The Vampire Handbook

Dear Jennifer: My Parents Don't Let Me Have any Privacy

noreply@blogger.com (Katfrog) — Tue, 16 Feb 2021 16:33:00 +0000

Dear Jennifer,

Have parents always been so controlling? My mom and dad don't let me have any privacy. They go through my phone, my messages, my emails, whenever they want. Some weeks it's every day. One time, they woke me up at 2am to search my phone.

I hate feeling like this, like I am worthless. What do I do?

- Sneaking to the Library to Send this

Dear Sneaking,

I am so sorry that your parents are treating you as untrustworthy. No, parents have not always been that way, though times were very different when I grew up. My parents were merchants in a large town. I worked in their store, restocking shelves and running the register, from a rather young age. Back then, everyone needed to help out and kids were trusted to handle themselves because they had to.

I think you need to speak with a school counselor about your situation, because your parents are not letting you set reasonable boundaries for yourself. This means that you have no practice in setting boundaries, a situation that usually ends badly for the person in your shoes.

Even if the school counselor can't help with your parents, they should be able to help you learn the skills necessary for setting boundaries with other people in your life.

Jennifer

Dear Sarah: A New Advice Column for Vampires

noreply@blogger.com (Katfrog) — Thu, 14 Jan 2021 18:21:00 +0000

Greetings, Readers! My name is Sarah, and I am starting a new advice column for vampires and other supernatural people. Why, you ask? Because Dear Jennifer started receiving a lot of email from vampires and we decided to separate out the mail into normal human and supernatural human space.

Dear Sarah,

I was approached yesterday by two rather burly human young men, asking me if I needed henchmen. Henchmen? I mean, do people really use henchmen?

Anyway, I am an accountant, so I do not really need henchmen or... whatever. I told them I was not interested, but they seem to think that they need to prove themselves to me.

Help! How do I convince them to leave me alone? And how do I explain that no one really needs henchmen?

- Confused in Chicago

Dear Confused,

Well, this is a new one for me. Henchmen? Really?? I suppose if you are an evil overlord, you might need henchmen. But an accountant? Not so much.

Have you thought about showing them why you don't need their protection? A little demonstration might go a long way.

Dear Jennifer: I Want to be a Vampire

noreply@blogger.com (Katfrog) — Mon, 11 Jan 2021 12:30:00 +0000

Dear Jennifer,

I want to become a vampire. What do I need to do?

- Vampire in Waiting

Dear VIW,

I enjoy simple and direct questions. And I applaud your honest in your request. But I do have a question - why do you want to be a vampire?

Do you think that being a vampire will make you better? Smarter? Stronger?

Do you think that being a vampire will solve your problems?

Becoming a vampire is not for everyone. In general, you still have whatever problems you had before. Yes, you might become stronger in terms of human strength, but there is a hierarchy of strength in the vampire community. And I can assure you that you will not be in the top of that hierarchy for decades.

I am not asking these questions just to hear myself, by the way. When a person applies to become a vampire, the interviewer asks these questions, plus a whole lot more. If you can't answer them for me, then I strongly suggest that you don't apply until you can answer them. There is a rule that says a human may only apply once to become a vampire. If the person does not pass the interview (or any of the other mandatory steps), then they will never be turned into a vampire. Period.

WANTED: Biologists and Geneticists (Brolley Labs)

noreply@blogger.com (Katfrog) — Sun, 10 Jan 2021 17:15:00 +0000

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Brolley Labs - Protecting You from Life's Little Mishaps

Equal Employment Opportunity

Brolley Labs is an equal opportunity employer. We will extend equal opportunity to all individuals without regard to race, religion, color, sex, pregnancy, childbirth or related medical conditions, sexual orientation, gender identity, national origin, disability, age, genetic information, marital status, veteran status, or any other status protected under applicable federal, state, or local laws. This policy applies to all terms and conditions of employment, including but not limited to, hiring, placement, promotion, termination, layoff, recall, transfer, leaves of absence, benefits, compensation and training. If you require an accommodation to work based on any of these protected factors, please notify the Human Resources Department, and we will evaluate the request and provide an accommodation in accordance with applicable law.

