The UC

Hello Pippa: Are You Still Single?

2012-01-29T19:13:00.006-05:00

Images like this are still available at certain newsstands, even though this gossip is old and dried up by now. However, this is a solid question for Pippa Middleton, the sister of the Duchess of Cambridge.

Is the Sister of the Duchess a real royal title?
NO DAMMIT!

So if I have to see these types of headlines, I wonder why Pippa has not been listening to me all along. Dear Pippa: If you think you cannot get a date, GET A JOB!
No, I do not mean a real job like party planning or family business. Get a job in entertainment, so your life is not filled with nothingness. Go host "Forensic Files" or become this generation's "Wheel of Fortune" girl, something with longevity.

This is most frustrating thing in the world for me, and I am not even you. Is it not possible for you to record a pop album and use whatever software Rebecca Black did to get famous?

Maybe if you do something with your fame, people will not have to use your personal life as filler in tabloids.

I will give you credit Pippa. You are the one of the few people on Earth that can turn lack of accomplishment into something documentary-worthy and lustful-to-print.

1. You don't work in entertainment...yet you are in all the magazines.
2. You don't do porn (or soft porn), yet England is obsessed with your ass.
AND NOW
3. You are NOT dating anyone, and it is considered Celeb Gossip.

Well, Fuck a Doodle Doo!

Just because you are famous for doing nothing, does not mean you have to do nothing with your fame.

QATFYG:
Would you date Pippa?

If yes, Tweet about it.

The UC Podcast: Best Lyrics Ever and the iPhone Factory

2012-01-29T13:18:00.003-05:00

QATFYG:
Do you watch Downton Abbey? What are your favorite song lyrics of all time? Would you kill for an iPhone? Would you kill Nancy Grace?

American Trailer Tramp: The Brittany Kemp Pop album review

2012-01-29T11:12:00.000-05:00

disclaimer: I am writing this as a spoof of the Lana Del Rey reviews I keep encountering...rather holier-than-thou....here's an example.

Who is she and where did she come from? Does it matter? Whenever she returns to whatever meth capital she crawled out of, the sooner the better! I mean, meth is profitable, and guaranteed her voice is 90 percent autotune, she has more of a career in THAT than modern music. Somewhere, friends, Katy Perry is convulsing and crying. Convulsing, crying. Rinse and repeat.

Back in August, Brittany Kemp made the musical rounds with her song "Pinball Machine," which was quick to become a youtube sensation. The video was renowned for its redubbing of several Designing Women episodes. The song's lyrics were stale and predictable, if NOT a just....weird. As we hear Kemp's nicotine-infiltrated voice warble "When we have sex/I go back and forth/like a pinball ball/balllllll/boo-boo-de-boo." Whatever kind of sex this weirdo is having, I don't want to BE having. Ever. Keep your S and M freakyness to yourself, bloated white Rihanna.

Then, she appeared on The View for her television debut. Which was as painful to watch as it was to type. Kemp appeared to be in some kind of gigantic tampon apparatus. What was better than actually hearing her fail to perform her only TWO songs to date was Barbara Walters' face while Kemp flailed around pathetically like a trout that has been dropped on land too soon. And that could be the whole name of this game.....too soon.

"Did Brittany Kemp break the View? I think so #moron" Kirstie Alley tweeted in the aftermath of that fiasco. IF the View could be broken, one thinks this would have been accomplished by Joy Behar's voice years ago.

So now finally her debut album is here, American Trailer Tramp. If song titles like "I'm Your Nightmare Slut From 1973" with choruses that ring like "where is my coke attt? WHERE IS MY COKE ATTTT?" don't tell you how abysmal this effort is, well, then perhaps you will just have to (try very hard) to listen to it, in its awful and uncompromising entirety.

here are some running themes with the 12 song album:

- sanitary napkins
- doing coke
- doing coke while it snows in Aspen
- Ryan Reynolds
- living in a trailer in the middle of Brooklyn
- there, somehow, being trailers in the middle of Brooklyn
- I Heart Huckabees
- bowling
- trying to do coke while bowling
- and failing. miserably.

American Trailer Tramp seems like it was a good idea when Kemp was probably on several drugs at the same time, but in the unflinching light of day, it is a night-mare. Worse yet is Kemp, a legacy child, clinging to the misguided fact she is some poor-nobody-hit-it-big. Fact: this girl went to preschool in Monaco. I doubt she's ever worn overalls from Wal-Mart while skating around the mall. Let's get our information straight.

