The Urban Erma

The Next Show is All in the Bag

noreply@blogger.com (Leighann Lord) — Tue, 01 Nov 2016 20:34:00 +0000

I love handbags. I love shopping. I hate handbag shopping. I can't do it online. I have to do it in store. I've got to touch the merchandise. My requirements are specific but today I tried to be open to what's in fashion. I really did. But I just can't do these open-top handbags. No zipper, no magnetic closure or no closure at all? The internal contents of your handbag all on display for anyone who wants to peek in? Nah, I think not. And as Anne Rice so aptly described in her novel "Interview with the Vampire" I realize how marked I am by my era.

When You Want to Hug a Stranger in Dunkin Donuts

noreply@blogger.com (Leighann Lord) — Thu, 01 Sep 2016 14:43:00 +0000

In Dunkin Donuts there was a Young Woman sitting at the table next to me. She was talking on her cell phone and upset because another girl had deliberately shoved her out-of-the-way to get on the bus. And in an I-can’t-take-it-anymore moment she shoved the girl back and they got into a fight. Tearfully she said, “This happens all the time. I don’t want to fight. This is not who I am. I’m sorry. This doesn’t happen when I’m with you. I feel safer with you.”

And How Are You Today? A Tale of Reverse Customer Service

noreply@blogger.com (Leighann Lord) — Mon, 01 Aug 2016 21:06:00 +0000

First of all I had no business being in Macy’s, especially the 34^th Street Mothership. But I was in the neighborhood, I needed a bra, and so there I was strolling through the lingerie department like I had money and boobs.

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It’s Always the Year of the Asshole

noreply@blogger.com (Leighann Lord) — Thu, 14 Jul 2016 04:52:00 +0000

At a recent comedy show there was a table of disruptive people. They weren’t heckling the comedians directly, just talking animatedly amongst themselves. This seemed odd since this wasn’t a random bar show. It was a fundraiser with tickets sold in advance. These people had chosen to be there and yet their incessant chatter created a distracting undercurrent of noise that lasted the entire show...

At the Cleaners: How the Everyday Can Just Flat Out Get Away From You

noreply@blogger.com (Leighann Lord) — Mon, 04 Jul 2016 15:15:00 +0000

I went to the cleaners the other day and as I pulled out my last item of clothing I saw a crumpled claim ticket in the bottom of the tote bag. I used to put my cleaners tickets on the refrigerator so I’d remember them, so of course I didn’t. My refrigerator is a jumbled graveyard of baby pictures of grown people, save the date wedding invitations for divorced couples, calendars from the turn of the century, and business cards for defunct companies. I know. My refrigerator really needs to get its shit together. So I decided to put my cleaners ticket in the bottom of the bag of clothes to be taken out. Makes sense right? A good plan predicated on going to the cleaners on a fairly regular basis.

Bitch, Am I Boring You?

noreply@blogger.com (Leighann Lord) — Wed, 13 Apr 2016 12:53:00 +0000

And the Search for a Therapist Continues

After our second session I fired my therapist. Two meetings are what it took for me to see we weren’t going to work out. And I’d really hoped we would.

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A Death in the Family

noreply@blogger.com (Leighann Lord) — Sun, 27 Mar 2016 18:24:00 +0000

I found out about the death of a cousin on Facebook because that’s how we learn of these things now.

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Today is My Mom's Birthday and She's Not Happy About It

noreply@blogger.com (Leighann Lord) — Mon, 07 Mar 2016 22:19:00 +0000

Today is my Mom’s birthday and she’s not happy about it. How can she be? She (and she is not alone in this) has succumbed to the constant subliminal and overt cultural messages that discount the value of older people in general and older women specifically.

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Don’t Hate on the Skinny Girl at the Gym

noreply@blogger.com (Leighann Lord) — Wed, 06 Jan 2016 21:04:00 +0000

Photo by patrisyu.

Okay, we’re a few days in and you’re still up for making a good-faith effort on your New Year’s resolutions. If one of them is going to the gym, do yourself a favor. When you get there, please don’t hate on the skinny girl.

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Indignation vs. Communication

noreply@blogger.com (Leighann Lord) — Thu, 10 Dec 2015 22:51:00 +0000

I was excited about a new bit of material I’d written because I’d only thought of it that morning; fleshed it out that day, and gotten it up on-stage that night. That’s my personal stand-up comedy trifecta. With some tweaking I think it can really be something.

