continuation of The Top 11. So for now, a quick snapshot of a few past posts. A couple for fact checking, most because the links allow the reader to find more content with minimal effort on The Top 11's part. A quick look back before we embark on our future:

A while back, The Top 11 hammed it up about swine flu. Was it really an epidemic that would destroy us all? Hardly. CNN provided a bit of sweet vindication in this update. Sounds like most of us will live to tell our grand kids about the great flu outbreak of 2009, and a few individuals invested in Tamiflu probably made enough money to ride a jet ski made of money on a lake made of money. No hard feelings.

The Top 11 finally saw The Hangover. Yes, the movie was very very funny. Does this mean The Top 11 is eating some crow after this post? Eh, perhaps. But most of the commentary about hyperbole and exaggeration still stands. These two things are by far the absolute worstest things ever ever to happen to our society. Ever. Worst ever.

Has there ever been a more fortuitous event for a struggling company than the BP oil spill overshadowing Toyota's recall problems? The entire country was ripping Toyota apart for their executive-condoned death mobiles, and then BP decides to kill every living organism within 100 mile radius of New Orleans. Toyota must have felt like the nervous kid who didn't do the reading assignment last night, and just before they were called on to summarize it in front of the class, another student stabs the teacher with a ruler.

Tiger is still in the news, but not as much for this. More because he sucks at golf now.

You may have noticed they passed a law regarding the opt-in or opt-out nature of overdraft programs at your bank. Hopefully you faithful readers recalled this piece before checking a box.

So, things have changed and things have stayed the same. Our buddy Al Gore was recently cleared by a court of any misconduct with a massage lady. This blog isn't likely to ever clear him from being a fear-mongering climo-douche. The President continues to spend money, albeit in much quieter fashion nowadays. But we will continue to cover it all. Catch those stories of insanity that fall through the cracks. Rest assured, when the latest global warming hooplah comes out, The Top 11 will be there. When pop culture becomes overbearing in its worthlessness, The Top 11 will be there. When someone harbors a wild animal and it mauls them to death, The Top 11 will be there, finger wagging. Above all, The Top 11 will be there to allow you a break from the day, a chance to step back and look at the word through cynical yet hopefully humorous eyes, and not feel guilty about it.

Thank you all, as always, for reading.

~The Top 11

Stop the flow...of hypocrisy?

2010-06-05T13:34:00.004-04:00

It seems fitting to address the oil spill with the first post back. Since the duration of the spill and the time without updating The Top 11 (and the Mesozoic era) share roughly the same time frame. Some of you may expect a new, fresh take on society after some time at the reflecting pool, but you are wrong. The Top 11's cynicism has only been emboldened by the time away. The more the world was considered, the more The Top 11's duty to right the wrongs of it was required. What better scenario to dish out blame and sarcasm than an ecological disaster the likes of which have never been seen? Besides, you don't exactly read The Top 11 for the well-wishing and muffin recipes, now do you.

Let's lay out the facts. By all accounts, this whole heaping oily mess was an accident. Here is the first stop for you conspiracy folks out there. Yes, The Top 11 more than dabbles in theories and secrets, but not on this one. If you think this was an intentional act, you may as well hop off at this exit. Because it don't take money, don't take fame. Don't need no credit card to ride this train. But, it will require some logic and a basic trust of humanity. And this is not a shot at those who believe that there were dirtier motives at play. The fact that oil is still (checking Google...) yep, still leaking, does make an easy entrance into the "what if" house of smoke and mirrors. But there is enough to deal with as is on this issue, it doesn't need subterfuge.

What the issue does need is blame, because we as a society basically thrive on it. Forget that umpteen wackos caused 9/11, it was all Bin Laden. Forget the myriad factors that went into us going to war. It was Bush. Forget the complexity of our financial system and economy. Blame "wall street" solely. Blame Obama, etc. Don't believe this to be true? The federal government is already looking into criminal charges against BP execs. OIL IS STILL LEAKING. Why can't we prioritize? There will be plenty of time to penalize specifically later. The Nuremberg trials were important, but at least the war was over. Our society tends to be a little more like Kanye West, telling everyone that George Bush doesn't care about black people when there were still black people stuck on roofs during Katrina. Forget the accuracy of his statement, question the timing of it.

Obviously the spill is a golden opportunity for the environmental crowd to polish their bullhorns. Are they right that oil companies are merely evil polluters? Sure, maybe. But one can at least cast a watchful eye on someone who is protesting the spill this week because they don't like pictures of oil covered seagulls, whereas last week they were commuting to work in an SUV, just like everyone else. Of course, disaster breeds action and reaction. Human nature. But where did people think oil came from before the spill? Out of sight, out of mind, eh? The oil fairy doesn't fly to the gas station every week and deposit clean, sustainable 87 gas down a rainbow like a Lucky Charms commercial. Getting the oil out and refined is nasty business and quite frankly, accidents happen. A gallon of gas is often cheaper than a gallon of milk or water, that doesn't happen with a magic wand.

The bigger hypocrisy is not just protecting the birdies, but calling all the employees of BP evil and greedy. All they do is provide a product that despite its best efforts, America absolutely begs for at every turn. You think this spill is causing anger? Hike the gas price a dollar a gallon. Which would make YOU more upset? Be honest. Calling BP eco-terrorists? Seems a little overkill. Yes, they harvest oil in natural spaces. But along with the steady stream of 10W-30 going into the gulf is their reputation and their livelihood. Imagine if you watched all your cash funneling down the toilet in a steady stream. You wouldn't be laughing like an evil villain, you would be in tears.

That doesn't mean BP is free of blame or guilt. Of course they aren't. It's their mess, it's their spill. Using some time-honored cliches: how can we put someone on the moon and not stop this leak? How can we invent nuclear energey, shoes that pump full of air and pop rocks and not stop this thing? How has humanity created a problem that collectively, it can not solve? Not a huge problem like global warming (gag), either, a problem that is literally a leaky pipe?

The spill has grown enough that it is everyone's problem. We are fools to think society will not want to blame the one kid in the class who screwed up recess for everyone else. But here's to hoping that before we destroy the government, or BP, or the oil industry at a cocktail party conversation, that we have at least looked at ourselves in the mirror and considered the oil we use. We have at least asked whether this pipeline would even be there had there not been so much demand for oil? More directly, which one makes us more upset: this spill or a dollar more for gas?

Be honest...

Returned!

2010-06-05T13:23:00.003-04:00

Finally, the growing yells of the masses have become too much to bear. The chants and wails of the readers have entered through the castle walls and into the very soul of The Top 11. The guilt began to grow, the cries of the people stronger and stronger. "POST! POST! We have nothing to read! How shall we be entertained?! Doth thou expect us to live on bread crust alone?! POST!" At first, the rebellion was easy to dismiss from the throne, "let them eat facebook." But now, the multitudes of throngs of masses have become so great that the crown must acquiesce. This literary Bastille can no longer withstand the imminent threat of pitchfork and torch.

The Top 11 shall post. The nation shall be saved.

Senseless Census

2010-03-29T17:35:00.004-04:00

It's census time! The Top 11 knows that there is nothing more exciting than this head counting ritual that comes around every ten years. Just like we often do in daily life, we fill out a long form asking our name, age, weight, height, race, household income, past felonies and fetishes. Except this time, we don't get a new job. Or a driver's license. Or an entry into the sweepstakes. We just mail it off and get...nothing.

"But that's not true", you say. "The census is how we get our community's equal share of things like fire hydrants and schools", you say. Mother of God...the advertising is starting to spread into your minds already. And there are 300 million of you sheeple out there. God help us.

So now you are thinking, "Man, The Top 11 is usually grumpy as hell, but it's also correct on everything. But why is the census so bad? It tells us how many of us there are and it's how our community gets its fair share of things like fire hydrants..." Silence! Enough. Enough with the hydrants. We get it. The government doles out its wares like a creepy ice cream man based on area population. Yes. Congratulations. You just passed Mr. Cordoza's 7th grade civics class. Enjoy your gold star sticker and pubescent awkwardness.

