The Unwed Housewife

Wearing Makeup Does Not Make Me Insecure

2014-04-11T09:19:00.000-07:00

I recently read an article on Refinery29 about a blogger that has been harassed for not wearing makeup. She has been called ugly, told she'd look better if she wore makeup and just plain bullied. She stood up today to tell people that not wearing makeup does not make her ugly. Good for her! I honestly find it refreshing that she's willing to come out and stand up for her own personal choices.

I, however, am on the other end of the spectrum. I have an affinity for makeup. Nothing makes me happier than discovering a new product. I live for taking home that little $15 box from MAC and pulling out a fresh tube of Ruby Woo matte retro red lipstick every few months. I love when my grandma talks to me about how her mother used to use the same loose powder that I do. I wake up two hours earlier just so I can take my time doing my makeup pretty much daily. I've perfected both the cat eye and the smokey eye. I can wing my gel liner like an absolute pro. I LOVE makeup.

Sadly, I've received a lot of backlash over the years. The comments have varied but all are equally ignorant. A person once told me that I looked like a French whore. Of course, I took that and ran with it and now my friends call me that all of the time, but still. Another man told me that I look like a clown. A few people have said that my signature red lip is gross because red is the color of period blood and I must have sucked on my own tampon. That one was pretty out there. Notice that I said a few. Yes, more than one person on different occasions told me that little gem.

Those are all so ridiculous that it's funny though. What really bothers me are the serious comments. Comments that are out of pure ignorance and meant to try and "raise me up." I get told that I am so pretty and I don't need all of that gunk on my face. I've been told that I shouldn't feel the need to impress anyone. I'm obviously high maintenance and that's unattractive. My favorite is when I'm told that I lack self confidence and should be comfortable in my own skin.

All of those comments are such bull shit. Pure, stinky, fly infested bull shit. Ask anyone that knows me and they'll tell you that I'm the most confident person they've ever met. I'm not overly confident, but I love everything about myself. My freckles, my mole on my forehead that makes me stand out, my mild case of Rosacea that gives me naturally pink cheeks, my boobs, my butt, my curves, my hair. All of it. All 5'9 and 285 lbs of it. I am unabashedly honest with myself and I know every inch of myself. I'm not going on a body positive rant, which I could go on and on about, but this is who I am. Why spend my time hating myself? That being said, my love of makeup has nothing to do whatsoever with my confidence. I feel just as confident in a t shirt and boxer pants curled up on the couch marathoning a show with my fiance than I do in a curve hugging outfit that shows off my tattoos, victory rolls in my hair and retro glam makeup on. It's not a confidence thing.

I'm so far from high maintenance it's ridiculous. My makeup is primarily E.L.F which is so cheap but so good, Maybelline and Rimmel with as few more high end pieces by Sephora and MAC thrown in and my Coty Airspun Loose Powder. All in all my makeup collection is all under $70 and it lasts me forever. Literally. MAC is highly pigmented and I buy one lipstick every 6 months at the most. My eyeliner, powder and foundation last about three months and as far as eye shadows I have a few pallets that I've had for a couple of years with a few untouched. I do my own eyelashes, my own hair coloring and cutting and I do my own nails. My entire beauty regimen for a year costs about $200 if you include hair products and dye. If I were high maintenance that is roughly how much one Brazilian blowout would cost. No makeup included.

So why do I wear makeup? Because it's an art. Life is art. Every thing around us is art. my face is a canvas and my makeup is my paint. If I want to look like an old Hollywood beauty, I can. If I want to look like a wood nymph, I can. If I want to look goth or punk for a day I can and I have. Maybe I get a wild hair and want something Kardashian inspired because let's face it, they are annoying as hell but they have the best makeup looks, I fucking can. Before someone out there says that this makes me fake and I'm not being myself, please chew on your words for a little while. This IS who I am. I'm not wearing a mask. I'm not changing who I am. It's inspired art.

This in no way mean that I'm better than or lesser than a woman choosing to go bare faced. This is just my choice. The same way that the woman from the article above asked that her decision be respected and that the hatred towards her choice not to wear makeup stop, I'm asking that you think before spewing hatred towards those that choose to wear makeup. We are all special and beautiful in our own ways. Being hateful is not beautiful in anyway. I am not my makeup. I am not lacking in self confidence. I am not fake and I certainly don't use menstrual blood as a cosmetic. I am, however, creative. I am beautiful. I am confident. I am loyal. I am funny. I am honest. These are all traits more important than my choice to wear makeup.

I'm Still Crafting My Pants

2014-04-04T13:28:00.000-07:00

This isn't a blog post really. Just more shameless self promotion. Buy, share, pin and love. To order, contact me on the page Facebook or email me at Clairecavazos@yahoo.com. I accept Paypal.

Hand Sculpted Wizard of Oz Wicked Witch Ruby Red Slippers Bookmark- $8

Mark your spot in your favorite book using this cute bookmark printed with "Don't make me drop a house on you" with attached witch legs that peek out from underneath. Hand sculpted and painted legs with red glitter slippers and printed bookmark on recycled cardboard.

- Approximately 6 x 1 inches
- natural earth air dry clay
- hand painted with acrylics
- recycled cardboard backing
-red glitter shoes sealed with acrylic sealer

La Dama Mexican Folk art Jewelry box- $15
Box is approx. 2.5 x 4 inches acrylic on paper mâché with felt lining.

Distressed doll head planter - $30
Waterproofed, hand sculpted from natural clay then hand painted with acrylics and sealed.

Mexican Loteria Folk Art Heart Paper Weight -$10 Acrylics on pine with felt backing.

Alacran (Scorpion) Mexican Loteria Folk Art Paper Weight- $10 Acrylic on pine with felt backing.

I Craft My Pants

2014-04-04T13:14:00.001-07:00

You've probably noticed something different about the page. My absence for one. Lol! Just kidding. You're probably used to that by now. One thing that's different is wedding talk. Wedding? That's right, lovelies! The Unwed Husband finally decided to make an honest woman out of me. He proposed in the first hour of New Year's Day. We had a family get together. His original plan was that he'd propose 13 seconds (13 is my favorite number) until midnight, but I was way too frazzled so he waited. There I was, everyone had left and I served myself a heaping plate of BBQ and took a breather while complaining to him and watching a "Happy Endings" marathon on VH1. He told me, I noticed you were really stressed. It sucks because I didn't get to do what I wanted to do. Me, being unsuspecting forked more fajita into my mouth and asked him, "what did you wanna do?" He then got down on one knee looked at me and brought out a ring. I panicked and started yelling "OMG! OMG!" then proceeded to hand him my plate out of shock." Thankfully, he took it and put the ring on my finger. And now I'm an almost not Unwed Housewife.

Another thing you've probably noticed is my extra long absence. It's been longer than usual. Here's where the not so happy news comes in. I will always be candid about myself. I will also always be extremely open about mental health because I feel like it has this stigma surrounding it that needs to be broken down. I've been going through a large bought of depression and crippling panic attacks. Both are so bad that I'm in physical pain. I went to see someone professionally and was diagnosed with Bipolar II. I can finally say that I'm certifiably insane. Ha! Okay, not that funny, but humor is my coping mechanism. I'm controlling everything with meds right now, but I'm still dealing with some inner demons. Apparently, bipolar is the new chic illness to have so I'm pretty lucky that I'm "in" this season. It's okay. You can be jealous.

Now for the final thing I'm sure you've noticed. I'm whoring out my crafting skills, or at least attempting to. I'm failing pretty badly at it actually. See, I'm in a bit of a financial rut and I'm hoping to use my skills to make a side living. That being said, please look at the stuff below. There's something for everyone and it's all hand painted or sculpted and painted by me. I take Paypal and will ship to you. Shipping is included in the fee. Look around, share, pin, tell your friends and help me out. Here's a look at the cool coasters I've hand painted.

To order, contact me on the page Facebook or email me at Clairecavazos@yahoo.com. I accept Paypal.

Hand Painted Mexican Folk Art Loteria Coasters, set of 4- $25

The perfect splash of color to your decor. Colorful Mexican folk art coasters are sure to be a conversation starter. The Mexican bingo (Loteria) cards invoke a feeling of fun and will have you screaming "LOTERIA!" Also a great way to learn new words in Spanish.
Hand painted to match the background of the Loteria card on ceramic tile. Each vibrant piece of art is sealed to make it waterproof and backed with cork to make it more durable and scratch resistant on your coffee table.
- 4.25 x 4.25 inch dimensions
- wipe clean with damp cloth. Do not submerge in water
- do not microwave
- each set consists of 4
- hand painted with acrylics on ceramic tile and sealed
- recycled cork backing

Hand Painted RuPaul's Drag Race Coasters, set of 4- $25

Have the ultimate RPDR viewing party while creating your own Interior Illusions Lounge with these hand painted coasters to protect your table from your Absolute cocktail. Each features a different girl; Sharon, Jinkx, Bianca and Ben de la Creme.
Hand painted on ceramic tile. Each vibrant piece of art is sealed to make it waterproof and backed with felt to make it more durable and scratch resistant on your coffee table.

