The User Pool

Problem Resolution

2009-07-18T01:01:04Z

Bonnie Bod has been locked up again.

It was really very simple to eliminate her as a problem.

After having extracted a confession from Gladstone, Jack Bauer style, I called Pangbourn and told him that Bonnie Bod had tried to breech our network for the purposes of Terrorist activities again. I told him I had no hard evidence of this, but I did have strong suspicions.

That was good enough for him.

Pangbourn then called Home Land Security again and told them that Bonnie Bod had tried to breech our network for the purposes of Terrorist activities again. He told them that he had no hard evidence of this, but he did have strong suspicions.

That was good enough for them.

Bonnie Bod has once again been taken into custody for covert terrorist activities. Unfortunately, they will not be able to take her to Guantanamo Bay this time.

Gladstone has been put on probation. He is not allowed to fuck any User who has not been approved by The User Pool committee, which is chaired by me and includes Kessler, McKinney, Petrizzo, and Conklin.

We're also assigning at least one embarassing task daily to be completed by him as punishment. It's like he has to pledge back into the club.

Today's task: walk around the office with a paper toilet seat cover sticking out of the back of his pants. He had to pretend he didn't know it was there. That's been pretty entertaining today.

Smithee is back to his normal, imaginary self. But based on the emails he's getting from Blair, it sounds like Bonnie Bod's version of Smithee charmed Blair extremely well, because she's now talking dirty to him.

As long as Blair is talking dirty to Smithee, she will not talk dirty to me. Although technically, either way now, she's talking dirty to me. Which makes it odd that I'm jealous that she's talking dirty to Smithee.

The only way to eliminate my jealousy and Blair's infatuation with my imaginary boss was to have Smithee piss her off again.

Sometimes the best way to piss off Blair is to ignore her. On the other hand, sometimes the best way to seduce Blair is to ignore her.

So ignoring Blair was out.

Smithee has pissed Blair off before by making plans with her to have dinner then standing her up. Smithee can hardly be blamed for not showing up since he doesn't exist, but she doesn't know that so she, of course, immediately blames him.

I decided this was the best approach. However, I also decided to spice it up a little. Smithee continued to talk dirty to her via email today, then told her they should meet at a motel. Smithee said he would pre-pay for a room, leave the key for her, and that she should bring something sexy, go up to the room and wait for him.

I made it a cheap motel--you know, the kind that might make her feel like a hooker. The price for the room was worth it (only about $60).

Blair will be getting to the motel around 8:00 p.m. tonight. She'll get all sexy and ready to go, and then she'll wait. And wait. And get more and more pissed off as the minutes and hours go by.

It's not Smithee's fault. You can't blame a guy who doesn't exist. You can only blame yourself for something like this. And maybe me...

Jack X

2009-07-11T21:40:50Z

Gladstone found himself in the backseat of his own car with a hood over his head so that he wouldn't know where Kessler and I were taking him. I made it a white hood, just to inject a little sardonic humor into the situation. He didn't find it funny.

When I pulled the hood off, he found himself tied to a chair in Chelsea the Intern's living room.

"Okay, very funny guys," he said. "It's real amusing."

Chelsea the Intern brought out a bag, then started placing the items in the bag on the table next to him.

"You think this is amusing?" I asked.

The items she placed on the table were:

Curling Iron
Spatula
HD cable
Toothpick
Spoon
Purple dildo the size of my fist

Gladstone looked up at me, rolled his eyes.

I hovered around Gladstone for a moment, just to make him sweat. He was calm though. Like he didn't fear pain or death. Or couldn't imagine what I was capable of.

"You know what we want," I said. "Make it easy on yourself... Or I use one of those on you."

I indicated the table with all the items that Chelsea the Intern had carefully laid out. He chuckled.

"What are you going to do with a spoon?"

"Worry about the dildo."

He swallowed hard. But maintained his ignorance.

"I don't know anything."

I grabbed him by his shirt and yelled: "Where is Smithee?!!!"

He looked me square in the eye and said: "In your head."

I instructed Kessler to administer the Chinese Water Torture. He walked over to Gladstone with a glass of water and drenched him with it.