We seek to comply with all applicable federal, state and local laws related to discrimination and will not tolerate the interference with the ability of any of our employees to perform their job duties. Our policy reflects and affirms Brolley Lab's commitment to the principles of fair employment and the elimination of all discriminatory practices.

Dear Jennifer, Where Are the Good Men?

noreply@blogger.com (Katfrog) — Mon, 03 Sep 2012 12:00:00 +0000

Dear Jennifer,

Friday night, my friends and I sat around moaning about the lack of available boyfriends. I mean, well, there are men out there. But let's be real - most of them either want arm candy that smiles a lot but doesn't speak or a sugar mama to pay for their things. Either way, tantric sex is required or he makes you feel guilty about it.

My question is, do men change as they get older? We were thinking that maybe older vampire men might make better boyfriends. But if I'm going to have sex with a corpse, I want to know that the rest of the time will be different.

Wanting A Serious Boyfriend

Dear Wanting,

Well, sugar, I'm not sure where to start. As I read your email, I realize that while computers and other technology might change our day to day life, people are still the same. I guess I'll answer your question first. Sometimes men change as they grow older; it all depends on the man and his life. But I don't think your problem is the men you know.

Hon, I think the problem is you.

From your email, it sounds like you don't like yourself. You see yourself as valuable only for your looks or your money, right? If you only value yourself for those things, that might explain why the men you know only value you for them. And I'm not sure you know what "tantric" means, but you sound like you dislike sex. Is that because you like women, or because you don't know how to enjoy yourself?

Either way, most vampires I know wouldn't go near you, because we like sex and dislike being with someone who feel "obliged" to perform, if you know what I mean.

Bottom line - get help. Learn to love yourself and value yourself. The rest will fall in place after that.

The Verity of Vampire, Part 3

noreply@blogger.com (Katfrog) — Wed, 29 Aug 2012 12:00:00 +0000

Greetings, my fellow historians and mythologists! I hope that you find these stories as entertaining as I do, for I enjoy recounting the various legends as to the beginning of vampires. There are several more Christian based stories, crediting Job or Lazarus of Bethany as being the first vampire - the former as a reward from God for surviving his trials and the latter as the means with which Jesus raises him from the dead - or crediting Noah and his family as accidentally becoming vampires, having only blood as sustenance for 40 days and 40 nights. Yet, I feel that several of these stories reflect wishful thinking from various members of the homo lamia segment of society, for those who transformed after the prolific propagation of Christianity retained the need to identify themselves as "Christian" in spite of their altered circumstances. In truth, vampires roamed around before either Lazarus of Bethany or even Noah, at least as far as I have been able to determine through timelines and verbal histories.

But that is neither here nor there, but now we move on to India, and the story of Kali.

Kali, consort of Shiva, is a Hindu goddess of shakti, or sacred empowerment. Her name means "the black one" and many associate her with death and destruction. While Kali in her many forms emerges as a dominate figure in Hindu mythology, today I will relate one of her most famous legends, in which Kali fights with the Asura, or demon, named Raktavija.

One day, Durga, the Hindu Mother Goddess, attempted to kill the demon Raktavija by wrapping his body in chains and weapons. But Durga did not know that for each drop of blood spilt by the demon, a new copy of Raktavija sprang up from the ground, attacking Durga and her minions. Finally, Durga called upon Kali, who began to attack Raktavija by drinking up all of his blood while gorging on the copies.

Nearby villagers watched as Kali defeated the demon, happy to be rid of the evil that plagued their lives for as long as their collective memory. To honor Kali and her victory, the villagers began to drink blood. When Kali learned of their accolades to her, she bestowed upon the villagers some of her shakti, creating the first vampires.

Next week, we will cover current thinking in science about the origin of vampires.