- 4.25 x 4.25 inch dimensions
- wipe clean with damp cloth. Do not submerge in water
- do not microwave
- each set consists of 4
- hand painted with acrylics on ceramic tile and sealed
- felt backing

Hand Painted Classic Horror Movie Poster Coasters, Set of 4- $25

Terrifyingly awesome classic horror themed coasters meant to send a chill down your spine while saving your table from the chill of your glass. Makes the perfect gift for any horror aficionado. Hand painted to coordinate with picture on ceramic tile. Each vibrant piece of art is sealed to make it waterproof and backed with felt to make it more durable and scratch resistant on your coffee table.
- 4.25 x 4.25 inch dimensions
- wipe clean with damp cloth. Do not submerge in water
- do not microwave
- each set consists of 4
- hand painted with acrylics on ceramic tile and sealed
- felt backing

Hand Painted Plus Size Pin Up Hilda Coasters set of 4- $25

Adorable Hilda, the plus sized pin up coasters will bring joy to any tea or coffee time. Each set contains 4 coasters with different scenes. Eachs are hand painted pastel colors to look vintage on ceramic tile. Each vibrant piece of art is sealed to make it waterproof and backed with cork to make it more durable and scratch resistant on your coffee table.
- 4.25 x 4.25 inch dimensions
- wipe clean with damp cloth. Do not submerge in water
- do not microwave
- each set consists of 4
- hand painted with acrylics on ceramic tile and sealed
- recycled cork backing

Luuuucyyyy, You Got Some 'Splaning to Do...

2013-07-09T19:46:00.000-07:00

I really hate to keep bringing this up so this is my last mention of it EVER. Pinky promise. I just feel like I owe an explanation to you guys because you're pretty awesome and things have been pretty confusing.

About a week or two ago I asked a food page to share one of my recipes. The woman fell in love with our page and said she would share it on her page as well as on the other page she admins, Mamas Uncensored. I thanked her and my likes increased
by 10 fold. I was, and still am, very grateful. There was no begging. There was no pleading.

Flash forward to about three days ago. I was on a page called Self Proclaimed Bitches. The admin was very loud and annoying. She posted about it being okay that people have fancy cars and are on welfare. I commented with "I'm unliking this page." Butthurt ensued and she told me to "Suck a nut.' I replied with "Maybe if you sucked a nut and charged, you wouldn't need to be on welfare." Childish, I know. It was in the heat of the moment. Well, a slew of slores jumped in and one thing lead to another and I called someone's adult daughter a whore. They lost their shit. No joke. It turned into a battlefield and the other side shared one brain cell. I was entertained.

And then it happened.

Apparently, the admin for that page was also the admin of the other page that shared me. So what did she do? She shared my page and called for a raid of our page. LOL! By raid I mean a bunch of vag owners came in and said things like "You just jelus I married and you unwed house hoe." or "You're food looks like poop." This was also accompanied by a lot of other insults that sounded a lot like "unnnngh mleh bleeeeeeeeee."

Needless to say, it brought some big time lols. In case you guys aren't aware, a large majority of the page has retired "trolls." We used to go around the internets having fun and making people laugh. Back before trolling was lame and pretty much the equivalent of spitting out foam and expecting people to like it.

Also, they started reporting our page because they were that butthurt.

Also, everything backfired, it's brought the page closer together and it's given us some new fans that were tired of the other page's whining and lameness.

So here are some facts, just to clarify:

Despite, what you've heard, I am not John Goodman in a dress.

I am nowhere near a goodie, goodie. I curse, drink, party and I can be quite cunty. I just don't see a point in being trashy. I am educated and I enjoy not being a complete fuckwad. I don't think I'm above anyone, I just like to conduct myself in a certain way. There's always a time and a place. I know how to act in public. Seriously though, I'm not going to sit there and let someone take blows at me. Just because I can hit harder, does not mean that I'm the bad guy. I just think they aren't used to smart people. I get that.

Unwed housewife is just a page name. It is what describes my current situation. I've been with my bf for 4 years. We're very much in love. We have a very traditional husband/wife relationship, but we are not married. It explains a lot of modern relationships.

The woman who's daughter I called a whore first started by insulting me. I only served her dish back to her on a silver platter and apparently it was too hard to swallow. She threatened to shank me. I asked if she learned that from her daughter's pimp.

I don't report people. I did block the raiders, but I never reported an admin or a page.

I would never call a child a whore. Really. WTF

Last but not least: Coq Au Vin is chicken soaked and cooked in wine. It's purple. If your poop is purple, seek medical help immediately.

And DONE! Let's go on with the page and share some damn recipes!

Why hello there. I've been expecting you.

2013-07-02T19:09:00.000-07:00

This little tiny blog has exploded from 240 followers to over 2.5 thousand and I really want to take this time to thank you. You are all amazing and you make my heart happy. There's just oooooone little thing. I think I need to explain the blog and Facebook page.

I'm a 26 yr old tattooed, pierced, pink haired foodie. I live with my boyfriend of four years. I'm very traditional but modern at the same time and I love to cook. A lot. It's gotten to the point where we hardly ever go to restaurants because I would rather cook at home. My other passion is writing. I'm a few courses away from a Journalism degree. Finances got in the way. Life happens. It's fine. Put those together and have you got? ~~Bibbity Bobbity Boo~~ This blog!

That's ME! In a bathroom. Not using it. Just making fishy faces. That's normal, right?

Welcome. Take a seat. Try the cookies.

Now that my little bio is out of the way, I feel that it's important that i stress that this is also a humor blog. Nothing is supposed to be taken too seriously. I make fun of cheflebrities, shows, networks and life in general. I have the sense of humor of a 15 yr old boy sometimes and a sad internet addiction so expect sarcasm, cursing and memes. You can also expect awesome recipes.

So far I've only seen a few comments from people that thought this was going to be some sort of ode to Martha Stewart. The hell, guys? Seriously? No.

One thought that I was racist for supporting Paula Deen and being from Texas and another was mad because I was rude and called Sandra Dee a lush. Guys? Seriously. WTF, guys? I will post a few green smoothie recipes at a later date to help loosen that constipation.

I definitely encourage sharing recipes. I will post. Revised versions of my own recipes are definitely encouraged. The fresher, the better. I love budget meals that use fresh ingredients. I have a pretty strong aversion to pre-made stuff, but I do sometimes have makeover recipes for those kind of meals. Need help with a recipe? Ask me. I'll give pointers and post that other members can give their advice as well.

Other than that, the main rule is HAVE FUN! Post. Share. Like. Comment. Invite.

And now a recipe for what I made last night. My cheapy version of Chicken Marsala.

Chicken Marsala Feeds 2

2 boneless skinless chicken breasts, pounded or butterflied

2 C fresh sliced mushroom

1 medium yellow onion, sliced

1 C white wine (traditionally masala, but I used Pinot. Use whatever is on sale)

2 TBS cream cheese

salt, pepper, garlic to taste

1 tsp butter

2 TBS olive oil

Season chicken with s,p and g.

Heat olive oil in a large skillet and brown chicken on both sides. Do not scrub pan. See that brown goodness? That's flavor gold!

Place chicken in oven preheated to 350F until fully cooked.

Meanwhile, in the same pan, add butter and saute onion until almost soft.

Add in mushrooms and continue to saute until both onions and mushrooms are soft.
Stir in cream cheese until melted,

Add white wine and let boil.

Remove from heat.

Serve sauce over chicken breast and brown rice.

Drink the rest of the wine. You deserve it.

Watch as people are amazed at how freakin' gourmet you are.

Paula Deen Riding Racism

2013-06-21T16:58:00.001-07:00

I felt that I needed to post a blog regarding this. I am not really that big of a fan of Paula Deen. I love cooking shows, but her cooking is not really my style. I am more of a Cooking Channel girl. Food Network lost me long ago when every other show on their channel was Guy Fieri with his God awful 90s hair and Smash Mouth front man persona. Stop trying to make 90's hair happen. It's not going to happen. No sir. I'll take Nadia G's alterna-gourmet or Alex Guarnacelli over Guy, Rachel Ray's polypy voice and Paula's artery clogging crap ANY DAY.

That being said, the recent controversy over Paula Deen is complete bs. Let's start out with a few facts.
1. Paula Deen said the n-word.
2. It was said at a plantation themed wedding almost 30 years ago.
3. The woman suing her is white.
4. Did I mention she said this in 1986?
5. 1986! I wasn't even born. My parents were still honeymooning.

Just let all of that soak in like Dawn soaking into the grease soaked pans that I'm sure are a daily thing around the Deen household.

27 years.

Now Food Network has fired her. The same network that gave Sandra Lee two other shows after she made that ridiculous Kwanzaa cake. Frankly, I found that cake more in poor taste than something Paula said almost 30 years ago.

The trailer park called, Sandra. Sadly, not even they wanted you back.

