When I’m coaching a person, I will assist her in various ways: paraphrase her, ask her questions, give her information, point out various aspects. But there is one thing I will not do, even though a lot of my clients would like me to: I will not make decisions for them. In the end, it will be up to them to decide how to think, communicate and behave in various contexts.

When it comes to making decisions, I notice that a lot of people approach this process like a 7 year old, looking for the adult to get him to make the decision. They rely too much on others in deciding stuff. The only thing is, the adult is you. And as an adult, you are responsible for making your own decisions, since only you are responsible for your life.

Others and Your Decisions

Other people can play an important role in your decision making. But it is not the one of making the decisions for your. Basically, any decision process goes though 3 major steps:

1. Gathering information which is relevant for making the decision;
2. Analyzing and comparing the information, based on various criteria;
3. Actually making the decision.

Where other people can really help you is in the first step of the process. They can give you information which increases the odds of you making a good decision. They can share personal experiences, opinions or facts which you may not know.

Other people can also help you with the second step, by pointing out things you are not taking into consideration when comparing options, or faulty logic. This is something I do quite a lot in my coaching. But when a person tells you “do this” and you simply do it, then we have a bit of a problem.

Let’s say for example, that you got two job offers, in two different companies, and you have trouble deciding which one to accept. You can talk to people you know in those companies, to learn about the environment and the people there. You can talk to a career consultant to find out the potential for development of the industries the two companies are in. But what you don’t want to do is to ask another person to choose for you.

When it comes to making decisions, my experience is that most people tend to go into the extremes: they either rely on others to make any decision and they almost never make decisions on their own, or they become global decision makers, who not only decide for themselves, but also decide for other people: they choose the college for their daughter, the car for their wife, the career path for their employees, and so on.

Both patterns are fundamentally toxic, giving people too little or too much responsibility in life. And both patterns tend to exist because they feed on each other. So? How do you learn to make your own decision?

Step 1

You get away from people who tend to make decisions for you, even if you don’t ask them to. These people usually mean well, but they will cripple you self-reliance.

Step 2

When other people tell you what to do, you don’t simply follow their command, but instead ask them why they believe that is the best decision and get their perspective. Then you use the information to judge things for yourself.

Step 3

You stop asking other people what to do every time you have a dilemma. You either don’t ask others anything and just decide on your own, or you ask them for information and feedback, instead of the actual decision.

Step 4

You learn to take risks. Each decision you make has a potential risk because it can not be the best one, and sometimes it can even be the worst one. What makes a mature person is the ability to accept this risk, decide and act despite of it.

Step 5

You start small and scale fast. At first, you pick decision which present low risks but which you usually tend to pass on to others, and you make them on your own. As you become comfortable with making these decisions, you gradually move on to more important ones.

The good news is that your ability to make effective decisions is like a muscle. The more you use it, the stronger it gets. As you practice making your own decisions, you learn to gather information more effectively, to analyze and compare data with more wisdom, to become more confident in your ability to choose what is best for you.

The big decisions

For almost any person I know there is one big challenge in making decisions: those key life decisions. I’m talking about quitting a job, starting a business, moving to another city, getting married, getting divorced and so on. It is mostly with these decisions that we refuse to deal, and we ask other do decide for us, which we believe have more expertise or wisdom than we do.

Even if this is the case, these are precisely the decisions you truly need to make yourself. Because they define your life. And you don’t want to live a life defined by others do you? The fact they are very important only means it’s a good idea to consult others and get the most valuable information you can, not that you should get someone else to decide for you.

Bottom line, your ability to make decisions on your own, to assume the consequences, good or bad, and to learn from them is what makes you a mature person. When you know you can always rely on yourself, you experience a sense of personal freedom which most people only dream of.

About The Author

Eduard Ezeanu is a communication coach with an attitude-based approach. He helps others to improve people skills they find relevant and get top notch results. He also writes on his blog, People Skills Decoded.

There is important psychological research a professor of mine is involved in – he has found that by simply educating people on how our minds work at such times, many people reduce their risky actions quite drastically. While his research focuses on casual unprotected sex and HIV/AIDS transmission, I think it’s very important and applicable to other areas – ranging from overspending, to picking fights and temper tantrums. This post provides an overview of his findings, and the suggestions for what we can do are some of my ideas on how we can apply it in our lives.

