The Vampire Librarian

Vampires Don't Matriculate

2009-03-28T03:10:00.003-05:00

Imagine getting a note from your kid's school that says, "There are no vampires attending this school." That wouldn't be very reassuring would it? Such a note was sent home to parents of Boston Latin students. I'd love to be a fly on the wall of the next PTA meeting because seriously, what was the headmaster thinking?

From the comments I've read, there might to be more possibly going on with this situation, but even so, this all could be a case of wild accusations and rumors flying fast and loose. No matter what, things went screwy at Boston Latin and the kids at the center of this are not going to fare well no matter what they did or didn't do.

I wish I'd gotten a copy of that letter though. It would've made my week.

Read an article about the incident here.

Stupid questions are exhausting.

2009-03-25T22:22:00.004-05:00

I'm sure everyone has had this conversation, but I've got to share it.

Me: You know your items are a day overdue.

Student: Really? When were they due?

Me: Uh...yesterday.

Whoever said there are no stupid questions has never worked a public service desk. I hate when I get a question so stupid that for a second, I don't know how to answer. I have to quickly review the conversation up to that point and make sure that yes, the question really is that stupid. Then I have to quickly vet my response in my head to make sure that it isn't sardonic, sarcastic, or just plain rude. I have to school my features into the blankest expression possible and refrain from rolling my eyes. I remind myself that I can't touch the student no matter how desperately he needs a Gibbs style smack to the head. And I have to maintain this composure until the student leaves the area or I do.

Stupid questions are exhausting.

Don't Bite Down

2009-03-15T17:03:00.005-05:00

Here's an interesting little article about a 'vampire' found in an archaeological dig in Venice.

Forget stakes in the heart or decapitation, just stuff a brick in his mouth to stop a pesky vampire. Don't got a brick? Use a VHS tape (or better yet Betamax). Promise it will work.

Old Tech

2009-03-09T17:07:00.000-05:00

Never mind the newest gizmos, your mp3 players, high-def, and mobile devices. Libraries are haunted by ghosts of technology past and technology that never really was. Here are some snippets of tech support I have had to give.

Exchange 1

Professor: This VHS tape is broken. The machine won't play it.

Me: Let me see what's going on.

Professor: Look. It won't even go into the machine.

Professor proceeds to try and force the VHS into the player.

Me: Turn the tape around.

Exchange 2

Student: Something's wrong with the VCR. Nothing's coming up onscreen, and there's no sound.

Me: Let me come see.

I check connections and find everything is hooked up right. I pop out the tape.

Me: You're at the end of the tape. You need to rewind it.

Exchange 3

Student: Hi, can I check out LD23?

Me: That's a laserdisc. Do you know what laserdiscs are?

Student: Yeah.

He even sounds a little offended by the question.

I bring out the laserdisc.

Me: Okay, here you go.

He takes it and looks at it for a bit.

Student: Okay, I don't know what a laserdisc is. Isn't there a DVD?

I've had this conversation quite a few times. Laserdiscs are a precursor to DVDs. They never caught on. Of course, we have hundreds of them. Pioneer reccently announced they won't be manufacturing laserdisc players anymore. They announced it only in Japan. The format was a little better received in Japan, but it seems odd that they didn't offer an English press release. We are planning to stock up because there are things that are on laserdisc but have not made it yet to DVD. It's annoying. But it is fun to blow the undergrads minds when I bring an LD out.

Misinformation from MSN

2009-03-01T15:15:00.010-05:00

Sigh, in a list of 10 Jobs for Quiet Workers on MSN Careers, they had this to say about the profession:

It might seem obvious, but given that librarians work in a mostly "no talking zone," it makes sense that a librarian position suits quiet workers. Most of your time is spent organizing and maintaining library publications and materials, and the rest you'll spend directing people to whatever they may need.

I love it. They've obviously never been in a public library or a large university library. This is how we end up with all those misanthropes. They think they'll get paid to sit and arrange pamphlets on a table and maybe once in a blue moon answer a question. When that doesn't turn out to be the case, we have to deal with the passive-aggressive fallout. Can we sue MSN? Maybe form a class action suit?