Here's my thing. Paula said that she is sorry for having done this 27 years ago and that she isn't like that anymore. There are athletes that have raped and murdered. They are still athletes. Michael Vick murdered dogs for entertainment. He's still a football player. Michael Jackson admitted to sleeping in the same bed with young boys. If you bring this up to anyone, they freak the hell out and tell you to focus on his music not his personal life. Frankly, I think his music sucked about as much as he sucked off litt- okay, off topic. Back on point. I just don't see how rape, murder and child molestation (even if just alleged) is less of an offense than saying a horrible word 30 years ago. It wasn't until recently that I stopped saying "you're so gay" or "man, that's retarded." It was part if the vernacular in the 90s and early 2000s. We evolve. We are constantly learning. I'd never do that today.

I'm not condoning her actions, but isn't it a bit odd to bring up her language from almost 30 years ago? It sounds like someone is trying to cash in on her royalties. Either way, it really doesn't effect me. I never really watched her show too much. I am just not a fan of how politically correct people have become. Had this happened recently, I'd be livid, but 27 years ago? Come on.

Now, on to more important things. We need to stop Ina Garten. Just stop her. She's a horrible individual. She wouldn't even let a kid with cancer cook with her. She makes me want to slap babies and drown puppies. Also, my Coq Au Vin is 10x better than hers and I'm only a semi-fem douche.

She even pops her collar like a douche. No wonder Jeffrey is never home.

I Believe I Can (stir) Fry

2013-05-25T21:27:00.000-07:00

It finally happened. The Unwed Husband and I finally moved into our own place. It was an extremely long process. We started off in our own place in my hometown in Texas, moved to Idaho, came back a year later and worked our way back to the top. Now we're here and it's been awesome. It seems that I started my culinary ventures backwards though. For the past two or three years I've been cooking for families. Now I'm finding it hard to cook portions for two people. All that means is leftovers though. Nobody is really complaining.

That being said it's time for me to get back into what I was trying to do in the beginning. I really need to keep this blog up and running. It's pretty ridiculous that I've left it abandoned. That's not cool at all. Maybe, if I had more comments and shares, (old school MySpace like-whore say what? JOIN MY LIKE TRAIN EL OH EL!) I'd have an incentive to write more. Ahem..

Just kidding, lovelies. It's honestly 100% my fault. I've been busy and lazy and sometimes I honestly just forgot. My apologies.

Now it's that part of the blog post after the apology where I act like a parent that neglects their children and I lavish you with gifts in the form of culinary knowledge. Usually these gifts include either chocolatey pieces of Heaven or cheesy comfort foods that will put you in a euphoric haze that will make you forget alllll about how crappy I am at keeping up with the whole blogging thing. Well, not this time. See, lately I've been on a bit of a health kick and my meals have become a lot healthier. So, this time, I'm going to act like a real parent and I'm serving you veggies and healthy protein with seafood. An Asian fusion, and you're going to like it, ~~or else~~ I promise.

The dish I'm going to provide you with is inspired by local Chinese buffets. (Buffet? Healthy? Yeah. I know. Shut it. Nobody asked you.) I've lived in various places all over America and I've only found this in my hometown. I'm sure it has to do with the strong Latin American influences and the access to fresh shrimp daily. I really don't know. All I know is that it's freakin' delicious and I've mastered the art of making it. Right down to the shredded Iceberg Lettuce. Yes, Iceberg Lettuce. I have tried Bok Choy, regular cabbage and even endive. It calls for wilted Iceberg. Don't judge until you've tried it. And now, here is the moment you've all been waiting for, especially you, Evalinda.

Drum roll please... padadadadadadadadada

Jalapeno Chicken and Shrimp

serves: 4

2 carrots sliced

2 chicken breasts chopped into 1/2 in pieces

1 lb raw shrimp, shelled and deveined

1 jalapeno, sliced

1 onion, chopped in large pieces for texture

2 cloves garlic, minced

1 tsp salt

1 tsp pepper

2 tbs oil

1 C shredded iceberg lettuce

Heat oil in wok or large pan.

Once hot, add in carrots, onion and garlic. Cook until onion is almost translucent.

Add in chicken, jalapeno and all seasonings. Stir continuously and cook until chicken is no longer raw.

Add in shrimp, continuing to stir until shrimp is completely opaque (about 2-3 minutes) and be careful not to over cook it.

Remove from heat and stir in iceberg lettuce. Cover and let the lettuce wilt.

Serve over steamed white or Basmati rice.

You Can Take Your Hamburger Philanthropist Hand and Shove It: Day 3 of Leftover Makeovers

2012-11-28T18:36:00.002-08:00

I know, I skipped a day. In my defense, I came home from work, ate and passed out. I was so cranky and mean yesterday too. I forgot what getting over 5 hours of sleep was like. I feel great today.On the bright side this means that I will be posting until Saturday instead of until Friday. Lucky you.

Last night we took the Unwed Husband's very small amount of leftover amazing three cheese homemade mac and cheese and whipped up some non-preservative and sodium monitored gourmet Chili Mac. This isn't your average Hamburger Helper lazy day Chili Mac. This featured delicious homemade chili and fresh cheese that you just can't get from that bleeding heart son of a bitch smiling glove.

This Mac and Cheese is literally food for the gods. It's rich and creamy and honestly even good lumped up and cold like this.

Pictures can not begin to describe how amazing this remake was.

Refurbished Chili Mac

2 lbs of ground beef

1 onion, chopped

1 green bell pepper, chopped

2 tomatoes, chopped

1 stalk of celery, chopped

4 TBS chili powder

2 TBS cumin

Salt and Pepper to taste

1 cup of water

1- 8 oz can of tomato

1 cup of cheddar cheese

1 lb of cooked macaroni and cheese (Add in extra macaroni if needed)

1/2 C real mayo made with olive oil

Saute all veggies and set aside.

Brown ground beef and drain.

Place cooked veggies in a large pot with cooked beef.

Stir in all ingredients except for cheese and macaroni.

Allow to simmer for about an hour or two.

Add in mac and extra cheese and stir.

Stir in mayo until creamy.

At this point you can also add in extra add ins. My recommendations would be olives, a variety of beans, mushrooms, sun dried tomatoes, jalapenos and/or fresh tomatoes.

Papas Can You Hear Me? Day 2 of Leftover Makeovers: Mashed Potato Latkes

2012-11-26T19:56:00.000-08:00

Let me just start this off by saying I really hope this doesn't offend anyone of the Jewish faith. If anything, you should be flattered. The reason I'm saying this is because I have a confession. Although I was raised a Hispanic Catholic girl from the south, I have this unnatural obsession with being a Jewish New Yorker. I'm not sure where this obsession came from other than my upbringing where "Funny Girl" was shown alongside "Sesame Street" and "Don't Rain on My Parade" was just another lullaby. Once I grew up it became marathons of "The Nanny" and I was obsessed with the glamorous stereotype.In second grade one of the teachers was a lovely woman named Mrs. Weizmann During the holidays she taught us all about Hanukkah the traditions and the food. Three things happened that day. One, I begged my mother to become Jewish so I could have 8 Christmases (yeah, I know that's not quite right now). Two, I went home with my own dreidel and learned the dreidel song. Three, I tasted Potato Latkes for the first time and was hooked.

It's day two of Leftover Makeovers and dinner was one of my family's absolute favorites; breakfast for dinner buffet. The menu consisted of their choice of leftover ham, bacon, eggs, pancakes and Potato Latkes made of leftover mashed potatoes. It was heavenly. So heavenly in fact that I forgot to take a picture and by the time I remembered, they were all eaten up.

This is not my picture but it looks like it could be. That's all that matter's, right? Screw copyrights! I'm a Google rebel.

Mashed Potato Latkes

2 cups mashed potatoes
1 large egg, beaten lightly
6 tablespoons all-purpose flour
3 TBS onion powder
Salt and pepper
Vegetable oil, for frying

Preheat oven to 250 degrees.

In a bowl combine well the potatoes and the egg, stir in the flour thoroughly, and stir in the onion powder salt and pepper, to taste.

In a large heavy skillet, heat 1/8-inch of the oil over moderately high heat until it is hot but not smoking. Fry heaping tablespoons of the potato mixture, flattening them slightly with the back of the spoon, for 1 minute on each side, or until they are golden brown. Transfer the pancakes as they are cooked to paper towels to drain and if desired, keep them warm on a rack set on a baking sheet in a preheated 250 degree oven.

Cornbread Dressing Gets a Hot New Look on This Episode of Leftover Makeover

2012-11-25T15:22:00.002-08:00

Thanksgiving is over, the family is getting ready to vacate your house, you've sent off plates of leftovers to everyone but you still have leftovers to feed a small third world country? I can relate. My family is very much into cooking. This year, with me and the UH here, there was a lot of fresh takes on old favorites including Bacon Weaved Turkey, Praline Ham, Cornbread Dressing, Green Bean Casserole, Mashed Potatoes, Candied Yams from scratch, gravy and the inclusion of the UH's amazing homemade Mac and Cheese. After everything, it doesn't even look like we've made a dent in the side dishes.