Look beyond the tag line of that stupid commercial. The one where the mere act of one guy completing his census form suddenly means his town is inexplicably immune to our shitty economy to the point where a marching band must spontaneously break out in song on their way to the surprise parade of rainbow-colored puppy cookies. Stop and think about this. With all our advances of technology, computers, and science. In the age of the Internet and Google. The best way to count how many people we have is by sending out a paper form? And hoping everyone sends it back? So, we are literally counting 300 million people...by hand? Ah ha. I see. So there was no other way to pull this off? No computer program? Tracking satellites? Guesstimation? Google algorithm? What about a cloud of iPhones? They have 10,000 apps but none of them can say "here" when your name is called?

Forget the arcane nature of the census counting procedure for a moment. Do you know how much the government is spending on advertising the census? Yes, advertising it. $300 million dollars by some estimates. The census' own website puts "January 2010" budget at $140 mill-yo. Hundreds of millions of dollars to advertise the fact that people should send it in. Are they insane? Why not just make it mandatory? You are the FEDERAL GOVERNMENT. You can instill fear and terror into your citizens hearts and homes. You have a parking lot full of tanks and fighter jets. And the best way you came up with to get people to fill out ONE form is to advertise it during the Super Bowl? This isn't the ShamWow. It's the census. Tell everyone they have to do it or the only thing their community will get their fair share of is mustard gas. Attach it to something we have to do already, like pay taxes. Every person in America pays taxes, right? Ok, bad example. Still, this is the same government that just bulldozed our health care industry and put up their own system against the prevailing will of the American people. Yet, when it comes to the census, they ask politely and hope we comply?

Even if the attempt to advertise the census was a good one, and it's not, who are these commercials targeted to? Let's be honest here. Who do we think are the "type" of people who don't complete the census? Wealthy, productive, engaged and educated? Or poor, illiterate, lazy, homeless, etc.? Just saying. So how would you approach those who don't complete the census? Exactly! With TV commercials that deal with the principles of government and appeal to their sense of civic duty! Right up their alley, to be sure. I can just hear them now. "I don't work, or have a home, or formal education, or the ability to read...but if there is one thing I know, it's that completing the census is how my community will gets its fair share of funding from the federal government. I better complete this form and mail it in before I go looking through trash cans for food scraps tonight."

How is there no better way to conduct this process? They just figured out how to pass health care, didn't they? (gag) Pardon me, I was choking on a bit of saliva there, and it turns out you have to fill out a three page form now before someone will administer the Heimlich maneuver under Obamacare. Anyway, why are we sending out paper forms? We send one to every person, then spend 300 million asking them (through catchy ads) to mail it back? Get serious. Take the election of 2008. You had the messiah himself, running against a milf VP, to replace an extremely unpopular wartime president. Basically, the most captivating political race this country has ever seen. And 65% of us voted. Sixty-five percent of America participated in what was deemed at the time to be the most historic moment in the entire existence of our country. Guess what, even if 65% of people mail back the census form, your data will be horribly skewed.

Let's pretend that we did the census already back in 2000. Or 1990. Or 1980. Then, let's pretend that ever since that date, every person born in this country had to get a magical piece of paper called a birth certificate. Jointly, let's assume that every time someone passed away, they got another magical slip of paper called a death certificate. What if, through some sort of cockamamie scheme, and we are just spit-balling here, we added the births and subtracted the deaths since our last census? What if we used all the personal information we are constantly pestered for during, oh I don't know, getting a driver's license, or a passport, or filing our taxes, or paying our bills, or collecting social security, or registering to vote, or being spied on via satellites and Google Earth camera vans? Why couldn't we use some of that info? The people in the NSA are friendly. Just go over and knock on their cubicle and ask to borrow the excel file that has every single piece of information about every single flipping American in it. It's called "everything_ever.xls", right on their desktop. Bring your flash drive.

The only thing more ridiculous than a door-to-door mail and questionnaire campaign is spending hundreds of millions on advertising so people will buy into the idea. Not that we look to the Fed to be a beacon of efficiency and cost savings, but this one is downright idiotic. This doesn't even begin to address the concerns people have with the form that thought it was a great idea to include "negro" as a race choice. Or the fact that no illegal alien is going to voluntarily offer that they have 32 people living in their residence. Or the fact that the whole damn thing requires us all to naively accept that the government really uses a headcount when it comes to spending its money. No, senators and congressmen do back-alley deals. Gerrymandering. Pork. Earmarks. Don't you people listen to Rush?!

But go ahead and fill out your form. Go ahead and send it back. Just don't think The Top 11 is wrong on this one, until you hear that the census department received all 300 million forms back, all on time, and all perfectly readable. Or at least until you see a new fire hydrant on your street.

Ultimate Bracket Guide 2010

2010-03-15T18:07:00.004-04:00

It's the most wonderful tiiiime, yes the most wonderful tiiiime, it's the most wonderful tiiiiiiiiiiiime of the yeeeeeeeeeear! Screw Christmas! Screw Santa and his annual gift of v-neck letdowns! Gone are the snow and sadness of winter! No more stupid Christmas trees, resolutions, groundhogs, valentines, or presidents! The real national holiday has finally arrived. The one thing that unites this great nation like no other: betting on amateur athletics.

HAPPY BRACKET DAY!

The Top 11 hopes you all felt the same sense of childish giddiness as you stood by the laser printer, waiting for it to warm up. Yeah...warm up, baby. Take your time. Get that toner drum nice and piping hot for me. Because I want this bracket sheet to look crisp. Jet black ink on a virgin white page. Straight lines and 90 degree angles all over the place. Like an apple pie sitting on the window sill, ready for the hot knife of prognostication to slice it apart. Then dish up a nice piece of 5-12 upset with perfect crust. Mmm mmm.

Once you can quiet your fluttering heart, you do have some business to attend to. You want to celebrate bracket day with the rest of your cubicle buddies, but just like Maverick at the graduation party you are going to have to leave immediately because some stranded US ship in the Indian Ocean needs you and Ice Man for air support. What does that mean? It means Top Gun has a scene that can be related to ANY scenario in your life. Any. It also means you have work to do. Research. Calculation. Googling "RPI". This is the year you win the bracket. You won't be fooled when Clint from marketing asks what you think of Seton Hall this year and then
when you fumble for an answer he blurts out, "Seton Hall is in the NIT, douchenut!"

Well, if you are ready to mop the break room floor with Clint's salty tears, you have come to the right place. Exclusive for readers of The Top 11 is the Ultimate Bracket Guide 2010. That's not a link or anything, it's just to celebrate the awesomeness of the following Ultimate Bracket Guide 2010. Yeah, still not a link.

So here we go. Get yourself a five dollar bill, a bracket, and a permanent marker, because pencil is for busters, and this is fool-proof. You may also want to start thinking about how you are going to spend all the freaking money you are about to win. Really, dollar-for-dollar, you just can't beat a yacht. The freedom of the open seas, the privacy and the luxury. They even make some that have like full bedroom suites below the deck and you can have like Wii and stuff and champagne in a fridge. Ok, let's do this.

By eliminating teams based on bracketological analysis, we will find our champion.

First of all, let's dispatch with the kiddie stuff. Everyone knows a 16 has never beaten a 1 seed. Betting otherwise is a fool's game. Plus, 15's have beaten the 2 seed like once out of 3,000 times.

Gone: Lehigh, East Tennessee State, Morgan State, UC Santa Barbara, Vermont, Play-in, Robert Morris, North Texas

Next, a tip that most veteran bracketeers will know, but may be news to the rookies. Don't pick football schools. Sooner or later, the fan base will bail because they want to know about the spring game instead of basketball.

Gone: Ohio State, Texas, Florida, Florida State, Texas AM, Notre Dame

Now, let's eliminate any uppity-sounding prep schools who won't win anything that doesn't involve debate team or math.