Christy's Musings: The Legend of the Fairies

noreply@blogger.com (Katfrog) — Tue, 28 Aug 2012 12:00:00 +0000

Well, much to my surprise I received an email this week asking me if fairies are real. I assume from my previous posts that you know fairies exist, but Curious asked for more information. So here we go.

Fairies, in terms of cute little creatures that resemble beautiful men and women with gauzy wings - they are from the imaginations of deluded, psychotic, or drunk people.

And cartoon illustrators.

Real fairies began in what you call Europe. Long ago, magic and magic users called mages roamed the lands. The common folk welcomed mages as visitors, because some plagues and vermin could only be gotten rid of through magical means. But no one wanted the mages to live in their particular village, because people feared that the mage would try and control the villagers.

On a tangent, these fears were justified, as many a village perished when the resident mage tried to enforce his or her will. Plus, mage battles did nothing to help the crops or livestock, outside of a few interesting mutations.

Now, where was I... ah, yes, mages.

So the typical mage traveled around the countryside, eating and sleeping outdoors most of the time, coming into taverns occasionally, a public bath house rarely, and ordinary homes never.

One of the more well-known mages was a young woman named Hekateros. Hekateros loved living in the city where she grew up but she also loved living in nature. She loved helping others but she also hated much about humanity. She adored wild animals but despised all forms of domesticated animal. Her dual nature made her a bit temperamental. One day, she would help a farmer with a sick herd of cows, but the next she would curse chickens to only lay spotted eggs (and no one would either eat or buy a spotted egg).

As her reputation for such extremes grew, so did the villagers' fear of her, until fear turned to intolerance. Soon, villagers shuttered their windows and closed their doors when they heard rumors of her approach. Farmers set their dogs or pigs on her, and even the minstrels walked through swamp and quicksand to avoid her path.

Hekateros grew lonely at first, then angry that so many people shunned her. She quarreled with herself about the shunning, waffling between sorrowful acceptance and choleric rejection. Finally, in a fit of insanity, she prayed to the great Goddess, asking for a curse to loose upon the villages as vengeance for their treatment of her.

The Great Goddess appeared before her. "Hekateros, child, why do you call on me?"

"I am shunned by the villagers and farmers. They shutter their windows, close their doors, and send dogs and pigs after me, to drive me away."

"Ah, but do you know why they do such things?"

Hekateros paused. "Because sometimes I bless them and heal their animals or crops. But at other times I curse them, plaguing their lands."

The Great Goddess gazed at Hekateros for a long time, until the lady could stand it no longer. "Please, Great Goddess, I wish vengeance on them. I need power to get them all, so that I may have peace."

"My daughter," sighed the Goddess, "you are lost."

"What?"

"Two spirits inhabit your body," the Goddess explained. "They were not there at your birth, but your dual behavior created a break in your spirit. Now, two spirits inhabit your body, one that does good deeds and one that does evil deeds."

As she heard the words, Hekateros felt her body change, She had two faces instead of one, two faces that looked the same except for the expression.

"These two spirits cause your discord, Hekateros, not the villagers. Since you petition me for peace, I will give you peace."

Hekateros felt herself split in two, all of her darkness pouring into one body while all of her light poured into the other. She looked at herself, each half wondering how she ever lived with the other half.

"Now," continued the Great Goddess, "Hekateros is no more. Instead, you are now Arevik and Lusine, the sun and moon. Go forth, and prosper as you should."

The two half-women left, and went forth into the world. They each managed to procreate several times, each birth producing three or four offspring that looked almost human.

So began the races of the Light and Dark Fairies.

Dear Jennifer - Help, My Parents are Insane!!

noreply@blogger.com (Katfrog) — Mon, 27 Aug 2012 11:24:00 +0000

Dear Jennifer,

Help! My parents are always around me, telling me what to talk about, talking to my friends, and hanging out with me wherever I go. I can't even go to the bathroom without my Mom yelling up, asking me if I finally started my period.

When vampires first came out, I thought my parents were kinda cool, because they didn't freak out like my friends' parents. But then they told me that they want to become vampires so that they can turn me into a vampire. I don't want to be twelve forever!!