I know that most sites feature leftover recipes for leftover turkey. Let's get real though, is leftover turkey really a problem? I have no problem sneaking to the kitchen for a small handful of cold turkey. A small handful of mashed potatoes? Not so much. The problem lies in the side dishes. After awhile the potatoes start getting that gross water, the dressing gets a gross color and the gravy looks like a science project. I'm here to help that. There is no need to make eating leftovers a monotonous chore. Your leftover dinners can be completely different every night. It's like thrift store eating. You shop at a thrift store, buy something someone else wore to death, bring it home and jazz it up into something new. Well, there's no reason you can't do that with leftovers.

Today's revamp? Leftover stuffing turns into beautiful Hush Puppies for a weekend fish fry. You can definitely make these healthy and bake them, but my theory is that you're taking little balls of sugary carbs and rolling them in more carbs. If you're really wanting to be healthy, why are you eating this in the first place? Bring on the oil, baby. Bring on the oil.

Cornbread dressing was in a slump. Sure, the first few days of her existence was grand and nobody could keep their hands off of her. After awhile though, she got tired of being in the same old routine. She needed help and we here at The Unwed Housewife were more than happy to come to her rescue.

A few minutes later, a new coat and a hot oil dip and look at her now. Gorgeous! Also, she multiplied. It's weird, yes, but who are we to judge? You go, girl!

Leftover Dressing into Hush Puppies

2 C leftover cornbread dressing

1 C plain bread crumbs

enough oil to deep fry in

Heat oil in medium sized pot or deep fryer.

Take about 1 TBS of dressing and roll into a ball.

Roll dressing ball into bread crumbs and coat completely.

Repeat until all dressing is formed into balls.

Drop into hot oil and fry until golden brown.

Take out and drain on paper towels, newspaper or paper bags.

Serve along with fish and chips.

When Apologizing, It's Always Best to Use Bacon

2012-11-20T17:09:00.000-08:00

I know, it seems like most of these blog posts have an apology for why I haven't been able to post lately. This time I'm not even going to explain it because it honestly just has to do with me being lazy.That's right. I'm lazy. How lazy? Well, I had this whole blog post written about a month ago and I just now got around to editing it. Yeah. That's pretty lazy. That's why I have a surprise. Not only am I posting my amazingly delicious Bacon Maple Cupcake recipe, but I'm also linking you to the most amazing Brown Butter Pumpkin Cupcakes with Caramel Cream Cheese frosting. They are the perfect addition to a Thanksgiving dessert buffet. I took these to work on Monday for our Thanksgiving potluck and they were a huge hit.

I'm just going to keep this short and sweet because I know why you're reading this, you probably want bacon and honestly I'd like to fit a nap in before "New Girl" because today was exhausting.
And now for my apology recipe; Maple Bacon Cupcakes. Trust me, it sounds odd, but it's not. Think outside of the Duncan Hines box. Relax, lay back, pour yourself some coffee and enjoy the breakfast explosion in your mouth (that's what he said). It's like bacon and pancakes with syrup (Also what he said. He lied.).

Maple Bacon Cupcakes with Candied Bacon

Butter Cake:

1 cup butter, softened

1 1/2 cups sugar

4 large eggs

3 cups all-purpose soft-wheat flour

1 tablespoon baking powder

1 teaspoon salt

1 cup milk

2 teaspoons vanilla extract

Paper baking cups

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Beat butter and sugar at medium speed with an electric mixer until creamy. Add eggs, 1 at a time, beating until blended after each addition. Combine flour, baking powder, and salt; add to butter mixture alternately with milk, beginning and ending with flour mixture. Beat at low speed until blended after each addition. Stir in vanilla.

Place paper baking cups in 2 (12-cup) muffin pans, and coat with cooking spray; spoon batter into cups, filling two-thirds full. Bake for 12-15 minutes or until a wooden pick inserted in center comes out clean. Cool in pans on wire racks 10 minutes; remove from pans to wire racks, and cool completely. While cupcakes are cooling make Candied Bacon.

Candied Bacon:

12 strips of raw bacon cut into quarters

1/2 C brown sugar

Preheat oven to 400 degrees. Place bacon and brown sugar in zipper sealed bag and shake until bacon is coated. Lay each piece on a baking sheet and bake for about seven minutes, flip bacon and then bake for five minutes more. Bacon should be crispy and sticky like toffee.

*Tip* The bacon grease and brown sugar forms an amazing sweet and salty toffee candy. It's an added bonus.

Maple Frosting:

1 cup butter

1 (16-oz.) package dark brown sugar

1/2 cup evaporated milk

1/4 teaspoon baking soda

1 tablespoon light corn syrup

4 cups powdered sugar

2 teaspoons maple flavoring

To prepare frosting, melt butter in a heavy saucepan over medium heat. Add brown sugar; bring to a boil, stirring constantly. Stir in evaporated milk, baking soda, and light corn syrup; bring to a boil, stirring occasionally. Remove from heat, and let cool. Transfer caramel mixture to a large bowl. Gradually add powdered sugar to caramel mixture; beat at medium speed with an electric mixer until creamy. Stir in maple flavoring. Beat at high speed 2 minutes or until creamy. Frost using a cupcake tip, or just dip the cupcakes into the frosting for a nice even coat. Top with the candied bacon and enjoy.

I'm Only Happy When I Pretend to Be Shirley Manson in the Rain

2012-10-01T16:44:00.001-07:00

I may not be the lead singer of Garbage, but I'm okay with that. It would be kind of awkward to have peaked in the mid-nineties when I was about 10 and my only accomplishment in life was leading not only a Spice Girls fan club, but a Saved By the Bell fan club as well. Also, there's lots of other things that make me happy, not just rain. This is probably a good thing since there's been a drought and only being happy when it rains would mean living a very depressing life.

That being said, I LOVE the rain. LOVE it. I may not be ONLY happy when it rains, but I am incredibly giddy when it does. My family makes an event of it. We always have. Whether it's taking a drive in the rain or making a family movie night, we always plan some sort of rainy weather activity. We are nothing like those whiny little assholes from "The Cat in the Hat." Seriously, what the hell? I can't be the only ones that could relate to the mom abandoning them while it rained. Those kids were whiny. Who whines when it rains despite have a freakin' TALKING GOLDFISH? They do apparently. So ungrateful.

The whole reason for all of this rain talk is that it's finally my favorite season and it finally rained. Not just rained, it poured. It was the most beautiful thing in the world. Fall weather and rain. Love it! How did we celebrate? Movies and an old classic with a grown up twist; tomato soup and grilled cheese. How did I make it with a grown up twist? I put my own spin on Chef Alex Guarnaschelli's Charred Tomato Soup and served it with delicious Panini. Before I post the delicious recipes, I have to ask: has anyone else gotten grief from people over the word "panini?" I have had angry hoards (like 3 people) get mad when I say paninis because apparently "panino" is the singular form and "panini" is already a plural. Paninis, panini. Who cares? It's a delicious smushed sandwich.

Charred Tomato Soup

2 TBS Canola Oil
12 Roma tomatoes, washed, core removed and a small "x" cut in the bottom
salt
1 TBS sugar
1 C white wine (I used Pinot Grigio)
6 cloves garlic, peeled and sliced thin
2 medium onions, diced
1/4 tsp crushed red pepper flakes
black pepper
2 tsp dried oregano
1 (28 oz) can whole peeled tomatoes
1 C water
2 C low fat Mozzarella
Sour cream
green onions

In a large cast iron skillet heat oil.
Place all Roma tomatoes inside and sprinkle with salt and sugar.
Allow skin to char a bit and carefully turn them. This part is labor intensive, but builds the flavor so much.
Once lightly charred all over, pour in 1/4 C of wine and simmer on low.
In a soup pot cook onions and garlic until tender.
Add in oregano, red pepper flakes and whole can of tomatoes with liquid.
Stir in water and add charred tomatoes and the rest of the reserved wine but NOT the liquid in the cast iron skillet.
Stew for about an hour or two.
Once tomatoes are tender and flavors have married, take a hand blender or pour chunky soup in blender and puree until smooth.
Top with cheese, sour cream and/or green onions.

*I usually make mine a day ahead and store in the fridge in order to allow all of the flavors to mature.

Panini
Panini can literally be made of anything you would put in a sandwich. For the one pictured above we went to the deli and bought hard salami and deli pepperoni sliced the thinnest they could slice, some provolone, mozzarella, grilled green and red bell peppers, grilled onions and arugula. We placed all of the ingredients on bolillo rolls and pressed them on the George Foreman grill. You really can't go wrong with these.

Why I Fed Chicken Parm to a House of Zombies

2012-09-27T17:23:00.001-07:00

I was really sick for a few days. Actually, everyone at my house was sick. It was like the movie "Contagion" in here. I spent the rest of my check on cold and flu medicine. I have insurance now and probably should have gone to the doctor, but I come from a long line of people that believe in the healing properties of Vick's Vapor Rub, NyQuil, Alka-seltzer, Sprite and Chicken Soup.