"I don't think that's how it works," I said.

Gladstone blurted out a few profanities; Kessler snickered.

"Are you still fucking Fiona the Cunt?" I asked.

"No. I'm not fucking that bitch anymore."

"Cunt," Chelsea said, correcting him.

"Did you tell anyone about Smithee? About the password? Anything?"

"No," he confirmed. "I wouldn't tell anyone at work about that. Come on, you know me better than that."

And then it struck me. Gladstone is a smart guy, but sometimes he just doesn't connect all the dots. His brain tends to turn to mush when pussy is involved.

"Did you tell anyone who doesn't work at our company?"

"Huh?" he said, not fully understanding the relevance. That one little dot that didn't get connected.

"Did you tell anyone outside the company?" I repeated.

He had that dumb look on his face for a moment, but I clearly could see when he started to connect all the dots.

He looked up at me and said," Oh shit."

Kessler and Chelsea the Intern both threw up their arms and let them drop to their sides, knowing the light bulb which should have gone on a long time ago finally came on.

"Who?" I asked. "Give me the name."

"I started fucking her, and didn't tell you because you thought she was all psycho and shit."

I knew right then and there who it was. Well, you gotta love Gladstone's warped sense of logic. He didn't want to tell me that he was fucking one of my former Users because I thought she was a psycho, which she is. But he didn't want me to give him shit for fucking a psycho because he was going to fuck her regardless. After all, psycho pussy, sane pussy--it's all the same.

And after all this shit started going down with Smithee, he didn't stop to think that the psycho he was fucking, the psycho who had a clear motive for revenge against me, was possibly the person pretending to be Smithee.

It was the User who went crazy on me.

It was the User I framed for terrorism, just to get her off my back.

It was Bonnie Bod...

24 (-16)

2009-07-08T23:13:26Z

9:00 a.m. Dink-boom, dink-boom, dink-boom...

Gladstone is back from New Orleans. I need to find him. Question him. But this time, I'll have to do whatever it takes to get the answers. He's the only person who can lead me to Smithee.

10:08 a. m. Dink-boom, dink-boom, dink-boom...

Nobody knows where Gladstone is. Not even his boss, Tefft. She tries to sell me some of her daughter's Girl Scout cookies. It must be a diversion. I tell her the Girl Scouts are really a front for a left wing radical organization trying to brainwash Republicans with mind control drugs they bake into the cookies. I told her to Google it. That'll keep her busy for a while.

11:25 a.m. Dink-boom, dink-boom, dink-boom...

Gladstone still can't be found. He knows what's coming. He must have been on Twitter while in New Orleans.

On my way back to my office, Tawny the Temp skips by with a smile on her face. I go into my office and find something wrapped in a newspaper on my desk. (I wasn't aware newspapers still existed). I slowly unwrap the paper and find a cooked Halibut steak inside. Someone sending me a message. Apparently I won't be "swimming with the fishes" but rather "frying with the fishes". An anonymous death threat, most likely from Smithee. Either that, or my assistant Teri picked me up some lunch.

12:02 p.m. Dink-boom, dink-boom, dink-boom...

I stop by Blair's office to find out if she's still terrorizing Smithee for sexual harassment. But the answer is No. Somehow, Smithee charmed her into dropping the charges. No wonder Smithee's back on my case. I need answers, and I need them now.

12:12 p.m. Dink-boom, dink-boom, dink-boom...

I have sex with Blair in her car in the parking garage. Okay, I guess I needed sex. Now I need answers.

1:10 p.m. Dink-boom, dink-boom, dink-boom...

Kessler intercepts an email from Gladstone to Marci the Plush Coordinator asking her to pick up some lunch for him. She's one of his Users. He's staked out in the other building in the 10th floor conference room.

Kessler and I follow Marci the Plush Coordinator out of the building and to the deli where she buys a foot-long grinder with all the works. We corner her outside.

We have to convince her to work for us. Gladstone can't know we're on to him. But she's loyal to him because he's apparently got a big dick. So I tell her what kind of man he really is...

"Bi-sexual."

She's immediately on board. She's nervous though. She's got to pretend she doesn't know anything. And she's got to pretend to be happy to see him.