Gone: Vanderbilt, St. Mary's, Old Dominion, Wofford, Cornell, Temple

Next, you aren't going to win this thing without a little risk. You have to make a splash. That means saying bye-bye to those cliche favorites. Read em and weep.

Gone: Duke, Kentucky, Kansas, Syracuse, Georgetown

We need to make a serious dent in this thing. "State" schools are a dime-a-dozen. Very little identity or personality. Not the kind of stuff required to win the big one. Anyone going by state is done.

Gone: Michigan State, New Mexico State, San Diego State, Oklahoma State, Murray State, Kansas State, Utah State

You know no one from the Big Ten is winning it.

Gone: Purdue, Wisconsin, Minnesota

May as well get rid of all those under-achievers, too. Those teams that seem like they are in the tourney every single year, maybe even in the final four but they just can't win the big one.

Gone: Tennessee, Georgia Tech, Gonzaga, Butler, Xavier, Pittsburgh, Villanova, Louisville, California, West Virginia, Missouri, Clemson, Marquette, Wake Forest, Maryland, Washington

This is the year that acronyms go down...hard.

Gone: UNLV, UTEP, BYU

Luck runs out for schools that sound like people's names, too.

Gone: Houston, Richmond, Sam Houston, Baylor, Siena, Montana

Already down to the Final Four. Then, poof! There go double names.

Gone: Northern Iowa, New Mexico

Well, we are down to the final game. By this time in the tournament, if you have used this bracket guide, the championship team will pretty much be a formality and you will be counting your money. But just in case your pool has another Top 11 reader in it, you will still have to pick the last man standing.

The choice is yours, but The Top 11 has a hunch that Oakland will be too much for Ohio to handle in the championship.

Champion: Oakland

Time to buy a Toyota!

2010-03-15T16:51:00.003-04:00

Everyone has heard the stories by now. In perhaps one of the worst business and manufacturing moves in modern history, Toyota decided that they would replace their standard "throttle control module" with a spinning roulette wheel of death. The once quiet and sedate ~~Priusi~~ Priuses are now ticking time-bombs of destruction. What used to be a self-esteem boosting joy for most drivers, aggressively passing a slower Prius on the highway, is now a move reserved for only the bravest of souls. For if you cross the evil demon inside the Prius dashboard the wrong way, he will floor all three cylinders of fury directly into your tailpipe at an engine-capacity 92 mph. You don't want 1100 pounds of killing machine running into you at that speed. Serious rear bumper scratches could befall your vehicle.

As it turns out, the only thing more ludicrous than the Toyota safety committee answering all defective product inquiries with their trademark "screw it, we all drive Lexuses", is that Toyota is trying to spin this. Sure, it is within the DNA of every company to try and make lemonade out of the smoldering pile of rubble that used to be their corporate office. But isn't this one beyond repair? American consumers are a hardy bunch, to be sure. We will still guzzle down Smarties, Pop Rocks, Tylenol and Pepsi before a game of yard darts. But there is a limit to our adventurous nature. That limit is somewhere between "may cause stomach bleeding" and "company knowingly cut corners on safety in order to sell more death machines." The only spin is on the unstoppable wheels of a Camry as it careens toward a group of pedestrian nuns walking puppies for charity.

Then the following line was heard on a radio commercial for Toyota, "there has never been a better time than now to buy a Toyota." Oh really! Never been a better time? Never? What about...oh i don't know...all the times that your cars were not running over kindergartners! Wouldn't that be a "better time" to buy a Toyota? You know, before your vehicles supplanted Fisher-Price's "my first assault rifle" on the all-time product recall list? Never been a better time to buy one, you say. Maybe because the MPG rating goes up now, since you can't freaking stop the car. Maybe that's what you meant.

The economy is tough and lots of us are looking for a good deal nowadays, but use a little caution on this one, folks. Pump your brakes a little (if you got em). Not every single car they make will take off out of control, true. And, the purchase price is likely to plummet. But as for "there has never been a better time to buy a Toyota"? Yes, yes there has been.

Drive safe.

The Definition of Terrorism

2010-02-18T15:02:00.004-05:00

It seems there is some sort of debate in media, political and academic circles about the definition of the word "terrorism." Not that any of us should be surprised. We live in hyper-sensitive times where even the definition of a word can be construed, misconstrued, misinterpreted, deemed offensive, deemed racist, deemed sexist, deemed vulgar, unintended, intended, politically correct or incorrect. The Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky issue made semantics a national pastime. What is your definition of sex? What is your definition of relations? Of an affair? Of terrorism?

Sometimes we all wish that things were a little more like the old days. Such as when stupid semantic arguments prevent the proper response to a crisis, or the proper punishment to a crime. There was a time when you could see things a bit more distinctly. A time when phrases like "calling a spade a spade" and "if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck" helped us define things we see. "Better safe than sorry" trumped weighing the PR fallout or the potential lawsuit. Don't believe me? That little calling a spade a spade phrase? Originated in the 1500's according to Wikipedia. It means to speak bluntly. Not using euphemisms. Lots of people avoid the phrase in our time because it now has racial connotation. How ironic that a phrase meaning to speak without sugar-coating must be avoided because it may offend.

Which brings us to planes and buildings. Most people in America tend to believe that crashing a plane into a building...DELIBERATELY...is an act of terrorism. Maybe some of you readers can guess why we feel this way. This chilling reality of our nation's most frightening and tragic moment was almost glanced over in this piece from the Associated Press. In case you had not heard, a small plane crashed into a federal office in Texas. At the time of this post, only the pilot was believed dead. Here is a portion of the report from the Associated Press:

WASHINGTON -- The White House says President Obama has been briefed about Thursday's plane crash in Texas. Spokesman Robert Gibbs says the president was briefed by counterterrorism adviser John Brennan shortly before leaving the White House for a trip to Colorado and Nevada. Gibbs says the Department of Homeland Security is investigating all angles of the crash and its cause. A low-flying small plane crashed into an office building in Austin that houses the Internal Revenue Service in Texas. Officials there say it was an intentional act by the pilot. Gibbs said it "does not appear" to be terrorism.

W. T. F? Certainly this was a typo. It does NOT appear to be an act of terrorism? But it was intentional? What does it appear to be? That the pilot mistook a FEDERAL BUILDING for a runway? After a quick check of the news sites, it is becoming even more glaring that this is terrorism. The pilot wrote a suicide note/manifesto! Headline from Foxnews: "Troubling Portrait Emerges of Pilot." No shit it's troubling! He is a terrorist!

Oh. Right. He wasn't Muslim. He wasn't from a Taliban sleeper cell. He didn't learn how to fly with a fake Visa from Afghanistan. He was white. He was crazy. He hated the government. Who cares? What, the plane wasn't big enough? Not a grand enough scale? We all know how that went, must we repeat it?

How a government spokesman in the United States of America could say that an aircraft crashing into a federal government building, on American soil, in an act deemed intentional by local authorities, DOES NOT APPEAR to be terrorism, is beyond comprehension.

It would seem that we are no longer referring to spades as spades. The walking and quacking object does not appear to be a duck, Mr. President.

Allow The Top 11 to create a handy little guide for White House aides. A checklist, if you will. For it seems they are unable to detect acts of terror. Let us say that if the act involves more than a couple of these following criteria, you can call it terror without second-guessing it.

A. act involves aircraft being deliberately crashed
B. location of crash is federal building
C. clear objective of act is to take as many American lives as possible
D. suspect has previously completed a work he/she titles "manifesto"
E. suspect is trying to prove a vain point about religion, government, or both
F. all of the above

The government needs to call this terror. Stop protecting us after the act with your choice of words. Start protecting us before the act with a damn missile. Yes. Missile. F-16's were scrambled. Shoot it down. Please and thank you. We spent billions on our fighter planes. Awesome toys. Let's use them when people deviate from course in aircraft, do not respond to traffic controllers, and settle in on a heading for a building.

