A Light Unto Yourself

I make the conscious choice to be free, and to hold my freedom as a priority, not to be compromised.

I take full responsibility for my happiness and know that it is never dependant on anyone or anything outside of myself.

I prefer my essential & intrinsic happiness to the temporary fulfillment of desires.

I value my inner peace more than I do winning, defending my identity, proving my point, or reactively expressing momentary emotions.

I refuse to be reactive, and to let my emotions be controlled by others.

Anger does not guide my hand. Fear does not inhibit my action. Desires do not govern me.
Attachments do not bind me.

I do not engage in self defeating behavior.

I accept that which I cannot change.

I have no need to control or possess others.

I do not depend on others for validation or approval.

I understand that my feelings are natural, and so make no apologies for them.

I make plans for the future, but remain open in order to respond to each moment directly.

I make no attempt to appear different than I am, regardless of who I am around.

I do not define myself in terms of material.

I allow others the freedom of being themselves, without judging them or attempting to change them.

I can forgive others because I understand that we all act according to our current level of consciousness & understanding.

I am my own authority.

I am complete in the present moment & therefore do not look to the future for fulfillment.

I am free to give love, without condition or expectation.

I know that my identity is self defined and self imposed.
My only binding identification is with consciousness, through which all else is experienced.

I participate in the things in life without becoming attached and identified with them.

I realize that my separation from others & from the environment is conceptual only.

I have no strict idea of myself in which I must conform to.

I see the impermanence of all things and so do not cling unnecessarily to them.

I realize that all perspectives are fragmentary & incomplete.

I do not need an external authority to tell me what is right and what is wrong.

I allow others to be free by dropping all demands and expectations of them.

I learn from the past, but do not allow it to interfere with the present.

I am neither above, nor below anyone, and so make no comparisons.

I realize that anything that I don’t know from direct experience is hearsay and speculation.

Though I cannot always control my thoughts, I can control which ones I pursue and give energy.

I understand the difference between what exists in thought and what exists in reality.

When I am alone, I am not lonely, my presence is all pervading.

I respond to reality according to the circumstances instead of depending on readymade answers.

I see that if my thoughts have no correlative in physical reality that they are little different than imagination.

I know that all answers lie within and that they can only be obtained through experience.

I know that there is no such thing as second hand wisdom.

I will help anyone that I can knowing that ultimately the responsibility is theirs alone.

I realize that when I become disturbed that nothing is missing. Instead, something has been added and is obscuring my inherent peace and stillness. That my attention has deviated from the present moment.

I am a light unto myself.

In Case of Emergency

• Guide your attention to your breath, and follow it as it goes in and out. This can create space, provide some relief from the relentless thoughts & return you to the moment.

• Try to zoom out and expand your perspective. Sometimes seeing our problems within a larger context can give us a different outlook on them .

• Take a moment to consider how others feel as well, as we are all under stress for varying reasons. Remember that your loved ones, spouse, children, etc. are also dealing with life’s difficulties. (This helps us to take the spotlight off of us and step out of the exclusive mindset we often get trapped in.)

• Realize that your problems and the emotions that accompany them are temporary. They are impermanent. (We tend to view things with a high degree of severity, as if they are eternal, when in fact most of them will be soon forgotten.)

• Make sure you are not engaging in self defeating behavior by feeding the fire with negative thoughts and energy. Become aware of your internal dialogue.

• Remember that acceptance is another word for freedom. Acceptance is a choice we must first discover is available, in which the psychological pain of inner conflict may be eliminated. If something is already the case, or is inevitable, acceptance is the only intelligent response to it.

• Is the way in which you are handling this problem conducive to the goals you have on your spiritual path? (Can expose hypocritical behavior as well as be a good reminder.)

• Is your resistance to what is happening more valuable to you than your inner peace?

• Is what is occurring directly causing your emotion, or is it your position towards what is occurring? In other words, is it your expectations that are being injured, rather than you yourself? What would you lose by accepting rather than opposing? Is it even possible?

• Become a witness to all that is occurring without identifying with it. Observe as choiceless awareness only. Drop all opinion and judgment and just watch. You are not that which passes before awareness, but awareness itself.

Lastly, a few words from Eckhart Tolle

You feel yourself to be alone again, struggling against something or trying to achieve this or that. But why did anxiety, stress, or negativity arise? Because you turned away from the present moment. And why did you do that? You thought something else was more important. You forgot your main purpose. One small error, one misperception, creates a world of suffering.