1:35 p.m. Dink-boom, dink-boom, dink-boom...

Marci the Plush Coordinator delivers the grinder. Kessler and I are just outside the door. We've got to catch him off-guard; when he's at his most vulnerable. While he's stuffing his face.

Everything is quiet. Too quiet. We storm the conference room. Shit... Forgot this conference room had another exit. He took Marci with him, probably knows we used her. I have a moment of guilt--that I used an innocent person for my own selfish purposes. But then I remember: I do that every day.

He'll disappear now for the rest of the day. But I have one chance to get him left. It's a long shot. Well, actually, it'll be quite easy.

4:58 p.m. Dink-boom, dink-boom, dink-boom...

Gladstone walks to his car. He looks around, makes sure the coast is clear. He gets in his car, starts the engine.

I pop up from the backseat, Gladstone screams like a girl.

5:00 p.m. Dink-boom, dink-boom, dink-boom...

Tomorrow's episode: Gladstone's Interrogation; Jack Bauer Style...

Tree Sex in Miami

2009-07-01T02:02:35Z

While Blair is keeping Smithee at bay until Gladstone's return from his boondoggle in New Orleans, I'll tell you a quick story about my trip to Miami.

First day, I fell out of a tree trying to fuck a local Cuban girl I met at a bar.

Her name was Dominga. After a couple of tequila shots at the bar, we started talking about the differences between Miami and LA.

I brought up the fact that people in Miami for some reason don't indulge in the popular LA practice of tree sex. This immediately caught her attention and she actually believed this was a common activity among Angelenos.

"Why?" she asked. "Why would you have sex in a tree?"

"Have you ever done it?" I asked.

She had to think about it for a minute. "No."

I told her there was almost nothing better than fucking in a tree. And of course, it's not something that can be explained; it's something that must be experienced.

I told her:

It was one of the Kama Sutra positions.
It's what started the sexual revolution in the 60's.
It's how Demi snagged Ashton.

A couple more shots, some fondling at the bar, and Dominga was ready to climb a tree.

We found a tree on the other side of the parking lot, which was not very well lit. It was a good tree for climbing; a good tree for sex.

While Dominga seemed good at climbing trees, she was not very good at staying in a tree.

Maybe it was the tequila.

We started making out on a nice sturdy limb, then I snaked my hand up her skirt and just when the real wood was about to come out, she decided to steady herself on a limb that wasn't there.

She fell forward, I tried to catch her, but she swung to my back and I slid down the side of the trunk of the tree scraping my side to shreds; then I fell to the ground with Dominga on top.

Luckily, it was my ass that broke the fall, not my wood. Dominga jumped clear before I hit, otherwise she would have broken my fall.

Dominga laughed at first, then she got up and steadied herself. She looked relatively unscathed, though shaken up. Definitely, shaken up.

Which is probably why Dominga then puked on the tree.

I looked up at her and smiled.

"Well," I said. "I guess this is why people in Miami do not have sex in trees."

Under the Bus

2009-06-24T00:47:00Z

Fucking over your imaginary boss is not as difficult as it sounds.

I'm sure Smithee thought he was in a good position to fuck me over because he does not exist. However, there were a few factors he might not have considered.

While Smithee cannot say I am one place if I am actually someplace else, I can always say Smithee is anywhere because he is always nowhere.

And while Smithee cannot say I am doing one thing if I am actually doing something else, I can always say Smithee is doing anything because he is always doing nothing.

On Friday, Smithee accused me of having sex in the Comm closet with with Minoo the HR Coordinator at noon. I was actually having sex in my office with Lucia at noon; my assistant confirmed that I was in a meeting at that time.

Smithee also accused me of flirting with Maricruz at 3:00pm when I was supposed to be in a Marketing meeting. I was actually flirting with Lucretia at 3:00pm when I was supposed to be in a Home Furnishings meeting.

I told Teri to create a second fake schedule for me. I was almost positive Smithee's only sources of intel were Tawny the Temp and Gladstone. So I told Gladstone about the Comm closet and flirting with Maricruz; and Tawny got a look at my schedule.

And they proved my theory.

Now it was my turn.