Protection is not sugar-coating the casualty report. Protection is neutralizing the threat.

The government wastes so much time protecting us from fear that they do not protect us from danger.

This was terrorism. It may not have fit into the usual template that CNN or Fox use. It didn't involve Muslims. It didn't involve boxcutters. It wasn't 3000 people. Go find what the guy wrote and read it. He seems rational and intelligent, albeit upset. He is upset about paying taxes, losing his retirement and government fat cats screwing over the middle class. The same stuff you would hear someone complaining about in a diner. He doesn't fit the "terrorist mold." But it was a deliberate act on our soil, with the intent to kill or harm as many people as possible, so it was terrorism.

9/11 was terrorism.

Oklahoma City was terrorism.

The Unabomber was terrorism.

So was this.

Let's call a spade a spade.

SPAM Email Doesn't Work

2010-02-11T17:54:00.005-05:00

It has become a part of our daily routine. Just like pulling those stupid reply cards out of a magazine and spinning them at the trash can like a Frisbee and ultimately missing, sighing, getting up, and throwing it directly at the trash can. Only to be astonished as it still catches the air a bit and falls outside the can. So then we give an even more audible, more incredulous sigh, and place the card into the can, without any possibility of error. Just like that. What is it? It's spam email.

Every day, we open up our personal email accounts and immediately blow away the pill offers, the PayPal account suspension notices, the congratulatory emails about winning the sweepstakes, the email from our friend saying he is stuck in a ditch after a car wreck sent from his BlackBerry, mortgage loan offers, seriously dude i can see my leg bone sticking out please call someone, the free Viagra offers, the random "hi" email from someone we don't know, well i guess i am supposed to die here wet and muddy in this ditch before i go man i just have to tell you since we are boys when we were in high school...i am so sorry i never told you...when we were in high school and you were dating Lindsay I totally slept with her...i am sorry man you are a great friend i am blacking out so cold so so cold mommy, the Amazon.com sale reminder, the Nigerian scammers, virus emails, etc. They are all fake. They are malicious. They are a nuisance. But they are part of our life. We delete them. We deal with it.

But the question is why. Why does SPAM exist? We often hear that foreign dude on Nightline or the other chick who looks like your friend's mom say that Internet spamming and marketing emails are a multi-kapillion dollar a year industry. We assume because of the rampant use of emails that this is true, but has anyone ever checked into it? How could these people make that much money? How could they make a dime? Sure, there will always a few gullible folk who fall for a scam, but that's not enough to generate a huge, bustling SPAM empire, is it?

Think about it. Right off the bat, who do you assume falls for the mortgage and life insurance scams? Old people, right? Because they are vulnerable and old. But you forgot one little thing. OLD PEOPLE CAN'T USE COMPUTERS! They can't even drive correctly or pronounce "Beyonce." So it can't be them. Anyone who thinks a fish screen saver is an aquarium is probably not capable of setting up their own email account, checking it, following a link, then entering credit card information

What about poor people? Maybe they are desperate so they are blinded by the hope that something will help them out so they get scammed. Um...POOR PEOPLE DON'T HAVE MONEY OR COMPUTERS. Don't believe me? Send this post to all your poor friends. Ha! Told ya. None of them have email. Or friends. Besides, all the money that poor people have combined would not keep the industry afloat.

So far, all you have is the 2% of SPAM-generated income that comes from monkey researchers leaving their laptops too close to the cages and parents trying to hold a crying baby while talking on the phone and checking their email. That's nothing.

Let's forget where the money comes from for a minute. How do these people even GET the money on the other end? From credit cards? Credit card fraud may not be rocket science, but it seems like it might be complicated enough that a guy telling me he is "the Ambassadoor of Afrika so maybe I could please thank help him for sake mooneys. Would much appreciate helpings for Afrikan peeple" wouldn't be able to figure it out in a way that doesn't involve getting caught. Fourth grade spelling and grammar may in fact precede complex Internet crime in the educational syllabus. How could anyone who spells Cialis with a dollar sign possibly be intelligent enough to become rich off SPAM emails?

Maybe the greatest scam of all was telling the Nightline producers that they make tons of money off spam emails in the anonymous telephone interview. Otherwise, this thriving crime syndicate doesn't seem to add up. Until more can be discovered about these crooksters, do the right thing: forward ALL your spam emails to everyone in your address book so they know what to look out for. If everyone shares the spam emails they get and stays hyper-vigilant, maybe we can eradicate this problem.

The More You Know. Rainbow Star.

Looking Back On The Recession

2010-02-10T18:40:00.004-05:00

We may not be entirely finished with the great recession, or depression, or whatever we are calling "these tough economic times." But many analysts believe we are at least working through it. Perhaps the worst is over. Housing and unemployment seem to have stabilized a bit. It may be slightly premature, but it is probably not crazy to start thinking ahead. Not in a sense of investing. Or finding a new job. Not for buying a house or a car, or even splurging on that Mexico trip. No, the time has come to start thinking about how we will talk to our grandchildren about this recession.

So let us go back through the last couple years, no matter how difficult it is for us to relive it, we do not want history to be lost. Or we may be doomed to repeat it.

So as those wide-eyed children scurry up to our knees (after disembarking from their flying skateboards and hooking them up to their plasma chargers, of course), we can tell them of a time when it was rough. Not just rough, it was soul-breaking. It was devastating. They may not even believe us when we tell them that 401(k) matches were suspended. That's right Timmy, the company stopped giving us free money for our retirement accounts. Devastating. I remember hearing reports of men who went crazy after their Roth IRA's lost more than 20 percent in one year. Some of them were over 55 and still working. Working their fingers to the bone.

I think we first knew things were really bad when my wife said maybe we shouldn't go to Applebee's on Friday night. We could just get some 10 dollar pizzas instead. Souls were broken. Despite the horrible economy, the movie Avatar came out. But most people could only afford the matinee price, maybe on a Netflix account. We never expected to live our lives without watching a new release in the theater, but hey. You do what you have to do to survive. Let me tell you something else, we didn't have unlimited data plans on our iPhones. No way. We had to pick between texting or email sometimes. Watch our minutes. Watch our minutes. Demoralizing.

Did we buy new cars? Ha! We didn't have the money! We couldn't just waltz up to a car lot and say "give me the red one." We had to wait for a government incentive of 2500 to 4000 dollars before we could buy a new car. Oh yeah, Cash for Clunkers they called it. Everywhere you went all you heard about was watch your data minutes and cash for clunkers. But you know, we got by. Yes we did. Scrimped and saved. I remember seeing my momma cry once because she had to print some coupons off her computer. Broke her heart. I don't think she ever did tell Daddy about it. It would have broken him, too.

Some of the smaller businesses had to close. Some people got laid off. Most companies just stopped replacing retirees. Finding a job was tough. Finding a house was worse. The government only gave you 6500 bucks to buy a new one. But the money was so tight. Digital cable rates just kept going up and up. But we grabbed those bootstraps and held on for dear life. You have to entertain your family, you know. But you also learned to live without movie channels or NFL network. It was hard. But we did it.

I think I will remember the little things the most. It may not seem like a lot now, but when we didn't get the Wii fit for Christmas, I remember me and my sister just crying ourselves to sleep. Mom and Dad told us to be grateful that we got the regular Wii with an extra controller but we were just kids. We cried and cried when we saw the tree without a Wii fit under it.

Still, we got over it. We were knocked down and we got up. Mom shopped at Wal-Mart for clothes. We wore them at school. Knocked down and back up. All you could do was look forward, keep your head up. We would just plug our iPod headphones in, fire up some mp3's from iTunes and just wish it would all pass. Wish that maybe we would get some money. Wish that maybe we would get some luck. Maybe Dad would get a bonus instead of just being employed.

They say the recession was great. The Great Recession. Nah. Not to me. Not to us.

The only thing great was the people who survived it.