Wherever you are, be there totally. If you find your here and now is intolerable and it makes you unhappy, you have three options: remove yourself from the situation, change it, or accept it totally. It you want to take responsibility for your life, you must choose one of those three options, and you must choose now. Then accept the consequences. No excuses. No negativity.

John J. Patton

What is personality?

While each of us is inevitably shaped by our backgrounds, culture, society etc, and we develop preferences, likes, dislikes, interests, and so forth, we also develop what we call personality traits. If someone asks what kind of person you are, you might say, “I’m outgoing” or “I’m shy” or any number of ‘good’ or ‘bad’ but equally identifiable qualities that indicate how we present ourselves to the world.

What about ego?

When discussing personality, the word ‘ego’ has it’s own set of connotations. “Egotistical” is in itself a trait that we associate with a certain kind of person that perhaps is very self-absorbed, requires a lot of attention and so on. For the purpose of this article, the concept of ‘ego’ is the false set of ideas and thoughts we believe to contain our “self”.

It is my belief that almost any defined personality trait we feel that we have is simply a marker as to where our ego is strongest. And therefore it is an opportunity for growth as we strip away the labels and find that instead of losing parts of ourselves, we gain further insight into who we truly are.

When we label ourselves with our traits we are just building a box for ourselves which limits us but at the same time provides us with a comfort zone and a set of parameters for how we behave and even excuses as to why we do it. ”Well that’s just my personality,” we might say. Or, “that’s just how I am,” as if that has nothing to do with us and is not in our control!

Shyness Comes From Ego

I always used to describe myself as a ‘shy’ person, which would seem to be the opposite of egotistical – not wanting limelight, attention, content to remain in the background. This was something that I could remember being true since I was a child so I had pretty much accepted this as a fact about myself. As I grew up it also happened to serve a purpose. I generally dislike ‘small talk’ in social situations, so by acting as a shy person, I had a convenient excuse not to really be that social or engage people too much.

Then I read Eckhart Tolle’s A New Earth and in it he says that shyness is just another function of ego. Instead of being driven through a need for attention and recognition, shyness is usually a fear of what people might think of you if reveal yourself through what you do or say. For me, it’s about not wanting the attention, not wanting people to ‘see’ me, or even worse, for them to ‘misunderstand’ me and then forcing me to have to explain myself (because god forbid they form a ‘wrong’ opinion of me!). I guess deep down it’s a fear that I will not be accepted for who I really am, or I won’t be taken seriously, so by avoiding revealing anything, I protect myself from any judgment.

As I explored Tolle’s statement further, and the truth of it became undeniable, I allowed myself to look at it from another perspective and to see the ways my life could open up if I stopped attaching to shyness as a defining trait. I realized that it had given me a free pass to not bother really interacting with the world and that I was therefore missing out on a host of experiences.

I also bumped up against a significant paradox. As I journeyed on my spiritual path I realized that my so-called shyness was actually damaging my ability to really BE spiritual in a practical way. How could I really express compassion, kindness or make any kind of impact on the world if I was actually running away from it? My spirituality existed in my head, and that’s about it! I realized that I was essentially insulating myself from those parts of society I didn’t want to deal with – ignorance, injustice etc by hiding behind shyness, limiting my contact with, exposure to and influence on the outside world. Jill Bolte Taylor says in her book “My Stroke of Insight” that you have to be responsible for the energy that you bring. And I realized I could bring much better energy and be much more free and impactful without this “shyness”.

Now What? Here’s What You Can Actually Do

1) It begins with awareness

Bringing awareness to whatever characteristic you struggle with is one of the most effective ways to start free-ing yourself from it. As soon as I acknowledged that my shyness was NOT something innate, and was just in fact a part of my ego, that immediately changed how I thought about it. It made me feel more empowered and also motivated to change it because doing otherwise would simply be continuing to feed my ego. It made this thing called ‘shyness’ smaller and less significant as I realized it was just another mind trick, not a defining characteristic. I could no longer deny how it was limiting me in so many ways.

2) Act consciously

The next step is to bring consciousness to every situation where you find yourself falling back on that characteristic. The more I caught myself shying away from interaction, the more I was able to then replace that reaction with deliberate openness. I even invented a little game for myself where I decided that if I was walking down the street I would smile at everyone I saw, and if for some reason I couldn’t do that, I would at the least send them a positive thought. This helped to change my perception of the world and go about with a more open disposition.

