The Unlife

"The Sega CD" --Angry Video Game Nerd

2012-05-29T16:35:00.000-05:00

Apparently continuing onward with my further level of early summer boredom and laziness, I gotta another classic for you...

Yeah, it IS another redux episode of the internet popular Angry Video Game Nerd that I'm pimpin' like he needs the pimpage...but hey, if something's good right, why not? ;)

In this one Mr. AVGN rips on the Sega CD...and boy howdy does it ever need it! LOL

Peruse, my Sunshiner children, peruse!

Hey, if nothing else, The Nerd's parody of the classic commercial for S-CD is just priceless! Love it!

--Chet

Classic Strongbad: "Nightlife"

2012-05-28T17:35:00.000-05:00
Things are sure pretty quiet around here in Chetslyvanina....uhhh....Texas...

>

But really, what would you expect, seeing as how it's the beginning of bikinifest and all....err...I mean SUMMERTIME and all...

...So I thought instead I'd see how things are in another favorite enchanted kingdom...Strongbadia, or AKA the home of one of my other favorite animated people of all-time AKA Strongbad

Yeah, it's a "classic" emailage episode, but whatever Sunshiners, anytime is a good time for Senor Strongbad...and DUH what better time then to watch an episode where he hilariously discuses the "Nightlife" of his 'hood!

Of course, Nightlife DOUBLE-DUH, I'm a Vampire, so EXCCCCUSEEEMEMOI ME If I'm a little partial to...nightlife. ;)

Don't worry Daywalker folk, it's a good one!

Strongbad Emails #185: Nightlife CLICK HERE!

(YESSS REMMY, I realize I totally misFrenchified myself up there above, but it's just a blog, bloggah readerz LOOOOVE poor grammah skillz! You sir need a visit to the "Pwaddy Cloob" in the worst way!! lol ;) )

* Dang grammar Stickler Francophile Nosferatu Vampire best friends!:P

--Chet

Hammer Films' The Vampire Lovers (1970)

2012-05-23T16:34:00.000-05:00
Hey, its "Hump Day" and you KNOW what THAT MEANS! How about a little....

For this week's Edition I have...

The Vampire Lovers

Info:

Director-- Roy Ward Baker Writer--- Harry Fine (Screenplay) Sheridan La Fanu (Original Story)

Starring--- Ingrid Pitt Madeline Smith
Peter Cushing
Douglas Wilmer
Year: 1970

Company: Hammer International The Basic Scoop, The Poop, The Lowdown:

In late 18th Century-early 19th century Germany first a prominent General (Cushing) and then another aristocrat take in a mysterious young Countess' Daughter (Pitt) who draws herself closer and closer to their daughters, for not only sexual purposes, but as a source of blood!

What's Pretty Good:

This IS a Hammer film, so there are certain traits that come with that territory. (You just know sooner or later you're going to see Peter Cushing or Christopher Lee pop up somewhere, which isn't of course a bad thing. ) There's a certain look, mood, or "vibe" to every Hammer production. Some might call it classic or cliche' but that's only because that for many of these films it's more that 30 years out since they were made...I think of them as comforting and classy.

Virtually all Vampire flicks (of quality anyway :P ) such as Coppola's remake of Dracula and even Interview With The Vampire have copied something from the Hammer style...

It's because these old films were and ARE good quality flicks!! And this title is no exception. It's based on Camrilla after all, so there's actually a real story to follow here, which, for a classic horror "B-Movie" is engrossing enough.

Oh, and did I mention the Nudity dudes? ;)

BARE in mind though (puny-pun-pun! :) ) that it IS all tastefully done, and actually rather shocking in the places it...uhh...POPS UP in this film, especially if you've never seen it before. It's still a real movie and not just an excuse to ogle hot chick's perky little boobies. Sprinkles of sexed-up appeal...nothing more.

The lead Vampiress villainess is just exotic and saucy. She holds the viewers attention even when her clothes are on.

The second daughter who Camirilla preys upon Emma (Smith) is also interesting enough to watch. I seem to feel like perhaps Tim Burton (a known Hammer film aficionado!) MAY have been inspired by the young lass in this film when he created Sally for his often under-appreciated classic The Nightmare Before Christmas

But that's just my theory! ;)

What Kinda Sorta Really, Really Sucks:

Not much, but again the Nudity factor, though by no means that bad from the standpoint of our modern tastes, is still there and makes this flick unsuitable to watch if you've got little annoying sugar-hyper rugrat monsters...err..I mean CHILDREN in your pad. The Scare and Gore factor is pretty much zero, so if you're mostly into Zombies and "splatterhouse" type stuff you might want to pass this one up.

Oh yeah and it's got all the "classic" Vampire cliches in it (Garlic, Crosses, Coffins) which I can tell you from personal knowledge is all total bullshit! (Seriously, actual bullshit would be a FAR MORE effective deterrent to us Vampires than Garlic! ;) ) So some might find the use of these things as Yawn-worthy, depending on your personal tastes.

Overall Film Grade: B +

Even though this is what my Nosferatu bud Remmy calls "Blatant Vampist Propaganda" (He despises Vampire films!) I didn't mind. I sort of have a warm and fuzzy soft spot in my heart for the "classic old monster movie" (and a hard and long one in my pants for this film in particular ;) lol )

Yeah, you've probably seen it all before. Coffins, Cushing, Fake fangs, Fog Machines and creepy castle miniatures on a hill...but sometimes that's a good thing. After you've seen non-stop splatter guts, goo, entrails, brains and zombies, sometimes going back to the type of movie where it began is a great and needed change of pace.

And if you're looking for rock-solid quality "horror throwbacks" Hammer's stable of stuff is one of the best places to start...and if you ALSO happen to have a penis, why not start with this one? :)

---Chet

Michael Jackson's Moonwalker--Angry Video Game Nerd

2012-05-22T16:14:00.000-05:00
>

Verily yes Sunshiners...

This is no doubt a classic video of a classic video game from WAAAAAY back, courtesy of the internet and wit and wisdom once again from the Angry Video Game Nerd...

...But who DOESN'T dig the AVGN? Fleshie Normie, Nocturnal, or otherwise?

Don't like the AVGN?? Then, I question your Americanism you grumply pussywhompas!!

Have no idea who the heck he is? Geez Sunshiner scrub, where have you been?? :P

But seriously I can't think of a better place to start. Chick out this HEELARIOUS review of one of the most utterly bizarre games made for any system... Michael Jackson's Moonwalker...

Grabth at that virtual crotch with me, LOL, Ummm....yesh. :P

--Chet

"I Wrangle Cattle" --Bryan Callen

2012-05-21T17:09:00.000-05:00

Yeaaap Daywalkers...

...I gotta confess, I'm a wee bit bored, and can't really wait for the hot misstressesssess of Summer to get her hot sexy arse butt on down here so I can get GRILLING season started already!

...And you know you can't dang'well have any grilling without COWS!

Check out this wee bit short short bit of funage, from comedian Bryan Callen talking about how a REAL MAN deals with cows...

Ya'gettin' hungry yet? ;)

--Chet

Belated Mother's Day Tradition

2012-05-16T17:20:00.000-05:00
Because Mother's Day was THIS past Sunday ......

(Crappola Majoris huh? ;) )

How about this Classic....