"I didn't ask to be famous," she said in an interview with NPR. "Just like Keyboard Cat, it kind of happened."

And just like Keyboard Cat, may she go away to some mythical meth lab that will hopefully explode.

......

HAPPY 3 YEAR ANNIVERSARY
<3

Hottest Milfs: #1, Don't Be Shocked, GWEN GWEN GWEN

2012-01-29T09:48:00.000-05:00

I know right? if you knew me, you knew this was bound to happen! BOUND! like the bad written lesbian movie! written in the cosmos!

First of all, Star Magazine, shut your dirty whore mouth. Gwen and Gavin will NEVAR split. NEVAR.

Doesn't she look like the coolest mom ever? Yet, also...the hottest? How does that work?

I have a hard time believing that time ever touched Gwen Stefani. Remotely. Even briefly. Like a fleeting kiss to the forehead.

I'M FEELING YUMMY HEAD TO TOE - Gwen Stefani

She's like, over forty. Still in outstanding shape. Still gorgeous. Still making a Chinese Democracy with No Doubt. It's cool. I can live.

And her little boys are super adorable! And they have playdates with the Jolie-Pitts! UGHHHHHHH

so, Gwen Stefani: ideal mom
foremost milf
possible demigoddess

An Open Letter to the Actress: Milena Govich

2012-01-28T15:47:00.005-05:00

Dear Milena Govich,

Hey, how are you?
What is up?
Well, I assume you might get 5-7 fan letters a week, but I hope the glitter on my envelope stood out to you. In all seriousness, I have not been the most loyal fan of your filmography, but in the opening credits of the 2006 show, “Conviction,” I got to see you in your underwear.

Ever since then, I have been one of your most active online stalkers (not a crime in all states I think). In the next letter, I promise to include an underwear photo for you, so we'll be even.

Milena, I remember even back to the days when you worked on one of those other 200 Dick Wolf projects you did...what was the name of that show? “Law and Order.” Yes, that was it. You made history as playing the first female lead detective on the “Law and Order” original franchise for your role as Detective Cassidy. However, I will have to note your performance was strongly tainted when Chevy Chase guest-starred and gave you the nickname, “Detective Sugar-Tits.” At least he was right.

By looking at your last name, I am going to take a wild guess and say that you are of “Serbian” decent. That would be cool because Serbians are hot. Just look at their tennis team and certain strapping American individuals. Slam. Come to think of it, Govich would be a great name to scream out while someone is performing oral sex on you. I hope that last statement was easy to understand…meaning your name sounds like Go Bitch. Anyway, it seems like you are already married, but one invitation I would like to extend to any woman from any walk of life…if you are rich, I can cook and do your dishes, and then, we can do all kinds of betrayals when the Lord of the House is away. Oh dear, I get so frisky just formulizing.

I hope to hear from you soon Milena,

Sincerely,

Rod Blagojevich

Hottest Milfs: #2 - CARLA BRUNI

2012-01-28T14:17:00.000-05:00

First of all, plenty of people talk smack on this David Bowie cover. It's cool, I'm not huge on Bowie, so I don't mind. Remember in the Wedding Singer when Drew Barrymore and Christina Taylor were discussing how sexy David Bowie is? that happened.

So it's probably not amazing but I love her voice and it calms me down after a panic attack. Which is nice.

Anyway, back to looking at her!

One day I want a hot French wife. is it possible? oui!

well, Carla is a relatively new addition to "milf." She just had her daughter in the past year! But she's still smoking and I kind of want to imprint on the kid. yeah that was creepy.

seriously though...

There are a lot of people that hate Carla Bruni. They are called "ugly."

question: are any of the Republican candidate wives MILFS? I don't think so :/

Hottest Milf Countdown #3- Cara Will Be Pissed- GISELE

2012-01-28T09:49:00.000-05:00

aka Tom Brady's pillow.

has there been a model in recent history better-looking than Leo's leftovers? and oh....SHE HAD BABEHS

BABEHS

WORK IT GIRL

she could have 9000 babies and she'd still be as hot as ST. ELMO'S FIRE.