So, full credits go to Ron Gold and his colleagues for the research presented here. Let’s begin, shall we? First, think of something that you do or have done “in the heat of the moment”, and keep it in mind while we go through this material.

Shouldn’t have overspent?

Offline and Online Thinking

Gold, in his research, found that many people who perform these risky behaviours know very well what the consequences are. For instance, many people know that having unprotected sex increases the chances of them getting a disease. So why do we still do it?

The difference lies in “offline” and “online” cognitions. Offline cognitions are thoughts, beliefs, judgments, and values that we have in the cold light of the day. I’m sitting in front of the computer now, with a cup of coffee – the way I think about sex or violence or drugs is “offline”, wiser, and more rational.

However, my cognitions go “online” when I am in or close to the situation, whatever it is for me, and my thinking changes quite drastically. Jay might think that violence is never the answer, but if someone slaps him in the face in a bar, that belief goes out the window and Jay suddenly feels like punching the other guy back.

Sounds very common sense at this stage, right? And it is – the tricky part is catching ourselves when our thinking goes online, for that is when we start justifying our actions internally. We know we shouldn’t, but we really want to do it, so we begin to change our existing cognitions – or even make new ones – to allow ourselves to do so.

The good news is, once we know how our minds work in times like these, our justifications become far easier to catch – and more importantly, stop.

What Happens In Online Thinking

Here are some of the major things that happen when our cognitions go online, and I’ve also added some of my thoughts on what we can do to reduce their impact.

1. Arousal

This is the most obvious – in the heat of the moment, our thinking tends to become “hot” and full of emotions. Two things happen – first, it now becomes vitally important for us to satisfy our anger, or our pride, or our lust. Second, the opposite happens with the negative consequences of our actions. They fade into the background, and seem very far away and less important. Sitting here in front of the computer, I think it’s stupid to risk unprotected sex if there is a chance of getting HIV, but when I am going to have sex, oh, the disease just doesn’t seem so important anymore.

How we can apply this: We can make a list of negative consequences of whatever behaviour we are trying to avoid. Most of these we already know anyway, but I’ve found that taking the time to write them down and think about them properly increases commitment and makes these things much more solid in our minds, rather than something floating in the back of our skull.

Side Note: Is there resistance to doing this small exercise? Have you thought about why? The answer can be quite revealing, but I’ll leave it at that.

2. Motivated Reasoning

The second change, motivated reasoning, is self-justification at its purest. We change our cognitions or even create new ones to allow ourselves to do what we want to do. It is important to note that this may not be conscious! In other words, we might not even know we are doing it.

Some examples of changing old cognitions:
- “Maybe he doesn’t have a disease.”
- “Many people do it and nothing bad has happened.”

Some examples of creating new cognitions:
- “I am naturally immune to AIDS.”
- “They will find a cure soon anyway.”

These are real justifications frequently found during interviews – when I first read them, especially the last two, I thought to myself: That can’t be real! Who would risk catching HIV on the chance that there will be a cure soon?

Remember – online thinking is very irrational. These sorts of thoughts seem absurd because you are “offline” while reading this – but they can happen to everyone when online, so be extra careful and don’t discard this section, believing that you will never think this way.

How we can apply this: A useful exercise here is to visualise yourself in the situation, and trying to catch the thoughts that go through your head as you do. This makes them easier to recognise when you are really in that situation. This might be hard for some people who can’t visualise well, though.

3. Mood and State

Other studies have shown that whatever we learn is better remembered when we are in a mood similar to the mood we were in when we first learnt it. In other words, when we learnt about the consequences of HIV, or violence, or illegal drugs, we were most likely put into a slightly gloomy mood by it. This information will be easier to remember in a similar, slightly gloomy mood – but when we are “online”, the mood will probably be very different, making it much harder to remember.

How we can apply this: It is for this reason that some safe sex education posters can have quite erotic images on them – it helps in putting viewers in a similar state to what they would be in during sex. How can you apply this? Easy – get yourself into the right mood, perhaps with more visualisation, then read over the list you made in Change 1, above! Don’t worry if it changes your mood, just get into the right mood again, and repeat until you’re confident.