In honor of the holiday...

And My Mom...

(What?? Even Vampires have Mothers, yaknow! :) )

Take it away, Last year's Chet!! ---------------------------------

Well it seems it’s that time again…one of my FAVORITE holidays in all the world is soon to be upon us all…Mother’s Day.

(Note sarcasm in the word “favorite”)

What could a Nocturnal guy like me possibly have against a day or night specially set aside to honor your Mom?

Nothing actually.

Quite the opposite. There is nothing I’d like to do more than honor my Mom. But I can’t and it always leaves me feeling quite down, and there’s no getting around it.

Oh no, my Dear Old Mom is actually alive and well…still the sharp super confident housewife/adventurer/contradiction between baking sweets that could put love handles on a starving Ethiopian child in hours and being a health food nut.

The original little ball of fire .

(A CHET off her old block I am…err…maybe that didn’t come out the way I planned lol ;) )

Audrey Sutton McNabb is a woman who never quits on anything (well except maybe smoking.) Especially her hair, it started to go grey decades ago, yet she still refuses let her burnt orange brown locks fade into history.

“People judge you an’ dismiss you too quick when you have a few gray hairs."

Speaking of history…

A woman whose family is as old in Texas as Texas (or at least they think they are!)

Momma is and was always tall for her generation…5’8 and then add to that her favorite pair of dress heels…which she loved but hardly wore anywhere except to Sunday service and the occasional Officer’s Club party that my Daddy had somehow NOT managed to get himself disinvited to with the help of his bunkmates Urine and Jim Beam.

Even today my dearest Mother has the brightest, boldest pair of sky blue eyes. (One of her many gifts to me, got me out of many a jam and into many a Co-Ed’s bedroom in college!)

She has, even now, as Remmy might put it, a “Maureen O’Hara” kinda beauty…defiant, yet soft. Very girly and mothery-ish to us all growing up, yet quite the rough’n’tumble tomboy Mom.

I mean you’d have to be, if you’re married to my Dad.

Or if you had to raise 3 awry Scottish American boys and one lonely twerpy girl, all mostly on your own.

On her own? Oh no, not because of the USUAL modern 21st Century American reasons. The Old Man wasn’t screwing around with some uber body pierced and tatted up personal trainer/massage therapist/stripper named Amber Ariel (or maybe even SVEN) on the weekends or anything like that…but Daddy was a BIT of a bigamist, symbolically if not LITERALLY.

Daddy was married first to the Corps. An Officer and NOT a gentleman for 30 years .

So yeah, the family McNabb traveled around a lot in my original growing up Normie days…moving every three to four years or so…and when we weren’t, HE WAS…skipping around every whichaway all over the place on this little blue globe, gone way too often. Put it this way, when you’re a Jarhead Officer’s brat, you get to learn how to say “Quantico” REAL fast!

I tell you this part so y’all’ll understand just what a total fixture Momma was in my life .

When most little boys were out playing catch with their Dads on yet another “Pleasant Valley Sunday” the brood McNabb were outside in the front yard practicing for Karate class, having a catch, shooting driveway hoops or playing tackle football with our MOM!

You have NO IDEA what a mindphack it is to have to blitz a “quarterback” wearing pink sneakers and Capri pants!

Mom had to learn how to cook steaks too…and cut grass like a man. If you were to RUDELY say that I “throw like a GIIRRRL” that’s probably because the first person I learned to throw a baseball from WAS a girl!

Thank GAWWD Momma used to play softball (briefly) for the Horned Frogs.

In short Blogsters…Momma was pretty much everything to us. And now I can hardly say thank you. Not since my…uhh….”transformation.” Yeaaap, Daddy seems to think that JUST BECAUSE I’ve got razor sharp fangs, drink blood, run around at night all pale, faster than the eye can see, and because of that whole aging uber,UBER SLOWLY thing, that I’m the son of Satan now.

The classic “I have no Son!!” Abbot and Costello routine. Hilarious. NOOOT!

(Cue up Who Wants To Live Forever by Queen with me running around aimlessly like an idiot on Scottish hills with the occasional deeply emotional diarrhea-faced closeup shot.)

Yeaap, I’m forboaten from visiting my family on holidays or pretty much EVER…as an unmovable edict of law from the infalible Pater Familares.

Though Momma knows Fangs or no Fangs who her baby boy Chester is.

So, I try, again and again, to sneak something through to her…a card that she has to lie and say came from the local…uhh…grocery…slash…uhh…auto parts store and…bait shop…or a Carvel ice cream cake that was accidentally delivered to the Casa El McNabb that was originally meant for a guy who unexpectedly died five minutes ago by…ummm…getting shot…with…with a BB gun…through…umm…the anus….of…umm….some other guy and landed in the dead guy’s uhh….Pee-hole? Yeah, he died from the pain. (The “Magic BB Theory” lol )

"Ehh Hell woman, I guess we’as might as well keep it…no sense lettin’ the cake go ta’waste on a dead guy!

Good call Pappy. Good Call!

So the Chet-seop’s Fable for tonight folks is this…be thankful and oh-so-grateful for your Momma…you just might lose the chance to tell them how much you care sooner than you think…

(OR you might become a night-time fanged bloodsucker humanoid through a night of hot rough sex that ya’can’t remember and your stubborn redneck Marine Corps veteran father might ban you from seeing your dear Momma for life!)

Whew! Just Keep all that in mind....

Happy Mother's Day Mom and to all the blogging Mommies out there...wherever you are.

In What Ways Would You Say You are Like Your Mother?

How Do You Think Your Mom has Influenced Your Life?

Wrong Number looking for "Boquesha" who also loves you VERY Very Much,

--Chet

Freddy Montero: Amazing Goal

2012-05-08T17:11:00.000-05:00

Now, I know I know...YES I'm a Texan and YES I am a Vampire, and NO we red-blooded Texas redneck boys, Nocturnal or otherwise are NOT supposed to pay much attention to "Kickball Deluxe" or AKA "footie" or "Soccer"

That having been said though, you've gotta give a little credit where ze credit is due, and the following video of some star player dude named Freddy Montero of the Seattle Sounders is an awesome shot...

Anywaaaay MLS needs all the free press in this country it can get...

(And besides, if I didn't show this video that Trish sent me, I might never be allowed back in her lair to play with her XBox again!! Drat the black-mailn' Vampire Pixie friend kind!! lol)

Watch in awe (for as much as anyone can with soccer) watch in awe...

Dayuuuum, who knew that "Stone Cold" Steve Austin liked to play soccer goalie on weekends AND that he was such a freakin' butterfingahs at it!! :P lol

--Chet

Rejected Superheros For The Avengers

2012-05-07T18:05:00.000-05:00

Yeaaaap, you KNOW it's coming. As The Avengers movie prepares to drop on us summer-season-special effects-orgamotechnics on us all...

It seems that there were in fact OTHER potentials for the Avengers team that we, the viewer never got to see...at least, until now!!

Check out this video by Youtuber TimothyDeLaGhetto2 showing us all the super hero crime fighters that COULD have been...and laugh hysterically at the HORROFYING results... DO IT NOW! LAUGH HYSTERICALLY!! ;)

I gotta say, I kinda dig "The Jokestah" I think he has the right idea! ;) :D lol

--Chet

My Best Friend Is A Vampire (1988)

2012-05-02T17:05:00.000-05:00

It's Wednesday (AGAIN sigh, so not Friday, get the hint already lol)

...And for this week, how about the movie that ironically, I first remember seeing after I contracted my own version of an STD, aka the NOCTURNAL variety....