I have a co-worker who has lost partial hearing in both ears because of how loud the public library was where she worked. Does that sound quiet to you, MSN?

A more accurate suggestion would have been cataloger. That is a job where you don't have to have any human contact. Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of sociable catalogers, but if someone doesn't want to talk, they can just pop in ear buds and not miss anything.

What do you think?

(OMG, two posts in less than a week? I think I need to lie down.)

Filed under WTF?

2009-02-28T02:25:00.001-05:00

Dear God...First of all, when did we become alive? Isn't that completely like counter to the whole vampire thing? I don't understand...and what's with the the dance routine?

Oh and surprise, I'm still around.

PSA for Students #13

2008-11-19T20:14:00.004-05:00

No, I won't co-sign a loan with you. I wouldn't even lend you twenty bucks.

That is all.

Best Excuse Contest

2008-11-03T22:48:00.003-05:00

Let's have a contest!

Whoever can supply the best excuse given by them or to them for not coming into work wins!*

Here's my entry: A student called to ask off work today because she was covered in shark juice. She may have said more, but my brain froze on shark juice. I told her it was okay to go home and take a shower rather than come into work. Or maybe I just said shark juice a few times. I'm not sure.

I'm sure someone can beat that. But shark juice? Seriously?

Head Over Heels: Literal Video Version

2008-10-20T19:07:00.001-05:00

Found this via The Society for Librarians* Who Say "Motherfucker". It is awesome.

How Vampires Take Baths

2008-09-04T11:51:00.004-05:00

Came across this video and am amazed that I'd not heard of it before. The Electric Company was so awesome. I want to watch all the episodes now. And Morgan Freeman should play a vampire more often. Maybe he can get a spot on True Blood, which I haven't seen any of yet, though I've read all the books.

Why I haven't been posting:

2008-08-25T23:46:00.004-05:00

OMG! I just realised I have not updated this since people stopped clapping and Tinkerbell died... You may not believe this, but my hands were chopped off, and I was waiting for bionic ones. I prostrate myself in sorrow and beg thy forgiveness...

Really, I am so busy with setting fire to people wearing Crocs, being distracted by the shiny, and just generally being a terrible burden to various lawyers I met recently that my day is passing in a blur from 8am to the time I run out of alcohol. I am looking at rectifying this. But who cares.

I will try to remember that I promised to update you with my nefarious activities as soon as I get a chance. Truly! Unless of course the pool with the cocktail bar is heated.

(This post brought to you by The Lazy Bloggers Post Generator.)

Job Listing

2008-08-19T19:24:00.002-05:00

Considering how much I'm disliking my job at the moment, it was probably dangerous to send me this. If I apply, my bosses will hunt down the little birdy who sent it to me.

DATE LISTED: August 7, 2008

TITLE: Librarian I

LIBRARY: Transylvania Public Library

CITY: Brevard, NC

SALARY: 34,361 – 42,931 - Grade Level 14

QUALIFICATIONS: Graduation from an ALA-accredited school of Library and Information Science with a Master's degree in library science and some experience in library work at the professional level; or an equivalent combination of education and experience. Eligible for North Carolina Public Librarian Certification.

DUTIES: Responsible for providing excellent library service to the community;for supervising the library's circulation department; for developing and conducting library programs and events for adults; for production of the library's newsletter and for collection development in assigned areas of the library. Employee's primary responsibility is to supervise the circulation department of the library. Provides information/readers' advisory/reference services (electronic and print) to library patrons by phone, email and in person. Assists library patrons in the use of all library services and equipment.Develops, plans, publicizes and evaluates all adult programs and activities. Develops collection in areas of assignment including investigating and recommending books and other media for purchase;participates in collection management; plans and presents various programs for both staff and the public. Supervises and evaluates three full time and 4 to 5 part time staff members. Develops schedules and long and short range plans for the circulation department. Generates reports and maintains records. Plans programs reflective of the community demographics and develops strong partnerships in the community. Must work nights, weekends and a flexible schedule.