Super Commercials

2010-02-08T19:04:00.004-05:00

The annual ritual coming after the Super Bowl used to be that everyone would call in sick the following Monday after ingesting too much beer, pizza and snack food. Well, the economy is struggling and with high unemployment, calling in to work seems a bit cliche and also guilt-inducing. Thankfully, the digital age has provided us with a new tradition! Instead of calling in to work on Monday, you can actually pull yourself together and trudge into the office...then spend your day watching all the commercials online instead of working! Unfortunately, The Top 11 was out and about all over town during the game. So some of the ads were missed. Here's a recap of what we WERE able to see:

(and yes, reviewing the commercials is a lame cliche. but instead of working on a real post we were, well...watching all the commercials online all day)

Violin Beaver
Thought this commercial was awesome. Had a silly premise but also a logical progression that hit you with the "oh, I get it" right at the end. The only gripe is that the beaver types "violinist" into the search when it should have been "fiddler". Because that boy wasn't playin no violin, he was a fiddlin' fool!

Clydesdale Cow
Painful. Lame. Repetitive. Haven't they had this exact commercial before but it was a Dalmatian wanting to be in the group? A donkey or a sheep or something? The first one 10 years ago was funny. They played football. Then they had the replay one with the zebra. This was sappy and emotional and it starred a cow. A complete waste of 5 million dollars.

Danica Go Daddy
Speaking of repetitive. This is year three of this garbage. We live in a society with a very short, desensitized attention span. A third year of chicks in white tank tops is not pushing any envelope. People are going to start getting physically angry with GoDaddy unless they change course. It objectifies women and their chests, it should be a no-brainer. But they keep making it annoying as hell. It's crazy that they can continually screw this up.

Simpsons and Coke
After watching the entire flowing, animated spot there was only one thought to be had: holy shit, the Simpsons is still on?

Doritos Kid
Really funny, plus they cleverly navigated through single-mom territory which could have been difficult subject matter. Proved that a great spot can be cheap, simple, and sans-animals.

Snickers Betty White
Decent use of the celebrity cameos, but still pretty weak. Didn't help that after the guy eats a Snickers, he still sorta looks like Betty White. Playing to the masses and low-ball humor, won't win you any awards.

Bridgestone Whale
The guys speeding down the pier and skidding out to throw the whale back was great. Creative and different. Too bad it was impossible to connect it to tires in any way. It was a commercial about a bachelor party and a whale. And tires. Hard to connect.

Doritos Dog
Horrible. Just horrible. Predictable use of animal. Predictable gag. Horribly acted "zapping" by the guy. It's like the marketing person who created this went out and got hammered the night before, forgot he was turning in a SUPER BOWL COMMERCIAL, and wrote it on a napkin in an elevator on the way to the pitch.

Boost Mobile Super Bowl Shuffle
It's really bad when you do a parody that is completely zany and tongue-in-cheek and you should STILL be utterly embarrassed for yourself. None of these men should be able to even look their kids in the eye. Especially McMahon. Atrocious.

Charger Man's Last Stand
A great commercial that keeps the suspense up and shamelessly acknowledges its target market in an effective way. Any guy should appreciate the litany of "sacrifices" he must make in a relationship, and rejoice as the engine roars. One of the more intelligent commercials in the list.

Green Police Audi
Another smart ad. Great portrayal of the "green police" as environmental wackos and the diesel Audi as a sensible and responsible choice. It appeals to green-minded people while poking fun at those who are over the top. Pulled off beautifully.

Abolish Groundhog Day

2010-02-02T18:35:00.003-05:00

Yeah, yeah.

The Top 11 is once again the bitter old curmudgeon that just can't let something go, right? Just let it be, you say. It's just fun. A stupid holiday. Who cares?

Relax, you say. The kids like it. They don't have sales for it or anything. It's not like you are going to hit Groundhog Day mall traffic on your way home from work, so cool out. Cool out, you say.

No.

Screw you people and screw this groundhog. Screw completely unprofessional and unreliable weather prediction. Screw the cold and screw winter.

A quick overview of the Groundhog Day Wikipedia page (which is waaaay to long, even for historical purposes) tells us that this holiday harkens back to a time when, well...a long time ago. The point is, this holiday goes back to a time when weather prognostication was extremely rudimentary and people had jack shit to do with their spare time. Despite neither of these circumstances remaining true in our modern society, this practice continues each year without even a shred of usefulness. Independence Day and Thanksgiving remind us of a time when our nation was just beginning. Reminds us of our roots. Groundhog Day reminds us of a time before Internet and Doplar 7000. Great. What's the point?

Now we will not rob the wonderful little town of Punxsutawney, PA their special event. Nor will we vote to abolish the movie Groundhog Day, an all-time classic. Small towns have stupid traditions. It's their thing. This is about abolishing the cutesy report on Good Morning America regarding shadows and weeks of winter. The tongue-in-cheek suspense of waiting on a varmint to waddle his fat ass out of a doghouse under tranquilizers and see a shadow. The stupid yearly ritual of pretending like America gives a crap about this animal, the false prediction about the weather, or small-town folksy fun.

Because we don't. We didn't fire up Google first thing to see what fatty Phil had to say. We won't adjust our spring gardening plans based on that despicable vermin's derived opinion. This holiday is not worth the collective cost of the ink required to print it on once-a-day Far Side calendars. It has no point, no purpose, no more redeeming charm. Anyone who tells you otherwise is lying.

Groundhogs are actually a nuisance. These rodents are some of the most destructive animals that crawl through the sewers. The fat, sleepy groundhog you see on the morning shows is so drugged up that he can't even spell weather, let alone predict it. Real groundhogs are vicious, resilient and impossible to kill. They destroy property and grounds, spread disease and eat children. Do not celebrate them or their stupid holidays.

New Respect for Barack Obama

2010-02-02T17:51:00.005-05:00

You may have assumed in the past (safely) that The Top 11 was not exactly on the list of corporate donors to Barack Obama's election campaign. It will take you more than five minutes to search through The Top 11 archives and find mention of spiritual enlightenment reached after hearing an Obama speech. Go ahead and peruse this site for discussion of all the great things the President has done thus far. Here is a coffee, we'll check up on you later.

Despite The Top 11's transparent veil of objectivity about our fearless leader, one thing must be recognized. The President of the United States of America is responsible for quite a few policies, decisions and choices that affect us. Like, no shit, right? You may swear off any allegiance to this man because of his pro-choice policies. Perfectly understandable. You may deny association with him because he likes to spend money like a 17 year old whore...on heroin...expensive heroin...in a mall...during the Macy's 24 hours sale...a week before Christmas...on her daddy's credit card...that she stole...that has a $10,000 limit. That also makes sense. Maybe it's the empty promises, the Nobel Peace Prize, the pathetic health care debacle, etc. All fine. Still, his reach is unmatched. His influence unparalleled. Sooner or later, he is going to do something, anything, that resonates with you.

And it happened. While never believing it would happen...The Top 11 agrees with President Obama and applauds...nay, celebrates! his position: "Screw NASA." That's right, Mr. Spendy McSpender from Spenderberg has decided that we will no longer waste money on space. This does absolutely nothing to reverse the shameful truth of how much money Obama has wasted, but it does strike a very personal chord with The Top 11. So for one day only, this man...this great, wonderful man is The Top 11's President and we are proud to admit it. Because he had the rocks to stop this stupid commuter trip to the moon. A body that we discovered to be cold, gray and uninhabitable 40 years ago, not unlike Nancy Pelosi.

Finally someone stopped this crap. NASA wasn't taking any risks. No new discoveries or science or achievements. We were still sending up the shuttle. Done that. To the moon. Done that. To do "experiments." Done that. Richard Branson has made more progress in space travel than NASA. We have not heard of any ground breaking ceremony for that Atlantis resort on Mars we were all promised. And should a threat to our existence occur in outer space, we will still leave that to Will Smith. Because it is only going to happen in a movie.

Obama probably made this move because it was politically popular on some level. It was shameless pandering on an issue that many had clamored about for decades.