It must work though because after that medical routine and two days of being quarantined, we all made it back to work today. Well, maybe not so much "made it" as much as "we had to drag ourselves to work because that's what responsible adults do" -or some crap like that. I don't know. This whole mature adult thing is new to me. I'm still finding it hard to hold my tongue and not talk back if someone tries to correct me. I'm doing a good job of it though. I'm even keeping my cool with irate clients. I think the lovely paycheck and benefits have encouraged that. Whatever works, right?

All of my time at work is spent sitting down answering phones. I'm actually enjoying that, however I'm not exactly a dainty girl and I fear that I'll become Honey Boo Boo's thumb Mom. I just don't think I could pull off the melting into yourself look.

And yes, if you're counting that most certainly is the second reference to Honey Boo Boo in one week.

This fear of becoming Honey Boo Boo's mom has lead to me looking for healthier alternatives. For instance lunch today was a homemade turkey gyro on a wheat pita (because if you follow us on Facebook you know about my disdain for the crap served at the work cafeterestaurant), carrot and celery sticks with homemade Tzatziki (strained Greek Yogurt with shredded cucumber and minced garlic) and Coconut Water. It was amazing. I have fancy lunches.

So, I've been revamping old meals into something at least a tad bit healthier. Sadly, only half of the people that I cooked for could even taste anything I made last night. What's that? You want to know what I made for dinner? Well, lovelies, you're in luck. Not only do I have the picture of what I made, but also the recipe. ENJOY!

Chicken Parmesan Serves 6

3 boneless skinless chicken breasts

2 egg whites

1/2 C milk

2 C Italian Breadcrumbs

Non-stick Cooking Spray

1 C fat free Mozzarella

4 C marinara (I used Fresh Mushroom Prego since I did not have the time or energy for homemade. Sue me.)

Preheat oven to 350*F

Pound each chicken breast to 1/4 inch thickness and then cut in half.

Beat egg whites and milk together.

Dip chicken pieces in mixture and then toss in breadcrumbs to coat.

Spray cooking spray on large cookie sheet.

Place coated pieces on sheet and then spray pieces with spray.

Bake for about 25 minutes or until golden brown and cooked all the way through.

Top with about 2 TBS marinara and about 1 TBS cheese.

Place back in oven until melted. About 2 minutes.

Serve on top of spaghetti topped with extra sauce with a side salad.

When Life Gives You Vodka, Drink It, but Occasionally Mix it with Pudding and Whipped Cream

2012-09-25T16:40:00.000-07:00

I know I've been slacking, lovelies. Times have been crazy. Just kidding. I've been a lazy ass. I really have. There is no excuse. Work isn't very strenuous, I come home, cook (not a chore if you love it), watch TV and then tell myself that I'll definitely blog tomorrow. The next day I go through the same process until it's Saturday, I'm blogless and I'm sleeping late then shopping or lounging around. I really don't have an excuse for neglect. Thank God I'm childless or my children would be starved and injured laying somewhere on the floor begging for my attention.

Okay, maybe that's a bit drastic, but this blog is my baby and I've definitely neglected it. Not so much Dina Lohan neglect, but definitely along the lines of Honey Boo Boo neglect minus the whole looking like I'm melting into myself thing.

Never fear, lovelies! I come bearing gifts. Not just any gift. Gifts of Vodka. Not just any Vodka. CHOCOLATE vodka. Not just ANY chocolate Vodka. Chocolate Pudding Vodka shots.

I'll just pause here to let you guys ~~finish your orgasm~~ wake up from fainting with delite.

When it comes to chocolate flavored vodka, go crazy with it. Try different brands. I like Godiva, but 360 Double Chocolate Vodka is just as amazing, if not more amazing. It's also cheaper and if you're into all that green recycling stuff, you can mail in the top and they reuse it or something like that.

And yes, that is a shot glass in the picture. It's shaped like a mini mug. I used to serve my little God sister hot cocoa in these. AGAIN, another reason it's a good thing I don't have babies yet. All I have to say is that kid can shoot hot chocolate with the best of 'em now.

And now, the pièce de résistance! I copied and pasted that word to make it seem fancier for you. Are you impressed yet? Oo la la!

Chocolate Pudding Shot
1 (3/2 oz) package instant chocolate pudding
3/4 C milk
3/4 C Chocolate flavored Vodka
1 (8 oz) container Extra Creamy Cool Whip
1 can Whipped Cream for topping

Mix pudding and milk until well blended.

Add Chocolate Vodka and mix well.

FOLD in container of Cool Whip

Divide into 1 oz plastic cups or keep in container

Store in freezer until serving time.

You can serve these in 1 oz shots or go all out and just make large adult parfaits. Either way, top with Whipped Cream and indulge.

Foodie is Just a Fancy Word for "Holy Shit, I Love to Eat!"

2012-09-14T21:02:00.000-07:00

Gluttony. Indulging. Overeating. Awesomeness. Call it what you want. All I know is that I really enjoy being a foodie and today has definitely been a foodie's dream come true.

Okay, maybe that's a bit of an exaggeration. It was a really great day though. Part of that had to do with the office pot luck that I was somewhat of the unofficial secretary for. By somewhat, I mean that I just want a fancy title for rewriting a list where people signed up to bring stuff. It's all about the title, dahling.

I have honestly never been to a potluck where people actually tried and the product was delicious. This may have something to do with the fact that most of my potlucks have been at my mom's apartment complex. Let's just say that the laziness is very present with this group. Boxed stuffing and instant mashed potatoes are just not something I'll subject my own family too, much less people that I'm going to try to impress with my cooking.

There was a wide array of different foods. I had tortilla soup, poblano soup, chips, dip, 1/4 of a tuna sandwich, mexican cornbread, 7 layer dip, chicken alfredo, a piece of chicken, chicken alfredo, meatballs, a deviled egg, death by chocolate pudding, brownies and soda.

I only ate a smidgen of each thing but I can honestly say that everything was so great. I took Chicken Tortilla Soup and it received rave reviews. I seriously thought that I had already posted the recipe for it in here, but apparently I forgot to add it. If I believed in having a weekly routine, this dish would be in the mix. I like to switch things up too much though, but I have been known to serve this twice a month. That's a big deal for me. This recipe is so cheap, easy and full of Latin flavor that it could be renamed Melanie Griffith's Vagina with the only difference being that people will actually want to eat the soup.

Too much? Yeah, I'm stopping. Here's the recipe.

Again, I apologize for the lack of pictures. I did find a picture of Melanie Griffith though. Yes, THIS is Antonio Banderas's wife. Mrs. Puss in Boots. Are you crying yet? Great! It will add salt to your soup . Cry into your own bowl though. Nobody wants your bodily fluids, sicko.

Okay. Now I'm really stopping. Promise.

Chicken Tortilla Soup

1-5 lbs chicken (this part varies depending on how much chicken you want or whether you want white or dark meat. I usually use about 4 skin on, bone in leg quarters.)

1 (15 ounce) can Original Rotel

1 (10 ounce) can enchilada sauce (my favorite is Las Palmas)

2 tsp cumin

2 tsp chili powder

1 teaspoon salt

1/4 teaspoon black pepper

2 tsp garlic powder

1 (10 ounce) package frozen corn

19.75 oz can Whole Black Beans

1 bundle of cilantro, chopped with 1/4 reserved

In a large pot boil chicken without any seasoning in about 1 quart of water. Once chicken is boiled, remove from pot and cool. Leave broth in pot and set aside.Take cooled chicken, remove skin and shred the meat into large chunks.Take chicken and all other ingredients and pour them into the pot of chicken broth. Feel free to strain the broth using a colander or cheesecloth.Heat soup for approximately 10-15 minutes until corn is no longer frozen and soup is hot.Top with crumbled tortilla chips, reserved cilantro, chopped green onion, cheese, sour cream and/or sliced avocados.

I'm BAAAACK and I'm Here to Staaaaay

2012-09-11T17:37:00.000-07:00

I feel like I've been so out of touch, lately. No pop culture updates, no memes, no TV. I've been listening to big band, cross stitching, cooking and reading. It's been awful. I've been Facebooking through my Smartphone. It's so primitive.

Ha! In reality, it was actually kind of fun. I finished "Fifty Shades of Grey." The writing is terrible but that isn't stopping me from reading the second part. I am almost finished with my cross stitching and I have had more time to experiment with more recipes. I missed all of you terribly though and I missed sharing my recipes with you.

I also have a new job. I love it! The people are great, the hours are good and the pay is fantastic. I'm involved in a potluck lunch going on this Friday. I wasn't sure what to cook, but I settled on Chicken Tortilla Soup. It's a family favorite and I'm sure everyone will love it. Tonight though, I'm making Bourbon Chicken. Who doesn't enjoy a little booze with their poultry?

I know this entry is a little shorter than the others and kind of all over the place. Promise that I'll get back on track, lovelies. Just stick with me.

As for the Bourbon Chicken, it tastes nothing like the one from Golden Corral. I really want that recipe and I can't find it. I did find this one though and it's amazingly delicious and super simple. Sorry, no picture this time.