#truth

Hottest Milf Countdown: Demi Moore @ #4 or An Emotional Outpouring

2012-01-27T07:09:00.000-05:00

Demi has fallen on rough times, as of late. And what can I say? Somewhere, my heart twitches for her. The former "Mrs. Kutcher" is one fierce lady- like the cast of the incredible Cougar Town all rolled into one. She doesn't deserve this! She's aged flawlessly after having several bbs with ex Bruce- do you remember Charlie's Angels? I'm a devout Cameron Diaz fan but who gave a shit in that film- DEMI WAS 40 AND LOOKED 20

So what if she likes to party! Who doesn't. She's transitioned well from the Brat Pack, she's done some impressive charity work, I've been told in person she's a "nice lady," she's raised some daughters ONE OF WHICH is Rumer Willis who is an all right actor in her own right. Yeah, Ashton screwed her over but SO WHAT. call Ryan Gosling, Demi! you two would be so great together!

so this is one tough MILF, even if she's MIA right now. she'll be back. CAN'T KEEP A HOT MILF DOWN. good luck Demi, this song is for you! and I hate Chris Martin!

SiriusXM gets in on the magic @ Canadian Music Week

2012-01-26T19:24:00.000-05:00

TORONTO, ON - January 26, 2012 - SiriusXM Canada (TSX: XSR), the country's leading audio entertainment company, today announced that it will host the SiriusXM Indie Awards as part of its sponsorship of Canadian Music Week. The 12^th annual celebration acknowledging the year's top Canadian independent bands will take place in Toronto at the Fairmont Royal York Hotel on Saturday, March 24, 2012.

The awards show will feature performances from some of last year's hottest artists including The Sheepdogs, Dan Mangan and Rich Aucoin. SiriusXM subscribers across Canada and the U.S. will be able to listen to the Awards and concert live on The Verge on XM 151 and Iceberg on SIRIUS 151.

"SiriusXM Canada is excited and proud to present the SiriusXM Indie Awards as part of Canadian Music Week," said Andreanne Sasseville, Director, Industry Relations and Canadian Content Development, SiriusXM Canada. "We're looking forward to showcasing an amazing night of performances from some of Canada's top independent artists - all of whom are taking North America by storm."

This year's SiriusXM Indie Awards travels the map to deliver a stellar line-up of performances by some of the year's breakthrough artists, including: crowd karaoke, confetti dance party of Halifax's Rich Aucoin; the vintage boogie and neo-psychedelic sound of Saskatoon's The Sheepdogs; the lushly textured folk of Vancouver's Dan Mangan; the driving gloss-rock sounds of Toronto's Young Empires; and the gritty garage-rock of Vancouver's The Pack A.D.

From south of the border, sonic visionaries Passion Pit will close out the evening with their brand of electro-pop in a headline concert. Fans will have the chance to hear some of their favourites from the bandís first two albums - Manners and Chunk of Change - while getting a sneak peek into new material from their forthcoming release due early this year.

Tickets for the SiriusXM Indie Awards are on sale now for $30.00 plus taxes through all Ticketmaster outlets, Rotate This, and Soundscapes, as well as online atwww.ticketmaster.ca, www.indies.ca. Ticket buyers may also call 1-855-985-5000 to charge by phone.

In addition to these performances, the 2012 SiriusXM Indie Awards will honour the achievements of 140 deserving artists across 28 categories when nominations are announced later this month.

For photos, updates, and announcements, please visit www.indies.ca.

HOTTEST MILF COUNTDOWN: #5 Diane Keaton

2012-01-26T07:12:00.000-05:00

I'm listening to Sleigh Bells as I write this, as to increase the intensity.

Diane Keaton is what we can easily refer to as the "eternal hottie." Look at her from the 1970s and she is gorgeous. like she was carved from marble. watch Annie Hall and seriously watch it it's one of the best movies of all time.

but DIANE HAD KIDS. flash forward

STILL HOT

how do some women age so gracefully? like Diane, whatever serum you are on, BB I WANT IT. and also- she's sharp as a whip and as funny as ever. her book! I just started to read it. holy shit. no wonder Al Pacino dated this lady.

she's wearing those glasses BETTER THAN YOU.

Diane Keaton: the thinkingwoman's milf, we salute you. la dee da.

question: WOULD SHE LISTEN TO SLEIGH BELLS WITH ME? oh hell that would be DOPE

Some Men Just Want to Watch the World Burn

2012-01-25T21:06:00.001-05:00

As of RECENT it has been my goal to listen through my CD collection meticulously and discard the refuse. It has been a slow-moving process, and there is much ground to cover.

And along the way I've rediscovered some greats.

I was supposed to attend a bar trivia game tonight, but my partners' in crimes' last minute decis'ion to go drinking in College Town US'A has' changed my plans'.