Please, Jennifer, help me!!!

Signed,

Terrified of Twelve

Dear Terrified,

Sugar, I'm fixin' to you that you don't need to worry. We vampires don't turn kids into vampires because getting old while staying a child just messes with your head. Generally speaking, we use local guidelines about adulthood as the minimum age limit. So here, you need to be eighteen before anyone would change you over.

As for your parents, they sound like they need the help, not you, serious psychiatric help. I suggest you speak with your school counselor or some other trusted adult about how to handle your parents' behavior. Or, if you want, I can come over and speak with them about the vampire part. Cause, hon, no one will turn them in their current mental state.

Good luck, and let me know how things turn out.

Christy's Musings: We're Here!

noreply@blogger.com (Katfrog) — Fri, 24 Aug 2012 12:29:00 +0000

Relocation Specialist by Steve Frenkel

Greetings, fellow humans!

No, I am not really that cheery, but I was told in no uncertain terms to make everyone feel welcome here. Not that the "here" part of here matters since I am not actually in your computer and you are not in my computer monitor. But I assume you understand anyway.

At least I hope you do.

I must admit, moving from one website to another was rather anti-climatic considering the trouble and headaches we endured this week. I still sit at my computer and I still write things in my here that magically appear in your here.

Yes, yes, I hear you now. "But Christy, it's not magic. It's science."

Whatever.

I only care because I know of real magic, and the users of real magic would do more than shake their heads at me if I didn't care.

Some idio... I mean a very nice young lady wrote a questions to Jennifer about vampire parents? I try hard not to know what Jennifer is doing, but I know she will have a new post for you on Monday. Gregory is beside himself in happiness; apparently someone liked his post on the origins of vampires so now he is scouring the legends for more stories. Sarah, well, Sarah is just being Sarah, and I never question someone like her.

As for me, I received a question about fairies. I will tell you more next Tuesday.

Until then, try not to die.

We're Moving, But It's Complicated...

noreply@blogger.com (Katfrog) — Fri, 24 Aug 2012 02:48:00 +0000

Due to the...um... unfortunate accident involving Gregory and Lulu, relations between the vampire community and the shapeshifters has grown rather tense? Strained?

What rubbish! The truth is those furballs want recompense for the "accident" even though Lulu participated of her own free will. I mean, she actually recorded her permission. But does that matter?

Apparently not.

Lulu says she changed her mind, that she did not mean to record her participation, that she is an innocent victim, a victim of circumstances, a young pup caught up trying to impress the older man...

"The lady doth protest too much, methinks"

So now those upstarts want payment in terms of our website. Or name domain. You are el?

Ye gods! My head hurts merely thinking about the situation.

So instead of being here, in this piece of non-existent space, The Vampire Handbook will move to a new, non-existent place that is not a real cloud in the actual sky. Lucky for us, the fairies owe us a favor or three. They created this new place, vampire.wegrok.net, where you will find The Vampire Handbook starting on Friday, August 24.

Though it might be there now. According to Jennifer, all the older entries have been moved over. At exactly midnight tonight, the werewolves take over. I have no idea what will happen here, other than they agreed to leave up the "We're leaving" message for a minimum of 60 days. After that, who knows what the furballs will do.

The Verity of Vampires, Part 2

noreply@blogger.com (Katfrog) — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 08:00:00 +0000

Greetings! Let us continue with the various stories about how vampire came to be.

The third story comes the story of Lucifer. After Lucifer tricked Eve, God grew angry with Lucifer. A war among the angelic hordes broke out, and though Lucifer was a mighty archangel, he lost. God struck down Lucifer and his followers, creating a place of desolation for them to spend eternity.

Lucifer vowed revenge, so he took up soil and created his own version of man. It looked, walked, and talked exactly like Adam, but Lucifer could not bring life to his creation, because only God could create life.

So Lucifer went around God and gave his creation the ability to steal life from Adam, Eve, and the other humans. Lucifer's creation drank blood, because blood is the life.