AVAILABLE: Immediately

APPLY BY: August 29, 2008

TO APPLY: Submit a State Application (PD107) to the Employment Security Commission, Community Services Building.

FOR ADDITIONAL INFORMATION: Submit a state application PD107 and resume to the North Carolina Employment Security Commission, Community Services Building, Brevard, NC 28712.

An Equal Opportunity Employer

2008-08-08T22:40:00.004-05:00

I hate RFID technology and want it cast into the deepest darkest pit of Hell.

That is all.

Perfect Creature

2008-07-29T03:51:00.001-05:00

From New Zealand, we get Perfect Creature, an alternative history, steam-punk, vampires as holy order movie. And it actually works and is pretty damn cool. The story centers around Edgar, a rogue vampire who's decided that killing people is okay. The vampire holy order dispatches Silius to stop him. They're trying to keep the transgressions hush hush because they don't want humans to stop giving them yummy blood and go all Van Helsing on their asses. They're able to keep it quiet because there's a flu epidemic. People are dieing anyway. A few more bodies isn't that strange. Eventually though the human police are told, but instead of being all outraged and self righteous about the vamps covering up the deaths, they're fully on board with keeping it quiet to prevent widespread pandemonium, which is so damn awesome for being so reasonable.

Silius is paired up with police captain Lilly for the vamphunt. I liked her character and the actress Saffron Burrows. She's understated, taciturn, competent, and has a quiet stoicism about her. It was also nice just to see a woman in a strong role without the inherent brashness writers feel the need to bestow on these sorts. Edgar and Silius end up fighting over Lilly, though Lilly proves more than capable of taking care of herself.

The film is rather slow at times and preachy. Genetic experimentation is the hot button topic. I'll sum it up for you: It's bad, we shouldn't do, or we'll all die. The whole genetic experimentation thing is the weakest part of the film because it's based on bad science. They claim vampires are a new species, but they're born randomly within the human population, and have not managed yet to begin to reproduce on their own. That means they can't be a called new species yet, even I know that. But Edgar's whole diabolical plan rests on this bad science. I think the main problems are in the fact that they try to mix the idea of the vampires being the holders of scientific discovery and being religious figures. The two ideas don't really mix.

But the world itself is fascinating, from the steam powered cars to the Zeppelins in the sky. It's neat just to follow people down the street. And the characters are sympathetic. Dougray Scott who plays Silius is easy to root for. He's contemplative, humble, and strong. Lilly's team of cops are not introduced well and are left on the periphery, except for Detective Jones who is the "romantic" rival of Silius for Lilly. I put romance in quotes because there isn't any hearts and flowers or steamy interludes. Jones clearly has a major crush on Lilly, but she never acknowledges it, and she never shows any fancy for Silius. Silius is interested in her, but he's a priest so he's chaste. No hanky-panky going on with anyone.

This movie really surprised me. The DVD cover Netflix displays does not illustrate the movie at all. It's a red face with fangs. The one above is better, but there are no bats in this movie whatsoever. Don't let the cover art fool you. It's a good movie.

Go See this NOW!

2008-07-19T01:16:00.008-05:00

~~If you haven't seen this, GO SEE IT NOW! It's only up and free until midnight tomorrow. It's funny, touching, and time is ticking!~~*

*The movie is no longer available for free viewing, but I still recommend it.

Cloverfield

2008-07-18T18:59:00.004-05:00

I saw The Blair Witch Project in the theatres and thought, "That was a wasted $6.50." I would've thought the same if I'd gone to the theatre to see Cloverfield. It's not that either were awful movies, but they don't hold any resonance. Not even the last BW scene. They're experiments in a little done new film type, and they don't quite succeed. Or to put it bluntly, they aren't worth $6.50 to see.