4. Physical Judgements

I put this one last because it might only be applicable to the unprotected sex / HIV research, and not so much other stuff – well, maybe if you like picking fights, I guess. In this last change, we judge a person based on their physical appearance, and tie them in with beliefs that will seem quite stupid offline.

For example, we look at a casual sex partner, a total stranger, and think that he looks so well-educated that he must always have safe sex and therefore be uninfected with HIV. Offline, we might realise that he’s about to have unprotected sex with you! (This example is again drawn from interviews conducted by Gold and his colleagues – if it seems silly, it just shows the drastic change between offline and online thinking! Don’t discard it!)

How we can apply this: Perhaps the same visualisation exercise, suggested in Change 2, will help you catch some of your judgements. Remember, the more aware of your cognitive changes you are, the easier it is to catch yourself the next time you go online!

5. Preparedness

Many times, people make the decision to set limits when they are offline, and just indulge a little bit. Let’s use a less risqué example here – I’ve gone out drinking, and decide that I’m only going to have two drinks. But as we all know, such limits are very easily broken “online”, and we end up completely drunk at the end of the night.

How we can apply this: This isn’t part of the research, but in my own life, I’ve found that setting very hard limits works well when compared to relaxed limits. Instead of allowing myself “just a couple of drinks”, I set a rule of “no drinks at all, no matter what” before I go out – and that makes it much easier for me to keep to it. I’m not sure if this works for everyone, though.

Closing Thoughts

There is another way of dealing with such situations, with the Core Practice of Welcoming and Releasing Emotions. Visualise the action, or the events leading to it, and release the feelings and desires that come with it. Then, and this is important, imagine not being able to do it ever again, and release the emotions and desires that come from that as well.

And in closing, here’s something to think about – as soon as it is over, whatever we did, whatever we had – no matter how amazing or satisfying it is – is just a memory, just a thought.

How much is a thought worth? What can you do with a memory? Do you even know it exists? Did it even happen? What’s the difference between a memory and a dream, or a detailed fantasy? How long can you hold on to it for?

What would you sacrifice for it?

Important Notice

It is very important to note that many things contribute to risky behaviour – online and offline cognitions are just a part of it. While these might help, please don’t be misled into thinking that doing these exercises will keep you “safe”, they only address one part of it. The safest thing to do is simply not to put yourself in a risky situation, or as my professor said, “just don’t go there”.

Link Love

Old readers will notice that I’ve added a new banner to my sidebar – I’m very proud to have been invited into a blogazine with some very prestigious bloggers: The Daily Brainstorm!

As an aggregate blog that just officially launched, it was designed to stop everyone from trolling for good content and just have the best of the best content in one place. (Their words, from their marketing copy, not mine, heh heh! I would never be that arrogant, or would I?) Enough self-congratulations, please go and have a look!

The Definitive Guide to Getting the Most Out of Any Advice

For those of you that read blogs in order to support the work of countless artists across the web, I thank you. You’ve shown that people’s thoughts are worth listening to — that we don’t have to ask permission to let our creativity be spread far and wide.

I understand that you love reading about new tips, tricks, and advice on how to do “this’ or how to conquer ‘that’… but are you really using any of it, I wonder?

I love reading about these topics as much as the next guy, believe me, but there comes a time when we must ask ourselves, “Am I really gaining anything from reading these articles? Or hearing this man/woman preach about what he/she knows? Am I just feeding into some fantasy by reading about it?”

Is just knowing a solution exists enough for you?

I know that there are great many of you who come here and have read every word on this blog, but haven’t practiced every word. And to be honest, I think it’s unfair.

It’s not fair to you and it’s not fair to the guy who writes this blog. Now you may think I’m accusing you.

I’m not.

I simply want everyone to have improved their lives (at least a bit) after coming away from this blog. I want that after the final word is read at the end of this post, everyone can safely say:

“You know, I never thought about this before. Maybe there are some things that can be done to improve/change/create a certain aspect of my lifestyle in order to increase the happiness of myself and those around me.”

Nothing is more unfortunate than wasting your time with things that aren’t helping you.

Right before we get started, I want you to keep in mind that nearly anything you want to achieve is within your grasp. If you have the knowledge, all you have to do is back it up with action and what you seek will eventually come.