Thus, Babyland.

According to memory, Babyland WAS an "electronic junk punk" band from California. The two-man group was notable for its outdoor shows, where the percussionist, I guess, would bang on a variety of industrial equipment, use belt sanders on oil drums and other forms of madness. The premise is reminiscent of Einsturzende Neubauten's but the end result is a more kinetic experience, a sort of nihilistic, noisy dance music.

This particular album is called YOU SUCK CRAP. How cool is that?

If you could imagine a cross between Einsturzende Neubauten and Atari Teenage Riot, you'd be among the small minority that's familiar with those bands, German, over 30, and you'd understand what I'm talking about.

Babyland's work spans 20 years, culminating in their most mature work, Cavecraft. Allegedly, members of Babyland have gone on to smaller and worse things, but I've never heard any of it, so I am no authority on the subject.

Répondez, s'il vous plaît.

NEW COMEBACK KID SLEIGH BELLS CAN'T THINK STRAIGHT

2012-01-25T18:10:00.000-05:00

You can find a better version of this song here.

Sleigh Bells are touring North America. I am falling in love with them again.

TELL 'EM

Hottest MILF Countdown: #6 Kourtney Kardashian (#WhereCreditIsDue)

2012-01-25T16:22:00.007-05:00

This part of the countdown is one that I love. Kourtney Kardashian has had one of the most publicized, dramatized, and documented paths to motherhood. Almost every moment of her pregnancies have been thrown all over magazines and tabloids across the world, not to mention electronic and television media as well.

Hot Mom Look.

Regardless of how much attention falls on the blown-out-of-proportion lifestyles of the Kardashian Klan (heh), Kourtney has an amazing look. Her main strength in hotness is her combination of her feminine curves, exotic quality, trendsetting, and over all sex appeal. Here at The UC, an entire page on "Celeb Stuff," used to showcase Kourtney's appearances in Maxim as proof that she was hotter than Kim.

Remember this?
I remember this.

That is one of the hardwall debates I encounter all the time. People often battle on this, but Kourtney is hotter than sister, Kim. Tough.

QATFYG:
Who is the hottest Armenian you know?
What is the hottest trend to ever happen?
At last, how many kids will Kourtney have total?

Hottest MILF Countdown: #7 Mary Tyler Moore (You Know It)

2012-01-25T10:46:00.005-05:00

As this countdown rolls onward, it might appear that the #7 spot is almost time traveling. However, when dealing with the concept of hot mothers or to be more specific to the acronym, MILF, mothers I'd like to fork, Mary Tyler Moore pulls off all the qualities of a hot mom...and she did it for generations.

The most irrefutable fact going on here is Mary Tyler Moore was hot. She has the glamorous and finesse look of course, but also the realistic touch, which looks like the to-die-for hot mom next door.

Of course Mary Tyler Moore took motherhood on in a different role with "Like Mother, Like Son: The Strange Story of Sante and Kenny Kimes." My family swore this film was a bad influence on me. Thank You Mary.

Mary Tyler Moore is the mother of her only son, Richard Meeker.

QATFYG:
Would you hit this?
If not, get the fuck out.

a follow-up to the Digerati interview!

2012-01-24T18:30:00.001-05:00

thanks to Adrian for this IN ACTION pic!

Hottest MILF Countdown: #8 AJ Cook (Getting Personal)

2012-01-24T12:50:00.009-05:00

I love AJ Cook. See, that came out direct like all the good things in life. For the last six months, I have had some idea brewing about how to showcase my...fanatic tendencies...for AJ Cook.

Q: Is this another surprise?

A: Hell Yes.

AJ Cook is a name that is tossed around every once in awhile on some internet eZine, and her IMDB rolls on credits, both big screen and small screen.
Now, is a moment where I will confess some more of the motivation behind this bizarre obsession.

AJ Cook is adorable. That much is certain at first instinct. However, my obsession with her came from horror movie brainwashing. You read that correctly. I guarantee to you. Watch AJ Cook in "Final Destination 2" on repeat (minimum of three times), and tell me she is not the most screwable thing in the universe.

1st Time: She looks cute I guess.

2nd Time: Ok, I could see it.

3rd Time: Fuck Me!I wish I was Ali Larter in this scene.

Brainwashing involving MILFs is cool.
There you have it. I have a secret Celeb crush on AJ Cook.
AJ Cook is the mother of young Mekhai Allen Anderson.

QATFYG:
Who else wants to share something personal?