But since I got Cloverfield through Netflix, I'm feeling much more lenient, though Cloverfield shares some of the same flaws as The Blair Witch Project. The anxiety and terror that is supposed to be expressed through shaky camera action and badly framed shots doesn't work in either. I think it's an inherent flaw of the medium. We know that the film's fictional, so handheld flaws that are supposed to make the film seem more real, only annoy us. Cloverfield does have a more robust story than Blair Witch. BW was a straight up documentary-like horror story. We didn't get any back stories with the WB college students. They were just conduits for fear. Cloverfield gives us flashbacks done in the manner of untaped over sections of an old tape. This was clever and can never be done again.

The problem with the back story is that the characters now supposedly have license to do some seriously stupid shit. Instead of running for their lives like any normal person would do when faced with a Godzilla-like monster, they run toward it to save a possibly not dead but badly hurt friend. Wait excuse me, some of these people don't even know the person they're saving. Why are they doing this then? I have no fucking idea.

Like Speilberg's War of the Worlds, Cloverfield focuses on some random victims of the catastrophe, instead of more important participants. I liked War of the Worlds because of that. I wasn't that enthused here.

I read one review that mentioned this would've been a more interesting movie if the camera had been handed off from survivor to survivor, and the story told from snippets of different perspectives. That would've been cool and would've kept me from wondering, as I'm watching, how this group that we're stuck with survived in New York before the monster because they're clearly suicidal idjits.

Drew Goddard wrote the script, whose work I liked on Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and Lost, and this is his first movie, though I have a nagging suspicion that Cloverfield was originally slated to be a television pilot. From the beginning title card with the government mumbo jumbo, and the inexplicable information that Central Park has been renamed Cloverfield, we open on a going away party for Rob. Hud, his best friend, is filming it. There's drama with girls that goes on too long, and then finally, the chaos begins. No one's quite sure what's going on, but panic ensues, ushered in by the Statue of Liberty's head hurtling out of the sky. We get glimpses of the monster which are exhilarating, and the CGI is nicely done. The movie, for all it's shaky hand, badly framed shots, looks great.

Now the monster, we learn nothing about it except for the very basics. It's big, it's violent, and it has really nasty fleas. Don't know where it came from, what it is, or even if it dies. That's okay. I don't mind that, and it leaves the possibility open for a sequel.

But at the end, I'm left feeling hollow. The characters are not appreciable. The idea was good. The execution was good. But the heart is missing. I didn't care about these young New Yorkers like I cared about Tom Cruise and his family. I think it's the cohesion that was missing. The family unit is easy to recognize and doesn't need a lot of explanation. This group didn't have that cohesion. I couldn't understand why they were sticking together. Also Cruise's family was trying to get to safety, not go check out the aliens, except for the brother, who everyone thought was insane. If the Cloverfield gang had been trying to escape the city, I would've been more willing to get behind them, but their ill thought up quest to save the girl (who should've been dead by the time they got to her or died soon after. She was impaled, people!) didn't jive with me. For as realistic as the movie looked, the characters weren't. A pity, this movie could've been stellar.

Booyeah!

2008-06-24T22:49:00.007-05:00

Ooh, I've been made privy to a righteous smack down of a very, very, very x1000 annoying student. The student already has 2 personal notes from me on her record saying not to bend any rules for her, but that pales in comparison to what another part of the library has done.

What did they do? They slapped her with a $1000 fine. That figure does have the correct number of zeroes. And get this, they're actually being lenient.

What did the student do? She lost a very nice, very new, and very expensive digital video recorder. How she'd lose it? She left it in a university common area, tucked behind a sofa for the night. Why she'd do that? Because she didn't want to lug it around. What happened? Someone took home a very nice, very new, very expensive digital video recorder. The student filed a police report and posted reward fliers for the return of the DVR, but it has not been returned.

Fast forward a year, the library has fined the student $1000, and she's whining that the fine isn't fair. She's been penalized enough for not being able to check out any media equipment for a year. Can't we forgive the fine? Too which the boss on high says, "Hell, no. You're lucky we didn't charge you the full amount which is closer to $3500. You're going to pay the fine, or you won't graduate." To which, I cry, "Booyeah!"