First things first:

1. Find just ONE special piece of advice

You have to discover the “perfect” piece of advice. This advice resonates with you, makes sense, doesn’t sound fabricated AT ALL… but it still makes you feel uneasy. In other words, you know it works, but you just don’t have the guts to test it.

For example, let’s say that you have a habit of opening new tabs on your internet browser every five minutes (a former issue of mine that I can attest to). This problem has gotten much worse; sometimes you have ten tabs open at once.

Suddenly, you happen upon priceless advice from a blog — just don’t open more than one tab per window. You’re better off focusing on one tab, rather than dividing up your attention across multiple distractions.

To you, it’s not much of a shocking revelation. “Well, duh”, you think to yourself. “So simple, but it makes so much sense. This really is just good advice.” With that, you close all of your tabs except one.

Lo and behold, five minutes later, you find yourself with ten tabs open again.

As you can see, the advice was sound. The benefits and the costs were clearly presented. And yet, you just couldn’t follow the advice.

At once, you decide that this advice was all wrong. “Forget it”, you say. “This guy didn’t help me at all.”
Frustrated that your problem keeps persisting, you head on over to Google, and look up plenty of ways to be productive on the Internet. Add-ons, tricks, tips, techniques; now you’ve got them all.

But then, without you even realizing it, you’ve just perpetuated the problem. Some might even say that you’ve duplicated it. You see, your multiple tabs are now filled to the brim with countless productivity blogs, all trying to teach the one thing that you needed the most — the one thing that you already knew.

Do one thing at a time.

So now it’s your turn. We all know what we have to do — we all know that there’s the “perfect” solution lingering in the back of our brains that has yet to be tested.

But we also have to force ourselves to believe that we want to do it — that we want to change and improve our lives.

2. Test it as soon as possible

There’s no point letting the hesitation accumulate and the anticipation build. Just do it, NOW.

Set a date – The date you end up setting has to be sooner rather than later. Everyone deludes themselves into thinking that he has all the time in the world to test his advice.

Well, the truth is that you don’t have time. You’ll never know what will happen in the future, but you DO know (for the most part) what will happen by the end of this week, next week, or even next month. Set your date within this time frame.

Put your action date too far in advance and you may never do it.

Think presently – Everyone’s minds tend to be too far in the future, even before we’ve carried out the action. Thinking up realistic results, bringing about possible mistakes, and dissecting every single scenario — don’t give yourself that much credit.

You aren’t allowed to.

Act now and think later, then give yourself the credit you deserve by thinking about what you’ve done all you want, whether you failed or succeeded.

3. Write down the results

For some, this may seem unnecessary, but when testing advice, it’s important to reflect on it. This is when your analysis of the consequences should come into play — not before you’ve carried out the action, but after.

It’s true that you learn by doing, but you gain a much deeper understanding when you add introspection to the mix. Analyze the negative and positive consequences, ask the why’s and the how’s (why did this happen and how did this work), or plan your next test in order to see what else you can decipher.

It’s no longer somebody else’s advice.

Now that you’ve tested, recorded, and analyzed the perfect advice, you are no longer someone who just parrots what he doesn’t know. This isn’t some blogger’s advice or a random guru’s advice — it’s your own advice.

Feel free to share it with anyone you know. Because you know, deep down inside, that getting the most out of advice isn’t just about getting positive results or feeling good simply knowing that there’s a solution.

It’s about learning and growing, changing and improving — and helping someone else to experience the same joy you do when you test advice that works.

About The Author

John Anyasor is the creator of HiLife2B, a blog inspiring others beyond their perspectives. Follow him on Twitter.

Twitter: http://twitter.com/CJAnyasor
Website: http://hilife2b.com/blog

“How can people be so mean? I’ve heard that when they are nasty, it’s because they are in a lot of pain themselves. Is that true? How does that work?”

I didn’t know for sure, but I have been thinking about the same topic a lot, and so I did my best to give her an answer, no matter how clumsy or wrong I might be.

Dollars in the Wind

Imagine that you had a fifty dollar note in your wallet, and one day you opened your wallet and the wind blows it away. How would you react? It would probably depend on how much money you had. If you were a multi-billionaire, you might not even care. On the other hand, the average person might run after it but give up after a while.