I also examined the reason why I would be likely to avoid eye contact or interaction. It was a deep-seated, albeit irrational fear that I would seem stupid, or that it would make me vulnerable. The more I examined this, the more I realized that it was simply ridiculous.

3) Be responsible for how you show up

So now I am able to be in a position to be much more responsible for the energy that I am offering up to the world. By being a more open presence to others, it enables them to also be more open and comfortable. If I want the world to treat me with respect and compassion, it is my responsibility to offer the same to the world. I am no longer reacting to situations, but proactively setting an intention for my energy and presence. I’m becoming a participant of life instead of a bystander.

4) Expand your sense of who you are

Once I stopped limiting myself with shyness, I was free to explore new territory. I started volunteering – teaching a basic computer skills class to adults in a drug & alcohol rehab facility. I had to stand in front of 15 adults, essentially be the center of attention, connect with them and be an effective teacher. While the idea of this would have sent me into cold sweats previously, I learned that I enjoyed the role of teacher, interacting with the class and sharing knowledge. When I realized that I was capable of such an experience, I began exploring other such opportunities to help others in ways I would never have done previously. These experiences are proving very valuable to me in my journey and I’m growing at each step and looking at myself in a new light. As a “shy person” I would never have had these experiences, which are proving instrumental in shaping the direction I want my life to go.

Expansion in one area leads to expansion in others

Each time we do something to lessen one of our ego-based traits, we open up our world to new possibilities and allow more of our true selves to come to the forefront. I have developed greater compassion as a result of working with my shyness. I can recognize how others may be acting from their ego issues just as I sometimes act from my shyness. Not only that, but now that I am more open and wiling to engage with life, I realize that more compassion is needed in order to avoid being angered by the events and circumstances of daily life. By the same token, I can enjoy life’s positive moments more deeply, and find even more to appreciate.

Self-examination of your personality to detect where your ego might be leading the way can be an effective tool in dissolving your ego, loosening your boundaries and allowing your consciousness to naturally expand.

About The Author

BelieveInChange is a blog about personal evolution and spiritual activism in individuals and the world at large. Read more articles, subscribe to the feed, and find inspiration to participate in your community at www.believeinchange.net

I recently learned about the power of love and compassion from someone who had all but given up on life. I met him, if you can call it that, in the comments section of another blog, where he posted that he was contemplating suicide.

What really bothered me was that no one had addressed his comment. Did they not see it? Were they uncertain of what to say? Was it a breach of blogger protocol to address a serious issue in someone else’s comments section? I didn’t know, but one thing was certain: this person was suffering. I could not simply go about my day as if I had not noticed it. The last time I tried that approach, things did not work out so well.

When Depression Threatens

Four Christmases ago, a very dear friend of mine took his own life. In a moment of hopelessness and despair, he shot himself. For fourteen years he had been one of my closest friends; we were always there for each other, and I loved him dearly. This was no mere acquaintance, so the news affected me deeply.

This was a fellow pilot and grieving soul. Like me, he had lost his parents at a young age, so we felt a strong connection; we promised to be each other’s shoulder to cry on and soft place to fall when life was knocking us down. He called me every year, without fail, on Valentine’s Day and my birthday, even when I moved to Costa Rica and he moved to Belize.

In 2005, when I got that birthday call, I knew something was terribly wrong. I had never heard him so despondent before. This guy was an aerobatic pilot, a Reno Air Racer; he was full of adventure and passion. But on this particular call, he was somber, quiet, and sad.

He had been struggling with bipolar disorder for a couple of years. He never would have admitted this fact, or sought treatment; but I knew. I recognized all the telltale signs because I had seen them in my dad: the endless rambling phone calls at all hours, the god complex, his blacklist of “enemies” which grew increasingly longer, the purchase of insanely expensive things with other people’s money, the topics of conversation bordering on sexual harassment…

These, and many more, were the symptoms I had been watching develop in him over the course of a few years. I would hear from him a whole lot when he was manic, then not at all for months at a time, during his depressive hibernation.