My Best Friend Is A Vampire

Info:

Director-- Jimmy Huston Writer--- Tab Murphy Starring--- Robert Sean Leonard Evan Mirand Leeanne Locken

Year: 1988

Company: Kings Road Productions

The Basic Scoop, The Poop, The Lowdown:

A young, average Texas teenager named Jeremy Capello is suckered (literally) into giving up his virginity to young hottie Darla with a dark secret (read: VAMPIRE.) Rather than immediately bemoaning the fact he's now got fangs instead of a brand new car, our young hero Jeremy tries to make the most of his new...uhh...situation. But being a vampire isn't always as easy as it looks. (Tell me about it dude!!)

What's Pretty Good:

It's familiarity. No really, it gets a lot of things right about us Vampires. Some people might find the plight of our young hero, and the end results of it ( or AKA the lack of immediate dark coolness) to be a little disappointing (what?? He's too...uhh...NORMAL!!) but what are you gonna do? Thems the breaks! If you were a badass before you became "Nocturnal" or maybe just a dork (like me ;) ) that's just what you'll be AFTER you become a Vampire. Only with fangs and a few added perks. :)

The whole butcher shop motif, nice touch of course,realistic? Si, but I do have a HUGE nitpick about it (get to that in just a second.)
>/br> It's almost like the dude who penned the script consulted with one of us. (I wonder how much they were paid for their consulting work...I'd work for doughnuts...on retainer. lol :) )

The setting, for once, is some place different than the usual New York City neighborhood, small California/Pacific Northwest town etc (the two coasts ) this one is actually set and filmed on location in TEXAS for a change (Flyover Country) in practically my own backyard (or right next door to it thereabouts...AKA Houston.) While not explicitly stated too much as I recall, there are certainly enough clues, and for the most part Texans are portrayed pretty accurately (I.E. sans giant cowboy hats and ridiculous accents...though they COULD have sprung for more pickup trucks I think lol ;) )

The casting of Robert Sean Leonard (known to the world today as Dr. James Wilson from House M.D. ) was a solid move for a flick like this. Jeremy comes off a likeable boy-neck..err..I mean NEXT door, with a nervous grining bemused face throughout the flick (the expression that seems to be Leonard's trademark lol ) While, yeah, it's kind of type-casting, you've also gotta remember that this is one of "Bob Leonard's" earlier roles, this is where his typecast trademark was born, and in any rate, why the Hell am I babbling anymore about it? It works for the character and makes this flick more watchable so what of it? :P

What Kinda Sorta Really, Really Sucks:

In case you just might have forgotten just what "era" this was made in, this is an 80's flick, and a movie made for teenyboppers of that time, so all the doofus cliches' of that decade come BLARING through like a giant shiny chrome boomboxs playing the "one-hit-wonder" Young MC over and over again. (Risky Business Tom Cruise sunglasses, vanity license plates, horrible hairdos, bad film soundtracks, etc.)

It's also very similar in plot to a CERTAIN earlier and more popluarly well-known Vampie teenbopper 80's comedy starring Jim Carey (which I may get around to perusing again one of these days, good flick!) Sure that was common with 80's movies made for the teen-20somethings crowd ( Weird Science vs Real Genius or say The Lost Boys and Near Dark etc) but you've still gotta make a mention of it.

The plot's pretty predictable too. Chances are if, just by reading this review, if you can imagine what you THINK "Young Wilson from House as a Teenage Vampire" would be like, and what might happen, then that's what DID happen.

The "Scare Factor" of course is zero, buuuut, you were expecting that, because this film really isn't a horror movie at all. It's a cheesy teen sex comedy with fake Vampire fangs, that's it.

Oh, and one more thing, pigs blood...PIG'S BLOOD?? Don't they know that real Vampires NEVER drink la Sanguine de Miss Piggy?? It tastes like shit man!! lol

Overall Film Grade: C-

This is a throwaway light 80's comedy with a little Vampire flavor thrown in for a measure. Not particularly amazing or anything, but not horrible by any stretch either. Light faire...like a cinema rice cake with chocolate syrup on top.

It was one of the first flicks I can vaguely remember watching after my own new "lifestlye makeover" so I can relate, and has a tiny soft spot in my heart like Mac'N'Cheese....with virginal yak's blood smeared on top!

Movie Comfort food! :P

If you're an aficionado of 80's cult films and cheese, you might enjoy this film, or if you're a "Wilson" fan you might be curious to see just what your favorite TV Doc was up to in his younger, even more boyishly goofy-looking days. If neither of those appeal to you, then you can skip this film.

I give you permission. LOL :)

--Chet

Jim Gaffigan- "On Bowling"

2012-05-01T14:26:00.000-05:00

And Continuing with our Haha-tastic early week comedy theme...

..How about we have a'norther heapin' helping of blonde "Midwestern Deluxe" awesome comedian Jim Gaffigan

Here he is philosphfizin' on the wonderful merits of this new social invention apparently called...Bowling.

WATCH!

You're welcome....I hope you enjoyed that, 'cuz it's your birthday present!! No, really!! Suckers!! LOL

--Chet

Comedy Classic "Dennis Miller and Don Rickles"

2012-04-30T15:20:00.000-05:00

Yeah yeah, whatever Sunshine, I KNOW this has absolutely JACK BUMPKIS to do with Vampires, Horror, Zombies, Frozen Custard nipple pasties, small dogs OR yo Momma....

But I careth not.

Why? Because THIS is mi blogcasa, and I can do whatever I want with it...and who doesn't like a classically class act like LEGENDARY comedian Don Rickles?

Because it's Monday and Mondays generally suck big sweaty garilicky camel balls, why not enjoy a classic laugh with me over a 1996 interview clip from Dennis Miller Live

Why? Because I SAID SO Vampiteers, I said so. ;)

Heck No it doesn't get any betta than old man Rickles...no way!

--Chet

The Sandlot (1994)

2012-04-27T16:02:00.000-05:00
Because it's still technically "Opening Day" April....

.... how about we break type a bit and tackle this flick....

The Sandlot

Info:

Director-- David M. Evans

Writers--- David M. Evans
Robert Gunter

Starring--- Tom Guiry
Mike Vitar
Patrick Renna

Year: 1993

Company: Island World Productions

The Basic Scoop, The Poop, The Lowdown:

A recently relocated shy tween boy named Scotty Smalls (sounds like a cheesy porno name doesn't it? Errr...sorry...wholesome review...WHOLESOME... lol :P) is made to get out and make new friends by his recently remarried mom and in the process learns about baseball, life, girls, and gets in a whole-lotta gee-whilickers trouble and fun in early 1960's Utah.

Utah? Why Utah? Yathink just MAAAAYBE a Mormon wrote this??? Hmmm... thinking too much, sorry, my bad. Upward and onward! :)

What's Pretty Good:

It's innocent, slice-of-Americana...uhh...ishness. The film really does do a pretty decent job at being lightly entertaining and cute while at the same time not being too obnoxious, though there are SOME parts of the film that are annoying (get to that in a minute...of course.)