And The Top 11 absolutely loved it.

Best movie ever, you say?

2010-01-15T08:11:00.004-05:00

Everybody needs to calm the hell down about this movie, The Hangover. Simma down now. I am not here to throw out some outrageous claim that I didn't find this movie funny in any way. Not one of those people. You know, the type of person who enjoys ripping on anything that is popular, just to be contrarian. Or to appear that they have reached some elevated level of consciousness that the rest of us minions have failed to see because of our stupidity. More importantly, the person who has to augment their opposing stance with exaggerations and grandeur. It is not a problem if you are the person who says, "I don't really like Kings of Leon." It is a little harder to stomach if you offer that, "Anyone who likes Kings of Leon is an idiot. This is easily the worst band ever in the history of our solar system." But more on that later.

For now, a little confession. I haven't seen The Hangover yet. (I will wait a full 5 minutes for the gasping and shock to subside) Why not, you ask? Well, I 've been busy. Just haven't got around to it. What is also true is that I haven't run out to see it in a theatre or rent it just because everyone is telling me that I have to see it. According to all you people, if I was on the way to the hospital to see a dying family member, I should stop at a theater first and watch this movie. Like I am some sort of jerk for not having seen this movie yet. Worst of all, like I am the contrarian person described above. Like I have some sort of vendetta against this movie because I do not watch it twice before breakfast. Well, I don't have anything against this movie...but I am working on it.

I fully intended on catching this movie when it falls into my lap. Maybe it's on TV sometime down the road and I finally have the time. Maybe I am hanging with some buddies and they pop it in. I never envisioned I would have to make an immediate appointment to watch it like it was an aching appendix. I certainly never expected to have people visibly upset that I have yet to see it.

But the movie itself is only a symbol of our societal problem. As my attorney would say, "everyone is prone to hyperbole, you know that." You got that right. Everyone says this is the funniest movie they have ever seen. Really? Funniest ever? Ok. I guess. The same people who are never hungry, always starving. Starving is not "I haven't eaten since that bagel from Panera this morning." Starving is picking rice out of animal shit and washing it down with dirty river water. You are slightly hungry at best. We are never tired, we are exhausted. Exhausted probably works when someone stumbles across the finish line at the Boston Marathon, not misses an hour of sleep in the morning because their neighbor's snow blower is too loud.

These observations aren't new. But that doesn't mean they aren't valid. It is just to say that we all need to clam down a bit. Turn down the vocabulary and bogus claims that may be impossible to support. Let others see The Hangover when they can, even if it is a great conversation starter. There is a reason sports wait 5 years before voting players into their Hall of Fame. This time allows the emotion and hyperbole to subside a bit. Same thing for this movie. I have nothing against it. It might be the funniest movie ever. I am just suspicious when someone makes that claim as they walk out of the theatre.

Since I am clearly the jerk who won't see this movie for another three years, I will be glad to let everyone know if it stands the test of time or not. We will see how many people rank it #1 after a little time to think it over. And comparing it to The Hangover II: Miami, of course. You know, the best sequel ever!!!!!!!!!1!!!

Walking Backward on a Treadmill

2010-01-02T14:40:00.004-05:00

The supreme purpose of The Top 11 is to entertain the loyal readership. Those readers stand arm-in-arm, 14 or 15 strong. The readers are what keeps The Top 11 rolling along, one mediocre post after another. But aside from the constant stream of hilarity, you may have noticed a strong undercurrent of social conscience at this blog. The Top 11 entertains first, and cares second. But it still cares. The Top 11 cares about a society in which the brutal and heinous crime of walking backward on a treadmill...in public...should no longer be allowed and punishable with severe justice.

The humble author was at the gym, being that the humble author is a regular gym attendee. In between sets of 275 on the bench, I couldn't resist watching a few resos. A reso is someone who only attends the gym for a brief period of days, as a result of their half-assed New Year's resolution. Obviously, this time of year means the gym is crawling with them. Half of them don't even have athletic shoes. But the joy of watching them try to figure out the keypad on an elliptical machine just keeps on giving.

As I scanned the horizon of treadmills for possible visual prey (hot chicks), I noticed a woman was looking at me. Naturally I get that a lot at the gym but, since the treadmills face out toward the window, this was a bit of a surprise. She was walking backward on the treadmill. I thought to myself WTF? Not "what the eff", I actually just thought about the letters w, t and f. These text abbreviations are turning us all into computers. Before you know it we wll stp sng vwls nd fll wrds ltgthr.

One could guess that this woman was crazy. Perhaps she was trying to get off crystal meth and had some weird phobia about facing forward. It was during the day, maybe she just had a severe sensitivity to light as the treadmills were facing the windows? Maybe it was a convoluted political thing. Like, she still works out but she "turns her back" on the distance counter because it represents the man or something? But I don't think so. You know why? Because I have seen this before.

I think this is some sort of new-age exercise B.S. about how walking backward on a treadmill uses muscles that we often overlook and helps even out our tone. It is not that hard to picture that explanation as one of Cosmo's 112 Tips to Get Fit for 2010. Those who work out and particularly lift weights know there is a little truth somewhere in there. You do have to balance. You can't rock biceps curls every time you go and do zero work on the tri's. Sorry, "tri's" means the muscle on the back of your arm if you are a reso. Unlike the cliche bodybuilder with a huge upper body and stick legs, you want balance. Do some squats, pretty boy.

But let's give God a little more credit, people. I don't think he designed our bodies so that if we only WALK FORWARD, our muscles will be so lopsided that we will simply fall over like an egg standing on a counter top. Walking backward makes you look like an idiot...unless you were face to face with a grizzly bear 5 seconds earlier. You won't have balanced legs any more than a normal person, but you will look like a dumbass. I can only hope the fact that you aren't using the equipment properly and safely causes an embarrassing accident for you as well.

Walk straight. Walk tall. Walk the walk. Walk like a man. But do it forward.

Enjoy your artificial tree...in hell.

2009-12-17T19:40:00.006-05:00

Let's just lay it all out on the table right now. No pleasantries. No clever introduction. No stalling with repetitive statements about what we are not going to do. No stalling with repetitive statements about what we are not going to do. No stalling with repetitive statements about what we are not going to do. No beating around the bush. No lolly-gagging. No feet shall be dragged. Let's get down to business. Brass tacks. Cut the crap AND the bull. Get the point, the crux, and the picture. Git er done.

Everyone who thinks Christmas trees should be traditional and real, please stand on the right side of the room. Anyone who is a communist sympathizing lazy contributor to the commercialization, de-Christing and all-around crapification of Christmas, please, stand on the other side. All those who have real Christmas trees, please slap each other on the back haughtily. All the artificial tree people with artificial hearts that hate Christmas please look at yourself in the mirror. Try to look a little more shameful. A little more. A liiiiittle more. That's it. Perfect.

Where do you people get off with your fake trees? There are at least 14,000 trees in the world, ripe for the chopping. God created the trees so that we would remember that he gave his Son for us. And that Son was born on Christmas. Wal-Mart gave us fake trees because you people buy them and they can get them dirt cheap from China.

One could understand buying something that was fake if it were difficult to get the real thing. Like boobs. Or dinosaurs. Clearly they couldn't have made Jurassic Park with real dinosaurs because they don't make real dinosaurs anymore so they had to use fake ones. No one is blaming those people, that movie was awesome. But trees are all around us! Just walk outside and chop one down! Is it really that difficult to go chop a tree down?

But the simple fact that people don't want to use an axe in cold weather can't be the whole issue. It can't even be that Wal-Mart's prices really are ridiculously low. No, there has to be something more to it.

You see, fake trees are about perfection.

To some people, a real life living thing just can't be perfect enough. So they have to make robots.
Seen it a thousand times. Kid wants to get a puppy. But puppies piss and crap on the rug. So the kid gets a robot. Robot doesn't soil the carpet. Robot obeys all commands. Robot lifts heavy objects and sorts through 60,000 illegally obtained MP3 files quickly.