His family and friends had noticed this as well, but when they tried to get him to seek treatment, he just put them on his blacklist of people to avoid (and get even with). Finally, they did the responsible thing: they reported his condition to the FAA, who promptly revoked his medical certificate. He could no longer fly, and he’d never really done anything else. He used to tell everyone, “The day I can’t fly is the day that I die.” It was his whole life.

Reaching Out for Help

When he called on my birthday, I knew he was in utter despair, trying to figure out what life he could possibly have without flying. But I assumed it was just a phase, and that he would resolve it on the next upswing. I was busy and distracted, moving from Costa Rica to Austin, so I told him I’d call him later.

My birthday was in October; we moved to Austin in November. I almost called him then, but decided I would wait until we were settled in our new home, in early December. Then I was busy moving in, meeting neighbors, and getting ready for Christmas. I meant to call him; I really did… and then I got the email from his ex-wife. Just like that, it was over. All the history we shared and all the promises we made vanished into thin air.

I spent the first two years after that torturing myself with guilt. I should have been a better friend, and called him. Perhaps I could’ve gotten him treatment for his depression since he trusted me and knew about my dad. It would have made all the difference if I just took a moment from my busy life to let him know he was not alone. WHAT IF he had felt loved, instead of abandoned?

I will never know. I did nothing.

Maybe there was something I could have done, maybe not. But I could have tried. I didn’t reach out to help him when he suffered, and I can’t do anything about that now. But I can try to help others who are suffering.

What if Love and Compassion Win?

So, when I saw that person mention suicide in the comments of a blog, I gave him my email and asked him to contact me. And he did. We have been in contact ever since, and I cherish each email I receive from him. He still has a whole set of challenging circumstances to deal with, and I can’t make those go away. We all have those constant burdens to bear, each in our own way. But I can let him know I care, I’m here, and things will get better. Sometimes that is all we need to find the strength to keep going.

A short while ago, I told him I was going out to the yard to plant strawberries with my son. He asked me how long it takes to grow a strawberry plant.

I replied, “I don’t know yet how long it will take to harvest my strawberries. There’s a good chance I never will, because the birds will beat me to it. But it’s ok… I like the planting… and the birds.”

His answer helped me understand the key to happiness: He said, “Yes, there will be birds, but we should not stop planting strawberries. That is the essence of life. Like what Albert Camus tried to propagate in his essay, The Myth of Sisyphus.”

For those of you who may not remember, Sisyphus, of Greek mythology, was the guy condemned to push a boulder up a hill, watch it roll back down, and repeat this for all eternity. His burden is constantly present, but he presses on anyway. What else can he do?

It seems to me, since we each have our individual burdens, that the way to fight off suffering and depression in order to be happy is to find the little things that bring us joy, the simple pleasures. Make time to find them; take time to appreciate them. Just as importantly, if someone you know has lost the ability to enjoy anything, take a moment to help that person. Show a little Love and Compassion, because even little things can make a world of difference. You never know… the life you save may be a friend’s.

Author Bio

Lisis Blackston is a wife and mother who is dedicated to helping others find happiness and inner peace. You can learn more about Lisis at her blog, Quest For Balance, which is dedicated to this concept:

Whether we find happiness through grand adventures, or seek it in every-day places, we all want less pain and more joy. Quest for Balance is a place where people can be reminded that finding lasting happiness and inner peace is not only achievable, but surprisingly simple… for all of us!

Editor’s Note

Thank you for that really touching post, Lisis. And for the readers, I’ll be back in a few weeks! It’s exam time, and my brain is overloaded. This semester is particularly vital for me.

Have you ever listened to two politicians debating about the same issue and wondered how on earth they managed to arrive at such different opinions and conclusions from the same facts?

Have you ever been to a sporting event and raved over your favorite player only for an accompanying friend to look at you blankly and declare they were unimpressed?

Have you known anybody that has been through really tough times and never stopped smiling and looking on the bright side? Whereas somebody else you knew in the same situation was a prophet of doom and gloom?

What’s going on here, surely facts are facts? Isn’t it obvious when somebody has excelled? And why would anybody feel good when things are so bad, that’s just insane, right?

If you have a belief that the way you see things is the way they are, you are not only wrong, but will severely impede your chance of becoming the person you want to be. In actuality you see things the way you think they are according to your map of reality. And by the way, you are the only person holding that map.