Hottest MILF Countdown: #9 Bristol Palin

2012-01-23T22:48:00.005-05:00

Bristol Palin has been on one of the world's most publicized and also most dramatized roads to being a hot mom. A lot of negative press has surrounded Bristol Palin. Part of it because of her family ties (you think?). Part of it is also her poor taste in men (you really think?). However, when you get to it all, Bristol Palin still looks hot. She has a good smile, and she has AMAZING legs, which were highlighted during her performances on "Dancing with the Stars." (I almost said DWTS without mentioning that I want to kill Nancy Grace...so close).

When Bristol Palin wore red on DWTS, the rest of the entire season fell to the background. I have never seen a single episode of "Dancing with the Stars," and I only know about this because her red dress was broadcast on the morning news. When you wear a short dress and show off your legs, and people think it's worthy of national media attention, you are hot. When I say news, yes it was FOX News, but that is kind of like news.

Mind you, Bristol performed in red after her pregnancy, and part of the coverage of her was not only related to her ties with that one mother of hers...she was a featurette on losing weight and maintaining a figure after giving birth.

QATFYG:
Did you believe me when I said I wanted to kill Nancy Grace?
JUST KIDDING (for legal reasons).

Oh, look another interview!: Young Digerati + Free Muzak

2012-01-23T20:15:00.000-05:00

First of all, these guys were pretty nice!

SECOND

Who are these good-looking boys? Why, they are the Young Digerati and they recognize the hankering you have for some 1980s synthpop. If you like things that sound good....and you should....you will like them!

They recently toured the WEST COAST with Oh Land! Pretty dope, if you ask me. Oh wait; you didn't.

This is how they describe themselves: Young Digerati are the architects of a synth-heavy, Anglo-centric, (small “r”) romantic sound that could have been built only in San Francisco (or in 1985).

read on to discover more....

because odds are, someday

YOU HEARD IT (read it?) here first ;)

So what's going on with you guys RIGHT now? - the dopes at the Useless Critic

Suave Young Band: Right now we're writing, writing, writing. We've put together a nice collection of about 25 songs and are adding more to that number weekly. We perform in Northern California mostly a couple times a month and are in the process of doing pre-production on our next EP which will be a 4 song release with a special "bonus track."That should be out before summer. We're following that release with touring.

You describe your music as "Anglocentric" a la Britpop. What made you go for that approach? - the UC

YD: Great question. We've actually been described as "anglocentric" and it's nothing we are really conscious of. Young D started in my (Frank) bedroom as a bunch of tinkering around with vintage synths and songwriting ideas. It didn't really become Young Digerati until I hit up an old touring mate (Jeff) to write some top-line and help me finish the songs. He brought a batch of songs to the table as well and we really kinda just dove into creating something that made us feel the way our childhood did. To us that meant pure Pop melodies surrounded by a swirling mess of jangly guitars, arpeggiators, analog synths and drum machines a la Talk Talk, Pet Shop Boys and New Order.

Your "Amanda" EP is up for free on the interwebs. What has the reaction been by fans, thus far?- UC

YD: So far it's been great. We've got loads of downloads from all around the world, airplay on Live105 and the attention of some really great people who are helping us take the Young D party to the next level ( Rocket Music ). Playing shows and hearing the crowds singing "The Dauphin" is by far the best feeling.

How have you grown as a band since your inception?- UC

YD: Young D has definitely evolved over the last ... year or so? We released The Dauphin in March '11 but Jeff and I wrote it probably around October/November of '10. Since then we've really spent some important time putting together the right people to make the writing and live show the best it possibly could be. The addition of Kelly Aure and Tim O'Neill has really taken the live show to the next level with not only great musicianship but the harmonies ... OH THE HARMONIES! Both are great songwriters as well so their distinctive uniqueness has definitely lent itself to our newer songs.

What's your best moment so far as a group? - UC

YD: That's tough. We recently played a sold out show in San Francisco with our good friend, great musician and roster mate Oh Land (!!!!!!!!!!!!) Dancing and singing along with such a great crowd was a brilliant experience. We also just spent the holidays in London, where the rest of Rocket Music was gathered. Having lunch with Elton John, Lily Allen, our good buddies Friends, the High Highs and a number of others was really an adventure. That one is gonna be difficult to top, but we're trying!

What's coming up next for the Young Digerati?

YD: We've got a number of shows we're gonna post on our facebook soon and then the release of the EP which we're SUPER pumped about.