The kids who naturally play the kids in the film are believable in their roles, and being unknown child actors at that helped in "selling" their innocence to the audience...okay THAT didn't sound right at all...eww...lol WHOLESOME damnit Chet, WHOLESOME!! :P

What I meant to say I guess is that you KNOW that they're just regular kids PLAYING regular kids. There was probably no flamming raging uber egos strutting around on that set in either short pants or board shorts. (Though the fact they didn't have someone like...I dunno...that screaming kid from Home Alone didn't help with the movie's box office.)

I particularly like the pool scenes...and yes...I can relate. Okay, damn that made me sound like a Lester McMoe Lester again...but just watch the film and you'll get what I mean...the pool scene was cute!!

Oh yeah, and it's got quite a few nice cameos.Karen Allen as young Scott's sweet, well-meaning mom, Denis Leary and last but certainly not least James Earl Jones

Wholesome family fun folks, oh yes, WHOLESOME!

What Kinda Sorta Really, Really Sucks:

As I was saying earlier, because it's a KIDS MOVIE first and foremost, and because we are not kids here (well...uhh...hopefully! ;) lol ) there are a couple of parts in the film that are annoying and very "Cartoon...ish." Unbelievable and silly...particularly when we get into the flick prime predicament concerning "The Best."

But, in all honesty, I've seen far worse in terms of kid movie implausibility and hamminess (SEE previously mentioned screaming kid actor link above! :P )

The plot is pretty simple, you can probably figure out how it's all gong to shake out within 20-30 minutes before it all ends (as in the movie of course, not Time Space, and The Universe...didn't mean to scare you! ;) ) but if you're watching it that long, I doubt you'll care.

Oh, and in case maybe you hadn't already guessed, these kids were C-list or D-List actors when they made this, they're now GROWNUP C-list actors, and there's probably a reason for that...BUUUT still the performances are mostly fine in this flick. Just saying you won't find a lot of star power here or deep universe-bending plot twists. Kids movie....yeaaaah....

Overall Film Grade: C +

This is a sweet little baseball movie. nice dorky ordinary kids playing baseball in a sandlot that was likely later turned into a strip mall or a super Meglo-Wallyworld's. If you like baseball, if you played Sandlot ball with "the guys" when you were a kid (Like I did) or if you ever got thrown out of a public pool or got a wee "stiffie" checkin' out the hot older babe Lifeguard (Like I ALSO did!) OR if you're a red-blooded AMERICAN...

.....Then you'll probably dig this flick.

Bottomline folks, it'll bring back memories of baseball and good times...just don't expect anything deeper than that. Watch it with the fam and the folks and the kids. You'll all do fine with it.

God Bless America...now go play frickin' ball already!! :P

---Chet

Achmed The Dead Terrorist Has A Son--Jeff Dunham

2012-04-25T14:31:00.000-05:00
Yeah, so you dig weird Puppeteer Jeff Dunham like I do?

Okay, I don't exactly roll out with him QUITE as enthusiastically as my nocturnal pal Remmy who sent me this link, but his creepy puppets are rather creative, and often cutely funny. (Wish he'd have more unique voices for his individual puppet peeps though.)

But check out this segment where classic "Achmed The Dead Terrorist" meets his long-lost son... Achmed Jr!!

Puppets are weeeeeeeeeird man! lol :P

--Chet

Annoying Guys At The Gym

2012-04-24T00:00:00.000-05:00
Hey my friendly Sunshiner pud, when was the last time you went to the gym? Yeah...ummm...me neither! :P (What? I'm a Vampire, do you KNOW how freakin' sad lonely and pathetic it is to have to do squat lunges at like 4'O'clock in the morning? (Hello? Hellohelloehellohellooooo *ECHOOO* ) Actually, it's not that bad...kinda peaceful the last time I went, which I think...*counts on his fingers and toes, and some other person's toes* ... was like, a decade ago... :P But anyway, if YOU DO find yourself going to the gym sometime soon, buy a helpful from Don't Be That Guy Videos and don't find yourself acting like one of the "Annoying Guys At The Gym" Watch, my loyal Daywalker slaves!! Yeaaaah, uhhh, I just happened to notice you weren't reading that blog as bio-mechanically efficiently as you could according to the Presidential Physical Fitness standard on blog-reading and...*racketball pop in the head* OW!! Gotta love it! --Chet

R2-D2's OTHER Message

2012-04-23T18:30:00.000-05:00
You think you're the ONLY little short fattie-fat fattie boy from nowhere near the hood who gets down on life with a "gangstah lean?" Okay, that was WAAAY too cool and urban a speak for my pasty white Vampiric buttocks, but you get my point....err....well...like always, pretend you do. :P lol According to this previously never-before seen footage obtained by Seth Ward Productions there was ANOTHER message in R2-D2's sexy propane-tank-on-steroids of a body...and for the first time ever, we play it for you now... Oh yeah, and one more thing... WARNING: HERE BE LOTS OF GANGSTAH IG'NANCE AND PROFANITY Peruse and laugh at your own risk! ;) He really IS a feisty little droid isn't he? Ride or Die R2, Ride or Die...lalalalalala....la-la. --Chet

Body Snatchers (1994)

2012-04-19T19:37:00.006-05:00

You ever have one of those weird days (particularly Mondays) where you're just not yourself?

Well on days like that you should probably be thankful that you're not taken over by "otherworldly beings" or in a cheesy wanna B-remake of a B-Movie called...

Body Snatchers

Info:

Director-
Abel Ferrara

Writers-
Raymond Cistheri
Jack Finney
(Original Novel)

Starring--
Gabrielle Anwar
Billy Wirth
Meg Tilley

Year: 1994

Company: Dorset Pictures

The Basic Scoop, The Poop, The Lowdown:

The Malones are your average, all-American early 90's family. Daddy Malone's (Terry Kinney) Government job has them posted to a new unspecified military base somewhere in the U-S-A for the summer. Typical teeny bopper daughter Marti (Anwar) is at first not too thrilled about the fam's new digs, but that bored angst turns to terror when she suspects the base is being taken over by....you guessed it...ALIENS!! (muahahaha) with the help of a very generic wannabe teen heartthrob solider (Wirth) Marti Malone (sounds like a stripper name ;) ) must uncover the dark sinister alien plot...or at least, hope to get out of the base alive.

What's Pretty Good:

The concept. If you haven't guessed it already, this film is a RE-remake of 1956's original Invasion Of The Body Snatchers. Most of the roles are pretty solidly cast. (Uber Military actor R. Lee Ermey as the Base Commander of course, Forest Whitaker too has a memorable cameo.) The special effects are generally creepy, the idea that your body gets taken over by aliens when you fall asleep, and the utterly gross "death rattle" when the aliens done get kilt...err...KILLED (don't know why I just tripped into a hillbilly voice there, but I did :P ) are all nice touches.

A very young and (and quite cute ;) ) Gabrielle Anwar is rather likeable (or as likeable as she COULD be in this movie...more on that in a momento) as the film's heroine and shows a glimmer of her later believability in physical action-type roles ( a teeny tiny glimpse of her later most famous grown-up role as ass-kicking ex-RA dame Fiona Glenanne on USA Network's Burn Notice )

BUT.... yeah, you knew it was coming...