Or, boy meets girl. Boy likes girl, except her laugh is sort of annoying. Since boy has impossibly high standards, he ignores physically attractive and compassionate girl because of her laugh. Boy drops out of college and tinkers with circuit boards. Then hydraulics. Boy makes robot girl with perfect laugh. Robot girl malfunctions and wreaks havoc on entire city. Robot girl can not be contained by conventional weaponry available to the police. Police begin work on robot policeman to stop robot girl. Production problems and town hall corruption delay manufacture of robot police man. Robot girl declares herself supreme ruler of town. Eight years later, police finally release new robot prototype, The Sergeant 4000. As rubble of town burn amidst famine, disease and rampant crime, some question whether it is too late. Sergeant 4000 is undeterred. Sergeant 4000 seeks out robot girl in the smoking ruin of what was once town square. Robot girl blasts Sergeant 4000's left side with a blistering laser shot. Sergeant 4000 recoils and fires back C38 cluster bomb array, decimating robot girl's lower half. Unable to move and nearing termination, robot girl activates self-destruct final option. Sergeant 4000 leaps in slow-motion to stop her. It is too late. Robot girl self-destruct timer clicks down ominously from 10 seconds. Sergeant 4000 confesses that he always loved robot girl. Robot girl struggles to smile. 3... Robot girl's circuit board flickers and dims. 2... A lone tear is seen streaming down robot girl's face. 1... Sergeant 4000 holds robot girl's lifeless body in his arms and looks to the darkened sky. Boom.

All because you bought an artificial tree and ruined Christmas. Well, bah humbug to you.

The Saint Switchboard

2009-12-15T19:00:00.007-05:00

When you grow up Catholic, one of the more interesting aspects of your youth is that you are very likely to become a scholar of the saints before you enter high school. These holy men and woman of God are not just funny names that are chanted at special masses. (Why are Simon and Jude always together? Were they the biblical Starsky and Hutch?) They are to be shining examples of how we as Catholic children were to live our lives. Catholic boys were not supposed to look at the girls legs, they were supposed to start missions in Guatemala, for example. All the girls were supposed to grow up to be nuns and serve the poor.

If your family was particularly versed in saint culture and lore (St. Sebastian ran a 4.3 forty at the combine), you got the added joy of a little "saint knowledge" being dropped on your ass every time you screwed up. If you lost something, you had to pray to Saint Anthony. The patron saint of lost things (sorry girls, doesn't work for virginity). Saint Jude was the patron saint of hopeless cases. Let's say you lost your wallet. Pray to Saint Anthony. Lost your wallet over the edge of a cliff? Saint Anthony and Saint Jude. There is Saint Christopher, the guy on the medal that always saves someones life when the bullet lodges in it on a re-run of CSI. Saint Blaise, the patron saint of trying to choke someone with two candles.

If someone was being a wayward child, they were "more Saul than Paul" a reference to Paul's conversion to a life of following Christ after persecuting Christians as a Hebrew. Joan of Arc was a smoking hottie...literally. With all these Saints and patrons of this and that, it did get a little confusing. It was a real blessing when they set up the Saint Switchboard. A hot line where kids could call in and angels would direct their problem to the appropriate saint.

Angel: Saint Switchboard, how may I direct your call?
Boy: May I speak with Saint Michael please?
Angel: What is this in regard to, young man?
Boy: Look, can you just transfer me to him, I chose him for my confirmation name, we're cool.
Angel: It's ok, honey. You can tell me.
Boy: Well, I have this rash...
Angel: Is it on your private parts?
Boy: Um...
Angel: It's ok.
Boy: Yes ma'am.
Angel: Ok, well that is actually Saint Richard's department, I will transfer you now.
Boy: Thank you, ma'am.
Angel: Uh-huh, put some cream on it.

Coffee is hot, people.

2009-12-10T16:45:00.003-05:00

The Top 11 knows that in the course of producing a feature length movie, or a network television show, you just have to cut a couple corners on the realism. Lots of people like to blurt out "that would never happen in real life!" during a show or movie, apparently as some sort of statement that they have their finger on the pulse of everything that is real. These people miss the point. No, you shouldn't believe that every girl who works in a crime lab always has her hair down, works only in heels and wears cleave shirts all the time. Oh, and she can shoot a suspect in the leg from 75 yards away with a handgun. We all know that does not happen in real life. Women don't even work in crime labs. Most of these truth stretchers are merely part of the show. Despite what CSI and Criminal Minds like to tell us, most serial killers probably do not look like teenage heartthrobs and only do it to play really interesting puzzle and clue games with cops. They probably do not give up the location of the last victim who is still miraculously alive in a needlessly intricate scenario.

Still, the shows have to take some liberties in order to entertain us all. Would we rather watch real cops doing boring Google searches or models with guns and translucent wraparound video screens? Exactly. But there is one point that TV shows and movies routinely screw up. One act that is so simple, so universal, yet always comically failing when acted out...the coffee.

Now that the weather is cold, it is becoming pretty commonplace to see people with a hot coffee. But pay attention to the way REAL people drink coffee and the way actors drink coffee. The actors never do it in a believable way, sometimes it is downright comical. The Top 11 fully intends on starting a website dedicated to fake-coffee sips on TV and movies. Each offense will be rated from 1-10. Next time you are watching, rate it yourself.

Be sure to look out for these common coffee corner cuts, or CCCC's for short:

1. Is this thing on? - Common coffee drinking mistake on screen. Someone grabs a cup right out of the machine, or right from a fresh pot, and takes a huge, gulping, satisfying sip. The only thing missing is the eerily quieted scream of someone who has just given their esophagus third degree burns. Coffee right out of a machine is hot. McDonald's used to mandate that coffee be served at 180+ degrees from the drive-up window. That ended up in a famous lap-scalding lawsuit. Coffee is hot. You can't slam it right out of the pot.

2. Fill 'er up, Chuck - Probably the most common of the coffee capers. The actor or actress performs a proper tilt and duration, the sip looks totally believable. But there is no swallow. No gulp. Nothing down the hatch. They are drinking prop coffee! Air! Nada! Parents should be especially in tune to this trick, having watched their kids "drink" all their milk only to find the cup still full when it is time to clear the table.

3. 50's kiss - The Holy Grail of acted coffee drinks. Very hard to find. Usually a stick-thin actress who probably keeps her figure but ingesting nothing, including the water that is in the "coffee" on screen. Being protected by the proper camera angle, the 50's kiss occurs when the actress does not even touch the cup, merely brings it close to her face without contact. Not unlike the parents in a 50's sitcom who would "kiss" a few inches apart so as not to upset the sponsors of the era.

None of these actors ever burn themselves with coffee, or have trouble with the lid, or make a funny face after they realize it takes like industrial waste. They don't burn themselves or tweak out. Usually because they aren't even drinking coffee.

A Serious Take on Tiger Woods

2009-12-09T17:16:00.003-05:00

When The Top 11 recently heard of Tiger Woods hitting a tree, we knew right away this news was not par for the course. Tiger Woods had always been in an elite club in terms of athletes and celebrities. He was highly regarded around The Top 11 for the way he approached things. Even with some rumors around the fringe of his life, he was always able to play through the adversity and manage to keep a lofty reputation.

For this reason, The Top 11 was saddened to hear that Tiger had finally been hooked into a mistake. A costly mistake that quickly made the rounds in the media. Not just the salacious stories about the slices on his face, but also rumors of him being in clubs with other women. The Top 11 wanted to believe badly that he was getting the shaft from the media, and that he was simply being a careless driver. Not some sort of player flashing his green every time a woman flopped down next to him. Alas, as the story began to turn, the final scorecard seemed to show that Woods was indeed guilty of some transgressions.