But what if you are homeless, sick, and haven’t eaten in days? What if that money was all you had in the world? I would run and scream and jump into the ocean if that was where it went; I would get on my hands and knees and dig it out of a mountain of dung if that was where it landed; I would do almost anything to get it back.

Is it the same thing, but an inner equivalent, with all the nasty things that people do? Self-esteem, approval, happiness – what would one do to get it? The man who walked up to her and began humiliating her, he really wanted to look “cool” in front of his friends. He was emotionally poor and starving and full of self-hatred, and he would do anything to avoid that awful feeling that was eating away at him.

The nastier he is, then the more desperate he is to fix that pain – except he doesn’t really know how, and chose the unhealthy, hurtful way to do it. It doesn’t matter what he looked like externally; she told me he had a really nice business suit and a really expensive looking haircut. One’s inner state doesn’t always correspond to one’s outer state. Inside, he was starving emotionally, he was in pain, and he was doing the best he could to fix it. Conversely, emotionally rich people, those who are happy and full of self-esteem, are compassionate and caring. The joy overflows from them in the same way that water flows out of a full cup if you keep pouring.

(By the way, if a reader is thinking, I understand the emotional poverty, but what does he mean by pain? This is because I actually used a different illustration with my friend, but changed it for this article in case someone got offended. The original story I used was a joke video I saw on Youtube once – a man who was stuck in an elevator overnight and had diarrhoea. He was in such pain that after a few hours he just did his business in the corner of the elevator then burst out crying at the mess he made. He had no choice, he was just in so much pain and he didn’t know what else to do. Wait – I just told my readers anyway, which defeats the purpose of making up the dollars in the wind story. Ah well, pick whichever one you prefer. )

Is this understanding something we use to condemn them, to laugh at their misfortune? Do we feel better because it is a form of revenge to know that he is suffering inside himself? It is easy to start thinking that way, but the grim “satisfaction” from such thoughts is actually quite painful. We are just replacing one form of pain with another. It only feels better in comparison to the original hurt, if it does at all.

Perhaps we would be better served if we used it for understanding and compassion. How? If we can see his motivations in this way, we begin to see that it was less to do with us than we thought. The hurt begins to diminish, because a big part of the hurt is that we think we somehow deserved it. Allow me to explain.

Why Me?

This is one of the most common thoughts we have when someone treats us poorly: Why me? Is it something to do with me? Did I deserve it?

The answer, of course, is different in every situation. Sometimes we did do something wrong. But in her case – a random attack from a total stranger – it was more about him than it was about her. And if you are reminded of someone that hurt you in the past, think carefully about what happened – could it be more about them than it is about you too?

I remember one night I was at a relative’s café. It was late in the evening, and he had closed shop for the night. The lights were mostly off, the waiters and chefs had gone home, and the plastic chairs in the outdoor area were neatly stacked up, ready to move back into the building. The two of us remained inside after closing time, enjoying a quiet chat.

All of a sudden we heard a clashing noise from outside. A man, possibly drunk, had walked past the café in a rage, and he was raving and shouting at something or someone. As he walked past the chairs we had stacked up, he punched them, smashing them over before storming off. The poor chairs! Are they so hideous? Are they so pathetic? So ugly?

Can you see what I am getting at? Could we blame the chairs for what had happened to them? He was in a rage, and the chairs just happened to be in the way. What have they done to deserve it? Nothing.

But why did he choose to call me names? My friend was upset and unconvinced at the chair story. Why not the person sitting next to me?

Again, only he would know the real reason for sure. But my best guess was simply that she was convenient, or maybe she couldn’t hurt him back. To illustrate this: why did the man outside the café punch the soft plastic chairs and not the big metal umbrella stands that were right next to them? He would have hurt his hand, probably. It was a snap decision – he had no choice, his emotional pain was so strong and he didn’t know a healthier way of dealing with it. He just had to hit someone and the first thing he saw that wouldn’t hurt his hand was the stack of flexible plastic.

In the same way, maybe my friend just didn’t look assertive enough. Maybe it was because she was young and looked innocent. Maybe the person sitting next to her had big muscles and tattoos. Again, we don’t know for certain, but these are certainly likelier explanations than what she was thinking: What is wrong with me? Am I just despicable, a total loser, so much so that some random stranger hates me when I’ve done nothing to him!