What Kinda Sorta Really, Really Sucks:

Put it this way folks, if you haven't heard of this movie before you came to my humble little blog, there's a good REASON why. the young Anwar, middle-aged Whitaker, and older codger Ermey (lol j/k, don't kick my ass sir! ;) ) and all the rest do their very best (haha, RHYME) but the dialogue is paper-thin and wooden on all counts. Marti and the other "heroes" of the film seem to amble on about, without a whole lot of clear planning as to what to do next. The scenery is uninspiring, the characters and their relationships don't seem to show too much depth, even before the alien invasion. The "alien people" don't really seem to do anything either except walk around looking for people to take over and staring at each other. The more profound philosophical concepts embedded in the film are totally over-shadowed by the generic blandness of delivery, and the ending seems rushed and totally unsatisfying. It's like you can tell that the screenwriters had to make some deadline so they just said F*&kit! and wrote a tiny blurb to fill in those last gasps and plotholes. It's like they didn't even care about their own movie...

....so why should I?

Overall Grade: C -

The basic bottom line here is, unless you're either just bored out of your mind, are a Daywalking Sunshiner who can't sleep, a Vampire just getting off a night shift in the wee hours, a fan of Gabrielle Anwar, or a lazy Vampire who is also just getting off a night shift AND is a fan of Anwar (me ;) ) just go ahead a skip this one.

Extra points, SCENES THAT ARE DELIGHTFULLY FUNNY, BUT AREN'T MEANT TO BE: B-

(Yeah, there are moments of dialogue between the "hero soldier guy" and some of his comrades in arms that if you watch them while punch-drunk, you may decide to write in your own goofy perhaps even homoerotic subtext. A line also repeated more than nce that's meant to be scray/philosophical, but just comes off like the rambling of a crazy crackhead. Plus there's an obviously fake "evil"baby falling out of a chopper...yeah, sounds bad, but trust me, the way they did it was laughable...Ha! )

Oh YEAH...ONE MORE WORD OF WARNING....if you DO dare to check out this flick, this one isn't for the little fellers. At one point in the film, the filmakers decided to go to their neighbor's house and borrow A CUP-full of nudity...if you catch my drift...and those who have seen Gabrielle Anwar from the neck down will know exactly what I mean...hopefully. :P

(Gee Remmy, thanks for that pun suggestion...I like it...NOT!! ;) )

Basically, There's another "pseudo-remake" of IOTBS made a few years later from this one that not only has MORE lead heroes in it, more fleshed out character sub-plots, but also BETTER direction and special effects too...AKA The Faculty (remind me Normies, I have to get around to reviewing that one, one of these nights...and I will! ;) )

Yeah, you should probably just catch that one instead.

("Remmy, whatddyamean Bebe Neuwirth is HOTTer anyway??" Whaaaaaat??? Dude, you're weird.LOL )

--Chet

Vampires and Spring Break

2012-04-18T19:18:00.000-05:00
I gotta tell you Sunshiners there's really only one thing I miss since I became a Vampire.

The sun.

Yeah yeah, I KNOOOW I've said something different in the past, if you have LOOOONG...uhh...memories and have been following along since WAAAAY back to my first entry.

(Damn son, you need to get a life! LOL j/k ;) )

I did say that sunshine is overrated...and it is.

I still stand by that. (And by YOU... if you'll pay me enough ;) )

You CAN go without those golden rays for the most part, most of the time. I know this because I've done so for more than 20 years.

BUUUT...sometimes, particularly THIS time of year, ya'get a bit homesick...err...sunshine sick.

You see, down here in Texas, Spring is one of those things that MAKES this place God's Country.

( That and all kinds of wonderful meat products. And the Texas Longhorns And SXSW And The manliness of its many manly men. ANND it's ridiculously high number of hot chicks per capita ANNND...well you get the point! :) )

There is nothing in this whole wide world like Springtime in Texas, a nice sunny beachside/poolside day in March, April, or May with a good "Grill Buzz" going and all the sixers of brewskis you can handle.

I was the REIGNING KING of days like those!

Seriously Daywalker folk, I had it all. The doofusly openy-open-Hawaiian hula shirts. The shark tooth beady-shell necklaces, the 1-gazillion watt turkey golden Ken Doll tan. Towel-popper's rash. Jock itch. (Okay T-M-I on that last one, sorry! :P )

I invented the whole "Matthew McConaughey" look before
Matthew McConaughey was even born.

Point is, I LIVED for this time of year. It was my paradise. Now the closest I get to it is maybe a pool or a Jacuzzi with some inflatable palm trees next to it at 2 AM. And those really dorky leis that look like they're made outta multicolored garbage bags made in China. Yeaaaaa-aaaah. Yee...haw.

Oh and bad Karaoke. Anyone care to hear a really ghost white dude sing himself some
I Am Woman for the 15th drunken time already this season? Heh. ;)

So yeah, sometimes when I'm about to go to bed, I'm watching the early morning news shows and I'm checking the over-day weather forecast, scratching my balls, etc, sure, I get to feelin' a bit sorry for myself.

When I know it's going to be Sunny with highs only in the low 80's, good tanning weather...but I'll be asleep right through it. That part sucks.

'Course THEN I get to thinking, about all I STILL get to do. I mean really, is it all that different? I still get to see beautiful women in skimpy swimming suits...a BIT lighter tanned (HA-HA) then I'm used to, but still nice and almost nekkid. I can still party when I want to, Hell, I can probably down more than twice as much alcoholic product if I were inclined, and who DOESN'T love gate-crashing a neighborhood's private pool at 4 in the morning?

We Vampires are the Olympic champions of that event, lemme tell you! LOL :)

Oh, and there's that whole little part about living for centuries, having "super powers" not getting older as quickly as anybody else you know....Hmmm.....I guess what I'm trying to say is, there's a tradeoff for everything.

So do Vampires have Spring Breaks? Heck yes, Of COURSE we do...just maybe it's not quick as kosher to what you're used to. It's really just all about having fun with friends...and we get down on that kind of action in spades!

You can still have a "sunny day" even when you do most of your living when in the pitch black!

Now, toss me another cold one. Oh, and bring me a towel...I got a fix on some chunky buttage on the horizon that I KNOW needs a good poppin' LOL :)

'Till next time...Keep enjoying your brand new Spring, Sunshiners!

--Chet

The Biggest Cock Blocker EVER

2012-04-17T01:15:00.001-05:00
Yeah yeah, once again a DOUBLE shot of video pimpage and Redneck Belly Laughs...

But hey, they're LAUGHS...as in hahaha, funny, teehee, a giggle, a chortle, a guffah, a...

(Uhh Remmy, what the HELL is a chortle? I know it has SOMETHING to do with laughter but, damn bro, that sounds freakin' nasty!! Let me go and, ummm finger around with my chortle...yeah, ewww.)

Old Vampires are so weird sometimes. ;)

Annyway, I think you get my point. This is supposed to be funny so, watch and enjoy particularly when it's someone else's pain...

Check out this "allegedly" Asian (what a shock!) young vlogger
Kevjumba D demonstrate once and for all why it was so very difficult for him to score...

WATCH!! I command you!! :P

That's almost as bad as having an ex-Marine Redneck *BURRRP* Dad,

So yes, I too can relate. But for now, I will laugh at you. Gently. But never chortle. Double eww.