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A View From the Bridge

noreply@blogger.com (Leighann Lord) — Wed, 18 Nov 2015 20:20:00 +0000

The first straight play (non-musical) I did in college was Arthur Miller’s A View from the Bridge. That was the semester I was supposed to be taking a break from theater to focus on my studies. I only went to the audition to help out as a reader. And because I had nothing to lose I gave it my all and I got cast in lead. And so it was a wonderful surprise when my then director and former professor recently invited me to see a matinée performance of the new Broadway production of the show at The Lyceum Theater.

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Geriatric Stranger Danger

noreply@blogger.com (Leighann Lord) — Wed, 30 Sep 2015 15:06:00 +0000

New Yorkers are not rude people. It’s just that we can get through the day without a lot of extraneous chitchat. We can communicate with each other with a quick chin lift, a head nod, and if need be, a series of simple yet eloquent hand gestures. When I first began travelling outside the City, I was baffled by the strangers who spoke to me for what seemed like no reason. ‘Good morning?’ What the hell is that supposed to mean? Is this a set up? What kind of scam are you running here?

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My First Dragon Con

noreply@blogger.com (Leighann Lord) — Mon, 14 Sep 2015 00:34:00 +0000

My Seven Favorite Moments from The Con

I was invited to perform at my very first Dragon Con in Atlanta, Georgia. For science fiction/fantasy fans this is like being asked to suit up and be the starting quarterback for your favorite team during the Super Bowl. I am not a casual sci-fi fan. It’s my area of expertise when I co-host StarTalk with Neil de Grasse Tyson. I’ll spare you my long list of book, movie, and TV show loves. Just know that my geek runs deep, or so I thought until I got to Dragon Con.

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Mission Accomplished: Welcome to Fog-a-licious San Francisco

noreply@blogger.com (Leighann Lord) — Wed, 10 Jun 2015 06:13:00 +0000

I’m geeked to be working in San Francisco this summer. They say its California’s version of New York, so I feel right at home in another city I can't afford to live in. Since it’s my first time in this bucket list city – I already gotchu, Minneapolis – I intend to make the most it. My first official tourist act was strolling through The Mission. Well, actually, the first Cali thing I did was go shopping at Ross. I bought an $8 dress that probably won’t last the week, but it's pretty and it made me happy.

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Bite My Shiny Metal Ass: How Futurama Changed My Life

noreply@blogger.com (Leighann Lord) — Tue, 26 May 2015 23:20:00 +0000

Thanks to Netflix I’ve now watched all 10 seasons of Futurama, the science fiction animated cartoon series created by Matt Groening (Simpsons). It began in 1999 on FOX and ended in 2013 on Comedy Central. Digesting 14 years worth of an awarding-winning TV show in just a few months adds to my sci-fi street cred but it’s changed me.

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Name That Dog

noreply@blogger.com (Leighann Lord) — Wed, 13 May 2015 22:39:00 +0000

When a friend group texted that she was getting a pair of dogs – golden doodles, adorable – for her daughters, we immediately began suggesting pet names. Over the course of two days (geez, maybe it was three) we all had a blast sharing possible nom de pups that I saw had cultural, musical, and generational relevance. In an example of the upside of drinking and texting we began with Barnes & Noble and ended with Simon & Schuster. Take a look at our list and see if we missed any. Feel free to add to the list and share which one you like the best.

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Hey Baby Birl

noreply@blogger.com (Leighann Lord) — Thu, 30 Apr 2015 17:35:00 +0000

Image courtesy of stock images
at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

“Baby Girl.” That’s what James Evans, the father on Good Times, called his daughter, Thelma. Years later it’s also how Bernie Mac referred to his youngest niece on his self-titled TV show. Baby Girl is a familial term of endearment within the African-American community. In my family I’ve had many pet names including – but not limited to – Boo, Slow Poke, Madam, and She Who Must Be Obeyed 2.0.