It seemed strange that there were no red flags before Woods' little outing occurred. Writers and reporters were scrambling to find clues from his past that would indicate how the story would play out. While no previous events hinted at the rough times ahead, Woods confession plainly addressed that he had not treated his wife or family in a fair way. Even with his honesty, it was still sad to see that he had come up short as a list of women began to wedge themselves into the story and be linked to Tiger.

It was enough to make The Top 11 want to simply stick a head in the sand. But the situation was real from front to back and there was no easy way to get around it. The trap for Tiger seemed to be the allure of other women that were always out in front of him. When the story came down and stuck, everyone in the gallery, including The Top 11 had to come to grips with what had happened.

Not to put the cart first, but Woods will be playing golf again one day. Once he is finished being laid up with injuries, he should be able to swing a comeback without any problems. Once the ball gets rolling on his golf career, many of the rumors won't be able to keep pace, especially if he starts to win. Woods may be able to shoot right back into the sport, but a punch was still thrown to many of his fans, including The Top 11.

Woods will still be a great golfer, but many of his fans never expected him to lose his grip. No pun intended.

Once Again: Global Warming

2009-12-09T16:56:00.004-05:00

The Top 11 faithful now know full well the stance around here on global warming. You know by now how we feel about Al Gore, and climatological statistics. You know how we feel about dying polar bears, butterflies in India flapping their wings and melting Arctic ice caps. Is the climate changing? Of course it is. The climate's voice is changing, has begun to grow facial hair and feels funny in its pants when it looks at girls. Happens to all of us.

Is all the climate change our fault? That doesn't seem likely. After all, it seems like a lightning-induced California wildfire that rages on for 3 months on 175,000 acres might be able to produce a speck or two or carbon. Maybe at least as much as a $40,000 automobile, engineered to burn gasoline efficiently enough to pass emissions standards and a host of federal pollution laws. Maybe a speck. It seems like a hurricane or tornado might be able to knock a couple trees down with the best of the logging industry, right? Granted, having a real Christmas tree is pure evil but an F4 twister that decimates an entire town isn't the most innocent of forces either, right?

Still, there are those who would have you believe that most of the ~~global warming~~ climate change has been a direct result of fat Americans and their Ford Expeditions. Fine, no big deal. We can go around and around with the argument. Those who think global warming is a little inflated and sensationalized will stick to opposing it with science facts and reason, those who still support global wamring can fight to have their voices heard with another secret email propaganda campaign.

But the debate might have to change course once again in the near future. Quite frankly, we need some global warming right now. Yeah, yeah, you aren't supposed to use one day to extrapolate an entire generation of climate research. Ok, Mr. "science whiz". Let's get serious. This is happening every year. Have you been outside? It's FREEZING. The wind chill is 8. Last year it was 45 on this date! Once again, the Earth is getting colder and people are so preoccupied with the old global warming bit that no one realizes we are making it worse!

We need to start polluting more. Cut down a few trees, you know, for the hell of it. It's getting way too cold outside. White Christmases are great, but it's barely St. Nick's day and road salt is running low. We are in for another big winter with cold temps and snow. It's time to stop going green and start burning stuff again or we might not make it.

The Top 11 officially hates PETA

2009-12-02T20:00:00.004-05:00

PETA has done plenty in the past to catch the ire of The Top 11. But now, this blog is ready to make it's first official anti-endorsement. Ready to publicly denounce this organization for being so stupid, so attention-whoring, so creepily caring about animals that no one wants to know what really happens in the bathroom at a PETA Christmas party. These sheep-screwing whack-jobs are just out of it. They don't get it. All they do is make these ads that shock people and piss off religious groups. Then they hold up cute puppies as their war cry. It's enough to make you want to step on a baby kitten with cleats.

So the latest way to warm our hearts about pets? Naked chick with a crucifix, of course. Oh? You don't get the message? What are you, slow? Can't you clearly see the symbolism? So many innocent animals are abused each year...look at my titties! And a...crucifix? Sure, why not! These people have lost it. We won't back down from controversy. Here it is:

Ok. So let's start listing the things that this picture makes us think. How far past "sick and twisted Catholic grade school fantasy" did you have to go to find the phrase "those cute, innocent animals"? Exactly. These people have lost it. They know their issue is weak. So they stay in news with stunts and shocking photos. PETA is no different than a drunken slut celebrity who gets out of a limousine without underwear on. These people are a joke.

I am going hunting this weekend. I can only hope I see some animals on the way that I can run over.

Wait. Wait wait wait. Stop. My fault. I made a mistake. It turns out the girl in the photo is a practicing Catholic. Clearly there is nothing wrong with it, then!

"Krupa issued a statement responding to the Catholic League, saying: "As a practicing Catholic, I am shocked that the Catholic League is speaking out against my PETA ads. I'm doing what the Catholic Church should be doing, working to stop senseless suffering of animals, the most defenseless of God's creation."

Why didn't you SAY you were Catholic?! Obviously this is all a big misunderstanding then! You will have to forgive me, I am not used to seeing good Catholic girls holding a crucifix in front of the one thing a Catholic girl is not supposed to play with while levitating above a sea of extra puppies from a Disney movie.

I can't remember exactly what page of the catechism says "no posing with only crucifix in front of your boobs and crotch for the sake of animal rights" but I swear it was at least a venial sin. Could be wrong.

PETA is out of control. The are the first and worst official thing NOT endorsed by The Top 11.

Vampires Suck

2009-11-20T15:46:00.006-05:00

Ha. They suck. That's just some typical top-notch humor here at The Top 11. Well, once again we have all found ourselves meandering aimlessly through life when we are abruptly stopped by a rustling in the woods. Since we are alone (yes, you read that correctly), down to only one granola bar and it's getting dark, we decide to press on without investigating the sound. A few months later, we heard the noise again but we continued to ignore it. Now our laziness has caught up with us. What was once just a rustling in the back of our mind has now become an epidemic. Congratulations, society. You got yourself a vampire problem.

Apparently, the absence of any bubble gum pop music boy bands created some sort of bizarre vacuum in the world of 12 year old girls. Since no quartet with pencil-thin trash stashes stepped up and cut an album, a darker force was able to grab hold of America's future single moms: vampires. You know, if you fly jets long enough, something like this is bound to happen. Sorry, that was actually a line from Top Gun. If you watch pop culture long enough, something weird like this is bound to pop up. The concept is absurd. People seem to latch on because it is absurd. Absurdity quickly transmutes into popularity and before you know it, Dateline has a feature on a 3rd grader who was kicked out of public school for asking his teacher what blood type she is and then biting her on recess. Of course the kids parents sued the school, you're missing the point!

The problem is not with these vampires:
These vampires are simply good-looking white kids with druggie makeup and emotional problems. None of us should really fear the vampire who says this:

"Look, Alicia. I like you. I mean, I really like you. Not just because you're a good kisser. I mean, I think you're like, really cool. It's just...I mean...it's just a drag that I'm a vampire and you go to private school and your dad hates me."

Because if we start to believe that vampires are really just like people on teenybopper dramas with fake teeth and tight t-shirts, then we will be completely blindsided by the vampires who say this:

"Show me the way of your darkness, sweet prince of death. I am your servant."

Or perhaps this...

"AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Maybe even...

"Hi, this is Corey from Auto Insurance National, is this a good time for you?"

You know, real vampires. Don't freaking laugh. Of course there are real vampires. What, just because no one has ever walked up to you in a Wal-Mart and said, "Hi, I'm a vampire. I vant to zuck your bluud!" , you think they are fake? Fine. Do as you will.

But I, for one, am going to respect the real ones out there. Because they catch a bum rap when movies like this come out. They may not be the most visible group, but I am telling you this: vampires are a proud people. They are going to get pissed off when everyone's perception of what they are is a bunch of emo teens who are experimenting.

Not me. I would like to personally endorse the cause of all real vampires out there. You have a friend and ambassador with The Top 11. We know you are real, proud and just want to live a good life like the rest of us. Most importantly, we know you aren't some stupid romanticized version of a Halloween costume in a movie that inexplicably comes out in November.

TUP26VM8TCJ5