When God saw this abomination, he raised his hand to strike it down, but Gabriel intervened.

"Father," Gabriel pleaded, "this creature knows not good nor evil. It only does what it needs to do in order to survive."

God saw the truth in Gabriel's words, so instead of striking down Lucifer's creation, God enhanced the being. Now, it could create its own family from humans who wished to join it. The creation also received a name, though that name is lost in time. And God told the creation that he could come to Heaven after his death.

Lucifer raged at God's mercy, and tried to kill his own creation. But God prevented Lucifer from taking his revenge, giving Lucifer's creation enough power to survive on his own for all eternity.

Christy's Musings: What's in a Name?

noreply@blogger.com (Katfrog) — Tue, 21 Aug 2012 08:00:00 +0000

Right, I have received several emails asking me about my name. Many hint around the question; many think that they are hinting though I must tell you that subtly it becoming a lost art; still others ask me outright - "How can your name be 'Christy'? Isn't that a bit modern for you?"

Ye, gods! You almost sound like Juliet during the balcony scene:

What's <Christy>? it is nor hand, nor foot,
Nor arm, nor face, nor any other part
Belonging to a man. O, be some other name!
What's in a name? that which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet;

But more to the point, asking a vampire about her name under most circumstances equals asking to have either your tongue or head removed.

Luckily for you, this is not most circumstances.

Per the request of our Vampire Kings, I will instruct you about vampires and their names.

When a human becomes a vampire, they have the option to either retain their birth name, or get a new name immediately. In my experience, about half choose the keep their old name and about half want a new one to symbolize their new life.

After a hundred years or so, every vampire feels the need to remove themselves from their past. Usually, this need arises from the fact that we are all basically human and we make stupid mistakes during the beginning of our life as a vampire. I mean, no one wants to be known as Lola, the girl who accidentally ate the local duke and caused a riot against vampires.

Unlike humans, we change our names due to either circumstances, major alterations in our life affairs, or sheer boredom. Some vampires I know have a schedule which plots out all of their name changes for the next thousand years. A few keep the same name through every occasion, harping ad naseum about their devotion and fealty as demonstrated in their consistency with names. Most of us, though, cherish our names and change them only upon some external impetus.

As for my current name, I assure you that "Christy" was not the name under which I entered this world. But during World War 2, I wished to make a statement about my beliefs. So, Christy I became and Christy I will be until I choose otherwise.

Dear Jennifer: Do Vampires Get Married?

noreply@blogger.com (Katfrog) — Mon, 20 Aug 2012 08:00:00 +0000

Dear Jennifer,

I was talking to my friends, and we were wondering if vampires ever got married.

Teen Wonders

Dear Teen Wonders,

Simple answer: Why yes, yes we do.

Complex answer: Because vampires live a much longer life than humans, we have a varying definition of marriage. Sometimes, we create contracts that define how long a marriage will last, how all assets will be combined in the beginning, how all assets will be divided at the end, and what activities are allowed during the marriage. The standard terms are 10 years, 25 years, 50 years, 75 years, and 100 years. Anything over 100 years gets a different type of contract.

When a vampire marries a human, the general assumption is that the vampire will abide by the current human definition of marriage, with the exception of the "til death do you part", since the vampire will not die. If the vampire decides to change his or her mate into a vampire, there are even more rules and regulations that must be followed to ensure that the new vampire does not end up a slave.

Generally speaking, vampires do not marry each other for the rest of their lives. There is a special ceremony for that, but you need to be prepared to stick with one and only one person. Because we never, ever divorce.

How To Become A Vampire: Candidate Requirements

noreply@blogger.com (Katfrog) — Fri, 17 Aug 2012 08:28:00 +0000

Salutations,

My name is Sarah, secretary to the Vampire Kings and chief editor of the real world Vampire Handbook. While the other members of our publishing team work to keep people informed on currently popular topics, I will translate and transcribe the original vampire handbook.

This first section describes how one goes from being merely human to a vampire. The process entails several stages; the first one is becoming a candidate. In the past, you needed to find a sponsor before continuing further. But due to the recent changes in vampiric social status, you may contact me if you think that you qualify.