--Chet

MORE Totally Sketch "The Morning After"

2012-04-16T00:22:00.001-05:00
If you've found a good go-to Youtuber to pimp cool videos for, why mess up a good thing?

(What are you looking at me for? I dunno, THAT'S why I asked you silly! :P )

But yeah, here's yet another vid clip from apparently very popular Youtube comedy site extaordinaire
Totally Sketch Exploring the *FUNNY* dangers of maybe spending the night with the wrong girl..

(And note that girl this time is played by equally very popular (and not half-bad-looking ;) ) Youtube personality and vlogger Jenna Marbles

Watch and enjoy, my delicious Sunshiner-Daywalker fan brood of brooders! B)

Oh yeaaah, the end is the clincher...No way will I EVER surrender to a cult Nickel"crack" devotee!! :P

--Chet

Razorblade Smile Reviews: Big Trouble In Little China

2012-04-12T18:51:00.003-05:00
Hey, I'm feeling like a little Takeout Chinese tonight, how about you? And you know what movie goes fantabulous with some Pork Fried Rice?

Duuuhh...take it easy with the General's Chicken, or you may find you have runny diarrhea and...

Big Trouble In Little China

Info:

Director-
John Carpenter

Writers-
Gary Goldman
David Z. Weinstein

Starring--
Kurt Russell
Kim Cattrall
James Hong

Year: 1986

Company: 20th Century Fox

The Basic Scoop, The Poop, The Lowdown:

A Trucker named Jack Burton (Russell) gets the one thing that matters most to him in the world "Jacked" (Captain Pun, at your service! ) from him...duh, he's a trucker, it's his 18-wheeler, AKA "The Porkchop Express" and its stolen in Little China. Which of course, is what begins all the "big trouble" in the first place... hence the title of the film. ;) Jack and his martial artist Chinese buddies must descend into Chinatown's secret underworld to battle an ancient evil called Lo-Pan (Hong) which is all WAY more than alleged "badass" Mr. Burton bargained for!

Let the whimsical Kung-fu Kickassery begin!

What's Pretty Good:

Of course being that this is a John Carpenter flick, there's certain standard "rules of the road" that go with his style, fast-paced action, sometimes over the top, but in a good way, classic anti-hero, anti-authority, lead characters, lots of dark humor and tongue-in-cheek gags, memorable special effects sequences. BTLC delivers on all those counts. This film is a solid tribute to classic kung-fu flicks of the late 60's and 70's and no doubt, had the late great Bruce Lee lived to see this film made, Carpenter probably would've wanted the former dude for a cameo.

Not necessarily that they could have afforded him on the films lower budget, but still...it's a thought.

Another great touch to this film is of course Kurt Russell's Jack Burton. At first glance to all three of you dofus eunichs who may not have seen this flick already but HAVE seen other Carpenter classics like Escape from New York and Escape From LA (Okay, MAAAAAYBE on LA calling it a classic is a stretch... :P lol)

...you may be thinking "Oh great, it's Snake Pliskin in a Kung Fu movie, laddee-FRICKIN'-dah!" And "What is that weird spot on my finger, I wonder if it looks infected.."

Err, nevermind dude, that's GROSS!

But as far as the FILM goes, that's the beauty of it. Even though Russell's Jack Burton character is listed as the star, he is really more of a cheesy clueless sidekick, a WANNABE Snake Pliskin...a gentle parody of Russell's previous hero incarnations, and he does so beautifully, complete with a rather funny "John Wayne hitch" in his voice.

Good stuff!

What Kinda Sorta Really, Really Sucks:

For one thing, that this film didn't get more play in its time. BTLC is really more of a "cult actioner" and that's probably because it really doesn't FIT PERFECTLY into one genre or another...which is why "Big Fox" shafted it in promotion, back then which is what Big Fox is NOTORIOUS for doing to really great, innovative quirky movies.

Nevertheless-age, there ARE some problems with it. The plot can be a little ridiculous and confusing at times, hard to follow, particularly if you're watching it for the first time, had to get up to take a ginormos shitsu halfway through. (Mongolian Beef DAMN YOU for being a terrorist to my delicate sexy bowels! :P )

The baddies and the Kung Fu dudes are really interchangeable. Heck, the first time you watch this, maybe even after the second or the 25th, you won't know what all the characters names are, (Yeah yeah, that "Rayden Guy" and the dude who looks like "Snufflopagus" You'll find yourself referring to characters in that way...a LOT.)

Oh yeah, and of course the soundtrack is crappy...but then again, this IS the 80's afterall...the "Golden Age Of Crappy Film Sountracks."

But its really not that big a deal, especially if you skip past the credits and the Coupe DeVilles song.

Oh yeah, and one more thing, why does the ancient Chinatown underworld look like a Mall Food Court, complete with escalator?

Meh. :P

Overall Grade: B-

BTLC is a good classic 80's action "PopCorn Flick" lots of cool explosions, WTF special effects, special moments of funniness and cheese. It deserved better than what it got back then, but we all can certainly appreciate this flick now.

It's a good little quirky "Summer Movie" with plenty of surprises and fun that never takes itself TOO seriously. Watch it with your good friends over some takeout Lo Mein Noodles and bloody goat entrails...oh, umm...that is IF your best buds happen to be Vampires...uhh..yeah.

I'm sure you can still substitute the entrails for egg rolls...or even Creme of Sum Yung Gui ;) lol

--Chet

Ask A Vampire 4-11-12

2012-04-11T19:22:00.007-05:00
For tonight, how about we clean out the old bag of a few...

Question: "Do Vampires Celebrate Easter?"

Chet Sez: If by "celebrate" you mean we go out stalking the night on a RAVENOUS MURDEROUS rampage not stopping until we've gruesomely slaughtered every last stinking PEEP we can find....then yes.

Particularly Trish, she's a crack addict for Peeps. Always stealing my Peeps out of my Easter braskest. I should smack her pixie Peep-thieving ass. Then again, maybe not, she might like that too much! :P

But yeah, here's an extra fun, FUN tip for you Daywalker guys. You wanna stop a Vampire? Don't use garlic, DON'T use crosses. Use Milk Duds, or Butterfingers, Or maybe those sorta-good, yet sorta gross tasting ChixStix candy thingies. Anything that gets stuck in our fangs is freakin' sucky on us.

Have fun with that. And You're Welcome.

(*Cue NBC PSA "The More You Know..." Riff here.)

The More You Know Jingle

Question: "Are There Vegan/Non Meat-Eating Vampires?"

Chet Sez: How about I be a nearly immortal pain in your butt-TOCKS and answer your question with a question. Have you ever seen a Tiger eat tofu? Or Colonel Sanders eat his weight in...umm...Legumes, or a pet turtle eat its own shi...err...nevermind. :P

Point is, NO, or at least, if it does happen, it ain't happening too often. Maybe one of those folk that calleth themselves "Psychic Vampires" or "Psy-Vamps" might do it, but the type of Nocturnal creature that I am says it's pretty much impossible'

You gotta get the red stuff from somewhere, and it has to be a formely living animal. Kinda hard to be one of us Vampies if you're not willing to do that.

Have a V8 creature of the night...AND DIE!! :P lol

Question: "What Do You Think Of The Twilight Saga?"