Bourbon Chicken

3 lbs Boneless skinless chicken cut into chunks
4 ounces soy sauce
1/2 cup brown sugar
1/2 teaspoon garlic powder
1 teaspoon powdered ginger
2 tablespoons onion flakes, dehydrated
3/8 cup bourbon

Mix all marinade ingredients and pour over chicken. Marinate overnight.
Bake at 325 degrees F, basting frequently for 1 1/2 hours or until well browned.

Beating Eggs into Submission Christian Grey Style in The Red Room of Pain. Pain Meaning the French Word for Bread, Obviously.

2012-08-21T12:28:00.000-07:00

Well, things have been hectic lately and while I have been posting to the Facebook page, I hate that I don't have computer access to post on the blog more often. I start my new job on Monday so fingers crossed that this will be taken care of soon.

On another note, I've been reading more. Since I'm all about literacy and grammar, I figured I should get back into doing that. This week I put aside a Mitch Albom book to delve into the world of Mommy porn. Yes, that's right- I'm reading "Fifty Shades of Grey." This book mostly makes me sad. It has nothing to do with the material and a lot to do with the fact that women think this is cutting edge. Maybe my generation is just over sexed or I'm some sort of harlot, but I thought everyone was familiar with this kind of stuff. Ha! Vanillas. This book is a lot less BDSM and a lot more internet geek that watched way too much "Secretary." All in all, if you found this book and it's sex scenes to be shocking, never read a Brett Easton Ellis book. You will die of a heart attack. In "American Psycho" for instance there are sex scenes involving severed heads, starving rats and pieces of cheese. It's nothing for the faint of heart, that's for sure.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm actually enjoying "50 Shades," but for the plot, not for the horribly written sex scenes. I did, however, laugh and have to read aloud the part where Christian licks her belly button and "elongates" her nipples. Elongates? Like silly putty? Like he's going to start swinging them around while a midget comes out from under the bed and double dutches with him? Awkward.

Speaking of midgets- Asians are usually very short. Yeah, that really doesn't fit into what I'm talking about, but I'm really not sure how to segue from talking about the book to talking about the amazingly delicious Wonton Cupcakes that I made. Yes, I'm still obsessed with turning things into cupcakes. It's a delicious obsession really. This recipe takes a wonton and tops it with sour cream and teriyaki sauce.


Wonton Cupcakes makes about a dozen 1/2

16 oz pack of Nasoya Egg Roll Wrappers
16 oz bag of coleslaw mix
2 lbs ground pork or chicken
1 large onion, diced
2 tsp ground ginger
1 tsp black pepper
1 tsp sugar
1/4 c Oyster Sauce
1/4 c Soy Sauce

Preheat oven to 375*F
Brown chicken or pork in a large skillet with onion, pepper and ginger.

Remove from heat and transfer to a large bowl.

Add in package of coleslaw mix.

Stir in sugar, soy sauce and oyster sauce.
Place one sheet of wonton in each compartment of a non stick or greased muffin tin.
Put about a TBS of filling on top of wonton and cover it with another sheet, being sure to tuck the sheet in.
Bake for about 20 minutes or until golden brown and hardened.
Top with a dollop of "frosting," green onions and serve with fried rice.

Wonton Cupcake Frosting

1 C sour cream
2 tsp teriyaki sauce
1 tsp soy sauce

Mix together and serve dollop on top of each wonton cupcake.

My Von Trapp-like Escape from the Evil Baking Nazis and How I Lived to Share a Biscotti Recipe with the World

2012-08-15T13:20:00.000-07:00

I don't have my camera with me today so the picture I'm providing for this week's recipe is from my Blackberry camera and is of horrible quality. Then again, who really reads this blog anyway? Most of our fans are on Facebook. Ha!

I've mentioned before that I absolutely hate baking. I do. It's too technical. I like things that you can add your own flair too and baking is just not one of those things. That being said, I'm addicted to making biscotti. I tried selling my biscotti (because it really is that good) but I live in a place where when I mentioned biscotti I got a "WTF is that?" kind of reaction to it. Also, I was banned from a Facebook baking group where people sold baked goods because they thought I was being racist on my page when I was making fun of my family's Mexicaness. Yeah, yeah, Zieg Hiel, baker Nazis.

No, I'm not bitter at all. I mean, a place where people are too lazy to make banana pudding with meringue instead of whipped cream is a place far too inferior for me and any of my lovelies. Right? Off topic, but while we're talking about toppings on desserts, can we please do something about fondant? It's gross and pretty inedible. It tastes like sugary dough. If you must mold something, use marzipan. It's so much better, you guys.

I really don't have much time to make a long post today since I am only borrowing the computer and my grandma needs help checking her email, my boyfriend needs to check his Facebook and my cousin needs to online game, so I'm going to just jump ahead and post the delicious Lemon-Almond Biscotti recipe. For those that don't know what biscotti is, it's a hard twice baked cookie used for dipping in coffee, tea, hot chocolate and even a nice dessert wine. Enjoy!


Lemon-Almond Biscotti

1/3 cup margarine (butter softened)

2/3 cup granulated sugar

2 tbsps lemon rind (grated fresh)

1 tsp baking powder

1/2 tsp baking soda

1/8 tsp salt

2 large eggs

2 1/2 cups all-purpose flour

1/2 cup slivered almond

Preheat oven to 375*F.

Beat butter until light and fluffy.

Mix in all ingredients to butter except for flour and almonds.

Slowly stir in flour to mixture.

Add in almonds.

Roll into 9 inch logs.

Flatten slightly so that they look like loaves.

Bake for 20 minutes on nonstick baking sheet.

Remove from oven and cool for EXACTLY 1 hour. No exceptions.

After 1 hour, take a serrated knife and diagonally slice into 1/2 inch thick slices.

Place cut slice down on baking sheet and place bake in 375* oven for 8 minutes.

Flip slices over and bake for another 8-10 minutes.

Once cooled dip in lemon icing.

Lemon Icing

1 tsp lemon rind

1 C confectioner's sugar

2 TBS milk

Mix all together. Add more milk for a thinner glaze or more sugar for a thicker glaze.

Why I've been MIA and the Cupcake Recipe You'll Want as a Main Dish

2012-07-26T14:25:00.002-07:00

My lovelies, I have missed talking to you. I was supposed to get my computer back last week, but problems came up and I honestly don't know when I'll be back online. Instead I'm having to go to my grandparents house and use their internet connection. This is backwards. Shouldn't my grandparents be coming to me for their technology problems and not the other way around?

A lot has happened since we last spoke. For instance I've started baking. I've never really been much of a baker. This isn't because I can't bake, I just don't like being precise with my cooking. I hardly ever measure when I'm cooking. I think of cooking as an art and baking as a science. I hate science. I have, however discovered that I'm some sort of odd biscotti queen and I rock at making muffins from scratch. Another thing that happened is that my Facebook profile was banned for three weeks by a woman that found our Unwed Housewife Facebook page to be unfunny. Basically, the woman didn't find sarcasm and irony to be humorous, therefore she got her granny panties in a bunch and reported a picture in the group. Boo to you! Because of her reporting and my lack of an internet connection from which I could make an alternate profile and set it to admin, I was forced to leave the page and blog on a hiatus, but never fear. We're baaaaaaack, and I have a whole arsenal of foodie awesomeness awaiting.

I also have new ~~addiction~~ ~~problem and I need help~~ goal; to turn everything I can into a cupcake. It started off with meatloaf cupcakes which are essentially just meatballs covered in mashed potatoes. That left me wondering, if you can turn meatloaf into cupcakes, what other savory foods can be cupcakerized? I then Googled savory cupcakes and a Pandora's Box of savory cuteness was opened. My latest cupcake venture was a Taco Tuesday Twist on boring tacos. They were a huge hit and adorable at the same time. They were also incredibly simple to make.

Taco Cupcakes makes 24

2 lbs ground beef

1 can refried beans

2 c Cheddar or Monterrey Jack cheese

12 oz package of Nasoya Wonton Wrappers

two packs of taco seasoning

sour cream, diced tomato, lettuce, green onion and assorted toppings

2- 12 count muffin tins

Preheat oven to 350*F.

Brown beef in a large skillet and follow directions on taco seasoning packet. Set aside

If preferred, heat beans in a separate pan. (Optional)

Place one sheet of wonton in a greased cupcake tin.

Place a dollop of beans on top of wonton followed by about a tbs of beef, a tsp of cheese, another wonton wrapper, another tbs of beef and top it with another tsp of cheese.

Repeat in that order until both tins are full.

Place tins in oven for 20-30 minutes or until wrappers are crisp.

Top with a dollop of sour cream and your choice of taco toppings.

Serve with Spanish rice and beans,

Pinkies Up, Fancy Pants or How I Took Julia Child's Boeuf Bourguingnon Recipe and Made it Something Simple

2012-07-05T13:24:00.000-07:00

I know I've posted a lot of budget meals and super simple dishes, but that isn't the complete range of my cooking abilities. I also enjoy cooking foods from other cultures and more complicated recipes.