What John Hughes film would you like to have been on the soundtrack of? - UC

YD: That's such a difficult question!!! I'm gonna have to say Weird Science.

thanks to Young Digerati! check them out!

Hottest MILF Countdown: #10 Jodie Sweetin (Surprise Beginning)

2012-01-23T01:37:00.009-05:00

The countdown is underway, and we are starting from 10 to 1. The number 10 spot goes to none other than Jodie Sweetin, who is unmistakable as the girl that played "Stephanie Tanner," on the now Nick at Nite-style sitcom, "Full House." She earns this spot because she has now topped 30 and taken the role of motherhood, but she still has strong powerful curves, and I hate to use this word with the English language, but I'll use it anyway...she looks bodacious.

It is no mystery that she has been on a series of ups and downs, but that seems to serve as a regular lifestyle marker for former child stars. Even at this time in life, Jodie Sweetin still rocks the bold and sexual look.

Now you don't have to pretend you were looking at her face.

QATFYG:
Have you ever called anyone bodacious?
Please say yes.

Milf Week: Or Hot Mom Week Si Vous Plait

2012-01-23T01:26:00.003-05:00

Hello Bonjour.
It might rhyme with Funday, but Monday is quite the opposite. However, to give people something to smile about and a reason to wake up today, we've got Milfs. Say what? Hot Moms.

My name is Nader, and I am not running for president this year. However, in a more productive role, Brittany and I will count down the top MILFs on the Planet Earth during the course of the next 5-7 Days. Hottest. Sexiest. Most Attractive. Most Desirable. Or just je ne sais quoi.

To think those baboons at the job center said I lacked skills.

QATFYG:
Are you excited?

Alex Guest Posts or "The Tenth Man"

2012-01-22T21:10:00.000-05:00

This is the first in a series of essays by Alex. We went to college together but we didn't really talk in college. SO IT GOES.

What the Tenth Man Does

Wherein I have a bit to drink, an ordeal ensues and we learn to be careful when being ourselves

Slouching with my back against the bar, eyes fixed toward the nearest television in a feeble attempt to feign interest in Pittsburgh sports, I caught myself wondering how long I had been here. The Squirrel Hill Cafe (more commonly referred to by the misnomer of, “the cage”) is like that; a foggy sort of doldrums, wherein, time becomes as relevant as a new, “Bon Jovi” release. Taking a moment to glance at my phone, the realization that I had no reference for what time I had walked to the cage legitimately disheartened me. I was now on my second drink, meaning any amount of time between five minutes and a full hour had passed since I began waiting for a friend of mine, Bill, such is the problem of the cage.

However, as I took another sip of my well-whiskey and coke, I was reminded of why I enjoyed coming here so often. Yes, the cheapest whiskey was slightly cheaper, here, than most other bars, though, the real incentive to come was a twofold fact of my life; Any dive bar within four blocks of my house will receive traffic from me and I will, eventually, recognize everyone there well beyond my own liking. I actually thought this, to myself, as I surveyed the room. I soon found one of my favorites in the usual cast of characters, a girl whom I've often thought of as some variety of techno-folk hero.

            I visit the cage frequently, living so close and with what the so called, “public transportation system of Pittsburgh”, being what it is, and without fail, I have always seen this girl at the cage. The situation usually remains the same; She is always alone, slightly over weight and is notorious for playing well over one's fair share of techno/electronica/dub-step on the jukebox. She orders the same pitcher of light beer and hardly ever speaks to anyone, though I've seen her in the process of being hit on by men, easily twice her age. Do not allow my, admittedly, grim perspective to mean that she seems unhappy; as a point of fact, she seems quite happy with her routine. So much so that I've actually seen her dance, by herself, to the music she had put on not minutes before.

            The outside door opened, letting in a rush of cold night air. Bill had walked in and we exchanged the usual trivialities of how we were, what was up and what was new. We then took a seat at a recently opened booth, which I had been keeping my eye on. Upon finishing my whiskey-coke, we ordered a pitcher of Sam Adams' Winter Lager, (very well priced, I'd like to add) and I asked Bill,

            “Strange question for you; Are you late?”
            “Yeah I am, about, like, ten minutes.”
            “Right, I kind of lose track of time in here.” I replied,
            “What have you been doing?”

            “I've been watching the techno girl, the one in the dress.”