As I mentioned, since Smithee is imaginary, I could have said anything. But I didn't want it coming from me. So I decided to unleash pure relentless fury on Smithee; a force so fierce and evil, once set in motion, it becomes impossible to stop.

I told Blair that Smithee thought she was fat.

Okay, it didn't come out that blunt. I let the cat out of the bag in a much more subtle way. Had her drag it out of me; made it something I pretended I didn't want to tell her. Something that slipped.

I changed Smithee's email password again, but told nobody this time. On Friday, he sent Blair a couple of flirty emails; I know just what Smithee needs to say to get her all hot and bothered. Then I dropped the fat bomb.

By the end of the day, Triplet wanted to see Smithee in her office. And not because I complained about anything; Blair submitted the complaint--for sexual harassment.

Nobody seems to be able to reach Smithee.

I don't want Smithee fired. He's been a great boss up until now. But I do want the evil spirit that has possessed his imaginary body to be exorcised from him. This will hopefully do it.

I'm in Miami this week. But I'm going to pull a Jack Bauer on Gladstone's ass when I get back. He will give me answers. One way or another.

My Left Nut

2009-06-19T00:09:53Z

Last week, my imaginary boss Smithee threatened to remove my left nut by Monday if I didn't pay Tawny the Temp for sexual services rendered.

I didn't pay on Monday and I still have my left nut.

Normally, I am not very intimidated by threats; even less so when I am being threatened by an imaginary person.

At the same time, I adore my nuts.

It's kind of like being in the Hatch on Lost and typing in the magic number every 108 minutes so that the world doesn't end.

If there's even the slightest possibility that my precious nut might be be removed, maybe I shouldn't take this imaginary person's threat too lightly.

I decided to compromise.

I sent Smithee a coupon for one free session of sex with Chelsea the Intern. I told him it was better than getting the cash, since Chelsea the Intern charges more than Tawny the Temp. A real value deal.

I did not get a reply. Nor did I lose my nut.

However, today, I got another email from Smithee asking for a status update on all my projects. This was odd for three reasons:

It was strictly business
It came from Smithee's company email account and we changed the password just last week
I did not send the email to myself

I then came to the realization that while Gladstone is not the one fucking with me, he is somehow responsible without knowing it.

"Who are you sleeping with?" I asked him.

"I'm not sleeping with Fiona anymore," he said.

"That's not what I asked. Who are you sleeping with? Who's in your User Pool?"

Gladstone hesitated, but then rattled off the list. Nobody that had a grudge against me, as far as I could tell. But I still felt like he was holding out on me.

"That's it?" I asked.

"That's it," he confirmed.

Bullshit.

Today I was called down to HR by Triplet, the VP of HR. She informed me that there was a performance problem.

"Says who?" I asked.

"Smithee," she said.

"You spoke to him?"

"Yes."

"Face to face?"

"Well, via email," she said.

Now my imaginary boss is complaining about my performance. This is very disturbing for me. Smithee and I have always had such a good relationship. Well, it was a little rocky when Nick Zima was playing him, but that was all resolved a long time ago.

Now I feel he's just out to get me.

"Let's get him down here," I said. "I want to face my accuser."

Triplet made the call. My assistant Teri answered, and no surprise, Smithee was in a meeting.

I stood up.

"Please reschedule the meeting for a time that Smithee can attend," I said, and left Triplet's office.

I now see that this is more than just settling an unpaid debt. In fact, this has nothing to do with Tawny the Temp. This is a grudge. The performance complaint is just the first strike. It's going to get worse. Much worse. This is a grudge, all right. This is war.

Smithee in the Sky with Diamonds

2009-06-13T19:26:46Z

Monday

After my imaginary boss sent me that kind email threatening to remove my left testicle if I didn't pay his ho, I decided a little tree therapy was in order. I tried to explain to Fred the Therapist:

"My imaginary boss sent me an email," I said.

"The imaginary boss you made up that everyone else believes is real?"

"That's the one."

"Was it an imaginary email or a real one?"

"Real."

"Did you send it to yourself?"

"Not that I recall."

"Then I see your dilemma. I don't think the tree is going to help."