When you're unemployed you have to fill your time with something or else you will indeed end up going crazy. I chose to fill that time with teaching myself how to cook through all of Julia Child's "Mastering the Art of French Cooking" in one year.

Oh wait, that's that other blog. You know, the one people actually read and that spawned a movie featuring a somewhat unattractive Amy Adams doing her best stuck up lesbian elf impression. Sorry if that offended anyone. I have nothing against elves and what they choose to do behind closed workshop doors is their business, not mine.

Holy pointed ears, upturned nose and femullet, Batman!

While I may not be Julie, I did learn to cook some of my best French recipes from Julia Child. Boeuf Bourguingnon is my absolute favorite French dish. I did do something blasphemous though. I changed a few things up to make it easier and tastier, but I do that with everything and since when has God damn blasphemy stopped me before? Plus, it's not like Julia is going to rise from the grave to kill me because I add a little extra thyme to my bouquet garni and don't make things more complicated by braising this and cooking that separately. Trust me, it tastes the same if you do it the lazy way.

Oh, Wth! You never let me down, Google.

For those of you that aren't aware of what Boeuf Bourguingnon is, it's an amazing cross between a pot roast and a stew with vegetables, herbs and chunks of red wine marinated beef. Basically, it's heaven in one pot. It may sound complicated but the hardest part is in chopping and prepping for an overnight marinade. The rest is just roasting for three hours and making a gravy from wine and beef drippings. Don't be overwhelmed. There are 44 steps in the original, but I've simplified this to the point of you needing a second bottle of wine to drink for the other 34 steps.

Boeuf Bourguingnon

3 lbs stewing beef or 1 roast cut into bite size chunks
1 bottle of full bodied red wine (Chianti, Burgandy, Pinot Noir, Bordeaux)
1 carton beef stock
1/2 c flour
1 large bag of carrots, cut into chunks
1 whole bag of celery, cut into chunks
1/2 bunch of parsley
12 sprigs of thyme
2 large yellow onions, chopped
3 bay leaves, 2 whole and 1 crushed
bacon, cooked and crumbled with grease reserved
1/3 c butter
fresh mushrooms, sliced (you can use as many mushrooms as you'd like)
Salt, pepper, garlic to taste
6"x6" piece of cheesecloth plus a long strip of cheesecloth

1. Take a medium sized square of cheesecloth and place parsley, thyme and 2 whole bay leaves in center. Gather all corners together and tie with the strip of cloth. Congratulations, you've just made a bouquet garni.

2. In a large roasting pan or deep oven safe dish, mix together wine, broth, all vegetables EXCEPT mushrooms, crushed bay leaf, seasonings and bacon grease. Add in beef chunks and bouquet garni then cover and place in fridge to marinate overnight.

3. The next day preheat the oven to 350*F.

4. Fish out beef chunks and pat dry. Brown beef in large skillet. Immediately dredge in flour and place in the oven on a baking sheet for 5 minutes.

5. Return beef to wine marinade and vegetables. Mix well and place in oven for 3 hours. In the last 30 minutes stir in mushrooms.

6. Once finished, strain gravy through a colander into another pot.

7. Place meat and veggies back in oven with crumbled bacon mixed in.

8. Put the gravy pot over medium heat with 1 cup of water and bring to a boil while whisking. Reduce until gravy coats the back of spoon. If it does not thicken, add 1 tbs of corn starch to warm water in a jar with a lid, shake vigorously then pour into gravy.

9. Remove vegetables and beef from oven and either pour gravy over them and mix or control how much gravy you use by pouring it over each individual serving.

10. Serve on top of egg noodles or mashed potatoes.

Now that wasn't very hard, was it? That's what she said.

Oh, c'mon! You were thinking it too.

So the week has started and you're feeling like a lazy S.O.B

2012-07-02T19:48:00.004-07:00

Never fear! The Unwed Housewife has the solution.

I love to cook, but sometimes I want fast food that I can still make at home and not have to stare into the face of a greasy temperamental teenager that has already lost all lust for life. For those days I have simple meals that I fancy up and make look a lot more complicated than they really are. The trick? Options and attention to detail.

On Saturday I made Baked Potato Soup and bought a sub sandwich from Walmart. I sliced the sub and arranged it on a platter. I also cut up a variety of toppings for the soup and veggies for the sandwich then arranged them on the table. My family went crazy for that.

On Sunday I made a super simple supper staple; Spaghetti Bolognaise. What made that seem more special than usual is that I set up a salad bar with a variety of toppings. It's perfect for lazy days or days where it's too hot and you don't want to be in an even hotter kitchen.

Then there's those days that are kind of in between. Days situated between grand meals like Beouf Bourguingnon and Shrimp Boils. Days where you want something hearty and filling but still kind of light. Those days are dedicated to pot pies and cobblers.

"Cobbler," you ask?

Yes, Chicken Cobbler. It's fast, cheap and easy. Like your mom, but less sinewy.

I rarely add captions to my recipe pictures, but does this not look like a drawing?

Chicken Cobbler Serves 6

4 chicken leg quarters, boiled and shredded
1 package Pillsbury Pie Crusts
1 Family Size 26 oz can of Cream of Chicken Soup
1 small 11 oz can of cream of potato soup
1 regular 12 oz bag frozen peas and carrots
1/2 c milk
salt, pepper and garlic to taste

Preheat oven to 375*F.

Take a 9x13" dish and line it with one sleeve of pie crust.

Mix all other ingredients together in a large bowl.

Pour into dough lined pan.

Unroll the other sleeve of pie crust.

Cut into 1/2 inch thick strips and weave on top of mixture.

Place in oven until crust is golden brown.
Serve with salad or mashed potatoes.

Me So Hungry. This Recipe No Take Long Time.

2012-06-27T16:12:00.003-07:00

Is the title politically incorrect? You bet your midget ass it is! _______________________________________________________________________________________

One of the sad truths of living during a recession is that you have to give up on the little things. One of the things that I miss most is Chinese take out. I also lived in Idaho for a year and while nothing compares to seeing the Maples turn red in fall, the crisp fresh air, the amazing snow topped mountains or late night snow ball fights; one thing they didn't have was decent Chinese food. We searched high and low for a place where we could get crisp General Tso Chicken that wasn't served with the sauce on the side or Beef and Broccoli that didn't look like soup and had flavor. Another thing that was hard to find were good egg rolls. Instead of giving up, I took this as a challenge. A challenge that I quickly accepted.

I searched for the perfect recipe and finally found one that didn't completely suck. I had no idea how simple it was to make egg rolls. The only thing that made them so tedious was the rolling part. If you've read my Chicken Cordon Bleu recipe you know how much I hate unnecessary rolling of things and always look for a way to make it easier and save time.

My friend Brandy is a Tupperware salesperson and before I left to Idaho we threw a Tupperware party. During that party I acquired this awesome little Empanada maker. I have made so many things with this one little contraption. Everything from fruit pies to chicken pot pies and homemade hot pockets. This inspired me to take everything from egg rolls and make a hybrid of a Fried Wanton, Egg Roll and a classic Empanada.

This may sound like an infomercial, but my favorite part about this gadget is that since it's Tupperware, it has a lifetime warranty which means I'll always have an Empanada maker no matter what. I wouldn't recommend filling them with baby poop like the one in the picture though.

I came up with this: A delicious little pocket of Egg Roll deliciousness with all of the flavor and none of the hassle. Plus, any chance I get to use new, fun products is always good. By request from the family, we served this with Cilantro Lime Rice but you could substitute that with Fried Rice or Lo Mein or just eat these by themselves.

Extra Large Fried Wantons or Lazy Egg Roll Empanadas

16 oz pack of Nasoya Egg Roll Wrappers
16 oz bag of coleslaw mix
2 lbs ground pork or chicken
1 large onion, diced
2 tsp ground ginger
1 tsp black pepper
1 tsp sugar
1/4 c Oyster Sauce
1/4 c Soy Sauce
4 c oil in a small sauce pan

Brown chicken or pork in a large skillet with onion, pepper and ginger.

Remove from heat and transfer to a large bowl.

Add in package of coleslaw mix.

Stir in sugar, soy sauce and oyster sauce.

*For those with an empanada maker: Use bottom of gadget to cut a circle into one egg roll wrapper. Place circular wrapper on top, fill with 2 tbs of cabbage and meat mixture, wet edges with water and fold gadget closed. Repeat with remaining wrappers.

*For those without an empanada maker: Use a bowl to cut out a circle into one egg roll wrapper. Place wrapper flat and fill with 2 tbs of cabbage and meat mixture, wet edges with water and pinch closed. Use a fork around edges to make a design and ensure that all edges are closed properly. Repeat with remaining wrappers.

Heat oil in a small sauce pan and, one at a time, place the pockets into the oil.

Fry until golden brown and bubbly.

So, You Want to Dine Like John Stamos?