            Bill looked back toward her and I glanced up to the television. The Steelers had lost and the game had been turned off, and like clockwork, I watched as she proceeded to gently abuse the jukebox. Bill looked at me incredulously and asked, “Why?” with a certain bluntness for which I respect him all the more.
            “She is kind of a conundrum, happy when by all outward appearances she shouldn't be. It brings up a lot of questions about some of the, 'be yourself' stuff.”
            “You're not recommending that she not be herself, right?”
            “Maybe; I wouldn't say that being oneself is always a good idea. I wouldn't recommend it to a lot of people, actually. Dane Cook is a fine example.”
            “We're always ourselves, its all that we're capable of, really.”

Our beer had arrived and, instinctively, Bill lit a cigarette while I mirrored him.

            “I don't believe that. No, more than disbelief, I'll argue that it isn't possible. There are too many pressures from our culture and the status quo.”
            “I'm not talking about the state of nature.”
            “Neither am I, its the social contract. We're able to do whatever we want, but there are social reprisals. I'm saying that, as a result of her eccentric personality, she limits her own potential to meet like-minded people. If she were to, say, take mercy on the jukebox and tone herself down a bit, I'm sure that she would make friends.”
            “You're assuming she wants to make friends-”
            “Only by how often she is here, alone.” I interjected.

            “Still, you're making an assumption that she isn't happy based on the idea that she doesn't have any friends, excuse me.”



            As I stood and made my was across the bar, the sensation that I was willfully doing something stupid hit me particularly hard. To my credit, instead of being reasonable and ignoring my curiosity, I approached the bar, ordered a shot for myself and addressed her.
            “Hey!” I chirped with a touch of thinly strained enthusiasm, “Hows it going, tonight?”. “Good!” She replied, matching my cheery tone, adding the required, “How are you?”. “Oh, I'm doing great. You know, I think I've seen you here a couple times before.” I lied. She commented on how she thought that she had seen me here before, as well, which was obviously nonsense. We had seen each other here dozens of times before, I may have actually 'booed' her for the jukebox abuse one night. My shot of middling shelf whiskey came and I took it with a certain amount of gusto; I would compare it to the way one might swig from a bottle while they pilot a ship over a waterfall.

            “So, why do you come to the cage? Are you new to the area?” I continued to chirp, attempting to move the conversation toward her opinions about friendship. She responded by admitting that she had actually seen me a number of times here, in turn I mentioned that I had heard the music she plays. In no time at all, I found myself on the wrong end of a lecture on the technical aspects of dub-step. Content to wait until I could steer the conversation back toward the subject of friendship, I began to nod along. After a few moments, I glanced over her shoulder to lock eyes with Bill through the time-altering fog of The Squirrel Hill Cafe.

            I'll take a moment to say, as it turned out on the day of these events, I had eaten very little. In addition to this, I had drank two mixed drinks, a beer and a shot of whiskey in under fifteen minutes. Being a relatively thin guy, combined with circumstance and a moderately low alcohol tolerance (and a healthy dose of fatally good intentions, to be fair), this led to my being buzzed without fully being aware of it ever happening.

            Bill looked at me and his expression clearly asked a question, which was, “I thought you disliked that girl? Why are you flirting with her?” The realization that my actions were being misinterpreted couldn't have been timed better, as I turned back to regard this, still nameless, techno-dub-step-folk-hero. I had ignored most of what she was saying to me, regarding dub-step and the like, and this seemed to go completely unnoticed as she said, perfectly on cue, “Its cool that we both like dub-step! Lets hang out, whats your number?”

            We must acknowledge that all people lie, from priests to cynics, our politicians to our homeless, none of us can be without blame, there. Having said that, I will admit that I am all too capable of telling a lie, I'll go so far as to call myself a good liar, even. Alternatively, when I find myself fence sitting between telling the truth and lying, I have a habit of going blank-faced and fumbling to gain more time.

            Ignoring the fact that she had assumed that I enjoyed dub-step, I rushed to disarm a potentially explosive scenario by mumbling a prolonged, “Ohh, errr. I”, which lasted momentarily before she broke my cover. “Oh, do you have a girlfriend?” Her demeanor dropped noticeably and an overwhelming sense of panic took hold of me. Thinking quickly, I chose to cut the 'blue wire' of, “No, but I-” only to nick the red, yellow and green wires in the process by finishing with, “I'd really rather not. I mean, no thank you. I'm sorry, I don't like dub-step.”