You and in particular your unconscious mind do not like to be wrong. In fact your unconscious hates it with a passion. So much so in fact, that it will do almost anything to avoid those uncomfortable feelings, including fooling you. That’s right, your very own brain is constantly fooling you.

When you gather external data using your representational systems, and by that I mean things you see, hear, feel, taste and smell. Your unconscious mind goes to work deleting, distorting and generalizing the information to help it fit your map of reality and to stop it from becoming overwhelmed.

This is perfectly normal and indeed we all have to do this otherwise we would struggle to get through the day without having a nervous breakdown.

When you see a door handle you want to be able to generalize that it works the same way as all door handles. It would be a tad inconvenient if all door handles looked identical, but some had to be lifted up, some pushed, some slid to one side and some worked on voice recognition.

Similarly when you see a creature bound towards you it’s useful to know it’s a friendly cat because you have seen a cat before, and not have to pull out your ‘Morons Guide to Creatures That May Want To Eat Me’ to know if you need to head for the hills.

On the other hand, when we make generalizations like British people have bad teeth, there is nothing worth watching on TV these days, sports people make too much money, old people are always grumpy and women with PMS should always be avoided, we are in danger of taking it too far.

It only needs one exception for the above to be untrue and the generalization to be inaccurate. Although one of the above may indeed be true and I’ll leave you to decide which.

Whilst your unconscious is making all these useful and sometimes irrational generalizations, it is also deleting information. Your pre-frontal cortex isn’t very good at storing huge amounts of information at a time. It runs out of RAM fairly quickly so has to dump information that it does see as being crucial, and that starts to happen round about five pieces and max’s out at around eight or nine.

Think of all the things that are going on around you right now; All the information that is being thrown at your senses at this one point in time. It is amazing how much of it you’re missing.

The air on your skin, the touch of your clothing, background noises you have filtered out like the sound of your own breathing, maybe the noise of the A/C or a heater. Visually speaking, you are seeing very little of what is in your peripheral field, you are focused on reading this and blanking most other things out. It would be very hard to concentrate otherwise.

Your unconscious is not finished there either. Not content with deleting and generalizing, it is now distorting information for you, the little scamp.

Have you ever had a false memory? Of course you have, everybody has (and yes, that is a generalization! Well spotted.). In fact you will be holding lots of them as you read this and again it is not a problem and very normal. It’s because your mind constructs memories rather then reconstructs them as you would think. It has to, because otherwise every memory would take as long to recreate as the actual event it is recreating.

So the brain retains crucial bits of information and lets you fill in all the blanks. As such, you frequently make mistakes. We’ve all had moments of absolute certainty and clarity about an event only to come across incontrovertible proof that demonstrates we got it completely wrong. It can be a sobering experience, especially when it involves the mother-in-law, two bottles of wine and 3.00am phone call.

It can also distort in other ways too. You can and will see things that you want or expect to see rather than what is actually there.

One of my hero’s is a guy called Derren Brown. Derren is a brilliant illusionist, magician, hypnotherapist and NLP guy. He’s also highly amusing in my opinion and I recommend you checking out his DVD’s.

During one episode for TV he was on a high street holding a map looking like a lost tourist. He would stop somebody and ask for help in finding his way. As the two people studied the map, two guys carrying a large picture of Derren would barge between him and his Good Samaritan. As Derren and his ’mark’ momentarily lost sight of each other, Derren would walk with the removal people behind the picture and hand off the map to a person that was previously obscured.

When the helper was suddenly able to see ‘Derren’ again a second or two later it was a completely different person holding the map.

You wouldn’t expect anybody would fall for such an obvious trick and you would be completely wrong. Now to be fair, I feel sure few people did spot the switch and that was edited out for TV, but many people were conclusively fooled. In fact, the switch got more and more outrageous and the last couple will have you shaking your head in disbelief. (Youtube Video)

These people were not duped because they are any more stupid than you or I. In fact we may very well have reacted the same way. Their brain simply adapted what it saw to fit what it expected to see, because that is what it is does best.

There’s no way round any of this, it’s one of the things that makes life so intriguing. However, if you can stay aware that your opinions may well be wrong even when you just ‘know’ they are right, that what you are seeing may not necessarily what other people are seeing and that some British people have good teeth, you’ll make life a whole lot easier on yourself.