Sincerely,

Sarah

Note: If you are an approved candidate, use the key to decode the final requirement. (ebg13)

Requirements for Human Candidates:

You must be free from normal societal responsibilities. If you have a husband, wife, child or children, father, mother, or sibling who depend upon you for food and shelter, then you need to make arrangement for their care while you transition from a human to a vampire.

You must be free from government obligations. We will not accept your petition if you are attempting to become a vampire in order to forego paying taxes or to shirk your civic duty. We expect all candidates to pay a tithe to their master and to fulfill all oaths and pledges.

You need a necessary skill or ability to offer to your sponsor. The skill may be either cerebral or corporal; it matters not so long as you not only possess a skill but are willing to share it.

Rirelguvat vf eryngvir. Juvyr zrrgvat gur nobir erdhverzragf qbrf abg qrpernfr lbhe punapr ng orpbzvat n inzcver, arvgure qbrf vg ernyyl vapernfr lbhe punapr. Gur bar gehr erdhverzrag vf gung lbh ner jvyy gb npxabjyrqtr naq borl lbhe znfgre, sebz svefg qrngu hagvy rvgure lbh rnea gur evtug gb orpbzr n znfgre lbhefrys be gehr qrngu.

The Verity of Vampires, Part 1

noreply@blogger.com (Katfrog) — Wed, 15 Aug 2012 08:00:00 +0000

Greetings! I hope that you accepted our apologies for the absence; I truly did know better, especially since we only had heavy whipping cream and not freshly obtained sheep's milk. But as they say, it's water under the bridge.

I have received several emails asking me the origin of vampires. I will be quite frank, even we do not know with a great level of certainty how we came to be. In truth, this is one of the few questions that garner a great deal of speculation (and possibly less that peaceful discussions) and few concrete answers.

I asked the Vampire Kings if I could present you, the readers of the Handbook, with the current belief systems. They readily agreed, so for the next few weeks I will tell you the legends among us as to where we came from.

The first two stories come from Christian mythology and the Old Testament.

The first story begins in Genesis. After Adam and Eve were kicked out of the Garden of Eden, they had several children, the first two being Cain and Abel. Cain grew jealous of his younger brother, and murdered him. As punishment, God made Cain immortal, never to grow old, never to die, never to go to Heaven, never to see his brother to ask for forgiveness.

Cain lived as such for centuries, before asking God for mercy. God granted Cain mercy, but with a price. God told Cain that he could never again see the sun, never again break bread with his neighbors, never again be a part of human society. Cain agreed to the terms, and God removed the vestiges of his humanity, creating the first vampire.

But God took pity on Cain, and granted him the ability to create others like him, so that he would not be lonely during his everlasting unlife.

The second story again involves Cain and Abel, only after Cain murdered Abel, Abel's spirit spoke to God, asking for more life.

"I cannot give you more life," God replied, sighing heavily, "but I can give you the ability to extend your own life."

God raised up Abel's body, and allowed him to take life from others through drinking their blood. God also gave Abel the ability to cloud the people's thoughts, so that no one recognized him or remembered him.

Abel lived as an outsider in society for many centuries, before he beseeched God once again for mercy.

"Please, Lord, I am lonely. For everyone I meet, everyone I love, they die. And the more I love, the more it hurts when they die."

God once more took pity on Abel, and so granted him the ability to change others to be like himself.

Next week, I will present you with one more Christian origin story, before continuing on to other religious myths.

Christy's Musings

noreply@blogger.com (Katfrog) — Tue, 14 Aug 2012 08:00:00 +0000

Ye, gods! I find it difficult to concentrate on creating this handbook when every time I turn around I feel pounded by all the political crap that you humans generate every time you elect a new president. Or a new senator. Or new toy. Or new dish soap.

I understand the lure of the Internet to spread your ideas, opinions, thoughts, and beliefs . Am I not contributing to a handbook about vampires? But this ability to inundate the world needs to be tempered with the knowledge to restrain yourself as well.