            The moment of silence following my awful, disjointed statement was the definition of arduous. I was more than a little horrified and the ghostly expression on my face did nothing to help my poor choice of words. Finally, I broke the silence by apologizing while slowly backing away. Through the fog, I drifted back to the table. As I sat down, I noticed that Bill looked thoroughly amused.

            “What did you learn, Alex?”
            “Jesus, Bill.”

            I looked back toward her, through the foggy graveyards of cigarettes and over the womping din of electronica. She was clearly unhappy now, not to mention embarrassed. All of this brought about by my dim curiosity of how people I find annoying think. I watched her slumping down at the bar, looking into her drink, now suddenly discontent with her routine and knew I was at fault. However, I then observed something that I believe is worth mentioning. A young guy, good looking as far as men go, and about my age, approached her and began to strike up conversation. I turned to Bill and spoke.

            “What the tenth man does influences the rest.”
            “You think that guy is talking to her because you just did the same thing?”
            “Yeah, pretty much. If not entirely then I definitely influenced it to some extent.”
            “People aren't sheep, dude. You didn't make it 'okay' to for someone else to talk to her.”
            “Yes they are, which is exactly why I advocate eating the fuckers!”

            We then shared a toast and a great deal of boasting and feasting followed. In truth, I can not know how heavily my influence effected that girl's life. What I can say is that in the months that followed I saw her less frequently at the cage, which, fairly, is about as often as the other cast members there. When I would notice her there, she would typically be surrounded by her friends and I must admit that I somewhat like the idea that I helped to do that. Alternatively, I realize she must hate me for my, albeit good intentioned, tipsy and rambling rejection/insult combination.

Then, of course, I realize that she is still playing the same god-awful list of songs on the jukebox and that I disliked her from long before I had spoken with her. I can not help but notice how very little was accomplished through this ordeal; such is the problem with the cage.

Epic Fail: So True

2012-01-22T19:16:00.001-05:00

Thank you Sami Cambell Cowsert for sharing this one.

Amelia Earhart: Bringing New Meaning To "Airhead"

2012-01-21T18:21:00.000-05:00

So Al's post about Ainsley Earhardt continues to be ravingly popular. Good for Al and the bitch with a great name. However, I, in my blinding stupidity, always misread it as...

AMELIA EARHART!

and then I think "why is it so popular?" DUHHHH. Amelia Earhart hasn't been a celebrity sensation since the 1930s. and we all know the 1930s were so long ago.

so very long ago!

LIFE WHY MUST YOU BE SO HARD

my best friend's great-great-uncle invented the folding chair. cool huh? shut up. anyway, because of this invention, my best friend's family has an autographed photo of AMELIA. yup! my great great grandfather invented the Kemp Shredder. google that shit. I would be the heir to something if so many people hadn't been injured by it.

this is it. yeah don't hate.

so! Amelia Earhart gained her fame for being one brave lady aviator, way back in the day. like she was crossing all over all kinds of bodies of water. this was when that was a big deal. do aviators get a lot of recognition these days? I DON'T THINK SO. by the way, I was at a Country Fair recently and some old man called me "Amelia Earhart." I was like "THANKS THAT'S ONE OF THE BETTER THINGS I'VE BEEN CALLED!"

Then, she disappeared. Did she crash? Well probably. Was she abducted by aliens? THAT I could not tell you. But a multitude of theories exist about her disappearance:

- Nazis!

- she got stuck on an island and lived there for a while!

- THE JAPANESE!

- she died!

supposedly the longtime mystery was solved by modern science (think CSI) recently. as in she just probably crashed, lived for a while, and then died. and if you think about it there's everyone's life. "lived a while and died."

a few years ago, Hilary Swank played Amelia in a film. Of course Hilary was the natural choice to play her, as in SHE DIES.

"hey everyone, they're making a film about Terri Schiavo! GUESS WHO IS PLAYING TERRI!"- #mean #terrischiavojokesarentfunny #godhelpme #helliswarmatleast

question: what do you think happened to Amelia?

would you ever like to take flying lessons?

have you taken flying lessons?

why are Nazis blamed for everything?

Hitler really didn't flee to Argentina after WWII, right?

whateverrrrr

Volunteer Service in North Korea

2012-01-21T13:51:00.003-05:00

QATFYG:
Volunteer Service in North Korea?

Is it possible?

Click the newest "Be Useful" page to find out.

when you just stopped believing in love!

2012-01-21T10:13:00.000-05:00

as long as online dating exists, I JUST WON'T STOP

RIP HEIDIKLUMSEALRUMBABOT

you were so good together. so good.