I Am Legend

2008-06-18T23:16:00.003-05:00

I'm gonna do movie reviews more because they're easy for me. I hope you all don't mind. Oh, and they're going to be for stuff that's already on DVD because going to the movies is expensive, and I am cheap.

I read the book some time ago, but didn't feel the need to reread it for the film because this is a Will Smith movie. All you need to know is that the title is shared with a good book. The two have no other connection between them. In truth, reading the book will only confuse you.

Will Smith plays a messianic military scientist. Trying to say that and trying to swallow it are equally difficult. But it's Will Smith! He's so likable. We'll accept anything.

The cure for cancer has killed almost everyone. I KNEW IT! It's the carcinogens that will save humanity. Will Smith is the lone survivor of the deadly plague in New York City. He's gone a little nutty in his isolation. He chats with mannequins and watches old news shows to keep in touch with humanity. His only real companion is his dog Sam. They go out daily to do a little hunting, golfing, scavenging, and the aforementioned chatting with mannequins. I'm surprised the dog hasn't left his crazy ass yet. But this is just the mundane stuff. The real work happens downstairs in Smith's high tech basement laboratory. Now this is one of those little details that irked me. He has to have had this set-up in his basement before the plague. Why the hell did he have the laboratory? His name isn't Dexter. The military wouldn't have approved this. His wife wouldn't have approved it. So it shouldn't exist.

But it's his reason for staying in New York. He's searching for the cure for the cure for cancer. He thinks he's found it. Now he needs to do some human testing. Interspersed all this is recollections of the night New York was quarantined. Will Smith is trying to get his family out. He gets special privileges due to being Will Smith. These inter cut scenes really slowed the movie down which is ironic because they're supposed to be so taunt and dramatic, but we already know something is going to go bad because Will Smith is alone and crazy and not seeking any survivors.

I much preferred observing the aftermath. The empty, overgrown streets of New York were amazing to see. The running herds of deer were cool to watch as they darted in and out among the empty cars. Why Will had such a hard on to kill one is beyond me, especially since he sucked at it, and there's always SPAM. Will Smith's melt down at one of the mannequins was pretty powerful as well as his quiet conversation with another. Smith is nothing if not watchable. He's someone you instinctively root for and watching him in an apocalyptic landscape, destitute and unhinged made the tragedy seem all the more awful. But that's only if you're a Will Smith fan. If you couldn't care less about him, then this film will seem pretty silly to you.

Overall, it was an okay popcorn movie, but not one I'd regularly rewatch. What do I regularly rewatch? 28 Days Later, for when I need a pick me up.

30 Days of Night

2008-06-09T21:18:00.007-05:00

From the Library X movie vault, I checked out 30 Days of Night. I thought, "Ooh, a vampire movie with no sexy vampires. How refreshing." Thank goodness I didn't spend any money on this movie because it is straight up meh. It's the story of a small town in Alaska called Barrow. It has no roads in or out and basically shuts down for a month long night. Some vampires decide that it would be great to trek through the snow to Barrow when the long night sets in and kill everybody. Why? Because they're bored, and they think they can get away with it.

Only one man stands in their way: Sheriff Eben Oleson (Josh Hartnett). He gathers a small band of survivors, and they bravely hide. You read that right. They're big heroic feat is hiding. Let me tell you, watching people cower and wait for the sun to come up (which remember is in a month) is not riveting movie watching. I want flamethrowers, home-made bombs, how about some holy water icicle stakes? Come on, they're in Alaska, they could've totally gotten away with it. But no, instead they shiver and peek out a window for two hours.

I didn't learn any of the humans names and didn't really care to. (Had to go to IMDB to figure out Hartnett's) Didn't learn any of the vamps names either. All character development is replaced by shivering. I get it. It's cold in Alaska. Why aren't the vamps affected? Oh, am I not supposed to ask that question? (Dear me, I poked around a little more on IMDB, and there's so much inaccuracy that it's mind boggling. Alaska doesn't even have sheriffs.)