At that moment, I saw Una in her office on the second floor. She still had that sweet, sexy, insane look in her eye as she watched me standing in the tree. Since Fred the Therapist couldn't help me with my dilemma, I decided to go see what Una could do.

A blowjob and sex on her desk.

Well, Una didn't solve my dilemma, but visiting her was a good diversion.

Tuesday

I decided I wasn't insane. So if not insane, who could have sent me the email? Only someone who had access to the mailbox. There are only three:

I interrogated each, including Nick via phone who was on location in Brazil. They all swore it wasn't them and that they hadn't given out the email password. I interrogated Gladstone a little more closely.

"You sure you didn't say anything to Fiona?" I asked.

"Of course not," he said.

"What do you mean, 'Of course not'? You fuckin' told her all my shit, why wouldn't you tell her this?"

"I said nothing about Smithee. I swear."

I didn't know what to do. So I fucked Lucia in the Comm Closet.

Wednesday

I confronted Tawny the Temp in the kitchen.

"Who the fuck do you work for?" I blurted out once I had her pinned up against the counter and microwave.

"You know who I work for."

"Smithee?"

"That's right."

"Have you ever seen him?"

"No," she said. "I got a request through my agency for a temp job. It's a great gig. Everyone around here is so fucking sexually pent-up. The money is great--when people pay... 30% goes to Smithee."

I immediately thought: How come I only get 20% from Chelsea?

Then I got suspicious. Is Tawny the Temp just playing dumb? Or...

"Are you Smithee?"

"What?"

"Do you have a pimp that doesn't really exist?"

"Make up my own boss? That would be insane," she said. "Smithee is real. You should know, he's your boss."

I was beginning to think insanity was again the answer.

I went and found Chelsea. I complained about the 20%, so she fucked me in my office and reminded me that I get that shit as a bonus.

Thursday

I had lunch with Blair. I asked her if she had seen Smithee lately. She said yes, just this morning. I knew immediately Blair was as insane as ever and that she had nothing to do with this.

I had sex with Blair that night on a swing set in the park.

Friday

I got another email from Smithee, but this time from a private gmail account (real.smithee@gmail.com). It said:

Pay Monday or lose your nut.

I should probably just pay. I don't like my testicles being threatened. This whole thing is really stressing me out. So I let Maricruz sooth my nuts last night in the bleachers at the high school.

But the question remains: Who is Smithee?

Pimps and Hos

2009-06-05T01:17:39Z

After a few anonymous death threats this week, I received an email message today that revealed the identity of Tawny the Temp's pimp. Well, sort of.

I told Chelsea the Intern what happened when I went out with Tawny the Temp last week. She gave me that I told your ass so look, but didn't gloat about it because she was too infuriated for being right about that bitch. She wanted to take quick action against the temp to remedy the situation.

"I know a guy," she said.

"Okay, I don't want to know about a guy you know who could remedy the situation. Besides, there's another player who might know a guy too."

I told her about the anonymous pimp and the death threats because I didn't pay.

"You didn't pay?" she said. "You have to pay."

"Are you defending her?"

"No, I'm defending the profession. There are ethics to consider, you know."

"Ethics with prostitution?" I asked.

"That's right."

"Well, she should have disclosed before we did it. Aren't there any ethics about that?"

"She didn't disclose?" she asked, again surprised. "Oh, then you're okay. You negotiate up front. If she didn't do that, you have a solid case."

Somehow, I didn't think this would be going to court.

Chelsea the Intern did some recognizance, but didn't uncover much. She ran into Tawny the Temp several times during the week, gave her the death stare, but just got it right back. Enemies for life.

The best thing to do in a situation like this is to get the bitch fired. But until I unveil the anonymous pimp...

Late in the day today the pimp was revealed via email:

Jason:

I hate to be a hard ass about this, but business is business. You owe my girl $250 for the other night. If you don't pay, I'll deduct it from your paycheck.

Oh, and I'll also have to remove your left testicle.

Cheers,

Smithee

Well, there you have it. Or not.

This came from Smithee's email. Either I am insane and Smithee does exist or... I am insane and I'm sending messages to myself as Smithee.

I think I need to go into hiding.