About the Author

Tim Brownson is a British life coach living in Orlando, Florida. He doesn’t hug dolphins, have picture of sunsets on his website and he’s never done a fire walk. You can read more of his ramblings @ TheDiscomfortZone.com

Have you ever noticed that, despite our best efforts, we sometimes behave like children?

There is a child inside all of us, whether we realize it or not. And sometimes we return to that child like state. Often, this is a good thing – letting us tap into our playfulness, innocence, and amazement at the world. But at other times, it is the child’s vulnerabilities, dependencies, and insecurities are reactivated.

A neglected and denied child – reflecting unresolved wounds, old beliefs, and values – can destroy our lives in ways we do not realise. We might interact with the opposite sex with the awkwardness of a ten year old, or speak to our boss with the fear of a lost little boy. As Nathaniel Branden said in How to Raise Your Self-Esteem, many of us try to become an adult by pushing away and ignoring this child – but the real path to adulthood is recognising this child, making friends with it.

This post introduces a simple, versatile and yet very powerful process. It simply involves conversing with your disowned parts. While introduced with the inner child, this process is extremely effective in other forms of personal growth, such as shadow and sub-personality work. (Of which the rest of the series will go into detail.)

Who Has Been Hurt?

A long time ago, I bumped into a woman who was sitting behind me in a restaurant. It was an accident, but her husband began telling me off. I apologized a few times, but he ignored me and kept shouting. Eventually, I told him to stop making a scene, and walked off. At the end of the night, as he walked past me on his way out of the restaurant, he gave me a fierce glare.

And this was the surprising part, for I suddenly felt an overwhelming sense of abandonment, hurt, and fear. It made no sense to me. All the rage he had displayed before had not disturbed me, and I had no reason to be afraid, for he was half my size and twice my age. And yet – why this irrational sorrow, and why did it last for weeks after the event?

One day I found out why. I was reliving the event in my mind’s eye during a session of emotional work, when on a whim I removed the “camera” from out of my eyes and turned it around on myself. I was shocked at what I saw. It wasn’t the adult me who was sitting in the chair being glared at, it was a little boy of about six years old. I recognised that face; it was me.

The Child Has Always Been There

Almost everyone who has been in the world of personal development will have heard of the inner child. For a long time, I refused to do any work with it. Like many men, I cringed at the thought I had a soft and vulnerable side, and that attitude had kept me in suffering. But inside the mental scene, I was stunned. It was the first time I had been brought face to face with something I had denied my entire life, and I didn’t know what to do, for the boy was scared to tears.

I immediately injected my adult self into the scene, and rushed over to pick him up. I put everything else on “pause”, just like a video recording. I sat him on my knee, and held him tight as he began to cry. He was hurt, he told me. He hadn’t done anything wrong on purpose. It was just an accident and he had already apologized so many times. Why did that man still hate him? What else could he have done? Had the man been sitting there glaring at him for the entire night without him knowing?

As I held him, I realised that these thoughts, fears, and questions had been in my mind ever since the event. But I had resisted them every step of the way. I wanted to be strong, and my entire adult life, I did that by burying my sadness so deeply that I had to spend weeks relearning how to cry. I pushed the fearful child away by spending years in boxing and martial arts. And all that did was send an entire part of me, as Branden puts it, into an alienated oblivion.

This was the biggest reason one glare had hurt me for so long. I could not admit these feelings. This is worth re-reading, for many readers will find this difficult to accept. It wasn’t that man who had caused the hurt. He had merely triggered years and years of similar pains, of identical fears.

Further Reading: Unconditional Acceptance for Our Totality

The Inner Child

As a child, each of us has been neglected, hurt, abandoned, or spat on in one way or another. This is true even for those with relatively happy childhoods. Sometimes it is what others had done to us; sometimes it is our own self-reproach for things we had done or not done, feelings we have had or not had. We might have hated ourselves for being needy, for being hurt, for being angry, for believing in things our parents didn’t.

In other words, we carry unresolved suffering inside us, and out of fear, pain, or embarrassment, we deny it. This is often undeniable for those who have had painful childhoods – the suffering there would be something we would do anything not to revisit. And so we lock the child – us – into a dark dungeon and drown out their cries with cigarettes, alcohol, drugs, sex, and work.

As psychiatrist R.D. Laing said – We choose to forget who we are, and forget that we have forgotten.