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"Hellraiser"

noreply@blogger.com (Leighann Lord) — Tue, 21 Apr 2015 15:05:00 +0000

Someone said, “Leighann, what’s your favorite romantic movie?” Believe it or not I’ve never been asked that before so I had to think about it for a second. My head tilted to the left, my eyes stared off into space, and my body went still. I do that sometimes when completely caught off guard. It looks like I’m processing a data download from My Mothership. “What’s my favorite romantic movie?” I was as shocked as anyone when I heard myself say, Hellraiser.

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The Middle of the Night Phone Call

noreply@blogger.com (Leighann Lord) — Tue, 24 Feb 2015 14:20:00 +0000

One of my biggest fears is that I’ll get a Phone Call From Home in the Middle of the Night when I’m too far away to do anything about it and once again I’ll be angry that we still don’t have Star Trek transporter technology; and disgusted that we invest more time and money in restricting human movement then in facilitating it.

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A Day in the Life of a Standup Comic: Just Writing

noreply@blogger.com (Leighann Lord) — Thu, 22 Jan 2015 17:20:00 +0000

PHOTO BY JAMARI

One day when I was waiting for the subway, a young woman with an expensive camera introduced herself as a Columbia University graduate student in its photojournalism program and asked permission to take my picture. If it was a scam – and I always think everything’s a scam – it sounded like a good one so I said, yes. When my train came and we were about to part ways I gave her my business card hoping she’d send me one of the pictures but equally sure I’d never hear from her again. But she emailed me that night and asked if I would be the subject of her day-in-the-life class project. Again, I said, yes.

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A Year Without A Dog

noreply@blogger.com (Leighann Lord) — Thu, 01 Jan 2015 15:55:00 +0000

“If this is love I do not want it. Take it from me. Why does it hurt so?”

“Because it was real.”

The Hobbit

We lost our dog, Rolie, last January 2^nd. Everyone says it’s hard to lose a pet because their love is unconditional. That’s a nice sentiment but they clearly didn’t know my, Rolie. His Doggie Daddy often said, “Rolie has more personality than most people.” So true. His Lordship was moody, surly; and love – as he doled it out – was completely conditional and on his terms. This was puzzling since he had terrible separation anxiety and followed us around everywhere, but got annoyed when we did the same to him. When he felt crowded and wanted his space he’d up and leave – sometimes mid-tummy rub. And we were to consider ourselves dismissed.

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There is No Spoon: A Pre-Christmas Story

noreply@blogger.com (Leighann Lord) — Wed, 17 Dec 2014 15:03:00 +0000

Image courtesy of cuteimage
at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

One of the most well-known scenes from the Matrix is when Neo is told, “There is no spoon.” We can while away an afternoon discussing what that means, but the gist of it is: reality is not what it seems. A recent mind-bender for me was opening my silverware drawer and seeing that indeed, there were no spoons. Where the hell did all my spoons go?

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Life in the NYC Slow Lane

noreply@blogger.com (Leighann Lord) — Wed, 10 Dec 2014 05:15:00 +0000

The 25 Miles Per Hour Speed Limit is Killing Me

I am a Native New Yorker. That’s not a typo. It should to be capitalized. It’s not pride in an accident of birth but it’s staying here long after many friends and family members have pulled up stakes and moved to more hospitable climes. I survived 9/11, the mortgage meltdown, and a nanny mayor who would be king. I survived a house fire, Hurricane Sandy, and the Polar Vortex. But New York City’s 25 miles per hour speed limit has got me thinking about packing my bags.

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Returning to My Theatre Roots

noreply@blogger.com (Leighann Lord) — Sun, 30 Nov 2014 18:49:00 +0000

Before I did stand-up comedy I did theatre. Being in the wrong place at the right time landed me the role of Lola Le’Dare, Hot Box Girl, in a college production of Guys and Dolls. It was my first time acting on stage and by first time I mean we are going to completely overlook my Kindergarten stint as Mother Goose.

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Why Do I Have to Share?

noreply@blogger.com (Leighann Lord) — Thu, 02 Oct 2014 15:30:00 +0000

Image courtesy of Stuart Miles
at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I was standing in line at the grocery store. In front of me was a mother with her eight-year old son. He had talked her into buying him candy but his victory wasn’t so sweet. She said, “Okay, I’ll buy it, but you have to share.” Ahh, a gift with strings attached. There’s always a catch, especially when you’re a kid.

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