Did Shakespeare not say, "Methinks the lady protests too much"?

Well, that is how I view the people who carry on, interjecting themselves into every conversation regardless of the relevance of their input. If you truly believe something, state it once in your own blog, and then Move. On.

I learned that we vampires have something in common with most geeks? I think that is what you call people who are knowledgeable about the Internet and its social protocols. We both call people with these issues the same epithet - trolls.

Of course, I personally met a few real troll in my time. Nasty creatures, honestly, and so smelly that I burned my clothes afterwards. Like today's trolls, those trolls followed people around, complaining about the weather, the daytime, the nighttime, anything that would annoy people into throwing food, clothing, even coins at the trolls. If the offering passed the test, the trolls left, bound to another area to bother other people.

I enjoyed hunting and killing trolls.

Dear Jennifer.... How Can I Get His Attention?

noreply@blogger.com (Katfrog) — Mon, 13 Aug 2012 08:00:00 +0000

Happily, someone sent in a question to me, so here it is.

Dear Jennifer,

Since vampires came out to us humans, I realize that my handsome, shy neighbor is a vampire. My question is, how do I get his attention? I've trying stealing his mail and then returning it as if it got mixed up in my mail. I let the air out of his bike tires once, then showed up with a pump so I could offer to help him reinflate the tires. I even vandalized my own house so I could ask him if he saw anything and maybe discuss the perils of the neighborhood. But nothing works!

Help me! What can I do?

Unrequited Love

Dear Unrequited,

Wow - you definitely have your own style when it comes to chasing men. By the way, did you know that it is a federal crime to take someone else's mail, even if you then return it?

You did not say why you are so certain that your neighbor is a vampire, and I am fairly positive that he did not tell you. But I can tell you that a vampire would know that you went into his mailbox and messed with his bike tires. We have an extremely good sense of smell, so if your neighbor is a vampire, he knows what you have been doing.

Normally, I would tell you to take to someone you are interested in. Walk up, introduce yourself, and see if that person would like to get to know you better. After all, vampires were born human, so treat a vampire love interest as you would a human love interest.

But for you, Unrequited, I think this is a lost cause. Move on and get some therapy before you get arrested.

Jennifer

Remember, if you have any questions about dating and vampire, please email at jennifer@wegrok.net.

Accidents and Apologizes

noreply@blogger.com (Katfrog) — Fri, 10 Aug 2012 11:59:00 +0000

Dear Readers,

I must apologize for the absence of posts of late. Two weeks ago, there was an ...., well, an accident at our abode. It involved heavy whipping cream, rope, a plunger, two guinea pigs, strawberry jello, a couple of monkey wrenches, an old vampire, a new werewolf, and an ancient bet. Needless to say, it did not turn out well for anyone, and we lost power for a few days. Then it took about a week to find all the jello and we are still missing one of the guinea pigs.

The Vampire Handbook will return next Monday with our new weekly schedule.

Sincerely,

Christy

Christy's Musings - July 5, 2012

noreply@blogger.com (Katfrog) — Thu, 05 Jul 2012 16:22:00 +0000

Hello, my mortal friends,

I apologize if you did not feel welcomed by my first post. I heard that it wasn't, well, introduce-y enough. The Vampire Kings made it clear that they want everyone to feel welcome, and no one disappoints them.

The Vampire Handbook is just want you think. We will discuss what makes a good vampiric candidate, how to become a vampire, what to expect the first few days, weeks, and years, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. To be honest, we have never needed a handbook to do this. But with the advent of synthetic and cloned blood, we need not hide anymore. That still takes getting used to - I keep expecting someone to recognize me and pull out a wooden stake.

Not that a wooden stake would kill me, but I do so find splinters in my chest to be annoying. Would it be too much to ask would-be vampire hunters to learn how to sand down the stakes first? And for the record, I absolutely love garlic in my food, but must you bathe in it?

Where was I again? Oh, yes, finishing the introduction.