At the forty minute mark, I was ready for the vamps to find'em, kill'em, and move on, but no, we all had to wait 113 minutes for it to end. Don't bother with the wait, pass on this flick.

Um, hi

2008-06-03T20:58:00.003-05:00

So yeah...I've been working days now for a few weeks. I've been crazy busy with the new job.

I have an office now with walls and a door. It's nice. I'm still settling in and making it my space.

My last official duty as the evening supervisor was calling the cops on a little old lady who wouldn't leave when we closed to the public at midnight. It was lovely. She wailed as the cop (who I'm told is one of the nicest cops in the UPD) talked to her, and some bleeding heart students asked why she couldn't stay in the library for one night. I now wash my hands entirely of these types of situations. Kyle is my replacement, which is funny. He was also my replacement for the overnight.

I got my sunglasses on, and am grinning like a fool. I'm days, bitches!

Viva Club LibX

2008-05-05T22:52:00.005-05:00

I was just alerted by one of my student workers that a bunch of sorority girls were doing body shots downstairs. How did she know this? Facebook.

It all just boggles the mind.

Shh!

2008-05-02T01:01:00.003-05:00

Had a student ask me today if I could make the construction workers outside stop drilling because they were disturbing him.

Sorry, kiddo. My shushing powers do not extend beyond these four walls. Here are some ear plugs instead.

NO, Just NO

2008-04-20T02:51:00.002-05:00

A lot of people say that putting 'NO' signs in the library is a downer, and we should instead only use permissive signs like 'Cell phone use allowed here' or 'Talking allowed', but people don't get it. If students aren't told not to do something, they'll do it because hey, nobody said they couldn't.

Unfortunately, I'm not allowed to put up any 'NO' signs because I'd end up wallpapering the place with them.

What 'NO' signs would I put up? Here are a few. And please remember, all of these would be INSIDE the building.

NO alcohol.

NO smoking.

NO snoring.

NO nesting.

NO wrestling.

NO dancing on tables.

NO golfing.

NO kicking, punching, or rocking the vending machines. Don't punch the wall either when your Skittles jam.

No food fights.

NO bitching about our lack of a large stapler, microwave, change machine, or fax machine. We're never going to get any of those. Get over it, or you know, go else where. You spend too much time here already. Explore the campus. Maybe you'll find what you're looking for in another building. If you ask us nicely, we might even tell you where to look. After we've told you where to go, then GO. Don't continue to bitch. See this sign? NO BITCHING.

God, I really want that last sign.

Got a 'NO' sign wish? Put it in the comments.

How did you get here?

2008-04-15T21:42:00.004-05:00

Once again, here's another edition of strange search terms that landed people on my blog!

Excluded are all the vampire related and LSD/rat poison searches. Though they are the top searches that bring people here, they're just ho-hum now.

free pencils from IKEA - Yes, you can get them and free tape measures too! Go, stock up.

Newspaper rod - How can this be? I am the number 1 result in Google.

going on vacation poetry - I've written bad poetry, but none about going on vacation.

Let's see if I can...

An Ode to Vacation

Oh, vacation, you're so lovely
You make me all school girl bubbly.
A day, a week, a month, or more
No matter the length, you rock to the core.

I'll always love you, vacation.
And I don't care who hears my exclamation.

There, how was that? No flames, please.

P.S. I know I said vampire searches would be excluded, but this one made me guffaw:
Vampires real or meth?

Joose

2008-04-07T22:41:00.003-05:00

This is what the kids are drinking now. It has caffeine, ginseng, and taurine. It's also 9% alcohol. We're not supposed to know that. We're supposed to think it's an energy drink. I'm having fun busting the 'joosers'. I would think this would mess a person up like mixing uppers and downers. It may not be that high a dose, but still not good for the body.