Update

Something I forgot to add: There is another piece of information that might help us accept this. Because what happened was rare for us, we think it is a rare event overall. Therefore, it must have something to do with us, right? Therefore, we did something to deserve it, right?

But think about this: With my friend, it’s almost certain that the man does it all the time. It simply wasn’t personal, although it felt that way to her because nobody had abused her like that in her life. But for him, it’s just another day; she was the latest in a long line of targets. Consider that possibility with whatever happened to you, too. Whatever he or she did – it has happened many times before, to many other people and will most likely continue to happen to many more in the future. It might not have had anything to do with you.

Making the Heart Match the Head

With many people, a simple chat like this can be all they need. Certainly my friend felt better, and so I didn’t continue. But have you ever felt like there is a clash inside you? That you understand it intellectually, but you sure didn’t feel any better? Your head gets it but your heart doesn’t?

One thing we can do then is to simply let the answer sink in. Sit with the new understanding a little bit – for instance, it wasn’t my fault, or it wasn’t because I am a loser. And just let the emotions be there, whatever comes up. This might feel good, so enjoy it if it does – but it is even more important if somehow it feels horrible. Feel it completely, without resisting or judging it, and let it play out. If you are familiar with The Work of Byron Katie, you can use the entire process with your original belief.

A second, very similar, option is to simply welcome and feel the emotions around the issue. It is helpful to explore both sides in this manner. In other words, if you believe that it happened because you are a loser, then process out the feelings that come with the statement “It did not happen because I am a loser” AND “It happened because I am a loser”.

If there is someone hurtful you have not quite forgotten, something that still hurts, spend a few minutes thinking of what we discussed in this post. Pretend that you were the friend I was comforting – does any of it seem true, or at least more likely? Spend a few more minutes exploring the two processes described above, and then think about it again, and see if it doesn’t make you see things in a different light.

End Notes and Link Love

You’ll notice that this article discusses what we do after the event. If you are looking for something to do while it is happening, we discuss some ideas in the Personal Boundaries series.

The first link goes out to Akoha. It’s a nice little website that provides “missions” for us to complete – the great thing is, each mission is fun and adds a little joy to the world. It’s free, too.

The next link goes out to Chris Foster of The Happy Seeker. One of the genuinely nice people out there on the internet! You might like a recent post – Top Ten Ways To Be Unhappy.

Editor’s Note: This is a guest post by Jay Miles.

The universe is a chaotic place.

Giant chunks of rock and ice soar through its cold expanse with no destination, and no set path. Stars of unimaginable proportions on occasion explode, sending a blast of radiation in all directions that is so powerful, any nearby planetary bodies are incinerated within seconds.

Is there a purpose behind these occurrences?

Does Halley’s comet intentionally pose for the telescopes before whizzing off for another 75 years?
Does a red giant wake up one morning and suddenly just decide to go supernova?

No, because these events are caused by random physical laws that we have no way whatsoever of controlling. In other words: shit just happens.

But I think an unknown Shinto monk put it more eloquently when he said, “the only truths in this life are beauty and impermanence.”

So why then do we reject the impermanence of the ever-changing universe when it comes to our own lives?
Why do we cling to old, habits, places and people so dearly, even if they become negative influences?
Why do we place so much value in order and permanence, even if it means living a boring and monotonous existence?

The answer is simple: we fear change.

The Unknown Scares Us

Whether it be the change of state from life to death, a change of house or even a change of wardrobe, it signifies a transition into the unknown. What we do not know, we cannot control. What we cannot control, we fear.

It is human nature that our imaginations jump to the most unpleasant outcomes: the new neighborhood will be more dangerous despite its excellent reputation; the new job will be less satisfying even if it’s doing something we’re passionate about.

Such fears are understandable, rational even, as defense mechanisms against disappointment. But is it really necessary to shield ourselves from potential hurt at the expense of being constantly afraid? Surely not.

Fear in all its forms is negative, and the fear of change is no exception.

Make Change Work for You.

Therefore, the key in dealing with change is to try and look past its possible negative outcomes, instead seeing what it can do for you.

In every change there is great opportunity and adventure to be found – if only you look for it. Be proactive. Be a go-getter.