The human population need not fear vampires. First off, fear is never a productive emotion. I mean, yes, fear does help you keep alert in wartime and such. But really - we've lived here among you for centuries and you have lived fine so far. Why get worried not? Is that not like shutting the barn door after your horse escapes?

Secondly, we now have both synthetic blood and cloned blood, so we need not feed directly off of humans. Now, if you want to make some money, we can use blood donors for the cloning machines, and many vampires will exchange blood for room and board. But we do not need to take blood from you. In fact, most of us find taking blood from the unwilling to be rather dramatic and unnecessary.

Thirdly, who do you think keeps the real dangers that go bump in the night from consuming you?

Anyway, I will write more about vampires next week. You see, I also drew the short straw and now I must write a weekly report for humans.

Until then, have a nice day.

Christy

Greetings From Gregory

noreply@blogger.com (Katfrog) — Sun, 01 Jul 2012 22:04:00 +0000

Hello, my name is Gregory.

Actually, you may call me "Gregory", but that is not my name. Vampires like to change names every few hundred years. A new name helps us to adjust to the times. Of course, as fast as things change these days, I almost feel like I need a new name every other month.

Let me clarify this a bit - vampires change their human names every few hundred years. But we all have a vampiric name, that we use when we are around other vampires. For the record, it is most impolite to ask a vampire for their vampiric name. And we vampires are sticklers when it comes to manners.

I know that sounds rather strange, but we have to live with one another, so to speak, for decades to centuries. Following a strict code of manners helps us avoid certain, shall we call them pitfalls? Bad feelings generated when one feels as though you are not giving them enough respect. Manners avoid these situations, and help keep misunderstandings to a minimum.

That brings me to the point of my greeting. Once a week, I will answer any questions you have about vampires and vampirism.

Want to know about our culture? Please ask.

Our history? Well, you can ask, but I am only going to answer what I personally know as fact.

Dating? I won't touch that subject with a ten foot pole. Ask Jennifer about dating.

My contact information is on the right side of the screen. Feel free to click and ask.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Introduction by Christy (transcribed by Jennifer)

noreply@blogger.com (Katfrog) — Sun, 01 Jul 2012 21:16:00 +0000

Hello, My Name is Christy, and I'm a vampire.

No, I'm not joking. You are at The Vampire's Handbook, right?

Anyway... I lost the toss, so I get to write the introduction to this book or website or whatever this is. I'm not from this century, so forgive me if I get the terms wrong occasionally.

Why a handbook? Well, since vampires came out to the world, it seemed silly to pretend we don't exist. Plus, newbie vampires have way too many questions.

"How often do I have to eat?" (From daily to once a month, depending on your age and strength.)
"Can I eat animal blood instead of human blood?" (Eww - what would you drink from? Rats?)
"Can I still... you know... since I'm technically dead?" (Yes, but I'm not going into any more details. You need to figure some things out on your own.)

Seriously, I have neither the time nor the patience to deal with the pestering.

Luckily, Gregory always love to answer questions, especially from the ladies. Starting next week, he will answer any question that you send in. Just write, um, email him. No, I don't know how to email him. But I'm positive he'll let you know himself.

Now, where was I? Oh, yes, the Introduction.

Vampires are a bunch of poor lost souls, infected with a nasty disease that makes us have some peculiarities about us.

Right. Even I can't sell that load of crap with a straight face.

Listen, there are a ton of stories within the vampire community as to how or why we exist. The honest truth is that we ourselves do not know where we started, only that we are here. I can tell you my favorite creation story involves Adam, Eve, Cain, Abel, and a lot of blood.

But I am forgetting myself again. You want to read an introduction, right?

The Vampire's Handbook is an invitation and a guide, all wrapped together with a pretty bow. We want people to feel comfortable around vampires, though we will be here regardless of your comfort. We want to answer your questions, arrange meetings and interviews, and all in all help humans and vampires get along better.

At least, that's the party line.

Now, I need to get something to drink. Type this out for me, Jennifer, and do whatever magic you need to do to put it on our website.