And yet, no matter how much we deny it, the child will not – cannot – go away. It needs to be integrated, accepted, and given lots of conscious attention and compassion, even if what they have to say is painful for us to hear. Only then, can we express all of his or her emotions in a healthy, mature manner. Only then, can we allow the child to be reintegrated.

Meeting The Child

So what exactly do we do? Meeting the child is a process that is alive, creative, and flowing. It would be an injustice to reduce it to a series of steps. It would also be unwise, because this process is unique to each person.

It is for these reasons that I have gone into so much detail in my own description, for you to get a feel of the ideas, and to do your own thing. The most important thing is to let everything come to you naturally, without forcing anything. My experience was based on how my mind works, so please don’t get locked in. Your experience can be completely different, and doesn’t even have to be visual. The child can be of any age, as long as it feels right to you. It is important not to have any expectations, or we might simply interact with what we think is inside us, leading to further denial. Allow yourself to be surprised.

Besides working with a specific event, another approach is visiting the child as he or she is right now. Allow yourself to get a clear image of what she looks like in your mind. A photograph will be helpful if you have one.

What is she doing?
Where is she?
What is he feeling?
What does he want to say?
What does he want?
What does she want to show you?
What does she need from you?

William DeFoore, in Anger, warns that sometimes the inner child might be too hurt or frightened to build a proper connection. Sometimes this concept is still too awkward. Please don’t give up too early; it is one of the most powerful things I use.

Interacting With The Child

Interact with the child. Treat him with as much compassion as you can. How would you want to be talked to, if you were in her position? It is important to let them have their say, and let them have their full experience. Some of us might impose our adult views on the child – telling it to toughen up and stop being such a crybaby, for instance. But isn’t that how we have hurt him in the first place? Don’t try to talk her out of her feelings. We can apologise to her for having ignored her for all these years, and promise to love her and hold her the next time she is hurt.

Nathaniel Branden provides several questions we can ask ourselves at this point. The most helpful would be – What can I do to be kinder to the child? What does she do when she feels ignored by me? What does he do when he feels I am treating him harshly? How have I been treating the child up to this day? What did you need to do to survive?

Step into Their World

The final step, then, is to become the child. Step into her world, and see things from her perspective. Feel as he feels. Speak as she speaks. Position your body as he would be. Perhaps he is curled up on the floor; perhaps she is sitting in the corner, or hiding under the blanket.

Become all the things that you have noticed about the child throughout the previous conversations. If she is scared, then be scared yourself. If he just wants to skip work today and curl in bed, then feel it. This doesn’t mean you have to act on it, of course, but in this process, mentally reclaim these traits, tendencies, and feelings as your own. This is perhaps the most vital step. It is to be expected that this feels awkward, as we finally aligning ourselves with what we have pushed aside for so long.

The insights that come from this can be truly striking. I won’t provide examples here, though, as there is always a tendency to start searching for insights similar to what we’ve read. It is always a good idea to return to the adult self and interact with and love the child again, based on what you’ve discovered.

Remember with any process that safety and respect for yourself and those around you is always the top priority.

Cleaning Up After The Dialogue

At the end of the experience, take some time to work with whatever has arisen. There are two general approaches to this – the emotions and the feelings.

There are two ways of working with emotions: Feeling them completely, or releasing them. Throughout the entire process, either one of these should be happening by itself, since dialoguing is meant for us to get in touch with our feelings. However, I can’t be sure, as I’ve been releasing for so long that it happens automatically no matter what I do. Therefore, it is a good idea to try and do this consciously. Try to release or welcome your emotions throughout the entire dialogue, and also to take little breaks in between, and afterwards, to work with them.

Another powerful approach would be using The Work of Byron Katie with any beliefs or statements your child self presents to you. I would recommend it only for the more experienced, though. For example, my child cried and told me that it is hopeless, and that he would be hated no matter what he did. It was very healing to gently take him through the four questions and find that his perceptions had been distorted and he had believed a lie.

What’s Next

I plan to present some other ways of using dialogue to reach those previously inaccessible places in our psyche. The rest of the series will tend towards examples and variations of this core process. (I hesitate to promise things now because I’ve broken many promises I’ve made in these What’s Next sections, heh heh! Sorry.)

Link Love

One of my favourite blogs, with no exaggeration, is Purpose Power Coaching by Chris Edgar. His materials are very deep and yet practical. A recent post you might like: Reframing “Why Am I Doing This?”