Chet Sez: I don't. Next question. :P

Question: "Is That Cartoon REALLY What You Look Like? How Come We Never Get To See Your Real Face Chet?"

Chet Sez: Alright dadgumit!! I keep getting this question over and OVER and OVER again!! Are you guys serious, and I mean seriously serious-serious?? Do You really, REALLY want to see what I look like 'cuz damnit, I'll give you the mug, the heater if you REALLY want it....but only just this ONCE....are you ready??

...Are you??

...Don't blink now....'

...cuz if you blink, you'll totally miss it and there's NO REFUNDS!!

Ready??

Here It comes....TAAAA-DAAAAAAH!!

MUAAHAHAHAHA!!

I SOOO had you!! Sike!! LOL

But in all seriousness, why?? Do you really think because I am Nocturnal that there would really be all that much different to my face than yours? I'm just a dude, a human. It's all the same stuff you've seen before right? Two eyes, a nose, a mouth, awesome reddish hair, maybe a tiny freckle or two, the bloated earwig coming out in a disgusting puddle of brain and puss from my right ear, a "facial mutated lactating teat" on my left cheekbone and,,,

Nah, I'm kidding!

But yeah, as Vampires go, I'm pretty well average looking. Most of the "effect" of being Nocturnal, the, "weird vibe" that Normies like you get comes from being AROUND us, not just seeing a pic of a real one, I think those of you who'd be expecting to see something "shock-mazing" in my real, REAL face would find themselves mostly kinda...disappointed.Dude, seriously, we're SUPOSED to blend in with you guys...for the most part. So...

I'm a pale...ish skinned sorta-redheaded white boy, with really big pointy teef...yeah.

Besides, if I showed my face to you, then you'd want to go and show me to all your friends, and then you'll wanna get me on the horn all the time to show up for your strip mall grand openings and shit, and that would just make my life a LIVING HELL! LOL ;)

But I DO have astoundingly HOT abs!! So there!!

Well, that's about all the time I'm willing to spend on this sorry stupid crap...err...I mean ALL THE WONDERFUL TIME we have for THIS WEEK for GREAAAAT :) questions, but as always...

If you really do have deep questions that you're just DYING to have answered by an actual Vampire, whether it be questions about the Vampire lifestyle, Nocturnal stuff, home decorating tips, advice for what breed of little monkey makes the best sideshow pet freak, how to make a kickass salsa dip for your dog or cat, or really dang near anything in general, mail them here to:

chettacular@yahoo.com

Just make sure you put "Questions For Chet" in the subject so I don't delete your precious email accidentally on purpose without reading it ...

And do have a great day Sunshiners!

(That way, tomorrow morning you'll be busy, and I can get some sleep!!)

--Chet

"The Reverse Casting Couch"- Totally Sketch

2012-04-10T00:01:00.002-05:00
I don't know why, but apparently I have a fetish for putting up stuff this week that was cranked out there way back in October...

But annnnywaaaay I stumbled on to this silly little video from a Youtuber site called Totally Sketch that puts an interesting twist on the classic "seedy/sleazy casting couch" Ummm...yeah.

I think you'll dig it...why? Becaue I'm a Vampire, and what I say will automatically have hypnotic power over you...muahahahaha.

(Or it could just be that I have a whole Easter Basket Full Of chocolate bunnies...Oh and because you're lazy and are too strained to click on the X out on my blog...Suckers!!)

Well whatever, I THINK It's funny, so neener-neener-nee!!

*grumbles* Hard to please Daywalkers! *snoort!*

LOL

-Chet

Hey, SPEAKING Of Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice 2 (No I'm serious!!)

2012-04-09T00:59:00.001-05:00
I don't know If maybe you're as big of a lazy bones doofus...err...I MEAN totally rad-awesome busy Nocturnal Super-Powered creature of the night like I am, and missed this video when it originally was post...

...Like, back in OCTOBER, but apparently there is a REASON why the movie channels that I pay WAY too much for are showing Beetlejuice over and over again...there's a good chance there's GOING TO BE A BJ II !!

(As in, a Beetlejuice 2, NOT that whatever movie that MAY or may not have starred Johnny Wad and Ron Jeremy...But really, there's going to be a sequel.)

Watch if you doubt me, watch if you doubters!

Yeaap, I have mixed feelings about it too, I mean, MK's a lot older now, and they like CGI-PIMP EVERYTHING nowadays, If they're SERIOUSLY going to do it, they need some of that old'timey stop motion stuff.

But if ANY of the old movies that they crap out sequels for actually DESERVES a sequel...then It's probably this one.

Cross yo'fingers, toes, and maybe your nipples that they get this one right...IF it's for real.

--Chet

Beetlejuce...Beetlejuice...BEETLEJUICE!!

2012-04-05T19:23:00.002-05:00
Havin' trouble with the living?? Yeah, it feels like one of those nights for me too. But when I have one of THOSE nights, you know who I pop on my DVR or Video thingmahicky too? Beetlejuice...

Beetlejuice...

Beetlejuice

Info:

Director-
Tim Burton

Writer-
Michael McDowell
Larry Wilson

Starring--
Michael Keaton
Alec Baldwin
Geena Davis
Winona Ryder

Year: 1988

Company: The Geffen Company

The Basic Scoop, The Poop, The Lowdown:

Adam and Barbara Maitland are just your uber average, uber All-American, uber-adorable, Uber-white, WHITE couple living in a small country town in one of the whitest, of white states in America (Connecticut) when they have a really bad day and unexpectedly, uhh...DIE. But that is only the beginning of the story, things don't get any better AFTER you're dead. Now they're ghosts, trapped for 150 years in their 'dream house" which has also just happened to have been bought by the Deetzs, AKA the most annoying 80's yuppie couple alive. Now the Maitlands want to scare the Deetz family out of their home, but they're much too nice...and you guessed it, WHITE, to do anything about it.

Who do they call?? Duuh, Beetlejuice!! The afterlife's (allegedly) leading bio-exorcist!! Not to mention the most disgustingly awesome slob of a ghost...ever.

What's Pretty Good:

It may have different names on the "story concept" and "screenplay" credits, but make no mistake, this is in every way a Tim Burton baby. It has all his signature trademarks, bizarre architecture, bizarre stop-motion animation, dark maca-BRE humor (shut yo mouth, I'll pronounce the word maca-BRE in your head however I want to! :P lol ) freakish visuals, and Danny Elfman's weird cartoony carney style gothic musical score...umm...idiom.

Hell, even Alec Baldwin comes off nice and folksy in this film!

All that said though, the REAL star of this film, the real make-or-break performance for all of it is...of course, Michael Keaton, aka BeetleGeuse/Juice. He may only appear for a grand total of around 17 minutes of screen time, but you remember every single minute of those 17 minutes! Keaton simply steals the show. He is totally committed to his boorishly loveable spook character, and his "sugar hyper" style never lets up with the laughs. The whole time you're watching this, you just can't help but think, "And THIS guy played Batman??"

In fact, what Nicholson did for Burton's Batman as The Joker, Keaton does here for Beetlejuice, he's the "villian" you can't help but love. Beetlegeuse grosses you out, makes you laugh your ass off, and makes you in the end, sympathize with him, all at the same time. You almost feel sorry that the movie has to end...the way it does anyway. But if nothing else, it's not out of character with the rest of the film, and as always, quite funny.