2012-06-25T18:21:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm sorry. We're all out of Cocaine, Oikos Greek yogurt, and Olsen Twins' tears. This is what I imagine John Stamos's diet consists of. We also aren't sure how to make recipes for Dave Coulier's penis so you're out of luck— or are you? Read on, lovelies.

"Was it made of— wood?" I'm sure Uncle Jessie knows.

I love going out and discovering new restaurants that nobody ever goes to. It makes me feel like I've found my own little piece of Heaven. My favorite find was this quaint little Greek place that had the freshest ingredients and the most delicious dishes. My mom and I used to go almost every morning for breakfast. They made an amazing Greek omelet. They also had the cheapest mouth watering lunch specials. One of these specials was a Chicken Oreganatto plate. The chicken was marinated perfectly and the was so juicy.

I moved to Idaho for a year and missed it so much that I searched everywhere for the perfect recipe and came up with this one shown below. Of course, the downfall of me liking secret restaurants that nobody ever goes to is that they all eventually close down, as did this one. The same thing happened with this amazing little Middle Eastern place that my friend and I discovered. They had such delicious Chicken Shawarma and a fantastic selection in their hookah bar section. It was the cheapest form of a luxurious lunch I've ever had.

Enough reminiscing! Here's my way of faking something exotic while not breaking the bank and still being able to treat yourself to an international dish using very little ingredients. To fake it being even more fancy, serve on a bed of red leaf lettuce on a platter. People eat with their eyes, unless your from Florida, then you probably just eat people's eyes.

Chicken Oreganatto

5 leg quarters, skin removed, preferably legs separated from thighs but it isn't necessary
1 small bundle (about 10 sprigs) of fresh Oregano, chopped
juice of two lemons
1/2 c olive oil
salt, pepper, garlic to taste

Preheat oven to 350 degrees Fahrenheit.

In a medium bowl whisk together lemon juice, olive oil, salt, pepper and garlic until it forms a nice vinaigrette.

Stir in chopped Oregano.

Place chicken pieces in a large bowl or dish and marinate no less than one hour. I usually marinate them overnight.

Once finished marinating, place in a baking dish and bake until internal temperature reaches 165 degrees Fahrenheit.

Serve with a simple salad with Green Goddess dressing or:

Quinoa Tabouleh

2 c uncooked Quinoa
4 c chicken broth
1 bundle Parsley, chopped
1 large cucumber, peeled and diced
3 Roma tomatoes, diced
1/2 c green onions
Salt, peppr, garlic to taste
1- 4 to 6 oz container of crumbled Feta

Boil chicken broth and Quinoa together.

Once boiling, reduce heat and cover until all water in evaporated.

Stir in everything except for Feta.

If serving warm, add in Feta and serve.

If serving chilled, stick in the fridge or freezer until desired temperature and stir in Feta before stirring.

Sidenote: I know that Tabouleh is traditionally made with Bulgar and mint. I hate both of those things and found the mint to be to overpowering. This has a much better flavor and the Feta adds to it.

Up(cycle) Yours, Hippie Bitch!

2012-06-24T17:19:00.001-07:00

I have a confession. I'm about as far from green as you can get. I use Styrofoam plates occasionally, I am addicted to aerosol hairspray, my favorite kinds of vehicles are large ones such as trucks or SUVs and I don't recycle. As a matter of fact, the recycling bins that used to be issued quickly became storage bins/ laundry baskets.

I know, I know. It's not a good thing. I figure that I can at least rely on hippies to do all of that boring stuff for me. I do try to buy sustainable and organic foods (unless of course I'm making Blue Fin Tuna and Whale casserole.) and I am the queen of upcycling. I think it started when I was a little girl and I'd take my old underwear, cut the crotch area out and sew dresses for my Barbies out of the rest of the material. It sounds weird, but the underwear were clean and my Barbies always had the latest fashions.

Nowadays I've upgraded from using old butt parts from underwear and instead use clothes that are too old or ratty to donate. My sister does the same thing and we share a large bag of torn up clothes that we look through and craft with. She even profited off of this by making and selling small Ugly Doll-like plushies.

The most recent upcycled craft I made was out of an old corkboard, some old cloth from tshirts and jeans and red tempura paint. I made a menu board for my mom's apple themed kitchen. She loved it!
I will admit that this menu board is more whimsical and quirky than most available out there, but that's only because the kitchen (and the person) that I made this for is whimsical and quirky. You can make your own boards according to your own tastes and decor.

Upcycled Menu Board

Old wood framed cork board

paint

old cloth in coordinating colors

construction paper in coordinating colors

knitting needle

pins

Sharpie marker

Aileen's Tacky Glue

scissors

embellishments such as foam letters

Paint the frame of the corkboard in your choice of color. Don't worry if some gets on the cork part.

Cut a rectangle of fabric that you want to use as the background . Put a line of glue along the underside of the frame and using your knitting needle, tuck the fabric under the frame.

Cut out embellishment from your coordinating fabric to list the days. In this case I cut a wave out of white t shirt and mounted the foam letters on squares of beige material which I then mounted on the wave and glued to the side of the board in the same way that I glued the green background. Another functional decoration I made were the pockets made out of old denim material. These will hold markers, extra pins and slips of paper.

Cut slips out of construction paper and mount white paper on top. I used red, green and yellow paper not only because they coordinated with my design, but because they also help me to design a good balance of mixed meals. Red is for beef, pork or lamb dishes. Yellow is for fish and poultry. Green is for vegetarian dishes.

Make a sign that says "Menu" out of construction paper and lettering. Post it to the top.
Write out the different dishes you plan on making throughout the week using Sharpie and slips of paper. Pin them next the coordinating day to answer the question "What's for dinner." ahead of time.

Chicken Cordon Casserole and my secret Love/Hate Relationship with the French

2012-06-22T15:44:00.002-07:00

Before I start this I'm going to say it before anyone else does. Yes, I know. Chicken Cordon Casserole translates to Casserole Ribbon Chicken. I'm from 'Merica. I doubt that the translation of the title will offend any French. Mainly because they're probably too busy not shaving their armpits, waving white flags, being snobs and smoking their cigarettes in odd ways to even care. I ~~hate~~ ~~secretly want to be~~ ~~am envious of~~ am not partial to the French, but I love their cuisine, music, style, architecture and culture.

"Doesn't that mean you adore them," you might ask.

To which I'd reply, "Shut your whore mouth." Then run off into the distance crying loudly and flailing my arms.

What most people don't realize is that while Chicken Cordon Bleu sounds French, it isn't French at all. It's about as American as inventing a dish in 1967 and giving it a French name to make it sound fancy. Which is exactly what it is.

Oh no! You thought that those little Chicken Cordon Bleu sandwiches you find under heat lamps in convenience stores or those little bite sized morsels that are in the frozen food section were French food? You thought you were being fancy and sophisticated? You thought that it meant you had a taste for international fair?

Well you, my friend, are ~~an idiot~~ wrong. I still love you though.

Don't worry. While the dish may not be French, it is freakin' delcious. Who doesn't want ham and cheese wrapped in a flattened chicken breast then breaded and fried? (lol! You thought that was French.) All I know is that it is amazingly delicious, but rolling it up and frying it is so tedious and time consuming.

We've already established that I'm 'Merican. If there is one thing the good ole U.S of A believes in, it's convenience. I love convenience about as much as a French person loves avante garde films about nothing. I've seen those films and I'm assuming that's a lot.

My love for convenience caused me to look for a more convenient Cordon Bleu recipe. I found a few for casseroles and a few for basically just throwing stuff on top of a piece of chicken. I pieced together pieces from those recipes and came up with this delicious, easier and slightly more healthy recipe.

Chicken Cordon Bleu Casserole

5 boneless skinless chicken breasts cut into 1 inch bite sized pieces
2 eggs
1/2 c milk
2 c Italian breadcrumbs
8 slices of smoked ham
2 c Swiss cheese (I'm not a fan of Swiss so I've used Monterrey and Mozzarella before)
4 c cooked white rice
1 large can cream of mushroom soup with 1 c milk whisked in
salt, pepper, garlic to taste
cooking spray

Preheat oven to 350 degrees Fahrenheit.

Whisk together the eggs and milk.

Dredge the chicken pieces in the mixture.

Place the breadcrumbs in a sealable bag or large bowl.

Place dredged pieces in breadcrumbs and coat completely.

Place pieces on a cooking spray coated baking sheet in a single layer.

Spray cooking spray over pieces to ensure even browning.

Bake for about 30 minutes or until pieces are golden brown and cooked thoroughly.

While chicken is baking, mix the cream of mushroom in with the white rice, reserving about 1 cup of soup.

Season mixture with salt, pepper and garlic to taste.

Spoon the soup and rice mixture into a baking dish evenly.

Place the ham on top of the rice in a single layer making sure to overlap some of the slices.

Spoon remaining soup over ham.

Put all of the baked chicken pieces on top.

Top with all of the cheese.

Place under the broiler until cheese on top is melted and bubbly. (about 4-5 minutes)

Serve alone or with a side salad.

Sidenote: I really hope that Edith Piaf is playing while you're reading this.