A blog I’ve recently discovered is Raptitude by David Cain, with a tagline: The gentle art of sanity amidst civilization. A recent post you might like: Powerful Lessons My Mom Did Not Teach Me.

Whatever I was facing – sorrow, anger, guilt, hatred, resentment, fear – I wanted it just as much as I hated it. This sounded insane to me, and I’m sure many readers will feel the same way when they think of their own lives. These emotions hurt, tremendously. Why would we want to be this way? Have not the past two years of my life revolved around freedom from suffering?

And it has. With all the work I’ve done in the past two years, things have shifted tremendously. But there are many times I have gotten stuck, when nothing changed no matter what I did. I’ve found this to be a major reason. Even if you don’t believe in this concept, I suggest you take a few minutes to try it for yourself, or at least keep it in mind. If you get stuck in the future, it might be exactly what you need.

The Process

This process builds on the usual emotional work of welcoming the emotion, or letting go of it. If you are not familiar with at least one of them, please pick one and read that article first. However, if you prefer working with thoughts instead of feelings, please read on.

An example might make the process easier to understand. There was a man I met in my teens, and he gave me my first experience of heavy racist abuse. Even now, certain events, people, and places would remind me of him, and bring up unresolved feelings of hatred, shock, and grief. Over the past years, I had done much emotional work on the issue, and while greatly reduced, a lot of it refused to budge.

One day, I realized that while I consciously wanted to be free of it, a denied and hidden part of me wanted to be hurt and angry. And a big part of healing was simply done by getting in touch with this want. I would sit down, close my eyes, and relive the abuse. And this time, when the emotions arose again, I didn’t begin emotional work.

This time, I said to myself – I want to feel this way. I WANT IT. The purpose of this is to shift your focus. This is not to get in touch with the feeling, but the part of you that wants it, the part that is behind the scenes, so to speak. For our current purposes, there really isn’t any need to analyze why it wants to feel this way.

Sometimes this will intensify the current feeling. Often, it will bring up a different feeling. Behind my anger, for instance, was a myriad of other emotions. Fear, abandonment, sorrow. Welcome that feeling. It has been hidden and denied for so long, and we need to get in touch with it. Bring it up; increase it; feel it completely and explore it.

Next, use your preferred emotional work on this new feeling – welcome it, or let it go. (While I refer to these as different approaches, as they were for me in the past, these days they’re really just the different ways of doing the same thing.)

I highly recommend, if this clicks with you, that you spend a few days working on this hidden want. Then, return to your original feeling and process that out. I think you’ll be surprised at how much easier you’ll be able to let go of your original feeling.

Working with Thoughts

In internal work, there are usually two types of people. One prefers the emotional approach and the other prefers working with thoughts. For the second group, one can also use The Work of Byron Katie on this.

You can try working with statements like: I want to hurt him, or I have to be angry at him. The 3rd and 4th questions, which examine cause and effect, would be particularly powerful in this regard.

Update

I can’t help but feel that I have been unclear somewhere in this article, so I would just like to add this section to clear it up. This is for times when we can’t let go of our pain and suffering. As much as we consciously say that we want to, there is also a part that doesn’t. This process is to get in touch with that part, and work with it, before returning to the primary feeling. I’ve found that simply doing this process for a few days on all my long standing resentments and hatreds have allowed the primary suffering to dissolve really quickly.

For those of us who are suffering and consciously revel in it, this might be a good idea also. Do some work on the wanting to suffer, and then return to the primary suffering itself. Hope that clears a few things up.

The Standard Warning

As with all processes described in the blog, please remember that safety and respect for yourself and those around you should be a top priority. Welcoming our urges and emotions does not necessarily mean acting on them. Awareness is very often all that is needed.

What’s Next and Link Love

A shorter post today, because to go into the theory (Carl Jung’s shadow psychology) behind this would take an entire series, and I’m pretty sure one doesn’t need the theory to practice this. Let me know if I am wrong, though.

The first link goes to Marc and Angel, practical tips for productive living. One of the popular blogs out there, they cover all sorts of stuff, from productivity to relationships and happiness with a wonderful story-telling style. A recent post you might like: When Less Advice is the Best Advice.

The second goes to Roger from A Content Life. A strong focus on mental and physical health with a light-hearted touch, as you can see from the tagline: Staying happy and sane everyday. A recent post you might like: Meditation for Beginners.