What Kinda Sorta Really, Really Sucks:

Not much as I'm sure by now you've probably guessed. This is one of those times when the first time viewer should look at the labeling on the coverbox carefully...if you don't dig Tim Burton's gothic-weird style, then you probably won't be so into this. If you see Beetlejuice/geuse for the first time on screen and he just annoys the crap out of you and you can't crack a smile, then this is not the movie for you...not to mention I question your humanity faaawwwwoool!! What the hell is wrong with you?? Yo momma should wash your foreskin out with soap!! lol :P

Oh yeah and seriously, there are some minor technical issues and some small, SMALL plotholes that MAY leave you scratching your fangs for a few minutes...err head... until the next laugh kicks in...but nothing too big to be concerned about.

Overall Grade: A+

An 80's cult comedy classic that has grown into a comedy classic in general over the years. Michael Keaton's favorite performance and probably the one that should be put on his tombstone...only question is whether it'll actually be in neon lights or not? ;)

A delightfully dark-humored little movie that is worth seeing anytime and is full of surprises...even AFTER you've seen it before.

*Nice F^%kin' Move!! HONK HONK!!* :P :)

--Chet

Questions For Chet

2012-04-04T17:04:00.001-05:00
How about we dip into the Vampire mailbag and tackle some more...

Question: "How Smart Are Vampires?"

Chet Sez: Smurt. Execkstreame LEE smurt! Chaint uwe tehl??

More like smart ASSED but that's a given. I've got to be me, man.

But to answer your question WITH a question, how smart are YOU? Or any of your human friends you know??

It varies right??

Same goes for us Vampires. Your I.Q.

doesn't really change when you get "The Bug" (unfortunately.) You just have longer to live so you have more time to learn more stuff.

Point of fact, Remmy not the highest I.Q. among us...he's about 128 I believe. Trish= 175 Me= 142 and some guy I know named Tice = -18

YESSS IT'S 142! No, really! I SWEAR!!

I'm as surprised by that result as you are. LOL

Question: "Dude, Do You Skate?"

Chet Sez: Sure!

( I skate THROUGH Life, by the Truth, and Reality every damn day! :P )

Actually, despite the fact that I had a large enough COCK to be a "licensed" skateboarder, but I also always had this pesky little annoying thing called a JOB and occasionally a LIFE which prevented me from partaking from such fine pursuits of such pursuity....ness.

NEXT!

Question: "What's The Fastest You've Seen A Vampire Move?"

Chet Sez: Well duh, do I REALLY need to answer that? I mean when do YOU move YOUR fastest? When after having partaken of extremely "questionable" Mexican cuisine, you rush to give a ready "offering" in one of these badboys maybe...

It happens. ;)

Or did you mean what as in, WHAT was the object that was moved? Umm...I did see a Vampire throw a leisure chair through the air like a baseball fastball once...and it would've been even faster than that except he had a fat baby sitting in the chair at the time...

LOL just kidding.

But in all honesty, it's a trick question and one I can't really answer for you the way you might want me to. BECAUSE Sunshiner, when a Vampire is moving their absolute fastest, you CAN'T see them move. It's just too fast. Even for our eyes. And even faster. Than these. Last. Few sentences. I've. Written.

All you can see is the semi-blur, and try to anticipate just exactly WHERE they'll end up so the shaving cream pie lands directly in their face as you intended and NOT on their...umm...I dunno...penis?? :P

Question: "What Does Human Blood Taste Like?"

Chet Sez: Like a day-old copper-plated rubber chicken.

What?? I'm serious!

But you wanna know what the big surprise about that answer is? I learned this fact BEFORE I became Nocturnal.

I mean really, do you need me to answer that one? You're a human (I...think? At least your nude butt chicks in the photo you sent from inside your janitor's closet look hu-) nevermind. point is, this is one you can find out for yourself in just a few easy steps.

Step 1: buy a skateboard, or a goofy looking "trick bicycle." from your local toy store. (Mind the screaming rugrats, their screaming mothers on crack rock, and the old pervs with their DELICIOUS candy.;) )

Step 2: Find a piece of motor oil-stained plywood to use as a curbside ramp.

Step 3: Attempt to jump something from curbside ramp, or do a 1080 Stalefish McTwist from less than two feet off the ground. Once you've made a complete ass of yourself, and in midst of people pointing and laughing at you, stick your fingers in the holes left in you by your epic fail. You'll either taste brain, your own poo (indicating you're in the WRONG hole) or paydirt.

Enjoy.

(Actually, I lied. I love skateboarding! :) )

Question: "Do You Like Going To DQ? And What's Your Favorite Ice Cream To Get?"

Chet Sez: Uhh, is a Texan a Texan, does a frog bump his ass when he hops, or do Texans bump frogs DEEP in the ass while they're hopping? ALL YESSSS!!

To not love DQ

and be a native born Texican is pretty much Blasphemy. But you knew that right?

Do any other flavors exist besides a Peanut Buster Pairfait??

Chet doesn't THINK so!!

(Oh, the Cookie Dough Blizzard isn't too shabby! )

Okay, I'll take on one more query, but I want this last one to have some top-heft and depth to her...

(Almost exactly word-for-word my last words before I passed out at the after-party for my ORIGINAL Senior Prom! ;) LOL )

Question: "I Think Someone I Have A Crush On Is A Vampire...How Do I Get Her To Like Me? How Can I Hook Up With A Vampire?"

Chet Sez: Have You tried hanging a piece of juicy rare steak out of your back pocket? Hell, if you wanna date, it works for me!

LOL j/k.

Hey, I hate to sound like a broken record here or anything, but what do you Daywalker Sunshiner humans do to each other when you want to let one another know you like each other? Strip naked, tar and feather yourselves, knock on the door and leave a dead bird on the doorstep of your beloved?

Hopefully not.

So why then would you presuppose (or postsuppose ) that us Vampires are any different when it cu--err COMES to love?? We're humans too after all.

Why don't you try, gee, I dunno, ASKING HER OUT maybe? Chances are, if she really IS one of us, she ALREADY KNOWS how you feel. (The whole super-sensitive and very observant thing.) So she's already and waiting for you to spill all over her what's in your heart...

(The...uhh...emotional stuff not the...well...YOU KNOW! ;) )

Now, if you're asking "How can I be the type of person who is romantically/sexually attractive to a Vampire?" like in a special sense, it's really not that hard or much different, BUT as I've said MILLIONS of times, we are EXTREMELY observant creatures.

So in other words, if you want to attract a new girlfriend with teeth to her loving, you might want to try being your own man. Unique, speaking up for yourself, different from the 1000's of OTHER guys she's met over her long, LONNNNNG lifetime, having your own opinions, being funny or PSSST: have some balls! Of course, having a nice set of abs can't hurt either!

Hope all that helps.

Good talk son.

Well that about does it for this week but as always...

....if YOU have any questions for yours truly about the Vampire life, pop culture, fine cheeses, whether your cuts look infected, whether you need a boob job, or any others in general, please mail them to me at:

chettacular@yahoo.com

Just make sure you put "Questions For Chet" in the subject so I don't delete your precious email accidentally on purpose without reading it ...

Have an UBER-fantastic Weekend peoples!!

---Chet