Instead of fearing it, be excited for it. Instead of cowering away from it, welcome it with open arms. Savor the feeling of change; as we will see in the next section, it is part of what makes you human.

Impermanence is a Blessing, not a Curse.

Imagine if everything stayed the same, if objects, people and ideas remained fixed in relation to each other in an unending state of permanence; how utterly boring everyone and everything around us would become.

Without an end to things there would no longer be any sense of meaning or beauty in the world. Nothing would age, wither or disappear but by the same token, nothing would be born, created or renewed.

We would be stuck in our present relationships forever, doomed to carry out monotonous task in a world that no longer knew what it felt like to experience something new and extraordinary. The words “new” and “extraordinary” would not even factor into the collective vocabulary.

Perfect order would have been achieved but at what cost?
Losing the very chaotic change that made our lives worth living in the first place?

There would be no cycles save for the never-ending cycle of ingratitude. Because how could we be expected to be grateful for things which have always been and always will be? How could we not take these things for granted if we had never experienced losing them?

Without Autumn, we would never appreciate Spring; without clouds we would never appreciate sunshine and without death, we would never truly appreciate life.

Our lives, fleeting as they are, are that much more beautiful because they end. Every second wasted is a moment in time that you will never get back, and this gives us motivation to make the most of them. We are able to enjoy each sunset and savor each meal because we have so little time to do so.

On the other hand, if you lived forever, I guarantee that after the first couple of hundred years, the most pristine Hawaiian sunset would seem like a bad postcard, and the finest rump steak would taste like airplane food.

Change is Inevitable

Realize that no matter how much we may try to avoid change – no matter how much we may wish that things would stay the same – it is and always will be a part of our lives.

Change is inevitable.

Our only choice in the matter is whether to accept it amicably, or be dragged, kicking and screaming, into the next chapter of our existence.

Author Bio:

Jay Miles began blogging after a chance meeting with a legless old man in the streets of Bangkok changed his life in a very real, very fundamental way.

His blog, Mind the Gap, chronicles his journey of self-discovery as he attempts to live his life with one overriding theme: love yourself.

Check out his latest post: Living the Impossible

I do my best to live by this simple principle, but it is certainly very hard and quite complicated. There are so many obstacles here, and I want to discuss one just briefly.

Is Compassion Softness?

For a long time, I thought of compassion as softness, as kindness, and as gentleness. When someone is crying, or hurt, the most compassionate response might be to sit down and listen to them, comfort them, tell them everything will be okay. And yet, is that always true? Many situations are a lot more complicated than this.

Lorne Ladner, in The Lost Art of Compassion, wrote about a painting he saw once, of the Buddha of Compassion. He had wild hair, bulging eyes, and wielded an axe and a sword as he danced in a wreath of fire. How does such an image reflect compassion?

Lorne went on to describe how a loving parent might indeed look like that. Wouldn’t a mother be screaming at the top of her lungs, her eyes bulging and arms waving – as she runs to rescue her young child who had walked into a street full of cars?

Wrathful Compassion Towards Ourselves

Lorne’s example does not talk about other people, but instead focused on our own inner work. Sometimes we are afraid to do look at ourselves, to discipline ourselves, and we justify it as some kind of pseudo-compassion. Negative thoughts and emotions are a form of self-hatred, and choosing to work on them is self-compassion, but it can be painful and many of us shy away from it. This psychological laziness, he says, isn’t real compassion, but can cause even more troubles.

But this got me thinking – how will this apply to other people? What if someone is using you or manipulating you? Some might think that the most compassionate thing is to pretend they don’t realise the manipulation, and go along with it. But is that the best thing to do? Compassion includes ourselves too – we can’t let ourselves get hurt in the process. Is this weakness, a lack of boundaries, pretending to be compassion?

What about if someone is dependent? Perhaps a grown adult who still lives as if he is a little child; would compassion mean being soft and kind and treating him like a little boy? Or would it be best to give him some tough love and teach him to take care of himself, even though it might be hard for him to begin with?

This is a very wide topic, and I don’t have an answer for these questions. What do you think? What would you do, and why? What other obstacles have you come across in the pursuit of compassion? I would love to hear them in the comments below.

Oh, and in using the wrathful Buddha image, I am not suggesting that we go out and scream at someone. It’s just something that got me thinking.